December 15, 2023 • 14 mins
Few things are as hurtful as learning that someone you thought was your friend has betrayed your trust—whether it’s bad-mouthing you, sharing your private info with the world or cutting you off socially. Dr. Saltz tells how to get past the resulting self-doubt and determine whether this is a relationship worth saving.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. When a friend betrays us,
it can cause a range of negative emotions, shock, loss,
and grief. Even everyone has certain appropriate expectations of a friendship,
(00:47):
which basically involve trust and intimacy and mutual support and
most importantly, perhaps wanting the best for each other, which
is why a betrayal of those expectations can cause feelings
of being exploited or manipulated, or worse yet, a sense
of self doubt for you asking why me. In fact,
(01:13):
betrayal trauma can also cause negative beliefs about our own
sense of safety and trust on a wider scale, affecting
other relationships. So today I am answering a listener's question
that is about a betrayal by a friend. So what
exactly is friendship betrayal? It refers to the violation of
(01:37):
trust and loyalty within a friendship. It occurs when a
friend behaves in a way that goes against the expectations
and the mutual understanding that typically define a healthy and
supportive friendship. Betrayal in friendship can take different forms. So
there could be the when a friend lies or canals
(02:00):
important information from you, which leads to a breach of
your trust, in other words, being deceived by a friend.
There can be acting against the best interest of the
friend or the friendship by for example, spreading rumors or gossip,
a form of disloyalty. It could be suddenly withdrawing support
(02:24):
or cutting ties with a friend without some sort of
communication or explanation, basically abandonment. It could be engaging in
actions that harm the friend behind their back. Sometimes this
might be for personal gain or to increase your own
(02:44):
interest in some way, what basically friends refer to as
backstabbing and ignoring or crossing a boundary, whether it's emotional
or personal, or related to privacy. A violation of boundaries
is a form of betrayal and sharing private or sensitive
(03:07):
information that was shared with a friend in confidence explicitly,
and then breaking that trust that you put in the
friendship that betrayal of confidence is a form of betrayal.
Friendship betrayal can be emotionally challenging and painful because it
involves a breach of the emotional bonds and the shared
(03:29):
understanding between two people. Coping with betrayal involves open communication,
honest discussions, and in some cases, a willingness to forgive
and rebuild that trust. Not all friendships can or should
be repaired after a betrayal. It really depends on the
(03:50):
nature of what has happened and how often it's happened,
so an individual may choose to move on and seek
a healthier connection. So with that, let's get to my
listener's question and ask, how can I help, Dear doctor Saltz.
I have been friends with a mom in my son's
(04:12):
class for several years. I consider her a really good friend.
We talk a lot, and we do things together with
the kids, often outside of school, and I really like
her and feel that it is quite mutual. In fact,
I think of her as the closest of the friend
(04:33):
group of moms in this class, though there are other
women I'm also friends with, and she is also friends
with the other day another mutual friend of ours told
me that my good friend said some rather unkind things
about me while she was talking to another group of friends,
something about my being too uptight a mother and that
(04:57):
I need to relax and calm down more because I'm
driving my son nuts. This really hurt my feelings.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
It was mean. She has never said anything like this
to me, She has never pointed this out to me
as a problem or an issue, and that she would
say it to other moms behind my back feels like
a real betrayal of our friendship. I'm not sure what
to do because I really value our friendship, so I
(05:27):
don't want to ruin it, but I also feel really
untrusting now and frankly quite hurt. What can I do
to resolve this in a way that allows me to
keep this friend but not pretend I don't know what
she did. What you are feeling is really normal. Thinking
(05:49):
that a friend badmouthed you to others behind the scenes
is of course hurtful and angering, confusing and sad that
you all I already know you'd like to keep this
friendship makes it clear you do need to communicate with
her sooner than later, because saying nothing may allow the
(06:10):
friendship to continue along, but it won't stay at a
real friendship for you because you've lost trust, and trust
is needed in a true friendship. The thing is, it
is possible she said these things, but it is also
possible that the person who told you what she said
(06:33):
got it wrong, exaggerated, or was in some way motivated
to relay something not entirely accurate. In discussing it, you
will need to keep an open mind. I would approach
without being aggressively accusatory, instead open with something like this
(06:56):
woman told me. You mentioned I'm too uptight a mother,
and to be honest, I was surprised and bothered by
hearing that it may not be true, and I really
value our friendship, so I wanted to talk to you
about it and see what is the case and make
sure that we are on the same page in terms
(07:17):
of supporting each other as friends. Make it clear if
there is any specific problem between you two, that you'd
always like to discuss it and resolve it to keep
the friendship, and you'd hope that she would not in
the future betray the trust the two of you have.
(07:37):
If indeed she said something hurtful, you can explain this
hurts you, but you'd like to forgive that and ask
her in the future not to discuss you negatively to others,
but to come to you directly if there is a
problem or she sees an issue. Make sure you do
(07:58):
communicate your expectations of the friendship to her, what you
will do for her as well and expect her to
do for you. You can let her know that criticizing you
as a mother outright to others feels mean to you.
It is something you wouldn't and will not do to her,
(08:19):
and by understanding this, you are asking her not to
do it in the future. Hopefully she can understand both
that this made you feel bad and that you value
the friendship and are forgiving her in hopes you can
have a good friendship going forward. She may either explain
(08:41):
this isn't what she said or meant and then communication
cleared up, or that she did and she's sorry she
hurt you and will be more respectful of the relationship
going forward. She may also tell you that she wishes
she'd been able to tell you that there is some
aspect of this subject that is affecting your friendship or
(09:06):
the interaction between you both and your children. That she
does want to talk to you about You'll need to
wait and see, but keeping in mind that you want
to keep a healthy friendship with her is important in
terms of how you respond to her response. While this
may have been unkind, it's not the type of betrayal
(09:29):
that has to be a relationship ender. Sometimes a betrayal
is so horrendous or so repeated that a trust just
can't be restored, and having enough self respect to accept
that is important because staying in a totally one sided,
toxic friendship isn't good for your mental health either. But
(09:52):
this seems like one you likely can work out for
the better of the friendship. Going forward, way back in
a moment, back with some tips about friendship betrayal. Dealing
(10:16):
with a friend's betrayal can be a challenging and emotionally
taxing experience, but here are some strategies to help you
navigate through that kind of situation. Allow yourself to feel
it is natural to feel a range of emotions, from
anger to sadness, from confusion to her Allow yourself to
(10:41):
acknowledge that and experience those emotions rather than trying to
suppress them. By suppressing them, you will either continue to
put yourself in a self destructive friendship, or they will
simply burst out in an uncontrolled way, probably damaging the
friendship irrev communicate. If you feel comfortable, consider talking to
(11:07):
your friend about the betrayal. Share your feelings and concerns.
It's possible there may be a misunderstanding or a chance
for resolution through open communication. Set some boundaries decide whether
the friendship is worth salvaging, and if so, do establish
(11:28):
some clear boundaries moving forward. By clearly communicating your expectations
and what you will assure your friend, it will help
your friend understand the impact of their actions. You can
also seek support because sharing your feelings with other friends
or family members or a trusted confidante will help you
(11:51):
to feel more comfortable and help give you perspective during
this challenging time. You can reflect on them friendship by
thinking about the overall dynamics. Consider whether this betrayal is
a one time incident or really is part of a
pattern of behavior, and assess whether the friendship is healthy
(12:15):
and beneficial for you, and think about forgiveness. Forgiveness is
a personal choice and it doesn't necessarily mean condoning the betrayal.
It can be a way to release the burden of
anger and resentment for your own well being. But forgiveness
(12:36):
doesn't always mean reconciliation. You can forgive and still decide
not to continue with the friendship. Focus on self care,
taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing overall by
doing activities that give you relaxation or happiness, like exercise, hobby,
(13:00):
being with your loved ones, being with some other friends,
or even seeking professional support if needed. Is important during
a time when you might feel really distressed, and consider
this a growing experience. It is an opportunity for personal
growth because reflecting on what you've learned from a situation
(13:22):
and how you can apply those lessons to future relationships
does help you actually in the future. But then you
have to think about moving forward. If a betrayal is
too severe and trust is irreparably damaged, it may be
in your best interest to distance yourself from this friend
(13:42):
and focus on building new connections with people who respect
and appreciate you. Remember that healing from a friend's betrayal
does take time, and everyone copes differently. Be patient with
yourself and allow the healing propt us to unfold naturally.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Do you have a problem I can help with If so,
email me at how Can I Help at Senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how
Can I Help with Me?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Doctor Gail's Saltz
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight, and advice. When a friend betrays us,
it can cause a range of negative emotions, shock, loss,
and grief. Even everyone has certain appropriate expectations of a friendship,
(00:47):
which basically involve trust and intimacy and mutual support and
most importantly, perhaps wanting the best for each other, which
is why a betrayal of those expectations can cause feelings
of being exploited or manipulated, or worse yet, a sense
of self doubt for you asking why me. In fact,
(01:13):
betrayal trauma can also cause negative beliefs about our own
sense of safety and trust on a wider scale, affecting
other relationships. So today I am answering a listener's question
that is about a betrayal by a friend. So what
exactly is friendship betrayal? It refers to the violation of
(01:37):
trust and loyalty within a friendship. It occurs when a
friend behaves in a way that goes against the expectations
and the mutual understanding that typically define a healthy and
supportive friendship. Betrayal in friendship can take different forms. So
there could be the when a friend lies or canals
(02:00):
important information from you, which leads to a breach of
your trust, in other words, being deceived by a friend.
There can be acting against the best interest of the
friend or the friendship by for example, spreading rumors or gossip,
a form of disloyalty. It could be suddenly withdrawing support
(02:24):
or cutting ties with a friend without some sort of
communication or explanation, basically abandonment. It could be engaging in
actions that harm the friend behind their back. Sometimes this
might be for personal gain or to increase your own
(02:44):
interest in some way, what basically friends refer to as
backstabbing and ignoring or crossing a boundary, whether it's emotional
or personal, or related to privacy. A violation of boundaries
is a form of betrayal and sharing private or sensitive
(03:07):
information that was shared with a friend in confidence explicitly,
and then breaking that trust that you put in the
friendship that betrayal of confidence is a form of betrayal.
Friendship betrayal can be emotionally challenging and painful because it
involves a breach of the emotional bonds and the shared
(03:29):
understanding between two people. Coping with betrayal involves open communication,
honest discussions, and in some cases, a willingness to forgive
and rebuild that trust. Not all friendships can or should
be repaired after a betrayal. It really depends on the
(03:50):
nature of what has happened and how often it's happened,
so an individual may choose to move on and seek
a healthier connection. So with that, let's get to my
listener's question and ask, how can I help, Dear doctor Saltz.
I have been friends with a mom in my son's
(04:12):
class for several years. I consider her a really good friend.
We talk a lot, and we do things together with
the kids, often outside of school, and I really like
her and feel that it is quite mutual. In fact,
I think of her as the closest of the friend
(04:33):
group of moms in this class, though there are other
women I'm also friends with, and she is also friends
with the other day another mutual friend of ours told
me that my good friend said some rather unkind things
about me while she was talking to another group of friends,
something about my being too uptight a mother and that
(04:57):
I need to relax and calm down more because I'm
driving my son nuts. This really hurt my feelings.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
It was mean. She has never said anything like this
to me, She has never pointed this out to me
as a problem or an issue, and that she would
say it to other moms behind my back feels like
a real betrayal of our friendship. I'm not sure what
to do because I really value our friendship, so I
(05:27):
don't want to ruin it, but I also feel really
untrusting now and frankly quite hurt. What can I do
to resolve this in a way that allows me to
keep this friend but not pretend I don't know what
she did. What you are feeling is really normal. Thinking
(05:49):
that a friend badmouthed you to others behind the scenes
is of course hurtful and angering, confusing and sad that
you all I already know you'd like to keep this
friendship makes it clear you do need to communicate with
her sooner than later, because saying nothing may allow the
(06:10):
friendship to continue along, but it won't stay at a
real friendship for you because you've lost trust, and trust
is needed in a true friendship. The thing is, it
is possible she said these things, but it is also
possible that the person who told you what she said
(06:33):
got it wrong, exaggerated, or was in some way motivated
to relay something not entirely accurate. In discussing it, you
will need to keep an open mind. I would approach
without being aggressively accusatory, instead open with something like this
(06:56):
woman told me. You mentioned I'm too uptight a mother,
and to be honest, I was surprised and bothered by
hearing that it may not be true, and I really
value our friendship, so I wanted to talk to you
about it and see what is the case and make
sure that we are on the same page in terms
(07:17):
of supporting each other as friends. Make it clear if
there is any specific problem between you two, that you'd
always like to discuss it and resolve it to keep
the friendship, and you'd hope that she would not in
the future betray the trust the two of you have.
(07:37):
If indeed she said something hurtful, you can explain this
hurts you, but you'd like to forgive that and ask
her in the future not to discuss you negatively to others,
but to come to you directly if there is a
problem or she sees an issue. Make sure you do
(07:58):
communicate your expectations of the friendship to her, what you
will do for her as well and expect her to
do for you. You can let her know that criticizing you
as a mother outright to others feels mean to you.
It is something you wouldn't and will not do to her,
(08:19):
and by understanding this, you are asking her not to
do it in the future. Hopefully she can understand both
that this made you feel bad and that you value
the friendship and are forgiving her in hopes you can
have a good friendship going forward. She may either explain
(08:41):
this isn't what she said or meant and then communication
cleared up, or that she did and she's sorry she
hurt you and will be more respectful of the relationship
going forward. She may also tell you that she wishes
she'd been able to tell you that there is some
aspect of this subject that is affecting your friendship or
(09:06):
the interaction between you both and your children. That she
does want to talk to you about You'll need to
wait and see, but keeping in mind that you want
to keep a healthy friendship with her is important in
terms of how you respond to her response. While this
may have been unkind, it's not the type of betrayal
(09:29):
that has to be a relationship ender. Sometimes a betrayal
is so horrendous or so repeated that a trust just
can't be restored, and having enough self respect to accept
that is important because staying in a totally one sided,
toxic friendship isn't good for your mental health either. But
(09:52):
this seems like one you likely can work out for
the better of the friendship. Going forward, way back in
a moment, back with some tips about friendship betrayal. Dealing
(10:16):
with a friend's betrayal can be a challenging and emotionally
taxing experience, but here are some strategies to help you
navigate through that kind of situation. Allow yourself to feel
it is natural to feel a range of emotions, from
anger to sadness, from confusion to her Allow yourself to
(10:41):
acknowledge that and experience those emotions rather than trying to
suppress them. By suppressing them, you will either continue to
put yourself in a self destructive friendship, or they will
simply burst out in an uncontrolled way, probably damaging the
friendship irrev communicate. If you feel comfortable, consider talking to
(11:07):
your friend about the betrayal. Share your feelings and concerns.
It's possible there may be a misunderstanding or a chance
for resolution through open communication. Set some boundaries decide whether
the friendship is worth salvaging, and if so, do establish
(11:28):
some clear boundaries moving forward. By clearly communicating your expectations
and what you will assure your friend, it will help
your friend understand the impact of their actions. You can
also seek support because sharing your feelings with other friends
or family members or a trusted confidante will help you
(11:51):
to feel more comfortable and help give you perspective during
this challenging time. You can reflect on them friendship by
thinking about the overall dynamics. Consider whether this betrayal is
a one time incident or really is part of a
pattern of behavior, and assess whether the friendship is healthy
(12:15):
and beneficial for you, and think about forgiveness. Forgiveness is
a personal choice and it doesn't necessarily mean condoning the betrayal.
It can be a way to release the burden of
anger and resentment for your own well being. But forgiveness
(12:36):
doesn't always mean reconciliation. You can forgive and still decide
not to continue with the friendship. Focus on self care,
taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing overall by
doing activities that give you relaxation or happiness, like exercise, hobby,
(13:00):
being with your loved ones, being with some other friends,
or even seeking professional support if needed. Is important during
a time when you might feel really distressed, and consider
this a growing experience. It is an opportunity for personal
growth because reflecting on what you've learned from a situation
(13:22):
and how you can apply those lessons to future relationships
does help you actually in the future. But then you
have to think about moving forward. If a betrayal is
too severe and trust is irreparably damaged, it may be
in your best interest to distance yourself from this friend
(13:42):
and focus on building new connections with people who respect
and appreciate you. Remember that healing from a friend's betrayal
does take time, and everyone copes differently. Be patient with
yourself and allow the healing propt us to unfold naturally.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Do you have a problem I can help with If so,
email me at how Can I Help at Senecawomen dot com.
All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday to how
Can I Help with Me?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Doctor Gail's Saltz
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