The Surprising Power of Compliments

We revisit this episode in which psychotherapist Lindsay Liben tells why compliments not only make others feel good—they can also raise your own happiness level.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to this episode of Here's Something Good, a production
of the Seneca Women Podcast Network and I Heart Radio.
Each day, we aspire to bring you the good news,
the silver lining, the glass half full, because there is
good happening in the world everywhere, every day, we just
need to look for and share it. Here's something Good

(00:27):
for today. After a year of COVID, many of us
are finding that our social skills are a little rusty.
We're finally getting more opportunities to meet others, but we've
lost some of the social niceties and techniques that make
human connection so meaningful. The good news is there's a
simple thing you can do to rebuild your social muscle

(00:47):
and to raise your level of happiness. The answer is compliments.
There's power in giving them and getting them to learn more.
We talked to Lindsay liban psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker.
Here's what she had to say. Lindsey, thanks so much
for joining us, Thank you so much for having me.
So let me start by asking why our compliments so

(01:10):
important in our lives and why are they so important
right now? Compliments allow us to connect with the people
around us and really bring people together in a lot
of different ways, and I find it's a really easy
and disarming way of forming a connection. And it's especially
great because you can use it if you're just meeting
someone as an icebreaker, or if you already know them,

(01:31):
you can use it to deepen the relationship. I find
you know this episode is really coming at such an
important time because after a year of being told to
isolate and keep our distance, we're experiencing a social inflection point.
And I think a lot of people are finding that
as immunity grows and we're unmasking, we're now faced with
the possibility of returning to in person contact. And what

(01:54):
that might be exciting, it can also be intimidating and
leave us feeling unprepared. Actually, the maror In Psychological Association
just released to study that said about half of people
surveyed were actively worried about adjusting to in person interactions.
So I think to the audience, if you're having a
little bit of social anxiety, please know that you're not alone.

(02:15):
I think it's important to acknowledge that after a year
without regular practice of socialization, your social skills will start
to weaken and interactions might not be as dynamic or
as electric as we'd like them to be. And when
these skills, they're sort of like muscles, they need to
be worked and conditioned to be strong when you call

(02:36):
upon them. It's almost like if you signed up to
run a ten k race but you didn't have the
opportunity to train. Of course you'd be feeling uncomfortable because
you're out of practice. So I find instead of just
accepting the discomfort and anxiety, one of the best ways
to alleviate it is to give yourself options. And that's
where the compliment comes into play, because it's one of
the strongest and most versatile tools in the well being

(03:00):
rulebox to help you navigate social exchanges. That's great, before
we get into the specifics of compliments, what are the
positive effects of giving them and receiving them? So when
you give and receive compliments, it's actually not just about
making the others feel good. It directly improves your levels
of happiness in your own relationships. There's actually a really

(03:22):
good article from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
that concludes that when you express appreciation for your partner,
both people become more responsive to each other's needs. It
allows you to work through the hard times a little
more effectively. And I think we can all use a
little more happiness and resilience and meaningful engagement in our lives.

(03:44):
And I understand you have a specific technique for giving compliments.
What is that I do. It's called the SAGE approach
s a g E. And it stands for specific, authentic,
grateful and empowering. And how does that work? So it
works by starting off to make your compliments sincere. I

(04:07):
encourage people to zone in on a specific task or
quality or attribute that they admire in another person. I
really encourage you to keep it simple, really skip the hyperbole.
Over the top planes tend to discredit the compliment. So
for example, when you hear people say, oh, my goodness,
that's the best thing I ever ate, well, you probably

(04:29):
know it's not the best thing they ever, so don't
undermine yourself. This leads me to the next part, which
is authenticity. After you have a focus, try to weave
in a personal connection, express the compliment from your heart,
and use strong eye contact if you can, really just
try to be as authentic as you can. It doesn't
matter if it's the highest praise someone has ever received.

(04:53):
If it's sincere, it will have a much greater impact.
The G in SAGE stands for gratitude, and this one
of my favorite parts because it allows you to reflect
on the goodness in your own life and then express
the appreciation for these gifts. It's one of the most
valuable parts of a compliment because it can also allow
you to deepen your connection with the receiver. There's a

(05:15):
lot of research that's out there that connects gratitude with
higher levels of happiness and resilience and meaningful connection. So
now you have a double win because as you start
to feel more connected and comfortable, the positivity bubbles over
into other areas of your life, and that actually leads
me to the E which is for empowering. And this
last bit of advice is to direct your compliment towards

(05:37):
empowering actions. I encourage people to celebrate the confidence boosting behaviors,
like if someone did an awesome jobs spearheading a presentation
or modeling, courage reflect that back to them because when
someone exposes a vulnerability, they're more receptive to authentic positive responses.
So if you feel moved, share it. I also really

(05:59):
just encourage giving sage compliments whenever the opportunity strikes make
the morning of the person who brood your lante, you know,
or if you catch the eye of an unassuming bystander
who seems out their head in the clouds. The more
opportunities you have to practice, the more natural it will feel.
And then when you find yourself in that really important opportunity,

(06:21):
your skills will be ready and your emotions will be
all warmed up. That was incredibly helpful, and I have
to compliment Lindsay for her advice. So here's something good
for today. As we start to emerge from our COVID
cocoons and reconnect with other people, now is the time
to discover the incredible power of compliments. Compliments, it turns out,

(06:42):
not only make others feel good, they can also raise
your own happiness level and strengthen your relationships. Lindsay has
a memorable technique for giving effective compliments. Her four key
elements are sincerity, authenticity, gratitude, and empowerment. And as Lindsay says,
the best way to get good at giving compliments is

(07:02):
to do them often. In other words, never miss an
opportunity to say something nice, thank you for listening, and
please share today's something good with others. In your life.

(07:23):
This is Kim Azzarelli, co author of Fast Forward and
co founder of Seneca Women. To learn more about Seneca Women,
go to Seneca Women dot com or download the Seneca
Women app free in the app Store. Here's Something Good
is a production of the Seneca Women podcast network and
I Heart Radio Have a Great Day. For more podcasts

(07:48):
from my heart Radio, check out the i Heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.