How to Tell If You’re Still in Love with Your Partner

Does love really disappear…or does it turn into something else? Dr. Saltz advises a listener who wonders if it’s possible to rekindle the romantic infatuation of her marriage’s early days.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Over the years, I
have seen many a person who comes into my office
distressed about the state of their relationship and wondering whether
they can stay in it, with the primary complaint being
I love my partner, but I am no longer in

(00:48):
love with my partner. Often enough, they have been married
for some time and the thrilling, excited, and consumed state
of love they felt has given way to a day
today more ho hum, I see all your faults and
they annoy me. State of loving you anyway? But hey,

(01:11):
is this all there is? Today? I'm answering a listener's
question who is asking whether this is a sign that
their marriage is over. The excitement and wonder of early love,
of mutual discovery, of delighting in fantasies and anticipating sharing

(01:32):
so much in the years ahead is a memorable phase
in a couple's life together. Initial love and the newness
of love causes the release of the neurochemical dopamine. This
neurotransmitter is involved with reward neurocircuitry and makes the person
feel not only excited, but kind of like a high

(01:57):
that they feel desperate to repeat. It is the same
neurocircuitry involved in gambling and sex, but specifically it is
the newness that often most sparks the high level of
arousal and excitement. Over time and this aspect of neurocircuitry
is involved, and hence the feeling states can be diminished

(02:19):
into something else Over time. The phase passes as jobs, bills, children, conflicts,
aging parents, and other realities of long term love begin
to push the fantasies of a perfect love, a perfect time,
a perfect partner aside. It's hard to harbor glamorous illusions

(02:43):
close up over time. While some view this relationship transition
with dismay and wonder if it means that love is
over and the time has come to move on, others
view it positively, for after the fantasies and illusions begin
to fall away, it's possible that what comes into focus

(03:05):
is something much better, a realistic and sustainable love. It
is a cause not to be sad, but for celebration.
In fact, often reality is easier to live with long
term then lovely fantasies and lofty expectations. It's seeing and

(03:26):
accepting who each of you really are and finding comfort
in the true intimacy that comes from being accepted words
and all. When you're first in love, you may be
focusing on an idealized version of a person. There can
be a lot of truth in your view of your beloved,
but there can be a good amount of hope and

(03:49):
fantasy too. In growing to love the real person and
accepting who they are, both their strengths and their weaknesses,
you can help your relationship to become a lasting source
of comfort and a safe place emotionally and real joy.

(04:09):
Because you see each other realistically and come to know
each other very well, you're less likely to disappoint each other.
There can be a lot of pressure initially to be
continually attentive and cheerful and witty, but as you relax
into a relationship and accept each other and the real
each other, there is a greater chance of those times

(04:31):
when you aren't so witty when you're kind of cranky actually,
or when you disagree, but those things don't have to
be deal breakers. When you're in love, you tend to
be on your best behavior and expect your loved one
to do the same thing. But when you're in a
loving relationship, you know that there will be times when

(04:53):
life together is not so fun. That your partner has
their faults as well as their strengths, and you can
embrace and accept them during the challenging times as well
as the happy times. When you let go of trying
to fulfill a fantasy trying to change your partner into
someone you hope they would be. When you accept that

(05:15):
they're imperfect and that some days will be better than
other days, you're less likely to be disappointed and more
likely to live comfortably because letting go of old fantasies
makes room for wonderful surprises. When you stop trying to
change the other person or to yourself fit the fantasy

(05:36):
of the other person, and just love each other, then
you can encourage each other to grow in ways that
fit each of you, and good surprises can be in store.
Because a lasting love thrives on intimate friendship. Rather than idealization.
It's good to have a friend who knows you so

(05:57):
well and who likes you anyway, and who loves you forever,
and to be that kind of loving friend to another person.
So with that, let's turn to my listeners question and ask,
how can I help, dear doctor Souls. I have been

(06:18):
married for six years and I love my husband. We
are great friends and co parents. But I miss feeling
what I did for the first year or even two
of our marriage, which was more in love. I feel
like it's kind of boring, and I don't feel as
passionately and as consumed about him. It's made me start

(06:41):
to wonder we have a problem. Can couples stay in love?
Is this something I could regain with my husband? And
if so, how and does this mean we actually do
have a problem? Can couples stay in love? The ailing
you are describing is more what I would call infatuation,

(07:05):
And the answer is yes, but probably not twenty four
hours a day, three hundred sixty five days a year,
for year upon year. Infatuation does ebb, and it can
be rekindled, and love, unlike infatuation, can definitely remain. But

(07:26):
do you have a problem I would say it depends
how intent do you feel about having to be in
a constant state of infatuation, How satisfied can you be
with love? And how hard are you willing to work
for rekindling infatuation? Being great friends and great co parents

(07:51):
is a lot. Do not sell this short, as it
contributes to great love. I would argue for a long
term health relationship, this matters more than infatuation. So I
would not identify your current situation as a problem, but
I would say that you're implying missing some excitement and

(08:14):
perhaps even some sexual chemistry in your current state, and
these are things that you can make efforts to inject
back in. Here are two suggestions to try on your own.
One is when you first met and got together, you
had that infatuation. So now spend some time pulling out

(08:38):
old pictures of your time dating and even your wedding album,
and go over together all those photos and the amazing
times you had and think about them and talk to
each other about them. Because in telling those stories what
about him made him irresistible to you? You will remind

(08:59):
yourself and recoup those feelings, those over the top romantic
feelings that you had By stimulating these memories and reminding
yourself why and for whom you fell in love in
the first place, you can rekindle that same romantic high. Next,

(09:19):
I would suggest planning some fun and new play with
your guide. Take a bit of time for just the
two of you, not the kids, to do something fun
together that you've never done before. Those are the key
ingredients that could be a place you go or an
activity you do. The point is a new exploration done

(09:44):
by the two of you. Newness increases excitement, and doing
it together can increase your arousal for each other. So
do a few of these adventures to tight trade up
some of the heat. Sometimes it can be helpful even
if you're not in trouble to try some counseling together

(10:06):
to facilitate talk that can draw you closer and also
increase the in love feeling you see. I hope that
was helpful. I'll be back in a moment with a
further discussion on being in love. Back with a few

(10:31):
more thoughts. Being in love generally refers to those intense
feelings that take over at the start of a relationship.
These include infatuation, exuberant happiness, excitement, and nervousness and sexual
attraction and lust, so you feel charged and youphoric around

(10:56):
the other person. It may not seem like it, but
being a love is a somewhat scientific process. It involves
a lot of hormones which can supercharge your feelings and
make them, in addition, wildly fluctuate. So when you're around
the person you love, you have an increase in dopamine
and nora benefrin, which are the neurotransmitters that lead to

(11:19):
the feelings of pleasure and giddiness and nervous excitement and
even euphoria, and you have a decrease in serotonin, which
fuels the feeling of infatuation and even sex. Hormones like
testosterone and estrogen play a part in boosting libido and
leading to the feelings of lust. Key hormones like oxytocin

(11:41):
and vasopressin are also affected, and those will cement your
attraction by promoting trust and empathy, and these are factors
of long term attachment. The result is you can't wait
to see them again even when they've just left, So
even after spending all of your day with this person,

(12:04):
you still feel lonely when they leave for two minutes
you wonder what they're doing and whether they're thinking about you.
Maybe you already have plans to meet the next day,
but you still wonder how you'll manage until you see
them again. This is common when you're falling in love,
and while it's certainly healthy to spend some time away

(12:26):
from each other, it doesn't mean you're going to be
happy doing it If you can't stop thinking about them,
even when you're a part, you're most likely enjoying that agonizing,
blissful feeling of being in love, and so as a
result of this, everything everything feels exciting and new, and

(12:46):
that's the other thing that's hard for people to give up,
because even when it seems like there's no time, you
find time and make time for them. Typically, being in
love means you want spend as much time as possible
with them. Even if you're busy, you're probably rearranging your
schedule to see them. This might also involve a desire

(13:09):
to get to know more about them by finding out
all about their interests, and when it's mutual, they want
to find about all of yours. This is pretty normal.
It's also common, though, to forget about other people in
your life as a result, your friends, your family, other
important things going on. So I do say to people, hey,

(13:33):
it's great you're falling in love, but please do remember
to keep up with friends and with family. You might
find you don't mind making sacrifices for them. You're completely dedicated.
You're ready to do anything and everything to help them
no matter what's going on. And while empathy and your

(13:53):
attachment can fuel your desire to be there for them
and help them whenever possible, you're hormones can override your
ability to make decisions that may be healthiest for you.
So when you feel the urge because you're falling in
love to maybe uproot your life, or change something completely,

(14:14):
or give up on a job, really take some time
to think it through. If after really thinking about it,
you still want to do those things, just make sure
you're also doing it for yourself and not just them.
Because while sacrifices can be part of any love, partners

(14:35):
need to work to accommodate both people's needs to have
a stronger bond and to last. Being in love often
also means that you're having fantastic sex. Sex doesn't have
to be part of a romantic relationship, but when it is,
it often does play a big part in the falling
in love element. The intensity of the hormones can affect

(14:59):
your X drive, increasing your desire for your partner and
the passion that you experience when you're having sex with them.
When you first fall in love, sex can also help
increase your closeness, and that great sexual chemistry that you're
having adds to your desire to keep having it. Over time,

(15:21):
maybe you're going to have less and that may drop somewhat,
but you can also, as I mentioned earlier, rekindle that
one important thing to think about is that when you
do first fall in love, the tendency is to idealize
that person. You may only see their best traits. They're

(15:42):
such a great listener, you love their music, you love
their warm smile, and you may forget and gloss over
anything that isn't working out or you don't want to see,
like they don't text you back right away, maybe they
flirt with your friends. It's normal to focus on someone's
best side when you're falling in love, but it is

(16:03):
important to watch out for those red flags that could
show a later incompatibility in this relationship. So, for example,
if your friends do point something out, listen, consider what
they're saying. They aren't in love with that person, so
they have a clearer perspective, and they may notice things

(16:23):
that you don't. It's important that the good outweighs the
bad when it comes to falling in love. But it's
just as important that you aren't blind to the bad
because you can only see the good. Love takes a
lot of forms, and it can change over time, and
your feelings may change when you love your partner but

(16:44):
don't necessarily feel in love with them. What's wonderful about
when you do feel love but maybe less of the
in love, is that you become more secure in their affection.
When you first fall in love, might not only idealize
your partner, but also want to present an idealized version

(17:05):
of yourself. You might, for example, always try to look
your best or try to hide what you believe our
flaws that might turn that partner off. But over time,
with the strengthening of a relationship, people become more at
ease at being themselves. You don't have to worry they'll
dump you if you leave dishes in the sink or

(17:26):
don't take out the garbage. You accept that both of
you will always wake up with morning breath. This doesn't
mean you don't make an effort to maintain the affection
you feel and help it flourish. It means you've switched
over to a more realistic view instead of just this
idealized one, and that allows you to offer up more

(17:48):
of your own opinions. It's easy to take on the
opinions of your partner when you're busy falling in love,
and you might not even be aware of this, but
you can find it easier to open up and share
your true feelings with a partner that you love and
have confidence that you're comfortable with. Love conveys a sense

(18:09):
of security, so you don't have to hide your feelings.
Even when you have a disagreement, you will know that
you can talk it through, and you will see and
accept the good with the less than good. Your partner,
like you, is imperfect. They have good traits, which maybe

(18:29):
is what made you fall in love with them in
the first place, but they probably have some aspects of
personality or habits that aren't so great, even the things
that might seem endearing when you first fall in love,
like oh, it's so cute the way they rush their
teeth at the sink may become something you go, oh,
it's actually not as cute as I remembered. Loving someone

(18:53):
requires you to see them wholly and accept all of
their parts, just as they see and accept all of you,
and over the long term, those minor flaws matter less.
But what something does bother you, you'll be able more
comfortably to speak up about it and work to encourage
and support each other through personal growth. Now, of course,

(19:16):
if the changes have to do with any signs of abuse,
emotional or physical, then that is not okay, and one
should always reach out to a professional if that is
the case. But with love, intimacy requires more effort. It's
easy to fall wildly in love and it's easy to

(19:38):
be like I want to have sex all the time,
But when your relationship stabilizes, it may be with less intensity,
and so you may need to make more of an effort.
Often this only means that demands of life had made
it necessary for you to plan time with your partner,

(19:58):
plan when sex might happen, and follow through. It means
the relationship might take more work. Because it's easy to
give it your all when your head over heels and love,
but the relationship might need over time for you to
make more of an effort. Spending time together might seem
less natural and easy when you're busy or you're tired,

(20:23):
but love means that you keep trying and you make
an effort to show your care. Loving someone can involve
a sense of strong connection and trust. You know your
partner well enough to rattle off their likes and dislikes,
their values and their strengths, and they're probably the first
person that you turn to when you are feeling down

(20:44):
and who you want to share your successes and your
aspirations with. Because you're a team. Sometimes you could even
feel like a single unit. So with love and in
love is one better than the other. You know you
love your partner, but you think you may not be
in love with them any longer. The truth is that's

(21:08):
perfectly all right. In fact, you might even be a
little bit relieved to know that your hormones have settled
down that this is longer lasting. Some people really prefer
the excitement of being in love, but others do prefer
the intimate, deep connection associated with long term love, and

(21:30):
many people work toward long term relationships for this very reason.
What you want out of a relationship may make one
seem better than the other, but healthy relationships are possible
with either. No longer feeling in love doesn't mean you
have to leave your partner or that your relationship is

(21:50):
doomed to end. It just means you may need to
put in a little extra effort to recharge things. Do
you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet? How can I help? At Seneca women
dot com, Paull centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.

(22:10):
How can I help with me? Doctor Gale's Salts