December 21, 2023 • 46 mins
Chelsea and Catherine prepare for the holidays with book recommendations, questionable gift lists, a Chow-chow-filled road trip. Then: A step-mom is tired of putting on Norman Rockwell-level holidays for her ungrateful step-kids. An Aussie can’t seem to stay single for long. And a girlfriend’s family refuses to meet her newest flavor-of-the-week… except this one’s for real.
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Books mentioned on today’s episode:
Psilocybin Mushrooms of the World by Paul Stamets
How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan
The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Executive Producer Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brad Dickert
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Hi Catherine. Oh hi Chelsea, Hi, I still have
deep throat boys. Oh my gosh, Chelsea, where are you now?
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Well?
Speaker 3 (00:08):
I just did a road trip mm hmm with my
new dog, Mochi, who's a five year old child.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
I saw a picture of him and he is pretty
much the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
He's a big, fat baby. He's seventy pounds, so it's
exactly my body type. And I took him and Bernice
and he had never flown before, so his family didn't
want him anymore because they had a baby or something.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
So I had to pick him up.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
And he had never been on a plane, so I
didn't want to freak him out because you know, like
and fly him up to Whistler. But no one in
my family thought I could do it. Everyone's like, do
not go on a road trip from LA to Whistler, Chelsea,
like yourself with Bernice and Mochi meeting for the first
time and then in a car together for I mean
two days.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
Basically, I went through to San Francisco.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
I stayed with my sister one night, and then my
friend Kelly from Whistler was like, let me come down
and meet you. You're not competent enough to drive yourself
to Whistler. And I was like, no, because all I
wanted to do was be alone and bond with my dogs.
But you can't really bond with a new dog when
you're driving, right. Bernie's is a good girl, and I
was gonna leave her behind this winter because my Belle.
(01:11):
She's happy at my Bell's and she's got Felix, her boyfriend, who's.
Speaker 5 (01:14):
Our dog guy at the house. But she's just been
looking so cute lately.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
I just couldn't bear this might be her last year
with us. She's older, but she's so cute.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
She's really scrumpshot.
Speaker 4 (01:26):
So I had to take her.
Speaker 5 (01:27):
I had to take her, and if she doesn't, I'm
going to stay until I've towed the Critics' Choice Awards. Oh,
by the way, I just announced new dates in Australia, everybody,
and New Zealand, so take a look at those on
Chelseahandler dot com.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
And I am coming to Salt Lake City.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
There are tickets for that, and all my Canadian dates
are this winter, so you know, follow me and you'll
find out anyway.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Bernice is she's a good traveler.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
She is, actually she doesn't want any trouble. She just
like wants to mind her business. And she's good with
other dogs. Yeah, she gets annoyed if they like, you know, come.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Like bother her, but she's good.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:00):
So I have a new family and we'll see how long.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
And oh what I was saying is if it doesn't
work out like with Brinice doesn't like Whistler and she's
not into the snow. There's not a lot of snow
here yet, m m, then I will take her back
in January when I come.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Back to the beach.
Speaker 6 (02:13):
Choice.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
But Mochi's going to stay with me, and they'll keep
each other company when I'm skiing and doing my bad
parenting exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
They can be each other's pack. Well, Chelsea, I know
you usually do family stuff for the holidays. Is there
anything you're looking forward to?
Speaker 4 (02:26):
Oh, you know what's happening this year.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I'm moving out of my house so I can move
into a bigger house that I had to rent for
my family.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
So that's what I'm doing. You're a new house that
just got finished or no, your house was no, no.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
No, because that's never going to be finished.
Speaker 4 (02:38):
That's in la. I just saw that house.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
And it's still not done. Just although it's going to
be gorgeous, just in time for me to move to
New York City.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Excellent.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
But I've already lost interest in that house. It's taken
so long.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Anytime anything takes long, I can't I've lost interest.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
I don't care. Well, it's hard to be like, have
the same passion for something that you had three years ago.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
I bought that I ordered the floors for that house
two years ago.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
That is years ago, so obviously, like, but Carla is
staying back and she is battening down the hatches.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
She's whipping everyone into shape.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
So there's been more progress progress, I'm saying because I'm
saying it like that now because I'm in Canada, and
there's been more progress since she's been staying behind, So
that's been helpful.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Good.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, I think she'll whip everybody into shape and gets
shipped done.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
So my family arrives momentarily, you know, in a couple
of days, and then we have a house for a week,
and then they leave and then I have like three
weeks off before my next date in Vancouver or Kelowna
or Edmonton, wherever the hell I'm going next.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Yeah, it sounds like I do need it.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I do need it, get into bed and then like
not move for at least a week of that. I
know that's I can't wait.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
I need sleep and skis and skis skis will rejuvenate me.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Today is our holiday episode, Chelsea.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
Which holiday are we celebrating.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
We're celebrating all of them, Kanza, Christmas, all the things Anica.
We have some holiday themed questions. Some callers talking about
the new year. Okay, great, Yes, So my fifteen year
old nephew and I'm not sure if anyone else in
my family realizes what he has asked for. And he's like,
not into drugs whatever, but he asked for a book
(04:13):
on finding psilocybin mushrooms in the forest. You know that,
the mushroom guy, Paul Stamitz. He asked for a book
from him, and I was like, I told my sister,
I'm like, oh, I'm going to get that for him,
thinking she didn't know what it was. And she's like, oh, no,
Grandma's gonna get that for him. So he wants a
psilocybin book and everyone's fine, that's.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
Fine, who cares, I mean, let everybody. The more educated
people are about drugs the better.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
I kind of agree, and I said, I would like
to supplement that with How to Change Your Mind. Yeah,
that's a good book, right, which is by Michael polland
Michael Pollin. Yeah, by Michael Pollan. And then my sister
was like, no, wait till he's twenty. I'm like, but
it's not something that makes you want to do drugs.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
It's just everybody, no, exactly, it's good to be educated. Also,
that's what I gave everybody. That's Christmas. I gave everybody
two books. That's what I sent out for Christmas gifts,
The Great Alone and Atomic Habits.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Oh fantastic, very different books.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
So that, yeah, that's my gift to everyone. I'm just
only giving books out from now on.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah, I think that's good.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
M hmm.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
I'm still reading Tomorrow, Tomorrow, tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
But I mean, I'm just not that interested in that book,
even though everyone else loves it so much.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Oh see, I started it and I'm very into it.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Really, it was so interesting about it, you know.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
What, I because I knew you said this a couple
of weeks ago.
Speaker 5 (05:26):
And I've never taken It's never taken me longer to
read a book. But that's also really writing my book.
So I'm writing a book, so my focus is really there,
and then in between I read.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, I feel like it reads a little like a
genreving book, where it's really just about the character development
and sort of their interaction. I don't know. I like it.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
But it's about gaming. It's it's all about gaming. Everyone
kept saying, it's not that. Don't worry, it's not about gaming.
It's all about gaming.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Yeah, I'm only about a quarter of the way through,
but like it's sort of about I don't know. I
feel like it's about games as informs their relationship. That's
what I'm getting from. But I'm also only a quarter
of the way through.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah, I mean, I don't know how far I am.
I don't think i'm more than halfway through either, but
I guess i'll finish it.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Well, that's on everyone else's your endless but we'll not
put it on your year end list. No, no, no, no,
I know.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
Yeah, but the grade alone I will always recommend and
circ Yeah, yeah, you love that one.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
I have that book. I'm going to read that again.
I haven't read it. I picked it up in a
bookstore the other day and I just I read a
few pages and I didn't know if like the prose
was for me. But I don't know.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Maybe I should give it a try. Oh from the beginning, Yeah,
it's you got to get into it. That's like a
fantasy book. Yeah, Greek mythology.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
But I'm not into that either. But I loved it.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I love the use her just her writing is so powerful,
like she just knows how to finish a sentence or
write a sentence.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Speaking of your end lists, are there any like movies,
TV books that you experience this year that you love
and want to recommend?
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Well, I need to watch all those movies for the Critics'
Choice Awards.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
I haven't seen any of the movies yet. I only
saw My Maestro.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Yeah, yeah, I saw that at a friend's house because
she was screening it.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And that was really good.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
That Carrie Mulligan, it's fucking awesome.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
She is just a yeah she is. Yeah, she's in
it and she's so good too. I love a period
piece Sarah Silverman, like she was in Masters of Sex.
I'm like dressed all nineteen fifties and yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
Yeah, she does some good movie choices.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah, she's fantastic. I did watch May December, which is
how is that.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
I've heard mixed reviews about that.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
It's very camp, but it's really interesting and I think
like it's very interesting to watch from like an acting standpoint,
and the story is really good. It's a lot about manipulation.
It's interesting too because you have all these like incredible
actors and yet the music is almost like TV movie music,
(07:44):
Like it's very dunt dun dun duh, and it's a
very chousic is off.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
That's what they said, that it doesn't add up to
the movies.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Yeah, but see, I I loved that choice because there's
sort of like a revelation at the end. You understand
why they sort of made that sort of cheesy choice.
But the acting is incredible, the story is really good.
There's a lot of manipulation and you kind of like
power dynamics shifting and it's really cool. Yea's really cool.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Well, I've been watching a lot of TV, but I
can't even remember what I'm watching.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
I'm watching The Gilded Age.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
That what I'm watching. I haven't seen the second season yet,
but I don't even know what I'm watching half the time.
Speaker 4 (08:19):
I Mean, I just.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Don't even know.
Speaker 4 (08:21):
Yeah, I mean, sometimes I'm paying attention. Sometimes I'm not.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
When I came home from my last dight in Ottawa,
which was so fun, Toronto crowds were so awesome, Otta
was I was so awesome. I landed on a Sunday,
went out thinking I was dying.
Speaker 4 (08:34):
On the Sunday, I'm dying.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
I was like, oh my god, No, I was so sick,
and I had two Christmas things to go do, and
I was like, I kept trying to get out of
both of them. I ended up getting home at two
am Sunday night at two am, this is last week.
Then Monday, I had another thing. I had a goop
thing for Gwyneth, and then I had another thing, and
then we went out to dinner, and I and I
(08:56):
went out again, and then it's just it was non stop.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Give yourself a bedtime.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
I know, I don't know what I think I'm doing anymore.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
I'm like, I think I'm thirty thirty years old and
I'm not thirty years old, and I need like I
need to I need like a pump of adrenaline or something. Yeah,
you know, but you know I need a shot of energy.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
The best thing to give you that is just.
Speaker 4 (09:15):
Like a ball is what I need? I need an
eight ball? Who has an eight ball?
Speaker 2 (09:19):
No?
Speaker 1 (09:20):
You know what you got to do the suburban speedball,
which is like your first drink is an espresso Martini
and then you do something out.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
Espresso Martini's fucking work.
Speaker 5 (09:28):
They wake you up, They wake you up, and then
you have a butt and it's great.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
You can't do too many of that because then you'll
be up all night or your heart could explode. Like
these people who drank these extreme lemonades. Have you heard
about this?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Who?
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yes, at this particular fast food chain. I'm not going
to say which one, but two people have died after
drinking these cafinated lemonades. Is it like a red bull?
Speaker 4 (09:51):
It's like a red so they had a heart attack.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Yep, he had a heart attack and died. Two people
have died after drinking men.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
Did they take they recall them?
Speaker 7 (09:58):
No?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
I don't think Yeah, I don't think they've it yet.
We don't know if that was what caused it. But
they died. Doesn't sound like a positive situation. Oh, it's
all crazy anyway, don't drink over caffee to drinks everybody. Okay, well,
should we go to some callers. I also have some
follow ups. Okay, so Chelsea, you know, we have our
(10:21):
NYC girls who are child free and have been chatting,
and I've been putting them all together. They started like
a WhatsApp group and they're all chatting. Well, they got
together for the first time and we got a really
sweet email from them. I love it. Yes, and Courtney
was the one who sent this in. She said, thank
you so much for taking the time to connect this
(10:42):
group of women, and it was so energizing to meet
for brunch in NYC this past weekend. Turns out we
all feel like black sheep, oftentimes for more reasons than
just choosing to be child free or single. We're all
independent and successful in our own right. Some have partners
and others are struggling in the dating scene. We're often
the ones paving various paths away from the norms we
(11:04):
come from, and uniting for brunch today felt like a
new home. It's so refreshing to have a community that
we rather seamlessly fit into, and we all thank you
and Chelsea for uniting us via her podcast. That meeting
launched plans to travel, to play sports, have trivia nights,
to help promote each other and our businesses to drink
and eat together from here. Thank you and happy holidays.
(11:27):
Love the NYC Child Free Crew. You've united. Ps. The
table behind us had maybe twenty people, at least half
were toddlers. And of course this was a total shit show.
We couldn't help but realize the sheer comedy of it all.
No regrets, how is wee? Oh wow, I know, look
at these fabulous women.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
Oh my god, No, that's so cool.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Very happy for them. There have been a couple ladies
who've reached out about Chicago. So Chicago, if you want
to start a group, let me know, and then I
have one other. This feels like a fun holiday surprise,
though it's not exactly holiday. But Brooke had written in
way back on our Jamie Green Burke ep and she
was struggling with infertility and looking for ways to be positive.
(12:11):
So you and Jamie gave her some really good advice.
She says, You're Chelsea. I wanted to thank you for
taking the time to chat with me, offer advice and
let me share the story of my miscarriage. It was
so helpful to hear the perspectives from three different women.
Jamie I'd especially like to thank you for sharing your
personal story as well. Since we talked, I'm happy to
(12:31):
report I have good news to share. My rainbow baby
girl is finally here. She was born in March a
Pisces like you, ladies, which we love, and Chelsea, I
know you'll be proud of me. For the first time ever,
I started speaking to a therapist on a weekly basis
who specialize in perinatal and maternal anxiety. It's been helpful
to gain tools for helping myself de escalate and relax
(12:52):
in my times of spiraling, and I know that toning
down my overthinking mind is good for both me and
the baby. So I'm doing everything i can. The meditation
thing I'm still working on, but I've come to love
long walking meditations with my daughter and the stroller. Thank
you again. I can't get enough of your podcast and
still tune in every week. Keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker 5 (13:11):
Brook, That's great, Yes, Jamie, Jamie listens to every podcast,
So Jamie, way to go, Jamie.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
You finally have contributed something to the world. You you
ladies got Brooke pregnant.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Jamie's recently got kicked off of her own daughter's softball
team because she's in one of those sideline moms.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Well she didn't get kicked off, but.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
She has to stop going to games for her daughter's
mental health. She's she's such an asshole. At the games
that she had. Her daughter was like, she goes, I
don't think I'm going to come to any games anymore,
and her daughter's like, I think that's best.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Oh no, I think old is so ridiculous. She's so competitive.
Oh my god. I knew she really enjoyed going to these,
but I didn't know it was like that. Yeah, I know,
I guess. Yeah, we love Jamie. Well, let's take a
quick break and we'll come back with some questions. OK, guys,
(14:08):
and we're back. So our first caller today, Chelsea, is Lauren.
She lives right here in California and says, Dear Chelsea,
I am a child free woman who has three adult
step children ranging from thirty five to forty three years old.
I've been with my husband for twenty nine years. I've
given my all to being a good step parent, but
(14:30):
my step children expect a lot from me and don't reciprocate.
They do nothing for me for Mother's Day or my birthday.
But expect me to put on a Norman Rockwell holidays
for them while they don't contribute or do so minimally.
They also blame me, not their dad when they don't
get their way, such as when their dad and I
visit my family for one of the holidays. I've grown
resentful and don't want to be the family lightning rod anymore.
(14:53):
I've tried to communicate with them, but it has not
gone well. My thought is to disengage from them, but
that would be tricky. Been a supportive of me, but
he too is at a loss of what to do.
I'm again dreading the holidays this year, which really sucks.
I would appreciate any advice you have. Thank you. Lauren.
Speaker 4 (15:10):
Hi Hi, Lauren, Hi, Hi.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
How are you?
Speaker 6 (15:14):
I'm doing well?
Speaker 3 (15:15):
How are you just hanging on by a thread like
we all are during the holiday season?
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yes, truly.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
So it sounds like you don't know you're not looking
forward to your holidays.
Speaker 6 (15:27):
Well, I haven't the last few years and kind of
been doing a lot of soul searching about letting other
people decide what I'm going to be doing kind of
with my time, and you know, kind of need to
wanted to take back, like the joy you know of it,
and just feeling like sometimes you get kind of stuck
(15:48):
into what people think you should do. So you know,
there's a lot of expectations, which you know, you've talked
about with women about what we're supposed.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
To be doing.
Speaker 6 (15:58):
And you know, I'm a step pa and kind of
always been responsible person with my family and others.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
How many step children do you have?
Speaker 6 (16:08):
Three?
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Three?
Speaker 4 (16:09):
And how old were they when you guys got married.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
How old were the kids?
Speaker 6 (16:12):
Well, when I met my husband, we dated for quite
a while, but they were six eleven, fourteen and now
they're grown.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
So do they think of you as a parent figure?
What's the dynamic?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Like?
Speaker 6 (16:23):
Well, they do, but I feel like, and I know
I'm not ever going to be like at the level
of their parents, you know. I mean, I just feel
like I can take it for granted, it's not a
big deal. On my birthday or Mother's Day, they don't
plan anything, they don't do anything. I mean, I might
get flowers or something, and it's not that I want something,
(16:44):
but you know, just even saying, hey, let me take
you out for a cup of tea or a glass
of wine or something, and you know, it doesn't have
to be expensive. I don't. It's not that, it's just
kind of like Overlea, you just don't feel like you're yeah, yeah,
you feel I was just like just sort of like
I'm expected to do these things.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
And you know, and what of your previous conversations with them,
you said they didn't go well in the letter, like,
give us an example, tell us what happened.
Speaker 6 (17:09):
Well, it's kind of like they when I've told them.
I was talking to my stepdad with this Thanksgiving because
there was a big blow up because she found out
that we were supposed to go to my family and
I told my husband about it, and to be honest,
you know, I probably could have communicated better and said, hey,
you know because I told him, hey, you know, tell
them we're going to be my family, but we're here
(17:31):
for Christmas.
Speaker 4 (17:31):
And meaning they're not invited to your family's Thanksgiving.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Well they could, but they they're not. They're not going
to come. They're not going to make the effort to
get on a plane and go. And so they had
Thanksgiving up our house.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
With and without you.
Speaker 6 (17:48):
Yeah, and they all really like stepped up and like
they were calling it. They were like which they wouldn't
do with me. They would just kind of assume that
I was posting the whole thing. And so they called
my husband before I left and said, hey, yeah, so
you know we're going to do this. We're going to
do that. You know. My husband's like, I'll roast the turkey.
(18:13):
He called me on Thanksgiving and asked me how to
do it.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
I mean, well, and specifically, Lauren, I know you said
that even if it's hosted at one of the kids house,
they expect you to cook the entire meal and sort
of throw throw the whole party.
Speaker 6 (18:27):
Well, yeah, they going to my stepdaughter's house in another city.
She said, we can have it up there. But then
I'm kind of expected to come up and they don't
plan anything. I go to the grocery store and they're like, okay,
what are we going to do? And so, and you know,
I think I've kind of let it happen that way.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like you. Yeah,
so I.
Speaker 6 (18:52):
Take responsibility for that. But I'll throw out an email
saying what can you guys bring? And I don't hear anything,
and you know, like a couple days before and then
it's like okay, well, I don't know, you know, And
I said, then I have to kind of keep prodding them,
and it's.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
It's just it sounds like you haven't done a very
good job of creating any boundaries which I can relate to.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
I also am bad at creating boundaries, but you should.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
You need to, and clearly they stepped up and are
capable of doing it in your absence, so that they're
so now that you you know, you can use Thanksgiving
as a perfect example, like you guys really stepped up
over Thanksgiving. I would love for that to happen in
Christmas and actually moving forward on all holidays. It's a
lot of pressure on me to take care of everything.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
And you can also throw in there that you didn't
appreciate spending Thanksgiving without your husband, you know what I mean.
That's it's you don't have to spend every Thanksgiving with
you know, people split holidays all the time in divorces
with their children, especially the adult children. I mean, they're married,
They're going to go to their spouses at some point
for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You have to set a new
set of rules, like moving forward, This isn't your only burden.
(19:56):
You're happy to have them all, but you need help
and you need them to contry, and you have to
get better at communicating because you're you're not I can
tell that you haven't been.
Speaker 6 (20:05):
Yeah, I think I think that's fair. And I at
first was like, okay, well, you guys just decide what
you're going to do for the holidays and let me
know and I'll work around it. But then I realized, no,
you know, that's not okay, and I want to spend
at least one of the holidays with my husband. So
I just said, you know, we're going to do every
other holiday and if you guys want to come out,
you're always welcome, but you're going to have to make
(20:26):
your own plans on that. And they did say after Thanksgiving,
you know, I said, oh, it looks like you guys
did a great job on all the food, and they're like, yeah, well,
it just wasn't this. It was kind of hotchpotch. It
wasn't It wasn't as good as when you're there. And so,
you know, in fairness, they kind of recognize and it's like, well,
it doesn't have to be great, it doesn't have to
be you know whatever. I just you know, and so yeah,
(20:47):
I realize I have to get better at community, and
the more I've set the boundaries with them, I'm realizing
it's coming back in with good results both for them
and for me.
Speaker 4 (20:58):
It is.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Yeah, and this is a perfect jumping off point. This
is a perfect like turning point. Since you did opt
out for Thanksgiving to spend it with your own family,
and they noticed your absence and the impact it had
on the dinner, it's a perfect opportunity for you to go, Okay,
moving forward, let's all work together so that there's not
so I'm not responsible for everything, because it's really hard
to provide for everyone. You're talking about six people now, right,
(21:21):
are they all married up? Yes, we're significant other right,
so yeah, so that's not on you. And you didn't
have those fucking kids. Also, fuck, I mean, I'm so
sick of step parents having to do all this stuff.
You know, it's enough. Where's their mother? By the way,
she around? Wh don't they go be with her?
Speaker 6 (21:37):
She leaves on the other side of the country. They
see her at other times of the year.
Speaker 4 (21:41):
So when's your next holiday together? Christmas?
Speaker 6 (21:44):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (21:45):
I think to give you some specific boundaries that you
can set, whether you're hosting or someone else's hosting. I
think is perfectly fair to say in advance let them know, like, hey,
I'm going to make this one dish or these two dishes,
and I would love for you guys to all bring something.
Feel free to let me know what you're bringing, or
you can just bring something, but letting them know, like
the rest of the meal will be a group effort.
(22:07):
It will be on them to bring some things as well.
And the other thing is like, no one can force
us to do something without us actually doing it, right,
especially in this sort of circumstance where everyone expects you
to lay out this beautiful meal, but like you are
the one actually doing it. So on the day of,
if it winds up being a hodgepodge, that's okay. You
(22:29):
don't actually have to be the one to like step
in and save the day and make the mashed potatoes
and everything else. Let it be a little bit of
a hodgepodge, but say like, hey, I want to take
a little bit more of a backseat this year. I'm
going to make the turkey and the stuffing or whatever
your thing your two major things are, and say would
love for you guys to fill in the gaps with
your other favorite dishes.
Speaker 4 (22:47):
And it's not a request. It's like, you know, that's
how it's going to be.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Like you have to frame it in a way that
it's not a you're not asking, you're telling them.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yes, and then you don't do anything that you didn't
say you were going to do. The way the boundary
gets broken is by you then doing the thing you
said you weren't going to do. Right, So like, let
it be a little messy. This is this is something
I've learned with my with my in laws is I'll
be like, hey, here's how I think it should be done,
and then when I'm ignored, I just have to be
like okay, and then it's a little messy and guess what,
(23:18):
Like everything is fine? Is it ideal? Maybe not, but
it's fine.
Speaker 6 (23:22):
Yeah, I'm realizing because it's like I don't have that
kind of energy that I used to have. Kind of
the holidays have become like a day of work for me.
It's like a.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Work, right, It's like not fun and it's like preparing
the day before and.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
Yeah, listen, everyone reacts to boundaries initially like they're offended,
and then eventually it turns into respect and it's not
long after the first offense, like the feeling of offense.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
So I just just.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Set the boundaries, send an email, put it together, and
also have a little bit more oomph about what you're
gonna fucking do and what you're not gonna do.
Speaker 4 (23:56):
Don't let people take advantage of you.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
You have one life to live, like, enjoy yourself and
make sure people are respecting you and you feel good
about it, because then you're going to have a much
better experience too.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Yeah, looking forward to next year, people respond well to
knowing what the expectation should be. So maybe there's some
regularity you can do where it's like, Okay, Thanksgiving we
always been with my family, and Christmas we always spend
with your family, to your husband, to the kids. And
that can also be something that he's communicating.
Speaker 6 (24:24):
Yes, thank you, I really appreciate it, and I really
love the podcast.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Oh thanks Lauren. Get your shit together, okay, sister, Yes, okay, okay,
stronger okay, right bye.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Bye, And he says, dear Chelsea, I want to start
off by saying how much I look forward to your
podcast every week to always bring a smile to my face.
I'm writing in because my boyfriend of ten years, yes,
ten years, keeps hinting at an engagement. The funny story
is he's been hinting at it for so long now
it's starting to feel a little boy who cried wolf.
We had our son in October of twenty twenty, and
(24:57):
I suffered from severe postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. He
was not supportive during my struggle, and I have a
lot of resentment toward him because of it. I've been
with my therapist for a little under a year now,
and I'm working through all my postpartum issues. Through it all.
Whenever we argue, he tells me and to think I
bought you a ring and was going to propose. Oh God,
but I always thought he was bluffing. Recently, however, I
(25:20):
was cleaning his side of the closet and came across
a hidden area with a shirt crumpled into a ball.
I lifted the shirt to fold it and found a
jewelry box with an engagement ring inside of it. The
thing is, I felt nothing, and then I felt irritated
because of all the times he threw the idea of
a ring in my face. He doesn't know I found it,
and I'd like to keep it that way. But I
(25:41):
guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here?
I love him and I want our family to work,
but I'm tired of being the forever girlfriend, or, as
his sister so lovingly refers to me, the baby mama.
With the holidays looming, I fear the question is about
to be popped. Any advice is so appreciated, Annie, I
don't know. I think no, and should get married.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
I mean, why legally bind yourself to any person, But
when you have a child it becomes a different issue.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I think, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
It sounds like you should probably try counseling before you
make any decision, because him not being understanding of your
postpart of depression is a big red flag if he
doesn't get that right, and I mean, he needs to
understand why he's not empathetic enough. And also saying like
to think I was going to propose to you, That
doesn't sound like a loving thing that any partner ex
girls should ever say to someone. That's gross. So I
(26:28):
would try counseling. I would try that with him, and
if it doesn't.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Work, and I think counseling like with the intent of
like improving your relationship, not necessarily should we or shouldn't
we get married? Yeah, don't put so much pressure on that.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
I've been talking to a new therapist who's like, you know,
talking about one of our main issues is like not
trying to control the outcome of things, you know, especially
with relationships. Don't go into therapy thinking like we're gonna
fix everything. Go into therapy thinking we're gonna find out
if we belong together, you know, like taking it more
by moment and figuring out, like, because whatever the result is,
(27:03):
you're gonna be Okay. It's not going to be the
end of the world if you leave your boyfriend. Easier
actually when you're not married to leave him and I
understand that you have a child together, but like, your
happiness is paramount, and if you if you've been going
to counseling and you've been working on yourself, there's no
reason he shouldn't be going also individually and together. Not
with the idea that, okay, we're gonna fix it and
(27:23):
get married, with the idea.
Speaker 4 (27:24):
That, okay, this is where we are, let's talk about it.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
If we're compatible enough to stay together and work through
these issues and survive together, and you know, you don't
have to throw it out right away. But it's good
that you knew about the ring, you saw it, and
it's good that he said that to you, because it's
that's an icky thing to say, and that's one of
the first things you should bring up in therapy.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Now, if he does propose sort of all over the holidays,
oh with you, we would you preempt it and be like,
if you're thinking of asking, now is not the moment.
Let's go get some couples counseling.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
Yes, I would definitely say if you're thinking about proposing
to me, but it sounds like this guy's going to
pretend he never She could say, you know what you
should do. You should say, listen, I found the ring
in the closet. I know you've mentioned to me a
couple of times you were going to propose to me.
If you are thinking about proposing, I don't think this
is the time. I think we have some issues we
have to work through, and I want to take the
pressure off of you and me. We have the baby,
(28:17):
we're dealing with some stuff, and let's try and do
some couples counseling. And if after that we still feel
like we have a relationship, then we could talk about
getting married again, but take it off the table, because
then that kind of takes the pressure out of the
balloon or whatever for sure balloon.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
And also like that should be a boundary that you
guys set up in therapy, is like here are some
specific things you're not allowed to say to each other.
Brad and I have our specific thing, like very specific
lines of dialogue that we are never allowed to throw
out in a fight, and this should be one of them,
because he's like spoiled the idea of even getting married
for you. So that's something to unpack, but not in
(28:52):
a way of like should we or shouldn't we, in
a way of like this is a line of dialogue
I would love to have, just like it's not allowed
in our or in our relationship. Well, let us know
what happens and jump into some counseling. Well, our next
question comes from Jordan. We've got a bit of a
New Year's question, Chelsea. Jordan is calling in and the
(29:15):
subject line of his email is everyone keeps falling in
love with me, Dear Chelsea. I'm Jordan, thirty one from Melbourne, Australia,
and I'm queer. This past year has been a roller coaster.
I ended an eight year relationship, lost my father, quit
my job to return to university, and had my dog
pass away. So safe to say it's been a huge
year of change, growth and self discovery. I'm reaching out
(29:37):
for a relationship advice as we head into the new year.
I ended my long term relationship of eight years because
I wanted more personal growth and a shift in relationship preferences,
one being monogamy. Since then, I've unintentionally entered three more relationships,
admittedly a lot in ten months, despite my focus on
self discovery and avoiding commitment. All three I've ended, breaking
(29:57):
their hearts while I'm enjoying my current phase of exploration
aka being a slut. I keep falling into these relationships
even though I know it's the last thing I want
and need. Despite being open about my intentions and actively
avoiding dating, it keeps happening. I'm a people pleaser and
naturally connect with others, which might be contributing to this pattern.
Any advice on how to break the cycle would be
(30:19):
greatly appreciated. Jordan, Hi, Jordan, Hello, how are you Hi?
Speaker 4 (30:24):
You can't stop making people fall in love?
Speaker 2 (30:26):
With you, it is a bit of a problem.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Well can't you just keep your dick in your pants?
Speaker 2 (30:31):
No, I can't.
Speaker 8 (30:32):
I did for eight years in my relationship, which you know,
As I said in my letter, I'm now at a
point in my life for the first time in my
life where I actually like myself and I think I'm
quite attractive. So I want to be able to explore that.
You know, I'm in a really good place with myself
and want to keep doing that kind of stuff, but
then just keep falling into these they are quite beautiful
(30:54):
relationships with people, but knowing that it's really not something
that I want or need at this time.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
Well, okay, so I mean I'm off for like having
fun affairs with people without getting too attached. I'm with
you on that, But so when you start to get attached,
what are you thinking? Why do you continue hanging out
with them because you're just having a good time.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
Because, yeah, because it's really nice.
Speaker 8 (31:19):
I find myself having these connections with people where I
can just fully be myself, where I feel really comfortable
with them, where I have similar similar likes and we
can do nice things together and we have great sex,
And then I kind of get to this point where
I'm like, shit, it's it would be really hard to
kind of end this right now, and I think I
would really really miss it. And then if I do
(31:41):
kind of cut things off, am I then just going
to fall into the same thing with someone else?
Speaker 5 (31:47):
Well okay, so what's the problem with that that you're
breaking everyone's heart?
Speaker 8 (31:51):
Is that your well, well, no, there's kind of multiple problems.
It's that you know, I ended my year relationship. But
one of the reasons why I did was because I
really wanted to spend more time more time with myself,
and I wanted to have more independence, and I wanted
to be selfish and think about myself because you know,
being with someone for eight years, you always want to
kind of put them first and you want to think
(32:13):
about them a lot. And then all of the little
relationships I've forgotten into this year, I find myself putting
that other person first and then putting myself second, and
I end up, I don't know, I end up almost
frustrated or almost resenting them that I have to kind
of put them first, and I then will make an
active decision where I say, you know, I'm not going
(32:33):
to go dating anyone I'm going to try and just
have little flings on the side, maybe make some friends,
and then just suddenly, suddenly it happens and I'm in
another I'm in another situation with someone.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Okay, well, this is all your fault, Like, you know,
you have to set a boundary with yourself because you're
bound you can't follow your own Like you have to decide, okay,
if you don't want people to fall in love with you,
if you don't want to break people's hearts and you're
having you want to have a casual sex, like you
have to be very clear, which I'm sure you're being.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
Are you being clear upfront? Like I'm not in this
for a relationship?
Speaker 2 (33:07):
I am, And it made it even harder.
Speaker 8 (33:08):
With the last relationship that I had, or the last
longer one, which was I think or seven or eight months,
was that I was pretty open throughout our relationship and
I said, look, I'm in a really tough place where
I love you and have a great connection with you,
but I also don't think this is what I wanted
the moment. But then the relationship kind of continued on
even though I was open about that.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Yeah, I think you have to be firmer with people.
If you really are not interested in pursuing a relationship
with someone who is getting attached to you, the most
compassionate thing you can do is to just cut it off,
unless you have no problem going through life just breaking
a bunch of people's hearts. I don't think like karmically
that's really what you want to do. What it sounds
like you want to do is have a lot of
casual sex with different people while getting to know yourself better.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
And there's nothing wrong with that, you know, But when.
Speaker 3 (33:53):
You go out with someone multiple times and you know,
like we all know, when someone's more interested in a
relationship than we are, and you need to be like
decent enough that when you recognize that, you pull back
and say, okay, let me cut this off now. Don't
let it linger on and on, even when you've said
it and they're like, okay, because listen, I've been on
(34:14):
the receiving side of that. I'm sure you have too,
where somebody's like, oh, I'm not looking for anything serious,
and you think, well, they'll change their mind if you know,
if they don't see me for a while, or if
you know with me, I'm different.
Speaker 5 (34:26):
Everyone thinks that they can change somebody. So if you
stay with someone.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
After you've told them that you're not serious, then that
leads them to believe that they are changing your mind,
and that's just making a bigger mess of things. So
the boundary that you have is with yourself, like you
have to stop it, you know, make an amount, like
you're not going to see somebody more than three times,
so that nobody gets attached to anybody until you're ready
for an actual relationship. And this way, nobody can be
(34:52):
that mad at you after three dates. Nobody's going to
be like I was in love with you after three dates,
and if they are, then that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
I'm away.
Speaker 8 (35:00):
Yeah, And I think that's what my ex said as well.
When I broke up. They were like, you know, I
gave you the opportunity to leave, and then I felt
like that you were still in this and then it
just kind of dragged on and on. And I think
a big part of me kind of staying in these
things comes down to spending the majority of my life
feeling really insecure, feeling like I wasn't attractive, feeling like
I was unlovable, and then I think suddenly having someone
(35:22):
come in and be like.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
This person really likes me, multiple people like me. This
is good. I need to cling to this.
Speaker 8 (35:29):
It's I think it's it's those you know, twenty eight
years or thirty years of me feeling like I can't
have that, I don't deserve that, and then suddenly it happens, and.
Speaker 3 (35:38):
I think, I'm like, what's happening is it's a great example,
Like that's great people like you, so like, just you
don't need others people's validation of how special you are
anyway you do, because you've been dehydrated from it from
during your eight year relationship. My girlfriend is also experiencing this.
She's dating somebody and he's.
Speaker 5 (35:56):
All over her like so considerate, making all these plans
for her, and she's and he's like, you know, so
into her, and she's just like, I've never been treated
this nicely and it's annoying, like I'm not attracted to it,
and I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
You know it's so typical. But listen, you're attracting a
lot of people. That's a great thing. Be respectful of
other people and their feelings, and most importantly, respect yourself.
Don't spread yourself so thin like this like, if you
don't have the capacity for a relationship, don't lead anyone
down that road, you know, And that's just a good
way karmically for you to behave for when you are
ready for your next relationship, and that way you're going
(36:32):
to be treated with respect because you don't want someone
coming into your life and messing with your emotions in
that way. I mean, look how it made you feel
for eight years.
Speaker 7 (36:40):
Absolutely, I think there's almost a sense of life almost
as it's a fomo as well, when I meet these
really beautiful people that suddenly I'm like, oh, but then
this person then won't be in my life and that'll
be really sad, and then I'm missing out on that connection.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Well, you can still have them in your life, just
like not in a sexual way for a little while.
And I think if there is someone that you can't
stop thinking of six months down the road or three
months down the road, then like that is your gut
telling you to go back and explore something a little
bit more.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
Mmmmm.
Speaker 8 (37:11):
And I think with the last day year relationship, I
thought I could change myself. I spent the entire time
being like I don't think this is what I want,
but I like this person, therefore, I'm going to really
try and change it. And I just got to the
end and I was like, I really tried to change
how I was feeling, and I just I just couldn't.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
I couldn't do it.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Something I get a sense about from you is that
you're very good at mirroring, and you talk about being
very good at people pleasing or that's like your m
is people pleasing, and I do wonder, I wonder if
you're seeing somebody, if you're seeing a therapist, is sort
of like unpack some of this because getting rid of
the people pleasing stuff to a healthy degree has been
super life changing for me over the last.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Are you in therapy, because now it would be a
good time to start.
Speaker 8 (37:47):
Yeah, yeah, Look, I've had a pretty crazy year and
I hadn't been working for a while so we can
come and money was a thing. And now I'm finally
in a position or about to be in a position
where I'm like, great, I can.
Speaker 2 (37:57):
At the top of my priority list.
Speaker 8 (37:58):
I need to talk about my shit it because after
everything that's happened this year, I've kind of been just
pushing it all down and being like I'm totally fine
and I just know that it needs to just word
vomit onto someone and really unpack it because I know
that I know that there's a lot in them to.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
Yeah, and like think about your motivations for things too,
Like you know what's your intention every time?
Speaker 4 (38:18):
It's good to take it down a notch.
Speaker 3 (38:20):
You're talking about getting to know yourself and then you're
talking about getting lost in a bunch of other people.
So those are two conflicting ideas. Also, you know, if
you really want to get in touch with yourself, you
should slow it down and fuck the fomo. It's not
about missing out when you're trying to get to know yourself.
It's about putting a deposit into your mental health for
the future and for your future relationships. So be very
(38:41):
generous with your care for others and also be very
generous with your care for yourself.
Speaker 8 (38:46):
Yeah, I think I do keep putting other people's feelings
and emotions before my own when I get into these things.
Speaker 4 (38:51):
Yeah, sactly be a selfish act as well.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
Even though it sounds like selfless, it can actually be
a selfish thing when you're putting other peoples because that
creates resentment, that creates all sorts of other emotions, and
it's kind of like you think, like you're being drama. Yeah,
it's a little like dramatic because you're creating drama, Like
I do all of this like I'm doing this for you.
Speaker 4 (39:13):
I'm doing this for you.
Speaker 3 (39:14):
You're kind of taking the responsibility off of yourself when
it's your responsibility, you know.
Speaker 4 (39:19):
So I think you need to get your head out.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Of your ass a little bit, get focused, get a
good therapist, and just calm down a little bit. Just
calm down. You don't need to fuck everybody. You can
fuck a couple of people. Don't get involved with anybody
when you're not emotionally available. You want to have a
good time, go ahead and have it, that's all you,
and then spend some time alone, spend quality time with
yourself alone.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
You mentioned that somebody you're dating has a primary partner,
and like, maybe that's a good route for you right now.
Is like not somebody who's gonna be like, oh my god,
I'm falling alone, someone who already has told you their
boundary is that's my primary person. You're the side piece
and kind of following that a little bit, Yeah.
Speaker 8 (39:59):
I think that's why I'm feeling a little bit more
kind of comfortable with the one that's happening at the moment,
is because I know that it's I don't know.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
I know that there's somewhat of.
Speaker 8 (40:06):
A boundary there already from them, so it means that
I can't track them down with me.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Yeah. Well, Jordan, on a completely superficial note, I will say,
you are now very hot, and uh, you don't need
to worry that you're not anymore.
Speaker 8 (40:20):
Oh god, thank you so much. Even at six staty
in the morning.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
Oh yeah, he's in Melbourne, so it's very early. Oh
rise and shine. Yeah, I'll be there.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
I'm coming to Melbourne. I just announced my Australia dates.
Speaker 8 (40:31):
I saw I'll be moving to the Netherlands though in June,
so I'm going to miss you and I'm really freshed.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
So you're moving in the Netherlands. Oh there you go.
Well that'll be nice. Switch a Rooney too. There you go, Yes,
all right, Jordan, keep us posted.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Thank you so much, Thank you, bye bye bye.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
I mean, he is so good at mirroring. I think
he and I are dating at the end of that call,
so I think we have time for like one more question,
Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty six year old woman with
a great career, great family and friends, and a kick
ass dog. The one thing in my life I can't
sort out are my romantic relationships. I've been married and divorced,
(41:06):
no kids, and been in serial long term relationships for
most of my twenties and thirties. I promise myself a
year of celibacy and focusing on myself, and when that
year was up in August, I dipped my toe back
in the dating apps. I soon met my current boyfriend.
We took it slow, and after three months of dating,
are an official couple and very serious about each other.
It feels great, healthy and mature. Thank you therapy. So
(41:27):
what's the problem. My track record of relationship train wrecks
has scarred my parents so badly. They're no longer interested
in meeting or getting to know this wonderful man I'm
not dating.
Speaker 3 (41:38):
They were like, I remember once one year, They're like,
you're not allowed to bring friends or lovers on They
all my friends. I'd always bring some gay guy home
with me that would like ruin the get so wasted, or.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Do something suck all the air out of the room.
I always come with one gay man. My dad refuses
to even hear anything about my dating life, since he
says he's sick of hearing about it. It should be
noted that after his second divorce, I listened to and
supported him through his many ill advised rebounds, But I digress.
My mom, who I am extremely close to and love immensely,
(42:12):
is normally inviting and eager to welcome any guest into
her home, but she told me she does not want
my boyfriend to visit with me during the holidays. Her
exact words were, I can't get close to someone when
we both know it likely isn't going to work out. Ouch.
I feel like the ultimate loser asshole whose entire family
collectively rolls their eyes when they announce her seeing someone
new wouldn't surprise me. If there's a when will Sarah
(42:33):
shit the bet on this one pool? I'd made plans
with my boyfriend for him to spend two days with
me at my mom's house and have had now to
call and uninvite him and explain that my own family
thinks these things about me. I'm writing this letter after
crying into my pillow like a little bit after that conversation.
I mean, who wants to be with someone even their
own family thinks is such a loser. How can I
(42:54):
cope with this and change my family's perspective? Is it
even worth it? Are they right to set these boundaries?
And am I being a huge baby about all of this? Help?
See and see, I know you'll give it to me straight.
Speaker 3 (43:05):
I would say to this that you should respect your
family's wishes on this one. The only way to change
your family's mind about you is to start changing your behavior.
And by changing your behavior means not bringing someone to
the holiday, since that is your pattern. Just don't you
already uninvented your boyfriend great or you know, the new guy,
and just respect your family's wishes and then show them
(43:27):
a change, like if in six months you guys are
still together, then you can introduce him. Don't prematurely introduce
people to your family that they because that's what you've done,
and just show them over time by going to Christmas
without him, you're showing that you're respecting their wishes. And
that's the first step in saying like, Okay, I hear
what you're saying, and I do want to make a change.
Speaker 1 (43:47):
And this is my first demonstration of that. Totally agree.
I think the proof is in the pudding. And so
hopefully next year when you guys are still together and
you say like you show them like, hey, we've been
together almost a year and bring them along. I think
that's all you gotta do. This is a wait and see.
But go have a great time for the holidays, and
you know, you can talk about how great your boyfriend is,
(44:08):
but save your parents the heartache if there is. Yeah,
hopefully there won't be show out Chellam. Yes, well, Chelsea,
this has been very fun and I'm excited for you
to spend some time up shushing in the snow.
Speaker 3 (44:20):
And yeah, I have to get my birthday ready. Start
time to start brainstorming my birthday video.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Yay, very excited.
Speaker 4 (44:26):
Okay, thank you everybody, We'll be back. We love you.
Have a happy holiday everybody.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
Thank you so much for listening, and thanks for all
the favorite podcast dms and mentions we got. And I
love that we have so many fans everywhere. At all
my shows on the road, everyone's always coming up talking
about the podcast, So I really appreciate everyone listening all
the time.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
I'm glad we have a community. Yeah, it's fantastic, and
you know. If you haven't left a review, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
And leave one, leave a review or write a call
in you know. If you want advice, feel free please
do We always need callers.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
Chelsea. Do have some new dates for us? Oh you know,
I do?
Speaker 6 (45:02):
You know?
Speaker 1 (45:02):
I do?
Speaker 5 (45:03):
I have a lot of We added lots of Canadian cities, Canadians,
I'm coming.
Speaker 1 (45:09):
We added.
Speaker 5 (45:12):
About fifteen new tour dates. I'm coming to Denver again,
Salt Lake City, Vancouver, Richmond, Virginia, Santa Rosa, California, Gary
and Diana, Baltimore, Rona, New York and about seven dates
in Canada. So go to Chelseahandler dot com. I am
performing everywhere. I will be on tour all for the
(45:34):
rest of the year through December, and then next year
I'm going to be touring all year.
Speaker 4 (45:39):
So come and get it, you guys.
Speaker 5 (45:41):
It's good times and it's a very much needed reprieve
from all the fucking madness that's going on in this world.
So I'm here to bring joy and sunshine.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law, and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com
Hi, Hi Catherine. Oh hi Chelsea, Hi, I still have
deep throat boys. Oh my gosh, Chelsea, where are you now?
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Well?
Speaker 3 (00:08):
I just did a road trip mm hmm with my
new dog, Mochi, who's a five year old child.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
I saw a picture of him and he is pretty
much the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
He's a big, fat baby. He's seventy pounds, so it's
exactly my body type. And I took him and Bernice
and he had never flown before, so his family didn't
want him anymore because they had a baby or something.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
So I had to pick him up.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
And he had never been on a plane, so I
didn't want to freak him out because you know, like
and fly him up to Whistler. But no one in
my family thought I could do it. Everyone's like, do
not go on a road trip from LA to Whistler, Chelsea,
like yourself with Bernice and Mochi meeting for the first
time and then in a car together for I mean
two days.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
Basically, I went through to San Francisco.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
I stayed with my sister one night, and then my
friend Kelly from Whistler was like, let me come down
and meet you. You're not competent enough to drive yourself
to Whistler. And I was like, no, because all I
wanted to do was be alone and bond with my dogs.
But you can't really bond with a new dog when
you're driving, right. Bernie's is a good girl, and I
was gonna leave her behind this winter because my Belle.
(01:11):
She's happy at my Bell's and she's got Felix, her boyfriend, who's.
Speaker 5 (01:14):
Our dog guy at the house. But she's just been
looking so cute lately.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
I just couldn't bear this might be her last year
with us. She's older, but she's so cute.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
She's really scrumpshot.
Speaker 4 (01:26):
So I had to take her.
Speaker 5 (01:27):
I had to take her, and if she doesn't, I'm
going to stay until I've towed the Critics' Choice Awards. Oh,
by the way, I just announced new dates in Australia, everybody,
and New Zealand, so take a look at those on
Chelseahandler dot com.
Speaker 4 (01:38):
And I am coming to Salt Lake City.
Speaker 3 (01:40):
There are tickets for that, and all my Canadian dates
are this winter, so you know, follow me and you'll
find out anyway.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Bernice is she's a good traveler.
Speaker 3 (01:49):
She is, actually she doesn't want any trouble. She just
like wants to mind her business. And she's good with
other dogs. Yeah, she gets annoyed if they like, you know, come.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Like bother her, but she's good.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:00):
So I have a new family and we'll see how long.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
And oh what I was saying is if it doesn't
work out like with Brinice doesn't like Whistler and she's
not into the snow. There's not a lot of snow
here yet, m m, then I will take her back
in January when I come.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Back to the beach.
Speaker 6 (02:13):
Choice.
Speaker 3 (02:14):
But Mochi's going to stay with me, and they'll keep
each other company when I'm skiing and doing my bad
parenting exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
They can be each other's pack. Well, Chelsea, I know
you usually do family stuff for the holidays. Is there
anything you're looking forward to?
Speaker 4 (02:26):
Oh, you know what's happening this year.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I'm moving out of my house so I can move
into a bigger house that I had to rent for
my family.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
So that's what I'm doing. You're a new house that
just got finished or no, your house was no, no.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
No, because that's never going to be finished.
Speaker 4 (02:38):
That's in la. I just saw that house.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
And it's still not done. Just although it's going to
be gorgeous, just in time for me to move to
New York City.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Excellent.
Speaker 4 (02:46):
But I've already lost interest in that house. It's taken
so long.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Anytime anything takes long, I can't I've lost interest.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
I don't care. Well, it's hard to be like, have
the same passion for something that you had three years ago.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
I bought that I ordered the floors for that house
two years ago.
Speaker 3 (03:00):
That is years ago, so obviously, like, but Carla is
staying back and she is battening down the hatches.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
She's whipping everyone into shape.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
So there's been more progress progress, I'm saying because I'm
saying it like that now because I'm in Canada, and
there's been more progress since she's been staying behind, So
that's been helpful.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Good.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, I think she'll whip everybody into shape and gets
shipped done.
Speaker 3 (03:21):
So my family arrives momentarily, you know, in a couple
of days, and then we have a house for a week,
and then they leave and then I have like three
weeks off before my next date in Vancouver or Kelowna
or Edmonton, wherever the hell I'm going next.
Speaker 4 (03:35):
Yeah, it sounds like I do need it.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
I do need it, get into bed and then like
not move for at least a week of that. I
know that's I can't wait.
Speaker 3 (03:42):
I need sleep and skis and skis skis will rejuvenate me.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Today is our holiday episode, Chelsea.
Speaker 4 (03:49):
Which holiday are we celebrating.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
We're celebrating all of them, Kanza, Christmas, all the things Anica.
We have some holiday themed questions. Some callers talking about
the new year. Okay, great, Yes, So my fifteen year
old nephew and I'm not sure if anyone else in
my family realizes what he has asked for. And he's like,
not into drugs whatever, but he asked for a book
(04:13):
on finding psilocybin mushrooms in the forest. You know that,
the mushroom guy, Paul Stamitz. He asked for a book
from him, and I was like, I told my sister,
I'm like, oh, I'm going to get that for him,
thinking she didn't know what it was. And she's like, oh, no,
Grandma's gonna get that for him. So he wants a
psilocybin book and everyone's fine, that's.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
Fine, who cares, I mean, let everybody. The more educated
people are about drugs the better.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
I kind of agree, and I said, I would like
to supplement that with How to Change Your Mind. Yeah,
that's a good book, right, which is by Michael polland
Michael Pollin. Yeah, by Michael Pollan. And then my sister
was like, no, wait till he's twenty. I'm like, but
it's not something that makes you want to do drugs.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
It's just everybody, no, exactly, it's good to be educated. Also,
that's what I gave everybody. That's Christmas. I gave everybody
two books. That's what I sent out for Christmas gifts,
The Great Alone and Atomic Habits.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Oh fantastic, very different books.
Speaker 3 (05:08):
So that, yeah, that's my gift to everyone. I'm just
only giving books out from now on.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah, I think that's good.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
M hmm.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
I'm still reading Tomorrow, Tomorrow, tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
But I mean, I'm just not that interested in that book,
even though everyone else loves it so much.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Oh see, I started it and I'm very into it.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
Really, it was so interesting about it, you know.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
What, I because I knew you said this a couple
of weeks ago.
Speaker 5 (05:26):
And I've never taken It's never taken me longer to
read a book. But that's also really writing my book.
So I'm writing a book, so my focus is really there,
and then in between I read.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah, I feel like it reads a little like a
genreving book, where it's really just about the character development
and sort of their interaction. I don't know. I like it.
Speaker 5 (05:43):
But it's about gaming. It's it's all about gaming. Everyone
kept saying, it's not that. Don't worry, it's not about gaming.
It's all about gaming.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Yeah, I'm only about a quarter of the way through,
but like it's sort of about I don't know. I
feel like it's about games as informs their relationship. That's
what I'm getting from. But I'm also only a quarter
of the way through.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Yeah, I mean, I don't know how far I am.
I don't think i'm more than halfway through either, but
I guess i'll finish it.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Well, that's on everyone else's your endless but we'll not
put it on your year end list. No, no, no, no,
I know.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
Yeah, but the grade alone I will always recommend and
circ Yeah, yeah, you love that one.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
I have that book. I'm going to read that again.
I haven't read it. I picked it up in a
bookstore the other day and I just I read a
few pages and I didn't know if like the prose
was for me. But I don't know.
Speaker 5 (06:26):
Maybe I should give it a try. Oh from the beginning, Yeah,
it's you got to get into it. That's like a
fantasy book. Yeah, Greek mythology.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
But I'm not into that either. But I loved it.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I love the use her just her writing is so powerful,
like she just knows how to finish a sentence or
write a sentence.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Speaking of your end lists, are there any like movies,
TV books that you experience this year that you love
and want to recommend?
Speaker 3 (06:46):
Well, I need to watch all those movies for the Critics'
Choice Awards.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
I haven't seen any of the movies yet. I only
saw My Maestro.
Speaker 3 (06:53):
Yeah, yeah, I saw that at a friend's house because
she was screening it.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And that was really good.
Speaker 4 (06:57):
That Carrie Mulligan, it's fucking awesome.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
She is just a yeah she is. Yeah, she's in
it and she's so good too. I love a period
piece Sarah Silverman, like she was in Masters of Sex.
I'm like dressed all nineteen fifties and yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:13):
Yeah, she does some good movie choices.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah, she's fantastic. I did watch May December, which is
how is that.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
I've heard mixed reviews about that.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
It's very camp, but it's really interesting and I think
like it's very interesting to watch from like an acting standpoint,
and the story is really good. It's a lot about manipulation.
It's interesting too because you have all these like incredible
actors and yet the music is almost like TV movie music,
(07:44):
Like it's very dunt dun dun duh, and it's a
very chousic is off.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
That's what they said, that it doesn't add up to
the movies.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
Yeah, but see, I I loved that choice because there's
sort of like a revelation at the end. You understand
why they sort of made that sort of cheesy choice.
But the acting is incredible, the story is really good.
There's a lot of manipulation and you kind of like
power dynamics shifting and it's really cool. Yea's really cool.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Well, I've been watching a lot of TV, but I
can't even remember what I'm watching.
Speaker 4 (08:13):
I'm watching The Gilded Age.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
That what I'm watching. I haven't seen the second season yet,
but I don't even know what I'm watching half the time.
Speaker 4 (08:19):
I Mean, I just.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Don't even know.
Speaker 4 (08:21):
Yeah, I mean, sometimes I'm paying attention. Sometimes I'm not.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
When I came home from my last dight in Ottawa,
which was so fun, Toronto crowds were so awesome, Otta
was I was so awesome. I landed on a Sunday,
went out thinking I was dying.
Speaker 4 (08:34):
On the Sunday, I'm dying.
Speaker 3 (08:36):
I was like, oh my god, No, I was so sick,
and I had two Christmas things to go do, and
I was like, I kept trying to get out of
both of them. I ended up getting home at two
am Sunday night at two am, this is last week.
Then Monday, I had another thing. I had a goop
thing for Gwyneth, and then I had another thing, and
then we went out to dinner, and I and I
(08:56):
went out again, and then it's just it was non stop.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Give yourself a bedtime.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
I know, I don't know what I think I'm doing anymore.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
I'm like, I think I'm thirty thirty years old and
I'm not thirty years old, and I need like I
need to I need like a pump of adrenaline or something. Yeah,
you know, but you know I need a shot of energy.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
The best thing to give you that is just.
Speaker 4 (09:15):
Like a ball is what I need? I need an
eight ball? Who has an eight ball?
Speaker 2 (09:19):
No?
Speaker 1 (09:20):
You know what you got to do the suburban speedball,
which is like your first drink is an espresso Martini
and then you do something out.
Speaker 4 (09:26):
Espresso Martini's fucking work.
Speaker 5 (09:28):
They wake you up, They wake you up, and then
you have a butt and it's great.
Speaker 2 (09:33):
Uh huh.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
You can't do too many of that because then you'll
be up all night or your heart could explode. Like
these people who drank these extreme lemonades. Have you heard
about this?
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Who?
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yes, at this particular fast food chain. I'm not going
to say which one, but two people have died after
drinking these cafinated lemonades. Is it like a red bull?
Speaker 4 (09:51):
It's like a red so they had a heart attack.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Yep, he had a heart attack and died. Two people
have died after drinking men.
Speaker 4 (09:56):
Did they take they recall them?
Speaker 7 (09:58):
No?
Speaker 1 (09:58):
I don't think Yeah, I don't think they've it yet.
We don't know if that was what caused it. But
they died. Doesn't sound like a positive situation. Oh, it's
all crazy anyway, don't drink over caffee to drinks everybody. Okay, well,
should we go to some callers. I also have some
follow ups. Okay, so Chelsea, you know, we have our
(10:21):
NYC girls who are child free and have been chatting,
and I've been putting them all together. They started like
a WhatsApp group and they're all chatting. Well, they got
together for the first time and we got a really
sweet email from them. I love it. Yes, and Courtney
was the one who sent this in. She said, thank
you so much for taking the time to connect this
(10:42):
group of women, and it was so energizing to meet
for brunch in NYC this past weekend. Turns out we
all feel like black sheep, oftentimes for more reasons than
just choosing to be child free or single. We're all
independent and successful in our own right. Some have partners
and others are struggling in the dating scene. We're often
the ones paving various paths away from the norms we
(11:04):
come from, and uniting for brunch today felt like a
new home. It's so refreshing to have a community that
we rather seamlessly fit into, and we all thank you
and Chelsea for uniting us via her podcast. That meeting
launched plans to travel, to play sports, have trivia nights,
to help promote each other and our businesses to drink
and eat together from here. Thank you and happy holidays.
(11:27):
Love the NYC Child Free Crew. You've united. Ps. The
table behind us had maybe twenty people, at least half
were toddlers. And of course this was a total shit show.
We couldn't help but realize the sheer comedy of it all.
No regrets, how is wee? Oh wow, I know, look
at these fabulous women.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
Oh my god, No, that's so cool.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Very happy for them. There have been a couple ladies
who've reached out about Chicago. So Chicago, if you want
to start a group, let me know, and then I
have one other. This feels like a fun holiday surprise,
though it's not exactly holiday. But Brooke had written in
way back on our Jamie Green Burke ep and she
was struggling with infertility and looking for ways to be positive.
(12:11):
So you and Jamie gave her some really good advice.
She says, You're Chelsea. I wanted to thank you for
taking the time to chat with me, offer advice and
let me share the story of my miscarriage. It was
so helpful to hear the perspectives from three different women.
Jamie I'd especially like to thank you for sharing your
personal story as well. Since we talked, I'm happy to
(12:31):
report I have good news to share. My rainbow baby
girl is finally here. She was born in March a
Pisces like you, ladies, which we love, and Chelsea, I
know you'll be proud of me. For the first time ever,
I started speaking to a therapist on a weekly basis
who specialize in perinatal and maternal anxiety. It's been helpful
to gain tools for helping myself de escalate and relax
(12:52):
in my times of spiraling, and I know that toning
down my overthinking mind is good for both me and
the baby. So I'm doing everything i can. The meditation
thing I'm still working on, but I've come to love
long walking meditations with my daughter and the stroller. Thank
you again. I can't get enough of your podcast and
still tune in every week. Keep doing what you're doing.
Speaker 5 (13:11):
Brook, That's great, Yes, Jamie, Jamie listens to every podcast,
So Jamie, way to go, Jamie.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
You finally have contributed something to the world. You you
ladies got Brooke pregnant.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Jamie's recently got kicked off of her own daughter's softball
team because she's in one of those sideline moms.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Well she didn't get kicked off, but.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
She has to stop going to games for her daughter's
mental health. She's she's such an asshole. At the games
that she had. Her daughter was like, she goes, I
don't think I'm going to come to any games anymore,
and her daughter's like, I think that's best.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Oh no, I think old is so ridiculous. She's so competitive.
Oh my god. I knew she really enjoyed going to these,
but I didn't know it was like that. Yeah, I know,
I guess. Yeah, we love Jamie. Well, let's take a
quick break and we'll come back with some questions. OK, guys,
(14:08):
and we're back. So our first caller today, Chelsea, is Lauren.
She lives right here in California and says, Dear Chelsea,
I am a child free woman who has three adult
step children ranging from thirty five to forty three years old.
I've been with my husband for twenty nine years. I've
given my all to being a good step parent, but
(14:30):
my step children expect a lot from me and don't reciprocate.
They do nothing for me for Mother's Day or my birthday.
But expect me to put on a Norman Rockwell holidays
for them while they don't contribute or do so minimally.
They also blame me, not their dad when they don't
get their way, such as when their dad and I
visit my family for one of the holidays. I've grown
resentful and don't want to be the family lightning rod anymore.
(14:53):
I've tried to communicate with them, but it has not
gone well. My thought is to disengage from them, but
that would be tricky. Been a supportive of me, but
he too is at a loss of what to do.
I'm again dreading the holidays this year, which really sucks.
I would appreciate any advice you have. Thank you. Lauren.
Speaker 4 (15:10):
Hi Hi, Lauren, Hi, Hi.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
How are you?
Speaker 6 (15:14):
I'm doing well?
Speaker 3 (15:15):
How are you just hanging on by a thread like
we all are during the holiday season?
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yes, truly.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
So it sounds like you don't know you're not looking
forward to your holidays.
Speaker 6 (15:27):
Well, I haven't the last few years and kind of
been doing a lot of soul searching about letting other
people decide what I'm going to be doing kind of
with my time, and you know, kind of need to
wanted to take back, like the joy you know of it,
and just feeling like sometimes you get kind of stuck
(15:48):
into what people think you should do. So you know,
there's a lot of expectations, which you know, you've talked
about with women about what we're supposed.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
To be doing.
Speaker 6 (15:58):
And you know, I'm a step pa and kind of
always been responsible person with my family and others.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
How many step children do you have?
Speaker 6 (16:08):
Three?
Speaker 1 (16:08):
Three?
Speaker 4 (16:09):
And how old were they when you guys got married.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
How old were the kids?
Speaker 6 (16:12):
Well, when I met my husband, we dated for quite
a while, but they were six eleven, fourteen and now
they're grown.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
So do they think of you as a parent figure?
What's the dynamic?
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Like?
Speaker 6 (16:23):
Well, they do, but I feel like, and I know
I'm not ever going to be like at the level
of their parents, you know. I mean, I just feel
like I can take it for granted, it's not a
big deal. On my birthday or Mother's Day, they don't
plan anything, they don't do anything. I mean, I might
get flowers or something, and it's not that I want something,
(16:44):
but you know, just even saying, hey, let me take
you out for a cup of tea or a glass
of wine or something, and you know, it doesn't have
to be expensive. I don't. It's not that, it's just
kind of like Overlea, you just don't feel like you're yeah, yeah,
you feel I was just like just sort of like
I'm expected to do these things.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
And you know, and what of your previous conversations with them,
you said they didn't go well in the letter, like,
give us an example, tell us what happened.
Speaker 6 (17:09):
Well, it's kind of like they when I've told them.
I was talking to my stepdad with this Thanksgiving because
there was a big blow up because she found out
that we were supposed to go to my family and
I told my husband about it, and to be honest,
you know, I probably could have communicated better and said, hey,
you know because I told him, hey, you know, tell
them we're going to be my family, but we're here
(17:31):
for Christmas.
Speaker 4 (17:31):
And meaning they're not invited to your family's Thanksgiving.
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Well they could, but they they're not. They're not going
to come. They're not going to make the effort to
get on a plane and go. And so they had
Thanksgiving up our house.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
With and without you.
Speaker 6 (17:48):
Yeah, and they all really like stepped up and like
they were calling it. They were like which they wouldn't
do with me. They would just kind of assume that
I was posting the whole thing. And so they called
my husband before I left and said, hey, yeah, so
you know we're going to do this. We're going to
do that. You know. My husband's like, I'll roast the turkey.
(18:13):
He called me on Thanksgiving and asked me how to
do it.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
I mean, well, and specifically, Lauren, I know you said
that even if it's hosted at one of the kids house,
they expect you to cook the entire meal and sort
of throw throw the whole party.
Speaker 6 (18:27):
Well, yeah, they going to my stepdaughter's house in another city.
She said, we can have it up there. But then
I'm kind of expected to come up and they don't
plan anything. I go to the grocery store and they're like, okay,
what are we going to do? And so, and you know,
I think I've kind of let it happen that way.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like you. Yeah,
so I.
Speaker 6 (18:52):
Take responsibility for that. But I'll throw out an email
saying what can you guys bring? And I don't hear anything,
and you know, like a couple days before and then
it's like okay, well, I don't know, you know, And
I said, then I have to kind of keep prodding them,
and it's.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
It's just it sounds like you haven't done a very
good job of creating any boundaries which I can relate to.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
I also am bad at creating boundaries, but you should.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
You need to, and clearly they stepped up and are
capable of doing it in your absence, so that they're
so now that you you know, you can use Thanksgiving
as a perfect example, like you guys really stepped up
over Thanksgiving. I would love for that to happen in
Christmas and actually moving forward on all holidays. It's a
lot of pressure on me to take care of everything.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
And you can also throw in there that you didn't
appreciate spending Thanksgiving without your husband, you know what I mean.
That's it's you don't have to spend every Thanksgiving with
you know, people split holidays all the time in divorces
with their children, especially the adult children. I mean, they're married,
They're going to go to their spouses at some point
for Thanksgiving or Christmas. You have to set a new
set of rules, like moving forward, This isn't your only burden.
(19:56):
You're happy to have them all, but you need help
and you need them to contry, and you have to
get better at communicating because you're you're not I can
tell that you haven't been.
Speaker 6 (20:05):
Yeah, I think I think that's fair. And I at
first was like, okay, well, you guys just decide what
you're going to do for the holidays and let me
know and I'll work around it. But then I realized, no,
you know, that's not okay, and I want to spend
at least one of the holidays with my husband. So
I just said, you know, we're going to do every
other holiday and if you guys want to come out,
you're always welcome, but you're going to have to make
(20:26):
your own plans on that. And they did say after Thanksgiving,
you know, I said, oh, it looks like you guys
did a great job on all the food, and they're like, yeah, well,
it just wasn't this. It was kind of hotchpotch. It
wasn't It wasn't as good as when you're there. And so,
you know, in fairness, they kind of recognize and it's like, well,
it doesn't have to be great, it doesn't have to
be you know whatever. I just you know, and so yeah,
(20:47):
I realize I have to get better at community, and
the more I've set the boundaries with them, I'm realizing
it's coming back in with good results both for them
and for me.
Speaker 4 (20:58):
It is.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Yeah, and this is a perfect jumping off point. This
is a perfect like turning point. Since you did opt
out for Thanksgiving to spend it with your own family,
and they noticed your absence and the impact it had
on the dinner, it's a perfect opportunity for you to go, Okay,
moving forward, let's all work together so that there's not
so I'm not responsible for everything, because it's really hard
to provide for everyone. You're talking about six people now, right,
(21:21):
are they all married up? Yes, we're significant other right,
so yeah, so that's not on you. And you didn't
have those fucking kids. Also, fuck, I mean, I'm so
sick of step parents having to do all this stuff.
You know, it's enough. Where's their mother? By the way,
she around? Wh don't they go be with her?
Speaker 6 (21:37):
She leaves on the other side of the country. They
see her at other times of the year.
Speaker 4 (21:41):
So when's your next holiday together? Christmas?
Speaker 6 (21:44):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (21:45):
I think to give you some specific boundaries that you
can set, whether you're hosting or someone else's hosting. I
think is perfectly fair to say in advance let them know, like, hey,
I'm going to make this one dish or these two dishes,
and I would love for you guys to all bring something.
Feel free to let me know what you're bringing, or
you can just bring something, but letting them know, like
the rest of the meal will be a group effort.
(22:07):
It will be on them to bring some things as well.
And the other thing is like, no one can force
us to do something without us actually doing it, right,
especially in this sort of circumstance where everyone expects you
to lay out this beautiful meal, but like you are
the one actually doing it. So on the day of,
if it winds up being a hodgepodge, that's okay. You
(22:29):
don't actually have to be the one to like step
in and save the day and make the mashed potatoes
and everything else. Let it be a little bit of
a hodgepodge, but say like, hey, I want to take
a little bit more of a backseat this year. I'm
going to make the turkey and the stuffing or whatever
your thing your two major things are, and say would
love for you guys to fill in the gaps with
your other favorite dishes.
Speaker 4 (22:47):
And it's not a request. It's like, you know, that's
how it's going to be.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Like you have to frame it in a way that
it's not a you're not asking, you're telling them.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yes, and then you don't do anything that you didn't
say you were going to do. The way the boundary
gets broken is by you then doing the thing you
said you weren't going to do. Right, So like, let
it be a little messy. This is this is something
I've learned with my with my in laws is I'll
be like, hey, here's how I think it should be done,
and then when I'm ignored, I just have to be
like okay, and then it's a little messy and guess what,
(23:18):
Like everything is fine? Is it ideal? Maybe not, but
it's fine.
Speaker 6 (23:22):
Yeah, I'm realizing because it's like I don't have that
kind of energy that I used to have. Kind of
the holidays have become like a day of work for me.
It's like a.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Work, right, It's like not fun and it's like preparing
the day before and.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
Yeah, listen, everyone reacts to boundaries initially like they're offended,
and then eventually it turns into respect and it's not
long after the first offense, like the feeling of offense.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
So I just just.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Set the boundaries, send an email, put it together, and
also have a little bit more oomph about what you're
gonna fucking do and what you're not gonna do.
Speaker 4 (23:56):
Don't let people take advantage of you.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
You have one life to live, like, enjoy yourself and
make sure people are respecting you and you feel good
about it, because then you're going to have a much
better experience too.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Yeah, looking forward to next year, people respond well to
knowing what the expectation should be. So maybe there's some
regularity you can do where it's like, Okay, Thanksgiving we
always been with my family, and Christmas we always spend
with your family, to your husband, to the kids. And
that can also be something that he's communicating.
Speaker 6 (24:24):
Yes, thank you, I really appreciate it, and I really
love the podcast.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Oh thanks Lauren. Get your shit together, okay, sister, Yes, okay, okay,
stronger okay, right bye.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Bye, And he says, dear Chelsea, I want to start
off by saying how much I look forward to your
podcast every week to always bring a smile to my face.
I'm writing in because my boyfriend of ten years, yes,
ten years, keeps hinting at an engagement. The funny story
is he's been hinting at it for so long now
it's starting to feel a little boy who cried wolf.
We had our son in October of twenty twenty, and
(24:57):
I suffered from severe postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. He
was not supportive during my struggle, and I have a
lot of resentment toward him because of it. I've been
with my therapist for a little under a year now,
and I'm working through all my postpartum issues. Through it all.
Whenever we argue, he tells me and to think I
bought you a ring and was going to propose. Oh God,
but I always thought he was bluffing. Recently, however, I
(25:20):
was cleaning his side of the closet and came across
a hidden area with a shirt crumpled into a ball.
I lifted the shirt to fold it and found a
jewelry box with an engagement ring inside of it. The
thing is, I felt nothing, and then I felt irritated
because of all the times he threw the idea of
a ring in my face. He doesn't know I found it,
and I'd like to keep it that way. But I
(25:41):
guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here?
I love him and I want our family to work,
but I'm tired of being the forever girlfriend, or, as
his sister so lovingly refers to me, the baby mama.
With the holidays looming, I fear the question is about
to be popped. Any advice is so appreciated, Annie, I
don't know. I think no, and should get married.
Speaker 3 (26:01):
I mean, why legally bind yourself to any person, But
when you have a child it becomes a different issue.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
I think, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
It sounds like you should probably try counseling before you
make any decision, because him not being understanding of your
postpart of depression is a big red flag if he
doesn't get that right, and I mean, he needs to
understand why he's not empathetic enough. And also saying like
to think I was going to propose to you, That
doesn't sound like a loving thing that any partner ex
girls should ever say to someone. That's gross. So I
(26:28):
would try counseling. I would try that with him, and
if it doesn't.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Work, and I think counseling like with the intent of
like improving your relationship, not necessarily should we or shouldn't
we get married? Yeah, don't put so much pressure on that.
Speaker 3 (26:43):
I've been talking to a new therapist who's like, you know,
talking about one of our main issues is like not
trying to control the outcome of things, you know, especially
with relationships. Don't go into therapy thinking like we're gonna
fix everything. Go into therapy thinking we're gonna find out
if we belong together, you know, like taking it more
by moment and figuring out, like, because whatever the result is,
(27:03):
you're gonna be Okay. It's not going to be the
end of the world if you leave your boyfriend. Easier
actually when you're not married to leave him and I
understand that you have a child together, but like, your
happiness is paramount, and if you if you've been going
to counseling and you've been working on yourself, there's no
reason he shouldn't be going also individually and together. Not
with the idea that, okay, we're gonna fix it and
(27:23):
get married, with the idea.
Speaker 4 (27:24):
That, okay, this is where we are, let's talk about it.
Speaker 3 (27:26):
If we're compatible enough to stay together and work through
these issues and survive together, and you know, you don't
have to throw it out right away. But it's good
that you knew about the ring, you saw it, and
it's good that he said that to you, because it's
that's an icky thing to say, and that's one of
the first things you should bring up in therapy.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Now, if he does propose sort of all over the holidays,
oh with you, we would you preempt it and be like,
if you're thinking of asking, now is not the moment.
Let's go get some couples counseling.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
Yes, I would definitely say if you're thinking about proposing
to me, but it sounds like this guy's going to
pretend he never She could say, you know what you
should do. You should say, listen, I found the ring
in the closet. I know you've mentioned to me a
couple of times you were going to propose to me.
If you are thinking about proposing, I don't think this
is the time. I think we have some issues we
have to work through, and I want to take the
pressure off of you and me. We have the baby,
(28:17):
we're dealing with some stuff, and let's try and do
some couples counseling. And if after that we still feel
like we have a relationship, then we could talk about
getting married again, but take it off the table, because
then that kind of takes the pressure out of the
balloon or whatever for sure balloon.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
And also like that should be a boundary that you
guys set up in therapy, is like here are some
specific things you're not allowed to say to each other.
Brad and I have our specific thing, like very specific
lines of dialogue that we are never allowed to throw
out in a fight, and this should be one of them,
because he's like spoiled the idea of even getting married
for you. So that's something to unpack, but not in
(28:52):
a way of like should we or shouldn't we, in
a way of like this is a line of dialogue
I would love to have, just like it's not allowed
in our or in our relationship. Well, let us know
what happens and jump into some counseling. Well, our next
question comes from Jordan. We've got a bit of a
New Year's question, Chelsea. Jordan is calling in and the
(29:15):
subject line of his email is everyone keeps falling in
love with me, Dear Chelsea. I'm Jordan, thirty one from Melbourne, Australia,
and I'm queer. This past year has been a roller coaster.
I ended an eight year relationship, lost my father, quit
my job to return to university, and had my dog
pass away. So safe to say it's been a huge
year of change, growth and self discovery. I'm reaching out
(29:37):
for a relationship advice as we head into the new year.
I ended my long term relationship of eight years because
I wanted more personal growth and a shift in relationship preferences,
one being monogamy. Since then, I've unintentionally entered three more relationships,
admittedly a lot in ten months, despite my focus on
self discovery and avoiding commitment. All three I've ended, breaking
(29:57):
their hearts while I'm enjoying my current phase of exploration
aka being a slut. I keep falling into these relationships
even though I know it's the last thing I want
and need. Despite being open about my intentions and actively
avoiding dating, it keeps happening. I'm a people pleaser and
naturally connect with others, which might be contributing to this pattern.
Any advice on how to break the cycle would be
(30:19):
greatly appreciated. Jordan, Hi, Jordan, Hello, how are you Hi?
Speaker 4 (30:24):
You can't stop making people fall in love?
Speaker 2 (30:26):
With you, it is a bit of a problem.
Speaker 4 (30:28):
Well can't you just keep your dick in your pants?
Speaker 2 (30:31):
No, I can't.
Speaker 8 (30:32):
I did for eight years in my relationship, which you know,
As I said in my letter, I'm now at a
point in my life for the first time in my
life where I actually like myself and I think I'm
quite attractive. So I want to be able to explore that.
You know, I'm in a really good place with myself
and want to keep doing that kind of stuff, but
then just keep falling into these they are quite beautiful
(30:54):
relationships with people, but knowing that it's really not something
that I want or need at this time.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
Well, okay, so I mean I'm off for like having
fun affairs with people without getting too attached. I'm with
you on that, But so when you start to get attached,
what are you thinking? Why do you continue hanging out
with them because you're just having a good time.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
Because, yeah, because it's really nice.
Speaker 8 (31:19):
I find myself having these connections with people where I
can just fully be myself, where I feel really comfortable
with them, where I have similar similar likes and we
can do nice things together and we have great sex,
And then I kind of get to this point where
I'm like, shit, it's it would be really hard to
kind of end this right now, and I think I
would really really miss it. And then if I do
(31:41):
kind of cut things off, am I then just going
to fall into the same thing with someone else?
Speaker 5 (31:47):
Well okay, so what's the problem with that that you're
breaking everyone's heart?
Speaker 8 (31:51):
Is that your well, well, no, there's kind of multiple problems.
It's that you know, I ended my year relationship. But
one of the reasons why I did was because I
really wanted to spend more time more time with myself,
and I wanted to have more independence, and I wanted
to be selfish and think about myself because you know,
being with someone for eight years, you always want to
kind of put them first and you want to think
(32:13):
about them a lot. And then all of the little
relationships I've forgotten into this year, I find myself putting
that other person first and then putting myself second, and
I end up, I don't know, I end up almost
frustrated or almost resenting them that I have to kind
of put them first, and I then will make an
active decision where I say, you know, I'm not going
(32:33):
to go dating anyone I'm going to try and just
have little flings on the side, maybe make some friends,
and then just suddenly, suddenly it happens and I'm in
another I'm in another situation with someone.
Speaker 3 (32:44):
Okay, well, this is all your fault, Like, you know,
you have to set a boundary with yourself because you're
bound you can't follow your own Like you have to decide, okay,
if you don't want people to fall in love with you,
if you don't want to break people's hearts and you're
having you want to have a casual sex, like you
have to be very clear, which I'm sure you're being.
Speaker 4 (33:03):
Are you being clear upfront? Like I'm not in this
for a relationship?
Speaker 2 (33:07):
I am, And it made it even harder.
Speaker 8 (33:08):
With the last relationship that I had, or the last
longer one, which was I think or seven or eight months,
was that I was pretty open throughout our relationship and
I said, look, I'm in a really tough place where
I love you and have a great connection with you,
but I also don't think this is what I wanted
the moment. But then the relationship kind of continued on
even though I was open about that.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Yeah, I think you have to be firmer with people.
If you really are not interested in pursuing a relationship
with someone who is getting attached to you, the most
compassionate thing you can do is to just cut it off,
unless you have no problem going through life just breaking
a bunch of people's hearts. I don't think like karmically
that's really what you want to do. What it sounds
like you want to do is have a lot of
casual sex with different people while getting to know yourself better.
Speaker 4 (33:50):
And there's nothing wrong with that, you know, But when.
Speaker 3 (33:53):
You go out with someone multiple times and you know,
like we all know, when someone's more interested in a
relationship than we are, and you need to be like
decent enough that when you recognize that, you pull back
and say, okay, let me cut this off now. Don't
let it linger on and on, even when you've said
it and they're like, okay, because listen, I've been on
(34:14):
the receiving side of that. I'm sure you have too,
where somebody's like, oh, I'm not looking for anything serious,
and you think, well, they'll change their mind if you know,
if they don't see me for a while, or if
you know with me, I'm different.
Speaker 5 (34:26):
Everyone thinks that they can change somebody. So if you
stay with someone.
Speaker 3 (34:30):
After you've told them that you're not serious, then that
leads them to believe that they are changing your mind,
and that's just making a bigger mess of things. So
the boundary that you have is with yourself, like you
have to stop it, you know, make an amount, like
you're not going to see somebody more than three times,
so that nobody gets attached to anybody until you're ready
for an actual relationship. And this way, nobody can be
(34:52):
that mad at you after three dates. Nobody's going to
be like I was in love with you after three dates,
and if they are, then that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
I'm away.
Speaker 8 (35:00):
Yeah, And I think that's what my ex said as well.
When I broke up. They were like, you know, I
gave you the opportunity to leave, and then I felt
like that you were still in this and then it
just kind of dragged on and on. And I think
a big part of me kind of staying in these
things comes down to spending the majority of my life
feeling really insecure, feeling like I wasn't attractive, feeling like
I was unlovable, and then I think suddenly having someone
(35:22):
come in and be like.
Speaker 2 (35:24):
This person really likes me, multiple people like me. This
is good. I need to cling to this.
Speaker 8 (35:29):
It's I think it's it's those you know, twenty eight
years or thirty years of me feeling like I can't
have that, I don't deserve that, and then suddenly it happens, and.
Speaker 3 (35:38):
I think, I'm like, what's happening is it's a great example,
Like that's great people like you, so like, just you
don't need others people's validation of how special you are
anyway you do, because you've been dehydrated from it from
during your eight year relationship. My girlfriend is also experiencing this.
She's dating somebody and he's.
Speaker 5 (35:56):
All over her like so considerate, making all these plans
for her, and she's and he's like, you know, so
into her, and she's just like, I've never been treated
this nicely and it's annoying, like I'm not attracted to it,
and I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
You know it's so typical. But listen, you're attracting a
lot of people. That's a great thing. Be respectful of
other people and their feelings, and most importantly, respect yourself.
Don't spread yourself so thin like this like, if you
don't have the capacity for a relationship, don't lead anyone
down that road, you know, And that's just a good
way karmically for you to behave for when you are
ready for your next relationship, and that way you're going
(36:32):
to be treated with respect because you don't want someone
coming into your life and messing with your emotions in
that way. I mean, look how it made you feel
for eight years.
Speaker 7 (36:40):
Absolutely, I think there's almost a sense of life almost
as it's a fomo as well, when I meet these
really beautiful people that suddenly I'm like, oh, but then
this person then won't be in my life and that'll
be really sad, and then I'm missing out on that connection.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
Well, you can still have them in your life, just
like not in a sexual way for a little while.
And I think if there is someone that you can't
stop thinking of six months down the road or three
months down the road, then like that is your gut
telling you to go back and explore something a little
bit more.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
Mmmmm.
Speaker 8 (37:11):
And I think with the last day year relationship, I
thought I could change myself. I spent the entire time
being like I don't think this is what I want,
but I like this person, therefore, I'm going to really
try and change it. And I just got to the
end and I was like, I really tried to change
how I was feeling, and I just I just couldn't.
Speaker 2 (37:24):
I couldn't do it.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
Something I get a sense about from you is that
you're very good at mirroring, and you talk about being
very good at people pleasing or that's like your m
is people pleasing, and I do wonder, I wonder if
you're seeing somebody, if you're seeing a therapist, is sort
of like unpack some of this because getting rid of
the people pleasing stuff to a healthy degree has been
super life changing for me over the last.
Speaker 4 (37:44):
Are you in therapy, because now it would be a
good time to start.
Speaker 8 (37:47):
Yeah, yeah, Look, I've had a pretty crazy year and
I hadn't been working for a while so we can
come and money was a thing. And now I'm finally
in a position or about to be in a position
where I'm like, great, I can.
Speaker 2 (37:57):
At the top of my priority list.
Speaker 8 (37:58):
I need to talk about my shit it because after
everything that's happened this year, I've kind of been just
pushing it all down and being like I'm totally fine
and I just know that it needs to just word
vomit onto someone and really unpack it because I know
that I know that there's a lot in them to.
Speaker 3 (38:13):
Yeah, and like think about your motivations for things too,
Like you know what's your intention every time?
Speaker 4 (38:18):
It's good to take it down a notch.
Speaker 3 (38:20):
You're talking about getting to know yourself and then you're
talking about getting lost in a bunch of other people.
So those are two conflicting ideas. Also, you know, if
you really want to get in touch with yourself, you
should slow it down and fuck the fomo. It's not
about missing out when you're trying to get to know yourself.
It's about putting a deposit into your mental health for
the future and for your future relationships. So be very
(38:41):
generous with your care for others and also be very
generous with your care for yourself.
Speaker 8 (38:46):
Yeah, I think I do keep putting other people's feelings
and emotions before my own when I get into these things.
Speaker 4 (38:51):
Yeah, sactly be a selfish act as well.
Speaker 3 (38:53):
Even though it sounds like selfless, it can actually be
a selfish thing when you're putting other peoples because that
creates resentment, that creates all sorts of other emotions, and
it's kind of like you think, like you're being drama. Yeah,
it's a little like dramatic because you're creating drama, Like
I do all of this like I'm doing this for you.
Speaker 4 (39:13):
I'm doing this for you.
Speaker 3 (39:14):
You're kind of taking the responsibility off of yourself when
it's your responsibility, you know.
Speaker 4 (39:19):
So I think you need to get your head out.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Of your ass a little bit, get focused, get a
good therapist, and just calm down a little bit. Just
calm down. You don't need to fuck everybody. You can
fuck a couple of people. Don't get involved with anybody
when you're not emotionally available. You want to have a
good time, go ahead and have it, that's all you,
and then spend some time alone, spend quality time with
yourself alone.
Speaker 1 (39:41):
You mentioned that somebody you're dating has a primary partner,
and like, maybe that's a good route for you right now.
Is like not somebody who's gonna be like, oh my god,
I'm falling alone, someone who already has told you their
boundary is that's my primary person. You're the side piece
and kind of following that a little bit, Yeah.
Speaker 8 (39:59):
I think that's why I'm feeling a little bit more
kind of comfortable with the one that's happening at the moment,
is because I know that it's I don't know.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
I know that there's somewhat of.
Speaker 8 (40:06):
A boundary there already from them, so it means that
I can't track them down with me.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Yeah. Well, Jordan, on a completely superficial note, I will say,
you are now very hot, and uh, you don't need
to worry that you're not anymore.
Speaker 8 (40:20):
Oh god, thank you so much. Even at six staty
in the morning.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
Oh yeah, he's in Melbourne, so it's very early. Oh
rise and shine. Yeah, I'll be there.
Speaker 3 (40:28):
I'm coming to Melbourne. I just announced my Australia dates.
Speaker 8 (40:31):
I saw I'll be moving to the Netherlands though in June,
so I'm going to miss you and I'm really freshed.
Speaker 1 (40:35):
So you're moving in the Netherlands. Oh there you go.
Well that'll be nice. Switch a Rooney too. There you go, Yes,
all right, Jordan, keep us posted.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Thank you so much, Thank you, bye bye bye.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
I mean, he is so good at mirroring. I think
he and I are dating at the end of that call,
so I think we have time for like one more question,
Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty six year old woman with
a great career, great family and friends, and a kick
ass dog. The one thing in my life I can't
sort out are my romantic relationships. I've been married and divorced,
(41:06):
no kids, and been in serial long term relationships for
most of my twenties and thirties. I promise myself a
year of celibacy and focusing on myself, and when that
year was up in August, I dipped my toe back
in the dating apps. I soon met my current boyfriend.
We took it slow, and after three months of dating,
are an official couple and very serious about each other.
It feels great, healthy and mature. Thank you therapy. So
(41:27):
what's the problem. My track record of relationship train wrecks
has scarred my parents so badly. They're no longer interested
in meeting or getting to know this wonderful man I'm
not dating.
Speaker 3 (41:38):
They were like, I remember once one year, They're like,
you're not allowed to bring friends or lovers on They
all my friends. I'd always bring some gay guy home
with me that would like ruin the get so wasted, or.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Do something suck all the air out of the room.
I always come with one gay man. My dad refuses
to even hear anything about my dating life, since he
says he's sick of hearing about it. It should be
noted that after his second divorce, I listened to and
supported him through his many ill advised rebounds, But I digress.
My mom, who I am extremely close to and love immensely,
(42:12):
is normally inviting and eager to welcome any guest into
her home, but she told me she does not want
my boyfriend to visit with me during the holidays. Her
exact words were, I can't get close to someone when
we both know it likely isn't going to work out. Ouch.
I feel like the ultimate loser asshole whose entire family
collectively rolls their eyes when they announce her seeing someone
new wouldn't surprise me. If there's a when will Sarah
(42:33):
shit the bet on this one pool? I'd made plans
with my boyfriend for him to spend two days with
me at my mom's house and have had now to
call and uninvite him and explain that my own family
thinks these things about me. I'm writing this letter after
crying into my pillow like a little bit after that conversation.
I mean, who wants to be with someone even their
own family thinks is such a loser. How can I
(42:54):
cope with this and change my family's perspective? Is it
even worth it? Are they right to set these boundaries?
And am I being a huge baby about all of this? Help?
See and see, I know you'll give it to me straight.
Speaker 3 (43:05):
I would say to this that you should respect your
family's wishes on this one. The only way to change
your family's mind about you is to start changing your behavior.
And by changing your behavior means not bringing someone to
the holiday, since that is your pattern. Just don't you
already uninvented your boyfriend great or you know, the new guy,
and just respect your family's wishes and then show them
(43:27):
a change, like if in six months you guys are
still together, then you can introduce him. Don't prematurely introduce
people to your family that they because that's what you've done,
and just show them over time by going to Christmas
without him, you're showing that you're respecting their wishes. And
that's the first step in saying like, Okay, I hear
what you're saying, and I do want to make a change.
Speaker 1 (43:47):
And this is my first demonstration of that. Totally agree.
I think the proof is in the pudding. And so
hopefully next year when you guys are still together and
you say like you show them like, hey, we've been
together almost a year and bring them along. I think
that's all you gotta do. This is a wait and see.
But go have a great time for the holidays, and
you know, you can talk about how great your boyfriend is,
(44:08):
but save your parents the heartache if there is. Yeah,
hopefully there won't be show out Chellam. Yes, well, Chelsea,
this has been very fun and I'm excited for you
to spend some time up shushing in the snow.
Speaker 3 (44:20):
And yeah, I have to get my birthday ready. Start
time to start brainstorming my birthday video.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Yay, very excited.
Speaker 4 (44:26):
Okay, thank you everybody, We'll be back. We love you.
Have a happy holiday everybody.
Speaker 3 (44:30):
Thank you so much for listening, and thanks for all
the favorite podcast dms and mentions we got. And I
love that we have so many fans everywhere. At all
my shows on the road, everyone's always coming up talking
about the podcast, So I really appreciate everyone listening all
the time.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
I'm glad we have a community. Yeah, it's fantastic, and
you know. If you haven't left a review, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
And leave one, leave a review or write a call
in you know. If you want advice, feel free please
do We always need callers.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
Chelsea. Do have some new dates for us? Oh you know,
I do?
Speaker 6 (45:02):
You know?
Speaker 1 (45:02):
I do?
Speaker 5 (45:03):
I have a lot of We added lots of Canadian cities, Canadians,
I'm coming.
Speaker 1 (45:09):
We added.
Speaker 5 (45:12):
About fifteen new tour dates. I'm coming to Denver again,
Salt Lake City, Vancouver, Richmond, Virginia, Santa Rosa, California, Gary
and Diana, Baltimore, Rona, New York and about seven dates
in Canada. So go to Chelseahandler dot com. I am
performing everywhere. I will be on tour all for the
(45:34):
rest of the year through December, and then next year
I'm going to be touring all year.
Speaker 4 (45:39):
So come and get it, you guys.
Speaker 5 (45:41):
It's good times and it's a very much needed reprieve
from all the fucking madness that's going on in this world.
So I'm here to bring joy and sunshine.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law, and
be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
com
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