February 14, 2025 • 24 mins
Anxious? Avoidant? How about transcending ALL of it? PLUS: A quick antidote to Mom Shame
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hello, I'm good. How are you? Nice to meet you?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Nice to meet you. I love the woolpaper.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
It's brand new. I'm so happy you said it. The
reason I was a few minutes late. This is the
first time I've ever recorded in this new space, and
I'm feeling myself and so this is Valentine's Day, but
this is my new wallpaper. Yay.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
I'm so happy you complimented me.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Well, I'm glad that I noticed that. And I love love,
so of course i'd see that.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Well, that's a great way to start.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
So I saw something of yours and I forwarded it
to my team and said, can you book this guy?
I don't even remember what I saw, so we'll get
there eventually. But what would you say you specialize in?
Would you your your your life coach? You are a therapist? Like,
what is your background? What do you call yourself? If
(00:58):
you're on a plane with someone?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Well, out there in the world, I'm known more as
the mind architect. I don't particularly like the Monica life coach.
I think it's sort of somewhat diluted, but agreed, the
mind architect is something that I generated necessity being the
mother of invention. I felt there was a void, and
it felt appropriate that I'm re architecting people's in a
(01:22):
thinking space. So my product is freedom. I'm bringing people
freedom from all of their limitations, fears, and constraints.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
I've been hearing a lot somehow I've met. I've ended
up on the attachment style side of TikTok, and I
find it fascinating and I never even knew about it,
Like I'm loving this. What I am loving about social
media is the access to different people's opinions about self help, like,
(01:52):
for example, Mel Robbins right now, my friend Mark basically,
Cauldrey said, she's like the Rachel Ray of like wellness
right now in the sense that she's sort of dumbing
it down, chewing it up and digesting it. So people,
So the average person who's not even interested in this
type of stuff normally can talk about it, which I
think is great. You know, it's like sort of like
fortune cookie self help. I mean, it's like the comap
(02:16):
for meditation. We don't all have to go to India
and know, you know, be silent for three months. And
I think that's a positive move in the right direction,
I think, and I would say it's probably tricky for
people to be listening to everything everyone's saying. But like
anything else, it's like listening to cooking recipes. You can
get a bunch of different advice. You're gonna end up
doing what you think is right, or if something speaks
to you and you could throw the rest away. But
(02:38):
there are these new things that aren't new, but that
are new in the vernacular. And I heard it first
from because I have a dating podcast, and I heard
it first from a dating a matchmaker, and was like,
tell them that you your attachments. I think it was
like to tell my therapist or to ask my therapist
(02:59):
about this, that your dating style is anxious attachment. I
had never heard about it, but the minute I heard
what the words, I was like, that tracks like you
want to feel safe at all times. You want to
know where you are, where you stand. You're not good
with like sporadic communication. And so because of talking about this,
I started, you know, people think about someone else's sign,
their color, personality, whatever, And I started thinking about how
(03:22):
people are compatible with attachment styles, and I think it's
fascinating and I wanted to ask you does everybody have
one or some people only have like the dismissive, avoidant,
or the anxious, like the ends of the spectrum and
the person in the middle is fine.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
It doesn't need to be a signed one.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
I mean, I'm not a traditionally trained therapist, so I
don't really use those terminologies. I look at it more energetically.
But I think that runs the gamut. Right. You've got
the people who are incredibly attached and dependent, the codependency
that we see in relationships, and then you have people
who are more aloof and that's their way of surviving.
I'm much more interested in overcoming all of it. Right,
(04:00):
So rather than classifying yourself like, oh, your pisces or
your virgo, which I understand. I enjoy astrology and all
of those things. I think these more subtle emotional and
behavioral tendencies they can all be transcended if you're committed
to being a potent, powerful human being. That's what I'm
interested in, right.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Otherwise it's a crutch.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
You're hanging on to that thing and saying you get
an excreuse, that's my thing, and now I get to
be that and I am that. It's like saying I'm
a commitment phobic, or these labels that people. So you
don't like any of these labels because they box you in.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Yeah. So that's what I do, is I help transcend
all of the constraints, because that's still a constraint. It's
an enabling behavior where you're basically not wanting to be
accountable for something, which is where you're dismissing your own
power as a human being. So I'm in the camp
of full responsibility for your existence, which not everybody wants.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
Well, no, it's very alive, and it's very present and
it's very honest.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
Okay, interesting And how what about the reason I asked this?
Six My mother passed away in April was very very
complicated relationship. But I feel that once your parents pass away,
it's a very profound experience in a positive way. And
(05:18):
it's hard for people to say and admit that, but
you become a different person. You become because you talk
about freedom. I think in ways, even if you had
a great relationship with your parents, I think in ways,
it is freeing. I want to know what you think about,
like what you talk about and think about death.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
I love death, as I was saying around suicide, you know,
like I don't want people to take their lives. I've
helped many people not do it. In fact, one of
my most popular posts on my Instagram is where I
speak about this distinction about like suicide isn't the death
of you, but rather than the death of the part
of you that no longer serves you. Right. So I
love death because again I say that in order to
(05:57):
be fully alive, you have to constantly die to the
olbitteration of yourself. So I love the topic. Again, it
tends to be taboo, and that's why people don't look
at it because there's so much fear. Your comment about
your mom and the death of parents. My mom died
of cancer when I was seven and then dad and
my dad went to work when I was seventeen. I
was an only child, so it was just me and
(06:17):
my dad at that point, and he worked on the ferries.
I grew up in England, and he worked on the
boats that went between Dover in England and Calais in
France and then Zayberger in Belgium. And they carry cargo
and they carry people going on vacations with caravans or whatever.
And he was on a boat the capsides with about
fifteen hundred people on it, like you know, it's like
(06:38):
a cruise liner and he was sadly one of close
to two hundred people that died.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
So you were an orphan. It's seventeen correct.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Yeah, yeah, Wow, that's wild. That's really wild that I
would instinctively want to have you on and not even
knowing really anything about you, but just hearing you speak
for two seconds, and that I've pretty much been an
orphan my whole entire life. I'm also an only child.
But that I would just say that to you and
ask you about that when I never really ask anybody.
I've never asked anyone about that. I've talked about it,
(07:09):
but I think it's weird that I've never asked anybody
about it and now you like walk into it and
it's like that.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
So that's energetic to me? Do you believe in all
of that?
Speaker 3 (07:18):
The energy and like being connected and you being hearing
me saying that for that reason, Like, that's weird to
me one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I mean that's the realm of trafficking, right with vibrational beings.
I mean everything, ultimately, as Tesla said, comes down to energy,
frequency and vibration. So so yeah, so I cite those
in terms of my own experience, so that I could
address your question, which is, yes, I know, especially after
the death of my mom. I was such a good
little boy, you know, I was such a well behaved,
(07:46):
quintessential perfect child that if my dad was still alive,
I wouldn't And again it's all hypothetical because it's not
what happened. But I wouldn't have become the man I
am today because I would have still been caught under
the auspices of my own It's my own, not his
interpretation of who he thought or I thought he wanted
me to be right. So that's where most children get stuck,
(08:07):
even though they're adults, which is why, as you said,
people do experience some liberation. Yeah, there's grief, but they
ultimately feel free, often when their parents die, because what
happens is that narrative that was within them associated with
their parents now can be let go of. There is
a form of liberation and freedom that occurs, so in
ways that I didn't fully comprehend. Obviously when all of
(08:29):
this happened, I didn't want my dad to die. Now,
of course, I nonetheless recognized from a soul contract that
in order for me to do what I do and
help find freedom for millions of people around the world.
I had to go through that myself. That was my
rite of passage so that I could step into what
it meant. You know, at the beginning, it was pure survival,
but then ultimately I found my own rais on detra
(08:49):
and I found my own purpose. And as I said,
it's about being completely free, and now I can help
people find that even though their parents are still.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
Alive, whether positive or negative, you relateationship was with the parents, Like,
it doesn't have to be that it was bad or good.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
It is.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
I mean, I only know the bad, but it is
and was freeing, and like you, I talked about it,
and I had had a very emotional podcast that was
like a real like gut wrenching, But I did think
it helped a lot of people because I just don't
think it's something that people talk about enough, and I
was going through the experience, so I made sure to
(09:24):
talk about it as I was going through it completely
freed and probably not what most people would think is
at a time when you'd be speaking about it, But
that was why I thought it was important because we
can package it later, but it's different when you're going
through and it's happening.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
You know, well that's the original, you know. To go
back to adult relationships, romantic relationships, our relationship with our
parents is the initial codependency relationship that we learn, right
because as kids, we are dependent, we are powerless, we
are helpless, we are weak, we don't have resources, and
so that energetic dynamic, that attachment tends to propagate into
(09:58):
adult relationships. It is their initial wound. And what people
don't realize is as one of the first traumas that
we all experience without it being a trauma, is we
abandon ourselves because as an agreement, albeit unspoken, that as
a child, we decide that we will be who we
think the parent wants us to be in order to
stay safe, because they're the ones that provide.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
The thing is I there are so many people in
parental and familial relationships that have a nice package. To
your point about the thirty five or fifty years of
marriage has a nice package they get to have. They
have the resume. My parents are together for fifty years,
it was me and my brother whatever, and a lot
of these people because of the things going on inside
the house, a lot of it's like the parents fought
(10:54):
but like with in the other rooms. So they thought
the kids didn't realize they stayed together quote unquote for
the kids, but they were miserable, like the kids do.
Feel like there's a lot of I've noticed a lot
of people that are really really fucked up that came
from a really good environment, and when you unpack it
and go deeper, it wasn't that great. They just don't
(11:15):
get to say that they had issues because it looked perfect.
You know, like maybe you have parents that never really
emoted at all. They just didn't. They're not people that
emote whatsoever. But everything looked good and everybody was dressed
perfectly and everybody did what they we supposed to. That
seems like a prison to me for the way that
I live. At least all the craziness was right out
(11:35):
in the open. I could see it, and so it's
a little more freeing.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, one hundred percent self express right, you know. The
it doesn't matter who I've worked with, they could have
had the most idea copy aesthetic childhood that looks on paper,
like you said, like it's perfect. And then I've got
people who were sadly molested by their own father, and
you know, really heinous and abhorrent things that have happened
to children. It doesn't really matter as far as I'm concerned.
As long as you're here as a human in this
(12:02):
dimension of planet Earth, you've got shit to deal with.
It doesn't matter what happened. That's the actual dimension of
what it is to be human. We arrive with these constraints,
these fears and limitations, and the game of being human
is to break free. That's it. And you are going
to be given the list of characters and these NPCs
and whatever you need to be able to get triggered
(12:22):
to basically evolve and recognize, without sounding too poetic, your
own divine nature. That's the game. Whereas most people play
the human game right, which is, oh, well, I want
to find a partner, I want to go from a
studio apartment to a house and then a place in
the suburbs. I want to make more money, I want
to get more followers. And there's this exognous game that
people are playing where they're trying to control circumstances. That
(12:43):
to me, that's where people are misguided. It's got nothing
to do with that. It's all about the internal revelation
of yourself. That's it.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah, I think you know, my daughter has an incredible
life and I'm very emotionally available and I'm emotionally intelligent
and the advice and nurtured and we have a great
but by the way, I'm a famous person and it's
a lot going on and it's a different life, and
who knows how if she'll be fucked up because of
that or not, Like we can't just everyone's got Yeah.
I just think that people that grew up in normal
(13:14):
quote unquote normal household don't get their flowers enough for
being able to have plight and issues because you don't
know what's going on beneath the surface is what you know,
you don't.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Know what I mean. It doesn't matter who it is, how
ideal like it looks like on the surface. All the
form the manifest world is irrelevant. All of it is
a catalyst to reveal where are you internally as a
human being living from what I consider the current way
that we function as humans is from limitation, fear, suffering, disease,
and dysfunction. That's the current operating system that we have.
(13:49):
And I'm introducing people to the operating system on the
other side of that. So regardless of how available you
are or how beautiful kind you are, emotionally intelligent you are,
for your daughter, no, no slight to you, She's still
going to have to go through whatever she has decided
to go through as a soul in this paradigm.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
That's it, exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Yeah, So that's the good news, right because on both sides.
You know, one of the things that I deal with
with a lot with parents is that guilt, the shame, right,
the mum guilt, and it's like, Okay, you can only
do the best you can within the realm of awareness
that you have. So that's the thing that I want,
you know, parents to understand, is you're going to be
limited by your own awareness, by your own sense of conditioning,
(14:27):
by your own patterns, and so to take the load
off and the pressure that you could fuck up your children,
like a lot of parents worry about. Yeah, you don't
want to be, you know, a bitch or an asshole
as a father, or the disciplinarian or someone who's mercurial
and raises their voices and God forbid you hit children. No,
I don't condone that, but at the end of the day,
your children, their souls with their own journey that they
(14:50):
will curate for their own benefits, so that they can
evolve and discover their own true nature. That's the game.
So you're more guides as parents, as opposed to to
thinking that's all incumbent upon you to make sure that
your children are kind of molly coddled and covered in
cotton wool.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
It just as well, that's also its own fucked up problem.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I was talking to two people yesterday in a podcast
that's everyone wants to wrap their kids in bubble wrap.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
And that's another. That's another.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
The pendulum is we know so much that the pendulum
is gone in the opposite direction. You know, I was
raised and be pregnant, drink wine, smoke a cigarette, Let
you get out the back door, and hope you see
him at eight o'clock.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Like that's right, that.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Was what that was the generation I didn't even have that.
I didn't have parents that would be there at eight o'clock.
But we you know, everyone wants everyone and I some time.
At one appearance, I was asked the question that I've
been asked a million times about the work life mom
life balance, and I just realized in that moment on
stage talking to like a thousand people. I'm here right now,
and I'm present in what I'm doing, and this is
(15:45):
as important to me and as much a part of
who I am as being a parent, and in this
dating thing that I was explaining to before about running
into all these men, so many men. And I've said
this a bunch of times in this podcast, want a
cookie for like, I'm a very involved dad, and they
want you to really know. And their kid could call
about a belt, they're buying a mall and they jump
(16:06):
off because kids come first. The kids come first, And
I'm like, you know, my child comes first. If something's
going on, my child isn't first every second she's not
in diapers. Like if I'm in an appearance, I'm in
an appearance. There are boundaries. And even with men that
are like, oh, I've never introduced someone to my child,
I'm like, oh, good for you. My daughter has met
people four dates in doesn't mean we're getting married, doesn't
(16:26):
mean anything. But sometimes she'll have an opinion if she
likes them.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
She doesn't.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
Everyone puts these this big emphasis on what they believe
is being like the best parent, And like I said
at this appearance, It's equally as important to me to
be a good parent as it is to be a
good business person as it is to meet someone. If
I don't meet someone and I don't have a partnership,
I'm not going to feel good about the fact that
I'm going to be the cat lady sitting at home
(16:50):
waiting for my daughter to come visit me on Thanksgiving. Like,
I want to have a full life, and I think
you're the most healthy person if you kind of do
have a full life. I just think that people sort
of feel guilty if they're not like standing there as
a concierge for their kids at all times.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
And I don't believe in that.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
No good for you. I think you know, howard is
your daughter?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
She's fourteen fourteen yees.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
So I mean I would say if I were a child,
or if I were counseling parents, which I often do,
then for sure I would much rather a parent who's
self expressed, who is you know, entrusting their child's about
to figure shit out. I mean, my dad, God bless him.
He was one of the most beautiful humans I ever met,
and people often feel sorry for me that he died
when I was seventeen. I'm like, look, I had my
dad for seventeen years who just adored me. You've had
(17:34):
duels for seventeen and he's never told you that he
loves you. So wow, which would you rather?
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Right, Well, that's us of the years that really you
get molded as a person as a kid.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
So that's a that's a fair point. Yeah, that's a
fair yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
But one of the things that to your point about
how you conduct yourself relative to these you know, other
humans who like again, no fault, no judgment, but most
people are dictated by fear, right, So that that guilt
and the concierge, to use your term, energy is all
fear bait, right, So whereas you're living from more of
a freedom base, which I applaud. But my dad would
say to me, he'd draw the shit out of me.
(18:06):
He would have done anything for me, but he would
always tell my friends, you know, if I was going
through something, don't worry about. Peter's old enough and ugly
enough to take care of himself. And that was his
affectionate way.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
That sounds very British.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yeah, figure it out. He's capable, you know. Yeah, So
it's the empowering perspective versus the disempowering. And you know,
humans are so fricking resilient if you look at generations
gone by, the stuff that we had to withstand and
go through, and now everyone's so mollycuddled. I mean this
woke exactly. The woke society I have no time for.
It's like the expression I've seen the memes so many
(18:40):
times where people are ashamed of nothing but offended by everything.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yeah, I want to give people permission.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I'm going to do a podcast permission to be flat,
like to be flawed, and to be selfish like you
you know. Yeah, it's an arbitrary rule that like, oh,
we have to wait.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
A year until I introduced my daughter, someone said who?
Who said who? And why? I want her to be
part of the process.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
It's the two of us, and I want us to
have a whole community if we meet, if I meet
someone that I love, I want it to be a
whole family. But that's just a random thing I'm bringing
up to you, just as arbitrary as like, oh, I know,
and your kids have to comfort like these men they
always want to. It's and it's the same men by
the way of custody of their kids, like well, I no,
the kids come for the kids. I'm like, yeah, no,
my daughter is very important to me and I love
(19:35):
her and she's a priority, but she doesn't always come first.
Like I can go on a vacation, I'm allowed to
leave one night, Like that's okay. Like I learned that
because I had a brutal divorce that made was made
guilty about anything that I did if I ever left
the house for five minutes, and I trained myself into
this bizarre construct. But like, yeah, I think being on
being a healthy, happy person individually is the same thing
(19:59):
as put your mind, like put your mask on first
in the plane. Like exactly, I'm supposed to be happy.
I'm supposed to be healthy. So I'm additive to my
daughter not only a train wreck that's panic stricken, just
to be there for her every second.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
It's weird.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Yeah, And also this is going to maybe shock a
few people, maybe even piss a few people off, which
is fine.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
The misnomer that you know, when a guy or woman
says the kids come first, is actually inaccurate, not only
because it's inaccurate literally, but it's also what's happening is
what they're putting first. If they really understand the mechanics
of the mind. Every human being, by default, and this
isn't bad, is self oriented. So even when a man
(20:39):
that you meet says the kids come first, no, that's
not a truth. What's coming first is his own belief
that the kids should come first. So it's still about him.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Well, I could go even deeper.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
I think it's his own belief that it's the performative
action of what people will think about him saying and
performing that the kids come first.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Correct, So it's still self oriented.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
There's no there's no one out there who myself included,
who's truly selfless, right, because that's not the way we're
designed as humans. Our imperative is to survive, you know,
and that's okay. We do the best we can if
we can transcend our fears, and holy shit, you know,
you really can step into what I speak from, or
I like to really live from, is unconditional love. I
don't have judgment. I hold space for people all around
(21:23):
the world, and I do the best to allow them
to actually step into their own self love. Right, But
most people have got all of these metaphors and these
analogies and these belief systems. It's all self generated, and
that's okay too, but stop.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Yeah, it's a little I know what you say. It's
a little bumper sticker. It's a little bumper sticker. And
also you're not dealing with the other stick like it's
it's not balanced if you're so fixated on thinking that
the kids come first and you're running every second like
something else is out of whack, like every And that's
how it started. When I was on stage that day
to answer that question, I said, I'm present right here
(21:58):
with you as I talk to you, and when I'm
with my daughter most of the time, i'm present as well.
Like I'm not always present in work. Sometimes something happens,
I'm distracting them out a robot. But when I'm with
my daughter, I want to be present too. At dinner,
I intervene in like get off your phone and let's
be together. And so anyway, yeah, this is your interesting
This is an interesting conversation. I'm liking the way this
podcast in general is going because I'm gravitating towards these
(22:21):
types of conversations as I think my audience is. It's
just they do much better ironically than talking to like
the most a list of celebrities about what's going because
it's like people are everyone's just.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Trying to survive. And I think this is the stuff
that's more valuable as the conversation. So I appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Thank you for saying that. That's my commitment. It's certainly
my purpose, as I said, to help people discover this
new world of freedom, love and possibility and having vitality
versus disease, having harmony versus dysfunctions. You know, it's an
entirely different operating system. And it's okay. People are doing
the best they can within the limits of their awareness,
as I said, and that's where the compassion comes in.
I often say, you can't be how to accountable for
(23:00):
that which you're oblivious to, right, so we have this
blind spot. We have these blind spots. That's okay. You
know people who point fingers at people because they spoke
or they drink, and it's like, look, they're doing the
best they can. They don't know why, and if you
could have compassion, they usually are just missing love. You know.
It really comes down to that that they were never held,
they were never seen, they were never heard, they were
never encouraged. And now they're just like anyone else out there,
(23:22):
based in fear, trying to fucking survive, and that's the
human experience. And it's hard, you know, And so I
come from as much compassion as I can. But at
the same time, I have my tough love where when
someone's ready to hear it, I tell them to pull
their head out of the ass and realize they're extraordinary
and be responsible for your existence, you know.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Geat intervene in your own behavior. You and back would
get along. I'm introduced you guys. Maybe we'll I'll get
on one time.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
I think you're great.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
I think this was really interesting and I'm so grateful.
This is a great conversation.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Hopefully you'll come back.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, no, thank you for having me on.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Awesome. Thank you so much. We'll talk again soon.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Pleasure to be with you. Thank you to do went
(24:13):
to do the hater
Hello, I'm good. How are you? Nice to meet you?
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Nice to meet you. I love the woolpaper.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
It's brand new. I'm so happy you said it. The
reason I was a few minutes late. This is the
first time I've ever recorded in this new space, and
I'm feeling myself and so this is Valentine's Day, but
this is my new wallpaper. Yay.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
I'm so happy you complimented me.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Well, I'm glad that I noticed that. And I love love,
so of course i'd see that.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Well, that's a great way to start.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
So I saw something of yours and I forwarded it
to my team and said, can you book this guy?
I don't even remember what I saw, so we'll get
there eventually. But what would you say you specialize in?
Would you your your your life coach? You are a therapist? Like,
what is your background? What do you call yourself? If
(00:58):
you're on a plane with someone?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Well, out there in the world, I'm known more as
the mind architect. I don't particularly like the Monica life coach.
I think it's sort of somewhat diluted, but agreed, the
mind architect is something that I generated necessity being the
mother of invention. I felt there was a void, and
it felt appropriate that I'm re architecting people's in a
(01:22):
thinking space. So my product is freedom. I'm bringing people
freedom from all of their limitations, fears, and constraints.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
I've been hearing a lot somehow I've met. I've ended
up on the attachment style side of TikTok, and I
find it fascinating and I never even knew about it,
Like I'm loving this. What I am loving about social
media is the access to different people's opinions about self help, like,
(01:52):
for example, Mel Robbins right now, my friend Mark basically,
Cauldrey said, she's like the Rachel Ray of like wellness
right now in the sense that she's sort of dumbing
it down, chewing it up and digesting it. So people,
So the average person who's not even interested in this
type of stuff normally can talk about it, which I
think is great. You know, it's like sort of like
fortune cookie self help. I mean, it's like the comap
(02:16):
for meditation. We don't all have to go to India
and know, you know, be silent for three months. And
I think that's a positive move in the right direction,
I think, and I would say it's probably tricky for
people to be listening to everything everyone's saying. But like
anything else, it's like listening to cooking recipes. You can
get a bunch of different advice. You're gonna end up
doing what you think is right, or if something speaks
to you and you could throw the rest away. But
(02:38):
there are these new things that aren't new, but that
are new in the vernacular. And I heard it first
from because I have a dating podcast, and I heard
it first from a dating a matchmaker, and was like,
tell them that you your attachments. I think it was
like to tell my therapist or to ask my therapist
(02:59):
about this, that your dating style is anxious attachment. I
had never heard about it, but the minute I heard
what the words, I was like, that tracks like you
want to feel safe at all times. You want to
know where you are, where you stand. You're not good
with like sporadic communication. And so because of talking about this,
I started, you know, people think about someone else's sign,
their color, personality, whatever, And I started thinking about how
(03:22):
people are compatible with attachment styles, and I think it's
fascinating and I wanted to ask you does everybody have
one or some people only have like the dismissive, avoidant,
or the anxious, like the ends of the spectrum and
the person in the middle is fine.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
It doesn't need to be a signed one.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
I mean, I'm not a traditionally trained therapist, so I
don't really use those terminologies. I look at it more energetically.
But I think that runs the gamut. Right. You've got
the people who are incredibly attached and dependent, the codependency
that we see in relationships, and then you have people
who are more aloof and that's their way of surviving.
I'm much more interested in overcoming all of it. Right,
(04:00):
So rather than classifying yourself like, oh, your pisces or
your virgo, which I understand. I enjoy astrology and all
of those things. I think these more subtle emotional and
behavioral tendencies they can all be transcended if you're committed
to being a potent, powerful human being. That's what I'm
interested in, right.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Otherwise it's a crutch.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
You're hanging on to that thing and saying you get
an excreuse, that's my thing, and now I get to
be that and I am that. It's like saying I'm
a commitment phobic, or these labels that people. So you
don't like any of these labels because they box you in.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Yeah. So that's what I do, is I help transcend
all of the constraints, because that's still a constraint. It's
an enabling behavior where you're basically not wanting to be
accountable for something, which is where you're dismissing your own
power as a human being. So I'm in the camp
of full responsibility for your existence, which not everybody wants.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
Well, no, it's very alive, and it's very present and
it's very honest.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Wow.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
Okay, interesting And how what about the reason I asked this?
Six My mother passed away in April was very very
complicated relationship. But I feel that once your parents pass away,
it's a very profound experience in a positive way. And
(05:18):
it's hard for people to say and admit that, but
you become a different person. You become because you talk
about freedom. I think in ways, even if you had
a great relationship with your parents, I think in ways,
it is freeing. I want to know what you think about,
like what you talk about and think about death.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
I love death, as I was saying around suicide, you know,
like I don't want people to take their lives. I've
helped many people not do it. In fact, one of
my most popular posts on my Instagram is where I
speak about this distinction about like suicide isn't the death
of you, but rather than the death of the part
of you that no longer serves you. Right. So I
love death because again I say that in order to
(05:57):
be fully alive, you have to constantly die to the
olbitteration of yourself. So I love the topic. Again, it
tends to be taboo, and that's why people don't look
at it because there's so much fear. Your comment about
your mom and the death of parents. My mom died
of cancer when I was seven and then dad and
my dad went to work when I was seventeen. I
was an only child, so it was just me and
(06:17):
my dad at that point, and he worked on the ferries.
I grew up in England, and he worked on the
boats that went between Dover in England and Calais in
France and then Zayberger in Belgium. And they carry cargo
and they carry people going on vacations with caravans or whatever.
And he was on a boat the capsides with about
fifteen hundred people on it, like you know, it's like
(06:38):
a cruise liner and he was sadly one of close
to two hundred people that died.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
So you were an orphan. It's seventeen correct.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Yeah, yeah, Wow, that's wild. That's really wild that I
would instinctively want to have you on and not even
knowing really anything about you, but just hearing you speak
for two seconds, and that I've pretty much been an
orphan my whole entire life. I'm also an only child.
But that I would just say that to you and
ask you about that when I never really ask anybody.
I've never asked anyone about that. I've talked about it,
(07:09):
but I think it's weird that I've never asked anybody
about it and now you like walk into it and
it's like that.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
So that's energetic to me? Do you believe in all
of that?
Speaker 3 (07:18):
The energy and like being connected and you being hearing
me saying that for that reason, Like, that's weird to
me one hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I mean that's the realm of trafficking, right with vibrational beings.
I mean everything, ultimately, as Tesla said, comes down to energy,
frequency and vibration. So so yeah, so I cite those
in terms of my own experience, so that I could
address your question, which is, yes, I know, especially after
the death of my mom. I was such a good
little boy, you know, I was such a well behaved,
(07:46):
quintessential perfect child that if my dad was still alive,
I wouldn't And again it's all hypothetical because it's not
what happened. But I wouldn't have become the man I
am today because I would have still been caught under
the auspices of my own It's my own, not his
interpretation of who he thought or I thought he wanted
me to be right. So that's where most children get stuck,
(08:07):
even though they're adults, which is why, as you said,
people do experience some liberation. Yeah, there's grief, but they
ultimately feel free, often when their parents die, because what
happens is that narrative that was within them associated with
their parents now can be let go of. There is
a form of liberation and freedom that occurs, so in
ways that I didn't fully comprehend. Obviously when all of
(08:29):
this happened, I didn't want my dad to die. Now,
of course, I nonetheless recognized from a soul contract that
in order for me to do what I do and
help find freedom for millions of people around the world.
I had to go through that myself. That was my
rite of passage so that I could step into what
it meant. You know, at the beginning, it was pure survival,
but then ultimately I found my own rais on detra
(08:49):
and I found my own purpose. And as I said,
it's about being completely free, and now I can help
people find that even though their parents are still.
Speaker 3 (08:56):
Alive, whether positive or negative, you relateationship was with the parents, Like,
it doesn't have to be that it was bad or good.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
It is.
Speaker 3 (09:04):
I mean, I only know the bad, but it is
and was freeing, and like you, I talked about it,
and I had had a very emotional podcast that was
like a real like gut wrenching, But I did think
it helped a lot of people because I just don't
think it's something that people talk about enough, and I
was going through the experience, so I made sure to
(09:24):
talk about it as I was going through it completely
freed and probably not what most people would think is
at a time when you'd be speaking about it, But
that was why I thought it was important because we
can package it later, but it's different when you're going
through and it's happening.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
You know, well that's the original, you know. To go
back to adult relationships, romantic relationships, our relationship with our
parents is the initial codependency relationship that we learn, right
because as kids, we are dependent, we are powerless, we
are helpless, we are weak, we don't have resources, and
so that energetic dynamic, that attachment tends to propagate into
(09:58):
adult relationships. It is their initial wound. And what people
don't realize is as one of the first traumas that
we all experience without it being a trauma, is we
abandon ourselves because as an agreement, albeit unspoken, that as
a child, we decide that we will be who we
think the parent wants us to be in order to
stay safe, because they're the ones that provide.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
The thing is I there are so many people in
parental and familial relationships that have a nice package. To
your point about the thirty five or fifty years of
marriage has a nice package they get to have. They
have the resume. My parents are together for fifty years,
it was me and my brother whatever, and a lot
of these people because of the things going on inside
the house, a lot of it's like the parents fought
(10:54):
but like with in the other rooms. So they thought
the kids didn't realize they stayed together quote unquote for
the kids, but they were miserable, like the kids do.
Feel like there's a lot of I've noticed a lot
of people that are really really fucked up that came
from a really good environment, and when you unpack it
and go deeper, it wasn't that great. They just don't
(11:15):
get to say that they had issues because it looked perfect.
You know, like maybe you have parents that never really
emoted at all. They just didn't. They're not people that
emote whatsoever. But everything looked good and everybody was dressed
perfectly and everybody did what they we supposed to. That
seems like a prison to me for the way that
I live. At least all the craziness was right out
(11:35):
in the open. I could see it, and so it's
a little more freeing.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, one hundred percent self express right, you know. The
it doesn't matter who I've worked with, they could have
had the most idea copy aesthetic childhood that looks on paper,
like you said, like it's perfect. And then I've got
people who were sadly molested by their own father, and
you know, really heinous and abhorrent things that have happened
to children. It doesn't really matter as far as I'm concerned.
As long as you're here as a human in this
(12:02):
dimension of planet Earth, you've got shit to deal with.
It doesn't matter what happened. That's the actual dimension of
what it is to be human. We arrive with these constraints,
these fears and limitations, and the game of being human
is to break free. That's it. And you are going
to be given the list of characters and these NPCs
and whatever you need to be able to get triggered
(12:22):
to basically evolve and recognize, without sounding too poetic, your
own divine nature. That's the game. Whereas most people play
the human game right, which is, oh, well, I want
to find a partner, I want to go from a
studio apartment to a house and then a place in
the suburbs. I want to make more money, I want
to get more followers. And there's this exognous game that
people are playing where they're trying to control circumstances. That
(12:43):
to me, that's where people are misguided. It's got nothing
to do with that. It's all about the internal revelation
of yourself. That's it.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah, I think you know, my daughter has an incredible
life and I'm very emotionally available and I'm emotionally intelligent
and the advice and nurtured and we have a great
but by the way, I'm a famous person and it's
a lot going on and it's a different life, and
who knows how if she'll be fucked up because of
that or not, Like we can't just everyone's got Yeah.
I just think that people that grew up in normal
(13:14):
quote unquote normal household don't get their flowers enough for
being able to have plight and issues because you don't
know what's going on beneath the surface is what you know,
you don't.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Know what I mean. It doesn't matter who it is, how
ideal like it looks like on the surface. All the
form the manifest world is irrelevant. All of it is
a catalyst to reveal where are you internally as a
human being living from what I consider the current way
that we function as humans is from limitation, fear, suffering, disease,
and dysfunction. That's the current operating system that we have.
(13:49):
And I'm introducing people to the operating system on the
other side of that. So regardless of how available you
are or how beautiful kind you are, emotionally intelligent you are,
for your daughter, no, no slight to you, She's still
going to have to go through whatever she has decided
to go through as a soul in this paradigm.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
That's it, exactly.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Yeah, So that's the good news, right because on both sides.
You know, one of the things that I deal with
with a lot with parents is that guilt, the shame, right,
the mum guilt, and it's like, Okay, you can only
do the best you can within the realm of awareness
that you have. So that's the thing that I want,
you know, parents to understand, is you're going to be
limited by your own awareness, by your own sense of conditioning,
(14:27):
by your own patterns, and so to take the load
off and the pressure that you could fuck up your children,
like a lot of parents worry about. Yeah, you don't
want to be, you know, a bitch or an asshole
as a father, or the disciplinarian or someone who's mercurial
and raises their voices and God forbid you hit children. No,
I don't condone that, but at the end of the day,
your children, their souls with their own journey that they
(14:50):
will curate for their own benefits, so that they can
evolve and discover their own true nature. That's the game.
So you're more guides as parents, as opposed to to
thinking that's all incumbent upon you to make sure that
your children are kind of molly coddled and covered in
cotton wool.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
It just as well, that's also its own fucked up problem.
Speaker 3 (15:07):
I was talking to two people yesterday in a podcast
that's everyone wants to wrap their kids in bubble wrap.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
And that's another. That's another.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
The pendulum is we know so much that the pendulum
is gone in the opposite direction. You know, I was
raised and be pregnant, drink wine, smoke a cigarette, Let
you get out the back door, and hope you see
him at eight o'clock.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Like that's right, that.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Was what that was the generation I didn't even have that.
I didn't have parents that would be there at eight o'clock.
But we you know, everyone wants everyone and I some time.
At one appearance, I was asked the question that I've
been asked a million times about the work life mom
life balance, and I just realized in that moment on
stage talking to like a thousand people. I'm here right now,
and I'm present in what I'm doing, and this is
(15:45):
as important to me and as much a part of
who I am as being a parent, and in this
dating thing that I was explaining to before about running
into all these men, so many men. And I've said
this a bunch of times in this podcast, want a
cookie for like, I'm a very involved dad, and they
want you to really know. And their kid could call
about a belt, they're buying a mall and they jump
(16:06):
off because kids come first. The kids come first, And
I'm like, you know, my child comes first. If something's
going on, my child isn't first every second she's not
in diapers. Like if I'm in an appearance, I'm in
an appearance. There are boundaries. And even with men that
are like, oh, I've never introduced someone to my child,
I'm like, oh, good for you. My daughter has met
people four dates in doesn't mean we're getting married, doesn't
(16:26):
mean anything. But sometimes she'll have an opinion if she
likes them.
Speaker 1 (16:29):
She doesn't.
Speaker 3 (16:29):
Everyone puts these this big emphasis on what they believe
is being like the best parent, And like I said
at this appearance, It's equally as important to me to
be a good parent as it is to be a
good business person as it is to meet someone. If
I don't meet someone and I don't have a partnership,
I'm not going to feel good about the fact that
I'm going to be the cat lady sitting at home
(16:50):
waiting for my daughter to come visit me on Thanksgiving. Like,
I want to have a full life, and I think
you're the most healthy person if you kind of do
have a full life. I just think that people sort
of feel guilty if they're not like standing there as
a concierge for their kids at all times.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
And I don't believe in that.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
No good for you. I think you know, howard is
your daughter?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
She's fourteen fourteen yees.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
So I mean I would say if I were a child,
or if I were counseling parents, which I often do,
then for sure I would much rather a parent who's
self expressed, who is you know, entrusting their child's about
to figure shit out. I mean, my dad, God bless him.
He was one of the most beautiful humans I ever met,
and people often feel sorry for me that he died
when I was seventeen. I'm like, look, I had my
dad for seventeen years who just adored me. You've had
(17:34):
duels for seventeen and he's never told you that he
loves you. So wow, which would you rather?
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Right, Well, that's us of the years that really you
get molded as a person as a kid.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
So that's a that's a fair point. Yeah, that's a
fair yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
But one of the things that to your point about
how you conduct yourself relative to these you know, other
humans who like again, no fault, no judgment, but most
people are dictated by fear, right, So that that guilt
and the concierge, to use your term, energy is all
fear bait, right, So whereas you're living from more of
a freedom base, which I applaud. But my dad would
say to me, he'd draw the shit out of me.
(18:06):
He would have done anything for me, but he would
always tell my friends, you know, if I was going
through something, don't worry about. Peter's old enough and ugly
enough to take care of himself. And that was his
affectionate way.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
That sounds very British.
Speaker 2 (18:18):
Yeah, figure it out. He's capable, you know. Yeah, So
it's the empowering perspective versus the disempowering. And you know,
humans are so fricking resilient if you look at generations
gone by, the stuff that we had to withstand and
go through, and now everyone's so mollycuddled. I mean this
woke exactly. The woke society I have no time for.
It's like the expression I've seen the memes so many
(18:40):
times where people are ashamed of nothing but offended by everything.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yeah, I want to give people permission.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I'm going to do a podcast permission to be flat,
like to be flawed, and to be selfish like you
you know. Yeah, it's an arbitrary rule that like, oh,
we have to wait.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
A year until I introduced my daughter, someone said who?
Who said who? And why? I want her to be
part of the process.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
It's the two of us, and I want us to
have a whole community if we meet, if I meet
someone that I love, I want it to be a
whole family. But that's just a random thing I'm bringing
up to you, just as arbitrary as like, oh, I know,
and your kids have to comfort like these men they
always want to. It's and it's the same men by
the way of custody of their kids, like well, I no,
the kids come for the kids. I'm like, yeah, no,
my daughter is very important to me and I love
(19:35):
her and she's a priority, but she doesn't always come first.
Like I can go on a vacation, I'm allowed to
leave one night, Like that's okay. Like I learned that
because I had a brutal divorce that made was made
guilty about anything that I did if I ever left
the house for five minutes, and I trained myself into
this bizarre construct. But like, yeah, I think being on
being a healthy, happy person individually is the same thing
(19:59):
as put your mind, like put your mask on first
in the plane. Like exactly, I'm supposed to be happy.
I'm supposed to be healthy. So I'm additive to my
daughter not only a train wreck that's panic stricken, just
to be there for her every second.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
It's weird.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Yeah, And also this is going to maybe shock a
few people, maybe even piss a few people off, which
is fine.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
The misnomer that you know, when a guy or woman
says the kids come first, is actually inaccurate, not only
because it's inaccurate literally, but it's also what's happening is
what they're putting first. If they really understand the mechanics
of the mind. Every human being, by default, and this
isn't bad, is self oriented. So even when a man
(20:39):
that you meet says the kids come first, no, that's
not a truth. What's coming first is his own belief
that the kids should come first. So it's still about him.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Well, I could go even deeper.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
I think it's his own belief that it's the performative
action of what people will think about him saying and
performing that the kids come first.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Correct, So it's still self oriented.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
There's no there's no one out there who myself included,
who's truly selfless, right, because that's not the way we're
designed as humans. Our imperative is to survive, you know,
and that's okay. We do the best we can if
we can transcend our fears, and holy shit, you know,
you really can step into what I speak from, or
I like to really live from, is unconditional love. I
don't have judgment. I hold space for people all around
(21:23):
the world, and I do the best to allow them
to actually step into their own self love. Right, But
most people have got all of these metaphors and these
analogies and these belief systems. It's all self generated, and
that's okay too, but stop.
Speaker 3 (21:36):
Yeah, it's a little I know what you say. It's
a little bumper sticker. It's a little bumper sticker. And
also you're not dealing with the other stick like it's
it's not balanced if you're so fixated on thinking that
the kids come first and you're running every second like
something else is out of whack, like every And that's
how it started. When I was on stage that day
to answer that question, I said, I'm present right here
(21:58):
with you as I talk to you, and when I'm
with my daughter most of the time, i'm present as well.
Like I'm not always present in work. Sometimes something happens,
I'm distracting them out a robot. But when I'm with
my daughter, I want to be present too. At dinner,
I intervene in like get off your phone and let's
be together. And so anyway, yeah, this is your interesting
This is an interesting conversation. I'm liking the way this
podcast in general is going because I'm gravitating towards these
(22:21):
types of conversations as I think my audience is. It's
just they do much better ironically than talking to like
the most a list of celebrities about what's going because
it's like people are everyone's just.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Trying to survive. And I think this is the stuff
that's more valuable as the conversation. So I appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Thank you for saying that. That's my commitment. It's certainly
my purpose, as I said, to help people discover this
new world of freedom, love and possibility and having vitality
versus disease, having harmony versus dysfunctions. You know, it's an
entirely different operating system. And it's okay. People are doing
the best they can within the limits of their awareness,
as I said, and that's where the compassion comes in.
I often say, you can't be how to accountable for
(23:00):
that which you're oblivious to, right, so we have this
blind spot. We have these blind spots. That's okay. You
know people who point fingers at people because they spoke
or they drink, and it's like, look, they're doing the
best they can. They don't know why, and if you
could have compassion, they usually are just missing love. You know.
It really comes down to that that they were never held,
they were never seen, they were never heard, they were
never encouraged. And now they're just like anyone else out there,
(23:22):
based in fear, trying to fucking survive, and that's the
human experience. And it's hard, you know, And so I
come from as much compassion as I can. But at
the same time, I have my tough love where when
someone's ready to hear it, I tell them to pull
their head out of the ass and realize they're extraordinary
and be responsible for your existence, you know.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
Geat intervene in your own behavior. You and back would
get along. I'm introduced you guys. Maybe we'll I'll get
on one time.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
I think you're great.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
I think this was really interesting and I'm so grateful.
This is a great conversation.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Hopefully you'll come back.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, no, thank you for having me on.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Awesome. Thank you so much. We'll talk again soon.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Pleasure to be with you. Thank you to do went
(24:13):
to do the hater
Host
Bethenny Frankel
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season
Daniel Jeremiah of Move the Sticks and Gregg Rosenthal of NFL Daily join forces to break down every team's needs this offseason.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.