May 18, 2023 • 51 mins
Chelsea is joined by Andrew Rannells to discuss therapists who quote Barbra Streisand, the trouble with sleeping with your “straight”, married co-star, and why falling in love on-set is just so typical. Then: An older man wonders if he should open his younger partner up to more variety. A Portlander just can’t seem to get over his ex… or his ex’s dog. And a 40-something with a broken picker needs help finding love that doesn’t hurt so much.
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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at DearChelseaPodcast@gmail.com
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Uncle of the Year by Andrew Rannells
Too Much Is Not Enough by Andrew Rannells
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Produced by Catherine Law
Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert
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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees. This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Catherine, Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, what's going on? I
just got back from Mexico, and is it? It's still lovely,
It's still wonderful. I go every year for this girls
trip with two of my best girlfriends. I leave my
husband at home. This time there were three dogs to
take care of, so he's slightly resentful, but has forgiven
me for just tell him to shut the fuck up.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Honestly, slightly resentful. Who sperm made those dogs his?
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Absolutely exactly no, But he did great with the pups.
I was gone and I just hung out and playing
with Harris with my girlfriends and a lot of tacos,
and it was great. I like Cabo. Yeah, yes, actually
I'm going to Cobbo a little later this year.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Well, oh my god, look at you. You're like just
a regular globetrotter.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Where are you going next?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I have a lot of vacations lined up this summer.
I'm going to be all over, but I'm gonna be
globe trotting. I'm going to London, I'm going to Spain.
I'm going to Africa. My sister and I are going
to become lesbians. My dream for us to become a
unit is fine. Happening. She can't resist my advances anymore.
The other day she sent me a property and said,
what do you think about buying this together? I was like, Oh,
(01:07):
here we go. I was like, it's starting. She's starting
to capitulate to the fact that we are going to
be long lost lovers.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Oh fantastic. Which one is it that you're taking as
your lover, Simone?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Is I am taking her as lover?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Sehan is married, of course, but yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
She It was funny because when we were in Maine
a few years ago, my brother Roy I think I
mentioned this before, wanted to. I was like, Oh, look,
we could all get a compound because like eventually, I
just not eventually for climate change. I want to buy
like one hundred acres, either in Maine or Northern Canada,
somewhere along those lines. And I was like, we can
all have our different houses and you know, on the property,
(01:46):
and then have a main house. Like this is exactly
what I wanted to. Yeah, to just live with in a.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Commune, yes, exactly that you built yourself and it's beautiful and.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
It stays above water. Yes, you know, I'm climate paranoid.
After reading all the things that I've read so I
have had to pivot my reading material. You guys, I
performed at Red Rocks last Wednesday, and it was the
most epic night, one of the most epic nights of
my life.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Well, you posted that you were the first woman to
ever headline.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Female comedian, the first female comedian to ever headline there. Yeah,
I know that's crazy. Hello, Welcome to the future. Anyway,
that was so fun because I woke up Wednesday and
Red Rocks is a huge show. There's like eight thousand
people there. So I get a text from my manager
or agent and they're like, Okay, it's pouring in Colorado,
bring more clothes. And I'm like, well, what do you
(02:35):
mean it's pouring. This is an amphitheater, Like, how do
I perform in the rain? And they're like, oh, rain
or shine, it goes on. I'm like, but it's calling
for Lender. I mean Lounder, you guys was calling for Londer,
not under And I was like, people could get electrocuted
with Lounder and they were like, no, no, they have
a whole system in place. They have a meteorologist that
works at Red Rocks that checks the storm.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
So if it's actually too unsafe, yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
If it's like three miles within three miles of the venue,
I learned that they will call off the show. Anyway,
I went, my sister Smoke came, my bestie Sophie came,
A bunch of people were there, My agents and managers
all came out because it was just going to be
one of those nights. And I never look at the
stage before I go on stage. Huh, I just don't.
But this is something else that's not my thing. But
(03:18):
because it was raining, I went out and I was like,
I just want to see where the roof stops over
the performer.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Are you getting rained?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Now? What do I need to be wearing out here?
Because I had my hair done, I had like the
extension pieces in like you know, and and then I
saw the stage and the person who was performing was
just getting so now I was like, wait what. So
then I went in the bathroom, ripped out all my
hair pieces, put my hair in a ponytail, rolled up
my sleeves and I was like, bitch, you need to
(03:47):
get your head on string because you are basically going
to be walking around in the rain. And so you
also got rained on well yeah, but it wasn't as dramatic.
I mean it was dramatic for the audience members because
they are the ones that sat there. And they said,
you don't understand Colorado's because I said, I'm not a
performing to a half empty you know, we sTLD tons
of tickets for this. I don't want to perform to
(04:08):
a half empty house. And they were like, no, Colorados
are used to it. They don't care. And I can't
tell you how electrifying the whole night was and almost
getting I mean it was electrifying with no one getting electrocuted,
so that a life. But I was on such a
high and it was so funny. I got home. You know,
we're all drinking, having a little after party, had friends
(04:29):
that came from that live in Colorado. We're all out backstage.
After we go we go to the hotel. You know,
it's so much fun, and we're just such a celebratory mood.
And I'm lying in bed, going to sleep, going I'm
so happy no one's in my bed right now. That
was the last thing I said. As I was falling asleep.
(04:51):
I was like, so happy, And then I was just thinking,
I'm so happy I get to celebrate this a lot.
You get all to yourself. But it was a real
pivot because we flew from Denver to the next night,
I was in New York City. The next night I
played the Catskills, so that was quite a transition. Cat
(05:13):
Skills was awesome. Then I went to Bangor, Maine, and
then I went to Wallingford, Connecticut. So they were all
very great shows. So I just had a great week.
And then this weekend I'm performing at Graceland.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Oh oh my god.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, I'm doing three dates in Tennessee, like Chattanooga and
Memphis and some other Knoxville. Yep.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
I heard Chattanooga is beautiful. I've never been, but I've
heard it's wonderful and like the Mountainey and all that stuff.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Well good, I hope I see that, because you know,
Tennessee is not my hit list right now. I'm not
happy with their politics, so it's very hard for me
to go to these places, even though I know my
presence is necessary.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Right it's needed, it's needed. And we get emails all
the time too about like wait, no, but please come
to these places that are trying to keep you out
or like trying to change the laws and all this stuff.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah, I'll be getting a lot of d on Instagram
and a lot of comments about my Florida, comments about
not visiting Florida. But I have to say, guys, the
only way to make a point in any place in
this country is economically. And even though I'm only one person,
I hope other artists will follow because it's just unacceptable
what he's doing down there. He's disgusting, absolutely disgusting politics.
(06:20):
Now he's trying to ban books from the Holocaust. He's
took away any sort of affirmative action program they have
for universities. I'm not sure what the wording is for Florida,
because it's not called affirmative action down there. I'm sure
they got rid of that language a while ago. So
it's just it makes me so sick to my stomach,
as it should to every American.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
The Daily did a really interesting episode about how Tucker
Carlson is like literally in Florida, they're taking keys from
his playbook and there when he flew all those migrants
to Martha's Vanier. That was something that Tucker Carlson set
on the air and then he went ahead and did it.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Well, I read an interesting article also about Rupert Murdoch
Vanity Fair. I guess it was last month. I don't know.
It was in my hotel room, but it was amazing
about the dynamic with his family and you know, basically
how succession is mimicking the whole. He plays the kids
all against each other. And he had lunch with Ronda
Santis and his wife about a year ago and said,
if you are the Republican nominee or if you want
(07:18):
to run for president, like you have our backing, because
now Trump and Fox are you know, at our cross roads.
They're not really, But I don't believe any of these
people because of what happened last time the Minute gets
the nomination, they're all going to turn around and be
like okay, because they'd be willing to take that over,
you know, another Biden administration of course, and Biden administration.
I don't have a lot to say about that either.
(07:39):
Like I I'm for a lot of the things that
he's done, but I understand that he's also one hundred
and seventeen years old. Yeah, that's not going to get
any young people excited, right.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
I will say it has been very nice to just
not have to think about the president for a couple
of years.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
I know, it's so nice to not have to think
about that stuff.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah, Brad has been rewatching parks and rec and is
this very hopeful time before twenty sixteen? And man, it
was a real it was a much simpler time. You're
reminded of like how how maybe foolish we were and
hopeful we were that like things were just going to
keep getting better for everybody.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
I'm not going to participate in the way that I
did last time by watching the news on ad nauseum.
I'm not going to let I'm not going to listen
to Donald Trump speak. I can't take it. It's too upsetting.
And I'm smarter and wiser now and we have to
focus on I don't know what we have to focus on,
quite frankly, I mean it feels slightly, you know, hopeless,
(08:35):
and I don't ever want to I don't ever want
people to listen to me and feel hopeless after So
we're just going to remain positive and know that the
world is a cyclical place and yep, there are good
times and bad times, and let's just enjoy the time
that we're in now.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yeah, and voting still matters, you know, we do what
we can to move toward a better tomorrow, as they say.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And on it's a very special note. We have a
very special guest. We do you know him? He's in everything.
I first saw him in the Book of Mormon on Broadway.
He's had a book called Too Much Is Not Enough,
and now he has a new book out called Uncle
of the Year. Please welcome Andrew Raddles. Andrew, did we
(09:19):
fucking wake you up?
Speaker 3 (09:20):
No? I was just like late. It's almost two thirty
here in New York, so.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
You were sleeping from last night. Still.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
No, I'm so sorry. Chelsea Handler, that's me. Hi, I'm
so excited to meet you.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Hi, and I'm Catherine Last Catherine my co host.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Hei.
Speaker 3 (09:39):
Hello, how are you.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I'm just great.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Well, congratulations Andrew on your book.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
Well, thank you. You know how hard it is to
write a book and then distribute a book. It's a
tricky situation.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
It's a lot of work to put out a book.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
Yeah, and I'm very proud of this book. I wrote
one a couple of years ago, and that one seemed
to sort of come out a little bit easier in
some ways. This one was a little harder to talk
about and a little harder to share. But I'm very
excited to get to share it. You know. The weirdest,
(10:19):
the weirdest part of it was doing the audio book. Yeah,
I don't know if you had this.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
I find that to be incredibly annoying.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Well, I like, I wrote it, and I did all
of the stuff, and I feel like I really processed
all of my thoughts. And then I had to like
read it out loud in front of a weird stranger,
an engineer who had not read it, by the.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Way, but gives you notes on your performance and hasn't
read the book and has never met you.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
Yep, And he was like, it doesn't sound like you.
And I was like, I'm sorry, what now doesn't sound
like me? Okay?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
I had a guy go talk more slowly. I don't know,
That's not how I talk.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
Yeah, it was very strange, but I'm happy with the
way it all came out.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
But man, a man, So why do you think that
this experience or the second the second book for you
was more difficult than the first.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I feel like the first book was a little more linear.
It was a little more about like how I started
into showbiz, and like it felt like a little more
natural progression. This one is more about more adult stuff.
I guess it all kind of started because I wrote
(11:37):
this essay for the New York Times about my anxiety,
and it's much more personal.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Can you talk a little bit about your anxiety experience,
because I know you started therapy because of that, and
then you know it wound up being a very good
thing for you because of other things that happen in
your life.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
I've had many therapists over the years. Some of them
are great, you know therapists, or it's hard to find
a good one sometimes. I really struggled during the pandemic.
I've been very lucky as an actor. I go from
job to job to job, and then I had a
really hard time not working and it was really hard
(12:19):
to like stop and slow down and figure out, well,
who are you if you don't have a job. And
that was a really tough thing to figure out.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And very relatable basically, since everyone was pretty much out
of a job at the same time. Yeah, even though
it feels isolated like it's happening to you, I mean,
in reality, it is happening to the whole world.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Everyone sort of had that feeling where like the bottom
just sort of dropped out and you had nothing to do,
and I thought maybe I could relax into it. But
I couldn't relax into it. I see, Yeah, and that
was I thought, maybe, like, well, nothing's happening in everyone's
on the same page and it's totally fine. I couldn't
(13:04):
get on board.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Well, And there is a sort of thing where, you know,
our identities get wrapped up in what we do. It's
the thing we spend ten twelve hours a day doing.
We say, I am a actor, podcast producer, whatever or not.
That's what I do. So it's difficult. We have to
separate those two things.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
It's hard to balance the act of your consciousness like spirituality,
with your reality. Sometimes it's really hard to be the
person you want to be in a stressful situation sometimes
and then you're like, fuck, wait, I thought I would
be able to handle something like this better. Not that
anyone had, you know, any idea the pandemic was coming,
but no, but it is.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
That's a very good way to say it. It's like
I thought maybe I could handle myself better.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yeah, And I think with therapy a lot you did
you go to therapy before the pandemic as well?
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Sure, yeah, yeah, No, I've had I mean like off
and on for you know, twenty five years. I've had
a different Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Yeah, I know from my own experience that you have
this idea sometimes when you go for a long enough
period of time that you're fixed and there shouldn't be
another issue. Like for me, I'm always like, Okay, I
sorted all of that out. I shouldn't have to face
anything like that again. And so then when you're faced
with it again, and you may act in a seemingly
(14:22):
similar way, you're definitely like, there's self flagellation evolved because
you're like, fuck, I already learned that lesson what am
I doing this again for?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Why did I do it differently? Yeah, I've had many
different therapists. I have a therapist that I went to
for many, many years, and I realized I sort of
hit a wall with this therapist. And I realized when
I hit the wall, he sort of like I was
telling him a story and he sort of like glasped
(14:51):
over it in a little bit like I could I
could tell he wasn't listening. And then he said to me, Andrew,
what's too aimful to remember? It's simply hard to forget.
So what's the laughter? We remember, and I said, did
you just quote the fucking way we were to me?
(15:13):
And he said, oh god, I'm so sorry. I guess
I did. And I said, you quoted the way we
were to a gay man.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And thought you wouldn't catch it?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Was he gay? Because he is now? He's now gay?
Speaker 3 (15:28):
He was not gay? But I was like, how could
that happen?
Speaker 2 (15:32):
That's so funny and so possibly say that right. I've
had moments like that with people when they've said something.
I'm like, that's the end. That's the end of our friendship.
You just crossed the rubicon.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Can I tell you one more therapist please? That I
wrote in my book, And I'm sure my ex boyfriend
would like my ex boyfriend and I His name was Michael.
We really tried. We went to a lot of couple's therapy.
We really really tried. And we went to the couple's therapist.
(16:04):
He was, you know, talking to a therapist, and he said,
Andrew sucks the air out of every room we go into.
It's like I'm not even there. Every time we walk
into a room. It's like no one even sees me.
He went on and on and on and then and
then the therapist said, Andrew, did you hear it? Brian
(16:27):
just said and I said, his name is Michael. He
went what and I said, his name is Michael.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
The same thing happened to me. I talked about this
on an earlier episode. My therapist was like, oh, your
boyfriend Greg. I'm like, you mean my husband, Brad.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I love it. I love it.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Not great, It's not great, Chelsea. Not great.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
I'm going to bring up my favorite story in the book,
which of course, is you having sex with a married
man and then having his wife return your panties to you.
Oh no, yeah, Oh I actually read it. Oh yeah, yeah,
we read it together.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Read the book.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Yeah yeah, yeah. I'm a reader and Catherine is a
podcast producer, like you said earlier, So that's our job
to read your book.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I know, but I didn't think most people actually read it. Oh.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I forced her Taine to send it to us.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
Oh god, okay. I did have sex with a very
ultra conservative married man, just like a one night stand,
and it was a strange situation and I regret doing it.
I wonder how he's doing now. It's sort of my
because I've not kept in touch well.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
And then the part about his wife returning your underwear
to you?
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Yeah, what was the hell like when she started getting
texts from her being like I want to talk to you.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Oh that was a little tricky. So I left. He
sort of took all of my clothing with him, and
we were doing a musical together. And a couple days
later she showed up in town and she did arrive
with my washed and cleaned underwear and like a little baggy.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Like a sachet.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Well it was like a little FedEx.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Bag and was totally fine with the fact that he
was gallivancing around with men.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Correct.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
I mean, I don't know if she was fine with it,
but I think that she had come to terms with it.
I think she had made up her mind that like,
we're going to get through this.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Well, if you think about the dynamic between a gay
man and a woman, right, like your bestie, whoever your
best friend is, that's a gay man. Ideally, the best
chemistry would be for the two of you to be
married and just like her man on the side, you're
in a long term relationship. I know you two are
a very hot couple. You and your boyfriend talks your partner,
I should say, well, because you're more than boyfriend and boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (18:55):
Right, well, yeah, boyfriends partners. Yeah, we're not married. We
met doing Boys in the Band together twenty eighteen, and
we've like, you know, it's the laziest story ever that
like two actors met doing like a show together. Couldn't
have been.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Lazier, I have to say. I told Chelsea this morning.
I was like, when I realized that's who Andrew Reynolds
was dating, it was like, the two of you together
are so incredibly hot as a couple. I was taken aback.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
You also kind of look alike similar, so I'm sure
you've heard that before.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
We do have a similar vibe.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Yea, yeah, you look like you're both from a different decade,
but a very similar.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Is that narcissistic that I'm sort of dating myself?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Probably? I mean what else could it be?
Speaker 3 (19:45):
I now dumb actor? DOUWMB actor? Yeah no, And people
have asked me like, well, how did you guys meet?
I was like, well, we were playing boyfriends in a
movie and that's as simple as it is.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
But aren't you like a stepfather?
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Now?
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Doesn't he have two children?
Speaker 3 (20:03):
He does have two children? Yes, you know, am I
a stepfather? You know? I try my best to sort
of be as present as possible. I'm not there a lot, unfortunately.
I work a lot in New York, and he's in
LA and he's in Los Angeles. Yeah, and I.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Can just pop over there and look after the kids.
I love children, So you just tell me when I
know I can take some of the load off.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
I know you dig a kid. I know that from
just being a fan. But you know, it's like it's
tough because I'm gone a lot. I try to be
as present as possible. I really do.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
I really liked in the book how you talked about
sometimes having a difficult time connecting with them. Chelsea and
I have talked about this too. It's like, because they're
like preteenish, right, they're like eleven.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Ish, they're ten, okay.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
But it's like sometimes you're like, what do I talk
about with a ten year old? It can be difful Yeah,
but you.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Know, I hate fucking having to make conversation. I fucking
hate that. So when you're talking to a ten year
old like that isn't related to you, even when they
are related to you, sometimes it's like it can be
a chore. Like that's why people become parents because they're
ready to take that responsibility on. And I think what
I find so annoying is that I'm not supposed to
take that on. I chose not to do that. So
(21:22):
don't expect me to mingle like with your kids unless
they're fucking cool. And then I'm into your kids, like
I'm in really cool kids. My friend Jamie Greenberg has
a really cool kid, yeah money, and I like her.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Yeah, but kids are mostly not cool.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Yeah, they're idiots because they haven't grown up yet.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
And and I think being a parent, and I really
appreciate my siblings skill at this, that they really do
engage with their kids in a great way. And I
found that I maybe don't have that skill, Like I
don't I don't have that like natural thing where I'm like, oh,
(22:00):
I know how to talk to a kid. I don't
always know how to. Sometimes I can like sort of
drop in and be and there are moments with TuS
kids where like I do it well, but like, sometimes
I don't do it well, and it's really hard to
It was a really hard lesson to learn, Oh, you're
(22:22):
not naturally good at this, and some people are naturally
good at it. Some people just like know how to
do it and know how to talk and like fuck
around with kids. But like I don't have that gene,
and it was a really hard lesson to figure out. Oh,
you don't know how to do it, that was tricky.
I'm good with like the fun stuff I'm good at,
(22:45):
like messing around at a target, right, doing having some fun,
I'm good at that. Taking them to school not so good.
Not so good at making breakfast now that's so good him.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
What do you think that you're really good at, not
with regard to parenting, but in life in general, Like,
what do you think one of your greatest gifts is?
Speaker 3 (23:10):
I feel like I'm a pretty good friend, Like I
keep in touch.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Well, okay, I think.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Now you're going to get some responses from my friends.
They're going to be like, no, he doesn't, No, he doesn't.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I don't need a lot of things or people to
be on top of me.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
Well I don't feel like I do either, And I
feel like sometimes that bites me in the ass a
little bit, that, like, because I don't need a lot,
then sometimes I don't maybe necessarily give.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Ah, yes, sir, I think those two things are yes. Yes.
I think if you do one, you do the other exactly. Yeah,
I'm guilty of the same thing.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Yeah, I don't need a ton from you, So then
maybe if I don't always give it back, then I'm
looked at as sort of being selfish or being I
don't know. That's a thing that I just sort of
realized about myself.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Yeah, but selfish is a judgment, so like you shouldn't
think about it that way. You should think about like
are you taking good care of yourself or are you
actually like ignoring the needs of other people that are
important to you that kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Well, that's a nice way to say it.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Well, that's I learned that in therapy.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
I'm going to give you. I'm going to just send
you like a venmo because I feel like this has
been a real therapy session.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Well that's great, because you're you're about to give therapy
to our callers that we have people live. I know.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
I'm very excited.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Yeah, so get ready, Catherine is going to give us
up to get us at speed. Hold on, No, you
don't get any REPI you don't get.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Any Is there anything that I should know, like anything
I should be prepared for you?
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Well, there's a couple of sex questions but we're going
to take a quick break and we will be back
with colors and.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Questions and and we're back.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
We are back. Let's start with a breakup question.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Oh boy, are you ready? Andrew?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Are you ready?
Speaker 3 (25:10):
My guess?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Yes, this might be This might be a quickie, but
we'll see what comes out of it. This comes from
Tea in New Zealand. Dear Chelsea, I need to break
up with my boyfriend. We met last summer when we
started a new job together. Things moved super quickly. We've
been dating for about seven months now, but it's just
not working out. He's still a great person and I
care about him. I'm a twenty eight year old male
(25:33):
and he is twenty four. Now. My dilemma is this,
our work schedules are totally opposite. The days I'm not
working are the days he is working. And it's just
how our fixed schedules happen to work out. Not only that,
but we live eighty five kilometers, which is about fifty
miles apart from each other.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Thank you for that conversion.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
You're welcome.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Thank you, thank you for doing that. I was trying
to do the math in my head.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
I can't do That's impossible. Even Sirih couldn't do it.
I had to find again. Okay later. We live fifty
miles apart from each other and work somewhere in the middle.
We don't see each other often, and I've been trying
to schedule a time to hang out, but it's proven unsuccessful.
He wants to hang out on Wednesday when I'm finished
with work, but I feel bad. He'd drive all that
way just for me to end things, and then he'd
(26:17):
have to drive back. However, I know ending things over
the phone is like the cliche movie Scumbag Move. Do
you think it's acceptable in this situation? If you were
in issues, would you hate the person who broke up
with you over the phone more than the person who
made you drive one hundred and seventy kilometers? Thank you, tea.
I think that's a phone call.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Then if he's gonna be driving, yeah, that's just the
right thing to do.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Like I can't.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
You can't make somebody drive to you to get broken
up with, right.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
That's so fucking stupid that, first of all, that entire
conversation is stupid. They're in their twenties, they're not really dating.
They'd live in the same city, fuck up in a relationship,
you don't live in the same city. You're in your
early twenties, You're not.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Beating each other.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
It's not a big deal. I'll just go out side
over the phone. Do not drag that out. That is
so obnoxious.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I agreed, no text but phone call.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Yes, I know. I'm sure they have really cute accents.
But like done, I'm done. Yeah, I'm done with that one.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Got a nip it in the bud.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Next collar, well, our next.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Collar is Devin. Devin says Dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty
nine year old gay man living in Portland, Oregon, and
on Halloween of twenty twenty one, my ex boyfriend of
two and a half years broke up with me. We
had a good relationship, but he often felt bound by
the constraints of our relationship. When we broke up, I
was utterly devastated. I've come a long way since our
(27:49):
breakup and have embraced my slutty phase by sleeping with
dozens and dozens of men and exploring other kinks that
I didn't have a chance to explore before. My problem
is this, even after a year and a half of
being separated. I still feel insecure about seeing my ex
in public or running into him at a party. Portland
is a small gay community, and I often see him
(28:10):
at our local gym. I can't help myself but think
about the guys he's sleeping with or the men he
might casually be dating. To add insult to injury, I
was primarily the bottom in our relationship and he rarely
let me top. I told him time and time again
that I wanted to top, but somehow we always found
ourselves in the same positions. After our breakup, I was
still logged into his Amazon account when I found a
(28:32):
douche used to clean your butthole before sex, and I
really got in my hat about him bottoming for other
guys when he wouldn't do that. In our relationship, we
struggled a lot with insecurities on both sides, and both
suspected the other wanted to sleep with guys with bigger dicks.
Did these feelings come up in heterosexual relationships as well?
I've tried to refocus and channel my thoughts other places
(28:53):
when these things come up, but sometimes I can't help
but fixate on them. Any advice you have is much
appreciated much love, Debth and Devin is here with us
on the phone.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
Devon's here. You can counsel him directly, Andrew. I can't
wait for.
Speaker 3 (29:06):
This, Devin. I the bottoming conversation. It really took a turn.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Den, I did not. I was not following hold on
Devon's muted first. Welcome your role, Andrew, your role? Okay, Devin,
do you see Andrew? Here's our special guest. How lucky
are you?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Hi? Hello, Devin? Have you since found a top that
satisfies your needs?
Speaker 4 (29:29):
I'm still dating. I actually had a date last night,
just sort of like casually dating and kind of checking
things out, all right, So the answer, the short answer
is no, I just am kind of like still doing
my thing, sleeping around, doing what I can.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
And what's the Portland scene. Light, it's a big gay scene.
Speaker 4 (29:47):
It's relatively big, I would say, but it's a lot
of the same people. The pool is still kind of limited,
it seems like. And a lot of what I've encountered
is a lot of people are in open relationships.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Also. I now that's such a weird headache, right, people
who are like an open relationships and you're like, yeah,
do it or don't come on now.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
How long have you guys been broken up? You and
your ex boyfriend.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
About a year and a half, so Halloween of twenty one,
so quite a while.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
What did you dress up as on Halloween?
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Is that really necessary?
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Chelsea? I think it's impertinent question in this conversation. It's important.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
The last few years I've dressed up is Trixie Mattel.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
Okay, So that, Chelsea, I feel like that's very informative. Okay,
I feel like we needed to hear that.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Okay, Well, and then how does that change and pivot
your thinking?
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Andrew, Well, I feel like you're a power bottom.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Uh huh Okay, so you're definitely a power bottom. I
think that it's a long time for you to be
still obsessing about your ex. So have you been to therapy?
Speaker 4 (30:50):
I have, yes, but it's been quite a while, just
because I was seeing a woman therapist and her and
I really hit it off. But then she recommended I
start singing a gay therapist because I was teaching her
more than I was I guess getting back. So she
recommended I see a gay therapist.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
And she sounds like a bottom.
Speaker 4 (31:08):
Yeah, and the two guys that I saw I didn't
connect with them enough. I felt like I was venting
more than I was receiving.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
I guess, how are you meeting people in Portland? Are
you like on apps or is it just sort of
more of a general you're just hanging out in bars
and things or.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
A little bit of both, like the Grinder, But it's
that's a lot of just like hookup culture, you know
what I mean. Yeah, Whereas like, so I went on
a date last night in fact, and I saw him
on Instagram, and that's kind of in a way, and
I kind of reached out and just kind of went
out on a limb, like, hey, I think you're really handsome,
kind of put myself out there. I said, I know
this is a little forward, but like, I think you're
(31:44):
really handsome. You seem like a cool guy. Can I
take you out? So we went out for a drink.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
So how'd that go?
Speaker 4 (31:51):
It was really positive? Yeah, it was really yeah good,
it was a good experience.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Yeah, well that's good.
Speaker 1 (31:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
I think you have like a lot going on. I
think you're like allowing yourself to fix, which is just
kind of like a mental game that you're playing with yourself.
And I think, you know, talk therapy is a good
way to like deal with that, because you shouldn't have
to be obsessing about, like it's none of your business
what he's doing with other people. He's not your boyfriend anyway,
it really doesn't matter. You're gonna have like a succession
of men in your life moving forward, and regardless of
(32:18):
Portland being a small town, so what, so like, the
sooner you warm up to the idea of bumping into
him and not being so injured by it, I think,
the sooner that it will become normalized, and the sooner
you can move on from this kind of tethering you
have to him.
Speaker 3 (32:32):
That's a very good way to say that, Chelsea is like,
he's not your ex boyfriend, He's just a man, just
another person.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Yeah, and you should, like you should actually try to
bump into him so that the quicker that that happens,
and the sooner you get the ball rolling of normalizing it,
even though if it might feel gross right now or
like you're not ready, I think you should kind of
just force yourself it's been enough time, and just force
yourself to be around him when you know you see him,
be cool. Hey, it's nice to see you don't bring
(32:59):
anything else other then just complete, like just be cool,
so that way you can leave that situation, he knows,
and then you kind of diminish the tension between you two.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Mm hmm. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
And I think I run into him primarily at the gym,
and like you'll ask me to walk the dog or
watch her if he's out of town.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
And there's part of it like that I don't.
Speaker 4 (33:19):
Love it either, because I don't like to be in
his space, Like I don't like going into his apartment.
I don't mind running into him at the gym, sure,
but yeah, it's like I don't really want to be
in a space I don't want to And I think
part of it's like I identify that I'm still a
little injured by some of these things, and like it's
all feels very surface level what we end up talking about.
It's all like bs, hey, how's it going, Just stupid stuff.
(33:40):
I feel like there's part of me that I still
want to talk about some things that I'm injured by
and some unresolved feelings. I guess, but I don't know
if I just need to like let that go and
move on and yeah, yeahybe, you just let that go.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
I think it's a practice of letting things go. It's
doesn't It's not the easiest thing because you can hold
grudges against people and lay blame because as long as
you're doing that, you're kind of the victim. And I
think there's a little bit of victim victimanus in there,
you know what I'm saying. I think you should really
really try to practice letting go of any anger you
have towards him. Relationships don't work out all the time.
It's really nobody's fault, you know what I mean, It's
(34:13):
just a matter of chemistry and longevity. So like, don't
hold I mean, I know you do, and I know
we all do. But it's something that you want to
start thinking about and actually start practicing, Like whether it's
a mantra, whether it's a meditation, whether it's you reminding
yourself every morning, like you want to give out love
not resentment. You know, as long as you're holding on
to that, it'll kind of have a negative effect on you.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
Sure, Okay, I mean that's something that I could use
as well.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
So thank you, he's getting double dose. We're giving to you,
and we're giving advice to you and to Andrew.
Speaker 3 (34:44):
Yeah, yeah, thank you, You've also given it to me, Devin. So, like, now,
when you're like looking to date people, are you looking
for the opposite sort of person or are you looking
for someone who's sort of similar? Like I've not been
on the dating, but when you're scrolling through, are you
looking through sort of a similar situation or do you
(35:05):
feel like you.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Are you hitting on him right now? Are you, Andrew?
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Are you hitting on the Oh?
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Oh, I'm sorry, Devin?
Speaker 1 (35:16):
Are you looking for someone that's based in New York.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
And sing whoopsy doodle? Anyway, Devin, are you good with
that advice? Can you start doing that? Can you do
you understand what I'm saying when I say start practicing it?
Speaker 4 (35:32):
Like does that just sort of like let go kind
of forget about it, move on, just kind of like
let the like kind of like give up the resentment.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Yeah, look at him with love. Like whenever I don't
like someone, I'm always have to say, I'm like love
just love people who cares. You don't have to hang
out with that person, but just show them kindness and love.
It's just good vibes to be given out anyway, you
know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (35:52):
Sure? And I think kind of what right now, what's
kind of happening is begin these little fights or spats
and so then I like leave kind of like resentful,
and I'm like upset, and then I.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Just like, where do you get in fights and spats?
Speaker 3 (36:04):
Well, he's watching his dog.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Yeah no no, no, no no no no, no, no more
watching the dog. That's no, that's a wrap on that.
Like Andrews said, he doesn't like that.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
I don't like that either. Yeah, And you don't need
to be like his friend. You don't don't need to
be there to support him.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Especially, you shouldn't be arguing with your ex boyfriend. There's
nothing to argue about. You're not together.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
But that makes sense why you're still hung up a
year and a half later, since there's been this sort
of punting.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
You are postponing this situation for yourself. So you have
to stop going over there and taking care of his dog,
and you certainly have to stop arguing with him. There's
no more arguing. You just won't participate in it. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,
you can do this.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
I can do it.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Yeah, go get them tiger. Okay, thanks for.
Speaker 4 (36:46):
Calling, all right, Yeah, thank you guys.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
Thanks seven some people need a very firm hand.
Speaker 3 (36:52):
Was a real sweetheart, he was, and.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
He needed a swift kick in the ass because he's.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
Like he did, he cannot watch that man's.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
Dog going over watch oh and then fighting with that
fuck Oh. I'm like a fucking babysitting your dog. I
would never babysit anyone's dog. I once babysat this couple's
I worked with this girl at this restaurant once, and
she asked me to babysit her dogs and stay at
her house, which she thought was like fun for me.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
It wasn't.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
And so I decided after two nights, I'm like, I
can't stay here anymore. So I just wanted to stay
at my own place or I had a boyfriend or something.
And so then I would just leave the dogs there
and go and feed them in the daytime and take
them for like maybe a walk. Yeah, and I did
that the whole week. I was like the worst dog
sitter in the world.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
But they were fine, right.
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Yeah they were. But I wasn't dog sitting them. I
was feeding them.
Speaker 3 (37:38):
Well, that's one can argue. That's more important.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Should we have to our next caller, Yes, let's go.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
To our another one. Yeah, I'm very excited.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Okay, well this look alive.
Speaker 3 (37:50):
What have we got? What have we got?
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Ramone? Ramone? Right, hey, Chelsea, I'm having a serious problem.
My last three long term relationships have begun well, or
so I thought, they turned into toxic relationships that involved addiction,
me being subjected to emotional abuse, manipulation, and sometimes violence.
I ignored quite a few red flags at the beginning of
(38:13):
these relationships because I was raised to give people the
benefit of the doubt. I would also try to ignore
the bad and focus on the good, hoping they would change,
and they never did. My question is, how do I
avoid ending up in yet another relationship with a toxic
or narcissistic manipulator without sacrificing my belief that people can
change and deserve second chances. I'm taking some steps already,
(38:34):
like listening to my intuition, being careful with ignoring red
flags as they appear, and just generally trying to protect
my energy and not give it so freely. I appreciate
any help and insights. Ramone, Hi, Ramone.
Speaker 3 (38:46):
Hi, Ramone, that was a very thorough description of your relationships.
Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 5 (38:53):
Well, thank you. Yeah, it's been three in a row
of verbal and physical abuse, addiction, and then realizing my
most recent relationship was a narcissist on top of all
that as well.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
Oh boy, how long did the relationships last?
Speaker 5 (39:07):
So my first with my ex husband was ten years?
Speaker 3 (39:11):
Oh wow?
Speaker 5 (39:12):
Yeah, and then the third one was about five and
this most recent was three, So it's almost spent twenty years.
Speaker 3 (39:17):
That's a long time. Yeah, Chelsea, what do you I mean?
Speaker 2 (39:20):
I'm sure that you had a lot of childhood trauma,
have you.
Speaker 5 (39:25):
Yeah, So I was kind of raised to give people
second chances, and that's part of why I wrote in
was I don't want to give that up, and I
want to see people for who they are. But you
know I did. My dad used to beat my mom,
and you know, I grew up as an only child.
So I guess there's a lot of I can relate
to people and maybe in these situations and I kind
of bring them in.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
Yeah. Okay, Well I can tell by everything you're saying
that this is like textbook trauma. You believe that this
is you deserve this and that you can fix people.
Then that this is good enough for you, and that's
not good enough for you, and what you're in charge
of is changing the narrative of your own story. You're
the only person in the world that can and say
this is beneath me. I am no longer settling for this,
(40:03):
like no one else can do that for you. So
until you're ready to make that decision and that declaration
to yourself and to the entire world, then you're going
to keep bringing these people into your life. You have
the ability to stop this. It does not have power
over you. It does not.
Speaker 5 (40:20):
Yeah, with the most recent relationship, I did end it.
He's still, you know, harassing me here there. But for
the most part I'm away from it, and I'm being
more protective of my energy who I give it to,
who's around me, and just trying to be observant that
I don't again court that same energy to me. And
listening to podcasts like this and some other resources I've
(40:41):
been using is kind of getting me to that headspace
where I can maybe be a little more defensive without
giving up my belief that you know, we should bet.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
You don't have to think of it as a negative.
Those two things aren't mutually exclusive, is what I'm trying
to say. You can hold all of that in a
very positive light. It's not like you're rejecting people. You're
a protect yourself. You don't have to think of it
as a rejection or as a defense mechanism. It's a
self preservation as self protection, something that you haven't been
practicing your entire life because of something that you had
(41:11):
no control over that happened to you as a child.
But the difference here is you're an adult now, you
have all the control, and you're choosing to still set
up situations that are emblematic of your childhood. So it's
so much simpler than you even think it is, and
it's so much easier for somebody like an outsider to
point it out to you. Right, So I just want
you to have clarity about how easy this can be
(41:33):
once you, like really make the decision that you're done.
And it sounds like you already have.
Speaker 5 (41:39):
Yeah, you know, like I said, that relationship's over, I
still feel for these people, you know, and I wish
them ill. I want them to meet the most successful
people on the planet just over there, you know, away
from me. And you know, when I left this person,
I said, look, I got to look out for me.
I got to protect myself because I was getting to
a really kind of dangerous space, Like it was just
very stressful. I was constantly like fight or flight. I
couldn't sleep because I'm like, is it going to come
(42:00):
into the bedroom and cause a scene or do something drastic.
So but now I'm in my own place, my own space,
and just trying to focus. As you said, I'm protecting myself.
But just you know, I don't want to lose that
empathy for the people.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
You're not going to lose that. You don't lose that stuff.
That stuff is ingrained in you. You know, you either
have empathy and you don't. I mean, you can gain
empathy if you don't have it, you can practice it.
I've done that, But you don't lose what you have,
Like that's a natural gift. Most people have it, some don't.
But you know, that's a separate conversation. But I believe
in you. I believe that you can totally make these changes.
(42:36):
I know you can because you're thinking about it and
you don't have to be worried about you know, these
kinds of people coming into your life. You know how
to recognize it right away. Like you have a huge
advantage and it's not a rejection. It's a protection. Just
put a positive word to every negative word you're thinking,
because there always is one and it's usually the opposite.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Yeah, And you don't have to think of empathy as
like this thing you're going to lose. The truth is
like there are red flags, there are orange flags, there
are yellow flags. So as you move forward.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Trying to a purple, I'm blue and green. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
But just because you have empathy for someone doesn't mean
you need to let them into your innermost being or
you're checking account or or your life or your life
or any of those other things. Like Chelsea said, protecting
your energy and recognizing like, oh this person is showing
me red flags that means they're not a good partner
for me, but like I can still be friends with
(43:32):
them whatever. But seeing like some yellow flags like that
might be okay. It just depends on what that is
for you. But also knowing like you have a history
of being okay with those red flags coming into your space.
Speaker 5 (43:44):
That's part of that acceptance. You know, I accept the
people as they are, And I'm good at compartmentalizing things
because I think I did that as a kid. It
compartmentalized on my dad beat my mom, but he also
loves me, So how do I resolve that? So when
a person's terrible to me, I'm like, well, but they're
really sweet here, so I'll just put this away and
I'll fix it later or we'll work on that. But yeah, now,
I mean, after you know, eighteen years of this, I
(44:04):
think I'm done hopefully, But yeah, I think that the
key is I just didn't want to just be so
cold and just like shut it all off, but kind
of bouncing it better, not giving it away and you know,
losing that part of me.
Speaker 2 (44:18):
But also like you're the conductor. It's not up to
other people, It's up to you. So it's easy when
you're in charge to you know that, like, Okay, I'm
the one who who's making these decisions ultimately to allow
these people into your lives. So it's not like, you know,
you have to defer to somebody else or you have
a partner that you're who's doing this. It's you, so
even and easier to fix.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
I wonder if there is an opportunity here because you
are continually attracted to these people who are.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
Horrible, You're gone to read that book attached also that
talks all about these kinds of unhealthy attachments. Have you
read that?
Speaker 5 (44:49):
I got it on my audio read.
Speaker 2 (44:51):
It started today.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Please there might be a way to bring in some reinforcements,
whether that's the friend who's been telling you for years
that this guy's bad for you, he's awful for you,
way bringing in a friend, bringing in a therapist to
be like, Okay, here's what I'm experiencing in this new relationship.
Is this actually healthy? Is this something I should move
toward or cut off right now or move into the
friend zone right now?
Speaker 5 (45:12):
Yeah, my company has some resources for therapy that I'm
going to, you know, look into, because it's just unaccepted.
I can't do it anymore. Like, I mean, it's just
been too long, you know, at my age, I don't
want to have another one of these pop ups. So yeah,
I definitely want to focus on making that not happen again.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
So yeah, and they're not your responsibility, you know, these
these other people in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Yeah, Ramone, go get your act together. I've got faith
in you.
Speaker 5 (45:37):
Thank you. And like I said this podcast, actually when
I was in the darkest times with this person, helped
me get away from it because these conversations that you
have with people and the people you have calling in.
It really did help me a lot.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
Thank you. I'd love to hear that.
Speaker 3 (45:52):
All right.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Well, thanks for calling in ramone.
Speaker 5 (45:57):
Thank you guys.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
Jesus.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Yeah, lots of serious you got down your business. We're
running a medical practice here. This is serious ship.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
I know you're doctors.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Everyone needs a self esteem boost, everybody. Everybody needs like
an injection of self esteem every morning.
Speaker 3 (46:18):
It is really true. I think we could all use that.
Speaker 2 (46:21):
I know, I wish I knew what that could be.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
I mean, I feel like you come in the room
and it's an injection of self esteem. It's just like
like you give that to yourself in the morning because
you come in the room and it's just like here,
I am, I'm present. I don't know. It's big energy
in a good way.
Speaker 2 (46:37):
Thank you. I appreciate that you are good energy. Andrew.
I think let's take a quick break. Okay, Oh my god,
you you always interrupt the breaks, Andrew, God, there's so long. Okay,
We're going to take a quick break. Andrew's not going
to say anything, and then we'll be right back and
(46:59):
we're back.
Speaker 1 (46:59):
We are back. This one should be an easy one.
For Andrew. I'm back, I'm back, He's back. Dear Chelsea,
I'm forty one and my boyfriend is twenty six. We
met almost two years ago and he was super inexperienced sexually.
When we met, we agreed we'd have an open relationship,
but so far we've been monogamous. Our sex is very
(47:20):
regular but incredibly vanilla. I've tried to spice it up,
but it's been met with very little enthusiasm. I feel
like he needs to experience more dick, a variety of dick.
The thing is, I get anxiety when I think about
opening him up to others, but I really think it's
time to bring this up. What's your advice for go
out and get some dick? What's your advice for getting
(47:40):
myself comfortable and accepting that this young guy deserves my
permission for more penetration? Robert Andrew, Robert Robert No.
Speaker 3 (47:51):
No, he's forty one and his boyfriend is twenty six.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
Yes, and they've been talked together since his everyone was
twenty four.
Speaker 3 (47:59):
No, get no, let him go, set him.
Speaker 1 (48:03):
Free, like totally go yeah or a little bit who cares?
Speaker 2 (48:07):
Just let yeah, he let him? I mean, you can't
force him to go get Dick. No, but you can
make the suggestion.
Speaker 3 (48:14):
Yes, No, let him go, Robert, let him go.
Speaker 2 (48:17):
Everyone needs to sew their oats. I really am a
firm believer of that. I mean, how do you know
what you like unless you try tons of different things.
Speaker 3 (48:25):
Yes, you do a bunch of different stuff and then
figure it out. No, Robert, let him go.
Speaker 2 (48:32):
How old were you when you lost your virginity? Andrew?
Speaker 3 (48:35):
I was sixteen?
Speaker 1 (48:37):
Are you gold star that? I'm a gold start woman?
Speaker 3 (48:45):
Gold star? But not platinum?
Speaker 1 (48:47):
Oh wait, what's platinum?
Speaker 3 (48:49):
Born via C section?
Speaker 2 (48:53):
So never touched him, touched a vagina?
Speaker 1 (48:56):
Got it?
Speaker 2 (48:57):
I'm good enough.
Speaker 1 (48:58):
Platinum, okay, fantastic.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
What's better than the platinum? Anything? No, I mean I
don't know there weren't father, If your mother was a
father and you never were even inside a woman's body? Well, no,
that because you have to Well no, I have to
take that one through.
Speaker 3 (49:16):
Workshop it, workshop it, I will.
Speaker 2 (49:18):
I'll continue to workshop it. I'm sure it won't offend
anybody me questioning. Right, Well, we're ready to wrap it up, Andrew,
I'm going to encourage everybody to get your book.
Speaker 3 (49:28):
Well, thank you so much. And I can't thank you
enough for having me again, huge, huge fan, first time caller,
but longtime listener, and man, no man, am I a
fan of yours And I'm so happy to meet you.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
Thanks, honey, it's so nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (49:46):
We can end with that something, of course.
Speaker 2 (49:49):
Wait, make sure you guys all get a copy of
Uncle of the Year. That's his second book, andrew second book.
Congratulations on the publication. It's very funny. Everybody grab a
copy and read it. You're going to love it.
Speaker 1 (50:00):
Thank you, no problem, have a great.
Speaker 3 (50:02):
Day, Thank you, bye bye.
Speaker 2 (50:07):
And I have just announced new stand updates for my
Little Big Bitch tour.
Speaker 3 (50:11):
Guys.
Speaker 2 (50:11):
I announced twenty five new cities. These are probably a
lot of the cities people have been mentioning in the comments.
I start out in East Hampton.
Speaker 1 (50:20):
I go to New York, d C.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
During North Carolina, LA, Phoenix, Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Portland,
to name just some. I will be performing at the
Kennedy Center, everybody that's in DC October sixth. I'm super
psyched to be performing there.
Speaker 1 (50:36):
Also.
Speaker 2 (50:36):
I just outed second shows in New York, DC, Seattle,
and San Francisco. There are more I have dates coming
up for the next three months and then more dates
coming up in the fall. So those have all been announced.
Speaker 1 (50:49):
They're on my Instagram page, or you can go to
Chelsea Hamma dot com. Thank you. If you'd like advice
from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast
at gmail dot com and be sure to include your
phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad
Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check
out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.
Hi, Catherine, Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, what's going on? I
just got back from Mexico, and is it? It's still lovely,
It's still wonderful. I go every year for this girls
trip with two of my best girlfriends. I leave my
husband at home. This time there were three dogs to
take care of, so he's slightly resentful, but has forgiven
me for just tell him to shut the fuck up.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Honestly, slightly resentful. Who sperm made those dogs his?
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Absolutely exactly no, But he did great with the pups.
I was gone and I just hung out and playing
with Harris with my girlfriends and a lot of tacos,
and it was great. I like Cabo. Yeah, yes, actually
I'm going to Cobbo a little later this year.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Well, oh my god, look at you. You're like just
a regular globetrotter.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Where are you going next?
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I have a lot of vacations lined up this summer.
I'm going to be all over, but I'm gonna be
globe trotting. I'm going to London, I'm going to Spain.
I'm going to Africa. My sister and I are going
to become lesbians. My dream for us to become a
unit is fine. Happening. She can't resist my advances anymore.
The other day she sent me a property and said,
what do you think about buying this together? I was like, Oh,
(01:07):
here we go. I was like, it's starting. She's starting
to capitulate to the fact that we are going to
be long lost lovers.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Oh fantastic. Which one is it that you're taking as
your lover, Simone?
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Is I am taking her as lover?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Sehan is married, of course, but yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
She It was funny because when we were in Maine
a few years ago, my brother Roy I think I
mentioned this before, wanted to. I was like, Oh, look,
we could all get a compound because like eventually, I
just not eventually for climate change. I want to buy
like one hundred acres, either in Maine or Northern Canada,
somewhere along those lines. And I was like, we can
all have our different houses and you know, on the property,
(01:46):
and then have a main house. Like this is exactly
what I wanted to. Yeah, to just live with in a.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Commune, yes, exactly that you built yourself and it's beautiful and.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
It stays above water. Yes, you know, I'm climate paranoid.
After reading all the things that I've read so I
have had to pivot my reading material. You guys, I
performed at Red Rocks last Wednesday, and it was the
most epic night, one of the most epic nights of
my life.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Well, you posted that you were the first woman to
ever headline.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Female comedian, the first female comedian to ever headline there. Yeah,
I know that's crazy. Hello, Welcome to the future. Anyway,
that was so fun because I woke up Wednesday and
Red Rocks is a huge show. There's like eight thousand
people there. So I get a text from my manager
or agent and they're like, Okay, it's pouring in Colorado,
bring more clothes. And I'm like, well, what do you
(02:35):
mean it's pouring. This is an amphitheater, Like, how do
I perform in the rain? And they're like, oh, rain
or shine, it goes on. I'm like, but it's calling
for Lender. I mean Lounder, you guys was calling for Londer,
not under And I was like, people could get electrocuted
with Lounder and they were like, no, no, they have
a whole system in place. They have a meteorologist that
works at Red Rocks that checks the storm.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
So if it's actually too unsafe, yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
If it's like three miles within three miles of the venue,
I learned that they will call off the show. Anyway,
I went, my sister Smoke came, my bestie Sophie came,
A bunch of people were there, My agents and managers
all came out because it was just going to be
one of those nights. And I never look at the
stage before I go on stage. Huh, I just don't.
But this is something else that's not my thing. But
(03:18):
because it was raining, I went out and I was like,
I just want to see where the roof stops over
the performer.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Are you getting rained?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
Now? What do I need to be wearing out here?
Because I had my hair done, I had like the
extension pieces in like you know, and and then I
saw the stage and the person who was performing was
just getting so now I was like, wait what. So
then I went in the bathroom, ripped out all my
hair pieces, put my hair in a ponytail, rolled up
my sleeves and I was like, bitch, you need to
(03:47):
get your head on string because you are basically going
to be walking around in the rain. And so you
also got rained on well yeah, but it wasn't as dramatic.
I mean it was dramatic for the audience members because
they are the ones that sat there. And they said,
you don't understand Colorado's because I said, I'm not a
performing to a half empty you know, we sTLD tons
of tickets for this. I don't want to perform to
(04:08):
a half empty house. And they were like, no, Colorados
are used to it. They don't care. And I can't
tell you how electrifying the whole night was and almost
getting I mean it was electrifying with no one getting electrocuted,
so that a life. But I was on such a
high and it was so funny. I got home. You know,
we're all drinking, having a little after party, had friends
(04:29):
that came from that live in Colorado. We're all out backstage.
After we go we go to the hotel. You know,
it's so much fun, and we're just such a celebratory mood.
And I'm lying in bed, going to sleep, going I'm
so happy no one's in my bed right now. That
was the last thing I said. As I was falling asleep.
(04:51):
I was like, so happy, And then I was just thinking,
I'm so happy I get to celebrate this a lot.
You get all to yourself. But it was a real
pivot because we flew from Denver to the next night,
I was in New York City. The next night I
played the Catskills, so that was quite a transition. Cat
(05:13):
Skills was awesome. Then I went to Bangor, Maine, and
then I went to Wallingford, Connecticut. So they were all
very great shows. So I just had a great week.
And then this weekend I'm performing at Graceland.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Oh oh my god.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, I'm doing three dates in Tennessee, like Chattanooga and
Memphis and some other Knoxville. Yep.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
I heard Chattanooga is beautiful. I've never been, but I've
heard it's wonderful and like the Mountainey and all that stuff.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Well good, I hope I see that, because you know,
Tennessee is not my hit list right now. I'm not
happy with their politics, so it's very hard for me
to go to these places, even though I know my
presence is necessary.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Right it's needed, it's needed. And we get emails all
the time too about like wait, no, but please come
to these places that are trying to keep you out
or like trying to change the laws and all this stuff.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah, I'll be getting a lot of d on Instagram
and a lot of comments about my Florida, comments about
not visiting Florida. But I have to say, guys, the
only way to make a point in any place in
this country is economically. And even though I'm only one person,
I hope other artists will follow because it's just unacceptable
what he's doing down there. He's disgusting, absolutely disgusting politics.
(06:20):
Now he's trying to ban books from the Holocaust. He's
took away any sort of affirmative action program they have
for universities. I'm not sure what the wording is for Florida,
because it's not called affirmative action down there. I'm sure
they got rid of that language a while ago. So
it's just it makes me so sick to my stomach,
as it should to every American.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
The Daily did a really interesting episode about how Tucker
Carlson is like literally in Florida, they're taking keys from
his playbook and there when he flew all those migrants
to Martha's Vanier. That was something that Tucker Carlson set
on the air and then he went ahead and did it.
Speaker 3 (06:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Well, I read an interesting article also about Rupert Murdoch
Vanity Fair. I guess it was last month. I don't know.
It was in my hotel room, but it was amazing
about the dynamic with his family and you know, basically
how succession is mimicking the whole. He plays the kids
all against each other. And he had lunch with Ronda
Santis and his wife about a year ago and said,
if you are the Republican nominee or if you want
(07:18):
to run for president, like you have our backing, because
now Trump and Fox are you know, at our cross roads.
They're not really, But I don't believe any of these
people because of what happened last time the Minute gets
the nomination, they're all going to turn around and be
like okay, because they'd be willing to take that over,
you know, another Biden administration of course, and Biden administration.
I don't have a lot to say about that either.
(07:39):
Like I I'm for a lot of the things that
he's done, but I understand that he's also one hundred
and seventeen years old. Yeah, that's not going to get
any young people excited, right.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
I will say it has been very nice to just
not have to think about the president for a couple
of years.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
I know, it's so nice to not have to think
about that stuff.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah, Brad has been rewatching parks and rec and is
this very hopeful time before twenty sixteen? And man, it
was a real it was a much simpler time. You're
reminded of like how how maybe foolish we were and
hopeful we were that like things were just going to
keep getting better for everybody.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
I'm not going to participate in the way that I
did last time by watching the news on ad nauseum.
I'm not going to let I'm not going to listen
to Donald Trump speak. I can't take it. It's too upsetting.
And I'm smarter and wiser now and we have to
focus on I don't know what we have to focus on,
quite frankly, I mean it feels slightly, you know, hopeless,
(08:35):
and I don't ever want to I don't ever want
people to listen to me and feel hopeless after So
we're just going to remain positive and know that the
world is a cyclical place and yep, there are good
times and bad times, and let's just enjoy the time
that we're in now.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yeah, and voting still matters, you know, we do what
we can to move toward a better tomorrow, as they say.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
And on it's a very special note. We have a
very special guest. We do you know him? He's in everything.
I first saw him in the Book of Mormon on Broadway.
He's had a book called Too Much Is Not Enough,
and now he has a new book out called Uncle
of the Year. Please welcome Andrew Raddles. Andrew, did we
(09:19):
fucking wake you up?
Speaker 3 (09:20):
No? I was just like late. It's almost two thirty
here in New York, so.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
You were sleeping from last night. Still.
Speaker 3 (09:26):
No, I'm so sorry. Chelsea Handler, that's me. Hi, I'm
so excited to meet you.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Hi, and I'm Catherine Last Catherine my co host.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Hei.
Speaker 3 (09:39):
Hello, how are you.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I'm just great.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Well, congratulations Andrew on your book.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
Well, thank you. You know how hard it is to
write a book and then distribute a book. It's a
tricky situation.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
It's a lot of work to put out a book.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
Yeah, and I'm very proud of this book. I wrote
one a couple of years ago, and that one seemed
to sort of come out a little bit easier in
some ways. This one was a little harder to talk
about and a little harder to share. But I'm very
excited to get to share it. You know. The weirdest,
(10:19):
the weirdest part of it was doing the audio book. Yeah,
I don't know if you had this.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
I find that to be incredibly annoying.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
Well, I like, I wrote it, and I did all
of the stuff, and I feel like I really processed
all of my thoughts. And then I had to like
read it out loud in front of a weird stranger,
an engineer who had not read it, by the.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Way, but gives you notes on your performance and hasn't
read the book and has never met you.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
Yep, And he was like, it doesn't sound like you.
And I was like, I'm sorry, what now doesn't sound
like me? Okay?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
I had a guy go talk more slowly. I don't know,
That's not how I talk.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
Yeah, it was very strange, but I'm happy with the
way it all came out.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
But man, a man, So why do you think that
this experience or the second the second book for you
was more difficult than the first.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I feel like the first book was a little more linear.
It was a little more about like how I started
into showbiz, and like it felt like a little more
natural progression. This one is more about more adult stuff.
I guess it all kind of started because I wrote
(11:37):
this essay for the New York Times about my anxiety,
and it's much more personal.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
Can you talk a little bit about your anxiety experience,
because I know you started therapy because of that, and
then you know it wound up being a very good
thing for you because of other things that happen in
your life.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
I've had many therapists over the years. Some of them
are great, you know therapists, or it's hard to find
a good one sometimes. I really struggled during the pandemic.
I've been very lucky as an actor. I go from
job to job to job, and then I had a
really hard time not working and it was really hard
(12:19):
to like stop and slow down and figure out, well,
who are you if you don't have a job. And
that was a really tough thing to figure out.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
And very relatable basically, since everyone was pretty much out
of a job at the same time. Yeah, even though
it feels isolated like it's happening to you, I mean,
in reality, it is happening to the whole world.
Speaker 3 (12:43):
Everyone sort of had that feeling where like the bottom
just sort of dropped out and you had nothing to do,
and I thought maybe I could relax into it. But
I couldn't relax into it. I see, Yeah, and that
was I thought, maybe, like, well, nothing's happening in everyone's
on the same page and it's totally fine. I couldn't
(13:04):
get on board.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Well, And there is a sort of thing where, you know,
our identities get wrapped up in what we do. It's
the thing we spend ten twelve hours a day doing.
We say, I am a actor, podcast producer, whatever or not.
That's what I do. So it's difficult. We have to
separate those two things.
Speaker 2 (13:21):
It's hard to balance the act of your consciousness like spirituality,
with your reality. Sometimes it's really hard to be the
person you want to be in a stressful situation sometimes
and then you're like, fuck, wait, I thought I would
be able to handle something like this better. Not that
anyone had, you know, any idea the pandemic was coming,
but no, but it is.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
That's a very good way to say it. It's like
I thought maybe I could handle myself better.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Yeah, And I think with therapy a lot you did
you go to therapy before the pandemic as well?
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (13:53):
Sure, yeah, yeah, No, I've had I mean like off
and on for you know, twenty five years. I've had
a different Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Yeah, I know from my own experience that you have
this idea sometimes when you go for a long enough
period of time that you're fixed and there shouldn't be
another issue. Like for me, I'm always like, Okay, I
sorted all of that out. I shouldn't have to face
anything like that again. And so then when you're faced
with it again, and you may act in a seemingly
(14:22):
similar way, you're definitely like, there's self flagellation evolved because
you're like, fuck, I already learned that lesson what am
I doing this again for?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Why did I do it differently? Yeah, I've had many
different therapists. I have a therapist that I went to
for many, many years, and I realized I sort of
hit a wall with this therapist. And I realized when
I hit the wall, he sort of like I was
telling him a story and he sort of like glasped
(14:51):
over it in a little bit like I could I
could tell he wasn't listening. And then he said to me, Andrew,
what's too aimful to remember? It's simply hard to forget.
So what's the laughter? We remember, and I said, did
you just quote the fucking way we were to me?
(15:13):
And he said, oh god, I'm so sorry. I guess
I did. And I said, you quoted the way we
were to a gay man.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And thought you wouldn't catch it?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Was he gay? Because he is now? He's now gay?
Speaker 3 (15:28):
He was not gay? But I was like, how could
that happen?
Speaker 2 (15:32):
That's so funny and so possibly say that right. I've
had moments like that with people when they've said something.
I'm like, that's the end. That's the end of our friendship.
You just crossed the rubicon.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Can I tell you one more therapist please? That I
wrote in my book, And I'm sure my ex boyfriend
would like my ex boyfriend and I His name was Michael.
We really tried. We went to a lot of couple's therapy.
We really really tried. And we went to the couple's therapist.
(16:04):
He was, you know, talking to a therapist, and he said,
Andrew sucks the air out of every room we go into.
It's like I'm not even there. Every time we walk
into a room. It's like no one even sees me.
He went on and on and on and then and
then the therapist said, Andrew, did you hear it? Brian
(16:27):
just said and I said, his name is Michael. He
went what and I said, his name is Michael.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
The same thing happened to me. I talked about this
on an earlier episode. My therapist was like, oh, your
boyfriend Greg. I'm like, you mean my husband, Brad.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I love it. I love it.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Not great, It's not great, Chelsea. Not great.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
I'm going to bring up my favorite story in the book,
which of course, is you having sex with a married
man and then having his wife return your panties to you.
Oh no, yeah, Oh I actually read it. Oh yeah, yeah,
we read it together.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
Read the book.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Yeah yeah, yeah. I'm a reader and Catherine is a
podcast producer, like you said earlier, So that's our job
to read your book.
Speaker 3 (17:16):
I know, but I didn't think most people actually read it. Oh.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
I forced her Taine to send it to us.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
Oh god, okay. I did have sex with a very
ultra conservative married man, just like a one night stand,
and it was a strange situation and I regret doing it.
I wonder how he's doing now. It's sort of my
because I've not kept in touch well.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
And then the part about his wife returning your underwear
to you?
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Yeah, what was the hell like when she started getting
texts from her being like I want to talk to you.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Oh that was a little tricky. So I left. He
sort of took all of my clothing with him, and
we were doing a musical together. And a couple days
later she showed up in town and she did arrive
with my washed and cleaned underwear and like a little baggy.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Like a sachet.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Well it was like a little FedEx.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Bag and was totally fine with the fact that he
was gallivancing around with men.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Correct.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
I mean, I don't know if she was fine with it,
but I think that she had come to terms with it.
I think she had made up her mind that like,
we're going to get through this.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Well, if you think about the dynamic between a gay
man and a woman, right, like your bestie, whoever your
best friend is, that's a gay man. Ideally, the best
chemistry would be for the two of you to be
married and just like her man on the side, you're
in a long term relationship. I know you two are
a very hot couple. You and your boyfriend talks your partner,
I should say, well, because you're more than boyfriend and boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (18:55):
Right, well, yeah, boyfriends partners. Yeah, we're not married. We
met doing Boys in the Band together twenty eighteen, and
we've like, you know, it's the laziest story ever that
like two actors met doing like a show together. Couldn't
have been.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
Lazier, I have to say. I told Chelsea this morning.
I was like, when I realized that's who Andrew Reynolds
was dating, it was like, the two of you together
are so incredibly hot as a couple. I was taken aback.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
You also kind of look alike similar, so I'm sure
you've heard that before.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
We do have a similar vibe.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Yea, yeah, you look like you're both from a different decade,
but a very similar.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Is that narcissistic that I'm sort of dating myself?
Speaker 2 (19:40):
Probably? I mean what else could it be?
Speaker 3 (19:45):
I now dumb actor? DOUWMB actor? Yeah no, And people
have asked me like, well, how did you guys meet?
I was like, well, we were playing boyfriends in a
movie and that's as simple as it is.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
But aren't you like a stepfather?
Speaker 3 (20:01):
Now?
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Doesn't he have two children?
Speaker 3 (20:03):
He does have two children? Yes, you know, am I
a stepfather? You know? I try my best to sort
of be as present as possible. I'm not there a lot, unfortunately.
I work a lot in New York, and he's in
LA and he's in Los Angeles. Yeah, and I.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Can just pop over there and look after the kids.
I love children, So you just tell me when I
know I can take some of the load off.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
I know you dig a kid. I know that from
just being a fan. But you know, it's like it's
tough because I'm gone a lot. I try to be
as present as possible. I really do.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
I really liked in the book how you talked about
sometimes having a difficult time connecting with them. Chelsea and
I have talked about this too. It's like, because they're
like preteenish, right, they're like eleven.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
Ish, they're ten, okay.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
But it's like sometimes you're like, what do I talk
about with a ten year old? It can be difful Yeah,
but you.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Know, I hate fucking having to make conversation. I fucking
hate that. So when you're talking to a ten year
old like that isn't related to you, even when they
are related to you, sometimes it's like it can be
a chore. Like that's why people become parents because they're
ready to take that responsibility on. And I think what
I find so annoying is that I'm not supposed to
take that on. I chose not to do that. So
(21:22):
don't expect me to mingle like with your kids unless
they're fucking cool. And then I'm into your kids, like
I'm in really cool kids. My friend Jamie Greenberg has
a really cool kid, yeah money, and I like her.
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Yeah, but kids are mostly not cool.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Yeah, they're idiots because they haven't grown up yet.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
And and I think being a parent, and I really
appreciate my siblings skill at this, that they really do
engage with their kids in a great way. And I
found that I maybe don't have that skill, Like I
don't I don't have that like natural thing where I'm like, oh,
(22:00):
I know how to talk to a kid. I don't
always know how to. Sometimes I can like sort of
drop in and be and there are moments with TuS
kids where like I do it well, but like, sometimes
I don't do it well, and it's really hard to
It was a really hard lesson to learn, Oh, you're
(22:22):
not naturally good at this, and some people are naturally
good at it. Some people just like know how to
do it and know how to talk and like fuck
around with kids. But like I don't have that gene,
and it was a really hard lesson to figure out. Oh,
you don't know how to do it, that was tricky.
I'm good with like the fun stuff I'm good at,
(22:45):
like messing around at a target, right, doing having some fun,
I'm good at that. Taking them to school not so good.
Not so good at making breakfast now that's so good him.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
What do you think that you're really good at, not
with regard to parenting, but in life in general, Like,
what do you think one of your greatest gifts is?
Speaker 3 (23:10):
I feel like I'm a pretty good friend, Like I
keep in touch.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Well, okay, I think.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Now you're going to get some responses from my friends.
They're going to be like, no, he doesn't, No, he doesn't.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I don't need a lot of things or people to
be on top of me.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
Well I don't feel like I do either, And I
feel like sometimes that bites me in the ass a
little bit, that, like, because I don't need a lot,
then sometimes I don't maybe necessarily give.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Ah, yes, sir, I think those two things are yes. Yes.
I think if you do one, you do the other exactly. Yeah,
I'm guilty of the same thing.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Yeah, I don't need a ton from you, So then
maybe if I don't always give it back, then I'm
looked at as sort of being selfish or being I
don't know. That's a thing that I just sort of
realized about myself.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
Yeah, but selfish is a judgment, so like you shouldn't
think about it that way. You should think about like
are you taking good care of yourself or are you
actually like ignoring the needs of other people that are
important to you that kind of thing.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
Well, that's a nice way to say it.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Well, that's I learned that in therapy.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
I'm going to give you. I'm going to just send
you like a venmo because I feel like this has
been a real therapy session.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Well that's great, because you're you're about to give therapy
to our callers that we have people live. I know.
Speaker 3 (24:31):
I'm very excited.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Yeah, so get ready, Catherine is going to give us
up to get us at speed. Hold on, No, you
don't get any REPI you don't get.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Any Is there anything that I should know, like anything
I should be prepared for you?
Speaker 1 (24:47):
Well, there's a couple of sex questions but we're going
to take a quick break and we will be back
with colors and.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Questions and and we're back.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
We are back. Let's start with a breakup question.
Speaker 3 (25:07):
Oh boy, are you ready? Andrew?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Are you ready?
Speaker 3 (25:10):
My guess?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Yes, this might be This might be a quickie, but
we'll see what comes out of it. This comes from
Tea in New Zealand. Dear Chelsea, I need to break
up with my boyfriend. We met last summer when we
started a new job together. Things moved super quickly. We've
been dating for about seven months now, but it's just
not working out. He's still a great person and I
care about him. I'm a twenty eight year old male
(25:33):
and he is twenty four. Now. My dilemma is this,
our work schedules are totally opposite. The days I'm not
working are the days he is working. And it's just
how our fixed schedules happen to work out. Not only that,
but we live eighty five kilometers, which is about fifty
miles apart from each other.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Thank you for that conversion.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
You're welcome.
Speaker 3 (25:52):
Thank you, thank you for doing that. I was trying
to do the math in my head.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
I can't do That's impossible. Even Sirih couldn't do it.
I had to find again. Okay later. We live fifty
miles apart from each other and work somewhere in the middle.
We don't see each other often, and I've been trying
to schedule a time to hang out, but it's proven unsuccessful.
He wants to hang out on Wednesday when I'm finished
with work, but I feel bad. He'd drive all that
way just for me to end things, and then he'd
(26:17):
have to drive back. However, I know ending things over
the phone is like the cliche movie Scumbag Move. Do
you think it's acceptable in this situation? If you were
in issues, would you hate the person who broke up
with you over the phone more than the person who
made you drive one hundred and seventy kilometers? Thank you, tea.
I think that's a phone call.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Then if he's gonna be driving, yeah, that's just the
right thing to do.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Like I can't.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
You can't make somebody drive to you to get broken
up with, right.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
That's so fucking stupid that, first of all, that entire
conversation is stupid. They're in their twenties, they're not really dating.
They'd live in the same city, fuck up in a relationship,
you don't live in the same city. You're in your
early twenties, You're not.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
Beating each other.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
It's not a big deal. I'll just go out side
over the phone. Do not drag that out. That is
so obnoxious.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I agreed, no text but phone call.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Yes, I know. I'm sure they have really cute accents.
But like done, I'm done. Yeah, I'm done with that one.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Got a nip it in the bud.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Next collar, well, our next.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Collar is Devin. Devin says Dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty
nine year old gay man living in Portland, Oregon, and
on Halloween of twenty twenty one, my ex boyfriend of
two and a half years broke up with me. We
had a good relationship, but he often felt bound by
the constraints of our relationship. When we broke up, I
was utterly devastated. I've come a long way since our
(27:49):
breakup and have embraced my slutty phase by sleeping with
dozens and dozens of men and exploring other kinks that
I didn't have a chance to explore before. My problem
is this, even after a year and a half of
being separated. I still feel insecure about seeing my ex
in public or running into him at a party. Portland
is a small gay community, and I often see him
(28:10):
at our local gym. I can't help myself but think
about the guys he's sleeping with or the men he
might casually be dating. To add insult to injury, I
was primarily the bottom in our relationship and he rarely
let me top. I told him time and time again
that I wanted to top, but somehow we always found
ourselves in the same positions. After our breakup, I was
still logged into his Amazon account when I found a
(28:32):
douche used to clean your butthole before sex, and I
really got in my hat about him bottoming for other
guys when he wouldn't do that. In our relationship, we
struggled a lot with insecurities on both sides, and both
suspected the other wanted to sleep with guys with bigger dicks.
Did these feelings come up in heterosexual relationships as well?
I've tried to refocus and channel my thoughts other places
(28:53):
when these things come up, but sometimes I can't help
but fixate on them. Any advice you have is much
appreciated much love, Debth and Devin is here with us
on the phone.
Speaker 2 (29:03):
Devon's here. You can counsel him directly, Andrew. I can't
wait for.
Speaker 3 (29:06):
This, Devin. I the bottoming conversation. It really took a turn.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Den, I did not. I was not following hold on
Devon's muted first. Welcome your role, Andrew, your role? Okay, Devin,
do you see Andrew? Here's our special guest. How lucky
are you?
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Hi? Hello, Devin? Have you since found a top that
satisfies your needs?
Speaker 4 (29:29):
I'm still dating. I actually had a date last night,
just sort of like casually dating and kind of checking
things out, all right, So the answer, the short answer
is no, I just am kind of like still doing
my thing, sleeping around, doing what I can.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
And what's the Portland scene. Light, it's a big gay scene.
Speaker 4 (29:47):
It's relatively big, I would say, but it's a lot
of the same people. The pool is still kind of limited,
it seems like. And a lot of what I've encountered
is a lot of people are in open relationships.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Also. I now that's such a weird headache, right, people
who are like an open relationships and you're like, yeah,
do it or don't come on now.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
How long have you guys been broken up? You and
your ex boyfriend.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
About a year and a half, so Halloween of twenty one,
so quite a while.
Speaker 3 (30:15):
What did you dress up as on Halloween?
Speaker 2 (30:18):
Is that really necessary?
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Chelsea? I think it's impertinent question in this conversation. It's important.
Speaker 4 (30:24):
The last few years I've dressed up is Trixie Mattel.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
Okay, So that, Chelsea, I feel like that's very informative. Okay,
I feel like we needed to hear that.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
Okay, Well, and then how does that change and pivot
your thinking?
Speaker 3 (30:35):
Andrew, Well, I feel like you're a power bottom.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Uh huh Okay, so you're definitely a power bottom. I
think that it's a long time for you to be
still obsessing about your ex. So have you been to therapy?
Speaker 4 (30:50):
I have, yes, but it's been quite a while, just
because I was seeing a woman therapist and her and
I really hit it off. But then she recommended I
start singing a gay therapist because I was teaching her
more than I was I guess getting back. So she
recommended I see a gay therapist.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
And she sounds like a bottom.
Speaker 4 (31:08):
Yeah, and the two guys that I saw I didn't
connect with them enough. I felt like I was venting
more than I was receiving.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
I guess, how are you meeting people in Portland? Are
you like on apps or is it just sort of
more of a general you're just hanging out in bars
and things or.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
A little bit of both, like the Grinder, But it's
that's a lot of just like hookup culture, you know
what I mean. Yeah, Whereas like, so I went on
a date last night in fact, and I saw him
on Instagram, and that's kind of in a way, and
I kind of reached out and just kind of went
out on a limb, like, hey, I think you're really handsome,
kind of put myself out there. I said, I know
this is a little forward, but like, I think you're
(31:44):
really handsome. You seem like a cool guy. Can I
take you out? So we went out for a drink.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
So how'd that go?
Speaker 4 (31:51):
It was really positive? Yeah, it was really yeah good,
it was a good experience.
Speaker 3 (31:54):
Yeah, well that's good.
Speaker 1 (31:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
I think you have like a lot going on. I
think you're like allowing yourself to fix, which is just
kind of like a mental game that you're playing with yourself.
And I think, you know, talk therapy is a good
way to like deal with that, because you shouldn't have
to be obsessing about, like it's none of your business
what he's doing with other people. He's not your boyfriend anyway,
it really doesn't matter. You're gonna have like a succession
of men in your life moving forward, and regardless of
(32:18):
Portland being a small town, so what, so like, the
sooner you warm up to the idea of bumping into
him and not being so injured by it, I think,
the sooner that it will become normalized, and the sooner
you can move on from this kind of tethering you
have to him.
Speaker 3 (32:32):
That's a very good way to say that, Chelsea is like,
he's not your ex boyfriend, He's just a man, just
another person.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Yeah, and you should, like you should actually try to
bump into him so that the quicker that that happens,
and the sooner you get the ball rolling of normalizing it,
even though if it might feel gross right now or
like you're not ready, I think you should kind of
just force yourself it's been enough time, and just force
yourself to be around him when you know you see him,
be cool. Hey, it's nice to see you don't bring
(32:59):
anything else other then just complete, like just be cool,
so that way you can leave that situation, he knows,
and then you kind of diminish the tension between you two.
Speaker 3 (33:08):
Mm hmm. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:09):
And I think I run into him primarily at the gym,
and like you'll ask me to walk the dog or
watch her if he's out of town.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
And there's part of it like that I don't.
Speaker 4 (33:19):
Love it either, because I don't like to be in
his space, Like I don't like going into his apartment.
I don't mind running into him at the gym, sure,
but yeah, it's like I don't really want to be
in a space I don't want to And I think
part of it's like I identify that I'm still a
little injured by some of these things, and like it's
all feels very surface level what we end up talking about.
It's all like bs, hey, how's it going, Just stupid stuff.
(33:40):
I feel like there's part of me that I still
want to talk about some things that I'm injured by
and some unresolved feelings. I guess, but I don't know
if I just need to like let that go and
move on and yeah, yeahybe, you just let that go.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
I think it's a practice of letting things go. It's
doesn't It's not the easiest thing because you can hold
grudges against people and lay blame because as long as
you're doing that, you're kind of the victim. And I
think there's a little bit of victim victimanus in there,
you know what I'm saying. I think you should really
really try to practice letting go of any anger you
have towards him. Relationships don't work out all the time.
It's really nobody's fault, you know what I mean, It's
(34:13):
just a matter of chemistry and longevity. So like, don't
hold I mean, I know you do, and I know
we all do. But it's something that you want to
start thinking about and actually start practicing, Like whether it's
a mantra, whether it's a meditation, whether it's you reminding
yourself every morning, like you want to give out love
not resentment. You know, as long as you're holding on
to that, it'll kind of have a negative effect on you.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
Sure, Okay, I mean that's something that I could use
as well.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
So thank you, he's getting double dose. We're giving to you,
and we're giving advice to you and to Andrew.
Speaker 3 (34:44):
Yeah, yeah, thank you, You've also given it to me, Devin. So, like, now,
when you're like looking to date people, are you looking
for the opposite sort of person or are you looking
for someone who's sort of similar? Like I've not been
on the dating, but when you're scrolling through, are you
looking through sort of a similar situation or do you
(35:05):
feel like you.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
Are you hitting on him right now? Are you, Andrew?
Speaker 3 (35:09):
Are you hitting on the Oh?
Speaker 2 (35:13):
Oh, I'm sorry, Devin?
Speaker 1 (35:16):
Are you looking for someone that's based in New York.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
And sing whoopsy doodle? Anyway, Devin, are you good with
that advice? Can you start doing that? Can you do
you understand what I'm saying when I say start practicing it?
Speaker 4 (35:32):
Like does that just sort of like let go kind
of forget about it, move on, just kind of like
let the like kind of like give up the resentment.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
Yeah, look at him with love. Like whenever I don't
like someone, I'm always have to say, I'm like love
just love people who cares. You don't have to hang
out with that person, but just show them kindness and love.
It's just good vibes to be given out anyway, you
know what I mean?
Speaker 4 (35:52):
Sure? And I think kind of what right now, what's
kind of happening is begin these little fights or spats
and so then I like leave kind of like resentful,
and I'm like upset, and then I.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
Just like, where do you get in fights and spats?
Speaker 3 (36:04):
Well, he's watching his dog.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Yeah no no, no, no no no no, no, no more
watching the dog. That's no, that's a wrap on that.
Like Andrews said, he doesn't like that.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
I don't like that either. Yeah, And you don't need
to be like his friend. You don't don't need to
be there to support him.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
Especially, you shouldn't be arguing with your ex boyfriend. There's
nothing to argue about. You're not together.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
But that makes sense why you're still hung up a
year and a half later, since there's been this sort
of punting.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
You are postponing this situation for yourself. So you have
to stop going over there and taking care of his dog,
and you certainly have to stop arguing with him. There's
no more arguing. You just won't participate in it. Okay, yeah, yeah, okay,
you can do this.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
I can do it.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Yeah, go get them tiger. Okay, thanks for.
Speaker 4 (36:46):
Calling, all right, Yeah, thank you guys.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
Thanks seven some people need a very firm hand.
Speaker 3 (36:52):
Was a real sweetheart, he was, and.
Speaker 2 (36:54):
He needed a swift kick in the ass because he's.
Speaker 3 (36:56):
Like he did, he cannot watch that man's.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
Dog going over watch oh and then fighting with that
fuck Oh. I'm like a fucking babysitting your dog. I
would never babysit anyone's dog. I once babysat this couple's
I worked with this girl at this restaurant once, and
she asked me to babysit her dogs and stay at
her house, which she thought was like fun for me.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
It wasn't.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
And so I decided after two nights, I'm like, I
can't stay here anymore. So I just wanted to stay
at my own place or I had a boyfriend or something.
And so then I would just leave the dogs there
and go and feed them in the daytime and take
them for like maybe a walk. Yeah, and I did
that the whole week. I was like the worst dog
sitter in the world.
Speaker 3 (37:33):
But they were fine, right.
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Yeah they were. But I wasn't dog sitting them. I
was feeding them.
Speaker 3 (37:38):
Well, that's one can argue. That's more important.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Should we have to our next caller, Yes, let's go.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
To our another one. Yeah, I'm very excited.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Okay, well this look alive.
Speaker 3 (37:50):
What have we got? What have we got?
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Ramone? Ramone? Right, hey, Chelsea, I'm having a serious problem.
My last three long term relationships have begun well, or
so I thought, they turned into toxic relationships that involved addiction,
me being subjected to emotional abuse, manipulation, and sometimes violence.
I ignored quite a few red flags at the beginning of
(38:13):
these relationships because I was raised to give people the
benefit of the doubt. I would also try to ignore
the bad and focus on the good, hoping they would change,
and they never did. My question is, how do I
avoid ending up in yet another relationship with a toxic
or narcissistic manipulator without sacrificing my belief that people can
change and deserve second chances. I'm taking some steps already,
(38:34):
like listening to my intuition, being careful with ignoring red
flags as they appear, and just generally trying to protect
my energy and not give it so freely. I appreciate
any help and insights. Ramone, Hi, Ramone.
Speaker 3 (38:46):
Hi, Ramone, that was a very thorough description of your relationships.
Thank you for sharing that.
Speaker 5 (38:53):
Well, thank you. Yeah, it's been three in a row
of verbal and physical abuse, addiction, and then realizing my
most recent relationship was a narcissist on top of all
that as well.
Speaker 3 (39:04):
Oh boy, how long did the relationships last?
Speaker 5 (39:07):
So my first with my ex husband was ten years?
Speaker 3 (39:11):
Oh wow?
Speaker 5 (39:12):
Yeah, and then the third one was about five and
this most recent was three, So it's almost spent twenty years.
Speaker 3 (39:17):
That's a long time. Yeah, Chelsea, what do you I mean?
Speaker 2 (39:20):
I'm sure that you had a lot of childhood trauma,
have you.
Speaker 5 (39:25):
Yeah, So I was kind of raised to give people
second chances, and that's part of why I wrote in
was I don't want to give that up, and I
want to see people for who they are. But you
know I did. My dad used to beat my mom,
and you know, I grew up as an only child.
So I guess there's a lot of I can relate
to people and maybe in these situations and I kind
of bring them in.
Speaker 2 (39:42):
Yeah. Okay, Well I can tell by everything you're saying
that this is like textbook trauma. You believe that this
is you deserve this and that you can fix people.
Then that this is good enough for you, and that's
not good enough for you, and what you're in charge
of is changing the narrative of your own story. You're
the only person in the world that can and say
this is beneath me. I am no longer settling for this,
(40:03):
like no one else can do that for you. So
until you're ready to make that decision and that declaration
to yourself and to the entire world, then you're going
to keep bringing these people into your life. You have
the ability to stop this. It does not have power
over you. It does not.
Speaker 5 (40:20):
Yeah, with the most recent relationship, I did end it.
He's still, you know, harassing me here there. But for
the most part I'm away from it, and I'm being
more protective of my energy who I give it to,
who's around me, and just trying to be observant that
I don't again court that same energy to me. And
listening to podcasts like this and some other resources I've
(40:41):
been using is kind of getting me to that headspace
where I can maybe be a little more defensive without
giving up my belief that you know, we should bet.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
You don't have to think of it as a negative.
Those two things aren't mutually exclusive, is what I'm trying
to say. You can hold all of that in a
very positive light. It's not like you're rejecting people. You're
a protect yourself. You don't have to think of it
as a rejection or as a defense mechanism. It's a
self preservation as self protection, something that you haven't been
practicing your entire life because of something that you had
(41:11):
no control over that happened to you as a child.
But the difference here is you're an adult now, you
have all the control, and you're choosing to still set
up situations that are emblematic of your childhood. So it's
so much simpler than you even think it is, and
it's so much easier for somebody like an outsider to
point it out to you. Right, So I just want
you to have clarity about how easy this can be
(41:33):
once you, like really make the decision that you're done.
And it sounds like you already have.
Speaker 5 (41:39):
Yeah, you know, like I said, that relationship's over, I
still feel for these people, you know, and I wish
them ill. I want them to meet the most successful
people on the planet just over there, you know, away
from me. And you know, when I left this person,
I said, look, I got to look out for me.
I got to protect myself because I was getting to
a really kind of dangerous space, Like it was just
very stressful. I was constantly like fight or flight. I
couldn't sleep because I'm like, is it going to come
(42:00):
into the bedroom and cause a scene or do something drastic.
So but now I'm in my own place, my own space,
and just trying to focus. As you said, I'm protecting myself.
But just you know, I don't want to lose that
empathy for the people.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
You're not going to lose that. You don't lose that stuff.
That stuff is ingrained in you. You know, you either
have empathy and you don't. I mean, you can gain
empathy if you don't have it, you can practice it.
I've done that, But you don't lose what you have,
Like that's a natural gift. Most people have it, some don't.
But you know, that's a separate conversation. But I believe
in you. I believe that you can totally make these changes.
(42:36):
I know you can because you're thinking about it and
you don't have to be worried about you know, these
kinds of people coming into your life. You know how
to recognize it right away. Like you have a huge
advantage and it's not a rejection. It's a protection. Just
put a positive word to every negative word you're thinking,
because there always is one and it's usually the opposite.
Speaker 1 (42:58):
Yeah, And you don't have to think of empathy as
like this thing you're going to lose. The truth is
like there are red flags, there are orange flags, there
are yellow flags. So as you move forward.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Trying to a purple, I'm blue and green. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
But just because you have empathy for someone doesn't mean
you need to let them into your innermost being or
you're checking account or or your life or your life
or any of those other things. Like Chelsea said, protecting
your energy and recognizing like, oh this person is showing
me red flags that means they're not a good partner
for me, but like I can still be friends with
(43:32):
them whatever. But seeing like some yellow flags like that
might be okay. It just depends on what that is
for you. But also knowing like you have a history
of being okay with those red flags coming into your space.
Speaker 5 (43:44):
That's part of that acceptance. You know, I accept the
people as they are, And I'm good at compartmentalizing things
because I think I did that as a kid. It
compartmentalized on my dad beat my mom, but he also
loves me, So how do I resolve that? So when
a person's terrible to me, I'm like, well, but they're
really sweet here, so I'll just put this away and
I'll fix it later or we'll work on that. But yeah, now,
I mean, after you know, eighteen years of this, I
(44:04):
think I'm done hopefully, But yeah, I think that the
key is I just didn't want to just be so
cold and just like shut it all off, but kind
of bouncing it better, not giving it away and you know,
losing that part of me.
Speaker 2 (44:18):
But also like you're the conductor. It's not up to
other people, It's up to you. So it's easy when
you're in charge to you know that, like, Okay, I'm
the one who who's making these decisions ultimately to allow
these people into your lives. So it's not like, you know,
you have to defer to somebody else or you have
a partner that you're who's doing this. It's you, so
even and easier to fix.
Speaker 1 (44:38):
I wonder if there is an opportunity here because you
are continually attracted to these people who are.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
Horrible, You're gone to read that book attached also that
talks all about these kinds of unhealthy attachments. Have you
read that?
Speaker 5 (44:49):
I got it on my audio read.
Speaker 2 (44:51):
It started today.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Please there might be a way to bring in some reinforcements,
whether that's the friend who's been telling you for years
that this guy's bad for you, he's awful for you,
way bringing in a friend, bringing in a therapist to
be like, Okay, here's what I'm experiencing in this new relationship.
Is this actually healthy? Is this something I should move
toward or cut off right now or move into the
friend zone right now?
Speaker 5 (45:12):
Yeah, my company has some resources for therapy that I'm
going to, you know, look into, because it's just unaccepted.
I can't do it anymore. Like, I mean, it's just
been too long, you know, at my age, I don't
want to have another one of these pop ups. So yeah,
I definitely want to focus on making that not happen again.
Speaker 1 (45:28):
So yeah, and they're not your responsibility, you know, these
these other people in the relationship.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Yeah, Ramone, go get your act together. I've got faith
in you.
Speaker 5 (45:37):
Thank you. And like I said this podcast, actually when
I was in the darkest times with this person, helped
me get away from it because these conversations that you
have with people and the people you have calling in.
It really did help me a lot.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
Thank you. I'd love to hear that.
Speaker 3 (45:52):
All right.
Speaker 1 (45:52):
Well, thanks for calling in ramone.
Speaker 5 (45:57):
Thank you guys.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
Jesus.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Yeah, lots of serious you got down your business. We're
running a medical practice here. This is serious ship.
Speaker 3 (46:09):
I know you're doctors.
Speaker 2 (46:12):
Everyone needs a self esteem boost, everybody. Everybody needs like
an injection of self esteem every morning.
Speaker 3 (46:18):
It is really true. I think we could all use that.
Speaker 2 (46:21):
I know, I wish I knew what that could be.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
I mean, I feel like you come in the room
and it's an injection of self esteem. It's just like
like you give that to yourself in the morning because
you come in the room and it's just like here,
I am, I'm present. I don't know. It's big energy
in a good way.
Speaker 2 (46:37):
Thank you. I appreciate that you are good energy. Andrew.
I think let's take a quick break. Okay, Oh my god,
you you always interrupt the breaks, Andrew, God, there's so long. Okay,
We're going to take a quick break. Andrew's not going
to say anything, and then we'll be right back and
(46:59):
we're back.
Speaker 1 (46:59):
We are back. This one should be an easy one.
For Andrew. I'm back, I'm back, He's back. Dear Chelsea,
I'm forty one and my boyfriend is twenty six. We
met almost two years ago and he was super inexperienced sexually.
When we met, we agreed we'd have an open relationship,
but so far we've been monogamous. Our sex is very
(47:20):
regular but incredibly vanilla. I've tried to spice it up,
but it's been met with very little enthusiasm. I feel
like he needs to experience more dick, a variety of dick.
The thing is, I get anxiety when I think about
opening him up to others, but I really think it's
time to bring this up. What's your advice for go
out and get some dick? What's your advice for getting
(47:40):
myself comfortable and accepting that this young guy deserves my
permission for more penetration? Robert Andrew, Robert Robert No.
Speaker 3 (47:51):
No, he's forty one and his boyfriend is twenty six.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
Yes, and they've been talked together since his everyone was
twenty four.
Speaker 3 (47:59):
No, get no, let him go, set him.
Speaker 1 (48:03):
Free, like totally go yeah or a little bit who cares?
Speaker 2 (48:07):
Just let yeah, he let him? I mean, you can't
force him to go get Dick. No, but you can
make the suggestion.
Speaker 3 (48:14):
Yes, No, let him go, Robert, let him go.
Speaker 2 (48:17):
Everyone needs to sew their oats. I really am a
firm believer of that. I mean, how do you know
what you like unless you try tons of different things.
Speaker 3 (48:25):
Yes, you do a bunch of different stuff and then
figure it out. No, Robert, let him go.
Speaker 2 (48:32):
How old were you when you lost your virginity? Andrew?
Speaker 3 (48:35):
I was sixteen?
Speaker 1 (48:37):
Are you gold star that? I'm a gold start woman?
Speaker 3 (48:45):
Gold star? But not platinum?
Speaker 1 (48:47):
Oh wait, what's platinum?
Speaker 3 (48:49):
Born via C section?
Speaker 2 (48:53):
So never touched him, touched a vagina?
Speaker 1 (48:56):
Got it?
Speaker 2 (48:57):
I'm good enough.
Speaker 1 (48:58):
Platinum, okay, fantastic.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
What's better than the platinum? Anything? No, I mean I
don't know there weren't father, If your mother was a
father and you never were even inside a woman's body? Well, no,
that because you have to Well no, I have to
take that one through.
Speaker 3 (49:16):
Workshop it, workshop it, I will.
Speaker 2 (49:18):
I'll continue to workshop it. I'm sure it won't offend
anybody me questioning. Right, Well, we're ready to wrap it up, Andrew,
I'm going to encourage everybody to get your book.
Speaker 3 (49:28):
Well, thank you so much. And I can't thank you
enough for having me again, huge, huge fan, first time caller,
but longtime listener, and man, no man, am I a
fan of yours And I'm so happy to meet you.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
Thanks, honey, it's so nice to meet you.
Speaker 3 (49:46):
We can end with that something, of course.
Speaker 2 (49:49):
Wait, make sure you guys all get a copy of
Uncle of the Year. That's his second book, andrew second book.
Congratulations on the publication. It's very funny. Everybody grab a
copy and read it. You're going to love it.
Speaker 1 (50:00):
Thank you, no problem, have a great.
Speaker 3 (50:02):
Day, Thank you, bye bye.
Speaker 2 (50:07):
And I have just announced new stand updates for my
Little Big Bitch tour.
Speaker 3 (50:11):
Guys.
Speaker 2 (50:11):
I announced twenty five new cities. These are probably a
lot of the cities people have been mentioning in the comments.
I start out in East Hampton.
Speaker 1 (50:20):
I go to New York, d C.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
During North Carolina, LA, Phoenix, Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, Chicago, Madison, Portland,
to name just some. I will be performing at the
Kennedy Center, everybody that's in DC October sixth. I'm super
psyched to be performing there.
Speaker 1 (50:36):
Also.
Speaker 2 (50:36):
I just outed second shows in New York, DC, Seattle,
and San Francisco. There are more I have dates coming
up for the next three months and then more dates
coming up in the fall. So those have all been announced.
Speaker 1 (50:49):
They're on my Instagram page, or you can go to
Chelsea Hamma dot com. Thank you. If you'd like advice
from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast
at gmail dot com and be sure to include your
phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad
Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check
out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.
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