Here to Meet Men with Monica Padman

Monica Padman of the Armchair Expert podcast is in-studio with Chelsea to discuss babysitting Dax Shepard (and his kids), forgetting how many intimate details of her life she’s shared on podcasts, and having complicated feelings about freezing her eggs.  Then: A relationship is strained by dog-induced anxiety.  A gay orthodox Christian plans to leave home against his parents’ will.  And a college girl has deep regrets about unwanted advances at a party. 

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Need some advice from Chelsea? Email us at [e-mail]

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Executive Producer Nick Stumpf

Produced by Catherine Law

Edited & Engineered by Brandon Dickert

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The views and opinions expressed are solely those of the Podcast author, or individuals participating in the Podcast, and do not represent the opinions of iHeartMedia or its employees.  This Podcast should not be used as medical advice, mental health advice, mental health counseling or therapy, or as imparting any health care recommendations at all.  Individuals are advised to seek independent medical, counseling advice and/or therapy from a competent health care professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issues, health inquiry or matter, including matters discussed on this Podcast. Guests and listeners should not rely on matters discussed in the Podcast and shall not act or shall refrain from acting based on information contained in the Podcast without first seeking independent medical advice.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Okay, I have a beef to pallo everyone. Are you
there to me? Are you God? Are you there? God?
It's me Chelsea and Catherine, Hi, Catherine. I have a
beef to pick with airlines. I'm tell me. First of all,
I am so sick and tired of not being able
to get on fucking WiFi on a plane when I

(00:21):
have an account with Go Go in flight with Delta
Joint Go boin Go ship face I it is so
annoying that they just don't have the planes outfitted with
WiFi for everybody. Stop making me join and have another password.
I have a security thing in my phone with all
my passwords. There are over a thousand passwords. Now I

(00:45):
have a thousand passwords for different things, and I will
never even find the password I'm looking for. If I
go in there to look for Go Go and flight
and then it doesn't allow you to stay online. It
kicks you off the whole flight. It kicks you off,
kicks you off, kicks you off and then But somehow
I always see other people, other people can do it
just fine. They're they're not being kicked off. So like

(01:06):
I know that I have a disconnect with technology, just
like I have a new my my assistant Casey, well
that's Carlo's assistant. Let's just be clear. My assistant has
her own assistant. And he's like, the speaker system at
the house doesn't work because nothing ever works at any
of my homes music. There's just no chance of anything
going smiftly with music. And by the time I get

(01:27):
it working, I can't remember what I like to listen to.
So he's like, oh, we'll get and get Alexa. I
was like, okay, great, let's get Alexa. It's about time
I have Alexa that does even Alexa doesn't listen to me,
she doesn't. I can put my speaker on one speaker,
I can't put the rest of the speakers on, so
I can only play music in one room. So I
have to blast it and then stay away from that

(01:48):
room where it's blasting because it's too loud in that room.
This is so complicated, it's so annoying. I definitely think
I'm I have a hex, like a technology hex on me,
and and I want to say to airline, you're already
fucking losing, you know, you already guys suck you guys
suck right now, not not slight attendants. I love my

(02:08):
flight attendance, and I love pilots, especially when they're sober.
But I don't flights are being canceled because there's not
enough people working. Yeah, people don't want to work. I
get it. I don't get that, actually, but I get
it that that's happening. Planes are so dirty and so gross,
now grosser than they were before COVID. We didn't learn
anything about cleaning planes. When they say we're cleaning, we're cleaning,

(02:29):
cleaning before they work over the side of your arms
to see what's in there. Every flight, I look and
I'm like horrified. Because Carlave, my assistant, travels with wet
wipes all the time. She's always cleaning. She's responsible. She
still wears the mask, you know, wherever she goes. I mean,
I when I see her wearing a mask, I put
my mask on. You know, I'm like, what am I doing?

(02:50):
Why she's right? Why am I not wearing especially on
a plane when the germs are where I could see
the germs. But this WiFi thing is maddening. It is.
And she just put WiFi on every plane so that
everyone could get on for free, and like make it
free so that we're We're all happy and content and
like lost in the blue screen. Yeah, we're all online.

(03:11):
Everyone's online. Stop making a barrier of entry and stop
making pass codes that are like w littwer case C
upper case zero lower case you fuck you. Who do
you think is coming in to break into your fucking WiFi?
Who is that? Especially now thirty so annoying, Chelsea. I

(03:31):
have to tell you about a woman I sat next
to on the plane. Thank god, she was across the
aisle from me and not next to me. But she
was an older woman. She chose that day to not
wear a bra and were a very cleany shirt, which
you know, to each their own, but I could tell
she had like cookie grandma vibes from the minute she
came on there I was sitting, I would not have

(03:53):
doubted it. She proceeded to remove her shoes and not
only placed them on the seat in front of her
her feet, she placed them on the arm rest of
the person in front of her. She placed them inside
the seat back pockets. I've done that. I mean when

(04:14):
I was when I was in my twenties and I
was hungover on a plane, But not today. This woman
was not hungover. She was fully mainlining straight vodka on
the rocks the entire flight and playing video poker out
loud with the sound on. No no, no, no, no no.
I fucking hate that. How it was. It was a

(04:35):
lot when people have their phones on and I have
air pods and I have to say something. Yeah. Thankfully
she only did it for like ten minutes before she
passed out. But the real deal breaker for me was
she kept reaching over to pet Mimsy, my dog was
with me, and you know, at first it was fine,
but it was not fine after she proceeded to massage
her feet, her bare feet with her hands, and then

(04:57):
like eat chips and suck on her fingers. After that,
I was like, no, no, we're done petting the dog.
But this woman, this this was the cardinal send to me.
She chose to go to the airport bathroom two times
with no shoes on on the airplane. On the airplane
where you know, men are like jiggling around and they
can't aim very well and there's p all over the floor.

(05:19):
I just was like, oh, I couldn't handle it. No,
that sounds so disgusting. The whole thing is so gross
and uncouth like honestly, and and this is coming from me,
someone who doesn't have any dignity at all. I mean, honestly,
that is so gross. We were on a flight earlier
to New York and this woman brought a cat on board,
and then she took the cat out, and after everyone

(05:41):
who walked by her, she'd be like, are you allergic?
Are you allergic? And everyone's like yeah, yeah, like five
people out of the seven. She asked that we're sitting
around our area. I was behind her, or were allergic? Everyone?
And I got so finally I said to her, I'm sorry,
why do you keep asking people if they're allergic if
you're not putting the cat away? And she just looked
at me and she goes, I think some people are

(06:01):
just allergic to life, I go, and some people are
allergic to cats. I'm not because I I don't. I
just don't like cats. I prefer not to be hanging
out with cats. But but I mean, I'm not gonna
have an allergic reaction to a cat. But I was like,
stop asking people, like you're basically using the cat as
a conversation starter. And then ender you know, if you

(06:22):
don't want to get into the details, don't get into
the details anyway, Airlines, I really hope you guys step
your fucking shit up, because this is gross already. What's happening?
I mean, we really need someone's calling you. I don't
know if it's someone important, scam likely scam scam. Yeah,
I know. It happens all day long. This is sort
of a secret life hack. I get a lot of
sort of scammy calls from where I'm from because my

(06:45):
zip code, not my zip code, my area code, is
still from my hometown many states away. So I know
if I'm getting a call from like Moleen, Illinois, not
to pick it up. Yeah, it's pretty great wherever you
live in the country. If you're getting a call from
mole In, Illinois, don't pick it up. Do not pick
it up. All right, Well, let's get to our guest

(07:08):
for today. We have a great guest today. She is
a producer and the co host of Armchair Expert, and
she has a new upcoming fertility related podcast that we
can't show the name of yet, but her name is
Monica Padmint and we're happy to have you. Hi, Monica, Hi, oh,
I'm so happy to have you here. I am so

(07:29):
flattered to be here. I can't believe I got the email.
What do you mean you can't believe it? Especially without Dax.
I'm sick of seeing you with Dax. I mean, listen,
you guys have created a quite an extraordinary podcast. Congratulations
on that, because I know you guys just signed a
huge deal. Shout out. Sorry, I heart right, yeah, fuck you,
I heart fuck you. But that's well deserved. Thank me.

(07:52):
Years and years of really hard work and amazing interviews
across the board, whether it be a like celebrity a
neurophysicist as you meant, a celebrity neurophysicist gynecologist is how
I like to classify myself. And then you have another
podcast that's coming out, Yeah, I mean, we have a
a Jillian podcast. To be fair, We we just keep

(08:14):
doing more and more and more. But I do have
one coming out that's me and Liz Plank. You know
Liz Playing. She has a master's in gender. She's on
CNN all the time talking about she's the best seller
on like copy that how men are Wonderful and bad.
She's perfect. And we're doing a podcast. We're gonna freeze
our eggs at the same time, and we're going to

(08:34):
follow that process We're going to check in every day
and like see how we are, while also talking to
different people with different fertility stories. Everyone has one. Yeah,
I know. My friend just posted something and I was
reading and I'm like, I don't even understand what the
hell she was talking about, because I'm so not well
versed in fertility. No one is. No one's taught anything
because women related. It's a female issue, So why would

(08:56):
anybody have to educate themselves on the matter. Exactly? Did
you see that disgusting documentary our Father speaking of infertility?
I'm so scared. Yeah, it's pretty creepy, you guys. It's
the story of a doctor who inseminated his own semen
into all of his patients. Not all, but he has
like a hundred children out there and they all found
each other on twenty three and me, I'm like, wait

(09:18):
a second. I'm like, first of all, I didn't know
you could find siblings on tree and right, I think
there's an option where you put yourself on there is
to say like I'm looking, or you keep it quiet. Oh,
you know, it's hilarious. Started to diverge us, but malt
We had Malcolm Gladwell on recently and he did that,
and a sibling came up and he was like, oh my,
oh my god, I have a twin. It was a twin.

(09:40):
I was like, I have a twin that my mom
didn't tell me about. What do I do? And do it?
Do I confront her about? I can't confront her. My
mom's a twin. Why would she do this? And turns
out it was him again. It was again. It was
just like a weird fluke in the system and it
was just him. That's so stupid. What a ways some
time and right I was laughing so hard. Oh my god.

(10:04):
We actually had someone right into us who was like,
I'm a product of one of these creepy doctors. So gross,
so gross. Yeah, and she and her mom are advocates
now for like I gotta get these people on the pod. Yeah, yeah,
I got to look into it. Actually, that's a great
documentary for you to watch for you, Yeah, because there's
one girl who spearheads the whole thing, and she's the

(10:25):
one who contacts each sibling that pops up because a
lot of these people, you know, were married to their
husbands but couldn't get pregnant, so they thought they were
being inseminated by their husband's were only to find out
twenty years later that their child is someone else's child.
Imagine the disruption. I mean, that's just like I mean,
and the guy's not in jail, he's not he's from

(10:47):
some Republican state because it's not technically illegal. There's some
weird loophole. Yeah, there's a loophole where a doctor could
go jerk off in a room and then come back
and put it in someone's vagina. So that's nice loophole. Guys. Monica,
I want to talk about the story of you meeting
Dax and Christian because I didn't know that you were
their babysitter. I was, that's so funny. I know, so

(11:09):
your babies have for Dax first babysat for them. Well
I did, I was, you know, I came out here
to act. So I did an episode of House Civilize
on which I played Kristen's assistant. Life art very simple,
and she had just had her first kid, and I
was like, well, I also, baby said, that's really how
I make money, So if you ever need one, let
me know, and then she called a couple of weeks later.

(11:30):
Some then I was like, sporadically, Date Night babysitting for
them while they went to the foot spall and then
they had their second and they needed a little bit
more help. So they were like, do you want to
come on more full time? And at first I was
like no, because I am an actor and I need
I need time for my auditions in Santa Monica, so

(11:54):
you need time to prepare. So they were like, will
make that work, like you can go on auditions. It's fine,
Well we'll figure it out. And I was like, okay,
why not. But I really was like, I don't don't
want to babysit again. I had already babies, had that
I worked as a soule cycle, as a big as
a big departure from babysitting. I was like, but I
love these guys. They're so fun and great. And then

(12:15):
it just like slowly started happening. Once Delta, their second,
went to preschool, christ and was like, well, we still
want to keep you around, but we don't need you
as much babysitting wise, do you want to do more
assistant work? And I was like sure, So then I
did that and then I started like writing stuff for her,
and then we kind of partnered up, and then Dax
was like the thing. I went to a podcast and
I was like, oh help, I'll figure it out. Oh wow,

(12:37):
it just like it is. And I mean, I have
to give them so much credit because I don't most
people would just be like, stay in your stay in
your lane, please. And that's actually what Kristen said when
she was on this Really, that's exactly a quote that
Kristen was talking about. When she becomes in videous of
other actresses getting parts or having different kinds of careers
than she has, that Dax would say stay in your lane,

(13:00):
stay in your lane, which I think is kind of like.
I don't like that phrase day in your lane because
I don't want to. As soon as someone tells me
to stay in my lane, there is no I'm dumping
in all the lane is gone. But I think he
meant more, don't try to be who you're not, right,
But he's problematic phrasing. Yeah, well that's his whole problem.
That's why he needs you as a co host. I

(13:22):
thought I thought you actually maybe four das, not the
two kids that now that Yeah, And I think that
since Delta is named now after a variant, that she
should take das. Should you have to take Delta's name
and Delta should take taxes. But I do love their
whole friend group, all of you guys, like you guys
have a nice, tight knit group. I feel like I

(13:44):
kind of know you guys just by watching you guys
on Instagram, and you talk a lot about not having
had a boyfriend. Tell me about that. It is. So
we did Kimmel and he was like, so you've never
had to see his boyfriend and I I was like, like,
I was so. I could not believe he was saying
that out loud on the show. And then he was like, well,
you did a show on it and I was like, oh, yeah,

(14:05):
I forgot. I told everyone already that it's like you forget.
Forget everyone knows, but yeah, I mean, no, I haven't.
I have so many issues around dating. And also before that,
I really was like I can't get one when I
was in middle school and high school when I started
liking boys, and I'm sure it was picking specifically, but
I couldn't get one. And then it taught me like

(14:29):
it really implanted a narrative about myself that like you won't,
you can't, like you don't deserve it, or you're not worthy,
you know all those things. Then I morphed more into
I would pick people who definitely were unattainable, and then
if they started to become more attainable, if they were like, oh, Monica,
then I'd be like, no, something's wrong with you now

(14:52):
because you like me. If you like me, there's a problem.
You're no hunger appealing to me. It's right exactly. So
you know, it's been that whole thing, and I'm in
therapy and I'm working on it, and our show helped,
like Monica and Jess, that show helped, but that was
like right before the pandemic and then and then I
stopped doing anything. Yeah, I mean that sounds like it's

(15:14):
a definite inside job, but I can relate to starting
to believe a narrative about yourself for so long. I
also felt like, even though I've had loves and boyfriends
and stuff like I I there have been times where
I'm like, oh, I'm not marriage material, Like I'm not
going to be that person. I'm not somebody that anyone
would even propose to. I'm not going to have that

(15:35):
or I'm not going to have anything traditional in that sense.
I'm not going to have a life partner I've had
all those thoughts. But yeah, so you've never had a boyfriend. Wow,
I know it's really weird to say even still, yeah,
and how old are you? I'm about to be thirty five? Okay,
Well good, I hope that this is we're coming upon
a big transition in your life. Well, if anyone wants

(15:56):
to spray my eggs, I will have some eggs available.
I don't know, you know, I don't know. That's sort
of the whole thing. But I'm just freezing them to see, like,
you know, some insurance for the future, I guess, but
also like because I don't even I don't know if
I want kids, I'm not sure, but I want the option,

(16:18):
you know. And it's already been interesting because I had
a call with my doctor yesterday and so I've been
on birth control for like ironically, I've been on birth
control for since I was eighteen or something. I's got
on it for my skin and then I've just been
on it. And she was like, well, it's gonna affect
your count, probably you should get off of it for
a few months before and I was like, no, it's

(16:41):
like I'm not doing that. I'm not changing my daily operations.
For this thing that I don't even know if I
want that, And so I like got really in my
head about it and I didn't get off birth control.
And then she called me. She was like, Okay, so
like everything looks good. We like your account does look
a little smaller than it would normally be. And I

(17:01):
was like, fuck that birth control, Like I should have
done it. You know, it's like it's already and I
don't even know. I don't even know if I'm going
to use them. Yeah, a lot of conversations going on
in your head. Yes, that feel like I shouldn't be
thinking about this. I don't even have a partner, I
don't have like why, but women are forced to think
about it. Where did you grow up, Georgia? M what city? Duluth?

(17:23):
Like half hour outside of Land. Okay, so was it conservative?
Is that more liberal? To Luth? Now it is more liberal.
It's like one of the counties that's blue. I was
gonna say, well, you can't get more conservative, but I'm
sorry you can't forgotten you can get more conservative. Oh yes, unfortunately, Yes,
there were like two blue counties. My family lives in
one of them. And it is I mean, it's it

(17:45):
was suburbs. It wasn't like down South or anything like that.
But yes, there's a conservative undertone obviously to that whole state,
so it wasn't too bad. I mean, I think once
I left is when I really could see the differences.
I know. I think that's the whole point of leaving,
is to actually expand your brain and have your thinking

(18:07):
challenged exactly. I mean, just to have your like understanding
of the fact that where you live and grow up.
Like when I meet people or I know, people from
high school that still live in this hound that I
grew up in, I'm like, what kind of life experience
have you had? What are you doing? You live next
door to your fucking mother? I know, I know, yeah

(18:29):
I try. You know. That's my instinct too, is to
be like, yikes, Like with my friends who still live
at home and a lot of them are married there,
We're all still very close, and a lot of them
are married to their high school sweethearts, and yeah, they
live near their family, and and I'm like, oh my god,
if I had done that, it would have been so different.
But then I see them and I'm like, it's working
for them, it wouldn't work for me. I don't think,

(18:52):
which is why I left. But for them, I don't.
I don't know, like their lives will seem happy. And
I'm trying not. I'm just trying not to make mass judgments,
which I want to do all the time, and I'm
trying hard not to. And what are you doing to
actively start dating? Are you on any of these websites?
I'm going on this podcast so that somebody will reach it.

(19:13):
You have a man. Straight guys listen to this podcast,
that's for sure. Yeah, we have one straight guy that
works on the podcast, and that's Catherine's husband. Okay, unavailable.
We did have a straight man that came on the podcast, right,
he called it. He was black, of course, because there
would be no straight white male that it would listen

(19:35):
to this podcast and then stop listening and just sucking
blow his brains out and be like, oh my god,
why am I such an asshole? But yeah, you have
to be actively dating because you're a catch, thank you. Yeah,
and you deserve to be loved and to love I know,
I mean, I know I know that intellectually. Yeah, it's
a matter of knowing it emotionally, you know, like do

(19:57):
you have this like you must because you're so smart
and successful that like where your your brain is not
matching your feelings. No, but yeah, there's dissonance for sure
at times with my brain and my but I mean
it's an an intellectual knowing. I feel like emotional knowing
is like gut it all, and an intellectual knowing is
more powerful than your gut in something you know. And

(20:18):
so I feel like when you know something in your head,
you can infuse that into your gut and it's like
a self conversation and you have to keep implementing that
thought inside your brain so that it becomes part of
who you are, your body, so that you know, I
mean if as long as you're here, you deserve that
interaction to be able to be lit up by somebody,
and to light somebody up is a huge gift. And

(20:40):
look what you're doing, and like how many people love
what you do and listen to what you say. You know,
like imagine if you could have like a direct impact,
that's just gonna be so special when you do find somebody,
I think. So, I mean, look, I also I I
know that that's like what we're supposed to do on Earth.
It's like love people and be loved like I know
that's the real crux of it and the joy. So

(21:02):
I do feel like as much as I get so
much fulfillment from all these things, I'm like, I'm missing
a thing like I do know it. Yeah, that's how
I feel about children, Like I'm gonna miss that love.
I'll never know that love. Did you make an active
decision to not? I just have never had any desire
to do that? None, zero less than zero. You're coming

(21:23):
on our podcast, Well, you're actually you have I have
less than zero interest. It sounds like you have zero
plus one interest because your commitment to your fertilization of
eggs were what even giving up birth control, you might
as well fertilize my eggs. I can see what kind
of it and see what kind of fritata comes after that.

(21:44):
Um okay, So Monica, we're gonna give it real life
advice to people. They call in and they zoom in
Catherine to give us the low down of what we can. Well,
first we have to take a break, right, we take
a bubble back at the beginning of the episode, behind
that curtain, So just get undressed. We'll keep the cameras
on because this is pro This is post me too,
and we want every positivity. Absolutely. Okay, we're gonna take

(22:07):
a break and we'll be right back, and we're back.
We're back with Monica Padmin and Catherine Hi Hi, Hi. Well.
We have a lot in store for us today. And
I love it when it works out that what you
guys have talked about is all the same things that
we're going to talk about. We've got people who aren't

(22:27):
moving away from home, We've got love connections. Let's get
right into it. We actually, in a break from tradition,
have a coller first. We usually have an emaila have
you ever had a caller yet? Never? I've never had
a phone call. Wow, it's exciting. Welcome, Welcome to the

(22:49):
wild world of Zoom. This question comes from Nicole. She says,
Dear Chelsea, subject line is my boyfriend is a helicopter
dog dad. I've been dating my boyfriend a little over
a year and I know he's the one We rarely
have conflicts unless it involves our dogs. He is an
overly cautious helicopter dog dad and I am the opposite.

(23:11):
He has a thirty pound spaniel that's softer than baby food.
The dog is riddled with anxiety over any loud noise,
has terrible vision, causing him to run into things, and
gets diarrhea from anything that's not his own food. These
characteristics have only increased my boyfriend's own unmedicated anxiety and
cause him to watch the dogs every move, including carrying

(23:33):
him down porch steps and fear he'll fall down them,
and following him around the yard, not allowing him to
nibble on anything. I, on the other hand, have an
extremely playful, sixty pound husky mix. My boyfriend loves my
dog very much, but having the two dogs together causes
him a lot of stress. He breaks up play fights
almost immediately, gets frustrated when they steal each other's toys,

(23:55):
and is unable to focus on much else because he's
constantly watching them. I try to respect this because I
agree it's annoying, but sometimes I just want to shout
let them be dogs. We only sleep over at each
other's places once a weekend because of their energy. We
have our own places, but he recently bought a house
with the intention that I will eventually move in. I'm

(24:15):
more than ready to take that step, and he is too.
If it weren't for the animal chaos, I've offered to
hire a trainer. I regularly suggested that we had just
immersed them in more time together in order to get
them more acclimated. He's receptive to this, But then his
dog woke up a few weeks ago unable to walk,
and he began walking later that day, acting completely normal.

(24:36):
My dog hasn't been allowed around him in over two weeks,
meaning we also haven't had any overnights. He also canceled
our cooking class that was part of my birthday present,
as well as a golf trip he was supposed to
take too long. I mean, this is the cutdown Bard.
I'm concerned that his overly cautious parenting is going to

(24:59):
cause issues when we raise our own children one day,
and I'm beginning to resent the situation for holding back
our relationship. So my question for you is, how do
I express my concern that he's too overbearing and it's
only causing his dog and me to become more anxious
as a result. And how do I get us to
the place of being ready to live together without allowing

(25:19):
the dogs to dictate that Timeline Nicole, Hi, Nicole, this
is Monica. She's our special guest today and you've met Catherine.
Hello Monica, God, your boyfriend sounds so sorry to use
this word, but annoying, you know, I mean, God, it's
like a fucking this is like serious, like his dog

(25:40):
has overtaken the entire situation. He really has yes to
say with love. It is annoying. Yes, this has been
our one point of contention. As I was telling Katherine,
I mean, everything else in our relationship is just so
easy and natural and everything that I've looked for on

(26:01):
the boxes to check off. Um, so this is just
the one that I'm trying to find my own acceptance
of his parenting style. But yeah, just it holding us back. Okay,
So has there been any conversation about going to an
actual dog therapist for both him and the dog dog therapist? No,
we do have a trainer that will start this coming

(26:22):
weekend in home sessions with both dogs. So yes, I'm
very much looking forward to that. At this stage, he
is unapologetic of how he is. I think there's childhood
trauma that I pair with it if I try to
really dig deep in why he is so overly cautious.

(26:43):
But there's a deeper thing happening, I think, and look,
I'm not, And you're gonna be mad at me for
saying this. Maybe already know, but I'm not a dog person,
so you know, take this with a grain of salt
a little bit, I guess. But it does seem like
he's putting that dog above you, the human, and that's
the crux for me of the issue. Yes, and I've

(27:04):
brought that up. He doesn't see it that way, So
that's why I'm seeking help of how to just bridge
that conversation. Yeah, I think that first of all, you
have a legitimate reason to be discussing this with him.
Any avoidance of going to therapy is kind of an
excusable at this point in the world and in society,
it's not cool to not be open to that. And

(27:25):
if you're talking about having children with him and he's
using this behavior with his dog, you have every right
to be concerned about it, Like, yeah, how are you
going to have a future with this guy if he
can't handle what has dog walking around the yard? I mean,
I understand it's a special situation with the dog, but
like he's got to learn how some coping mechanisms and yeah,

(27:46):
childhood trauma is going to bite you in the ass.
It doesn't go away. It hurts you. It will come
and get you for all of us, yes, all for
all of us, even her unfertilized eggs. It's gonna get.
They're gonna get the trauma, and they're gonna probably m Yeah,
you've got to really impress that upon him. I mean
there's also a way, Like when I say dog therapist,
I mean like for the owner, the trainer is a

(28:08):
great start, and hopefully that will work, but if it
doesn't exhaust other possibilities, try and get a dog therapist
that can actually help a dog owner communicate with their dog,
helped a dog because his anxiety is only leading to
more dog anxiety. The two are feeding off of each
other so clearly. And you can raise the concern obviously,
like you've already said with love about moving forward in

(28:30):
your life, like this is actually becoming a concern for
you and you want to figure out what to do
about it. You have to kind of introduce that in
a way like that is a non negotiable for moving forward,
because the situation sounds like it's become untenable. It has, Yes,
I mean I've they've never been left alone together, and
we've been together for over a year. The dogs have

(28:50):
never been left alone in the house together. My parents
have only met his dog a handful of times and
word together all of the time, so that it puts
a very r on our social outings because we just
have to get back to separate homes with the dogs.
At the same time, he could very well be moving
for work as soon as six months, and we've already
had that discussion that I would be going with. So hey,

(29:13):
are we going to go from zero to one hundred overnight?
Like we need to start building this and I just
at action yet. Okay, Well, that's actually great first action
for you to take. I mean, you're on the right track.
You sound pretty sensible pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you should have that conversation with him, for sure. But
I mean I think there are more How old is
his dog? Will he die soon? Can you put him

(29:36):
down when he's at work one day? That's terrible? Oh
my god, oh my god? And how old your dog?
To okay, because yeah, we're in it. Okay, Well, I mean, listen,
the trainer is gonna come. If that doesn't work out,
then that leads you to the next conversation. You've exhausted

(29:57):
that possibility. If it doesn't work out, hopefully it will
and you can talk about a dog therapist or a
real therapist, and what about a couple's therapists for the
two of you. It's always helpful to have like a
third party there who can say to his face, hey,
this is a little bit unreasonable. And also there's no
such thing as this is just who I am. Like,

(30:19):
people evolve and if you guys are a couple, you're
gonna have your own thing that you're going to have
to figure out. And if you have kids, oh my god,
like everyone is forced to evolve. He needs to get
on board, right, That's why I said, like, our kids
have to be able to fall down and get a
scrape and you know, build a resiliency and find risk
in that. Like, how have your conversation has gone thus

(30:39):
far when this subject comes up? How deep have you gotten?
Not incredibly deep. I turned into a bit of a
passive person when it comes into any conflict, and then
I start to cry and then things get awkward, and
so things come up regularly but not in depth. No, Okay,
well you need to work on that. You have to, Yeah,

(31:00):
and you can. It's not fair to cry whenever anything
gets when the conflict comes up, because that puts into
the other person in a really not fair position, you
know what I mean. So you have to do that
work for yourself as well and focus on that and
just difficult conversations help unify people, not take them apart.
And that's something to remember, Like when you have a

(31:21):
challenging conversation, it's always an opportunity for growth. You don't
have to get scared and look away or avoid and
be passive and all of that stuff. It's a good
skill to practice and learn and it's going to come
in handy with all of these issues. So please start
with this conversation. You know, it is a big concern.
You called into us, You're obviously concerned, and the next
step is to sit down with him and be like,

(31:43):
we need to really address this. This is our first point.
And now if if the dog trainer works, great after that,
this is the next step. This is the plan of attack.
And we also have to work on communicating better because
I feel like this dog is ruling my life and
that's just silly, and no matter what's going on with
that dog, it shouldn't be ruling your life. Exactly, yes,

(32:04):
thank you for that conformation. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, let us
know what happens, Nicole. Yeah, yeah, I will. I will
thank you so much by all right, bye, thank you.
How funny that we have the one guest that doesn't
like dogs on our first dog question. It's not our
first dog question, but it's it's we don't often get

(32:25):
dog questions. Move get rid of that dog, no, no, no, no,
I know. I kind of also was like, this dog
sounds sickly, maybe it will die soon. But I mean,
and that's part of why I wanted to have Monica
for that question, because like you're not overwhelmed by like,
oh my god, I totally get it. I love that
dog so much. But no, for me, it's like that's
just indicative of a much deeper issue of he's projecting

(32:48):
all his anxiety onto this dog. It's gonna go somewhere.
Even if the dog gets trained, he's gonna Yeah, and
that hyper vigilance, you know, it's early days kind of
because they've been together for a year, but like that
hyper vigilance will permeate everything. Like that's something I've been
working on a ton in therapy, not constantly being worried

(33:09):
about what's the next terrible thing that can happen? And
hopefully this dog trainer will help with some of that,
just being like, hey, this is normal dog stuff. But
also they'll probably have to take a next step and
see an actual therapist. Yeah. I just hate people's resistance
to therapy. It's just it fucking drives me up. Yes,
it's still how I don't because people are scared to

(33:31):
tap into what is dark and no ominous underneath them,
Like they don't want to revisit that. They want to
think that nothing in life has anything to do with that.
Oh my god. I mean, just look at what happened
to you, Chelsea. You're open and vulnerable and feeling things. Yeah,
and I used to be shut off and closed down
and angry, and I'm not anymore because I know how
to deal with my emotions now. Some people want to

(33:52):
stay angry. Yeah, Well, if they don't want to stay angry,
they just don't want to feel so so to that
dark place and have to unearth it because it's not
a pleasant experience, but it's a valuable experience and it
will make you a much more well rounded person. I
almost emailed you a few months ago because I was
looking for a new therapist, and when you were on
our show, you were like raving about yours and I

(34:13):
was like, oh, I should ask Chelsea. But then I
found I found my found an incredible therapist and I'm
very happy with But oh, good, well that's great. I
mean I had already been in therapy, but I was like,
this isn't enough. I need more. I need different. I
went to my therapist yesterday and after we were done,
he's like, Okay, I'm leaving in ten days and I
was like, I am to I won't be back until September.

(34:35):
And he was like, okay, well dude, let me know
if you want to connect before you leave. I'm like,
we just fucking saw each other. Like this is it.
This is goodbye for two months. This is incremental. Like
now I only use it for incremental stuff. You know,
I'm going through a breakup. I need my therapist. I
want to handle these emotions right. I don't want to
fucking fast track anything. I want to do it the

(34:56):
right way. And now I'm done with you, so please,
I'm not saying you again. Also, my therapist, this is
so great. I go to his house. We sit in
his backyard. And there's a construction site inside his backyard,
and I was like, wait, are you serious with a
chainsaw going the entire time and I'm like, Dan, are

(35:16):
you inviting like please, people of customers? Are you betty
patients over? That's what I call my fans customers when
they're at the show, the live show. I'm like, hello, customers.
I'm like, Dad, are you can't have therapy sessions when
there's a fucking drill happening in your backyard? I want
to go to a construction site. I'll go to my
own house and reflected in the Reflection pond while our

(35:39):
next question, and this is kind of a touchy topic,
but this comes from Julia. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm
a college student. A couple of months ago, I got
really drunk and sat on a guy and kissed him.
I vaguely also remember asking him if he wanted to
have sex, to which he said no. Obviously, this guy

(36:00):
has since said everything is cool, he doesn't care about
what happened. However, my actions still haunt me, and this
has become quite literally all I think about. I don't
know why or how that happened. I'm assuming somehow in
my drunken state, I thought that I was flirting, and
since that point I've never ever gotten that drunk. I

(36:21):
completely understand what I did was wrong, and I wanted
to reach out for advice. I wanted to come to you, specifically, Chelsea,
because I know you've been caught up in a similar
situation to which you inapropriately touched someone and meant no harm,
but nonetheless it still happened. How do I deal with
the shame of knowing this will always be part of
my record? Hi? Julia, Hi, this is Monica, and that's Catherine,

(36:45):
my Monica. Hi. Okay, first of all, you need to
give yourself a break. All you did was, I mean,
you kissed somebody and you were at a party and
you were drunk. That is not anything to take to
your grave to be shameful about. You made a mistake,
That's okay, That's what human beings do. They make mistakes.
And what was your interaction with him after the incident?

(37:06):
I mean after it it kind of just was awkward.
I guess, like I did apologize to him, which is
one thing that I'm really happy that I did, But
other than that, for some reason, it just really like
sticks with me. I feel like a lot of people
have told me like, it's okay, you can let it go,
but it's just it's for some reason, it has really
stuck with me. Okay, you have got to give yourself

(37:27):
a break. You are going to make mistakes in life.
You did not hurt anybody, You did not murder somebody.
You were inappropriate, that is not an offense that is unforgivable,
and you apologized and took accountability. That's it. That's the
end of that story. So you have to get past
that because you're beating yourself up here, and then this
will become a pattern in your life. So you need

(37:49):
to disrupt this pattern immediately and know that you just
had a good time. You're at a party and it's
not like you did something that bad. You know, it
was just unwelcome and of course it was awkward. That
what being in what are you in your twenties? Is
about awkward buck ups? I mean, come on, did you
grow up in a household that made you feel really
bad about everything you did? I think so. I feel

(38:11):
like I come almost also a very religious backgrounds, like yeah,
that's the problem. You can't have so much shame, that's
been ingrained and it's not fair and it's not about you.
It's just in your body now, So it's on you
to like shed that because I don't can we even
call it a mistake. I'm I'm having trouble even accepting

(38:34):
this as a mistake. I mean, I don't think it's
that big of a deal. It's like that would be
hard for me to take seriously as it's like that's
something I would make a joke about, you know, like
it was a silly thing. But yeah, your shame is
coming from your family dynamic and from your religious background,
and you have to get to a place where you
understand that human beings make mistakes and all you can
do is be accountable for that mistake, and then afterwards

(38:55):
that mistake is over, there's nothing else for you to do. Yeah,
and I think right now, there is so much conversation
around consent, and of course that's something that's so important,
but there is also hooking up at parties. It's a
thing that happens all of the time. And of course
you have to take what he said, which is, hey,
we're cool, it's fine, don't worry about it. You have

(39:16):
to take that at face value. You know, and I
think there's some forgiveness of yourself that needs to happen. Yeah.
I think for a very long time I was kind
of trying to put words in his mouth like you
should feel really bad about this, like you should be
mad at me. But I really agree with that. I
feel like I need to take it at face value
and just say, like, this is what you told me,
that it's okay, and I need to be okay with that.

(39:39):
You also asked him, you asked him if if you
wanted to have sex, and he said no, And then
that's that, Like, that's I've had girlfriends who have done
way more embarrassing things than that. Okay. My girlfriend once
had sex with a guy and as soon as they
got undressed, he said, I love you. Can you imagine

(40:00):
she felt the next day when he told every fucking
body that she told him she loved him because she
was wasted and naked and said I love you. And
he was like, oh my god, I can't even funck
you now, because what are you talking about? That? That's shame. Okay,
that's embarrassing. So whenever you're dealing with something, think about
the more extreme versions of that. You know, you could

(40:21):
have sat on his lap, pulled your pants down, or
pulled your boobs out and really made an asset of yourself.
You didn't do that. You didn't do that. You're sweet
and you need to forgive yourself and watch an episode
of Girls Gone Wild to make yourself exactly. And I
think a good thing to remember is you don't want
to go through life having no regrets, Like what would

(40:42):
you learn? What would you take away if you look
back and you're like, I did everything absolutely perfectly, exactly
the way I wanted to do it, Like, first of all,
just not possible. And secondly, like that's how you grow
and learn. You need those moments that I also agree
with the two because I think I also from the
same background, Like I feel like this is the first
thing that I messed up on, and I think it's

(41:04):
like a learning experience, and I feel like I'm going
to start looking at it that way. Yes, yes, because
there's gonna be other things that you mess up on,
and you have to practice forgiveness for yourself. There is
it's a such wasted time to beat yourself up and
barrate yourself. You know, you have to let it go.
Just let it go. There's a book called Letting Go,
but that's a big read. But yeah, use this as

(41:25):
your first example and make this first time the last
time that you go through this with yourself and your
self kind of immolation of it. Yeah, and if you
do find that you can't get this out of your head,
that's when it's time to talk to somebody. You know.
Why does this keep being on spencycle in my mind? Well,
thank you so much for calling in. Give yourself a break. Yeah,

(41:46):
I give yourself a break, Julia. Go out and have
another experience with a guy. As soon as you have
your next experience, that one's going to be forgett if
you know you're gonna forget about that anyway, that was
like so virginal, you know. When I talked to her
a couple like it was like maybe a month and
a half ago. When I first talked to her, she
was like fragile, you know, she was just absolutely destroyed.

(42:09):
And I was like, you need to come on here,
and oh, yeah, you kissed the boy at a party.
And when he said no, you stopped. You know one
thing I wish we had said, I I didn't say,
can we call her back? She said in her in
her letter, he said, no, obviously, and the fact that

(42:30):
she wrote obviously means she just doesn't have any and
I can relate like self worth, he said, obviously, he
didn't want to have sex with me. It was crazy.
It was crazy that I even did that because I
missed that part ship. Maybe she'll listen now, Oh yeah,
she's still listening because she will be on the podcast.
So yeah, no, obviously, there you go. That's your issue
right there, is that you don't believe that you're worthy

(42:52):
of somebody being interested in you. That's why you feel
shamed because you were rejected. And by the way, rejection
is what makes us all badass and straw bring it on,
is what I say about rejection. Not too much between
ten and fifteen. Once a year, Well, our next call

(43:19):
comes from Marcus. He is one that I was talking
about that maybe hasn't gotten away from home quickly enough.
He says. I'm a twenty five year old gay mail
that was brought up in a very strict orthodox Christian household.
Although I was able to move out for college, it
was always under the presumption that i'd moved back, which
I did. Since then I completed my master's degree, online

(43:41):
and have been working in my career since it's taboo
and my family to move out, either before marriage or
before buying a house. I have two older siblings and
thirty one who both live at home as well. Although
I work from home, I leave during the day and
drive around or work from my office just to get away.
I have expressed the desire to move out to my

(44:02):
older siblings and family, and I'm met with shame, discontent,
and the conversation is shut down altogether. My sister tells
me to wait until she's married, but I'm tired of
living life this way. I desperately want to go and
a room opened up where my friend is living just
fifteen minutes away. I don't want to lose this opportunity,
but I know it will enrage my parents to go,

(44:23):
break their hearts and ultimately lead to a lot of
chaos for everyone. I'm not religious at all, and I
had to suffer a lot from being brought up with
such dogmatic people, especially since I'm gay, which I've not
had this conversation with them yet. I just want to
live my life, So what do I do? Sincerely, Marcus Marcus, Hey,
thanks for having me O. Hi. This is Monica and Catherine.

(44:46):
Nice to meet you, guys. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm always so amazed by people who are so respectful
and nice to their parents. I'm just by I know,
I know, I agree. So what religion are you dealing with?
Coptic Orthodox Christian Ship. I don't know enough about that.

(45:07):
We don't know those words. Okay, So they want you
to stay at home for when until when? It's sort
of like indefinite. I would say it's just the norm
to stay until you're either married or you have a
house to yourself. But I don't think anyone's gonna marry
me while I live at home, and I don't see
myself like buying a house anytime soon. So I'm just

(45:28):
floating around. And do you have a plan in place
about having this kind of conversation with your parents because
you definitely should move out. You need to have your
own identity. Yeah. So I've already kind of like broached
it with my mom and she hung up on me,
and we haven't really spoken about it, since that's kind
of the norm. I would say, like in my household,
we don't really talk about things. So I don't know.

(45:50):
I just feel like it's sort of like, don't even
bring that conversation. It's not even a discussion, you know
what I mean. And I know, Marcus, you mentioned that
you feel like you have to be kind of a
buffer for of the family drama as well, so that's
part of what's keeping you back. Yeah, it's sort of
like I feel guilty abandoning them because there is so
much like discordance in the house. I just feel like

(46:12):
no one really has like tools to navigate that except
for me, because like I'm the only one that's like
in therapy and stuff. So I just feel kind of
like bad leaving. But at the same time, it's like
I feel like I should leave. Well, I think you
should leave too, And I think that therapy you can
use that as a reason why you're leaving, Like you
understand that the dysfunction in that household is unhealthy for

(46:34):
you and that you have to remove yourself from that
situation for your mental health, you know what I mean.
And you are gay. You have to be true to
who that is and true to yourself, and you have
to go and live a life for yourself, not for
your parents. You cannot live a life for your family
or for your parents, and the sooner that you get
out of there, the sooner that that's going to break open.

(46:54):
And yeah, it might cause a lot of chaos and
a lot of disruption, but you know what, it's one
step in the right direction. It because there is going
to be a time and a place where your parents
are going to have to accept that new reality and
it's not gonna happen while you're still living in their house. Yeah,
you're right. I feel like I'm just kind of putting
a band aid on like a larger issue. Well, you're
prolonging in your future, like your destiny is waiting for you,
and you're putting it on hold. Because if you don't

(47:17):
want to upset your parents, and if you're gonna live
your life for your parents, then then that's pointless and
it's a sinking ship that you have to get off of.
If there's all kinds of turmoil and stuff, they're like,
remove yours. I'll put your face mask on first and
leave and then maybe it will help. Maybe it will
some of the other people in your family will be like, wow,
he did this, and maybe I could do something for

(47:39):
myself to like, you don't know, the good it could
cause also, Yeah, you're right, and you could go from
being a buffer to being a safe harbor if you're
not in the middle of everything, if you become the
sibling with a safe space that's outside of the house. Yeah,
and I know it takes a lot of guts and courage.
Like I know it's scary to make these kinds of moves,

(47:59):
but life moves. I think in terms of the universe
and energy and karma. When you really like stand up
for yourself. You don't even know what's out there for
you yet, you know what I mean, what what rewards
are out there for you, What relationships are out there
for you? What what the domino effect will have on
your brothers and that your other family members. It could
take a long time, but you could have a really

(48:21):
positive impact on the entire family and their understanding of
a broader world and not this kind of dogmatic, small thinking,
narrow mindedness that you've grown up with. You know, any
Orthodox religion is obviously very very particular, and you're not
just thinking about yourself, You're thinking about your family, and
then you're thinking about the whole world, right, and you're

(48:43):
gonna be doing the world a service by being brave
enough to face this situation and leave at whatever cost.
If your parents don't want to speak to you for
a year, then that fucking sucks. But at least you're
being true to who you are and that is way
more valuable than anything else. Yeah, this is an and
on thing. But like you can't fix other people. We

(49:04):
all think we can be the one to fix everyone
around us, and we cannot, and it can become totally
all consuming. And so it is not your job to
stay and make sure that the dynamic is positive, Like
you can't. Yeah, I mean, and it's not like I'm
really making it positive anyways. I'm sort of just like, well,
if I'm here, then it can't be terrible. But it's

(49:26):
not like I'm really helping anything in the first place. No,
you're not. You need courage. You have to get that courage.
It's inside of you. Take it and harness it and
do make a move because what you're doing isn't courageous
right now. You're just being a part of somebody's story.
You have to create your own story. Yeah, because I
have um an opportunity to move out with a friend

(49:47):
that I have to respond to by this week. You're going, yeah,
you're going, Yes, you're going. You need to tell them
the email today or call him or her today that yeah,
you're gonna it'll be this move. You've got to make
this move, Marcus. Yeah, right now. I was literally right
before this, I was like, should I just start packing? Yes,

(50:08):
yes you should, and you should say it's for your
mental health that your parents just explain to them that
you're in therapy. This is what's going to happen. I'm
sorry if this is hurting you. I'm sorry if this
is a disruption. But for me to be healthy, I
have to move out. Okay. And if they hang up,
they hang up, that's not your job to call back.
It's not like let that be yes, right and tell

(50:31):
them you're a therapist, dr handler to talk to him.
I'm sure they're huge fans. All right, thanks Marcus. Let
us know how it goes. Okay, thank you, thank you
so much for having me. Thank you, honey. Oh cute,
so cute? Oh my god? What the frothodics? Topic pregnancy? Religion?

(50:52):
What is that? Optic? I optic even Orthodox Christianity Toptic
Orthodox second, I'm like, coptic, Coptic Orthodox Christianity. Fuck can
you imagine living with your family and being like in
that much of a buzzkill situation. I mean, that's the

(51:13):
definition of a buzz kill. Is an e topic Christian
Orthodox family. It's illegal in Texas. Well. We have one
more question. This is just an email, but this comes
from Jenna. This is Jenna Bush. It's always Jenna Always.
You can't wait to advise her. I'm writing to you

(51:36):
today to ask for your advice about how to navigate
friendships throughout your thirties. I wish more people spoke about
this specific time of life, as I'm finding it to
be quite challenging. I'm thirty three years old, married and
we do not have kids. I'm in graduate studies and
I'm just getting started in my new career. We have
a cat and a dog that are like our babies,
and a nephew that we absolutely adore. I've always had

(51:58):
a big, tight knit group of friends, and we've shared
so many amazing memories over the years, like camping weekends together,
fitness states, parties, all that fun stuff. Over the past
few years, a lot of my friends have had major
life changes. Many are having kids now, and some of
our closest friends have moved across or out of the
country to chase their dreams. Everything feels like it's changed now.

(52:19):
Everyone has different priorities and many are not available to
hang out the way we used to. It really bums
me out. The friends who have kids I'm so happy for,
but I have to admit that whenever I find out
another friend is having a baby, a little part of
me is sad because I know the friendship will be
different now. I'm aware that this sounds so selfish, but
I can't help but feel inadequate, and conversations about kids

(52:40):
feel like my friends don't think I'm relatable anymore. As
I get older, I feel increasingly uncomfortable in these group settings,
as everyone just talks about their kids. My husband and
I maybe want kids later on. However, we're both in
care professions that are really emotionally heavy and are living
with an enormous amount of student debts, so we definitely
don't feel like we have the capacity to start family

(53:00):
right now. I can't help but feel so behind everyone else.
At the same time, I'm happy and so grateful for
what we do have great health, great career prospects, and
a really lovely relationship full of adventure. And love. How
can I get through all of these conversations about kids
this next decade without feeling like an inadequate, unrelatable asshole.
All the best, Jenna, I know this, Yeah, you know,

(53:28):
I think the most important Like when she says like
I'm unrelatable, just just give your two cents, Like when
people are talking about their kids, I'm sure she has
an opinion on it. I'm sure just because she doesn't
have kids doesn't mean she doesn't know kids or is
around them or have her own opinions, Like you can
still share them whether or not you're in that club.
And I also think you can be the one to

(53:50):
initiate conversations that are not about that. I mean, I
feel really lucky in my friend group because everyone's married,
everyone has kids except me, But it doesn't feel like
that's the main focus. Like the kids are around, but
we talk about other stuff. But you can be the
one to be like how about those Dodgers? Um? Yeah.

(54:11):
And also you don't have to look at the kids
as an obstacle to a friendship, like it doesn't have
to be that way. You can reframe your thinking and
look at kids as an additive, like it's a learning
experience for you to look at all the stuff you
can soak up by being around all your friends kids,
especially if you're one day maybe thinking about having them.
You're thinking about it all like in the negative way.

(54:31):
So it's kind of about just reframing your headspace and
like looking at something like, oh, look, this is a
learning opportunity, or oh look, this is an interesting situation
that I could get something out of. Even spending time
with children, like whether you're into them or not, Like
spending time with children is like illuminating. It's so funny
cool to hear their perspectives and see how they think,
and they're unbespurged mind. When a kids see something for

(54:53):
the first time, it puts two and two together about
something You're like, oh shit, I never looked at it
that way, you know. So there there are a lot
of advantages to having friends with kids, and like they're
probably fucking jealous of you that you don't have to
deal with any of those responsibilities. You and your husband
have careers, and I know you said you work in
like serious kind of care situation, but you still like

(55:13):
don't have the responsibility of raising children, and like that's
also something to be celebrating. Enjoy your time being single
without those responsibilities. Enjoy your time together you and your husband,
you're alone time. You never know what the hell is
going to happen in this world. You never know how
much time you have with somebody. So instead of looking
at the things that you don't have, please start thinking

(55:33):
about the things that you do have, And out of
gratitude things grow. You know what I mean. When you
look around and you say thank you for all of this,
more comes and you get abundance. And so I really
just think it's your pattern of thinking that you can
just easily switch around by reading, you know, a couple
of decent books about spirituality and about recognizing the differences

(55:53):
that other people are things that can draw you in,
not push you away. You don't have to be like
your friends in order to be with your friends. Mmm.
I love that. Yes. And also like it sounds like
these friends might have babies at this moment, even though
she says kids, it sounds recent. They will get more interesting,
like what Chelsea is talking about, Like kids get funny,

(56:13):
you can laugh at them. Like when they start to
get like three, four or five, there'll be a lot
more entertaining to be and some acceptance that just all
relationships evolve. So right now it's because of these kids,
but it would have been something else, or it's going
to be something else, Like you have to like be
on that ride and just accept that things things change
and for the better often. Yeah. Absolutely, Well, Jenna, let

(56:37):
us know, Jenna Bush, I'm sorry you're going. Yeah, Jenna Bush,
stop comparing yourself to Barbara comparison. Yeah. Yeah, Jenna has babies.
She has I think three, and Barbara just had her
first one. So this is probably Barbara calling posing as Jenna,
which is also yeah. Yeah, I mean all right, well

(57:02):
we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back
with Monica and Chelsea. And we're back. We're back, and Monica, now,
is there any advice that you'd like to ask for
from Chelsea? So many things everything now I do I
do want to ask you about And I think I'm

(57:22):
sure you've covered this a ton on this show, but um, grief,
because you I feel like you've done such a beautiful
job of processing yours. And I just wonder, like when
you lose something somebody, a relationship, a person, does that
ever really heal? Does that ever really go? Away or

(57:46):
do you have to just feel that for the rest
of your life and accept it and like, no, that's
a piece of me forever. I think both things can
be true. Who did you lose? Does just been some
friendship dynamic changes? Okay? So people, you're not losing someone
to death? No, no, no, no, then that's why. And
I think grief can come in all these different forms

(58:07):
and due to all these different things. And it's like,
huh is this is this is something that I'm just
going to be like holding for a long time. I
have a lot of friendships that have ended, and it
is something that you hold. It depends on the friendship
obviously to to what degree. But healing does come into place,
you know what I mean. There is an amount of
time that makes everything less acute when your feelings are hurt,

(58:32):
especially and I think the thing that is the key
to healing is to give out love, you know what
I mean, to give out love and forgiveness, no matter
what the circumstances are, whether who is right or wrong,
just to send love to that person, whether you do
it through meditation or prayer or whatever the funk. You're
into positive vibes, like it's important to forgive people because

(58:54):
holding onto that is a crusty notion and that can
embed itself into yourself and become a very toxic quality
to be mad at people. So when things change, you
have to just accept that things are changing, and it
can be very painful. I've had some very painful friendship
endings that have taken me years to get past. But yes,

(59:16):
it all always be a part of you, but it
will run you, you know, the healing and like understanding
that people are there at certain parts of your life
in certain ways and it's not permanent, you know. That's
the heart For me. That's such because I I need
so much safety, Like I have grown up like that
with a lot of fears, So I'm just always searching

(59:37):
for safety. So when there's proof in the world that
it's not safe, I just like can't handle. I have
a hard time handle. Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.
I get that. And but that's also you're trying to
guarantee the unknown, right and that's a feudal exercise. What
is a sagacious way to be is to be okay

(59:57):
with the unknown, to have something that like a left
you know, a curveball come your way that you're not expecting.
That is gutting and be like, Okay, I don't want
to have to deal with this. I don't like this.
It doesn't make me feel good, but I can deal
with this and to work through it and to feel
the feelings, like not to ignore them or pretend they

(01:00:18):
don't exist, or posture or anything, but to be real
with yourself is a real gift. And you know, pain
does subside, you know, even like if somebody dies it
feels like it will never go away, and yeah, that
person is always always going to be gone, but it
really depends on how you reframe your thinking about that
and over time you get a healthier relationship with the loss.

(01:00:41):
That's that's that's good to hear. I feel like there's
so much control, you know, there's like such a need
for control in general for me anyway, and that's such
a huge piece of it, like all these things you
can't control, but you're trying to control and everyone it's
all it is all temporary, I guess. Yeah. I hope
that helps, Monica, it does, it does, think Chelsea. We
loved having you as part of the podcast today. Thank

(01:01:02):
you so much for coming to the Thank oh my God,
I love the valley. Yeah, there's a California Chicken cafe
right on around the corner, just in case you were wondering.
And I saw that, I was like, oh, I love
those pita chips. And then I thought about going inside
and standing in line. I was like, not that much.
I was like, white, who Casey, Carla someone California Chicken.

(01:01:24):
Thank you Monica, and it was really lovely. Thank you, Catherine.
And what's your new podcast called. It's called Race to
thirty five. Race to thirty five. This is where they
are going to fertilize their eggs and give us a
day by day play play by day by day play
by play, and then of course armchair expert. Right, I'm
sure expert. Yeah, Spotify on Spotify, And thank you Spotify

(01:01:48):
for giving us the gift of Monica Patment and christ Todas. Yes,
thank you. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just
send us an email at Dear Chelsea project at gmail
dot Come. Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio.
Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and
edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.