March 25, 2022 • 13 mins
You know the type: He (or she) is romantic and thoughtful—but just can’t seem to pull the trigger to make things permanent. If you think you’re involved with a commitment-phobe, learn the warning signs and what to do about them (hint: nagging doesn’t help)—and, if necessary, when to move on.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. A commitment phobia is
a fear and subsequent avoidance of having to commit to anything,
but often especially a relationship. Being involved with someone afraid
of commitments can be both frustrating and perplexing. In addition,
(00:51):
being afraid of any commitment is no picnic either. Life
is pretty lonely for the person who is fearful. So
to day, I am answering a question from a listener
about the fear of committing. Degree of fear about commitment
can range from a tendency to be uncomfortable all the
(01:12):
way up to an irrational and total fear state around
any sign of personal commitment like marriage, which is called gamophobia.
While there may be many reasons for this fear, it
often begins when a child has a loss of an
important person in their life. A divorce where they lose
(01:34):
one parent or if a parent dies, can be so
traumatic that the child may always fear of losing a
loved one. This fear of loss and rejection keeps the
commitment fobe from risking getting attached to anyone. Being a
witness espousal abuse may also induce a fear, a fear
(01:58):
of getting hurt or of being a hurt earth in
the child witness, who then grows into an adult who
never wants to get married. If you have ever dated
someone who says they want to be with you desperately
and seem to chase you with incredible zeal till they
(02:19):
catch you and then suddenly turns cool and critical, you
may have stumbled onto a commitment phobic person. It's possible
for someone to experience gamophobia only, in other words, only
the fear of marriage. They might feel comfortable committing to
their job, even other relationships and events that require long
(02:43):
term responsibility, but not marriage. And it's also important to
note that if your partner has a fear of commitment
or commitment phobia, that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't
love you or they don't value you. It doesn't mean
that they are necessarily rejecting you or don't want to
spend time with you. It also doesn't mean that the
(03:06):
necessarily cheating on you or that they're being manipulative with you.
It can be they feel all the wonderful feelings towards
you and they want to stay with you, They just
have terror when the talk turns to committing. It may
be difficult for someone to deal with the commitment itself,
but not the feelings. They could be in love, they
(03:29):
want to spend time with you, and even desire to
get closer, Yet they might have a hard time dealing
with the dedication an engagement that this requires. If they
live with a phobia, the irrational fear this involves could
really trump their feelings. Being in a relationship with someone
(03:52):
who doesn't commit to you can be frustrating and even hurtful.
It may be difficult to tell of your partner doesn't
want to commit to you or has a difficulty committing
in general, or if they actually have a phobia. There
can be real reasons for their avoidance of commitment. In
(04:13):
all of these instances, they might not even be aware
of where their fear comes from or why, despite loving you,
they avoid taking the next step. Researchers haven't been able
to establish one specific cause for commitment phobia, but relationship
anxiety in general can eventually become fear or phobia if
(04:37):
the person repeatedly experiences traumatizing or hurtful situations. There could
be a few different reasons or factors actually involved when
this happens. In security about attachments, someone who is struggling
with a personality disorder, someone who has had repeated trauma
(04:57):
or prolonged stress. Would be something to do with the
family history and their fear of modeling that family history,
and it could have to do with very low self esteem.
Not everyone who's gone through these situations develops fear of commitment,
and not everyone living with commitment phobia has even experienced
(05:19):
these situations. But how do you spot someone with a
fear of commitment at the start of a relationship. Here
are a few typical behaviors. Very aggressive interests with lots
of compliments and professions of love. Very early on. Once
you're hooked and obviously so, they suddenly create distance. They
(05:42):
act trapped, they quote needs space, They might criticize you,
and almost seem to search for a good reason to
break up. Also, when a relationship is working well, then
you find they annoy or hurt you in an attempt
to blow up the relationship. They get very involved and
then break up, only to come back to you after
(06:05):
the breakup and then break up again. They cannot discuss
marriage or even living together. They have unrealistic ideas of
how perfect someone has to be for them, and they
pick unavailable partners so they don't have to worry about commitment.
(06:25):
When we come back, I'll get to my listeners question.
Let's get to my listeners question and ask how can
I help, Dear Dr Sults. I have been dating this
(06:50):
guy for eight months. I am in my late twenties
and I would like to get married and have a
family at some point. I am crazy about the sky,
and honestly, he seems pretty crazy about me too from
all the signs. But when I speak of a future together,
he seems to kind of shut down and pull away
(07:11):
a bit. He doesn't seem to want to break up.
In fact, he's been very clear about that and he
wants us to be monogamous. But as I approach thirty,
I don't know how much time I should spend with
a guy who doesn't After eight months seem to have
interest or drive to get married at all, or at
(07:31):
least he never indicates that with me. If I drop
any hints about the future, he is all in with me,
like talking about the future. But again, as soon as
I start making noises about what we will be doing,
like will we be married, he cools off. I don't
know what to do because I do love him, but
(07:54):
I also love myself and my wishes for a family.
Should I hang in there? Should I do something different?
Or is this situation hopeless? Most of the solutions to
dealing with fears of commitment really have to do with communication.
There may be many ways to address and cope with
(08:14):
anxiety and fear of commitment, but consider a few of these.
First of all, you do want to talk with him
about it, about specifically what you're bringing up to me.
One of the best ways to overcome fear of commitment
is to maintain open and honest communication. Numerous studies have
(08:35):
found that being on the same page with your partner
is actually even more important for relationship success than the
actual level of commitment. So he needs to know quite
specifically your wishes for the future, and actually you need
to know his you can talk about your desired timeline,
(08:57):
and then you can listen to his, adding, of course,
that your timeline may include concerns about your biological clock,
which I think I'm hearing from you also discuss the
possibility of a fear or phobia. People both commitment phobia
may be more likely to make progress if they acknowledge
(09:18):
that they actually have a fear if indeed that's what's
going on. If you're unsure of how to handle this
conversation or that's just not going well, if you're having
trouble doing it in the first place, you might consider
getting the support of a mental health professional like a
couple's therapists. It is important, though, to acknowledge the steps
(09:40):
your partner does take. Again, researchers have found that when
you acknowledge the significance of your partner's efforts and sacrifices,
they are less likely to pull away. This is because
basically positive reinforcement works. So if he does plan anything
(10:00):
for the future, or does consider your feelings about the
future together, make it clear that you hear him and
you really appreciate him trying. If your partner has low
self esteem or fears of abandonment, you supportive words and
positive feedback. This works a whole lot better than threatening
(10:22):
to leave. The point is the fear of abandonment can
keep him from committing, and reassuring him and giving him
confidence that you are staying can help him move past
these fears of rejection and loss. Badgering him or guilty
him into making a larger commitment than he's ready for
(10:45):
is actually unlikely to work, and if it does work
in the short term, it's highly likely to backfire shortly
after that. I would consider a couples therapy because talk
therapy with a mental health professional can be incredibly useful
in overcoming anxiety and improving communication within a partnership. There
(11:07):
really is no downside, and if you can frame it
as you wanting to improve your ability to consider how
to move forward and communicate better, then that might be
acceptable for him. But I'll also say this, if you're
really and repeatedly ready for the next step but your
(11:28):
partner remains not, so consider asking yourself whether you're really
willing to stay in the relationship as it is. If
you are, well, fine, but if you aren't, it may
be a good idea to end it and move on,
because sometimes a fearful person will never be able to
(11:49):
nor want to make a marital commitment, and that is
doomed at the end of the day to make you miserable.
I hope that was helpful. If you know that you
have a fear of commitments, then getting psychotherapy to understand
the roots of your fears and resolve them can really help,
(12:11):
because it can be very frustrating and sad to deal
with your own commitment fears. If you are in a
relationship with someone that you think has a fear of commitment,
try to discuss it with them. Be empathic rather than critical,
which will only drive them away. Tell them you understand
(12:32):
that it is scary for them, but that in order
for you to stay with them, they have to get help. If, however,
you can see the signs in someone before you are
in too deep, you might want to move along to
a partner without this issue. Working out intimacy with someone
afraid of it is no easy task. There could be
(12:55):
a lot of heartache in store with no certainty of
a possible happy ending. It could be time to go
looking for a more stable possibility and hope for satisfaction.
Do you have a problem, I can help with if so,
email me at how can I help At Seneca Women
(13:16):
dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me Doctor Gale's Salts
Bees are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gale Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. A commitment phobia is
a fear and subsequent avoidance of having to commit to anything,
but often especially a relationship. Being involved with someone afraid
of commitments can be both frustrating and perplexing. In addition,
(00:51):
being afraid of any commitment is no picnic either. Life
is pretty lonely for the person who is fearful. So
to day, I am answering a question from a listener
about the fear of committing. Degree of fear about commitment
can range from a tendency to be uncomfortable all the
(01:12):
way up to an irrational and total fear state around
any sign of personal commitment like marriage, which is called gamophobia.
While there may be many reasons for this fear, it
often begins when a child has a loss of an
important person in their life. A divorce where they lose
(01:34):
one parent or if a parent dies, can be so
traumatic that the child may always fear of losing a
loved one. This fear of loss and rejection keeps the
commitment fobe from risking getting attached to anyone. Being a
witness espousal abuse may also induce a fear, a fear
(01:58):
of getting hurt or of being a hurt earth in
the child witness, who then grows into an adult who
never wants to get married. If you have ever dated
someone who says they want to be with you desperately
and seem to chase you with incredible zeal till they
(02:19):
catch you and then suddenly turns cool and critical, you
may have stumbled onto a commitment phobic person. It's possible
for someone to experience gamophobia only, in other words, only
the fear of marriage. They might feel comfortable committing to
their job, even other relationships and events that require long
(02:43):
term responsibility, but not marriage. And it's also important to
note that if your partner has a fear of commitment
or commitment phobia, that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't
love you or they don't value you. It doesn't mean
that they are necessarily rejecting you or don't want to
spend time with you. It also doesn't mean that the
(03:06):
necessarily cheating on you or that they're being manipulative with you.
It can be they feel all the wonderful feelings towards
you and they want to stay with you, They just
have terror when the talk turns to committing. It may
be difficult for someone to deal with the commitment itself,
but not the feelings. They could be in love, they
(03:29):
want to spend time with you, and even desire to
get closer, Yet they might have a hard time dealing
with the dedication an engagement that this requires. If they
live with a phobia, the irrational fear this involves could
really trump their feelings. Being in a relationship with someone
(03:52):
who doesn't commit to you can be frustrating and even hurtful.
It may be difficult to tell of your partner doesn't
want to commit to you or has a difficulty committing
in general, or if they actually have a phobia. There
can be real reasons for their avoidance of commitment. In
(04:13):
all of these instances, they might not even be aware
of where their fear comes from or why, despite loving you,
they avoid taking the next step. Researchers haven't been able
to establish one specific cause for commitment phobia, but relationship
anxiety in general can eventually become fear or phobia if
(04:37):
the person repeatedly experiences traumatizing or hurtful situations. There could
be a few different reasons or factors actually involved when
this happens. In security about attachments, someone who is struggling
with a personality disorder, someone who has had repeated trauma
(04:57):
or prolonged stress. Would be something to do with the
family history and their fear of modeling that family history,
and it could have to do with very low self esteem.
Not everyone who's gone through these situations develops fear of commitment,
and not everyone living with commitment phobia has even experienced
(05:19):
these situations. But how do you spot someone with a
fear of commitment at the start of a relationship. Here
are a few typical behaviors. Very aggressive interests with lots
of compliments and professions of love. Very early on. Once
you're hooked and obviously so, they suddenly create distance. They
(05:42):
act trapped, they quote needs space, They might criticize you,
and almost seem to search for a good reason to
break up. Also, when a relationship is working well, then
you find they annoy or hurt you in an attempt
to blow up the relationship. They get very involved and
then break up, only to come back to you after
(06:05):
the breakup and then break up again. They cannot discuss
marriage or even living together. They have unrealistic ideas of
how perfect someone has to be for them, and they
pick unavailable partners so they don't have to worry about commitment.
(06:25):
When we come back, I'll get to my listeners question.
Let's get to my listeners question and ask how can
I help, Dear Dr Sults. I have been dating this
(06:50):
guy for eight months. I am in my late twenties
and I would like to get married and have a
family at some point. I am crazy about the sky,
and honestly, he seems pretty crazy about me too from
all the signs. But when I speak of a future together,
he seems to kind of shut down and pull away
(07:11):
a bit. He doesn't seem to want to break up.
In fact, he's been very clear about that and he
wants us to be monogamous. But as I approach thirty,
I don't know how much time I should spend with
a guy who doesn't After eight months seem to have
interest or drive to get married at all, or at
(07:31):
least he never indicates that with me. If I drop
any hints about the future, he is all in with me,
like talking about the future. But again, as soon as
I start making noises about what we will be doing,
like will we be married, he cools off. I don't
know what to do because I do love him, but
(07:54):
I also love myself and my wishes for a family.
Should I hang in there? Should I do something different?
Or is this situation hopeless? Most of the solutions to
dealing with fears of commitment really have to do with communication.
There may be many ways to address and cope with
(08:14):
anxiety and fear of commitment, but consider a few of these.
First of all, you do want to talk with him
about it, about specifically what you're bringing up to me.
One of the best ways to overcome fear of commitment
is to maintain open and honest communication. Numerous studies have
(08:35):
found that being on the same page with your partner
is actually even more important for relationship success than the
actual level of commitment. So he needs to know quite
specifically your wishes for the future, and actually you need
to know his you can talk about your desired timeline,
(08:57):
and then you can listen to his, adding, of course,
that your timeline may include concerns about your biological clock,
which I think I'm hearing from you also discuss the
possibility of a fear or phobia. People both commitment phobia
may be more likely to make progress if they acknowledge
(09:18):
that they actually have a fear if indeed that's what's
going on. If you're unsure of how to handle this
conversation or that's just not going well, if you're having
trouble doing it in the first place, you might consider
getting the support of a mental health professional like a
couple's therapists. It is important, though, to acknowledge the steps
(09:40):
your partner does take. Again, researchers have found that when
you acknowledge the significance of your partner's efforts and sacrifices,
they are less likely to pull away. This is because
basically positive reinforcement works. So if he does plan anything
(10:00):
for the future, or does consider your feelings about the
future together, make it clear that you hear him and
you really appreciate him trying. If your partner has low
self esteem or fears of abandonment, you supportive words and
positive feedback. This works a whole lot better than threatening
(10:22):
to leave. The point is the fear of abandonment can
keep him from committing, and reassuring him and giving him
confidence that you are staying can help him move past
these fears of rejection and loss. Badgering him or guilty
him into making a larger commitment than he's ready for
(10:45):
is actually unlikely to work, and if it does work
in the short term, it's highly likely to backfire shortly
after that. I would consider a couples therapy because talk
therapy with a mental health professional can be incredibly useful
in overcoming anxiety and improving communication within a partnership. There
(11:07):
really is no downside, and if you can frame it
as you wanting to improve your ability to consider how
to move forward and communicate better, then that might be
acceptable for him. But I'll also say this, if you're
really and repeatedly ready for the next step but your
(11:28):
partner remains not, so consider asking yourself whether you're really
willing to stay in the relationship as it is. If
you are, well, fine, but if you aren't, it may
be a good idea to end it and move on,
because sometimes a fearful person will never be able to
(11:49):
nor want to make a marital commitment, and that is
doomed at the end of the day to make you miserable.
I hope that was helpful. If you know that you
have a fear of commitments, then getting psychotherapy to understand
the roots of your fears and resolve them can really help,
(12:11):
because it can be very frustrating and sad to deal
with your own commitment fears. If you are in a
relationship with someone that you think has a fear of commitment,
try to discuss it with them. Be empathic rather than critical,
which will only drive them away. Tell them you understand
(12:32):
that it is scary for them, but that in order
for you to stay with them, they have to get help. If, however,
you can see the signs in someone before you are
in too deep, you might want to move along to
a partner without this issue. Working out intimacy with someone
afraid of it is no easy task. There could be
(12:55):
a lot of heartache in store with no certainty of
a possible happy ending. It could be time to go
looking for a more stable possibility and hope for satisfaction.
Do you have a problem, I can help with if so,
email me at how can I help At Seneca Women
(13:16):
dot com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday too.
How can I help with me Doctor Gale's Salts
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