May 5, 2023 • 29 mins
Today, I am going to share with you a conversation I had with Anna Martin from the Modern Love podcast. In this conversation, I share my journey and the life struggles I had after I left the ashram, learning more about love and dating, and the different types of love we can share to different people.
You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.
Key Takeaways:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:58 A chance encounter that totally changed Jay’s life forever
- 05:03 The two things we can learn from the monks and use in our daily life.
- 06:06 A peak at Jay’s Modern Love essay.
- 07:09 Every person you interact with is a mirror of your ego
- 08:49 Realizing that the path you’re in isn’t the real path for you
- 11:39 Returning to the real world and relearning how to date again
- 13:56 A peak at Jay’s essay about his first date with his wife Radhi
- 15:26 We often we underestimate how strongly our conditioning and wiring leads our life
- 17:48 Acknowledging your partner’s deep connection with family
- 18:25 The four stages of life and the different types of love we can share
Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, and I'm so excited because we're going to
be adding a really special offering onto the back of
my solo episodes on Fridays. It's my short daily series
on Calm, The Daily Jay. And let me tell you,
it's unlike anything else I'm doing. It's part storytelling, part mindfulness,
with a wide range of unique, actionable insights, and it's
also the only place you can meditate with me each
(00:22):
and every day. I absolutely love all the wisdom was sharing,
all the lives were changing, and whether you want to
improve your mindset, your habits, or your relationships, whether you
want to work on developing more focus, presence, or equanimity,
building a Daily Jay routine just seven minutes every day
can make a huge impact. So make sure to check
out the session at the end of the podcast, and
(00:44):
then subscribe to Calm for your daily dose of The
Daily Jay. Go to Calm dot com forward slash ja
for forty percent off your membership. Today from The New.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
York Times, this is modern love. I'm Anna Martin, love now.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
And stronger than anything, and I love you more than anything.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
I still love today. We have an essay about being
yourself when you're dating, which is so hard to not
show off, just to show up as you. The essay
is written by relationship expert Jay Shetty, and this guy
is kind of having a moment. Please welcome to the
Lays Show, Jay Shetty.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Will Smith is a big fan. I know Oprah is
a big, big, big fan. Jay.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
You're amazing, Ja Shetty, Jay Shetty j He's the go
to life coach for over fifty million followers. He's written books,
He's on a world tour and this is huge for me.
He officiated the wedding of j Lo and Ben Affleck
on his podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Question is from Alanat Thank you for your question.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
He answers burning love questions.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I've been ghosted recently for the first time. I feel
like I did something wrong. Whoa right? This is such
a common one for so many people. Now, why do
we need closure?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Jay's advice is tailored for the Internet, but it's rooted
in Hindu philosophy. Jay was a monk in India for
three years in his twenties, and that time gave him
insights into the way that anyone can be more loving
and more compassionate and more monk like, even if you've
never been to an Ashram. Today we have Jay's Modern
(02:35):
Love essay about dating like a monk and how that
led him to the love of his life. Jay Sheddy,
so excited to have you on the show. Welcome to
Modern Love.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Ah, thank you so much for having me. I'm so
grateful to be here.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
So, Jay, you became a monk right after you graduated university,
which is not the traditional postgrad plan. How did you
make the choice to tokeate yourself to this way of life?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
So the first monk I ever met was at a
college event. I used to go and hear speakers and
athletes and musicians and thought leaders speak all the time.
I went there expecting very little and thinking I didn't
need anything that he was going to share. But I
walked out of there with the newfound direction. He was
talking about how the greatest gift in life, for the
(03:24):
greatest purpose is to use our skills in the service
of others. Now, when I look back, I realized that
when I was eighteen, I'd met people who were beautiful,
I'd met people who were rich, but I don't think
i'd met anyone who is truly content and truly self aware.
And he was all of those things. And so I thought, well,
(03:46):
I want those things. Those things seemed to be worthy
of pursuit. So, you know, for the next three to
four years, I still had relationships, I was still going out,
I was still doing anything that any person does at college.
But I would spend my Some and Christmas vacations often
visiting his monastery in India. Oh wow, Okay, And I'd
spend the other half interning at financial companies and corporations
(04:11):
in London, thinking that that's what I was going to
do for work. And every time i'd come back from
the monastery, I'd be full of joy and enthusiasm and energy.
And every time i'd finish my internship, I'd think, I
don't think that that's what I'm meant to be doing.
So I allowed myself to live two separate lives because
I was just trying to learn and understand. I was
(04:32):
very young. I even skipped my graduation ceremonies because I
was already in the monastery.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Yeah, and the other was everyone in your life? How
did they react to that choice?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
So a lot of my friends were really confused. They
were just like, what are you doing? Like, you know,
everyone was getting fancy jobs and my extended family and
community was actually quite negative. They were saying things like,
you're wasting your life, You're never going to get a
job again, you're joining a car.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Wow. What would you tell them was so important about
this way of life that you needed to go dedicate
your existence to it?
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Well, the two things that I saw the monks in
those summer and Christmas vacations, what they dedicated their life
to was self mastery and service. And when I talk
about self mastery, I mean understanding ego, understanding envy, understanding
what our emotions are trying to tell us and how
to respond to them. And the other half of service
(05:30):
that they were living their life trying to build sustainable
villages or food distribution programs to help the poor or
disadvantaged children. And I saw them living their life in
a way trying to positively impact others, and I thought,
that's what I want to dedicate my life to, is
figuring out what's going on inside of me and then
help people figuring out what's going on outside.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
You became a monk in your twenties when most people
are going out and flirting and going on dat and
your modern love essay kind of begins with you listing
out what your priorities were when you were a monk.
Can you read that part of your essay for me?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yes? Absolutely, So. Monks are famously celibate, but celibacy doesn't
just mean you're not having sex. It means you're not
interacting with other people in a way that could be
considered romantic. The Sanskrit word for monk, brahmacharia, means the
(06:32):
right use of energy. It's not that romance and sexual
energy are wrong, but my practice teaches that we all
have a limited amount of energy, which can be directed
in multiple directions or one, and when energy is scattered,
(06:52):
it's difficult to create momentum or impact.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
You mentioned that these monks that you saw, who you
so admired and were learning from, have this method of
self mastery. Can you tell me what you learned about
that method of subduing the ego over those three years.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah. So, from a more general standpoint, I'd say that
when you're living with a group of men in an ushroom,
every single person is a mirror for your ego because
you're having so many interactions daily that trigger you.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Huh, what do you mean triggered? Like you know you
have a difficult conversation or something.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Yeah, it could It could be a difficult conversation. It
could be that someone didn't save food for you when
you relate to lunch or breakfast, right. It could be
that you weren't selected to give a class this morning
and someone else was, and you start noticing very worldly
responses to spiritual tasks, and you realize that just being
(07:57):
in an ushroom doesn't remove your ear. So I'd say
that some of the practices that really helped were the
practices of recognizing that everyone was a teacher and a
student at the same time. This is something that was
one of my favorite moments. Actually. I was with my
monk teacher and he's in his sixties or seventies at
(08:20):
the time, and I'm a young new monk, and every
morning I would bow down to him, which was our custom,
and he would bow down again back to me. And
I would always think how special that was because there
was this mutual respect. And I think that practice was
(08:44):
really beautiful because you realized that you were never at
the top and you were never at the bottom.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Well, I want to talk about your decision to leave
the ashram after three years. How did you make that call.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
So it was the most difficult decision I'd made at
the time. Communal living was really tough on my body
in terms of my health. I would get sick more
often in the USHERM. You know, you're living in rooms
from sometimes thirty to one hundred people, and so there
was a physical health component. And then there was this
deeper realization that I loved what I was learning. But
(09:18):
all I dreamt about and thought about was how could
I share this with other people? Because I know so
many of my friends are dealing with this, but they're
not going to come here, but I really feel the
desire to share it with them, and I want to
do that. And so there were these two self awareness
pieces which led me to realize I wasn't a monk.
And I think that's almost like realizing that you told
(09:39):
someone you love them, but now you're falling out of
love with them, or you realize you're not in love
them anymore. Like that's how it felt.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Did you talk to your teachers at all when you
were thinking about making this hard decision to leave the Ashram?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
I did. I did, And I was even scared to
talk to them about it because I didn't want to
feel judged, or you know, you're almost dropping out and
think what are your teachers going to say? Right? And
my teacher said to me when I told him that
I think I should leave, he said to me that
some people go to college and some of them become professors.
(10:13):
And he said some of them leave after their degree
and they become entrepreneurs or they work at a company.
And he said, which one's better, the people who become
professors or the people who leave. And I said neither.
I mean whatever's right for the person. And he said, well,
that's the same here. He said, some people come and
they graduate to become monks, and they stay here for
many years, and some take their training like you did,
(10:36):
and leave and go on to do wonderful things. And
he said, I think you'll be very happy if you're
sharing what you've learned, and so you should do that.
And so there was this really like understanding open view
of no, maybe it's not right for you anymore. It
was right for you then and not anymore, and there's
nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Even in your decision to leave them. They had compassion
for you, which is really beautiful.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Exactly that time was extremely tough for me, and it
wasn't even a happy decision. And it was even more
depressing because when I came back, everyone was like, oh
we told you so, oh you came back. Oh you
failed being a monk. And then you know, I was
applying for jobs and forty companies rejected me without an interview,
(11:19):
and I was thinking, oh god, because.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Your resume had Ashram for three years on it and
nothing else.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, it's like, what are your transferable skills?
Sitting star silent and being still like, no one wants
that in their company, and so it was it was
just almost like maybe everyone was right and maybe I
did just waste three years. Yeah, really really difficult time.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
When you came back to London. You know, like in
a science fiction movie or something, when people are frozen
in those little pods and then they get released after
thousands of years and they're like, what is a cell phone?
Was it like that for you when you came back
to London? Did you not recognize anything around you?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
The hardest part is having to do small when you've
done no small talk for three years, right, You've not
had a conversation about the latest TV show or the
latest movie.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Have you heard about self mastery and they'd be like, what,
that's exactly it. That must have been really awkward as
you started to get back into dating two. What was
that part of it, like, like building a social life
dating again.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I didn't really think about dating overall, as I kind
of I guess I was a bit scared, but I
didn't even think about it that way. But I had
definitely like forgotten how to flirt. But when I started
talking to my now wife, because she was really good
friends with my sister and she'd be over at our
(12:44):
place and I'd be talking to her right, I only
really knew how to have really thoughtful, vulnerable, deep conversations.
I do remember that she was always very inquisitive, and
so that was kind of helpful for me to just
totally be myself. That kind of made it easy for
me to be around her, I guess, because it wasn't
someone that I had to be someone I wasn't around.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
After the break, Jay Shetty goes on a date after
leaving the Ashram and it does not go well. That's next.
(13:43):
So Jay, you've left the Ashram, you're back living in London,
trying to return to a normal life. You're working you're
starting to date, and eventually you go on a date
with Roddy, who is now your wife. Can you read
the part of your essay where you talk about your
first date with her?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Absolutely? The night was going to cost me nearly a
week's income, and I wanted it to be perfect. We
were at Locanda Locatelli, one of the best restaurants in London,
when we slid into a buttery leather booth. I winced.
She was vegan, and vegans aren't known to appreciate leather boots.
(14:24):
But the lights were low, the ambiance beautiful, and I
was still hoping to hear how impressed she was. Do
you think they have anything vegan on the menu, she said,
sounding more worried than excited. They're famous for their fresh pasta,
I said, trying to sound optimistic, but I had signed
(14:44):
us up for a special tasting menu and I didn't
know how much choice she would have. Fresh pasta usually
has eggs, she said, But we'll see. The service is amazing, right,
I said. She smiled politely, but she wasn't eating much.
(15:05):
After dinner. I drove her home and dropped her off
outside her apartment. She thanked me and waived a friendly
goodbye that the evening had fallen flat. Clearly, I had
no idea what I was doing.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Oh I'm feeling for you Jay in this moment. Oh
my gosh, Why do you think it was so easy
for you to slip back into this sort of unmonklike
mode of trying to impress Rody? Like? What is it
about dating someone that made you slip back to the
old way of life?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
I think we're so unaware, and we underestimate how strongly
our conditioning and wiring leads our life. Since I was young,
I saw the dates that movies had in rom coms.
I had done those dates with partners in my teens
and college life, and so you assume that I just
have to keep repeating this cycle until it goes wrong.
(16:05):
And I think we don't realize how many cycles and
how many patterns we live in until we start to
break them. And it was only later that I figured
out that my wife's favorite thing to do. She said
to me, my ideal date would be going to Tesco's
and walking down the bread aisle. Tesco's is England's Whole Foods.
And I think that she was speaking more from a
(16:28):
kind of funny tongue in cheek in terms of, hey,
I'm simple. I just want to walk down an isle
at a grocery store and pick something up to eat.
We don't need to go to a fancy restaurant. And
I thought that that was refreshing and beautiful because it
showed me that she didn't value those things.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
How long did it take you to sort of relax
into yourself with Roddy and what did it take to
do that?
Speaker 1 (16:52):
Well, I think it was. I give the credit to
her because she was so good at not trying to
impress someone back. And I don't know, Radi's just a
special human being. It's just like she's so different and
weird in a good way. I dedicated my first book
to her, and I wrote the dedication to be to
my wife, who's more monk than I'll ever be. I
(17:16):
just think that a lot of the qualities I learned
during my time as a monk, Radi had them quite naturally.
I look for monk qualities in everyone I meet, and
I believe everyone, whether they've been a monk or not,
have them. But the monk life really helps us consciously
train them and build them and develop them as well.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Yeah, I'm struck by when you said that she was,
even though it was a bit of a joke, like
I just want to walk down the bred aisle, that
sort of simple, pure way of connecting does feel very
monk like of her. I mean it sounds like you
were picking up on these sort of monk like qualities
in her even early on.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
I think that as well. But I think another thing
that just came to mind is RADI would always say, Oh,
I want you to come and spend time with my family.
My family's really important to me. Remember when I first
started hanging out at her house, her family would all
often look at it and be like, are you really
gonna wear that when he comes over, because she'd just
be in sweats or whatever, and she'd be like, Yeah,
that is what I'm gonna wear because that's what I
(18:11):
would wear if I was at the house totally. And
so she had this really like honest, vulnerable, open way
of being from the beginning, and I think that was
definitely monk like as well, to just say, yeah, this
is who I am and this is how we'll be.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
And it's part of your practice now to try to
develop or even hone those monk qualities in other people. Correct,
that's your books and your podcast. That's sort of about
sort of training folks who haven't spent years in Ashram
to exhibit these qualities in their own life.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yeah. Yeah, definitely. The literatures that I studied during my
time as a monk really laid out the four stages
of life almost as four classrooms of love. So the
four stages of life are considered you know, life in
solitude or monk life or single life. The second stage
is relationship life or married life. The third stage of
(19:07):
life is almost reflecting and thinking about what you want
to do next. And then the fourth stage of life
is loving the world. And the monks believe that the
most important love story is the love story you have
with anyone and everyone and with the world. I think
so often we've built up this idea in society that
the most important love story is your romantic love story.
(19:31):
So many people either go through life single and think
that they're unworthy of love because they don't have a
romantic partner, or someone loses their romantic partner and then
they feel like they don't have any love in their life,
but the love of a brother, a sister, or a
mother or a father, like all of these loves count like.
We can't say that romantic love is above or below
(19:53):
any of these.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Jay of those four steps, what stage do you think
you're in?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
I would say that I probably have a bit of
a glimpse into all of them.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Wow, okay, uh huh.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Probably at step two practicing to love my wife and
the people around me. But I have a glimpse into
step three and four because Step three requires a lot
of healing tact love within yourself. And then stage four
is where I want to live every day, which is
I want to love everyone, and I want to share
love with everyone on the planet, and I want to
be able to spread love across the world.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Well, you are on a world tour, so i'd say
you're pretty You're pretty far in your way to step four.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
I guess I think I'm definitely. That's why I meant
That's why I said glimpses, because when I'm with my teachers,
I see how they live in that space, and I
see how I just have a little peak, and that's
good enough to prove to me it's real. And so
I feel grateful that there's more to learn, though I'm
not upset I'm not there. I'm happy that I know
(20:53):
where I have to go. All I'm trying to give
people is I don't want anyone to feel shame or
guilt for how they currently live. I want you to
feel clarity and curiosity about where you still have to go.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
M Jay Sheddy, thank you so much for coming on
the show.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Thank you for having me. So grateful and appreciate your
time and energy.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Modern Love is produced by Julia Botero, Christina Josa, and
Hans Buto. It's edited by Sarah Sarason. Our executive producer
is Jen Poyant. This episode was mixed by Mary and Lozano.
Our show was recorded by Mattie Macielo. The Modern Love
theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music in this
episode by Marion Lozano, Pat McCusker, and Rowan Nina Stow.
(21:47):
Digital production by Mihima Chablani and Nelgael Oakley. Special thanks
to Jay Shetty's team, Nicole Berg and ENnie Ginghold. The
Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Me A
Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. I'm Anna Martin,
thanks for listening.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
I'm not in this world to live up to your
expectations and you're not in this world to live up
to mine. I just love that quote from Bruce Lee.
And while it can feel really hard to overcome the
limits placed on you by others, I'm here to remind
you their limits don't have to be yours. The next
(22:39):
seven minutes are about your potential and defying expectations. I'm
Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Before we go
any further, let's get centered with three deliberate breaths inhaling
(23:00):
and exhaling, filling your lungs with ease, emptying them with focus,
embracing this moment, and tuning in. Today, I'd like to
(23:24):
introduce you to one of the most exciting runners of
the past twenty years. No, I'm not talking about Usain
Bolt or Alison Felix. I'm talking about Fouger's Singh, the
world's oldest marathoner now. Fougia was not born with the
traditional athletic build In fact, his legs were so skinny
(23:48):
and weak that he couldn't walk at all until age five.
Growing up in a farming village in India, other kids
would tease him. They called him Dunder, which is Njabi
for stick. Eventually, Fouga grew fit and healthy. He got married,
had six children and a farm of his own. It
(24:10):
was a good life, not without its challenges, but one
that was full and fulfilling. Then, in his mid eighties,
Fauja suffered the loss of his middle son, called Deep.
His wife had passed away a few years earlier, and
the rest of his children had long ago left India.
(24:31):
Fauja felt lonely and lost, so he moved to England
to live with some of his remaining family. He started
running with fellow Punjabi expats, and he found that it
helped him cope with his grief. It gave him purpose,
and in fact, he was good at it, really good
(24:52):
for his age. He had stayed in shape with his
lifelong farm work, and when he challenged other seniors would win.
Then one day he saw a marathon on TV. He
didn't know exactly what the race was, but he wanted
to compete. Even though Fouger enjoyed running, it seemed like
(25:15):
a stretch to prepare for a twenty six mile trek,
but Fouger was determined. He found a coach to train him,
and several months later he finished the London Marathon. In
just under seven hours. Since then, he has made global headlines,
running and astonishing eight more marathons. He's also broken several
(25:40):
world records, including being the first one hundred year old
to finish a marathon. Fouga's last competitive race was a
ten k in twenty thirteen, just before he turned one
hundred and two. He's now retired, but he still runs
for fun at the age of one huge hundred and eleven.
(26:02):
All my life, Faugia once said, people set limitations on me.
They said I would never walk, They said I would
never farm. They certainly never thought I would set records
with my running. No matter what people said, I always
believed in myself. I never gave up. Fauga's story is
(26:28):
remarkable because he didn't let the expectations of others determine
his path or slow him down, despite the supposed barriers
in his way. Maybe you can relate to that. Maybe
there's something you want to do but people keep saying
you can't, or you've been teased for something that's supposed
(26:50):
to hold you back, whatever it may be. Don't let
outside opinions prevent you from pursuing your passions or chasing
your dreams. Don't let others define what your life looks like.
Remember those are their limits, not yours. And as our
(27:11):
time today winds down, let's meditate on that. So get
comfortable wherever you are, allowing your body and mind to
relax into the present. See if you can adopt a
(27:32):
compassionate attitude here, embracing yourself and your experience whatever this
practice brings. This is a moment of rest. You don't
(27:53):
have to do anything or be anywhere. And if you
find your mind busy or your body restless, that's okay.
There's nothing you need to do with your thoughts or emotions.
(28:18):
Just observe that they exist and see if you can
gently let them be. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're
feeling right now. Meditation is a beautiful opportunity to just
(28:44):
be aware of your present experience. And now let's open
this up. Bring to mind an interest that you might
like to pursue, but you're hesitant, wondering if time has
(29:05):
passed you by. Can you open yourself up to the
possibility that it's not actually too late. What's one step
you could take toward that interest. I'm looking forward to
(29:29):
seeing what you're going to do next. Thanks for being here. Today,
I'd love you to share this message with someone who
could use it, and I'll see you tomorrow
Hey everyone, and I'm so excited because we're going to
be adding a really special offering onto the back of
my solo episodes on Fridays. It's my short daily series
on Calm, The Daily Jay. And let me tell you,
it's unlike anything else I'm doing. It's part storytelling, part mindfulness,
with a wide range of unique, actionable insights, and it's
also the only place you can meditate with me each
(00:22):
and every day. I absolutely love all the wisdom was sharing,
all the lives were changing, and whether you want to
improve your mindset, your habits, or your relationships, whether you
want to work on developing more focus, presence, or equanimity,
building a Daily Jay routine just seven minutes every day
can make a huge impact. So make sure to check
out the session at the end of the podcast, and
(00:44):
then subscribe to Calm for your daily dose of The
Daily Jay. Go to Calm dot com forward slash ja
for forty percent off your membership. Today from The New.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
York Times, this is modern love. I'm Anna Martin, love now.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
And stronger than anything, and I love you more than anything.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
I still love today. We have an essay about being
yourself when you're dating, which is so hard to not
show off, just to show up as you. The essay
is written by relationship expert Jay Shetty, and this guy
is kind of having a moment. Please welcome to the
Lays Show, Jay Shetty.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Will Smith is a big fan. I know Oprah is
a big, big, big fan. Jay.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
You're amazing, Ja Shetty, Jay Shetty j He's the go
to life coach for over fifty million followers. He's written books,
He's on a world tour and this is huge for me.
He officiated the wedding of j Lo and Ben Affleck
on his podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Question is from Alanat Thank you for your question.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
He answers burning love questions.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I've been ghosted recently for the first time. I feel
like I did something wrong. Whoa right? This is such
a common one for so many people. Now, why do
we need closure?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Jay's advice is tailored for the Internet, but it's rooted
in Hindu philosophy. Jay was a monk in India for
three years in his twenties, and that time gave him
insights into the way that anyone can be more loving
and more compassionate and more monk like, even if you've
never been to an Ashram. Today we have Jay's Modern
(02:35):
Love essay about dating like a monk and how that
led him to the love of his life. Jay Sheddy,
so excited to have you on the show. Welcome to
Modern Love.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Ah, thank you so much for having me. I'm so
grateful to be here.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
So, Jay, you became a monk right after you graduated university,
which is not the traditional postgrad plan. How did you
make the choice to tokeate yourself to this way of life?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
So the first monk I ever met was at a
college event. I used to go and hear speakers and
athletes and musicians and thought leaders speak all the time.
I went there expecting very little and thinking I didn't
need anything that he was going to share. But I
walked out of there with the newfound direction. He was
talking about how the greatest gift in life, for the
(03:24):
greatest purpose is to use our skills in the service
of others. Now, when I look back, I realized that
when I was eighteen, I'd met people who were beautiful,
I'd met people who were rich, but I don't think
i'd met anyone who is truly content and truly self aware.
And he was all of those things. And so I thought, well,
(03:46):
I want those things. Those things seemed to be worthy
of pursuit. So, you know, for the next three to
four years, I still had relationships, I was still going out,
I was still doing anything that any person does at college.
But I would spend my Some and Christmas vacations often
visiting his monastery in India. Oh wow, Okay, And I'd
spend the other half interning at financial companies and corporations
(04:11):
in London, thinking that that's what I was going to
do for work. And every time i'd come back from
the monastery, I'd be full of joy and enthusiasm and energy.
And every time i'd finish my internship, I'd think, I
don't think that that's what I'm meant to be doing.
So I allowed myself to live two separate lives because
I was just trying to learn and understand. I was
(04:32):
very young. I even skipped my graduation ceremonies because I
was already in the monastery.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Yeah, and the other was everyone in your life? How
did they react to that choice?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
So a lot of my friends were really confused. They
were just like, what are you doing? Like, you know,
everyone was getting fancy jobs and my extended family and
community was actually quite negative. They were saying things like,
you're wasting your life, You're never going to get a
job again, you're joining a car.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Wow. What would you tell them was so important about
this way of life that you needed to go dedicate
your existence to it?
Speaker 1 (05:07):
Well, the two things that I saw the monks in
those summer and Christmas vacations, what they dedicated their life
to was self mastery and service. And when I talk
about self mastery, I mean understanding ego, understanding envy, understanding
what our emotions are trying to tell us and how
to respond to them. And the other half of service
(05:30):
that they were living their life trying to build sustainable
villages or food distribution programs to help the poor or
disadvantaged children. And I saw them living their life in
a way trying to positively impact others, and I thought,
that's what I want to dedicate my life to, is
figuring out what's going on inside of me and then
help people figuring out what's going on outside.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
You became a monk in your twenties when most people
are going out and flirting and going on dat and
your modern love essay kind of begins with you listing
out what your priorities were when you were a monk.
Can you read that part of your essay for me?
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yes? Absolutely, So. Monks are famously celibate, but celibacy doesn't
just mean you're not having sex. It means you're not
interacting with other people in a way that could be
considered romantic. The Sanskrit word for monk, brahmacharia, means the
(06:32):
right use of energy. It's not that romance and sexual
energy are wrong, but my practice teaches that we all
have a limited amount of energy, which can be directed
in multiple directions or one, and when energy is scattered,
(06:52):
it's difficult to create momentum or impact.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
You mentioned that these monks that you saw, who you
so admired and were learning from, have this method of
self mastery. Can you tell me what you learned about
that method of subduing the ego over those three years.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah. So, from a more general standpoint, I'd say that
when you're living with a group of men in an ushroom,
every single person is a mirror for your ego because
you're having so many interactions daily that trigger you.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Huh, what do you mean triggered? Like you know you
have a difficult conversation or something.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Yeah, it could It could be a difficult conversation. It
could be that someone didn't save food for you when
you relate to lunch or breakfast, right. It could be
that you weren't selected to give a class this morning
and someone else was, and you start noticing very worldly
responses to spiritual tasks, and you realize that just being
(07:57):
in an ushroom doesn't remove your ear. So I'd say
that some of the practices that really helped were the
practices of recognizing that everyone was a teacher and a
student at the same time. This is something that was
one of my favorite moments. Actually. I was with my
monk teacher and he's in his sixties or seventies at
(08:20):
the time, and I'm a young new monk, and every
morning I would bow down to him, which was our custom,
and he would bow down again back to me. And
I would always think how special that was because there
was this mutual respect. And I think that practice was
(08:44):
really beautiful because you realized that you were never at
the top and you were never at the bottom.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Well, I want to talk about your decision to leave
the ashram after three years. How did you make that call.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
So it was the most difficult decision I'd made at
the time. Communal living was really tough on my body
in terms of my health. I would get sick more
often in the USHERM. You know, you're living in rooms
from sometimes thirty to one hundred people, and so there
was a physical health component. And then there was this
deeper realization that I loved what I was learning. But
(09:18):
all I dreamt about and thought about was how could
I share this with other people? Because I know so
many of my friends are dealing with this, but they're
not going to come here, but I really feel the
desire to share it with them, and I want to
do that. And so there were these two self awareness
pieces which led me to realize I wasn't a monk.
And I think that's almost like realizing that you told
(09:39):
someone you love them, but now you're falling out of
love with them, or you realize you're not in love
them anymore. Like that's how it felt.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Did you talk to your teachers at all when you
were thinking about making this hard decision to leave the Ashram?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
I did. I did, And I was even scared to
talk to them about it because I didn't want to
feel judged, or you know, you're almost dropping out and
think what are your teachers going to say? Right? And
my teacher said to me when I told him that
I think I should leave, he said to me that
some people go to college and some of them become professors.
(10:13):
And he said some of them leave after their degree
and they become entrepreneurs or they work at a company.
And he said, which one's better, the people who become
professors or the people who leave. And I said neither.
I mean whatever's right for the person. And he said, well,
that's the same here. He said, some people come and
they graduate to become monks, and they stay here for
many years, and some take their training like you did,
(10:36):
and leave and go on to do wonderful things. And
he said, I think you'll be very happy if you're
sharing what you've learned, and so you should do that.
And so there was this really like understanding open view
of no, maybe it's not right for you anymore. It
was right for you then and not anymore, and there's
nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Even in your decision to leave them. They had compassion
for you, which is really beautiful.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Exactly that time was extremely tough for me, and it
wasn't even a happy decision. And it was even more
depressing because when I came back, everyone was like, oh
we told you so, oh you came back. Oh you
failed being a monk. And then you know, I was
applying for jobs and forty companies rejected me without an interview,
(11:19):
and I was thinking, oh god, because.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Your resume had Ashram for three years on it and
nothing else.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, it's like, what are your transferable skills?
Sitting star silent and being still like, no one wants
that in their company, and so it was it was
just almost like maybe everyone was right and maybe I
did just waste three years. Yeah, really really difficult time.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
When you came back to London. You know, like in
a science fiction movie or something, when people are frozen
in those little pods and then they get released after
thousands of years and they're like, what is a cell phone?
Was it like that for you when you came back
to London? Did you not recognize anything around you?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
The hardest part is having to do small when you've
done no small talk for three years, right, You've not
had a conversation about the latest TV show or the
latest movie.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Have you heard about self mastery and they'd be like, what,
that's exactly it. That must have been really awkward as
you started to get back into dating two. What was
that part of it, like, like building a social life
dating again.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I didn't really think about dating overall, as I kind
of I guess I was a bit scared, but I
didn't even think about it that way. But I had
definitely like forgotten how to flirt. But when I started
talking to my now wife, because she was really good
friends with my sister and she'd be over at our
(12:44):
place and I'd be talking to her right, I only
really knew how to have really thoughtful, vulnerable, deep conversations.
I do remember that she was always very inquisitive, and
so that was kind of helpful for me to just
totally be myself. That kind of made it easy for
me to be around her, I guess, because it wasn't
someone that I had to be someone I wasn't around.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
After the break, Jay Shetty goes on a date after
leaving the Ashram and it does not go well. That's next.
(13:43):
So Jay, you've left the Ashram, you're back living in London,
trying to return to a normal life. You're working you're
starting to date, and eventually you go on a date
with Roddy, who is now your wife. Can you read
the part of your essay where you talk about your
first date with her?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Absolutely? The night was going to cost me nearly a
week's income, and I wanted it to be perfect. We
were at Locanda Locatelli, one of the best restaurants in London,
when we slid into a buttery leather booth. I winced.
She was vegan, and vegans aren't known to appreciate leather boots.
(14:24):
But the lights were low, the ambiance beautiful, and I
was still hoping to hear how impressed she was. Do
you think they have anything vegan on the menu, she said,
sounding more worried than excited. They're famous for their fresh pasta,
I said, trying to sound optimistic, but I had signed
(14:44):
us up for a special tasting menu and I didn't
know how much choice she would have. Fresh pasta usually
has eggs, she said, But we'll see. The service is amazing, right,
I said. She smiled politely, but she wasn't eating much.
(15:05):
After dinner. I drove her home and dropped her off
outside her apartment. She thanked me and waived a friendly
goodbye that the evening had fallen flat. Clearly, I had
no idea what I was doing.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Oh I'm feeling for you Jay in this moment. Oh
my gosh, Why do you think it was so easy
for you to slip back into this sort of unmonklike
mode of trying to impress Rody? Like? What is it
about dating someone that made you slip back to the
old way of life?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
I think we're so unaware, and we underestimate how strongly
our conditioning and wiring leads our life. Since I was young,
I saw the dates that movies had in rom coms.
I had done those dates with partners in my teens
and college life, and so you assume that I just
have to keep repeating this cycle until it goes wrong.
(16:05):
And I think we don't realize how many cycles and
how many patterns we live in until we start to
break them. And it was only later that I figured
out that my wife's favorite thing to do. She said
to me, my ideal date would be going to Tesco's
and walking down the bread aisle. Tesco's is England's Whole Foods.
And I think that she was speaking more from a
(16:28):
kind of funny tongue in cheek in terms of, hey,
I'm simple. I just want to walk down an isle
at a grocery store and pick something up to eat.
We don't need to go to a fancy restaurant. And
I thought that that was refreshing and beautiful because it
showed me that she didn't value those things.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
How long did it take you to sort of relax
into yourself with Roddy and what did it take to
do that?
Speaker 1 (16:52):
Well, I think it was. I give the credit to
her because she was so good at not trying to
impress someone back. And I don't know, Radi's just a
special human being. It's just like she's so different and
weird in a good way. I dedicated my first book
to her, and I wrote the dedication to be to
my wife, who's more monk than I'll ever be. I
(17:16):
just think that a lot of the qualities I learned
during my time as a monk, Radi had them quite naturally.
I look for monk qualities in everyone I meet, and
I believe everyone, whether they've been a monk or not,
have them. But the monk life really helps us consciously
train them and build them and develop them as well.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Yeah, I'm struck by when you said that she was,
even though it was a bit of a joke, like
I just want to walk down the bred aisle, that
sort of simple, pure way of connecting does feel very
monk like of her. I mean it sounds like you
were picking up on these sort of monk like qualities
in her even early on.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
I think that as well. But I think another thing
that just came to mind is RADI would always say, Oh,
I want you to come and spend time with my family.
My family's really important to me. Remember when I first
started hanging out at her house, her family would all
often look at it and be like, are you really
gonna wear that when he comes over, because she'd just
be in sweats or whatever, and she'd be like, Yeah,
that is what I'm gonna wear because that's what I
(18:11):
would wear if I was at the house totally. And
so she had this really like honest, vulnerable, open way
of being from the beginning, and I think that was
definitely monk like as well, to just say, yeah, this
is who I am and this is how we'll be.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
And it's part of your practice now to try to
develop or even hone those monk qualities in other people. Correct,
that's your books and your podcast. That's sort of about
sort of training folks who haven't spent years in Ashram
to exhibit these qualities in their own life.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yeah. Yeah, definitely. The literatures that I studied during my
time as a monk really laid out the four stages
of life almost as four classrooms of love. So the
four stages of life are considered you know, life in
solitude or monk life or single life. The second stage
is relationship life or married life. The third stage of
(19:07):
life is almost reflecting and thinking about what you want
to do next. And then the fourth stage of life
is loving the world. And the monks believe that the
most important love story is the love story you have
with anyone and everyone and with the world. I think
so often we've built up this idea in society that
the most important love story is your romantic love story.
(19:31):
So many people either go through life single and think
that they're unworthy of love because they don't have a
romantic partner, or someone loses their romantic partner and then
they feel like they don't have any love in their life,
but the love of a brother, a sister, or a
mother or a father, like all of these loves count like.
We can't say that romantic love is above or below
(19:53):
any of these.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Jay of those four steps, what stage do you think
you're in?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
I would say that I probably have a bit of
a glimpse into all of them.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
Wow, okay, uh huh.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Probably at step two practicing to love my wife and
the people around me. But I have a glimpse into
step three and four because Step three requires a lot
of healing tact love within yourself. And then stage four
is where I want to live every day, which is
I want to love everyone, and I want to share
love with everyone on the planet, and I want to
be able to spread love across the world.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Well, you are on a world tour, so i'd say
you're pretty You're pretty far in your way to step four.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
I guess I think I'm definitely. That's why I meant
That's why I said glimpses, because when I'm with my teachers,
I see how they live in that space, and I
see how I just have a little peak, and that's
good enough to prove to me it's real. And so
I feel grateful that there's more to learn, though I'm
not upset I'm not there. I'm happy that I know
(20:53):
where I have to go. All I'm trying to give
people is I don't want anyone to feel shame or
guilt for how they currently live. I want you to
feel clarity and curiosity about where you still have to go.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
M Jay Sheddy, thank you so much for coming on
the show.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Thank you for having me. So grateful and appreciate your
time and energy.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Modern Love is produced by Julia Botero, Christina Josa, and
Hans Buto. It's edited by Sarah Sarason. Our executive producer
is Jen Poyant. This episode was mixed by Mary and Lozano.
Our show was recorded by Mattie Macielo. The Modern Love
theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music in this
episode by Marion Lozano, Pat McCusker, and Rowan Nina Stow.
(21:47):
Digital production by Mihima Chablani and Nelgael Oakley. Special thanks
to Jay Shetty's team, Nicole Berg and ENnie Ginghold. The
Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Me A
Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects. I'm Anna Martin,
thanks for listening.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
I'm not in this world to live up to your
expectations and you're not in this world to live up
to mine. I just love that quote from Bruce Lee.
And while it can feel really hard to overcome the
limits placed on you by others, I'm here to remind
you their limits don't have to be yours. The next
(22:39):
seven minutes are about your potential and defying expectations. I'm
Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Before we go
any further, let's get centered with three deliberate breaths inhaling
(23:00):
and exhaling, filling your lungs with ease, emptying them with focus,
embracing this moment, and tuning in. Today, I'd like to
(23:24):
introduce you to one of the most exciting runners of
the past twenty years. No, I'm not talking about Usain
Bolt or Alison Felix. I'm talking about Fouger's Singh, the
world's oldest marathoner now. Fougia was not born with the
traditional athletic build In fact, his legs were so skinny
(23:48):
and weak that he couldn't walk at all until age five.
Growing up in a farming village in India, other kids
would tease him. They called him Dunder, which is Njabi
for stick. Eventually, Fouga grew fit and healthy. He got married,
had six children and a farm of his own. It
(24:10):
was a good life, not without its challenges, but one
that was full and fulfilling. Then, in his mid eighties,
Fauja suffered the loss of his middle son, called Deep.
His wife had passed away a few years earlier, and
the rest of his children had long ago left India.
(24:31):
Fauja felt lonely and lost, so he moved to England
to live with some of his remaining family. He started
running with fellow Punjabi expats, and he found that it
helped him cope with his grief. It gave him purpose,
and in fact, he was good at it, really good
(24:52):
for his age. He had stayed in shape with his
lifelong farm work, and when he challenged other seniors would win.
Then one day he saw a marathon on TV. He
didn't know exactly what the race was, but he wanted
to compete. Even though Fouger enjoyed running, it seemed like
(25:15):
a stretch to prepare for a twenty six mile trek,
but Fouger was determined. He found a coach to train him,
and several months later he finished the London Marathon. In
just under seven hours. Since then, he has made global headlines,
running and astonishing eight more marathons. He's also broken several
(25:40):
world records, including being the first one hundred year old
to finish a marathon. Fouga's last competitive race was a
ten k in twenty thirteen, just before he turned one
hundred and two. He's now retired, but he still runs
for fun at the age of one huge hundred and eleven.
(26:02):
All my life, Faugia once said, people set limitations on me.
They said I would never walk, They said I would
never farm. They certainly never thought I would set records
with my running. No matter what people said, I always
believed in myself. I never gave up. Fauga's story is
(26:28):
remarkable because he didn't let the expectations of others determine
his path or slow him down, despite the supposed barriers
in his way. Maybe you can relate to that. Maybe
there's something you want to do but people keep saying
you can't, or you've been teased for something that's supposed
(26:50):
to hold you back, whatever it may be. Don't let
outside opinions prevent you from pursuing your passions or chasing
your dreams. Don't let others define what your life looks like.
Remember those are their limits, not yours. And as our
(27:11):
time today winds down, let's meditate on that. So get
comfortable wherever you are, allowing your body and mind to
relax into the present. See if you can adopt a
(27:32):
compassionate attitude here, embracing yourself and your experience whatever this
practice brings. This is a moment of rest. You don't
(27:53):
have to do anything or be anywhere. And if you
find your mind busy or your body restless, that's okay.
There's nothing you need to do with your thoughts or emotions.
(28:18):
Just observe that they exist and see if you can
gently let them be. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're
feeling right now. Meditation is a beautiful opportunity to just
(28:44):
be aware of your present experience. And now let's open
this up. Bring to mind an interest that you might
like to pursue, but you're hesitant, wondering if time has
(29:05):
passed you by. Can you open yourself up to the
possibility that it's not actually too late. What's one step
you could take toward that interest. I'm looking forward to
(29:29):
seeing what you're going to do next. Thanks for being here. Today,
I'd love you to share this message with someone who
could use it, and I'll see you tomorrow
Host
Jay Shetty
Popular Podcasts
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Decisions, Decisions
Welcome to "Decisions, Decisions," the podcast where boundaries are pushed, and conversations get candid! Join your favorite hosts, Mandii B and WeezyWTF, as they dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often-taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday, Mandii and Weezy invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, they share their personal journeys navigating their 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engaging in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that resonate with your experiences, "Decisions, Decisions" is your go-to source for open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections—tune in and join the conversation!