Just B Rant: Fit Check for My Colonoscopy?

Podcasting from bed because... you know, colonoscopy. Let's talk.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:12):
All right, So I'm laying in bed now. I'm doing
my first podcast in bed because I had a colon
oscoby today and I don't know why I make everything
into something that's funny, because because what else are we
supposed to do? So last night no one talks about
colon osciby's. I've decided that I'm the person that should

(00:35):
be my name should be starting with a sea, which
all which we all know what we could name me.
But because caviar, chanel, chicken, salad, candy, my assistant me
had just pointed out that I'm the queen of the season.
Now colonoscoby is another sea. Because I don't know why
I felt that it was a good idea to post
a fit check for my colonoscopy, but it ended up
being a good way to say to people, you know what,

(00:56):
colon health is important. We get mammograms like your colon
is very import and it's literally where falla well my
phone keeps I'm a disaster in case anyone on this
listening to this podcast, so we might keep the shit
in as you know, what a shit show I am.
But it's important to think about your colon health. And

(01:19):
they tell you how often you have to get them.
There's a schedule. I'd gotten them in my thirties because
I have had chronic constipation my whole life, and in
my thirties they told me I had a long and
tortuous colon after a colonoscyby, like it's like a rollercoaster,
and that's why I had digestion issues. Now I take

(01:41):
these gummies, these grooons gummies that I have that are
in a little packet that the brand sent them to
me to try. And I first thought, it's just gummies
in a packet and they dose differently, meaning so you
have to take eight and I've been taking them and
I first thought, great, I'm taking my vitamins. But then
I was like thinking my digestion was like I was

(02:01):
attributing it to something else. And then I realized, it's
these gummies. And that's not even their main like claim,
like they don't talk about that. It's on the back,
but it's like that's a headline for me. So anyway,
and that got verified because today when I got my colonoscopy,
I'll tell you what they said. But so, all right,
so the prep is something that most people don't talk about.
If you know. If you've had it done, you know,
but if you haven't had it done, you don't. I

(02:23):
just learned in the comments that you could take pills
to do this. But basically the day before the colonoscopy,
you can only drink clear liquids. And that means like
you could do like they say, crystal light lemonade or
get clear gatorade, Italian ices. I got the liquid Ivy
grape flavor hydration packets and I think they had a

(02:47):
lemon lime because it comes out pretty clear. I did.
You can do apple juice. I drankle apple juice yesterday.
I did some like ginger kombucha because it was like
almost clear color. I did. It's important because they don't
give you all these options, and when you're doing it,
it's like overwhelming. You're like, I want to be able
to have things. I did lemon popsicles and Italian ices

(03:07):
and coconuts and coconut water, so and you know you
get so at night, for me, you could take a pill.
I don't know why some people choose the pill, but
at night they give you this powder and it was
you have to take it at like six o'clock and
you have to drink it within a certain period of time.
I think it's the first time, like within an hour.

(03:29):
You have to drink this sixteen ounces with this powder
mixed together, and it comes and it becomes almost like
a very sweet, slightly thick like syrupy. They call it free.
It doesn't matter a fucking flavor. It could be fruit punch,
it could be shit punch. It's it's not tasting like
fruit punch. That don't get excited. It's almost annoying that
they call it that because you're like, you can call
it fucking cotton candy and you can call a fuagras.

(03:51):
It tastes like syrupy medicinal aspar tame or something. It's
just like extreme and first to be like it's not
that bad, but after it's just like, what are we doing.
It's just like drinking like a lot of bad cough
syrup or something, but it's not as thick. So you're
supposed to stay at home because you're gonna be using

(04:11):
the restroom because you're going to be cleaning out your
system because they can't look at your call and if
it's not cleaned out, and so that's why they tell
you like days before, like no blueberries, no seeds. There
are certain things that probably like interrupt whatever they're looking for.
They need like a clear view. So at six o'clock
you did it, and you're like, wait, it's not happening.
It's not happening. It's almost like a hash brownie in Amsterdam.

(04:32):
You're just like, it didn't kick in yet. So I
was like, and years ago I got one, Like I said,
I've had a few, and they said to me, I
went under anesthesia, went into it, we got out and
they're like, you have to come back. You're full of shit.
Like I had done the procedure or the cleaning process,
and I still was so full of shit, which speaks

(04:53):
to my constipation. Back then it was like not great
and speaks to now how how I'm doing. But anyway,
so and now I think back that I fucking went
and had to come back. That's a nightmare. That's a nightmare.
That was almost that's like me going to the Apprentice
for one whole week, becoming the runner up, not getting it,

(05:14):
and having to go back again. The most tortuous week
of my life, not as tortuous as my as my colon,
and it's not tortuous it's tortuous. I say tortuous. It's tortuous, okay,
like windy. So at six o'clock I drink this stuff

(05:43):
and nothing's happening. I go to bed, but I'm like
trying to stay up to see if I'm gonna have
to stay up because I'm gonna have to use the restaurant.
Nothing happens, So I go to bed really late, which
is also annoying because I know I have to get
up at five o'clock because I have to do more
of this. So I go to bed really late, and
two thirty it starts acting up a little, not crazy,
but a little. So then at five thirty and I'm thinking, fuck,

(06:05):
what if this prep doesn't work again? So at five
thirty you have to get up and you have to
drink the sixteen ounces with a liquid within a half
an hour. And I managed to do that, but that's
annoying because you're not guzzling. It's you're like up at
five o'clock in the morning, like just up for a
half hour. So I managed to do that. I managed,
and that then it was a little bit active, like

(06:27):
it was like oh God, and it's it's like it's
not horrendous, but you need to be by the bathroom.
So then I got back to sleep, slept, went in
and had and I did a fit check outside. I'm like,
what am I wearing? Because I wanted to be able
to say to the people like this what I'm wearing.
And oh, also it's important to go get a colonoscope
because of your health, and you know, you need to

(06:47):
know what's going on everywhere in your body, Like that's
a big, big part of your body that you should
know what's going on. And so you know, we don't
have to be squeamish about you know, I'm not a
potty humor person at all. I don't like any sort
of bodily discussions about things. I don't at all. This
is different. This is like medical and there are words
that I'm using and choosing for the way that I
talk about it because I want to get the message across.

(07:08):
So I do a fit check and I go there
and everybody's happy at this place that I was at,
they were so nice. It was in Stanford. I'm gonna
I posted about it, I think, and they got to
kick out of every single person they recognize me. Of course,
I'm not surprised. It's it's a lot of female nurses
in there and doctors, and they were like, I'm a
big fan. I'm like, great, you're gonna be up my

(07:28):
ass soon. But anyway, it was like it was a
good environment and I tried to make it fun. Like
everyone's so somber, you know. I did happen to see
a guy in shorts on the way in, which will
be discussed in dating X because I don't understand like
a man is maybe be wearing polo shorts, polo shirt
and shorts in fucking March, Like it's like the person
who rushes the convertible, Like we get it. Relax. So

(07:50):
I walked in and everyone's just so happy, you know,
like and I was like, let's make this positive, like
the MI ladies laugh, like why not? Why not make
kalmus could be experience positive. I like to make things
positive because we're gonna have miserable and miserable we're going
to have your fucking system cleaned out and looked at
and go under anesthesia, which I also find positive. Anesthesia

(08:10):
is a nap. We could slice it however you want.
It's a fucking nap. I wasn't not worried about, you know,
my lack of sleep buzz and I'm like, I'm getting
a nap of a lifetime. And they say it like
the effects of anesthesia are way deeper than sleep. So
like I don't know what that means and what scientists
figure that out, but like I don't know. So I
was jacked up. So I go in and I filmed it,
not the colonoscopy, but just like going into the gown,

(08:33):
just like making it stupid and funny whatever. And so
I got a kolonoscopy and she came out and she said,
you have two polyps. I don't really know what they're
like growths, they could turn into bad. They just gonna
analyze them and then they tell you later they buy
op see them. I think it is or But she
took them out and she said you have She said,
I like when we get confirmation of like medical things

(08:54):
that other people have said about you, like you get
a little attention. Does that make any sense? Like I'm like, okay,
I do have a long and torture and I have
a reason to have things that are different about what
I go through that get a little attention, Like I
also have very low blood pressure, get a little tension,
like I have drastically low blood pressure. We get a little,
we get little flex a little on that. So I
have low blood pressure and a long tortuous colon. I

(09:15):
get to put those on my resume. She said, it's
a rollercoaster. Yeah, I am special. So she then says,
but it looked pretty good like it was. It looked
pretty clean, and and she said to keep taking your vitamins.
And I felt like good about what I was doing.
I was like, yay. So anyway I did it, you
don't have to do for another four to five years,
some people to three. I don't know what dictates that.

(09:37):
I don't know what age, but if you do have
serious constipation or digestive issues, you should get one. Like
if you have issues I guess, I don't know, digesting
dairy or bloating and different things going on in your gut,
you should get a call on oscabay. So it's not
something that's just for older people. So that's just my
daily health report and my daily public service announcement about

(09:59):
your all health. And I feel good about myself. And
it's giving supermodel, it's giving de bloated, it's giving good
skin it's giving one day of clear liquids. I'm an
anti dumpster. It's it's I feel like I have a
cleaner colon than anyone else, and everyone's jealous of my
fucking colon. So I have a clean coll and you welcome.