October 4, 2024 • 22 mins
Whether you're dating or doing business, you have to have compatibility, attraction, and the right vibes. PLUS: The 90 Day Rule and other truths.
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
Let's get into business compatibility. For some reason, people think
about relationship compatibility but don't think about business compatibility. So
the way that you have to have the right fit
in relationships energy. So they say, the experts say, you
have to have like like an attraction, you're attracted to
each other. Okay, there's some version of an attraction. Okay,
(00:35):
that could happen that that needs to happen in business too.
What's the attraction? Do I like the idea? Do I
think you're interesting? Are you? Am I excited by what
you're saying? Am I excited about by the products you have?
Am I excited by the partnership? Okay? That's the that's
the chemistry. Okay, then we need desire, like commitment. Do
you want to do this? Are you in the same boat?
Are you on the same page. Someone could be like
(00:56):
they say breadcrumbing you where they're giving you little bits,
where they're asking for booty call, but you want to
get married. That's not the same page. In business, it
could be like someone basically wants to take a business
and they want to turn it in eighteen months. They
want to cash out. You want to build a legacy
business that you could pass on to your kids. You
think your idea is good enough, that's not a compatibility fit.
(01:16):
There are a thousand examples, but you're picking up what
I'm putting down. Then energetic are you on the same
energetic wavelength? Meaning do you vibe well with this person
or your like patterns aligned? So if you're vibing with
someone in a relationship. I vibe with certain people more
than others. And I have been in serious relationships where
(01:38):
I care about and love the person, and or I
trust them and I think they're loyal, but I don't
vibe with them like they want to go to bed early,
I want to stay out late. They don't burst and
then relax. They're constantly at like a slow burn all
the time. They're extremely structured. They like the same thing
every day. I don't like that. I want to go
then I want to retreat, Like that's the vibe, that's
(01:59):
the energy, And that has to happen in business too.
Do you have a business partner that's gonna be like,
let's fucking go right now, it's go time. We will
sleep when we're dead. Pros play hurt, but then when
it's calm, be like, all right, we all need a
work retreat. Everyone needs to relax. I'm staying home, I'm
getting a massage. You know, I need a break. Some
people energetically want to be working twenty four hours a day.
(02:21):
Some people energetically want a work life balance. They need
to be home for their kids. They need to be
at every single recital. They want to be doing pick
up and drop off. It's all okay, but you need
to know before you get into business with someone. Business
compatibility is equally as important as relationship compatibility, and it
doesn't mean in either case it has to be the same.
(02:41):
You don't have to be looking for someone exactly like you.
But if you are going to go burst, is that
person gonna then pick up the slack when you're bursting,
you know, meaning they're gonna balance you out. They're gonna
be the yin to your yang. And the same thing
in relationships, like you're gonna be the star, they're gonna
be the rock. You're gonna be nuts. They can handle
it nuts, they're gonna balance you out. Same thing in business.
(03:03):
You're gonna have one person that's operations, logistics, strategy, a
little more weeds, little less sexy. The other person's the visionary,
the creator, the connector, the alive one, the person with
all the ideas, the rainmaker. That would be me, for example. Now,
I'm very organized and I can deal with the other part,
but I can't get bogged down in weeds. I have
(03:23):
the idea. I know what we should do, I know
where we should go, I know everything about it, and
I know even how we're gonna get there. I could
give them the map. Someone else has to sit there
and look at the map and drive the boat and
make sure we get there. That's what I'm talking about
about business compatibility. I believe that this is the true
(03:55):
timeline of dating cycles. Okay, you're gonna have to listen
to me, because I go on social media. I listen
to these girls in their twenties and their thirties. They
don't know what the fuck they're talking about. They just
don't have enough institutional knowledge. I don't care if it's
twenty twenty four or if you're holding a fucking club
in bedrock wearing a pelt. Okay, these things are true.
I do believe. I've always believed ninety days three months
(04:16):
is when you know if you're off to the races
or not. Like this, is when you have swum between
Cuba and Florida. You are halfway and you're like, are
we going to continue this thing or are we going back? Okay,
it doesn't mean you're definitely imprinted. It also depends upon
the dynamic. Have you seen the person once or twice
a week? Are you seeing them all the time? A
lot of things factor in. But if you are connected
(04:38):
and you are really dating someone and you're both intentional
about that with the same goals, after three months, you
will know we got a real fucking shot at this thing,
or we probably don't, and it can be a time
to reframe and redefine. Okay, and number two, I believe
that the first gauntlet is six weeks. In the very beginning,
(04:58):
both people are literally like dogs in the dog parks,
sniffing each other. They don't know. You don't know what
you get, the pheromones, you get the oxytocin. In the beginning,
you think there's an attraction, but there is a lot
to work out, depending upon what age you are. But
it could be religion, it could be location, It could
be family, It could be blending. It could be kids,
it could be parents, It can be jobs, lifestyles, a
(05:20):
person's a player. You're not you know, bier rhythms. It
could be a thousand things. Okay, it takes you at
least six weeks to even know if you know how
to walk together. You're like toddlers, like you can't, you're
not even like you don't even know what you're doing yet.
But once you hit like six weeks, you're like, all right,
we got a live one. We got a live one.
(05:42):
It's like in television production when you're like, we might
have a show. You don't definitely have a show, but
you know at a certain point if you might have
a show and it's never a day and it's never
a weekend, it's like a couple, you know, it's like
six weeks and you're like, I think we might have
a show. That's what it's like with dating. If you're
like I said, intentional and you know what's going on.
(06:03):
It's also a time you don't want to be crazy,
but where you want to somewhat define. Three months is
a real definition. Six weeks is a somewhat definition. It's like,
are we even going to get up to the starting line?
You know what I mean? Like, that's what I think,
And here's another thing I'm gonna tell you guys that
you gotta listen to. If you are dating someone and
(06:26):
you're trying to train them now, they may not need
training or polish. They may seem like they need training
or polish because they too are scared and insecure and
they're sizing you up. Also, you are in the kingdom
in the jungle, either one and both of you are
animals sizing each other up. And we're always in our
own heads thinking we're the only one sizing the other
person up and we're the only one insecure. I have
(06:48):
learned it as equal. So both people are in their
own heads, maybe talking to their friends, different reasons, sizing
the other person up. Okay, here's a key that you
must remember. You need to know if this person can
be trained and can be what you want them to be,
because the last thing you want to do is be
on this road for nine months, fall for someone, and
(07:10):
then you find out. So you have to find the
delicate balance between letting someone know what you want and
need without seeming like a psychopath. It's like I want
to be married like a crazy person. Okay, you have
to find the delicate balance. And here's what I say
if something is not making you feel good, now you
don't just walk. I've said before, like get out of it.
Something may not be making you feel good because someone
(07:31):
else is also insecure. They have their own reasons or
patterns that you are not a mind reader. People do
not come with batteries included. You can't just take the
remote out and make them a robot. They've lived their
own grown ass life, been raised by their own grown
ass parents, had their own grown ass dysfunctional childhood. So
you can't expect them to be what your brain is
telling you. They're supposed to pay, they're supposed to open
(07:52):
the door, they're supposed to do this, they're supposed to
ask me this. This is a script you wrote that
they didn't sign. They don't know that, they didn't read.
They don't know anything about it, just like you don't
know what they want. I've been told things by people,
have data to been like, wait, what you cared about that?
I didn't fucking know. Okay, So if someone's doing something
that you don't like, not by text, you find a
way to communicate that without being too aggressive. But here's
(08:15):
the kicker, here's the most important thing. You have to
balance letting someone else know how interested in them you
are without being desperate. It's a confidence. It's like a
confidence to say, Hi, I got this, Like Hi, I'm
into you. But there's a butt. But make no mistake,
(08:36):
I'm not saying you're saying this. You may say this
at some point you're at you are being this. Make
no mistake. If I'm not getting what I need out
of this relationship, I will walk. So it is a
little bit like a business like meaning you're in something
with someone and you are so into them, and you
want them to know how into them you are, so
you can diffuse some of their insecurity. You want them
(08:57):
to feel safe, but you also want them to feel
equally unsafe if they're not treating you properly, meaning I
am so into you that like it hurts, but I
will also walk if I'm not treated like the prize
that I am, and like the prize that I'll treat
you like. So it's a fine line and there's a
confidence to it, and you know it because you hear
it in my voice. And that's something I've always been
(09:18):
good at. That's how I've gotten what I've wanted in
relationships or saved. So much time by being like, look,
remember I think I told you a long time ago
the story about the guy that like just kept saying like, well,
I don't want to commitment. I'm like, no problem, And
he wasn't evolving. The relationship wasn't moving forward. I don't
do two steps forward three steps back, Like, I don't
do that. I'll do two steps forward to a quarter,
(09:39):
you know, one in three quarter steps back like maybe
we make some mistakes kind of, but I need to
be moving forward and evolving, and I'll tell someone that.
It's like if I don't do like no, and people
are attracted to confidence in relationship, like they're attracted to
knowing what you want without seeming like a psychopath. That's
a crying that you want to be engaged by spring.
It's not that it's the right balance so you are
(10:01):
confident and secure, and it's people will be completely into it.
Here's another thing. Someone could be a piece of coal
and become a diamond as long as the intention is there,
as long as you've said like if someone, if someone's
communicated to you that they're opened for business, you can
(10:21):
constructively criticize them, constructively give them notes. I like to
say notes if you find that they don't make the
same mistake twice if they take the note. It really
doesn't matter if there are ten thousand mistakes, because you'll
work on them. If it's the same type of mistake
in another form, that's not good. But like, you don't
need to be bored. You don't need a fucking Rubik's cube.
(10:42):
It as all the sides lined up when you meet them.
It's okay to be a work in progress. If the
intention is there, and your intention is there too, you're
gonna do the work too. That's kind of a great
relationship because that's a good business relationship too. It would
never be perfect. It's not a robot, So I think
that's great. Like, we want somebody to be perfect in
the beginning, but that's just too much to ask. And
(11:04):
haven't you been in a relationship where someone seemed perfect
in the beginning because you had rose colored glasses, and
then the wheels start coming off because you idealized who
they were and you expect them to live up to
that original perfection. I'd rather you know someone's polished and
flawed but has intention and is willing and wants to
do the work in the relationship. That's to me, the
best combination that I really like because it means someone
(11:28):
It's like someone working on a business. It means they
want it. Another thing I talked to my therapist about
(11:48):
is reframing things. When you're younger, you have these ideals
about what it has to be. Let's just say you
meet someone, you're dating them, and like you've decided what
the relationship has to be. Doesn't have to be with
who you're dating now, it could be with an X.
You've hated your ex. You guys aren't speaking. That's what
That's what you've determined. What if it evolves. What if
it becomes a situation where you don't hate your ex,
(12:10):
where like it's only positive, you don't think negative thoughts.
It's a person that you could call around the holidays,
and you're reframing it because it just opens things up
to be different. You could reframe how you think about
a parent that abused you, like it could be for yourself.
You could just hate them and have such a toxic
relationship to it. Or you could reframe it where you're
(12:31):
going to put it, put it in a different drawer,
reorganize it, talk to someone about it to let it breathe,
and it opens yourself up to so much more possibility
in different situations. I've had people that I've dated that
people around me want to know what it is because,
as my therapist said, certainty prevents anxiety, but it's kind
(12:53):
of a myth meaning it's like fool's gold. We want
to know what this is. I've spent this time with
this guy, I've seen met his family. I'm doing this.
We went a vacation, we did that, We did that.
Everybody around me is asking when don't we get engaged?
When is this happening? You want a definition, not only
for yourself but for other people, and it's trapping and
that definition will eliminate certain anxiety because it's giving you
(13:18):
an answer, but it could create other anxiety because you're
forcing an outcome before an outcome is possible. Like what
if you meet someone, you love them, you're attracted to them,
it's going great, but what if something comes up that
that might not work for you? You don't want to
just jam it, to jam certainty to try to alleviate anxiety.
(13:40):
Same thing even with a job, an opportunity, a friendship,
a sport, whatever it is, like you have to let
things breathe and reframe them and keep reframing them so
you open yourself up to possibility. It's really hard. When
I was younger, I never understood, just like dating, what
it would mean to like or just being with someone
in not knowing the outcome, and then we give ourselves
(14:02):
different things. Oh but I'm thirty seven. I can't be
dating someone right now unless I know I'm having a kid,
and then you're trapping yourself. I can't do this unless
i know that he's gonna convert because I'm Jewish. Like,
what if you're having an experience, being present, being in
the moment, being very Buddhist about it, and instead you're
trying to trap it, and then you eliminate the fun
you could have with this person for a chapter, maybe
(14:22):
you meet someone else through this person, you know. Being
my age, Oh, I'm this age and I can't I've
said this to myself sixty times, like in my life
at different stages. Oh well, at this age, I can't
waste time. It's times it's okay, like it's not to
be wasted where you're sitting on your couch smoking pot.
But if you're having an experience and you're happy and
you're being positive, and you're evolving as a person. Don't
(14:45):
try to crowd and trap what everything needs to be,
whether it's work or dating or anything. Don't give yourself
that kind of pressure. Reframe it. It could be even parenting.
You could be a perfect parent at a certain times,
so involved doing everything, sowing every costume go. Then you
could be a selfish parent. Your kid is fine, they're safe,
they're thriving at school, they're thriving. You're there for them
(15:06):
when they need you, But you want to fucking do
some shit for yourself. It's all okay. It's a reframing
and a rebalancing, and it will be very liberating. I
am literally happier than I've ever been in my life.
I would say I don't know why. I do know why.
I'm just living truthfully. I'm being present, I'm in the
moment and it's working. So I always want to pass
it on to you. Let's talk about how men grieve
(15:33):
a relationship versus how women grieve. I've seen this time
and time again. Okay, break up, serious relationship, gutting, devastating
decision has been made. Off to the races. You'll have relapses.
Both parties might have relapses. It's very hard to exit.
It's like exiting, you know. It's the worst possible thing.
It's like a divorce, it's a death. Great. Here's what happens.
(15:55):
Men desensitize, compartmentalize. They think they've got it. They've got big,
swinging dicks. They've been with the same person, presumably they
haven't been cheating for a while. They've been eating the
same fricking flavor every night. And they have guys around
them who are either married and living by carry so
they fucking dude, go get laid. Or guys who are
actually getting laid and need to justify it and want
(16:17):
to party and maybe the old guy at the club
or just out doing what they want, living the selfish lifestyle, okay,
Or they're married and they're cheaters and they need a
person to come be with them. Men go out. They
take that bait. They want to prove to themselves, to
their other guy friends and to their ex that they
can get laid. Any man can get laid anytime, anywhere.
Any person can get laid, and they want a flex,
(16:39):
and they often will want to go with someone younger,
someone younger, someone hot, or someone more stupid, someone that's
gonna listen to your bullshit, someone that seems so much
more interesting. And then they eat the same flavor. They
eat different versions of ice cream. One days it's vanilla sprinkles,
the next day it's chocolate, the next day it's the
next one. They go out and they're having fun. They're
fucking lit up. Maybe they're not used to drinking this much.
(17:01):
They get Sunday scaries, they get a little depressed, they
get the wings. They get back to work. They focus
on work. They're thriving, they're working out. Their abs are cut,
their biceps are bicepping. They're thrilled. Then they get sick
of the buffet. The buffet becomes tiring. They've seen it.
It looked so good when you walked up. You ever
go up to the buffet, looks so good when you
walk up. Twenty minutes later, you've got like the dressing
(17:22):
on top of fruit. They're on enough plates. You don't
know where to dispose of it. You want to start over.
You fucked up your whole plate. Doesn't matter whether you're
at Sizzler or the Mandarin Oriental two hundred dollars caviare
and sushi infested buffet. It's the same thing. You get
sick of it. You're like, get me out of here.
I don't want this fucking buffet. I'm disgusted. I just
want like simple scrambled eggs and a piece of rye toast. Okay.
(17:44):
That's when they start looking back at the X or
they just start feeling defeated. They don't know what to do.
They start fantasizing about their their past relationship. They've now
become a little depressed. It's sort of like the way
the guys got in wedding crashers, where like they did
it. It was so exciting. They were banging chicks. Then they
got sick of the weddings. It looked depressing. They were
moving towards funerals. It was really not a good look.
(18:06):
That's how men grieve. Then they want to go back.
They missed the X that they want the normal They
want the normalcy. That's when the husbands that were married
to the same boring wife that's doing pick up and
drop off in soccer and fricking gatorade and class snacks
and pta. They then want this person back because it's
a semblance of order. Men don't know how to do
(18:27):
anything for themselves. It's somebody who cares. It's somebody who's
there when you're sick, when you're snotting, when you're disgusting.
Who's giving you sympathy, when you're hungover, who's making you
the food, Who's taking care of it? Then men hit
their low. Women are the opposite. Women come out. They
hit their low right away. They smashed directly into a
brick wall. It's the ice cream, it's first. It's the
(18:49):
weight loss. It's the crying. It's the not eating. It's
the telling anyone who will listen. It's the drinking during
the day. It's the drama. It's the personality. You're break
up being your entire personality. It's hard to function. You're crying,
your eyes are swollen, it's hard to work. Everyone knows
about it. You have a circle of friends. You just
go in the round, rob and talk to anyone who
will listen. Maybe you do some therapy. You are going
in circles, okay, and then you slowly, like a bird
(19:12):
pecking out of the shell, just like slowly start pecking
your beak from the inside, like, Hi, are you there? God?
It's me Margaret wanting some daylight. You start moving towards
feeling a little better. You're going out. You're crying, but
you're out at dinner with other people. You're talking about it.
You're meeting someone one night, you might meet a handsome guy.
You might make the mistake of telling the handsome guy
about your ex because you're still a rookie. But you're
you're in the game. You start it. You decide it's
(19:35):
a good idea to start working out for rebellion for yourself. Now,
all of a sudden, you're a person that works out,
and your ex never saw you work out, just like
the guy that you were in the relationship but that
also broke up with you, that's now working out all
of a sudden, his corvette and his biceps, of his personality.
But now you start working out. You also decide you
want a different style. You might want a different hairstyle.
(19:55):
You're kind of a different person. You're more social, you
do things you wouldn't. You're the fun girl friend. You're fun,
and then you fucking become a peacock. You are done.
You are having the glow up of your whole fucking life.
So at the same time that this woman who is
eating the ice cream, begging, And it's actually better to
(20:16):
be the woman because the woman is like sort of
still a little desperate. In the beginning, you're still sort
of maybe even begging. You may want to get back together,
even though you know it's wrong. You're still fantasizing your relationship.
You're eating the ice cream. You're just kind of a
little bit of a loser. You know you're a loser.
You pray that one day you won't look at your phone,
you won't look at the text, you won't pray for it,
you won't wonder you know what's wrong with your phone,
(20:36):
you won't beg for him to call, you won't want
the revenge, all of it. And then one day the
skies open up and you won't and you are the
fucking full fledged peacock. And it's better because in the beginning,
when it's all like new and everybody's sort of a
little miserable, that's when you go into your main misery,
so you kind of get it out of the way.
It's not really on a delay, but the man. So
(20:57):
when that peacock really fucking put it's all its feathers
out in full bloom, that's when the man hits rock
bottom and the combination is lethal. That's when the man
comes in seeing the peacock, wanting the peacock back, and girl,
you are so fucking far away, you are showing your colors,
and that guy will take a lot longer. He will
now go hard. And if you ever want to see
(21:18):
this in true example, go look at I think it
was David Mammott play About last Night, the movie with
Rob Low and de Me Moore. It is the quintessential
breakup movie, way better than The Breakup. The Breakup did
that a little with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, but
Rob Low and to Me Moore and About last Night
(21:38):
crystallizes the whole entire thing. Crystallizes. She finally fucking got
her power back and it's over. He told me that
(22:03):
to do the bus
Let's get into business compatibility. For some reason, people think
about relationship compatibility but don't think about business compatibility. So
the way that you have to have the right fit
in relationships energy. So they say, the experts say, you
have to have like like an attraction, you're attracted to
each other. Okay, there's some version of an attraction. Okay,
(00:35):
that could happen that that needs to happen in business too.
What's the attraction? Do I like the idea? Do I
think you're interesting? Are you? Am I excited by what
you're saying? Am I excited about by the products you have?
Am I excited by the partnership? Okay? That's the that's
the chemistry. Okay, then we need desire, like commitment. Do
you want to do this? Are you in the same boat?
Are you on the same page. Someone could be like
(00:56):
they say breadcrumbing you where they're giving you little bits,
where they're asking for booty call, but you want to
get married. That's not the same page. In business, it
could be like someone basically wants to take a business
and they want to turn it in eighteen months. They
want to cash out. You want to build a legacy
business that you could pass on to your kids. You
think your idea is good enough, that's not a compatibility fit.
(01:16):
There are a thousand examples, but you're picking up what
I'm putting down. Then energetic are you on the same
energetic wavelength? Meaning do you vibe well with this person
or your like patterns aligned? So if you're vibing with
someone in a relationship. I vibe with certain people more
than others. And I have been in serious relationships where
(01:38):
I care about and love the person, and or I
trust them and I think they're loyal, but I don't
vibe with them like they want to go to bed early,
I want to stay out late. They don't burst and
then relax. They're constantly at like a slow burn all
the time. They're extremely structured. They like the same thing
every day. I don't like that. I want to go
then I want to retreat, Like that's the vibe, that's
(01:59):
the energy, And that has to happen in business too.
Do you have a business partner that's gonna be like,
let's fucking go right now, it's go time. We will
sleep when we're dead. Pros play hurt, but then when
it's calm, be like, all right, we all need a
work retreat. Everyone needs to relax. I'm staying home, I'm
getting a massage. You know, I need a break. Some
people energetically want to be working twenty four hours a day.
(02:21):
Some people energetically want a work life balance. They need
to be home for their kids. They need to be
at every single recital. They want to be doing pick
up and drop off. It's all okay, but you need
to know before you get into business with someone. Business
compatibility is equally as important as relationship compatibility, and it
doesn't mean in either case it has to be the same.
(02:41):
You don't have to be looking for someone exactly like you.
But if you are going to go burst, is that
person gonna then pick up the slack when you're bursting,
you know, meaning they're gonna balance you out. They're gonna
be the yin to your yang. And the same thing
in relationships, like you're gonna be the star, they're gonna
be the rock. You're gonna be nuts. They can handle
it nuts, they're gonna balance you out. Same thing in business.
(03:03):
You're gonna have one person that's operations, logistics, strategy, a
little more weeds, little less sexy. The other person's the visionary,
the creator, the connector, the alive one, the person with
all the ideas, the rainmaker. That would be me, for example. Now,
I'm very organized and I can deal with the other part,
but I can't get bogged down in weeds. I have
(03:23):
the idea. I know what we should do, I know
where we should go, I know everything about it, and
I know even how we're gonna get there. I could
give them the map. Someone else has to sit there
and look at the map and drive the boat and
make sure we get there. That's what I'm talking about
about business compatibility. I believe that this is the true
(03:55):
timeline of dating cycles. Okay, you're gonna have to listen
to me, because I go on social media. I listen
to these girls in their twenties and their thirties. They
don't know what the fuck they're talking about. They just
don't have enough institutional knowledge. I don't care if it's
twenty twenty four or if you're holding a fucking club
in bedrock wearing a pelt. Okay, these things are true.
I do believe. I've always believed ninety days three months
(04:16):
is when you know if you're off to the races
or not. Like this, is when you have swum between
Cuba and Florida. You are halfway and you're like, are
we going to continue this thing or are we going back? Okay,
it doesn't mean you're definitely imprinted. It also depends upon
the dynamic. Have you seen the person once or twice
a week? Are you seeing them all the time? A
lot of things factor in. But if you are connected
(04:38):
and you are really dating someone and you're both intentional
about that with the same goals, after three months, you
will know we got a real fucking shot at this thing,
or we probably don't, and it can be a time
to reframe and redefine. Okay, and number two, I believe
that the first gauntlet is six weeks. In the very beginning,
(04:58):
both people are literally like dogs in the dog parks,
sniffing each other. They don't know. You don't know what
you get, the pheromones, you get the oxytocin. In the beginning,
you think there's an attraction, but there is a lot
to work out, depending upon what age you are. But
it could be religion, it could be location, It could
be family, It could be blending. It could be kids,
it could be parents, It can be jobs, lifestyles, a
(05:20):
person's a player. You're not you know, bier rhythms. It
could be a thousand things. Okay, it takes you at
least six weeks to even know if you know how
to walk together. You're like toddlers, like you can't, you're
not even like you don't even know what you're doing yet.
But once you hit like six weeks, you're like, all right,
we got a live one. We got a live one.
(05:42):
It's like in television production when you're like, we might
have a show. You don't definitely have a show, but
you know at a certain point if you might have
a show and it's never a day and it's never
a weekend, it's like a couple, you know, it's like
six weeks and you're like, I think we might have
a show. That's what it's like with dating. If you're
like I said, intentional and you know what's going on.
(06:03):
It's also a time you don't want to be crazy,
but where you want to somewhat define. Three months is
a real definition. Six weeks is a somewhat definition. It's like,
are we even going to get up to the starting line?
You know what I mean? Like, that's what I think,
And here's another thing I'm gonna tell you guys that
you gotta listen to. If you are dating someone and
(06:26):
you're trying to train them now, they may not need
training or polish. They may seem like they need training
or polish because they too are scared and insecure and
they're sizing you up. Also, you are in the kingdom
in the jungle, either one and both of you are
animals sizing each other up. And we're always in our
own heads thinking we're the only one sizing the other
person up and we're the only one insecure. I have
(06:48):
learned it as equal. So both people are in their
own heads, maybe talking to their friends, different reasons, sizing
the other person up. Okay, here's a key that you
must remember. You need to know if this person can
be trained and can be what you want them to be,
because the last thing you want to do is be
on this road for nine months, fall for someone, and
(07:10):
then you find out. So you have to find the
delicate balance between letting someone know what you want and
need without seeming like a psychopath. It's like I want
to be married like a crazy person. Okay, you have
to find the delicate balance. And here's what I say
if something is not making you feel good, now you
don't just walk. I've said before, like get out of it.
Something may not be making you feel good because someone
(07:31):
else is also insecure. They have their own reasons or
patterns that you are not a mind reader. People do
not come with batteries included. You can't just take the
remote out and make them a robot. They've lived their
own grown ass life, been raised by their own grown
ass parents, had their own grown ass dysfunctional childhood. So
you can't expect them to be what your brain is
telling you. They're supposed to pay, they're supposed to open
(07:52):
the door, they're supposed to do this, they're supposed to
ask me this. This is a script you wrote that
they didn't sign. They don't know that, they didn't read.
They don't know anything about it, just like you don't
know what they want. I've been told things by people,
have data to been like, wait, what you cared about that?
I didn't fucking know. Okay, So if someone's doing something
that you don't like, not by text, you find a
way to communicate that without being too aggressive. But here's
(08:15):
the kicker, here's the most important thing. You have to
balance letting someone else know how interested in them you
are without being desperate. It's a confidence. It's like a
confidence to say, Hi, I got this, Like Hi, I'm
into you. But there's a butt. But make no mistake,
(08:36):
I'm not saying you're saying this. You may say this
at some point you're at you are being this. Make
no mistake. If I'm not getting what I need out
of this relationship, I will walk. So it is a
little bit like a business like meaning you're in something
with someone and you are so into them, and you
want them to know how into them you are, so
you can diffuse some of their insecurity. You want them
(08:57):
to feel safe, but you also want them to feel
equally unsafe if they're not treating you properly, meaning I
am so into you that like it hurts, but I
will also walk if I'm not treated like the prize
that I am, and like the prize that I'll treat
you like. So it's a fine line and there's a
confidence to it, and you know it because you hear
it in my voice. And that's something I've always been
(09:18):
good at. That's how I've gotten what I've wanted in
relationships or saved. So much time by being like, look,
remember I think I told you a long time ago
the story about the guy that like just kept saying like, well,
I don't want to commitment. I'm like, no problem, And
he wasn't evolving. The relationship wasn't moving forward. I don't
do two steps forward three steps back, Like, I don't
do that. I'll do two steps forward to a quarter,
(09:39):
you know, one in three quarter steps back like maybe
we make some mistakes kind of, but I need to
be moving forward and evolving, and I'll tell someone that.
It's like if I don't do like no, and people
are attracted to confidence in relationship, like they're attracted to
knowing what you want without seeming like a psychopath. That's
a crying that you want to be engaged by spring.
It's not that it's the right balance so you are
(10:01):
confident and secure, and it's people will be completely into it.
Here's another thing. Someone could be a piece of coal
and become a diamond as long as the intention is there,
as long as you've said like if someone, if someone's
communicated to you that they're opened for business, you can
(10:21):
constructively criticize them, constructively give them notes. I like to
say notes if you find that they don't make the
same mistake twice if they take the note. It really
doesn't matter if there are ten thousand mistakes, because you'll
work on them. If it's the same type of mistake
in another form, that's not good. But like, you don't
need to be bored. You don't need a fucking Rubik's cube.
(10:42):
It as all the sides lined up when you meet them.
It's okay to be a work in progress. If the
intention is there, and your intention is there too, you're
gonna do the work too. That's kind of a great
relationship because that's a good business relationship too. It would
never be perfect. It's not a robot, So I think
that's great. Like, we want somebody to be perfect in
the beginning, but that's just too much to ask. And
(11:04):
haven't you been in a relationship where someone seemed perfect
in the beginning because you had rose colored glasses, and
then the wheels start coming off because you idealized who
they were and you expect them to live up to
that original perfection. I'd rather you know someone's polished and
flawed but has intention and is willing and wants to
do the work in the relationship. That's to me, the
best combination that I really like because it means someone
(11:28):
It's like someone working on a business. It means they
want it. Another thing I talked to my therapist about
(11:48):
is reframing things. When you're younger, you have these ideals
about what it has to be. Let's just say you
meet someone, you're dating them, and like you've decided what
the relationship has to be. Doesn't have to be with
who you're dating now, it could be with an X.
You've hated your ex. You guys aren't speaking. That's what
That's what you've determined. What if it evolves. What if
it becomes a situation where you don't hate your ex,
(12:10):
where like it's only positive, you don't think negative thoughts.
It's a person that you could call around the holidays,
and you're reframing it because it just opens things up
to be different. You could reframe how you think about
a parent that abused you, like it could be for yourself.
You could just hate them and have such a toxic
relationship to it. Or you could reframe it where you're
(12:31):
going to put it, put it in a different drawer,
reorganize it, talk to someone about it to let it breathe,
and it opens yourself up to so much more possibility
in different situations. I've had people that I've dated that
people around me want to know what it is because,
as my therapist said, certainty prevents anxiety, but it's kind
(12:53):
of a myth meaning it's like fool's gold. We want
to know what this is. I've spent this time with
this guy, I've seen met his family. I'm doing this.
We went a vacation, we did that, We did that.
Everybody around me is asking when don't we get engaged?
When is this happening? You want a definition, not only
for yourself but for other people, and it's trapping and
that definition will eliminate certain anxiety because it's giving you
(13:18):
an answer, but it could create other anxiety because you're
forcing an outcome before an outcome is possible. Like what
if you meet someone, you love them, you're attracted to them,
it's going great, but what if something comes up that
that might not work for you? You don't want to
just jam it, to jam certainty to try to alleviate anxiety.
(13:40):
Same thing even with a job, an opportunity, a friendship,
a sport, whatever it is, like you have to let
things breathe and reframe them and keep reframing them so
you open yourself up to possibility. It's really hard. When
I was younger, I never understood, just like dating, what
it would mean to like or just being with someone
in not knowing the outcome, and then we give ourselves
(14:02):
different things. Oh but I'm thirty seven. I can't be
dating someone right now unless I know I'm having a kid,
and then you're trapping yourself. I can't do this unless
i know that he's gonna convert because I'm Jewish. Like,
what if you're having an experience, being present, being in
the moment, being very Buddhist about it, and instead you're
trying to trap it, and then you eliminate the fun
you could have with this person for a chapter, maybe
(14:22):
you meet someone else through this person, you know. Being
my age, Oh, I'm this age and I can't I've
said this to myself sixty times, like in my life
at different stages. Oh well, at this age, I can't
waste time. It's times it's okay, like it's not to
be wasted where you're sitting on your couch smoking pot.
But if you're having an experience and you're happy and
you're being positive, and you're evolving as a person. Don't
(14:45):
try to crowd and trap what everything needs to be,
whether it's work or dating or anything. Don't give yourself
that kind of pressure. Reframe it. It could be even parenting.
You could be a perfect parent at a certain times,
so involved doing everything, sowing every costume go. Then you
could be a selfish parent. Your kid is fine, they're safe,
they're thriving at school, they're thriving. You're there for them
(15:06):
when they need you, But you want to fucking do
some shit for yourself. It's all okay. It's a reframing
and a rebalancing, and it will be very liberating. I
am literally happier than I've ever been in my life.
I would say I don't know why. I do know why.
I'm just living truthfully. I'm being present, I'm in the
moment and it's working. So I always want to pass
it on to you. Let's talk about how men grieve
(15:33):
a relationship versus how women grieve. I've seen this time
and time again. Okay, break up, serious relationship, gutting, devastating
decision has been made. Off to the races. You'll have relapses.
Both parties might have relapses. It's very hard to exit.
It's like exiting, you know. It's the worst possible thing.
It's like a divorce, it's a death. Great. Here's what happens.
(15:55):
Men desensitize, compartmentalize. They think they've got it. They've got big,
swinging dicks. They've been with the same person, presumably they
haven't been cheating for a while. They've been eating the
same fricking flavor every night. And they have guys around
them who are either married and living by carry so
they fucking dude, go get laid. Or guys who are
actually getting laid and need to justify it and want
(16:17):
to party and maybe the old guy at the club
or just out doing what they want, living the selfish lifestyle, okay,
Or they're married and they're cheaters and they need a
person to come be with them. Men go out. They
take that bait. They want to prove to themselves, to
their other guy friends and to their ex that they
can get laid. Any man can get laid anytime, anywhere.
Any person can get laid, and they want a flex,
(16:39):
and they often will want to go with someone younger,
someone younger, someone hot, or someone more stupid, someone that's
gonna listen to your bullshit, someone that seems so much
more interesting. And then they eat the same flavor. They
eat different versions of ice cream. One days it's vanilla sprinkles,
the next day it's chocolate, the next day it's the
next one. They go out and they're having fun. They're
fucking lit up. Maybe they're not used to drinking this much.
(17:01):
They get Sunday scaries, they get a little depressed, they
get the wings. They get back to work. They focus
on work. They're thriving, they're working out. Their abs are cut,
their biceps are bicepping. They're thrilled. Then they get sick
of the buffet. The buffet becomes tiring. They've seen it.
It looked so good when you walked up. You ever
go up to the buffet, looks so good when you
walk up. Twenty minutes later, you've got like the dressing
(17:22):
on top of fruit. They're on enough plates. You don't
know where to dispose of it. You want to start over.
You fucked up your whole plate. Doesn't matter whether you're
at Sizzler or the Mandarin Oriental two hundred dollars caviare
and sushi infested buffet. It's the same thing. You get
sick of it. You're like, get me out of here.
I don't want this fucking buffet. I'm disgusted. I just
want like simple scrambled eggs and a piece of rye toast. Okay.
(17:44):
That's when they start looking back at the X or
they just start feeling defeated. They don't know what to do.
They start fantasizing about their their past relationship. They've now
become a little depressed. It's sort of like the way
the guys got in wedding crashers, where like they did
it. It was so exciting. They were banging chicks. Then they
got sick of the weddings. It looked depressing. They were
moving towards funerals. It was really not a good look.
(18:06):
That's how men grieve. Then they want to go back.
They missed the X that they want the normal They
want the normalcy. That's when the husbands that were married
to the same boring wife that's doing pick up and
drop off in soccer and fricking gatorade and class snacks
and pta. They then want this person back because it's
a semblance of order. Men don't know how to do
(18:27):
anything for themselves. It's somebody who cares. It's somebody who's
there when you're sick, when you're snotting, when you're disgusting.
Who's giving you sympathy, when you're hungover, who's making you
the food, Who's taking care of it? Then men hit
their low. Women are the opposite. Women come out. They
hit their low right away. They smashed directly into a
brick wall. It's the ice cream, it's first. It's the
(18:49):
weight loss. It's the crying. It's the not eating. It's
the telling anyone who will listen. It's the drinking during
the day. It's the drama. It's the personality. You're break
up being your entire personality. It's hard to function. You're crying,
your eyes are swollen, it's hard to work. Everyone knows
about it. You have a circle of friends. You just
go in the round, rob and talk to anyone who
will listen. Maybe you do some therapy. You are going
in circles, okay, and then you slowly, like a bird
(19:12):
pecking out of the shell, just like slowly start pecking
your beak from the inside, like, Hi, are you there? God?
It's me Margaret wanting some daylight. You start moving towards
feeling a little better. You're going out. You're crying, but
you're out at dinner with other people. You're talking about it.
You're meeting someone one night, you might meet a handsome guy.
You might make the mistake of telling the handsome guy
about your ex because you're still a rookie. But you're
you're in the game. You start it. You decide it's
(19:35):
a good idea to start working out for rebellion for yourself. Now,
all of a sudden, you're a person that works out,
and your ex never saw you work out, just like
the guy that you were in the relationship but that
also broke up with you, that's now working out all
of a sudden, his corvette and his biceps, of his personality.
But now you start working out. You also decide you
want a different style. You might want a different hairstyle.
(19:55):
You're kind of a different person. You're more social, you
do things you wouldn't. You're the fun girl friend. You're fun,
and then you fucking become a peacock. You are done.
You are having the glow up of your whole fucking life.
So at the same time that this woman who is
eating the ice cream, begging, And it's actually better to
(20:16):
be the woman because the woman is like sort of
still a little desperate. In the beginning, you're still sort
of maybe even begging. You may want to get back together,
even though you know it's wrong. You're still fantasizing your relationship.
You're eating the ice cream. You're just kind of a
little bit of a loser. You know you're a loser.
You pray that one day you won't look at your phone,
you won't look at the text, you won't pray for it,
you won't wonder you know what's wrong with your phone,
(20:36):
you won't beg for him to call, you won't want
the revenge, all of it. And then one day the
skies open up and you won't and you are the
fucking full fledged peacock. And it's better because in the beginning,
when it's all like new and everybody's sort of a
little miserable, that's when you go into your main misery,
so you kind of get it out of the way.
It's not really on a delay, but the man. So
(20:57):
when that peacock really fucking put it's all its feathers
out in full bloom, that's when the man hits rock
bottom and the combination is lethal. That's when the man
comes in seeing the peacock, wanting the peacock back, and girl,
you are so fucking far away, you are showing your colors,
and that guy will take a lot longer. He will
now go hard. And if you ever want to see
(21:18):
this in true example, go look at I think it
was David Mammott play About last Night, the movie with
Rob Low and de Me Moore. It is the quintessential
breakup movie, way better than The Breakup. The Breakup did
that a little with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, but
Rob Low and to Me Moore and About last Night
(21:38):
crystallizes the whole entire thing. Crystallizes. She finally fucking got
her power back and it's over. He told me that
(22:03):
to do the bus
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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