September 12, 2024 • 22 mins
Matchmaker Barbie Adler is back to help decode your dating insecurities. PLUS: Avoid silent contracts and rushing to relationship status--before you know what you really want.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:12):
First of all, how are you.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
I'm good, it's good to see you.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
You too, So you're a dating coach in addition to
a matchmaker, and what happens is a lot of I've
spoken to a few of you, and the dating advice
is excellent. Like I've actually even spoken to my therapist
about some of the dating advice. And you know, for
my therapists to like what other people say that aren't
therapist is not that common. You know, often they'll be like,
be careful who you're listening to, but they really she
(00:36):
really does like agree with a lot, Like she agrees
with the whole catastrophizing on both sides. That men are
doing it too, And something we talked about today, people
want to get into a relationship really quickly, like once
they start to feel the anxiety and the fear of
the unknown. So you're dating and you're having fun, you
don't really like anyone, which is often easier than liking
(00:59):
someone because once you start to like someone, but you're
not fully safe, you're not fully committed. You're in the
weird area. You don't know if you're dating other people,
you don't know what's going on. You're in this no
man's land. I feel like that's when people get a
little shaky and rocky and can make mistakes, myself included.
And she says people rush to get into the relationship
(01:22):
so they can feel safe, versus actually slowing it down
and seeing how someone conducts themselves, meaning it could be textually,
it could be sexually, it could be with their kids,
with their schedule, Like it makes sense, like you lead
with the emotion. It's kind of to you what you've
said before about compatibility. You leave with the we leave
(01:43):
with the emotions. We're so excited. We can't believe we
found this. We can't believe we like this person. We
can't believe we're connecting like this, and like you just
want to be like we are so into each other
that we know that, and you want to like take
care of all the other stuff later. But she's saying
in life that like people have to figure out how
the other person, like watch and see and see how
someone is in the wild, like who they actually.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Are, right, And I completely agree.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
I think that everyone is in a hurry once you
decide that you do want to meet your person to
be a wee And there is something to be said
about realizing, oh, I was packed and selected. But like
we've talked about before, you have to be your own
agent and advocacy. If you're realizing, no, I'm doing the pecking,
it's not just because I was chosen. And then when
you do meet someone that you feel like it's mutual,
(02:28):
then it's more about Okay, slow down, enjoy through the season.
It's like there is no rush it. It's like the
song you can't hurry love. It's it's you have to
be content and confident with yourself and have in your
own relationship with yourself that you know you're worth, you
know what you bring to the table, and you don't
have to get all the answers right away. It's like
people want to go in and start drilling and interrogating,
(02:51):
but you're not gonna have all the answers. Like you said,
it has to be in the wild to make sure
that like it's day to day, it's you're not going
to know the answer.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
And I think what your therapist is saying is like
spot on.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Okay, so you just said something about being chosen. Now
this is interesting, So say, girl, I'm not going to
make a blanket statement. I am going to make a
blanket statement. It may not be true, but I'm going
to attempt to make a blanket statement to say, in
my opinion, based on society and in relationships, girls tend
to be more insecure than men. From what I've seen.
It's not across the board. I disagree. Okay, it's a myth.
It's what people think.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Okay, great, we think that we're more insecure and emotional,
but it's an equal opportunity okay for everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
That's amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
So if we let's slow that down on all women
that are listening, just like an expert is saying, and
my therapist said today that men are equally as insecure
as we are because we are in our heads. But
it's like the way that like women in society cry
more in a more forthright manner than men.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
They're crying inside.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
They may be insecure, and that's why they're banging other
girls or growing out or doing shots. Like we think
that means they're so secure and we're just so that's
I think we all just have to like receive that
we as insecure.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Insecure about if we like them, about their body naked,
about all up, breathing.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
There's just a sasagure do they measure up? Are they
good enough? How are we feeling?
Speaker 1 (04:12):
We don't think that. We don't none of us think that.
So that's why that really has to be absorbed.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
That's why it's really important to know that they are
their own stuff that they're unpappying and dealing with, and
their own wounds, their own triggers from the past that
they're making sure is this person going to make me
feel like a hero not a zero? And things that
happen to them that traumatize them.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
That is like if we just hang up now, like
that's the best thing ever. The like they are all right,
So they're as insecure as we are, but we are insecure.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Everybody is, I guess.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
So they chose me is an interesting thing because we
in our minds will try to market who we're dating
to somebody else. Oh, he's so nice to his parents,
he's successful, he's Catholic, he's Jewish, he's rich, he's smart,
he's got the perfect kids, or whatever, we perfect job,
and you're right, we get chosen and we we sort
(05:03):
of feel not worthy, and so we just feel that
if somebody that is in this great package wants us
we're looking at the package, but not as how we
align how we operate, because the new car smell is
going to go away. And then if we're not compatible
on our vacations, on our parenting, on our religion. Like
so that is a big thing that they chose me.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Thing. The other thing is that it could be that
it's whatever else wants for you, but now what you
want for you, or it's the dream of the hope,
what you hoped this person is. And so sometimes we
write our own stories. It's almost like sometimes we're comunitative
to ourselves, right or you're negative talking and nothing happen,
but you catastropize in your mind you're making up stories.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
But it could also work again.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
See like hope, it's a powerful emotion when you want
to accomplish something like I hope to get my master's,
I hope to run the marathon.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
But when you are putting a man.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
On a pedestal and fantasize that you're hoping that he's
going to be this person he's not and then lying
to yourself about reality, that's an unhealthy relationship dynamic. So
the biggest thing is it has to be rooted in reality.
I always say, be rooted in reality, don't be in
fantasyland about this man that's coming into your world and
(06:18):
all the things that he's going to rescue you.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
I truly believe.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
You have to love yourself first and have a good
relationship with yourself. That way, you feel more confident in
the relationship with someone else. And if they don't see
you're worth than it's his loss that he didn't is
with you. But I think a lot of people fantasize
what they want, and then because everything's so good in
the beginning, they just.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Start sweeping all the issues under the robin.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Stuff being like utter an interval writing a relationship, and
everyone already met him and he's already in my life,
so then your fe time goes on right.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
And I think that you know how when you you
have like ant in your back and it goes away
after massage and then it comes back on the same spot.
I feel like we get excited and we quickly to
see our own patterns and triggers and habits from previous
you know, like like scar tissue, And for me it means, okay,
this is a gift, this is an opportunity for me
(07:10):
to talk to my therapist about like the same issues
because I'm coming in. This is a car that's coming in.
I described myself to somebody as a rescue dog compared
to a breeder dog. I am like, this person doesn't
have to deal with that. But I'm just trying to
explain it's good for someone for you to look at
someone in the wild and see what they're coming in
with and then vice versa. Because I was like, I
(07:33):
I've been to it's like a dog who's been to
multiple shelters and who's been abused. Like that's how I'm
coming in. So I'm coming in different than someone was
like from one home, parents married fifty years, Like it's
going to be different.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
But it's all how you present yourself.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Because I want to be careful that people like viewing
or listening to this don't think that they should just
be on a date like I'm because I feel like
everyone's perfections and blemishes make them like beautiful. So it's
not about being perfect, Like you don't have to come
from you know, perfect family and everything.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
That myth is totally shattered. But make sure you're.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Leading your securities not just dumping noway not in the
beginning but but if once you're in something.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
When you're sharing, yes, yeah, you share if you're if
you have well, no you could have.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I described myself as a squirrel because I'm like, am
a therapist. I thought that was a stute today because
she knows me, and I mean, like, you're gonna be
dating me and you're gonna think like, I'm so sweet
and cute because I'm gonna come over and like eat
out of your hand, and then all of a sudden
the next day, I could run up the tree and
you're gonna be like, wait, why, So I have to
inform why, because otherwise someone's gonna just.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Know it's so good.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
It's also good to put in context though, because to
share that you're emotionally available and sound.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
But everyone has wounds and everyone.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Has a past, but it's how you deal with it
and the coping skills with that. And I do think
exploring your own wounds and triggers is good and also
learning the person you're dating's triggers, whoever your partner is,
because then you're more sensitive to it and not stepping
on it. Because I truly believe in a relationship it's
all about understanding everyone's wants and needs and then not
(09:09):
poking at them and making fun of them, Like if
you're sharing something important, it's how are you honored?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Supported? Feeling heard and understood.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yes, what I'm saying about what I'm saying, you can
make the other person feel like I like you, I'm here,
I'm present, letting you know that if you see something,
it's like walking into a house, like this is the
house I'm showing you. It's got a great view, it's
got this, but just letting you know this bathtub.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Needs a little work one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
One of the things I've been thinking about is the
way that things land. I think that and again, I
don't know how men do it, because I'm not a man.
But there's a fine line between being confident and vulnerable
and needy. Meaning this has happened to me several times,
and I this is something I've always been able to land,
Meaning if something doesn't make me feel good, but it
(10:09):
might be a style, it might be the way the
other person's on the phone or text or in person
or whatever. I'm capable of being vulnerable and explaining that
something is making me feel insecure while letting the other
person know that even though I like them, I would
be willing to walk if I can't. I if this
is an if this is a need in my life,
(10:31):
does that make any sense? Like if someone's going to
make me feel unsafe, I could be in love with them,
but I'll walk.
Speaker 3 (10:36):
It's so good that you're able to not only identify
it but also express it. Like that's advanced. That's amazing
that you can do that. Not everyone has to do that,
So why I think everyone's explore what they truly or
need and how they can work on themselves before entering
your relationship. Then in a relationship, being able to articulate
that and that could be a bonding experience.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Let's say there's a girl and the guy always booty calls,
but maybe he really likes her. Let's say the guy's
disorganized and never picks a restaurant but like, and he
calls her last minute, but they're having a great time
when they're present, but like, she feels like she doesn't
have the rope or something, you know, Like this happens
a lot of college girls. Young girl, Yeah, but she's
trying to get the ball back. My thing is I
think girls get either like drunk and needy and it
(11:18):
turns guys off, or they'll play games which could turn
a guy off, or like just shut down. There's a
way to do all of the same things at the
same time. There's a way to be needy and secure
and like, I need this thing, And as much as
I think you're amazing, if I don't like, if I
don't get this thing, I won't be able to participate
(11:39):
in this absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
And I also think we all have to remember no
one is a mind reader, and no one.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Comes with owner manual.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
So you in your head might have this whole conversation
and be punitive to yourself or the person you're dating,
and then be like, that's it.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I'm kicking off my eyelands.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
He you know, well, wait a minute, you just need
this whole fight with yourself. He doesn't even know. You
haven't even express nicated what you need, and now it's
in the doghouse, and now you're gonna give him attitude
and you're gonna blow the whole thing up bus being like, Okay,
every time I'm with him, it's amazing. It's just the
in between is the lulls, and that's what this breaks
me out. Makes the feeling secure, so then the next
time you're together, you build on the strength of the
(12:17):
connection in person and be like, Hey, just so you know,
I need a little bit organication. I just feel like
I'm being you know, second fiddle or whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
It's expressing. You have to land.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
It's not easy to land, right, it's not easy to land.
Even the sentence you just said. It has to be Also,
you got to be able to like you can you
can't be bluffing, but you also can't be bluffing.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
You can't bluff, but you also have to.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
You could say it in a warm way like again,
don't say it where you're punishing someone and they're already
in trouble.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
And they think you're or Dexactly. It's playful.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
It's all in how you present something, and you have
to be in a good place in space to say
it as well. But it's all in the presentation.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Right. If you're drunk because you're feeling needy, you're gonna
be a disaster and then go deeper in the hole.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
And then yeah, it feels like you have to Like
I believe it has been like a love forward connection
like don't at the end of the day, there's love
based reactions and fear based lead with love. I know
it sounds hokey, but you want someone's going to be
looking at you being like is this person just an
angry person?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Or are they you know is it? Are they communicating?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
And good communication skills like when you're telling someone your
truths and about your anything that's happened to you, that
could be like a build like a bonding connection, like hey,
I need this from you, but I like you, but
just I'm just communicating. They might be like, wow, never,
no one's ever done that before because people don't learn
how the communication skills, like in college.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
High school, you don't learn these skills.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
Unfortunately, you have to listen to your podcast to learn
how to communicate with somebody else.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
I also think wants and needs is a great thing
in life. So then you can like give someone the
menu because you can't pick every battle and you can't
want everything. You can't want the apartment with the good view,
with the big bath, with the fireplace at school. Yeah,
it's like what do you want? Like, there are things
that I want, but there are things that are like
full on. And another thing that I think is interesting
is asking a person like what their thing is I
(14:12):
did this with an X of mine. I remember like
me saying I need to feel safe. Some other people
need a lot of sex, need a lot of like affirmation,
need a lot of need to be left alone. Whatever
the thing is like.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
And it's such a fun thing to even talk about
before you get serious, because they might be more honest
when they don't feel as vulnerable that there's something to lose.
Like it's just a fun comment. You could make it
a fun What is your conversation?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
What is yours?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Mine? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Mine is safe. Oh, one hundred percent safe. I'm very
much into like feeling safe. What's your big thing though,
that's your biggest thing too, I would say a safe
I mean I always call my husband P and P
provide a protector. I'm like, I like someone that cares
about that. I feel like is in my corner. Like
I love that my husband shows up like he never
(14:59):
played one game with me, and he's just like my rock,
Like I know I could always count on him and
to me, some independable and that is uh not a player.
That's like no drama with him and he's just like
straight up like my guy.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Okay, yeah, I want to talk about the silent contract. Basically,
I think that in catastrophizing, in being in our own
(15:37):
heads that I only know, women have these things in
their minds that they think that the other person is
supposed to be doing and the other person didn't sign
this is a silent contract. They didn't sign this contract.
Like you could say, oh, well, I stayed over his
house and we slept together, but he should have made
me breakfast like he did. He didn't, he didn't know
(15:58):
he signed that contract, or he didn't call me for
four hours, or he didn't we didn't make plans with
me by the next tuesday. Like I think that we
really do make arbitrary things up and you have girls
validating you because that's what all the girls do, and
it can be a risky place because these things don't
have to all have the same meaning to everyone. Like
someone could not call you for two days and really
(16:21):
like you. Maybe they're insecure, maybe they're gonna call you
the next week like we can't. Maybe they're somebody died,
like we don't know, and we have these things in
our minds where we think they signed this contract with
all these terms, and if they break one of the terms,
then we're out.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Nothing is more frustrating to me than women.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
They're well intended giving other women advice, but it's the
wrong advice and you feel love and support by your
girlfriends or we're lucky as women to have that.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Men don't have that out as much as women do.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
It's dangerous, and then it is so dangerous because they're
gonna get tasturbized. They're gonna make something out of nothing,
and now you're the manufacturing business of drama, and then
you're gonna self sabotage your relationship.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
So the best thing to do is to remember the
silent contract that they didn't sign and make sure that
it's root.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
In reality and not start on you know, like again
you're like being flappable and believing everything the last Jordan said,
And I think there's pressure from other women.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Like did you put them out on that? Did you
do that? And it's like, no, that's not the right approach.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
And I always feel like the less you tell other
girlfriends about a relationship at the beginning, the better, so
you don't feel like you're on a peach edition. Everyone's
judging and if they don't call, then you feel bad
about yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Or if something's not right, so.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
You made a big deal out of it and then
ease leave it. You're alone at the Christmas party.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Yeah, and then it's just you feel worse about yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Like I think just to say, of course you want
some of that outlet to share things with, but as
long as in return, maybe you say to your friend,
I won't want to tell you to tell me what
to do. I just want you to listen, like I
think it's just or make sure that you can listen,
but not take their advice because they might.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Love you, but there could be ill motives with girlfriends.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
They give me jealous They can be a different pasi
and have being dated for decades and are giving you
the wrong advice.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And then it is extremely dangerous. And again nobody's a
mind reader.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
This other person doesn't even know what they did wrong
because you didn't share that after sex, I like, you know,
to be called that day or the next day, or
there's so much miscommunication. It's it's same with like you
go on date with the guy, and then the women's
expecting the guy to reach out, but the guys like
I just orchestrate this amazing date. I think it's great
(18:36):
when a girl sends a text thing like thank you
something that night like thank you so much, a wonderful night.
It's such a breath of fresh air to a man.
But then the next day it's the guys turn to
then ask somebody out. I feel like you have to
do something where you're good communicators, not just playing games
right from the jump start.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Also, I think to hear someone when they tell you something,
like if someone shows you who they are, believe them.
If someone says I'm in board meetings all day or
I'm at the office and I don't look up and
they're not calling you, they've told you that about them.
You know that you're a dog, they're a cat. Like
you don't need them to be a dog. That's where
the hope like comes in.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Where you're you're trying to be in fancy land and
making you you're trying to construct the perfect person for you,
but you have to accept them for.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Like focus on the positives, all the things they do right.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
And then like you said, like someone's working in the
markets open, they're not going to be on their phone
because there may be not the type of career where
they're able to text in real time. And and by
the way, men notoriously don't like to do that. That's
not their strong suit. They're better in person than text
and emails. So if you're looking for someone to be
as amazing as a text as your best friend, you're
gonna be sorely disappointed.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
And also it becomes a turnoff. You know, it can
be too much where you're doing it as like a
habit because it's just the person you're texting back and forth.
It's like junk food. You're not really getting satisfied. You know,
there's no quality in it that I feel like. The
biggest thing you could do is get out of your.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Head stayed rooted in reality and literally the contract with
yourself is so important to monitor yourself anytime you want
to start having a scenario in your mind and making
up stories and scenarios that didn't happen to realize, Okay,
let's unpack it.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Why do I feel this way?
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Maybe it's hitting a trigger or wounds that you haven't discovered,
and like Buffany, you're so good to be able to
articulate it, but maybe someone wasn't even understood that. So
when they feel that way, and they should silence your
life and be like, okay, what Why am I feeling this?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
What?
Speaker 3 (20:30):
What is this guy doing that's making me feel this way?
Is it I was abandoned when I was younger?
Speaker 2 (20:34):
What is it?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Did my exploit friends treating me like this way that's
made me feel this way and realize that this new
person is not in your past. So if you're casting
this negative energy on you're a new person, that's not
fair because that's not that person.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think that it's a basic thing in life that
we don't do, is if you're into someone, how about
accepting them for who they are, like if they have
intention to modify and always be a better person for themselves.
Like I've had many people come on my podcast that
are very successful in business and they're very successful in
relationship Proteking twenty five, thirty forty, you know, relationships, thirty
(21:10):
year relationships, and a resounding thing was like they don't
fix the other person, they fix themselves. So it's like
if you meet someone and you really have great chemistry,
it's working out, Like they're not going to be a
perfect robot. They like accept it because you want to
be accepted pretty much for who you are to be, Like,
this is kind of what this thing is I'm working
on myself and I'm doing my own therapy, but like
(21:32):
this is kind of what I'm advertising.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Yeah, I also.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Think it's I mean, I've been married together for eighteen years,
but I think it's beautiful when you grow together because
I'm not the same person I was eighteen years ago,
but it's fun to evolve and grow together as well.
So you have to realize that you're not going to
be the same person in five or ten years, and
to put that kind of pressure on what you think
(21:55):
life is going to be like isn't fair either. And
so I think the biggest thing is, to your point,
like accepting who they are, not trying to change everything,
but changing more and working on yourself. And I think
if you both are working on yourselves and showing each
other love, that's the magic happens because you have something
that's super special, and a dime a dozen is just
pretty or just smart. But if you have everything together
(22:18):
where you're a unit and you're working on things together
as well, once you get to that stage, that's like,
that's goals. That's a beautiful couplehood.
First of all, how are you.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
I'm good, it's good to see you.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
You too, So you're a dating coach in addition to
a matchmaker, and what happens is a lot of I've
spoken to a few of you, and the dating advice
is excellent. Like I've actually even spoken to my therapist
about some of the dating advice. And you know, for
my therapists to like what other people say that aren't
therapist is not that common. You know, often they'll be like,
be careful who you're listening to, but they really she
(00:36):
really does like agree with a lot, Like she agrees
with the whole catastrophizing on both sides. That men are
doing it too, And something we talked about today, people
want to get into a relationship really quickly, like once
they start to feel the anxiety and the fear of
the unknown. So you're dating and you're having fun, you
don't really like anyone, which is often easier than liking
(00:59):
someone because once you start to like someone, but you're
not fully safe, you're not fully committed. You're in the
weird area. You don't know if you're dating other people,
you don't know what's going on. You're in this no
man's land. I feel like that's when people get a
little shaky and rocky and can make mistakes, myself included.
And she says people rush to get into the relationship
(01:22):
so they can feel safe, versus actually slowing it down
and seeing how someone conducts themselves, meaning it could be textually,
it could be sexually, it could be with their kids,
with their schedule, Like it makes sense, like you lead
with the emotion. It's kind of to you what you've
said before about compatibility. You leave with the we leave
(01:43):
with the emotions. We're so excited. We can't believe we
found this. We can't believe we like this person. We
can't believe we're connecting like this, and like you just
want to be like we are so into each other
that we know that, and you want to like take
care of all the other stuff later. But she's saying
in life that like people have to figure out how
the other person, like watch and see and see how
someone is in the wild, like who they actually.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Are, right, And I completely agree.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
I think that everyone is in a hurry once you
decide that you do want to meet your person to
be a wee And there is something to be said
about realizing, oh, I was packed and selected. But like
we've talked about before, you have to be your own
agent and advocacy. If you're realizing, no, I'm doing the pecking,
it's not just because I was chosen. And then when
you do meet someone that you feel like it's mutual,
(02:28):
then it's more about Okay, slow down, enjoy through the season.
It's like there is no rush it. It's like the
song you can't hurry love. It's it's you have to
be content and confident with yourself and have in your
own relationship with yourself that you know you're worth, you
know what you bring to the table, and you don't
have to get all the answers right away. It's like
people want to go in and start drilling and interrogating,
(02:51):
but you're not gonna have all the answers. Like you said,
it has to be in the wild to make sure
that like it's day to day, it's you're not going
to know the answer.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
And I think what your therapist is saying is like
spot on.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Okay, so you just said something about being chosen. Now
this is interesting, So say, girl, I'm not going to
make a blanket statement. I am going to make a
blanket statement. It may not be true, but I'm going
to attempt to make a blanket statement to say, in
my opinion, based on society and in relationships, girls tend
to be more insecure than men. From what I've seen.
It's not across the board. I disagree. Okay, it's a myth.
It's what people think.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Okay, great, we think that we're more insecure and emotional,
but it's an equal opportunity okay for everyone.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
That's amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
So if we let's slow that down on all women
that are listening, just like an expert is saying, and
my therapist said today that men are equally as insecure
as we are because we are in our heads. But
it's like the way that like women in society cry
more in a more forthright manner than men.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
They're crying inside.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
They may be insecure, and that's why they're banging other
girls or growing out or doing shots. Like we think
that means they're so secure and we're just so that's
I think we all just have to like receive that
we as insecure.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Insecure about if we like them, about their body naked,
about all up, breathing.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
There's just a sasagure do they measure up? Are they
good enough? How are we feeling?
Speaker 1 (04:12):
We don't think that. We don't none of us think that.
So that's why that really has to be absorbed.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
That's why it's really important to know that they are
their own stuff that they're unpappying and dealing with, and
their own wounds, their own triggers from the past that
they're making sure is this person going to make me
feel like a hero not a zero? And things that
happen to them that traumatize them.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
That is like if we just hang up now, like
that's the best thing ever. The like they are all right,
So they're as insecure as we are, but we are insecure.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Everybody is, I guess.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
So they chose me is an interesting thing because we
in our minds will try to market who we're dating
to somebody else. Oh, he's so nice to his parents,
he's successful, he's Catholic, he's Jewish, he's rich, he's smart,
he's got the perfect kids, or whatever, we perfect job,
and you're right, we get chosen and we we sort
(05:03):
of feel not worthy, and so we just feel that
if somebody that is in this great package wants us
we're looking at the package, but not as how we
align how we operate, because the new car smell is
going to go away. And then if we're not compatible
on our vacations, on our parenting, on our religion. Like
so that is a big thing that they chose me.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Thing. The other thing is that it could be that
it's whatever else wants for you, but now what you
want for you, or it's the dream of the hope,
what you hoped this person is. And so sometimes we
write our own stories. It's almost like sometimes we're comunitative
to ourselves, right or you're negative talking and nothing happen,
but you catastropize in your mind you're making up stories.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
But it could also work again.
Speaker 3 (05:47):
See like hope, it's a powerful emotion when you want
to accomplish something like I hope to get my master's,
I hope to run the marathon.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
But when you are putting a man.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
On a pedestal and fantasize that you're hoping that he's
going to be this person he's not and then lying
to yourself about reality, that's an unhealthy relationship dynamic. So
the biggest thing is it has to be rooted in reality.
I always say, be rooted in reality, don't be in
fantasyland about this man that's coming into your world and
(06:18):
all the things that he's going to rescue you.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
I truly believe.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
You have to love yourself first and have a good
relationship with yourself. That way, you feel more confident in
the relationship with someone else. And if they don't see
you're worth than it's his loss that he didn't is
with you. But I think a lot of people fantasize
what they want, and then because everything's so good in
the beginning, they just.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Start sweeping all the issues under the robin.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Stuff being like utter an interval writing a relationship, and
everyone already met him and he's already in my life,
so then your fe time goes on right.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
And I think that you know how when you you
have like ant in your back and it goes away
after massage and then it comes back on the same spot.
I feel like we get excited and we quickly to
see our own patterns and triggers and habits from previous
you know, like like scar tissue, And for me it means, okay,
this is a gift, this is an opportunity for me
(07:10):
to talk to my therapist about like the same issues
because I'm coming in. This is a car that's coming in.
I described myself to somebody as a rescue dog compared
to a breeder dog. I am like, this person doesn't
have to deal with that. But I'm just trying to
explain it's good for someone for you to look at
someone in the wild and see what they're coming in
with and then vice versa. Because I was like, I
(07:33):
I've been to it's like a dog who's been to
multiple shelters and who's been abused. Like that's how I'm
coming in. So I'm coming in different than someone was
like from one home, parents married fifty years, Like it's
going to be different.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
But it's all how you present yourself.
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Because I want to be careful that people like viewing
or listening to this don't think that they should just
be on a date like I'm because I feel like
everyone's perfections and blemishes make them like beautiful. So it's
not about being perfect, Like you don't have to come
from you know, perfect family and everything.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
That myth is totally shattered. But make sure you're.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Leading your securities not just dumping noway not in the
beginning but but if once you're in something.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
When you're sharing, yes, yeah, you share if you're if
you have well, no you could have.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I described myself as a squirrel because I'm like, am
a therapist. I thought that was a stute today because
she knows me, and I mean, like, you're gonna be
dating me and you're gonna think like, I'm so sweet
and cute because I'm gonna come over and like eat
out of your hand, and then all of a sudden
the next day, I could run up the tree and
you're gonna be like, wait, why, So I have to
inform why, because otherwise someone's gonna just.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Know it's so good.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
It's also good to put in context though, because to
share that you're emotionally available and sound.
Speaker 2 (08:44):
But everyone has wounds and everyone.
Speaker 3 (08:46):
Has a past, but it's how you deal with it
and the coping skills with that. And I do think
exploring your own wounds and triggers is good and also
learning the person you're dating's triggers, whoever your partner is,
because then you're more sensitive to it and not stepping
on it. Because I truly believe in a relationship it's
all about understanding everyone's wants and needs and then not
(09:09):
poking at them and making fun of them, Like if
you're sharing something important, it's how are you honored?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Supported? Feeling heard and understood.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Yes, what I'm saying about what I'm saying, you can
make the other person feel like I like you, I'm here,
I'm present, letting you know that if you see something,
it's like walking into a house, like this is the
house I'm showing you. It's got a great view, it's
got this, but just letting you know this bathtub.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Needs a little work one hundred percent.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
One of the things I've been thinking about is the
way that things land. I think that and again, I
don't know how men do it, because I'm not a man.
But there's a fine line between being confident and vulnerable
and needy. Meaning this has happened to me several times,
and I this is something I've always been able to land,
Meaning if something doesn't make me feel good, but it
(10:09):
might be a style, it might be the way the
other person's on the phone or text or in person
or whatever. I'm capable of being vulnerable and explaining that
something is making me feel insecure while letting the other
person know that even though I like them, I would
be willing to walk if I can't. I if this
is an if this is a need in my life,
(10:31):
does that make any sense? Like if someone's going to
make me feel unsafe, I could be in love with them,
but I'll walk.
Speaker 3 (10:36):
It's so good that you're able to not only identify
it but also express it. Like that's advanced. That's amazing
that you can do that. Not everyone has to do that,
So why I think everyone's explore what they truly or
need and how they can work on themselves before entering
your relationship. Then in a relationship, being able to articulate
that and that could be a bonding experience.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Let's say there's a girl and the guy always booty calls,
but maybe he really likes her. Let's say the guy's
disorganized and never picks a restaurant but like, and he
calls her last minute, but they're having a great time
when they're present, but like, she feels like she doesn't
have the rope or something, you know, Like this happens
a lot of college girls. Young girl, Yeah, but she's
trying to get the ball back. My thing is I
think girls get either like drunk and needy and it
(11:18):
turns guys off, or they'll play games which could turn
a guy off, or like just shut down. There's a
way to do all of the same things at the
same time. There's a way to be needy and secure
and like, I need this thing, And as much as
I think you're amazing, if I don't like, if I
don't get this thing, I won't be able to participate
(11:39):
in this absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
And I also think we all have to remember no
one is a mind reader, and no one.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Comes with owner manual.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
So you in your head might have this whole conversation
and be punitive to yourself or the person you're dating,
and then be like, that's it.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I'm kicking off my eyelands.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
He you know, well, wait a minute, you just need
this whole fight with yourself. He doesn't even know. You
haven't even express nicated what you need, and now it's
in the doghouse, and now you're gonna give him attitude
and you're gonna blow the whole thing up bus being like, Okay,
every time I'm with him, it's amazing. It's just the
in between is the lulls, and that's what this breaks
me out. Makes the feeling secure, so then the next
time you're together, you build on the strength of the
(12:17):
connection in person and be like, Hey, just so you know,
I need a little bit organication. I just feel like
I'm being you know, second fiddle or whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
It's expressing. You have to land.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
It's not easy to land, right, it's not easy to land.
Even the sentence you just said. It has to be Also,
you got to be able to like you can you
can't be bluffing, but you also can't be bluffing.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
You can't bluff, but you also have to.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
You could say it in a warm way like again,
don't say it where you're punishing someone and they're already
in trouble.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
And they think you're or Dexactly. It's playful.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
It's all in how you present something, and you have
to be in a good place in space to say
it as well. But it's all in the presentation.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Right. If you're drunk because you're feeling needy, you're gonna
be a disaster and then go deeper in the hole.
Speaker 3 (13:04):
And then yeah, it feels like you have to Like
I believe it has been like a love forward connection
like don't at the end of the day, there's love
based reactions and fear based lead with love. I know
it sounds hokey, but you want someone's going to be
looking at you being like is this person just an
angry person?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Or are they you know is it? Are they communicating?
Speaker 3 (13:24):
And good communication skills like when you're telling someone your
truths and about your anything that's happened to you, that
could be like a build like a bonding connection, like hey,
I need this from you, but I like you, but
just I'm just communicating. They might be like, wow, never,
no one's ever done that before because people don't learn
how the communication skills, like in college.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
High school, you don't learn these skills.
Speaker 3 (13:45):
Unfortunately, you have to listen to your podcast to learn
how to communicate with somebody else.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
I also think wants and needs is a great thing
in life. So then you can like give someone the
menu because you can't pick every battle and you can't
want everything. You can't want the apartment with the good view,
with the big bath, with the fireplace at school. Yeah,
it's like what do you want? Like, there are things
that I want, but there are things that are like
full on. And another thing that I think is interesting
is asking a person like what their thing is I
(14:12):
did this with an X of mine. I remember like
me saying I need to feel safe. Some other people
need a lot of sex, need a lot of like affirmation,
need a lot of need to be left alone. Whatever
the thing is like.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
And it's such a fun thing to even talk about
before you get serious, because they might be more honest
when they don't feel as vulnerable that there's something to lose.
Like it's just a fun comment. You could make it
a fun What is your conversation?
Speaker 2 (14:37):
What is yours?
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Mine? Yeah?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Mine is safe. Oh, one hundred percent safe. I'm very
much into like feeling safe. What's your big thing though,
that's your biggest thing too, I would say a safe
I mean I always call my husband P and P
provide a protector. I'm like, I like someone that cares
about that. I feel like is in my corner. Like
I love that my husband shows up like he never
(14:59):
played one game with me, and he's just like my rock,
Like I know I could always count on him and
to me, some independable and that is uh not a player.
That's like no drama with him and he's just like
straight up like my guy.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Okay, yeah, I want to talk about the silent contract. Basically,
I think that in catastrophizing, in being in our own
(15:37):
heads that I only know, women have these things in
their minds that they think that the other person is
supposed to be doing and the other person didn't sign
this is a silent contract. They didn't sign this contract.
Like you could say, oh, well, I stayed over his
house and we slept together, but he should have made
me breakfast like he did. He didn't, he didn't know
(15:58):
he signed that contract, or he didn't call me for
four hours, or he didn't we didn't make plans with
me by the next tuesday. Like I think that we
really do make arbitrary things up and you have girls
validating you because that's what all the girls do, and
it can be a risky place because these things don't
have to all have the same meaning to everyone. Like
someone could not call you for two days and really
(16:21):
like you. Maybe they're insecure, maybe they're gonna call you
the next week like we can't. Maybe they're somebody died,
like we don't know, and we have these things in
our minds where we think they signed this contract with
all these terms, and if they break one of the terms,
then we're out.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Nothing is more frustrating to me than women.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
They're well intended giving other women advice, but it's the
wrong advice and you feel love and support by your
girlfriends or we're lucky as women to have that.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
Men don't have that out as much as women do.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
It's dangerous, and then it is so dangerous because they're
gonna get tasturbized. They're gonna make something out of nothing,
and now you're the manufacturing business of drama, and then
you're gonna self sabotage your relationship.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
So the best thing to do is to remember the
silent contract that they didn't sign and make sure that
it's root.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
In reality and not start on you know, like again
you're like being flappable and believing everything the last Jordan said,
And I think there's pressure from other women.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Like did you put them out on that? Did you
do that? And it's like, no, that's not the right approach.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
And I always feel like the less you tell other
girlfriends about a relationship at the beginning, the better, so
you don't feel like you're on a peach edition. Everyone's
judging and if they don't call, then you feel bad
about yourself.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Or if something's not right, so.
Speaker 1 (17:40):
You made a big deal out of it and then
ease leave it. You're alone at the Christmas party.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Yeah, and then it's just you feel worse about yourself.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Like I think just to say, of course you want
some of that outlet to share things with, but as
long as in return, maybe you say to your friend,
I won't want to tell you to tell me what
to do. I just want you to listen, like I
think it's just or make sure that you can listen,
but not take their advice because they might.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
Love you, but there could be ill motives with girlfriends.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
They give me jealous They can be a different pasi
and have being dated for decades and are giving you
the wrong advice.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And then it is extremely dangerous. And again nobody's a
mind reader.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
This other person doesn't even know what they did wrong
because you didn't share that after sex, I like, you know,
to be called that day or the next day, or
there's so much miscommunication. It's it's same with like you
go on date with the guy, and then the women's
expecting the guy to reach out, but the guys like
I just orchestrate this amazing date. I think it's great
(18:36):
when a girl sends a text thing like thank you
something that night like thank you so much, a wonderful night.
It's such a breath of fresh air to a man.
But then the next day it's the guys turn to
then ask somebody out. I feel like you have to
do something where you're good communicators, not just playing games
right from the jump start.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Also, I think to hear someone when they tell you something,
like if someone shows you who they are, believe them.
If someone says I'm in board meetings all day or
I'm at the office and I don't look up and
they're not calling you, they've told you that about them.
You know that you're a dog, they're a cat. Like
you don't need them to be a dog. That's where
the hope like comes in.
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Where you're you're trying to be in fancy land and
making you you're trying to construct the perfect person for you,
but you have to accept them for.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Like focus on the positives, all the things they do right.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
And then like you said, like someone's working in the
markets open, they're not going to be on their phone
because there may be not the type of career where
they're able to text in real time. And and by
the way, men notoriously don't like to do that. That's
not their strong suit. They're better in person than text
and emails. So if you're looking for someone to be
as amazing as a text as your best friend, you're
gonna be sorely disappointed.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
And also it becomes a turnoff. You know, it can
be too much where you're doing it as like a
habit because it's just the person you're texting back and forth.
It's like junk food. You're not really getting satisfied. You know,
there's no quality in it that I feel like. The
biggest thing you could do is get out of your.
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Head stayed rooted in reality and literally the contract with
yourself is so important to monitor yourself anytime you want
to start having a scenario in your mind and making
up stories and scenarios that didn't happen to realize, Okay,
let's unpack it.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Why do I feel this way?
Speaker 3 (20:16):
Maybe it's hitting a trigger or wounds that you haven't discovered,
and like Buffany, you're so good to be able to
articulate it, but maybe someone wasn't even understood that. So
when they feel that way, and they should silence your
life and be like, okay, what Why am I feeling this?
Speaker 2 (20:29):
What?
Speaker 3 (20:30):
What is this guy doing that's making me feel this way?
Is it I was abandoned when I was younger?
Speaker 2 (20:34):
What is it?
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Did my exploit friends treating me like this way that's
made me feel this way and realize that this new
person is not in your past. So if you're casting
this negative energy on you're a new person, that's not
fair because that's not that person.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think that it's a basic thing in life that
we don't do, is if you're into someone, how about
accepting them for who they are, like if they have
intention to modify and always be a better person for themselves.
Like I've had many people come on my podcast that
are very successful in business and they're very successful in
relationship Proteking twenty five, thirty forty, you know, relationships, thirty
(21:10):
year relationships, and a resounding thing was like they don't
fix the other person, they fix themselves. So it's like
if you meet someone and you really have great chemistry,
it's working out, Like they're not going to be a
perfect robot. They like accept it because you want to
be accepted pretty much for who you are to be, Like,
this is kind of what this thing is I'm working
on myself and I'm doing my own therapy, but like
(21:32):
this is kind of what I'm advertising.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Yeah, I also.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Think it's I mean, I've been married together for eighteen years,
but I think it's beautiful when you grow together because
I'm not the same person I was eighteen years ago,
but it's fun to evolve and grow together as well.
So you have to realize that you're not going to
be the same person in five or ten years, and
to put that kind of pressure on what you think
(21:55):
life is going to be like isn't fair either. And
so I think the biggest thing is, to your point,
like accepting who they are, not trying to change everything,
but changing more and working on yourself. And I think
if you both are working on yourselves and showing each
other love, that's the magic happens because you have something
that's super special, and a dime a dozen is just
pretty or just smart. But if you have everything together
(22:18):
where you're a unit and you're working on things together
as well, once you get to that stage, that's like,
that's goals. That's a beautiful couplehood.
Host
Bethenny Frankel
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