August 12, 2022 • 24 mins
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Being in a relationship is a work in progress. Fully committing to that relationship is hard work. There are no shortcuts, no hacks. There is no one pattern that works for everyone. It’s a handful, and both must be fully invested to make it work.
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares relationship questions that will make you think, rethink, and contemplate whether you’re doing enough to nurture your relationship.
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
Key Takeaways:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:58 7 questions to ask to help improve relationships
- 05:17 Question #1: What am I doing right that I should do more of?
- 09:17 Question #2: What should I do less of?
- 12:39 Question #3: What do I do that makes you confident?
- 14:23 Question #4: What do I do that makes you anxious?
- 17:47 Question #5: What is your love language?
- 20:40 Question #6: What’s your fight style?
- 22:09 Question #7: Is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You can still make someone feel anxious even if you
love them, if you don't know how your actions and
words impact them. If you are not aware of how
your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel,
it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can
still feel anxious and uncomfortable. Hey, everyone, welcome back to
(00:29):
you On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Thanks to each and every single one of you who
are just so dedicated and so committed to your growth.
It is unbelievable. If you're listening right now, I want
you to take a moment to just smile at yourself,
with yourself, to congratulate yourself for showing up, for turning up.
(00:52):
We're so hard on ourselves. But remember every time you're
committing to on Purpose, every time you're committing to your workouts,
every time you're commit to any form of personal growth,
whether you're reading, listening, learning, jumping, whatever you're up to walking, congratulations,
take a moment to really acknowledge yourself, to recognize yourself.
(01:12):
And I want to take a moment to recognize all
of you because you've all been listening every single day.
I know so many of you are listening to multiple
episodes per week, and we're seeing that in the reviews,
in the stats. It is unbelievable. And I could not
thank you more honestly for your support on purpose and
(01:33):
the next few months are exceptionally important, and I couldn't
thank you more. And I am so excited because the
guests that we have coming over the next few months
until the end of this year are just unbelievable. Unbelievable.
You have no idea what's coming your way, and I
can't tell you because I'm excited for you. Just keep
(01:54):
a lookout, make sure that you've subscribed to the podcast
on the app that you're listening on. Make sure that
turned notifications on my Instagram for j Y and JTI podcast.
I just don't want you to miss out. So today
this episode is a really special one as well, because
I really wanted to address our relationships. Now. We always
(02:15):
hear that our relationships are important. We know that, but
often it's really hard. How many times do you sit
at dinner with someone you love and you struggle to
have a meaningful conversation and you spend your time on
your phone, maybe in the car on the way back
in the evening, you wish you had more deeper connection.
Or how many of you turn on a show because
(02:37):
it's it's an easier way to spend time together than
starting an actual discussion. How many of you don't know
what to talk about? How many of you run out
of topics, maybe you run out of conversation ideas, especially
if you've been together for a while now, whether you're
talking about a business relationship, a romantic relationship, a family relationship,
(02:57):
or a friendship, these seven questions I'm going to introduce
you today are going to make a huge difference in
your life. And the reason they make a difference is
because they all allow you to create vulnerability, create connection,
and create intimacy. Especially as relationships deeper. We're not always
(03:23):
going to learn something new about someone. We may feel
there's nothing left to learn, but you can always learn
something new about them, even if it's by going deeper.
Sometimes it's no longer about going wider, it's about going deeper,
and these questions allow that. So that's the intimacy part.
The second thing I said was vulnerability. We know that
(03:46):
relationships that have vulnerability actually bring people closer together. We
feel if we don't have arguments, if we avoid uncomfortable
conversations then will be closer. What you don't realize is
that avoiding a two our argument could create a two
week issue. A two our argument could save you from
(04:08):
two weeks of pain and issues. So these conversations may
be thought provoking and challenging and difficult in the beginning,
but they can actually help us. And the third thing
I mentioned was connection. A lot of the times when
we talk, we talk about ourselves, and we don't talk
about ourselves in relation to the person we have a
(04:31):
relationship with. And so you're not often talking about your relationship.
You might be talking about your to do list, you
might be talking about your weekend plans, you might be
talking about your work plans, but you're not talking about
the relationship. And these seven questions are designed to help
you have healthier, more powerful, more productive conversations in your relationship. Now,
(04:54):
I'm really excited to walk through these with you, So
make sure you have a notepad and pen, and if
you walking or driving or whatever it may be, remember
to share this episode with someone later. Take a screenshot
message it. I love all the posts on Instagram and
Twitter and Facebook that I've been seeing going up the
TikTok Oh my gosh, those of you sharing with the
(05:14):
audio on TikTok, thank you so much so. The first
question I want to introduce to you, This question is
what am I doing right that I should do more of?
What is it that I'm doing that you notice and appreciate.
What is it that I'm doing that you actually think
(05:35):
is good and you'd love for me to do it
more because it works. Notice how you could ask this
to a romantic partner or a work partner, whoever it
may be. A friend. What this allows for you is
that it boosts your own self esteem. You recognize that
(05:56):
the person you're sitting with does recognize your hard work,
your effort. They do recognize the energy you're putting into it,
They do recognize the amount of input you have. And often,
if that person doesn't have a natural way of reminding
(06:18):
you of this, you forget, and in your head you
build the narrative that they don't care, they don't notice me,
they don't appreciate me, they avoid me. It's really fascinating
to me to see that that we build up stories
in our head without actually checking in with the other person.
(06:38):
When you say to the other person, what am I
doing right that I should do more of They get
to tell you well. I love the way you send
emails in an organized way. I love that you message
me you love me in the morning. I love that
whenever I need you you always pick up. And all
of a sudden, you feel appreciated, You feel considered, you
feel heard, you feel seen. All of those things that
(07:00):
you didn't feel just a moment ago. You get a
chance to alleviate. You get a chance to recognize that
actually the person you think doesn't notice you notices you
more than you think they notice you. You with me,
and what it does for the other person is really special.
It gives them an opportunity to compliment you or share
(07:22):
gratitude with you. Often, what I find is that because
we haven't been trained in gratitude, because we haven't been
accustomed to learn how to give genuine compliments, we struggle.
And so often someone that you're with or someone that
you're working with, may not even know that you need that,
They may not know how to do it, They may
feel uncomfortable. I often have people I had a review
(07:44):
for the podcast the other day, thank you for everyone
leaving reviews. I read a review that just said jay
I don't want to be excited, but I just love
this podcast that I was thinking. But that's not overly excited.
I appreciate that. But people are scared of sharing compliments
and gratitude. Are you asking this question? What am I
doing right that I should do more of? Not only
(08:05):
do you get a chance to hear that this person
does care about you, they do notice you, you also
give them an opportunity to practice gratitude and complimenting, which
is healthy for their mental health and their well being. Now,
let's look at the awkward scenario where you ask this
question and the person has nothing to say. Right, Let's
(08:28):
say you ask this question and the person has nothing
to say. You're now recognizing that there is a bit
of a way to go. Whether that person isn't aware,
whether they really don't notice, whether they're not conscious. This
is an opportunity for you to recognize where you stand
with someone based on the quality of their response. The
(08:50):
response may be immediate, their response may be thoughtful. They
may pause for a while, and that's fine because that
shows a sign of a genuine answer. But if they say, well,
I don't think anything, I think everything's fine, don't get
angry at them, don't get mad at them, don't get
upset with them, say think about it, come back to
me when you've thought about it, and give them some time.
Let them maybe sit with it for a week. Let
(09:11):
them really sit with that, because they may give you
a really thoughtful response. So that's question number one. The
second question is what should I do less of? See,
you just asked for something that created a compliment or gratitude.
Now you want to ask for feedback. Do it in
this order? What is it that I do that I
(09:32):
should do less of? Is there something that I do
right now that you'd like me to do a little
less of? This is really powerful. You're asking for feedback
without saying do you have feedback for me? You're actually
asking for a chance to improve. You're asking for a
chance to allow that person to share. If you really
love them, if you really care about them, and you
(09:52):
believe they care about you, isn't it healthy for them
to say, Hey, I feel like every time I get home,
you're always asking me about my day, and I get
really tired to answer that. Then I'd love to answer
that a bit later, or you always ask me really
important questions while I'm on my phone. And please, next time,
just say to me, hey, can you just please not
be on your phone while I ask you this? And
(10:12):
I'll give you more attention. Right, So, there's so many
ways of using this as an opportunity to create a
healthier and more powerful connection. We rarely ask for feedback
in relationships because what happens in relationships is we think
the other person should know. We think the other person
(10:35):
should read our mind. We think that the other persion
should already be aware, or we don't give it because
we're scared. We're scared, and therefore, when you ask someone,
you're opening up a safe space. But you've got to
be ready to ask in Why will you be ready
because you'll understand that no matter what they say is
(10:55):
not personal to you. It's about a pattern, a trait,
a habit, but it's not about you. Now you'll say, well, Jay,
what do you mean? Of course it's about me. If
they're telling me that I need to be less distracted
when I'm on my phone, how is that not about me?
You're not a distracted person. You're a person who has distractions.
(11:19):
So making time and now being able to be present
is actually helping you too. Stress anxiety, overwhelm, burnout. What
do all of these have in common? A lack of
perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But what
(11:41):
if I told you fixing all of these problems is
as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,
not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we
could all use more calm in our lives, and learning
to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.
That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring
(12:03):
you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate
with me and take back control over your busy mind,
join me on the car map for the Daily J,
a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm
in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant
life and simple steps for positive actions to get you
closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me
(12:26):
by going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to
get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only
forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations.
Experience the Daily J only on Calm. Question number three,
what do I do that makes you feel confident. This
(12:46):
is a wonderful question to ask someone. When you have
trust in a business, when you have trust in a relationship,
that person makes you feel confident. If you think about
the relationships that we don't like in our life, and
if we think about a relationship that we're struggling with,
it's because that person doesn't make us feel confident. In
(13:07):
a dating relationship, if someone makes you feel insecure, you
don't know if you trust them. In a business relationship,
if you can't count on someone, if someone isn't reliable,
that means you don't have confidence in them, you don't
trust them. And ultimately, if you can't expect that a
fund will be there when you need them, you don't
have confidence in them. So when you say what do
(13:28):
I do that makes you feel confident, you get a
chance to see the level of trust you have in
a relationship. So if you say what do I do
that makes you feel confident and they say, well, you
always compliment me, You're always noticing the good in me.
That's beautiful. They recognize that if you say what do
I do that makes you feel confident and they say, well,
(13:48):
you know, from a work perspective, I always feel organized
because I know you're on top of my schedule. This
allows you to repeat that habit, and it allows that
person to acknowledge that you make them feel confident. It
deepens trust, It deepens your bond and relationships in ways
that you can't imagine. So that's question number three, and
(14:12):
really it's for your repetition. It's so that you can
repeat that action to build confidence, to build trust in
that relationship. How many of you want to be in
relationships that are trusting, that are building confidence. Question number
four is what do I do that makes you anxious?
What do I do that I might not even be
aware of that makes you anxious? What do I do
(14:34):
that makes you feel uncomfortable that I might not even
be aware of. I might actually be thinking I'm helping.
I realized. With me and Radi, I would always ask
her a question. I'd always say to well, let's go
through your work schedule, like how are you feeling about
what's coming up this week? And she'd always be like,
I don't want to talk about that, And she later
on when I asked her this question, told me, hey,
I feel anxious when you talk to me about work
(14:55):
on the weekends. Because I just want to switch up
from everything. And I was like, wow, that's so interest
because I always thought I was helping you plan. And
we judge ourselves by our intention, not by the effect
of how it makes that person feel. But how that
person feels is more important than our intentions. So when
I ask Rady, hey, let's talk about your work schedule,
(15:17):
I have great intentions. I love her and I want
to help her. But if my intention is that but
it makes her feel uncomfortable, then I need to change that.
So what do I do that makes you feel anxious?
What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable? Is
a great question to allow the other person to be
vulnerable with you and for you to gain awareness. And
I think for so many people we don't want to
(15:39):
ask this question because we want to think we do
everything right and we think that our intention is right. Therefore,
when we're not worried about well, we're like, well, what
could I do to make them feel anxious? Because I
love them, I care about them. You can still make
someone feel anxious even if you care about them, if
you've not understood how they receive it. Let me repeat that,
(16:00):
you can still make someone feel anxious even if you
love them, if you don't know how your actions and
words impact them, If you are not aware of how
your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel,
it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can
(16:22):
still feel anxious and uncomfortable. I once said to someone
on my team, what do I do that makes you
feel uncomfortable? What do I do that makes you feel anxious?
They said, Jay, you are always onto the next, You're
always changing, You're always iterating, and that makes me feel
uncomfortable because I don't feel like what I've done is
(16:42):
good enough. And I thought, wow, this is amazing, Like
because I would compliment, I would congratulate, but still that
wasn't enough. And they said, well, sometimes I just need
to feel like reminded again that we did get someone.
I'm like, wow, thank you so much for that, Like,
thank you for giving me that feedback. So when you
(17:03):
ask someone for this, you get so many wonderful, profound responses.
I want you to really test this out. The reason
I'm doing this episode instead of just giving you principles,
I'm trying to give you questions because I want you
to try these out. I want you to test them out.
I want to give you real tools on this podcast,
not just ideas or concepts, but tools that you can
practice with someone you work with, someone you love, someone
(17:26):
you have a deep friendship with, whoever it may be.
Because I want you to get this clarity in your relationship.
See relationships deepen when there's clarity. We always say, oh,
the importance behind the relationship is communication, But the key
to good communication is clarity. And you only get clarity
when you ask great questions. Okay, Question number five is
(17:49):
what is your love language? We all know the book
Love Languages that Gary Chapman made to five love languages.
If you don't know it, it's an awesome theory. The
idea of you all like to receive love in different ways,
but we often give love in the way we want
to receive it, not in the way someone else wants
to receive it. So the five love languages are words
(18:11):
of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts
of service. So words of affirmation is people in our
lives who like to be reminded through words that they
have achieved something, that they are worthy, that they are loved. Right.
The idea that we need a love note, we need
a text. We need encouragement, words of affirmation. You know
(18:33):
people in your life and we all need all of these,
but we need them in an order. Second is physical touch,
holding hands, hugs, morning cuddles. Right. Whatever it may be
physical touch, it could also be a gentle hand just
to say yeah, I'm here with you, I'm here for you. Right,
It's all nonverbal. It's party language based. Receiving gifts, I mean,
(18:56):
this was a big one for me. For a long
long time. I love receiving gifts and giving gifts, but
I realized they're not everyone in my life needs gifts
and the way I do. So I love receiving gifts,
like absolutely love personalized gifts, and I love giving people
personalized gifts. And I start to realize that people didn't
respond to gifts in the way I did. So some
people when they got gifts from me, no matter how
(19:17):
amazing they were, they were like, yeah, that's great, thank you,
But really they wanted the next one quality time. They
wanted quality time. And this is the thing about love languages.
You can't buy someone over with words of affirmation if
really they're what they want is quality time. You can't
replace physical touch with a gift. And then the last
fifth one is acts of service. People want support, people
(19:39):
want to help when you go out of your way.
I had one friend who wants acts of service, and
so nothing else is considered as important as an act
of service. She feels you can't be a friend if
there hasn't been an act of service. Asking your partner
what their love language is is a really useful skill,
a really powerful skill, because it gives that opportunity. It
(20:04):
gives that ability for someone to tell you how they
want to be loved now when it's their birthday. If
what they want is words of affirmation, you might write
them a poem. You might write them the longest card ever.
You might write them a secret clue that leads to
all these different things that they learn about themselves. If
(20:24):
someone wants acts of service, you may make them breakfast
in bed instead of buying them a gift. And often
you're like, well, I just brought you an amazing gift.
Why aren't you happy? And they're like, but I'm really
looking for acts of service. So asking someone what their
love languages helps you love them better. And that could
be a work colleague and be a friend. It could
be anyone in your life. The sixth question, which is
stuff that I'm really working on right now that I
(20:45):
can't wait to share with you in my next book,
is what's your fight style? Do you run away and
need to be alone? Do you want to talk it out?
Or are you someone that needs to scream and shout?
Like do I need to get used to that? Do
I need to be aware of that? What I love
about these questions is you also get to open up
about your answers. When you've asked a question, you get
(21:06):
to then share with the other person how you feel,
what you're going through, what you're experiencing as well. So
fight styles now, I know, like Rady, she needs to
sit and reflect and I want to talk it out.
We're both not shoudy people, were not overly aggravated people.
But in the beginning I would be like, oh, well,
if you don't want to talk about it, that means
you don't care about it, and she'd be like, I
(21:26):
do care about it, but I need to think about it.
And then I'd be like, all right, well, let's meet
in the middle. When do we talk about this. Let's
set a time so that we do get there. A
lot of this requires cooperation. But if we don't have
the basic cooperation, chances are we don't really have a
strong relationship. And that's painful to understand. But it's true
that a relationship requires a lot of collaboration and cooperations.
(21:51):
So if we're not collaborating and cooperating on this makes
it really tough. So truthfully, understanding each other's fight style
saves you a lot of energy in time. If you
never ask that question, you left guessing, wishing, waiting, hoping.
So many different things that are going on right, so
many different things. Now. The seventh question is, and this
(22:14):
is the toughest one, the hardest one, is this relationship
going in the direction you want it to go? If not,
what is the direction? And shall we both commit to that?
Can we both commit to that? This is one of
those questions that you wait to ask when you feel
really confident in a relationship. I just spent the last
(22:34):
couple of days with my business partner behind all of
our incredible programs. If you're not a Genius member, makes
you check out jus dot com. Big shout out to
all our Genius members listening to our coaching certification, our
accredited coaches, our life coaches jcaching dot com. My friend
(22:55):
and business partner who helped develop these things with me.
We just spent four days together in We hadn't seen
each other during the pandemic because he lives in London
and I live in la and we were asking this question,
are we going in the direction we want to go in?
And we've realized that without asking that question, we were
moving on default. Things were progressing, we were doing great work,
(23:15):
but we couldn't identify the direction we wanted to go in.
And now that we've done that over four days, I
can't wait for what's coming to you. Like you, I
cannot express to you how excited I am about all
the amazing updates we have coming your way about what's
happening in our world and ecosystem. And that came from
asking that question, is this going in the right direction?
(23:35):
What can we do to get it in the right direction?
We know we believe in each other, we know we're connected,
but what do we need to do? These are the
seven questions to ask to deepen any relationship and improve vulnerability, intimacy,
and connection. Thank you so much for listening. I hope
you test these out. Test one of them out. This week.
(23:55):
Test one out every day, give it a go in
different relationships and watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening.
I'll be back next week with two extra exciting episodes.
Of course, you can listen every day. We've got an
amazing library. I'll see you soon. Thanks everyone,
You can still make someone feel anxious even if you
love them, if you don't know how your actions and
words impact them. If you are not aware of how
your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel,
it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can
still feel anxious and uncomfortable. Hey, everyone, welcome back to
(00:29):
you On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Thanks to each and every single one of you who
are just so dedicated and so committed to your growth.
It is unbelievable. If you're listening right now, I want
you to take a moment to just smile at yourself,
with yourself, to congratulate yourself for showing up, for turning up.
(00:52):
We're so hard on ourselves. But remember every time you're
committing to on Purpose, every time you're committing to your workouts,
every time you're commit to any form of personal growth,
whether you're reading, listening, learning, jumping, whatever you're up to walking, congratulations,
take a moment to really acknowledge yourself, to recognize yourself.
(01:12):
And I want to take a moment to recognize all
of you because you've all been listening every single day.
I know so many of you are listening to multiple
episodes per week, and we're seeing that in the reviews,
in the stats. It is unbelievable. And I could not
thank you more honestly for your support on purpose and
(01:33):
the next few months are exceptionally important, and I couldn't
thank you more. And I am so excited because the
guests that we have coming over the next few months
until the end of this year are just unbelievable. Unbelievable.
You have no idea what's coming your way, and I
can't tell you because I'm excited for you. Just keep
(01:54):
a lookout, make sure that you've subscribed to the podcast
on the app that you're listening on. Make sure that
turned notifications on my Instagram for j Y and JTI podcast.
I just don't want you to miss out. So today
this episode is a really special one as well, because
I really wanted to address our relationships. Now. We always
(02:15):
hear that our relationships are important. We know that, but
often it's really hard. How many times do you sit
at dinner with someone you love and you struggle to
have a meaningful conversation and you spend your time on
your phone, maybe in the car on the way back
in the evening, you wish you had more deeper connection.
Or how many of you turn on a show because
(02:37):
it's it's an easier way to spend time together than
starting an actual discussion. How many of you don't know
what to talk about? How many of you run out
of topics, maybe you run out of conversation ideas, especially
if you've been together for a while now, whether you're
talking about a business relationship, a romantic relationship, a family relationship,
(02:57):
or a friendship, these seven questions I'm going to introduce
you today are going to make a huge difference in
your life. And the reason they make a difference is
because they all allow you to create vulnerability, create connection,
and create intimacy. Especially as relationships deeper. We're not always
(03:23):
going to learn something new about someone. We may feel
there's nothing left to learn, but you can always learn
something new about them, even if it's by going deeper.
Sometimes it's no longer about going wider, it's about going deeper,
and these questions allow that. So that's the intimacy part.
The second thing I said was vulnerability. We know that
(03:46):
relationships that have vulnerability actually bring people closer together. We
feel if we don't have arguments, if we avoid uncomfortable
conversations then will be closer. What you don't realize is
that avoiding a two our argument could create a two
week issue. A two our argument could save you from
(04:08):
two weeks of pain and issues. So these conversations may
be thought provoking and challenging and difficult in the beginning,
but they can actually help us. And the third thing
I mentioned was connection. A lot of the times when
we talk, we talk about ourselves, and we don't talk
about ourselves in relation to the person we have a
(04:31):
relationship with. And so you're not often talking about your relationship.
You might be talking about your to do list, you
might be talking about your weekend plans, you might be
talking about your work plans, but you're not talking about
the relationship. And these seven questions are designed to help
you have healthier, more powerful, more productive conversations in your relationship. Now,
(04:54):
I'm really excited to walk through these with you, So
make sure you have a notepad and pen, and if
you walking or driving or whatever it may be, remember
to share this episode with someone later. Take a screenshot
message it. I love all the posts on Instagram and
Twitter and Facebook that I've been seeing going up the
TikTok Oh my gosh, those of you sharing with the
(05:14):
audio on TikTok, thank you so much so. The first
question I want to introduce to you, This question is
what am I doing right that I should do more of?
What is it that I'm doing that you notice and appreciate.
What is it that I'm doing that you actually think
(05:35):
is good and you'd love for me to do it
more because it works. Notice how you could ask this
to a romantic partner or a work partner, whoever it
may be. A friend. What this allows for you is
that it boosts your own self esteem. You recognize that
(05:56):
the person you're sitting with does recognize your hard work,
your effort. They do recognize the energy you're putting into it,
They do recognize the amount of input you have. And often,
if that person doesn't have a natural way of reminding
(06:18):
you of this, you forget, and in your head you
build the narrative that they don't care, they don't notice me,
they don't appreciate me, they avoid me. It's really fascinating
to me to see that that we build up stories
in our head without actually checking in with the other person.
(06:38):
When you say to the other person, what am I
doing right that I should do more of They get
to tell you well. I love the way you send
emails in an organized way. I love that you message
me you love me in the morning. I love that
whenever I need you you always pick up. And all
of a sudden, you feel appreciated, You feel considered, you
feel heard, you feel seen. All of those things that
(07:00):
you didn't feel just a moment ago. You get a
chance to alleviate. You get a chance to recognize that
actually the person you think doesn't notice you notices you
more than you think they notice you. You with me,
and what it does for the other person is really special.
It gives them an opportunity to compliment you or share
(07:22):
gratitude with you. Often, what I find is that because
we haven't been trained in gratitude, because we haven't been
accustomed to learn how to give genuine compliments, we struggle.
And so often someone that you're with or someone that
you're working with, may not even know that you need that,
They may not know how to do it, They may
feel uncomfortable. I often have people I had a review
(07:44):
for the podcast the other day, thank you for everyone
leaving reviews. I read a review that just said jay
I don't want to be excited, but I just love
this podcast that I was thinking. But that's not overly excited.
I appreciate that. But people are scared of sharing compliments
and gratitude. Are you asking this question? What am I
doing right that I should do more of? Not only
(08:05):
do you get a chance to hear that this person
does care about you, they do notice you, you also
give them an opportunity to practice gratitude and complimenting, which
is healthy for their mental health and their well being. Now,
let's look at the awkward scenario where you ask this
question and the person has nothing to say. Right, Let's
(08:28):
say you ask this question and the person has nothing
to say. You're now recognizing that there is a bit
of a way to go. Whether that person isn't aware,
whether they really don't notice, whether they're not conscious. This
is an opportunity for you to recognize where you stand
with someone based on the quality of their response. The
(08:50):
response may be immediate, their response may be thoughtful. They
may pause for a while, and that's fine because that
shows a sign of a genuine answer. But if they say, well,
I don't think anything, I think everything's fine, don't get
angry at them, don't get mad at them, don't get
upset with them, say think about it, come back to
me when you've thought about it, and give them some time.
Let them maybe sit with it for a week. Let
(09:11):
them really sit with that, because they may give you
a really thoughtful response. So that's question number one. The
second question is what should I do less of? See,
you just asked for something that created a compliment or gratitude.
Now you want to ask for feedback. Do it in
this order? What is it that I do that I
(09:32):
should do less of? Is there something that I do
right now that you'd like me to do a little
less of? This is really powerful. You're asking for feedback
without saying do you have feedback for me? You're actually
asking for a chance to improve. You're asking for a
chance to allow that person to share. If you really
love them, if you really care about them, and you
(09:52):
believe they care about you, isn't it healthy for them
to say, Hey, I feel like every time I get home,
you're always asking me about my day, and I get
really tired to answer that. Then I'd love to answer
that a bit later, or you always ask me really
important questions while I'm on my phone. And please, next time,
just say to me, hey, can you just please not
be on your phone while I ask you this? And
(10:12):
I'll give you more attention. Right, So, there's so many
ways of using this as an opportunity to create a
healthier and more powerful connection. We rarely ask for feedback
in relationships because what happens in relationships is we think
the other person should know. We think the other person
(10:35):
should read our mind. We think that the other persion
should already be aware, or we don't give it because
we're scared. We're scared, and therefore, when you ask someone,
you're opening up a safe space. But you've got to
be ready to ask in Why will you be ready
because you'll understand that no matter what they say is
(10:55):
not personal to you. It's about a pattern, a trait,
a habit, but it's not about you. Now you'll say, well, Jay,
what do you mean? Of course it's about me. If
they're telling me that I need to be less distracted
when I'm on my phone, how is that not about me?
You're not a distracted person. You're a person who has distractions.
(11:19):
So making time and now being able to be present
is actually helping you too. Stress anxiety, overwhelm, burnout. What
do all of these have in common? A lack of
perceived control over your time, thoughts, and tasks. But what
(11:41):
if I told you fixing all of these problems is
as simple as fixing your mindset towards them. I know,
not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we
could all use more calm in our lives, and learning
to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice.
That's why I've partnered with Calm dot com to bring
(12:03):
you the Daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate
with me and take back control over your busy mind,
join me on the car map for the Daily J,
a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm
in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant
life and simple steps for positive actions to get you
closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me
(12:26):
by going to Calm dot com forward slash Jay to
get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only
forty two dollars for the whole year for daily guided meditations.
Experience the Daily J only on Calm. Question number three,
what do I do that makes you feel confident. This
(12:46):
is a wonderful question to ask someone. When you have
trust in a business, when you have trust in a relationship,
that person makes you feel confident. If you think about
the relationships that we don't like in our life, and
if we think about a relationship that we're struggling with,
it's because that person doesn't make us feel confident. In
(13:07):
a dating relationship, if someone makes you feel insecure, you
don't know if you trust them. In a business relationship,
if you can't count on someone, if someone isn't reliable,
that means you don't have confidence in them, you don't
trust them. And ultimately, if you can't expect that a
fund will be there when you need them, you don't
have confidence in them. So when you say what do
(13:28):
I do that makes you feel confident, you get a
chance to see the level of trust you have in
a relationship. So if you say what do I do
that makes you feel confident and they say, well, you
always compliment me, You're always noticing the good in me.
That's beautiful. They recognize that if you say what do
I do that makes you feel confident and they say, well,
(13:48):
you know, from a work perspective, I always feel organized
because I know you're on top of my schedule. This
allows you to repeat that habit, and it allows that
person to acknowledge that you make them feel confident. It
deepens trust, It deepens your bond and relationships in ways
that you can't imagine. So that's question number three, and
(14:12):
really it's for your repetition. It's so that you can
repeat that action to build confidence, to build trust in
that relationship. How many of you want to be in
relationships that are trusting, that are building confidence. Question number
four is what do I do that makes you anxious?
What do I do that I might not even be
aware of that makes you anxious? What do I do
(14:34):
that makes you feel uncomfortable that I might not even
be aware of. I might actually be thinking I'm helping.
I realized. With me and Radi, I would always ask
her a question. I'd always say to well, let's go
through your work schedule, like how are you feeling about
what's coming up this week? And she'd always be like,
I don't want to talk about that, And she later
on when I asked her this question, told me, hey,
I feel anxious when you talk to me about work
(14:55):
on the weekends. Because I just want to switch up
from everything. And I was like, wow, that's so interest
because I always thought I was helping you plan. And
we judge ourselves by our intention, not by the effect
of how it makes that person feel. But how that
person feels is more important than our intentions. So when
I ask Rady, hey, let's talk about your work schedule,
(15:17):
I have great intentions. I love her and I want
to help her. But if my intention is that but
it makes her feel uncomfortable, then I need to change that.
So what do I do that makes you feel anxious?
What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable? Is
a great question to allow the other person to be
vulnerable with you and for you to gain awareness. And
I think for so many people we don't want to
(15:39):
ask this question because we want to think we do
everything right and we think that our intention is right. Therefore,
when we're not worried about well, we're like, well, what
could I do to make them feel anxious? Because I
love them, I care about them. You can still make
someone feel anxious even if you care about them, if
you've not understood how they receive it. Let me repeat that,
(16:00):
you can still make someone feel anxious even if you
love them, if you don't know how your actions and
words impact them, If you are not aware of how
your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel,
it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can
(16:22):
still feel anxious and uncomfortable. I once said to someone
on my team, what do I do that makes you
feel uncomfortable? What do I do that makes you feel anxious?
They said, Jay, you are always onto the next, You're
always changing, You're always iterating, and that makes me feel
uncomfortable because I don't feel like what I've done is
(16:42):
good enough. And I thought, wow, this is amazing, Like
because I would compliment, I would congratulate, but still that
wasn't enough. And they said, well, sometimes I just need
to feel like reminded again that we did get someone.
I'm like, wow, thank you so much for that, Like,
thank you for giving me that feedback. So when you
(17:03):
ask someone for this, you get so many wonderful, profound responses.
I want you to really test this out. The reason
I'm doing this episode instead of just giving you principles,
I'm trying to give you questions because I want you
to try these out. I want you to test them out.
I want to give you real tools on this podcast,
not just ideas or concepts, but tools that you can
practice with someone you work with, someone you love, someone
(17:26):
you have a deep friendship with, whoever it may be.
Because I want you to get this clarity in your relationship.
See relationships deepen when there's clarity. We always say, oh,
the importance behind the relationship is communication, But the key
to good communication is clarity. And you only get clarity
when you ask great questions. Okay, Question number five is
(17:49):
what is your love language? We all know the book
Love Languages that Gary Chapman made to five love languages.
If you don't know it, it's an awesome theory. The
idea of you all like to receive love in different ways,
but we often give love in the way we want
to receive it, not in the way someone else wants
to receive it. So the five love languages are words
(18:11):
of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts
of service. So words of affirmation is people in our
lives who like to be reminded through words that they
have achieved something, that they are worthy, that they are loved. Right.
The idea that we need a love note, we need
a text. We need encouragement, words of affirmation. You know
(18:33):
people in your life and we all need all of these,
but we need them in an order. Second is physical touch,
holding hands, hugs, morning cuddles. Right. Whatever it may be
physical touch, it could also be a gentle hand just
to say yeah, I'm here with you, I'm here for you. Right,
It's all nonverbal. It's party language based. Receiving gifts, I mean,
(18:56):
this was a big one for me. For a long
long time. I love receiving gifts and giving gifts, but
I realized they're not everyone in my life needs gifts
and the way I do. So I love receiving gifts,
like absolutely love personalized gifts, and I love giving people
personalized gifts. And I start to realize that people didn't
respond to gifts in the way I did. So some
people when they got gifts from me, no matter how
(19:17):
amazing they were, they were like, yeah, that's great, thank you,
But really they wanted the next one quality time. They
wanted quality time. And this is the thing about love languages.
You can't buy someone over with words of affirmation if
really they're what they want is quality time. You can't
replace physical touch with a gift. And then the last
fifth one is acts of service. People want support, people
(19:39):
want to help when you go out of your way.
I had one friend who wants acts of service, and
so nothing else is considered as important as an act
of service. She feels you can't be a friend if
there hasn't been an act of service. Asking your partner
what their love language is is a really useful skill,
a really powerful skill, because it gives that opportunity. It
(20:04):
gives that ability for someone to tell you how they
want to be loved now when it's their birthday. If
what they want is words of affirmation, you might write
them a poem. You might write them the longest card ever.
You might write them a secret clue that leads to
all these different things that they learn about themselves. If
(20:24):
someone wants acts of service, you may make them breakfast
in bed instead of buying them a gift. And often
you're like, well, I just brought you an amazing gift.
Why aren't you happy? And they're like, but I'm really
looking for acts of service. So asking someone what their
love languages helps you love them better. And that could
be a work colleague and be a friend. It could
be anyone in your life. The sixth question, which is
stuff that I'm really working on right now that I
(20:45):
can't wait to share with you in my next book,
is what's your fight style? Do you run away and
need to be alone? Do you want to talk it out?
Or are you someone that needs to scream and shout?
Like do I need to get used to that? Do
I need to be aware of that? What I love
about these questions is you also get to open up
about your answers. When you've asked a question, you get
(21:06):
to then share with the other person how you feel,
what you're going through, what you're experiencing as well. So
fight styles now, I know, like Rady, she needs to
sit and reflect and I want to talk it out.
We're both not shoudy people, were not overly aggravated people.
But in the beginning I would be like, oh, well,
if you don't want to talk about it, that means
you don't care about it, and she'd be like, I
(21:26):
do care about it, but I need to think about it.
And then I'd be like, all right, well, let's meet
in the middle. When do we talk about this. Let's
set a time so that we do get there. A
lot of this requires cooperation. But if we don't have
the basic cooperation, chances are we don't really have a
strong relationship. And that's painful to understand. But it's true
that a relationship requires a lot of collaboration and cooperations.
(21:51):
So if we're not collaborating and cooperating on this makes
it really tough. So truthfully, understanding each other's fight style
saves you a lot of energy in time. If you
never ask that question, you left guessing, wishing, waiting, hoping.
So many different things that are going on right, so
many different things. Now. The seventh question is, and this
(22:14):
is the toughest one, the hardest one, is this relationship
going in the direction you want it to go? If not,
what is the direction? And shall we both commit to that?
Can we both commit to that? This is one of
those questions that you wait to ask when you feel
really confident in a relationship. I just spent the last
(22:34):
couple of days with my business partner behind all of
our incredible programs. If you're not a Genius member, makes
you check out jus dot com. Big shout out to
all our Genius members listening to our coaching certification, our
accredited coaches, our life coaches jcaching dot com. My friend
(22:55):
and business partner who helped develop these things with me.
We just spent four days together in We hadn't seen
each other during the pandemic because he lives in London
and I live in la and we were asking this question,
are we going in the direction we want to go in?
And we've realized that without asking that question, we were
moving on default. Things were progressing, we were doing great work,
(23:15):
but we couldn't identify the direction we wanted to go in.
And now that we've done that over four days, I
can't wait for what's coming to you. Like you, I
cannot express to you how excited I am about all
the amazing updates we have coming your way about what's
happening in our world and ecosystem. And that came from
asking that question, is this going in the right direction?
(23:35):
What can we do to get it in the right direction?
We know we believe in each other, we know we're connected,
but what do we need to do? These are the
seven questions to ask to deepen any relationship and improve vulnerability, intimacy,
and connection. Thank you so much for listening. I hope
you test these out. Test one of them out. This week.
(23:55):
Test one out every day, give it a go in
different relationships and watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening.
I'll be back next week with two extra exciting episodes.
Of course, you can listen every day. We've got an
amazing library. I'll see you soon. Thanks everyone,
Host
Jay Shetty
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