November 19, 2021 • 27 mins
A lasting relationship doesn't just thrive on love alone. It takes a lot of work… a lot of hard work from both partners.
It isn’t a simple walk in the park or a picnic at the beach. It’s about putting into heart the daily grind to make the relationship work while enjoying the feelings of happiness and being loved and appreciating your partner’s effort every single day.
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty enumerates the habits that make successful relationships work and last for a long time.
Sama Tea is now available! Go to http://samatea.com/onpurpose to order a box of Sama now and get access to our free live monthly tea parties, be the first to try out new tea flavors and receive a free exclusive download that shows my personal routine and rituals.
Key Takeaways:
- 00:00 Intro
- 02:55 The relationship habits of successful couple
- 03:54 Habit #1: Respect their value even if they have different values
- 09:14 Habit #2: Try to notice the small things
- 12:08 Habit #3: Encourage, not discourage each other
- 14:35 Habit #4: Have a balance between time together, time alone, time with friends
- 17:59 Habit #5: They argue about the issue not each other
- 20:56 Habit #6: Think about how your decisions affect your partner
- 22:40 Habit #7: Know the difference between your trauma and the issue
- 25:18 Habit #8: Commit to rituals and new experiences
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
In an unhealthy relationship, people argue about each other. You're
the one getting everything wrong. You're the one who needs
to take responsibility. You're the one to blame. You don't
get anything right. You are wasting my time. You have
lied to me. We think that the other person is
our enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change,
(00:21):
when actually the biggest thing is we need to argue
about the issue. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to
each and every one of you that come back every
week to listen, learn, and grow. I am so deeply
(00:45):
looking forward to sharing this week's episode with you. I
have been blown away. I've bumped into so many of
you recently, whether I'm walking around town or even whether
it's on my travels, and truly it has been so
wonderful to hear your stories and journeys with the podcast.
But until I bump into you, I'm going to keep
(01:05):
reading reviews. And this one is from sun Jay. I've
never seen you in real life, yet every time I
hear your voice, I feel as if a good, loving
friend is coming to give me the support I need.
I can feel the love in your voice and your
words have been helping me so much through my healing journey.
Thank you so much for being you and sharing all
(01:26):
this amazing knowledge and love with us. That message just
melted my heart. Thank you so much for saying that.
It means the world to me that you can hear
and feel how passionate I am about everything I do
through this podcast. This one is from Nicole Jay. Your
episodes are always very impactful. Every morning, my two year
(01:49):
old daughter, my newborn son, and I listen to your podcast.
It's always very inspiring and motivating to listen to advice
and for my kids to listen to impactful words. Keep
being an inspiration to all. Thank you so so much,
and I'm going to read one more. So difficult to pick.
There's so many amazing ones here. I really really appreciate it.
(02:14):
This one is from Dan Wow. Jay. Each episode hits
in a different way, but always exactly what I need.
You're an absolute genius. I really appreciate that. Thank you.
I've got to express enough how grateful I am for
you serving your community with on purpose. You've opened my
eyes to many new concepts and reminded me of things
I already knew but forgot along the way. This podcast
(02:35):
is an essential part of my growth journey and has
become a habit to listen to weekly. Thank you, Dan.
I know that one goes on further, and I just
want to say I am just blessed to have an
amazing community like you. I don't take each of you
for granted at all. I feel the opposite. I feel
humbled and grateful that I get to spend this time
with you. And today's theme is all about the relationship
(02:58):
habits of successful and happy couples. Now, whether you're single,
whether you just started dating, whether you've been in a
relationship for a few years, or whether you're in a
really long term relationship, this podcast applies to you because
these rules, these habits are things that we have to
continue to nurture. Maybe some of these are going to
(03:19):
be new discoveries, maybe some of them are going to
be refining what you already know, and maybe some of
them are just going to be things you're already doing.
But it's so important to create that assurance in our lives. Now.
As always, I'll be sharing the science behind some of
these reasons as well, because I really believe it's important
to give you some research to back some of these ideas,
(03:41):
but I also will be sharing stories as I love
to do, and I'll be giving you strategies and steps
along the way so that you can actually put these
into your life. So if you're ready, I'm going to
start on the first one. And the first one is
respect their values even if they have different values. Respect
(04:03):
their values even if they have different values. That is
a really interesting concept. You do not have to value
what they value. You don't have to value the same
thing or same things. You don't even have to have
the same values. Now, I do want to add a
(04:24):
caveat that, if someone is doing something completely against your values,
of course that is a time to leave. That is
a time to move on. But overall, we're often told
that couples have things in common and they like the
same things, and they like to do the same things,
and of course that is all helpful and useful, But
the truth is that as time goes on, you start
(04:46):
to realize you have a lot more differences than you
had in the first month, and it's really important to
remember to respect their values even if they have different values.
The best thing to do here is to write down
a list of your top three values and ask the
person to write down a top three list of their values.
What are the three things that matter to them most
(05:06):
in the world. And you could do one for people
and the other for projects or things in their life,
or passions or hobbies or interests. So if someone asked
me what were my three values in life? Of course
my people would include rather my family, my sister, and
my spiritual teachers. And if I was to look at
(05:26):
my three priorities in my life from a professional point
of view, would be my purpose, which I get to
share with you all the time. It would also be
time alone is something that I really value and prioritize.
And I would also add to that football. I love soccer.
I'm addicted to it. I wish I could watch it more,
I wish I could play it more. But it is
a big passion in my life. And so understanding those
(05:50):
values is really key because you start realizing that your
partner is not going to value your values. They just
have to respect them, and you don't have to value
their values, You just have to respect them. When you
show respect in this way, it is received more deeply.
What does it mean to respect someone's values? It means
(06:12):
that you want to help them prioritize those things. It
means you want to help them give more energy and
emphasis to those things. What we try and do is
we try and steal our partner's attention away from their priorities,
and we want to be their priority. We want to
be everything to them, and so we're trying to steal
their attention often away from what's really important to them
(06:35):
because we want to be more important to them. What
we don't realize is their passion is what makes them
who they are. Their priorities is what makes them who
they are. That person becomes more lovable, they become more
attractive when they feel full. Now, of course you have
to be mindful, is their passion an excuse to avoid
(06:55):
time with you, is their interest in another person or
people because they don't enjoy time with you. This is
something you have to clarify and communicate. It's not something
you assume. Often we assume when people choose to spend
time late in the office that it's because they don't
value us. We take that as an indication as a sign,
when actually, if you ask them, they may say when actually,
(07:18):
I'm working late in the office because I want to
save up more for a vacation this year, or I've
been doing overtime because I want to be able to
take a bit of a break for the family this year.
Now you may say, well, they should have asked me
as well, if that's what I care about. Maybe I
don't care about that. Maybe I do care about them
coming home from work early. But don't be the one
to assume. Don't be the one to allow that to
(07:42):
just go on. Otherwise we get into this battle of well,
you did this, so I did this, so I didn't ask,
and you didn't ask, and guess what, a few years
later we feel really truly disconnected. So be that person
who says, hey, I want to understand this a bit more.
I want to get a heap of thought around this.
Can you please explain to me why you've been going
(08:04):
to the office lake. Can you please tell me a
bit about what you're working on. What are you excited about.
When we ask questions that don't have judgment and don't
have guilt in built into a question, we actually get
better answers. If you ask someone why are you always
late from work? What's going to happen? They're on the defensive.
(08:26):
They're not feeling a sense of respect, and now you
actually don't get a good response. You may actually trigger
a reaction within them and you don't get the right
answerhereas if you said, hey, what have you been working
on late at the office? Anything exciting, and they may say, Hey,
I've just been trying to stay because I just want
to make a bit of money. I just want to
save up a bit more this year, or I've been
(08:47):
really nervous about my job and I'm scared that people
are being made redundant or losing their promotions. So I
just want to make sure that doesn't happen to us.
When you ask a question, we trust you receive a
true answer. When you ask a question in built with
guilt a judgment, you don't get an answer that truly
(09:07):
helps you. So respect their values, even if they have
different values. The second principle I want to share with
you today, and this is a simple one and you've
probably heard it before, and it's something we don't do
enough of, is try to notice the small things. We
think it's about the big birthday party, we think it's
(09:31):
about the big weekend away we save up to make
Christmas really special, but we forget to thank someone for
the beautiful breakfast they made us this morning. We forget
to notice that someone looks incredible today. We forget to
notice that someone put away our mess. It's these little things,
(09:52):
these small moments on a day to day basis, that
define the quality of a relationship. A relationship is not
defined by grand gestures of love. It's defined by the
ability to notice and spot the tiniest moments of brilliance,
the smallest exchanges of love and emotion, the fact that
(10:15):
someone sat there and listen to you. These are the
things that every single human yearns for. Now, if you're
doing all of this and someone still expecting you to
do the big stuff and not feeling loved because you
don't do the big, grand gestures, you've got to really
look at that and think whether you want to be
in that relationship. But chances are most of us are
(10:37):
trying to make up for the fact that we miss
the small things by doing the big things. We think, well,
if I do this big thing, it will I are
now all the small mistakes right. It will take care
of all the small challenges that I've done that I
haven't done, all the things that I missed out from tomorrow.
I want you to start thanking your partner for one
(11:00):
thing a day, just one thing. It doesn't have to
be everything, it doesn't have to be every moment. It
just has to be one thing a day. Get into
that habit and make it a different thing every day.
Don't make it the same thing. When we lived as monks,
we used to have to walk around this pathway and
every day we'd be asked to find something new. One
(11:21):
day we had to find a new stone. The next
day we had to find another stone. The next day
we had to find a flower, and the next day
another flower. And in this way we trained our mind
to walk the same path, but find a new stone
every day. Isn't this what we have to do in
our relationships. We have to sit with the same person,
we have to eat with the same person, we sleep
(11:43):
with the same person, but we notice something new. That
practice of mindfulness actually improves our brain, it improves our emotions.
It's easy to find new in new It's challenging and
beautiful to find new in the old or the familiar,
and actually that keeps our experience ever fresh. The third
(12:09):
thing that I want you to do, which is a
huge one of successful couples is that they encourage, not
discourage each other. RADI is so fun to watch right now.
She has so many amazing projects coming away, so many
exciting opportunities. And as someone who's been in this world
for a while now, it's very easy to be cynical.
(12:32):
And I know this where I've had excitement and enthusiasm
about certain things. But I know people have been in
the industry far longer than I have and their cynical.
So sometimes rather we'll share an idea with me and
I have to stop my cynicism, have to be excited
for her, I have to be enthusiastic. I can warn her,
I can be conscious, I can be cautious about it.
But often what we try and do is we try
(12:52):
and discourage people because we've had a bad experience. We
try and discourage our partner because we want to show
them that we know more, we've thought about it. We
try to discourage our partner because we see their bumbling enthusiasm,
but we think that they're not smart enough, or they're
not organized enough, or they're not planned enough. Let's start
to truly encourage our partners when they receive an opportunity.
(13:15):
When we don't encourage. When we don't celebrate, When we
don't recognize how beautiful and powerful this opportunity is, we're
actually taking away love and connection out of our relationship.
I'm not saying that we have to celebrate every tiny thing,
but how often do we discourage our partners because we
(13:36):
don't feel comfortable about something they're doing. How often are
we not celebratory because we feel we haven't celebrated ourselves.
Sometimes we think, well, why are they so excited about that?
I mean, I didn't more than that, and I didn't
get excited about it. Why are they so excited about it?
Start from tomorrow. When your partner says something to you,
(14:00):
allow yourself to move aside your projection, your prediction. Be encouraging,
being enthusiastic. Of course, share the insight, of course, share
what you think they need to know in this process,
but don't let your ego get in the way of
truly encouraging them. Our ego stops us from encouraging the
(14:21):
people we love. Our ego blocks us from encouraging the
people we love. We try to warn them and we're saying, well,
we're doing it for them, but really, there's a part
of us. That's warning ourselves as well. The fourth principle
is having a balance between time together, time alone, time
(14:44):
with your friends, and time with collective friends. Notice how
there is a lot going on there. So in an
average week and average month, we're going to have to
spend time alone. We have to spend time of each other.
We have time with our own friends, and we have
time with friends together. Now when I think about this,
(15:05):
I start thinking of ratios that may be helpful. So
let's take a week, and of course, in a week,
you're not going to do all of these things, but
giving you an idea, Let's say in a week, you
spend one night alone. That's really healthy to have one
night for yourself. You can use it to do whatever
you want. It maybe to play games. It maybe to
(15:28):
read a book. It maybe to watch your favorite TV show.
It maybe to be working late. You get one night
to yourself. Then you spend three nights together. Three nights
are connected time. Maybe you watch a show together, maybe
you go for a walk, maybe you go to the gym,
maybe you play a game. We have three nights that
are dedicated to each other. You have two nights that
(15:48):
you spend with collective friends. Couples that you enjoy time with.
Now there's something really important here. Studies show that couples
that are friends with other people who are in a
happy relationships. This was research and interviews done by the
University of Maryland that found that healthy couple friendships have
potential to make relationships more exciting and more fulfilling by
(16:12):
increasing attraction, providing a greater understanding of men and women
in general. So it gives you perspective and allowing partners
to observe the way other couples interact and negotiate differences.
It did go on to say that topics like sex
and money were less comfortable to be discussed in these arenas,
and those were more for personal interactions, but other conversation
(16:34):
topics flourished in these happy couple scenarios. And finally, you
may have one day a week that you spend with
your own friends. Now this is just a sample of
what I'm sharing with you. So in a week, you
spend one day alone, you spend three days together, two
days with friends that you know evenings, and then one
day with your own friends right apart. And this creates
(16:57):
a great sense of a system or structure. What I
like about this is your partner is naturally the priority
for those three days in a week, three out of
seven days are dedicated to your partner, but you also
get one day to decompressed by yourself. You get two
days to be with collective friends, so you're still together,
but you're getting to experience other people's energy, and then
(17:19):
you get one day to be with your own friend
to decompress in a different way. This is just a sample,
and I'm recommending it because it starts giving you a
flow of how to think about it. Often we feel
that prioritizing our relationship means we have to be together
six days a week, have to be together five days
a week. But often that actually starts becoming boring. We
run out of ideas, we run out of things to do,
(17:39):
we run out of energy to bring to the relationship.
Creating diversity in our weeks, months, and years allows for
us to actually bring more back to our relationships. We
have to go and borrow ideas, borrow energy, feel that
contagious spirit, and bring it back into our relationship. Now,
the fifth step that successful and happy couples do is
(18:02):
that they argue about the issue, not each other, in
an unhealthy relationship. People argue about each other. You're the
one getting everything wrong. You're the one who needs to
take responsibility. You're the one to blame. You don't get
anything right. You are wasting my time. You have lied
to me. We think that the other person is our
(18:26):
enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change, when
actually the biggest thing is we need to talk about
the issue. We need to argue about the issue. Julie
Gerner is a doctor of psychology, and she recommends that
we keep the fights fair. She says, when you fight fair,
you keep your dispute focused on the topic without devolving
(18:47):
into personal attacks. So if you're arguing about money and
how money is used, it's not about how the other
person uses money, it's about how you both should want
to use money. Right. If you're arguing about the cleanliness
and the home, it's not just about the other person's
cleanliness standards, because you probably have a challenge too, but
it's about what level of standard you want to create
together to create the right movement forward and arguing is
(19:11):
necessary and healthy. There's a great book called You Are
Not Crazy. Letters from your Therapist, and in it it's
as similar to working out a muscle. If you can
effectively survive tears in your marriage and then repair them,
then it makes the relationship stronger. Most of us think, well,
I can't be bothered to repair this tear, But it's
the repairing of the tear that actually makes it stronger.
(19:35):
So if you've had a few tears, don't throw it away,
don't write it off. You can still repair that relationship. Now,
how do you do that? How do you do that?
The way you do it is you say to yourself
and your partner, when you're not fighting, let's always remind
each other to focus on the issue. Now, when I'm
(19:56):
about to bring an issue up to you, let's make
sure it's the issue and not you are the issue.
So let's say that you're upset that your partners spent
a lot of money this month on dinners and you
both had made a pack to not do that. You've
got two options. You either say, well, look, you wasted it,
you broke our pact. All you say, hey, is the
pack not working for you? I wanted to understand if
(20:19):
we can do something that's going to help us both
understand what our goals and priorities are. Look at the
difference in that conversation. Half the time, it's not what
we say, it's how we say it. We've heard that
a million times, right, but it's so true. Half the
time we put our partner on the defensive before we've
even spoken about the issue. And now what are we
(20:39):
talking about? Well, last year you wasted money on those
Christmas peasants for your family. Well, two years ago when
you were broke, I carried you. Right, Look what ends
up happening. We're already in a place we don't want
to be in argue about the issue, not each other.
Step number six. This one's been a huge one for
me and I think as we grow up as independent
(21:00):
adults and independent thinkers, this is sometimes something that we
don't think about effectively. And I'll explain how to do
it as well. Step number six is think about how
your decisions affect your partner. This doesn't mean you shouldn't
make decisions that may affect your partner in a convenience sense,
(21:23):
but you have to think about it. When I get
invited to travel for work, I know I want to
do it because I'm passionate about my work, but I
do think about how that's going to affect rather, And
so I'll say to Raley, I've got this opportunity. Maybe
this is a time when you want to go visit home,
maybe you want to spend time with friends. I just
want you to know, so you have enough time to plan.
If I don't think about her and I just plan
(21:44):
it and then it comes to the day and I
tell her on the day, what have I done. I've
removed an opportunity for her to do what's important to her.
Think about how your decisions affect your partner and have
a healthy discussion about it. Often when we make decision,
we've been thinking about it for five months and we
share it to them in five minutes, and we expect
(22:05):
them to understand what we've been thinking about for five
months in five minutes. You can't do that. You have
to give someone time to catch up to your way
of thinking. If you spend five months deciding to quit
your job, and when you share it in five minutes
with your partner, you expect them to understand it. They
won't bring them along for the journey. Give them space
(22:28):
and time to process it for themselves if that's what's
going to take, but don't expect them to understand something
that they've heard for five minutes that you've been thinking
about for five months. Step number seven is know the
difference between your trauma and the issue. Know the difference
(22:49):
between your expectation and your partner being wrong. This is
probably the hardest but the most incredible skill. I'll give
you an example. If your expectation of how your wife
should be a mother is based on how your mother was,
that's you bringing your expectation and your past into what's
(23:11):
right for your partner. Most of us don't even think
about this. Our expectations of our partners are based on
how our parents were, and so we expect our partners
to be as good as our parents, or maybe better
than our parents, or whatever it may have been. So
much of the time we act with our partners in
a way because of a gap that our parents had
with us. Are you bringing your trauma into your relationship?
(23:36):
Knowing the difference is so important. Me and Rather have
had to really work on this when we're bringing our expectation. So,
for example, Rathery's father is this amazing human who I
adore to. I love him, and he's helpful around the home.
He's helpful in the kitchen, and he's an entrepreneur and successful,
and rather he was thankfully aware of this, and she
(23:57):
never expected me. She knew I wouldn't be helpful in
the kitchen, useless. But if she expects me to be
everything her father is, that becomes really difficult. Sometimes we
think our partners are wrong, when all it is that
our expectation is wrong, and there's an assumption again, and
our assumptions and expectations of our partners actually make the
(24:18):
relationship weaker. How can you take some time to recognize this?
It has been established that for every negative encounter, at
least five positive encounters are needed, says doctor av This
is another relationship tip from doctor John Gottman, known as
the magic ratio. So if you've had an interaction where
(24:38):
you brought a bit of trauma, you bought your past,
you bought your expectation, make sure you have five positive
encounters for every negative encounter. It's great account. It's great
to think about it, just like you would at work.
If you've had a bad meeting with someone, you want
to have a good meeting with them when you want
to have five great interactions here, but start to notice
where are your expectations of your partner actually coming from
(25:03):
your parents? Where are your expectations of your partner coming
from what your friends said to you? Maybe a friend
said to you, Oh, he should do this or she
should do that. But is it truly yours? Do you
really believe it? Do you really think that's the only way?
Step number eight and our final habit is commit to
rituals and new experiences. Doing the same things again builds
(25:25):
a deeper bond, and trying out new things together builds
a deeper bond. When you're doing new things together, you
want to try things that are new for both of
you so that you're both beginners. You're both really getting
to share a unique and new experience. Usually as couples,
we do what one of the people likes. Oh, you
like this, I'll come along. Oh that's important to you,
I'll come along. What ends up happening there is you're
(25:45):
trying to see things through your partner's eyes. Instead of
trying to see things through your partner's eyes, both of
you get to see things through your own eyes for
the first time. This is what a new, unique experience
has made of And the other thing is to commit
to daily rituals. Now this One's a fun one which
I read from an article by doctor av and it
(26:09):
said that hugging for as little as six seconds can
make you feel close. The emphasis is on the actual
hug lasting six seconds, as there are studies indicating that
if a hugging embrace is maintained for at least six seconds,
it is enough time for oxytocin in the brain to
be released. Of course, feel free to hug for as
long as you like, but make that connection meaningful for
(26:30):
RADI and I. You know we launched Psalma tea, and
I know you will have all been loving it and
drinking it. We launched it because it was our ritual together.
We sat down for seven to twelve minutes a day
and had tea. Being able to do that every single
day brills a sense of commitment, connection, bonding. I hope
that these eight steps have helped you massively today. I
can't wait to see you put them into practice. I'm
(26:52):
so excited to see how your relationships develop when you
actually put these habits into reality. I hope you enjoyed
this episode. Make sure you share your insights on Instagram,
on Twitter, on Facebook, on TikTok, wherever you're listening and
I will see you again next week. Thank you.
In an unhealthy relationship, people argue about each other. You're
the one getting everything wrong. You're the one who needs
to take responsibility. You're the one to blame. You don't
get anything right. You are wasting my time. You have
lied to me. We think that the other person is
our enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change,
(00:21):
when actually the biggest thing is we need to argue
about the issue. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to
each and every one of you that come back every
week to listen, learn, and grow. I am so deeply
(00:45):
looking forward to sharing this week's episode with you. I
have been blown away. I've bumped into so many of
you recently, whether I'm walking around town or even whether
it's on my travels, and truly it has been so
wonderful to hear your stories and journeys with the podcast.
But until I bump into you, I'm going to keep
(01:05):
reading reviews. And this one is from sun Jay. I've
never seen you in real life, yet every time I
hear your voice, I feel as if a good, loving
friend is coming to give me the support I need.
I can feel the love in your voice and your
words have been helping me so much through my healing journey.
Thank you so much for being you and sharing all
(01:26):
this amazing knowledge and love with us. That message just
melted my heart. Thank you so much for saying that.
It means the world to me that you can hear
and feel how passionate I am about everything I do
through this podcast. This one is from Nicole Jay. Your
episodes are always very impactful. Every morning, my two year
(01:49):
old daughter, my newborn son, and I listen to your podcast.
It's always very inspiring and motivating to listen to advice
and for my kids to listen to impactful words. Keep
being an inspiration to all. Thank you so so much,
and I'm going to read one more. So difficult to pick.
There's so many amazing ones here. I really really appreciate it.
(02:14):
This one is from Dan Wow. Jay. Each episode hits
in a different way, but always exactly what I need.
You're an absolute genius. I really appreciate that. Thank you.
I've got to express enough how grateful I am for
you serving your community with on purpose. You've opened my
eyes to many new concepts and reminded me of things
I already knew but forgot along the way. This podcast
(02:35):
is an essential part of my growth journey and has
become a habit to listen to weekly. Thank you, Dan.
I know that one goes on further, and I just
want to say I am just blessed to have an
amazing community like you. I don't take each of you
for granted at all. I feel the opposite. I feel
humbled and grateful that I get to spend this time
with you. And today's theme is all about the relationship
(02:58):
habits of successful and happy couples. Now, whether you're single,
whether you just started dating, whether you've been in a
relationship for a few years, or whether you're in a
really long term relationship, this podcast applies to you because
these rules, these habits are things that we have to
continue to nurture. Maybe some of these are going to
(03:19):
be new discoveries, maybe some of them are going to
be refining what you already know, and maybe some of
them are just going to be things you're already doing.
But it's so important to create that assurance in our lives. Now.
As always, I'll be sharing the science behind some of
these reasons as well, because I really believe it's important
to give you some research to back some of these ideas,
(03:41):
but I also will be sharing stories as I love
to do, and I'll be giving you strategies and steps
along the way so that you can actually put these
into your life. So if you're ready, I'm going to
start on the first one. And the first one is
respect their values even if they have different values. Respect
(04:03):
their values even if they have different values. That is
a really interesting concept. You do not have to value
what they value. You don't have to value the same
thing or same things. You don't even have to have
the same values. Now, I do want to add a
(04:24):
caveat that, if someone is doing something completely against your values,
of course that is a time to leave. That is
a time to move on. But overall, we're often told
that couples have things in common and they like the
same things, and they like to do the same things,
and of course that is all helpful and useful, But
the truth is that as time goes on, you start
(04:46):
to realize you have a lot more differences than you
had in the first month, and it's really important to
remember to respect their values even if they have different values.
The best thing to do here is to write down
a list of your top three values and ask the
person to write down a top three list of their values.
What are the three things that matter to them most
(05:06):
in the world. And you could do one for people
and the other for projects or things in their life,
or passions or hobbies or interests. So if someone asked
me what were my three values in life? Of course
my people would include rather my family, my sister, and
my spiritual teachers. And if I was to look at
(05:26):
my three priorities in my life from a professional point
of view, would be my purpose, which I get to
share with you all the time. It would also be
time alone is something that I really value and prioritize.
And I would also add to that football. I love soccer.
I'm addicted to it. I wish I could watch it more,
I wish I could play it more. But it is
a big passion in my life. And so understanding those
(05:50):
values is really key because you start realizing that your
partner is not going to value your values. They just
have to respect them, and you don't have to value
their values, You just have to respect them. When you
show respect in this way, it is received more deeply.
What does it mean to respect someone's values? It means
(06:12):
that you want to help them prioritize those things. It
means you want to help them give more energy and
emphasis to those things. What we try and do is
we try and steal our partner's attention away from their priorities,
and we want to be their priority. We want to
be everything to them, and so we're trying to steal
their attention often away from what's really important to them
(06:35):
because we want to be more important to them. What
we don't realize is their passion is what makes them
who they are. Their priorities is what makes them who
they are. That person becomes more lovable, they become more
attractive when they feel full. Now, of course you have
to be mindful, is their passion an excuse to avoid
(06:55):
time with you, is their interest in another person or
people because they don't enjoy time with you. This is
something you have to clarify and communicate. It's not something
you assume. Often we assume when people choose to spend
time late in the office that it's because they don't
value us. We take that as an indication as a sign,
when actually, if you ask them, they may say when actually,
(07:18):
I'm working late in the office because I want to
save up more for a vacation this year, or I've
been doing overtime because I want to be able to
take a bit of a break for the family this year.
Now you may say, well, they should have asked me
as well, if that's what I care about. Maybe I
don't care about that. Maybe I do care about them
coming home from work early. But don't be the one
to assume. Don't be the one to allow that to
(07:42):
just go on. Otherwise we get into this battle of well,
you did this, so I did this, so I didn't ask,
and you didn't ask, and guess what, a few years
later we feel really truly disconnected. So be that person
who says, hey, I want to understand this a bit more.
I want to get a heap of thought around this.
Can you please explain to me why you've been going
(08:04):
to the office lake. Can you please tell me a
bit about what you're working on. What are you excited about.
When we ask questions that don't have judgment and don't
have guilt in built into a question, we actually get
better answers. If you ask someone why are you always
late from work? What's going to happen? They're on the defensive.
(08:26):
They're not feeling a sense of respect, and now you
actually don't get a good response. You may actually trigger
a reaction within them and you don't get the right
answerhereas if you said, hey, what have you been working
on late at the office? Anything exciting, and they may say, Hey,
I've just been trying to stay because I just want
to make a bit of money. I just want to
save up a bit more this year, or I've been
(08:47):
really nervous about my job and I'm scared that people
are being made redundant or losing their promotions. So I
just want to make sure that doesn't happen to us.
When you ask a question, we trust you receive a
true answer. When you ask a question in built with
guilt a judgment, you don't get an answer that truly
(09:07):
helps you. So respect their values, even if they have
different values. The second principle I want to share with
you today, and this is a simple one and you've
probably heard it before, and it's something we don't do
enough of, is try to notice the small things. We
think it's about the big birthday party, we think it's
(09:31):
about the big weekend away we save up to make
Christmas really special, but we forget to thank someone for
the beautiful breakfast they made us this morning. We forget
to notice that someone looks incredible today. We forget to
notice that someone put away our mess. It's these little things,
(09:52):
these small moments on a day to day basis, that
define the quality of a relationship. A relationship is not
defined by grand gestures of love. It's defined by the
ability to notice and spot the tiniest moments of brilliance,
the smallest exchanges of love and emotion, the fact that
(10:15):
someone sat there and listen to you. These are the
things that every single human yearns for. Now, if you're
doing all of this and someone still expecting you to
do the big stuff and not feeling loved because you
don't do the big, grand gestures, you've got to really
look at that and think whether you want to be
in that relationship. But chances are most of us are
(10:37):
trying to make up for the fact that we miss
the small things by doing the big things. We think, well,
if I do this big thing, it will I are
now all the small mistakes right. It will take care
of all the small challenges that I've done that I
haven't done, all the things that I missed out from tomorrow.
I want you to start thanking your partner for one
(11:00):
thing a day, just one thing. It doesn't have to
be everything, it doesn't have to be every moment. It
just has to be one thing a day. Get into
that habit and make it a different thing every day.
Don't make it the same thing. When we lived as monks,
we used to have to walk around this pathway and
every day we'd be asked to find something new. One
(11:21):
day we had to find a new stone. The next
day we had to find another stone. The next day
we had to find a flower, and the next day
another flower. And in this way we trained our mind
to walk the same path, but find a new stone
every day. Isn't this what we have to do in
our relationships. We have to sit with the same person,
we have to eat with the same person, we sleep
(11:43):
with the same person, but we notice something new. That
practice of mindfulness actually improves our brain, it improves our emotions.
It's easy to find new in new It's challenging and
beautiful to find new in the old or the familiar,
and actually that keeps our experience ever fresh. The third
(12:09):
thing that I want you to do, which is a
huge one of successful couples is that they encourage, not
discourage each other. RADI is so fun to watch right now.
She has so many amazing projects coming away, so many
exciting opportunities. And as someone who's been in this world
for a while now, it's very easy to be cynical.
(12:32):
And I know this where I've had excitement and enthusiasm
about certain things. But I know people have been in
the industry far longer than I have and their cynical.
So sometimes rather we'll share an idea with me and
I have to stop my cynicism, have to be excited
for her, I have to be enthusiastic. I can warn her,
I can be conscious, I can be cautious about it.
But often what we try and do is we try
(12:52):
and discourage people because we've had a bad experience. We
try and discourage our partner because we want to show
them that we know more, we've thought about it. We
try to discourage our partner because we see their bumbling enthusiasm,
but we think that they're not smart enough, or they're
not organized enough, or they're not planned enough. Let's start
to truly encourage our partners when they receive an opportunity.
(13:15):
When we don't encourage. When we don't celebrate, When we
don't recognize how beautiful and powerful this opportunity is, we're
actually taking away love and connection out of our relationship.
I'm not saying that we have to celebrate every tiny thing,
but how often do we discourage our partners because we
(13:36):
don't feel comfortable about something they're doing. How often are
we not celebratory because we feel we haven't celebrated ourselves.
Sometimes we think, well, why are they so excited about that?
I mean, I didn't more than that, and I didn't
get excited about it. Why are they so excited about it?
Start from tomorrow. When your partner says something to you,
(14:00):
allow yourself to move aside your projection, your prediction. Be encouraging,
being enthusiastic. Of course, share the insight, of course, share
what you think they need to know in this process,
but don't let your ego get in the way of
truly encouraging them. Our ego stops us from encouraging the
(14:21):
people we love. Our ego blocks us from encouraging the
people we love. We try to warn them and we're saying, well,
we're doing it for them, but really, there's a part
of us. That's warning ourselves as well. The fourth principle
is having a balance between time together, time alone, time
(14:44):
with your friends, and time with collective friends. Notice how
there is a lot going on there. So in an
average week and average month, we're going to have to
spend time alone. We have to spend time of each other.
We have time with our own friends, and we have
time with friends together. Now when I think about this,
(15:05):
I start thinking of ratios that may be helpful. So
let's take a week, and of course, in a week,
you're not going to do all of these things, but
giving you an idea, Let's say in a week, you
spend one night alone. That's really healthy to have one
night for yourself. You can use it to do whatever
you want. It maybe to play games. It maybe to
(15:28):
read a book. It maybe to watch your favorite TV show.
It maybe to be working late. You get one night
to yourself. Then you spend three nights together. Three nights
are connected time. Maybe you watch a show together, maybe
you go for a walk, maybe you go to the gym,
maybe you play a game. We have three nights that
are dedicated to each other. You have two nights that
(15:48):
you spend with collective friends. Couples that you enjoy time with.
Now there's something really important here. Studies show that couples
that are friends with other people who are in a
happy relationships. This was research and interviews done by the
University of Maryland that found that healthy couple friendships have
potential to make relationships more exciting and more fulfilling by
(16:12):
increasing attraction, providing a greater understanding of men and women
in general. So it gives you perspective and allowing partners
to observe the way other couples interact and negotiate differences.
It did go on to say that topics like sex
and money were less comfortable to be discussed in these arenas,
and those were more for personal interactions, but other conversation
(16:34):
topics flourished in these happy couple scenarios. And finally, you
may have one day a week that you spend with
your own friends. Now this is just a sample of
what I'm sharing with you. So in a week, you
spend one day alone, you spend three days together, two
days with friends that you know evenings, and then one
day with your own friends right apart. And this creates
(16:57):
a great sense of a system or structure. What I
like about this is your partner is naturally the priority
for those three days in a week, three out of
seven days are dedicated to your partner, but you also
get one day to decompressed by yourself. You get two
days to be with collective friends, so you're still together,
but you're getting to experience other people's energy, and then
(17:19):
you get one day to be with your own friend
to decompress in a different way. This is just a sample,
and I'm recommending it because it starts giving you a
flow of how to think about it. Often we feel
that prioritizing our relationship means we have to be together
six days a week, have to be together five days
a week. But often that actually starts becoming boring. We
run out of ideas, we run out of things to do,
(17:39):
we run out of energy to bring to the relationship.
Creating diversity in our weeks, months, and years allows for
us to actually bring more back to our relationships. We
have to go and borrow ideas, borrow energy, feel that
contagious spirit, and bring it back into our relationship. Now,
the fifth step that successful and happy couples do is
(18:02):
that they argue about the issue, not each other, in
an unhealthy relationship. People argue about each other. You're the
one getting everything wrong. You're the one who needs to
take responsibility. You're the one to blame. You don't get
anything right. You are wasting my time. You have lied
to me. We think that the other person is our
(18:26):
enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change, when
actually the biggest thing is we need to talk about
the issue. We need to argue about the issue. Julie
Gerner is a doctor of psychology, and she recommends that
we keep the fights fair. She says, when you fight fair,
you keep your dispute focused on the topic without devolving
(18:47):
into personal attacks. So if you're arguing about money and
how money is used, it's not about how the other
person uses money, it's about how you both should want
to use money. Right. If you're arguing about the cleanliness
and the home, it's not just about the other person's
cleanliness standards, because you probably have a challenge too, but
it's about what level of standard you want to create
together to create the right movement forward and arguing is
(19:11):
necessary and healthy. There's a great book called You Are
Not Crazy. Letters from your Therapist, and in it it's
as similar to working out a muscle. If you can
effectively survive tears in your marriage and then repair them,
then it makes the relationship stronger. Most of us think, well,
I can't be bothered to repair this tear, But it's
the repairing of the tear that actually makes it stronger.
(19:35):
So if you've had a few tears, don't throw it away,
don't write it off. You can still repair that relationship. Now,
how do you do that? How do you do that?
The way you do it is you say to yourself
and your partner, when you're not fighting, let's always remind
each other to focus on the issue. Now, when I'm
(19:56):
about to bring an issue up to you, let's make
sure it's the issue and not you are the issue.
So let's say that you're upset that your partners spent
a lot of money this month on dinners and you
both had made a pack to not do that. You've
got two options. You either say, well, look, you wasted it,
you broke our pact. All you say, hey, is the
pack not working for you? I wanted to understand if
(20:19):
we can do something that's going to help us both
understand what our goals and priorities are. Look at the
difference in that conversation. Half the time, it's not what
we say, it's how we say it. We've heard that
a million times, right, but it's so true. Half the
time we put our partner on the defensive before we've
even spoken about the issue. And now what are we
(20:39):
talking about? Well, last year you wasted money on those
Christmas peasants for your family. Well, two years ago when
you were broke, I carried you. Right, Look what ends
up happening. We're already in a place we don't want
to be in argue about the issue, not each other.
Step number six. This one's been a huge one for
me and I think as we grow up as independent
(21:00):
adults and independent thinkers, this is sometimes something that we
don't think about effectively. And I'll explain how to do
it as well. Step number six is think about how
your decisions affect your partner. This doesn't mean you shouldn't
make decisions that may affect your partner in a convenience sense,
(21:23):
but you have to think about it. When I get
invited to travel for work, I know I want to
do it because I'm passionate about my work, but I
do think about how that's going to affect rather, And
so I'll say to Raley, I've got this opportunity. Maybe
this is a time when you want to go visit home,
maybe you want to spend time with friends. I just
want you to know, so you have enough time to plan.
If I don't think about her and I just plan
(21:44):
it and then it comes to the day and I
tell her on the day, what have I done. I've
removed an opportunity for her to do what's important to her.
Think about how your decisions affect your partner and have
a healthy discussion about it. Often when we make decision,
we've been thinking about it for five months and we
share it to them in five minutes, and we expect
(22:05):
them to understand what we've been thinking about for five
months in five minutes. You can't do that. You have
to give someone time to catch up to your way
of thinking. If you spend five months deciding to quit
your job, and when you share it in five minutes
with your partner, you expect them to understand it. They
won't bring them along for the journey. Give them space
(22:28):
and time to process it for themselves if that's what's
going to take, but don't expect them to understand something
that they've heard for five minutes that you've been thinking
about for five months. Step number seven is know the
difference between your trauma and the issue. Know the difference
(22:49):
between your expectation and your partner being wrong. This is
probably the hardest but the most incredible skill. I'll give
you an example. If your expectation of how your wife
should be a mother is based on how your mother was,
that's you bringing your expectation and your past into what's
(23:11):
right for your partner. Most of us don't even think
about this. Our expectations of our partners are based on
how our parents were, and so we expect our partners
to be as good as our parents, or maybe better
than our parents, or whatever it may have been. So
much of the time we act with our partners in
a way because of a gap that our parents had
with us. Are you bringing your trauma into your relationship?
(23:36):
Knowing the difference is so important. Me and Rather have
had to really work on this when we're bringing our expectation. So,
for example, Rathery's father is this amazing human who I
adore to. I love him, and he's helpful around the home.
He's helpful in the kitchen, and he's an entrepreneur and successful,
and rather he was thankfully aware of this, and she
(23:57):
never expected me. She knew I wouldn't be helpful in
the kitchen, useless. But if she expects me to be
everything her father is, that becomes really difficult. Sometimes we
think our partners are wrong, when all it is that
our expectation is wrong, and there's an assumption again, and
our assumptions and expectations of our partners actually make the
(24:18):
relationship weaker. How can you take some time to recognize this?
It has been established that for every negative encounter, at
least five positive encounters are needed, says doctor av This
is another relationship tip from doctor John Gottman, known as
the magic ratio. So if you've had an interaction where
(24:38):
you brought a bit of trauma, you bought your past,
you bought your expectation, make sure you have five positive
encounters for every negative encounter. It's great account. It's great
to think about it, just like you would at work.
If you've had a bad meeting with someone, you want
to have a good meeting with them when you want
to have five great interactions here, but start to notice
where are your expectations of your partner actually coming from
(25:03):
your parents? Where are your expectations of your partner coming
from what your friends said to you? Maybe a friend
said to you, Oh, he should do this or she
should do that. But is it truly yours? Do you
really believe it? Do you really think that's the only way?
Step number eight and our final habit is commit to
rituals and new experiences. Doing the same things again builds
(25:25):
a deeper bond, and trying out new things together builds
a deeper bond. When you're doing new things together, you
want to try things that are new for both of
you so that you're both beginners. You're both really getting
to share a unique and new experience. Usually as couples,
we do what one of the people likes. Oh, you
like this, I'll come along. Oh that's important to you,
I'll come along. What ends up happening there is you're
(25:45):
trying to see things through your partner's eyes. Instead of
trying to see things through your partner's eyes, both of
you get to see things through your own eyes for
the first time. This is what a new, unique experience
has made of And the other thing is to commit
to daily rituals. Now this One's a fun one which
I read from an article by doctor av and it
(26:09):
said that hugging for as little as six seconds can
make you feel close. The emphasis is on the actual
hug lasting six seconds, as there are studies indicating that
if a hugging embrace is maintained for at least six seconds,
it is enough time for oxytocin in the brain to
be released. Of course, feel free to hug for as
long as you like, but make that connection meaningful for
(26:30):
RADI and I. You know we launched Psalma tea, and
I know you will have all been loving it and
drinking it. We launched it because it was our ritual together.
We sat down for seven to twelve minutes a day
and had tea. Being able to do that every single
day brills a sense of commitment, connection, bonding. I hope
that these eight steps have helped you massively today. I
can't wait to see you put them into practice. I'm
(26:52):
so excited to see how your relationships develop when you
actually put these habits into reality. I hope you enjoyed
this episode. Make sure you share your insights on Instagram,
on Twitter, on Facebook, on TikTok, wherever you're listening and
I will see you again next week. Thank you.
Host
Jay Shetty
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