Let's Self-Preserve with Brea Baker

Brea Baker returns! Having a communal mindset, instilling moments of silence, loving self and resetting the meaning of success are just a few topics that SNT and Brea “@FreckledWhileBlack” Baker discuss in this calming and uplifting episode that’s full of self-care tips, nips and notions for Black folks and everybody in-between. #HelloSomebody

LINKS:

Brea Baker

@FRECKLEDWHILEBLACK, @brea_baker

www.breabaker.com

Let’s Get Some Understanding with Brea Baker

https://www.hellosomebodypodcast.com/podcast/get-some-understanding

Quote:

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare. – Audre Lorde

 https://actbuildchange.com/books/a-burst-of-light/

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Next term every time. Welcome to Hello Somebody, a production

(00:27):
of The Black Effect Podcast Network and I Heart Media.
Where we rage against the machine, where we raise our
voices against injustice and stand up for justice. Where we
embrace hope and joy with an optimism for a bright
or more just future. Each week I'll be dropping knowledge,

(00:48):
whether it's a solo episode from me or a hearty
discussion with esteam guests doing great things in spaces and
places of politics, entertainment, social justice, and beyond. We get real, baby,
I mean really real. We get honest, We get up
close and personal for you, yes, you, because everybody is Somebody.

(01:16):
Before we begin, I want to give a special shout
out to my team, Thank you, Sam, Tiffany, Sam and
the team over at Good Jujuic Studios, Erica England, Pepper Chambers,
the Hot One, and my social media team. Well y'all,
As promised, I have the one and only Bria Baker

(01:39):
back with us as an activist, writer, freedom fighter, and
self care advocate. Bria can definitely add light and love
to any conversation. And we are about to jump right
it too it y'all remember that song Jump Jump jump
to it. I won't even try to sing because y'all
won't love me like you like you do if I welcome,

(02:01):
welcome back to the show. Thank you for being back
with us on Hello somebody for a weird So happy
to have you and with everything that's happening in our lives,
I know that you are a solid, excited advocate for
self care. So let's go ahead, let's jump into let's
talk about it. Thank you so much for having me back.
And this is the best conversation to be having right

(02:23):
now because there's a lot going on in the world
and we really do have to take care of ourselves. No,
I'm glad it's very timely, and I know you will
drop some nuggets that I need as well. So this
is selfish. Then let me just put that out there.
This show is selfish, self care selfish. Yes, we are
dose people get to listen in on it. So I

(02:44):
want to center our conversation with Audrey Lord. You know
she was a feminist and a civil rights leader, and
one of her quotes reads as follows, self care is
not self indulgence, it is self preservation. Where does that take?
I love that so much, because yes, when we say
self care, I think people hear the self and think

(03:06):
it is selfish, which honestly is not a bad thing
to be selfish. I think there are moments when it
just our life requires that from us, to go inward
and focus on ourselves. But what I loved is the
idea of in preserving myself, I'm doing more service for
the work that I'm here to do, because it is
a disservice for me too, you know, for an augy

(03:27):
lord to only right and theorize for a couple of
years because she wasn't able to take care of herself
versus decades plus and the dozens of works that were
being able to get from her because she was able
to really prioritize herself. And I think we again to
the burnout. You know, sometimes people burn out so fast
and you lose out on all that they could have

(03:48):
been and could have contributed to the space. So it's
it is selfish in some ways, but it's also in
service of the community to really is. And and sometimes
I like to think of it as when your car.
Hopefully we will not be on fossil fuels, but for
now we're still filling up our car with gas, and
the gas is pretty high as of this conversation. So

(04:08):
y'all forgive me for even using this analogy, but it
is like filling up your tank. You know, the car
can only take you so far before you have to
re feel and if we do that for our vehicles
and not just the gas, the maintenance to your vehicle,
if you own one, I know we probably have some
folks that ride public transit. Shout out to you if

(04:29):
you I'm just using this as an example. But if
you do the car, the car example, whether you own
one or not, it's just the example. You gotta refuel,
you gotta change your oil, you gotta get it tuned
up every now and then. You know, you gotta maintain
the car so that the car is running optimally. And
so is that a good? Oh? I love this analogy

(04:49):
and I to take it even deeper. The longer you
wait to maintain your car, the more expensive it becomes
to maintaining. Come on, the more gas you are guzzling
when you get to that final stre h versus they
always tell you, you know, feel your gas tank back
up before it gets to like a quarter of a tank.
You know, take it to be maintained before it's on

(05:09):
its last leg. Because by that point, now you've got
to fix everything and it's it's rusting fastest like. So
it's the self preservation pieces. Don't wait until you're already
depleted to then feel your gas tank back up. It's like,
preserve yourself along the way, preserve your energy along the way,
to carry yourself along the way so that you never
get to that burnt out period. Yeah, I can visualize it,

(05:33):
and you're right, it is much more expensive. And we
think about the wear and tear that we put on
our physical bodies and also our minds and our spirit.
If we don't replenish, then that wear and tear could
manifest itself with some health challenges. Oh yes, definitely, one
million percent. I mean, you know, I'm not going to

(05:53):
drag out the car analogy too much deeper, but um,
on that note too, it's like if you're not taking
care of yourself, if you're not taking care of the vehicle,
it will shut down on you at the worst possible time.
You on the highway, like, please, let me just get
to insert gas stations so that I can And it's like, no, sorry,
shut down here, because I told you back there that

(06:14):
she was on e and you waited until the last
possible moment, and our bodies do the same exact thing.
It will shut us down in a heartbeat and say, no,
I told you to rest, and now you're asking me, well,
I just have this one thing that I want to do.
Please just let me get to that finish line. And
and then it hurts you even more because you weren't
willing to just make the pauses when you were there.
So it's so real and it's disappointing to see it

(06:37):
in people because then it's harder to come back from
once you have those health complications. And we see black women,
black men in general dying in their forties and fifties,
and I'm sure they were thinking, you know, once I
achieve this accolade, once I get to this place in
my career, then I'll take a second to rest. And
then you don't always get there because the lack of

(07:00):
self preservation along the way was stopping you from that.
And I think that is so heartbreaking to see. And
so even just like our beloved bell Hooks passed them
away so young, and it's just heartbreaking to know that,
like we could have had more time with her, her
loved ones could have had more time with her, And
what are those stressors that lead to black people feeling
like they can't take a break. You know, we're so

(07:21):
busy telling ourselves you gotta work twice as hard to
get half as far, to be half as good, whatever
the case may be. But then it's like I would
rather you be a little bit more mediocre or take
some more breaks and live a long life. I want
to see more of us and rocking chairs in our
old age, not giving everything of ourselves to these spaces
that at the end of the day are going to

(07:43):
eulogize us, like we don't get nothing more than that.
That is so powerful what you just said, More of
us and rocking chairs, meaning that we will live to
that point, and especially black men. We're dipping back and forth.
Self care is for everybody, But really, I want to
go back to a point. We know that black men
die earlier than any other group here in the United States,

(08:06):
and part of that is what you're laying out. The
whole notion of some of it is toxic masculinity. And
I don't mean that because you know the alpha mal
like what you mean, strength expresses it with itself in
a multitude of ways, but we just haven't been socialized
in this culture that strength can manifest itself in different ways,

(08:26):
and so we often think of just brute strength instead
of strength of mind and body and spirit and strength
of heart. All of those things make somebody strong. But really,
do you think that a lot of the ways that
we have been socialized in this country, especially black people,

(08:47):
doesn't lend itself to us really understanding that we deserve
deserving This is such a big piece of it. I
think a lot of times we have, like, you know,
there's such an interesting relationship between black people and labor
in this country, and obviously during it is a forced relationship,

(09:09):
but in many ways I feel us forcing that Again,
is this like it has to be hustle culture. We
have to be grinding all the time. We've got to
be doing something. We've got to be productive in service
of who or what. Like most of the time it's
in service of somebody else's vision, and most of the
time that somebody else is a very powerful, very wealthy

(09:30):
white person who was not working as hard as the
you know, the people at the bottom of their totem pole.
I just feel that in our DNA that we feel
like we have to work and prove that we're not lazy,
prove that we are valuable to this country. And it's
like our ancestors did all that for and built It's

(09:51):
literally paid it. We literally built it. This country would
not be And I think sometimes people hear us say
that and they're like, oh, that that seems dramatic, But
like this country would not be a global power and
not have had as much economic military power if it
did not have our free labor. So for us to
then continue to give of ourselves so freely feels like

(10:11):
we don't really know the shoulders that we stand on, um.
And so I definitely feel that I feel this this
poll of black people feeling like they have to prove
who we are and our value to people that are
never going to really see that. And so I definitely
want us to like release ourselves from the self inflicted
shackles of needing to be productive all the time and

(10:34):
take more breaks. Um. But especially when it comes to
our men, I feel like there is a you know,
toxic masculinity. It goes many ways. So it's not just
a man is being toxically masculine towards someone else, but
it's how we raise our boys too, and I think
our boys are growing up to be men who feel
like they have to be providers every second of every day,

(10:55):
and that they are not valuable to someone if they
do not have. You know, certain success markers hit, and
it's frustrating to see when I'm just like I wish
you felt like you could take a break. But when
you take a moment to be still, then you got
to ask yourself, who am I really? What is my worth?
What is my value when it's not connected to providing
for somebody? And I think that's a difficult pill for

(11:17):
some people to swallow, and it's easier to just be
working all the time. And so that is is so
frustrating for me to see because I know that it's
such a deeper conversation that we're not having. But the
band aid fixes. I'm gonna just work, work, work, work, work.
I tell myself, I'm work till I get my first million.
Then you hit that or whatever, you know, whatever that

(11:37):
marker is, And there's always the goal post is always
being moved. It's never enough. Yeah, that is so true.
I don't think black people the way that we've been socialized,
the way that this society has been socialized to see
us very much as the workhorses of society. And I
love your point about if you settle, you gotta then

(11:58):
study your hy It makes you have to go and
do some introspection, which can be very difficult to to do.
Like to rest with yourself is challenging for many of us,
Having stillness is challenging. You know. We have this mindfulness
movement now which I believe there's something too mindfulness and

(12:19):
it is really getting in tune. So whether it's mindfulness
and meditation, all of those things they'll do require you
to be steal and to center yourself. Some of us
are not really comfortable with ourselves. Do you have any
techniques or advice about how to help someone start to
become comfortable with themselves? M hmm. Now we're getting into

(12:45):
the real stuff, because yes, a lot of people are
like afraid of the conversations and the thoughts they have
when there's no other noise, until they drown that out
with insert advice, whether that is numbing it with drugs
or whatever whatever the case may be. Success can be
that too. Though. It's the idea that as I'm always working,
I never have a second to really think of who
I am. Honestly, I'm still on that journey myself, but

(13:08):
therapy has been a big piece of it, and I
want more Black people going to therapy and really answering
those questions of like who am I when no one
is watching? And do I like that person? And who
do I want to be when no one is watching?
And what does it take to get there? I think
therapy is a really big part of it because if
you're not ready to really be still with yourself, there's

(13:30):
an accountability partner who is there to support you in it.
And so I think that is so so important. Is
like having an accountability partner who can ask you the
hard questions and even if you can't answer it in
the session, you walk away from it like I can't
believe she just rocked my world like that, Like why
would she ask me that in that session? And you're
thinking about that over the course. So I think that's

(13:50):
a big one for sure. I also think just like
the little things taking yourself on dates. I go out
to eat by myself all the time, You I can't.
I don't like even though I'm I am more of
an introvert than people think. I am because they see
me on stages and they see me speaking, I'm really
shy for you, and don't y'all laugh out there, who
know what I am? I am shy. You know. It's

(14:15):
easier to speak to lots of people in the audience.
Going back to that being with oneself, it's harder to
be when you're one on one. That is an intimate experience.
So I'm better with like speaking to bigger crowds. I
don't think I give anybody that impression, though, but I

(14:35):
am a shy person. So you can go, you can
take yourself out to I have had to eat by myself,
but I don't necessarily like to eat by myself, even
if I'm not necessarily engaging in conversation deep conversation with
the person, just knowing somebody else's at the table with me. Yeah,
that's real though. I mean I think different people will

(14:57):
have their own thing, But for me, I love it
because is it gives me again, like a break from it.
And I do see myself as someone who's very extroverted,
but I still need to recharge and it's nice to
be able to do that and not feel like the
pressure to continue a conversation or constantly be talking to someone,
And I'll go to a restaurant and just bring a

(15:17):
book and it's like I'm reading, but then I'll pause
from reading to just be like, you know, eating and
thinking to myself, and I enjoy the questions that come
up for me during it. I also think some of
my best ideas come from stillness, and I think other
people have admitted to that. You know, people will say
my best ideas come in the shower or when I'm
using the bathroom or when I'm on a walk, And
I'm always like, well, if you open yourself up to

(15:40):
more still time, what is possible? What would you unlock
in yourself if you just had a moment to be silent?
You know, for me, religion is also a big part
of it. Is like if I'm still, God can speak
to me. But even if you're not someone who's religious,
just seeing how you speak to yourself when no one
is around and no one is listening can open up
so many ideas of like, wait, this is what I

(16:00):
really want to be doing when I'm not thinking about
what makes my daddy proud, my mom proud, what my
community wants to me, Like what do I enjoy you
can't really enter those things. And I think that's why
a lot of people get to these midlife crises where
they're like, I've been living for so many other people
because I've never taken the time to get to know
myself and know what I want out of this life
or what i want out of a legacy. So I

(16:21):
think that's a big part of self preservation is just
like being still enough to hear your own InterVoice and
your gut instincts. We will have to take it because
this culture doesn't necessarily provide for us collectively to feel
like we can center ourselves in a way that edifies. Now,

(16:43):
there is the eurocentric worldview and the afrocentric worldview, and
those worldviews are in conflict, and I'm using these is
two examples where the Eurocentric view is more individualistic and
not individualistic and let me center myself and find out
who I am. It's more individualistic in how much money
can I make, what can I do? What com many

(17:05):
cars can I buy? How many clothes? And then the
afrocentric worldview is more collective oriented, and you find cultures
where there are people of color, be they African, Indigenous, Asian,
those cultures tend to be more collective centric, but the

(17:27):
eurocentric view certainly permeates the entire world definitely. Oh my god.
I mean I have two funny examples about this. One
is I was living in Singapore for a year. Actually
that was my first job. It was beautiful, Oh my gosh,
like one of the most beautiful countries I've been to.
Love the experience, but it opened my mind to how

(17:49):
many things I had normalized based on what life in
the US is like. And so in Singapore it is
very common for grown adults to still be living with
their parents into their thirties, and to me, I feel
like in our society we see that as a negative
market like you're not doing right, you're not doing well,
but they're It was just like, why would you waste

(18:11):
money paying rent to somebody when you have family here
that you could be saving building have community, same with
like elders in that community. It was just like the
idea of putting your grandparents in a nursing home where
they are not with family was just like, why if
they have living family, why are they living with other people?

(18:32):
And that really opened my mind up to both collective
communal like spaces and thoughts, but also just all of
the ways that we keep ourselves from getting care from others,
because sometimes you need community care, not self care, and
it's hard to do that when you feel isolated. You're
somewhere in an apartment by yourself, afraid to reach out.
And that's very different from being surrounded by family or

(18:53):
friends or people who are constantly checking me in on you.
And that is just the culture is like, that's what
we do. We check in on one and other saying
with like Black culture, African cultures, like the idea of
a village raising a child. Now it's like parents are
doing everything by themselves with no real care. And we
could have a whole conversation about how much we throw
mothers to the wolves right after they bring a child

(19:14):
to come on to the world. And I just think
that that was a moment where I was just like,
why do we see it as like a negative If
you decide to be a part of a community that
is willing to care for you and you're caring for
them too, it goes both ways. So that's one. But
also CEP time is I think another example of this
because you know we joke about that, oh you know, yes,

(19:42):
colored people's time. But you know when you go to
black nations or even you know, they'll say island time
when you're in the Caribbean or whatever, and they'll remind you.
It's just like why are you rushing everywhere? Like sit down,
just pause for a second. And I was studying abroad somewhere,
and you know, you go out lunch and people are
at lunch for two and three hours. In the U s.

(20:04):
It's like, okay, I'm gonna fit you in for forty
five minutes, and that's like the best I can give you.
And it's like, but we're just getting into our conversation
by then, like why are you rushing everywhere? And it's
something that as a New Yorker, I'm just like, you know,
I want to be moving fast, and I feel like
anxious when I'm not feeling like I'm efficient. But it's
also like you, it's a trade off, you know, So yes,

(20:27):
I'm I'm more efficient by moving so fast, but what
am I losing by not getting to pause and really
build with this person or build with myself? True that
you're making me think about csts. You know, there are
cultures were America. Let's see Esther again. Okay, we want
to do something, let's see esther at all before we
can do it again. But I'm all for a good

(20:47):
see Esther. Hey, that's real. You gotta you gotta take
a pause. I love that real what you're saying about
that and how we assume that just because it's the
way we do it in the United States of America,
but because of our hegemonic nature of this country. Almost
everything in the world is based on what the United
States does. And that's the power. So it's it's it's

(21:10):
not just our economic power and our military power, it
is also the power that we have to shape realities.
Like we shape realities in this country. We shape the
macro realities and the micro realities. And right now we're
talking about more of the micro realities. But the notion that,
as you just said, we gotta rush everywhere. I can

(21:33):
only have fifteen minutes for lunch because I gotta get
back to work. And if you're lucky enough, maybe you
can't get forty five minutes to an hour. But there
are lots of people who work on jobs where they
get maybe two fifteen minute breaks in a thirty minute lunch,
and you eat lunch at your desk and you are
always feeling rushed because that is the indoctor nation, that's

(21:57):
the d n A of of our culture. That's how
we roll in the United States of America. Only to
find that the science is saying it. And then your
experience abroad and so many other people that I've talked
to who have gone abroad for a long time, not
just a vacation, but they really settled abroad for a
little while for you, they share the same stories that

(22:17):
you're sharing with us today. That life is different. And
when you talked about, you know, it being normal in
Singapore for someone to still be living at home with
their family or with their parents even well into their thirties,
that is frowned upon here as we were laying out
and don't let you be a man child and still
in the house with your parents. Oh lord, you know

(22:39):
that's the worst thing in the world. But the flip
side of that is, no, it really is not, especially
if you have the opportunity, as you said, to be
in community with your family in a deeper way and
to economically it's a tremendous help to not have to
just jump out there. You know who said that You're
grown at eighteen. That is just such a arbitrary number

(23:01):
that somebody picked it certainly wasn't the mama who said that,
because for mama, like I tell my son, you will
never be growner than me. And that's what my mama
told me, right, And that's true. I'm the mama forever, forever, ever, ever, ever, Yes,
I'm the mama. So so you know, just that part
of our at least some of the African holdovers to

(23:24):
our culture of being Black Americans is a beautiful thing.
And I think that memory, that muscle memory, although it
was disrupted and corrupted. Yeah, we can have a whole
another show about that how it was disrupted and corrupted.
There are flashes of that afrocentric worldview that is a
part of who we are and the passing down from

(23:46):
Big Mama to Big Mama to Big Mama and Big Daddy.
The Big Daddy helps us keep a little bit of
that imprint. Not enough, but we got a little bit
of that imprint, man, And I mean we can feel
that in ourselves. The like the war internally that's saying
like no rest is okay and and it doesn't mean
anything negative. And then the what I gotta be doing something.

(24:07):
I gotta be doing something. And that's why I love
to follow Tricia of the NAP Ministry because she talks
about that she feels like she was put on this
earth to encourage Black people to rest, to sit down
somewhere and lay down, and to really reconnect with who
we were before colonization told us anything about ourselves and
our productivity. And that's why I also say, like I

(24:29):
got to a place where I realized my ancestors. While
this dream was not for me to work myself into
a brave it was for me to rest in a
very real way, Like I think of that, like my
ancestors were enslaved in North Carolina and they were likely
picking cotton and to paco and other things of that nature,
working six days a week and sum up to sundown.

(24:49):
And they didn't dream of being on a Forbes list
or publishing X amount of books. They dreamt of rest, literally,
like I want to wake up and able to choose
what I do with my day, to have control over
what my children get to do with their day, and
to be able to have joy and have moments of
just like reprieve. And so if we can tap into that,

(25:12):
then we can reset what we see a success and say, look,
it doesn't mean that I don't want to accomplish certain
things in my career or for my community, but that's
not going to come at the expense of my wellness.
Because there is nothing more important than me being able
to live this life the way that I want to
live this life, and that autonomy is a big thing.

(25:34):
So resting autonomy goes so hand in hand. They do autonomy. Agency.
As you were talking the world, agency was coming to mine,
you know, going back to the notion of what it
means to be still, I remember my grandmother and hopefully
others who are joining us on this journey today on Hello,

(25:56):
somebody can relate to this. So my grandmother, you know,
most black grandmother's heil from the South because that is
where the overwhelming majority of Black Americans were because of enslavement.
We know this. When I was growing up, my grandmother
would force my siblings and I to sit down and

(26:17):
be still, and if it was thundering and lightening, she
would say, don't move. God is doing his business. Turn
off the TV, turn off the radio, don't move. God
is doing his business. Bria. I'm really feeling this right now.
I think in the spirit of this conversation, we should

(26:37):
take a moment just to be still. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

(27:09):
well I love that. Yeah, this country needs to be
set down. We need a grandmother to tell this whole
country it's quiet time, way to silent game. Everybody's sitting
down somewhere, don't touch nothing, don't move. Yeah, but it's
COVID was something like that, Bria. I've heard people talk
about COVID in that way that it required us to

(27:30):
slow down. Yes, I mean, and so I think that's
a perfect example too. Although what is so wrong about
this country is like it was a slowdown. We were
seeing so many people arounding us get sick, dealing with
long COVID or dying, and then this country is turning
around now and being like, y'all better get back to

(27:52):
work immediately. Why y'all wanted to stay remote? We need
y'all back in these offices. And people are really pushing
back and saying, like, have we not learned anything? We
kept talking about this new normal that we wanted, and
that was at the beginning of the pandemic, and I
think people just got tired because they thought it was
gonna be you know, and we're all exhausted from from COVID,
but it doesn't change the fact that, like we need

(28:15):
the stillness and even you know, one thing that I
saw was like some of the only positives come of
COVID was like with humans being still, nature was able
to thrive, like dolphins were coming back to season and
and parts of oceans that they hadn't been seen in
in years, and air was cleaning up and and all

(28:36):
of these things were happening because we had sat down
for a second. And I also think of that, It's like,
what would our relationship with this planet look like if
humans were not so focused on being productive all the
time that we are literally polluting and poisoning everything around
us to do what we do. So again, that could
be its own conversation, but I really do think the

(28:57):
stillness showed us what is possible when we do it.
But some people have just proven that their ability to
profit off of productivity comes before our stillness, and they
are willing to force us back into offices, force people
back to unsustainable levels of work output, and people are
pushing back. You know, people are unionizing in ways that

(29:20):
like we have never seen before. The Great Resignation has
been called. People are saying, I would rather quit and
figure something out then to work a job is gonna
send me into this early grave. Like I think people
are really putting their feet down as far as what
they're not willing to deal with anymore. That is a
beautiful thing in my mind. There's a spiritualist, one of

(29:42):
my dear friends is a spiritualist, and she has a
saying and it goes something like chaos is the reordering
of things. And so COVID was and still is very chaotic,
is very painful, but things are being reordered, and you

(30:03):
were just laying it down. They're being reordered. And as
much as the old order wants us to go back
to normal air quote normal was never good, people are
pushing back because things are being reordered, so it will
never be like quite like it was before COVID. Ever,
in anything that we do, I mean, COVID is gonna
be with us like the flu forever. As you laid out,

(30:26):
people are saying, oh no, I'm not going back to
work in this way. So you do see more hybrid
models now within companies because people are pushing back and
seeing I could be more productive if I don't have
to literally get into a vehicle or go and walk
to the bus stop or the rapid or the train
station to go god knows how many minutes or hours away,

(30:49):
depending on where you live. If you live in in
the heart of New York, you know, Manhattan, or you
live in a Chicago or a t L where traffic
is very heavy to the extension of taking years off
your life too. I mean, there are studies out there
about all the time that people spend in traffic and
how it is bad for their health. So if we

(31:12):
look at COVID, the reorder chaos that touches my soul.
Chaos is the reordering of things. I love that quote
so much. Yeah, and it's deep. It's deep. Chaos is
the reordering the things. And so we need to reorder.
So as we help people reorder and things that look
very chaotic and not just look they make things maybe chaotic.

(31:33):
Can we give people a few things that they can
do to find some positive reordering in moments they may
find themselves and throughout their lives. Yes, I mean one
of the biggest things is the idea that we don't
all work the same, Our brains don't operate the same.
We're not all productive at the same times, and I

(31:54):
think we're so stuck on this Monday through Friday nine
to five model that just doesn't work. Some people have
their best thinking early in the morning, but you get
into the evening and they're just like, Okay, my brain
is like done, it's overloaded. And some people work well
in the evenings and it's like, I'm not a morning first.
I think that level of flexibility is so important to

(32:15):
try and carve out for yourself. And I know that
not everyone works a job where that is possible, But
for those who are in conversations with their employers and
are considering what their new normal will look like, and too,
when you said the hybrid models, I think really again
getting some still moments with yourself and saying when do
I do my best work, how do I do my
best work, what conditions do I need to be successful,

(32:38):
and really positioning it to your teams in that way,
And and for those who are listening, who are the
employers who are in the positions of power really being
open to those conversations too, and not feeling like everybody
has to be online at the same exact time doing
work at the same exact time, but recognizing that there
shouldn't be any idea of normal because no two people

(32:58):
are the same. We don't operate the same way, and
to expect everyone to move that way is to treat
humans like machines and that's just not what we are.
I really think that we just need to be having
collective conversations about does it actually hurt me if we
did a four day work week? You know, I think
people are considering that people are considering like non financial

(33:19):
forms of benefits, of more PTO and more a parental leave,
and all of those conversations I think are really important
to have. And I think a lot of employees have
previously felt like if they were going to bring it up,
it was like, am I risking my job? But there
is such a strength in numbers and being able to
point towards the data and the research. And I'm even

(33:39):
gonna look up this study that you're mentioning, But there
are so many studies about the effect of stress or
certain work structures on us, both our wellness but also
on our productivity. And people have said, you know, countries
that switch to a four day work week are not
any less productive than countries that have a five day
work week, and when you present that data and you

(34:01):
can say the numbers are not lying and they are
going against everything that you believe is true here, I
think we can really get to something else. So that's
one that's a more macro thing. I think I'd be
remiss to not say unionized for those who are at
jobs where you have multiple coworkers unions because it is
a lot easier to have these conversations when you're not

(34:21):
going into the room by yourself and you have backups.
Say we actually all the talk and said that we
all want something different, and um, I think that everyone
should be considering that, especially if you have a team
of a significant size where you really do have the numbers.
And so we're seeing journalists and political campaigns and all

(34:42):
sorts of spaces who are unionizing and really able to
get at the very least the compensation for all the
hours they're putting in right now. But then you know,
really decided like sometimes it's like I don't really want
to be compensated for the work I'm doing now, because
I don't want to be doing the work I'm doing now.
I really need a better work life balance, and that
is a lot easier to do if you got back up.

(35:04):
So I definitely recommend people considering unionizing and just building
community with other people who are having these conversations. That's right.
And let me let us shout out in this moment,
since you brought up unionizing, Shout out to the Starbucks
workers from Cleveland, the Buffalo, to New York to all
over wherever y'all at. Shout out to you for standing

(35:25):
up and bringing folks in the room with you and
saying that you want to unionize. And absolutely shout out
and shout up to our Amazon sisters and brothers and
family and friends. That's some Alabama baby. We see you,
We see you because they started it best. Sumer really
started this flow for workers and Amazon. And just know

(35:47):
that there's so many people with you. The fact that
you mentioned that as a part of ultimate self care
unionizing people might not lessarily seen it that way. So
I'm so glad you brought unionizing into this space. What else,
any any other recommendations for people I'm thinking about? You
talked about therapy. Sometimes therapy is frowned a pot depending
on what culture you come from, and especially if you

(36:09):
are a man. I think from most cultures because again,
the eurocentric worldview has poisoned far too many cultures and movements.
But therapy, I mean, it's nothing wrong with it, right,
nothing wrong with it. I think it's so important. And
even before therapy, maybe another recommendation is, you know, there's
the memes that go around that's always check on your

(36:30):
strong friend. Everybody is the strong friend that needs to
be checked on. I think that is a big, big thing.
Is like, I think we all believe that we are
the only ones going through what we're going through, and
we don't take the time to really check in with
our people about the layers of stress that they're dealing with.
And so I believe that everyone should be doing their
own individual work, but we also should be taking care

(36:53):
of one another. And that goes back to the communal
mindset of yes, I'm going to be a little selfish
and take care of myself, but I'm also gonna look
to the left and right of me and make sure
that people that I love, the people that I work with,
people I go to church with, are also taking care
of themselves and bring those conversations into their like what
does it mean for clergy from their pulpits to really
be talking about self care in these moments. What does

(37:15):
it mean for educators to be taking time with their students,
you know? And I think that's everybody is under so
much pressure right now. And the second to ask how
are you and really care about the answer and express
the care about the answer, like no, really, how are you?
I think it's so big and it doesn't need to
be that I'm texting you every single day or every

(37:36):
single week, but that check in periodically could mean so
much for people. And I'm to get to a really
um sad point. We've seen people who we would never
have expected who are dying by suicide and and miss
Chesty Christ and you know, so many visible people and
all of you know people who are just saying, oh
my gosh, but I just worked with that person. I

(37:57):
just collaborated with that person and never saw it coming in.
There's no blame, obviously, you know people are going through
what they're going through. But I also think of how
we can learn from those moments and just check in
with one another more and just make sure people don't
feel alone in what they're navigating. So true and other

(38:17):
things that people can do. The Manny Petty is real
you know, that's that's therapy. The masseus is real. So
these are non medical but like spiritual kind of things
that people can do to help them center themselves, because
it is the time you should be in your mind,

(38:38):
focusing mainly on you and those things and taking vacations.
And that's why I'm such a big proponent of people
having a living wage and living a good life because
some of the remedies that we are discussing that costs money.
People have to have disposable income to be able to
partake in these things. And so there's value, intrinsic value

(39:01):
in every life. And I just don't believe that poor
people should have to work their fingers to the bone
every single flipping day of the week and have two
and three jobs and never be able to enjoy the
fruits of their labor because they're working so hard just
to survive. There is something wrong with that, the whole
notion of the working poor, those two words should not

(39:24):
go together. That in and of itself is wrong. So
advocacy for people to live a good life, and that
is a multifaceted, multilayer thing. It's a multilayered reality. Living
a good life doesn't mean just bringing in all the money.
It means part of it means your spiritual well being,
your physical well being, your mental well being, your communal

(39:46):
well being, your relationship well being all the way around,
and my God, being able to afford to take a
vacation every now and then, even if you can't go
to the most exotic place. But some people can't afford
to go to the next state over right, right, And
that's why we say bread and roses, you know, that's
like where that comes from is, Yes, we want to

(40:06):
meet people's needs. People need to have housing, people need
to have food on the table, people to have clothes
on their backs. But do we not deserve to? Like,
what are we doing it for? If I can't smell
the roses and enjoy this life too? And I just
think of how many people literally are working forty plus
sixty plus hours a week and never get something or
get criticized the moment they do something for them. So, oh, well,

(40:29):
if you really broke why you got my course back.
I can't have a purse. I worked hard enough to
have a purse, really, that's what you're telling me. I
have a worked hard enough to go to Atlantic City like,
come on, like, what are we doing it for if
not to be able to see all of these beautiful things.
And I just think that we have we have normalized,
you know, get back to normal life. We have normalized

(40:50):
the idea that you have to be a certain wealth
bracket to enjoy beaches, beautiful sights and a matinee movie
and going to see a Broadway show. And I just
love all of the initiatives where people are saying, like, no,
you should be able to do that. It's something I
love about my own parents too, because we grew up
working class, and my mom one thing about her we're
going on a cruise. We're going on a crew. And

(41:12):
looking back, there were moments when I asked, like, you know,
we could have done some other things with that money,
but in a serious note, she wanted us to know
that we deserved that, Like you deserve to be able
to see these sites just as much as anybody else does.
And us being a little tight this month does not
mean that you don't deserve to see beautiful things, to
eat beautiful things, to enjoy things that make you happy.

(41:35):
And for some of us that's traveled for you, that
might be again having a monthly massage or going to
the movies every week. It doesn't have to be too crazy,
but it does require that disposable income. And and so
often people are spending all of their money on rent
and childcare that when it's time for them to do
something for themselves, they've got since coins spare change to

(41:58):
do that. And it's not right. And you know, we
deserve to have the luxuries. You know, you deserve nice things.
And all of that feeds into your ability to be
a good mom, if your mom to be a good
human being, if you know you don't have to have
children to be a good dad, if your dad to
be a good man or woman, to be a good
family member. All of those things are interconnected. We always

(42:21):
talk about intersectionality, but what and when it comes to
self care, it's not just about racial or gender or
sexual orientation or religion intersectionality in the way that we
think about it in a social construct. It is also
the intersectionality of your self with yourself in relation to
all of those titles and all of the things that

(42:43):
you have to do. And men were talking to YouTube
now sistems were lifting you up. But we're talking about
the brothers too. Because if people are good with themselves, baby,
they will be better with the world. It reminds me
of a scripture in the Christian Bible where Jesus, you know,
the question, will us what is the greatest commandment? You know,
they were trying to trip him up. Them, them, them

(43:04):
fancy titled folks, was trying to trip Jesus up. And
he said, to love the Lord, thy God with all
their heart, mind, soul, and spirit. And I might be
adding a little on to that, So forgive the turnerism
in there, but to love thy neighbor as thyself. Now
the key word is, you can't love your neighbor if

(43:26):
you don't love yourself. You see how Jesus flipped that thing.
A second, Come on, you can't love your neighbor if
you don't love yourself. You see how Jesus flip that
thing on them. It's like y'all, y'all got to wake
up real early to get it off. On Jesus, he
let them know, Oh no, to love the Lord. I
got because he was talking to them horty, torty religious
folks and fair seasons sat to see. They thought they

(43:47):
had them, they thought they had them courted. He said, oh, no, baby,
to love the Lord thy God with all the heart, mind,
soul and spirit, and to love thy neighbor as thyself
who and so even deeven that if we loved our
neighbor as much as we loved ourselves, how much of
our social ills would go away? Like how much of

(44:10):
you know? We have mothers who are dealing with postpartum stress,
and if they were being cared for, would their children
be better kids? We have domestic violence victims who are
empathizing with their abusers because they're like, well, I know
that this person is economically strapped right now, and so
they're just stressed and they're taking it out on me.
But like, what if we cared for one another and

(44:31):
and loved ourselves and loved our neighbors in a real way,
and then that addressed homelessness, and that addressed theft, and
that addressed gun violence. But we don't want to think
of it like that. We just want to outsource it
to police and tell them to deal with it after
it's already happened. But I really think of like if
we really loved our neighbor and really loved ourselves, Like

(44:54):
there are just so many things that would become non
factors in our society. And we've seen that in other societies.
We've seen that in lots of European societies where the
taxes are high, but the quality of life is also high.
And so there are just certain things that are just
like mind blowing to them. Mass shootings, Why would someone
do that. I can't even fathom why someone is that

(45:15):
angry at the world and at their community. And and
there's just such a lack of love in our politics
as a lack of love and how we treat one another,
and it really shows and everything. So I mean, I
think for some people that feels like, you know, she's
dragging it. But I really like, if we really loved
one another, for real, for real, safer community, we would

(45:37):
be happier again, we'd work better with one another, we'd
enjoy what we do, like, everything would be different. And
maybe some people, you know, maybe Jeff Bezos would be
a little less rich. Hello, I wanted to do that. Hello, harmonious,
Now you're hitting on another thing, so we gotta have
you back. You can't have harmony and justice in the

(45:59):
world where you got so few people who have so
much right, so few who have so much, and so
many who have too little. That is out of harmony.
That's not how it's supposed to go. Some of the

(46:19):
things that we name they cost money. Can we talk
a little bit about self care ideas for people who
can't afford to spend any money at this particular stage
in their lives. We want to, We want them to
get there where they can spend a whole lot. But
for now, if they're really tight on money, what are
some of the things that they could do for some

(46:40):
me time? My favorite is getting out in nature. I
think being surrounded by nature is so grounding, especially if
you are willing, like take the shoes off, put your
feet on some grass, like for real, Like it is
so grounding to be surrounded by the fresh air, by
real greenery, not some last shrubs in a corner, like

(47:01):
real greenery. I think that's a big one. It's like
find your nearest park, your nearest hiking trail, and like
getting to that space and going on, even if it's
like a fifteen minute walk or something, it is so
grounding and calming to be surrounded. And I think being
surrounded again to to go into spirituality, being surrounded by

(47:22):
something that feels bigger than me, something that feels like
awe inspiring and it's just like my God created this
and also created me, and I deserve to exist in
peace and in harmony and enjoy and in love. I
think it can really bring up all of those feelings
for people. So that is like my biggest, biggest one.
But also I think everybody has different things. Some people

(47:43):
are like I'm in nature and I'm sneezing a lot
and there's bugs. That's not really my thing. But like
finding again the stillness is like finding that moment um
and meditation can be a beautiful way to tap into
stillness of just like closing your eyes, and I think
sometimes we make it more difficult than of it. It's
just closing your eyes and just letting thoughts come and
leave and just seeing what sticks. And that will also

(48:07):
open up what you enjoy. If what you enjoy is
asking the nearest family member or friend to you to
give you a little shoulder rug because you carry your
stressing your shoulders, if that is hugs, you know. I
think that's the biggest thing that I noticed during COVID
is like I miss and like real hugs, like details

(48:30):
like whatever that is. Sometimes your self care will require
other people, and that's why we get into the communal
and and being willing to ask people for what you need.
So those are two for me. And I'm curious what's
yours though that doesn't cost money, because I love myself
a good massage, I was gonna put it out there.

(48:52):
Meditation definitely, certainly because of COVID got deeper in to that.
Reading a scripture, you know, So whatever spiritual tradition you follow,
if you follow one for me, reading a scripture or
listening to a good song, oh my god, your playlist,
you know, and just get in the living room or wherever,
whatever space you have and just go to town listening

(49:15):
to your favorite tunes and just yeah, get get into
it that way. I love getting poetry, you know, if
you got a good poet, a good read. You were
talking about that. When you go to eat a meal,
if you're by yourself, you'll bring a good book. And
people can be at home and make themselves a nice meal.

(49:36):
It could be simple and just cuddle up with a
good book. Oh my god, those things. I know. Our
producer she loves to lather the lotion on her feet,
that's what she said, and all in the scout before bed. Yes, yes,
for me to sleep. I missed my mother. You know
when sim mentioned that, I was thinking about my mom.

(49:58):
You know when she used to plack that air growing
up and putting that oil, putting that that oil in
between the parts. I was like, oh, like, you don't
want him to stop. Don't stop right, just do it again.
Do it again, Mama, do it again in the nap.
When you get a free moment, I mean for the parents,

(50:18):
that might be a little bit more difficult, but like
when you get that random thirty minute nap for our
nap when you weren't planning on it, you wake up
feeling like it's the best person. I love that. Also,
I had a friend who heard thing was and she
had a bunch of calls back to back to back
for work. She'd schedule in like a five minute dance
break and literally like play her jam, like her song,

(50:40):
whatever that song is, and just like dance like nobody's watching,
in the comfort of your home. And even that can
just be like getting your heartbeat going and you're listening
to your song and you're being silly, you're laughing, good
laugh when I laugh in my belly hurts. I'm like, oh, yeah,
laugh until you cry because that's a good laugh, right there. Baby,

(51:03):
you can't stop and you just can't stop you rolling.
So yeah, watching comedy. We didn't think about that. But yeah,
if there's a favorite show you have, even if it's
not comedy, but whatever takes you to a happy place
that lifts you, that is edifying. You should do that.
But part of being able to do that, Breed, we
gotta go back to how we started is you got

(51:24):
to know your why. You gotta get with yourself. You
gotta know what brings you joy. And if that which
brings you joy doesn't impede on anybody else, I'm sorry,
we gotta put that out there, Breed, because some folks
were like, what brings you joy shouldn't bring anybody else pain.
But if what brings you joy doesn't doesn't harm anybody else,

(51:46):
but it only edifies you, baby, you need to do
that thing. This was absolutely fantastic. I want to go
back how we started with the one and only all
Your Lord, a feminist and a civil rights lead. She said,
self care is not self indulgence, it is self preservation.

(52:07):
Come on, let's self preserved, baby, let's do that. Where
can people find you, darling? And if they're looking for you,
where can they find you? Yes, well, if you're looking,
you can find me for sure. On Instagram, I'm at
Freckled while Black Freckled Wild, Black mind people, black people,
Yes they do. I'm on Twitter, but I'm private there,

(52:30):
you know, at Brial Underscore Baker. I like to get
my real hot takes there, but you know you can
find me. You can find me and then my website
Brian Baker dot com. But I'm looking forward to connecting
to people. And one of the conversations I would point
people to is if you're coming into this one and
you didn't hear the first one, you can really find
me in our first conversation on Hello somebody, you better
say that Hello somebody because everybody is somebody. Frea Baker.

(52:54):
Nothing but love for you, baby, nothing but love for
you to turn a little ward Mary story, very thing
that's w somebody else and then turn and leave it.
I don't about somebody turning. Universe has given us tell

(53:18):
somebody in turn times week high. Yeah, change is coming.
The pain is nothing. Trying to shoot for the stars.
If you're gonna ain't for something embrace the love for
your brother and sister. You need these the mission brush.
We need to puzzle this pictures painted up, framing it
up for the world to see. Ain't to hate it up.

(53:38):
Enough is enough, It's enough, making changes enough in turn
of a voice of the truth to wise worlds, inspire
the youth to keep their eyes on the roof. It's
the end. Never give up, keep conquering goals to the eye. Intelligence, silver,
wisdom is gold. Back to the end. Now is it time?
Stay firm, don't fold to the a or you need
is the three bones. That's what Randy said. Now I'm

(53:59):
gonna make sure these hers from Randie spray for all
the here to give it your She can take you
to the promised man. I swear world pieces what they fear,
from Queen's to Cleveland on, how yo were here? Famous? Famous?
Maybe turn up any quality and somebody you need to
turn up spanning somebody Ship, turn up Hello, somebody you

(54:28):
need to turn up more times one of those one
great more Hello Somebody is a production of I Heart
Radio and the Black Effect Network. For more podcast from

(54:52):
our Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows,