June 12, 2024 • 61 mins
In this episode, we will be focusing on Jay and Freddie and the challenges they have ahead.
Freddie opens up about his past addictions and the fear of reconnecting with his nine children.
While Jay is learning how her childhood has affected her positive outlook on life and her self-value.
Jay discusses her current state of well-being, describing it as neutral. She struggles to recognize and embrace positive experiences, often perceiving them as neutral. Elliott challenges her to shift her perspective and notice the positive changes in her life. They discuss the importance of focusing on the good and choosing to be excited about positive experiences. Jay reflects on her role as a mother and the pride she feels for her children. Elliott encourages her to extend the same focus on the good to herself and others in her life. They explore the impact of shifting perspectives and choosing to focus on the positive.
Freddie reflects on his contentment in life and the challenges he faces in maintaining relationships with his children. He explores ways to show love and care to his kids through little gestures and spending quality time with them. Fredrick shares his personal journey of transformation and overcoming addiction. Elliott encourages Fredrick to take accountability and make amends, emphasizing the need for persistence and consistency. They conclude by discussing the healing process and the potential for personal growth.
Learn More: ElliottConnie.com
Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Self worth is determined by a number of different variables.
The most important one is in your childhood how people
treated and talk to you. And when I say people,
I mean most specifically your family, your parents, and the
people closest to you. Another way that self worth can
(00:22):
be determined is when you notice yourself overcoming challenges and
achieving meaningful accomplishments. That second part is really important because
some of us weren't raised by families that talk to
us in such a way that leads to really healthy
self worth. So if there was no other way, then
(00:43):
that would mean the people who were not raised by
those sorts of families would just be doomed for life.
But you can still rebuild your self worth if you
didn't have that initial boost by simply noticing yourself achieving
things and overcoming hard things. Welcome back to Family Therapy.
(01:12):
I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and as usual, I'm gonna
ask you what's been better since you listened to the
previous episode? Because I want to continue to shift your
mind towards signs of progress, things in your life you're
pleased with, and anything else that is positive, because that
makes life more worthwhile. Today, I want to explore the
(01:35):
difference between toxic positivity versus a positive mindset shift, and
explain a little bit about what toxic positivity is. Toxic
positivity is when people kind of force the belief that
you should be positive in all situations and suppress negative emotions.
(02:01):
So now I want to high I want to pay
really counteres into that last part and like really suppressed
negative emotions. So there are people that are like, you know,
find the positive in everything, but that's very different than
a positive mindset. A positive mindset is being able to
(02:22):
focus on the parts of the story that are in
line with what you are trying to achieve, and being
able to focus on the parts of the story that
are in line with who you are hoping to become.
The type of therapy that I do is known as
(02:43):
solution focused brief therapy, and many people kind of misunderstand
that approach as a positive approach, but I would actually
say it's not positive or negative. I would say the
solution focused approach is change congruent, and a positive mindset
are those people that can continue to focus on the
change they're trying to create and things that are in
(03:06):
line with achieving the things that they're set out to achieve.
I think that's a really really important distinction, and clinically,
my job is to listen to the person's negative emotions
and difficult experiences, but help shift their thinking towards things
that are more congruent and more in line with change.
(03:28):
That's a very, very difficult job, but that is in
fact my job as a psychotherapist. My job is to
be a change agent, and I know the most efficient
and consistent way to achieve change is to focus on
the details that lead towards change and focus on the
things that are congruent to the kinds of change you're
trying to achieve. We do have a tendency to attract
(03:52):
what is familiar to us. The most consistent way that
we see this, and there's a lot of research about this,
is mostly women who have been raised in abuse of
household tend to attract abusers because we absolutely find and
settle in what is most comfortable as opposed to what
(04:13):
is most good for us. And that's not always a
bad thing, not always a good thing. But human beings
are creatures that seek comfort, not necessarily creatures that seek
joy or happiness. We seek comfort and the easiest way
to change this is we have to accept change comes
(04:39):
with uncomfort. So if I notice a pattern in.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
My life and it.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Doesn't matter what the pattern is, and I desire to
change said pattern, I have to accept it is going
to come with uncomfort. It is going to come with difficulty,
It is going to come with a tension. And to
give you an example, I worked with a woman many
years ago clinically, and she was in a relationship with
(05:08):
a man for the first time in her life that
would not hit her. She said, I was my dad
was an abuser, the boyfriends I had in my early
life were abusers. My first and second husband were abusers.
I then met this guy online and he will not
(05:28):
hit me, which my brain is translating as he doesn't
love me, because everybody that loved me prior to him
hit me. So that's the tension in her head. I
logically know that it's good not to be hit, but
I also struggle with the tension of but everyone in
my past has done this action, and she had to
(05:51):
learn to be comfortable in the new environment. So that's
how you change it. You have to accept that going
from what I'm familiar with to a new experience even
though it is a positive experience, is going to create
uncomfort and it's going to create create tension, and you
have to stick with it until that becomes the new
familiar experience. In this episode, we will be focusing on
(06:15):
Jay and Freddie and the challenges they have ahead. Freddie
opens up about his past addictions and the fear of
reconnecting with his nine children, while Jay is learning how
her childhood has affected her positive outlook on life and
her self value. So, Jay, what's been better since we
(06:43):
last talked?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Mm HMMs been much the same?
Speaker 4 (06:49):
Can't pinpoint anything specifically better, but things are fine?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
How do you know? Like what's fine?
Speaker 4 (06:56):
I mean, I don't feel down today, like I feel
even kill.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
It like nothing's particularly bad?
Speaker 1 (07:09):
And how do you know you don't feel particularly down today?
Like what's what's happening? Lets you know, like this is
a day where you don't feel down?
Speaker 4 (07:19):
I don't feel I just don't feel like super stressed.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
I don't feel like.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
It's not like a lot of negative talk in my
mind right now, I don't know, there's no there's no
pain points that I can identify instead.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Of feeling down. How would you describe the way you
feel today neutral okay, and instead of negative like talk
what's what what's happening in your today?
Speaker 4 (08:05):
I am just kind of focusing on what things I
need to do and doing what would.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You hope to get accomplished most today?
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
I feel like we have good conversations, but I kind
of feel like after we get off the phone, it's
kind of just like, okay, like that was a good conversation,
but I don't know that anything is changing, per se.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Can I can I say something about that? M h,
I'm gonna I'm gonna challenge you, and I want you
to respond one honestly, Okay. I want to tell you
one of my favorite things about you is you seem
to be a very focused, determined and positive person. Okay,
(09:04):
is it okay? Is it okay? If I accuse you
of those things?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Mm hmm, I'm just waiting for the butt.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
No, no, there's no, but I promise there, I'm not.
You know, you seem to be a nice person, but like, no, no, no,
I'm not gonna say.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
That, okay.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
And also maybe my favorite conversation we've ever had the
first time we talked, I literally don't think I saw
you smile. Once you were just very kind of what
I would refer to in my field is like flat affect.
And then as I've gotten to know you, you're actually hilarious.
(09:42):
And I remember you told me like the mom that
you run into at the daycare, and like you're actually
really funny, like you're witty and sharp. The thing I
wonder about, yeah, you do. The thing I wonder about
is when I ask you, so, what's been better? You
(10:03):
seem to have you seem to have like two, like
two sides, but I actually want you to have three.
And what I mean by that is things are either
negative or neutral, but there's got to be something on
(10:24):
the other side of the neutral. So it's got to
be like negative, neutral, positive, you know. So there I'll
ask you what's been better, and you'll say, well, things
are kind of neutral. But then you start saying things
and I'm like, well, that sounds super positive to me,
and I find myself thinking, how come she doesn't perceive
that as positive? Does that make sense? So what do
(10:47):
you think about that? Like, because it's really important that
we have those three phases to our life. I guess
what I'm saying is I think there are things positive
happening around you, but you're not catching it and putting
it in the bucket of positive. And a brilliant man
once said, a change is only a change if it's noticed.
(11:08):
So it makes me wonder is Jaylen noticing all of
the positive changes or is she not noticing him just
and just realizing, oh, this is a day where I
don't feel awful, so I get to just okay instead
of like, if we notice the good things, we can
put those in the positive end of the neutral. Does
that make sense?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Yes, it does. I think my challenge is.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Like I do see them as positive, but how I
feel about them is neutral, which is like, I'm not
allowing myself to be excited about these things being positive
because you're absolutely right. You know, if you have a
(11:56):
business and everything's going well, Yeah, why would you not.
Speaker 3 (11:59):
Put that in the positive box? Yeah? You know, it's
a mind shift change.
Speaker 4 (12:06):
It's a an ability to allow myself to get happy
about those things. I guess sometimes I don't like to
get too excited about stuff because I expect something to
happen that's going to need my attention, which also is
not necessarily a bad thing.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
But I just I guess I'm just not allowing myself
to enjoy it.
Speaker 4 (12:34):
I'm pretty like I mean, obviously I have moments where
I'm like having fun and I'm excited about stuff, But
I would say my general disposition is not someone who
is like.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Super happy.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
So I find myself wondering how could we help Jalen
make that shift where she is noticing good things and
allowing herself to enjoy them. Because here's this can I
I'm gonna tell you what I consider the secret of life.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
You ready, I'm ready?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
I think the secret of life, and I really I'm
not joking when I say that, I genuinely believe this
is a secret of life. The secret of life is
when you realize every single person, every single day, has
good things and bad things happening. So the secret of
life isn't to make good things happen because there are
(13:33):
good things happening all around us all the time. And
the secret of life isn't to make bad things not
happen because they're bad things happening around us all the time.
The secret of life is living your life, paying more
attention than the good things than the bad. But some
of us have had the kind of life where it's
easier to notice the bad because they seem to be
(13:55):
more frequent. So how do I help Jayen really notice
and embrace the good things of life? How do you
do that? Let me ask you this, if I took
you back to a time in your life when you
(14:16):
were like the happiest, most excited version of yourself, can
you think back to that time?
Speaker 3 (14:23):
I guess the most recent is when I gave birth twice.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Oh, when you gave birth, that was the most excited
and happy.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
M h.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Why what was it about the giving birth process, Jalen
that made you happy?
Speaker 4 (14:48):
I just, you know, I just don't take it for
granted that I've had the opportunity to be a mother.
So I just find that to be a beautiful blessing.
And it is just a great opportunity to have to
have two young men, young boys that will become men,
(15:09):
and I get to mold their life and kind of
present them to the world as just kind, brave, intelligent
human beings.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
So I you know, I was.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
Excited, Like, giving birth in itself is extremely painful, at
least it was for me, but I was excited to
have that gift.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
So where did you learn to view motherhood of these
two boys as a gift and something you should not
take for granted.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
I don't know, I guess because I was an auntie
for so long. So when I finally realized, oh shit,
I'm going to be a mom now, like I don't
that the acknowledgment just made me so happy. Like I
did have an abortion, and I did lose a child.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
When I was pregnant. I did have a miscarriage.
Speaker 4 (16:06):
So when my first son was born, I was just like, wow,
like this is so cool, Like I really have this
chance to be a mom, which it wasn't something that
I necessarily thought was going to happen.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
In my life.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
So when it happened, I just happy about it.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
And I know they're really young, But have you had
a moment when you were very proud of them? Like
have one of your children done something that made you
like really proud of that of that child?
Speaker 3 (16:44):
Yes, all the time, both of them.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Oh really, can you give me an example? Can you
give me an example?
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Sure?
Speaker 4 (16:50):
I mean my five year old he having you know,
a baby brother was kind of a transition for him
and I, you know, and you know, and little and
little brothers are kind of like you know, my youngest
will literally walk up to him and smax shit out
for absolutely no reason, which is, you know, kind of foul.
It's something that you're gonna have to get used to.
(17:11):
But he would you know, normally turn around in the
beginning and just hit him back or push him. And
now he's learning to, you know, speak assertively to him
and let him know, like that's not what you do,
you do this instead, So I'm proud to see him
do that. He's also my oldest is a little emotional,
so when he's able to kind of manage his emotions
(17:33):
a little bit better when he gets upset, I'm proud
of him. It's like every day, I'm proud of him.
He does something every day that I'm looking and watching
and I'm so happy for him. My youngest is talking more.
He's a little more reserved than my oldest, but he's
talking more. He really likes to sing, so i'd love
to watch him sing, you know, the alphabets or little
(17:56):
songs that he learns the daycare. And he actually really
is good at carrying the melody. He doesn't have the
words you know out just yet, but he's definitely got
the melody down.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Yeah, they're awesome. I love them.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I Mean, this is going to sound like a loaded question,
but I have to ask it. Do you allow yourself
to enjoy motherhood?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I think so? Okay, I think so.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
It sounds like it sounds like you do.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
To be honest, Yeah, Like it's not easy.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
No, probably one of the hardest jobs I've ever had,
Like and I've been like literally harder than being in
the military. But I but you know, the reward is
way bigger.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Do you tell them how proud you are of them?
I do?
Speaker 3 (18:50):
I do.
Speaker 4 (18:51):
I tell them I'm proud of them. I tell them
I love them. When I had my oldest, I made
sure that every single day I would tell him I
love him, because I didn't grow up in a household
where we said I love you very often, if at all,
until maybe later on, But growing up it's not something
that I heard often. So when he was born, I said,
(19:13):
every day, I'm going to tell this way I love him.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
And I do the same thing with my youngest, and
I do. I love them.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
I'm proud of them, I'm excited about their lives. They're
so cool, they're really really dope.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
So what do you think it does to them? To
have a mom who thinks being their mom is so
cool and who thinks my mom thinks I'm really really dope. Like,
what do you think it does to them?
Speaker 4 (19:44):
I hope that it encourages them to be their authentic
self and allows them to truly just just be. I
think one of my goals as a mother is I
want them to be who they are without having the
stress of worrying about things that children really shouldn't have
(20:06):
to worry about, as far as like household management and
finances and all these other things. Like, I just want
them to be who they are out now, you know,
and just live their life to the fullest, so while
also having the value system that we're instilling in them.
So I hope it just allows them to be that
(20:29):
that's the goal.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
At least, did you have to try? Because I don't
imagine your kids are perfect? No, so, and by the way,
that's not being I'm just saying that, Like, no kids
are perfect.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Right there.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
No, No kids are perfect. Kids are annoying as hell.
Like no, yeah, no, they're awesome, but they are annoying.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
And you said something remarkable a minute ago. You said,
I want to make sure I caught it. Right that
they do something that makes me proud every day? Did
you say that?
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Yeah, okay, so given that they do something that makes
me proud every day, but you also describe them as
my kids are really really dope? Do you have to
work hard to notice good things about them? Like? How
do you how do you notice that? Like my youngest
will just walk up to the older brother just match
shit out of him, but he's still really really dope?
(21:25):
Like how do you hold both? Like they're annoying as
hell and they do these really difficult things, but they're
still really really dope? Like how do you pay attention
to the really really dope part?
Speaker 3 (21:37):
I choose the focus on it.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Okay, what would happen if you did that about your life?
Not just about your kids? You I'd like, I want
you to take that phrase. I choose to focus on
it and like tattoo it on your face, like I
want you to tattoo it like on your forehead. What
(22:02):
would happen to Jalen's life if you did the exact
same thing about yourself? About David, about your laundryn, you
know what I mean? Like, what would happen if you
did that? More globally? Through. I honestly believe, Jalen, like
I'm getting goosebumps as I think about this. Your children
(22:26):
are among the luckiest children in the world. And the
reason they're so lucky is because they have a mom
who made a promise to them when they were born,
and she kept that promise. Like I knew, I grew
up in a household where I didn't hear I love
you a lot. So I told myself, I'm going to
tell these two boys I love them every day. And
(22:46):
you've kept that promise. Your children are incredibly lucky because
they have a mom who, even though they do stupid stuff,
and even though they're annoying, my mom keeps you and
me as if I'm really really dope.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
That is a gift you're giving to your children, Jalen.
That I hope you understand how amazing that is, and
that not every child in this world has that right.
I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to Ja.
I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to David.
I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to the
(23:26):
people you work. You know, so when you say it's
exciting to me because I think I found the joy
in your life, and it's those two boys. They could
be as horrible as ever, but you're gonna keep noticing
what's good about them, right. I have to ask you,
what would happen to your life if you just more
generally applied that philosophy.
Speaker 4 (23:49):
I mean, I think obviously, like if I focused on
the good stuff, then the good stuff would multiply. I
think you know, that's just just how the law of
attraction works.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Right, Jalen. I think that's absolutely true. I think that's
absolutely true. I think that's how a lot of attraction works,
for sure.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
I got some self worth self value issues that I
just I haven't gotten past yet. I don't know why,
But maybe I don't know. If I just focus on
the good stuff, those things will eventually work themselves out.
I don't know if that's how that works.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
How how long have you had these self worth self
value issues?
Speaker 3 (24:40):
I don't know, probably for a very long time.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
Well, you know, it starts small and then it and
it increases and increases. So you know, I probably started
when I was young and chugging all of that stuff.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
You know, And I think you might have just hit
on maybe the most important thing is having self worth,
self value issues. How would you rather feel about yourself.
I want to.
Speaker 4 (25:11):
Feel about myself the way I feel about my sons,
Like I want to look at myself and be like, yo,
she is so fucking awesome. At the end of the day,
It's just like, no matter what I do, I'm always
criticizing myself, Like I'm always like, what can she be?
Speaker 1 (25:31):
Why? Why?
Speaker 4 (25:32):
Like it's like you said, not focusing on the good stuff,
Like instead of focusing on the fact that, okay, well
you before having a baby, you took care of your
body pretty damn good. Also, you know, I'm a smoker.
I do smoke when I'm pregnant and breastfeeding. I stopped
as soon as I finished breastfeeding, I went back to smoking.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
But instead of focusing on the fact that.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
I'm smoking now, like I should probably focus on the
fact that I have quit multiple tis so, but I
don't do that. I just smoke, and then I judge
myself every single time I do it. So I'm like,
you know, just stuff like that, Like I don't. I
don't when it comes to me, It's just really hard
(26:15):
for me to consistently and continually be pleased with myself,
and I guess part of it is right now. I
just think it's because I've been through so many changes
in the last few years, like getting out the military,
then being in a job that I don't particularly enjoy,
(26:39):
pays the bills but don't really like it, and then
you know, being in a relationship for so long and
feeling like that person doesn't value me, and then gaining
weight after having kids. So it's like all of these
things have happened like within a short period of time,
and not working out when I used to, Like I
literally worked out when I was pregnant with my youngest
(27:02):
till like week thirty one. And I'm not talking about
like going for walks, like literally in the gym, punching
heavy bags, like kicking, like doing all of these things,
and then as soon as I have my kid, like
not being able to figure out how to adjust to.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Continue to do that.
Speaker 4 (27:18):
So it's like, okay, so were you doing it for
yourself or were you just doing it because you were
pregnant and you wanted to take care of your body
so that he could be good? But it's like, how
do you do that for you? You know what I'm saying,
Like how do you like, Okay, when you're in the military,
you worked out all the time, but it was a requirement.
So now it's like, how do you just do it
for yourself? Like, I don't know why there's such an
(27:40):
issue with that with me.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
I don't really know. I don't. It's annoying though, cause
it's like I know so many things, but I just
I'm just not doing it, you know, like the whole
thing like, oh, you know better, you do better, like
that should have done true, a lot of people know better,
you don't do better.
Speaker 4 (27:57):
They don't like you know, how do you make that
that transition to say, this is my life, I'm going
to take care of myself just for the sac of
the sake of it being for me.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
And I don't know why.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
That's if I answered that, how helpful would that be
to you? Because I think I know the answer to that.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
I mean, I mean, I'm interested in knowing with your responsiblit.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
Sure, in order to answer that, I have to talk
to you about your sons. Okay, you're doing something with
your sons that is very, very important, and you're doing
it because you didn't have it when you were growing up.
You said you didn't grow up in a household where
you were being told I love you a whole lot. Correct, correct,
(28:40):
So you're what you're doing is you're telling your sons
I love you every day. Now, what that does is
there are days that your sons think they're the greatest
things since sliced bread, and when you say I love you,
they're going to be like, of course you do, because
I'm awesome and you're supposed to love me because I'm
(29:01):
the greatest. But then there are also days when your
sons don't feel great, like maybe they had a tough
day at school, or maybe they got in trouble at home.
And on those days, you say I love you too,
and that makes them feel worthy because even when I'm
not at my best, my mother loves me. Does that
make sense.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
What you're doing to yourself, and I think it comes
from the environment you were raised in, is you're making
your love conditional upon your performance. So I must be
worthy if I woke up and I worked out, and
I did good things, and I was productive and I
was awesome and all those things. When you consistently tell
(29:44):
your children that you love them, they just feel worthy.
They don't think their love is conditional upon performance. So
I want you to treat Jaylen as if her love
for self is not conditional upon performance. I want you
to do exactly for yourself what you do for your children,
which is, every single day, notice the good things about yourself,
(30:07):
and it has nothing to do with what you did
that day. It has to do with who you are
as a human. You do this magically well with your children,
but not as well with yourself, which makes sense because
you didn't get taught this at an early age. Yeah,
to be honest with you, you're an amazing person, and
(30:30):
it doesn't matter whether you worked out this morning. It
doesn't matter whether you smoked a cigarette today. It doesn't
matter whether you did great things at work today. That's
those things are not relevant in the same way that
your children. And I love this phrase. My youngest son
will smack this shit out of his brother, but he
is still really really dope. That is exactly how I
(30:54):
want you to look at Jaylen. She may have smoked today,
but she's still really really dope. She may not have
worked out today, but she is still really really dope.
When you can treat and talk to and think about
yourself in that way, all the other things will click
into place.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yes, as they say, fake it.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
So you make it. But I would say notice it
until it's real, because it's there. It's not even faking
it because that would imply you're not dope. So just
pretend you're to until you become dope. That is like, no,
you are, you're just not attending to it.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
I just don't believe that though.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Well, then let's can we discover it together, because I'm
telling you, Jay, the reason you don't believe it isn't
because it's not there. The reason you don't believe it
is because your parents didn't teach you to pay attention
to it. And what makes that so remarkable is in
spite of that fact, you're still doing it with your
two kids. Let's start here because I don't believe in
(31:57):
giving people compliments unless I can support the compliment with evidence.
So let me give you an example of what I
mean when I say, Jay Lennon is an amazing person.
Do you understand how hard it is not to recreate
a pattern in your children? So what we all do
as human beings, like literally almost all of us, we
(32:18):
do what we were trained to do, even if it
causes harm we do what we were trained to do.
You're doing the exact opposite. You were trained not to
view yourself in this loving way, and you have decided
to break that pattern, and you are viewing your children
in this loving way. So when you sit back and
(32:39):
you think, but I don't think it's I don't view
myself that way. That's where I want you to start,
because it is incredibly special that you have broken a
family pattern and your children are gonna benefit for the
rest of their life with that fact, I want you
to practice viewing yourself through the lens of you are
(33:00):
really awesome? Can you do that? I want you to
view yourself through the lens of how awesome you are. Now,
You're not perfect, So every single day there will be
things that like, oh, I wish I fixed that flower,
I wish I wish I didn't make those kind of mistakes.
But I also want you to pay attention to the
things that make you, as you said, really really dope. Okay,
(33:23):
Now I'm going to give you an exercise to do
to help you do that. Okay, can you hear me?
You said about your children, they do something every single
day to make me proud. Every single day, I want
you to think of one thing you do that makes
you proud of yourself. Like when somebody comes in and
they say, this laundry mat is doing better, and I
want you to think what role do I play in that?
(33:45):
Or when your employee brings you lunch, I want you
to say, what have I done to make them care
for me in such a way? Like I want you
to always be thinking about what have you done that
makes you proud of yourself? My goal is we got
to put something on the other side of the neutral.
Can't just have negative and neutral. I've got to have negative,
neutral and positive and quite frankly, and you deserve it.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
Gotcha that next time we meet, I'm going to start
off with something so positive I love it.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
Just wait all right. That means you have to be
paying attention to.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
It absolutely and I gotta allow myself.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
To yam, it's gonna happen.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Your self worth is significantly impacted by your childhood, be
it positive or negative, and those of us who have
had trauma in our childhood and abuse and neglect and
abandonment usually have massive self worth issues. But there's good
(34:49):
news is you can restore that by simply shifting your
mindset and focusing on how you got through those experiences
and not folks on that those experiences happened. I think
this goes back to the toxic positivity thing. I am
someone who has experienced massive childhood trauma. My father was
(35:10):
quite abusive, and I really just have two choices. I
can continue to ruminate, which I did for years, on
why my father did this and that had happened and
why me and all of those things, which lead to
a low self belief and low self worth. Or I
can start asking myself how I survived it and achieved things.
(35:33):
How did I survive that childhood and graduate from high
school and college and get a master's degree and you know,
get married, on all of the things. And when you
start thinking about how you overcame challenges on your path,
the inherent consequence of that is an increase in self worth.
And the beautiful thing is that's the kind of self
(35:55):
worth that no one can take from you. When we return,
we will learn more about Freddie's challenges to reconnect with
the children and the power in expressing love. If you
are out there struggling with addiction, it is very likely
(36:18):
you made real mistakes in the relationships in your life.
You ruptured relationships with your romantic partner, you ruptured relationship
with your children, you ruptured relationship with your parents. I hope,
more than anything, as you listen to Freddie and his story,
(36:41):
I hope you pay attention to two very important things.
The first one is Freddie is one of those people.
He made mistakes in his relationships, most notably and highlighted
here in this process with his children. But I hope
what you notice is a man who continues to show
up to therapy, and he continues to talk about reconnecting
(37:05):
with his children, at times imperfectly, at times with fear, hesitation,
and anxieties, but he keeps showing up. And I hope
you see that healing and love are unbelievably powerful things. So,
no matter what mistakes you made while you were in
(37:28):
the throes of addiction, on the other side of it
is the opportunity for healing through the power of love.
And more than anything, I think that's what this family represents,
and more than anything, I think that's what Freddie stands for.
So as you listen to these stories, pay attention to
(37:49):
Freddie because he's demonstrating something that quite honestly a lot
of people don't get to see. And I think it's priceless.
M And you mentioned that your wife will say to you,
(38:10):
you know, you should call your kids, but you said
you're not very good at that.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
Well, I'm not, I'm not. I don't. Uh.
Speaker 4 (38:21):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
I talked to my other daughter that she lives in Virginia. Uh,
two days ago. Uh I called. I got another daughter
name the name. I haven't talked to her about a month.
I talked to my other son, uh. They I talked
to him about a week ago.
Speaker 4 (38:42):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
My son in my lost and I haven't talked to
him about two weeks. Uh. Then I got like, uh
two step kids or three, and she said, I communicate
with them more than I communicate with my my biological
kids though although I raised I raised them for like
(39:03):
fifteen twenty years. You know, when they were there with kids,
I raised him, playing with younger childres that got two adults,
you know what I mean. So it's not that I don't.
I don't think I favorite either one or not. But
I got like, I got like nine kids by three
(39:24):
different women. So uh, I think I know for a
fact that it's here. Was upset with that because I
broke up with his mother and moved to Florida for
like ten years, you know what I mean. I started
a whole new family that went astray, and I moved
(39:48):
from Florida, moved somewhere else and started another family, you
know what I mean. So it seemed like I don't
know if I fall. I know, I'm settled well at
right now, my heart, you know what I mean. And
it's kind of it's kind of crazy because I obey
this song. I think, uh uh, you're probably familiar with
(40:11):
this song. Uh uh uh guy. Verses of a natural high.
I'm on cloud nine, natural high, and I never really
uh knew what a natural high felt like, you know
what I mean, as far as like like when I
make love to my wife, now I be, I be,
(40:33):
I be floating on cloud nine and she'd be bothering.
That's I tell I never realized how it feel to
have a natural high. You know what I'm saying, That
a woman can make you feel like you're on cloud nine,
just float, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
I had a couple of questions, but my first one
is what what what do you think is interfering with
your ability to contact your kids, Like, do you feel
bad about starting another family? Is their guilt? Are you?
Speaker 3 (41:04):
Like?
Speaker 1 (41:04):
What's the what do you think is the biggest barrier
that you experience?
Speaker 2 (41:09):
I don't know. Sometimes you you you you uh. I
think for myself, I think sometimes when you get so
settle in in in a way you know, you say
you're gonna do it tomorrow tomorrow, I'll be like always
ill do it tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. And I
(41:30):
think that's one of my worst dilemmas in my life
because when I say I'm gonna do it tomorrow, tomorrow
never comes. Or if I don't do it right, then
it won't happen. As far as like I don't. I
don't think, uh that I feel guilty for having uh
(41:52):
kids by all these different women, because I love my
kids and like at the time, like you know, I was,
I was in love and I fell out loved and
I fell in love again. Like it's a totally difference
film with her than I ever had with anybody else.
(42:12):
So that's why I said to her, I said, I
don't think I really was in love or it's this
unless it's different levels of love you know what I mean,
She said, I don't always have to do the big things,
and like to make her happy, I gotta just do
more little things every day to make her happy. And
she I'll be thinking, like I gotta do something gigantic
(42:33):
or something far FETs you know what I'm saying to
express my love. You know, you could just do a
little thing, you know what I mean. So I was like, Okay, yeah,
I don't work too, I could also I could do that.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
So I want to go back to the kids. What
little things can you do for the nine kids to
show them that you love them? Like you you do
these little things and you show your wife that you
love her. I wonder what little things you could do
to show the kids that you love them, that they're
important to you as well.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
And it's funny because, like, I didn't see what he's
up in about two weeks. So when I went up
up north and I saw him, he was he had
a pouty face on, you know what I mean, Uh like,
come here, come in, and he looked at me and
start it was pouty, you know what I mean, and
(43:26):
took and it took like maybe ten fifteen minutes for
him to come around and start jumping on me and
playing with me again. So everybody was like, wow, he
really missed you, We really miss you, and I could
like it was so uh.
Speaker 1 (43:40):
It was so.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Uh visible, and everybody noticed him, Like wow. I said, Man, see,
I gotta start That's what made me really wanted him
to come stay with me again, because I don't want
him to uh feel that way anymore. Like you know,
because like I was when I was living up there,
I was I was coming to her house almost every
(44:04):
other day, So I was I was feeling kind of
guilty about that because, uh, kids there just let you
know right off the bat how they're feeling, you know
what I mean. You know, I call talk to you
on the phone, but you know that ain't that's somewhat helpful.
But you gotta be like the President's gotta be right.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
There was that kid you were talking about, Yes, how
can you help show your kids, like you just sending
and Jade and the others that you that you miss
them and you love them and you care about them
and you want to be in their lives.
Speaker 2 (44:41):
Well, I gotta be more attentive to them. I gotta
start doing things with them, start calling them each and
every day or each every other day. Uh, trying to
spend quality time with them, you know what I mean,
doing uh, you know, doing things with them, man, you
know what I mean, like uh or even in something
(45:02):
even buying it like I miss you card and send
them a card or something like that, just saying I
miss you, I love you and stuff love that nature.
Speaker 1 (45:09):
Do you miss them?
Speaker 4 (45:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (45:13):
I do, I really do.
Speaker 1 (45:14):
Do you care about them?
Speaker 2 (45:17):
I love my kids? Yeah too, And I ain't where
I want to do for them? Man? Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (45:24):
Do you think they know that? Now I'm not I'm
not saying you're wrong, but like, do they know that
that there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for them?
Speaker 2 (45:33):
One question? They realized that, Like my wife always says,
she says, sometimes you always try to do the do
something that's so big you all you gotta do is
do the little things every day. He should waiting to
try to do something that's gonna be real big, you
know what I mean, because sometimes the big thing never happened.
But you keep doing the little things and to the
(45:53):
little things work up to the big things, you know
what I mean. So now that you know I am
a little more situated and things are starting to come on,
you know together financially, I can. I could do things,
you know, for our cinemas and flowers or cinemas or
you know, I missed your card, I love your card
or something like that.
Speaker 1 (46:11):
You know, would they be surprised to get that and
I miss your card and I love your card from you?
Speaker 2 (46:19):
Oh man, I think so, because I think uh when
I sent uh, I think it was the year before last.
Speaker 3 (46:30):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
I sent all the all the mother's mother Day's cards,
and they was there was there was you know, I
could see that espressally on their face that when they
got the car and and they all called me. You
know what I mean? Because that Uh, it's something that
you know, I don't I don't do, and it needs
to be done on a frequent basis, you know what
(46:51):
I mean. It's not something I should just be done,
uh on every other year. It's be done, you know,
on on a steady basis.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
I think that's true. Freddie. If if I had all
nine of your kids in a room and I interviewed
them and I asked them, what do you think of
your father? What do you think they would say?
Speaker 2 (47:12):
Well, I think they would be Uh, happy that that
where my life is now, where I'm at right now,
as far as you know, compared to my life, Uh,
maybe five years ago.
Speaker 1 (47:28):
It was different about your life five years ago.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
About five or ten years old. I was I was
in the streets, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (47:37):
I was.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
I was in the streets.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
I was.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
Doing drinking, high, just running the streets.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
Man.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
I had no no, my life had had no direction
as far just all I want to do is be
in the streets, hustle and make money and just run
the streets, you know what I mean. So uh, and
I think now that you know, I don't I don't
indulge in any of all those things. Right now. My
life is three I've been clean for five years going
(48:08):
on six.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
From what drug? You got clean from?
Speaker 3 (48:11):
What?
Speaker 2 (48:13):
Everything?
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Really?
Speaker 2 (48:15):
And then you will say what do you call? God
says it didn't matter if you had it, I want
some of it, you know what I mean? Uh, it
didn't matter. So I'm so proud of my life by
right now because I thought I would die in those streets.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
Yeah, A lot of people do every day.
Speaker 3 (48:36):
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (48:37):
And I thank God for deliverance.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
Man.
Speaker 2 (48:39):
You just don't know how much I thank God for deliver.
Speaker 1 (48:40):
Did it happen? How did you get clean?
Speaker 2 (48:43):
How did it happen?
Speaker 1 (48:45):
What was the turning point? How did you? How did
you get clean? From all that?
Speaker 2 (48:51):
I think, I think when you get tied and you
you you you uh lose everything and you don't got
the shirt on your back no more, and people just
give up hope on you, you know what I mean,
and you find yourself like a rock body, you know
(49:15):
what I mean.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
You know.
Speaker 2 (49:16):
It's so many times that I look back at it
and I say, ah, if I only did this before,
you know what I mean, if I only got clean before,
my life would be so much better, you know what
I mean. But I can't look at it like that.
I'm clean now, and I'm grateful for that. And and
(49:37):
I think because like for like I would say, ten
fifteen years, my life was like that, you know, when
I was in them streets, you know, and like I said,
it destroys so many things in my life, you know,
destroy relationship with my kids, destroyed relationship. I lost a
lot of money, I lost a lot of materialist things.
(50:00):
I lost respectful you know from people, you know what
I mean, you know, and I just thank God for
deliverance now, man, like, wow, why why you know what
happened when it happened, And I'm grateful for it, you
know what I mean. I can't go back and say
I wish I could have done it earlier in my life.
(50:22):
I'm just happy now I've done it now, you know
what I mean. So I could just build off now
my life the way it is now. I could just
build off the way it is now, you know. I think, Uh,
all my all my kids, they like they they're old
(50:43):
enough to know the type of life I have, you
know what I mean, And so they see that I
don't turn I turned my life in the three sixty,
you know what I mean? Uhh, Like I said, I
don't indulge anything. I have a beer on it. I
don't even really remember the last time how to be here,
you know what I matter? Or the football game. I
(51:03):
had to be at a football game. But other than that,
I don't. I don't indulge myself with people that use drugs,
you know what I mean. I don't like my turn
my back on them or nothing like that, but I
don't be around them. I don't indulge with them, and
I don't. I can't it's not that, you know, I
(51:28):
hate them for because they do what they do. That's
their business, you know what I mean. But I don't
want no parts of it, you know what I mean
at all?
Speaker 1 (51:35):
And you you mentioned something, you said when you're on
them streets, you lost money, people respect for you, and
you said it hurts your relationship with your kids, and
then you turned your life around, like three sixty. What
have you done to repair the relationship with the kids
from all you know, ten fifteen years out on the streets.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
Well, I've been making attempts. I would say they're kind
of fertile attempts, you know what I mean. I could
be doing a substantial amount of more things to uh
repay my relationship with my kids. But I think as
far as me uh being in their life each and
every day or each and every uh like that, h
(52:22):
it's lacking. It's lacking greatly, you know what I mean.
Because which I like, I like, Like I said, I make,
I make futile attempts on trying to uh maintain that,
you know what I mean. Sometimes you get caught up
in your own, your own world, and one day slipping
to two days and two days of slipping to two
(52:44):
weeks before you know, it'd be a whole month and
you know, missed out again, you know what I mean?
And I feel so guilty about myself as far as
not being able to uh maintain a relationship with my
kids or keep staying involved with them.
Speaker 1 (53:02):
I think you you have some work to do to
repair those relationships.
Speaker 2 (53:08):
Absolutely, I know I do.
Speaker 1 (53:09):
How do you overcome that fear so that you can
do the things you need to do to two heal
the relationship with the kids.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
Well, I think I gotta be more persistent, you know,
I gotta be more uh hum, I got I gotta
maintain uh h uh uh a relationship with them. Like
(53:42):
one week I call them, two weeks I'll call them.
Three weeks to go by, and I don't call them.
I don't maintain. I don't once I see I established
something with them and we have a good relationship going,
and then for some reason, I just fall back into
my my cycle. Gain I get to relax. Now. I
(54:04):
don't show no initiative. I don't call them them allut
you know what I mean. I don't send them no flowers.
I don't send no no, you know, I don't. I
don't do anything, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (54:14):
And and.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
Then when I I I think, when I try to
communicate with them again, they don't. They hold back a
little bit because I think every time I get into it,
I come into their life, I go out their life.
I come into their life, I go out their life,
you know what I mean. That's why my and I
(54:37):
blame myself with that because I don't I don't be persistent.
I don't stay you know, I don't stay on it.
You know what I mean. I don't stay on.
Speaker 1 (54:48):
How's it going to help you? How's it going to
help you to stay on it?
Speaker 3 (54:51):
Like?
Speaker 1 (54:52):
What what difference is it going to make in your
life when you're able to stay on it?
Speaker 2 (55:00):
I don't really know. Because if I knew that answer
to that, I would be more persistent. I would be
more involved in their life each and every day.
Speaker 1 (55:10):
Can we figure this out together, Freddy?
Speaker 2 (55:13):
I would love to try to figure it out, man,
I tell you.
Speaker 1 (55:15):
Because I just asked you, like, how was going to
help you when you get persistent? You were like, I
don't really know yet. Well, let's figure that out. Can
I ask you to do a really really hard thing?
Speaker 2 (55:27):
Yeah? You sure can.
Speaker 1 (55:28):
I want you to call each of the nine children
and let them know that you love them, you want
to be in their lives, and you apologize for any
hurt being in those streets might have caused them. Can
you say that to each of the nine kids. Yeah,
(55:51):
I love you, I want to be in your life,
and I apologize for any hurtful thing that happened while
I was in those streets for ten or fifteen years.
Speaker 2 (56:01):
Hmm. Yeah, I've made attempts to do that before, and
like I said, I'll be in the life for a
period of time. Yeah, I don't be persistent.
Speaker 1 (56:17):
With right now. I don't want you. I don't even
want you worrying about being consistent. I just want you
to do that one thing. We'll build consistency after that,
but right now, I just want you to do the
one thing.
Speaker 2 (56:27):
All right.
Speaker 1 (56:28):
It doesn't even matter if you're consistent right now. We're
just gonna start with the one step, and if you
can do that one step with each of the nine kids,
then we'll take another step.
Speaker 2 (56:39):
All right.
Speaker 1 (56:39):
And nine's a lot, but you gotta do it because
I want them to know the father that they actually have,
that actually loves and cares for them. But you got
to take accountability for what happened, so you can heal
this relationship right, And then what you and I are
going to figure out is now, once you start that
healing journey, what difference is it gonna make for Freddy.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
I'm gonna call them, all of them, talk to each.
Speaker 1 (57:05):
At the end of each session, I tend to invite
clients to do something, or to notice something, or to
pay attention to something, and it's really important that they
receive that, But it's not necessarily important that they do it,
because it doesn't matter to me whether the client comes
(57:26):
back to the session and they've done the task, or
they've done something else, or they didn't do it. The
fact that they were asked to do it puts change
in their mind. And when you notice change, you are
already progressing. So the very reason that I will often
invite clients to do something is simply to keep change
(57:49):
on their mind, whether they do it, don't do it,
or do something else when they come back to therapy,
that's where we're going to start the exploration. But it's
very important that people constantly have change and the details
of change in their purview, in their perception stay tuned
for my final thoughts after this. So people often say
(58:16):
that time heals all wounds, and I don't believe that
is true. If it's simply the passage of time that
were to create healing, then things like resentment and festering
and estrangement wouldn't exist. I'll tell you what time does do.
Time provides opportunity for healing and growth. But you have
(58:37):
to be an active participant in your healing. You have
to be an active participant in your growth. You have
to accept it's going to be hard, it's going to
be challenging, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to
put you in situations that sometimes you'd rather not be in.
But it's worthwhile and it's meaningful. And there is nothing
(58:58):
in this world like the heal that can take place
after something negative has happened within a relationship in your life.
But if the relationship is meaningful enough, time provides opportunity
for healing and growth. More than anything. This family represents
(59:18):
three people that we're getting to listen to, but even
a larger extent of all of the people in the system,
like Jay and David's children whom we don't meet on
the podcast, and bread each other children whom we don't
meet in the podcast. This family represents taking the opportunity
(59:40):
to participate in healing and growth even when it is
hard and uncomfortable. That's what this process is about. And
I want everybody to take away from this episode and
this season at large. Time in and of itself is
not enough. Time does not heal all wounds. Active participation
(01:00:03):
in your healing and growth heals all ways. This is
not just a podcast that I want you to consume
and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired.
I want you to be impacted by this and in fact,
we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.
So what I would like for you to do is
(01:00:24):
come on this healing journey with us. Come on this
journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to
do that is to just pay attention to the things
going on in your life as a consequence of listening
to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life
shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your
(01:00:44):
desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us
know in the comments what you're noticing in your life
as a result of listening to this podcast and as
a result of paying attention to the things I would
love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,
(01:01:05):
and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect
with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can
also send me a text message to nine seven two
four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is
a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by
Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S
(01:01:27):
fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the
iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
(01:01:49):
any specific concerns or questions you may have.
Self worth is determined by a number of different variables.
The most important one is in your childhood how people
treated and talk to you. And when I say people,
I mean most specifically your family, your parents, and the
people closest to you. Another way that self worth can
(00:22):
be determined is when you notice yourself overcoming challenges and
achieving meaningful accomplishments. That second part is really important because
some of us weren't raised by families that talk to
us in such a way that leads to really healthy
self worth. So if there was no other way, then
(00:43):
that would mean the people who were not raised by
those sorts of families would just be doomed for life.
But you can still rebuild your self worth if you
didn't have that initial boost by simply noticing yourself achieving
things and overcoming hard things. Welcome back to Family Therapy.
(01:12):
I'm your host, Elliott Connie, and as usual, I'm gonna
ask you what's been better since you listened to the
previous episode? Because I want to continue to shift your
mind towards signs of progress, things in your life you're
pleased with, and anything else that is positive, because that
makes life more worthwhile. Today, I want to explore the
(01:35):
difference between toxic positivity versus a positive mindset shift, and
explain a little bit about what toxic positivity is. Toxic
positivity is when people kind of force the belief that
you should be positive in all situations and suppress negative emotions.
(02:01):
So now I want to high I want to pay
really counteres into that last part and like really suppressed
negative emotions. So there are people that are like, you know,
find the positive in everything, but that's very different than
a positive mindset. A positive mindset is being able to
(02:22):
focus on the parts of the story that are in
line with what you are trying to achieve, and being
able to focus on the parts of the story that
are in line with who you are hoping to become.
The type of therapy that I do is known as
(02:43):
solution focused brief therapy, and many people kind of misunderstand
that approach as a positive approach, but I would actually
say it's not positive or negative. I would say the
solution focused approach is change congruent, and a positive mindset
are those people that can continue to focus on the
change they're trying to create and things that are in
(03:06):
line with achieving the things that they're set out to achieve.
I think that's a really really important distinction, and clinically,
my job is to listen to the person's negative emotions
and difficult experiences, but help shift their thinking towards things
that are more congruent and more in line with change.
(03:28):
That's a very, very difficult job, but that is in
fact my job as a psychotherapist. My job is to
be a change agent, and I know the most efficient
and consistent way to achieve change is to focus on
the details that lead towards change and focus on the
things that are congruent to the kinds of change you're
trying to achieve. We do have a tendency to attract
(03:52):
what is familiar to us. The most consistent way that
we see this, and there's a lot of research about this,
is mostly women who have been raised in abuse of
household tend to attract abusers because we absolutely find and
settle in what is most comfortable as opposed to what
(04:13):
is most good for us. And that's not always a
bad thing, not always a good thing. But human beings
are creatures that seek comfort, not necessarily creatures that seek
joy or happiness. We seek comfort and the easiest way
to change this is we have to accept change comes
(04:39):
with uncomfort. So if I notice a pattern in.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
My life and it.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Doesn't matter what the pattern is, and I desire to
change said pattern, I have to accept it is going
to come with uncomfort. It is going to come with difficulty,
It is going to come with a tension. And to
give you an example, I worked with a woman many
years ago clinically, and she was in a relationship with
(05:08):
a man for the first time in her life that
would not hit her. She said, I was my dad
was an abuser, the boyfriends I had in my early
life were abusers. My first and second husband were abusers.
I then met this guy online and he will not
(05:28):
hit me, which my brain is translating as he doesn't
love me, because everybody that loved me prior to him
hit me. So that's the tension in her head. I
logically know that it's good not to be hit, but
I also struggle with the tension of but everyone in
my past has done this action, and she had to
(05:51):
learn to be comfortable in the new environment. So that's
how you change it. You have to accept that going
from what I'm familiar with to a new experience even
though it is a positive experience, is going to create
uncomfort and it's going to create create tension, and you
have to stick with it until that becomes the new
familiar experience. In this episode, we will be focusing on
(06:15):
Jay and Freddie and the challenges they have ahead. Freddie
opens up about his past addictions and the fear of
reconnecting with his nine children, while Jay is learning how
her childhood has affected her positive outlook on life and
her self value. So, Jay, what's been better since we
(06:43):
last talked?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Mm HMMs been much the same?
Speaker 4 (06:49):
Can't pinpoint anything specifically better, but things are fine?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
How do you know? Like what's fine?
Speaker 4 (06:56):
I mean, I don't feel down today, like I feel
even kill.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
It like nothing's particularly bad?
Speaker 1 (07:09):
And how do you know you don't feel particularly down today?
Like what's what's happening? Lets you know, like this is
a day where you don't feel down?
Speaker 4 (07:19):
I don't feel I just don't feel like super stressed.
Speaker 3 (07:24):
I don't feel like.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
It's not like a lot of negative talk in my
mind right now, I don't know, there's no there's no
pain points that I can identify instead.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Of feeling down. How would you describe the way you
feel today neutral okay, and instead of negative like talk
what's what what's happening in your today?
Speaker 4 (08:05):
I am just kind of focusing on what things I
need to do and doing what would.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
You hope to get accomplished most today?
Speaker 3 (08:16):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (08:17):
I feel like we have good conversations, but I kind
of feel like after we get off the phone, it's
kind of just like, okay, like that was a good conversation,
but I don't know that anything is changing, per se.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Can I can I say something about that? M h,
I'm gonna I'm gonna challenge you, and I want you
to respond one honestly, Okay. I want to tell you
one of my favorite things about you is you seem
to be a very focused, determined and positive person. Okay,
(09:04):
is it okay? Is it okay? If I accuse you
of those things?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Mm hmm, I'm just waiting for the butt.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
No, no, there's no, but I promise there, I'm not.
You know, you seem to be a nice person, but like, no, no, no,
I'm not gonna say.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
That, okay.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
And also maybe my favorite conversation we've ever had the
first time we talked, I literally don't think I saw
you smile. Once you were just very kind of what
I would refer to in my field is like flat affect.
And then as I've gotten to know you, you're actually hilarious.
(09:42):
And I remember you told me like the mom that
you run into at the daycare, and like you're actually
really funny, like you're witty and sharp. The thing I
wonder about, yeah, you do. The thing I wonder about
is when I ask you, so, what's been better? You
(10:03):
seem to have you seem to have like two, like
two sides, but I actually want you to have three.
And what I mean by that is things are either
negative or neutral, but there's got to be something on
(10:24):
the other side of the neutral. So it's got to
be like negative, neutral, positive, you know. So there I'll
ask you what's been better, and you'll say, well, things
are kind of neutral. But then you start saying things
and I'm like, well, that sounds super positive to me,
and I find myself thinking, how come she doesn't perceive
that as positive? Does that make sense? So what do
(10:47):
you think about that? Like, because it's really important that
we have those three phases to our life. I guess
what I'm saying is I think there are things positive
happening around you, but you're not catching it and putting
it in the bucket of positive. And a brilliant man
once said, a change is only a change if it's noticed.
(11:08):
So it makes me wonder is Jaylen noticing all of
the positive changes or is she not noticing him just
and just realizing, oh, this is a day where I
don't feel awful, so I get to just okay instead
of like, if we notice the good things, we can
put those in the positive end of the neutral. Does
that make sense?
Speaker 3 (11:31):
Yes, it does. I think my challenge is.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Like I do see them as positive, but how I
feel about them is neutral, which is like, I'm not
allowing myself to be excited about these things being positive
because you're absolutely right. You know, if you have a
(11:56):
business and everything's going well, Yeah, why would you not.
Speaker 3 (11:59):
Put that in the positive box? Yeah? You know, it's
a mind shift change.
Speaker 4 (12:06):
It's a an ability to allow myself to get happy
about those things. I guess sometimes I don't like to
get too excited about stuff because I expect something to
happen that's going to need my attention, which also is
not necessarily a bad thing.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
But I just I guess I'm just not allowing myself
to enjoy it.
Speaker 4 (12:34):
I'm pretty like I mean, obviously I have moments where
I'm like having fun and I'm excited about stuff, But
I would say my general disposition is not someone who
is like.
Speaker 3 (12:48):
Super happy.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
So I find myself wondering how could we help Jalen
make that shift where she is noticing good things and
allowing herself to enjoy them. Because here's this can I
I'm gonna tell you what I consider the secret of life.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
You ready, I'm ready?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
I think the secret of life, and I really I'm
not joking when I say that, I genuinely believe this
is a secret of life. The secret of life is
when you realize every single person, every single day, has
good things and bad things happening. So the secret of
life isn't to make good things happen because there are
(13:33):
good things happening all around us all the time. And
the secret of life isn't to make bad things not
happen because they're bad things happening around us all the time.
The secret of life is living your life, paying more
attention than the good things than the bad. But some
of us have had the kind of life where it's
easier to notice the bad because they seem to be
(13:55):
more frequent. So how do I help Jayen really notice
and embrace the good things of life? How do you
do that? Let me ask you this, if I took
you back to a time in your life when you
(14:16):
were like the happiest, most excited version of yourself, can
you think back to that time?
Speaker 3 (14:23):
I guess the most recent is when I gave birth twice.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
Oh, when you gave birth, that was the most excited
and happy.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
M h.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Why what was it about the giving birth process, Jalen
that made you happy?
Speaker 4 (14:48):
I just, you know, I just don't take it for
granted that I've had the opportunity to be a mother.
So I just find that to be a beautiful blessing.
And it is just a great opportunity to have to
have two young men, young boys that will become men,
(15:09):
and I get to mold their life and kind of
present them to the world as just kind, brave, intelligent
human beings.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
So I you know, I was.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
Excited, Like, giving birth in itself is extremely painful, at
least it was for me, but I was excited to
have that gift.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
So where did you learn to view motherhood of these
two boys as a gift and something you should not
take for granted.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
I don't know, I guess because I was an auntie
for so long. So when I finally realized, oh shit,
I'm going to be a mom now, like I don't
that the acknowledgment just made me so happy. Like I
did have an abortion, and I did lose a child.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
When I was pregnant. I did have a miscarriage.
Speaker 4 (16:06):
So when my first son was born, I was just like, wow,
like this is so cool, Like I really have this
chance to be a mom, which it wasn't something that
I necessarily thought was going to happen.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
In my life.
Speaker 4 (16:24):
So when it happened, I just happy about it.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
And I know they're really young, But have you had
a moment when you were very proud of them? Like
have one of your children done something that made you
like really proud of that of that child?
Speaker 3 (16:44):
Yes, all the time, both of them.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
Oh really, can you give me an example? Can you
give me an example?
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Sure?
Speaker 4 (16:50):
I mean my five year old he having you know,
a baby brother was kind of a transition for him
and I, you know, and you know, and little and
little brothers are kind of like you know, my youngest
will literally walk up to him and smax shit out
for absolutely no reason, which is, you know, kind of foul.
It's something that you're gonna have to get used to.
(17:11):
But he would you know, normally turn around in the
beginning and just hit him back or push him. And
now he's learning to, you know, speak assertively to him
and let him know, like that's not what you do,
you do this instead, So I'm proud to see him
do that. He's also my oldest is a little emotional,
so when he's able to kind of manage his emotions
(17:33):
a little bit better when he gets upset, I'm proud
of him. It's like every day, I'm proud of him.
He does something every day that I'm looking and watching
and I'm so happy for him. My youngest is talking more.
He's a little more reserved than my oldest, but he's
talking more. He really likes to sing, so i'd love
to watch him sing, you know, the alphabets or little
(17:56):
songs that he learns the daycare. And he actually really
is good at carrying the melody. He doesn't have the
words you know out just yet, but he's definitely got
the melody down.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Yeah, they're awesome. I love them.
Speaker 1 (18:12):
I Mean, this is going to sound like a loaded question,
but I have to ask it. Do you allow yourself
to enjoy motherhood?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I think so? Okay, I think so.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
It sounds like it sounds like you do.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
To be honest, Yeah, Like it's not easy.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
No, probably one of the hardest jobs I've ever had,
Like and I've been like literally harder than being in
the military. But I but you know, the reward is
way bigger.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Do you tell them how proud you are of them?
I do?
Speaker 3 (18:50):
I do.
Speaker 4 (18:51):
I tell them I'm proud of them. I tell them
I love them. When I had my oldest, I made
sure that every single day I would tell him I
love him, because I didn't grow up in a household
where we said I love you very often, if at all,
until maybe later on, But growing up it's not something
that I heard often. So when he was born, I said,
(19:13):
every day, I'm going to tell this way I love him.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
And I do the same thing with my youngest, and
I do. I love them.
Speaker 4 (19:21):
I'm proud of them, I'm excited about their lives. They're
so cool, they're really really dope.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
So what do you think it does to them? To
have a mom who thinks being their mom is so
cool and who thinks my mom thinks I'm really really dope. Like,
what do you think it does to them?
Speaker 4 (19:44):
I hope that it encourages them to be their authentic
self and allows them to truly just just be. I
think one of my goals as a mother is I
want them to be who they are without having the
stress of worrying about things that children really shouldn't have
(20:06):
to worry about, as far as like household management and
finances and all these other things. Like, I just want
them to be who they are out now, you know,
and just live their life to the fullest, so while
also having the value system that we're instilling in them.
So I hope it just allows them to be that
(20:29):
that's the goal.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
At least, did you have to try? Because I don't
imagine your kids are perfect? No, so, and by the way,
that's not being I'm just saying that, Like, no kids
are perfect.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Right there.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
No, No kids are perfect. Kids are annoying as hell.
Like no, yeah, no, they're awesome, but they are annoying.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
And you said something remarkable a minute ago. You said,
I want to make sure I caught it. Right that
they do something that makes me proud every day? Did
you say that?
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Yeah, okay, so given that they do something that makes
me proud every day, but you also describe them as
my kids are really really dope? Do you have to
work hard to notice good things about them? Like? How
do you how do you notice that? Like my youngest
will just walk up to the older brother just match
shit out of him, but he's still really really dope?
(21:25):
Like how do you hold both? Like they're annoying as
hell and they do these really difficult things, but they're
still really really dope? Like how do you pay attention
to the really really dope part?
Speaker 3 (21:37):
I choose the focus on it.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
Okay, what would happen if you did that about your life?
Not just about your kids? You I'd like, I want
you to take that phrase. I choose to focus on
it and like tattoo it on your face, like I
want you to tattoo it like on your forehead. What
(22:02):
would happen to Jalen's life if you did the exact
same thing about yourself? About David, about your laundryn, you
know what I mean? Like, what would happen if you
did that? More globally? Through. I honestly believe, Jalen, like
I'm getting goosebumps as I think about this. Your children
(22:26):
are among the luckiest children in the world. And the
reason they're so lucky is because they have a mom
who made a promise to them when they were born,
and she kept that promise. Like I knew, I grew
up in a household where I didn't hear I love
you a lot. So I told myself, I'm going to
tell these two boys I love them every day. And
(22:46):
you've kept that promise. Your children are incredibly lucky because
they have a mom who, even though they do stupid stuff,
and even though they're annoying, my mom keeps you and
me as if I'm really really dope.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
That is a gift you're giving to your children, Jalen.
That I hope you understand how amazing that is, and
that not every child in this world has that right.
I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to Ja.
I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to David.
I'm not sure you're giving that same gift to the
(23:26):
people you work. You know, so when you say it's
exciting to me because I think I found the joy
in your life, and it's those two boys. They could
be as horrible as ever, but you're gonna keep noticing
what's good about them, right. I have to ask you,
what would happen to your life if you just more
generally applied that philosophy.
Speaker 4 (23:49):
I mean, I think obviously, like if I focused on
the good stuff, then the good stuff would multiply. I
think you know, that's just just how the law of
attraction works.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
Right, Jalen. I think that's absolutely true. I think that's
absolutely true. I think that's how a lot of attraction works,
for sure.
Speaker 3 (24:12):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
I got some self worth self value issues that I
just I haven't gotten past yet. I don't know why,
But maybe I don't know. If I just focus on
the good stuff, those things will eventually work themselves out.
I don't know if that's how that works.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
How how long have you had these self worth self
value issues?
Speaker 3 (24:40):
I don't know, probably for a very long time.
Speaker 4 (24:43):
Well, you know, it starts small and then it and
it increases and increases. So you know, I probably started
when I was young and chugging all of that stuff.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
You know, And I think you might have just hit
on maybe the most important thing is having self worth,
self value issues. How would you rather feel about yourself.
I want to.
Speaker 4 (25:11):
Feel about myself the way I feel about my sons,
Like I want to look at myself and be like, yo,
she is so fucking awesome. At the end of the day,
It's just like, no matter what I do, I'm always
criticizing myself, Like I'm always like, what can she be?
Speaker 1 (25:31):
Why? Why?
Speaker 4 (25:32):
Like it's like you said, not focusing on the good stuff,
Like instead of focusing on the fact that, okay, well
you before having a baby, you took care of your
body pretty damn good. Also, you know, I'm a smoker.
I do smoke when I'm pregnant and breastfeeding. I stopped
as soon as I finished breastfeeding, I went back to smoking.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
But instead of focusing on the fact that.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
I'm smoking now, like I should probably focus on the
fact that I have quit multiple tis so, but I
don't do that. I just smoke, and then I judge
myself every single time I do it. So I'm like,
you know, just stuff like that, Like I don't. I
don't when it comes to me, It's just really hard
(26:15):
for me to consistently and continually be pleased with myself,
and I guess part of it is right now. I
just think it's because I've been through so many changes
in the last few years, like getting out the military,
then being in a job that I don't particularly enjoy,
(26:39):
pays the bills but don't really like it, and then
you know, being in a relationship for so long and
feeling like that person doesn't value me, and then gaining
weight after having kids. So it's like all of these
things have happened like within a short period of time,
and not working out when I used to, Like I
literally worked out when I was pregnant with my youngest
(27:02):
till like week thirty one. And I'm not talking about
like going for walks, like literally in the gym, punching
heavy bags, like kicking, like doing all of these things,
and then as soon as I have my kid, like
not being able to figure out how to adjust to.
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Continue to do that.
Speaker 4 (27:18):
So it's like, okay, so were you doing it for
yourself or were you just doing it because you were
pregnant and you wanted to take care of your body
so that he could be good? But it's like, how
do you do that for you? You know what I'm saying,
Like how do you like, Okay, when you're in the military,
you worked out all the time, but it was a requirement.
So now it's like, how do you just do it
for yourself? Like, I don't know why there's such an
(27:40):
issue with that with me.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
I don't really know. I don't. It's annoying though, cause
it's like I know so many things, but I just
I'm just not doing it, you know, like the whole
thing like, oh, you know better, you do better, like
that should have done true, a lot of people know better,
you don't do better.
Speaker 4 (27:57):
They don't like you know, how do you make that
that transition to say, this is my life, I'm going
to take care of myself just for the sac of
the sake of it being for me.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
And I don't know why.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
That's if I answered that, how helpful would that be
to you? Because I think I know the answer to that.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
I mean, I mean, I'm interested in knowing with your responsiblit.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
Sure, in order to answer that, I have to talk
to you about your sons. Okay, you're doing something with
your sons that is very, very important, and you're doing
it because you didn't have it when you were growing up.
You said you didn't grow up in a household where
you were being told I love you a whole lot. Correct, correct,
(28:40):
So you're what you're doing is you're telling your sons
I love you every day. Now, what that does is
there are days that your sons think they're the greatest
things since sliced bread, and when you say I love you,
they're going to be like, of course you do, because
I'm awesome and you're supposed to love me because I'm
(29:01):
the greatest. But then there are also days when your
sons don't feel great, like maybe they had a tough
day at school, or maybe they got in trouble at home.
And on those days, you say I love you too,
and that makes them feel worthy because even when I'm
not at my best, my mother loves me. Does that
make sense.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
What you're doing to yourself, and I think it comes
from the environment you were raised in, is you're making
your love conditional upon your performance. So I must be
worthy if I woke up and I worked out, and
I did good things, and I was productive and I
was awesome and all those things. When you consistently tell
(29:44):
your children that you love them, they just feel worthy.
They don't think their love is conditional upon performance. So
I want you to treat Jaylen as if her love
for self is not conditional upon performance. I want you
to do exactly for yourself what you do for your children,
which is, every single day, notice the good things about yourself,
(30:07):
and it has nothing to do with what you did
that day. It has to do with who you are
as a human. You do this magically well with your children,
but not as well with yourself, which makes sense because
you didn't get taught this at an early age. Yeah,
to be honest with you, you're an amazing person, and
(30:30):
it doesn't matter whether you worked out this morning. It
doesn't matter whether you smoked a cigarette today. It doesn't
matter whether you did great things at work today. That's
those things are not relevant in the same way that
your children. And I love this phrase. My youngest son
will smack this shit out of his brother, but he
is still really really dope. That is exactly how I
(30:54):
want you to look at Jaylen. She may have smoked today,
but she's still really really dope. She may not have
worked out today, but she is still really really dope.
When you can treat and talk to and think about
yourself in that way, all the other things will click
into place.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yes, as they say, fake it.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
So you make it. But I would say notice it
until it's real, because it's there. It's not even faking
it because that would imply you're not dope. So just
pretend you're to until you become dope. That is like, no,
you are, you're just not attending to it.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
I just don't believe that though.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Well, then let's can we discover it together, because I'm
telling you, Jay, the reason you don't believe it isn't
because it's not there. The reason you don't believe it
is because your parents didn't teach you to pay attention
to it. And what makes that so remarkable is in
spite of that fact, you're still doing it with your
two kids. Let's start here because I don't believe in
(31:57):
giving people compliments unless I can support the compliment with evidence.
So let me give you an example of what I
mean when I say, Jay Lennon is an amazing person.
Do you understand how hard it is not to recreate
a pattern in your children? So what we all do
as human beings, like literally almost all of us, we
(32:18):
do what we were trained to do, even if it
causes harm we do what we were trained to do.
You're doing the exact opposite. You were trained not to
view yourself in this loving way, and you have decided
to break that pattern, and you are viewing your children
in this loving way. So when you sit back and
(32:39):
you think, but I don't think it's I don't view
myself that way. That's where I want you to start,
because it is incredibly special that you have broken a
family pattern and your children are gonna benefit for the
rest of their life with that fact, I want you
to practice viewing yourself through the lens of you are
(33:00):
really awesome? Can you do that? I want you to
view yourself through the lens of how awesome you are. Now,
You're not perfect, So every single day there will be
things that like, oh, I wish I fixed that flower,
I wish I wish I didn't make those kind of mistakes.
But I also want you to pay attention to the
things that make you, as you said, really really dope. Okay,
(33:23):
Now I'm going to give you an exercise to do
to help you do that. Okay, can you hear me?
You said about your children, they do something every single
day to make me proud. Every single day, I want
you to think of one thing you do that makes
you proud of yourself. Like when somebody comes in and
they say, this laundry mat is doing better, and I
want you to think what role do I play in that?
(33:45):
Or when your employee brings you lunch, I want you
to say, what have I done to make them care
for me in such a way? Like I want you
to always be thinking about what have you done that
makes you proud of yourself? My goal is we got
to put something on the other side of the neutral.
Can't just have negative and neutral. I've got to have negative,
neutral and positive and quite frankly, and you deserve it.
Speaker 3 (34:07):
Gotcha that next time we meet, I'm going to start
off with something so positive I love it.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
Just wait all right. That means you have to be
paying attention to.
Speaker 3 (34:18):
It absolutely and I gotta allow myself.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
To yam, it's gonna happen.
Speaker 3 (34:26):
I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Your self worth is significantly impacted by your childhood, be
it positive or negative, and those of us who have
had trauma in our childhood and abuse and neglect and
abandonment usually have massive self worth issues. But there's good
(34:49):
news is you can restore that by simply shifting your
mindset and focusing on how you got through those experiences
and not folks on that those experiences happened. I think
this goes back to the toxic positivity thing. I am
someone who has experienced massive childhood trauma. My father was
(35:10):
quite abusive, and I really just have two choices. I
can continue to ruminate, which I did for years, on
why my father did this and that had happened and
why me and all of those things, which lead to
a low self belief and low self worth. Or I
can start asking myself how I survived it and achieved things.
(35:33):
How did I survive that childhood and graduate from high
school and college and get a master's degree and you know,
get married, on all of the things. And when you
start thinking about how you overcame challenges on your path,
the inherent consequence of that is an increase in self worth.
And the beautiful thing is that's the kind of self
(35:55):
worth that no one can take from you. When we return,
we will learn more about Freddie's challenges to reconnect with
the children and the power in expressing love. If you
are out there struggling with addiction, it is very likely
(36:18):
you made real mistakes in the relationships in your life.
You ruptured relationships with your romantic partner, you ruptured relationship
with your children, you ruptured relationship with your parents. I hope,
more than anything, as you listen to Freddie and his story,
(36:41):
I hope you pay attention to two very important things.
The first one is Freddie is one of those people.
He made mistakes in his relationships, most notably and highlighted
here in this process with his children. But I hope
what you notice is a man who continues to show
up to therapy, and he continues to talk about reconnecting
(37:05):
with his children, at times imperfectly, at times with fear, hesitation,
and anxieties, but he keeps showing up. And I hope
you see that healing and love are unbelievably powerful things. So,
no matter what mistakes you made while you were in
(37:28):
the throes of addiction, on the other side of it
is the opportunity for healing through the power of love.
And more than anything, I think that's what this family represents,
and more than anything, I think that's what Freddie stands for.
So as you listen to these stories, pay attention to
(37:49):
Freddie because he's demonstrating something that quite honestly a lot
of people don't get to see. And I think it's priceless.
M And you mentioned that your wife will say to you,
(38:10):
you know, you should call your kids, but you said
you're not very good at that.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
Well, I'm not, I'm not. I don't. Uh.
Speaker 4 (38:21):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
I talked to my other daughter that she lives in Virginia. Uh,
two days ago. Uh I called. I got another daughter
name the name. I haven't talked to her about a month.
I talked to my other son, uh. They I talked
to him about a week ago.
Speaker 4 (38:42):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (38:42):
My son in my lost and I haven't talked to
him about two weeks. Uh. Then I got like, uh
two step kids or three, and she said, I communicate
with them more than I communicate with my my biological
kids though although I raised I raised them for like
(39:03):
fifteen twenty years. You know, when they were there with kids,
I raised him, playing with younger childres that got two adults,
you know what I mean. So it's not that I don't.
I don't think I favorite either one or not. But
I got like, I got like nine kids by three
(39:24):
different women. So uh, I think I know for a
fact that it's here. Was upset with that because I
broke up with his mother and moved to Florida for
like ten years, you know what I mean. I started
a whole new family that went astray, and I moved
(39:48):
from Florida, moved somewhere else and started another family, you
know what I mean. So it seemed like I don't
know if I fall. I know, I'm settled well at
right now, my heart, you know what I mean. And
it's kind of it's kind of crazy because I obey
this song. I think, uh uh, you're probably familiar with
(40:11):
this song. Uh uh uh guy. Verses of a natural high.
I'm on cloud nine, natural high, and I never really
uh knew what a natural high felt like, you know
what I mean, as far as like like when I
make love to my wife, now I be, I be,
(40:33):
I be floating on cloud nine and she'd be bothering.
That's I tell I never realized how it feel to
have a natural high. You know what I'm saying, That
a woman can make you feel like you're on cloud nine,
just float, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
I had a couple of questions, but my first one
is what what what do you think is interfering with
your ability to contact your kids, Like, do you feel
bad about starting another family? Is their guilt? Are you?
Speaker 3 (41:04):
Like?
Speaker 1 (41:04):
What's the what do you think is the biggest barrier
that you experience?
Speaker 2 (41:09):
I don't know. Sometimes you you you you uh. I
think for myself, I think sometimes when you get so
settle in in in a way you know, you say
you're gonna do it tomorrow tomorrow, I'll be like always
ill do it tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. And I
(41:30):
think that's one of my worst dilemmas in my life
because when I say I'm gonna do it tomorrow, tomorrow
never comes. Or if I don't do it right, then
it won't happen. As far as like I don't. I
don't think, uh that I feel guilty for having uh
(41:52):
kids by all these different women, because I love my
kids and like at the time, like you know, I was,
I was in love and I fell out loved and
I fell in love again. Like it's a totally difference
film with her than I ever had with anybody else.
(42:12):
So that's why I said to her, I said, I
don't think I really was in love or it's this
unless it's different levels of love you know what I mean,
She said, I don't always have to do the big things,
and like to make her happy, I gotta just do
more little things every day to make her happy. And
she I'll be thinking, like I gotta do something gigantic
(42:33):
or something far FETs you know what I'm saying to
express my love. You know, you could just do a
little thing, you know what I mean. So I was like, Okay, yeah,
I don't work too, I could also I could do that.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
So I want to go back to the kids. What
little things can you do for the nine kids to
show them that you love them? Like you you do
these little things and you show your wife that you
love her. I wonder what little things you could do
to show the kids that you love them, that they're
important to you as well.
Speaker 2 (43:05):
And it's funny because, like, I didn't see what he's
up in about two weeks. So when I went up
up north and I saw him, he was he had
a pouty face on, you know what I mean, Uh like,
come here, come in, and he looked at me and
start it was pouty, you know what I mean, and
(43:26):
took and it took like maybe ten fifteen minutes for
him to come around and start jumping on me and
playing with me again. So everybody was like, wow, he
really missed you, We really miss you, and I could
like it was so uh.
Speaker 1 (43:40):
It was so.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Uh visible, and everybody noticed him, Like wow. I said, Man, see,
I gotta start That's what made me really wanted him
to come stay with me again, because I don't want
him to uh feel that way anymore. Like you know,
because like I was when I was living up there,
I was I was coming to her house almost every
(44:04):
other day, So I was I was feeling kind of
guilty about that because, uh, kids there just let you
know right off the bat how they're feeling, you know
what I mean. You know, I call talk to you
on the phone, but you know that ain't that's somewhat helpful.
But you gotta be like the President's gotta be right.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
There was that kid you were talking about, Yes, how
can you help show your kids, like you just sending
and Jade and the others that you that you miss
them and you love them and you care about them
and you want to be in their lives.
Speaker 2 (44:41):
Well, I gotta be more attentive to them. I gotta
start doing things with them, start calling them each and
every day or each every other day. Uh, trying to
spend quality time with them, you know what I mean,
doing uh, you know, doing things with them, man, you
know what I mean, like uh or even in something
(45:02):
even buying it like I miss you card and send
them a card or something like that, just saying I
miss you, I love you and stuff love that nature.
Speaker 1 (45:09):
Do you miss them?
Speaker 4 (45:12):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (45:13):
I do, I really do.
Speaker 1 (45:14):
Do you care about them?
Speaker 2 (45:17):
I love my kids? Yeah too, And I ain't where
I want to do for them? Man? Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (45:24):
Do you think they know that? Now I'm not I'm
not saying you're wrong, but like, do they know that
that there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for them?
Speaker 2 (45:33):
One question? They realized that, Like my wife always says,
she says, sometimes you always try to do the do
something that's so big you all you gotta do is
do the little things every day. He should waiting to
try to do something that's gonna be real big, you
know what I mean, because sometimes the big thing never happened.
But you keep doing the little things and to the
(45:53):
little things work up to the big things, you know
what I mean. So now that you know I am
a little more situated and things are starting to come on,
you know together financially, I can. I could do things,
you know, for our cinemas and flowers or cinemas or
you know, I missed your card, I love your card
or something like that.
Speaker 1 (46:11):
You know, would they be surprised to get that and
I miss your card and I love your card from you?
Speaker 2 (46:19):
Oh man, I think so, because I think uh when
I sent uh, I think it was the year before last.
Speaker 3 (46:30):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
I sent all the all the mother's mother Day's cards,
and they was there was there was you know, I
could see that espressally on their face that when they
got the car and and they all called me. You
know what I mean? Because that Uh, it's something that
you know, I don't I don't do, and it needs
to be done on a frequent basis, you know what
(46:51):
I mean. It's not something I should just be done,
uh on every other year. It's be done, you know,
on on a steady basis.
Speaker 1 (47:01):
I think that's true. Freddie. If if I had all
nine of your kids in a room and I interviewed
them and I asked them, what do you think of
your father? What do you think they would say?
Speaker 2 (47:12):
Well, I think they would be Uh, happy that that
where my life is now, where I'm at right now,
as far as you know, compared to my life, Uh,
maybe five years ago.
Speaker 1 (47:28):
It was different about your life five years ago.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
About five or ten years old. I was I was
in the streets, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (47:37):
I was.
Speaker 2 (47:38):
I was in the streets.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
I was.
Speaker 2 (47:42):
Doing drinking, high, just running the streets.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
Man.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
I had no no, my life had had no direction
as far just all I want to do is be
in the streets, hustle and make money and just run
the streets, you know what I mean. So uh, and
I think now that you know, I don't I don't
indulge in any of all those things. Right now. My
life is three I've been clean for five years going
(48:08):
on six.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
From what drug? You got clean from?
Speaker 3 (48:11):
What?
Speaker 2 (48:13):
Everything?
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Really?
Speaker 2 (48:15):
And then you will say what do you call? God
says it didn't matter if you had it, I want
some of it, you know what I mean? Uh, it
didn't matter. So I'm so proud of my life by
right now because I thought I would die in those streets.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
Yeah, A lot of people do every day.
Speaker 3 (48:36):
Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (48:37):
And I thank God for deliverance.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
Man.
Speaker 2 (48:39):
You just don't know how much I thank God for deliver.
Speaker 1 (48:40):
Did it happen? How did you get clean?
Speaker 2 (48:43):
How did it happen?
Speaker 1 (48:45):
What was the turning point? How did you? How did
you get clean? From all that?
Speaker 2 (48:51):
I think, I think when you get tied and you
you you you uh lose everything and you don't got
the shirt on your back no more, and people just
give up hope on you, you know what I mean,
and you find yourself like a rock body, you know
(49:15):
what I mean.
Speaker 1 (49:16):
You know.
Speaker 2 (49:16):
It's so many times that I look back at it
and I say, ah, if I only did this before,
you know what I mean, if I only got clean before,
my life would be so much better, you know what
I mean. But I can't look at it like that.
I'm clean now, and I'm grateful for that. And and
(49:37):
I think because like for like I would say, ten
fifteen years, my life was like that, you know, when
I was in them streets, you know, and like I said,
it destroys so many things in my life, you know,
destroy relationship with my kids, destroyed relationship. I lost a
lot of money, I lost a lot of materialist things.
(50:00):
I lost respectful you know from people, you know what
I mean, you know, and I just thank God for
deliverance now, man, like, wow, why why you know what
happened when it happened, And I'm grateful for it, you
know what I mean. I can't go back and say
I wish I could have done it earlier in my life.
(50:22):
I'm just happy now I've done it now, you know
what I mean. So I could just build off now
my life the way it is now. I could just
build off the way it is now, you know. I think, Uh,
all my all my kids, they like they they're old
(50:43):
enough to know the type of life I have, you
know what I mean, And so they see that I
don't turn I turned my life in the three sixty,
you know what I mean? Uhh, Like I said, I
don't indulge anything. I have a beer on it. I
don't even really remember the last time how to be here,
you know what I matter? Or the football game. I
(51:03):
had to be at a football game. But other than that,
I don't. I don't indulge myself with people that use drugs,
you know what I mean. I don't like my turn
my back on them or nothing like that, but I
don't be around them. I don't indulge with them, and
I don't. I can't it's not that, you know, I
(51:28):
hate them for because they do what they do. That's
their business, you know what I mean. But I don't
want no parts of it, you know what I mean
at all?
Speaker 1 (51:35):
And you you mentioned something, you said when you're on
them streets, you lost money, people respect for you, and
you said it hurts your relationship with your kids, and
then you turned your life around, like three sixty. What
have you done to repair the relationship with the kids
from all you know, ten fifteen years out on the streets.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
Well, I've been making attempts. I would say they're kind
of fertile attempts, you know what I mean. I could
be doing a substantial amount of more things to uh
repay my relationship with my kids. But I think as
far as me uh being in their life each and
every day or each and every uh like that, h
(52:22):
it's lacking. It's lacking greatly, you know what I mean.
Because which I like, I like, Like I said, I make,
I make futile attempts on trying to uh maintain that,
you know what I mean. Sometimes you get caught up
in your own, your own world, and one day slipping
to two days and two days of slipping to two
(52:44):
weeks before you know, it'd be a whole month and
you know, missed out again, you know what I mean?
And I feel so guilty about myself as far as
not being able to uh maintain a relationship with my
kids or keep staying involved with them.
Speaker 1 (53:02):
I think you you have some work to do to
repair those relationships.
Speaker 2 (53:08):
Absolutely, I know I do.
Speaker 1 (53:09):
How do you overcome that fear so that you can
do the things you need to do to two heal
the relationship with the kids.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
Well, I think I gotta be more persistent, you know,
I gotta be more uh hum, I got I gotta
maintain uh h uh uh a relationship with them. Like
(53:42):
one week I call them, two weeks I'll call them.
Three weeks to go by, and I don't call them.
I don't maintain. I don't once I see I established
something with them and we have a good relationship going,
and then for some reason, I just fall back into
my my cycle. Gain I get to relax. Now. I
(54:04):
don't show no initiative. I don't call them them allut
you know what I mean. I don't send them no flowers.
I don't send no no, you know, I don't. I
don't do anything, you know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (54:14):
And and.
Speaker 2 (54:16):
Then when I I I think, when I try to
communicate with them again, they don't. They hold back a
little bit because I think every time I get into it,
I come into their life, I go out their life.
I come into their life, I go out their life,
you know what I mean. That's why my and I
(54:37):
blame myself with that because I don't I don't be persistent.
I don't stay you know, I don't stay on it.
You know what I mean. I don't stay on.
Speaker 1 (54:48):
How's it going to help you? How's it going to
help you to stay on it?
Speaker 3 (54:51):
Like?
Speaker 1 (54:52):
What what difference is it going to make in your
life when you're able to stay on it?
Speaker 2 (55:00):
I don't really know. Because if I knew that answer
to that, I would be more persistent. I would be
more involved in their life each and every day.
Speaker 1 (55:10):
Can we figure this out together, Freddy?
Speaker 2 (55:13):
I would love to try to figure it out, man,
I tell you.
Speaker 1 (55:15):
Because I just asked you, like, how was going to
help you when you get persistent? You were like, I
don't really know yet. Well, let's figure that out. Can
I ask you to do a really really hard thing?
Speaker 2 (55:27):
Yeah? You sure can.
Speaker 1 (55:28):
I want you to call each of the nine children
and let them know that you love them, you want
to be in their lives, and you apologize for any
hurt being in those streets might have caused them. Can
you say that to each of the nine kids. Yeah,
(55:51):
I love you, I want to be in your life,
and I apologize for any hurtful thing that happened while
I was in those streets for ten or fifteen years.
Speaker 2 (56:01):
Hmm. Yeah, I've made attempts to do that before, and
like I said, I'll be in the life for a
period of time. Yeah, I don't be persistent.
Speaker 1 (56:17):
With right now. I don't want you. I don't even
want you worrying about being consistent. I just want you
to do that one thing. We'll build consistency after that,
but right now, I just want you to do the
one thing.
Speaker 2 (56:27):
All right.
Speaker 1 (56:28):
It doesn't even matter if you're consistent right now. We're
just gonna start with the one step, and if you
can do that one step with each of the nine kids,
then we'll take another step.
Speaker 2 (56:39):
All right.
Speaker 1 (56:39):
And nine's a lot, but you gotta do it because
I want them to know the father that they actually have,
that actually loves and cares for them. But you got
to take accountability for what happened, so you can heal
this relationship right, And then what you and I are
going to figure out is now, once you start that
healing journey, what difference is it gonna make for Freddy.
Speaker 2 (57:01):
I'm gonna call them, all of them, talk to each.
Speaker 1 (57:05):
At the end of each session, I tend to invite
clients to do something, or to notice something, or to
pay attention to something, and it's really important that they
receive that, But it's not necessarily important that they do it,
because it doesn't matter to me whether the client comes
(57:26):
back to the session and they've done the task, or
they've done something else, or they didn't do it. The
fact that they were asked to do it puts change
in their mind. And when you notice change, you are
already progressing. So the very reason that I will often
invite clients to do something is simply to keep change
(57:49):
on their mind, whether they do it, don't do it,
or do something else when they come back to therapy,
that's where we're going to start the exploration. But it's
very important that people constantly have change and the details
of change in their purview, in their perception stay tuned
for my final thoughts after this. So people often say
(58:16):
that time heals all wounds, and I don't believe that
is true. If it's simply the passage of time that
were to create healing, then things like resentment and festering
and estrangement wouldn't exist. I'll tell you what time does do.
Time provides opportunity for healing and growth. But you have
(58:37):
to be an active participant in your healing. You have
to be an active participant in your growth. You have
to accept it's going to be hard, it's going to
be challenging, it's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to
put you in situations that sometimes you'd rather not be in.
But it's worthwhile and it's meaningful. And there is nothing
(58:58):
in this world like the heal that can take place
after something negative has happened within a relationship in your life.
But if the relationship is meaningful enough, time provides opportunity
for healing and growth. More than anything. This family represents
(59:18):
three people that we're getting to listen to, but even
a larger extent of all of the people in the system,
like Jay and David's children whom we don't meet on
the podcast, and bread each other children whom we don't
meet in the podcast. This family represents taking the opportunity
(59:40):
to participate in healing and growth even when it is
hard and uncomfortable. That's what this process is about. And
I want everybody to take away from this episode and
this season at large. Time in and of itself is
not enough. Time does not heal all wounds. Active participation
(01:00:03):
in your healing and growth heals all ways. This is
not just a podcast that I want you to consume
and be entertained by. I actually want you to be inspired.
I want you to be impacted by this and in fact,
we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume.
So what I would like for you to do is
(01:00:24):
come on this healing journey with us. Come on this
journey of change rediscovery with us. And the way to
do that is to just pay attention to the things
going on in your life as a consequence of listening
to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life
shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your
(01:00:44):
desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to evidence of
your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us
know in the comments what you're noticing in your life
as a result of listening to this podcast and as
a result of paying attention to the things I would
love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,
(01:01:05):
and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect
with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can
also send me a text message to nine seven two
four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is
a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sefe. It's produced by
Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S
(01:01:27):
fisherm For more podcasts from The Black Effects, visit the
iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable
to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for
(01:01:49):
any specific concerns or questions you may have.
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