June 7, 2024 • 26 mins
Do you often feel unappreciated by your partner?
Do you avoid addressing issues to keep the peace?
Today, Jay tackles a common yet often overlooked issue in relationships: subtle settling. He begins by acknowledging the pervasive uncertainty many people face about their partners and the fear of being alone that often drives them to stay in unfulfilling relationships. Is it true that the lack of current excitement or passion necessarily indicates settling.
One of the key questions Jay poses is whether individuals feel they can be their true selves with their partners. He highlights the importance of authenticity in relationships, sharing anecdotes about how people often hide or underplay parts of themselves to be more likable, which ultimately leads to losing their true identity.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to foster emotional availability
How to deal with unrealistic expectations
How to ensure mutual respect in your relationship
How to discuss important issues in a healthy way
Healthy communication is another crucial aspect in all relationships. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking to ensure they are not compromising their happiness and well-being in their relationships.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:24 Subtle Settling
02:26 #1: Do You Feel Like You Can Truly Be Yourself?
07:18 #2: Do You Discuss Important Things In A Healthy Way?
13:19 #3: Do You Feel A Sense Of Respect?
15:36 #4: Are You Scared Of Being Lonely?
20:58 #5: Do You Compare Your Partner To Other People?
22:23 #6: Do They Understand Why You Are The Way You Are?
23:53 #7: Can They Tolerate Your Weaknesses And Can You Tolerate Theirs?
24:53 #8: You're Subtle Settling If It's A Financial Decision
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You can't shame or blame your partner into change. You
can only inspire them into change. You can only engage
them into change. So you pointing out all their flaws,
you pointing out all their weaknesses, isn't going to solve
the problem. The number one health and wellness podcast Jay
Setty Jay Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
(00:28):
the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to
each and every one of you that come back every
week to listen, learn and grow. Now. Today's episode is
inspired by so many conversations I've had this week, whether
it's with friends, family members, clients, people I've been talking to,
and what I've realized is that there's this feeling of
(00:53):
am I settling. I know a lot of people in
relationships right now who are not sure whether they're with
the right person and whether they're with their person, or
whether they're with a person that they want to spend
the rest of their life with. But at the same time,
they're worried about being alone. They're concerned about having to
be out there again. A lot of people are nervous
(01:15):
and anxious around dating right now. And I know you're
either one of those people or you know one of
those people, or you're thinking of someone right now. And
this general belief around subtle settling is if you don't
feel passionate for your partner anymore, or you don't feel
excited about them anymore. And I want to really look
(01:35):
at that closely, because I don't believe that a lack
of excitement currently or a lack of passion currently are
good enough signs that you're settling. And I want to
talk about how passion and excitement can actually be created
and also be lost and diminished. So this episode is
(01:56):
for you or your friend if you think someone's settling.
This episode is for you if you want to make
sure you never settle and know what it takes to
create a healthy, meaningful relationship. And this episode is for
you if you just feel like you've lost the spark,
you've lost your way, and you want to get it back.
I'm going to give you a set of questions that
(02:17):
are going to help you reflect through this. You can
even share this episode with a friend, or you can
discuss it with them and answer these questions together. So
the first question to figure out whether you're subtle settling.
And I think this subtle settling point is really important
because you know when you're settling, right, when you've like
totally settled and you're like, oh, I'm really compromising here,
(02:41):
But subtle settling is this idea of well, I kind
of don't know, I'm not really sure. Maybe it will
be okay. And that's why these questions are so important.
So the first question is do you feel like you
can truly be yourself? Now? What does it mean to
be yourself? This is a really important question for you
(03:03):
to answer on your own. What do you think it
means to be yourself? Does it mean to be goofy?
Does it mean to be fun? Does it mean to
be silly? Does it mean to be serious and deep
and profound? Does it mean to be both of those things?
I was talking to a friend the other day and
she was saying that this guy that she's kind of
seeing just started following her on Instagram, and she was
(03:27):
scared because on Instagram she feels like she's really herself.
She's funny, she's silly, she's goofy. And she was thinking,
oh gosh, now that he follows me, is that going
to affect our dating? And then she realized she said, well,
actually it's good that he's seeing it, because then he
knows the real me. He knows who he's going to
come home to, he knows who he's going to catch
up with, he knows the kind of person I truly am,
(03:48):
And if he doesn't want to be with that version
of me, then it's going to be hard for him
to be with me. Now that takes a lot of confidence,
It takes a lot of courage to be able to
say that, but it is true. How many of you,
and be honest with yourself, how many of you have
hidden parts of yourself so that people like you more?
(04:09):
How many of you have underplayed parts of yourself so
that people like you more? How many of you have limited,
held back, given less of yourself so that people like
you more. We mold, we shape shift, we transform because
(04:32):
we want people to like us. But in that process
we diminish, lose, and restrict parts of our best selves.
And what we don't realize is the person we want
to be with will like us for all of us,
and be okay with the parts that they don't like
(04:54):
but recognize they're a part of us, as opposed to
trying to find someone who likes certain things about us.
And doesn't even know about the other things about us.
And I know it's hard. We want that person in
our life so bad. We're so attracted to them, were
such people pleases. We want that person to like us,
no matter what the cost is. But we don't realize
(05:18):
that we lose ourselves by trying to get someone else
to like us. We lose ourselves by trying to get
someone else to love us. We lose ourselves by trying
to find someone else. And so I want to remind you,
can you be all parts of yourself with this individual.
(05:39):
And here's the important part. They don't have to understand
all of you. They don't even have to like all
of it. They just have to know that that's who
you are. They have to be okay with it. And
we have to have the same back. And I think
that's one of the things we've lost. We think that
the person that loves us will love all of us. Now,
(06:00):
the truth is that someone can love all of you
but still not resonate with all of you and may
not understand all of it. And that's natural. But you
have to feel like you can be yourself, and you
have to feel like you're allowing that person to be themselves,
because I think one of the things we miss out
on is we don't realize the amount of pressure we
put on someone else to also behave in ways that
(06:23):
we like. We don't realize how much pressure and judgment
we place on others that they're scared of showing that
part of themselves. I have a guy friend of mine
who's so scared of showing his softer, vulnerable side because
he thinks his partner just wants the alpha, wants the
kind of like tough exterior version of him. Now, I'm
(06:45):
not saying that he's read his partner right or that
he's sure about that, but it's interesting that he also
feels that he's holding parts of himself back because they're
not invited. What parts of your partner are you not
inviting for what parts of your partner are you not
allowing to come through? Think about that? So, are you
(07:08):
being all of yourself? And are you allowing your partner
to be all of themselves? That's an important part of
recognizing you're not settling. Point number two, Do you discuss
important things in a healthy way? Now, so many of
us have got so used to drama, We've got so
used to anxiety. We've got so used to arguments that
(07:31):
if you're having peaceful, thoughtful discussions, we undervalue them, we
underestimate them. We think, where's the drama, where's the passion? Right?
It's interesting how when you're having a debate, there's passion
can be exciting, can even be exhilarating. When you're having
an argument, that can be kind of like a turn on.
But we don't realize that if all of that's done
(07:53):
in an unhealthy way, then that passion we're also feeling
is somewhat unhealthy. Sometimes times, peace doesn't feel like passion.
Peace feels like security, Peace feels like stability, Peace feels
like sreness. Peace feels like energizing but not necessarily intoxicating.
(08:18):
And I think so many of us have got lost
in that belief of wanting something intoxicating that we lose
the thing that's energizing and enlivening. So do you discuss
important things in a healthy way? Now, here's what I've
realized a lot of the challenges I see in couples
can be broken down into two things. The first is
(08:40):
one person has unrealistic expectations. Now both people can have
unrealistic expectations, but generally I find one person has unrealistic expectations,
like I want them to be ambitious and I want
them to be available all of the time. Listen up,
there is no one who is ambitious who is available
(09:02):
all the time. Or we want someone who's super organized
and super spontaneous. Those two things don't always go together.
Or we want someone who's really really kind and really
really caring, but then we also want them to be
in control. I'm not saying these things are impossible, but
sometimes we have really unrealistic expectations where we've genuinely put
(09:26):
two polar opposite values and demands into place, And now
when our partners one of them, we're like, well, wait
a minute, why you're not the other? And then when
the partners the other one, we're like, wait a minute,
why are you're not the other thing? And that just
goes on and on and on, and it just keeps
repeating itself. It keeps going crazy, and it doesn't really
help us. So do you discuss important things in a
(09:49):
healthy way? Now, that was one of the issues that
people have. The other issue that I find is the
lack of emotional availability, the lack of vulnerability the lack
of being able to things through the lack of having
a transparent conversation. What I find is those are generally
the roots to a lot of the reasons why we
(10:10):
don't have healthy conversations. One is because someone's demanding something unrealistic.
The other is because someone's not open enough to have
that conversation. I want to throw this out there. If
your partner is not good at having vulnerable, open, honest
conversations about how they're feeling, you telling them that they're
not vulnerable, telling them and targeting them, saying that they're
(10:32):
not open, and telling them that they're not curious enough,
they're not thoughtful enough, isn't going to inspire them to
become that way. We have to learn to inspire our
partners to be that person, not interrogate, investigate, and push
them to be that person. Most of us are trying
(10:52):
to blame our partners into change. We're trying to shame
our partners into Change's true story. You can't shame or
blame your partner into change. You can only inspire them
into change. You can only engage them into change. Right,
you can't blame and shame them into change. So you
(11:15):
pointing out all their flaws. You pointing out all their
weaknesses isn't going to solve the problem. It isn't going
to fix the challenge that they're facing. You have to
ask yourself, am I inspiring this person? Am I helping
them with this change? Am I encouraging them? Or? Really?
Am I just becoming their parent? Am I just pushing
(11:35):
them around? Am I just forcing them to change? That's
not discussing things in a healthy way. We say, wait
a minute, I laid out the roadmap for them. I
told them exactly what they needed to do. I told
them exactly what I wanted. Well, by the way, that
doesn't sound like a partnership, It sounds like ownership, right.
So I want you to really think about that. If
(11:56):
you want your partner to think about something to be
as certain way that you think is useful for the relationship,
you have to think about how that's inspired, how that's encouraged.
That's how a coach thinks. You don't want to fear
them into it. You don't want to be an ultimatum
right now. At the same time, if you're the person
who's looking at your partner and just thinking, wow, they
(12:17):
have some unrealistic expectations of me. I'll never be that.
I think it's really important to sit them down and
have a conversation and say that's not who I plan
to be. This is who I plan to be. And
by the way, in order to do that, you need
to be clear on who you plan to be and
a lot of us in order to stay with the
person and just keep you know, pacifying them, we're like,
(12:40):
oh yeah, I'll do that little thing. Oh yeah, y'a'll
apply for that job. Oh yeah, y'all work a little
harder and guess what. It lasts for a couple of
weeks and then we don't want to be that person anymore.
So don't pretend to say you're going to become someone
that you don't want to be because your partner wants
you to be them. So much is lost in the
pretending to be the person our partner wants us to be,
(13:01):
whether it's pretending to be more vulnerable and open, or
whether it's pretending to be someone we're not. Now, I'm
not saying we go the other way and say I'm
not gonna do anything. I'm not gonna change, I'm not
gonna grow, I'm not gonna evolve. We're trying to inspire change,
and we're trying to be honest about how fast we
can change. Hey everyone, it's Jay here. My wife and
(13:23):
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(13:44):
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time it near you. Number three to check whether you're
subtle settling. Do you respect how they treat you? Do
(14:07):
you respect how they talk to you? This isn't like
do you do they you know, throw rose pearls at
the ground you walk on right? It's do you feel
a sense of respect and what do you measure as respect?
And do they know that you measure that as a
sign of respect. Most of us respect one thing and
(14:29):
we measured that thing in our partner. But guess what
they respect another thing and they're measuring that So often
in our relationships, our respect languages are different. Imagine you're measuring, analyzing,
and observing a completely different thing in another person. Imagine
someone was observing how you're dressed and the other person's
(14:50):
observing your accent. You're both measuring completely different things, and
then you're making a decision about whether that person is
good or not. That's kind of what we're doing in
getting mixed up about respect. If someone respects you, that
is probably the greatest form of a relationship possible. That's
not settling at all. And I would say that someone
(15:12):
respects who you are more than what you achieve. I
think a lot of us are after Do our partners
respect our achievements? Do our partners respect us when we
do something amazing in our career? Do they respect us?
Do they validate us? Do they approve what we've achieved,
what we've done? Real respect is does that person respect
who I am? Do they respect me regardless? Do they
(15:36):
respect me? Beyond all of this, I've talked about this before.
For a long time in my relationship, my male ego
wanted Radi to respect me because of what I achieved.
And really, what I realized is I was trying to
achieve in order to respect myself, and therefore I wanted
her to respect me for that because then I would
be worthy enough. And all the time I was missing
(15:59):
the point that rather respects me. She's been with me
when I've had nothing, she's been with me when I've failed,
She's been with me since I've started, and she's been
grateful ever since. Isn't that the deepest form of love
and respect? So I would ask you to assess that
with your partner. Reflect on that number four. Are you
(16:20):
scared of being lonely? If you are scared of being
lonely and that's why you're staying with your partner, chances
are you're subtle settling. And that's a hard truth. It's
an inconvenient truth because so many of us are subtle
settling because we don't want to be alone. We're scared
(16:42):
of not having someone to go home to. We're scared
of not having that person that we call when we're
on a car journey. We're scared of having to go
to sleep on our own, and that fear is creating
and forming the basis the foundation of a relationship. Fear
(17:03):
is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship. I'll say that again.
Fear is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship. If fear
is the foundation of your relationship, you are subtle, settling.
Whatever that fear may be. One of them is the
(17:23):
fear of being alone. I was talking to a friend
the other day and I said to him, you just
have to block that person. He has someone in his
life who keeps walking in, keeps walking out, and he
loves it because he doesn't want to be alone. And
I said, I think it's about time you block them.
Like you keep breaking up and getting back together, and
breaking up and getting back together, and I can see
(17:43):
how unhealthy it is for you. And yes, you're scared
of being alone, but you know what's scarier is being
in this situation in ten years time. And I said
to him, which one are you more scared of? Are
you more scared of being alone for the next two years,
or are you more scared of being in this situation
in seven years time, when you're seven years older and
you've lost seven years of your life. And he said,
(18:04):
when you put it that way, I was like, yeah,
you have to put it that way, right, You have
to put your life into perspective. When you look at
everything through the next three months, the next three months,
the next three months, you'll keep elongating and extending even
a bad situation because you're thinking about the next three months.
Whereas when you start looking at it through the lens
of the next three years, being three years older, three
(18:27):
years into your career, three years wiser, three years smarter,
and then you look at it, everything's put into perspective.
As Wayne Dyer used to say, when you change the
way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I think often we either look at things too short term,
especially in relationships, especially with loneliness. Now. I was talking
(18:50):
to a friend the other day about my book Eight
Rules of Love. She was reading it and she was
saying she really liked the reframing of loneliness to solitude,
and she's been exploring what solitude means for her, and
I was saying that this is what we need to do.
Our mind has created a story around loneliness. You know
(19:11):
good enough, you're not worthy, you don't have a plus one.
All your friends say things like, oh, we got to
find you a person. We can't have you be single
for too long. Ah, we got to hook you up. Right,
that becomes the rhetoric. So our story around being alone,
we have a story around every word. Right. If I
say the word fear, you have a story around that.
(19:35):
If I say the word power, you have a story
around that. If I say the word money, you have
a story around that. If I say the word fame,
you have a story around that. If I say the
word failure, you got a story. And if I say
the word success, you've got a story. You and your
mind and your thoughts have a story around every word.
(20:00):
The goal of our life is to rewrite, retell and
reshare our stories around our life. What is the story
you want around being alone? Is it that you're lonely
or is it that you're in solitude? What is your
story around being single? Is it about being empowered or
(20:25):
is it that you're not worthy? What is your story
about being in a relationship? Is it a necessity or
is it something that you're building and nurturing. What is
your story about being a failure? Is it that you're
not sharing your life with someone, Or is it that
failing is not knowing yourself and therefore picking the wrong person.
(20:48):
We have to rewrite, retell, redefine what our story around
these important words in our life are and love, Love
is an important word to think of what our story
is about it? What is your story about the word love?
Is it that you don't deserve it? Is it that
you don't need it? Right? One side is I don't
(21:10):
deserve it. The other side is the ego and arrogance.
If I don't need it, I don't need anyone. Notice
how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.
The bugood Ghita says The bugour Ghita says, attachment and
aversion are two sides of the same coin. They're both
an addiction. Right, if we hate something or we obsess
(21:31):
over it, we're giving it the same energy. But let's
tell a better story. Let's tell a smartest story. Let's
tell a more thoughtful story about that number five? Do
you compare your partner to other people? You're subtle settling
if you keep comparing your partner to other people for
(21:52):
qualities they'll never have. And when you're making someone feel
that way, you're also disintegrating their self esteem and their confidence.
You're subtle settling. Move away. If you keep comparing that person, Okay,
you want something else, and you may say, oh no,
but I don't really mean it, well, don't think about it.
(22:14):
Then you're comparing that person because you want them to
be more this or less this, more that or less that. Right,
more of this and less of that, that's what you want.
If you're comparing your partner to some other people, you're
sebtle settling. If you're comparing them in a way to
fall more in love with them, that's different. Right. If
you're comparing them in the sense of like, oh, actually,
(22:35):
I'm so grateful to have this person because you know,
I've seen what my friends are going through, that's different.
But if you're comparing them on the level of I
wish they had that, Oh, look at that person. Their
partner's always thinking about them. Their partner organizes the best birthdays,
their partner's got the best career, their partner makes more money,
their partner has a better career. Their partner, you know,
their partner makes time. Whatever it may be, you're so
(22:57):
settling or you're not grateful enough, And that's what I
want you to reflect on is it that you're settling
or is it that you're not grateful? Could be either
or The next principle, number six is do they understand
why you are the way you are? And do they
take interest? Do they understand the depths of you? Are
they are trying to understand your context. I said this
(23:18):
to someone recently who's asking me for relationship advice. I said,
a real relationship is where you've tried to understand not
how the person is and how they behave and who
they've become. It's how they became that What did they
go through? How did they become that person? Why are
they that person? Are you curious to understand that? Because
(23:40):
I promise you that context will make you connect on
a much deeper level. But if you don't have that context,
you'll never truly know. So ask yourself, do you know
the context of why your partner is the way they are?
And have you shared the context of why you are
the way you are? Right? Have you figured that out?
(24:03):
It's so important that is not settling if your partner's
taking an interest in you, and if you're taking any
interest in them, and if you've started and if you
haven't done that. Try it out. I think a lot
of us expect our partners or people were dating or
seek to already have these skills. And actually the purpose
of a relationship is that you're both challenged to build
these skills. Right. A relationship isn't a relationship where you
(24:25):
both come in with all these skills. The point is
the relationship challenges you to develop these skills. And the
question you're asking is do I want to develop these
skills with this person? And do they want to develop
these skills with me? There's two more I want to
share with you. Can they tolerate your weaknesses? And can
you tolerate theirs? Everyone you meet will have flaws, weaknesses,
(24:46):
and make mistakes. The question you're asking yourself is are
these the ones I want to deal with? Everyone's going
to have something? Are these the ones I'm comfortable with
dealing with? Right? There is going to be some mistake,
there's going to be some flo I'm okay with this one,
and you're subtle settling. If you're accepting less than you deserve.
(25:08):
Of course, if you're going through verbal, emotional, physical abuse,
then that isn't something that you negotiate with. Those are
non negotiables, and those are based on your self respect.
And a big part of it is that subtle settling
happens when we don't have a sense of self respect.
It's not arrogance, it's not ego. Do I respect myself?
(25:31):
Do I understand what human level of respect is? And
the final one is financial dependence. You're subtle settling if
it's a financial decision, If it's purely financial, it's subtle settling.
I get it, I understand it, I empathize with it.
But you know that if it's just based on that,
(25:51):
then you're easily losing out. So I hope this episode
helps you make a sense of subtle settling. I hope
it also helps you move towards a healthier relationship. And
I hope, obviously you hope your friends think through these dilemmas.
Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. Make
sure you pass this on to a friend. And here's
a reminder for you. I am forever in your corner
(26:13):
and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening. If
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor
Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace
difficult feelings, you've just got to be motivated every day
and if you're not, then what are you doing? And
actually humans don't work that way, but motivation, you have
to treat it like any other emotion. Some days it
(26:35):
will be there, some days it won't
You can't shame or blame your partner into change. You
can only inspire them into change. You can only engage
them into change. So you pointing out all their flaws,
you pointing out all their weaknesses, isn't going to solve
the problem. The number one health and wellness podcast Jay
Setty Jay Shetty Jet. Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
(00:28):
the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to
each and every one of you that come back every
week to listen, learn and grow. Now. Today's episode is
inspired by so many conversations I've had this week, whether
it's with friends, family members, clients, people I've been talking to,
and what I've realized is that there's this feeling of
(00:53):
am I settling. I know a lot of people in
relationships right now who are not sure whether they're with
the right person and whether they're with their person, or
whether they're with a person that they want to spend
the rest of their life with. But at the same time,
they're worried about being alone. They're concerned about having to
be out there again. A lot of people are nervous
(01:15):
and anxious around dating right now. And I know you're
either one of those people or you know one of
those people, or you're thinking of someone right now. And
this general belief around subtle settling is if you don't
feel passionate for your partner anymore, or you don't feel
excited about them anymore. And I want to really look
(01:35):
at that closely, because I don't believe that a lack
of excitement currently or a lack of passion currently are
good enough signs that you're settling. And I want to
talk about how passion and excitement can actually be created
and also be lost and diminished. So this episode is
(01:56):
for you or your friend if you think someone's settling.
This episode is for you if you want to make
sure you never settle and know what it takes to
create a healthy, meaningful relationship. And this episode is for
you if you just feel like you've lost the spark,
you've lost your way, and you want to get it back.
I'm going to give you a set of questions that
(02:17):
are going to help you reflect through this. You can
even share this episode with a friend, or you can
discuss it with them and answer these questions together. So
the first question to figure out whether you're subtle settling.
And I think this subtle settling point is really important
because you know when you're settling, right, when you've like
totally settled and you're like, oh, I'm really compromising here,
(02:41):
But subtle settling is this idea of well, I kind
of don't know, I'm not really sure. Maybe it will
be okay. And that's why these questions are so important.
So the first question is do you feel like you
can truly be yourself? Now? What does it mean to
be yourself? This is a really important question for you
(03:03):
to answer on your own. What do you think it
means to be yourself? Does it mean to be goofy?
Does it mean to be fun? Does it mean to
be silly? Does it mean to be serious and deep
and profound? Does it mean to be both of those things?
I was talking to a friend the other day and
she was saying that this guy that she's kind of
seeing just started following her on Instagram, and she was
(03:27):
scared because on Instagram she feels like she's really herself.
She's funny, she's silly, she's goofy. And she was thinking,
oh gosh, now that he follows me, is that going
to affect our dating? And then she realized she said, well,
actually it's good that he's seeing it, because then he
knows the real me. He knows who he's going to
come home to, he knows who he's going to catch
up with, he knows the kind of person I truly am,
(03:48):
And if he doesn't want to be with that version
of me, then it's going to be hard for him
to be with me. Now that takes a lot of confidence,
It takes a lot of courage to be able to
say that, but it is true. How many of you,
and be honest with yourself, how many of you have
hidden parts of yourself so that people like you more?
(04:09):
How many of you have underplayed parts of yourself so
that people like you more? How many of you have limited,
held back, given less of yourself so that people like
you more. We mold, we shape shift, we transform because
(04:32):
we want people to like us. But in that process
we diminish, lose, and restrict parts of our best selves.
And what we don't realize is the person we want
to be with will like us for all of us,
and be okay with the parts that they don't like
(04:54):
but recognize they're a part of us, as opposed to
trying to find someone who likes certain things about us.
And doesn't even know about the other things about us.
And I know it's hard. We want that person in
our life so bad. We're so attracted to them, were
such people pleases. We want that person to like us,
no matter what the cost is. But we don't realize
(05:18):
that we lose ourselves by trying to get someone else
to like us. We lose ourselves by trying to get
someone else to love us. We lose ourselves by trying
to find someone else. And so I want to remind you,
can you be all parts of yourself with this individual.
(05:39):
And here's the important part. They don't have to understand
all of you. They don't even have to like all
of it. They just have to know that that's who
you are. They have to be okay with it. And
we have to have the same back. And I think
that's one of the things we've lost. We think that
the person that loves us will love all of us. Now,
(06:00):
the truth is that someone can love all of you
but still not resonate with all of you and may
not understand all of it. And that's natural. But you
have to feel like you can be yourself, and you
have to feel like you're allowing that person to be themselves,
because I think one of the things we miss out
on is we don't realize the amount of pressure we
put on someone else to also behave in ways that
(06:23):
we like. We don't realize how much pressure and judgment
we place on others that they're scared of showing that
part of themselves. I have a guy friend of mine
who's so scared of showing his softer, vulnerable side because
he thinks his partner just wants the alpha, wants the
kind of like tough exterior version of him. Now, I'm
(06:45):
not saying that he's read his partner right or that
he's sure about that, but it's interesting that he also
feels that he's holding parts of himself back because they're
not invited. What parts of your partner are you not
inviting for what parts of your partner are you not
allowing to come through? Think about that? So, are you
(07:08):
being all of yourself? And are you allowing your partner
to be all of themselves? That's an important part of
recognizing you're not settling. Point number two, Do you discuss
important things in a healthy way? Now, so many of
us have got so used to drama, We've got so
used to anxiety. We've got so used to arguments that
(07:31):
if you're having peaceful, thoughtful discussions, we undervalue them, we
underestimate them. We think, where's the drama, where's the passion? Right?
It's interesting how when you're having a debate, there's passion
can be exciting, can even be exhilarating. When you're having
an argument, that can be kind of like a turn on.
But we don't realize that if all of that's done
(07:53):
in an unhealthy way, then that passion we're also feeling
is somewhat unhealthy. Sometimes times, peace doesn't feel like passion.
Peace feels like security, Peace feels like stability, Peace feels
like sreness. Peace feels like energizing but not necessarily intoxicating.
(08:18):
And I think so many of us have got lost
in that belief of wanting something intoxicating that we lose
the thing that's energizing and enlivening. So do you discuss
important things in a healthy way? Now, here's what I've
realized a lot of the challenges I see in couples
can be broken down into two things. The first is
(08:40):
one person has unrealistic expectations. Now both people can have
unrealistic expectations, but generally I find one person has unrealistic expectations,
like I want them to be ambitious and I want
them to be available all of the time. Listen up,
there is no one who is ambitious who is available
(09:02):
all the time. Or we want someone who's super organized
and super spontaneous. Those two things don't always go together.
Or we want someone who's really really kind and really
really caring, but then we also want them to be
in control. I'm not saying these things are impossible, but
sometimes we have really unrealistic expectations where we've genuinely put
(09:26):
two polar opposite values and demands into place, And now
when our partners one of them, we're like, well, wait
a minute, why you're not the other? And then when
the partners the other one, we're like, wait a minute,
why are you're not the other thing? And that just
goes on and on and on, and it just keeps
repeating itself. It keeps going crazy, and it doesn't really
help us. So do you discuss important things in a
(09:49):
healthy way? Now, that was one of the issues that
people have. The other issue that I find is the
lack of emotional availability, the lack of vulnerability the lack
of being able to things through the lack of having
a transparent conversation. What I find is those are generally
the roots to a lot of the reasons why we
(10:10):
don't have healthy conversations. One is because someone's demanding something unrealistic.
The other is because someone's not open enough to have
that conversation. I want to throw this out there. If
your partner is not good at having vulnerable, open, honest
conversations about how they're feeling, you telling them that they're
not vulnerable, telling them and targeting them, saying that they're
(10:32):
not open, and telling them that they're not curious enough,
they're not thoughtful enough, isn't going to inspire them to
become that way. We have to learn to inspire our
partners to be that person, not interrogate, investigate, and push
them to be that person. Most of us are trying
(10:52):
to blame our partners into change. We're trying to shame
our partners into Change's true story. You can't shame or
blame your partner into change. You can only inspire them
into change. You can only engage them into change. Right,
you can't blame and shame them into change. So you
(11:15):
pointing out all their flaws. You pointing out all their
weaknesses isn't going to solve the problem. It isn't going
to fix the challenge that they're facing. You have to
ask yourself, am I inspiring this person? Am I helping
them with this change? Am I encouraging them? Or? Really?
Am I just becoming their parent? Am I just pushing
(11:35):
them around? Am I just forcing them to change? That's
not discussing things in a healthy way. We say, wait
a minute, I laid out the roadmap for them. I
told them exactly what they needed to do. I told
them exactly what I wanted. Well, by the way, that
doesn't sound like a partnership, It sounds like ownership, right.
So I want you to really think about that. If
(11:56):
you want your partner to think about something to be
as certain way that you think is useful for the relationship,
you have to think about how that's inspired, how that's encouraged.
That's how a coach thinks. You don't want to fear
them into it. You don't want to be an ultimatum
right now. At the same time, if you're the person
who's looking at your partner and just thinking, wow, they
(12:17):
have some unrealistic expectations of me. I'll never be that.
I think it's really important to sit them down and
have a conversation and say that's not who I plan
to be. This is who I plan to be. And
by the way, in order to do that, you need
to be clear on who you plan to be and
a lot of us in order to stay with the
person and just keep you know, pacifying them, we're like,
(12:40):
oh yeah, I'll do that little thing. Oh yeah, y'a'll
apply for that job. Oh yeah, y'all work a little
harder and guess what. It lasts for a couple of
weeks and then we don't want to be that person anymore.
So don't pretend to say you're going to become someone
that you don't want to be because your partner wants
you to be them. So much is lost in the
pretending to be the person our partner wants us to be,
(13:01):
whether it's pretending to be more vulnerable and open, or
whether it's pretending to be someone we're not. Now, I'm
not saying we go the other way and say I'm
not gonna do anything. I'm not gonna change, I'm not
gonna grow, I'm not gonna evolve. We're trying to inspire change,
and we're trying to be honest about how fast we
can change. Hey everyone, it's Jay here. My wife and
(13:23):
I have had so much fun creating our own sparkling
tea Juni and I've got big news for you. It's
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(13:44):
to our wellness journey and striving to fuel our bodies
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healthy choices accessible for all, which is why Juni is
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locator at Drinkjuni dot com and find Juny at a
time it near you. Number three to check whether you're
subtle settling. Do you respect how they treat you? Do
(14:07):
you respect how they talk to you? This isn't like
do you do they you know, throw rose pearls at
the ground you walk on right? It's do you feel
a sense of respect and what do you measure as respect?
And do they know that you measure that as a
sign of respect. Most of us respect one thing and
(14:29):
we measured that thing in our partner. But guess what
they respect another thing and they're measuring that So often
in our relationships, our respect languages are different. Imagine you're measuring, analyzing,
and observing a completely different thing in another person. Imagine
someone was observing how you're dressed and the other person's
(14:50):
observing your accent. You're both measuring completely different things, and
then you're making a decision about whether that person is
good or not. That's kind of what we're doing in
getting mixed up about respect. If someone respects you, that
is probably the greatest form of a relationship possible. That's
not settling at all. And I would say that someone
(15:12):
respects who you are more than what you achieve. I
think a lot of us are after Do our partners
respect our achievements? Do our partners respect us when we
do something amazing in our career? Do they respect us?
Do they validate us? Do they approve what we've achieved,
what we've done? Real respect is does that person respect
who I am? Do they respect me regardless? Do they
(15:36):
respect me? Beyond all of this, I've talked about this before.
For a long time in my relationship, my male ego
wanted Radi to respect me because of what I achieved.
And really, what I realized is I was trying to
achieve in order to respect myself, and therefore I wanted
her to respect me for that because then I would
be worthy enough. And all the time I was missing
(15:59):
the point that rather respects me. She's been with me
when I've had nothing, she's been with me when I've failed,
She's been with me since I've started, and she's been
grateful ever since. Isn't that the deepest form of love
and respect? So I would ask you to assess that
with your partner. Reflect on that number four. Are you
(16:20):
scared of being lonely? If you are scared of being
lonely and that's why you're staying with your partner, chances
are you're subtle settling. And that's a hard truth. It's
an inconvenient truth because so many of us are subtle
settling because we don't want to be alone. We're scared
(16:42):
of not having someone to go home to. We're scared
of not having that person that we call when we're
on a car journey. We're scared of having to go
to sleep on our own, and that fear is creating
and forming the basis the foundation of a relationship. Fear
(17:03):
is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship. I'll say that again.
Fear is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship. If fear
is the foundation of your relationship, you are subtle, settling.
Whatever that fear may be. One of them is the
(17:23):
fear of being alone. I was talking to a friend
the other day and I said to him, you just
have to block that person. He has someone in his
life who keeps walking in, keeps walking out, and he
loves it because he doesn't want to be alone. And
I said, I think it's about time you block them.
Like you keep breaking up and getting back together, and
breaking up and getting back together, and I can see
(17:43):
how unhealthy it is for you. And yes, you're scared
of being alone, but you know what's scarier is being
in this situation in ten years time. And I said
to him, which one are you more scared of? Are
you more scared of being alone for the next two years,
or are you more scared of being in this situation
in seven years time, when you're seven years older and
you've lost seven years of your life. And he said,
(18:04):
when you put it that way, I was like, yeah,
you have to put it that way, right, You have
to put your life into perspective. When you look at
everything through the next three months, the next three months,
the next three months, you'll keep elongating and extending even
a bad situation because you're thinking about the next three months.
Whereas when you start looking at it through the lens
of the next three years, being three years older, three
(18:27):
years into your career, three years wiser, three years smarter,
and then you look at it, everything's put into perspective.
As Wayne Dyer used to say, when you change the
way you look at things, the things you look at change.
I think often we either look at things too short term,
especially in relationships, especially with loneliness. Now. I was talking
(18:50):
to a friend the other day about my book Eight
Rules of Love. She was reading it and she was
saying she really liked the reframing of loneliness to solitude,
and she's been exploring what solitude means for her, and
I was saying that this is what we need to do.
Our mind has created a story around loneliness. You know
(19:11):
good enough, you're not worthy, you don't have a plus one.
All your friends say things like, oh, we got to
find you a person. We can't have you be single
for too long. Ah, we got to hook you up. Right,
that becomes the rhetoric. So our story around being alone,
we have a story around every word. Right. If I
say the word fear, you have a story around that.
(19:35):
If I say the word power, you have a story
around that. If I say the word money, you have
a story around that. If I say the word fame,
you have a story around that. If I say the
word failure, you got a story. And if I say
the word success, you've got a story. You and your
mind and your thoughts have a story around every word.
(20:00):
The goal of our life is to rewrite, retell and
reshare our stories around our life. What is the story
you want around being alone? Is it that you're lonely
or is it that you're in solitude? What is your
story around being single? Is it about being empowered or
(20:25):
is it that you're not worthy? What is your story
about being in a relationship? Is it a necessity or
is it something that you're building and nurturing. What is
your story about being a failure? Is it that you're
not sharing your life with someone, Or is it that
failing is not knowing yourself and therefore picking the wrong person.
(20:48):
We have to rewrite, retell, redefine what our story around
these important words in our life are and love, Love
is an important word to think of what our story
is about it? What is your story about the word love?
Is it that you don't deserve it? Is it that
you don't need it? Right? One side is I don't
(21:10):
deserve it. The other side is the ego and arrogance.
If I don't need it, I don't need anyone. Notice
how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.
The bugood Ghita says The bugour Ghita says, attachment and
aversion are two sides of the same coin. They're both
an addiction. Right, if we hate something or we obsess
(21:31):
over it, we're giving it the same energy. But let's
tell a better story. Let's tell a smartest story. Let's
tell a more thoughtful story about that number five? Do
you compare your partner to other people? You're subtle settling
if you keep comparing your partner to other people for
(21:52):
qualities they'll never have. And when you're making someone feel
that way, you're also disintegrating their self esteem and their confidence.
You're subtle settling. Move away. If you keep comparing that person, Okay,
you want something else, and you may say, oh no,
but I don't really mean it, well, don't think about it.
(22:14):
Then you're comparing that person because you want them to
be more this or less this, more that or less that. Right,
more of this and less of that, that's what you want.
If you're comparing your partner to some other people, you're
sebtle settling. If you're comparing them in a way to
fall more in love with them, that's different. Right. If
you're comparing them in the sense of like, oh, actually,
(22:35):
I'm so grateful to have this person because you know,
I've seen what my friends are going through, that's different.
But if you're comparing them on the level of I
wish they had that, Oh, look at that person. Their
partner's always thinking about them. Their partner organizes the best birthdays,
their partner's got the best career, their partner makes more money,
their partner has a better career. Their partner, you know,
their partner makes time. Whatever it may be, you're so
(22:57):
settling or you're not grateful enough, And that's what I
want you to reflect on is it that you're settling
or is it that you're not grateful? Could be either
or The next principle, number six is do they understand
why you are the way you are? And do they
take interest? Do they understand the depths of you? Are
they are trying to understand your context. I said this
(23:18):
to someone recently who's asking me for relationship advice. I said,
a real relationship is where you've tried to understand not
how the person is and how they behave and who
they've become. It's how they became that What did they
go through? How did they become that person? Why are
they that person? Are you curious to understand that? Because
(23:40):
I promise you that context will make you connect on
a much deeper level. But if you don't have that context,
you'll never truly know. So ask yourself, do you know
the context of why your partner is the way they are?
And have you shared the context of why you are
the way you are? Right? Have you figured that out?
(24:03):
It's so important that is not settling if your partner's
taking an interest in you, and if you're taking any
interest in them, and if you've started and if you
haven't done that. Try it out. I think a lot
of us expect our partners or people were dating or
seek to already have these skills. And actually the purpose
of a relationship is that you're both challenged to build
these skills. Right. A relationship isn't a relationship where you
(24:25):
both come in with all these skills. The point is
the relationship challenges you to develop these skills. And the
question you're asking is do I want to develop these
skills with this person? And do they want to develop
these skills with me? There's two more I want to
share with you. Can they tolerate your weaknesses? And can
you tolerate theirs? Everyone you meet will have flaws, weaknesses,
(24:46):
and make mistakes. The question you're asking yourself is are
these the ones I want to deal with? Everyone's going
to have something? Are these the ones I'm comfortable with
dealing with? Right? There is going to be some mistake,
there's going to be some flo I'm okay with this one,
and you're subtle settling. If you're accepting less than you deserve.
(25:08):
Of course, if you're going through verbal, emotional, physical abuse,
then that isn't something that you negotiate with. Those are
non negotiables, and those are based on your self respect.
And a big part of it is that subtle settling
happens when we don't have a sense of self respect.
It's not arrogance, it's not ego. Do I respect myself?
(25:31):
Do I understand what human level of respect is? And
the final one is financial dependence. You're subtle settling if
it's a financial decision, If it's purely financial, it's subtle settling.
I get it, I understand it, I empathize with it.
But you know that if it's just based on that,
(25:51):
then you're easily losing out. So I hope this episode
helps you make a sense of subtle settling. I hope
it also helps you move towards a healthier relationship. And
I hope, obviously you hope your friends think through these dilemmas.
Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. Make
sure you pass this on to a friend. And here's
a reminder for you. I am forever in your corner
(26:13):
and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening. If
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor
Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace
difficult feelings, you've just got to be motivated every day
and if you're not, then what are you doing? And
actually humans don't work that way, but motivation, you have
to treat it like any other emotion. Some days it
(26:35):
will be there, some days it won't
Host
Jay Shetty
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