September 16, 2022 • 33 mins
Today, I’m going to share with you the difference between chemistry and compatibility, why we often mistake having strong chemistry and attraction to our partner as compatibility, and how these two are completely different but related at the same time.
We get to dive into how chemistry and compatibility are both crucial elements to sustain a successful relationship, as well as how we can strengthen our bond by recognizing our differences, having respect for each other at all times, and being able to express our feelings and emotions freely and without judgment.
If you want to pre-order the book, 8 Rules of Love, go to https://8rulesoflove.com/
Key Takeaways:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:31 Chemistry doesn’t work without compatibility
- 14:45 Recognize differences
- 18:55 Awareness of their stance
- 22:08 Respect their approach
- 23:17 Express your feelings without feeling judged
- 26:11 The six areas of compatibility
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm into philosophy. They should love deep intellectual conversations too.
I like reading. They should love reading too. And I'm like,
you're not trying to be with yourself. That's not the
goal of a relationship. If you find that it works,
that's awesome, but you have to realize that those are
not the qualities that make this a healthy relationship. Hey, everyone,
(00:26):
welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
in the world, and thanks to you all, it has
been an incredible couple of weeks. Our guests have been incredible.
You've been listening to these solo episodes on a Friday.
I know so many of you are listening to an
episode every day, and I genuinely hope that that is
(00:48):
massively improving your mental, physical, emotional health. Remember, if you're
listening to on Purpose, it's because you're happy, healthy, and healing. Right,
We're here because we're happy, healthy, and healing. I am happy, healthy,
and healing at all times. And I want to thank
you so much for all the love and energy you
(01:10):
brought to the Kendall Jenner episode that just came out
on Monday. If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend
you go back and listen to it. It's a really
great episode to get a unique perspective, a different angle.
I want to thank you genuinely appreciate you for giving
me that opportunity, for being patient, for listening, and I'm
so glad you turned up today because I really believe
(01:32):
that this episode, what I'm about to share with you
is going to really transform how you think about relationships.
And as you know, I have my new book coming
out next year, eight Rules of Love. Eight Rules of
Love dot com. You can pre order the book. But
some of these ideas are ideas that have thought about
(01:53):
for the past couple of years. I've been working on
them with my coaching clients who are having relationship difficulties
or marriage difficulties, or have gone through a divorce or
a breakup, and I wanted to share these with you
here because otherwise I don't really get to tell you
about all of them. So thank you so much for
turning up, thank you for being here, thank you for
all the reviews that you've been leaving. It's been unbelievable
(02:17):
to see the support that you've been giving the show,
and I genuinely couldn't be more thankful to each and
every one of you. I would love you to leave
a review as well, and it would mean the world
to me. So I'm going to dive in. And today's
theme is all about six ways to know if you're
compatible with someone and four steps to build real connection. Now,
(02:42):
people have talked about this for a long time that
a lot of the time we look for chemistry, but
we forget to look for compatibility. And I think when
we think about a healthy relationship, we think about compatibility
as an idea, but often we confuse it with chemistry.
(03:03):
I'll give an example. I was speaking to someone recently
who's a landscape designer, and he was explaining to me
that some people want to plant trees in certain countries
or cities or towns where it's not favorable for those
(03:24):
trees to grow. So while there's chemistry I an attraction
for that person to that tree or that plant or
that flower, that plant or that tree or that flower
would not flourish in that area. It would actually struggle,
which is a compatibility issue. Now, when I heard that,
(03:47):
I just thought of relationships. I was thinking, how often
is it that you meet someone that you have so
much chemistry with but very little compatibility with? There's an attraction,
there's a spark, there's a genuine interest, but your habits
don't align, your values don't align. You don't have that respect,
you don't have the skills and the tools to deal
(04:10):
with each other's differences. And then at the same time,
you mean the opposite. There's no chemistry, but there's lots
of compatibility, and that doesn't work either. I want us
to recognize the importance of compatibility. I think we understand
chemistry to be the spark, the attraction. But one of
the things I find is that chemistry is like lighting
(04:32):
a match stick. You light a match stick and then
the match stick burns and then it runs out. But
it was giving light and giving heat for as long
as it lasted. But compatibility, it's like lighting a candle.
When you light it, it burns slower, it gives off
a beautiful fragrance and scent. It lasts far longer, and
(04:54):
it's a beautiful experience. The match has that spark, it
has that instant feeling, but it doesn't last as long.
Now I want to talk about what compatibility is, but
I also want to talk about what compatibility isn't because
I think we throw these words around a lot, and
I think these words are rarely really broken down and
(05:17):
made easy to understand. So compatibility does not mean the
same personality. Let me say that again, compatibility does not
mean the same personality. I think we think of people
who are compatible is like, we like the same things.
We like the same food, we like the same movies,
(05:39):
we like to do the same things. I find that
this is a very narrow limited view of what compatibility is.
The challenge is that you could love the same movies
as someone, the same food as someone, the same music
as someone, but you may not have the same relationship
(06:00):
ship abilities, or skills or tools to help things move along.
I'll give an example. I remember dating someone, one of
my exes, who we had this We had a lot
in common, right, We had a lot in common, we
liked doing the same things. Without time, we've really enjoyed
each other's company. Right, personality wise, it was a really
(06:20):
great fit. But what I realized is that we had
massively different expectations and input in a relationship. For example,
every time I asked for a favor where she may
have to go out of her way, she didn't feel
like she wanted to do that ever, And every time
(06:41):
she asked me for a favor, she expected me to
be fully available. Now, even though we liked the same
movies and we like the same music, and we liked
the same food, that didn't change the fact that our
culture and value was different. I'm not saying that she
should have been bending over backwards or working things out.
What I'm saying is that that is far more of
(07:05):
an inherent factor that negatively impacts a positive relationship and
a healthy relationship, as opposed to the fact that we
like the same things. And so I think often people
are dating someone, they're like, well, we're so different. Where
you've heard that before? We're so different, Like, how is
this going to work? And what I've realized is that
(07:26):
the difference isn't what leads to distance. And I'll talk
about that in a second, but I just wanted to
clarify compatibility does not mean the same personality or having
the same interests. A lot of people want their partner
to have the exact interest they do. They're like, well,
I'm an entrepreneur, they should love business too, right, I'm
(07:48):
into philosophy. They should love deep intellectual conversations too. I
like reading. They should love reading too, And I'm like,
you're not trying to be with yourself, right, You're not
trying to date your identical self. That's not the goal
of a relationship. If you find that it works, that's awesome,
But you have to realize that those are not the traits,
(08:11):
those are not the qualities that make this healthy relationship.
I know countless couples who can have the most beautiful
philosophical discussions, but they can't solve the practical issues at home.
I know plenty of couples who can build huge businesses
together and grow huge empires together, but they're not growing
(08:32):
their relationship. They feel uncomfortable within. Right, Just think about
that for a second. That you've got this stark contrast
where it's like, when did a relationship become about entrepreneurship?
When did the relationship become about a business partnership. It's
a different connection. You may not build an empire with
your partner, You may not build a garden with your partner.
(08:54):
You may not have intellectual conversations with your partner, because
that may not be what they provide you with. And
I find that when we don't have our network, our community,
our friends that provides us with some of our likes
and dislikes. We place all that pressure onto our partners. Right,
(09:15):
this always happens. Compatibility does not mean having the same personality.
The second thing is compatibility does not mean it's easy
to get along. We think compatibility means everything's easy, everything
must work, everything just flows. And I would say that
that's more an experience of chemistry, whereas compatibility requires and
(09:37):
I'll talk about this in depth in a second, but
compatibility requires that deeper understanding and knowledge, which often requires discomfort. Right,
Compatibility requires discomfort. Chemistry is comfortable. Compatibility is uncomfortable. Compatibility
takes a moment to get under the roots, to get
(09:58):
into the deepness, the dark, the chaos, to see if
we can build strong foundations. Right, if I want to
put up a little tent, I can put up a
tent anywhere. I don't have to check the foundations. I
don't have to check the roots underneath it, I don't
have to check the soil. I can pretty much put
a tent anywhere I feel like it. But a tent
isn't a permanent residence. A permanent residence, however, if you
(10:21):
want to build that, if you want to build something
long lasting and stable and secure. You got to excavate
the ground. You've got to look at the foundations. You
got to look at trees and the roots under the ground.
You've got to look at the soil quality. You've got
to look at all of these things. And so compatibility
requires discomfort, right, Compatibility requires discomfort, It requires unearthing, it
(10:43):
requires excavating. These are not easy things to do. And
so when people say, well, if you love someone and
if you're compatible with them, it should just flow. That
may be the case initially, but it isn't the case forever.
It can be that way in the beginning, but it
doesn't mean it's going to last that way. So those
(11:06):
are the first two things. And the third thing that
compatibility is not is that compatibility does not require changing
someone else. I was speaking to someone recently and they
were like, well, you know, I think my partner that
I want to be with, I think he needs to
work harder. I think he needs to get a better job.
I think he needs to make more money to make
(11:28):
himself right for me. And I'm like, well, then you
don't love that person. You love their potential. You love
the idea of who they could be, like these are
very different things, and so compatibility you have to be
very careful. Compatibility does not mean changing someone else right.
Compatibility does not mean that if they adapt, if they change,
(11:50):
then we can get along and then things will work out.
So I think people think We often think compatibility is
having the same personality. We often think compatibility is that
it's easy, and we often think that compatibility is that
someone will change. And I would say that all of
those are not compatibility. The reason where those ideas come
(12:12):
from is most of us believe that the way we
were raised was spot on. We believe that the way
we were raised, the way we were brought up, is
the right way to do things. Imagine that what you've
done up until now in your life is like building
a home. You've built a home full of your ideas,
(12:33):
and when you get into a relationship, you want someone
to come and live in your house, like your metaphorical house,
in terms of your mind's house. You're saying, come and
live in my house. And what that means is, come
and live with my ideas, come and live with my ideologies,
come and live with my philosophies, come and live with
my values. And then the other person saying no, no, no,
(12:54):
Come and live in my house, Come and live with
my ideas, come and live with my thoughts, come and
live with my value. And so what we realize in
most relationships is that it's not about having the same likes.
It's that we're trying to get people to live in
the same way. When a relationship is actually about building
a new house together, it's about taking bricks that you
(13:17):
love from your house to build this new house and
leaving some bricks behind because they no longer serve and
support this new home. Notice how different that is from saying, hey,
come live in my house, or my bricks are the
right ones. One of the things that made Radie and
me compatible, I'm giving you an example, is that Radi
(13:37):
and I were both able to forgive and move on
when it came to everyday things. We would potentially have
a disagreement, we would talk about it, we would both sleep,
we'd wake up the next day, and we'd turn a
new page. We both share disability. I've had disability for
a long time, and I've not always been with people
(13:58):
that have had that. I've had relationships where I've talked
about it, I've apologized, I thought everything was fine, and
then the next day and the next day and the
next day and the next week, the person is still
upset about something that we thought was resolved. Now that
doesn't make that person bad and make me good, or
it doesn't make me bad and them good. What it
just means is that we were incompatible because we didn't
(14:20):
have the same style. And I'm not saying the same style,
but we didn't have a similar approach to dealing with challenges,
and that made us harder to be compatible. So here
are the four steps to build real connection as I
walk into the six things to think about when it
comes to compatibility. If you want to be compatible, these
(14:40):
are the four steps you have to take or whether
you want to know you're compatible with someone. So the
first thing to know whether you're compatible with someone is
an acronym called rare R a R. And the reason
why I chose the word rare is because it's rare
to be compatible with someone, right, it's rare to be
compatible with someone. You can have chemistry with a lot
(15:01):
of people. Compatibility is much more unique because chemistry is
that attraction that spark. Potentially, you could feel that every month,
you could feel that every year for someone else. It
could shift quickly, you could move fast. But like we said,
compatibility is stronger and long lasting. So the first R
R R. The first R is recognize differences. If you
(15:23):
want to be compatible with someone, know where you're different.
Often when we meet someone, we look for all the similarities.
That's fine, but we don't look for the differences. Know
where that person is different. So I'll give an example.
I'm timely and organized, rather is more spontaneous. Notice I'm
(15:45):
being also very careful about my language. Often we say
things like I'm organized, they're unorganized, And what we're basically
saying is I'm smarter and better for being organized. That
person is weaker and worse for being unorganized. And realized
this actually it's a different energy. I'm organized, but Radi
is spontaneous, and that's a beautiful positive strength in and
(16:07):
of itself. So recognize differences. So that's one of mine
and Raddy's. Another one of mine and Radis is I
am highly focused, driven by goals, and Radi is driven
by her feelings. She's driven by how she wants to
live or carry herself that day with very different people.
(16:27):
I am more naturally, I consider myself an introvert, but
I can be more extroverted, so I'm more of an ambiver.
Radi is extroverted with people she knows well, but she's
introverted people she doesn't know well. Now I notice all
these differences, right, Radi and I are very different, so
I have to recognize these differences if I want to
(16:49):
create compatibility with someone. If you want to create compatibility
with someone, you don't only need to know the similarities.
You need to notice the differences. If you don't notice
the differences, you don't get an opportunity to develop compatibility.
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The second thing you need to look at after being
(18:57):
recognized in their differences, you need an awareness of their stance.
Why are they that way? Where did that come from?
Where is their ideology? Often we just assume that that's
their weakness or that's their strength. We don't realize where
that came from for them. Right, Where did that come
from for them? How did they create that? How did
(19:20):
they do that for me? Becoming aware of someone's stance
and how they are that way is a really special
aspect of learning and creating compatibility. Compatibility means I know
why I am the way I am, and I know
why my partner is the way they are. So for example,
when I look at my life, I started working when
(19:43):
I was fourteen years old. I've always worked. I've pretty
much been independent for my adult life. But even since fourteen,
I paid for my own phone bill, my degree, I
took a student loan as well, but I paid my
way to life from fourteen, for my car, my car insurance.
These were very normal parts of my life. Now, I
(20:05):
know other people who didn't start working till they graduate
from college at twenty one. I know people who started
working before me because they dropped out of school. So
what I'm saying is that learning that. So now when
I look at my life today and I love working,
I love my purpose, I love creating, I love doing
all of this, it comes from that conditioning and I'm
happy with that conditioning. So if today Radie saw me
(20:30):
and said, why are you so committed to work? Why
are you so committed to your purpose? Why are you
so dedicated to that? It would create a challenge because
she's not understanding where it comes from. For me. I
also she knows this, and this is why Raley supports
me so much and I'm so grateful for it is
she knows that the work I'm doing comes from such
(20:50):
a deep place of gratitude. I've been saying this frequently
when I get stopped or a bump into some of you,
or I meet someone in the street to run an
event or whatever it may be, and people always say,
like you know, does it get you frustrating sometimes that
you're stopping and I say, well, I remember doing this
when no one turned up. I remember doing this when
(21:11):
five people showed up. So now that I live in
a world where I'm so grateful to have millions and
billions of you that are connected with my work, I
don't take that for granted now because Rady understands the
ideology and I understand that myself, so I can express
it to her. When she's aware of that. It makes
us more compatible because she understands why I make the
(21:32):
choices I'm making. Compatibility requires that you have an awareness
of why someone makes the choices they're making. And so
often we have no idea why our partner does what
they do, or we have no idea why someone new
does what they do because we've never asked them and
maybe they've not thought about it. That I promise you
(21:54):
if you ask them, they will think about it. And
if they don't think about it, then you'll say, well,
if someone doesn't think about my questions, are we compatible? Right?
The third steps are a recognize differences, awareness of their stance,
or awareness of their why. The third is respect their
approach Compatibility means you can respect their approach. Now, I'm
(22:16):
not forcing you to respect their approach. I'll give an example.
If I met someone who if I recognize the differences.
So let's say their difference was they were rude or
dismissive of family. The reason they were that way is
because their family treated them badly. Could I respect that
(22:37):
approach to be in a deep relationship with this person, No,
unless that person was aware of it and trying to change.
So I'm not forcing you to respect someone's approach, but
I'm saying that that's what compatibility is. Compatibility isn't how
can I redesign and redefine this person? It's about how
can I respect them? How can I respect that they
have chosen to be that way, They're happy to be
(22:58):
that way, They're good being that way, and they don't
need to become someone else in order for me to
love them. And chemistry often leads us to not only
believe someone can be whatever we want them to be,
but chemistry also makes us believe that they should become
in order to be worthy of our love. And the
e in rare is express your feelings without feeling judged.
(23:26):
Compatibility is a space where you can express your feelings
without feeling judged. Now, this takes time. This takes time
to build. It is not easy to build. It's not
quick to build. It's something that we have to educate.
And what I find is we often walk into relationships
and we expect people to have these skills. Recognizing differences
is a skill. Being aware of someone's why takes time
(23:48):
and is a skill. Respecting someone's approach is time and skill.
Expressing your feelings without feeling judged is time and skill.
For example, when I first met RADI definitely we both
judge each other. We fully judged each other when we
expressed ourselves, we didn't respect each other's approach. And slowly
through time, I was guiding the relationship and saying, look,
(24:12):
this is our viewpoints. Can you respect mine if I
respect you? As that was the language, The language wasn't
a demand. The language was a direction. Right, Often we
demand and say love me, like me, respect me, value me,
whereas a healthy relationship is when we can say, do
we want to walk in this direction together? Are you
(24:33):
able to recognize my differences? Are you able to be
aware of how I think and why I think that way?
Are you able to respect that and are you able
to let me express myself without feeling judge? Can we
do this daily? Can we get better at it? Can
we move in that direction together? That's the question you
want to ask In a relationship. We often ask do
(24:55):
you want to be with me? It's a decision question.
The real question is are we willing to do the
work to be together. It's a direction question. Move away
from a decision question to a direction question. We get
so lost in that rhetoric of are we right for
each other? The question is do we want to make
(25:17):
it right for each other? Do we want to be
right for each other. It's not like there's two pieces
that just fit. It's about finding two pieces that are
made to fit right. It's not that there's a piece
out there that's the perfect puzzle piece that just slots
in with you. I think we think of that's that
chemistry thinking right, that's that chemistry, thinking that there's a
(25:40):
piece out there that just fits with you, and compatibility
thinking is going, well, I'm going to actually find two
pieces and there's going to be a bit of molding,
there's going to be a bit of shifting, there's going
to be a bit of understanding. But finally it's going
to fit right, and it may not even fit perfectly,
and that's okay. I think that's the other part where
it's like it's going to be a perfect fit. There
is no perfect fit. So rare remember that recognize differences,
(26:04):
awareness of their why, respect their approach, and learn to
express your feelings without being judged. Now, I want to
share these six areas of compatibility and some of the
challenges that come up with this. And this is from
the Vedic understanding of what is known as the six opulences.
These are considered the six things that we all pursue
(26:25):
in life, or the six things that people take very seriously,
and each of these creates a challenge or a depth
of complexity. So these six let's go through them one
by one. The first one is wealth financial compatibility. Wealth
compatibility right to have wealth compatibility. It does not mean
(26:48):
you have the same views about money or the same
views about finances. And I'll give you an example. Me
and Rady grew up in different homes. We grew up
with different backgrounds, We grew up with different socioeconomic backgrounds,
and in my home, there were certain things that were
prioritized when money was always spent. Money was always spent
(27:10):
abundantly on food. Same with Radi. My parents always believe,
never sacrifice your health. Same with Radi. Now as I've
grown older, some of my values of change where I
think there are other areas of health that that includes.
Now my wife doesn't have to agree with that, she
doesn't have to be aligned with that, but she has
to be okay with me wanting to invest in that.
(27:32):
There has to be a sense of support and understanding
of other people. So when you're thinking about financial compatibility,
the question isn't do we agree on how we spend
our money. It's do we understand why each of us
thinks about money in this way and what is the
solution we want to create together for our relationship. We
have to realize that we are now creating together. The
(27:56):
next one is beauty. There needs to be a healthy
attraction to the person you're with. Of course, attraction is
a part of compatibility physical compatibility, but there has to
also be a healthy attraction to oneself. Otherwise you feel
your partners out of your league and that creates incompatibility.
So physical incompatibility isn't that someone's better looking than the
(28:18):
other person or someone gets more attention. It's if you're together,
how do you feel about yourself? If you feel insecure
about yourself, you will create incompatibility in that relationship. Right.
I know someone who she feels that the guy she's
with is so out of her league that she's always
(28:40):
saying that to him. Which, what do you think that does?
It makes them physically incompatible because he's constantly reminded of that.
He keeps having to remind it that he's not and
that he is attracted to and that she's beautiful and
all the rest of it. But that it doesn't end
up working because the insecurity creats incompatibility. The third air
compatibility is power. Now, power dynamics and a relationship are interesting,
(29:06):
and knowing what your partner is good at and letting
them lead is how you disseminate power in a relationship.
So do we have a power compatibility? Often what happens
in power compatibility is the loudest, most extraversted, strongest partner
takes over and dominates a relationship. A healthy power to
dynamic in a relationship is knowing which partner is good
(29:29):
at what and letting them lead on those areas. Now,
I've got three more areas of compatibility I want to
discuss with you. Fame, compatibility in public perception. This is
so much more interesting today in the world of social media,
because our relationship compatibility is constantly being questioned and looked
(29:50):
at by our friends, our family, and other people. A
relationship becomes more compatible when in public give each other
the spotlight, and in private we genuinely appreciate but give
each other growth feedback. So what often happens in relationships
(30:12):
is people will criticize or joke or potentially even be
condescending about their partner in public, but in private, but
I always tell you how much I like you. But
that makes someone feel uncomfortable. Now, I'm not also saying
putting your partner on stage and making them give a speech,
because they may not be comfortable with that. But understanding
whether you're compatible by how you behave How does your
(30:32):
partner want to be appreciated, How does your partner want
to be acknowledged? That is a really important part of compatibility. Now,
this one's an interesting one. Renunciation is considered an opulence.
People who are detached monks have high renunciation and this
renunciation compatibility in a relationship is letting your partner grow
(30:54):
at their own pace, right, not forcing them to grow.
That's compatibility. Compare abilities, encouragement, support, guidance, love, affection, but
not force. That's what creates compatibility, and finally, knowledge compatibility.
We're compatible with someone if we're trying to learn new
things with each other, so we're compatible financially if we
(31:16):
simply learn to understand and create a new plan together,
not forcing our own plan on the other person. We're
compatible physically if we're not insecure about our own self
and we focus on that to create a healthy relationship
with someone. We will be compatible in power and influence
if we learn our strengths and weaknesses and let our
(31:38):
partner leads sometimes and we lead sometimes. Will be compatible
in fame and external places and people when we learn
how our partner wants to receive appreciation. Will be compatible
in renunciation. When we're detached from our partner's path, we
realize their path is different to ours, and we're compatible
(32:01):
in knowledge in mind when we think about learning new
things together or learning separately and sharing our learnings. I
really hope there's shifts and transforms the way you think
about compatibility, and I am so grateful that I have
to focus on creating these new episodes for you every week,
(32:22):
because this is one of those ones that's really made
a big shift in my mind. I hope that you
take away some of those try and put into practice.
And I couldn't be more thankful for your ears, your time,
your presence, and I promise you on purpose is just
getting better and better. We're only just getting started. There
are so many wonderful, wonderful things happening in our space
(32:44):
and I'm so so pumped. Thank you so much for
listening today, Thank you for all the birthday wishes. I
am so so grateful, and I can't wait to see
you when I come on to our next year. I
cannot wait. And if you haven't already ordered Eight Rules
for Love, please pre order the book because it's going
to be a game changer. Thank you so much. I'll
see soon. H
I'm into philosophy. They should love deep intellectual conversations too.
I like reading. They should love reading too. And I'm like,
you're not trying to be with yourself. That's not the
goal of a relationship. If you find that it works,
that's awesome, but you have to realize that those are
not the qualities that make this a healthy relationship. Hey, everyone,
(00:26):
welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast
in the world, and thanks to you all, it has
been an incredible couple of weeks. Our guests have been incredible.
You've been listening to these solo episodes on a Friday.
I know so many of you are listening to an
episode every day, and I genuinely hope that that is
(00:48):
massively improving your mental, physical, emotional health. Remember, if you're
listening to on Purpose, it's because you're happy, healthy, and healing. Right,
We're here because we're happy, healthy, and healing. I am happy, healthy,
and healing at all times. And I want to thank
you so much for all the love and energy you
(01:10):
brought to the Kendall Jenner episode that just came out
on Monday. If you haven't heard it, I highly recommend
you go back and listen to it. It's a really
great episode to get a unique perspective, a different angle.
I want to thank you genuinely appreciate you for giving
me that opportunity, for being patient, for listening, and I'm
so glad you turned up today because I really believe
(01:32):
that this episode, what I'm about to share with you
is going to really transform how you think about relationships.
And as you know, I have my new book coming
out next year, eight Rules of Love. Eight Rules of
Love dot com. You can pre order the book. But
some of these ideas are ideas that have thought about
(01:53):
for the past couple of years. I've been working on
them with my coaching clients who are having relationship difficulties
or marriage difficulties, or have gone through a divorce or
a breakup, and I wanted to share these with you
here because otherwise I don't really get to tell you
about all of them. So thank you so much for
turning up, thank you for being here, thank you for
all the reviews that you've been leaving. It's been unbelievable
(02:17):
to see the support that you've been giving the show,
and I genuinely couldn't be more thankful to each and
every one of you. I would love you to leave
a review as well, and it would mean the world
to me. So I'm going to dive in. And today's
theme is all about six ways to know if you're
compatible with someone and four steps to build real connection. Now,
(02:42):
people have talked about this for a long time that
a lot of the time we look for chemistry, but
we forget to look for compatibility. And I think when
we think about a healthy relationship, we think about compatibility
as an idea, but often we confuse it with chemistry.
(03:03):
I'll give an example. I was speaking to someone recently
who's a landscape designer, and he was explaining to me
that some people want to plant trees in certain countries
or cities or towns where it's not favorable for those
(03:24):
trees to grow. So while there's chemistry I an attraction
for that person to that tree or that plant or
that flower, that plant or that tree or that flower
would not flourish in that area. It would actually struggle,
which is a compatibility issue. Now, when I heard that,
(03:47):
I just thought of relationships. I was thinking, how often
is it that you meet someone that you have so
much chemistry with but very little compatibility with? There's an attraction,
there's a spark, there's a genuine interest, but your habits
don't align, your values don't align. You don't have that respect,
you don't have the skills and the tools to deal
(04:10):
with each other's differences. And then at the same time,
you mean the opposite. There's no chemistry, but there's lots
of compatibility, and that doesn't work either. I want us
to recognize the importance of compatibility. I think we understand
chemistry to be the spark, the attraction. But one of
the things I find is that chemistry is like lighting
(04:32):
a match stick. You light a match stick and then
the match stick burns and then it runs out. But
it was giving light and giving heat for as long
as it lasted. But compatibility, it's like lighting a candle.
When you light it, it burns slower, it gives off
a beautiful fragrance and scent. It lasts far longer, and
(04:54):
it's a beautiful experience. The match has that spark, it
has that instant feeling, but it doesn't last as long.
Now I want to talk about what compatibility is, but
I also want to talk about what compatibility isn't because
I think we throw these words around a lot, and
I think these words are rarely really broken down and
(05:17):
made easy to understand. So compatibility does not mean the
same personality. Let me say that again, compatibility does not
mean the same personality. I think we think of people
who are compatible is like, we like the same things.
We like the same food, we like the same movies,
(05:39):
we like to do the same things. I find that
this is a very narrow limited view of what compatibility is.
The challenge is that you could love the same movies
as someone, the same food as someone, the same music
as someone, but you may not have the same relationship
(06:00):
ship abilities, or skills or tools to help things move along.
I'll give an example. I remember dating someone, one of
my exes, who we had this We had a lot
in common, right, We had a lot in common, we
liked doing the same things. Without time, we've really enjoyed
each other's company. Right, personality wise, it was a really
(06:20):
great fit. But what I realized is that we had
massively different expectations and input in a relationship. For example,
every time I asked for a favor where she may
have to go out of her way, she didn't feel
like she wanted to do that ever, And every time
(06:41):
she asked me for a favor, she expected me to
be fully available. Now, even though we liked the same
movies and we like the same music, and we liked
the same food, that didn't change the fact that our
culture and value was different. I'm not saying that she
should have been bending over backwards or working things out.
What I'm saying is that that is far more of
(07:05):
an inherent factor that negatively impacts a positive relationship and
a healthy relationship, as opposed to the fact that we
like the same things. And so I think often people
are dating someone, they're like, well, we're so different. Where
you've heard that before? We're so different, Like, how is
this going to work? And what I've realized is that
(07:26):
the difference isn't what leads to distance. And I'll talk
about that in a second, but I just wanted to
clarify compatibility does not mean the same personality or having
the same interests. A lot of people want their partner
to have the exact interest they do. They're like, well,
I'm an entrepreneur, they should love business too, right, I'm
(07:48):
into philosophy. They should love deep intellectual conversations too. I
like reading. They should love reading too, And I'm like,
you're not trying to be with yourself, right, You're not
trying to date your identical self. That's not the goal
of a relationship. If you find that it works, that's awesome,
But you have to realize that those are not the traits,
(08:11):
those are not the qualities that make this healthy relationship.
I know countless couples who can have the most beautiful
philosophical discussions, but they can't solve the practical issues at home.
I know plenty of couples who can build huge businesses
together and grow huge empires together, but they're not growing
(08:32):
their relationship. They feel uncomfortable within. Right, Just think about
that for a second. That you've got this stark contrast
where it's like, when did a relationship become about entrepreneurship?
When did the relationship become about a business partnership. It's
a different connection. You may not build an empire with
your partner, You may not build a garden with your partner.
(08:54):
You may not have intellectual conversations with your partner, because
that may not be what they provide you with. And
I find that when we don't have our network, our community,
our friends that provides us with some of our likes
and dislikes. We place all that pressure onto our partners. Right,
(09:15):
this always happens. Compatibility does not mean having the same personality.
The second thing is compatibility does not mean it's easy
to get along. We think compatibility means everything's easy, everything
must work, everything just flows. And I would say that
that's more an experience of chemistry, whereas compatibility requires and
(09:37):
I'll talk about this in depth in a second, but
compatibility requires that deeper understanding and knowledge, which often requires discomfort. Right,
Compatibility requires discomfort. Chemistry is comfortable. Compatibility is uncomfortable. Compatibility
takes a moment to get under the roots, to get
(09:58):
into the deepness, the dark, the chaos, to see if
we can build strong foundations. Right, if I want to
put up a little tent, I can put up a
tent anywhere. I don't have to check the foundations. I
don't have to check the roots underneath it, I don't
have to check the soil. I can pretty much put
a tent anywhere I feel like it. But a tent
isn't a permanent residence. A permanent residence, however, if you
(10:21):
want to build that, if you want to build something
long lasting and stable and secure. You got to excavate
the ground. You've got to look at the foundations. You
got to look at trees and the roots under the ground.
You've got to look at the soil quality. You've got
to look at all of these things. And so compatibility
requires discomfort, right, Compatibility requires discomfort, It requires unearthing, it
(10:43):
requires excavating. These are not easy things to do. And
so when people say, well, if you love someone and
if you're compatible with them, it should just flow. That
may be the case initially, but it isn't the case forever.
It can be that way in the beginning, but it
doesn't mean it's going to last that way. So those
(11:06):
are the first two things. And the third thing that
compatibility is not is that compatibility does not require changing
someone else. I was speaking to someone recently and they
were like, well, you know, I think my partner that
I want to be with, I think he needs to
work harder. I think he needs to get a better job.
I think he needs to make more money to make
(11:28):
himself right for me. And I'm like, well, then you
don't love that person. You love their potential. You love
the idea of who they could be, like these are
very different things, and so compatibility you have to be
very careful. Compatibility does not mean changing someone else right.
Compatibility does not mean that if they adapt, if they change,
(11:50):
then we can get along and then things will work out.
So I think people think We often think compatibility is
having the same personality. We often think compatibility is that
it's easy, and we often think that compatibility is that
someone will change. And I would say that all of
those are not compatibility. The reason where those ideas come
(12:12):
from is most of us believe that the way we
were raised was spot on. We believe that the way
we were raised, the way we were brought up, is
the right way to do things. Imagine that what you've
done up until now in your life is like building
a home. You've built a home full of your ideas,
(12:33):
and when you get into a relationship, you want someone
to come and live in your house, like your metaphorical house,
in terms of your mind's house. You're saying, come and
live in my house. And what that means is, come
and live with my ideas, come and live with my ideologies,
come and live with my philosophies, come and live with
my values. And then the other person saying no, no, no,
(12:54):
Come and live in my house, Come and live with
my ideas, come and live with my thoughts, come and
live with my value. And so what we realize in
most relationships is that it's not about having the same likes.
It's that we're trying to get people to live in
the same way. When a relationship is actually about building
a new house together, it's about taking bricks that you
(13:17):
love from your house to build this new house and
leaving some bricks behind because they no longer serve and
support this new home. Notice how different that is from saying, hey,
come live in my house, or my bricks are the
right ones. One of the things that made Radie and
me compatible, I'm giving you an example, is that Radi
(13:37):
and I were both able to forgive and move on
when it came to everyday things. We would potentially have
a disagreement, we would talk about it, we would both sleep,
we'd wake up the next day, and we'd turn a
new page. We both share disability. I've had disability for
a long time, and I've not always been with people
(13:58):
that have had that. I've had relationships where I've talked
about it, I've apologized, I thought everything was fine, and
then the next day and the next day and the
next day and the next week, the person is still
upset about something that we thought was resolved. Now that
doesn't make that person bad and make me good, or
it doesn't make me bad and them good. What it
just means is that we were incompatible because we didn't
(14:20):
have the same style. And I'm not saying the same style,
but we didn't have a similar approach to dealing with challenges,
and that made us harder to be compatible. So here
are the four steps to build real connection as I
walk into the six things to think about when it
comes to compatibility. If you want to be compatible, these
(14:40):
are the four steps you have to take or whether
you want to know you're compatible with someone. So the
first thing to know whether you're compatible with someone is
an acronym called rare R a R. And the reason
why I chose the word rare is because it's rare
to be compatible with someone, right, it's rare to be
compatible with someone. You can have chemistry with a lot
(15:01):
of people. Compatibility is much more unique because chemistry is
that attraction that spark. Potentially, you could feel that every month,
you could feel that every year for someone else. It
could shift quickly, you could move fast. But like we said,
compatibility is stronger and long lasting. So the first R
R R. The first R is recognize differences. If you
(15:23):
want to be compatible with someone, know where you're different.
Often when we meet someone, we look for all the similarities.
That's fine, but we don't look for the differences. Know
where that person is different. So I'll give an example.
I'm timely and organized, rather is more spontaneous. Notice I'm
(15:45):
being also very careful about my language. Often we say
things like I'm organized, they're unorganized, And what we're basically
saying is I'm smarter and better for being organized. That
person is weaker and worse for being unorganized. And realized
this actually it's a different energy. I'm organized, but Radi
is spontaneous, and that's a beautiful positive strength in and
(16:07):
of itself. So recognize differences. So that's one of mine
and Raddy's. Another one of mine and Radis is I
am highly focused, driven by goals, and Radi is driven
by her feelings. She's driven by how she wants to
live or carry herself that day with very different people.
(16:27):
I am more naturally, I consider myself an introvert, but
I can be more extroverted, so I'm more of an ambiver.
Radi is extroverted with people she knows well, but she's
introverted people she doesn't know well. Now I notice all
these differences, right, Radi and I are very different, so
I have to recognize these differences if I want to
(16:49):
create compatibility with someone. If you want to create compatibility
with someone, you don't only need to know the similarities.
You need to notice the differences. If you don't notice
the differences, you don't get an opportunity to develop compatibility.
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(17:11):
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(17:33):
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(17:55):
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(18:16):
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The second thing you need to look at after being
(18:57):
recognized in their differences, you need an awareness of their stance.
Why are they that way? Where did that come from?
Where is their ideology? Often we just assume that that's
their weakness or that's their strength. We don't realize where
that came from for them. Right, Where did that come
from for them? How did they create that? How did
(19:20):
they do that for me? Becoming aware of someone's stance
and how they are that way is a really special
aspect of learning and creating compatibility. Compatibility means I know
why I am the way I am, and I know
why my partner is the way they are. So for example,
when I look at my life, I started working when
(19:43):
I was fourteen years old. I've always worked. I've pretty
much been independent for my adult life. But even since fourteen,
I paid for my own phone bill, my degree, I
took a student loan as well, but I paid my
way to life from fourteen, for my car, my car insurance.
These were very normal parts of my life. Now, I
(20:05):
know other people who didn't start working till they graduate
from college at twenty one. I know people who started
working before me because they dropped out of school. So
what I'm saying is that learning that. So now when
I look at my life today and I love working,
I love my purpose, I love creating, I love doing
all of this, it comes from that conditioning and I'm
happy with that conditioning. So if today Radie saw me
(20:30):
and said, why are you so committed to work? Why
are you so committed to your purpose? Why are you
so dedicated to that? It would create a challenge because
she's not understanding where it comes from. For me. I
also she knows this, and this is why Raley supports
me so much and I'm so grateful for it is
she knows that the work I'm doing comes from such
(20:50):
a deep place of gratitude. I've been saying this frequently
when I get stopped or a bump into some of you,
or I meet someone in the street to run an
event or whatever it may be, and people always say,
like you know, does it get you frustrating sometimes that
you're stopping and I say, well, I remember doing this
when no one turned up. I remember doing this when
(21:11):
five people showed up. So now that I live in
a world where I'm so grateful to have millions and
billions of you that are connected with my work, I
don't take that for granted now because Rady understands the
ideology and I understand that myself, so I can express
it to her. When she's aware of that. It makes
us more compatible because she understands why I make the
(21:32):
choices I'm making. Compatibility requires that you have an awareness
of why someone makes the choices they're making. And so
often we have no idea why our partner does what
they do, or we have no idea why someone new
does what they do because we've never asked them and
maybe they've not thought about it. That I promise you
(21:54):
if you ask them, they will think about it. And
if they don't think about it, then you'll say, well,
if someone doesn't think about my questions, are we compatible? Right?
The third steps are a recognize differences, awareness of their stance,
or awareness of their why. The third is respect their
approach Compatibility means you can respect their approach. Now, I'm
(22:16):
not forcing you to respect their approach. I'll give an example.
If I met someone who if I recognize the differences.
So let's say their difference was they were rude or
dismissive of family. The reason they were that way is
because their family treated them badly. Could I respect that
(22:37):
approach to be in a deep relationship with this person, No,
unless that person was aware of it and trying to change.
So I'm not forcing you to respect someone's approach, but
I'm saying that that's what compatibility is. Compatibility isn't how
can I redesign and redefine this person? It's about how
can I respect them? How can I respect that they
have chosen to be that way, They're happy to be
(22:58):
that way, They're good being that way, and they don't
need to become someone else in order for me to
love them. And chemistry often leads us to not only
believe someone can be whatever we want them to be,
but chemistry also makes us believe that they should become
in order to be worthy of our love. And the
e in rare is express your feelings without feeling judged.
(23:26):
Compatibility is a space where you can express your feelings
without feeling judged. Now, this takes time. This takes time
to build. It is not easy to build. It's not
quick to build. It's something that we have to educate.
And what I find is we often walk into relationships
and we expect people to have these skills. Recognizing differences
is a skill. Being aware of someone's why takes time
(23:48):
and is a skill. Respecting someone's approach is time and skill.
Expressing your feelings without feeling judged is time and skill.
For example, when I first met RADI definitely we both
judge each other. We fully judged each other when we
expressed ourselves, we didn't respect each other's approach. And slowly
through time, I was guiding the relationship and saying, look,
(24:12):
this is our viewpoints. Can you respect mine if I
respect you? As that was the language, The language wasn't
a demand. The language was a direction. Right, Often we
demand and say love me, like me, respect me, value me,
whereas a healthy relationship is when we can say, do
we want to walk in this direction together? Are you
(24:33):
able to recognize my differences? Are you able to be
aware of how I think and why I think that way?
Are you able to respect that and are you able
to let me express myself without feeling judge? Can we
do this daily? Can we get better at it? Can
we move in that direction together? That's the question you
want to ask In a relationship. We often ask do
(24:55):
you want to be with me? It's a decision question.
The real question is are we willing to do the
work to be together. It's a direction question. Move away
from a decision question to a direction question. We get
so lost in that rhetoric of are we right for
each other? The question is do we want to make
(25:17):
it right for each other? Do we want to be
right for each other. It's not like there's two pieces
that just fit. It's about finding two pieces that are
made to fit right. It's not that there's a piece
out there that's the perfect puzzle piece that just slots
in with you. I think we think of that's that
chemistry thinking right, that's that chemistry, thinking that there's a
(25:40):
piece out there that just fits with you, and compatibility
thinking is going, well, I'm going to actually find two
pieces and there's going to be a bit of molding,
there's going to be a bit of shifting, there's going
to be a bit of understanding. But finally it's going
to fit right, and it may not even fit perfectly,
and that's okay. I think that's the other part where
it's like it's going to be a perfect fit. There
is no perfect fit. So rare remember that recognize differences,
(26:04):
awareness of their why, respect their approach, and learn to
express your feelings without being judged. Now, I want to
share these six areas of compatibility and some of the
challenges that come up with this. And this is from
the Vedic understanding of what is known as the six opulences.
These are considered the six things that we all pursue
(26:25):
in life, or the six things that people take very seriously,
and each of these creates a challenge or a depth
of complexity. So these six let's go through them one
by one. The first one is wealth financial compatibility. Wealth
compatibility right to have wealth compatibility. It does not mean
(26:48):
you have the same views about money or the same
views about finances. And I'll give you an example. Me
and Rady grew up in different homes. We grew up
with different backgrounds, We grew up with different socioeconomic backgrounds,
and in my home, there were certain things that were
prioritized when money was always spent. Money was always spent
(27:10):
abundantly on food. Same with Radi. My parents always believe,
never sacrifice your health. Same with Radi. Now as I've
grown older, some of my values of change where I
think there are other areas of health that that includes.
Now my wife doesn't have to agree with that, she
doesn't have to be aligned with that, but she has
to be okay with me wanting to invest in that.
(27:32):
There has to be a sense of support and understanding
of other people. So when you're thinking about financial compatibility,
the question isn't do we agree on how we spend
our money. It's do we understand why each of us
thinks about money in this way and what is the
solution we want to create together for our relationship. We
have to realize that we are now creating together. The
(27:56):
next one is beauty. There needs to be a healthy
attraction to the person you're with. Of course, attraction is
a part of compatibility physical compatibility, but there has to
also be a healthy attraction to oneself. Otherwise you feel
your partners out of your league and that creates incompatibility.
So physical incompatibility isn't that someone's better looking than the
(28:18):
other person or someone gets more attention. It's if you're together,
how do you feel about yourself? If you feel insecure
about yourself, you will create incompatibility in that relationship. Right.
I know someone who she feels that the guy she's
with is so out of her league that she's always
(28:40):
saying that to him. Which, what do you think that does?
It makes them physically incompatible because he's constantly reminded of that.
He keeps having to remind it that he's not and
that he is attracted to and that she's beautiful and
all the rest of it. But that it doesn't end
up working because the insecurity creats incompatibility. The third air
compatibility is power. Now, power dynamics and a relationship are interesting,
(29:06):
and knowing what your partner is good at and letting
them lead is how you disseminate power in a relationship.
So do we have a power compatibility? Often what happens
in power compatibility is the loudest, most extraversted, strongest partner
takes over and dominates a relationship. A healthy power to
dynamic in a relationship is knowing which partner is good
(29:29):
at what and letting them lead on those areas. Now,
I've got three more areas of compatibility I want to
discuss with you. Fame, compatibility in public perception. This is
so much more interesting today in the world of social media,
because our relationship compatibility is constantly being questioned and looked
(29:50):
at by our friends, our family, and other people. A
relationship becomes more compatible when in public give each other
the spotlight, and in private we genuinely appreciate but give
each other growth feedback. So what often happens in relationships
(30:12):
is people will criticize or joke or potentially even be
condescending about their partner in public, but in private, but
I always tell you how much I like you. But
that makes someone feel uncomfortable. Now, I'm not also saying
putting your partner on stage and making them give a speech,
because they may not be comfortable with that. But understanding
whether you're compatible by how you behave How does your
(30:32):
partner want to be appreciated, How does your partner want
to be acknowledged? That is a really important part of compatibility. Now,
this one's an interesting one. Renunciation is considered an opulence.
People who are detached monks have high renunciation and this
renunciation compatibility in a relationship is letting your partner grow
(30:54):
at their own pace, right, not forcing them to grow.
That's compatibility. Compare abilities, encouragement, support, guidance, love, affection, but
not force. That's what creates compatibility, and finally, knowledge compatibility.
We're compatible with someone if we're trying to learn new
things with each other, so we're compatible financially if we
(31:16):
simply learn to understand and create a new plan together,
not forcing our own plan on the other person. We're
compatible physically if we're not insecure about our own self
and we focus on that to create a healthy relationship
with someone. We will be compatible in power and influence
if we learn our strengths and weaknesses and let our
(31:38):
partner leads sometimes and we lead sometimes. Will be compatible
in fame and external places and people when we learn
how our partner wants to receive appreciation. Will be compatible
in renunciation. When we're detached from our partner's path, we
realize their path is different to ours, and we're compatible
(32:01):
in knowledge in mind when we think about learning new
things together or learning separately and sharing our learnings. I
really hope there's shifts and transforms the way you think
about compatibility, and I am so grateful that I have
to focus on creating these new episodes for you every week,
(32:22):
because this is one of those ones that's really made
a big shift in my mind. I hope that you
take away some of those try and put into practice.
And I couldn't be more thankful for your ears, your time,
your presence, and I promise you on purpose is just
getting better and better. We're only just getting started. There
are so many wonderful, wonderful things happening in our space
(32:44):
and I'm so so pumped. Thank you so much for
listening today, Thank you for all the birthday wishes. I
am so so grateful, and I can't wait to see
you when I come on to our next year. I
cannot wait. And if you haven't already ordered Eight Rules
for Love, please pre order the book because it's going
to be a game changer. Thank you so much. I'll
see soon. H
Host
Jay Shetty
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