February 19, 2025 • 42 mins
Jennifer Fessler of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” is telling all about her decision to separate and then reconcile with her husband Jeff.
When you reunite after a separation, should you renew your vows in the I Do Part 2 era?
Plus, essential advice if you're getting back together after separating from your spouse.
She’s giving you hope and inspiration if you’re looking to make your marriage work.
Email us at: IDOPOD@iheartradio.com or call us at 844-4-I Do Pod (844-443-6763)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hi, guys, welcome back to I Do Part two, the
podcast for people that maybe got love wrong the first time,
or the second time, or the third or fourth time,
and now find themselves back out there looking for love.
My name is Jennifer Fessler, and you may or may
not know me from the Housewives of New Jersey. I
(00:33):
also have a podcast that I co host with Jackie
Goldschander from the Housewives of New Jersey. It's called Two
Jersey Jays, and I am honored to the hosting I
Do Part two today. I'm a huge fan of all
of the founders of this podcast, Amy Robot, TJ. Holmes,
(00:54):
Jenny Garth, Jenna Kramer. I know you guys know them,
and I also am a big fan of the open
and honest and telling your story. And I don't know,
I feel privileged to have been asked to tell mine.
I hope that you guys who are listening can relate
to some of it. It is like every other story.
(01:15):
It is a sad story, sometimes difficult to tell, but
ultimately the good news is it has a very happy ending.
You know, I spoke about my love story, my marriage.
I spoke about it on Housewives a little bit in
season thirteen, maybe even into season fourteen, but not really
(01:39):
the details of it. So I'm just going to share.
You know, I've been married for twenty five years, and
two of those years were really really difficult, and actually
my husband and I separated. But I'm getting way ahead
of myself, so I will give you a little bit
of information just about me. I grew up as the
(02:03):
product of divorce, for sure. So my parents divorced when
I was three years old, and so I you know,
I don't remember that heart of my life, really, but
I can tell you that they both got remarried, and
they both got divorced again and remarried, and then my
(02:28):
second stepfather passed away. I have a third stepfather now,
and my steck at my dad got divorced again and
then married again and divorced again. So I am certainly
an expert when it comes to parents getting divorced. And
you would think that my own experience, well, I'm sure
(02:50):
it was affected by that, but you would think that
that would have been really helpful. But when I was
separated and considering divorce, but everything is God. You know,
you do the best you can during difficult times. But
so my childhood was not idyllic by any stretch of
(03:11):
the imagination. My parents didn't speak to each other. There
really wasn't like a co parenting situation. I lived my
mom when she got remarried. We moved to Sugarland, Texas
of all places, and my dad was living in New
York City, and I guess you know, we went. I
(03:31):
have sister. I have one sister through my dad and
my mom. I have two brothers from my dad and
a stepmother who's no longer my stepmother. And then I
have a sister from my father and his third wife.
That sister is actually younger than my daughter. It's a
whole dysfunctional, fed up mess. But anyway, so I come
(03:56):
from a lot of chaos, and my parents and certainly
did not get along. They didn't really speak, and we
were shuttled back and forth a lot of craziness. So
you know, when I met my husband, I well, first
of all, I was dying to have babies and get married,
(04:17):
even after all of the chaos that you know I
had been through as a kid. I really that biological
clock was kicking. I met Jeff and I was the
director of a dating service called It's Just Lunch and
the premise behind It's Just Lunch I actually think it
still exists, was that professionals are really, really busy and
(04:41):
nobody has time for dinner, necessarily on a first date,
and how about we just meet up for lunch or
a drink, see if there's a spark and move on.
So I was the director and which was really a
crazy job, but that's for another episode. I was the
(05:02):
director of this dating service and trying to get my
numbers up and get people to join, and reached out
to uh, Jeff Fessler because he had been a client
before I got there and his membership had expired. So
called him up one day and my name is Jen
and I would love to meet you. I know you
(05:22):
were a member and your membership has expired. And he's like, no,
thank you. It wasn't great for me, I'm not interested.
And being Jeff Fesslor, I was able to persuade him
and you know, you haven't met me yet. I'm the
new director, and I think that you know, you can
have a different experience anyway, So he came in like
that afternoon.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
And he joined. He joined again.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
But the interesting part of that was that he said,
you know you have all these questions you have to ask,
like what are you looking for? What are you looking for?
You know, mentally, emotionally, physically, and he's like, what am
I looking for?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Looking mirror?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
And if you know Jeff, if any of you've ever
watched The Housewives or seen him on it, he's that's
not really his personality. He's he's very introverted, sort of shy.
And so I didn't realize at the time what a
big deal that was. But so I said, no, sorry,
I have a boyfriend, which I didn't. I was not
attracted to him, not that he wasn't attractive. I just
(06:23):
didn't have a spark, and not to mention the fact
that I was, you know, I was working for this
company and really shouldn't be dating my clients. But that
was probably second to the fact that I didn't think.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
There was a connection.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Anyway, he was very persistent and started calling me at
work and please, let's get together. We can just be friends,
and like, I just it's funny because I met him
for a drink and he walked into we had a
drink at the Four Seasons on fifty seventh Street. Anyway,
(06:58):
he walked in and I thought, not for me. Jeff
is five five. He likes to say he's five six.
And the only thing I cared about for sure at
that time when people would fix me up on blind
dates was that he had to be tall, because I
always had sort of like this complex about being a
bigger girl, and you know, careful what you wish for,
and what is that saying? We wait, we do something,
(07:22):
and God laughs, we plan and God laughs. Anyway, but
we became friends, but he was always still interested and
I wasn't. But we played that little game and still
hung out, and eventually I told him i'd fix him up.
You know, I am the director of this dating service,
(07:43):
So come in and we'll talk, and I'll show you
some pictures of some of the women and tell me
who you like. And so he did that, and the
second he started to pick out those women that he liked,
I started to get really annoyed and I was like,
excuse me, you are in love with me?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
What is happening here?
Speaker 1 (08:00):
So I started to feel something for Jeff, and at
the time, I was dating someone else. Trying to kind
of wrap this up pretty quickly this part of the story,
you guys, but long story short on one particular day
I kissed the guy I was dating, and I kissed
Jeff Fessler, and I was.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Wait a second, it's Jeff Fessler. It is not this guy.
And very quickly I was like, wait, wait, wait, I
love Jeff Fessler. And very quickly after that we were engaged.
Very quickly after that, we were married. Very quickly after that,
we were pregnant. And so once I realized that he
(08:39):
was the one, he had kind of figured it out
before I did. I just I was like, you know, amen,
let's go, let's start. Let's get this part of my life,
rolling the family, the house in the suburbs, all of
it was.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
It was so.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Exciting that time in my life. And you know, we'd
been really really close friends for a while, and once that,
once I kind of crossed over into falling in love
with Jeff, it was of course, it was more exciting
and different. But the basis of our relationship was always
(09:18):
that we were best friends. And today I would tell
you that that is the most important part of me
and Jeff Fessler. I mean, we are family and he
is everything to me. But I just I had that
with him always. I still have it today, and I
tell my kids all the time how important that is
(09:40):
to not just fall in love and have you know,
all of the pheromones and the hormones and the you know,
sparks and that kind of a sexual connection. But also
I really like the person you decide to spend your
life with right and to respect that person. And I
(10:02):
felt all of that for Jeff Fessler. So we get married,
and we do the newlywed thing, we do the new
parents thing, and four months after we got married, I
was pregnant and gave birth to my son in two thousand.
(10:23):
In two thousand and two, I gave birth to my daughter, and.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Was you know, just.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
I don't want to say playing that role. It's not
it's really not the way it felt. I was living
that life. I was just everything was about, you know,
the babies and Jeff and our new family. And I
guess like seven years into the marriage, well, things probably
started to change before that. Maybe they started to change
(10:53):
a little bit year five. I don't know, but I
I started hanging out with friends who loved going out
on Thursday nights in my town and we would go
out to whatever local restaurant or bar and we would
drink and we would flirt with guys and there wasn't
anything specific happening. I wasn't I didn't have an affair,
(11:16):
but I sort of like started to check out a
little bit and I started to crave that attention that
I did for years from men. I had lots of
daddy issues, but I always felt the need to draw
a man's attention. And you know the beginning when you
have little babies, I wasn't feeling that as much, and
(11:39):
then all of a sudden, I was like I started
to started to need attention from men again, and so
it was kind of like a thing. I mean, I
don't know how I found this group of women that
also wanted to go out on Thursday nights. Because you know,
my best friends who are still my best friends today,
(12:00):
a lot of them have been divorced, but there are
some of them that didn't really crave that. I don't
know if that's just where I was at in my
life and Jeff and I were not connecting. He was
working crazy long hours. He was an associate who was
trying to make partner and at a law firm as
(12:20):
a lawyer, and so he was traveling all the time
and you know, I used to with the kids and
another friend of mine know, his husband was traveling all
the time. We always said we were like sister wives,
and it was like, you know, four kids together and
the two of us getting them through anyway. So I
(12:42):
was out there as my point and my marriage was
definitely not my priority at that time, and it wasn't
for Jeff either, and so, you know, we were just
not connecting. We were not connecting on an emotional level,
and we were not connecting on a physical level. And
(13:02):
eventually I discovered at about year seven, I guess that
Jeff had an affair, and yeah, that was that was
a hard day. Podcast is not long enough for me
to get into all of the details of it all,
but I will tell you that it was a very
(13:22):
strange thing. This woman that Jeff was involved with and
I had this conversation and I don't know, I knew
almost immediately that something was up. But that's not the
point of this whole big picture story. But I, as
you would expect, completely lost my mind. I'm saying all
(13:44):
of this to you first about my going out on
Thursday nights and the headspace I was in because I
do believe that if it was just a matter of
time before it was me. And so everybody, you know,
got so much feedback and advice, and I remember, just
like my mom saying, how could you stay with him?
(14:06):
But I guess I knew there was a part of
me that knew that that not only does it take
too But I almost felt lucky that it was him first,
because I could place all the blame on him. But
I had been flirting with other guys and whatever. I
know that I was headed in that direction. Once I
(14:35):
discovered that Jeff had had an affair, we probably spent
I guess about a year still together. And this summer
after it happened, I said to him, I'm going to
Florida because I'd had lots of friends in Florida. My
sister was in Florida. I'm taking the kids for the summer,
(14:55):
and I just need some space. This was not a separation,
This was just I just want to go to Florida.
I want to, you know, be by my friends, be
by my sister. Found a little rental, went to Florida,
and not only found a little rental, found myself a
little boyfriend. And so the end of that summer I'll
(15:17):
never forget. Jeff came to visit and I told him
that I wanted a separation. And it's interesting because I
remember when he came to visit and we actually took
the kids to Disney, and when he left, I just
will never forget my son, just being so distraught. I
(15:38):
want to go home, I want daddy. You know, I
didn't factor in when I got separated. I guess because
I had been through so much divorce. I didn't factor
and how hard it was going to be, not only
on my kids, but to watch my kids in that
kind of pain. You know, they weren't. My parents were
divorced when I was three, and then they got divorced
again and again and again and again, and so you know,
(16:02):
my mind, kids are resilient, but it was a whole
other level of difficult. And you know, I think probably
every mother and father feels that. Right when heard it
said that, like when you're getting divorced, you get to
the point if you go through with your divorce, where
nothing matters except that you can't be with this person
(16:24):
anymore because it's so hard. It's so hard, especially if
you have kids. Well it's hard even if you don't, obviously,
but it's so hard to watch your kids go through
this with you, and so I guess I think a
lot of people get to the point where they're like, Okay, listen,
the kids are resilient. I don't care about the money,
(16:44):
I don't care about being alone. I just can't be
in this marriage anymore. But that was not the case
with me or Jeff. So but I had this boyfriend,
and I was convinced that, you know, it was time
and that I on it a divorce. So I went
back to Jersey and Jeff moved out and he moved
(17:05):
into New York City and was distraught, I have to say,
and the boyfriend, my boyfriend at the time, moved to
Jersey from Florida. I did so many things wrong, you guys,
that I wouldn't not do again and that I'm sorry for,
even though in the end there's a happy ending. But
(17:29):
you know, I was so caught up in this feeling
of my heart racing from this guy, and you know,
he's a nice guy.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
He was a very nice guy.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
And this passion that I was feeling and that just
took over in a way, and I would have I
had to do it again, I would have slowed things
way down and I would have, you know, potentially just happened.
It all seemed to happen so fast, and him moving
(17:59):
to New Jersey and introducing him to my kids and
you know, them forming a relationship. So you know, you
live and learn. And the thing is, though, you know,
Jeff and I were separated for a year and a
half going on two. But the whole time we were separated,
(18:20):
we just didn't seem to move forward in the divorce proceedings.
So we got a mediator, and which was an easy
choice to make because there wasn't a lot of animosity
there anything. There was just like I just felt so
sad and so badly because Jeff really did not want
(18:42):
to get divorced, although we did. He got a girlfriend also,
but we would like I don't know, there was no
screaming at each other over money. I remember at one
point I said to him, listen, I'm not worried. I
don't we don't need a lawyer because I know you,
I know your heart, I know what kind of father
you are. I'm not at all worried that you're gonna
(19:03):
screw me. I trust you, and I'm sure that people
everywhere friends I don't remember at the time, they were
probably like, you're you're a freaking idiot. But I just
I knew him. I know Jeff Wessler, and so we
didn't like, we weren't at each other's throats. When the
kids would call UH to complain about I don't know
daddy said this or Daddy did that. I was sort
(19:25):
of like, honey, you died the wrong number. Do not
complain about your father to me. And you know, he
was the same. We were just very respectful of each
other and sad and just very very sad. And eventually
there's a lot that that went down. But eventually we
(19:47):
were both on vacation. Jeff took the kids to beaches
in Jamaica maybe and I at that time went to
Saint Bart's, very glamorous with my boyfriend. And the whole
time I was there, I was so sad. And it
had nothing to do with this guy. Again, perfectly lovely, guy,
(20:10):
treated me very well, but I just missed my family.
And when I would talk to Jeff and the kids,
you know, and they were in a whole different they
were at all inclusive, and I don't know I was
at this glamorous hotel, it was like, you know, a
fortune and hob nobbing with the rich and famous, and
all I wanted to do was like be at the
(20:31):
buffet at beaches in Jamaica, and I just, I guess
I just missed Jeff. I just missed him terribly. So
got back from vacation and would like lie to my
boyfriend and tell him I was going to go into mediation.
And meanwhile I was like meeting Jeff at Chili's and
(20:51):
just talking, and you know, he was so certain that
we were making a mistake the whole time, and I
think I was. I also, I knew in my heart
that it was a mistake, because again, it's not easy
to get divorced. I think that most people, maybe not everyone,
but most people that do, they're they're pretty positive, right,
(21:14):
And I just didn't want to live my life without Jeffessler.
And there were so many reasons for it. Jeff Fessler
made and makes me feel safe and makes me feel peaceful.
I heard said this maybe mel Robbins said something once.
It resonated with me, and it was that he's, like
(21:35):
she said, don't wish to fall madly in love, wish
to fall peacefully in love. And I know, like at
the beginning of any relationship, there's the sparks fly, and
there's all of that energy, and you know, excitement and
crazy sex and all of that, not always but hopefully.
(21:57):
But I would say, and I have said to my kids,
all of that after a while, it's not that it
goes away entirely, but life gets real. And so that
did definitely dissipate for us that excitement and life got real,
and I think that we both were looking for that
excitement again as opposed to looking to each other to
(22:19):
find it and to put it back into our marriage.
I say all this to you, by the way, I'm
not a marriage counselor this is just I'm just this
is just you know, my experience. But we again, we
went to Chili's and then it was Valentine's Day and
he bought me these little earrings and it was like, okay, enough,
(22:41):
this is clearly we are not ready to get divorced.
But we also knew that we couldn't get back together
and then have it happen again. Right, you can't do
that to your kids again. So we had long conversations
and I just knew that I didn't want to live
my life without Jeff Fessler it not only in it,
(23:03):
but you know, as my husband, and so we made
that decision and try again. I remember we went my
kids always went to Sleepway Camp and we went to
visiting day and we sat down and we're like, you know,
we have to tell you something.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
We are getting back together.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
And I just remember them staring at us and like
it was like you, guys, I promise, I promise you,
this is not going to happen again. And I don't
remember the exact words that I use, but you know
they were confused, of course, and happy, of course. And
we sold our house because it was just time for
(23:45):
a fresh start and same town, moved into a new
house and actually we're in our third house here in
Upper Saltle River where we live, and we started again.
So let me just say, of all, I am not
suggesting that anyone following the path that Jefffessler and I did,
(24:06):
and I'm not saying that separation for sure is the answer.
I can only speak from my own experience and say
that things changed, and they changed for better. It's funny
because in my town, like a lot of small suburban towns,
everybody talks, right. So like when we got separated, everybody talked.
(24:26):
When you know, everybody knew about our infidelity, and everybody
knew when I had the new boyfriend and whatever. But
when we got back together, I think that's probably when
people started talking the most. And I started getting phone
calls from a lot of women confidentially reaching out and saying, listen,
(24:47):
I you know whatever, I really am not I want
to get separated, but I'm not sure I want to
get divorced or women that were separated, and how'd you
do it?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
What did you do?
Speaker 1 (24:57):
How did you manage to get back together? And I
don't even know, and I didn't know then. I really
don't know now if there's a clear cut answer. I
just I couldn't divorce him. I thank God because I
feel blessed every day that our marriage survived and that,
you know, our family is intact. But I just didn't
(25:24):
have that conviction. I guess that I wanted to live
without my husband, and we were both humble enough to also.
We went to therapy, of course, and I admit our
mistakes and talk about the infidelities and talk about, you know,
where things went wrong and how we took each other
for granted, and so yeah, so we got back together
(25:50):
and life began again. We've been married for twenty five years,
and so I'll tell you that my marriage is not perfect,
and I am certainly not perfect. I am the biggest
pain in the ass. Jeff is close to perfect. I
(26:12):
would say that he's an amazing father, and he is
an amazing man, just a good man. If any of
you at there are Jewish or no, the word mentch,
that's what Jeff is.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Good man.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
And I'm very lucky and he puts up with a
lot of shit. I am messy, I am at times lazy, cranky, nasty,
and my husband is very very patient. He's not perfect either,
(26:46):
so let me say that. And he can also drive
me crazy. But I see in him I feel it
has this. I feel lucky all the time, I feel
like very I feel just very lessed. So fast forward,
I guess all these years, I will tell you that
(27:10):
Jeff and I are not We are not guided by
this spar I use that word. I hope you guys
relate to it. In other words, we ain't hanging from
the chandeliers, right, We're not like And that's not to
say that I'm not trying to put down our sex
(27:33):
life or our connection. I'm just trying to be real
and tell you that those things are good, but they
are not we are I am fifty six, Jeff is
sixty two years old. So that is not our priority.
And people, you know a lot of people would disagree
with me and do disagree with me that that has
to be a huge priority, right, sex and date night
(27:56):
and connection, and we're together all the time obviously, but
I don't know that our marriage is based on that stuff.
And that's not to say I don't know if it's good, bad,
or I don't know. I'm just this is what is
for us, and we are to this day. We are
best friends. We are parents of these, you know, two
(28:17):
incredible people. And you know, my sister has been through
divorce and many many of my friends have. But she
always says to me that she's specifically because of the kids.
She's I don't know, jealous is the right word. She's
my sister, but she wishes that she had family unit
and that it's so nice to you know, be able
(28:40):
to eat together, the four of us after all of
these years, and so I feel very very lucky about that.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
No one will love to love your kids as much
as your as much as their father or their mother.
You know, you're whoever you made them with, and nobody's
ever going to be as invested right as the two
of you. But things are different now, oh god, they
(29:09):
are so different now, certainly than before we were separated.
But even you know, over the years things have changed
and we're getting older, and so you know, when people
ask about the state of my marriage, like, I always
talk about the stuff that I love about it. I mean,
I can tell you things I don't love about it,
but the things that I love about it. So I
(29:34):
love going on vacation with Jeff Essler. We've traveled a
lot together, and what I love about it is that
we've developed this rhythm and we kind of like he
knows and I know exactly when we go on vacation.
We plan it all around the three meals every day.
Where are we eating breakfast, luncheon, dinner. And we are
(29:56):
like when I say foodies, I don't mean we're fancy,
We're not, but we are both well, that's what we
care about the most is where are we eating? Of course,
the sight seeing, of course, seeing different places, meeting different people,
but there's a limit to that. Because we know that
we know that I'm done after the morning of sight seeing,
(30:17):
like that the afternoon has to be you know, chill
and whatever that looks like. And that we're going to
go out to dinner early because I need to be
in bed by ten. And Jeff has adopted that way
of vacationing and he's also like that. Now you know,
I don't know. We have a rhythm and we we
understand each other. We laugh a lot. We also fight.
(30:41):
I don't know about a lot, but we definitely fight.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
We laugh a lot.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
It's there's this I don't there's this piece in my
house that I did not have growing up and shout
out to peace. So so funny. My friends who are single,
I've set them up. I try to, and I say,
(31:08):
there's a lot of them who are my age yet
a little younger, a little older, and sometimes they don't
connect with whoever they're dating, and you know, on the
first date or the second date, and you know, there's
a lot of I don't know, I don't see myself
having sex with them, or I don't see my heart's
not racing.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
I'm and I could be wrong about this, but if
I was single. Now, what I'd be looking for is
not necessarily that spark. I think that's great if you
find it. I'd be looking for.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
I'd be looking for companionship. I'd be looking for someone
whose life views matched my own, someone that I could
have fun with and who is solid, and who would
like Jeff actually, interestingly, interestingly enough, comes from the opposite
(32:04):
childhood that I had. His parents were married for over
fifty years. Two of the most wonderful humans that have
ever walked the face of this earth. Max and Phyllis
Wessler were just everything. I get choked up even talking
about them. They had the most beautiful marriage and he
(32:24):
just lived and died for her the same. But she
felt the same. But she had a lot of health
issues and he just always took care of her. And
he set this example. I think, for Jeff, you know
of what a good husband looks like, and I you know,
people you know I'm honest about Jeff's affair and about then.
(32:48):
I had my own fairs plural. But Jeff is the
kind of husband that just shows up period and shows
up for his kids.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Help.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I think I'm all over the place, you guys, excuse
me if I am, but like you know, this is
I don't know why the story is popping into my head.
But when my son was graduating middle school, Jeff had
won this award, this huge award. He won Lawyer of
the Year. He's a securities attorneys, so like in his area,
(33:21):
I want to say, City Bank sponsored this. It was
a huge event where he was being honored and it
fell on the same day as middle school graduation. And
I was like, Jeff, I'm sorry, but Zach's not going
to make his middle school graduation either. We're going We're
going to this gala honoring you. And for me, there
(33:43):
was no question. I was like, this is a once
in a lifetime and he was not having it and
he had have someone from his office be there to
take his place. And I'm bragging about that because I'm
so proud of that that because I know that if
it was me and someone was honoring me for being
(34:03):
the best friend of a housewife ever, they could have
been graduating from college. We were going to that party.
And so I bring other things to the table. But
I am a little on the a little on the
selfish side, but you know, that's that's just who he is.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
And so today. Here we are, you know, we are
in our are you know, golden years. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
We're middle age, little older than middle age now, and
life is hard and it has dealt us blows like
it does us all and we do the best we
can and we fight, and we have unhappy moments and
unhappy periods of time. But I don't know, I feel very,
(34:49):
very lucky to have made my marriage work. And you know,
to know that I'm growing old with this person who
is just he's just so nice to me. I mean,
it sounds so silly, right, but he is. He's so
nice to me, and I try to be so nice
to him and just appreciate him. And we're very different,
(35:12):
you know. I'm I am outgoing, I'm an extrovert. Jeff's
an introvert. I remember at the beginning of our marriage
used to really annoy me because we would go out
with other couples and Jeff was very quiet. He is
very quiet, not at home at all and not in work,
but he socially he can be and so he wouldn't
say much.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
And I used to get bess it fights on the
way home.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
And now it's like I don't give a shit and
he talks to me. He has something to say, and
he bonds with the guys that he bonds with, and
he's actually enjoys being social more than I do.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
It's up to Jeff.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
We would go out at least twice a week. Once
a week is more than I'd like to be going out,
but he's into it and he loves being social. He
loves all this reality TV stuff and the house. I
love it too, but he really loves it. But I
used to get so mad at him, and now as
we've gotten older, it just does not bother me at all.
There are other things that bother me. There are there
(36:14):
things that we disagree on. He gets mad at me
for I mean, many things, but it's just different. It's
like we went through it and it was it really sucked,
and we learned from it, I guess, and we are
both so grateful to be where we are today. You know,
(36:37):
we're not in couples therapy anymore, but that definitely helped.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
I would definitely recommend that you know we are. I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Our house is very peaceful. That's what I want for
my kids and for anyone who's listening, I would tell
you that, yes, fall madly in love. I want passion
for the people that I love. I want them to
experience romance and passion and everything that goes along with it.
And I'm not saying it's not still part of my marriage.
(37:11):
He walks to the door, and sometimes my heart does
skip a little beat. I'm very proud of him, but
that is not the basis of it. The basis of
us is. You know, it might sound funny since I've
talked about infidelity, but it's trust and it's respect to
mutual respect. He is smart and I love that. I
(37:31):
know he's very proud of me for all this the
silly world that I've become part of, but he loves it.
He loves watching me do my thing, and he tells
me appreciates me. And you know, even the podcast that
I do with Jackie, the fact that I'm doing I
(37:53):
do part two today. You know, he's always like, I know,
he's very very proud of me. We're good to each other.
But you know, I mean, that's that's kind of our story,
and it's you know, we haven't had a perfect story,
but I wouldn't change it. I say that, Yeah, No,
I wouldn't. Like I don't again, I'm not recommending separation,
(38:15):
but for some reason, it was probably the best thing
that ever happened to us, and so I'm grateful for it. So, uh,
you know, I get asked sometimes if we would ever
do like a vow renewal. Nah, you will say that,
I mean, no, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
We're not Jeff. Jeff is not one for words. I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
I mean, we write each other beautiful cards, but I
don't see that for us. I think it would just
be I think it's a beautiful. It's beautiful when people
do it, but for us, it would just probably be
kind of cheesy. And I think we're just there's no
question now that we're permitted and our vows are in place. Listen, ever,
say never feel. I feel as positive as I could
(39:04):
that our marriage is now going to last till death
do us part. But again, you never know, So listen
for anyone out there who maybe is thinking about reconciling
with an ex if there's a chance. And I'm not
(39:26):
saying an ex necessarily a boyfriend, Like if you're married,
if you have kids and you're thinking about it a
little bit. You know, if you're asking me, I'm gonna
tell you, yeah, like pursue that. Maybe have some more conversation,
you know, maybe go to mediation and therapy, maybe go
(39:52):
to Chili's and have a margarita and try to speak
nicely to each other if there's still that heart in
you that's not sure. You know, divorce is hard. It's
hard on the people that are getting divorced. It's hard
on the man. It's hard on the woman or the
two men or the two women, and it's hard on
the kids. So for me, it worked to try again.
(40:14):
So if there's a chance, I would encourage you to
try to explore it, because it is. It's really nice
to have been married for twenty five years. Actually though
excuse me, Jeff says twenty three. He won't give me
the twenty five because of the two years we were separated,
But I'm telling him twenty five, especially when it is
time for gifts. So but I wish everybody out there love,
(40:39):
whether it's your part two, your part three, you're part four,
whatever that looks like, whatever form that it takes, and
you know, if it means divorce, I'm also for that.
You know, nobody I don't. I wouldn't have wanted to
set an example for my kids of being unhappy and
living unhappy and fighting constantly, and I don't think that's healthy.
(41:00):
I know that's not healthy. So there are, of course
cases where divorce is the way to go. We got lucky,
so I you know, I recommend if you're having doubts
to at least respect those doubts. Maybe, And I hope though,
if you do or if you don't, that you are
(41:25):
at peace and happy in your relationships, are happy alone,
or if you're at the beginning of your relationship, if
you're at the beginning of a marriage, if you're beginning
of your second marriage, I recommend I don't know, mutual
respect and friendship and laughs, lots and lots of laughter. Okay, guys,
(41:45):
so thank you so much for allowing me to tell
you my little story here. I really love what this
podcast is about, and I hope that maybe sharing my
experience may help someone going through something similar. You know,
if you're separated, if you're going through divorce, you can
always if you have questions, please DM me, Please reach out,
(42:09):
you can call, you can email, follow us on socials.
All the information is going to be in the show notes,
and you can rate the show You can review it
if you feel like it. I would love it, but
I do. Part two is an iHeartRadio podcast where falling
in love is the main objective. Thank you guys very
(42:29):
much for listening.
Hi, guys, welcome back to I Do Part two, the
podcast for people that maybe got love wrong the first time,
or the second time, or the third or fourth time,
and now find themselves back out there looking for love.
My name is Jennifer Fessler, and you may or may
not know me from the Housewives of New Jersey. I
(00:33):
also have a podcast that I co host with Jackie
Goldschander from the Housewives of New Jersey. It's called Two
Jersey Jays, and I am honored to the hosting I
Do Part two today. I'm a huge fan of all
of the founders of this podcast, Amy Robot, TJ. Holmes,
(00:54):
Jenny Garth, Jenna Kramer. I know you guys know them,
and I also am a big fan of the open
and honest and telling your story. And I don't know,
I feel privileged to have been asked to tell mine.
I hope that you guys who are listening can relate
to some of it. It is like every other story.
(01:15):
It is a sad story, sometimes difficult to tell, but
ultimately the good news is it has a very happy ending.
You know, I spoke about my love story, my marriage.
I spoke about it on Housewives a little bit in
season thirteen, maybe even into season fourteen, but not really
(01:39):
the details of it. So I'm just going to share.
You know, I've been married for twenty five years, and
two of those years were really really difficult, and actually
my husband and I separated. But I'm getting way ahead
of myself, so I will give you a little bit
of information just about me. I grew up as the
(02:03):
product of divorce, for sure. So my parents divorced when
I was three years old, and so I you know,
I don't remember that heart of my life, really, but
I can tell you that they both got remarried, and
they both got divorced again and remarried, and then my
(02:28):
second stepfather passed away. I have a third stepfather now,
and my steck at my dad got divorced again and
then married again and divorced again. So I am certainly
an expert when it comes to parents getting divorced. And
you would think that my own experience, well, I'm sure
(02:50):
it was affected by that, but you would think that
that would have been really helpful. But when I was
separated and considering divorce, but everything is God. You know,
you do the best you can during difficult times. But
so my childhood was not idyllic by any stretch of
(03:11):
the imagination. My parents didn't speak to each other. There
really wasn't like a co parenting situation. I lived my
mom when she got remarried. We moved to Sugarland, Texas
of all places, and my dad was living in New
York City, and I guess you know, we went. I
(03:31):
have sister. I have one sister through my dad and
my mom. I have two brothers from my dad and
a stepmother who's no longer my stepmother. And then I
have a sister from my father and his third wife.
That sister is actually younger than my daughter. It's a
whole dysfunctional, fed up mess. But anyway, so I come
(03:56):
from a lot of chaos, and my parents and certainly
did not get along. They didn't really speak, and we
were shuttled back and forth a lot of craziness. So
you know, when I met my husband, I well, first
of all, I was dying to have babies and get married,
(04:17):
even after all of the chaos that you know I
had been through as a kid. I really that biological
clock was kicking. I met Jeff and I was the
director of a dating service called It's Just Lunch and
the premise behind It's Just Lunch I actually think it
still exists, was that professionals are really, really busy and
(04:41):
nobody has time for dinner, necessarily on a first date,
and how about we just meet up for lunch or
a drink, see if there's a spark and move on.
So I was the director and which was really a
crazy job, but that's for another episode. I was the
(05:02):
director of this dating service and trying to get my
numbers up and get people to join, and reached out
to uh, Jeff Fessler because he had been a client
before I got there and his membership had expired. So
called him up one day and my name is Jen
and I would love to meet you. I know you
(05:22):
were a member and your membership has expired. And he's like, no,
thank you. It wasn't great for me, I'm not interested.
And being Jeff Fesslor, I was able to persuade him
and you know, you haven't met me yet. I'm the
new director, and I think that you know, you can
have a different experience anyway, So he came in like
that afternoon.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
And he joined. He joined again.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
But the interesting part of that was that he said,
you know you have all these questions you have to ask,
like what are you looking for? What are you looking for?
You know, mentally, emotionally, physically, and he's like, what am
I looking for?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Looking mirror?
Speaker 1 (06:01):
And if you know Jeff, if any of you've ever
watched The Housewives or seen him on it, he's that's
not really his personality. He's he's very introverted, sort of shy.
And so I didn't realize at the time what a
big deal that was. But so I said, no, sorry,
I have a boyfriend, which I didn't. I was not
attracted to him, not that he wasn't attractive. I just
(06:23):
didn't have a spark, and not to mention the fact
that I was, you know, I was working for this
company and really shouldn't be dating my clients. But that
was probably second to the fact that I didn't think.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
There was a connection.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Anyway, he was very persistent and started calling me at
work and please, let's get together. We can just be friends,
and like, I just it's funny because I met him
for a drink and he walked into we had a
drink at the Four Seasons on fifty seventh Street. Anyway,
(06:58):
he walked in and I thought, not for me. Jeff
is five five. He likes to say he's five six.
And the only thing I cared about for sure at
that time when people would fix me up on blind
dates was that he had to be tall, because I
always had sort of like this complex about being a
bigger girl, and you know, careful what you wish for,
and what is that saying? We wait, we do something,
(07:22):
and God laughs, we plan and God laughs. Anyway, but
we became friends, but he was always still interested and
I wasn't. But we played that little game and still
hung out, and eventually I told him i'd fix him up.
You know, I am the director of this dating service,
(07:43):
So come in and we'll talk, and I'll show you
some pictures of some of the women and tell me
who you like. And so he did that, and the
second he started to pick out those women that he liked,
I started to get really annoyed and I was like,
excuse me, you are in love with me?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
What is happening here?
Speaker 1 (08:00):
So I started to feel something for Jeff, and at
the time, I was dating someone else. Trying to kind
of wrap this up pretty quickly this part of the story,
you guys, but long story short on one particular day
I kissed the guy I was dating, and I kissed
Jeff Fessler, and I was.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Wait a second, it's Jeff Fessler. It is not this guy.
And very quickly I was like, wait, wait, wait, I
love Jeff Fessler. And very quickly after that we were engaged.
Very quickly after that, we were married. Very quickly after that,
we were pregnant. And so once I realized that he
(08:39):
was the one, he had kind of figured it out
before I did. I just I was like, you know, amen,
let's go, let's start. Let's get this part of my life,
rolling the family, the house in the suburbs, all of
it was.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
It was so.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
Exciting that time in my life. And you know, we'd
been really really close friends for a while, and once that,
once I kind of crossed over into falling in love
with Jeff, it was of course, it was more exciting
and different. But the basis of our relationship was always
(09:18):
that we were best friends. And today I would tell
you that that is the most important part of me
and Jeff Fessler. I mean, we are family and he
is everything to me. But I just I had that
with him always. I still have it today, and I
tell my kids all the time how important that is
(09:40):
to not just fall in love and have you know,
all of the pheromones and the hormones and the you know,
sparks and that kind of a sexual connection. But also
I really like the person you decide to spend your
life with right and to respect that person. And I
(10:02):
felt all of that for Jeff Fessler. So we get married,
and we do the newlywed thing, we do the new
parents thing, and four months after we got married, I
was pregnant and gave birth to my son in two thousand.
(10:23):
In two thousand and two, I gave birth to my daughter, and.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Was you know, just.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
I don't want to say playing that role. It's not
it's really not the way it felt. I was living
that life. I was just everything was about, you know,
the babies and Jeff and our new family. And I
guess like seven years into the marriage, well, things probably
started to change before that. Maybe they started to change
(10:53):
a little bit year five. I don't know, but I
I started hanging out with friends who loved going out
on Thursday nights in my town and we would go
out to whatever local restaurant or bar and we would
drink and we would flirt with guys and there wasn't
anything specific happening. I wasn't I didn't have an affair,
(11:16):
but I sort of like started to check out a
little bit and I started to crave that attention that
I did for years from men. I had lots of
daddy issues, but I always felt the need to draw
a man's attention. And you know the beginning when you
have little babies, I wasn't feeling that as much, and
(11:39):
then all of a sudden, I was like I started
to started to need attention from men again, and so
it was kind of like a thing. I mean, I
don't know how I found this group of women that
also wanted to go out on Thursday nights. Because you know,
my best friends who are still my best friends today,
(12:00):
a lot of them have been divorced, but there are
some of them that didn't really crave that. I don't
know if that's just where I was at in my
life and Jeff and I were not connecting. He was
working crazy long hours. He was an associate who was
trying to make partner and at a law firm as
(12:20):
a lawyer, and so he was traveling all the time
and you know, I used to with the kids and
another friend of mine know, his husband was traveling all
the time. We always said we were like sister wives,
and it was like, you know, four kids together and
the two of us getting them through anyway. So I
(12:42):
was out there as my point and my marriage was
definitely not my priority at that time, and it wasn't
for Jeff either, and so, you know, we were just
not connecting. We were not connecting on an emotional level,
and we were not connecting on a physical level. And
(13:02):
eventually I discovered at about year seven, I guess that
Jeff had an affair, and yeah, that was that was
a hard day. Podcast is not long enough for me
to get into all of the details of it all,
but I will tell you that it was a very
(13:22):
strange thing. This woman that Jeff was involved with and
I had this conversation and I don't know, I knew
almost immediately that something was up. But that's not the
point of this whole big picture story. But I, as
you would expect, completely lost my mind. I'm saying all
(13:44):
of this to you first about my going out on
Thursday nights and the headspace I was in because I
do believe that if it was just a matter of
time before it was me. And so everybody, you know,
got so much feedback and advice, and I remember, just
like my mom saying, how could you stay with him?
(14:06):
But I guess I knew there was a part of
me that knew that that not only does it take
too But I almost felt lucky that it was him first,
because I could place all the blame on him. But
I had been flirting with other guys and whatever. I
know that I was headed in that direction. Once I
(14:35):
discovered that Jeff had had an affair, we probably spent
I guess about a year still together. And this summer
after it happened, I said to him, I'm going to
Florida because I'd had lots of friends in Florida. My
sister was in Florida. I'm taking the kids for the summer,
(14:55):
and I just need some space. This was not a separation,
This was just I just want to go to Florida.
I want to, you know, be by my friends, be
by my sister. Found a little rental, went to Florida,
and not only found a little rental, found myself a
little boyfriend. And so the end of that summer I'll
(15:17):
never forget. Jeff came to visit and I told him
that I wanted a separation. And it's interesting because I
remember when he came to visit and we actually took
the kids to Disney, and when he left, I just
will never forget my son, just being so distraught. I
(15:38):
want to go home, I want daddy. You know, I
didn't factor in when I got separated. I guess because
I had been through so much divorce. I didn't factor
and how hard it was going to be, not only
on my kids, but to watch my kids in that
kind of pain. You know, they weren't. My parents were
divorced when I was three, and then they got divorced
again and again and again and again, and so you know,
(16:02):
my mind, kids are resilient, but it was a whole
other level of difficult. And you know, I think probably
every mother and father feels that. Right when heard it
said that, like when you're getting divorced, you get to
the point if you go through with your divorce, where
nothing matters except that you can't be with this person
(16:24):
anymore because it's so hard. It's so hard, especially if
you have kids. Well it's hard even if you don't, obviously,
but it's so hard to watch your kids go through
this with you, and so I guess I think a
lot of people get to the point where they're like, Okay, listen,
the kids are resilient. I don't care about the money,
(16:44):
I don't care about being alone. I just can't be
in this marriage anymore. But that was not the case
with me or Jeff. So but I had this boyfriend,
and I was convinced that, you know, it was time
and that I on it a divorce. So I went
back to Jersey and Jeff moved out and he moved
(17:05):
into New York City and was distraught, I have to say,
and the boyfriend, my boyfriend at the time, moved to
Jersey from Florida. I did so many things wrong, you guys,
that I wouldn't not do again and that I'm sorry for,
even though in the end there's a happy ending. But
(17:29):
you know, I was so caught up in this feeling
of my heart racing from this guy, and you know,
he's a nice guy.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
He was a very nice guy.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
And this passion that I was feeling and that just
took over in a way, and I would have I
had to do it again, I would have slowed things
way down and I would have, you know, potentially just happened.
It all seemed to happen so fast, and him moving
(17:59):
to New Jersey and introducing him to my kids and
you know, them forming a relationship. So you know, you
live and learn. And the thing is, though, you know,
Jeff and I were separated for a year and a
half going on two. But the whole time we were separated,
(18:20):
we just didn't seem to move forward in the divorce proceedings.
So we got a mediator, and which was an easy
choice to make because there wasn't a lot of animosity
there anything. There was just like I just felt so
sad and so badly because Jeff really did not want
(18:42):
to get divorced, although we did. He got a girlfriend also,
but we would like I don't know, there was no
screaming at each other over money. I remember at one
point I said to him, listen, I'm not worried. I
don't we don't need a lawyer because I know you,
I know your heart, I know what kind of father
you are. I'm not at all worried that you're gonna
(19:03):
screw me. I trust you, and I'm sure that people
everywhere friends I don't remember at the time, they were
probably like, you're you're a freaking idiot. But I just
I knew him. I know Jeff Wessler, and so we
didn't like, we weren't at each other's throats. When the
kids would call UH to complain about I don't know
daddy said this or Daddy did that. I was sort
(19:25):
of like, honey, you died the wrong number. Do not
complain about your father to me. And you know, he
was the same. We were just very respectful of each
other and sad and just very very sad. And eventually
there's a lot that that went down. But eventually we
(19:47):
were both on vacation. Jeff took the kids to beaches
in Jamaica maybe and I at that time went to
Saint Bart's, very glamorous with my boyfriend. And the whole
time I was there, I was so sad. And it
had nothing to do with this guy. Again, perfectly lovely, guy,
(20:10):
treated me very well, but I just missed my family.
And when I would talk to Jeff and the kids,
you know, and they were in a whole different they
were at all inclusive, and I don't know I was
at this glamorous hotel, it was like, you know, a
fortune and hob nobbing with the rich and famous, and
all I wanted to do was like be at the
(20:31):
buffet at beaches in Jamaica, and I just, I guess
I just missed Jeff. I just missed him terribly. So
got back from vacation and would like lie to my
boyfriend and tell him I was going to go into mediation.
And meanwhile I was like meeting Jeff at Chili's and
(20:51):
just talking, and you know, he was so certain that
we were making a mistake the whole time, and I
think I was. I also, I knew in my heart
that it was a mistake, because again, it's not easy
to get divorced. I think that most people, maybe not everyone,
but most people that do, they're they're pretty positive, right,
(21:14):
And I just didn't want to live my life without Jeffessler.
And there were so many reasons for it. Jeff Fessler
made and makes me feel safe and makes me feel peaceful.
I heard said this maybe mel Robbins said something once.
It resonated with me, and it was that he's, like
(21:35):
she said, don't wish to fall madly in love, wish
to fall peacefully in love. And I know, like at
the beginning of any relationship, there's the sparks fly, and
there's all of that energy, and you know, excitement and
crazy sex and all of that, not always but hopefully.
(21:57):
But I would say, and I have said to my kids,
all of that after a while, it's not that it
goes away entirely, but life gets real. And so that
did definitely dissipate for us that excitement and life got real,
and I think that we both were looking for that
excitement again as opposed to looking to each other to
(22:19):
find it and to put it back into our marriage.
I say all this to you, by the way, I'm
not a marriage counselor this is just I'm just this
is just you know, my experience. But we again, we
went to Chili's and then it was Valentine's Day and
he bought me these little earrings and it was like, okay, enough,
(22:41):
this is clearly we are not ready to get divorced.
But we also knew that we couldn't get back together
and then have it happen again. Right, you can't do
that to your kids again. So we had long conversations
and I just knew that I didn't want to live
my life without Jeff Fessler it not only in it,
(23:03):
but you know, as my husband, and so we made
that decision and try again. I remember we went my
kids always went to Sleepway Camp and we went to
visiting day and we sat down and we're like, you know,
we have to tell you something.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
We are getting back together.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
And I just remember them staring at us and like
it was like you, guys, I promise, I promise you,
this is not going to happen again. And I don't
remember the exact words that I use, but you know
they were confused, of course, and happy, of course. And
we sold our house because it was just time for
(23:45):
a fresh start and same town, moved into a new
house and actually we're in our third house here in
Upper Saltle River where we live, and we started again.
So let me just say, of all, I am not
suggesting that anyone following the path that Jefffessler and I did,
(24:06):
and I'm not saying that separation for sure is the answer.
I can only speak from my own experience and say
that things changed, and they changed for better. It's funny
because in my town, like a lot of small suburban towns,
everybody talks, right. So like when we got separated, everybody talked.
(24:26):
When you know, everybody knew about our infidelity, and everybody
knew when I had the new boyfriend and whatever. But
when we got back together, I think that's probably when
people started talking the most. And I started getting phone
calls from a lot of women confidentially reaching out and saying, listen,
(24:47):
I you know whatever, I really am not I want
to get separated, but I'm not sure I want to
get divorced or women that were separated, and how'd you
do it?
Speaker 2 (24:57):
What did you do?
Speaker 1 (24:57):
How did you manage to get back together? And I
don't even know, and I didn't know then. I really
don't know now if there's a clear cut answer. I
just I couldn't divorce him. I thank God because I
feel blessed every day that our marriage survived and that,
you know, our family is intact. But I just didn't
(25:24):
have that conviction. I guess that I wanted to live
without my husband, and we were both humble enough to also.
We went to therapy, of course, and I admit our
mistakes and talk about the infidelities and talk about, you know,
where things went wrong and how we took each other
for granted, and so yeah, so we got back together
(25:50):
and life began again. We've been married for twenty five years,
and so I'll tell you that my marriage is not perfect,
and I am certainly not perfect. I am the biggest
pain in the ass. Jeff is close to perfect. I
(26:12):
would say that he's an amazing father, and he is
an amazing man, just a good man. If any of
you at there are Jewish or no, the word mentch,
that's what Jeff is.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Good man.
Speaker 1 (26:25):
And I'm very lucky and he puts up with a
lot of shit. I am messy, I am at times lazy, cranky, nasty,
and my husband is very very patient. He's not perfect either,
(26:46):
so let me say that. And he can also drive
me crazy. But I see in him I feel it
has this. I feel lucky all the time, I feel
like very I feel just very lessed. So fast forward,
I guess all these years, I will tell you that
(27:10):
Jeff and I are not We are not guided by
this spar I use that word. I hope you guys
relate to it. In other words, we ain't hanging from
the chandeliers, right, We're not like And that's not to
say that I'm not trying to put down our sex
(27:33):
life or our connection. I'm just trying to be real
and tell you that those things are good, but they
are not we are I am fifty six, Jeff is
sixty two years old. So that is not our priority.
And people, you know a lot of people would disagree
with me and do disagree with me that that has
to be a huge priority, right, sex and date night
(27:56):
and connection, and we're together all the time obviously, but
I don't know that our marriage is based on that stuff.
And that's not to say I don't know if it's good, bad,
or I don't know. I'm just this is what is
for us, and we are to this day. We are
best friends. We are parents of these, you know, two
(28:17):
incredible people. And you know, my sister has been through
divorce and many many of my friends have. But she
always says to me that she's specifically because of the kids.
She's I don't know, jealous is the right word. She's
my sister, but she wishes that she had family unit
and that it's so nice to you know, be able
(28:40):
to eat together, the four of us after all of
these years, and so I feel very very lucky about that.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
No one will love to love your kids as much
as your as much as their father or their mother.
You know, you're whoever you made them with, and nobody's
ever going to be as invested right as the two
of you. But things are different now, oh god, they
(29:09):
are so different now, certainly than before we were separated.
But even you know, over the years things have changed
and we're getting older, and so you know, when people
ask about the state of my marriage, like, I always
talk about the stuff that I love about it. I mean,
I can tell you things I don't love about it,
but the things that I love about it. So I
(29:34):
love going on vacation with Jeff Essler. We've traveled a
lot together, and what I love about it is that
we've developed this rhythm and we kind of like he
knows and I know exactly when we go on vacation.
We plan it all around the three meals every day.
Where are we eating breakfast, luncheon, dinner. And we are
(29:56):
like when I say foodies, I don't mean we're fancy,
We're not, but we are both well, that's what we
care about the most is where are we eating? Of course,
the sight seeing, of course, seeing different places, meeting different people,
but there's a limit to that. Because we know that
we know that I'm done after the morning of sight seeing,
(30:17):
like that the afternoon has to be you know, chill
and whatever that looks like. And that we're going to
go out to dinner early because I need to be
in bed by ten. And Jeff has adopted that way
of vacationing and he's also like that. Now you know,
I don't know. We have a rhythm and we we
understand each other. We laugh a lot. We also fight.
(30:41):
I don't know about a lot, but we definitely fight.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
We laugh a lot.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
It's there's this I don't there's this piece in my
house that I did not have growing up and shout
out to peace. So so funny. My friends who are single,
I've set them up. I try to, and I say,
(31:08):
there's a lot of them who are my age yet
a little younger, a little older, and sometimes they don't
connect with whoever they're dating, and you know, on the
first date or the second date, and you know, there's
a lot of I don't know, I don't see myself
having sex with them, or I don't see my heart's
not racing.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
I'm and I could be wrong about this, but if
I was single. Now, what I'd be looking for is
not necessarily that spark. I think that's great if you
find it. I'd be looking for.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Peace.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
I'd be looking for companionship. I'd be looking for someone
whose life views matched my own, someone that I could
have fun with and who is solid, and who would
like Jeff actually, interestingly, interestingly enough, comes from the opposite
(32:04):
childhood that I had. His parents were married for over
fifty years. Two of the most wonderful humans that have
ever walked the face of this earth. Max and Phyllis
Wessler were just everything. I get choked up even talking
about them. They had the most beautiful marriage and he
(32:24):
just lived and died for her the same. But she
felt the same. But she had a lot of health
issues and he just always took care of her. And
he set this example. I think, for Jeff, you know
of what a good husband looks like, and I you know,
people you know I'm honest about Jeff's affair and about then.
(32:48):
I had my own fairs plural. But Jeff is the
kind of husband that just shows up period and shows
up for his kids.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Help.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I think I'm all over the place, you guys, excuse
me if I am, but like you know, this is
I don't know why the story is popping into my head.
But when my son was graduating middle school, Jeff had
won this award, this huge award. He won Lawyer of
the Year. He's a securities attorneys, so like in his area,
(33:21):
I want to say, City Bank sponsored this. It was
a huge event where he was being honored and it
fell on the same day as middle school graduation. And
I was like, Jeff, I'm sorry, but Zach's not going
to make his middle school graduation either. We're going We're
going to this gala honoring you. And for me, there
(33:43):
was no question. I was like, this is a once
in a lifetime and he was not having it and
he had have someone from his office be there to
take his place. And I'm bragging about that because I'm
so proud of that that because I know that if
it was me and someone was honoring me for being
(34:03):
the best friend of a housewife ever, they could have
been graduating from college. We were going to that party.
And so I bring other things to the table. But
I am a little on the a little on the
selfish side, but you know, that's that's just who he is.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
And so today. Here we are, you know, we are
in our are you know, golden years. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
We're middle age, little older than middle age now, and
life is hard and it has dealt us blows like
it does us all and we do the best we
can and we fight, and we have unhappy moments and
unhappy periods of time. But I don't know, I feel very,
(34:49):
very lucky to have made my marriage work. And you know,
to know that I'm growing old with this person who
is just he's just so nice to me. I mean,
it sounds so silly, right, but he is. He's so
nice to me, and I try to be so nice
to him and just appreciate him. And we're very different,
(35:12):
you know. I'm I am outgoing, I'm an extrovert. Jeff's
an introvert. I remember at the beginning of our marriage
used to really annoy me because we would go out
with other couples and Jeff was very quiet. He is
very quiet, not at home at all and not in work,
but he socially he can be and so he wouldn't
say much.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
And I used to get bess it fights on the
way home.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
And now it's like I don't give a shit and
he talks to me. He has something to say, and
he bonds with the guys that he bonds with, and
he's actually enjoys being social more than I do.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
It's up to Jeff.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
We would go out at least twice a week. Once
a week is more than I'd like to be going out,
but he's into it and he loves being social. He
loves all this reality TV stuff and the house. I
love it too, but he really loves it. But I
used to get so mad at him, and now as
we've gotten older, it just does not bother me at all.
There are other things that bother me. There are there
(36:14):
things that we disagree on. He gets mad at me
for I mean, many things, but it's just different. It's
like we went through it and it was it really sucked,
and we learned from it, I guess, and we are
both so grateful to be where we are today. You know,
(36:37):
we're not in couples therapy anymore, but that definitely helped.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
I would definitely recommend that you know we are. I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Our house is very peaceful. That's what I want for
my kids and for anyone who's listening, I would tell
you that, yes, fall madly in love. I want passion
for the people that I love. I want them to
experience romance and passion and everything that goes along with it.
And I'm not saying it's not still part of my marriage.
(37:11):
He walks to the door, and sometimes my heart does
skip a little beat. I'm very proud of him, but
that is not the basis of it. The basis of
us is. You know, it might sound funny since I've
talked about infidelity, but it's trust and it's respect to
mutual respect. He is smart and I love that. I
(37:31):
know he's very proud of me for all this the
silly world that I've become part of, but he loves it.
He loves watching me do my thing, and he tells
me appreciates me. And you know, even the podcast that
I do with Jackie, the fact that I'm doing I
(37:53):
do part two today. You know, he's always like, I know,
he's very very proud of me. We're good to each other.
But you know, I mean, that's that's kind of our story,
and it's you know, we haven't had a perfect story,
but I wouldn't change it. I say that, Yeah, No,
I wouldn't. Like I don't again, I'm not recommending separation,
(38:15):
but for some reason, it was probably the best thing
that ever happened to us, and so I'm grateful for it. So, uh,
you know, I get asked sometimes if we would ever
do like a vow renewal. Nah, you will say that,
I mean, no, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
We're not Jeff. Jeff is not one for words. I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
I mean, we write each other beautiful cards, but I
don't see that for us. I think it would just
be I think it's a beautiful. It's beautiful when people
do it, but for us, it would just probably be
kind of cheesy. And I think we're just there's no
question now that we're permitted and our vows are in place. Listen, ever,
say never feel. I feel as positive as I could
(39:04):
that our marriage is now going to last till death
do us part. But again, you never know, So listen
for anyone out there who maybe is thinking about reconciling
with an ex if there's a chance. And I'm not
(39:26):
saying an ex necessarily a boyfriend, Like if you're married,
if you have kids and you're thinking about it a
little bit. You know, if you're asking me, I'm gonna
tell you, yeah, like pursue that. Maybe have some more conversation,
you know, maybe go to mediation and therapy, maybe go
(39:52):
to Chili's and have a margarita and try to speak
nicely to each other if there's still that heart in
you that's not sure. You know, divorce is hard. It's
hard on the people that are getting divorced. It's hard
on the man. It's hard on the woman or the
two men or the two women, and it's hard on
the kids. So for me, it worked to try again.
(40:14):
So if there's a chance, I would encourage you to
try to explore it, because it is. It's really nice
to have been married for twenty five years. Actually though
excuse me, Jeff says twenty three. He won't give me
the twenty five because of the two years we were separated,
But I'm telling him twenty five, especially when it is
time for gifts. So but I wish everybody out there love,
(40:39):
whether it's your part two, your part three, you're part four,
whatever that looks like, whatever form that it takes, and
you know, if it means divorce, I'm also for that.
You know, nobody I don't. I wouldn't have wanted to
set an example for my kids of being unhappy and
living unhappy and fighting constantly, and I don't think that's healthy.
(41:00):
I know that's not healthy. So there are, of course
cases where divorce is the way to go. We got lucky,
so I you know, I recommend if you're having doubts
to at least respect those doubts. Maybe, And I hope though,
if you do or if you don't, that you are
(41:25):
at peace and happy in your relationships, are happy alone,
or if you're at the beginning of your relationship, if
you're at the beginning of a marriage, if you're beginning
of your second marriage, I recommend I don't know, mutual
respect and friendship and laughs, lots and lots of laughter. Okay, guys,
(41:45):
so thank you so much for allowing me to tell
you my little story here. I really love what this
podcast is about, and I hope that maybe sharing my
experience may help someone going through something similar. You know,
if you're separated, if you're going through divorce, you can
always if you have questions, please DM me, Please reach out,
(42:09):
you can call, you can email, follow us on socials.
All the information is going to be in the show notes,
and you can rate the show You can review it
if you feel like it. I would love it, but
I do. Part two is an iHeartRadio podcast where falling
in love is the main objective. Thank you guys very
(42:29):
much for listening.
Hosts And Creators
Amy Robach
T.J. Holmes
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