Stepmom Presents: The Husband Hunt – “ PURSUE” (Episode 2)

This is a Clown Parade Production: 

Episode 2: PURSUE

After we have picked our prized prey in episode 1, we need to know how to pursue it! We don’t want to spook them away, rather lure them to us. Known in wildlife as “aggressive mimicry”, acting as the prey’s prey is key. Stepmom will go over crucial pursuit tactics and of course answer your pressing questions! 

Greta Titelman also hosts the podcast Senior Superlatives, you can watch her on the most recent season of Search Party and make sure to follow her @gertiebird!

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Bunjoro Mijarlota's let's it Taliano for good morning, harlotts. I
learned that from my gorgeous horseback riding instructor, Jacomo, who
would always let me ride bare back. Now, welcome to
episode two of the husband Hunt. It is I, your
absolutely beautiful, bosomed, the gorgeous dipped in butter cream step mother,

(00:26):
here to give you the step by step guide for
finding the husband that has enough guacamole, cake, coin cabbage.
That's right, mula la to fix your life and your
face a few times. Now, if you finally screwed your
head on right and are just joining us, I will
be a generous bitch and briefly recap episode one, the

(00:49):
very important first episode Seek, where we go over the
right environments to seek your prey, such as Michelin Star restaurants,
cigar our bars, piano lounges, gallos, plastic surgery conventions, oh,
the Monaco Grand Prix, and how to identify wealth as
it's more than just fancy watches and cars, it's also

(01:12):
a healthy hairline. So assuming you've heeded all of my
advice from episode one and ditch that tragic old life
of yours that was once wrapped up in synthetic fibers
and disgusting v nex from the gap. And once you've
stopped purchasing all of your out from Zara eating all

(01:33):
of those burrito bowls from Chipotle, we can now move
on to episode two, Pursue. After we successfully seek our prey,
identifying whom's the luckiest geriatric candidate is with the deepest pockets,
it's time we pursue them. Once we know who they are,

(01:53):
we have to keep track of where they are. Pursuing
is an art after all, and we are going to
be implementing the animalistic tactic known as aggressive mimicry. That's
when you act as the praise pray when you blindside
them by showing up in their environment or getting an
invitation to join. Either way, you want them to think

(02:15):
that they are feasting on you raw, cracking you wide
open and licking you from tat to tit, when in
reality you're eating them. But they'll never suspect a thing.
Pursuing is primeal. It's all about the way we smell, eats, drink, think.
All of it matters. So we of course must start

(02:37):
with what not to do, because I know a lot
of you dildo heads out there are chomping at the
bit to just talk talk talk, per super super sue.
After you feel you've done all of the seeking and
I can't have you destroying our chances without the gate.
Mother needs you to move out of the house asap.
So just how seeking must look happenstance pursuing must too.

(03:02):
It must always feel like an accident, or, to put
it more romantically, fate. When you have finally put yourself
in that correct environment, it is time to make contact,
and I mean official contact, such as introducing yourself and
starting a proper conversation. I hope you little numbnuts know
how to talk, because sometimes when you talk to stepmother,

(03:25):
why it sounds like your mouth is filled with bibles.
Oh and please bring altoids along that little cracker jack
breath of yours. The stench practically permeates through my pores.
So number one, do not act desperate. If anything, always
act shocked. I don't care if you drove thirteen hours

(03:49):
to Sun Valley, Idaho to seek your prey in town
for the billionaires Summit. No one needs to know that
you put effort into anything other than your outfit. You're
seeking congratulations, and now your pursuit must begin. And this,
my dear listeners, where the fun happens, and no one

(04:09):
likes desperation. Our introductions to our prey must be as
non predatory as possible. You don't want to scare them
off by acting like an aggressive cow moving all over
the goddamn lawn, being so thirsty she's sucking down the
goddamn watering hole. You want to learn them. Do you
like the snake in the fucking Garden of Eden, the

(04:32):
only good character in that book? In my opinion, yes,
that book. I'm talking about the Bible. You are the apple,
the delicate little flower, with no ulterior motive other than
enjoying wherever it is you are. You mustn't act like
you have to talk to someone, rather make them feel

(04:54):
honored to be in your presence talking to you. So
when they do approach, when the seeking has worked and
the pursuit has begun, after you've batted your lashes or
tastefully fondled that lechi in your mouth from your Lichi martini,
you must stay calm and collected. Once they're learned to us,

(05:15):
you must present as the gorgeous exotic expensive bird. You
are number two. Stop smelling cheap. You want them to
take you seriously and smelling cheap it's for the mistress
of the manner and you want to be the patrona
that is once again Italian for matron. You can kiss

(05:38):
that Paris Hilton sent you purchased in high school. Goodbye tattard,
that cucumber melon body splash or revoir to whatever mid
Market sent your trapes and your twater round in. I
don't care if Dulchi and Gobana light blue is technically
designer and your signature of fragrance. It's time we smell
rich and I mean really right, educate yourself on the

(06:01):
most opulent perfumes on the market. You want to smell
like a living Jackie? Oh not miss Jackie? Hell? Oh?
And do you love a pun And wasn't that one good?
And if you can't afford to go to the store
and buy yourself that bottle of by Rado mohavec Ghost
or something, oh I don't know, tom Ford black or

(06:22):
get you can at least get yourself a fucking sample.
Pheromones translate to sex. Dear, why do you think I
rock your father's fucking tube socks off every single night.
Do you know why? Because I smell like the oyster
he wants to eat. That's right, he loves Brian anyway,

(06:44):
we want them to cream themselves just standing there smelling us.
If you don't see a little puddle in their pants
have either come or pee, then you are not working
hard enough. A little pee at least means he's close
to death. Now wants me in conversation. Let them guide it. God,

(07:04):
please stop acting like and know it all. I know
you know your way around a target, but let them
show you the way around their brain. It is important
that you talk to them about whatever it is they
want to talk about. Why if they want to talk
about their roast beef dinner not being soft enough for

(07:24):
their fucking teeth and then gave them acid reflux and
now they're switching from private sector privacy, let them you
love pharmaceuticals, dear, especially when someone works in the industry.
If they want to talk about how their ex wife
was a lifeless, unfunny count to never let them buy
that dream yacht or go helly skiing induge. An adventurous

(07:48):
man is always good because you can always take out
life insurance policies. It is important to make our prey
feel safe and seene and secure, and that we are
interested in everything they are. We don't want to let
our little old opinions bleed through. No, no, we want
to learn, and you must show them that you know,

(08:12):
you appreciate them. These little skin puddles, these little aging men,
they really get off on being teachers. They love to
act wise and mighty. And you are going to do
no such thing as dumb as stopping that. Now, don't
freak out. Of course, there are some people who love

(08:34):
an opinionated gaping hole, but it's important to understand the
terrain before we go plunging head first into what might
be a shallow fucking bull. If you graduate from say,
standing at the bar or pool or lounge, to sitting
down and sharing a meal, do not be a picky eater.
These men want to see how you're going to fit

(08:56):
into their world. So whatever they want to shove down
their little give it suckers, you're going to too. I
don't care if you're GFDF whatever the fuck it's rude
to turn down. Caviare sour cream and belinys, dear, you
are not a heathen. You only eat the finest things
in life, and this is always a good test if

(09:18):
you're unsure as to what they're packing in that bank.
It's always good to order the most expensive thing or
five on the menu. And when it comes time to
talk about your measly little luckluster life, you don't want
there to be any red flags on your end. Yep,

(09:38):
that's right. No pets and potentially no family, as they
can be a real sticks in the mud. So it
might be important to put that little rotted fluff up
for adoption and getting estranged. We don't want it to
become logistically difficult to hop on someone's G five down
to St. Barts, now do we know? We of course

(10:01):
put Toby up for adoption, and we no longer speak
to our five siblings and are absolutely deranged parents who
we all know are coupon clippers. Ah. And finally, for
what not to do, and this is very very very
important that you listen. Do not bring friends as wing people.

(10:25):
If you bring them, they have to be uglier and
dumber than you, dear, and that is just that. And
I know you think that's cruel, but I don't make
the rules. You are a diamond and everybody else is
a semi precious stool or plastic. If you're smart, let

(10:51):
me tell you a time. And I did the dumb,
dumb thing and brought a wing woman who was not
uglier and dumber than me. I brought my ex friend
Kelly Chrysler von Heaton, yes of the Chrysler family, out
to seek and pursue with me. Now I knew this

(11:12):
big corona I was seeking was going to be at
a gala called Big Wigs for Bosses. Yes, the foundation
that provides literal big wigs to bosses. Now I bought
two tickets with my hard earned cash from suing a
date for burning my labia. He happened to wake up
and had no idea. He finger blasted me with hot

(11:33):
sauce filled hands, and well, you know you can always
settle when someone does damage. Anyway, I thought it would
be a good idea if I brought Kelly along. After all,
she was rich and looked it and therefore made me
look richer. She also had an eye for some of
the finer details I was blind to at the time,
because of course she grew up with a Ritchie rich.

(11:55):
For example, she turned me onto the fact that some
ritchie riches wear Meryls and Cassio watches, awful baggy shorts
from ari I, and bucket hats. Oh, they even traped
surround in free promotional T shirts one might find from
a T shirt cannon at a football game. She opened
my eyes to the fact that some dirty, filthy white

(12:16):
whales a k a. Trillionaires like to live in their
former skin as a way to camouflage themselves from hunters
like me. But thanks to Kelly, no one could hide
from us. Kelly, on the other hand, was five ft
nine Princeton grad who looked like she was based off
of an American girl doll the hair, green eyes, perfect

(12:36):
little tear drop tits. Well, that night Kelly came in
and blind sided my dumbass and hunted my prey. I
had finally lured Bart the Tingle a k a. Chip Tingle,
the inventor of Wrangle, over to the Ice Sculpture. The

(12:57):
ice Sculpture, which, by the way, was a huge wig.
I learned him away from his date because I had
done my due diligence. I had sought him, clocked him,
knew exactly where he was going to be, and this
was my pursuit, and after I lured him away from
his date, I accidentally got my fingers stuck underneath this

(13:18):
giant wig bust right when he came in and started
to delicately defrost my finger with his Kelly came up
from behind, and her expensive scent alone made him lose me.
She was quick to point out the obvious, the obvious
way that I could get unstuck, which was simply by
removing my hand, and he was so taken with her

(13:40):
in that moment that I lost him. So the lesson is,
never bring a hunter who can out hunt you. It's
too risky and will happen. Why, it turns out, Kelly
never gave a fuck about me. She used me like
I used her, except she had better tactics. She knew

(14:03):
I was planning on going to the big Wig Gala
to find my big wig pringled man himself, Chip Tingle,
and once she knew I was seeking Chip Tingle, once
she knew I did all of the work to seek
Seek Seek, and she knew I was on the pursuit,
while she was just the lazy parasite and tacked herself
onto me and is now living on his mansion on

(14:25):
the cape. Well, of course, we must talk about what
to do now that we know what not to do
when we pursue. It's important that we are pursuing with
the personality that they want to be around. Now. I
know I said don't be too opinionated, but that doesn't

(14:48):
mean don't have a point of view. Once you find
out what kind of personality your richie rich likes, why
mimic it. It's not that hard. Just act like the
person they want to see. Remember, you are embodying a
creation of their dreams. When you are pursuing, it is

(15:09):
important to act like something they have never seen before,
to act like the thing they have been dreaming of.
The pursuit is all about fulfilling their wishes. Why they
are finally figuring out that they could have it all.
And that's right, it's with little old you. So do
understand the kind of personality type your little skin sack

(15:34):
wants to deal with. For example, the manic pixie dream
girl always the popular one for the emotionally repressed billionaires
out there. They love this type. They love having you
around to insert life and Joan Vie within them and
also depporrid emotional drama. Why it's exciting for them. They

(15:56):
get to feel like the hero in both scenario. They
also get to feel revived and young and fresh. Perhaps
take a molly with them, dance like you know, a
sexy little vixen in front of them, and for them
make them feel like they're the only person lucky enough

(16:18):
in the world to be on the wild personality ride.
That is, you go braw this in a white T
shirt where little jean shorts, show them what it's like
to be a completely emotionally reculous person without ever divulging
too many of your issues. Remember, being a manic pixie

(16:40):
dream girl means that you're there to service them. By
being wild and free, you are boosting them and their value.
You're making them more interesting. You're making their life more enticing.
Why you being a freak nasty, little emotional whore could
make their business adventures more exciting. You could be the

(17:03):
life of the party on a business trip in Abisa.
And that's what he wants from you. He wants you
to enhance him. Then, of course, the domineering bitch. It's
always a suave richie rich that likes this, like a
George Clooney type. They want some smarty pants lawyer to

(17:26):
march into their life and say, Jerry, ah, absolutely object.
They want you to boss them around. Why they're tired
of being bosses in the boardroom. They want you to
be their life boss. You march in and a wide leg,
pinch strike pant from some gorgeous Italian designer, and you

(17:51):
tell them how to run their life. They are not
in charge when they live the office you are. You
tell them where you're going to be having dates. You
tell them where you're going to be having drinks. You
tell them exactly what time you want to eat. You
run that rolodexs, you run that calendar. Now, Oh, they

(18:12):
don't want domineering. Why a cute and quiet brainiac is
always good for a fellow cute and quiet brainiac looking
for a tech nerd to seek your little things into
some of that you can suck up a bunch of
stocks and they're publicly traded tech company. Why they always
like it when you're quiet, but you bubble up with

(18:33):
some sort of cookie factoid about physics or math. Be
sure that you can quote Aristotle and Socrates, and that
you've done your spark noting of Stephen Hawkings writings and
of course infinite jest and oh maybe the tipping point.
These little brainiacs love someone that's quiet, but then in

(18:54):
the bedroom becomes an absolute vixen. They always love a
little piss on their chest and a little ship on
their floor. Never forget that. And if you need little inspiration,
it's always helpful to look up that mousy little count
Ana Kendrick. Now, another personality type in the last personality
type not to get confused with the manic Pixie dream Girl,

(19:16):
is the independent free Spirit. This is the personality type
of a richie rich who wants to act not needed,
but also wants to fund your entire life. The man
of Pixie dream Girl, why they need the man The
independent free Spirit they don't need anyone. They just need
you to watch them beyond their massive four wheeler in

(19:38):
their camp at Burning Man. They want to wear goggles
on their heads, and hell, maybe they even have braces.
Maybe they've gone and followed fish on tour for who
knows how long. The independent free Spirit why they're covered
in little tattoos, sort of markers of their past stories. Now,

(19:59):
if you want to go full in being, the independent
free spirit is an investment. It's important that you look
the part. Because all of these old these typically men
that have a panache for collecting records and of course
classic rock and I love any kind of Americana will
absolutely eat an indie free spirit up again, all these

(20:24):
personality types are enhancing their life in some way. Now,
do shop for the occasions. I know I say this
in every episode, but it is so important when we're
pursuing that you really really nail the looks. We can
always keep the tags on. Just make sure you're on
a sweaty glutton so the ink doesn't run. We want
to look like we belong in whatever environment that pursuit

(20:48):
takes us. While we're in Miami, of course, we're an
Edito silk skiing in Aspen, obviously among clair Onesie with
a matching chinchilla hat. I don't know how to ski,
no problem, Just look like you do. Why are the
goddamn boots in the lodge carry a fucking tennis racket?
Think of this as Halloween, except you're the only trick insight.

(21:13):
Pursuing is simply convincing them that they need to have
you around. A successful pursuit, and dear, you'll have them
eating from the palm of your hand. Next thing you know,
you'll be on to capture mode. But we won't cover
that until episode three. Now, since all of you little

(21:36):
freaks seem to have peanuts for brains, please remember that
pursuing is delicate. If they don't answer your call first
thing in the morning, that's okay. In fact, don't even
call them. Be confident enough in your pursuit that they
will come running back to you. You never want to

(21:58):
be overbearing. Never I want to come off as of needy.
Save that for later, Dear, For now, let the pursuit
speak for itself. Why you've had a great time. You've
gone on great dates, You've gone on great dances, You've
gone on great trips. Now it's time for stepmother to

(22:23):
answer your question. Hi, step Mom, So my now exploy
friend for a couple with me, saying that I was
too mentally stable for him and that he cannot fix

(22:44):
me and therefore he cannot love me, which is super toxic.
But I'm feel sad, So give me some advice. I
want to know how I can get over this. I
am more despending millions, um, but I need something stronger
than that. Well, first starters dear listener, thank you so
much for calling, and Stepmommy is proud of you for
spending millions. I would advise for you to go and

(23:06):
spend billions, of course, not of your own money, but
of somebody else's. It's quite a thrill. Now. Some people
are born perfect, and you do sound like you join
me and the ranks as one of them. As it
pertains to your rather deranged X, I would suggest sending
him a lego set, something very complicated to build, as

(23:28):
it appears that he needs something to transfix his time
with and focus on fiddling with something else like plastic
rather than your perfect brain. Now there's nothing that a
little trip and dip into the Aegean didn't fix for
dear mummy, So I would advise you to take a
trip on a yacht and completely escape avoid reality. When
things get tough, say no, not for me. You're too

(23:51):
good to be wasting your time on being heartbroken, dear,
and there's a whole entire world of magnificence and complete
idiots waiting for you to take advantage of them. So
trot off now. I want to see you at Pasha
and Abisa, not pouring your tears over some loser that
should be better left locked in his room doing his legos. Hello, So,

(24:13):
like I work, like great yard chip, and like the
McDonald's doesn't open until five am. And if my ship
doesn't pencil four, should I wait for McDonald's to open
or should I just go to sleep? Wow? What a
stunning question. Thank you for calling in. Now let me
teach you a little tip. It's called postmates. That's right.

(24:36):
You don't wait for anything in this life. If there's
one thing that I've taught you, you need to completely
spoil yourself rotten. So the second you get off work,
you run your ass home and you get into your
most coziest, gorgeous silk pajamas, into your fronte sheets, and
you simply open up your phone and order McDonald's and
pay someone else to bring it to you. There will

(24:58):
be no waiting in the world of stepmother, and I
don't want you to start waiting as well. So no,
don't wait, have someone bring it to you. Hey, step mom.
So my dilemma is that I'm dating someone amazing. We're
in a great relationship. Things are going super well. It's
really mature. We communicate better than I've ever communicated with

(25:22):
anyone in my life. There's a lot of trust and
respect there. He's a wonderful person and I have no
reason to believe that anything bad is going to happen,
and yet I'm constantly thinking that something bad is going
to happen, like the relationship is just gonna unravel or
it's gonna fizzle out or end really dramatically, And it's

(25:45):
getting to the point where it's kind of like all
I can think about when we're together, like having the time.
This is getting at the end, even though there's nothing
in reality that leads me to think of this way.
So basically, I'm just really in my head, acting psychotic,
trying desperately not to let it affect my relationship. And

(26:08):
I feel insane because there's nothing there to be worried about, really,
and we talked about it all the time and he's
very comforting and lovely. Um, there's just something in me
that like still hasn't quite settled into the safety of
this amazing relationship. So I would love your advice. Thank

(26:30):
you so much for listening. Um, anything that you can
share to help me, just like calm the funk down
and enjoy this. Be so great thanks so much by seven. Well, well, well,
what a complicated question for starters. Snap the fuck out
of it. If I would have dropped us absolutely stunning

(26:52):
ice cream sunday in front of your face, would you
just sit there and watch it melt? No, you'd pick
up the boon and abour bit by bit in, enjoying
every bite as it slurps down your gorgeous hole. So
that's what I need you to start doing in your relationship.
Stop making up these false realities, dear that he's not
having fun with you. What you need to do is

(27:12):
wake up in the morning, stare at yourself in the mirror,
and tell yourself you deserve it. Because when we feel
deserving of all of the richest life has to offer,
why then we start enjoying them. So please do me
a fucking favor and start enjoying it one more. That
will a measly ounce of time in that little head
of yours. And you're going to completely drive yourself up

(27:33):
the goddamn wall. And it sounds like you already are.
And there's nothing more unattractive than some stunning fellow future
stepmother not fully indulging in what life has to offer.
We're only here for a short time now, darling, and
I would hate to see you let it go to waste,
So get your head out of your fucking ass and

(27:53):
start living in the reality that is your cozy little
Kashmir cablenet of a relationship. I remember your controlled no
one else but you, Hi step kind of like fun
exciting question. So I'm in my early twenties and because
of a condition I had, I could not have anne
trade effects. So quite recently and I started seeing someone

(28:16):
and do thing maybe feel comfortable and everything, and so
honestly I just started having connetative sects. Ah. But it's
a very exciting and new and like I just wanted
to ask your advice on like, you know, how do
you keep it like spice up in the bedroom, favorite positions,
like you know, like what should I be doing and

(28:37):
all that job because I feel like you just know
sexty time. Um, yeah, thank you so much for taking
the time to listen to this by congratulations on finally
being able to get penetrated. That is so exciting for
you and stepmother is proud. Now that I would suggest
is figuring out what gets you off. I mean completely,

(29:00):
I mean to the point that you're squirting all over
your room. The ceiling is soaking wet. Stildos, ding dong's,
ding lings, vibrators, anal beads, anal plugs, anything you can
stick in stick out that you can clean, My dear,
you should try it. I highly suggest investing in a
sex toy or thirty and figuring out what it is
that will make you skyrocket to the moon and back,

(29:22):
so that once you have a partner that you want
to prowl around the sheets with, you can absolutely blow
your mind. We don't know what we want until we
figured it out for ourselves, So I suggest taking a
deep dive into your clitteress and figuring out what exactly
it is she wants, how she likes to be touched,
and then once you're fully introduced to her, you can

(29:42):
successfully introduce her to someone else. Now. In terms of
stepmother dear is favorite positions, I do love a classic
face down us up doggie style, Call me a pure
bred Doberman honey, because mother needs her back blown out
and that is what I will get. I like to
be plowed so hard, doggie that my knees crack. Another

(30:03):
classic position that I highly suggest is, of course reverse
cow girl. This is always fun too if you have
a vintage Versacci chapter where or potentially a gorgeous Chanel
Western collection hat Now, I would advise these positions do
require some power, so please go to the pilates class.
I signed you up for enough dilly dallying and start

(30:25):
getting that core in check. What a stunning episode that was.
Thank you so much for all of your questions, for
writing in and for listening to your stepmother. Now I
hope that you will be joining us next week for
episode three, as it is very important to the success
of your future life. How will you please run to

(30:48):
the store. Your father's balls are in gorge from exploding
too much in my mouth, and I need to pick
up his medication to relieve his prostate TATA