May 10, 2024 • 25 mins
Are you struggling with setting your boundaries?
Do you want to know how to respectfully tell others about your boundaries?
Today, Jay questions the traditional notion that a "good person" is one who never says no. This outdated definition leads to a lack of boundaries, which ultimately harms personal well-being. By redefining what it means to be a good person, one can recognize the importance of investing in themselves and navigating difficult conversations.
What does setting boundaries truly mean? They are defined not by what we want from others, but by what we need for ourselves. Jay explains that boundaries should not aim to control others but should protect the individual from their own triggers and provides practical advice on how to communicate boundaries effectively, suggesting the use of simple, clear statements without over-explanation.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to set boundaries without feeling guilty
How to NO effectively
How to communicate boundaries clearly
How to handle other people's reactions
How to build confidence in setting boundaries
Don't wait to reclaim your time, energy, and peace of mind—take control and become the assertive, self-respecting individual you deserve to be.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:31 Boundaries Are Often Tough to Set
03:45 #1: Redefine What Your Boundaries Are
09:05 #2: Clearly Communicate Your Boundaries
11:48 #3: Be Kind, Honest, and Empathetic to Other People’s Reaction
15:07 #4: You Subconsciously Sound Defensive When Setting Your Boundaries
17:53 #5: Plan a Buffer
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We live in a world where everyone has a different context,
has a different background, has a different walk of life,
and because of that, we have to be open to
the idea that people behave in ways that we will
never understand, never condone, and never choose to act ourselves.
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sety Jay
(00:23):
set Us Only Set. Hey. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose,
the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
Today's episode is all about how to set boundaries without
offending people? Is that even possible? I'm going to be
(00:44):
talking about it in this episode. And if you're someone
who feels taken advantage of, either personally or professionally, maybe
it's in your family and friends circle, or maybe it's
at work, this episode is for you. You feel you're
a people pleaser and you struggle with saying no. All
(01:05):
you're ever doing is saying yes, sure, I'll do it.
I'm in and in your heart and mind you're thinking
to yourself, how am I going to keep up with this?
This episode is for you if you're someone who over commits,
if you're someone who has no time left for yourself
because you're spending it all on everyone else. This episode
(01:27):
is for you. Now, Let's be honest. Boundaries are tough
to set, especially with people you love, especially with people
you close to. Right, We've been raised to want to
be good people, and in our head, the definition of
being a good person is someone who never says no,
(01:47):
someone who always says yes, someone who's always available, someone
who everyone goes thanks for always being around, Thanks for
being so consistent, thank you for all always being there.
So our definition of what it means to be a
good person is someone with no boundaries. I want you
(02:09):
to really let that settle. I'm starting straight in right like,
I want you to think about that. Our definition of
what a good human being is is someone who doesn't
have boundaries. Because you want someone to say to you,
thank you so much for always being around. You want
to be that person that everyone likes, that everyone says, oh,
(02:30):
you know so and so they're so helpful. We want
to be liked. We want to be considered significant, important, nice, kind.
But in order to get that validation, we often break
promises to ourselves. So our definition of what it means
(02:52):
to be a good, healthy human needs to change at
the core, because if it doesn't change, we end up
thinking that now we're a bad human Right, Maybe you've
even played around with boundaries. Maybe you've even tried to
set boundaries. Then when you did it, it didn't feel good, right,
It felt so uncomfortable, it felt so not like you.
(03:14):
And whenever it didn't feel like you, you then went
back on it. You let it go because it felt
so awkward, uncomfortable, difficult to maintain a boundary. Maybe when
you've tried to set a boundary in the past, someone
put pressure on you, someone tried to break your boundary.
So this episode's dedicated to us figuring out how we
(03:36):
can set better boundaries, how do we communicate those boundaries,
and how do we hopefully not offend people in the process. Now,
the first thing I'd like to do is, I'd like
to redefine boundaries, just as we talked about redefining what
it means to be a good human being, right, Like
we do believe that a good human being knows how
(03:58):
to invest in themselves, a healthy human being knows how
to have parameters, knows how to navigate awkward, uncomfortable conversations.
That's what we'd aspire to be like. But we also
have to redefine what boundaries are. Listen to this carefully.
Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what
(04:22):
we want or don't want from others. Let me say
that again. Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves,
not what we want or don't want from others. So
many times when people are speaking about boundaries, what they're
really doing is setting rules that they want others to
(04:45):
live by. They're setting a list of to dos for
others to follow. They're setting a list of don't for
others to stand by. This is a recipe for failure.
If your boundary is about controlling someone else's actions or hoping, wishing, wanting,
(05:08):
waiting for them to do something differently, that is pretty
near impossible. The reason I say that is so many
of us are setting boundaries that are like, next time
this happens, can you please not do this? Next time
this happens, can you not do this now? I'm not
saying that we shouldn't try that. I'm just saying that
(05:31):
that doesn't really set a boundary, because that's trying to
set a boundary to protect you from someone else, and
actually a true boundary is protecting you from yourself. Let
me say that again. We think boundaries are about protecting
us from other people, but boundaries are actually about protecting
(05:52):
ourselves from ourselves. We can't control anyone else's actions, can
control our own. Boundaries are to protect yourself from your
own triggers, not stop someone else from behaving a certain way,
because you can't guarantee that. So let me give you
(06:14):
an example of a boundary that may fail. I'm going
to tell my friends to not invite me out after
eight pm. Now I may say that, but here's what
will likely happen. Maybe they'll forget and they'll invite me anyway.
Maybe they'll go out one day at seven forty five,
(06:35):
not invite me, and then I'll fill some fomo and
feel well. I wish they invite me, I said eight not.
You know right. It gets messy. But a healthy boundary
is this. For example, if I get invited out on
a weekday after eight pm, I'll decline. You're protecting yourself.
You're setting yourself up for something you can control, something
(06:59):
you're in charge of. If my friends asked me to
drink on a night out, I'll choose something non alcoholic.
Now I've been in that place when I transitioned from
drinking alcohol to not drinking alcohol. I remember struggling to
tell my friends about my change. I did it fairly young,
and so I was scared about how I'd be perceived.
(07:20):
I thought I'd be seen as someone who didn't fit
in or someone who is different now, and so it
was really hard for me to tell them that. And
what I realized was if I set a boundary for them,
they may forget, or they may not forget. Maybe they're
drunk when they're asking me to have a drink, so
(07:41):
they're not in their right state of mind. Right, It's
not always going to be clear cut, but I need
to set boundaries for myself. I remember when I made
that transition. I started saying to a lot of my friends, Hey, like,
I'd love to go hang out in a restaurant, let's
avoid a club or a bar or whatever it may be.
That was a boundary I was setting that That's how
(08:02):
I spend my time. So these are all if this,
then that scenarios? What are your if scenarios? Right? If
I get invited out on a weekday, if my friends
ask me to drink, if this happens, then that, what
are your if scenarios that you find are leading to behaviors,
(08:23):
are leading to behaviors that break boundaries that you're trying
to set. Maybe you're trying to follow a certain diet,
Maybe you're trying to follow a certain workout. Maybe you're
in a state right now where you're trying to choose
going out instead of staying in, or staying in instead
of going out. What are your if scenarios and what
(08:45):
is your solution if this, then that this is a
great rule to make for your mind, so that your
mind doesn't have to look at every situation as unique
and different. So often, if we just play it case
by k and we don't set these rules for ourselves,
we end up falling at the first hurdle. Now, the
(09:08):
second thing I want to say is sorry, I can't
make it. Won't be possible for me this time. I
have another commitment. These three are perfect sentences. They're all
fully okay to communicate. What we often do when we're
trying to communicate our boundaries is we often over explain
(09:32):
and overcompensate, thinking it helps, but often it opens a
can of worms. Now, if you know someone really, really well,
and you have a priority in your life, you should
communicate that priority. I, Hey, you know what, from now on,
I'm not really trying to go out after eight pm
or weekdays, I'm trying to get in early night. I'm
trying to make sure that I get that sleep. I
(09:53):
just wanted you to know that because I didn't want
you to think I was a messaging you. Right, that's
a great, great thing to say, But often what we
do is we try and over explain and overcompensate for everything.
So when instead of saying sorry, I can't make it,
we do one or two things. We don't say anything
up until the last minute, where we then say sorry
(10:15):
I can't make it and we feel terrible, or we
send a long winded explanation trying to justify a choice. Now,
there's a difference between justifying your choice to yourself and
communicating outwardly to someone else. Most of us are still
(10:36):
trying to convince ourselves of our boundary, so we end
up sending a message that sounds like something you should
say to yourself and your head, that doesn't communicate effectively
to someone out there. Right, have you ever done that before?
Where Like, for example, I'm just keep taking the same
example because it's something I started with, but it's like
I start saying, you know, I've realized that when I
(10:59):
go out on a weekday, I feel like I don't
get good enough sleep, I feel like I don't work out.
The next day, I find like I end up eating
things that aren't healthy for me, and so I've realized
that I need to stay in. Now that's your own
thought process, and that may or may not be useful
to someone else. Them knowing that you can't make it
won't work out this time, it's probably enough. If they're
a close friend, you may tell them about your principle.
(11:22):
But sometimes what we end up saying sounds like we're preaching.
It sounds like we're saying an opinion of what we believe.
And now that person's thinking, yeah, I get that, but
I actually love going out or whatever. It may be right,
and it triggers a whole conversation, and it often triggers
something in them as well, where it sounds like you're
saying something and then you're like, oh, no, no, I
(11:43):
didn't mean it to you. I just want this for me,
and then it goes on and on and on. Hey everyone,
it's Jay here. My wife and I have had so
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You'll be adding adaptagens and new tropics into your life
(12:06):
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So head to our store locator at Drinkjuny dot com
and find Juny at a Target near you. Now, the
(12:32):
third point is really important here. How can you be honest? Kind?
And this is the most important part. Empathetic to their reaction.
I think a lot of the times we think that
we want others to fully understand our values, to fully
understand our approach, to almost celebrate it. We want someone
(12:55):
to say, Wow, that's amazing, good for you, And sometimes
they may say, oh, you're such a right now, I'm
not saying that that's a nice thing for someone to say.
I'm not saying that I agree with that I know
that you know it's not comfortable hearing that. And again,
I'm not telling you to tolerate someone's bad behavior. But
what I am saying is that it's okay to recognize
(13:18):
that someone else has their own values about a similar situation.
And often we can get so lost in like now,
being critical of someone's reaction, that we're stealing a great
time from ourselves. Right, So many of us spend more
time criticizing how someone behaves with us than creating opportunities
to have a great time. How many times have you
(13:40):
sat there, complained, criticized, and compared instead of focusing on
creating a great evening? And I would encourage you to
be empathetic and be open to the idea that people
may not agree with you. That's very likely someone may
debate you. That's very likely. Expectation of well, they should
(14:01):
just understand is actually going to cause us more stress.
So now I've started to realize I'm going to be honest, kind,
and empathetic with my response, but I don't have an
expectation of how I want that person to respond. I've
realized that humans are just so complex. We're so layered,
all of us, including me, and I have no idea
(14:24):
what the context of this conversation is for that individual
as they hear it. Even if I think I know them,
I don't know what they went through right now at
this millisecond. And therefore, because of I don't know what's
happening in this particular second of their life, I'm going
to be empathetic to how they process this, and I'm
(14:44):
not going to have an expectation on how they should
have processed this or how I would process this. We
often do this thing where we project how we process
things onto people, and when they don't act in that way,
I'm so surprised. We're thinking, well, why wouldn't you do that?
That's what I would have done. They're not you and
(15:05):
you're not them. If someone doesn't act in the way
you would or the way you think they should, remember this,
they're not you and you're not them. Most people are
not you. Most people don't think exactly the way you do.
(15:28):
We live in a world where everyone has a different context,
has a different background, has a different walk of life,
and because of that, we have to be open to
the idea that people behave in ways that we will
never understand, never condone and never choose to act ourselves. Now,
(15:50):
one of the reasons why we struggle with these conversations
is when you try to say these things, you subconsciously
sound defensive because you subconsciously feel defensive, and that's actually
what gets communicated in your tone. You're scared of it
being perceived negatively. Because you perceive it negatively. There's a
(16:13):
part of you that still believes they're not going out,
not drinking, not eating. Whatever it is that you're trying
to practice, there's a part of you that believes it's
not the right thing. There's a part of you that
believes it's uncool, it's untrendy, it's fatty, it's whatever it is.
There's a part of you that believes that. And that's
why you're scared to share it. And that's why when
(16:34):
someone actually says something about it, it triggers you because
you felt it already. No one can trigger you. If
you don't have the button to press already, right, If
that button doesn't exist on you, no one can press
that button. If someone can push that button, it means
that that button exists. Get that. So we're trying to
(16:56):
get like, if you don't have an on and off button.
You can't press it right, same with any trigger button.
So here's an exercise. Here are three questions that we
need to internalize when we're setting a boundary. We have
to become more certain about our boundaries. They can't just
be a rule that sounds good. They just can't be
(17:17):
a list of things that we're going to follow. We
have to actually think about them. The first question, what
is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why
is time important? Why is that so precious? Is it
a ideal that you're trying to practice. Is it a
(17:39):
mindset you're trying to build? Why is that important? So?
What is the boundary protecting for you? Not protecting from you,
but protecting for you? And why is that so important?
Why is that thing so important? Two more questions, What
happens when you don't follow that boundary? What happens if
(18:02):
you don't follow that boundary? Tomorrow? You're gonna wake up?
How are you going to feel? Fast forward future pace.
This is called fast forward a future pace when you
almost project yourself, beaming yourself into the future and said,
how will my future self feel about this? How do
I know I'm likely to feel about this if I
forego the boundary, and now let me do the opposite,
(18:24):
how do I feel when I do follow through on
the boundary. These three questions are a must for any
of the big boundaries you want to set in your life. Now,
the next step is planning a buffer. A lot of
the time, when we finally set these boundaries, maybe you
laminate your rules, right, you have them in your notes,
(18:45):
whatever you do for them. What ends up happening is
someone will catch you off guard, someone will surprise you.
Someone will ask for something at the time you don't expect,
and you'll be thinking, oh, oh, I'm not ready for this, right,
I wasn't prepared for this. It's okay to ask for
some time. It's okay to ask for some space. It's
(19:09):
okay to say, yeah, let me get back to you,
let me think about that. Oh, thanks so much, I
appreciate it. Yeah, let me get back to you in
a couple of days. It's so important to create that
space for yourself and not feel pressure. And the best
way to do it is, hey, I'll let you know
in a couple of days. Right, I'll actually try and
(19:30):
set a deadline for yourself. I think often when we
don't set the deadline. We never say anything, and then
that person does feel hurt and offended, and rightly so,
because they don't know what's going on inside your head.
So it's okay to ask for some time, to ask
for some space. Now, we haven't addressed how to have
that uncomfortable conversation. And the more and more I speak
(19:50):
to people personally or professionally, the more I hear how
much we struggle with actually having these uncomfortable conversations because
we've never been prepared for them. We've never been trained
for them. So here's a few tips that help. The
first one is observing others do uncomfortable things. Right, Observing
(20:11):
real people do uncomfortable things, uncomfortable things that we encourage.
That would be a good idea. Right, If you can
sit in or you can watch someone in the workplace
do something uncomfortable, it allows you to understand how it
was done well and how it was done badly. Now,
if it's done well, our reactions usually I have no
idea how you did that, And if you don't think
(20:35):
it went well, you'd be thinking I don't know why
you did that. Right, No, it's the difference your reaction
when someone does something, well is I have no idea
how you did that. And when someone didn't pull it off, well,
I don't know why you did that. So we've got
to look out for those moments in our life when
we're thinking, how did you do that? And often what
we do is we put people on a pedestal. We
(20:56):
just assume you're special, you're smart, you have some gear
if you learn something. The truth is, it's a muscle
that can be built. It's a skill that can be trained.
It's a skill. It's a skill. It's a skill. The
more and more I realized in life, everything you admire
in someone else is a skill. It's a skill that
can be trained. It's a muscle that can be built.
(21:19):
It's a life that you can live. We delude ourself
by making ourselves believe that it's only possible for that
person because of a certain set of circumstances, and we
accept less for ourself. It's a skill that can be trained.
(21:40):
So observing someone else do something uncomfortable, ask them questions.
Even if you know they do it, maybe you haven't
seen them do the interaction. Ask them. Maybe you know
someone who's had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations
in their career. Sit down and ask them what they've
learned through that process, why they've done that, how it's
(22:01):
helped them, watch them do it, if they let you
watch them, but be curious about them. And then at
one point, we have to get to exposure therapy. Right,
we have to start exposing ourselves to small, tiny, simple
actions of discomfort. Calling to cancel a dental appointment, calling
(22:23):
to cancel a reservation at a restaurant, right, declining an
invite to a friend's birthday, right, whatever it may be like.
We need to expose ourselves to the smallest version of
it and then allow it to scale. Here's the harsh
truth I have to share with you. People will be offended,
(22:45):
and that's okay. Use this as an opportunity to reset.
A lot of the times people will say things like, oh,
you used to always be around. What happened? Oh you
always used to be so much fun? What happened? Will
say things like that, And often we sit there and go,
why are they saying things like that? It's not bizarre.
(23:07):
That's how people are. They get used to a certain
pattern of you, and now they want that pattern to
be your reality. Forever. Use that as an opportunity to reset,
reset who you are and reset who you're around, reset
people's expectations of you. Right, we've all live in the
(23:27):
world of expectations. People have built up an expectation about you,
and maybe you've built up an expectation of someone else.
And this is a really important point too. Who in
your life has been trying to set a boundary with
you and you've been irked by it? Who's tried to
set a boundary with you and you've been irked by
It's so important to reflect on that because, by the way,
this is happening both ways. There are people trying to
(23:47):
set a boundary with me right now, and I may
be rejecting it. I'm not giving them the empathy that
I would want. And boundaries will adapt, and that's okay, right,
Boundaries will they'll change, they'll be flexible, and you will
have to update people and they'll say, whoa, it sounds
like you're changing every week right now? Right. They will
say that predicting what people will say will protect you
(24:12):
from having the false expectation that they won't say it,
expect it, predict it, project it, know that it's going
to happen and therefore be prepared for it. Thank you
so much for listening to on Purpose. I hope that
you'll pass this on to a friend who may be
struggling with setting boundaries, and I want you to remember this.
I am forever in your corner and I'm always rooting
(24:34):
for you. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode,
you will also love my interview with Charles Douhig on
how to hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and
the secret to making better decisions. Look, am I hesitating
on this because I'm scared of making the choice because
I'm scared of doing the work, Or am I sitting
with this because it just doesn't feel right yet? For
(24:58):
Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the National
Alliance of Mental Illness NAME. If you or someone you
know is struggling with mental health, there is help. Call
NAMI Helpline at eight hundred nine fifty NAMI, or go
to www Dot name dot org, forward slash help, or
text Helpline to six two six four zero for immediate
(25:21):
twenty four to seven crisis support. Call your text nine
eight eight or visit www dot nine eight eight lifeline
dot org.
We live in a world where everyone has a different context,
has a different background, has a different walk of life,
and because of that, we have to be open to
the idea that people behave in ways that we will
never understand, never condone, and never choose to act ourselves.
The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Sety Jay
(00:23):
set Us Only Set. Hey. Everyone, Welcome back to on Purpose,
the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
Today's episode is all about how to set boundaries without
offending people? Is that even possible? I'm going to be
(00:44):
talking about it in this episode. And if you're someone
who feels taken advantage of, either personally or professionally, maybe
it's in your family and friends circle, or maybe it's
at work, this episode is for you. You feel you're
a people pleaser and you struggle with saying no. All
(01:05):
you're ever doing is saying yes, sure, I'll do it.
I'm in and in your heart and mind you're thinking
to yourself, how am I going to keep up with this?
This episode is for you if you're someone who over commits,
if you're someone who has no time left for yourself
because you're spending it all on everyone else. This episode
(01:27):
is for you. Now, Let's be honest. Boundaries are tough
to set, especially with people you love, especially with people
you close to. Right, We've been raised to want to
be good people, and in our head, the definition of
being a good person is someone who never says no,
(01:47):
someone who always says yes, someone who's always available, someone
who everyone goes thanks for always being around, Thanks for
being so consistent, thank you for all always being there.
So our definition of what it means to be a
good person is someone with no boundaries. I want you
(02:09):
to really let that settle. I'm starting straight in right like,
I want you to think about that. Our definition of
what a good human being is is someone who doesn't
have boundaries. Because you want someone to say to you,
thank you so much for always being around. You want
to be that person that everyone likes, that everyone says, oh,
(02:30):
you know so and so they're so helpful. We want
to be liked. We want to be considered significant, important, nice, kind.
But in order to get that validation, we often break
promises to ourselves. So our definition of what it means
(02:52):
to be a good, healthy human needs to change at
the core, because if it doesn't change, we end up
thinking that now we're a bad human Right, Maybe you've
even played around with boundaries. Maybe you've even tried to
set boundaries. Then when you did it, it didn't feel good, right,
It felt so uncomfortable, it felt so not like you.
(03:14):
And whenever it didn't feel like you, you then went
back on it. You let it go because it felt
so awkward, uncomfortable, difficult to maintain a boundary. Maybe when
you've tried to set a boundary in the past, someone
put pressure on you, someone tried to break your boundary.
So this episode's dedicated to us figuring out how we
(03:36):
can set better boundaries, how do we communicate those boundaries,
and how do we hopefully not offend people in the process. Now,
the first thing I'd like to do is, I'd like
to redefine boundaries, just as we talked about redefining what
it means to be a good human being, right, Like
we do believe that a good human being knows how
(03:58):
to invest in themselves, a healthy human being knows how
to have parameters, knows how to navigate awkward, uncomfortable conversations.
That's what we'd aspire to be like. But we also
have to redefine what boundaries are. Listen to this carefully.
Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what
(04:22):
we want or don't want from others. Let me say
that again. Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves,
not what we want or don't want from others. So
many times when people are speaking about boundaries, what they're
really doing is setting rules that they want others to
(04:45):
live by. They're setting a list of to dos for
others to follow. They're setting a list of don't for
others to stand by. This is a recipe for failure.
If your boundary is about controlling someone else's actions or hoping, wishing, wanting,
(05:08):
waiting for them to do something differently, that is pretty
near impossible. The reason I say that is so many
of us are setting boundaries that are like, next time
this happens, can you please not do this? Next time
this happens, can you not do this now? I'm not
saying that we shouldn't try that. I'm just saying that
(05:31):
that doesn't really set a boundary, because that's trying to
set a boundary to protect you from someone else, and
actually a true boundary is protecting you from yourself. Let
me say that again. We think boundaries are about protecting
us from other people, but boundaries are actually about protecting
(05:52):
ourselves from ourselves. We can't control anyone else's actions, can
control our own. Boundaries are to protect yourself from your
own triggers, not stop someone else from behaving a certain way,
because you can't guarantee that. So let me give you
(06:14):
an example of a boundary that may fail. I'm going
to tell my friends to not invite me out after
eight pm. Now I may say that, but here's what
will likely happen. Maybe they'll forget and they'll invite me anyway.
Maybe they'll go out one day at seven forty five,
(06:35):
not invite me, and then I'll fill some fomo and
feel well. I wish they invite me, I said eight not.
You know right. It gets messy. But a healthy boundary
is this. For example, if I get invited out on
a weekday after eight pm, I'll decline. You're protecting yourself.
You're setting yourself up for something you can control, something
(06:59):
you're in charge of. If my friends asked me to
drink on a night out, I'll choose something non alcoholic.
Now I've been in that place when I transitioned from
drinking alcohol to not drinking alcohol. I remember struggling to
tell my friends about my change. I did it fairly young,
and so I was scared about how I'd be perceived.
(07:20):
I thought I'd be seen as someone who didn't fit
in or someone who is different now, and so it
was really hard for me to tell them that. And
what I realized was if I set a boundary for them,
they may forget, or they may not forget. Maybe they're
drunk when they're asking me to have a drink, so
(07:41):
they're not in their right state of mind. Right, It's
not always going to be clear cut, but I need
to set boundaries for myself. I remember when I made
that transition. I started saying to a lot of my friends, Hey, like,
I'd love to go hang out in a restaurant, let's
avoid a club or a bar or whatever it may be.
That was a boundary I was setting that That's how
(08:02):
I spend my time. So these are all if this,
then that scenarios? What are your if scenarios? Right? If
I get invited out on a weekday, if my friends
ask me to drink, if this happens, then that, what
are your if scenarios that you find are leading to behaviors,
(08:23):
are leading to behaviors that break boundaries that you're trying
to set. Maybe you're trying to follow a certain diet,
Maybe you're trying to follow a certain workout. Maybe you're
in a state right now where you're trying to choose
going out instead of staying in, or staying in instead
of going out. What are your if scenarios and what
(08:45):
is your solution if this, then that this is a
great rule to make for your mind, so that your
mind doesn't have to look at every situation as unique
and different. So often, if we just play it case
by k and we don't set these rules for ourselves,
we end up falling at the first hurdle. Now, the
(09:08):
second thing I want to say is sorry, I can't
make it. Won't be possible for me this time. I
have another commitment. These three are perfect sentences. They're all
fully okay to communicate. What we often do when we're
trying to communicate our boundaries is we often over explain
(09:32):
and overcompensate, thinking it helps, but often it opens a
can of worms. Now, if you know someone really, really well,
and you have a priority in your life, you should
communicate that priority. I, Hey, you know what, from now on,
I'm not really trying to go out after eight pm
or weekdays, I'm trying to get in early night. I'm
trying to make sure that I get that sleep. I
(09:53):
just wanted you to know that because I didn't want
you to think I was a messaging you. Right, that's
a great, great thing to say, But often what we
do is we try and over explain and overcompensate for everything.
So when instead of saying sorry, I can't make it,
we do one or two things. We don't say anything
up until the last minute, where we then say sorry
(10:15):
I can't make it and we feel terrible, or we
send a long winded explanation trying to justify a choice. Now,
there's a difference between justifying your choice to yourself and
communicating outwardly to someone else. Most of us are still
(10:36):
trying to convince ourselves of our boundary, so we end
up sending a message that sounds like something you should
say to yourself and your head, that doesn't communicate effectively
to someone out there. Right, have you ever done that before?
Where Like, for example, I'm just keep taking the same
example because it's something I started with, but it's like
I start saying, you know, I've realized that when I
(10:59):
go out on a weekday, I feel like I don't
get good enough sleep, I feel like I don't work out.
The next day, I find like I end up eating
things that aren't healthy for me, and so I've realized
that I need to stay in. Now that's your own
thought process, and that may or may not be useful
to someone else. Them knowing that you can't make it
won't work out this time, it's probably enough. If they're
a close friend, you may tell them about your principle.
(11:22):
But sometimes what we end up saying sounds like we're preaching.
It sounds like we're saying an opinion of what we believe.
And now that person's thinking, yeah, I get that, but
I actually love going out or whatever. It may be right,
and it triggers a whole conversation, and it often triggers
something in them as well, where it sounds like you're
saying something and then you're like, oh, no, no, I
(11:43):
didn't mean it to you. I just want this for me,
and then it goes on and on and on. Hey everyone,
it's Jay here. My wife and I have had so
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(12:06):
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(12:32):
third point is really important here. How can you be honest? Kind?
And this is the most important part. Empathetic to their reaction.
I think a lot of the times we think that
we want others to fully understand our values, to fully
understand our approach, to almost celebrate it. We want someone
(12:55):
to say, Wow, that's amazing, good for you, And sometimes
they may say, oh, you're such a right now, I'm
not saying that that's a nice thing for someone to say.
I'm not saying that I agree with that I know
that you know it's not comfortable hearing that. And again,
I'm not telling you to tolerate someone's bad behavior. But
what I am saying is that it's okay to recognize
(13:18):
that someone else has their own values about a similar situation.
And often we can get so lost in like now,
being critical of someone's reaction, that we're stealing a great
time from ourselves. Right, So many of us spend more
time criticizing how someone behaves with us than creating opportunities
to have a great time. How many times have you
(13:40):
sat there, complained, criticized, and compared instead of focusing on
creating a great evening? And I would encourage you to
be empathetic and be open to the idea that people
may not agree with you. That's very likely someone may
debate you. That's very likely. Expectation of well, they should
(14:01):
just understand is actually going to cause us more stress.
So now I've started to realize I'm going to be honest, kind,
and empathetic with my response, but I don't have an
expectation of how I want that person to respond. I've
realized that humans are just so complex. We're so layered,
all of us, including me, and I have no idea
(14:24):
what the context of this conversation is for that individual
as they hear it. Even if I think I know them,
I don't know what they went through right now at
this millisecond. And therefore, because of I don't know what's
happening in this particular second of their life, I'm going
to be empathetic to how they process this, and I'm
(14:44):
not going to have an expectation on how they should
have processed this or how I would process this. We
often do this thing where we project how we process
things onto people, and when they don't act in that way,
I'm so surprised. We're thinking, well, why wouldn't you do that?
That's what I would have done. They're not you and
(15:05):
you're not them. If someone doesn't act in the way
you would or the way you think they should, remember this,
they're not you and you're not them. Most people are
not you. Most people don't think exactly the way you do.
(15:28):
We live in a world where everyone has a different context,
has a different background, has a different walk of life,
and because of that, we have to be open to
the idea that people behave in ways that we will
never understand, never condone and never choose to act ourselves. Now,
(15:50):
one of the reasons why we struggle with these conversations
is when you try to say these things, you subconsciously
sound defensive because you subconsciously feel defensive, and that's actually
what gets communicated in your tone. You're scared of it
being perceived negatively. Because you perceive it negatively. There's a
(16:13):
part of you that still believes they're not going out,
not drinking, not eating. Whatever it is that you're trying
to practice, there's a part of you that believes it's
not the right thing. There's a part of you that
believes it's uncool, it's untrendy, it's fatty, it's whatever it is.
There's a part of you that believes that. And that's
why you're scared to share it. And that's why when
(16:34):
someone actually says something about it, it triggers you because
you felt it already. No one can trigger you. If
you don't have the button to press already, right, If
that button doesn't exist on you, no one can press
that button. If someone can push that button, it means
that that button exists. Get that. So we're trying to
(16:56):
get like, if you don't have an on and off button.
You can't press it right, same with any trigger button.
So here's an exercise. Here are three questions that we
need to internalize when we're setting a boundary. We have
to become more certain about our boundaries. They can't just
be a rule that sounds good. They just can't be
(17:17):
a list of things that we're going to follow. We
have to actually think about them. The first question, what
is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why
is time important? Why is that so precious? Is it
a ideal that you're trying to practice. Is it a
(17:39):
mindset you're trying to build? Why is that important? So?
What is the boundary protecting for you? Not protecting from you,
but protecting for you? And why is that so important?
Why is that thing so important? Two more questions, What
happens when you don't follow that boundary? What happens if
(18:02):
you don't follow that boundary? Tomorrow? You're gonna wake up?
How are you going to feel? Fast forward future pace.
This is called fast forward a future pace when you
almost project yourself, beaming yourself into the future and said,
how will my future self feel about this? How do
I know I'm likely to feel about this if I
forego the boundary, and now let me do the opposite,
(18:24):
how do I feel when I do follow through on
the boundary. These three questions are a must for any
of the big boundaries you want to set in your life. Now,
the next step is planning a buffer. A lot of
the time, when we finally set these boundaries, maybe you
laminate your rules, right, you have them in your notes,
(18:45):
whatever you do for them. What ends up happening is
someone will catch you off guard, someone will surprise you.
Someone will ask for something at the time you don't expect,
and you'll be thinking, oh, oh, I'm not ready for this, right,
I wasn't prepared for this. It's okay to ask for
some time. It's okay to ask for some space. It's
(19:09):
okay to say, yeah, let me get back to you,
let me think about that. Oh, thanks so much, I
appreciate it. Yeah, let me get back to you in
a couple of days. It's so important to create that
space for yourself and not feel pressure. And the best
way to do it is, hey, I'll let you know
in a couple of days. Right, I'll actually try and
(19:30):
set a deadline for yourself. I think often when we
don't set the deadline. We never say anything, and then
that person does feel hurt and offended, and rightly so,
because they don't know what's going on inside your head.
So it's okay to ask for some time, to ask
for some space. Now, we haven't addressed how to have
that uncomfortable conversation. And the more and more I speak
(19:50):
to people personally or professionally, the more I hear how
much we struggle with actually having these uncomfortable conversations because
we've never been prepared for them. We've never been trained
for them. So here's a few tips that help. The
first one is observing others do uncomfortable things. Right, Observing
(20:11):
real people do uncomfortable things, uncomfortable things that we encourage.
That would be a good idea. Right, If you can
sit in or you can watch someone in the workplace
do something uncomfortable, it allows you to understand how it
was done well and how it was done badly. Now,
if it's done well, our reactions usually I have no
idea how you did that, And if you don't think
(20:35):
it went well, you'd be thinking I don't know why
you did that. Right, No, it's the difference your reaction
when someone does something, well is I have no idea
how you did that. And when someone didn't pull it off, well,
I don't know why you did that. So we've got
to look out for those moments in our life when
we're thinking, how did you do that? And often what
we do is we put people on a pedestal. We
(20:56):
just assume you're special, you're smart, you have some gear
if you learn something. The truth is, it's a muscle
that can be built. It's a skill that can be trained.
It's a skill. It's a skill. It's a skill. The
more and more I realized in life, everything you admire
in someone else is a skill. It's a skill that
can be trained. It's a muscle that can be built.
(21:19):
It's a life that you can live. We delude ourself
by making ourselves believe that it's only possible for that
person because of a certain set of circumstances, and we
accept less for ourself. It's a skill that can be trained.
(21:40):
So observing someone else do something uncomfortable, ask them questions.
Even if you know they do it, maybe you haven't
seen them do the interaction. Ask them. Maybe you know
someone who's had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations
in their career. Sit down and ask them what they've
learned through that process, why they've done that, how it's
(22:01):
helped them, watch them do it, if they let you
watch them, but be curious about them. And then at
one point, we have to get to exposure therapy. Right,
we have to start exposing ourselves to small, tiny, simple
actions of discomfort. Calling to cancel a dental appointment, calling
(22:23):
to cancel a reservation at a restaurant, right, declining an
invite to a friend's birthday, right, whatever it may be like.
We need to expose ourselves to the smallest version of
it and then allow it to scale. Here's the harsh
truth I have to share with you. People will be offended,
(22:45):
and that's okay. Use this as an opportunity to reset.
A lot of the times people will say things like, oh,
you used to always be around. What happened? Oh you
always used to be so much fun? What happened? Will
say things like that, And often we sit there and go,
why are they saying things like that? It's not bizarre.
(23:07):
That's how people are. They get used to a certain
pattern of you, and now they want that pattern to
be your reality. Forever. Use that as an opportunity to reset,
reset who you are and reset who you're around, reset
people's expectations of you. Right, we've all live in the
(23:27):
world of expectations. People have built up an expectation about you,
and maybe you've built up an expectation of someone else.
And this is a really important point too. Who in
your life has been trying to set a boundary with
you and you've been irked by it? Who's tried to
set a boundary with you and you've been irked by
It's so important to reflect on that because, by the way,
this is happening both ways. There are people trying to
(23:47):
set a boundary with me right now, and I may
be rejecting it. I'm not giving them the empathy that
I would want. And boundaries will adapt, and that's okay, right,
Boundaries will they'll change, they'll be flexible, and you will
have to update people and they'll say, whoa, it sounds
like you're changing every week right now? Right. They will
say that predicting what people will say will protect you
(24:12):
from having the false expectation that they won't say it,
expect it, predict it, project it, know that it's going
to happen and therefore be prepared for it. Thank you
so much for listening to on Purpose. I hope that
you'll pass this on to a friend who may be
struggling with setting boundaries, and I want you to remember this.
I am forever in your corner and I'm always rooting
(24:34):
for you. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode,
you will also love my interview with Charles Douhig on
how to hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and
the secret to making better decisions. Look, am I hesitating
on this because I'm scared of making the choice because
I'm scared of doing the work, Or am I sitting
with this because it just doesn't feel right yet? For
(24:58):
Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the National
Alliance of Mental Illness NAME. If you or someone you
know is struggling with mental health, there is help. Call
NAMI Helpline at eight hundred nine fifty NAMI, or go
to www Dot name dot org, forward slash help, or
text Helpline to six two six four zero for immediate
(25:21):
twenty four to seven crisis support. Call your text nine
eight eight or visit www dot nine eight eight lifeline
dot org.
Host
Jay Shetty
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