December 2, 2022 • 29 mins
Today, I will be sharing a snippet from my book, 8 Rules of Love, that talks about the three dates that truly matter in any relationship including finding common interest and have fun together, learning what your partner values and respecting their choices, and being open about future plans.
If you want to pre-order the book, 8 Rules of Love, go to https://8rulesoflove.com/
Key Takeaways:
- 00:00 Intro
- 00:03:01 The 3-Date rule
- 00:04:19 Having healthy and unhealthy disagreements
- 00:08:18 Personality
- 00:13:14 First Date: Have fun together
- 00:18:31 Second Date: Respect their values
- 00:25:44 Third Date: Share some ideas of the future
Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty
https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Often what happens in relationships is we don't ask enough
interesting questions to our partners. And that's why our partners
can feel boring because we stopped asking interesting questions. And
I really feel there's always another, deeper, more intimate, more
powerful question that we can ask to our partners when
you're learning these new things about each other, right when
(00:21):
you're having those moments of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. Hey, everyone,
welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
(00:43):
I have loved seeing all your stats from Spotify wrapped
through to the Apple Listening, through to any platform, one, stitcho,
wherever you listen to on Purpose. I've loved seeing how
many hours, how many weeks, and many months and many
years you spend listening to the podcast here. I'm so
deeply grateful to you. I mean it. I bump into
(01:04):
so many of you on hikes and walks and shops
and whatever it may be throughout the week, and whenever
you come and say you listen it on Purpose and
you overheard my voice in story or something, it really
fills my heart up and I just want you to
know how much it matters to me and how much
it means to me. I don't take it for granted.
I don't see it as normal. I see it as beautiful.
(01:26):
And if you listen here, you know me, you understand me.
And I'm really excited right now because I'm sitting here
with the first copy of my new book that I've received,
Eight Rules of Love. And it's such a beautiful moment
when you've worked on something for two years to see
it come to life. And I can't wait for you
(01:48):
to read this book. This book has so many tools,
so many frameworks, meditations, reflections that are going to support
you in your journey towards loving yourself, loving others, and
then loving the world too. And I wanted to give
you a quick sneak peek. I know that so many
of already, tens of thousands of you have ordered it.
(02:10):
If you haven't already, please preorder it at eight Rules
of Love dot com. It really helps authors when you
pre order, because then the book stores realize that this
is exciting, people are excited, and they make sure that
we don't run out a week one. So I'm very
excited for the book to be in your hands as
it is in mind right now, hopefully you can hear it.
(02:33):
That's me flicked through the book. But I wanted to
share something that this book is not made up of
things I've said before or interconnected. It's it's a lot
of new content, new ideas, new thoughts, formulated through my
coaching work, formulated by working with clients, formulated by ancient
wisdom and modern science being paired up. And today I
(02:54):
wanted to share with you a concept, a sneak peak
from something in the book. And it's because I feel
like we always hear how the key to relationships, the
key to a healthy relationship is communication, but often we're thinking, well,
what do we talk about? Right? What is it that
we should be talking about? And in the book, I
(03:16):
create something called the three date rule, and I believe
that these are three dates that every couple has to
go on. They're not three dates that have to happen
as your first three dates. They're not three dates that
have to follow each other. They're just three really important
conversations that need to happen in a relationship in order
(03:38):
to protect, create and build love. I think a lot
of us feel that avoiding discomfort, avoiding conflict, avoiding uncomfortable
situations is the root to a healthy relationship. I think
it's what we've learned from the media, it's what we've
probably been told by errands, it's probably what we've seen also,
(04:01):
because if you grew up in an environment where there
was always conflict, where there was always fighting and arguing,
we become so averse to that, not realizing that maybe
we were exposed to an unhealthy version of it as
opposed to a healthy version of it. Right, So so
often we don't realize that there can be healthy debate
(04:25):
and disagreement, and there can be unhealthy debate and disagreement.
I remember I was Okay, now you get to realize
what a dog I am. I used to be on
my high schools debate team. Yes, that's right, I said it.
I was on my high school's debate team. You can
think whatever you want to think. I learned some really
good skills. So I was on my high schools debate team.
(04:48):
And at the time, you know, when I was a teenager,
I was one of those people that just love to
win for winning's sake, and often when I would debate,
I would find the key argument of my side, or
I'd find the key floor in the other side, and
I would go for it, and and I would often win
my debating coach at school. I had a debate in coach. Yes,
(05:09):
that's right, and I know you're laughing. It's fine. He
said something to me that really is stuck with me.
He said to me that, Jay, I know that you win,
but he said that do you want to win the
debate with the other person or do you want to
learn how to have a healthy debate in your mind?
(05:32):
And That's been some of the most profound statement that
I've ever heard. He was like, do you want to
know how to make sense of internal debates, an internal
conflict that you have, or do you just want to
beat the other person? He said to me that if
you truly truly want to learn how to debate, you
(05:54):
should know the opposing side stance as well as you
know your own. Most people who know how to debate,
they deeply understand their approach and then they understand the
flaws of the opposite side. But he was giving me
this fresh perspective that if you really wanted to learn
(06:14):
how to win inner battles, inner conflict, in a debate,
then actually knowing both sides deeply, Understanding both sides more
deeply made you far better at debating, and now, no
matter the outcome, you'd actually won internally. So the reason
I'm sharing this is I learned that there was a
healthier form of debate. I learned that there was a
(06:37):
healthier form of managing conflict, and all of a sudden,
I was really excited and inspired to learn. Now I'm
taking that from debate at school into our relationships. If
we've only ever seen bad arguments, if we've only seen abusive,
toxic language, it's very hard for us to want to
walk in to a debate or a disagree and figure
(07:00):
out how to do it healthily. So I want to
encourage you world to have uncomfortable conversations. I want to
encourage you all to have challenging conversations in a safe space,
setting the environment first of learning and growing. These conversations
that I'm encouraging you to have are not fights, they're
(07:23):
not disagreements, they're not debates. They're actually encouraging you to
learn and grow. When we get into a relationship, we
often see it as a space for enjoyment and pleasure.
We want to enjoy the other person. We want to
please the other person. That's what a relationship can be like.
And often as time goes on, we realize that the
(07:43):
enjoyment can drop and we can stop having the desire
to please them. But that's where the learning and growing
needs to start. And learning and growing has something more
beautiful to share than just enjoying and pleasing and learning
is the missing link between like and love. If we
(08:03):
want to move from like to love, there's learning right
in between. So these three dates, these three sets of questions,
the sneak peak I'm giving you from eight Rules of
Love is a technique I set up to help you understand.
So the first thing that we want to learn in
the first date is their personality, because it's the easiest
(08:26):
thing to spot, understand and connect with. Do we like
their personality? Do we enjoy their company? Do we like
being around them? Notice how these are all different questions.
Often the questions we're asking is do they like me?
Do they think I'm interesting? Do they think I'm hot, cool? Whatever?
(08:49):
It may be? Right, we're not sitting there going Do
I enjoy their company? Is this bringing out the best
in me? Do I believe that their personality allows me
to share my personality. Now I read an incredible study
that I have to share with you because I really
wanted to inform how you do this stage. As you
know in my book in my podcast, I get very specific,
(09:11):
I get scientific, I share studies, I share practical tactical tools,
which is the difference here. We're not just talking about ideas.
We're talking about insights that can transform your life. And
this study showed that for someone to be seen as
a casual connection, we have to spend forty hours with them.
Forty hours makes someone a casual connection in our lives.
(09:34):
Mind blowing. The study goes on to say a hundred
hours makes someone a good friend, not a best friend,
or a great friend, a good friend, and the study
concludes that two hundred hours of time spent with someone
makes them a great friend, a deep friend, an intimate friend.
(09:55):
The question you have to ask yourself when you're dating
or when you're with someone, is am I curious to
spend two hundred hours with this person? Am I intrigued?
Do I like who I'm becoming? I think one of
the biggest questions, and this is one of the biggest
myths out there that I want to bust. And I
want you to share this with all your friends because
(10:15):
I know they're hearing this. So many people are hearing
the advice. Make a list of what you want in someone.
That's when you'll know you found the one. Make a list.
When you make a list of exactly what you want
and manifest it. Make a list you want them to
be tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart, pretty, beautiful, whatever it
may be. Make a list. That's what people say. I'm
(10:38):
here to tell you that that list can often limit
you away from love. The list I want you to
make is how will you be the best version of
you in love? How will you know you're in love
because the best of you will come out? What does
it look like when you're at your best? How do
you feel when you're at your best? Is that how
(10:59):
you want to feel in love? That's what you're looking for.
You're looking to feel those things because guess what, Otherwise
someone might be kind, they might be funny, they might
check everything off that list, and you still won't feel
how you want to feel. So start with what is
it that you will feel, not what they'll make you feel.
(11:19):
How do you think you will behave How do you
think you will act in a healthy relationship? What do
you think will be brought out of you when you're
in a healthy relationship. That is a much better metric.
That is a much better measure for how you'll know
you'll be with the right person, because often we're able
(11:42):
to be a different person for forty hours. Maybe we
might even be good enough to be someone else for
a hundred hours, But you can't pretend to be someone
for over two hundred hours, or if you've tried to
be really tough, be really challenging. And so I don't
want you to pretend to be someone you don't want
(12:04):
to be for two hundred hours, because you have something
more to offer than that. So I don't want you
to make the list of what you want in a partner.
And I also don't want you to make the list
of like who you're going to be in a relationship. It, Oh,
I'm going to be loving, I'm gonna be this, I'm
going to become everything that's good too. But I want
you to go to step further and go, how do
I know I'm behaving at my best? How will I
(12:27):
act when I'm at my best? If I feel like
someone's bringing the best out of me, what does that
look like? What will that feel like like? I know
that I would be driven towards my purpose. I would
feel energized daily. I would feel happy in the morning
(12:47):
and evening to be with them. I would be excited
to see them. I would feel comfortable opening my heart
and talking about what I'm really going through. I would
be patient if they're really important to me. That list
is going to transform how you view the potential partner
(13:10):
you're or the partner you're dating right now. So the
first date is do you have fun together? Do you
enjoy each other's company? Remember this isn't your first date chronologically.
It's a date that needs to happen in your mind.
Does conversation flow? What makes you comfortable and what makes
you uncomfortable? That is an important question. What about your
(13:30):
partner makes you feel uncomfortable? And asking yourself before you
challenge them on it, before you poke it out and
put it out in front of them, asking yourself, why
does it make you feel uncomfortable? Does it make you
feel uncomfortable because of trigger you have from your parents?
Does it make you feel uncomfortable because of something you've
adopted or is it important to you. Often our rage
(13:51):
or anger or frustration with our partner is adopted from
our parents. If our parents found something annoying about their partner,
we can often find the same thing annoying about our partners.
I know someone whose mum was always upset that their
dad came home late from work. Now the person I
(14:12):
know really loves their partner and loves how hard they work.
But in the beginning they used to get triggered and
they'd be like, why do you always come home late?
And the partner would say, well, you know what I've
been working on. We talked about it, like I thought,
I thought we were really aware that we're committed that
this year we're really working hardest so we can save
up so that we can move into a bigger place.
(14:32):
And they'd be fine with that answer. That would connect
with them. That's how they felt too, But there was
still this internal trigger that was pushing them there. So
when we find or discover our uncomfortability, we first want
to ask where is that coming for us? Is it
really true to us? If the answer is yes, like
this is actually an issue for me personally, this is
something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Let me raise that
(14:54):
the first day is to find out if you really
enjoy each other's personalities. And I'm going to give you
some questions that I think are beautiful to ask in
a first day. What's something you love to do? Most
people have never asked this question. Do you have a
favorite place? And why? Why? Is as important as what
(15:14):
is there a book or a movie you've read or
seen more than once? I loved this question. It says
so much about them, You learn so much about them.
And that's the key here, right Like love is learning,
learning is love. If you love someone, you want to
learn about them. I remember that I was traveling recently
(15:38):
and different groups of people came up to me and
we were taking pictures and talking. They listened to the
podcast and they've read Thinks like a Monk, and they
were saying how excited they are for the next book,
and all that kind of stuff was going on, and
there are a few people who had no clue who
I was, right, like, no idea, no idea. And then
they came up to me and then they were like,
(15:59):
what do you do? Like you know? And then they
asked for a pick to two bucks, like you don't
know who I ad like, you don't know what I do?
This is really weird. But they were like, what do
you do? And it was really interesting that because they
saw people show me love, they wanted to learn about me.
And that's what I think is really interesting. I'm just
taking that as an idea that if you love someone,
(16:22):
or if you want to love someone, learning about them
and continuing to learn about them is so key to
a relationship. And often what happens in relationships is relationship
has become old old, which means you've had an old
relationship and you only know the things you knew about
them ten twenty years ago. If you got that friend
(16:42):
where they thank you for the same thing over and
over and over again from like twenty years ago, or
your only memory that you ever talk about is from school,
you haven't made any new memories. That's an old old relationship.
I want you to have new old relationships, which is
you're learning new things about someone who's been in your
life for a long time. When you're learning those new
things about each other, right when you're having those moments
(17:06):
of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. This is a
great question. What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment.
What's something you wish you knew more about. I love
this question because no matter how long you've been with
someone I did. This was rather the other day we
were both trying to pick books we want to read.
Actually we weren't. We're actually having this conversation, and I
(17:28):
was like, what is it that we want to know
more about? And she asked me, Actually, she was like,
do you know any books in this area? And I
started amazoning books for her and sending her stuff and
got it all wrong, and she knew what you wanted
to read. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute,
what do I want to read about this holiday season?
Like I'm gonna, you know, be traveling, you have some downtime,
Like I want to read something, I want to learn something.
What's the best meal you've ever had? I loved that conversation,
(17:50):
especially if you're with a foodie, as my wife is.
So these are not interview questions, right. This isn't a
conversation where you're interviewing and interrogating. You're also sharing, You're
also revealing, So make sure you have your answers ready
as well, and use it as a point of starting
healthier conversations. I think we don't ask enough interesting questions
(18:14):
to our partners, and that's why our partners can feel
boring sometimes because we stopped asking interesting questions. And I
really feel there's always another deeper, more intimate, more powerful
question that we can ask to our partners. Okay, Date
two again, This could happen at any point, and this
(18:35):
one is all about whether you respect their values. I
am a huge, huge proponent of values. Everyone has values,
whether they know it or not. And our genuine, realist
values are where we spend our time, where we spend
our money, and where we spend our energy. We may
(18:57):
think we have different values. That is our value of
where we spend that. Now, you may have a reason
why you spend your time there, way why you spend
your money there, That underpins that as your deeper value.
But we have to be really honest about It's not
just about intention, it's about where our actions are with
our values as well. When I talk about respecting your
(19:17):
partner's values, there's something really interesting here because a lot
of the times we like their personality, but we don't
respect their values. We would like their values to change.
Sometimes we would like them to value what we value.
If you want your partner to value what you value,
(19:37):
you are devaluing them. If you want your partner to
love what you love as much as you love it,
they're going to feel that they don't have time to
love what they want to love. Your partner doesn't have
to love what you love. They have to love the
way you love it. That's the key, right. Your partner
(20:00):
doesn't have to love what you love, they have to
love the way you love it. So, when I think
about RADI loves food, I like food. I enjoy it.
I can't love food the way RADI does, but I
can love the way she loves it. I love the
way she gets excited about sharing any recipe with me.
I love the way she makes videos and talks about food.
(20:21):
I love the way so I love what she does
with it. Similarly, Radi doesn't love what I do as
much as I do. She can't, it's not her value system.
But she loves me for loving it. She loves how
I feel when I'm teaching and guiding and coaching and
all the work that I do. And so I really
want to help you understand that respecting someone's values is
asking yourself do I like how this person operates in
(20:44):
the world. Can I appreciate why they operate that way?
And that's often the question of like, you may not
be able to respect someone's value before you understand why
they value it, right, Like, that's the key, Like, you
can't just respect someone's value because you're respect person. You
respect someone's value because you understand deeply why they're so
committed to it. And often in our partnerships, we don't
(21:08):
understand why deeply, because our partners may not understand why
they deeply are connected to it. So you can gently
encourage your partners share meaningful stories and details about their life.
Take turns with these questions and make sure again that
it's not an interview in fact, that they hesitate over
a question. You might say, I know it's a hard question,
I'll go first, right, Like, I think that's the part.
(21:30):
Often our partners have an answer and we say, oh, well,
that's the end of the conversation. It has to be
self disclosure as well, right Escalating self disclosure is a
really important trul and it's a slow build. Sometimes when
we're ready to share, we think it's the right time
for them to open up as well. But people do
(21:51):
this at their own pace, in their own time. Ask
questions and listen carefully to the response to gauge. If
the person is hesitant, give them openings to change the subject,
asking is this too heavier topic or would you rather
not go there right now? I think I think that's
the caveats that are needed, right, like, if you're forcing
your partner in a direction versus encouraging them. And by
(22:14):
the way, I literally would have this with rather all
the time. I'll say, hey, that was a good time
to talk about you know, your goals for twenty twenty three?
Do you want to talk about And you're like, no, no, no, Jay, Like,
I don't want to talk about right now, right and
and that's beautiful. I can't force it. And I may say, well,
I'm ready to talk about mine. Let me know when
you're ready to listen. Right, So, here are some questions
for date number two to respect their values. Who's the
(22:35):
most fascinating person you've ever met? Right, shows you what
their value without even asking them their values. What's the
most out of character thing you've ever done or would
like to do? Great question, because it makes you go,
oh if that's out of character that's not their character.
Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life?
(22:55):
How did you deal with it? If you won the lottery,
what would you spend the money on? I think that's
a real value driver. Notice I'm giving you questions where
you're not just sitting down and going what are your value?
What are your values? Right? Because that can be uncomfortable.
What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What is
a tough thing you dealt with in your past? What
(23:15):
makes you proud? The big one? What makes you proud
is usually what you value and what would you do
if you had enough money to not need a job?
Shows you what they value, and these values are things
you respect, things you remind them of. They're things that
you can continue to use to grow that relationship. It's
information and insight that you can remind that person of
(23:38):
when they're losing passion, when your partner's losing interest, when
they've lost a bit of steam. These are the things
that you remind them of. You're not just giving them
random advice or maybe you should do this, or maybe
you should do this. My friend did this and it
helped them know what were their values that they've lost?
Connection to it helps you become a better partner, and
it helps you know whether they're the right partner for you.
(24:00):
You're never going to have the same values as someone exactly.
You're never going to want to spend your time in
exactly the same ways or do exactly the same things.
Can you respect why your partner wants to do what
they want to do? Can you find the middle ground
being flexible with each other, flexible and adaptability towards why.
(24:21):
Like Radley and I love spending time relaxing sometimes on
a beach, and I also like doing activities rather likes
doing activities sometimes and she can be pretty happy doing
almost anything. And we realize that when we go on vacation,
we do one day activity, one day rest of the hotel,
one day activity, one day rest of the hotel, and
that became a system and a rhythm that we use
(24:43):
in order to respect her values. She knows I need
to sleep and relax sometimes. I know that she will
go with the flow and she's open to new ideas,
but she also wants to have a good time and
be active. Right. I know that Raley will never trade
on a workout every day. It's a big part of
her mental health routine, so I know she's not going
to do that, So I will never plan a meeting
(25:04):
around Joyo. Oh, by the way, thank you for all
the love for Joyo. Anyone who's in LA who's supporting
Joyo Air one, I'm so grateful, and we are trying
to get it across the country. So we're working on
that everyone else. But I would never plan a Joyo
meeting during rad They's workout because I know how much
that's a non negotiable for her. And I may change
(25:25):
my workout to go to a work thing because I
value my purpose as well deeply, But that doesn't mean
I'm expecting that off my partner. I'm not saying, Wow,
you don't value it enough. Right, You're finding the right
time to do things around both of your values, and
often we just want people to change their values and
value what we value. Okay, Date number three. Date three
(25:47):
should occur when it feels natural to share some of
your ideas for the future. Just as you don't need
to share the same values, you don't need to have
the same goals. One of you might have your whole
life mapped out me and the other might still be
exploring rather gives their life meaning. On date three, you
can try out some deeper questions, such as the ones
listed below, and I'm going to share them with you now.
(26:07):
But before I do that, this is all about am
I committed to helping you achieve your goals? That's the question.
That's the difference between love and friendship. In friendship, you
support your friends goals, But in a relationship, you're committed
to helping your partner achieve their goals. You want to
see them get there all the way. You're going to
be there helping them get there all the way, and
so you have to know what their goals are. I
(26:28):
think this also applies to things like kids. I know
so many couples who've been together for like three to
five years before they talk about kids, only to realize
their partner doesn't want kids at all, and they really
want kids. That conversation could have been had a long
time before. And I'm not saying you would have not
been with that person. It's just having an uncomfortable conversation
(26:49):
without the emotions of five years. It's a lot easier
in the first five months. Even if it feels awkward
in five months, I promise you it's more awkward in
five years when you realize your partner doesn't want a child,
and now you're thinking, wow, if I waste the time?
Do I need to change? What do I do right?
And so conversations like do you have a dream you'd
(27:10):
like to fulfill one day, a job, a trip, an accomplishment?
What would you like to change about your life if
you could meet anyone? Who would it be? Is there
a single moment or experience that change your life? And
looking towards the future, is there something that you think
I don't know that you might want to do in
like ten years time that is really important to you.
(27:31):
I think that we often think about questions like what's
your plan for the future, right, And it's like, it's
not a plan, it's learning about someone's goals where they
see themselves, what they want to do. That will very
well give you so much more insight in a relationship.
And the question we're asking is not do I like
their goals or do I want to change their goals?
Is do I want to help them get there? Do
(27:51):
I think that that's beautiful? Do I think this is
a beautiful person who has beautiful goals? And do I
want to help them get there, and their goals don't
have to be big. Their goals don't have to be
to a billion dollar company, their goals don't have to
be to save a city or a country like their
goal doesn't have to be that right. I think we
think about goals and achievements as these big, overarching things.
Their goal could be simpler. And it's not about the
(28:15):
complexity of the simplicity. It's about whether you want to
help them get there. So those are three dates, three
conversations that I deeply, deeply, deeply want you to have
in your relationship. And don't avoid these even if they're uncomfortable,
even if they feel awkward, find a healthy way. And
that's the key thing here. Don't raise them as interrogations,
(28:36):
don't raise them as interventions, don't raise them as accusations.
Raise them with affection, raise them with intimacy, raise them
with connection. Thank you so much for being here, Thank
you for being here for twenty twenty two. I promise
you twenty twenty three is going to be an even
better year for on Purpose. This year was unbelievable, the
(28:59):
gross with incredible, Your support's been phenomenal. But next year
we'll be going to another level, and I hope you're
going to join me. I hope you're gonna be with me.
I want you to have an amazing holiday season. And
we're not stopping. You know, On Purpose is on twice
a week, every week all year around. You get one
hundred and four episodes a year in fifty two week year.
(29:19):
We don't stop. And we've got a whole catalog now
of three and a half years of contents. You've got
over three hundred episodes to listen to to catch up
if you haven't already. Thank you for being here. I
appreciate you. I'll see you soon.
Often what happens in relationships is we don't ask enough
interesting questions to our partners. And that's why our partners
can feel boring because we stopped asking interesting questions. And
I really feel there's always another, deeper, more intimate, more
powerful question that we can ask to our partners when
you're learning these new things about each other, right when
(00:21):
you're having those moments of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. Hey, everyone,
welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.
(00:43):
I have loved seeing all your stats from Spotify wrapped
through to the Apple Listening, through to any platform, one, stitcho,
wherever you listen to on Purpose. I've loved seeing how
many hours, how many weeks, and many months and many
years you spend listening to the podcast here. I'm so
deeply grateful to you. I mean it. I bump into
(01:04):
so many of you on hikes and walks and shops
and whatever it may be throughout the week, and whenever
you come and say you listen it on Purpose and
you overheard my voice in story or something, it really
fills my heart up and I just want you to
know how much it matters to me and how much
it means to me. I don't take it for granted.
I don't see it as normal. I see it as beautiful.
(01:26):
And if you listen here, you know me, you understand me.
And I'm really excited right now because I'm sitting here
with the first copy of my new book that I've received,
Eight Rules of Love. And it's such a beautiful moment
when you've worked on something for two years to see
it come to life. And I can't wait for you
(01:48):
to read this book. This book has so many tools,
so many frameworks, meditations, reflections that are going to support
you in your journey towards loving yourself, loving others, and
then loving the world too. And I wanted to give
you a quick sneak peek. I know that so many
of already, tens of thousands of you have ordered it.
(02:10):
If you haven't already, please preorder it at eight Rules
of Love dot com. It really helps authors when you
pre order, because then the book stores realize that this
is exciting, people are excited, and they make sure that
we don't run out a week one. So I'm very
excited for the book to be in your hands as
it is in mind right now, hopefully you can hear it.
(02:33):
That's me flicked through the book. But I wanted to
share something that this book is not made up of
things I've said before or interconnected. It's it's a lot
of new content, new ideas, new thoughts, formulated through my
coaching work, formulated by working with clients, formulated by ancient
wisdom and modern science being paired up. And today I
(02:54):
wanted to share with you a concept, a sneak peak
from something in the book. And it's because I feel
like we always hear how the key to relationships, the
key to a healthy relationship is communication, but often we're thinking, well,
what do we talk about? Right? What is it that
we should be talking about? And in the book, I
(03:16):
create something called the three date rule, and I believe
that these are three dates that every couple has to
go on. They're not three dates that have to happen
as your first three dates. They're not three dates that
have to follow each other. They're just three really important
conversations that need to happen in a relationship in order
(03:38):
to protect, create and build love. I think a lot
of us feel that avoiding discomfort, avoiding conflict, avoiding uncomfortable
situations is the root to a healthy relationship. I think
it's what we've learned from the media, it's what we've
probably been told by errands, it's probably what we've seen also,
(04:01):
because if you grew up in an environment where there
was always conflict, where there was always fighting and arguing,
we become so averse to that, not realizing that maybe
we were exposed to an unhealthy version of it as
opposed to a healthy version of it. Right, So so
often we don't realize that there can be healthy debate
(04:25):
and disagreement, and there can be unhealthy debate and disagreement.
I remember I was Okay, now you get to realize
what a dog I am. I used to be on
my high schools debate team. Yes, that's right, I said it.
I was on my high school's debate team. You can
think whatever you want to think. I learned some really
good skills. So I was on my high schools debate team.
(04:48):
And at the time, you know, when I was a teenager,
I was one of those people that just love to
win for winning's sake, and often when I would debate,
I would find the key argument of my side, or
I'd find the key floor in the other side, and
I would go for it, and and I would often win
my debating coach at school. I had a debate in coach. Yes,
(05:09):
that's right, and I know you're laughing. It's fine. He
said something to me that really is stuck with me.
He said to me that, Jay, I know that you win,
but he said that do you want to win the
debate with the other person or do you want to
learn how to have a healthy debate in your mind?
(05:32):
And That's been some of the most profound statement that
I've ever heard. He was like, do you want to
know how to make sense of internal debates, an internal
conflict that you have, or do you just want to
beat the other person? He said to me that if
you truly truly want to learn how to debate, you
(05:54):
should know the opposing side stance as well as you
know your own. Most people who know how to debate,
they deeply understand their approach and then they understand the
flaws of the opposite side. But he was giving me
this fresh perspective that if you really wanted to learn
(06:14):
how to win inner battles, inner conflict, in a debate,
then actually knowing both sides deeply, Understanding both sides more
deeply made you far better at debating, and now, no
matter the outcome, you'd actually won internally. So the reason
I'm sharing this is I learned that there was a
healthier form of debate. I learned that there was a
(06:37):
healthier form of managing conflict, and all of a sudden,
I was really excited and inspired to learn. Now I'm
taking that from debate at school into our relationships. If
we've only ever seen bad arguments, if we've only seen abusive,
toxic language, it's very hard for us to want to
walk in to a debate or a disagree and figure
(07:00):
out how to do it healthily. So I want to
encourage you world to have uncomfortable conversations. I want to
encourage you all to have challenging conversations in a safe space,
setting the environment first of learning and growing. These conversations
that I'm encouraging you to have are not fights, they're
(07:23):
not disagreements, they're not debates. They're actually encouraging you to
learn and grow. When we get into a relationship, we
often see it as a space for enjoyment and pleasure.
We want to enjoy the other person. We want to
please the other person. That's what a relationship can be like.
And often as time goes on, we realize that the
(07:43):
enjoyment can drop and we can stop having the desire
to please them. But that's where the learning and growing
needs to start. And learning and growing has something more
beautiful to share than just enjoying and pleasing and learning
is the missing link between like and love. If we
(08:03):
want to move from like to love, there's learning right
in between. So these three dates, these three sets of questions,
the sneak peak I'm giving you from eight Rules of
Love is a technique I set up to help you understand.
So the first thing that we want to learn in
the first date is their personality, because it's the easiest
(08:26):
thing to spot, understand and connect with. Do we like
their personality? Do we enjoy their company? Do we like
being around them? Notice how these are all different questions.
Often the questions we're asking is do they like me?
Do they think I'm interesting? Do they think I'm hot, cool? Whatever?
(08:49):
It may be? Right, we're not sitting there going Do
I enjoy their company? Is this bringing out the best
in me? Do I believe that their personality allows me
to share my personality. Now I read an incredible study
that I have to share with you because I really
wanted to inform how you do this stage. As you
know in my book in my podcast, I get very specific,
(09:11):
I get scientific, I share studies, I share practical tactical tools,
which is the difference here. We're not just talking about ideas.
We're talking about insights that can transform your life. And
this study showed that for someone to be seen as
a casual connection, we have to spend forty hours with them.
Forty hours makes someone a casual connection in our lives.
(09:34):
Mind blowing. The study goes on to say a hundred
hours makes someone a good friend, not a best friend,
or a great friend, a good friend, and the study
concludes that two hundred hours of time spent with someone
makes them a great friend, a deep friend, an intimate friend.
(09:55):
The question you have to ask yourself when you're dating
or when you're with someone, is am I curious to
spend two hundred hours with this person? Am I intrigued?
Do I like who I'm becoming? I think one of
the biggest questions, and this is one of the biggest
myths out there that I want to bust. And I
want you to share this with all your friends because
(10:15):
I know they're hearing this. So many people are hearing
the advice. Make a list of what you want in someone.
That's when you'll know you found the one. Make a list.
When you make a list of exactly what you want
and manifest it. Make a list you want them to
be tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart, pretty, beautiful, whatever it
may be. Make a list. That's what people say. I'm
(10:38):
here to tell you that that list can often limit
you away from love. The list I want you to
make is how will you be the best version of
you in love? How will you know you're in love
because the best of you will come out? What does
it look like when you're at your best? How do
you feel when you're at your best? Is that how
(10:59):
you want to feel in love? That's what you're looking for.
You're looking to feel those things because guess what, Otherwise
someone might be kind, they might be funny, they might
check everything off that list, and you still won't feel
how you want to feel. So start with what is
it that you will feel, not what they'll make you feel.
(11:19):
How do you think you will behave How do you
think you will act in a healthy relationship? What do
you think will be brought out of you when you're
in a healthy relationship. That is a much better metric.
That is a much better measure for how you'll know
you'll be with the right person, because often we're able
(11:42):
to be a different person for forty hours. Maybe we
might even be good enough to be someone else for
a hundred hours, But you can't pretend to be someone
for over two hundred hours, or if you've tried to
be really tough, be really challenging. And so I don't
want you to pretend to be someone you don't want
(12:04):
to be for two hundred hours, because you have something
more to offer than that. So I don't want you
to make the list of what you want in a partner.
And I also don't want you to make the list
of like who you're going to be in a relationship. It, Oh,
I'm going to be loving, I'm gonna be this, I'm
going to become everything that's good too. But I want
you to go to step further and go, how do
I know I'm behaving at my best? How will I
(12:27):
act when I'm at my best? If I feel like
someone's bringing the best out of me, what does that
look like? What will that feel like like? I know
that I would be driven towards my purpose. I would
feel energized daily. I would feel happy in the morning
(12:47):
and evening to be with them. I would be excited
to see them. I would feel comfortable opening my heart
and talking about what I'm really going through. I would
be patient if they're really important to me. That list
is going to transform how you view the potential partner
(13:10):
you're or the partner you're dating right now. So the
first date is do you have fun together? Do you
enjoy each other's company? Remember this isn't your first date chronologically.
It's a date that needs to happen in your mind.
Does conversation flow? What makes you comfortable and what makes
you uncomfortable? That is an important question. What about your
(13:30):
partner makes you feel uncomfortable? And asking yourself before you
challenge them on it, before you poke it out and
put it out in front of them, asking yourself, why
does it make you feel uncomfortable? Does it make you
feel uncomfortable because of trigger you have from your parents?
Does it make you feel uncomfortable because of something you've
adopted or is it important to you. Often our rage
(13:51):
or anger or frustration with our partner is adopted from
our parents. If our parents found something annoying about their partner,
we can often find the same thing annoying about our partners.
I know someone whose mum was always upset that their
dad came home late from work. Now the person I
(14:12):
know really loves their partner and loves how hard they work.
But in the beginning they used to get triggered and
they'd be like, why do you always come home late?
And the partner would say, well, you know what I've
been working on. We talked about it, like I thought,
I thought we were really aware that we're committed that
this year we're really working hardest so we can save
up so that we can move into a bigger place.
(14:32):
And they'd be fine with that answer. That would connect
with them. That's how they felt too, But there was
still this internal trigger that was pushing them there. So
when we find or discover our uncomfortability, we first want
to ask where is that coming for us? Is it
really true to us? If the answer is yes, like
this is actually an issue for me personally, this is
something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Let me raise that
(14:54):
the first day is to find out if you really
enjoy each other's personalities. And I'm going to give you
some questions that I think are beautiful to ask in
a first day. What's something you love to do? Most
people have never asked this question. Do you have a
favorite place? And why? Why? Is as important as what
(15:14):
is there a book or a movie you've read or
seen more than once? I loved this question. It says
so much about them, You learn so much about them.
And that's the key here, right Like love is learning,
learning is love. If you love someone, you want to
learn about them. I remember that I was traveling recently
(15:38):
and different groups of people came up to me and
we were taking pictures and talking. They listened to the
podcast and they've read Thinks like a Monk, and they
were saying how excited they are for the next book,
and all that kind of stuff was going on, and
there are a few people who had no clue who
I was, right, like, no idea, no idea. And then
they came up to me and then they were like,
(15:59):
what do you do? Like you know? And then they
asked for a pick to two bucks, like you don't
know who I ad like, you don't know what I do?
This is really weird. But they were like, what do
you do? And it was really interesting that because they
saw people show me love, they wanted to learn about me.
And that's what I think is really interesting. I'm just
taking that as an idea that if you love someone,
(16:22):
or if you want to love someone, learning about them
and continuing to learn about them is so key to
a relationship. And often what happens in relationships is relationship
has become old old, which means you've had an old
relationship and you only know the things you knew about
them ten twenty years ago. If you got that friend
(16:42):
where they thank you for the same thing over and
over and over again from like twenty years ago, or
your only memory that you ever talk about is from school,
you haven't made any new memories. That's an old old relationship.
I want you to have new old relationships, which is
you're learning new things about someone who's been in your
life for a long time. When you're learning those new
things about each other, right when you're having those moments
(17:06):
of newness, that's what keeps things fresh. This is a
great question. What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment.
What's something you wish you knew more about. I love
this question because no matter how long you've been with
someone I did. This was rather the other day we
were both trying to pick books we want to read.
Actually we weren't. We're actually having this conversation, and I
(17:28):
was like, what is it that we want to know
more about? And she asked me, Actually, she was like,
do you know any books in this area? And I
started amazoning books for her and sending her stuff and
got it all wrong, and she knew what you wanted
to read. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute,
what do I want to read about this holiday season?
Like I'm gonna, you know, be traveling, you have some downtime,
Like I want to read something, I want to learn something.
What's the best meal you've ever had? I loved that conversation,
(17:50):
especially if you're with a foodie, as my wife is.
So these are not interview questions, right. This isn't a
conversation where you're interviewing and interrogating. You're also sharing, You're
also revealing, So make sure you have your answers ready
as well, and use it as a point of starting
healthier conversations. I think we don't ask enough interesting questions
(18:14):
to our partners, and that's why our partners can feel
boring sometimes because we stopped asking interesting questions. And I
really feel there's always another deeper, more intimate, more powerful
question that we can ask to our partners. Okay, Date
two again, This could happen at any point, and this
(18:35):
one is all about whether you respect their values. I
am a huge, huge proponent of values. Everyone has values,
whether they know it or not. And our genuine, realist
values are where we spend our time, where we spend
our money, and where we spend our energy. We may
(18:57):
think we have different values. That is our value of
where we spend that. Now, you may have a reason
why you spend your time there, way why you spend
your money there, That underpins that as your deeper value.
But we have to be really honest about It's not
just about intention, it's about where our actions are with
our values as well. When I talk about respecting your
(19:17):
partner's values, there's something really interesting here because a lot
of the times we like their personality, but we don't
respect their values. We would like their values to change.
Sometimes we would like them to value what we value.
If you want your partner to value what you value,
(19:37):
you are devaluing them. If you want your partner to
love what you love as much as you love it,
they're going to feel that they don't have time to
love what they want to love. Your partner doesn't have
to love what you love. They have to love the
way you love it. That's the key, right. Your partner
(20:00):
doesn't have to love what you love, they have to
love the way you love it. So, when I think
about RADI loves food, I like food. I enjoy it.
I can't love food the way RADI does, but I
can love the way she loves it. I love the
way she gets excited about sharing any recipe with me.
I love the way she makes videos and talks about food.
(20:21):
I love the way so I love what she does
with it. Similarly, Radi doesn't love what I do as
much as I do. She can't, it's not her value system.
But she loves me for loving it. She loves how
I feel when I'm teaching and guiding and coaching and
all the work that I do. And so I really
want to help you understand that respecting someone's values is
asking yourself do I like how this person operates in
(20:44):
the world. Can I appreciate why they operate that way?
And that's often the question of like, you may not
be able to respect someone's value before you understand why
they value it, right, Like, that's the key, Like, you
can't just respect someone's value because you're respect person. You
respect someone's value because you understand deeply why they're so
committed to it. And often in our partnerships, we don't
(21:08):
understand why deeply, because our partners may not understand why
they deeply are connected to it. So you can gently
encourage your partners share meaningful stories and details about their life.
Take turns with these questions and make sure again that
it's not an interview in fact, that they hesitate over
a question. You might say, I know it's a hard question,
I'll go first, right, Like, I think that's the part.
(21:30):
Often our partners have an answer and we say, oh, well,
that's the end of the conversation. It has to be
self disclosure as well, right Escalating self disclosure is a
really important trul and it's a slow build. Sometimes when
we're ready to share, we think it's the right time
for them to open up as well. But people do
(21:51):
this at their own pace, in their own time. Ask
questions and listen carefully to the response to gauge. If
the person is hesitant, give them openings to change the subject,
asking is this too heavier topic or would you rather
not go there right now? I think I think that's
the caveats that are needed, right, like, if you're forcing
your partner in a direction versus encouraging them. And by
(22:14):
the way, I literally would have this with rather all
the time. I'll say, hey, that was a good time
to talk about you know, your goals for twenty twenty three?
Do you want to talk about And you're like, no, no, no, Jay, Like,
I don't want to talk about right now, right and
and that's beautiful. I can't force it. And I may say, well,
I'm ready to talk about mine. Let me know when
you're ready to listen. Right, So, here are some questions
for date number two to respect their values. Who's the
(22:35):
most fascinating person you've ever met? Right, shows you what
their value without even asking them their values. What's the
most out of character thing you've ever done or would
like to do? Great question, because it makes you go,
oh if that's out of character that's not their character.
Have you ever had a big plot twist in your life?
(22:55):
How did you deal with it? If you won the lottery,
what would you spend the money on? I think that's
a real value driver. Notice I'm giving you questions where
you're not just sitting down and going what are your value?
What are your values? Right? Because that can be uncomfortable.
What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What is
a tough thing you dealt with in your past? What
(23:15):
makes you proud? The big one? What makes you proud
is usually what you value and what would you do
if you had enough money to not need a job?
Shows you what they value, and these values are things
you respect, things you remind them of. They're things that
you can continue to use to grow that relationship. It's
information and insight that you can remind that person of
(23:38):
when they're losing passion, when your partner's losing interest, when
they've lost a bit of steam. These are the things
that you remind them of. You're not just giving them
random advice or maybe you should do this, or maybe
you should do this. My friend did this and it
helped them know what were their values that they've lost?
Connection to it helps you become a better partner, and
it helps you know whether they're the right partner for you.
(24:00):
You're never going to have the same values as someone exactly.
You're never going to want to spend your time in
exactly the same ways or do exactly the same things.
Can you respect why your partner wants to do what
they want to do? Can you find the middle ground
being flexible with each other, flexible and adaptability towards why.
(24:21):
Like Radley and I love spending time relaxing sometimes on
a beach, and I also like doing activities rather likes
doing activities sometimes and she can be pretty happy doing
almost anything. And we realize that when we go on vacation,
we do one day activity, one day rest of the hotel,
one day activity, one day rest of the hotel, and
that became a system and a rhythm that we use
(24:43):
in order to respect her values. She knows I need
to sleep and relax sometimes. I know that she will
go with the flow and she's open to new ideas,
but she also wants to have a good time and
be active. Right. I know that Raley will never trade
on a workout every day. It's a big part of
her mental health routine, so I know she's not going
to do that, So I will never plan a meeting
(25:04):
around Joyo. Oh, by the way, thank you for all
the love for Joyo. Anyone who's in LA who's supporting
Joyo Air one, I'm so grateful, and we are trying
to get it across the country. So we're working on
that everyone else. But I would never plan a Joyo
meeting during rad They's workout because I know how much
that's a non negotiable for her. And I may change
(25:25):
my workout to go to a work thing because I
value my purpose as well deeply, But that doesn't mean
I'm expecting that off my partner. I'm not saying, Wow,
you don't value it enough. Right, You're finding the right
time to do things around both of your values, and
often we just want people to change their values and
value what we value. Okay, Date number three. Date three
(25:47):
should occur when it feels natural to share some of
your ideas for the future. Just as you don't need
to share the same values, you don't need to have
the same goals. One of you might have your whole
life mapped out me and the other might still be
exploring rather gives their life meaning. On date three, you
can try out some deeper questions, such as the ones
listed below, and I'm going to share them with you now.
(26:07):
But before I do that, this is all about am
I committed to helping you achieve your goals? That's the question.
That's the difference between love and friendship. In friendship, you
support your friends goals, But in a relationship, you're committed
to helping your partner achieve their goals. You want to
see them get there all the way. You're going to
be there helping them get there all the way, and
so you have to know what their goals are. I
(26:28):
think this also applies to things like kids. I know
so many couples who've been together for like three to
five years before they talk about kids, only to realize
their partner doesn't want kids at all, and they really
want kids. That conversation could have been had a long
time before. And I'm not saying you would have not
been with that person. It's just having an uncomfortable conversation
(26:49):
without the emotions of five years. It's a lot easier
in the first five months. Even if it feels awkward
in five months, I promise you it's more awkward in
five years when you realize your partner doesn't want a child,
and now you're thinking, wow, if I waste the time?
Do I need to change? What do I do right?
And so conversations like do you have a dream you'd
(27:10):
like to fulfill one day, a job, a trip, an accomplishment?
What would you like to change about your life if
you could meet anyone? Who would it be? Is there
a single moment or experience that change your life? And
looking towards the future, is there something that you think
I don't know that you might want to do in
like ten years time that is really important to you.
(27:31):
I think that we often think about questions like what's
your plan for the future, right, And it's like, it's
not a plan, it's learning about someone's goals where they
see themselves, what they want to do. That will very
well give you so much more insight in a relationship.
And the question we're asking is not do I like
their goals or do I want to change their goals?
Is do I want to help them get there? Do
(27:51):
I think that that's beautiful? Do I think this is
a beautiful person who has beautiful goals? And do I
want to help them get there, and their goals don't
have to be big. Their goals don't have to be
to a billion dollar company, their goals don't have to
be to save a city or a country like their
goal doesn't have to be that right. I think we
think about goals and achievements as these big, overarching things.
Their goal could be simpler. And it's not about the
(28:15):
complexity of the simplicity. It's about whether you want to
help them get there. So those are three dates, three
conversations that I deeply, deeply, deeply want you to have
in your relationship. And don't avoid these even if they're uncomfortable,
even if they feel awkward, find a healthy way. And
that's the key thing here. Don't raise them as interrogations,
(28:36):
don't raise them as interventions, don't raise them as accusations.
Raise them with affection, raise them with intimacy, raise them
with connection. Thank you so much for being here, Thank
you for being here for twenty twenty two. I promise
you twenty twenty three is going to be an even
better year for on Purpose. This year was unbelievable, the
(28:59):
gross with incredible, Your support's been phenomenal. But next year
we'll be going to another level, and I hope you're
going to join me. I hope you're gonna be with me.
I want you to have an amazing holiday season. And
we're not stopping. You know, On Purpose is on twice
a week, every week all year around. You get one
hundred and four episodes a year in fifty two week year.
(29:19):
We don't stop. And we've got a whole catalog now
of three and a half years of contents. You've got
over three hundred episodes to listen to to catch up
if you haven't already. Thank you for being here. I
appreciate you. I'll see you soon.
Host
Jay Shetty
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.