Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I Help? I'm doctor
Gail Saltz. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,
(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. In twenty nineteen, the
World Health Organization recognized burnout syndrome in its International Classification
of Diseases as an occupational condition linked to several health
symptoms like fatigue, changing sleep habits, and feeling gnome or cynical.
(00:51):
While burnout is mostly associated with the helping occupations jobs
in healthcare and also high pressure professions like law or finance,
research is suggesting that burnout can also occur not only
in other jobs, but with other life roles. We have
(01:11):
discussed before caregiver burnout, and that's usually referring to needing
to care for a very medically ill or impaired family
member like a parent, and the toll that can take
on the caregiver. But burnout is the mental and physical
fallout from accumulated stress in any sphere of life, including
(01:33):
the sphere of parenting. The first research on parental burnout
took place in the United States in the nineteen eighties,
and it focused on parents of children with tumors. More recently,
Belgian researchers theorized that while severe situations like a child
(01:54):
being sick can contribute to burnout, any parent can experience it.
They developed a measurement that's called the Parental Burnout Assessment,
and they surveyed more than nine hundred parents which they
determined to be experiencing burnout. From these parents' testimonies, the
(02:16):
researchers found four dimensions of parental burnout, exhaustion in one's
parental role, contrast with previous parental self, feelings of being
fed up with one's parental role, and emotional distancing from
one's children. Then, they studied more than seventeen hundred parents
(02:39):
in forty two countries around the world and found that
burnout varied drastically by the country based on differences in
Eastern and Western cultural values. Research done by psychologists at
the University of Melbourne found that the COVID nineteen pandemic
(03:00):
increased parental burnout significantly, with all parents reporting higher levels
of mental distress during the pandemic, but that parents of
school aged kids reported much higher rates. The researchers estimated
more than one quarter of Australia's one point five million
(03:23):
working parents with kids aged five to eleven experienced high
levels of mental stress during the pandemic, and that working
parents who were also the primary caregiver were four times
as likely to suffer as working parents who were not
simultaneously tending to their children. They found that basically, burnout
(03:48):
is the result of too much stress and the absence
of resources to cope with it, which is exactly what
occupational stress is, but in this case in guards to parenting.
The parental Burnout Assessment captures the primary symptoms of burnout,
which usually occurs in stages. The first stage is overwhelming exhaustion.
(04:15):
Depending on how old the children are, parents can experience
different types of exhaustion. Parents of young children tend to
be more physically tired, while those with adolescents or teenagers
may experience more emotional exhaustion because of the conflicts they're
having with their children. Burned Out parents present with chronic
(04:36):
stress about how they'll get everything done, which then can
disrupt their sleep and increase their anxiety and their irritability,
which then becomes this feedback loop that repeats itself daily.
Burned out parents tend to distance themselves from their kids
in order to preserve their energy. This phase is followed
(04:59):
by a third phase, when parents feel a loss of
fulfillment in their parenting. They actually want to get away
from parenting, and as with occupational burnout, parental burnout symptoms
build on one another. The phase one, exhaustion sticks around
(05:19):
through the distancing and the loss of fulfillment. Parents with
burnout typically report a contrast between the parents that they
were and the parents they would like to be and
the parents that, unfortunately they feel they have become, which
makes burned out parents feel inescapable, stress, distress, shame, and guilt.
(05:46):
While job burnout can cause many problems in people's lives,
the consequences of parental burnout are different and in many
ways harder, because, unlike a job, parents don't get paid
vacation and they can't leave their parenting role the way
that someone with occupational burnout can. Because burned out parents
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often feel trapped in their roles, they may also experience
more severe consequences than people experiencing job burnout, like intense anxiety, depression,
thoughts of escaping, and even thoughts of suicide. Burnout can
also cause parents to be violent or neglectful toward their children,
(06:32):
even when the parents are actually opposed to those behaviors,
because higher levels of coercive or punitive parenting practices might
get used when a parent has a short vieuse and
is overly stressed. Issues that were exacerbated by and have
(06:53):
also continued after the pandemic, like financial insecurity, lack of support,
and socialized are also risk factors for parental burnout. Whether
burned out parents screams at or spanks their child, this
behavior doesn't only harm the child because parents who do
(07:13):
this often feel shame, and then they obsess over their
behavioral shame, and then their fews get shorter and shorter,
and they're more likely to repeat the same behavior. Research
shows that certain populations are more prone to parental burnout.
(07:34):
The International Investigation of Parental Burnout Consortium did his study
which found that cultural norms play a big role in
predicting burnout. So, for example, parents from more individualistic societies,
which is typically Western like the US, had higher rates
(07:55):
of parental burnout than those from Eastern countries. Individualistic cultures
tend to value competition, performance perfectionism in all of these
increase stress, all the while decreasing the resources by discouraging
parents from asking for support. And while Eastern cultures typically
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prioritize children's being obedient and respectful towards elders, Western cultures
commonly assert values of self improvement or independence, which means
that children can be less likely to follow the instructions
of their parents. People already experiencing multiple stressors, like single parents,
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or parents who have special needs children, or immigrant parents,
may also have a lower threshold for increasing stress because
of the ongoing demands that are special to their parenting.
Compounding individual risk factorsdemic oppression can further heighten that vulnerability,
(09:04):
meaning that parents of color face even more strain and
less protective effects of financial security and also less social support.
And parents who had their own very lacking childhoods due
to poor parenting or abandonment or trauma may feel so
(09:25):
ill equipped in their own parenting that it also increases
their stress. So with that, right after the break, we'll
get to my listener's question, welcome back, Let's get to
(09:49):
my listener's question and see how can I help.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Dear doctor Saults. We could not wait to have a baby,
and it took us several years to conceive, so we
were waiting a long time. I had been nothing but
joyful about being a mom until my son turned two.
I know everyone talks about the terrible twos, and I
(10:13):
get it that this is a harder time. But I
cannot believe how exhausting this is, how constant it is,
how unrelenting. He seems to not need a lot of sleep,
is high energy, is constantly getting into things, wants to
be doing something at all times. There seems to be
(10:35):
no off switch. I am bone tired, and to be honest,
I've lost my joy at having a baby. In fact,
I've lost a lot of sleep. I've lost any time
for myself, any moments to relax and recharge. I've also
lost my patience and feel very grumpy and irritable. As
(10:58):
my husband has often noted, I am liking myself less
and less and feel really badly that I am not
the kind of mom I thought I would be, and
have some very mixed feelings about being a mom at all.
Sometimes the feeling is get me out of here. Obviously
(11:20):
there is no getting out of here, but I think
I've got to do something because I can't just leave
myself feeling this way. The truth is there are probably
a lot of moms listening to this question and thinking
they can relate to it. Parenting young children is really exhausting,
(11:41):
both physically and emotionally. They do need a good deal
of constant care and attention, and yet as they are
figuring out they actually have agency and independence. They can
toddle off and make more messes, take more risk, make
more demands. So it's true that two year olds are
(12:05):
a handful. This means that everyone, every mom needs some
sort of support and respite or she will suffer from
parental burnout, which is what you are describing. You sound
in an earlier stage of burnout, actually, because while you
are miserable, you still feel very connected and caring. In
(12:31):
a late stage of burnout, one can stop caring, and
that is especially concerning. It is very important that you
treat yourself like you are having a syndrome, the syndrome
of burnout, and this means that you need to get
support and respite some of the time. It really does
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take a village, and that doesn't mean you are any
less of a mom. You must build into your day
some sort of off time, some time that you exercise,
take a warm bath, read something you like, meet up
with a friend. You have options to consider. You might
(13:15):
ask your partner to take your son. You might make
a deal with a friend where you watch theirs and
they watch yours for an hour to get a break.
You can pay a babysitter to come for two hours
to build in a break, or even take your son
to occasional day care you feel good about to have
a break. Add in some sort of daily coping tools
(13:38):
to decrease stress levels all around for yourself. Stick your
son in a jogger and go for a run, or
go for a walk in the woods to be in nature.
Take ten minutes to start your day with slow pacede
deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation to calm and distress
(13:58):
your body. You don't mention your partner's role in sharing
the labor, but sometimes your partner needs to share. And
that doesn't just mean be together with you and your son,
but rather swap and take your son's solo while you
do something else that gives you a break. It's also
(14:21):
good to talk to other moms to share how you
feel and find out how un alone you actually are.
This can be a big source of relief in itself.
This could be a mom, friend, a family member, but
also it can be a support group or a therapist.
(14:41):
Therapy can help with feelings of burnout, even though it's
not a psychiatric diagnosis. I hope that was helpful. Parental
burnout can hit particularly hard because, unlike occupational burnout, it's
not always possible to take a fai, which may leave
(15:01):
you feeling like you can't escape the stressor rather than
fixating on the big stressors like I have this child,
rebalancing the changeable ones that contribute to your feelings of
exhaustion over time is really the way to go. So
if the chore lists exhaust you, offload a few jobs
(15:23):
to your partner or, for that matter, to your kids.
If a child's constant activities are becoming a big burden,
cut down on the commitments, schedule car pools with other parents.
It's important to be flexible and create balance and change
those smaller things. Add to your parenting skills because it
(15:46):
will help you with burnout. So building your parental toolbox,
because burnout is marked by a disconnect in how you're
parenting now who you were before, and growing parenting skills
can give parents a sense of efficacy in decreasing parenting
related stressors. So, for example, look into local seminars, ask
(16:12):
about mental health and parenting resources at your child's school,
or even finding a therapist who uses behavioral training programs
for parenting specifically, because the more effective you become, the
more tools you have, the less stressed you will actually be.
(16:32):
Stop saying you should about everything. Research suggests that parents
who are perfectionistic and put more pressure on themselves have
higher rates of burnout, so finding practical ways to relieve
pressure reduces that. But unrealistic expectations make our load feel bigger.
(16:54):
They are really some of the first things you need
to step off of. So avoid should statements to yourself,
which really just add shame, and instead say things like
it would be great if I had more energy to
play with my child instead of I really should. That
reframing helps you deal with the reality rather than what
(17:19):
you think you should be doing, and that's really the
best that you can do. You want to build in
small breaks, micro breaks self care is really important from
recovering from any kind of burnout, but it's not necessarily
realistic to plan a total kid free getaway, for example,
(17:41):
to recover. So even mini breaks like locking the door
in the bathroom for five minutes to take some deep breaths,
or sitting in your car to listen to a guided meditation,
that kind of thing, that little break can help make
a difference. It might not be a whole weekend, and
(18:02):
sometimes it might not even be an hour, but even
just a few minutes to do something that takes your
stress level down can be helpful. And try to think
about meaning. What are the meaningful aspects of parenting to you?
We can get really lost in the day to day drudgery,
(18:26):
and it's important to instead carve out special moments with
your kids that remind you that parenting can be fulfilling.
For example, a low stakes activity like going to the
park or watching a favorite movie to do it together
and reminding yourself in the experience or after the experience
(18:49):
that this is actually what you enjoy about parenting. This
is why it matters to you that you are a parent.
Remember the meaning that you felt in the past as
a parent before you felt so burnout and use that
to try to get back to it and to try
to think through how you can avoid so much exhaustion
(19:10):
and in turn resentment. Parenting, like any realm of life,
can be both difficult and rewarding, and sometimes the feelings
of resentment or shame or guilt do come up because
we do live in a society that says, and I
would add wrongly, that we should love our kids unconditionally,
(19:31):
every minute, all the time, and that if we're frustrated,
somehow we're bad parents, but that you love your child
and acknowledge parenting as something very difficult can really also
be true at the same time, and after all, we
are parents, but we are only human.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Do you have a problem I can help with? If so,
email me yet how can I help? At Seneca women
dot Com. All centers remain anonymous and listen every Friday
to how can I help with me? Doctor Gale's Saltz