February 21, 2025 • 28 mins
Are you holding onto a breakup that’s draining your energy?
Do you ever catch yourself replaying old memories or struggling to move on after a breakup?
Today, Jay will break down a powerful 30-day No Contact Reinvention Challenge designed to help you heal, grow, and rebuild your confidence. If you’ve ever felt lost, stuck, or unsure how to move forward, this episode is your guide to turning heartbreak into transformation.
Jay reveals practical steps to help you shift your focus, break emotional patterns, and create a new version of yourself—one that is stronger, wiser, and more fulfilled. From cutting out breakup songs and sad movies to replacing old habits with new adventures, this challenge is all about reclaiming your life.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
How to Let Go of the Past and Reinvent Yourself.
The Five-Text Rule to Overcome the Urge to Reach Out.
Why Changing Your Routine Helps You Heal Faster.
How to Stop Overthinking and Find Closure Within Yourself.
A Simple 90-Day Reflection Strategy to See How Far You’ve Come.
Heartbreak is painful, but it doesn’t have to define you. It’s time to take control of your healing journey and create the life you truly deserve.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What we discuss:
00:00 Intro
03:18 30-Day No Contact Re-Invention Challenge
04:34 Day 1-5: Break Patterns From the Relationship
07:32 Day 6-1: Body Reset, Break Your Own Patterns
09:07 Day 11-15: Social Reset, The 5 Text Rule
17:03 Day 16-20: Change Your Mind, The Reverse Bucket List
23:31 Day 21-25: Do Something You’ve Never Done Before
23:59 Day 26-30: Reflection Phase, Set a 90-Day Reminder
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jasheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
yours today. Break the patterns your brain links routines to them.
(00:50):
If you change your routine, you will change the attachment too.
Many of us don't change our pattern, don't change our
routine and expect to change the attachment. The number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Shetty, Hey everyone,
(01:10):
welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty,
and I am so happy, so grateful that you've joined
me today. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's struggling
with a breakup. If you or your friend has gone
through a recent breakup, and even though you're putting on
(01:30):
a brave face or they're putting on a brave face,
you know this has affected you, it's affected them. This
episode is for you and them. If you're someone who
is scared of breaking up because of what might come,
this episode is for you. And if you're someone who
(01:51):
just got broken up with and you're trying to figure
out what healing looks like, whether it's possible, what are
the things that are about to come your way, this
episode is for you. I really want you to use
this episode as a map, as a guideline to create
your own reinvention, to create your own rejuvenation, and to
(02:16):
create your own comeback. I really believe that this episode
will give you ideas, insights, ways in which you can
apply to see how to use this as a transformative experience.
These moments in our lives come at us hard and fast.
(02:38):
They hit us really hard, and they affect all areas
of our life. And often when we're going through a breakup,
we really feel like there will be no better day.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
We can often experience this, but this episode is here
to remind you not only will you write, but you
(03:01):
all rise stronger, better, and more resilient. I also want
to make this episode extremely practical and tactical for you,
So write down notes, whether you're using your phone or
whether you're writing down in your journal, and make sure
you come back to this one as well. So the
first thing I want to set you is this idea
(03:21):
called a thirty day no contact reinvention Challenge. Instead of
just avoiding contact, I want you to actively reinvent yourself
each day. The reason why breakups hurt so much is
because we feel parts of ourself are lost, broken, or
(03:44):
gone forever. And when we've realized that, actually we're not
trying to hold on to what was there. We're trying
to rebuild from what's left. We're looking at what has
been left behind and what we can do with that
at not what we once had. So I'm gonna break
this down into five day experiences because often what we
(04:09):
think about is we hear things like time will heal
all wounds. That's not untrue. I actually think that is true.
But here's the thing. We need to make it smaller.
We need to make it more measurable. We need to
make it more actionable. Does time mean six months, twelve months,
three months? So I'm gonna give you a thirty day
(04:31):
no contact reinvention challenge. Day one to five potentially the
most difficult, hardest, painful days. You just broke up with them,
They just broke up with you. This is the time
that you're most likely to run back to them, or
they're most likely to try and get you back, or
(04:53):
they're most likely to ignore you and you really want
them back. Day one to five will be the hardest
days you experience. Here's what you do. Delete messages, remove reminders,
block social media, create a breakup free digital space. It's
(05:18):
so needed, it's so so needed, And a big part
of this is something I call the anti ritual disruption.
You had a ritual with this person that started to
feel like your life. You always texted them good night,
you always got a good morning message from them, You
(05:41):
always went out to coffee together on Saturday Sundays for brunch.
Break those patterns, purge, delete the messages, remove the reminders,
block mute, break up free digital space, and break the
patterns of those rituals. If you always texted them goodnight.
(06:04):
Text someone else good night. A friend, a family member,
someone who's always been there for you, someone who's always around,
someone that you may not even remember that often send
them a good night message. Used to go with them
every Saturday to get a coffee, every Sunday to get brunch.
Change your coffee shop, change your brunt spot. I don't really,
(06:28):
it doesn't matter how much you love that place or
how amazing it was, change the memory, break the pattern,
take yourself out for coffee, go out with someone else
for brunch, switch the pattern up. One of the biggest
mistakes we make is we stay in the same pattern
wanting to get rid of something. It is pretty impossible
(06:51):
to remove an emotional feeling from a physical place. If
that physical place mattered to you. Both break the patterns
your brain links routines to them. If you change your routine,
you will change the attachment. Too. Many of us don't
change our pattern, don't change our routine, and expect to
(07:13):
change the attachment. Now. It is true, we kind of
want to feel close to it. There's a part of
us that secretly even enjoys the fact that that place
mattered to us. We still go there. We have some feelings.
I get it, but we have to purge. Day one
to five, Day six to ten body reset. Change something physical.
(07:38):
Maybe you're going to change a new hairstyle, a fitness routine,
a sleep schedule. We're going back to breaking patterns, but
we're breaking patterns of our own. So the first half
was breaking patterns from the relationships. Day one to five
used to message them you mess with someone else. Day
six to ten, you're breaking your own patterns. A new
fitness routine, a new sleep schedule, a new hairstyle, whatever
(08:01):
it may be that works for you. The reason why
we want to break things so quickly and organically as well,
of course there has to be things you want to
do is because you're shifting and moving. We're not used
to change, especially when you're in relationships. When you get
into a long term relationship or an invested relationship, routines
(08:25):
are at the heart of that rich relationship. Rituals are
at the heart of that relationship. The quicker you shift
your rituals and routines, the quicker you change your memories
of that relationship. Too many of us stay in the
same physical state. We don't do a body reset. We
(08:45):
stay in the same place for a long long time.
It's one of the reasons why revenge body, which I'm
not encouraging. I encourage you to work out for yourself
and your own health. But a reason why that idea
makes sense because you're getting active, you're shifting something about yourself,
but ideally do it for yourself. Day eleven to fifteen
(09:09):
is a social reset. Reach out to three old friends
or make a new connection. By day eleven to fifteen,
you're going to want to text that X. You might
even have been strong up until now, and now you
can't bear it. It's not harder than the first five days.
(09:31):
It's harder than it felt in those first five days
to not message them. You get pulled back into that
old habit. So I'm going to give you what I
call the five text rule for breaking the urge to
reach out. This is called the five text rule. Before
(09:54):
you text your X, send five texts, one to a friend,
one to someone you admire, one to a family member,
one to yourself. Yep, literally text yourself and five one
to a new connection. By the end of that the
(10:14):
urge usually passes because you've created five conversations. Now you
may message your friend and your friend's not available. So
usually you'd message your friend and then you'd go message
your ex, especially if you ask your friend, hey, should
I message my ex? Don't make the conversation about your ex.
Make it about something else. Message your friend and ask
them what they're doing later. What are they doing this weekend?
(10:35):
How's their day going? Ask them questions about them. Shift
the energy from your problems to helping them. Too many
of us will reach out to everyone in our life
and only talk about our problems. Hey, I really need
to talk to you. I'm really struggling with this. Hey
I just need to talk about my ex. Hey I
think I should take them back? Hey, I really want
to message them? What should I do? You use the
(10:58):
people that are trying to help you to solve the
situation about the person who hurt you. Make it about
that person, help them, support them, be there for them,
ask them how their day is going. You will get
out of your own head. So send a message to
a friend and don't make it, hey should I text
(11:19):
my ex? Second, someone you admire, maybe a professor, or
it may be a DM to someone online. Whatever it
may be, just someone you look up to, and again,
make it separate from the conversation one to a family member.
I promise you there's a family member in your life
who loves you, who supports you, who's there for you,
(11:40):
and you forgot about them during that relationship. You ignored them,
you disconnected for them, and you don't need to do that.
Send a message to that person. Number four, Send a
message to yourself. It's a great place to store your thoughts.
Often we try and solve our thoughts in our head.
(12:01):
Pretty difficult to do that. It's almost like, when you
think about it, there's a courtroom and then there's a
jewelry room right in the courtroom. The jewelry room listens,
but they go to the jewey room to make a decision.
You need to have a conversation with yourself in text
form in the jury room. Your mind's like the courtroom
(12:22):
where you think you have to make the big decisions,
where you think you have to solve everything. But that's
not true. You need to be able to go to
a jewelry room to discuss it, to think about it,
to reflect, and the courtroom is just the place you
announce the decision. Notice that distinction is huge, right, Often
we're just having conversations in our head. Should I stay
(12:43):
with them, should I text them? Should I take them back?
What should I do? And you're almost trying to make
this big decision in the courtroom. Text yourself, build a
log of how you feel different at different times, how
do you really feel about that person? And I'll come
back to that point, But what do you really think?
(13:04):
What do you really believe? The courtroom? Your mind is
a place to listen, is a place to absorb. It's there,
But the decision is made in the jewelry room and
announced in the courtroom. When you've taken out that personal
time to reflect, to introspect, to think, you can come
back to your mind, and whenever your mind says let's
(13:24):
text them, you go, no, we thought about this. I'm
going to text five people first. The five text rule
for breaking the urge to reach out is a game changer.
One to a friend, one to someone you admire, one
to a family friend, one to yourself, and fifth to
(13:44):
a new connection. Could be someone you're networking with, a
community member, obviously if it's brand new, ideally not someone
you're dating, But if you're further down the line, it
could be that and all of a sudden, you've started
five conversations, and here's what you learn through this. You
start to learn that there is more connection out there
than you actually believe. There is more love out there
(14:08):
than you actually believe. There is more support out there
than you actually believe. Let me say that again. You
have to remember that there is more love in your
life than you believe. You have more support in your
life than you believe, and you have more people rooting
for you than you believe. The problem is, you've learned
(14:31):
to believe that there's only one person who can love
you perfectly. You've learned to believe that there's only one
person who knows what you need. You have trained yourself
to believe that there's only one person who can satisfy you.
And when you text five people, you start recognizing that's
(14:53):
just not true. There are so many people who understand you,
there are so many people who care about you, there
are so many people who value you, and you have
to experience it. You can't just remind yourself, you can't
just talk yourself through it. You actually have to practice it.
And when you get messages back from your friend, someone
(15:13):
you admire, a family member, yourself, you're not going to
get a text back from but you now have that
jewelry room courtroom breakdown, and finally a person, maybe that
you're networking with, a community member, someone you're dating, all
of a sudden, you realize you always had that value.
We have to unlearn this idea that there's only one
(15:34):
person who knows how to love you, that there's only
one person who knows how to help you. I couldn't
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(16:39):
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(17:00):
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sure you use the code on Purpose. Day sixteen to
twenty is called the mind Shift. Notice how we went
body people mind, right, So we started with the purge,
so we kind of blocked out everything we didn't want in.
(17:22):
But then we started with the body because it's great
to feel shift in the body. Then we went the
people around us, and now we do the mind. So
what we often do with the mind is we just
listen to love songs, we watch our favorite romantic movies
and guess what, You sit there and you cry and
you e ice screaming, by the way, and there's nothing
wrong with any of that. That's okay if you want
(17:42):
to do that. But when you're ready, this is the
thirty days that's going to change it for you. The
no love songs, no sad movies, detox, cut out all
breakup music and movies for thirty days when you're ready
to really get over this breakup. Right. This thirty days
may come three months after you break up for some
of you, who may come immediately after your breakup. For
(18:03):
some people, it may come six years after you break up.
But these thirty days have to happen at some point.
Replace them with uplifting, neutral, or empowering content. Start a
new book, Listen to a new podcast. Maybe you're listening
to this one right now for that reason. Start a
new course, a masterclass. Flood your brain with new ideas.
(18:26):
It's time to change your mind. Now. Why did we
go body people mind? Because if you try and do
this one first, it's really hard. When you've already shifted
your body, you're feeling a new state. Right. We all
know the feeling when we change something physical because we
live in our physical selves. It changes everything for us.
Right when you change your hairstyle, you almost are surprised
(18:47):
every time you look in the mirror. When you change
your workout routine, you're more surprised about the energy you feel.
When you change your environment, like the color of a room,
you feel different. So we want to change physical states first,
then the people around us, then our mind. A lot
of us try and do the mind shift first and
(19:09):
it doesn't work right, It doesn't work, And this works wonders.
This mind shift fuels you with so many different ideas
and a good thing you can add to this is
something I call the reverse bucket list. Instead of listing
things you want to do, list things you never want
(19:31):
to do or repeat in a relationship. Right we're used
to writing down all the things we want to do
before we die. List all the things you never want
to do again in a relationship, and use this as
a guide when you start dating again, so you don't
just heal, but you upgrade. I think this is one
of the biggest mistakes we make. People are just trying
(19:52):
to get over their X. We're just trying to move on,
but we're not upgrading. And I think when you choose
to say, hey, this is what I'm I'm never gonna
do again. I'm never gonna fall fast. I'm never just
gonna give up my trust. I'm never just gonna hand them.
You know, whatever it is that you made mistakes on
and again, you don't want these things to be extreme.
(20:13):
You want them to be real, and you may edit them,
you may review them, and you may change them over time.
But it's great to start with a reverse bucket list.
I want to go back to that idea about a
new identity for a second. It's so important that if
your Sunday routine used to involve snuggling up to a movie,
(20:35):
make Sundays your workout and meal prep day. The goal
is all about erasing patterns and building new ones. That
doesn't mean you'll never go back to that park. It
doesn't mean you'll never go back to that restaurant that
you loved. Right, that's not the point I'm making. The
point I'm making is that we need to shift pattern.
We need to edit pattern as quickly as possible. Right,
(20:56):
we have to do that. Another thing that usually happens
by this day is there are things you want to
say to that person. Right by this point, you've reflected,
you've thought about it, and now you're like, wait a minute,
there's stuff I want to say to that person that
I never got to say. And sometimes it's an excuse
to just get back in touch, feel a bit of
(21:17):
you know, interest again. A lot of the time, it's
just a painful point that you never got closure from them.
So what you want to do in this regard is
create a private note or text thread where you vent
instead of texting them, So you're not texting yourself. You're
now texting them, but it's not going to them. You're
not pressing send. Every time you feel an emotional wave,
(21:40):
type out what you'd say to them, but don't send it,
and you can read it back later. See how fast
your emotion shift. And this helps you break the illusion
that they are the solution to your feelings. You believe
that they're the ones to give you closure. This process,
you realize that you're the only person who can give
(22:04):
you closure. What this evolves into is something I call
the reverse closure letter that you never send. Write a
letter from your future healed self to your present self.
It could sound like this, I know this hurts now,
but trust me, it will all make sense. You'll be
(22:26):
grateful for this in the future, this will turn out
to be the best thing that ever happened to you,
and you can read this every time you doubt yourself.
I hope that this is helping. I hope it's resonating.
I hope it's connecting. I want you to find one
or two things in here that really move the needle
for you, that really help you. And a few quick
(22:48):
ways to think about it is the opposite day technique.
If you feel like isolating, make yourself go out. If
you feel like crying in bed, make yourself journal. The
goal is to retrain your nervous system so that you're
not just sinking into emotional autopilot. The opposite day technique
is one of my favorite ways because it shifts you
(23:11):
out of your thing. And that's really what we're talking
about here. What we're talking about with all of this
is how can you quickly shift yourself, not to make
things better, not to negate your feelings, not to neglect
how you feel, but to put yourself in a position
of strength of being able to actually deal with this
in a healthy way. Day twenty one to day twenty five,
(23:34):
Adventure mode. Do something you've never done before. Right, It's
fun it's exciting. Set up a solo date night, set
up an activity night, whatever you want to do with
some friends, find people that you want to do interesting
things with that you've never done before. All of a sudden,
you realize your life is filled with more adventure than
(23:58):
you ever thought. Twenty six to day thirty is reflection.
In the reflection phase, I want you to set a
ninety day reminder. Mark a date ninety days from today
on your calendar, right down where you want to be emotionally.
(24:21):
One you skill, hobby, or milestone you will have accomplished
or work towards. And then in ninety days you have
something to look at, something to look at how far
you've come, something to look at how far you've broken
And remember when you thought you'd never get over this,
Look at you now now. Healing isn't linear. You'll have
(24:42):
moments where you go back and forth, but it will
blow your mind how far you've come. You have to
set a future date from which you can look back
at where you are now. One of my favorite reflections
that have encouraged clients to do in this regard is
point when you're ready to call. What I call is
(25:04):
visualizing them as a stranger. Imagine running into them ten
years from now at a coffee shop. Picture them as
just some person, no emotional charge, no judgment, just neutral.
It tricks your brain into fast forwarding the healing process
and reducing emotional intensity. Now you can't rush to that,
but it's a really great way of realizing that one day,
(25:28):
right now, there's all these emotions, there's all this pain,
there's all this stress, which you're allowed to feel. One
day you won't feel it, not in the same intensity
at least. And another thing that's really helped me is
what I call removing the storyline. Take a brutally honest
inventory of the relationship's worst moments. Look at the facts.
(25:51):
Did they make you feel insecure? Did you have to
shrink yourself and reframe it? You didn't lose them, You
freed yourself, right, You didn't lose them, You actually became free.
And I think to so many of us, that's what
(26:12):
we're trying to recognize, is that in some way, somewhere
deep down, we know you know that this is actually
going to be good for you. It's just that we're
holding so strongly onto the idea. And then if all
of that doesn't work. Here's my favorite. Change their contact
(26:34):
name or delete it. But if you don't change it,
save their name as do not text or call. That
simple reminder will block you when you're about to do something.
Remove the shared Google photo access, mute and block on Spotify,
Venmo anywhere that it may come up. Because all it
is is a trigger. Instagram TikTok. All it is is
(26:57):
a trigger, and you don't have to be strong enough
to not be triggered. I think a lot of us think, well,
I'm not weak. I can still see them and not
be affected. We are that weak. All of us are
sent back right down nostalgia lane, memory lane, and that's
where we go. Give it a moment. I really hope
this helps. I really hope this supports you. Let me
(27:20):
know who you shared this with. I really believe that
these techniques will help you throw a breakup. Thank you
for trusting me with your time. Remember I'm always in
your corner and forever routing for you. Thanks for listening,
and I really really can't wait for you to listen
to another episode. Hey everyone, if you love that conversation,
(27:42):
go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist,
Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people
ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak,
and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space
right now, you won't want to miss this comsation. If
it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue.
(28:05):
It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as
you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Hey everyone, it's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jasheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
yours today. Break the patterns your brain links routines to them.
(00:50):
If you change your routine, you will change the attachment too.
Many of us don't change our pattern, don't change our
routine and expect to change the attachment. The number one
health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Shetty, Hey everyone,
(01:10):
welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty,
and I am so happy, so grateful that you've joined
me today. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's struggling
with a breakup. If you or your friend has gone
through a recent breakup, and even though you're putting on
(01:30):
a brave face or they're putting on a brave face,
you know this has affected you, it's affected them. This
episode is for you and them. If you're someone who
is scared of breaking up because of what might come,
this episode is for you. And if you're someone who
(01:51):
just got broken up with and you're trying to figure
out what healing looks like, whether it's possible, what are
the things that are about to come your way, this
episode is for you. I really want you to use
this episode as a map, as a guideline to create
your own reinvention, to create your own rejuvenation, and to
(02:16):
create your own comeback. I really believe that this episode
will give you ideas, insights, ways in which you can
apply to see how to use this as a transformative experience.
These moments in our lives come at us hard and fast.
(02:38):
They hit us really hard, and they affect all areas
of our life. And often when we're going through a breakup,
we really feel like there will be no better day.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
We can often experience this, but this episode is here
to remind you not only will you write, but you
(03:01):
all rise stronger, better, and more resilient. I also want
to make this episode extremely practical and tactical for you,
So write down notes, whether you're using your phone or
whether you're writing down in your journal, and make sure
you come back to this one as well. So the
first thing I want to set you is this idea
(03:21):
called a thirty day no contact reinvention Challenge. Instead of
just avoiding contact, I want you to actively reinvent yourself
each day. The reason why breakups hurt so much is
because we feel parts of ourself are lost, broken, or
(03:44):
gone forever. And when we've realized that, actually we're not
trying to hold on to what was there. We're trying
to rebuild from what's left. We're looking at what has
been left behind and what we can do with that
at not what we once had. So I'm gonna break
this down into five day experiences because often what we
(04:09):
think about is we hear things like time will heal
all wounds. That's not untrue. I actually think that is true.
But here's the thing. We need to make it smaller.
We need to make it more measurable. We need to
make it more actionable. Does time mean six months, twelve months,
three months? So I'm gonna give you a thirty day
(04:31):
no contact reinvention challenge. Day one to five potentially the
most difficult, hardest, painful days. You just broke up with them,
They just broke up with you. This is the time
that you're most likely to run back to them, or
they're most likely to try and get you back, or
(04:53):
they're most likely to ignore you and you really want
them back. Day one to five will be the hardest
days you experience. Here's what you do. Delete messages, remove reminders,
block social media, create a breakup free digital space. It's
(05:18):
so needed, it's so so needed, And a big part
of this is something I call the anti ritual disruption.
You had a ritual with this person that started to
feel like your life. You always texted them good night,
you always got a good morning message from them, You
(05:41):
always went out to coffee together on Saturday Sundays for brunch.
Break those patterns, purge, delete the messages, remove the reminders,
block mute, break up free digital space, and break the
patterns of those rituals. If you always texted them goodnight.
(06:04):
Text someone else good night. A friend, a family member,
someone who's always been there for you, someone who's always around,
someone that you may not even remember that often send
them a good night message. Used to go with them
every Saturday to get a coffee, every Sunday to get brunch.
Change your coffee shop, change your brunt spot. I don't really,
(06:28):
it doesn't matter how much you love that place or
how amazing it was, change the memory, break the pattern,
take yourself out for coffee, go out with someone else
for brunch, switch the pattern up. One of the biggest
mistakes we make is we stay in the same pattern
wanting to get rid of something. It is pretty impossible
(06:51):
to remove an emotional feeling from a physical place. If
that physical place mattered to you. Both break the patterns
your brain links routines to them. If you change your routine,
you will change the attachment. Too. Many of us don't
change our pattern, don't change our routine, and expect to
(07:13):
change the attachment. Now. It is true, we kind of
want to feel close to it. There's a part of
us that secretly even enjoys the fact that that place
mattered to us. We still go there. We have some feelings.
I get it, but we have to purge. Day one
to five, Day six to ten body reset. Change something physical.
(07:38):
Maybe you're going to change a new hairstyle, a fitness routine,
a sleep schedule. We're going back to breaking patterns, but
we're breaking patterns of our own. So the first half
was breaking patterns from the relationships. Day one to five
used to message them you mess with someone else. Day
six to ten, you're breaking your own patterns. A new
fitness routine, a new sleep schedule, a new hairstyle, whatever
(08:01):
it may be that works for you. The reason why
we want to break things so quickly and organically as well,
of course there has to be things you want to
do is because you're shifting and moving. We're not used
to change, especially when you're in relationships. When you get
into a long term relationship or an invested relationship, routines
(08:25):
are at the heart of that rich relationship. Rituals are
at the heart of that relationship. The quicker you shift
your rituals and routines, the quicker you change your memories
of that relationship. Too many of us stay in the
same physical state. We don't do a body reset. We
(08:45):
stay in the same place for a long long time.
It's one of the reasons why revenge body, which I'm
not encouraging. I encourage you to work out for yourself
and your own health. But a reason why that idea
makes sense because you're getting active, you're shifting something about yourself,
but ideally do it for yourself. Day eleven to fifteen
(09:09):
is a social reset. Reach out to three old friends
or make a new connection. By day eleven to fifteen,
you're going to want to text that X. You might
even have been strong up until now, and now you
can't bear it. It's not harder than the first five days.
(09:31):
It's harder than it felt in those first five days
to not message them. You get pulled back into that
old habit. So I'm going to give you what I
call the five text rule for breaking the urge to
reach out. This is called the five text rule. Before
(09:54):
you text your X, send five texts, one to a friend,
one to someone you admire, one to a family member,
one to yourself. Yep, literally text yourself and five one
to a new connection. By the end of that the
(10:14):
urge usually passes because you've created five conversations. Now you
may message your friend and your friend's not available. So
usually you'd message your friend and then you'd go message
your ex, especially if you ask your friend, hey, should
I message my ex? Don't make the conversation about your ex.
Make it about something else. Message your friend and ask
them what they're doing later. What are they doing this weekend?
(10:35):
How's their day going? Ask them questions about them. Shift
the energy from your problems to helping them. Too many
of us will reach out to everyone in our life
and only talk about our problems. Hey, I really need
to talk to you. I'm really struggling with this. Hey
I just need to talk about my ex. Hey I
think I should take them back? Hey, I really want
to message them? What should I do? You use the
(10:58):
people that are trying to help you to solve the
situation about the person who hurt you. Make it about
that person, help them, support them, be there for them,
ask them how their day is going. You will get
out of your own head. So send a message to
a friend and don't make it, hey should I text
(11:19):
my ex? Second, someone you admire, maybe a professor, or
it may be a DM to someone online. Whatever it
may be, just someone you look up to, and again,
make it separate from the conversation one to a family member.
I promise you there's a family member in your life
who loves you, who supports you, who's there for you,
(11:40):
and you forgot about them during that relationship. You ignored them,
you disconnected for them, and you don't need to do that.
Send a message to that person. Number four, Send a
message to yourself. It's a great place to store your thoughts.
Often we try and solve our thoughts in our head.
(12:01):
Pretty difficult to do that. It's almost like, when you
think about it, there's a courtroom and then there's a
jewelry room right in the courtroom. The jewelry room listens,
but they go to the jewey room to make a decision.
You need to have a conversation with yourself in text
form in the jury room. Your mind's like the courtroom
(12:22):
where you think you have to make the big decisions,
where you think you have to solve everything. But that's
not true. You need to be able to go to
a jewelry room to discuss it, to think about it,
to reflect, and the courtroom is just the place you
announce the decision. Notice that distinction is huge, right, Often
we're just having conversations in our head. Should I stay
(12:43):
with them, should I text them? Should I take them back?
What should I do? And you're almost trying to make
this big decision in the courtroom. Text yourself, build a
log of how you feel different at different times, how
do you really feel about that person? And I'll come
back to that point, But what do you really think?
(13:04):
What do you really believe? The courtroom? Your mind is
a place to listen, is a place to absorb. It's there,
But the decision is made in the jewelry room and
announced in the courtroom. When you've taken out that personal
time to reflect, to introspect, to think, you can come
back to your mind, and whenever your mind says let's
(13:24):
text them, you go, no, we thought about this. I'm
going to text five people first. The five text rule
for breaking the urge to reach out is a game changer.
One to a friend, one to someone you admire, one
to a family friend, one to yourself, and fifth to
(13:44):
a new connection. Could be someone you're networking with, a
community member, obviously if it's brand new, ideally not someone
you're dating, But if you're further down the line, it
could be that and all of a sudden, you've started
five conversations, and here's what you learn through this. You
start to learn that there is more connection out there
than you actually believe. There is more love out there
(14:08):
than you actually believe. There is more support out there
than you actually believe. Let me say that again. You
have to remember that there is more love in your
life than you believe. You have more support in your
life than you believe, and you have more people rooting
for you than you believe. The problem is, you've learned
(14:31):
to believe that there's only one person who can love
you perfectly. You've learned to believe that there's only one
person who knows what you need. You have trained yourself
to believe that there's only one person who can satisfy you.
And when you text five people, you start recognizing that's
(14:53):
just not true. There are so many people who understand you,
there are so many people who care about you, there
are so many people who value you, and you have
to experience it. You can't just remind yourself, you can't
just talk yourself through it. You actually have to practice it.
And when you get messages back from your friend, someone
(15:13):
you admire, a family member, yourself, you're not going to
get a text back from but you now have that
jewelry room courtroom breakdown, and finally a person, maybe that
you're networking with, a community member, someone you're dating, all
of a sudden, you realize you always had that value.
We have to unlearn this idea that there's only one
(15:34):
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sure you use the code on Purpose. Day sixteen to
twenty is called the mind Shift. Notice how we went
body people mind, right, So we started with the purge,
so we kind of blocked out everything we didn't want in.
(17:22):
But then we started with the body because it's great
to feel shift in the body. Then we went the
people around us, and now we do the mind. So
what we often do with the mind is we just
listen to love songs, we watch our favorite romantic movies
and guess what, You sit there and you cry and
you e ice screaming, by the way, and there's nothing
wrong with any of that. That's okay if you want
(17:42):
to do that. But when you're ready, this is the
thirty days that's going to change it for you. The
no love songs, no sad movies, detox, cut out all
breakup music and movies for thirty days when you're ready
to really get over this breakup. Right. This thirty days
may come three months after you break up for some
of you, who may come immediately after your breakup. For
(18:03):
some people, it may come six years after you break up.
But these thirty days have to happen at some point.
Replace them with uplifting, neutral, or empowering content. Start a
new book, Listen to a new podcast. Maybe you're listening
to this one right now for that reason. Start a
new course, a masterclass. Flood your brain with new ideas.
(18:26):
It's time to change your mind. Now. Why did we
go body people mind? Because if you try and do
this one first, it's really hard. When you've already shifted
your body, you're feeling a new state. Right. We all
know the feeling when we change something physical because we
live in our physical selves. It changes everything for us.
Right when you change your hairstyle, you almost are surprised
(18:47):
every time you look in the mirror. When you change
your workout routine, you're more surprised about the energy you feel.
When you change your environment, like the color of a room,
you feel different. So we want to change physical states first,
then the people around us, then our mind. A lot
of us try and do the mind shift first and
(19:09):
it doesn't work right, It doesn't work, And this works wonders.
This mind shift fuels you with so many different ideas
and a good thing you can add to this is
something I call the reverse bucket list. Instead of listing
things you want to do, list things you never want
(19:31):
to do or repeat in a relationship. Right we're used
to writing down all the things we want to do
before we die. List all the things you never want
to do again in a relationship, and use this as
a guide when you start dating again, so you don't
just heal, but you upgrade. I think this is one
of the biggest mistakes we make. People are just trying
(19:52):
to get over their X. We're just trying to move on,
but we're not upgrading. And I think when you choose
to say, hey, this is what I'm I'm never gonna
do again. I'm never gonna fall fast. I'm never just
gonna give up my trust. I'm never just gonna hand them.
You know, whatever it is that you made mistakes on
and again, you don't want these things to be extreme.
(20:13):
You want them to be real, and you may edit them,
you may review them, and you may change them over time.
But it's great to start with a reverse bucket list.
I want to go back to that idea about a
new identity for a second. It's so important that if
your Sunday routine used to involve snuggling up to a movie,
(20:35):
make Sundays your workout and meal prep day. The goal
is all about erasing patterns and building new ones. That
doesn't mean you'll never go back to that park. It
doesn't mean you'll never go back to that restaurant that
you loved. Right, that's not the point I'm making. The
point I'm making is that we need to shift pattern.
We need to edit pattern as quickly as possible. Right,
(20:56):
we have to do that. Another thing that usually happens
by this day is there are things you want to
say to that person. Right by this point, you've reflected,
you've thought about it, and now you're like, wait a minute,
there's stuff I want to say to that person that
I never got to say. And sometimes it's an excuse
to just get back in touch, feel a bit of
(21:17):
you know, interest again. A lot of the time, it's
just a painful point that you never got closure from them.
So what you want to do in this regard is
create a private note or text thread where you vent
instead of texting them, So you're not texting yourself. You're
now texting them, but it's not going to them. You're
not pressing send. Every time you feel an emotional wave,
(21:40):
type out what you'd say to them, but don't send it,
and you can read it back later. See how fast
your emotion shift. And this helps you break the illusion
that they are the solution to your feelings. You believe
that they're the ones to give you closure. This process,
you realize that you're the only person who can give
(22:04):
you closure. What this evolves into is something I call
the reverse closure letter that you never send. Write a
letter from your future healed self to your present self.
It could sound like this, I know this hurts now,
but trust me, it will all make sense. You'll be
(22:26):
grateful for this in the future, this will turn out
to be the best thing that ever happened to you,
and you can read this every time you doubt yourself.
I hope that this is helping. I hope it's resonating.
I hope it's connecting. I want you to find one
or two things in here that really move the needle
for you, that really help you. And a few quick
(22:48):
ways to think about it is the opposite day technique.
If you feel like isolating, make yourself go out. If
you feel like crying in bed, make yourself journal. The
goal is to retrain your nervous system so that you're
not just sinking into emotional autopilot. The opposite day technique
is one of my favorite ways because it shifts you
(23:11):
out of your thing. And that's really what we're talking
about here. What we're talking about with all of this
is how can you quickly shift yourself, not to make
things better, not to negate your feelings, not to neglect
how you feel, but to put yourself in a position
of strength of being able to actually deal with this
in a healthy way. Day twenty one to day twenty five,
(23:34):
Adventure mode. Do something you've never done before. Right, It's
fun it's exciting. Set up a solo date night, set
up an activity night, whatever you want to do with
some friends, find people that you want to do interesting
things with that you've never done before. All of a sudden,
you realize your life is filled with more adventure than
(23:58):
you ever thought. Twenty six to day thirty is reflection.
In the reflection phase, I want you to set a
ninety day reminder. Mark a date ninety days from today
on your calendar, right down where you want to be emotionally.
(24:21):
One you skill, hobby, or milestone you will have accomplished
or work towards. And then in ninety days you have
something to look at, something to look at how far
you've come, something to look at how far you've broken
And remember when you thought you'd never get over this,
Look at you now now. Healing isn't linear. You'll have
(24:42):
moments where you go back and forth, but it will
blow your mind how far you've come. You have to
set a future date from which you can look back
at where you are now. One of my favorite reflections
that have encouraged clients to do in this regard is
point when you're ready to call. What I call is
(25:04):
visualizing them as a stranger. Imagine running into them ten
years from now at a coffee shop. Picture them as
just some person, no emotional charge, no judgment, just neutral.
It tricks your brain into fast forwarding the healing process
and reducing emotional intensity. Now you can't rush to that,
but it's a really great way of realizing that one day,
(25:28):
right now, there's all these emotions, there's all this pain,
there's all this stress, which you're allowed to feel. One
day you won't feel it, not in the same intensity
at least. And another thing that's really helped me is
what I call removing the storyline. Take a brutally honest
inventory of the relationship's worst moments. Look at the facts.
(25:51):
Did they make you feel insecure? Did you have to
shrink yourself and reframe it? You didn't lose them, You
freed yourself, right, You didn't lose them, You actually became free.
And I think to so many of us, that's what
(26:12):
we're trying to recognize, is that in some way, somewhere
deep down, we know you know that this is actually
going to be good for you. It's just that we're
holding so strongly onto the idea. And then if all
of that doesn't work. Here's my favorite. Change their contact
(26:34):
name or delete it. But if you don't change it,
save their name as do not text or call. That
simple reminder will block you when you're about to do something.
Remove the shared Google photo access, mute and block on Spotify,
Venmo anywhere that it may come up. Because all it
is is a trigger. Instagram TikTok. All it is is
(26:57):
a trigger, and you don't have to be strong enough
to not be triggered. I think a lot of us think, well,
I'm not weak. I can still see them and not
be affected. We are that weak. All of us are
sent back right down nostalgia lane, memory lane, and that's
where we go. Give it a moment. I really hope
this helps. I really hope this supports you. Let me
(27:20):
know who you shared this with. I really believe that
these techniques will help you throw a breakup. Thank you
for trusting me with your time. Remember I'm always in
your corner and forever routing for you. Thanks for listening,
and I really really can't wait for you to listen
to another episode. Hey everyone, if you love that conversation,
(27:42):
go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist,
Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people
ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak,
and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space
right now, you won't want to miss this comsation. If
it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue.
(28:05):
It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as
you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Host
Jay Shetty
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