Why Some Moms Hate Mother’s Day—and How to Make the Day Really Rewarding

It’s supposed to be all about appreciation—but too often Mother’s Day means that mom is doing all the work and all the cleanup. Dr. Saltz reveals how mothers can ask for and get what they really need: A day that leaves them happy, relaxed and feeling loved.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
These are challenging times, but you don't have to navigate
them alone. Welcome to how can I help? I'm Dr
Gail Salt. I'm a clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at
the New York Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and best selling author,
and I'm here every week to answer your most pressing questions,

(00:26):
hopefully with understanding, insight and advice. Mother's Day is a
celebration of you, mom, the day of expressing appreciation for
all the amazing stuff you do for your children and partner.
The other three hundred sixty four days of the year

(00:48):
when there is a celebration of you, a giving of thanks.
What matters is how you most appreciate being appreciated, and
it's probably no one size fits all, which is why
some discussion ahead of time of what types of things
thematically would make you feel the most appreciated is important.

(01:13):
Many a Mother's Day has been spoiled by appreciation for
you that has been overshadowed by the gigantic mess made
that you are supposed to clean up by the little
folks doing things supposedly to appreciate you but really meant
to appreciate them. With Mother's Day approaching. I caught a

(01:36):
question from a mom listener, and I will answer in
a little bit. So in preparing for Mother's Day, it
can be more enjoyable if you mom give the day
a little fun. So first up, be honest with yourself
about what would help you feel loved, understood, appreciate, and relax.

(02:01):
Moms are always putting their kids kneeds before them, thinking
of what will work for everyone else, that it takes
concerted effort to think about what will really please mom. First.
You don't need to script the day, but it would
help you to think about how much time do I
want for myself doing something specific, having unstructured time doing

(02:28):
something I specially enjoy. Having everyone else do tasks that
I normally do, perhaps doing self care and even luxuriating
and asking to not be prepping for or cleaning up
from the celebrating of me. Having a party for your

(02:49):
extended mom family may or may not be a source
of pleasure. Be honest with yourself about that. Having kids
make breakfast in bed maybe delightful. If your partner cleans
the kitchen disaster up afterwards, tell your partner what you

(03:10):
would most appreciate. Ask your partner to tell the kids.
If you don't have a partner, talk directly to your kids. Next,
it's really important to drop the guilt. Moms are the
world's best experts at owning guilt for everything. Asking kids

(03:32):
to do things for you is normal, It's reasonable. It
teaches them about reciprocity and a relationship and that the
world can't revolve around them. Seven Asking your partner to
take care of it one way or another is normal

(03:53):
and reasonable. Telling your mom you're wiped out and don't
want to put on a big affair or for her
is also reasonable. Being selfish for a day isn't selfish.
It's self love and self care. And self love allows

(04:13):
you to recharge and later to care for others. So,
in terms of things to do, I suggest first, pick
a brings you pleasure, thing like eating dinner at a
restaurantching a movie, walking on the beach, something you and

(04:34):
perhaps you alone, deem fun. Pick a brings you relaxation,
thing like your partner runs you a bubble bath and
takes the kids away. You do a session of yoga
or meditation, You go get a pedicure and foot massage.

(04:55):
This may all be without kids, so that you can
really relax and then pick a words of expression thing.
By this, I mean tell your kids you really enjoy
a card where they express it their feelings to you
as their mom. Maybe it's a picture or a drawing

(05:16):
if they're young. It's certainly not what Hallmark said, but
maybe they tell you why they love having you or
most appreciated about you as their mom. It's not unusual
for kids to really articulate their feelings to you about you,
and it's amongst the most pleasurable things to hear, so

(05:40):
why shouldn't you have that. It's also really nice to
hear your partner tell you how they feel about you
being their co parenting partner and their child's mom. Maybe
they don't write it down, maybe they just tell you,
but it's really nice to hear that day and emphasize

(06:03):
that it will not bring you pleasure to spend Monday
cleaning up. The celebration of you on Sunday. Mother's Day
should leave you with a reminder, through the good times
and the bad, that even when it doesn't feel like
it in the moment, your children appreciate and love you

(06:23):
and feel grateful you're their mom that they made an
effort to show you how much, and in doing so,
remind you yourself that this job, as hard as it is,
it is one that has lifelong benefits and you wouldn't
trade it for anything. So with that, right after the break,

(06:46):
we'll get to my listeners question. Welcome back. Let's get
to my listeners question and see how can I help

(07:08):
dear doctor sons. Last year for Mother's Day, my kids
and husband made me breakfast in bed and demolish the
kitchen in the process, and I spent the later part
of the morning cleaning up that disaster because my parents
and my in laws were coming over for a Mother's
Day dinner which I had to prepare and clean up from.

(07:32):
And to be honest, I was so totally exhausted and
wished none of it happened, and thoroughly did not enjoy
my Mother's Day. In fact, I felt resentful that Mother's
Day means more work for mother once again. It seemed
as though I am in for a repeat this year,

(07:55):
and honestly, I don't know what to do. I don't
want to let anyone and down my kids, my mother,
but I also see that I'm headed for another day
of resentment. Is there a way to not be a
party pooper but still enjoy Mother's Day. Yes, indeed, there

(08:17):
is some of the answer to that comes from within
being honest with yourself about what you'd like and then
implementing that well ahead of time. From without, being a
martyr for Mother's Day not only doesn't help you, it

(08:37):
doesn't help the people you think you're pleasing around you,
because your resentment affects your relationships and likely comes out
in passive, aggressive ways. There is no reason that your husband,
your kids, and your mom can't understand that having a
celebration of you as a mom doesn't feel very appreciative

(09:01):
if the end result is you doing more. Since this
may come down to your husband, I'd really start with
a conversation with him that if you and he think
making you breakfast in bed is wonderful, great, but then
either he and the kids clean it all up or

(09:22):
they go out and get you breakfast and bring it
home to you in bed. That if he wants his
mom to be with him for Mother's Day, that he
do the lion share of the effort to making it
happen and cleaning it up. This can be accomplished by
switching to a potluck style. Everyone bring a dishirt too,

(09:42):
and we just host. He can be the chef du jour,
or he can go get some pizzas or such to
have a casual but fun get together without a lot
of fuss. No doubt, he is used to you taking
up the mantle and kind of doing everything, and if
you always do, he has little knowledge that you'd like

(10:05):
to change and little incentive to initiate one himself. Explaining
how you feel and felt and how it makes you feel.
To essentially be the workhorse of the day that is
supposed to be a day you are shown appreciation doesn't
make you feel appreciated. He can tell his mom what

(10:28):
to bring, and you can tell yours that you're wiped
and what you'd love her to bring. But even more,
perhaps you'd like to think of some portion of the
day that really is just for you. There is no
law that you have to do the entire family thing,
where the all kids thing all day. Maybe a gift

(10:52):
for you would be that your kids let you have
noon to find to do as you please, to watch Netflix,
to lax in a bubble bath, to get a massage,
go for a bike ride, go to a movie, theater
by yourself, read a book, think about what would be
super relaxing. Moms rarely get time to themselves to do

(11:15):
what they want to do, having nothing to do with
what everyone around them wants to do. Mother's Day is
a great day. Give yourself that time. Doing this will
no doubt decrease your resentment and even make you happy
to know that when push comes to shove, they can

(11:36):
get on just fine, even if you are not there
fixing everything for them. Tell your partner, children, and even
your mom what means a lot to you is hearing
or reading their expressions of love and appreciation. Really, it
is the emotional communication that makes most people feel real good,

(12:01):
more so than material gifts or meal preparations. That explaining
how you feel rose your closeness, and that the gift
of some time for yourself is a huge gift. Indeed,
they may just believe erroneously that they need to do
the big mess breakfast, when actually cards with their self

(12:24):
written feelings would mean even more so. First, have a
heart to heart with yourself what would you most enjoy
in your perfect Mother's Day world? Then share with your
partner what that would be and how they can brain
storm ways to make that happen and be the messenger

(12:45):
to his mom and the kids. You also can tell
the kids what brings you pleasure not cleaning a messy kitchen,
and how good it would make you feel to treat
yourself this day. Being loving and honest is a good
model for them going forward to not have to be

(13:05):
a martyr or a doormat to be a mom. I
hope that was helpful. Even in two thousand and twenty two,
women still remain both primary caretakers of kids and of homes,
doing at least seventyent of home care. This is true
despite the fact that most of them worked too. In addition,

(13:29):
women experience a clinical depression and anxiety disorders twice as
often as men. Part of the reason for this is
that women are expected to take care of everything, and
this creates chronic stress, which leads to depression and anxiety.
It is important for women to maintain reasonable self care

(13:52):
year round to deal with what otherwise becomes burnout and
chronic stress. To diminish stress, self care includes sleep. Getting
seven to nine hours of sleep and night is essential
for mood and mental health and well being. If you
have a night or two of lesleep, you need to

(14:14):
make it up with a little extra the next night.
Providing yourself with a good atmosphere for sleep is important,
a dark, cool, quiet, with the clock turned around atmosphere.
It's good to teach children to be able to settle
themselves to sleep in their own beds, which improves sleep

(14:35):
for both mom and kids. Exercise. A recent study found
that any exercise, even fifteen minutes of brisk walking per day,
reduces rates of depression. Exercise reduces stress, anxiety, and boots mood.
It's not a luxury, it's a necessity for your mental

(14:57):
and physical health, and you and teach your kids how
important it is by modeling it three or four times
a week. Find something you like well enough to do,
or at least walk briskly outside for fifteen to thirty minutes.
Supportive relationships. Having relationships does take some time, but no

(15:21):
woman is an island, and support and intimacy with others
helps with psychological health a lot. So this can be
your partner, but hopefully it's also some friends and other
family take time to talk to them. Moms need play
dates too, but your play date might be a walk,

(15:44):
a manicure, together, a snack, with your children a phone call.
Build and keep a network of people you can really
be yourself with and talk to about how you're feeling.
Have a coping toolbox, meaning have a few things that
do help distress you that you can practice by yourself

(16:06):
in your life. This might be paste, deep breathing, meditation,
taking a warm bath in the evening, listening to relaxing music,
writing down your feelings, watching a funny sitcom. When stress
is building, whip out more tools and practice them more often.

(16:27):
Practicing preventive mental health care by distressing and mood lifting
helps prevent becoming overwhelmed and descending into poor mental health.
Avoid self medicating with daily alcohol or other drug use.
Know the warning signs. It's important that everyone in your

(16:48):
family have some psycho education about the red flags of depression, anxiety,
substance abuse, and burnout, because knowing what denotes more than
a crumby day or a stressful week can help you
go for an evaluation and early treatment for any family
member for a mental health issue, and this will make

(17:11):
recovery quicker. Do you have a problem I can help with?
If so, email me yet How can I help? At
Seneca women dot com All centers remain anonymous and listen
every Friday too. How can I help with me Dr
Gail's Salts