July 7, 2023 • 41 mins
Have you ever found yourself constantly trying to please others, putting their needs before your own?
What is it like to be a people pleaser, always seeking validation and acceptance from those around you?
If you want to know more about this trait and how to overcome it, then this episode is for you.
Join me as I uncover the deep-rooted struggles of saying no, over-apologizing, and failing to communicate our own needs. We get to understand the pain of feeling rejected and left out, and the challenges of being overly agreeable and avoiding conflict.
Finally, we will explore the lengths we go to in order to avoid being disliked or hated. Through this exploration, we gain insights into the human condition and learn how to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing.
Here’s what you’ll learn today:
- How to say NO nicely and effectively
- How to stop over apologizing in situations you have no control over
- How to properly communicate your needs and thoughts
- How to openly voice out your opinions without being combative
- How to stop the habit of people pleasing
Prepare to embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment as we navigate the path towards authenticity and reclaiming our personal power.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:31 Are you a people pleaser? What is it like to be one?
- 07:51 What are sociotropic individuals, and have you met one?
- 11:25 Trait #1: You struggle to say NO
- 17:49 Trait #2: You constantly over apologize
- 21:59 Trait #3: You do not communicate your NEEDS
- 24:05 Trait #4: You often feel rejected and left out
- 26:39 Trait #5: You tend to be agreeable and
- 30:18 Trait #6: You avoid conflict or tough conversations
- 31:56 Trait #7: You become anything and do anything to not be hated
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
adding a really special offering onto the back of my
solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
free life. We dive into a range of topics and
the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,
(00:22):
so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
how busy you are. This week, we're talking about your
habits and how to develop better daily routines. Of course,
if you want to listen to The Daily Jay every day,
you can subscribe to Calm, So go to calm dot
com forward slash Jay for forty percent off your membership today.
(00:47):
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one
health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every
one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier,
and more healed. Now, guys, I'm back from tour. I'm
actually back, and I'm so excited to be back here
with you on our Friday workshops. Your support has been
(01:12):
incredible to me. So many of you, tens of thousands
of you came out to see me on tour, so
many of you. I got to hug and look into
your eyes and hold your hands, which I so deeply
wanted to do, and it was just an unbelievable shared experience.
But even over here on the podcast, you've been supporting
me through all the incredible episodes this year. We've had
(01:33):
Dr Joe Dispenser, We've had Kim Kardashian, We've had Lewis Hamilton,
Kevin Hart. It has been an incredible roster of guests,
and you keep sharing the episodes, you keep telling your
friends about them. You are allowing for this wisdom to
spread so fast, so far and so wide, and for that,
(01:54):
I am so deeply grateful to you. But I'm back
for these Friday workshops. Whether you're listening on a Friday
or any other day, I'm just happy that you're here.
And I just wanted to take a moment to say
just how thankful I am for all the engagement on Instagram,
on TikTok, for the sharing of the episodes. It's unbelievable
(02:15):
and I don't take it for granted. I value you
so so much. Keep it coming makes you leave a
review makes you tag me on Instagram and on TikTok.
I'm always looking out, I'm always commenting, I'm always replying
as much as I can. So thank you so much
for doing that. Now, today's topic is something that I
think a lot of us struggle with, a lot of
us deal with, and it's quite a tough one to
(02:38):
talk about because it's uncomfortable to recognize that a lot
of our behaviors, a lot of our traits, a lot
of our ways of being are defined by wanting to
be a people pleaser. How many of you already identify
(02:59):
as a peace people pleaser and feel uncomfortable or unhealthy
about what it is like to be one, And how
many of you are listening and you're thinking to yourself, well,
I don't know if I'm people pleaser. I've been hearing
about this term. I feel like I might be. I'm
not sure, and I want to have a healthier relationship
with it. And maybe there's some of you who are
(03:20):
like Jay, I've been a people pleaser for so long
it is wrecking my life. I need to fix it.
I need to figure it out. How do I do this? Now?
I want to start off by saying this. Whether you're
a people pleaser or you think you might be one,
it's natural. It's normal to want to see other people happy.
I don't think that's a bad thing. For wanting other
(03:41):
people to be happy, for wanting other people to be healthy,
for wanting people to feel good, for wanting people to
be joyful. That is a beautiful feeling that you should
always hold on to. I have that feeling. When I
was on stage, I was pouring all my energy out
into the audience, all my love, all my joy because
I wanted you to feel that. When I'm recording these episodes,
(04:04):
when I'm working hard every day to create this incredible
content that we get to do here add on purpose,
I'm pouring my heart into I'm pouring all my energy
into it because I want you to feel that when
you experience it. But here's the difference between people pleasing
(04:24):
and helping and serving people. People pleasing is where we
displease ourself In the process of pleasing others, we put
ourselves second to put others first. Actually, we put ourselves seventh.
(04:44):
By putting everyone else first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,
we deprioritize what we truly are searching for by prioritizing
what other people want. What it basically means is that
when you're a people pleaser, you will even go to
the extent of disliking yourself for someone else to like you.
(05:11):
Let's just let that settle. A people pleaser is someone
who will go to the extent of even disliking themselves
in order for others to like them. So, when I'm
pouring out on stage, or I'm pouring out in these episodes,
or I'm trying to share my love through my books
or whatever it may be, I want to please you.
(05:32):
I want to make you happy. That's a beautiful mindset
to have, But I don't want to do it to
the extent that I end up hurting myself, that I
end up disliking myself, or I end up being frustrated
or overwhelmed with myself. Right, sometimes you want to make
someone so happy, but you get so stressed, you take
(05:53):
on so much overwhelm, you take on so much pressure,
and in the end of it, whether they're pleased on not,
you're just exhausted. We don't want to be in that position.
We don't want to be in a position where we
have no energy left to give to ourselves. That is
the difference between a people pleaser and someone who's trying
(06:14):
to serve, trying to help, trying to make an impact.
When you're living for people with purpose, it's different than
when you're living for people trying to please them. In
your purpose, you take care of yourself so you can
serve and help others. In people pleasing, you just try
(06:36):
and please others, hoping it makes you feel better. Right,
Notice that difference. So, and I've been there, by the way,
I remember being a full on people pleaser in thinking
it with service, being a martyr, thinking it was about sacrifice.
And what I didn't realize was that real purpose was
to take care of myself, to prioritize myself, to work
(06:58):
on myself, togize myself so that I could extend myself
to others. If you just focus on yourself and you
don't care about anyone else, that selfishness. If you only
focus on other people and not yourself, that's self sabotage
and self sacrifice. But if you work on yourself, if
(07:19):
you take care of your health, your mental health, your
physical health, your fitness, your finances, in order to be more,
give more, serve more for others. That's what we want
to get to. And I'm on this journey myself because
it's so easy to slip back into those old habits
of being a people pleaser. So today we're going to
talk about the key traits of people pleasers, and we're
(07:44):
going to talk about the transformation that we need to
make into people with purpose. Right. So I learned this
really interesting term from the National Health Institute, and it's
the word sociotropic. You might I've heard it before, but
socio tropic individuals, the National Health Institute says, are characterized
(08:06):
by an overvaluation of closeness and social acceptance in order
to boost low self esteem, while autonomous individuals base their
self esteem on achievement, independence, and control. So we all
know what autonomy looks, right, The independence, the healthy independence
(08:28):
of being able to have freedom to make decisions, to
make choices. Socio Tropic individuals are the opposite. They find
their worth in not having a choice, in giving up
their independence, in letting go of a personal pursuit, and
often end up as people pleases. Now, the Yugo of Pol,
(08:50):
ended in August twenty twenty two, says about half forty
seven percent of American adults believe that other people in
their life would definitely or probably describe them as a
people pleaser. Nearly half of us feel that other people
would describe us as a people pleaser. So you're not
(09:11):
alone when you feel this way. And among women, fifty
one percent believe others see them this way, and forty
two percent of men say the same. So we can
see that this is a challenge that a lot of
us have. It's something that a lot of us experience.
And again, I want to remind you, the challenge is
not that you want other people to be happy. Wanting
(09:32):
other people to be happy is a beautiful motive. It's
when you're willing to make yourself unhappy to make others
happy where there becomes a challenge. And what I mean
by that is when you really start destroying or deconstructing
your own identity, You start dissolving your own nature, your
(09:53):
own qualities and abilities, in order to make someone else
feel good. Now, among self identified people pleases in Yugov's poll,
thirty nine percent say being this way has made their
life harder. Being a people pleaser makes our life harder.
And I think you're here because you've experienced that you've
(10:15):
felt that in your own life where it can become
really difficult. Now why does it become difficult? I want
to walk you through these traits because I want us
to be conscious of the different ways in which we
behave when we're people pleasing. You may think it's like,
you know, you have low self esteem and you're always
just trying to make other people smile and laugh, and
(10:35):
those are parts of it. But I want to give
you a few new perspectives, hopefully reaffirming some of your
beliefs as well, so that you can be more conscious,
because the more conscious you are, the easier it is
to break through. Remember, all amendments in our life start
with awareness. You can't address something until you're aware of it.
(10:57):
Let me say that again. You can't address something. You
can't amend something until you're aware of it. And you're
only aware of it when you're aware of how differently
it shows up in your life. You're only aware of
it based on how deeply you know the intricacies and
the nuances of how it shows up in your life.
(11:20):
So here are the traits of being a people pleaser.
The first one is struggling to say no how many
times does someone message you and say, hey, do you
have a minute to catch up right now? You've got
like one hundred emails to look at. But you say yeah, sure,
and then you hesitate and you feel upset. Right, So,
what happens You pick up the call. That person starts
(11:44):
telling you their life story, starts telling you everything they're
struggling with, starts telling you about their challenges at work.
What happens next? You help them solve their problems. You
listen to them. In your head, you're being torn because
you also want to solve your own problems. Two hours later,
you come back to your one one hundred and fifty
nine emails, and all of a sudden, you're now frustrated
(12:04):
at yourself. You might even feel frustration towards them. I
think that's one of the most interesting things about being
a people pleaser is that not only then are you
upset at yourself, you actually become upset at them. You go, well,
why can't they be more conscientious? Like, why didn't they
think about my feelings? Why do they never ask about me?
Why do they never think about how I'm feeling what
(12:25):
I'm doing? Maybe I'm busy right now? Where else do
you struggle to say no. Maybe there's a family event
and maybe there's someone that you don't quite see I
toy at that family dinner, but when it comes to
the holiday, you always say yes. Maybe you struggle to
say no when your friends says, hey, do you want
to help me move this weekend? Or you know what,
(12:45):
can you organize this for our friends this year? And
all of a sudden you become team planner, event planner,
party planner, and you struggle to say no. We struggle
to say no because we're scared that it makes us
unlikable if we're useless. We're scared that if we are unuseful,
(13:08):
we are unlikable. We believe that we are only likable
if we're useful to others, that if we're of some requirement,
then that gives us significance. Now that's natural, right when
you think you offer something to someone, that's when you
feel significant. But you have to realize that the people
(13:28):
that love you in your life, they don't love you
because of your use of a requirement, of a need.
They love you because of who you are. They love
you as you are. We think saying no is us
closing the door and being liked. We think that's it.
They're going to think I'm useless. They're going to think
I'm unlikable. They're going to think that I'm not worth it,
and my only worth is if I can do something
(13:51):
for this person. Right, I know you can feel that
when I say it. I know you relate to that
when I say it, And in we keep saying yes
even when we can't take it anymore, to the point
that one day we've said so many yess that we
finally burst, we finally spill over. And then at that
(14:12):
point when everything's tipped over the edge, we then are
upset with that person for not noticing, for not feeling
how we were feeling. So how do we overcome this?
Learning to say no is probably the hardest thing ever. Right,
someone says, hey, do you want to come out tonight
and you say no, I'm not sure, and they say, oh,
(14:34):
stop being a loser, come out right like that kind
of attitude, Or hey, you know, we're thinking of planning
this trip that we're going on and you're like, oh, no,
I don't think I can go. I've got work priorities,
And it's like, oh, you're boring, right, Like we feel
that pressure. My wife and I sometimes feel that because
we go out to hang with our friends, but we're
their friends that want to go sleep by ten pm,
and so we're like leaving and they're like, oh, why
(14:56):
don't you watch a movie? And we're like, you know what,
really want to wake up early tomorrow night today? And
the number one thing is like, well, you know, why
do you need to do that? Like why can't you
just have fun? Now? As time's gone on, I've spent
less and less time with that. I don't have friends
that say that to me anymore, which is a beautiful thing.
And it's been really clear in guiding me as to
who likes me for who I am the way I am,
or who wants me to become more like them in
(15:19):
order for them to like me right? Think about that clearly.
Who likes me right for who I am the way
I am? I like sleeping at ten am. I like
we get up at six am. I like meditating in
the morning. I like getting sleep before midnight. Who likes
me that way for who I am the way I am?
Or who only likes me when I do things that
(15:40):
please them? People who like me for who I am
the way I am are so important to me compared
to those who want me to be like them for
them to like me. Right for some of those friends
who's like, well, if you don't stay up to watch
a movie like I like to, then I don't like
you as much. Right. If you're not going to be
the person who entertains me in this way, then I
(16:00):
don't like you as much. And learning to say no
is accepting that you may lose that person or that
person may distance themselves from you. And I think that's
what we're getting at here, is that we're actually developing
the ability to sit in the discomfort of someone not
(16:23):
liking us. The way to do this effectively is learn
to say no in a nice way. I think when
we first practiced this, we start learning to just say no.
We're like, no, I'm not coming, No, I can't make it.
And all of a sudden that person's like, well, why
are you being so abrupt? You literally were saying yes
until yesterday, and now you listen to a Jay Shaddy
episode and now you're just say no all the time. Right,
(16:45):
But it's like, no, let me say no in a
nice way. Let me give my explanation. You're not remember
giving an apology or a context for trying to make
them happy. But you're being honest. So I'll say to
a friend, I'll be like, you know what, I actually
did this this weekkend right. It was fourth of July,
last weekend. It was a big holiday weekend. I had
a lot of wonderful friends. I'd just come back into
(17:05):
town after my tour. Everyone's like, Jay, we want to
see you, want to hang out And I wanted to
see them too, And I said, you know what, I
literally just came off tour. I'm pretty exhausted. I just
need to spend a bit of a loan time this weekend.
And That's what I'm going to do. And I'll see
you as soon as I can. I would really appreciate
Thank you so much for understanding this in advance. And hey,
none of my friends were like, oh, Jay, you're so ungrateful,
(17:28):
Like why are you acting like that. Everyone's just like, Jay,
we get it. Let us know when you're free, right.
And so that's the kind of community you want to
surround yourself with. If someone's not reciprocating or responding to
your honesty and your communication in a healthy way, you
have to really ask yourself whether they're the right person
that you want to have in your life. Now. Number two,
(17:50):
which is linked to this, is a lot of us
constantly apologize, Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Oh, I'm
so sorry I did that almost so sorry, I can't
make this. I'm so sorry that it wasn't per I'm
so sorry. Right, we threw a dinner party, but we're
so sorry that it wasn't what people expected. We're always
over apologizing. How many of you find yourselves when you
(18:12):
don't know what to say, you just overapologize. Like, let's
say someone's into you, right, someone's been flirting with you,
someone's slid into your DM, someone's messaging you, someone's talking
to you. You're not into them. They tell you that
they're into you, and now you are telling them you're
not into them. But you're like, I'm so sorry, I'm
(18:33):
not into you, Like I feel so bad, like you know,
all that kind of stuff. And by the way, it's
great for you to have feelings for how they feel,
but we constantly make it feel like it's our fault. Right,
and now that you say no to them and they say, oh, well,
I still want to be friends, or like let's still
connect or let's still talk, and then we feel even
(18:55):
more sorry because then we want to spend time with
them because we want them to like us. But then
we're like, oh, wait a minute, I feel bad because
maybe I'm still teasing them, or maybe they're still into me,
or whatever it may be. And so now you're making
out like this was all your fault. How many times
have you made it out, be honest with me, how
many times have you made it out that it's all
your fault? How many times do you feel that way?
(19:17):
That's actually at the root of constantly apologizing. You constantly
apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they
had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your boss.
You feel like everything is all your fault. How many
of us walk around with that mindset that everything is
our fault, that in some way, if things aren't perfect,
it's our fault, That it's our problem, that we did
(19:37):
something wrong, that we made a mistake. Now, how do
we work on that? How do we stop thinking everything's
our fault? The biggest thing for me was to realize
that if someone was an adult, they had to take
responsibility for their actions, and I had to take responsibility
for mine. If we're adults now, if we're over eighteen
(19:59):
years years old, right, if you're over twenty one years old,
everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and
do what is right for themselves and take care of themselves. Yes,
I'm there to support, Yes I want to be a
good friend, but I have to acknowledge that if something
didn't work out, it is not my fault because we
have to take accountability. Right, we have to take accountability,
(20:23):
and to me, instead of apologizing, what became a healthier
solution was asking questions. So let's say that something didn't
go the way someone wanted it to. Instead of me
saying I'm so sorry, I'll sort it out, I'll be like, well,
how do you think it should have gone? What do
you think we could have done better? What is it
that you could have done and I could have done?
(20:44):
How could we have approached this better? I found that
replacing apologies with questions. Now again, I'm not saying when
you're at fault, don't say sorry, right, That's not what
I'm saying. I'm saying that, A, don't think everything is
your fault, and B when something feels like it's being
blamed on you, or it's coming back to you. It's like, well,
how should we deal with this? So going back to
(21:06):
that idea of someone being into you and you're feeling
like it's all your fault, saying well, let's navigate this better,
like how can we keep hanging out together if you're
still into me? You can't just not be into me tomorrow.
If you ask that question, that person now has to
think about it. Chances are they haven't thought about it.
Chances are in their head, they're still thinking they're gonna
get you, they're still gonna win you over, They're still
(21:28):
going to find a way to lure you into their
life if they're really into you, right, that's what they're thinking.
But when you ask the question and say, well, wait
a minute, how can we just hang out as friends?
Because you just told me you're into me and I'm
not going to change my mind about you, So how's
this going to work? And then all of a sudden
they have to say, oh, I'm not sure, like oh
it will be fine, and it's like, well, no, how
will it be fine? So asking questions is better than saying, look,
(21:50):
i'm so sorry, this is going to be tough for you,
but we'll figure it out and then you start consoling them.
This is huge, by the way, I hope, I hope
you're listening, and I hope that this is resonating with you.
The third trait is not communicating your needs. This is
a big one for people where we spend months go by,
even years go by, and we never felt like we
(22:13):
had an opinion or we never felt like we could
share our opinion, and then years later we said, well,
why never you asked me what I want? And the
person's like, well, you never said what you want. And
it's interesting because we think that if we don't communicate
what we want, then that person will be happy because
they'll get to do what they want. And often, if
you're around someone who's quite a leader, they will lead
(22:35):
with that way without even asking. But it's so important
that you take time daily to sit down just for
five minutes at the start of your day and five
minutes at the end of your day. At the five
minutes at the start of your day, ask yourself, what's
the one thing I need to do today to make
today feel like a great day. I ask myself this
(22:57):
every day, what's the one thing I need to do
today to make today feel like a great day. And
often the answer will be workout. Sometimes the answer will
be sleep early. Sometimes the answer will be have dinner
with friends. Sometimes the answer will be hang out with Radi.
Actually it's hang out with Radi pretty much every day,
but you know that that isn't always possible if we're traveling.
(23:18):
But the idea is, if you have that one question,
that one thing, you're communicating your needs to yourself. Communicating
your needs to yourself is the first step to a
healthy relationship with someone else. It's not that you don't
communicate your relation your needs to them, it's that we
don't communicate our needs to ourselves right we're not even aware.
(23:44):
So every day, sit down at the start of the
day five minutes reflect what's the one thing I need
to do today to make today a great day. And
at the end of each day, ask yourself, have I
done it yet? And what am I grateful for that
I did for myself, reminding yourself, closing that loop, because
too many of us don't even know what we want.
(24:05):
Number four signs of a people pleaser is that you
often feel rejected or left out. You feel like everyone
gets along, but somehow you're not getting along. And in
order to solve that feeling, you try and people please, you,
try and over deliver. You try and be there and
be everything and be around. And what I find for
(24:28):
this one is that we often feel rejected and left
out because we're trying to be part of a group
that we don't naturally fit into. There is a natural
group for all of us, all across the planet. For
some people, it's a club for some people, it's a
cycling group for some people. It's game night for some people.
(24:49):
But you know, we always want to be part of
that one group of friends. It's kind of like that
movie Mean Girls, if you remember it, and it's like
there are so many groups of friends at college or
at high school, but everyone wants to be part of
that one group because we think that that one group
is cooler, smarter, more attractive, more talented, and more beautiful,
whatever it may be. And the truth is that that
(25:12):
isn't necessarily our group, and that's okay, And even us
wanting to be in that group is inauthentic. And I
think that's what's so interesting. We think, oh my gosh,
they're so inauthentic. Because they don't want to be my friend.
And it's like, no, we're in authentic for wanting to
be at that party, for wanting to be in that
friend group, for wanting to be in that circle. So
the soul for this is find your group, find different
(25:35):
people for different things. I like to dabble in different
social circles and I have friends that I see in
different environments in different reasons, and that allows you to
live a truly authentic life because not all my friends
love football, not all my friends love game night, not
all my friends love hanging at the pool, not all
(25:56):
my friends love meditation, And it'll allows me to be
all of myself. And yes, there are a few people
who know me completely three sixty and that's beautiful. But
we're trying so hard to be part of one group
that we end up feeling rejected when there are so
many beautiful groups to be a part of and finding
(26:18):
our misfits. Right, it's like, let's be the misfits. Let's
find our community, rather than forcing ourselves into the community
that we suppose is more interesting, more cool, or more
relevant or or the place to be, which necessarily wouldn't
make us happier. Now, The fifth trait is you tend
(26:41):
to be agreeable, and this goes with the next one
sixth trait, which is you avoid conflict or tough conversations.
So listen to this. Thirty three percent of men said
they often mirrord the behavior of others in social situations
to make them comfortable. Thirty four percent of women say
the same. So you tend to be agreeable. Now, what's interesting.
(27:03):
The thing about this is agreeable doesn't just mean I
agree right. It's not just saying yes. It's not as
simple as that. What it actually is is if everyone's
gossiping in a circle, you feel it's okay to gossip,
even if you don't do that in order to fit in.
I fell into this trap with negativity. If I was
standing in a room and everyone was sharing something negative
that they are experiencing or something bad, I would join
(27:26):
in too, even though that's not really where I place
my energy. If everyone in a room is saying that
they don't like something, you feel scared to voice your opinion. Now,
sometimes it's safe to not voice your opinion. Of course,
you have to be in a safe space to truly
be unagreeable or disagreeable. But I find that we do
(27:47):
it in those ways where like I said, like, if
someone is being negative, we be negative. If someone gossips,
we gossip. If someone is being mean, we're mean, right Like,
we mirror that. And that's what a third of people
are saying, is that we mirror other people's behavior. And
what I found in this regard is we have to
(28:09):
learn to share our opinion without being combative. Right We
think that disagreeing has to be a debate. We think
that disagreeing has to be a dispute, but it doesn't.
A disagreement is different from a dispute. It's different from
a debate. It's different from deconstruction of an argument, right, Like,
(28:34):
you can share how you feel without being combative. How
do you do that though, So let's take that example
again of me feeling like I'm going to be negative
or I'm going to be gossipy. Silence, being quiet is
one of the best ways to share your opinion without
(28:57):
being combative. You're not on your high hole, you're not
guiding everyone. The preachy version never works, right like telling everyone, hey, guys,
we shouldn't be doing this like that doesn't go down well.
And so sometimes the best way of raising your voice
is being silent in the sense that you don't join in. Now,
(29:19):
if this is an issue you really care about. If
this is an issue that's really important, and you can
see people being really vocal about something that you don't
agree with, you fighting them doesn't actually change how they
feel about it. You're making them feel bad about what
they're saying. Doesn't make them change how they feel about it.
What makes someone change how they feel about how they
(29:41):
feel is when something is presented in such an awful,
thoughtful way that they are charmed and disarmed by it. Right,
if someone is shouting at you, or if someone's telling
you you're wrong, that doesn't change how you feel. What
changes how you feel is when someone proposes something with
(30:03):
so much humility, When someone proposes something with so much
peace and ease in their voice and their heart and
their eyes, and you think, huh, maybe they are right. Okay?
In this, like I said, relates to the next one,
which is you avoid conflicts or tough conversations. Two thirds
(30:24):
of Americans, including seventy percent of women and sixty three
percent of men, say they often go to great lengths
to avoid conflict. Now, I used to hate conflict and
I don't enjoy it. Definitely don't enjoy it. But I
used to avoid it so badly. I used to like,
be agreeable, be nice, be kind, just avoid the fight
and think that that's the right thing to do. And
(30:46):
what I realized is you don't have to get as
far as a fight. Actually, if you put off conflict
in tough conversations too many times, that's what leads to
a fight, Whereas if you're forward thinking, you can avoid
a fight by actually having a tough conversation up front.
The way that has helped me the most is practicing
and rehearsing tough conversations. The biggest mistake with conflicts and
(31:10):
tough conversations is that they are not practiced and not rehearsed,
and they happen spontaneously randomly when you're not in the
right mindset and not being articulate about what's going on.
So if I want to have a tough conversation, I
will make a list of notes to say, here is
what we're struggling with, here is the challenge, and here
(31:31):
is my solution. Notice how that is so different from
this is wrong. I just don't like how you feel
about this. You need to change. If I walk someone
through and I say, hey, these are the things I'm
struggling with. Here's how it's causing a challenge for me.
Here's the solution. What's your take? It transforms in if
you've practiced and rehearsed that, it changes the quality of
(31:54):
that conversation. Now, I want to share one more trait
with you. You don't want people to not like you
you so you'll be anything or do anything. Sixty four
percent of people say they often put other people's needs
first at the expense of their own. Now, this is
the root of it, the root of all of it
(32:15):
is we don't know who we are. We don't know
who we are, so we're happy to be anyone in
anything that anyone wants us to be. So how do
I find who I am? Like? How do you even
work on that? Like? What does that look like? Well?
I want you to spend time doing an activity that
I put at the beginning first chapter of my first book,
(32:37):
Think like a Monk. This activity asks you what are
your current values? How's the current mindsets or the ways
you think? Where did they come from? Did they come
from with parents, your family, your school, your teacher, society,
or yourself and do you still want them to be
your values. If you can do that activity in the
(32:58):
first chapter of Think like a Monk, what are your
current values, where did they come from? And do you
still want to keep those values? It will transform how
you realign with yourself. I want to thank you so
much for tuning in to today's podcast. I'm so grateful
to all of you who are sharing on Purpose with
your world. I am so thankful for all the reviews.
(33:20):
I saw all these reviews on Spotify that I didn't
even know were there. It's incredible to see just how
many of you have left beautiful reviews, which I'm so
so grateful for. I'm so thankful for, and honestly, I'm
just so grateful I got to meet so many of
you this year. I love bumping into you on the streets.
If you're an on Purpose listener, tell me you're on
Purpose listener, I want to give you a big hug
(33:41):
and I will see you again next week for another
episode or I know a lot of you are listening
every day. Thank you for those of you who have
made on Purpose a daily companion. Very grateful, see you soon.
Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain
(34:05):
has the autopilot engaged about ninety percent of the time,
and some psychologists estimate that we make about ninety percent
of our decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking. But unlike
an airline pilot, when we take our hands off the controls,
we don't usually end up where we want to go.
(34:28):
But don't worry. There's a simple way that we can
stay dialed in the next seven minutes are about intention
and adding direction to the choices you make in life.
I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now, before
we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths
(34:50):
to help us get centered, breathing in and breathing out,
inviting inward and releasing outward, opening up and settling in. Now,
(35:17):
let me tell you a story. Before I started high school,
if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was,
I'd have said art, no question. But then I met
mister Buckridge. He was an art teacher in my school.
Tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore
(35:38):
these red checked shirts and knit ties. I also remember
something mister Buckridge would do that really bugged me. At
least at first, He'd stroll around the room looking at
our work, and each time he'd stop at my desk
and ask me this question why, like, why had I
(35:59):
decided to use that color combination? I don't know, I'd say,
because it looks cool. Mister Buckrage would shake his head.
That's not a real reason. He always pushed me to
really think things through, to be clear about my choices,
and honestly, that's where I first learned the power and
(36:22):
the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout
my life, and it's one that can help you too.
When I left high school, art had gone from being
my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because
I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm
(36:43):
still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look
at the world through the lens of intention. And now today,
if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating
my office, at every step along the way, I know
my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on
(37:03):
a light in a dark room. We're no longer just
feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead,
we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures
that we're living with purpose instead of being driven by
unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions. That we're not living life
(37:27):
on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an
opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that
your actions align with your values and your priorities. Here's
a simple, yet profound exercise today. At each decision point
(37:48):
you encounter as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask
yourself why. Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision,
considering how many we actually make in a day, but
try to do it for a few hours. Why am
I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to
(38:09):
wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a
coffee on my way to work? And why did I
choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like because it's cool
or because I always do? We'll get the mister buckrage buzzer.
Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at
(38:32):
what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate
impacts your life. I know it may seem like a
little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the
controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And
with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we
(38:55):
turn to our meditation first. Yet, come comfortable wherever you
are and be purposeful about what that means for you
in this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything
just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate,
(39:22):
so eyes open or closed, and consider why you're making
that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can
keep flowing along with your natural rhythm, or mindfully breathe
(39:47):
a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on
your your breath, or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else,
(40:09):
like a sensation in your body or a sound in
the environment. Now, take a moment to think about your
day so far. Why are you where you are right now?
(40:34):
Why are you listening to the Daily Jay? Why are
you listening at this time of day, in this place?
And now let's open this up. How often do you
(40:56):
do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how
often would you say you're an autopilot as you moved
through life? When and where could you ask yourself why?
(41:17):
How could this transform your life for the better? Personally,
my wife for the Daily Jay is very clear, I'm
incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives.
I hope mister Buckrage would be proud. Thanks for being
(41:40):
here and I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
adding a really special offering onto the back of my
solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
free life. We dive into a range of topics and
the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,
(00:22):
so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
how busy you are. This week, we're talking about your
habits and how to develop better daily routines. Of course,
if you want to listen to The Daily Jay every day,
you can subscribe to Calm, So go to calm dot
com forward slash Jay for forty percent off your membership today.
(00:47):
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one
health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every
one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier,
and more healed. Now, guys, I'm back from tour. I'm
actually back, and I'm so excited to be back here
with you on our Friday workshops. Your support has been
(01:12):
incredible to me. So many of you, tens of thousands
of you came out to see me on tour, so
many of you. I got to hug and look into
your eyes and hold your hands, which I so deeply
wanted to do, and it was just an unbelievable shared experience.
But even over here on the podcast, you've been supporting
me through all the incredible episodes this year. We've had
(01:33):
Dr Joe Dispenser, We've had Kim Kardashian, We've had Lewis Hamilton,
Kevin Hart. It has been an incredible roster of guests,
and you keep sharing the episodes, you keep telling your
friends about them. You are allowing for this wisdom to
spread so fast, so far and so wide, and for that,
(01:54):
I am so deeply grateful to you. But I'm back
for these Friday workshops. Whether you're listening on a Friday
or any other day, I'm just happy that you're here.
And I just wanted to take a moment to say
just how thankful I am for all the engagement on Instagram,
on TikTok, for the sharing of the episodes. It's unbelievable
(02:15):
and I don't take it for granted. I value you
so so much. Keep it coming makes you leave a
review makes you tag me on Instagram and on TikTok.
I'm always looking out, I'm always commenting, I'm always replying
as much as I can. So thank you so much
for doing that. Now, today's topic is something that I
think a lot of us struggle with, a lot of
us deal with, and it's quite a tough one to
(02:38):
talk about because it's uncomfortable to recognize that a lot
of our behaviors, a lot of our traits, a lot
of our ways of being are defined by wanting to
be a people pleaser. How many of you already identify
(02:59):
as a peace people pleaser and feel uncomfortable or unhealthy
about what it is like to be one, And how
many of you are listening and you're thinking to yourself, well,
I don't know if I'm people pleaser. I've been hearing
about this term. I feel like I might be. I'm
not sure, and I want to have a healthier relationship
with it. And maybe there's some of you who are
(03:20):
like Jay, I've been a people pleaser for so long
it is wrecking my life. I need to fix it.
I need to figure it out. How do I do this? Now?
I want to start off by saying this. Whether you're
a people pleaser or you think you might be one,
it's natural. It's normal to want to see other people happy.
I don't think that's a bad thing. For wanting other
(03:41):
people to be happy, for wanting other people to be healthy,
for wanting people to feel good, for wanting people to
be joyful. That is a beautiful feeling that you should
always hold on to. I have that feeling. When I
was on stage, I was pouring all my energy out
into the audience, all my love, all my joy because
I wanted you to feel that. When I'm recording these episodes,
(04:04):
when I'm working hard every day to create this incredible
content that we get to do here add on purpose,
I'm pouring my heart into I'm pouring all my energy
into it because I want you to feel that when
you experience it. But here's the difference between people pleasing
(04:24):
and helping and serving people. People pleasing is where we
displease ourself In the process of pleasing others, we put
ourselves second to put others first. Actually, we put ourselves seventh.
(04:44):
By putting everyone else first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth,
we deprioritize what we truly are searching for by prioritizing
what other people want. What it basically means is that
when you're a people pleaser, you will even go to
the extent of disliking yourself for someone else to like you.
(05:11):
Let's just let that settle. A people pleaser is someone
who will go to the extent of even disliking themselves
in order for others to like them. So, when I'm
pouring out on stage, or I'm pouring out in these episodes,
or I'm trying to share my love through my books
or whatever it may be, I want to please you.
(05:32):
I want to make you happy. That's a beautiful mindset
to have, But I don't want to do it to
the extent that I end up hurting myself, that I
end up disliking myself, or I end up being frustrated
or overwhelmed with myself. Right, sometimes you want to make
someone so happy, but you get so stressed, you take
(05:53):
on so much overwhelm, you take on so much pressure,
and in the end of it, whether they're pleased on not,
you're just exhausted. We don't want to be in that position.
We don't want to be in a position where we
have no energy left to give to ourselves. That is
the difference between a people pleaser and someone who's trying
(06:14):
to serve, trying to help, trying to make an impact.
When you're living for people with purpose, it's different than
when you're living for people trying to please them. In
your purpose, you take care of yourself so you can
serve and help others. In people pleasing, you just try
(06:36):
and please others, hoping it makes you feel better. Right,
Notice that difference. So, and I've been there, by the way,
I remember being a full on people pleaser in thinking
it with service, being a martyr, thinking it was about sacrifice.
And what I didn't realize was that real purpose was
to take care of myself, to prioritize myself, to work
(06:58):
on myself, togize myself so that I could extend myself
to others. If you just focus on yourself and you
don't care about anyone else, that selfishness. If you only
focus on other people and not yourself, that's self sabotage
and self sacrifice. But if you work on yourself, if
(07:19):
you take care of your health, your mental health, your
physical health, your fitness, your finances, in order to be more,
give more, serve more for others. That's what we want
to get to. And I'm on this journey myself because
it's so easy to slip back into those old habits
of being a people pleaser. So today we're going to
talk about the key traits of people pleasers, and we're
(07:44):
going to talk about the transformation that we need to
make into people with purpose. Right. So I learned this
really interesting term from the National Health Institute, and it's
the word sociotropic. You might I've heard it before, but
socio tropic individuals, the National Health Institute says, are characterized
(08:06):
by an overvaluation of closeness and social acceptance in order
to boost low self esteem, while autonomous individuals base their
self esteem on achievement, independence, and control. So we all
know what autonomy looks, right, The independence, the healthy independence
(08:28):
of being able to have freedom to make decisions, to
make choices. Socio Tropic individuals are the opposite. They find
their worth in not having a choice, in giving up
their independence, in letting go of a personal pursuit, and
often end up as people pleases. Now, the Yugo of Pol,
(08:50):
ended in August twenty twenty two, says about half forty
seven percent of American adults believe that other people in
their life would definitely or probably describe them as a
people pleaser. Nearly half of us feel that other people
would describe us as a people pleaser. So you're not
(09:11):
alone when you feel this way. And among women, fifty
one percent believe others see them this way, and forty
two percent of men say the same. So we can
see that this is a challenge that a lot of
us have. It's something that a lot of us experience.
And again, I want to remind you, the challenge is
not that you want other people to be happy. Wanting
(09:32):
other people to be happy is a beautiful motive. It's
when you're willing to make yourself unhappy to make others
happy where there becomes a challenge. And what I mean
by that is when you really start destroying or deconstructing
your own identity, You start dissolving your own nature, your
(09:53):
own qualities and abilities, in order to make someone else
feel good. Now, among self identified people pleases in Yugov's poll,
thirty nine percent say being this way has made their
life harder. Being a people pleaser makes our life harder.
And I think you're here because you've experienced that you've
(10:15):
felt that in your own life where it can become
really difficult. Now why does it become difficult? I want
to walk you through these traits because I want us
to be conscious of the different ways in which we
behave when we're people pleasing. You may think it's like,
you know, you have low self esteem and you're always
just trying to make other people smile and laugh, and
(10:35):
those are parts of it. But I want to give
you a few new perspectives, hopefully reaffirming some of your
beliefs as well, so that you can be more conscious,
because the more conscious you are, the easier it is
to break through. Remember, all amendments in our life start
with awareness. You can't address something until you're aware of it.
(10:57):
Let me say that again. You can't address something. You
can't amend something until you're aware of it. And you're
only aware of it when you're aware of how differently
it shows up in your life. You're only aware of
it based on how deeply you know the intricacies and
the nuances of how it shows up in your life.
(11:20):
So here are the traits of being a people pleaser.
The first one is struggling to say no how many
times does someone message you and say, hey, do you
have a minute to catch up right now? You've got
like one hundred emails to look at. But you say yeah, sure,
and then you hesitate and you feel upset. Right, So,
what happens You pick up the call. That person starts
(11:44):
telling you their life story, starts telling you everything they're
struggling with, starts telling you about their challenges at work.
What happens next? You help them solve their problems. You
listen to them. In your head, you're being torn because
you also want to solve your own problems. Two hours later,
you come back to your one one hundred and fifty
nine emails, and all of a sudden, you're now frustrated
(12:04):
at yourself. You might even feel frustration towards them. I
think that's one of the most interesting things about being
a people pleaser is that not only then are you
upset at yourself, you actually become upset at them. You go, well,
why can't they be more conscientious? Like, why didn't they
think about my feelings? Why do they never ask about me?
Why do they never think about how I'm feeling what
(12:25):
I'm doing? Maybe I'm busy right now? Where else do
you struggle to say no. Maybe there's a family event
and maybe there's someone that you don't quite see I
toy at that family dinner, but when it comes to
the holiday, you always say yes. Maybe you struggle to
say no when your friends says, hey, do you want
to help me move this weekend? Or you know what,
(12:45):
can you organize this for our friends this year? And
all of a sudden you become team planner, event planner,
party planner, and you struggle to say no. We struggle
to say no because we're scared that it makes us
unlikable if we're useless. We're scared that if we are unuseful,
(13:08):
we are unlikable. We believe that we are only likable
if we're useful to others, that if we're of some requirement,
then that gives us significance. Now that's natural, right when
you think you offer something to someone, that's when you
feel significant. But you have to realize that the people
(13:28):
that love you in your life, they don't love you
because of your use of a requirement, of a need.
They love you because of who you are. They love
you as you are. We think saying no is us
closing the door and being liked. We think that's it.
They're going to think I'm useless. They're going to think
I'm unlikable. They're going to think that I'm not worth it,
and my only worth is if I can do something
(13:51):
for this person. Right, I know you can feel that
when I say it. I know you relate to that
when I say it, And in we keep saying yes
even when we can't take it anymore, to the point
that one day we've said so many yess that we
finally burst, we finally spill over. And then at that
(14:12):
point when everything's tipped over the edge, we then are
upset with that person for not noticing, for not feeling
how we were feeling. So how do we overcome this?
Learning to say no is probably the hardest thing ever. Right,
someone says, hey, do you want to come out tonight
and you say no, I'm not sure, and they say, oh,
(14:34):
stop being a loser, come out right like that kind
of attitude, Or hey, you know, we're thinking of planning
this trip that we're going on and you're like, oh, no,
I don't think I can go. I've got work priorities,
And it's like, oh, you're boring, right, Like we feel
that pressure. My wife and I sometimes feel that because
we go out to hang with our friends, but we're
their friends that want to go sleep by ten pm,
and so we're like leaving and they're like, oh, why
(14:56):
don't you watch a movie? And we're like, you know what,
really want to wake up early tomorrow night today? And
the number one thing is like, well, you know, why
do you need to do that? Like why can't you
just have fun? Now? As time's gone on, I've spent
less and less time with that. I don't have friends
that say that to me anymore, which is a beautiful thing.
And it's been really clear in guiding me as to
who likes me for who I am the way I am,
or who wants me to become more like them in
(15:19):
order for them to like me right? Think about that clearly.
Who likes me right for who I am the way
I am? I like sleeping at ten am. I like
we get up at six am. I like meditating in
the morning. I like getting sleep before midnight. Who likes
me that way for who I am the way I am?
Or who only likes me when I do things that
(15:40):
please them? People who like me for who I am
the way I am are so important to me compared
to those who want me to be like them for
them to like me. Right for some of those friends
who's like, well, if you don't stay up to watch
a movie like I like to, then I don't like
you as much. Right. If you're not going to be
the person who entertains me in this way, then I
(16:00):
don't like you as much. And learning to say no
is accepting that you may lose that person or that
person may distance themselves from you. And I think that's
what we're getting at here, is that we're actually developing
the ability to sit in the discomfort of someone not
(16:23):
liking us. The way to do this effectively is learn
to say no in a nice way. I think when
we first practiced this, we start learning to just say no.
We're like, no, I'm not coming, No, I can't make it.
And all of a sudden that person's like, well, why
are you being so abrupt? You literally were saying yes
until yesterday, and now you listen to a Jay Shaddy
episode and now you're just say no all the time. Right,
(16:45):
But it's like, no, let me say no in a
nice way. Let me give my explanation. You're not remember
giving an apology or a context for trying to make
them happy. But you're being honest. So I'll say to
a friend, I'll be like, you know what, I actually
did this this weekkend right. It was fourth of July,
last weekend. It was a big holiday weekend. I had
a lot of wonderful friends. I'd just come back into
(17:05):
town after my tour. Everyone's like, Jay, we want to
see you, want to hang out And I wanted to
see them too, And I said, you know what, I
literally just came off tour. I'm pretty exhausted. I just
need to spend a bit of a loan time this weekend.
And That's what I'm going to do. And I'll see
you as soon as I can. I would really appreciate
Thank you so much for understanding this in advance. And hey,
none of my friends were like, oh, Jay, you're so ungrateful,
(17:28):
Like why are you acting like that. Everyone's just like, Jay,
we get it. Let us know when you're free, right.
And so that's the kind of community you want to
surround yourself with. If someone's not reciprocating or responding to
your honesty and your communication in a healthy way, you
have to really ask yourself whether they're the right person
that you want to have in your life. Now. Number two,
(17:50):
which is linked to this, is a lot of us
constantly apologize, Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Oh, I'm
so sorry I did that almost so sorry, I can't
make this. I'm so sorry that it wasn't per I'm
so sorry. Right, we threw a dinner party, but we're
so sorry that it wasn't what people expected. We're always
over apologizing. How many of you find yourselves when you
(18:12):
don't know what to say, you just overapologize. Like, let's
say someone's into you, right, someone's been flirting with you,
someone's slid into your DM, someone's messaging you, someone's talking
to you. You're not into them. They tell you that
they're into you, and now you are telling them you're
not into them. But you're like, I'm so sorry, I'm
(18:33):
not into you, Like I feel so bad, like you know,
all that kind of stuff. And by the way, it's
great for you to have feelings for how they feel,
but we constantly make it feel like it's our fault. Right,
and now that you say no to them and they say, oh, well,
I still want to be friends, or like let's still
connect or let's still talk, and then we feel even
(18:55):
more sorry because then we want to spend time with
them because we want them to like us. But then
we're like, oh, wait a minute, I feel bad because
maybe I'm still teasing them, or maybe they're still into me,
or whatever it may be. And so now you're making
out like this was all your fault. How many times
have you made it out, be honest with me, how
many times have you made it out that it's all
your fault? How many times do you feel that way?
(19:17):
That's actually at the root of constantly apologizing. You constantly
apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they
had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your boss.
You feel like everything is all your fault. How many
of us walk around with that mindset that everything is
our fault, that in some way, if things aren't perfect,
it's our fault, That it's our problem, that we did
(19:37):
something wrong, that we made a mistake. Now, how do
we work on that? How do we stop thinking everything's
our fault? The biggest thing for me was to realize
that if someone was an adult, they had to take
responsibility for their actions, and I had to take responsibility
for mine. If we're adults now, if we're over eighteen
(19:59):
years years old, right, if you're over twenty one years old,
everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and
do what is right for themselves and take care of themselves. Yes,
I'm there to support, Yes I want to be a
good friend, but I have to acknowledge that if something
didn't work out, it is not my fault because we
have to take accountability. Right, we have to take accountability,
(20:23):
and to me, instead of apologizing, what became a healthier
solution was asking questions. So let's say that something didn't
go the way someone wanted it to. Instead of me
saying I'm so sorry, I'll sort it out, I'll be like, well,
how do you think it should have gone? What do
you think we could have done better? What is it
that you could have done and I could have done?
(20:44):
How could we have approached this better? I found that
replacing apologies with questions. Now again, I'm not saying when
you're at fault, don't say sorry, right, That's not what
I'm saying. I'm saying that, A, don't think everything is
your fault, and B when something feels like it's being
blamed on you, or it's coming back to you. It's like, well,
how should we deal with this? So going back to
(21:06):
that idea of someone being into you and you're feeling
like it's all your fault, saying well, let's navigate this better,
like how can we keep hanging out together if you're
still into me? You can't just not be into me tomorrow.
If you ask that question, that person now has to
think about it. Chances are they haven't thought about it.
Chances are in their head, they're still thinking they're gonna
get you, they're still gonna win you over, They're still
(21:28):
going to find a way to lure you into their
life if they're really into you, right, that's what they're thinking.
But when you ask the question and say, well, wait
a minute, how can we just hang out as friends?
Because you just told me you're into me and I'm
not going to change my mind about you, So how's
this going to work? And then all of a sudden
they have to say, oh, I'm not sure, like oh
it will be fine, and it's like, well, no, how
will it be fine? So asking questions is better than saying, look,
(21:50):
i'm so sorry, this is going to be tough for you,
but we'll figure it out and then you start consoling them.
This is huge, by the way, I hope, I hope
you're listening, and I hope that this is resonating with you.
The third trait is not communicating your needs. This is
a big one for people where we spend months go by,
even years go by, and we never felt like we
(22:13):
had an opinion or we never felt like we could
share our opinion, and then years later we said, well,
why never you asked me what I want? And the
person's like, well, you never said what you want. And
it's interesting because we think that if we don't communicate
what we want, then that person will be happy because
they'll get to do what they want. And often, if
you're around someone who's quite a leader, they will lead
(22:35):
with that way without even asking. But it's so important
that you take time daily to sit down just for
five minutes at the start of your day and five
minutes at the end of your day. At the five
minutes at the start of your day, ask yourself, what's
the one thing I need to do today to make
today feel like a great day. I ask myself this
(22:57):
every day, what's the one thing I need to do
today to make today feel like a great day. And
often the answer will be workout. Sometimes the answer will
be sleep early. Sometimes the answer will be have dinner
with friends. Sometimes the answer will be hang out with Radi.
Actually it's hang out with Radi pretty much every day,
but you know that that isn't always possible if we're traveling.
(23:18):
But the idea is, if you have that one question,
that one thing, you're communicating your needs to yourself. Communicating
your needs to yourself is the first step to a
healthy relationship with someone else. It's not that you don't
communicate your relation your needs to them, it's that we
don't communicate our needs to ourselves right we're not even aware.
(23:44):
So every day, sit down at the start of the
day five minutes reflect what's the one thing I need
to do today to make today a great day. And
at the end of each day, ask yourself, have I
done it yet? And what am I grateful for that
I did for myself, reminding yourself, closing that loop, because
too many of us don't even know what we want.
(24:05):
Number four signs of a people pleaser is that you
often feel rejected or left out. You feel like everyone
gets along, but somehow you're not getting along. And in
order to solve that feeling, you try and people please, you,
try and over deliver. You try and be there and
be everything and be around. And what I find for
(24:28):
this one is that we often feel rejected and left
out because we're trying to be part of a group
that we don't naturally fit into. There is a natural
group for all of us, all across the planet. For
some people, it's a club for some people, it's a
cycling group for some people. It's game night for some people.
(24:49):
But you know, we always want to be part of
that one group of friends. It's kind of like that
movie Mean Girls, if you remember it, and it's like
there are so many groups of friends at college or
at high school, but everyone wants to be part of
that one group because we think that that one group
is cooler, smarter, more attractive, more talented, and more beautiful,
whatever it may be. And the truth is that that
(25:12):
isn't necessarily our group, and that's okay, And even us
wanting to be in that group is inauthentic. And I
think that's what's so interesting. We think, oh my gosh,
they're so inauthentic. Because they don't want to be my friend.
And it's like, no, we're in authentic for wanting to
be at that party, for wanting to be in that
friend group, for wanting to be in that circle. So
the soul for this is find your group, find different
(25:35):
people for different things. I like to dabble in different
social circles and I have friends that I see in
different environments in different reasons, and that allows you to
live a truly authentic life because not all my friends
love football, not all my friends love game night, not
all my friends love hanging at the pool, not all
(25:56):
my friends love meditation, And it'll allows me to be
all of myself. And yes, there are a few people
who know me completely three sixty and that's beautiful. But
we're trying so hard to be part of one group
that we end up feeling rejected when there are so
many beautiful groups to be a part of and finding
(26:18):
our misfits. Right, it's like, let's be the misfits. Let's
find our community, rather than forcing ourselves into the community
that we suppose is more interesting, more cool, or more
relevant or or the place to be, which necessarily wouldn't
make us happier. Now, The fifth trait is you tend
(26:41):
to be agreeable, and this goes with the next one
sixth trait, which is you avoid conflict or tough conversations.
So listen to this. Thirty three percent of men said
they often mirrord the behavior of others in social situations
to make them comfortable. Thirty four percent of women say
the same. So you tend to be agreeable. Now, what's interesting.
(27:03):
The thing about this is agreeable doesn't just mean I
agree right. It's not just saying yes. It's not as
simple as that. What it actually is is if everyone's
gossiping in a circle, you feel it's okay to gossip,
even if you don't do that in order to fit in.
I fell into this trap with negativity. If I was
standing in a room and everyone was sharing something negative
that they are experiencing or something bad, I would join
(27:26):
in too, even though that's not really where I place
my energy. If everyone in a room is saying that
they don't like something, you feel scared to voice your opinion. Now,
sometimes it's safe to not voice your opinion. Of course,
you have to be in a safe space to truly
be unagreeable or disagreeable. But I find that we do
(27:47):
it in those ways where like I said, like, if
someone is being negative, we be negative. If someone gossips,
we gossip. If someone is being mean, we're mean, right Like,
we mirror that. And that's what a third of people
are saying, is that we mirror other people's behavior. And
what I found in this regard is we have to
(28:09):
learn to share our opinion without being combative. Right We
think that disagreeing has to be a debate. We think
that disagreeing has to be a dispute, but it doesn't.
A disagreement is different from a dispute. It's different from
a debate. It's different from deconstruction of an argument, right, Like,
(28:34):
you can share how you feel without being combative. How
do you do that though, So let's take that example
again of me feeling like I'm going to be negative
or I'm going to be gossipy. Silence, being quiet is
one of the best ways to share your opinion without
(28:57):
being combative. You're not on your high hole, you're not
guiding everyone. The preachy version never works, right like telling everyone, hey, guys,
we shouldn't be doing this like that doesn't go down well.
And so sometimes the best way of raising your voice
is being silent in the sense that you don't join in. Now,
(29:19):
if this is an issue you really care about. If
this is an issue that's really important, and you can
see people being really vocal about something that you don't
agree with, you fighting them doesn't actually change how they
feel about it. You're making them feel bad about what
they're saying. Doesn't make them change how they feel about it.
What makes someone change how they feel about how they
(29:41):
feel is when something is presented in such an awful,
thoughtful way that they are charmed and disarmed by it. Right,
if someone is shouting at you, or if someone's telling
you you're wrong, that doesn't change how you feel. What
changes how you feel is when someone proposes something with
(30:03):
so much humility, When someone proposes something with so much
peace and ease in their voice and their heart and
their eyes, and you think, huh, maybe they are right. Okay?
In this, like I said, relates to the next one,
which is you avoid conflicts or tough conversations. Two thirds
(30:24):
of Americans, including seventy percent of women and sixty three
percent of men, say they often go to great lengths
to avoid conflict. Now, I used to hate conflict and
I don't enjoy it. Definitely don't enjoy it. But I
used to avoid it so badly. I used to like,
be agreeable, be nice, be kind, just avoid the fight
and think that that's the right thing to do. And
(30:46):
what I realized is you don't have to get as
far as a fight. Actually, if you put off conflict
in tough conversations too many times, that's what leads to
a fight, Whereas if you're forward thinking, you can avoid
a fight by actually having a tough conversation up front.
The way that has helped me the most is practicing
and rehearsing tough conversations. The biggest mistake with conflicts and
(31:10):
tough conversations is that they are not practiced and not rehearsed,
and they happen spontaneously randomly when you're not in the
right mindset and not being articulate about what's going on.
So if I want to have a tough conversation, I
will make a list of notes to say, here is
what we're struggling with, here is the challenge, and here
(31:31):
is my solution. Notice how that is so different from
this is wrong. I just don't like how you feel
about this. You need to change. If I walk someone
through and I say, hey, these are the things I'm
struggling with. Here's how it's causing a challenge for me.
Here's the solution. What's your take? It transforms in if
you've practiced and rehearsed that, it changes the quality of
(31:54):
that conversation. Now, I want to share one more trait
with you. You don't want people to not like you
you so you'll be anything or do anything. Sixty four
percent of people say they often put other people's needs
first at the expense of their own. Now, this is
the root of it, the root of all of it
(32:15):
is we don't know who we are. We don't know
who we are, so we're happy to be anyone in
anything that anyone wants us to be. So how do
I find who I am? Like? How do you even
work on that? Like? What does that look like? Well?
I want you to spend time doing an activity that
I put at the beginning first chapter of my first book,
(32:37):
Think like a Monk. This activity asks you what are
your current values? How's the current mindsets or the ways
you think? Where did they come from? Did they come
from with parents, your family, your school, your teacher, society,
or yourself and do you still want them to be
your values. If you can do that activity in the
(32:58):
first chapter of Think like a Monk, what are your
current values, where did they come from? And do you
still want to keep those values? It will transform how
you realign with yourself. I want to thank you so
much for tuning in to today's podcast. I'm so grateful
to all of you who are sharing on Purpose with
your world. I am so thankful for all the reviews.
(33:20):
I saw all these reviews on Spotify that I didn't
even know were there. It's incredible to see just how
many of you have left beautiful reviews, which I'm so
so grateful for. I'm so thankful for, and honestly, I'm
just so grateful I got to meet so many of
you this year. I love bumping into you on the streets.
If you're an on Purpose listener, tell me you're on
Purpose listener, I want to give you a big hug
(33:41):
and I will see you again next week for another
episode or I know a lot of you are listening
every day. Thank you for those of you who have
made on Purpose a daily companion. Very grateful, see you soon.
Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain
(34:05):
has the autopilot engaged about ninety percent of the time,
and some psychologists estimate that we make about ninety percent
of our decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking. But unlike
an airline pilot, when we take our hands off the controls,
we don't usually end up where we want to go.
(34:28):
But don't worry. There's a simple way that we can
stay dialed in the next seven minutes are about intention
and adding direction to the choices you make in life.
I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now, before
we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths
(34:50):
to help us get centered, breathing in and breathing out,
inviting inward and releasing outward, opening up and settling in. Now,
(35:17):
let me tell you a story. Before I started high school,
if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was,
I'd have said art, no question. But then I met
mister Buckridge. He was an art teacher in my school.
Tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore
(35:38):
these red checked shirts and knit ties. I also remember
something mister Buckridge would do that really bugged me. At
least at first, He'd stroll around the room looking at
our work, and each time he'd stop at my desk
and ask me this question why, like, why had I
(35:59):
decided to use that color combination? I don't know, I'd say,
because it looks cool. Mister Buckrage would shake his head.
That's not a real reason. He always pushed me to
really think things through, to be clear about my choices,
and honestly, that's where I first learned the power and
(36:22):
the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout
my life, and it's one that can help you too.
When I left high school, art had gone from being
my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because
I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm
(36:43):
still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look
at the world through the lens of intention. And now today,
if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating
my office, at every step along the way, I know
my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on
(37:03):
a light in a dark room. We're no longer just
feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead,
we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures
that we're living with purpose instead of being driven by
unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions. That we're not living life
(37:27):
on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an
opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that
your actions align with your values and your priorities. Here's
a simple, yet profound exercise today. At each decision point
(37:48):
you encounter as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask
yourself why. Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision,
considering how many we actually make in a day, but
try to do it for a few hours. Why am
I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to
(38:09):
wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a
coffee on my way to work? And why did I
choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like because it's cool
or because I always do? We'll get the mister buckrage buzzer.
Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at
(38:32):
what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate
impacts your life. I know it may seem like a
little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the
controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And
with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we
(38:55):
turn to our meditation first. Yet, come comfortable wherever you
are and be purposeful about what that means for you
in this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything
just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate,
(39:22):
so eyes open or closed, and consider why you're making
that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can
keep flowing along with your natural rhythm, or mindfully breathe
(39:47):
a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on
your your breath, or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else,
(40:09):
like a sensation in your body or a sound in
the environment. Now, take a moment to think about your
day so far. Why are you where you are right now?
(40:34):
Why are you listening to the Daily Jay? Why are
you listening at this time of day, in this place?
And now let's open this up. How often do you
(40:56):
do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how
often would you say you're an autopilot as you moved
through life? When and where could you ask yourself why?
(41:17):
How could this transform your life for the better? Personally,
my wife for the Daily Jay is very clear, I'm
incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives.
I hope mister Buckrage would be proud. Thanks for being
(41:40):
here and I'll see you tomorrow.
Host
Jay Shetty
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