August 29, 2024 • 23 mins
Expert Matchmaker Barbie Adler is back with more dating advice! Plus, STOP with the "Textual" relationships - no pen pals!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hey, Hello, Hello, Hello. How's it going. We are winding
down summer.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
And you know, I see a lot on social media
Barbie about like summertime sadness, and I was going to
ask you how summertime affects dating Like I would think,
on one hand, it's very social and people are meeting people,
But on the other hand, people are away and it's
like finding a job. It's probably not the best time
to enter the dating market. What do you say about that.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
There's never a wrong season. I think there's always an
excuse to make it seem like something's not the right
time to enter, But I think for every season there's
actually like an upside. So the fact that everyone has
been traveling over the summer, I think it's great time
to meet people because usually people are a little bit
more wanting to find someone before things in some markets
where it's winter and it's like coffing season, so I
(01:00):
think it's a great time to prioritize your love life
and to embrace or it gets cold to meet someone.
You think about all the celebrations that happen in fourth
quarter where you start taking stock of, Okay, another year,
what do I have to show for in my personal life.
I think it's a great time to leverage fall.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Like holidays are coming up.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
And New Year's Yeah, and like sometimes it could be
a lot of pressure, but I also look at it
like take the pressure off yourself and just enjoy. But
like anything else that you have to prioritize, whether it's
a doctor's appointment and self care, you have to prioritize
your love life. So don't use excuses like, oh, everyone's traveling,
everybody's busy. Look at its like, no everyone you know
(01:41):
people that are ready for love. Doesn't matter what the
season is. Embrace that it's fall and it's still beautiful
and mean, I know where I live, like September if
the fall is like the most is a beautiful time
of year.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So don't make excuses saying you're not going to deal
with it until no. Okay, yeah, So how does someone
balance wanting to be proactive and being patient, trusting the process,
but also wanting to be in the process. How does
someone find that balance?
Speaker 3 (02:11):
I think once you've taken a temperature read and realize, Okay,
I want to be a wee, I want to find
my person. I have worked on myself. I'm in a
good place I'm in the best place I've been, and
you practice things that are going to help you, like
figuring out and taking an audit of what do I
need to do to find love? Is that I need
to carve out time? Do I need to heal my heart?
(02:34):
Is it just carving out like where I'm meeting this
person and changing like what my strategy is. But I
also think that patience is one of the most important
ingredients in finding love. I think like logically, we know
that take takes time to bake a custom dress, a
custom couch, you order a car you want, it takes
time for it to arrive. But when it comes to
(02:56):
your love life, you want it. And that's where people
make a big mistake that's super costly because it could
have lots of setbacks of them realizing that they're going
to settle. And I truly believe that settling is the
quickest way to have a disaster on your hands and
having divorce attorney in your phone. So the kindest thing
you could do yourself is during your dating era to
(03:18):
love every minute and give yourself the gift of inner peace.
So I like to use analogy in the financial market,
and it's called patient capital. So in order to have
long term gains in equity market, sometimes it requires being
patient because when there's a down market, you can't get
hysterical and pull your money and opt out of something.
(03:40):
You have to say, Okay, I've been here before, this
is not my first rodeo. I know that whether it's
a period of time, a couple months or a couple
of years, that it's going to correct itself. And then
the ones that have the patience and aren't hysterical are
the ones that gain same thing with your love life,
the ones that realize they're dating some equality, so they
(04:03):
know they're worth they know they're dating some equality. There's
no rush. You have to realize that good things will
come when you pack some patience, and you will win
with that attitude. Sometimes we are there's so much noise
in our lives that we are quick to boot someone
off our island. And so in some ways it's good
because the safeguards your time. If you just get the
(04:24):
ick and you realize this is it my person, but
if it's a good, high quality person, just enjoy your
life and have confidence in yourself and realize that patience
is going to be your The secret ingredients to help
you find the right person.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
It's funny that you bring that up, because I think
people have to learn the line between the dick and
something that may just turn you off. So there could
be an ick where you're just like actually, ugh, you know,
and it might happen a couple of times and you
gaslight yourself because you know that the person's good on paper,
(05:01):
and so then you try to like justify it. I've
done this so many times. Yeah, and then you really
finally get the final blow of the ick. And I
think at any point with the ick, you don't really
have to be that. I don't mean don't be compassion
if you think the person's nice, but I mean you
got to get yourself the hell out of there, because
that's how you get in the wrong car. But I
think to your point, there are people that maybe aren't
(05:23):
acting in the way you would like them to be acting,
and that's different. Like you said, there could be an
illness in the family you don't know about. They could
be going through a terrible time. It works, they could
be sick, and they're not going to tell you. Get
you too early. So I think that that's a good
delineation to make and how does someone deal with the
patience of Part B. Like, let's say someone's texting back
(05:46):
and forth, or the communication style is not great, or
someone's not calling the way they want, or whatever the
thing is, someone sends too many pictures of their kids
or gets too comfortable right away. How do you deal
with someone not having a communication style that you're comfortable with.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
You have to differentiate between a different communications style that
you're not comfortable with versus one that's healthy and unhealthy,
because you might have been exposed not you, but one
it might be exposed to an unhealthy way of communicating
that you feel safe with. But really it's not a
healthy communications style. I really wish I always joke, but
(06:24):
that No, we don't come with owners manuals, right, So
there is no roadmap and two people's connection until you
actually start communicating. It's there could be so many misfires
or miscommunications or connecting the dots and accurately about someone.
We're not mind readers. So part of it's going to
be at some point to invest in this person if
you think they're high quality, because they don't know your
(06:47):
style what you need and say, hey, just so you
know I need this from you.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay, Let's say you met someone and things were going well,
You went on three or four dates and you slept
with them. You thought it was great, you just really connected.
And then I don't want to say that. I don't
know what ghosting technically means. But let's say that they
disappear for two days. Like you thought you were on
a good clip. You're in your head, You're thinking you
said something, you did something, you wore something. What are
(07:26):
you are you supposed to because I've heard match their energy,
So are you supposed to, like now go dark also
for two days?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Take the hint? Are you supposed to lean in? Lean out?
What are people supposed to do?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Because I think girls get very reactionary and spiteful.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Well, I think that's where sometimes our beautiful brains take
over and we overthink and we ca tastrifized. So I
think one act right, love not fear, and so intuitive
thoughts are like calming and they're rooted in reality. Too
often we start believing the negation of chatter in our
own minds that we manufacture, or our friends are telling
(08:04):
us the cynics like forget him, You're better than that,
And it's like, no, what if he's just like in
the middle of closing a deal, or he has COVID
or something happened. It's like, just breathe and realize in
time you're going to get the answer. But silent the
cynic in yourself and others and realize that invasive thoughts,
you know, create the drama, but intuitive thoughts solve the problem.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
I think that's a great like name for a chapter.
Don't catastrophize, but I think I don't think that's the
time to lean in. I think the matching energy rule
is good there. I do think it really is situational.
But I do think not to catastrophize, not to blame
and put all of your thoughts and theories and I
pat this right on them, because then you're manufacturing drama
(08:50):
and it could be nothing there. Now, if through his actions,
his words and actions don't match, then you have someone
that probably isn't that's a bad and not good for you.
So you think someone could be a bad actor that
like they're with you and they're making you feel like
it's great because maybe they want to get late or
maybe that's just why not do that because they could
(09:12):
suck another girl in and then they just turn the
switch off because they were acting that happens you're saying
a lot.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Or they could have an unhealthy a coupling ability, Like
it's just it's this dysfunction on them where they love
it in the beginning, and then when things get serious
and meaningful, they don't have the coping skills or the
healthy relationship coupling abilities. So that's why as we blame ourselves,
that's something we must have done. We don't look pretty enough,
(09:42):
or something I said or and kind of have nothing
to do with us. And that's why I truly believe
whenever you can give someone the benefit of the doubt,
but pay attention to date through the seasons. This is
where I'm like, he's not a rush, it's not a panic.
And you always want to match our someone's words and
actions aligned and always ask yourself are my actions and
(10:03):
words aligned? Because it's so easy to always have these
expectations for somebody else, but you also have to take
ownership of are your actions in words aligning? Being a
matchmaker and focusing on love. I feel like it's so
great for my marriage because I check myself on what
I do confessionally and giving people advice of realizing you
(10:24):
want to be the best person to your partner as well,
and sometimes that's listening. It's like that skill that people
you know that is lost, right, It's like the little
things of just making sure that you're treating someone how
you want to be treated as well.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Okay, so where are you on this textual relationship these
pen pals, like how does a person stop it down?
Because you don't want to seem too ornery and being
like I'd rather not text, let's call, or like that's so,
where do you stand on when you're kind of in
a textual relationship with someone until you see them? What
about the text? What about the phone? What about the FaceTime?
(10:59):
What about the meeting?
Speaker 3 (11:00):
It's so confusing, right, Like there's so much much and
everyone's different. I also think a lot of men that
don't want to text throughout the day, and then someone
could be offended like, oh my gosh, he's such a
bad texture. But what if it's not his style and
like he's in his career and he's he's not on
the man own right, he's doing other things and it's
not his So you have to realize what matters most
(11:23):
is how he treats you in person and in the relationship.
But he might not be a text or he might
be a phone person. Get that fulfilled through your girlfriends
or someone that enjoys that type of style. But sometimes
people are like their rep peeve is like someone that's
texting throughout the day and they're each line is they're
hitting you know, send, and it's just it could be
(11:44):
a lot, So just be mindful.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
So here's the problem. Here's here's cause you're not dating anymore.
And I know you see it all the time, but
like it feels different when it's actually you. So here's
what happens. Someone text you I had a great time.
You text them back. Then you're thinking about, oh, they
only hearted my text. Then you think someone's like, well
you should respond with something, don't just smiley face their thing.
And then you give a response, and then if they
don't respond back to you, and I'm like, I don't
(12:06):
want to be in this at all. I don't want
to be in a pen pal relationship. But then you're
sort of being punitive because you're not responding, and you're
kind of like, I don't like I think it's a
toxic dynamic. I despise it, but it's a necessary evil. Yeah,
I do think it's a necessary evil. I think less
is more. I think don't write paragraphs at some point you.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
It's always that the dynamic of like who's going to
get the last word and how is it going to end?
So I do think a heart or ah or something
isn't nice. But if you want to say something and
say nothing, just be like cute, smiley face or something
playful but so short that it's just quick. It's not
a whole novel and it's not reopening the conversation with
questions and talking. I think real conversation should happen in person,
(12:49):
by phone, anything but a text or an email, okay,
but playful, cute, flirty, like I think technology could be
an asset if you use it not to replace real
conversations in person or on the phone. And I think
less is more, And I think it's okay to let
somebody have the last word and not have to feel
like it's novels and be a little bit of a
(13:09):
mystery and leave them wanting a little bit more. Not
game playing, but just no.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I think you're right, Okay, So don't catastrophize and do
not text in paragraphs. Text cute, sweet, hope you're having
a nice day. This is what text is for. Hope,
you're having a nice day, thinking of you. I'll see
you at the bar.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Six is good, like hey, hands like a little ego
stroke is good. Men like to feel like a hero,
not a zero. So they do need a little reinforcement
like okay, she's into me. As long as it's authentic
and from the heart, I'm all for it. But playful,
not sterile like business corporate, you know, boring. But also
don't be something you're not, like if you're not an
emoji person, then don't use it.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
No, but you're right about the share. People shouldn't be
having discussions over text. That's a great note that everybody
breaks that rule and everybody should stop that.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
But one thing that I think is cute, whether it's playful,
whether you're in a relationship and you leave a post
it for someone to see when they're the next day
at work or in a drawer, or you're on a
date you text in the bathroom like I'm on the
hot date with the hottest guy, like wow, like playful,
and then they get in the phone like waiting for
you're like, oh my gosh, she's into me. Just something cute.
(14:19):
If you feel like it's that's good. Do like use
technology as a way to flirt.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
That's a great note.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So you're not using it to share about your life,
but using it to flirt.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
It's a tool.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And the other thing is when you go on a
date with someone that just treated you to a wonderful experience, dinner,
whatever it might be. Sometimes women will stand on like
the principle I'm not reaching out to him, he needs
totally the next day, and then the man's thinking, I
just like wind and dined r. I put a lot
of effort into the night. It would be so nice
(14:49):
to get it and text that night being like home safe,
hit a really enjoyable night, thanks for everything. It doesn't
make you look desperate. It makes you look like you're
like class act and that you were your appreciative.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Yes, but let's make a rule for that. Not the
next day.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
That night, that night you're in the cab, thank you
so much, I had a great time.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
It still counts as that day on the diet like.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
To be it's better to be that night because, like
you said, then if you want to be more traditional
he reaches out next. But to thank someone I think
is totally such a breath of fresh air to men
that they'll be like, oh my gosh, she thanked me,
Like that's so thoughtful. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah, even if you did it so you don't feel insecure,
thank you for dinner. It was really nice. So it's
like you're be doing the right thing. Yeah, that's a
great note.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
And for men, for men listening, I think it's such
a class act to say I want to make sure
you get home safely. Please text me when you get home.
It's so nice. It shows that you're car Oh, totally
so nice. Whether they totally pay for your uber, wait
for your uber to come, or give you the car service,
whatever level it is, it's just a class act to
(15:54):
wait for someone to uber arrive and go, do me favor,
text me when you're home.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
So number one for the boys is say did you
get home? Say for texting when you get home. I
like that, it's just nice.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Also, don't leave, don't with your uber rives first, don't
take your uber. Either give someone your uber or wait
until their uber comes.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Somebody texted me like we were supposed to speak, but
then they they said something like, oh, they got caught up.
But then there was like a little button which was
like sleep. Well, something simple like a little button goes
such a long way. It's nothing, but it's everything. It's everything.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
It shows you're considerate, it shows you're a good communicator,
it shows you're plugged in and engaged and thoughtful. It's
it is everything.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
So the takeaway is that text is a tool to
be used for flirtation, for information, for cute checking in,
and just connectivity, but it's not it's the cock between
the tiles.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
It's not the tiles.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Yes, it could strengthen the relationship, but don't use it
to ask the questions and to be insecure and to
write novels. Say that for your girlfriends.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Okay, I love that. That's like a big one. Okay, great.
So we talked about sex, but sort of in a
black and white way. Now I want to talk about
I don't think that women's emotions not I don't think
I'm positive that women's emotions are not caught up with
their bodies, especially if they've been sex starved, or they
(17:32):
want to get some, or they're attracted, or they're drinking.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Alcohol can be the worst for the situation.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
So how do we we let women know and women
who are going to let their daughters know, like when
they're going off to college and you know in these
high school ages that they're not emotionally necessarily prepared to
where their body may want them to be. And I'm
not targeting this to college kids. I'm just saying it
made me think of something that's great to intellectually explain
(18:00):
to a young person, because I think that as adults
we even get in that point where like, you want it,
but are you going to be okay with the next day?
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Forgot it? But they didn't call.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
You before we get to sex. One thing that leads
up to that that plays in a role is knowing
your limit of alcohol and food. I feel like both
of those play a role in making decisions. I would
say when you're new to dating, sometimes you don't even
know that, Like you want to eat on a date
so you don't look like you're not interested or you're
(18:32):
that girl that doesn't eat, but you also want to
make sure that you have a little food and hydrate
before so that when at the restaurant they keep pouring
the wine.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
That's the problem, the topping off, and I always feel
like a bitch when I'm like, Hi, can you just
I'm like, can you not fill my glass up? Because
I'm on a date now and I don't know what
I'm saying and I'm literally like on reality TV where
I've just said something that's already out there and I
don't know what it was because you topped off my glass.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
No, I always just go like, thank you, I'm good,
and then wait till you know your limit.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Wait to read the same thing, wait till we I
want to do a whole podcast on topic of wait
till the till the glass is empty. I don't want
the glass to be half full. I want the glass
to be fully empty.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
No, because what happens is you're if you're excited and
you're drinking and you don't even know, then it can
lead to poor decisions. Whatever that might be. It could
be what comes out of your mouth verbally, non totally everything.
But when it comes to sex, so one I would say,
I always say.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
But the or even intimacy other than sex, something that's personal,
your body's touching or whatever, oral sex.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
By the time you get to be like, you know,
early twenties, you should know your limited on alcohol, what
you need in your body, all of those things. But
it happens when people go through divorces and start dating again,
no matter what era it is, and realize that they
just have to re understand what their limit is before
they don't feel like they're making.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Oh women mind, just don't know their limits.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Well, that's you're excited. They get excited, and so you
have to relearn it. You have to relearn it in
you know, high school, college, post college, and then again
in our forties fifties, we just you need to reassess
what that means.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
So that's a great point because in your twenties you
do know your tolerance. Sometimes you do get sick and
you go too far, but you kind of know your
tolerance as you're older. Even alcohol, as it pertains to
health issues, your body doesn't metabolize it.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
You have a different tolerance in metabolism.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Differently. You also in college you're drinking more, so you
have a higher level. You're also drinking different kinds of drinks,
and it's just different. And it could be part of
a recipe for disaster of someone not wanting to see
you again because the decisions that were, the actions that
you display that night. But now, in terms of sex,
I would say teaching women's lesson that you are the
(20:42):
main character in your life. It's not you're waiting to
be chosen. You're doing the choosing and you're part of
the selection process. The same thing with the decisions you
make about your body. No one could judge whether it's
too soon or not soon enough. Don't play that game
with yourself. It's like a lose lose scenario. If you're
into this person and you want to go for it,
he's not gonna not want to be with you because
(21:04):
of that scenario. But trust yourself, realizing what are the
boundaries that if the next day you're gonna have major
regrets and it's gonna set you so back emotionally and
then it's not worth it.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
I think you move to that too quickly because I
think that that's what does happen. I think that it
does feel good and you want to do it, and
you think it's great, and the next day you don't
know why the person didn't call. It could have been
you could have been the best sex they ever had
in their life. But they are getting back together with
their ex gral Funk cause they called in the middle
of the night, like there could be a thousand things
that happened.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
That's what I'm saying. You don't know what it is,
and it doesn't mean it's because you were intimate with
that person.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Right.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
The question is if you could handle the heat, go
for it. If you can't, don't do it, because it's
gonna set yourself up emotionally too much for setback, and
that's not fair to do yourself or to the next
person that you're with, because then you're gonna say you're
gonna react to the last person that didn't call you
because of that action. It might have no nothing to
do with you.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Well, I think that women want an unwritten contract from
a guy that if they sleep with them, that guy's
gonna call them and like be very interested in their dating.
And that's the thing I think people have to first
break it down even further and say, like, there are
no guarantees I'm sleeping with this man because I want
to sleep with this man.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
There's no guarantees in life about anything.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Right, So he's not gonna be my boyfriend, he's not
dating me, he doesn't have to call me nowhere, he
owes me nothing.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
But what we're doing right now.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Contract is with yourself, because there's no way that you
have control over anyone's actions, what they do tomorrow. So
you have to realize, Okay, how do I feel the
next day? Even if he calls you, You're still gonna
be insecure to say, is it's gonna matter now? Is
it expected? Each time? I mean, there's always, That's what
I'm saying. Sometimes the beautiful brains we overthink. The biggest
the most important advice I would say is just enjoy
(22:50):
every day. Don't get so ahead where you're playing games
in your mind, where you're creating, manufacturing issues that don't exist.
The way to cast a spell on someone is just
to be your happy, authentic self. Guys, love people that
are interesting, interested, living wonderful lives and a healthy self esteem,
and just lead with that and everything will the right
(23:13):
person will present themselves
Hey, Hello, Hello, Hello. How's it going. We are winding
down summer.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
And you know, I see a lot on social media
Barbie about like summertime sadness, and I was going to
ask you how summertime affects dating Like I would think,
on one hand, it's very social and people are meeting people,
But on the other hand, people are away and it's
like finding a job. It's probably not the best time
to enter the dating market. What do you say about that.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
There's never a wrong season. I think there's always an
excuse to make it seem like something's not the right
time to enter, But I think for every season there's
actually like an upside. So the fact that everyone has
been traveling over the summer, I think it's great time
to meet people because usually people are a little bit
more wanting to find someone before things in some markets
where it's winter and it's like coffing season, so I
(01:00):
think it's a great time to prioritize your love life
and to embrace or it gets cold to meet someone.
You think about all the celebrations that happen in fourth
quarter where you start taking stock of, Okay, another year,
what do I have to show for in my personal life.
I think it's a great time to leverage fall.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Like holidays are coming up.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
And New Year's Yeah, and like sometimes it could be
a lot of pressure, but I also look at it
like take the pressure off yourself and just enjoy. But
like anything else that you have to prioritize, whether it's
a doctor's appointment and self care, you have to prioritize
your love life. So don't use excuses like, oh, everyone's traveling,
everybody's busy. Look at its like, no everyone you know
(01:41):
people that are ready for love. Doesn't matter what the
season is. Embrace that it's fall and it's still beautiful
and mean, I know where I live, like September if
the fall is like the most is a beautiful time
of year.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
So don't make excuses saying you're not going to deal
with it until no. Okay, yeah, So how does someone
balance wanting to be proactive and being patient, trusting the process,
but also wanting to be in the process. How does
someone find that balance?
Speaker 3 (02:11):
I think once you've taken a temperature read and realize, Okay,
I want to be a wee, I want to find
my person. I have worked on myself. I'm in a
good place I'm in the best place I've been, and
you practice things that are going to help you, like
figuring out and taking an audit of what do I
need to do to find love? Is that I need
to carve out time? Do I need to heal my heart?
(02:34):
Is it just carving out like where I'm meeting this
person and changing like what my strategy is. But I
also think that patience is one of the most important
ingredients in finding love. I think like logically, we know
that take takes time to bake a custom dress, a
custom couch, you order a car you want, it takes
time for it to arrive. But when it comes to
(02:56):
your love life, you want it. And that's where people
make a big mistake that's super costly because it could
have lots of setbacks of them realizing that they're going
to settle. And I truly believe that settling is the
quickest way to have a disaster on your hands and
having divorce attorney in your phone. So the kindest thing
you could do yourself is during your dating era to
(03:18):
love every minute and give yourself the gift of inner peace.
So I like to use analogy in the financial market,
and it's called patient capital. So in order to have
long term gains in equity market, sometimes it requires being
patient because when there's a down market, you can't get
hysterical and pull your money and opt out of something.
(03:40):
You have to say, Okay, I've been here before, this
is not my first rodeo. I know that whether it's
a period of time, a couple months or a couple
of years, that it's going to correct itself. And then
the ones that have the patience and aren't hysterical are
the ones that gain same thing with your love life,
the ones that realize they're dating some equality, so they
(04:03):
know they're worth they know they're dating some equality. There's
no rush. You have to realize that good things will
come when you pack some patience, and you will win
with that attitude. Sometimes we are there's so much noise
in our lives that we are quick to boot someone
off our island. And so in some ways it's good
because the safeguards your time. If you just get the
(04:24):
ick and you realize this is it my person, but
if it's a good, high quality person, just enjoy your
life and have confidence in yourself and realize that patience
is going to be your The secret ingredients to help
you find the right person.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
It's funny that you bring that up, because I think
people have to learn the line between the dick and
something that may just turn you off. So there could
be an ick where you're just like actually, ugh, you know,
and it might happen a couple of times and you
gaslight yourself because you know that the person's good on paper,
(05:01):
and so then you try to like justify it. I've
done this so many times. Yeah, and then you really
finally get the final blow of the ick. And I
think at any point with the ick, you don't really
have to be that. I don't mean don't be compassion
if you think the person's nice, but I mean you
got to get yourself the hell out of there, because
that's how you get in the wrong car. But I
think to your point, there are people that maybe aren't
(05:23):
acting in the way you would like them to be acting,
and that's different. Like you said, there could be an
illness in the family you don't know about. They could
be going through a terrible time. It works, they could
be sick, and they're not going to tell you. Get
you too early. So I think that that's a good
delineation to make and how does someone deal with the
patience of Part B. Like, let's say someone's texting back
(05:46):
and forth, or the communication style is not great, or
someone's not calling the way they want, or whatever the
thing is, someone sends too many pictures of their kids
or gets too comfortable right away. How do you deal
with someone not having a communication style that you're comfortable with.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
You have to differentiate between a different communications style that
you're not comfortable with versus one that's healthy and unhealthy,
because you might have been exposed not you, but one
it might be exposed to an unhealthy way of communicating
that you feel safe with. But really it's not a
healthy communications style. I really wish I always joke, but
(06:24):
that No, we don't come with owners manuals, right, So
there is no roadmap and two people's connection until you
actually start communicating. It's there could be so many misfires
or miscommunications or connecting the dots and accurately about someone.
We're not mind readers. So part of it's going to
be at some point to invest in this person if
you think they're high quality, because they don't know your
(06:47):
style what you need and say, hey, just so you
know I need this from you.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay, Let's say you met someone and things were going well,
You went on three or four dates and you slept
with them. You thought it was great, you just really connected.
And then I don't want to say that. I don't
know what ghosting technically means. But let's say that they
disappear for two days. Like you thought you were on
a good clip. You're in your head, You're thinking you
said something, you did something, you wore something. What are
(07:26):
you are you supposed to because I've heard match their energy,
So are you supposed to, like now go dark also
for two days?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Take the hint? Are you supposed to lean in? Lean out?
What are people supposed to do?
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Because I think girls get very reactionary and spiteful.
Speaker 3 (07:41):
Well, I think that's where sometimes our beautiful brains take
over and we overthink and we ca tastrifized. So I
think one act right, love not fear, and so intuitive
thoughts are like calming and they're rooted in reality. Too
often we start believing the negation of chatter in our
own minds that we manufacture, or our friends are telling
(08:04):
us the cynics like forget him, You're better than that,
And it's like, no, what if he's just like in
the middle of closing a deal, or he has COVID
or something happened. It's like, just breathe and realize in
time you're going to get the answer. But silent the
cynic in yourself and others and realize that invasive thoughts,
you know, create the drama, but intuitive thoughts solve the problem.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
I think that's a great like name for a chapter.
Don't catastrophize, but I think I don't think that's the
time to lean in. I think the matching energy rule
is good there. I do think it really is situational.
But I do think not to catastrophize, not to blame
and put all of your thoughts and theories and I
pat this right on them, because then you're manufacturing drama
(08:50):
and it could be nothing there. Now, if through his actions,
his words and actions don't match, then you have someone
that probably isn't that's a bad and not good for you.
So you think someone could be a bad actor that
like they're with you and they're making you feel like
it's great because maybe they want to get late or
maybe that's just why not do that because they could
(09:12):
suck another girl in and then they just turn the
switch off because they were acting that happens you're saying
a lot.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Or they could have an unhealthy a coupling ability, Like
it's just it's this dysfunction on them where they love
it in the beginning, and then when things get serious
and meaningful, they don't have the coping skills or the
healthy relationship coupling abilities. So that's why as we blame ourselves,
that's something we must have done. We don't look pretty enough,
(09:42):
or something I said or and kind of have nothing
to do with us. And that's why I truly believe
whenever you can give someone the benefit of the doubt,
but pay attention to date through the seasons. This is
where I'm like, he's not a rush, it's not a panic.
And you always want to match our someone's words and
actions aligned and always ask yourself are my actions and
(10:03):
words aligned? Because it's so easy to always have these
expectations for somebody else, but you also have to take
ownership of are your actions in words aligning? Being a
matchmaker and focusing on love. I feel like it's so
great for my marriage because I check myself on what
I do confessionally and giving people advice of realizing you
(10:24):
want to be the best person to your partner as well,
and sometimes that's listening. It's like that skill that people
you know that is lost, right, It's like the little
things of just making sure that you're treating someone how
you want to be treated as well.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
Okay, so where are you on this textual relationship these
pen pals, like how does a person stop it down?
Because you don't want to seem too ornery and being
like I'd rather not text, let's call, or like that's so,
where do you stand on when you're kind of in
a textual relationship with someone until you see them? What
about the text? What about the phone? What about the FaceTime?
(10:59):
What about the meeting?
Speaker 3 (11:00):
It's so confusing, right, Like there's so much much and
everyone's different. I also think a lot of men that
don't want to text throughout the day, and then someone
could be offended like, oh my gosh, he's such a
bad texture. But what if it's not his style and
like he's in his career and he's he's not on
the man own right, he's doing other things and it's
not his So you have to realize what matters most
(11:23):
is how he treats you in person and in the relationship.
But he might not be a text or he might
be a phone person. Get that fulfilled through your girlfriends
or someone that enjoys that type of style. But sometimes
people are like their rep peeve is like someone that's
texting throughout the day and they're each line is they're
hitting you know, send, and it's just it could be
(11:44):
a lot, So just be mindful.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
So here's the problem. Here's here's cause you're not dating anymore.
And I know you see it all the time, but
like it feels different when it's actually you. So here's
what happens. Someone text you I had a great time.
You text them back. Then you're thinking about, oh, they
only hearted my text. Then you think someone's like, well
you should respond with something, don't just smiley face their thing.
And then you give a response, and then if they
don't respond back to you, and I'm like, I don't
(12:06):
want to be in this at all. I don't want
to be in a pen pal relationship. But then you're
sort of being punitive because you're not responding, and you're
kind of like, I don't like I think it's a
toxic dynamic. I despise it, but it's a necessary evil. Yeah,
I do think it's a necessary evil. I think less
is more. I think don't write paragraphs at some point you.
Speaker 3 (12:25):
It's always that the dynamic of like who's going to
get the last word and how is it going to end?
So I do think a heart or ah or something
isn't nice. But if you want to say something and
say nothing, just be like cute, smiley face or something
playful but so short that it's just quick. It's not
a whole novel and it's not reopening the conversation with
questions and talking. I think real conversation should happen in person,
(12:49):
by phone, anything but a text or an email, okay,
but playful, cute, flirty, like I think technology could be
an asset if you use it not to replace real
conversations in person or on the phone. And I think
less is more, And I think it's okay to let
somebody have the last word and not have to feel
like it's novels and be a little bit of a
(13:09):
mystery and leave them wanting a little bit more. Not
game playing, but just no.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
I think you're right, Okay, So don't catastrophize and do
not text in paragraphs. Text cute, sweet, hope you're having
a nice day. This is what text is for. Hope,
you're having a nice day, thinking of you. I'll see
you at the bar.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Six is good, like hey, hands like a little ego
stroke is good. Men like to feel like a hero,
not a zero. So they do need a little reinforcement
like okay, she's into me. As long as it's authentic
and from the heart, I'm all for it. But playful,
not sterile like business corporate, you know, boring. But also
don't be something you're not, like if you're not an
emoji person, then don't use it.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
No, but you're right about the share. People shouldn't be
having discussions over text. That's a great note that everybody
breaks that rule and everybody should stop that.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
But one thing that I think is cute, whether it's playful,
whether you're in a relationship and you leave a post
it for someone to see when they're the next day
at work or in a drawer, or you're on a
date you text in the bathroom like I'm on the
hot date with the hottest guy, like wow, like playful,
and then they get in the phone like waiting for
you're like, oh my gosh, she's into me. Just something cute.
(14:19):
If you feel like it's that's good. Do like use
technology as a way to flirt.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
That's a great note.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So you're not using it to share about your life,
but using it to flirt.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
It's a tool.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And the other thing is when you go on a
date with someone that just treated you to a wonderful experience, dinner,
whatever it might be. Sometimes women will stand on like
the principle I'm not reaching out to him, he needs
totally the next day, and then the man's thinking, I
just like wind and dined r. I put a lot
of effort into the night. It would be so nice
(14:49):
to get it and text that night being like home safe,
hit a really enjoyable night, thanks for everything. It doesn't
make you look desperate. It makes you look like you're
like class act and that you were your appreciative.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Yes, but let's make a rule for that. Not the
next day.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
That night, that night you're in the cab, thank you
so much, I had a great time.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
It still counts as that day on the diet like.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
To be it's better to be that night because, like
you said, then if you want to be more traditional
he reaches out next. But to thank someone I think
is totally such a breath of fresh air to men
that they'll be like, oh my gosh, she thanked me,
Like that's so thoughtful. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Yeah, even if you did it so you don't feel insecure,
thank you for dinner. It was really nice. So it's
like you're be doing the right thing. Yeah, that's a
great note.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
And for men, for men listening, I think it's such
a class act to say I want to make sure
you get home safely. Please text me when you get home.
It's so nice. It shows that you're car Oh, totally
so nice. Whether they totally pay for your uber, wait
for your uber to come, or give you the car service,
whatever level it is, it's just a class act to
(15:54):
wait for someone to uber arrive and go, do me favor,
text me when you're home.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
So number one for the boys is say did you
get home? Say for texting when you get home. I
like that, it's just nice.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Also, don't leave, don't with your uber rives first, don't
take your uber. Either give someone your uber or wait
until their uber comes.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Somebody texted me like we were supposed to speak, but
then they they said something like, oh, they got caught up.
But then there was like a little button which was
like sleep. Well, something simple like a little button goes
such a long way. It's nothing, but it's everything. It's everything.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
It shows you're considerate, it shows you're a good communicator,
it shows you're plugged in and engaged and thoughtful. It's
it is everything.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
So the takeaway is that text is a tool to
be used for flirtation, for information, for cute checking in,
and just connectivity, but it's not it's the cock between
the tiles.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
It's not the tiles.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Yes, it could strengthen the relationship, but don't use it
to ask the questions and to be insecure and to
write novels. Say that for your girlfriends.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
Okay, I love that. That's like a big one. Okay, great.
So we talked about sex, but sort of in a
black and white way. Now I want to talk about
I don't think that women's emotions not I don't think
I'm positive that women's emotions are not caught up with
their bodies, especially if they've been sex starved, or they
(17:32):
want to get some, or they're attracted, or they're drinking.
Speaker 1 (17:36):
Alcohol can be the worst for the situation.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
So how do we we let women know and women
who are going to let their daughters know, like when
they're going off to college and you know in these
high school ages that they're not emotionally necessarily prepared to
where their body may want them to be. And I'm
not targeting this to college kids. I'm just saying it
made me think of something that's great to intellectually explain
(18:00):
to a young person, because I think that as adults
we even get in that point where like, you want it,
but are you going to be okay with the next day?
Speaker 1 (18:08):
Forgot it? But they didn't call.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
You before we get to sex. One thing that leads
up to that that plays in a role is knowing
your limit of alcohol and food. I feel like both
of those play a role in making decisions. I would
say when you're new to dating, sometimes you don't even
know that, Like you want to eat on a date
so you don't look like you're not interested or you're
(18:32):
that girl that doesn't eat, but you also want to
make sure that you have a little food and hydrate
before so that when at the restaurant they keep pouring
the wine.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
That's the problem, the topping off, and I always feel
like a bitch when I'm like, Hi, can you just
I'm like, can you not fill my glass up? Because
I'm on a date now and I don't know what
I'm saying and I'm literally like on reality TV where
I've just said something that's already out there and I
don't know what it was because you topped off my glass.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
No, I always just go like, thank you, I'm good,
and then wait till you know your limit.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Wait to read the same thing, wait till we I
want to do a whole podcast on topic of wait
till the till the glass is empty. I don't want
the glass to be half full. I want the glass
to be fully empty.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
No, because what happens is you're if you're excited and
you're drinking and you don't even know, then it can
lead to poor decisions. Whatever that might be. It could
be what comes out of your mouth verbally, non totally everything.
But when it comes to sex, so one I would say,
I always say.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
But the or even intimacy other than sex, something that's personal,
your body's touching or whatever, oral sex.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
By the time you get to be like, you know,
early twenties, you should know your limited on alcohol, what
you need in your body, all of those things. But
it happens when people go through divorces and start dating again,
no matter what era it is, and realize that they
just have to re understand what their limit is before
they don't feel like they're making.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Oh women mind, just don't know their limits.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Well, that's you're excited. They get excited, and so you
have to relearn it. You have to relearn it in
you know, high school, college, post college, and then again
in our forties fifties, we just you need to reassess
what that means.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
So that's a great point because in your twenties you
do know your tolerance. Sometimes you do get sick and
you go too far, but you kind of know your
tolerance as you're older. Even alcohol, as it pertains to
health issues, your body doesn't metabolize it.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
You have a different tolerance in metabolism.
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Differently. You also in college you're drinking more, so you
have a higher level. You're also drinking different kinds of drinks,
and it's just different. And it could be part of
a recipe for disaster of someone not wanting to see
you again because the decisions that were, the actions that
you display that night. But now, in terms of sex,
I would say teaching women's lesson that you are the
(20:42):
main character in your life. It's not you're waiting to
be chosen. You're doing the choosing and you're part of
the selection process. The same thing with the decisions you
make about your body. No one could judge whether it's
too soon or not soon enough. Don't play that game
with yourself. It's like a lose lose scenario. If you're
into this person and you want to go for it,
he's not gonna not want to be with you because
(21:04):
of that scenario. But trust yourself, realizing what are the
boundaries that if the next day you're gonna have major
regrets and it's gonna set you so back emotionally and
then it's not worth it.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
I think you move to that too quickly because I
think that that's what does happen. I think that it
does feel good and you want to do it, and
you think it's great, and the next day you don't
know why the person didn't call. It could have been
you could have been the best sex they ever had
in their life. But they are getting back together with
their ex gral Funk cause they called in the middle
of the night, like there could be a thousand things
that happened.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
That's what I'm saying. You don't know what it is,
and it doesn't mean it's because you were intimate with
that person.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Right.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
The question is if you could handle the heat, go
for it. If you can't, don't do it, because it's
gonna set yourself up emotionally too much for setback, and
that's not fair to do yourself or to the next
person that you're with, because then you're gonna say you're
gonna react to the last person that didn't call you
because of that action. It might have no nothing to
do with you.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Well, I think that women want an unwritten contract from
a guy that if they sleep with them, that guy's
gonna call them and like be very interested in their dating.
And that's the thing I think people have to first
break it down even further and say, like, there are
no guarantees I'm sleeping with this man because I want
to sleep with this man.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
There's no guarantees in life about anything.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Right, So he's not gonna be my boyfriend, he's not
dating me, he doesn't have to call me nowhere, he
owes me nothing.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
But what we're doing right now.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
Contract is with yourself, because there's no way that you
have control over anyone's actions, what they do tomorrow. So
you have to realize, Okay, how do I feel the
next day? Even if he calls you, You're still gonna
be insecure to say, is it's gonna matter now? Is
it expected? Each time? I mean, there's always, That's what
I'm saying. Sometimes the beautiful brains we overthink. The biggest
the most important advice I would say is just enjoy
(22:50):
every day. Don't get so ahead where you're playing games
in your mind, where you're creating, manufacturing issues that don't exist.
The way to cast a spell on someone is just
to be your happy, authentic self. Guys, love people that
are interesting, interested, living wonderful lives and a healthy self esteem,
and just lead with that and everything will the right
(23:13):
person will present themselves
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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