February 9, 2024 • 12 mins
Yes, it’s hard to juggle time-restricted schedules, and you may worry that you’re shortchanging your child, but you, and your kids, will benefit when you enjoy a strong, adult relationship, says Dr. Saltz.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Whether you've always been single,
you're divorced, or widowed, raising a child as a single
parent is difficult and it can be lonely. The commitment
to parenting takes so much time and energy, the dating
(00:48):
and getting involved with someone often falls to the wayside.
In addition, it seems so complicated to figure out how
to meet a romantic interest and spend time with them
while not imposing them on your kids that you may
even feel it's hopeless. But remember we all only go
(01:10):
around once, and getting to have a partner, a companion,
and a love in your life is important to many women.
So today I'm answering a question from a single mother
who feels like she would like to meet someone special,
but does have concerns about her daughter. In pursuing that,
(01:31):
if it's important to you. I urge you to put
the effort into working it out rather than giving up
on it. There are ways to manage it while still
protecting how your child feels. And if you truly give
it up for the kids, then you will come to
resent your children for your loneliness. This isn't healthy for
(01:54):
any of you. Romance and sex is an important part
of everyone's life and something every woman is entitled to
include in her life. The trick is how to do
this in a way that is both meaningful for you
and not problematic for your children. That being said, dating
(02:17):
as a single parent comes with its own set of
challenges and potential pitfalls. For example, there is the question
of neglecting your children's needs. Because one of the biggest
pitfalls is neglecting a child. It's important to prioritize their
well being and ensure that they feel secure and loved
(02:41):
and have you very present even as you pursue a
romantic relationship. There's the question of introducing new partners to
your children too soon, because that can be problematic. You
need to take the time to build a solid foundation
with someone before involved them in your children's lives really
(03:02):
at all, To avoid confusion and potential emotional distress. As
a single parent, it's crucial to be discerning about the
character and the intentions of any potential partner. Ignoring red
flags or settling for someone who may not be a
good fit can definitely lead to more complications down the road.
(03:27):
Some single parents may feel guilty about taking time for
themselves or pursuing a romantic relationship, but it's important to
recognize that self care is essential and a balanced life
benefits both you and your children. Ensuring that your potential
partner is compatible not only with you, but also with
(03:49):
your family dynamics. Overlooking compatibility in one's values, in one's
parenting styles, or even long term goal can lead to
challenges that are insurmountable in the relationship. Communication is key
in any relationship, but it becomes even more critical as
(04:11):
a single parent, so be open and honest about your priorities,
your expectations, and the needs of your children to avoid
any misunderstandings. Dating can sometimes come with additional expenses, so
be mindful of your budget and your financial responsibilities as
a single parent to ensure that dating activities do not
(04:35):
create unnecessary financial strain. Balancing parenting and dating requires careful
time management. Over committing and spreading yourself too thin can
lead to feeling exhausted, and that has a negative impact
on all your relationships. And while it's natural to compare
(04:57):
new partners to your ex spouse where the other parent
of your children, doing so excessively will hinder your ability
to appreciate someone for who they are. Single parents often
have demanding schedules, but it's still important to carve out
time for self care and personal interests so that you
(05:17):
can maintain a healthy balance in your life. Navigating all
these pitfalls requires self awareness, clear communication, and a commitment
to both your own well being and that of your children.
Sometimes support from friends or families, or even mental health
professionals can be beneficial as you navigate the complexities of
(05:40):
dating as a single parent. So with that, right after
the break, we'll get to my listener's question. Welcome back.
Let's get to my listener's question and see how how
can I help, Dear doctor Saltz. I have been divorced
(06:05):
for two years and it's been hard for my four
year old daughter having her and my ex husband her
father a part but for me, I have felt alone
and without a partner for about three and a half years,
because we've really been separate for that long and it's
been very hard for me from a personal loneliness standpoint,
(06:28):
I would like to meet someone who I could romantically
be involved with. I don't want to make things harder
for my daughter, though, and I worry if it's too soon,
is she too young? How do I weigh my personal
happiness and my daughter's upset? How should I think about
dating now? Many children do find the adjustment to both
(06:51):
parents not being in the home following a divorce difficult.
Having stability and constancy as much as possible is important
for her. Your presence is also important because the separation
of her parents is difficult and can make a child
worry about losing either of you. So your personal constancy
(07:13):
and presence is reassuring to her. That being said, your
emotional presence also matters. One can be there in body,
but not in emotional connection if you are very unhappy,
and that can feel like an abandonment of sorts to
a young child as well. Wanting to meet someone, someone
(07:36):
who can be a love interest and a partner is
understandable and for many people an important part of life.
The question you need to ask yourself is if you
can date in a very safe way and in a
way that takes place for the most part when your
daughter is with her father, especially as she is quite young,
(08:01):
and only occasionally when your daughter is staying with you.
I would advise you to let perspective dates know that
you are divorced and with a child, so you don't
waste time with someone for whom this is a deal breaker.
I would advise you to not expose your child to
anyone until or unless you become quite serious with them,
(08:24):
but certainly not in the early days where she can
easily experience a series of many abandonments as early relationships
come and go. Basically, rush at dating slowly, carefully, and methodically,
so as to keep your daughter as separate from it
(08:44):
as possible unless one person becomes a more permanent part
of your life. I hope that was helpful. Go slow,
but steady. Most women are tempted to either throw themselves
into a relationship and also have unrealistically high expectations, or
(09:08):
be gun shy and basically never date. Neither is really
a good idea. Some relationships, while fun and fine to have,
will fizzle out in the end. And this isn't the
person you want to have involved in your child's life.
It's fine to tell your child you're going out on
a date, but then don't involve that child. Go out,
(09:32):
have fun, come home alone until you really feel this
one has been around long enough to be thinking of
a future with. Be sexually conservative. By this, I mean
don't jump between the sheets too soon. The dramatic and
devastating hurt that can occur from having a man you
(09:53):
just slept with break it off is something that is
hard to contain and will possibly impact your parenting. So
take it slow, get to know him. If he's really
interested in you, he'll wait for sex. This also means
do not have sex anywhere your kids will know no sofas,
(10:18):
no unlocked doors. Better yet, do it at his house.
Seeing you have multiple sexual partners will send a definite
message to your kids that you may wish they didn't
have once they become teenagers. Do not use your child
as your confidante when going through romances. It's very tempting
(10:42):
to want to talk about it. I think he likes me,
this is the one. What does he mean by that?
But confiding in them, complaining to them, or asking for
their advice, no matter how old they are, will make
them feel responsible and that is bad for them. Talk
(11:05):
to them about break ups. If your child does not
spend time with the guy who I'd call a friend
for a long time, and then you split up, be
sure to explain to your child that you are not
going to see each other anymore because of a difficulty
between you two, but that it has absolutely nothing to
do with them, And most importantly, do as I say.
(11:31):
Many parents try to have one set of rules for
themselves and one for their kids. Believe me, this does
not work. You are the model. If you take abuse
from the guy, then you are teaching your son to
treat women badly. You are teaching your daughter it's okay
to be abused. If you sleep with many men in
(11:55):
plain sight of your children, so will your teenage daughter.
Think about the consequences of your actions and know that
no matter what you tell them, they will always model
your behavior. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at how Can I Help? At
(12:16):
senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every
Friday to how can I help with me? Doctor Gail
Saltz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how Can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Whether you've always been single,
you're divorced, or widowed, raising a child as a single
parent is difficult and it can be lonely. The commitment
to parenting takes so much time and energy, the dating
(00:48):
and getting involved with someone often falls to the wayside.
In addition, it seems so complicated to figure out how
to meet a romantic interest and spend time with them
while not imposing them on your kids that you may
even feel it's hopeless. But remember we all only go
(01:10):
around once, and getting to have a partner, a companion,
and a love in your life is important to many women.
So today I'm answering a question from a single mother
who feels like she would like to meet someone special,
but does have concerns about her daughter. In pursuing that,
(01:31):
if it's important to you. I urge you to put
the effort into working it out rather than giving up
on it. There are ways to manage it while still
protecting how your child feels. And if you truly give
it up for the kids, then you will come to
resent your children for your loneliness. This isn't healthy for
(01:54):
any of you. Romance and sex is an important part
of everyone's life and something every woman is entitled to
include in her life. The trick is how to do
this in a way that is both meaningful for you
and not problematic for your children. That being said, dating
(02:17):
as a single parent comes with its own set of
challenges and potential pitfalls. For example, there is the question
of neglecting your children's needs. Because one of the biggest
pitfalls is neglecting a child. It's important to prioritize their
well being and ensure that they feel secure and loved
(02:41):
and have you very present even as you pursue a
romantic relationship. There's the question of introducing new partners to
your children too soon, because that can be problematic. You
need to take the time to build a solid foundation
with someone before involved them in your children's lives really
(03:02):
at all, To avoid confusion and potential emotional distress. As
a single parent, it's crucial to be discerning about the
character and the intentions of any potential partner. Ignoring red
flags or settling for someone who may not be a
good fit can definitely lead to more complications down the road.
(03:27):
Some single parents may feel guilty about taking time for
themselves or pursuing a romantic relationship, but it's important to
recognize that self care is essential and a balanced life
benefits both you and your children. Ensuring that your potential
partner is compatible not only with you, but also with
(03:49):
your family dynamics. Overlooking compatibility in one's values, in one's
parenting styles, or even long term goal can lead to
challenges that are insurmountable in the relationship. Communication is key
in any relationship, but it becomes even more critical as
(04:11):
a single parent, so be open and honest about your priorities,
your expectations, and the needs of your children to avoid
any misunderstandings. Dating can sometimes come with additional expenses, so
be mindful of your budget and your financial responsibilities as
a single parent to ensure that dating activities do not
(04:35):
create unnecessary financial strain. Balancing parenting and dating requires careful
time management. Over committing and spreading yourself too thin can
lead to feeling exhausted, and that has a negative impact
on all your relationships. And while it's natural to compare
(04:57):
new partners to your ex spouse where the other parent
of your children, doing so excessively will hinder your ability
to appreciate someone for who they are. Single parents often
have demanding schedules, but it's still important to carve out
time for self care and personal interests so that you
(05:17):
can maintain a healthy balance in your life. Navigating all
these pitfalls requires self awareness, clear communication, and a commitment
to both your own well being and that of your children.
Sometimes support from friends or families, or even mental health
professionals can be beneficial as you navigate the complexities of
(05:40):
dating as a single parent. So with that, right after
the break, we'll get to my listener's question. Welcome back.
Let's get to my listener's question and see how how
can I help, Dear doctor Saltz. I have been divorced
(06:05):
for two years and it's been hard for my four
year old daughter having her and my ex husband her
father a part but for me, I have felt alone
and without a partner for about three and a half years,
because we've really been separate for that long and it's
been very hard for me from a personal loneliness standpoint,
(06:28):
I would like to meet someone who I could romantically
be involved with. I don't want to make things harder
for my daughter, though, and I worry if it's too soon,
is she too young? How do I weigh my personal
happiness and my daughter's upset? How should I think about
dating now? Many children do find the adjustment to both
(06:51):
parents not being in the home following a divorce difficult.
Having stability and constancy as much as possible is important
for her. Your presence is also important because the separation
of her parents is difficult and can make a child
worry about losing either of you. So your personal constancy
(07:13):
and presence is reassuring to her. That being said, your
emotional presence also matters. One can be there in body,
but not in emotional connection if you are very unhappy,
and that can feel like an abandonment of sorts to
a young child as well. Wanting to meet someone, someone
(07:36):
who can be a love interest and a partner is
understandable and for many people an important part of life.
The question you need to ask yourself is if you
can date in a very safe way and in a
way that takes place for the most part when your
daughter is with her father, especially as she is quite young,
(08:01):
and only occasionally when your daughter is staying with you.
I would advise you to let perspective dates know that
you are divorced and with a child, so you don't
waste time with someone for whom this is a deal breaker.
I would advise you to not expose your child to
anyone until or unless you become quite serious with them,
(08:24):
but certainly not in the early days where she can
easily experience a series of many abandonments as early relationships
come and go. Basically, rush at dating slowly, carefully, and methodically,
so as to keep your daughter as separate from it
(08:44):
as possible unless one person becomes a more permanent part
of your life. I hope that was helpful. Go slow,
but steady. Most women are tempted to either throw themselves
into a relationship and also have unrealistically high expectations, or
(09:08):
be gun shy and basically never date. Neither is really
a good idea. Some relationships, while fun and fine to have,
will fizzle out in the end. And this isn't the
person you want to have involved in your child's life.
It's fine to tell your child you're going out on
a date, but then don't involve that child. Go out,
(09:32):
have fun, come home alone until you really feel this
one has been around long enough to be thinking of
a future with. Be sexually conservative. By this, I mean
don't jump between the sheets too soon. The dramatic and
devastating hurt that can occur from having a man you
(09:53):
just slept with break it off is something that is
hard to contain and will possibly impact your parenting. So
take it slow, get to know him. If he's really
interested in you, he'll wait for sex. This also means
do not have sex anywhere your kids will know no sofas,
(10:18):
no unlocked doors. Better yet, do it at his house.
Seeing you have multiple sexual partners will send a definite
message to your kids that you may wish they didn't
have once they become teenagers. Do not use your child
as your confidante when going through romances. It's very tempting
(10:42):
to want to talk about it. I think he likes me,
this is the one. What does he mean by that?
But confiding in them, complaining to them, or asking for
their advice, no matter how old they are, will make
them feel responsible and that is bad for them. Talk
(11:05):
to them about break ups. If your child does not
spend time with the guy who I'd call a friend
for a long time, and then you split up, be
sure to explain to your child that you are not
going to see each other anymore because of a difficulty
between you two, but that it has absolutely nothing to
do with them, And most importantly, do as I say.
(11:31):
Many parents try to have one set of rules for
themselves and one for their kids. Believe me, this does
not work. You are the model. If you take abuse
from the guy, then you are teaching your son to
treat women badly. You are teaching your daughter it's okay
to be abused. If you sleep with many men in
(11:55):
plain sight of your children, so will your teenage daughter.
Think about the consequences of your actions and know that
no matter what you tell them, they will always model
your behavior. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me at how Can I Help? At
(12:16):
senecawomen dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every
Friday to how can I help with me? Doctor Gail
Saltz
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