March 10, 2021 • 65 mins
The media often portrays the relationships between Black women as adversarial and difficult. If you believe the stereotypes and the propaganda, you might think that Black women don't like each other and don't get along. Of course, that's fallacy and harmful generalization – some Black women are incompatible, just like some people of any other race or gender may be incompatible.
If you actually know Black women, you know that their friendships are multifaceted. And as Aja points out, Black women often show the most empathy and care for other Black women. Jill, Laiya, and Aja discuss the qualities that they value in their friendships, the benefits of having a diverse friend group, and the importance of maintaining boundaries. And the sisterhood continues as the ladies have a conversation about uplifting women and choosing happiness with poet, therapist, and clinical social worker Trapeta Mayson.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Jay dot. In a production of My Heart
Piece and Love Y'all, Jill Scott presents Jake dot Ill
with my sister friends Age and and I'm Jill Scott.
The intention is to talk about the relationships between black
(00:26):
women and I know what the media says clearly, you
know that there's always some kind of underlying can't wait
to pop off, somebody's got an attitude. I did an
interview and the journalists was like, we all really love
versus so much because we actually could see and hear
you thinking the two of you and being graceful towards
(00:50):
each other, and like out here in these streets, we
don't know that anymore. We don't really experience that. Sa
if that's so unfortunate, He's like, well that, you know,
it was just a reminder about being graceful with each
other because black women don't like each other. It's like, yeah, well, okay,
that probably does. But see that probably also comes from
(01:14):
the whole and we're just coming out of that the
reality TV culture. So there was a little bit of
time where that was being pressed absolutely like you know,
propaganda obviously, but but playing on the disagreements in the
ways that things can get escalated with with people, but
(01:36):
then inserting black women into that scenario and then deciding
that that's the way that we that we communicate. But
that was a black journalist that you were speaking with
you and continuously inserting us in that scenario. But that's
because the black people we still step out of the TV.
Like if a white person would have said that to you,
that's one thing, but like your everyday life, that's really
(01:57):
how you feel that black women don't get a long Yeah,
it's I mean, I'm not saying that I feel that
way obviously, but I know that's a real thing that
black women do not get along. People believe it. Why
because it's regurgitated over and over and over again anytime
you see a television show, especially reality TV, and people
(02:21):
believe that. So it's like it's the same thing. If
you don't live in this country and all you see
is McDonald's commercials for America, you're going to naturally assume
that McDonald's is America. You know, that's what Americans do.
They go to McDonald's, They eat hamburgers, they eat French fries.
What else do you know? But I want to be clear,
(02:41):
Black women don't get along, but not anymore so than
any other human beings don't get along. Bottom line is that, yeah,
there are some Black women that don't get along, but
it's not like anything amongst us as women that we
just don't get along. And in fact that we have
just such a long history of survival that's all bit
and actually hooked into and tied into. Our actual survival
(03:04):
is based on our being able to get along, in
our ability to have strong, meaningful and way below the
surface relationships. I hate that it's like that. I hate that.
I hated in my core being because I feel like
the people I have the most empathy for in space,
for our black women. Yeah, it's just interesting because not
(03:25):
for nothing. Just on the side note, and I know
y'all don't watch these menial things, but it was a
conversation that came up on the Housewives of Potomac because
for the first time there was a real fight, right,
and so one of the women, she's like a commentator,
professor or Johns Hopkins, and she kept saying, like, you know,
this is just not a good look for Black women,
Like I don't want to be a part of this,
Like I don't want to be on the show Where
(03:46):
Black when she said it so much to the point
where it was just like, Okay, damn, girl, this is
really on the backs of us like that, like we
really have to think. And it's funny because I in
my black my mind, I started thinking, damn, do we
really have to consider this this many times? Like you
said it once, reiterated, and you kind of reinstated that thought,
reiterated that it would be clear right. I think that
(04:07):
there has to be some room for black women to
be angry on television and be angry with one another
on television. It just should not necessarily be the only
thing that we get to see about black women. It
shouldn't be something that's sensationalized and exploited. And that's totally different,
you know what I mean, because the reasons why black
(04:27):
women different in the way that they think that's an
important thing to explore, because our relationships with each other
are complex and they do have a lot of layers,
and many times when you start breaking it down and
you start really getting to the bones of it, what
comes up, y'all already know why is supremacy and be
in there. And so as far as I'm concerning in
(04:49):
order to really fight that particular evil, we have to
be able to step out of the respectability space. Oh,
we gotta make sure that we all getting along, so
people don't think black women is mean. Black women are
mean and nice and lovely and angry and violent and
sweet and nurturing and how other ship don't you think
(05:10):
people learned? It's funny you realize how much they don't
know about a black women when you watch the Kamala debate,
and nobody could decode those spaces but black people and
all of that, all those masks that she had to
put on, and that beautiful smile, which really the same
she just I want to I'm gonna go ahead and
quote a Kindrey song for the first time since we
(05:31):
just started. I say, you're saying at a song called
we Speak with Now, and that right there is exactly
how black people are. There's a huge part of blackness
that involves non verbal and so we have a particular
way that we speak into nation. Words have multiple meanings.
I look the way you telt your head, the way
(05:52):
you might say any of those things, grunts, all types
of stuff we have that we do in order to
make a thing be a thing. I need you to
understand that I have been best friends with one person
my entire life. Kim and I have never even had
an argument, not once for what for what? She understands me.
(06:16):
She's known me before I've had tips, you know, she
knew me before I had a cycle. She knew me.
She's known me. But have y'all cut faces? My question is,
I know you guys haven't argue. But is that because
also you speak a different language, you don't have to argue.
There's a look, there's a sound with you and Kim
as well, like not even an instance of shape, not
(06:38):
one not It's not necessary. She knows me, I know her.
That's that I know her heart. While me and my
best friend have had some difficult conversations, not necessarily arguments,
but we both have been able to be like bitch, no, like,
that's not it. And I think that that's an important
aspect of our freshman and and and much like you,
(06:59):
I've had the same best friends since birth. Our mothers
were actually friends since junior high school. And we're only
a year apart almost, we're almost exactly a year apart, actually,
And so she and I been friends since babies like
we've played together, go up together. But yeah, I mean
we've had to have those conversations. I mean later on
there's the the understanding, right, So she'll say to me, oh,
(07:21):
I know when you ain't feeling something I'm doing or
something that I said, and I'd be like, yeah, you
already know what it is, like I love you but
not you know, so I don't know. I mean, I
think it's to each his own. But it's important again
to state that black women in their relationships are layered,
are complex, are to be. We are, indeed we are.
(07:43):
It has to be. You know, Kim and I honestly
we have never had an argument. And as far as disagreements,
she's so strong and who she is, she doesn't really
I won't say she doesn't care about my opinion, but
she's gonna do what she wants to do how she
wants to do it. And why am I here. I'm
(08:05):
here to support that. As long as you have be babe,
nothing else matters to me. You're good, I'm good. I
tell her, I'm like, I love your children, but fuck
them if they want to add crazy, I'm here for you, right. Yeah,
hey man, that is one thing about your girlfriends. Your
women friends are the people who don't care about nobody else.
They like they are rapping, rapping you fully in the
(08:26):
real fully, And for me, that's so important. That's so
important for a person who's the center of so many
people's lives. So you're the center of your kid's life,
You're the center of your husband's life, and then at
some point you become the center of your parents life
because they get to a certain agent that has to
happen or you can just never leave. Sorry, that was
my two centers. Always to center, go ahead, amen, But
(08:50):
to have your girlfriend's remind you that you you should
be centered in that and they're the first people to
remind you. Those are the women will let you know.
Ain't no, no no, no, wait man, you ain't even talked
about yourself yet. M m you you have you eaten?
How do I mean? What's going on with you? Right?
(09:14):
But but that also ends up being the ways in
which you have to eventually think about all your relationships,
because some relationships can be draining, and the desire to
be there for the women in your life in particular,
who are holding a lot of the same weight that
you're holding, and how that affects you as a person.
I learned that about myself. I'm so sorry to catch
(09:35):
our police forgiven. Oh yeah, I just recently learned that
about myself. I don't do well with needy people. I
don't do well with people that require my insight on
every single thing that they do, in every which way
that they do it. I just I find that to
be a burden. I got my own ship, and if
(09:56):
you need me, actually need me, I'm here for But
if it's it's the menial things, if it's something that
you know what you know, you already know right for,
you laid out all of the scenarios and all of
the things that are troubling you or you already d no.
(10:20):
So now what you're gonna do. You're going you're gonna
marry this dude. I'm with you. You're gonna be with
a woman like whatever it is, because I love you,
Because I love you. So as long as you're all together,
we're good. But as soon as something pop off and
(10:40):
these things are left, I'm on your team. I'm on
your team forever and empty you and ever, and there's
not there's not a lot of that, you know, you
get Lord, I think I have two two and and
a couple of dude amazing friends like that that have
(11:02):
just been my whole life. You know, that's about it.
And then and then there's there's good friends. There's good
friends that serve I guess awesome purpose. Some friends are
there there to make you laugh and and they can't
even help themselves. That's who they are. They're some friends
that you know will allow you to cry because you
(11:23):
need to, and they don't judge it, and they don't
they don't pull a conversation. Different friends for different things.
And yeah, you know, I think that that's that's real though,
because you can't get everything. But that even goes into
relationships period, even in your marriage or even in your
your romantic relationship. You'll never get every single thing from
one person, no matter what, because you're not everything to
(11:47):
someone else. So it's important to or do you want
to be? No, man, No, I do not. I don't
want to be that's too much. Yeah, ain't be everything.
Although I am everything, I can't be your everything. I
can remind everything that has any of your friends ever said?
(12:09):
Do you that you need to be a better friend?
I'm just curious. Yes, yes, I lost a whole friend,
like a whole friend. We still ain't friends. I lost
a whole friend because of that. I still ain't called
him back. I'm like, no, I tried. I actually did.
(12:30):
I tried to reconnect with this person. But this is
years ago, girl, child, this is the time I got married.
But I'm saying that I tried to reconnect with this
person and I still I think they were still hurt.
But I want I want them to know, and I
want you all to know that I forgive me. I'm done.
Hey man, I'm working on it, but I'm gonna call
him first. The guilt is real. My girlfriend and I
(12:53):
very close to me. I love her deeply and dearly,
and we just take breaks. We take for five months,
six months at a time. Because she didn't say it's
up now, I didn't say it's something. We're just rubbing
each other the wrong way. But I know her and
I love her, and today might not be our time. Hey,
(13:15):
I'll be back. I can't have a life without you, babe,
like you you're you're my girl. So right now, while
you figured this out, and while I figured this out,
we just need the part ways because we just need ways. Well,
I don't know if I've ever done it so intentionally,
but I do. I have experienced that before where it's
just like, Okay, a little bit of room is needed,
(13:37):
let's have it, and then you know, you come back
together and it's like, okay, cool, like that was nice.
I missed you, you know, I really did. But I
think also too, we had this moment where there were
words that needed to be said, like difficult things, you know,
and I think sometimes it's harder to work up the
(13:58):
nerve to say some of those things with someone you
love so much. And I appreciated us incorporating that grace
with each other where it was like, yeah, we're talking,
but we know that this is hard, so some of
it is just unspoken. It's like, Okay, I know you're
(14:18):
here because you're sorry, and you know I'm here because
I'm sorry. I love you, and we don't have to
get into the particulars of the particulars of the particulars. Well,
it's also to understanding that some of my friends have
an understanding my life is interesting. I feel like I've
been hustling for a while. So because I've been on
my hustle, because I just got off somebody's couch two
(14:40):
years ago. I haven't. You are always be able to
catch up with people. So you have this, you know
some certain friends who understand your life now and it's like, girl,
whenever you can call, I'm here. I love you. But
then I have to realize that I got a couple
of other friends that are like, where were you right?
And I have to explain I'm like, what you do
know that when the ship hits the fan, I'm the
friend that's there, Like if something happens to you, I'm
(15:02):
on a plane. So I need you to kind of
understand that how my my love is my love, you
know what I mean. And so that's regardless of how
much I'm calling or whatever the case, because you don't
know what's really going going on. Yeah. But see, because
of the job that I have, I found myself dealing
with that where it's like I can't be at everybody's
(15:24):
with it. I can't be at everybody's birthday, can be X,
Y and Z because of my job, you know, and
that whole thing there. It's like if my kids have
to deal with that I can't be at every recital,
then why can't Then why can't you? And it's like
you know that whole back and forth with you're not
there enough for me. That's what I've been That's what
(15:46):
I've been getting and understanding that we just had to
hold to our conversation this week. But I can't do
that every day or every week, like you're gonna have
to handle that thing that we've discussed at length. You
now have to handle that, And I get I don't.
I'm not doing well with saying the same thing over
(16:06):
and over and over again, and you're repeating it back
to me as if you understand it and you think
the same thing that I'm thinking. At that point, it's like,
you know, we're supposed to bump fist and like go forth,
but next week we're right back at it again. It's
so true. How many times we gonna playing like you
you got an issue, I'm helping you plan it out.
We didn't met the whole thing out, and it's like,
go go, So why are we gotta? Why are we?
(16:28):
Why are we back? I will have to say this
now I have the very best crew, because these are
things that they don't want understand now. The same challenges
that I had ten years ago, I don't think I
have them as much. Now you know what I mean.
Now I'm thinking this coul I got now that's been
around me for a very long time. That gets the
(16:50):
whole scenario. I have to keep on saying, blah blah
blah blah blah. They playing stuff in there like that.
This means that agent we won't confirm her till thirty
is out. We already know we're still gonna playing. But
we already know. Boo, if you're not there, you the
in spirit, we love you. But I do think that
(17:10):
takes time. That does take time. It takes that's that's
and and and it also comes from communicating because I
think sometimes people do this what you guys are saying
and what we've all said, they do these things to us,
and we're so drained emotionally from the exchange that we
don't tell them. He since this is problematic. I don't
(17:34):
have it. I can't do it today. I had to
learn to tell my own children, I don't have this
for you today. And again, if I can tell my
own kids, I don't have this for you today, and
they understand, Yeah, we're gonna take a quick break and
(17:56):
then we'll be right back. I had a girlfriend tell
me one time she said, has anybody ever told you
you were inconsiderate? Who? It was such a punch in
(18:17):
a chest because I I think that I'm being considerate
of others. But I had to sit back and look
at that and go, oh, snap, that was pretty inconsiderate.
And I'm gonna have to adjust my thinking because I
know her and I trust her and she has been
(18:37):
a beaming light in my life. So why would she
lie to me? And why would she try to harm me?
Come on, come on, there's a thing. This is how
you know? It did thing? It did sting, and I
had to reevaluate myself. That's a good friendship. That's a
good friendship. If Kim can I say this too? And
this is something I struggled with is sometimes I would
(19:02):
have these situations with my friends where it would be
draining different things than them, depending on me and for
just my energy and insight whatever it is was going
on with me. But there was a part of me
that was allowing it to happen because I loved feeling needed,
and so I was perpetuating the situation and then talking,
(19:24):
oh I'm so tired or everybody needs me, when it
was like, oh, no, bitch, but you keep answering your
phone because there's a part of you that feels validated.
And I had to think about that. Like I would
give someone advice and they said, oh girl, that was
good advice. I'd be like, I am, look at me.
(19:47):
Next time you need me calling up girl, I'll be
here for you. Right. It's a hero complex bullshit. That
was just too much and I was really hurting myself,
you know, so what that somebody told me? And I
had to feel the sting I found out this thing,
just kind of coming to terms with the part I
was playing in the situation like click when you wake
(20:11):
up and you realize then you're dealing with stuff that's
not in your house more than you're dealing with your
own house. I will run across this room when you're
dealing with everybody else's stuff and not maintaining your own.
It's like they have this game called The Sims. I
(20:32):
don't know if you'll remember that, but I was. I
was a junkie for The Sims. I love that game.
And I would play The Sims and my little characters
would meet somebody and I would build the house and
get their furniture and they had to have a job,
and they had to pay the bills or the people
will come and take that stuff away. It was a game.
And then I woke up one day and realized. I
(20:53):
was like, girl, you got dishes in the sink, Like,
what are you doing. Sim's house immaculate, right, Sim's houses running.
She gets enough rest. You know, my little characters got
a new outfit on my character, you know, hanging out
(21:15):
with friends because they need social activity, you know what
I'm saying. But I, on the other hand, having walked
alone making it, I haven't washed my ass into that
because I'm dealing with this, with this that is it's
not our friendship. Stuff you know isn't inconsequential to us,
But it doesn't hold the same level of consequence as
(21:38):
me having some old, dirty dishes in my sink and
possibly bringing in the thing that I don't want the
most mass pro chest. I don't want them. I don't
want them. I don't who would want that. I'm just
saying that, Hey, we are focusing on somebody else's life
so much, we're not dealing with the ship. And that's
(21:59):
how you know that you're not servicing yourself at all.
And and that's the evolution of understanding friendship and connection
with the women in your life. Because when I was
a kid, my life was my mother had great girlfriends.
They were our family. When I took my husband home
(22:20):
to me my family, he like, um, excoose me um.
How many aunts do you have? I'm like, I have
nine thousand. I have eighty aunts, okay. And so my
mother always has such a great friend group when these
women helped to raise us because they were mostly single
mothers themselves, so she had built a community. So the
(22:41):
way I looked at women friends growing up was that
these people are in essence my responsibility as I'm theirs.
So how I looked that friendship with so much more
about family, and I had to take the good parts
of that and then spit out the parts that were
sort of toxic in the way that we kind of
just because somebody present into thing doesn't mean that that's
how we didn't take it, you know what I mean.
(23:04):
But as I got older, I started to understand some
key differences in the way that my mother functioned in
her friendships. My mother would play the lottery and she
will win. She wanted a lottery a lot Actually, my
mother will win a lottery a lot, you know, not
a lot of money, five hundred dollars dollars, that kind
of thing, and she would bring a little cash home.
She count the cash out, she put a little bit
(23:24):
to the side. Then she go to the drug store
and get cards, and so then she count out three
little stacks of the rest of the money. She would
figure out which if her girlfriends were in the worst situation,
whether they wasn't working or something was going on their life,
and she would take the rest of her lottery money
and put it into the cards and then send them
in the mail to her friends, and they wouldn't know
that money was coming, you know. But I've seen my
(23:46):
mother do this multiple times, and so in my mind
that is how I thought, you know, friendship was supposed
to be, which it is. But again, they had this
system based on necessity and need for family and support.
And there was one important thing that wasn't there. And
not that we were at lack, but there wasn't any men.
(24:08):
These were single mothers. So when they got us together
to go to the beach, we all went to the beach.
When we went camping, we all went camping. And as
I got older, my girlfriends, and now we got married,
we had kids, we had separate families, so our lives
were a little bit more isolated, and so it didn't
function in that same way. So I kept trying to
function like my mom and them did, and it just
(24:31):
was a different scenario. So we had to find our
own way. So I say all that to say, you
have to kind of figure out what works for you
and how you can take what you learned about friendship
and what you observed about friendship and see how that
works in the system of your own life. Sorry, and
that was a long story, but no, it's the truth.
So here's the thing, and went friendships. I'm gonna need
(24:58):
my friends. And I'm just saying if I were building
friendships right now, I'm gonna need my friends to give
me the benefit of the doubt. It drives me crazy
when any friend of mine assumes the worst about me,
that bothers me. That means that we're not really friends,
(25:19):
That means that you don't know me very well, Like,
could you ask first before you assume the absolute worst?
Could you talk to me first? I don't like that.
I don't like that at all. I feel like most
real friends would though that's my point. Friends would be like, girl,
did you And when people believe the negative before they
(25:40):
talk to me, that means that we're not friends. When
you have a yeah, you have this added ship, you
know what I mean? What makes it so much hard
to navigate your your friendships and your association call it
what it is, you know, right from both yeah and
(26:01):
so yeah, I mean that that's it's crazy, you know
what I mean. You might not talk to somebody for
for six months to a year or something like that.
They hear some dumb ship, they're like, wait a minute,
let me call you, and fine, No, that's what it's.
That's the way that's that's the way that that happens,
you know what I mean. And also too they'd be like,
look at this ship or here they shouldn't be like
(26:23):
think about that, but that ship. Best believe Jill. Yeah
I did not picked up. Yeah, I did not picked
up a lot of times for that same reason. Thanks Like, no,
that don't sound like Jill or somebody just believes anything.
(26:46):
That just means you're not a friend of mine too,
Like I saw, for instance, on on social media, not
that these people were friends of Chadwicks Chadwick Brozeman. I
saw that, you know, when he lost a lot of weight,
people were really going in and saying things like, oh, yeah,
you know he's on that Hollywood, or vegan ain't for everybody,
(27:07):
or you know that cocaine hit different, or you know.
I saw a lot of negativity. And Chad and I
we got really really really cool during our time together,
and he always made it a point to look out
for me whenever, and I always, you know, honestly, really
(27:30):
really appreciated that. So it was only right for me
to reach out for him or reach out to him.
But I just wished him lighting love. I didn't ask
him anything because I felt like if he wanted me
to know something, he would tell me. So his response
(27:51):
to me sending him love periodically was thank you for
being a friend that doesn't need explanations all and and
that's that's what I'm talking about. That's genuine friendship. Some
are really really deep and you know everything about a person.
(28:14):
Some are deep and you know, you just know their spirit,
you know their energy, you know that you know. And
some are fickle as fucked and need to be placed
in a safe space or not had at all, and
at this point in my life. You know, at this age,
(28:35):
I'm like, ah, I have no friends, but I don't
have a lot of patients. For that, I don't even
want to meet anybody new. Should I wish I could
forget some of the people I knew before, but they're
they dissipated out of my life perfectly, divinely. Yeah, I've
(28:59):
met some amazing people in the past five years or
maybe maybe more like maybe six seven, So I definitely
understand the fact of having like a really strong group
and sticking with that. But also to you know, how
you evolved in a lot of ways, not everywhere because
you're gonna do it bs either way. Sometimes how you
(29:21):
evolved a lot of times does begin to attract certain
people who are right in line in alignment. And I'm
so happy with some of the women have come into
my life in recent years who have brought something so
special to my space that now I don't see my
life without them And I didn't have what they had
to offer before they came along. And so I have
(29:45):
really had some fabulous interactions like that here in the
past five six years, and um, I am so grateful
for that. But I think a lot of it has
to do with how I have evolved and the things
that I've you know, worked on it myself. I was
gonna say, that's that's funny you say that, Asia, because
on that note, Jill like not for nothing, I would say.
(30:08):
Seven years ago, I was introduced to a girl via
a mutual friend who was his cousin, and we didn't
meet for a couple of years. Fast forward, I moved
to l A. The person that I'm staying with is
moving back to Philly, and this girl named Kadija, who
barely knew me. We just knew each other from email
and a couple of times from years before, said to me,
(30:28):
you want to stay at my house? And so fast
forward I lived on her couch for two years and
this girl is literally like she's she's the best friend
to me now, And not just for that reason, but
also because this girl had been in film for fifteen
years from Philly and lived in Hollywood and understood the language,
and just she was my try. I had no idea
(30:49):
that I can meet somebody who was my tribe. And
thank you God, thank you God for Kadija. Now, don't
get me wrong, I'm thank you for Conthegian. I'm open um.
I'm open to people who are on my trial. I'm
absolutely open to it. But it does make things a
(31:09):
lot more challenging for me because people's so that they
already know me because they heard some music or read
some articles. Even in relationships, like people will absolutely pretend
their assof in order to get in your good graces.
(31:30):
Damn ja, I know you've got some things, some stories. Yeah.
I tell people all the time that it can be
very challenging being multiple people's best resource. And I think
sometimes people don't mean to be in their minds, in hearts,
they don't mean to present like that in your life.
(31:53):
But there are times when people are your friends, are
close to you, and when they think of something that
they're doing, they're like, oh, I know who to call
because in their lives, you're the best resource they've got.
And that can happen for people who aren't even in
public life. Like that can mean like you're an attorney,
or maybe you make the most money in your family,
(32:15):
or maybe you're the most educated in your family, or
maybe you have the car, maybe the only person in
the family has has a car. Like anything can happen
to where you become the most resourced person. So I
think it's really important in terms of friendships, especially if
I was talking to younger women, is to try to
not always be the most resourced person in the room.
(32:37):
If you're everybody's best resource in the room, then mix
it up a little bit. Have a mentor have somebody
who knows some things and has access to some things
that you don't, so that you're not always the person
to go to for every single thing. You know what
I mean? And you know, I don't know if that
I hope that doesn't sound like shady, but I don't
(32:59):
think so. I think that people have this thing about
loyalty and you're supposed to have your right or die friends. Well,
your ride or die friends have to ride or die
for you too. They have to for me. I believe
my friendships are with people that are growing. If you're stagnant,
(33:20):
you can be an associate, you can be somebody I know,
and I can love you from afar, but you can't
go where I'm going. And and that doesn't necessarily mean
like success wise far as a career. It just means
that I don't on the East Wine. It just it
(33:40):
means that I'm making some decisions about what I am
and how I do things, and I need my my
my friend to be making decisions about how they are
and how they do things too, and hopefully we're in alignment.
And I you know, that's it, that's it, that's how
I feel. I just can't that right there. I just
(34:01):
can't feel drained. It's not even like some malice. It's
just like I just can't feel drained. If I feel drained,
then I have to make decisions about boundaries. Boundaries don't
mean I don't like you or love you. Boundaries is
exactly what it is. There's really no gray areas, just
that there's some things I cannot do in ways that
I cannot interact and I'm just not going to do that.
That's like, it's not negotiable under any circumstances. And I
(34:23):
wasn't that person. I definitely wasn't that person, and I
had to learn the hard way. And also I want
to add this little bit that you never know who
has the tools that you need, because you can, just
like that, have an experience that none of your friends
can relate to, just like that, and somebody will enter
(34:47):
your life who knows how you feel, been there and
can speak the language of your experience, and that doesn't
happen just because somebody being your friend a long time,
and they may only be there for a moment, just
to get you through this thing. Listen, and then and
you're forever grateful. Listen. I don't know if you guys
(35:11):
ever heard of Supernanny Ya Yoe Frost. I'm trying to
tell you that when I was black the white, when
I was in Los Angeles by myself, trying to figure
out what I was supposed to be doing with this baby,
Joe would call me all the time, checking up on me,
telling me how I'm supposed to do this, that or
(35:33):
the other. That's my point. After Jet was a certain age,
you know, I didn't really talk to her that much.
But every now and then I'll shout her out. I'll
give her a call like, hey, what you're doing, what
you're up to, and I'm happy to hear that she's
happy and enjoying her life. But at that time, she
(35:54):
showed up. She showed up. That kind of thing happens, yo.
Can I tell y'all funny? Because I'm I'm very proud
of my friend's circle, although at times it can be
rather large, because I didn't live in a couple of
places for long periods of time. But I will say
that I do tell people all the time it's really
dope to have a diverse friend's circle in the sense
of resources, in the sense that I do have. Like
(36:16):
I got friends that you know everything there is about
the streets. But I also got like a lawyer, I
got me a lot like and best believe, we used
every sort, especially Dr Nigga. Shout out to my doctor Nigga. Yes,
that's what we call him, because no matter what how
much money he made, he will always be Dr Nigga
to us. But when my daddy got sick, we found
out he had pneumonia with Dr Nigga and said take
(36:36):
him to the hospital. You know what I mean. But again,
it just helps to have a full circle, a nice
little yes, so you don't have, like you said, agent,
so you don't have to drain one. You got multiple
source situation, Oh my god, it's such a blessing. Yes,
And I told you guys this before. There was a
time in my life where that situation I couldn't make
(36:57):
up my mind about certain things. And people with co
signing each other but not know having that diverse friends
circle also closes that space in your mind where you
have doubt ye yes, because you're like, oh, that gentle
affirmation yes, just or that loud affirmation that that's right.
(37:17):
You know all of those things. Man, that's that's that
a light Like I just got the courage to ask
some of my bougee friends about financial things and financial
advice because I'm like, you know what, let me stop
talking about how bouge they are, how I can't afford
to go to dinner with y'all and find out how
you're doing it. Amen, Because that right there, that whole
thing about that shame of not feeling like, oh well
(37:38):
I don't have it like that, and blah blah blah blah.
We'll keep people from communicating some really great stuff with
each other. Oh my god. And when I asked to
flood it in, it was like, yeah, like you should
know about this is a matter of fact. I'm gonna
send you this article. And amen, wouldn't they rather tell
you that than I guess we all have been in
a situation we had to ask for friends help, but
and not that they wouldn't want to give you, but
(38:00):
thinking ahead, Yes, it's better than asking for fifty Okay,
how about how what's that with loaning money to a friend.
I don't mean anything that I expect to get back.
I just don't nice nice Typically that's my rule. Normally,
that is how I respond as well. I don't really
(38:21):
expect to get it back. But you're consistent, you keep
coming back. You don't have to pay me back. And
when you don't pay me back, our friendship with money
is over. You can't ask me for nothing. This is it,
this is over. It's no miss. I have a friend
who came in the clutch. I came through for him
and clutch, and it hurt my feelings so much that
(38:43):
he went on Facebook, he got married, he's going on vacations,
doing all of this stuff. But you haven't made an
effort to pay me at least a hundred dollars a month. No, okay,
I don't want to hear about your situations and your
your your goods or your bads. I don't hear any
of it. I don't care. Now you're being I find
(39:03):
you disrespectful. You need to give me my money until then,
I don't. I don't want to know anything about your life.
I don't I'm sorry. I just find that very very
disrespectful when you come through, is right. That's the lesson
that I need to know about that guy. Yeah, because
(39:24):
I've had people reach out to me about money that
I wasn't even thinking about, and I'm like, you know what,
I don't need that right now, and unless you have
a surplus, keep it mm hmm. Because I do think
it's important that people communicate its respect, communication, because that's
kind of how love. Love flourishes through respect and communication,
(39:47):
and the friendship is no different than anything else that
you want to last. I feel for some people, and
I've had conversations with women like this before where they're like,
I don't really have any really strong friendships with men
or women, and that always makes me a little bit
sad because I don't know how to respond to it.
I talked to a woman recently who I think is
(40:08):
actually brilliant and oftentimes speaks from this place that she
helps a lot of people. She does work with coaching
people through homeschooling, and does like some other things as well,
and she had revealed to me that she, you know,
didn't have a whole lot of women friends. She didn't
have a whole lot of friends, and I didn't know
what to tell her, but I did say, hey, listen,
(40:28):
I consider you a friend, so you can add me
into the fold because I think she's just an amazing person.
But I always wonder what it's like when you have
difficulty forming those types of relationships when you were not
very social, like like you a socialist. Hell, I'm not
surprised to know that she has a diverse friend group,
but everybody doesn't have that ability. I just don't know
(40:49):
how to get rid of How do you do that?
I don't know how to. I don't know how to.
That's what I'm saying. I just love hard and can't
get rid of that has But you definitely can't get
rid of me because I will find your loss. Yeah,
I keep popping up on you. Yeah, I don't want
(41:10):
you to know. And that's the thing. I'm like, it's weird.
I always find light in all the people that I love.
So even we were talking about this earlier, about a
couple of people that we look at is like questionable.
But yeah, and still I'm like, damn, but I love
him because I see his light, and you know, it's
something that's my it's my fault. That's my My mama
called me a pussy when she was mad at me
at that. Psy love you, Koreema. I love you, Koreema.
(41:34):
I love you Koreema. That was gangster and full of love, right,
But I mean, yeah, I dig it. You know I
did that thing about not really trying to get rid
of people or throw people away. That's rough. Boundaries are
your friend? What are those? How you spell that? Boundaries
(41:59):
are your friends? Let's say it again, boundary trees. I'm
gonna get it. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are your friends friends. Yes,
(42:19):
I've had to have boundaries with my own mother. I've
had to have boundaries with my own mother because I
have had too because of her friends. She decides are
her friends. And I said, I ain't your friends. But
you know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna stand over
here my business as long as it doesn't affect me financially,
(42:39):
as long as nobody is hurting you, as long as
it doesn't affect you financially, because that's my money. I'm
going to be quiet until I see that these draining
people are only draining your energy. You know, I can't.
I can't stop you because you've grown, but she normally
(43:00):
comes around at some point like way a manic. I'm like,
that's right, maw. Ain't it something when you become your
mama's bodyguard or her her warrior girl. Listen, my sister
and now are high mess man. We've gotten into many
many instances with people over my mother. My mother had
many years of health issues. So I will say that
(43:22):
there isn't a nurse in Greater Atlanta felt the pain
felt that hasn't felt the presence, the presidence, the presidence.
Dollar to wish that I had had some sisters, you know,
(43:43):
like him, live far away. It wasn't like we got
a chance to see each other all the time, and
it would have been nice. And I did have some cousins,
but they were mad at me because, uh, you know,
this is this is my theory that I was living
in Big Mama's house. You know, I was living at
my with my grandmother with the with the nice at
central air condition and the you know, the thread counts
(44:07):
and queen and furniture and such. You know, so I
was Poe rich, come po rich. Hey, listen, I didn't
have anything to do with that. I didn't have anything
to do with that, you like, I didn't have no
saying living here, I didn't have nothing to do with it.
(44:29):
Did I enjoy it? Absolutely? Oh? I loved I loved
having sisters, and sisters is everything. And and even though
we did discuss the challenges around friendship, I just really
need to reiterate that my my friends are my life savers.
They are my I love them. I love the women
in my life. They are really a made zine and
(44:53):
they add to me on the cellular level. And I'm
just really grateful my sters, so grateful to have. They're
both insane, they're both capricorns, May God bless them. Both
got no sense of humor. They are actually well, they're fun.
My sisters are just like very protective. So even though
(45:16):
I'm grown, I've got more kids than they got in
the whole mane. My sisters are extremely protective and I
love that because now with my mother being going, having
a soft place to land, people who will treat you
like a baby, because who don't need to be treated
like a baby sometimes you listen, I'm gonna just put
this out here real quick while you want you on
(45:37):
this no Asia, because y'all know I said to Jail
I said to Asia the other day, I'm very conscious
of time lately, so and it's to a point where
I might need a little bit of help. But my
point is that when this moment happens that happened with you,
the loss of your mom as an only child, I'll
need all of y'all, everybody. I'm just saying and is
(46:00):
now because I just needed to say it, because I
have these thoughts. I have these thoughts on the daily
and I just I'm saying that to y'all because Asia,
you was a motherfucker soldier, because I just I'm gonna
need everybody. Well, I want to thank both of y'all
because when my mother passed, you both reached out to
me and just really kind of set me some loving
and I need loving and I needed that. I needed
(46:20):
it from every person, you know, everybody who showed up
for me. And you know, it was a really difficult time,
and that really was the time when my friends really
just elevated, like they went into like superstar status during
that time and and it have continued to but yeah, man,
my mom's energy was so big for me that it
(46:42):
needed my friends as a group to show up. But yeah,
I mean I think it's about how you define family,
and friendship has always been a part of my definition
of family. This has always been there for me. And
once I consider you a friend, I consider your family.
(47:03):
It's just that's just what it is. I don't really
have a whole lot of separation for that. In my mind,
I want to be fully present there. But again, boundaries,
m boundaries still exists. Boundary bound keep practicing, says I am.
(47:31):
Get into it, Legs and gentlemen, this conversation has been
about friendships and what they mean, What do they mean
to you? And is somebody really worth your friendship? How
that's a heavy one. What do they add to your life?
(47:52):
Are they training? Are they inspiring? Is it someone that
is maybe tight and you want to break free? These
are all your choices to make. Friendship is good, it's divine,
if it's real. We'll be back after the break. Coming
(48:23):
up next on the show, What's on Your Heart an
occasional segment where we're check in with people we respect
about how they're really feeling hot on y'all, I think
that's somebody calling. That must mean it's time for what's
a hot Ladies and gentlemen, it is our pleasure on
(48:45):
j dot Il to introduce you to you don't already
know the poet Laureat of Philadelphia, Miss Trepida Mason. Yeah,
thank there is such a joy to here Joe and
all of your wonderful folks out here in virtual world. Hello,
it's been years, it has too long, too long, but
(49:10):
you haven't changed. Look a baby knocking on? What what
is it now? Two? Three? Can you believe that? Yeah?
Oh my god, fabulous, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Mrs Chilian looked just as beautiful as ever. You're so
(49:31):
seeing you in panoramic poetry. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that's
that's a throwback. That's a throwback for real. Trepeter Mason
was there when I really started to read poetry at
October Gallery and at uh oh boy Willhelmina's and Warm
(49:53):
Daddies and oh man, so way back. Really really, I
know we show our age on here, but I'm not
ashamed of this life in any way, shape or form.
This is the good stuff. I'm so excited, ladies and gentlemen,
Trepeter Mason is here and you're gonna read a poem
(50:15):
to us. I certainly can, I certainly will have that.
Why don't I do something since we have all these
sisters in it, sisterhood, and say her name? How about that? Okay? Yes,
say her name like you ate, sweet sap. Let it
(50:38):
slide out of you like consecrated nectar. Say her name
like a supplication. Let it grace your lips like sacred psalms.
Say her name like a proclamation. In every line you've
got to decree her saying like that rhythm and her
hip all mysterious and mesmerizing. Say like the crown and
top her head bejeweled and badass adorned and decked out.
(51:01):
Say it. Say it like your pars throp in quinch
with her water like if feverish brow, when cool with
her breath. She is a woman. Call her builder of
people and places and possibilities. Fix her of wretched, wounded
and wayward, lover of men, of women, of babies, of beauty,
owner of joy and peace, and herself generator of protests
(51:24):
and justice and fire. Say her name like a mantra.
Say her name like a mantra. Say her name like
a mantra, over and over again until the breeze chance
it back, until she ceases to be called out of
her name until she can freely claim what is hers,
until her body is not a political agenda, until her
(51:44):
intelligence is not marginalized, until her color is not snubbed
and slighted, until she stops getting less wages. Say her
name until there is no more. She's good for a woman,
she's smart for a woman. She's acting like a man.
Say it because it's glory, is saying because you're basking
her all, because her lfe breaks through the dust, because
(52:04):
her down is our morning song. Say her name over
and over until the wind house it back, until it
graces our lips like a supplication, a sacred song called woman.
That's for your sister jail. Say her name that's supposed
(52:26):
to be. I need you all to understand that this
is truly one of my favorite poets, because as you hear,
it's how she's always been. It's always been a celebration
of the woman. It's always been this beauty. It's always
(52:48):
been this beauty on the tip of her tongue that
she just shared with everybody all the time, and always
such a lady. And if Peter Mason ever cussed, you
knew that something was up. You know that she is
the reason when I say that curse words to have power,
(53:11):
she uses them. They don't use her. And that's the
reason why you know you are who you are. And
Poet Laureette, amongst grants and all kinds of things that
you've been able to acquire, this is someone that is
actually a living, working poet. Are you still in social
(53:32):
work as well? Yes? So I have the honor of
having two jobs, full time parties and a poet. And
then I'm still working in mental health. So I'm a
therapist and a clinical social worker and i work in
Kensington out here in Philly, and we're working with people
with mental health, substance abuse, and also intellectual disabilities. So
(53:54):
that's my daytime job along with the poetry. Also is
the daytime job. I live in Philadelphia. And when you
said Kensington, immediately I understood what is in front of
you in terms of your work and the people that
you are seeing every day. And who better than a
poet to understand their humanity and to offer what needs
(54:16):
to be offered in terms of comfort and support and resources.
What a beautiful way to extend your work outside of
your art. I mean, that's amazing. Thank you. And when
one informs the other. You know, people say, um, where
are you going with the clinical work versus the poetry,
But it really does inform the other because it's therapeutic
either is helping to reach others or even myself, because
(54:39):
I can't really survive this thing we live in without poetry,
without art. It's no way. It's no way, you know.
So I'm curious what is your like on the daily repeeda,
like how do you handle this on the daily? I mean,
I know, I don't know if you write on the daily,
is that like your outlet or But and especially that
(55:00):
you're kids intending you're dealing with a whole another stetic
issues like how did you take care of self on
the daily? On the daily? I don't. I would like
to write more, you know, on the daily prayer, reflection, gratitude. Uh.
And I'm really serious because I was thinking about joy
(55:20):
and this whole idea of cultivating joy and what it
takes to cultivate joy and to be able to get
up in the morning and decide. You know, I have
a thing on my answering machine I've had for many years,
and it says, happiness is a choice is and we
don't owe anybody you know, if no one owes us happiness,
it's a choice. So every day it has to be
(55:42):
a reckoning with that and recognizing that and that that's
how I get through. I have to decide that I'm
going to get through and this is this is me
all day and some days it's not easy. And then
the writing helps because I know I can go to
that place I can create. And then just having gratitude,
I mean, I'm breathing. I got something right, right, you know,
(56:08):
because there's a rough one. You have such you know,
beautiful words for women, and could you tell us like
who in your life, like the women that you're really
thinking of in your mind that are directly tied to
you that informs such a beautiful piece. I think we
can all agree that we can think of the women
whose names we know collectively for the reasons that we
(56:31):
know them. But who was in your heart when you're
saying that, who is the woman you see in your mind?
The person I see the clearest in my mind is
my mother, who I lost two years ago. And this
was a woman who came to America from Liberia. Immigrant
came first working in the hotels, cleaning up hotel rooms
(56:53):
and just always struggling, working as a made all these things,
and then being able to survive she survived or trauma,
all this stuff, and then coming on this side being
an immigrant, dealing with all kinds of stuff and never
really getting the love that she fully deserved. So I'm
thinking about all of these other women that we're all
familiar with, you know, I'll hear Brianna Tail, all these
(57:16):
other folks that we know need their names said and held.
But I have my mom at the core because this
is just some poor African women who didn't go to college,
didn't do any of those things, and she never really
got that she needs to be in a poem, you know.
So I'm always That's what we do this as artists.
(57:37):
I'm always writing, and I'm sure you all do thinking
about these women that are supposed to be poems and
songs and everything else that are not. So I have
to honor them in that in that space trapide, you
got married, Yes, I got are you? No? I'm not
(58:00):
at it was three three years ago. Yeah, I was
single for very long. So when I talk about single,
more than I've been in a relationship through my life.
So the marriage, I was able to find a very
(58:21):
kind soul, that's all. I Liberian. No, he's Jamaican. Yeah, yeah,
he's he'sn't filly. You know we met. You know what
I was doing. I was chilling one day. I was
feeling good. It was feeling good. I was walking with
the hicken Park, just walking. It's been three years, not
in a relationship, mine in my business. And this guy
(58:43):
comes up. I was with two other friends. We were
doing this whole get yourself right exercise, do all this stuff.
When we stopped, they said, don't talk to that, don't
talk to strangers. We don't talk to me in the street,
seven o'clock in the morning, and I said, no, he
seemed like a kind person. Pulled over. We talked, three
women facing this black man, and he says, so, what
(59:05):
are you guys into? You know, what are you all doing?
Later and I and it goes on and on. He says, well,
can I have your number? And I wasn't really sure
who he was directing it too, so I said, well,
what do you want all of our phone numbers? I
started making all these jokes and then he said, you're funny.
I would like your number. And we went out a
month later and we have been inseparable for tenure. Beautiful,
(59:29):
You're so happy, And it was an answer prayer. I
want a reel back for a second. So he hollowed
at you from the car. Yeah you you heard Jill's introduction.
I'm not that girl that's gonna be responding to the car.
But you know, it felt like divine intervention. And I
hate to sound parny here, but it's true. I prayed
(59:52):
and I really wanted this and I and I wanted
a special person who could be loving and kind and
not abusive, not jealous, not all these things, just a
good person because all I want to do is just
be me in my household and me in my community,
you know. And that so regular guy. And you know
(01:00:12):
he's a contractor guy, chef man, the regular man. Yes
see I see listen contractor chefs. I heard he fixing stuff.
Yes that when you put your list down, because I
(01:00:32):
feel like everybody should have a list. You know, what
is it that you really want in a person. I
know a lot of people go for the money thing
and they're like, oh, he's got to have this, that
and the other. You you really truly want to think
about who their heart represents, you know, who's really in there?
Are they kind? Are they decent? Minded? Are they caring?
Are they affectionate? Like the things that really matter? Because
(01:00:56):
you know, money is fleeting. It goes out to win,
though it goes on a bill. If the text man
come get it. You know that that thing doesn't really stay.
Do truly think about the human being that you're spending
your time with. Last, but not least, Tripuda Mazing. What's
on your heart? You know we just had an election. Okay,
(01:01:19):
what's on my heart? It's not just surviving, but thriving.
I talked about cultivating joy. Mental health is also on
my heart because I've been seeing it displayed in different
ways on social media or just through friends. People trying
to cope right now, whether it was through COVID or
through the election, through the whatever. And what can I'm
(01:01:43):
asking this question, what can we do with each other?
I was on a call with sister Sonia Sanchez at
the other day and she said, as women, we need
to be kinder to one another, We need to be
better with one another. We need to forgive and move forward.
And when I'm thinking about these times, I'm thinking about
(01:02:04):
how can I make space a welcoming space, loving space,
a forgiving space, gracious space to be able to welcome
sisters that are on the verge or going through something
or coming out of something, or maybe an whole and
in peace, but still needed to be refueled. That's what's
on my mind. How can I be an agent, a gateway,
(01:02:27):
something to make somebody's day a little better, especially in
these times, especially in these times. I thank you so
much for spending your time with us. Thank you, Thank
you so much for sharing all that you are. You
are an inspiration and have always been from the very
beginning to now, so proud of you. And I'm happy
(01:02:50):
for every instance of happiness that you feel. Thank you.
Look at you. I just want to tell you I
love you and I thank you because whether you're here
or wherever you are in Philly, you have love for us.
And I'm talking about us, and it's really really evident.
I'm very proud of you, and you should know that.
(01:03:13):
Thank you should know that, and I thank you. And
and this wasn't just a love fest between me and
Jail here, ladies, so I thank you for having me
in this space. This is a blessing that's supposed to
be mm hmm well, tear's a joy. J the Podcast
(01:03:33):
And uh, shine your light on another sister friend, even
if it's even if it's a stranger. You see somebody
and you can feel an energy, because that's one of
the powers of black women. We can feel, so we
can feel. We are antennas. And if you happen across
somebody who needs a little bit of light on, needs
(01:03:53):
a gentle touch, going to share that thing. You got gloves,
you got a mask, hurt you, you can do it.
Peace and blessings everybody, so much love, talk to you.
So how do you eat an elephant? One? By? It time?
(01:04:23):
All right, y'all know what time it is. I'm producer
Eves and I'm bringing you yet another resource. This time
I like to share one of Laya's recommendations, which is
the novel The Friends by Rosa Guy. The book is
the first part of a trilogy by the author who
wrote plenty of young adult fiction as well as novels
for adults. That's all for today, and as always I'll
(01:04:45):
drop a link to more info about the book and
the episode description. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott
Presents Jay dot Il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted
(01:05:15):
by Jill Scott, Layah st Clair, and agent Graden Danceler.
It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun.
It's produced by La st Clair and Medeve Jeff Cote.
The editing and sound design for this episode we're done
by Christina Larenger. J dot Ill is a production of
(01:05:37):
I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Jay dot. In a production of My Heart
Piece and Love Y'all, Jill Scott presents Jake dot Ill
with my sister friends Age and and I'm Jill Scott.
The intention is to talk about the relationships between black
(00:26):
women and I know what the media says clearly, you
know that there's always some kind of underlying can't wait
to pop off, somebody's got an attitude. I did an
interview and the journalists was like, we all really love
versus so much because we actually could see and hear
you thinking the two of you and being graceful towards
(00:50):
each other, and like out here in these streets, we
don't know that anymore. We don't really experience that. Sa
if that's so unfortunate, He's like, well that, you know,
it was just a reminder about being graceful with each
other because black women don't like each other. It's like, yeah, well, okay,
that probably does. But see that probably also comes from
(01:14):
the whole and we're just coming out of that the
reality TV culture. So there was a little bit of
time where that was being pressed absolutely like you know,
propaganda obviously, but but playing on the disagreements in the
ways that things can get escalated with with people, but
(01:36):
then inserting black women into that scenario and then deciding
that that's the way that we that we communicate. But
that was a black journalist that you were speaking with
you and continuously inserting us in that scenario. But that's
because the black people we still step out of the TV.
Like if a white person would have said that to you,
that's one thing, but like your everyday life, that's really
(01:57):
how you feel that black women don't get a long Yeah,
it's I mean, I'm not saying that I feel that
way obviously, but I know that's a real thing that
black women do not get along. People believe it. Why
because it's regurgitated over and over and over again anytime
you see a television show, especially reality TV, and people
(02:21):
believe that. So it's like it's the same thing. If
you don't live in this country and all you see
is McDonald's commercials for America, you're going to naturally assume
that McDonald's is America. You know, that's what Americans do.
They go to McDonald's, They eat hamburgers, they eat French fries.
What else do you know? But I want to be clear,
(02:41):
Black women don't get along, but not anymore so than
any other human beings don't get along. Bottom line is that, yeah,
there are some Black women that don't get along, but
it's not like anything amongst us as women that we
just don't get along. And in fact that we have
just such a long history of survival that's all bit
and actually hooked into and tied into. Our actual survival
(03:04):
is based on our being able to get along, in
our ability to have strong, meaningful and way below the
surface relationships. I hate that it's like that. I hate that.
I hated in my core being because I feel like
the people I have the most empathy for in space,
for our black women. Yeah, it's just interesting because not
(03:25):
for nothing. Just on the side note, and I know
y'all don't watch these menial things, but it was a
conversation that came up on the Housewives of Potomac because
for the first time there was a real fight, right,
and so one of the women, she's like a commentator,
professor or Johns Hopkins, and she kept saying, like, you know,
this is just not a good look for Black women,
Like I don't want to be a part of this,
Like I don't want to be on the show Where
(03:46):
Black when she said it so much to the point
where it was just like, Okay, damn, girl, this is
really on the backs of us like that, like we
really have to think. And it's funny because I in
my black my mind, I started thinking, damn, do we
really have to consider this this many times? Like you
said it once, reiterated, and you kind of reinstated that thought,
reiterated that it would be clear right. I think that
(04:07):
there has to be some room for black women to
be angry on television and be angry with one another
on television. It just should not necessarily be the only
thing that we get to see about black women. It
shouldn't be something that's sensationalized and exploited. And that's totally different,
you know what I mean, because the reasons why black
(04:27):
women different in the way that they think that's an
important thing to explore, because our relationships with each other
are complex and they do have a lot of layers,
and many times when you start breaking it down and
you start really getting to the bones of it, what
comes up, y'all already know why is supremacy and be
in there. And so as far as I'm concerning in
(04:49):
order to really fight that particular evil, we have to
be able to step out of the respectability space. Oh,
we gotta make sure that we all getting along, so
people don't think black women is mean. Black women are
mean and nice and lovely and angry and violent and
sweet and nurturing and how other ship don't you think
(05:10):
people learned? It's funny you realize how much they don't
know about a black women when you watch the Kamala debate,
and nobody could decode those spaces but black people and
all of that, all those masks that she had to
put on, and that beautiful smile, which really the same
she just I want to I'm gonna go ahead and
quote a Kindrey song for the first time since we
(05:31):
just started. I say, you're saying at a song called
we Speak with Now, and that right there is exactly
how black people are. There's a huge part of blackness
that involves non verbal and so we have a particular
way that we speak into nation. Words have multiple meanings.
I look the way you telt your head, the way
(05:52):
you might say any of those things, grunts, all types
of stuff we have that we do in order to
make a thing be a thing. I need you to
understand that I have been best friends with one person
my entire life. Kim and I have never even had
an argument, not once for what for what? She understands me.
(06:16):
She's known me before I've had tips, you know, she
knew me before I had a cycle. She knew me.
She's known me. But have y'all cut faces? My question is,
I know you guys haven't argue. But is that because
also you speak a different language, you don't have to argue.
There's a look, there's a sound with you and Kim
as well, like not even an instance of shape, not
(06:38):
one not It's not necessary. She knows me, I know her.
That's that I know her heart. While me and my
best friend have had some difficult conversations, not necessarily arguments,
but we both have been able to be like bitch, no, like,
that's not it. And I think that that's an important
aspect of our freshman and and and much like you,
(06:59):
I've had the same best friends since birth. Our mothers
were actually friends since junior high school. And we're only
a year apart almost, we're almost exactly a year apart, actually,
And so she and I been friends since babies like
we've played together, go up together. But yeah, I mean
we've had to have those conversations. I mean later on
there's the the understanding, right, So she'll say to me, oh,
(07:21):
I know when you ain't feeling something I'm doing or
something that I said, and I'd be like, yeah, you
already know what it is, like I love you but
not you know, so I don't know. I mean, I
think it's to each his own. But it's important again
to state that black women in their relationships are layered,
are complex, are to be. We are, indeed we are.
(07:43):
It has to be. You know, Kim and I honestly
we have never had an argument. And as far as disagreements,
she's so strong and who she is, she doesn't really
I won't say she doesn't care about my opinion, but
she's gonna do what she wants to do how she
wants to do it. And why am I here. I'm
(08:05):
here to support that. As long as you have be babe,
nothing else matters to me. You're good, I'm good. I
tell her, I'm like, I love your children, but fuck
them if they want to add crazy, I'm here for you, right. Yeah,
hey man, that is one thing about your girlfriends. Your
women friends are the people who don't care about nobody else.
They like they are rapping, rapping you fully in the
(08:26):
real fully, And for me, that's so important. That's so
important for a person who's the center of so many
people's lives. So you're the center of your kid's life,
You're the center of your husband's life, and then at
some point you become the center of your parents life
because they get to a certain agent that has to
happen or you can just never leave. Sorry, that was
my two centers. Always to center, go ahead, amen, But
(08:50):
to have your girlfriend's remind you that you you should
be centered in that and they're the first people to
remind you. Those are the women will let you know.
Ain't no, no no, no, wait man, you ain't even talked
about yourself yet. M m you you have you eaten?
How do I mean? What's going on with you? Right?
(09:14):
But but that also ends up being the ways in
which you have to eventually think about all your relationships,
because some relationships can be draining, and the desire to
be there for the women in your life in particular,
who are holding a lot of the same weight that
you're holding, and how that affects you as a person.
I learned that about myself. I'm so sorry to catch
(09:35):
our police forgiven. Oh yeah, I just recently learned that
about myself. I don't do well with needy people. I
don't do well with people that require my insight on
every single thing that they do, in every which way
that they do it. I just I find that to
be a burden. I got my own ship, and if
(09:56):
you need me, actually need me, I'm here for But
if it's it's the menial things, if it's something that
you know what you know, you already know right for,
you laid out all of the scenarios and all of
the things that are troubling you or you already d no.
(10:20):
So now what you're gonna do. You're going you're gonna
marry this dude. I'm with you. You're gonna be with
a woman like whatever it is, because I love you,
Because I love you. So as long as you're all together,
we're good. But as soon as something pop off and
(10:40):
these things are left, I'm on your team. I'm on
your team forever and empty you and ever, and there's
not there's not a lot of that, you know, you
get Lord, I think I have two two and and
a couple of dude amazing friends like that that have
(11:02):
just been my whole life. You know, that's about it.
And then and then there's there's good friends. There's good
friends that serve I guess awesome purpose. Some friends are
there there to make you laugh and and they can't
even help themselves. That's who they are. They're some friends
that you know will allow you to cry because you
(11:23):
need to, and they don't judge it, and they don't
they don't pull a conversation. Different friends for different things.
And yeah, you know, I think that that's that's real though,
because you can't get everything. But that even goes into
relationships period, even in your marriage or even in your
your romantic relationship. You'll never get every single thing from
one person, no matter what, because you're not everything to
(11:47):
someone else. So it's important to or do you want
to be? No, man, No, I do not. I don't
want to be that's too much. Yeah, ain't be everything.
Although I am everything, I can't be your everything. I
can remind everything that has any of your friends ever said?
(12:09):
Do you that you need to be a better friend?
I'm just curious. Yes, yes, I lost a whole friend,
like a whole friend. We still ain't friends. I lost
a whole friend because of that. I still ain't called
him back. I'm like, no, I tried. I actually did.
(12:30):
I tried to reconnect with this person. But this is
years ago, girl, child, this is the time I got married.
But I'm saying that I tried to reconnect with this
person and I still I think they were still hurt.
But I want I want them to know, and I
want you all to know that I forgive me. I'm done.
Hey man, I'm working on it, but I'm gonna call
him first. The guilt is real. My girlfriend and I
(12:53):
very close to me. I love her deeply and dearly,
and we just take breaks. We take for five months,
six months at a time. Because she didn't say it's
up now, I didn't say it's something. We're just rubbing
each other the wrong way. But I know her and
I love her, and today might not be our time. Hey,
(13:15):
I'll be back. I can't have a life without you, babe,
like you you're you're my girl. So right now, while
you figured this out, and while I figured this out,
we just need the part ways because we just need ways. Well,
I don't know if I've ever done it so intentionally,
but I do. I have experienced that before where it's
just like, Okay, a little bit of room is needed,
(13:37):
let's have it, and then you know, you come back
together and it's like, okay, cool, like that was nice.
I missed you, you know, I really did. But I
think also too, we had this moment where there were
words that needed to be said, like difficult things, you know,
and I think sometimes it's harder to work up the
(13:58):
nerve to say some of those things with someone you
love so much. And I appreciated us incorporating that grace
with each other where it was like, yeah, we're talking,
but we know that this is hard, so some of
it is just unspoken. It's like, Okay, I know you're
(14:18):
here because you're sorry, and you know I'm here because
I'm sorry. I love you, and we don't have to
get into the particulars of the particulars of the particulars. Well,
it's also to understanding that some of my friends have
an understanding my life is interesting. I feel like I've
been hustling for a while. So because I've been on
my hustle, because I just got off somebody's couch two
(14:40):
years ago. I haven't. You are always be able to
catch up with people. So you have this, you know
some certain friends who understand your life now and it's like, girl,
whenever you can call, I'm here. I love you. But
then I have to realize that I got a couple
of other friends that are like, where were you right?
And I have to explain I'm like, what you do
know that when the ship hits the fan, I'm the
friend that's there, Like if something happens to you, I'm
(15:02):
on a plane. So I need you to kind of
understand that how my my love is my love, you
know what I mean. And so that's regardless of how
much I'm calling or whatever the case, because you don't
know what's really going going on. Yeah. But see, because
of the job that I have, I found myself dealing
with that where it's like I can't be at everybody's
(15:24):
with it. I can't be at everybody's birthday, can be X,
Y and Z because of my job, you know, and
that whole thing there. It's like if my kids have
to deal with that I can't be at every recital,
then why can't Then why can't you? And it's like
you know that whole back and forth with you're not
there enough for me. That's what I've been That's what
(15:46):
I've been getting and understanding that we just had to
hold to our conversation this week. But I can't do
that every day or every week, like you're gonna have
to handle that thing that we've discussed at length. You
now have to handle that, And I get I don't.
I'm not doing well with saying the same thing over
(16:06):
and over and over again, and you're repeating it back
to me as if you understand it and you think
the same thing that I'm thinking. At that point, it's like,
you know, we're supposed to bump fist and like go forth,
but next week we're right back at it again. It's
so true. How many times we gonna playing like you
you got an issue, I'm helping you plan it out.
We didn't met the whole thing out, and it's like,
go go, So why are we gotta? Why are we?
(16:28):
Why are we back? I will have to say this
now I have the very best crew, because these are
things that they don't want understand now. The same challenges
that I had ten years ago, I don't think I
have them as much. Now you know what I mean.
Now I'm thinking this coul I got now that's been
around me for a very long time. That gets the
(16:50):
whole scenario. I have to keep on saying, blah blah
blah blah blah. They playing stuff in there like that.
This means that agent we won't confirm her till thirty
is out. We already know we're still gonna playing. But
we already know. Boo, if you're not there, you the
in spirit, we love you. But I do think that
(17:10):
takes time. That does take time. It takes that's that's
and and and it also comes from communicating because I
think sometimes people do this what you guys are saying
and what we've all said, they do these things to us,
and we're so drained emotionally from the exchange that we
don't tell them. He since this is problematic. I don't
(17:34):
have it. I can't do it today. I had to
learn to tell my own children, I don't have this
for you today. And again, if I can tell my
own kids, I don't have this for you today, and
they understand, Yeah, we're gonna take a quick break and
(17:56):
then we'll be right back. I had a girlfriend tell
me one time she said, has anybody ever told you
you were inconsiderate? Who? It was such a punch in
(18:17):
a chest because I I think that I'm being considerate
of others. But I had to sit back and look
at that and go, oh, snap, that was pretty inconsiderate.
And I'm gonna have to adjust my thinking because I
know her and I trust her and she has been
(18:37):
a beaming light in my life. So why would she
lie to me? And why would she try to harm me?
Come on, come on, there's a thing. This is how
you know? It did thing? It did sting, and I
had to reevaluate myself. That's a good friendship. That's a
good friendship. If Kim can I say this too? And
this is something I struggled with is sometimes I would
(19:02):
have these situations with my friends where it would be
draining different things than them, depending on me and for
just my energy and insight whatever it is was going
on with me. But there was a part of me
that was allowing it to happen because I loved feeling needed,
and so I was perpetuating the situation and then talking,
(19:24):
oh I'm so tired or everybody needs me, when it
was like, oh, no, bitch, but you keep answering your
phone because there's a part of you that feels validated.
And I had to think about that. Like I would
give someone advice and they said, oh girl, that was
good advice. I'd be like, I am, look at me.
(19:47):
Next time you need me calling up girl, I'll be
here for you. Right. It's a hero complex bullshit. That
was just too much and I was really hurting myself,
you know, so what that somebody told me? And I
had to feel the sting I found out this thing,
just kind of coming to terms with the part I
was playing in the situation like click when you wake
(20:11):
up and you realize then you're dealing with stuff that's
not in your house more than you're dealing with your
own house. I will run across this room when you're
dealing with everybody else's stuff and not maintaining your own.
It's like they have this game called The Sims. I
(20:32):
don't know if you'll remember that, but I was. I
was a junkie for The Sims. I love that game.
And I would play The Sims and my little characters
would meet somebody and I would build the house and
get their furniture and they had to have a job,
and they had to pay the bills or the people
will come and take that stuff away. It was a game.
And then I woke up one day and realized. I
(20:53):
was like, girl, you got dishes in the sink, Like,
what are you doing. Sim's house immaculate, right, Sim's houses running.
She gets enough rest. You know, my little characters got
a new outfit on my character, you know, hanging out
(21:15):
with friends because they need social activity, you know what
I'm saying. But I, on the other hand, having walked
alone making it, I haven't washed my ass into that
because I'm dealing with this, with this that is it's
not our friendship. Stuff you know isn't inconsequential to us,
But it doesn't hold the same level of consequence as
(21:38):
me having some old, dirty dishes in my sink and
possibly bringing in the thing that I don't want the
most mass pro chest. I don't want them. I don't
want them. I don't who would want that. I'm just
saying that, Hey, we are focusing on somebody else's life
so much, we're not dealing with the ship. And that's
(21:59):
how you know that you're not servicing yourself at all.
And and that's the evolution of understanding friendship and connection
with the women in your life. Because when I was
a kid, my life was my mother had great girlfriends.
They were our family. When I took my husband home
(22:20):
to me my family, he like, um, excoose me um.
How many aunts do you have? I'm like, I have
nine thousand. I have eighty aunts, okay. And so my
mother always has such a great friend group when these
women helped to raise us because they were mostly single
mothers themselves, so she had built a community. So the
(22:41):
way I looked at women friends growing up was that
these people are in essence my responsibility as I'm theirs.
So how I looked that friendship with so much more
about family, and I had to take the good parts
of that and then spit out the parts that were
sort of toxic in the way that we kind of
just because somebody present into thing doesn't mean that that's
how we didn't take it, you know what I mean.
(23:04):
But as I got older, I started to understand some
key differences in the way that my mother functioned in
her friendships. My mother would play the lottery and she
will win. She wanted a lottery a lot Actually, my
mother will win a lottery a lot, you know, not
a lot of money, five hundred dollars dollars, that kind
of thing, and she would bring a little cash home.
She count the cash out, she put a little bit
(23:24):
to the side. Then she go to the drug store
and get cards, and so then she count out three
little stacks of the rest of the money. She would
figure out which if her girlfriends were in the worst situation,
whether they wasn't working or something was going on their life,
and she would take the rest of her lottery money
and put it into the cards and then send them
in the mail to her friends, and they wouldn't know
that money was coming, you know. But I've seen my
(23:46):
mother do this multiple times, and so in my mind
that is how I thought, you know, friendship was supposed
to be, which it is. But again, they had this
system based on necessity and need for family and support.
And there was one important thing that wasn't there. And
not that we were at lack, but there wasn't any men.
(24:08):
These were single mothers. So when they got us together
to go to the beach, we all went to the beach.
When we went camping, we all went camping. And as
I got older, my girlfriends, and now we got married,
we had kids, we had separate families, so our lives
were a little bit more isolated, and so it didn't
function in that same way. So I kept trying to
function like my mom and them did, and it just
(24:31):
was a different scenario. So we had to find our
own way. So I say all that to say, you
have to kind of figure out what works for you
and how you can take what you learned about friendship
and what you observed about friendship and see how that
works in the system of your own life. Sorry, and
that was a long story, but no, it's the truth.
So here's the thing, and went friendships. I'm gonna need
(24:58):
my friends. And I'm just saying if I were building
friendships right now, I'm gonna need my friends to give
me the benefit of the doubt. It drives me crazy
when any friend of mine assumes the worst about me,
that bothers me. That means that we're not really friends,
(25:19):
That means that you don't know me very well, Like,
could you ask first before you assume the absolute worst?
Could you talk to me first? I don't like that.
I don't like that at all. I feel like most
real friends would though that's my point. Friends would be like, girl,
did you And when people believe the negative before they
(25:40):
talk to me, that means that we're not friends. When
you have a yeah, you have this added ship, you
know what I mean? What makes it so much hard
to navigate your your friendships and your association call it
what it is, you know, right from both yeah and
(26:01):
so yeah, I mean that that's it's crazy, you know
what I mean. You might not talk to somebody for
for six months to a year or something like that.
They hear some dumb ship, they're like, wait a minute,
let me call you, and fine, No, that's what it's.
That's the way that's that's the way that that happens,
you know what I mean. And also too they'd be like,
look at this ship or here they shouldn't be like
(26:23):
think about that, but that ship. Best believe Jill. Yeah
I did not picked up. Yeah, I did not picked
up a lot of times for that same reason. Thanks Like, no,
that don't sound like Jill or somebody just believes anything.
(26:46):
That just means you're not a friend of mine too,
Like I saw, for instance, on on social media, not
that these people were friends of Chadwicks Chadwick Brozeman. I
saw that, you know, when he lost a lot of weight,
people were really going in and saying things like, oh, yeah,
you know he's on that Hollywood, or vegan ain't for everybody,
(27:07):
or you know that cocaine hit different, or you know.
I saw a lot of negativity. And Chad and I
we got really really really cool during our time together,
and he always made it a point to look out
for me whenever, and I always, you know, honestly, really
(27:30):
really appreciated that. So it was only right for me
to reach out for him or reach out to him.
But I just wished him lighting love. I didn't ask
him anything because I felt like if he wanted me
to know something, he would tell me. So his response
(27:51):
to me sending him love periodically was thank you for
being a friend that doesn't need explanations all and and
that's that's what I'm talking about. That's genuine friendship. Some
are really really deep and you know everything about a person.
(28:14):
Some are deep and you know, you just know their spirit,
you know their energy, you know that you know. And
some are fickle as fucked and need to be placed
in a safe space or not had at all, and
at this point in my life. You know, at this age,
(28:35):
I'm like, ah, I have no friends, but I don't
have a lot of patients. For that, I don't even
want to meet anybody new. Should I wish I could
forget some of the people I knew before, but they're
they dissipated out of my life perfectly, divinely. Yeah, I've
(28:59):
met some amazing people in the past five years or
maybe maybe more like maybe six seven, So I definitely
understand the fact of having like a really strong group
and sticking with that. But also to you know, how
you evolved in a lot of ways, not everywhere because
you're gonna do it bs either way. Sometimes how you
(29:21):
evolved a lot of times does begin to attract certain
people who are right in line in alignment. And I'm
so happy with some of the women have come into
my life in recent years who have brought something so
special to my space that now I don't see my
life without them And I didn't have what they had
to offer before they came along. And so I have
(29:45):
really had some fabulous interactions like that here in the
past five six years, and um, I am so grateful
for that. But I think a lot of it has
to do with how I have evolved and the things
that I've you know, worked on it myself. I was
gonna say, that's that's funny you say that, Asia, because
on that note, Jill like not for nothing, I would say.
(30:08):
Seven years ago, I was introduced to a girl via
a mutual friend who was his cousin, and we didn't
meet for a couple of years. Fast forward, I moved
to l A. The person that I'm staying with is
moving back to Philly, and this girl named Kadija, who
barely knew me. We just knew each other from email
and a couple of times from years before, said to me,
(30:28):
you want to stay at my house? And so fast
forward I lived on her couch for two years and
this girl is literally like she's she's the best friend
to me now, And not just for that reason, but
also because this girl had been in film for fifteen
years from Philly and lived in Hollywood and understood the language,
and just she was my try. I had no idea
(30:49):
that I can meet somebody who was my tribe. And
thank you God, thank you God for Kadija. Now, don't
get me wrong, I'm thank you for Conthegian. I'm open um.
I'm open to people who are on my trial. I'm
absolutely open to it. But it does make things a
(31:09):
lot more challenging for me because people's so that they
already know me because they heard some music or read
some articles. Even in relationships, like people will absolutely pretend
their assof in order to get in your good graces.
(31:30):
Damn ja, I know you've got some things, some stories. Yeah.
I tell people all the time that it can be
very challenging being multiple people's best resource. And I think
sometimes people don't mean to be in their minds, in hearts,
they don't mean to present like that in your life.
(31:53):
But there are times when people are your friends, are
close to you, and when they think of something that
they're doing, they're like, oh, I know who to call
because in their lives, you're the best resource they've got.
And that can happen for people who aren't even in
public life. Like that can mean like you're an attorney,
or maybe you make the most money in your family,
(32:15):
or maybe you're the most educated in your family, or
maybe you have the car, maybe the only person in
the family has has a car. Like anything can happen
to where you become the most resourced person. So I
think it's really important in terms of friendships, especially if
I was talking to younger women, is to try to
not always be the most resourced person in the room.
(32:37):
If you're everybody's best resource in the room, then mix
it up a little bit. Have a mentor have somebody
who knows some things and has access to some things
that you don't, so that you're not always the person
to go to for every single thing. You know what
I mean? And you know, I don't know if that
I hope that doesn't sound like shady, but I don't
(32:59):
think so. I think that people have this thing about
loyalty and you're supposed to have your right or die friends. Well,
your ride or die friends have to ride or die
for you too. They have to for me. I believe
my friendships are with people that are growing. If you're stagnant,
(33:20):
you can be an associate, you can be somebody I know,
and I can love you from afar, but you can't
go where I'm going. And and that doesn't necessarily mean
like success wise far as a career. It just means
that I don't on the East Wine. It just it
(33:40):
means that I'm making some decisions about what I am
and how I do things, and I need my my
my friend to be making decisions about how they are
and how they do things too, and hopefully we're in alignment.
And I you know, that's it, that's it, that's how
I feel. I just can't that right there. I just
(34:01):
can't feel drained. It's not even like some malice. It's
just like I just can't feel drained. If I feel drained,
then I have to make decisions about boundaries. Boundaries don't
mean I don't like you or love you. Boundaries is
exactly what it is. There's really no gray areas, just
that there's some things I cannot do in ways that
I cannot interact and I'm just not going to do that.
That's like, it's not negotiable under any circumstances. And I
(34:23):
wasn't that person. I definitely wasn't that person, and I
had to learn the hard way. And also I want
to add this little bit that you never know who
has the tools that you need, because you can, just
like that, have an experience that none of your friends
can relate to, just like that, and somebody will enter
(34:47):
your life who knows how you feel, been there and
can speak the language of your experience, and that doesn't
happen just because somebody being your friend a long time,
and they may only be there for a moment, just
to get you through this thing. Listen, and then and
you're forever grateful. Listen. I don't know if you guys
(35:11):
ever heard of Supernanny Ya Yoe Frost. I'm trying to
tell you that when I was black the white, when
I was in Los Angeles by myself, trying to figure
out what I was supposed to be doing with this baby,
Joe would call me all the time, checking up on me,
telling me how I'm supposed to do this, that or
(35:33):
the other. That's my point. After Jet was a certain age,
you know, I didn't really talk to her that much.
But every now and then I'll shout her out. I'll
give her a call like, hey, what you're doing, what
you're up to, and I'm happy to hear that she's
happy and enjoying her life. But at that time, she
(35:54):
showed up. She showed up. That kind of thing happens, yo.
Can I tell y'all funny? Because I'm I'm very proud
of my friend's circle, although at times it can be
rather large, because I didn't live in a couple of
places for long periods of time. But I will say
that I do tell people all the time it's really
dope to have a diverse friend's circle in the sense
of resources, in the sense that I do have. Like
(36:16):
I got friends that you know everything there is about
the streets. But I also got like a lawyer, I
got me a lot like and best believe, we used
every sort, especially Dr Nigga. Shout out to my doctor Nigga. Yes,
that's what we call him, because no matter what how
much money he made, he will always be Dr Nigga
to us. But when my daddy got sick, we found
out he had pneumonia with Dr Nigga and said take
(36:36):
him to the hospital. You know what I mean. But again,
it just helps to have a full circle, a nice
little yes, so you don't have, like you said, agent,
so you don't have to drain one. You got multiple
source situation, Oh my god, it's such a blessing. Yes,
And I told you guys this before. There was a
time in my life where that situation I couldn't make
(36:57):
up my mind about certain things. And people with co
signing each other but not know having that diverse friends
circle also closes that space in your mind where you
have doubt ye yes, because you're like, oh, that gentle
affirmation yes, just or that loud affirmation that that's right.
(37:17):
You know all of those things. Man, that's that's that
a light Like I just got the courage to ask
some of my bougee friends about financial things and financial
advice because I'm like, you know what, let me stop
talking about how bouge they are, how I can't afford
to go to dinner with y'all and find out how
you're doing it. Amen, Because that right there, that whole
thing about that shame of not feeling like, oh well
(37:38):
I don't have it like that, and blah blah blah blah.
We'll keep people from communicating some really great stuff with
each other. Oh my god. And when I asked to
flood it in, it was like, yeah, like you should
know about this is a matter of fact. I'm gonna
send you this article. And amen, wouldn't they rather tell
you that than I guess we all have been in
a situation we had to ask for friends help, but
and not that they wouldn't want to give you, but
(38:00):
thinking ahead, Yes, it's better than asking for fifty Okay,
how about how what's that with loaning money to a friend.
I don't mean anything that I expect to get back.
I just don't nice nice Typically that's my rule. Normally,
that is how I respond as well. I don't really
(38:21):
expect to get it back. But you're consistent, you keep
coming back. You don't have to pay me back. And
when you don't pay me back, our friendship with money
is over. You can't ask me for nothing. This is it,
this is over. It's no miss. I have a friend
who came in the clutch. I came through for him
and clutch, and it hurt my feelings so much that
(38:43):
he went on Facebook, he got married, he's going on vacations,
doing all of this stuff. But you haven't made an
effort to pay me at least a hundred dollars a month. No, okay,
I don't want to hear about your situations and your
your your goods or your bads. I don't hear any
of it. I don't care. Now you're being I find
(39:03):
you disrespectful. You need to give me my money until then,
I don't. I don't want to know anything about your life.
I don't I'm sorry. I just find that very very
disrespectful when you come through, is right. That's the lesson
that I need to know about that guy. Yeah, because
(39:24):
I've had people reach out to me about money that
I wasn't even thinking about, and I'm like, you know what,
I don't need that right now, and unless you have
a surplus, keep it mm hmm. Because I do think
it's important that people communicate its respect, communication, because that's
kind of how love. Love flourishes through respect and communication,
(39:47):
and the friendship is no different than anything else that
you want to last. I feel for some people, and
I've had conversations with women like this before where they're like,
I don't really have any really strong friendships with men
or women, and that always makes me a little bit
sad because I don't know how to respond to it.
I talked to a woman recently who I think is
(40:08):
actually brilliant and oftentimes speaks from this place that she
helps a lot of people. She does work with coaching
people through homeschooling, and does like some other things as well,
and she had revealed to me that she, you know,
didn't have a whole lot of women friends. She didn't
have a whole lot of friends, and I didn't know
what to tell her, but I did say, hey, listen,
(40:28):
I consider you a friend, so you can add me
into the fold because I think she's just an amazing person.
But I always wonder what it's like when you have
difficulty forming those types of relationships when you were not
very social, like like you a socialist. Hell, I'm not
surprised to know that she has a diverse friend group,
but everybody doesn't have that ability. I just don't know
(40:49):
how to get rid of How do you do that?
I don't know how to. I don't know how to.
That's what I'm saying. I just love hard and can't
get rid of that has But you definitely can't get
rid of me because I will find your loss. Yeah,
I keep popping up on you. Yeah, I don't want
(41:10):
you to know. And that's the thing. I'm like, it's weird.
I always find light in all the people that I love.
So even we were talking about this earlier, about a
couple of people that we look at is like questionable.
But yeah, and still I'm like, damn, but I love
him because I see his light, and you know, it's
something that's my it's my fault. That's my My mama
called me a pussy when she was mad at me
at that. Psy love you, Koreema. I love you, Koreema.
(41:34):
I love you Koreema. That was gangster and full of love, right,
But I mean, yeah, I dig it. You know I
did that thing about not really trying to get rid
of people or throw people away. That's rough. Boundaries are
your friend? What are those? How you spell that? Boundaries
(41:59):
are your friends? Let's say it again, boundary trees. I'm
gonna get it. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are your friends friends. Yes,
(42:19):
I've had to have boundaries with my own mother. I've
had to have boundaries with my own mother because I
have had too because of her friends. She decides are
her friends. And I said, I ain't your friends. But
you know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna stand over
here my business as long as it doesn't affect me financially,
(42:39):
as long as nobody is hurting you, as long as
it doesn't affect you financially, because that's my money. I'm
going to be quiet until I see that these draining
people are only draining your energy. You know, I can't.
I can't stop you because you've grown, but she normally
(43:00):
comes around at some point like way a manic. I'm like,
that's right, maw. Ain't it something when you become your
mama's bodyguard or her her warrior girl. Listen, my sister
and now are high mess man. We've gotten into many
many instances with people over my mother. My mother had
many years of health issues. So I will say that
(43:22):
there isn't a nurse in Greater Atlanta felt the pain
felt that hasn't felt the presence, the presidence, the presidence.
Dollar to wish that I had had some sisters, you know,
(43:43):
like him, live far away. It wasn't like we got
a chance to see each other all the time, and
it would have been nice. And I did have some cousins,
but they were mad at me because, uh, you know,
this is this is my theory that I was living
in Big Mama's house. You know, I was living at
my with my grandmother with the with the nice at
central air condition and the you know, the thread counts
(44:07):
and queen and furniture and such. You know, so I
was Poe rich, come po rich. Hey, listen, I didn't
have anything to do with that. I didn't have anything
to do with that, you like, I didn't have no
saying living here, I didn't have nothing to do with it.
(44:29):
Did I enjoy it? Absolutely? Oh? I loved I loved
having sisters, and sisters is everything. And and even though
we did discuss the challenges around friendship, I just really
need to reiterate that my my friends are my life savers.
They are my I love them. I love the women
in my life. They are really a made zine and
(44:53):
they add to me on the cellular level. And I'm
just really grateful my sters, so grateful to have. They're
both insane, they're both capricorns, May God bless them. Both
got no sense of humor. They are actually well, they're fun.
My sisters are just like very protective. So even though
(45:16):
I'm grown, I've got more kids than they got in
the whole mane. My sisters are extremely protective and I
love that because now with my mother being going, having
a soft place to land, people who will treat you
like a baby, because who don't need to be treated
like a baby sometimes you listen, I'm gonna just put
this out here real quick while you want you on
(45:37):
this no Asia, because y'all know I said to Jail
I said to Asia the other day, I'm very conscious
of time lately, so and it's to a point where
I might need a little bit of help. But my
point is that when this moment happens that happened with you,
the loss of your mom as an only child, I'll
need all of y'all, everybody. I'm just saying and is
(46:00):
now because I just needed to say it, because I
have these thoughts. I have these thoughts on the daily
and I just I'm saying that to y'all because Asia,
you was a motherfucker soldier, because I just I'm gonna
need everybody. Well, I want to thank both of y'all
because when my mother passed, you both reached out to
me and just really kind of set me some loving
and I need loving and I needed that. I needed
(46:20):
it from every person, you know, everybody who showed up
for me. And you know, it was a really difficult time,
and that really was the time when my friends really
just elevated, like they went into like superstar status during
that time and and it have continued to but yeah, man,
my mom's energy was so big for me that it
(46:42):
needed my friends as a group to show up. But yeah,
I mean I think it's about how you define family,
and friendship has always been a part of my definition
of family. This has always been there for me. And
once I consider you a friend, I consider your family.
(47:03):
It's just that's just what it is. I don't really
have a whole lot of separation for that. In my mind,
I want to be fully present there. But again, boundaries,
m boundaries still exists. Boundary bound keep practicing, says I am.
(47:31):
Get into it, Legs and gentlemen, this conversation has been
about friendships and what they mean, What do they mean
to you? And is somebody really worth your friendship? How
that's a heavy one. What do they add to your life?
(47:52):
Are they training? Are they inspiring? Is it someone that
is maybe tight and you want to break free? These
are all your choices to make. Friendship is good, it's divine,
if it's real. We'll be back after the break. Coming
(48:23):
up next on the show, What's on Your Heart an
occasional segment where we're check in with people we respect
about how they're really feeling hot on y'all, I think
that's somebody calling. That must mean it's time for what's
a hot Ladies and gentlemen, it is our pleasure on
(48:45):
j dot Il to introduce you to you don't already
know the poet Laureat of Philadelphia, Miss Trepida Mason. Yeah,
thank there is such a joy to here Joe and
all of your wonderful folks out here in virtual world. Hello,
it's been years, it has too long, too long, but
(49:10):
you haven't changed. Look a baby knocking on? What what
is it now? Two? Three? Can you believe that? Yeah?
Oh my god, fabulous, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Mrs Chilian looked just as beautiful as ever. You're so
(49:31):
seeing you in panoramic poetry. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that's
that's a throwback. That's a throwback for real. Trepeter Mason
was there when I really started to read poetry at
October Gallery and at uh oh boy Willhelmina's and Warm
(49:53):
Daddies and oh man, so way back. Really really, I
know we show our age on here, but I'm not
ashamed of this life in any way, shape or form.
This is the good stuff. I'm so excited, ladies and gentlemen,
Trepeter Mason is here and you're gonna read a poem
(50:15):
to us. I certainly can, I certainly will have that.
Why don't I do something since we have all these
sisters in it, sisterhood, and say her name? How about that? Okay? Yes,
say her name like you ate, sweet sap. Let it
(50:38):
slide out of you like consecrated nectar. Say her name
like a supplication. Let it grace your lips like sacred psalms.
Say her name like a proclamation. In every line you've
got to decree her saying like that rhythm and her
hip all mysterious and mesmerizing. Say like the crown and
top her head bejeweled and badass adorned and decked out.
(51:01):
Say it. Say it like your pars throp in quinch
with her water like if feverish brow, when cool with
her breath. She is a woman. Call her builder of
people and places and possibilities. Fix her of wretched, wounded
and wayward, lover of men, of women, of babies, of beauty,
owner of joy and peace, and herself generator of protests
(51:24):
and justice and fire. Say her name like a mantra.
Say her name like a mantra. Say her name like
a mantra, over and over again until the breeze chance
it back, until she ceases to be called out of
her name until she can freely claim what is hers,
until her body is not a political agenda, until her
(51:44):
intelligence is not marginalized, until her color is not snubbed
and slighted, until she stops getting less wages. Say her
name until there is no more. She's good for a woman,
she's smart for a woman. She's acting like a man.
Say it because it's glory, is saying because you're basking
her all, because her lfe breaks through the dust, because
(52:04):
her down is our morning song. Say her name over
and over until the wind house it back, until it
graces our lips like a supplication, a sacred song called woman.
That's for your sister jail. Say her name that's supposed
(52:26):
to be. I need you all to understand that this
is truly one of my favorite poets, because as you hear,
it's how she's always been. It's always been a celebration
of the woman. It's always been this beauty. It's always
(52:48):
been this beauty on the tip of her tongue that
she just shared with everybody all the time, and always
such a lady. And if Peter Mason ever cussed, you
knew that something was up. You know that she is
the reason when I say that curse words to have power,
(53:11):
she uses them. They don't use her. And that's the
reason why you know you are who you are. And
Poet Laureette, amongst grants and all kinds of things that
you've been able to acquire, this is someone that is
actually a living, working poet. Are you still in social
(53:32):
work as well? Yes? So I have the honor of
having two jobs, full time parties and a poet. And
then I'm still working in mental health. So I'm a
therapist and a clinical social worker and i work in
Kensington out here in Philly, and we're working with people
with mental health, substance abuse, and also intellectual disabilities. So
(53:54):
that's my daytime job along with the poetry. Also is
the daytime job. I live in Philadelphia. And when you
said Kensington, immediately I understood what is in front of
you in terms of your work and the people that
you are seeing every day. And who better than a
poet to understand their humanity and to offer what needs
(54:16):
to be offered in terms of comfort and support and resources.
What a beautiful way to extend your work outside of
your art. I mean, that's amazing. Thank you. And when
one informs the other. You know, people say, um, where
are you going with the clinical work versus the poetry,
But it really does inform the other because it's therapeutic
either is helping to reach others or even myself, because
(54:39):
I can't really survive this thing we live in without poetry,
without art. It's no way. It's no way, you know.
So I'm curious what is your like on the daily repeeda,
like how do you handle this on the daily? I mean,
I know, I don't know if you write on the daily,
is that like your outlet or But and especially that
(55:00):
you're kids intending you're dealing with a whole another stetic
issues like how did you take care of self on
the daily? On the daily? I don't. I would like
to write more, you know, on the daily prayer, reflection, gratitude. Uh.
And I'm really serious because I was thinking about joy
(55:20):
and this whole idea of cultivating joy and what it
takes to cultivate joy and to be able to get
up in the morning and decide. You know, I have
a thing on my answering machine I've had for many years,
and it says, happiness is a choice is and we
don't owe anybody you know, if no one owes us happiness,
it's a choice. So every day it has to be
(55:42):
a reckoning with that and recognizing that and that that's
how I get through. I have to decide that I'm
going to get through and this is this is me
all day and some days it's not easy. And then
the writing helps because I know I can go to
that place I can create. And then just having gratitude,
I mean, I'm breathing. I got something right, right, you know,
(56:08):
because there's a rough one. You have such you know,
beautiful words for women, and could you tell us like
who in your life, like the women that you're really
thinking of in your mind that are directly tied to
you that informs such a beautiful piece. I think we
can all agree that we can think of the women
whose names we know collectively for the reasons that we
(56:31):
know them. But who was in your heart when you're
saying that, who is the woman you see in your mind?
The person I see the clearest in my mind is
my mother, who I lost two years ago. And this
was a woman who came to America from Liberia. Immigrant
came first working in the hotels, cleaning up hotel rooms
(56:53):
and just always struggling, working as a made all these things,
and then being able to survive she survived or trauma,
all this stuff, and then coming on this side being
an immigrant, dealing with all kinds of stuff and never
really getting the love that she fully deserved. So I'm
thinking about all of these other women that we're all
familiar with, you know, I'll hear Brianna Tail, all these
(57:16):
other folks that we know need their names said and held.
But I have my mom at the core because this
is just some poor African women who didn't go to college,
didn't do any of those things, and she never really
got that she needs to be in a poem, you know.
So I'm always That's what we do this as artists.
(57:37):
I'm always writing, and I'm sure you all do thinking
about these women that are supposed to be poems and
songs and everything else that are not. So I have
to honor them in that in that space trapide, you
got married, Yes, I got are you? No? I'm not
(58:00):
at it was three three years ago. Yeah, I was
single for very long. So when I talk about single,
more than I've been in a relationship through my life.
So the marriage, I was able to find a very
(58:21):
kind soul, that's all. I Liberian. No, he's Jamaican. Yeah, yeah,
he's he'sn't filly. You know we met. You know what
I was doing. I was chilling one day. I was
feeling good. It was feeling good. I was walking with
the hicken Park, just walking. It's been three years, not
in a relationship, mine in my business. And this guy
(58:43):
comes up. I was with two other friends. We were
doing this whole get yourself right exercise, do all this stuff.
When we stopped, they said, don't talk to that, don't
talk to strangers. We don't talk to me in the street,
seven o'clock in the morning, and I said, no, he
seemed like a kind person. Pulled over. We talked, three
women facing this black man, and he says, so, what
(59:05):
are you guys into? You know, what are you all doing?
Later and I and it goes on and on. He says, well,
can I have your number? And I wasn't really sure
who he was directing it too, so I said, well,
what do you want all of our phone numbers? I
started making all these jokes and then he said, you're funny.
I would like your number. And we went out a
month later and we have been inseparable for tenure. Beautiful,
(59:29):
You're so happy, And it was an answer prayer. I
want a reel back for a second. So he hollowed
at you from the car. Yeah you you heard Jill's introduction.
I'm not that girl that's gonna be responding to the car.
But you know, it felt like divine intervention. And I
hate to sound parny here, but it's true. I prayed
(59:52):
and I really wanted this and I and I wanted
a special person who could be loving and kind and
not abusive, not jealous, not all these things, just a
good person because all I want to do is just
be me in my household and me in my community,
you know. And that so regular guy. And you know
(01:00:12):
he's a contractor guy, chef man, the regular man. Yes
see I see listen contractor chefs. I heard he fixing stuff.
Yes that when you put your list down, because I
(01:00:32):
feel like everybody should have a list. You know, what
is it that you really want in a person. I
know a lot of people go for the money thing
and they're like, oh, he's got to have this, that
and the other. You you really truly want to think
about who their heart represents, you know, who's really in there?
Are they kind? Are they decent? Minded? Are they caring?
Are they affectionate? Like the things that really matter? Because
(01:00:56):
you know, money is fleeting. It goes out to win,
though it goes on a bill. If the text man
come get it. You know that that thing doesn't really stay.
Do truly think about the human being that you're spending
your time with. Last, but not least, Tripuda Mazing. What's
on your heart? You know we just had an election. Okay,
(01:01:19):
what's on my heart? It's not just surviving, but thriving.
I talked about cultivating joy. Mental health is also on
my heart because I've been seeing it displayed in different
ways on social media or just through friends. People trying
to cope right now, whether it was through COVID or
through the election, through the whatever. And what can I'm
(01:01:43):
asking this question, what can we do with each other?
I was on a call with sister Sonia Sanchez at
the other day and she said, as women, we need
to be kinder to one another, We need to be
better with one another. We need to forgive and move forward.
And when I'm thinking about these times, I'm thinking about
(01:02:04):
how can I make space a welcoming space, loving space,
a forgiving space, gracious space to be able to welcome
sisters that are on the verge or going through something
or coming out of something, or maybe an whole and
in peace, but still needed to be refueled. That's what's
on my mind. How can I be an agent, a gateway,
(01:02:27):
something to make somebody's day a little better, especially in
these times, especially in these times. I thank you so
much for spending your time with us. Thank you, Thank
you so much for sharing all that you are. You
are an inspiration and have always been from the very
beginning to now, so proud of you. And I'm happy
(01:02:50):
for every instance of happiness that you feel. Thank you.
Look at you. I just want to tell you I
love you and I thank you because whether you're here
or wherever you are in Philly, you have love for us.
And I'm talking about us, and it's really really evident.
I'm very proud of you, and you should know that.
(01:03:13):
Thank you should know that, and I thank you. And
and this wasn't just a love fest between me and
Jail here, ladies, so I thank you for having me
in this space. This is a blessing that's supposed to
be mm hmm well, tear's a joy. J the Podcast
(01:03:33):
And uh, shine your light on another sister friend, even
if it's even if it's a stranger. You see somebody
and you can feel an energy, because that's one of
the powers of black women. We can feel, so we
can feel. We are antennas. And if you happen across
somebody who needs a little bit of light on, needs
(01:03:53):
a gentle touch, going to share that thing. You got gloves,
you got a mask, hurt you, you can do it.
Peace and blessings everybody, so much love, talk to you.
So how do you eat an elephant? One? By? It time?
(01:04:23):
All right, y'all know what time it is. I'm producer
Eves and I'm bringing you yet another resource. This time
I like to share one of Laya's recommendations, which is
the novel The Friends by Rosa Guy. The book is
the first part of a trilogy by the author who
wrote plenty of young adult fiction as well as novels
for adults. That's all for today, and as always I'll
(01:04:45):
drop a link to more info about the book and
the episode description. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott
Presents Jay dot Il the Podcast. This podcast is hosted
(01:05:15):
by Jill Scott, Layah st Clair, and agent Graden Danceler.
It's executive producers are Jill Scott, Shawn g and Brian Calhoun.
It's produced by La st Clair and Medeve Jeff Cote.
The editing and sound design for this episode we're done
by Christina Larenger. J dot Ill is a production of
(01:05:37):
I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
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