The Emotional Affair: Is It Still Considered Cheating if There’s No Sex?

When an office friendship turns into long lunches and longer phone calls, there’s something going on. But is it really cheating if there’s no physical component? Dr. Saltz helps a listener get honest with herself.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Evelyn knew that something
was missing in her marriage. She and Robert used to
be passionate about each other. They used to have fun,
laugh and she felt very connected to him. But twelve
years into their marriage and two children later, she felt removed.

(00:50):
They bickered over little things. Robert Never asked her about
work or what she was worrying about or what she
felt like doing. Evelyn no longer felt a tracted to
Robert and very rarely spent any time alone together. Instead,
she threw her energy into raising the children and doing
well at work as a paralegal. She generally liked her work,

(01:13):
though it could get tedious and her boss was a
tough woman who was often critical and unsupportive. Life had
become a bland, depressing and more empty existence. And then
there was todd. Todd had been at the firm longer
than Evelyn and had showed her the ropes. They discussed

(01:34):
complicated cases with enthusiasm, and Evelyn really found todd's passion
about the work exciting and engaging. They would grab coffee together,
and soon coffee became lunch and lunch became phone calls
and emails and texts. The discussions, which had been all
work related, slid into discussions of what they think about life,

(01:58):
what they like about each other there and what they
don't like about their spouses. Evelyn thought about todd all
the time now, and it felt wonderful. She hadn't felt
this alive since she and Robert had started dating. While
she recognized the feelings of a crush, the excitement about
seeing him, the pleasure in his jokes, the relief in

(02:22):
confiding in someone who really understood her, Evelyn told herself
there was nothing wrong with what she was doing because,
after all, they were friends and they weren't having any sex. Robert, however,
started to notice his wife's coming home later because of
more quote business dinners. He also noticed her on the

(02:43):
cell phone on the weekends and her being evasive about
who she was talking to at one point he told
her that he felt she was pulling away from him,
that they never had sex anymore, that he felt lonely
in their marriage and that he wondered was there someone else?
She had assured both Robert and herself that, no, I

(03:06):
am not having an affair. While she felt some guilt,
she really felt that not having any physical relationship made
this friendship perfectly reasonable. Besides, the thought of giving up Todd,
the rushes of pleasure when she would meet him, the
way he made her feel beautiful and funny and fantastic. Yes,

(03:26):
there was no way she could imagine giving that up,
not in a million years. Today, I am answering a
question from a listener about emotional affairs. Emotional cheating does
not include physical intimacy. It is, however, a very intimate

(03:48):
relationship and it is a betrayal. An affair, any affair,
really has to do with secrecy, decept of the partner
and therefore betrayal. It also has to do with the
amount of emotional energy you put into the other person

(04:10):
that you therefore are not giving to your partner. However,
the person involved in an emotional fair nominally preserves their
deniability to their spouse by not having a physical relationship.
They actually avoid their own guilty feelings by saying to themselves,
but I am not having sex with this person, therefore,

(04:33):
technically it is not cheating. In addition, this kind of
justification allows them to convince themselves that they do not
have to give up the relationship. If you think about it,
it is the breach of trust, more so than the sex,
that is usually the most painful aspect of any affair,

(04:57):
and I can tell you from my many years of
work it is the most difficult to recover from. How
do emotional affairs get started? Most people are not looking
for an affair. Like Evelyn, their marriage has hit a
time of struggle, as many marriages do. They find it's

(05:18):
just not fun any more. Their husband doesn't seem to
care so much how they feel, what they think, and
the woman feels lonely and frustrated. Rather than recognizing this
red flag as a sign that she needs to figure
out what is not working and make a collaborated effort

(05:39):
to improve her relationship, women often accept this as the
way their marriage just is. So, while they aren't looking
to cheat, they are ripe for an affair of the heart.
They simply find themselves hungry for attention, craving passion and
excitement and consciously more unconsciously, they seek someone who fills

(06:03):
that empty space in their soul. What begins as a
friendship slides down the slippery slope into an emotional affair. Evelyn,
like other such women, came to depend on todd for
emotional highs and good feelings during the day. The flirting,
the you're such a terrific person, accolades, the sympathetic ear

(06:27):
for problems all make you feel special and you don't
have to contend with working out the difficult details of
living together as a married couple, instead of struggling with
their partner to work it out or seeing a couple's
therapists to see if indeed the marriage can be salvage

(06:48):
of course some cannot and it's still better to end
a marriage before getting involved with someone else, but they
jump into being involved with another person. With more women
in the workplace, the explosion of Internet access, social media, emailing,
cell phones, there is just so much easy accessibility for

(07:10):
men and women to relate and communicate in furtive waves.
Of course, men and women can be and often are friends.
So how can one tell the difference. In a male
female friendship? There is often some attraction of either party,

(07:30):
were they willing to admit it. And so those friendships
can only stay friendships if clear boundaries are drawn. This
means often including your spouse at times, with the two
of you, not discussing things which are kept secret from
the spouse and acknowledging that your marriage comes first. If,

(07:54):
on the other hand, you or he avoid telling your
spouse how much time you end with or talk to
this friend, tell your friend more about your day or
your marital dissatisfaction than you do your spouse, then this
could be more of an affair than a friendship. Other

(08:16):
questions to ask yourself are would you feel guilty if
your partner saw you two together, and do you make
sure you look great before you see your friend? If
you answered yes, then you really have to own up
to what sounds more like an affair than a friendship.
So with that right after the break, we'll get to

(08:37):
my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get to my listeners
question and see how can I help. Dear doctor saw,

(09:01):
I work at a company where sometimes we stay after
work for drinks, even a meeting with clients. That includes
dinner and drinks. Ever since a coworker who I've developed
a relationship with has joined my group, my husband's expressed
that he feels less and less comfortable with these after
work meet UPS. I do talk about how funny this

(09:24):
coworker is, and then I do admire him and we
do talk and text. The truth is I really do
like him. Maybe I even have a bit of a
crush on him, because I can talk about really important
emotional stuff and he gets it, something I don't find
is easily with girlfriends or even my husband as of

(09:45):
more recently. But there is nothing sexual going on between
us at all. I would not cheat on my husband,
no matter how much I like this man at work.
I feel it is unfair that he is questioning me
about afterwork drinks or dinners, and it feels like my
husband's pressuring me or doesn't trust me, which makes me

(10:07):
really uncomfortable. I am just not sure what to do
about it. Can you help in a way? I have
too little information to pinpoint what exactly is going on here.
It could be that your husband is being overly concerned
and jealous without cause, which could be all about him.

(10:29):
But since this is a change, it is more likely
to have to do with his perception of what is,
or rather what is not, going on in your relationship
with him. That's driving and insecurity. But it also could
be that what you are currently doing these of the
the guy at work is the thing driving the relationship

(10:51):
change and his increasing insecurity. I'd start by asking yourself
these questions, and important thing is to answer yourself as
honestly as you possibly can. Do you avoid telling your
husband how much time you spend or talk with this
new guy? Do you tell this guy more about your

(11:15):
day than you're telling your husband, even about marital dissatisfaction?
Do you ready your appearance to see this man at
work or afterwork? Do you think about looking nicer? Is
there a sexual attraction, spoken or unspoken, between you? Would
you feel guilty if your partner was a fly on

(11:38):
the wall and saw you together the way that you
interact with him? If you are answering yes to any
of these questions, then you may, without realizing it, being
in an emotional affair and though it is not sexual,
at least not yet, it is a form of betrayal
and it does take a toll on your marriage and

(12:01):
your husband, even if he doesn't really know. It's important
that you own up to what you're really feeling and doing.
You can't really have your cake and eat it too.
If you are embroiled in an emotional affair, it will
drain the health of your marriage and it will hurt
your husband, and you are putting that relationship at risk.

(12:25):
If you want your marriage, I'd suggest re establishing boundaries
with the man at work. I would avoid staying late
with him, having drinks, which will disinhibit you and him,
because that will not only encourage more breaking of emotional boundaries, but,
to be honest, having drinks is exactly what leads to,

(12:46):
one drunk at night, for one of you to make
a move and head on into a sexual affair. Generally speaking,
emotional affairs end up hurting all three people involved. As
this is, ever, a stable triad that can stay that way.
Let your husband know you love him. If some distance

(13:08):
has developed with him, work to close the gap. Talk more,
talk about what's missing, what you want more of, what
he wants more of. Then back off the guy at work.
Don't talk to him about your marriage and don't betray
the intimacy and trust of your marriage. Don't flirt with

(13:29):
this man. Don't confide, even if this means explaining to
this man that it was infringing on the comfort of
your marriage, if that is appropriate, because he asks what's changed.
A work friend can be a work friend without emotional vulnerability,
betraying a marital confidence and sexual and you end up.

(13:53):
The only way to do this is to be brutally
honest with yourself about what you may have been doing
here and what you really want to last in the
long run. It means giving up some instant gratification for
the long haul happiness. I hope that was helpful. Maybe

(14:16):
it hasn't gone that far. Maybe you just know that
you or your spouse are trying to be friends with someone,
but you want to avoid that slippery slope. How can
you protect yourself or your relationship from an emotional affair?
First and foremost, look at your current relationship for satisfaction.

(14:36):
Are you getting what you need from him, and does
he get what he needs from you? Ask Him directly
when either of you feel lonely in the relationship, like
you can't share your feelings, your concerns and dreams, then
you are both at greater risk for an affair, even
if you aren't looking. Avoid flirting. This doesn't mean avoid

(15:00):
being social and funny and enjoying a friend. It means
do not throw in or respond to sexual undertones. Once
the sexual rayparte begins, it can be too intoxicating to stop.
Do not go out alone with old flames. Old loves

(15:20):
hold a certain thrill and we tend to keep idealized
memories of them, hence a greater desire to get reinvolved.
If you want to stay friends with an old love,
include your current love. Go out to dinner altogether and
keep your partner informed if you get together without them. Finally,

(15:44):
avoid hanging out with other people who cheat. The funny
thing is that one's own morals and values can very
much be affected by those around us. The mind game
of well, Hey, everyone else is doing it, so it
must be okay can allow you to justify behavior that

(16:05):
you would normally never deem acceptable. If at lunch everyone
is talking about their work lover, then you might find
yourself marching down the same path, figuring that it all
seems like no big deal. If it's clear, then an
emotional affair is going on. What can you do? The

(16:27):
first and most important task, from which all the other
things you need to do will follow, is to own
up to and take responsibility for the affair. Denying and
blaming others will prevent you from re engaging with your partner. Next,
you must end it. This will no doubt be very

(16:49):
painful for the person having the affair, and they may
even grieve for a while. The fact is that you
cannot be with both people. It can't be half way.
You can't really stay friends some of the time. If specially,
if the person you've been involved with really does want more,

(17:12):
in order to build back the trust of your spouse,
it kind of has to be over. Next, you really
need to figure out why you did it. The reason
is likely one you never consciously acknowledged to yourself. Was
your marriage failing? Were you looking to build your self esteem?

(17:33):
Were you repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated?
In order to stop now and avoid repeating an affair
in the future, you really must search your own mind
for what led you astray. Once the affair has ended,
it can take considerable time to build back the trust
in your marriage. It also requires an openness, an accountability,

(17:57):
to get past the fear of repeated betrayal. Doing some
things that your partner needs, like coming home right after
work and breaking off all contact with the other person,
maybe needed to set your partner at ease for some time.
Even with all efforts at repair, it can sometimes take

(18:17):
years to build back the trust you once had. What
I find to be remarkably consistent in my practice is
that many people do not appreciate the relationship they do
have until they are about to lose it. This is
what happened to my first referred to case, Evelyn Robert.

(18:40):
Read the emails which said, I miss you so much,
I can't wait to see you, and he knew. He
was devastated and angry and he wanted a divorce. Once
Evelyn realized she would lose her husband, todd didn't seem
quite as thrilling, but the thought of losing either of
them left are in utter turmoil. Hence her visit to me.

(19:05):
It is much more difficult to make your way back
from a betrayal of intimate feelings and the resulting loss
of trust in your partner than to work at rekindling
the relationship you have that may have become somewhat flat
or distant. When you ignore the sometimes anxiety inducing messages,
your mind is caring. Like I feel so stuck in

(19:28):
my marriage. I wish I could run off and have fun,
or I feel old and dumpy. I wish someone would
make me feel young and sexy again. Then you cannot
examine them or deal with them in a healthy and
productive manner. Instead, you will act them out, and this
can either result in you or your partner having an

(19:50):
emotional affair. Any good relationship takes an investment of time,
effort and emotional energy. Put that energy into enhancing the
relationship you've got. It is, in the end, worth the UPKEEPE,
do you have a problem I can help with? If so,

(20:11):
email me yet. How can I help? At Seneca Women
Dot Com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me? Doctor GALE'S SALTS