July 28, 2023 • 37 mins
Have you ever found yourself surrounded by negative and toxic people, draining your energy and hindering your growth?
Are you getting tired of having to deal with them all the time?
Find out how to break free from the shackles of toxicity and cultivate a life filled with positivity, purpose, and meaningful connections.
Today, we will look deep into the realm of toxic relationships, toxic workplaces, and the detrimental effects they can have on our well-being. Learn practical ways to establish healthy parameters and constraints in various areas of your life, find the wisdom of accepting people as they are and focusing on your own growth and well-being, and gain insights into fostering healthier dynamics through structured approaches.
We can also learn how this practice can contribute to greater self-awareness and personal growth and empowering techniques to shift your focus and energy towards positive influences and experiences.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to set boundaries at work
How to stop trying to fix others' flaws
How to start creating systems that work for you
The practice of being more empathetic to others
How to minimize toxic people's impact in your life
With the wisdom of these transformative strategies, we can navigate life's challenges with grace and embrace the path to greater well-being and fulfillment.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:47 How do we deal with negative and toxic people in our lives?
04:44 Many people feel alone even when they are surrounded by friends and family?
06:16 Do you have a toxic workplace? How many people do you know are working in one?
08:20 What is toxic leadership? Is this the main reason why employees leave their company?
10:41 Why do people feel like they’re in a poorly designed job?
15:53 Strategy #1: Set boundaries by setting parameters and constraints
18:03 Strategy #2: The 75/25 rule is when you spend 75% of your time and focus on people who lift you up, and the remaining 25% with people out of necessity
20:11 Strategy #3: We don’t need to fix the negative and toxic people in our life
21:39 Strategy #4: Systems are incredible ways of avoiding emotional baggage in an organization, in a team, and even in a relationship
23:33 Strategy #5: Create policies and agreements with yourself
26:14 Strategy #6: Notice where this trait comes from for them and try to understand it better
27:29 Strategy #7: Often, the trait you don't like in someone, it's a trait that you possess somewhere deep down inside
28:44 Strategy #8: Don’t amplify their presence
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Listen to the next episode of On Purpose to hear
me interview the President of the United States, Joe Biden,
Mister President opens up about grief, connection, childhood battles that
have shaped him personal mental health, and mental health at large.
You don't want to miss it. Hey, everyone, I'm so
excited because we're going to be adding a really special
(00:20):
offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays.
The Daily Jay is a daily series on Calm and
it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques
to live a more mindful, stress free life. We dive
into a range of topics and the best part is
each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can
incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are.
(00:43):
As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I
wanted to do something special for you this year, so
I'll be playing a hand picked Daily Jay during each
of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're tackling the topic
of mindset and how to approach life with focus, perspective,
and positivity. Of course, if you want to listen to
The Daily Jay every day, you have to subscribe to Calm,
(01:06):
so go to Calm dot com forward slash j for
forty percent off your membership today. Hey everyone, welcome back
to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Thanks to each and every one of you that come
back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, I
(01:28):
am so grateful that you come back every week. It
means the world to me. I know some of you
come back every day, and I just want to take
a moment to say how much I love bumping into you.
I've bumped into so many of you while traveling recently
on the streets on planes. Just it's so special because
I feel so connected to each and every one of
you that listen, because we have a similar value set,
(01:52):
we're connecting on the same ideas, we're operating at a
similar frequency, and so I honestly don't take it for
granted when one of you come and says, hi, it
means the world to me. Please always do. It's beautiful
And I am so excited for you to listen to
today's episode because I always base these episodes on the
conversations I've been having that week, on things I've heard
(02:13):
from people, things that I'm seeing, things that I'm noticing,
and I find it fascinating that the number one thing
I hear is Jay, how do I deal with negative people?
How do I deal with toxic people? And everyone in
some area of their life, whether it's their family, whether
it's their work, maybe even your relationship, we all have
(02:34):
someone in our life who we consider to bring toxicity
and negativity into it. And I'm sure that when I
say that you're thinking of someone right now, you're thinking
of someone who maybe said something really uncomfortable to you recently.
Maybe they made a situation far more awkward than it
needed to be. Maybe they were judgmental or critical about
(02:57):
one of your ideas, or maybe there was someone who
just straight out makes fun of you and mocks you.
There are so many different types of toxic traits that
it would take so many podcasts to even go through
them in depth. But I think we've all experienced when
someone's gossiping about us, when someone makes you feel like
(03:18):
you don't know anything and they're superior to you. Maybe
someone in your life never apologizes. Maybe there's someone else
who's passive aggressive. There could be someone who's making you
feel guilty or shameful, and maybe there's someone who just
changes who they are depending on who they're with. There
are so many more negative toxic traits that we all experience.
(03:42):
And what I've found is that you're not alone. I
think sometimes we think, oh, well, that person has a
great group of friends, or you see someone on Instagram
and you think, oh my gosh, they must have no problems,
or their partner looks amazing, And it's so easy to
project perfection onto everyone else. How often have you done that?
Raise your hands right now, not right now, not if
(04:04):
you're driving. Just how many times have you projected perfection
onto another person's life when in reality we have no
idea what they're truly going through. And the more we
project perfection onto others' lives, we expect perfection from our
(04:25):
own lives, only to feel let down because it doesn't
happen in reality. I look at the studies as I
always like to do when I'm trying to understand a problem.
What I try and do is I try and understand
problems through research and studies and what people are doing
and saying and feeling, and I try and find you
(04:45):
solutions through practical steps ancient wisdom and putting in modern
science with that to help create these mini strategies for
all of you that I want to share today, and
today I'm going to share around eight of those with you.
So let's just take a look at this to recognize
how you're not alone, but how many people feel this way?
So one study said that in the United States, eighty
(05:08):
four percent of women and seventy five percent of men
report having at least one toxic friendship in their life.
This was according to Forbes. Furthermore, one in three US
adults struggle with friendly intimacy and express dissatisfaction with their
current connections, including their closest friends. Eighty four percent of
(05:29):
women and seventy five percent of men report having at
least one toxic friendship in their life, and one in
three US adults struggles with their current friend circle. What's
really interesting about that is if we also look at
the trends, we're feeling more lonely. The Surgeon General of
the United States has said we're having a loneliness epidemic.
(05:50):
We're feeling a lack of community. We're feeling like we're
more alone, even though supposedly we're technologically more connected to others,
but we feel less seen, less heard, and less understood,
which means the investment you're making in listening to this
episode is so important because the quality of our life
is defined by the quality of our connection. The quality
(06:12):
of our internal satisfaction is based on how much we
feel seen, heard, and understood by the people around us.
So I'm hoping that this episode is going to help
you improve that area of your life. And like I said,
this could be happening in your day to day life,
your family, your friends, your work life, or even your partner. Now,
(06:33):
let's look at a couple more statistics before we dive
into the age strategies. I want to share with you.
This one said that thirty million US workers think their
workplace is toxic. That's huge, thirty million US workers think
their workplace is toxic. This article by Business Insider went
(06:54):
on to share three things that are causing toxic work
cultures according to research. The first one it mentioned was
toxic social norms. And I think we can all think
about what a toxic social norm is inside an organization.
I remember when I was working in the corporate world,
(07:14):
I noticed how so many people treated people the way
they were treated. So if when you joined, your job
was to do everything that no one wanted to do. Now,
when you've been promoted, you expect everyone else to do
that as well. Right, I'm sure you've seen that before,
where someone talks to you in a certain way, deals
with you in a certain way, connects with you in
a certain way, not even because they think it's right,
(07:37):
but it's because what they went through was exactly the same.
And it shocks me that we don't realize how we
can be the people to stop these toxic cultures. How
when we're behaving with people in that way, it never
builds loyalty or long term relationships. And so toxic social
norms may be something you're experiencing, but one thing I'm
(07:58):
going to tell you is that a toxic social norm
is something you can break. You may be the first
person to break the cycle, but I promise you that
will save so many people, including yourself. When we subscribe
or say yes to as toxic social norm inside an organization,
we set ourselves up for failure because not only are
(08:19):
we perpetuating a cycle that began a long time ago,
we're now implicating ourselves to be surrounded by that energy
as well. And that's what I find is most toxic
and dangerous is that we're now surrounding ourselves and our
future in this organization with that culture. The second one
that the article pointed out was toxic leadership. Of course,
(08:42):
we all know what that feels like, and there was
a article in the Sloan Management Review that suggested that
toxic work cultures are the driving force behind the great
resignation and a recent corn Ferry study said thirty five
percent of employees say that the boss is their single
biggest source of stress at work. Now, again, this comes
(09:07):
to that same point. When people were not led well,
it's hard for them to lead well. Right, If you
are not led well, it's hard for you to lead
well because you haven't seen that behavior be mirrored or
presented or demonstrated. Now, some people do learn from that
kind of behavior. For me, I've always chosen to see
(09:31):
bad behavior as a reminder to me of what I
don't want to do. And I'll give you an example
for my own life. I remember every time I've been
in an organization, I've always been in companies where my
ideas are not taken seriously. I've been told to just
do my job and stick to it. If I show
initiative or innovation, it's rarely rewarded or seen as a
(09:53):
positive thing, and I'm really grateful for where my life
has taken me. But that also gave me confidence to
recognize that there were a lot of people who could
have potentially even got more out of me, but didn't
because they weren't able to see potential. And so for me,
I realized that when I was building my team and
building my community, a big priority for me was how
(10:14):
do I help individuals. How do I lead people to
bring the best out of them that they will actually
give so much more. And this is something inside my
organization that we call strengths, and I want everyone working
on their strengths. That helps them build up a good
level of self esteem, a good level of self confidence.
They feel a personal sense of reward and excitement and
(10:36):
enthusiasm because they're working on things that they're actually good at.
And at the same time, it's strengths, and so it's
strengths and working on a weakness strengths and working on
a passion strengths and working on something they're curious about.
That way, there's always growth and there's always a challenge.
And I find that structuring roles in this way really helps.
(10:57):
And this leads to the third point that was in
the article around poorly designed jobs. So many people just
feel like they're in a poorly designed job. This was
an article by Beatrice Nolan on Business Insider, and I
found that this was really well summarized by Nolan, because
(11:18):
when a job limits your potential, when you feel like
it's limited and limiting, you can't experience the expansive nature
of ideas. And I think all of us can experience this.
And what we have to realize is that the people
that are doing it to you probably also got the
same treatment. Now that doesn't mean it's okay, that doesn't
(11:39):
mean that it's an excuse. That doesn't mean that they
should be forgiven and it's fine, And you know, I'm
not saying that I'm what I'm trying to say is
that there is a lot more to this than meets
the eye. A couple more statistics I wanted to share
with you is that, according to the Journal of Violence
and Victims, forty eight point four percent of women and
forty eight point eight percent of men have experienced psychological
(12:01):
aggression from a partner. So we can see that whether
it's work, whether it's your partner, whether it's a friend.
All the studies point to this is something we're all
experiencing right now. The loneliness. Not of not being around people,
not of not being surrounded people, not about not being
invited to parties or engaged in other ways. It's the
(12:21):
fact that we don't really feel like someone wants what's
best for us. Someone wants us to win. And so
if you have someone in your life who wants you
to win, if you have someone in your life who
is excited for you, if you have someone in your
life who's supporting your growth, even if they're not qualified
(12:41):
or an expert, keep them close. Please value that person
so deeply. It's so easy for us here to talk
about the problem and say no one does it. But
I promise you there's someone in your life who's doing
it for you, and you may even just miss them.
Sometimes it's the most obvious person in your life, a
mom or dad, sister or a brother, a long term
(13:02):
friend who has just been around there and has become
like the furniture in your life that you don't even
see them anymore. Please see them too. It's so easy
for us to talk about the toxic people, the negative people,
the people who cause issues in our life. Please take
a moment to validate and acknowledge that incredible human. If
you do one thing after this episode, I want you
(13:22):
to call that person and just tell them, Tell them
you are listening to this episode and it reminded you
of them and that you're so grateful to them. Now,
I want to point out that toxicity is a spectrum
and it's not binary. Toxicity is something that we all experience,
we all demonstrate, we all have toxic traits that are
(13:42):
there from what has been referred to as small T
trauma or big T trauma. We all have them, and
so we're not looking at this as oh, it's a
toxic person or a negative person. We're all on that spectrum.
And I want to walk you through these eight steps
and strategies that are practical ways of dealing with this
in your life. This segment about sleep rituals is brought
(14:05):
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about having a sleep ritual. By having a sleep routine
(14:27):
or ritual, you can actually teach your brain to differentiate
between day and night, allowing it to unwind, relax, and
let go of all that day's stress. A consistent sleep
routine also helps regulate your body's internal clock, resulting in
better sleep quality and more RESTful nights. My personal favorite
ritual that I do before going to sleep is writing
(14:48):
in my journal. I write the things that I'm grateful
for that day. I also write down any lessons that
I've learned, or positive affirmations or uplifting quotes that resonate
with me. And if journaling is something that you're used to,
you can try to write at least three things that
you're thankful for, reflect on anything positive that has happened
that day, no matter how small, and express your gratitude
(15:10):
towards them. You don't need to worry if the writing
is messy or if it doesn't sound like it's making sense.
Just write and it will make you feel better after.
Another factor that can affect your sleep quality is the
mattress that you're using. Having a good mattress can give
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(15:31):
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I'm gonna share with you is we hear the word
(16:15):
boundaries a fair bit, and I think boundaries are really healthy.
But something that's been helping me, specifically with people with
negative or toxic traits in my life, is setting parameters
and constraints. Let me explain what I mean by that.
I may have someone who wants to talk to me
(16:37):
urgently and their toxic trait. Maybe they always call me
when they want something urgently, They always call me when
they need me for something to solve for them, but
they don't really do it for me. But on top
of that, they will make the most of that time,
but then disappear and I won't hear from them at
all until they need help again. And what I used
to realize is that I'm all happy to help, but
(17:01):
I often found myself going against my own self, my
own time, my own priorities, in order to do that
to feel like a good person. And I realized that
that made me more angry at myself. It made me
more upset with myself for not respecting myself and my
own boundaries. And so one thing I've started to do
is set parameters and constraints. And what I mean by
(17:23):
that is if someone says to me, hey, I really
need to talk to you right now, when they fall
into this category of an individual, then I'll say, well,
by the way, right now, I only have five minutes,
and I don't think that will help me address it.
Can we connect on Sunday at this time to really
talk about it. What I often find is not only
does that person. Really they may take the five minutes.
(17:45):
What I find is a lot of the time people
say Okay, I'll think about it, and then when I
message them, they will have solved it or found another way.
And what you've done is you've protected yourself. You've set
a parameter and a constraint to help them understand where
you're at. We have a lot of friends that get
made to feel bad when they're not available all the
time for someone, and communicating your constraints and parameters helps
(18:10):
people understand where you're at and what your priorities are
and recognizing that you still value them and care about them,
but that you can't always deliver. The next step I
want to share with you is something I call the
seventy five twenty five rule. And this one is probably
my favorite piece of advice. So a lot of you
(18:30):
will say, Jay, I can't limit my time completely with
some of these people because I see them all the time. Right,
It's hard if you have to see someone on your
team at work every day. It's hard if there's someone
in your family you have to see every holiday or
on a vacation, it's not possible to just limit time
with them, which sounds like a good piece of advice,
(18:51):
and it really is, but it sometimes doesn't suffice because
of the nature of that relationship and in those situations.
What I've understood is creating this seventy five twenty five rule.
What that means is seventy five percent of my time,
my energy, my focus has to be with people that
(19:12):
I lift up and lift me up and do not
operate in that way, and then twenty five percent of
my time, energy and focus has to maybe be with
these people out of necessity. So how do I create
a seventy five principle in my life of how do
I go and search out and seek for those people again,
not just people that lift me up, but people that
(19:34):
I'm peers with, that I'm partners with, that I'm working
on things with, that I'm collaborating with, creating with. So
that even though twenty five percent of my time, energy
and focus is with people who add toxicity and negativity
to my life, how can I be surrounded by so
much goodness? How can I be surrounded by so much
(19:54):
positive energy that I'm able to deal and navigate gate
the twenty five percent that is inevitable and avoidable? I
think what we often want to do is we want
to cut it out of our life completely, but it
isn't practically possible. We wish it would just go away,
but that's not reality, And the reality is that we've
(20:16):
got to put more energy into creating that chosen community.
How can we find that chosen community, How can we create,
curate build put effort into that chosen community. The third
method I want to share with you is you don't
have to fix them. A lot of the time, the
stress we feel about negative and toxic people is we
(20:37):
feel we have to solve them, we have to fix
the situation at work, and that we need to work
tirelessly to figure it out. And often we can spend
so much of our energy trying to figure out something
negative that we don't use that same energy that could
create something positive and brilliant. We have to take off
that burden and that over warming responsibility that we often
(21:02):
carry that I need to fix them. I need to
be the one who will make them change. I need
to teach them something. They need to learn something. And
what we don't realize is that how they learn and
who they'll learn from may not be us. It may
(21:23):
not be our position in their life, it may not
be the relationship we have with them. And so instead
of taking on that stress and burden, which means we're
spending every hour that we're not with them trying to
figure out them and think about them, we're only depleting
and exhausting our own energy. So I want you to
really consider that, how much of your time do you
(21:45):
spend thinking about how to solve something that you're not
in charge of, And if you are going to solve it,
one of the best ways to do it is to
build a system. I find that systems are incredible ways
of avoiding emotional baggage in an organization, in a team,
(22:08):
and even in a relationship. If you have a system.
I'll give you an example one thing that was happening
to one of my clients. My client has their assistant,
and their assistant always gets messages saying, oh, your boss
told me to schedule some time, and the assistant used
to take that to be true and would schedule the time.
(22:28):
The boss would then say, why did you schedule that
time with me? I never said that the lack of
a system was creating a pattern and a problem for them,
and often with people they didn't want to spend time with.
So they created a system that that person would write
to their assistant, the assistant would talk to them and
then communicate their exact priorities and challenges for the day.
(22:50):
And I think it's so important to recognize that a
system can solve what emotions often can't. Often we've struggle
to have and emotionally mature conversation with someone we think
is toxic or negative or as toxic traits, and a
system can solve that far better. So that's really the
fourth step is what's your system? And checking your schedule
(23:14):
is a great system by saying, let me just check
that with my team, let me just check that back
at home, and that protects you in the moment from
saying yes or agreeing to something that you don't want
to agree for, and then being able to communicate more
effectively in the future. The problem with negative and toxic
people is everything always feels urgent, everything always feels like
(23:35):
it has to be done right now, and giving ourselves
that time and space actually gives us the ability to
respond in a way that we truly want to, rather
than feeling the pressure now. The fifth step is creating
a policy. I think this kind of goes align with
(23:55):
the systems that I was saying earlier, But this is
more of a personal policy. So we know that governments
make policy, companies have policies, but I want you to
create policies and agreements with yourself. I'll give an example.
One of my clients was dealing with someone who would
always try and bring down their achievement. That person would
(24:16):
always have something negative to say. If they posted on
Instagram and they bumped into this person, this person would
always say, oh yeah, but you know what if this
goes wrong, this person would always rarely want to celebrate
them and this would really play on their mind. So
I asked them, in the same way as I'm sharing
with you, to create a policy, to create an agreement.
The agreement they made is I'm not going to see
that person when I've had good news. I'm not going
(24:38):
to hang out with that group of friends when I've
had good news. Now I'm not saying that's the right answer,
but it worked for them. They created a policy. It's
creating an if this then that scenario. Where is it
and when is it that this person really gets under
your skin? Is it on that holiday party? Is it
when you're presenting something at work? Is it when you're
(25:02):
trying to get your point across. How can you prepare
for that moment before it happens? For another person, another
friend I worked with, they found that every time they
shared an idea at work, this person at the table
would shut it down. So instead of presenting their idea
at the first time at the table where they'd feel insecure,
and often they wouldn't even share their idea, they would
(25:23):
go around and meet with other people in the company
and share that idea beforehand to get their feedback so
that they could share an improved idea at the table.
Now when this person tried to shut them down, everyone
else would say, oh no, but we workshoped this already
and we figured that out. Now everyone else was able
to support them. If we're aware of how we're triggered,
(25:44):
when we're triggered, and what happens when we're triggered, we
can actually prepare. So create that policy, create that agreement
with yourself. What is it? Because if you keep just
setting yourself up for failure by saying, oh, this time,
I'm just going to present a better idea or no,
what is the practice? What is the strategy that you
can take to protect yourself. And I think that's the
(26:06):
key word here. You're trying to protect yourself not by avoidance,
not by dimming your light, not by being less proactive
and powerful, but by being more thoughtful and mindful about
actually solving the root of the issue. The root of
the issue is you maybe haven't gone out and got
enough support. Let's focus on that rather than focusing on
(26:29):
this one person derailing everything. The sixth step is slightly challenging,
but I want you to consider it, notice where this
trait comes from for them, and try to understand it better.
For example, it always helps me recognizing that some of
the leaders who limited my potential are people who had
their potential limited. It's likely that they've gone through something
(26:52):
that's made them that way. Let me reflect on that,
let me be aware of that, let me be conscious
of that. Let me not disregard the fact that they
didn't have those opportunities either. Now why is this useful?
It's useful because you start to realize it isn't personal,
it's not about you. The biggest mistake we make with
(27:12):
toxic and negative people we think it's something we do,
and we take on that guilt and we take on
that shame and we think we need to change something,
and we don't realize that by recognizing the pain that
they've been through, we get to recognize that that pain
is out pouring onto us, not because of who we
are as a person. The pain someone caused them is
(27:34):
pouring out onto you, but not because of the person
that you are. That creates a distance between you and
that pain, and you need that to protect yourself. Again. Now,
the seventh tip is counterintuitive to that, and as the
opposite of that, this was something I learned during my
time as a monk that really helped me and I've
(27:55):
often shared it with friends and it's a challenging one,
but it's noticed where you have the trait that you
don't like in someone, often the trait you don't like
in someone is a trait that you possess somewhere deep
down inside. And if you can just scan your life
and think where do I do that. There's a friend
in my life who always felt that no one put
(28:18):
effort with them, no one cared about them. But actually
when I help them reflect, they found that they were
that friend in their relationships. And it's really interesting. We
think that someone who has a toxic or negative trait
is really aware of it. Chances are we're not. I
realize that in myself there are so many people that
I want more attention from or affection from, and I
(28:40):
don't realize there are so many people in my life
who want attention and affection from me. And noticing that
we have that trait helps build compassion and understanding for
the human condition, which is so complex and challenging. That
compassion allows us to give ourselves grace, and it allows
us to give them grace as well. And the eighth
(29:01):
and final step I want to share with you is
don't amplify their presence. We pay too much attention to
the people that cause us pain, and we pay too
little attention to the people that help us. Find out potential.
Seek our mentors, seek out guides. Connect with those people,
find places, find communities to create those connections because they'll
(29:25):
last a lot longer. The toxicity will be temporary, but
the energy could be endless. Thank you so much for
listening to on Purpose. Please make sure you leave your reviews.
I read them regularly to connect with you to understand
how we can improve. I want you to know that
I'm always trying to improve the podcast. I'm always trying
(29:46):
to improve our partners here. I'm always trying to make
sure that we're communicating with you effectively because I value
so much and I really value you so Thank you
so much for being here, and make sure to look
out for Monday's episode. The next guest episode to hear
me interview the President of the United States, Joe Biden.
Mister President opens up about grief, connection, childhood battles that
(30:09):
have shaped him personal mental health, and mental health at large.
You don't want to miss it. It's fairly easy to
notice the good as you go through your day, like
finishing work early or having a great workout. It's tougher
(30:33):
to notice the positive when you hit a snag or
a setback when something doesn't go your way. But learning
to find the beauty in imperfect moments can be life changing.
So today we're going to shift our mindset to do
just that. The next seven minutes are about your perspective
(30:56):
and how to see those sneaky silver linings. I'm jay
Is Sheddy. Welcome to the Davy j First, let's start
with a few mindful breaths to get a little more
centered breathing in and breathing out, stomach and chest expanding, body,
(31:22):
relaxing and softening, letting go of distractions, and tuning into
the present. Beautiful Today, I'd like to share an old story.
It's about a wise woman in a small mountain village.
(31:45):
Every day, this woman carried two buckets of water, which
hung from a bamboo pole slung over her shoulders. One
bucket was solid and unbroken, the other worn and cracked.
Day after day, she filled her buckets from the well
and walked them along the same dirt path through town,
(32:07):
water trickling from the cracked bucket until it was only
half full. One day, a villager asked why the woman
continued using the leaky bucket. She paused, then pointed to
one side of the path. To side under the full bucket,
(32:27):
It was barren, not a blade of grass was growing.
Then she pointed to the other side of the path.
It was a lush blooming with colorful wildflowers. And here's
what she said, look at the beauty that imperfection has made.
(32:50):
How many of us would get frustrated by the leaky bucket.
How many of us would rush to fix the leak
or get fixated on it without to notice the wildflowers
it produced. But look what you can find when you
look beyond the floor. Within imperfection lies the opportunity to
(33:13):
find something positive, to find beauty. And when you open
up to that possibility, it can transform the way you
experience life. Because life is full of stumbles and setbacks,
obstacles and inconveniences, leaky buckets. But imagine if when you
(33:36):
hit a bump in the road, instead of focusing on
the obstacle, you look for the opportunity. Stuck in traffic
on its face, that's frustrating. No one wants to sit
staring at someone's tail lights. But what if you pause
and shift your perspective. Maybe you now have time to
(33:58):
finish that podcast, catch up with a friend, or simply
look out the window for the first time all day.
Didn't get that job, no doubt, it's disappointing. Rejection is hard,
and I don't expect you to celebrate here. But perhaps
now you're that much more prepared for the next interview,
(34:21):
or you made important new connections. At first, it may
be challenging. This is not the positive that's right in
front of your face. This is the open window next
to the closed door, the rainstorm that washes your dusty
(34:41):
car clean, the flowers under the leaky bucket. Of course,
some leaky buckets are just well leaky. Sometimes wildflowers don't grow.
But more often than not, if we look for a
lesson or a silver lining, if we look for the beauty,
(35:05):
we'll find it. And once you train your brain to
look beyond your first reaction, you'll be more likely to
see the upside in even the most unlikely situations. Now
we're going to try this out as we turn to
our meditation. We're going to practice searching for the good. First,
(35:29):
get comfortable wherever you are, allowing your body to relax,
breathing in a full, deep breath, breathing out, letting it
all go. Try finding an anchor in this moment, something
(35:52):
to focus your attention on. It could be the feeling
of the breath entering and leaving your body, maybe the
rise and fall of your stomach. Anytime your mind drifts,
(36:15):
noticing where it went and seeing if you can gently
bring it back to that anchor. And let's open this
up a bit. See if you can bring to mind
a time when something didn't go your way. Now, this
(36:38):
doesn't have to be a big thing. You can start small.
Did you fixate on the problem or rush to try
to fix it? Now? Try looking beyond the initial frustration.
(36:58):
What good may have come from it? Can you discover
a silver lining? If unpleasant feelings come up, that's okay too.
We're not dismissing what's difficult here. We're just seeing if
we can find the positive beyond the negative, allowing ourselves
(37:22):
to make space for it all. Life can be challenging.
There's really nothing we can do about that, but we
do have the power to change our perspective. So when
your buckets leaking, look for the flowers. Thank you for
trying something new with me. I'm grateful for you, and
(37:44):
I can't wait to connect once again tomorrow.
Listen to the next episode of On Purpose to hear
me interview the President of the United States, Joe Biden,
Mister President opens up about grief, connection, childhood battles that
have shaped him personal mental health, and mental health at large.
You don't want to miss it. Hey, everyone, I'm so
excited because we're going to be adding a really special
(00:20):
offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays.
The Daily Jay is a daily series on Calm and
it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques
to live a more mindful, stress free life. We dive
into a range of topics and the best part is
each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can
incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are.
(00:43):
As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I
wanted to do something special for you this year, so
I'll be playing a hand picked Daily Jay during each
of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're tackling the topic
of mindset and how to approach life with focus, perspective,
and positivity. Of course, if you want to listen to
The Daily Jay every day, you have to subscribe to Calm,
(01:06):
so go to Calm dot com forward slash j for
forty percent off your membership today. Hey everyone, welcome back
to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Thanks to each and every one of you that come
back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, I
(01:28):
am so grateful that you come back every week. It
means the world to me. I know some of you
come back every day, and I just want to take
a moment to say how much I love bumping into you.
I've bumped into so many of you while traveling recently
on the streets on planes. Just it's so special because
I feel so connected to each and every one of
you that listen, because we have a similar value set,
(01:52):
we're connecting on the same ideas, we're operating at a
similar frequency, and so I honestly don't take it for
granted when one of you come and says, hi, it
means the world to me. Please always do. It's beautiful
And I am so excited for you to listen to
today's episode because I always base these episodes on the
conversations I've been having that week, on things I've heard
(02:13):
from people, things that I'm seeing, things that I'm noticing,
and I find it fascinating that the number one thing
I hear is Jay, how do I deal with negative people?
How do I deal with toxic people? And everyone in
some area of their life, whether it's their family, whether
it's their work, maybe even your relationship, we all have
(02:34):
someone in our life who we consider to bring toxicity
and negativity into it. And I'm sure that when I
say that you're thinking of someone right now, you're thinking
of someone who maybe said something really uncomfortable to you recently.
Maybe they made a situation far more awkward than it
needed to be. Maybe they were judgmental or critical about
(02:57):
one of your ideas, or maybe there was someone who
just straight out makes fun of you and mocks you.
There are so many different types of toxic traits that
it would take so many podcasts to even go through
them in depth. But I think we've all experienced when
someone's gossiping about us, when someone makes you feel like
(03:18):
you don't know anything and they're superior to you. Maybe
someone in your life never apologizes. Maybe there's someone else
who's passive aggressive. There could be someone who's making you
feel guilty or shameful, and maybe there's someone who just
changes who they are depending on who they're with. There
are so many more negative toxic traits that we all experience.
(03:42):
And what I've found is that you're not alone. I
think sometimes we think, oh, well, that person has a
great group of friends, or you see someone on Instagram
and you think, oh my gosh, they must have no problems,
or their partner looks amazing, And it's so easy to
project perfection onto everyone else. How often have you done that?
Raise your hands right now, not right now, not if
(04:04):
you're driving. Just how many times have you projected perfection
onto another person's life when in reality we have no
idea what they're truly going through. And the more we
project perfection onto others' lives, we expect perfection from our
(04:25):
own lives, only to feel let down because it doesn't
happen in reality. I look at the studies as I
always like to do when I'm trying to understand a problem.
What I try and do is I try and understand
problems through research and studies and what people are doing
and saying and feeling, and I try and find you
(04:45):
solutions through practical steps ancient wisdom and putting in modern
science with that to help create these mini strategies for
all of you that I want to share today, and
today I'm going to share around eight of those with you.
So let's just take a look at this to recognize
how you're not alone, but how many people feel this way?
So one study said that in the United States, eighty
(05:08):
four percent of women and seventy five percent of men
report having at least one toxic friendship in their life.
This was according to Forbes. Furthermore, one in three US
adults struggle with friendly intimacy and express dissatisfaction with their
current connections, including their closest friends. Eighty four percent of
(05:29):
women and seventy five percent of men report having at
least one toxic friendship in their life, and one in
three US adults struggles with their current friend circle. What's
really interesting about that is if we also look at
the trends, we're feeling more lonely. The Surgeon General of
the United States has said we're having a loneliness epidemic.
(05:50):
We're feeling a lack of community. We're feeling like we're
more alone, even though supposedly we're technologically more connected to others,
but we feel less seen, less heard, and less understood,
which means the investment you're making in listening to this
episode is so important because the quality of our life
is defined by the quality of our connection. The quality
(06:12):
of our internal satisfaction is based on how much we
feel seen, heard, and understood by the people around us.
So I'm hoping that this episode is going to help
you improve that area of your life. And like I said,
this could be happening in your day to day life,
your family, your friends, your work life, or even your partner. Now,
(06:33):
let's look at a couple more statistics before we dive
into the age strategies. I want to share with you.
This one said that thirty million US workers think their
workplace is toxic. That's huge, thirty million US workers think
their workplace is toxic. This article by Business Insider went
(06:54):
on to share three things that are causing toxic work
cultures according to research. The first one it mentioned was
toxic social norms. And I think we can all think
about what a toxic social norm is inside an organization.
I remember when I was working in the corporate world,
(07:14):
I noticed how so many people treated people the way
they were treated. So if when you joined, your job
was to do everything that no one wanted to do. Now,
when you've been promoted, you expect everyone else to do
that as well. Right, I'm sure you've seen that before,
where someone talks to you in a certain way, deals
with you in a certain way, connects with you in
a certain way, not even because they think it's right,
(07:37):
but it's because what they went through was exactly the same.
And it shocks me that we don't realize how we
can be the people to stop these toxic cultures. How
when we're behaving with people in that way, it never
builds loyalty or long term relationships. And so toxic social
norms may be something you're experiencing, but one thing I'm
(07:58):
going to tell you is that a toxic social norm
is something you can break. You may be the first
person to break the cycle, but I promise you that
will save so many people, including yourself. When we subscribe
or say yes to as toxic social norm inside an organization,
we set ourselves up for failure because not only are
(08:19):
we perpetuating a cycle that began a long time ago,
we're now implicating ourselves to be surrounded by that energy
as well. And that's what I find is most toxic
and dangerous is that we're now surrounding ourselves and our
future in this organization with that culture. The second one
that the article pointed out was toxic leadership. Of course,
(08:42):
we all know what that feels like, and there was
a article in the Sloan Management Review that suggested that
toxic work cultures are the driving force behind the great
resignation and a recent corn Ferry study said thirty five
percent of employees say that the boss is their single
biggest source of stress at work. Now, again, this comes
(09:07):
to that same point. When people were not led well,
it's hard for them to lead well. Right, If you
are not led well, it's hard for you to lead
well because you haven't seen that behavior be mirrored or
presented or demonstrated. Now, some people do learn from that
kind of behavior. For me, I've always chosen to see
(09:31):
bad behavior as a reminder to me of what I
don't want to do. And I'll give you an example
for my own life. I remember every time I've been
in an organization, I've always been in companies where my
ideas are not taken seriously. I've been told to just
do my job and stick to it. If I show
initiative or innovation, it's rarely rewarded or seen as a
(09:53):
positive thing, and I'm really grateful for where my life
has taken me. But that also gave me confidence to
recognize that there were a lot of people who could
have potentially even got more out of me, but didn't
because they weren't able to see potential. And so for me,
I realized that when I was building my team and
building my community, a big priority for me was how
(10:14):
do I help individuals. How do I lead people to
bring the best out of them that they will actually
give so much more. And this is something inside my
organization that we call strengths, and I want everyone working
on their strengths. That helps them build up a good
level of self esteem, a good level of self confidence.
They feel a personal sense of reward and excitement and
(10:36):
enthusiasm because they're working on things that they're actually good at.
And at the same time, it's strengths, and so it's
strengths and working on a weakness strengths and working on
a passion strengths and working on something they're curious about.
That way, there's always growth and there's always a challenge.
And I find that structuring roles in this way really helps.
(10:57):
And this leads to the third point that was in
the article around poorly designed jobs. So many people just
feel like they're in a poorly designed job. This was
an article by Beatrice Nolan on Business Insider, and I
found that this was really well summarized by Nolan, because
(11:18):
when a job limits your potential, when you feel like
it's limited and limiting, you can't experience the expansive nature
of ideas. And I think all of us can experience this.
And what we have to realize is that the people
that are doing it to you probably also got the
same treatment. Now that doesn't mean it's okay, that doesn't
(11:39):
mean that it's an excuse. That doesn't mean that they
should be forgiven and it's fine, And you know, I'm
not saying that I'm what I'm trying to say is
that there is a lot more to this than meets
the eye. A couple more statistics I wanted to share
with you is that, according to the Journal of Violence
and Victims, forty eight point four percent of women and
forty eight point eight percent of men have experienced psychological
(12:01):
aggression from a partner. So we can see that whether
it's work, whether it's your partner, whether it's a friend.
All the studies point to this is something we're all
experiencing right now. The loneliness. Not of not being around people,
not of not being surrounded people, not about not being
invited to parties or engaged in other ways. It's the
(12:21):
fact that we don't really feel like someone wants what's
best for us. Someone wants us to win. And so
if you have someone in your life who wants you
to win, if you have someone in your life who
is excited for you, if you have someone in your
life who's supporting your growth, even if they're not qualified
(12:41):
or an expert, keep them close. Please value that person
so deeply. It's so easy for us here to talk
about the problem and say no one does it. But
I promise you there's someone in your life who's doing
it for you, and you may even just miss them.
Sometimes it's the most obvious person in your life, a
mom or dad, sister or a brother, a long term
(13:02):
friend who has just been around there and has become
like the furniture in your life that you don't even
see them anymore. Please see them too. It's so easy
for us to talk about the toxic people, the negative people,
the people who cause issues in our life. Please take
a moment to validate and acknowledge that incredible human. If
you do one thing after this episode, I want you
(13:22):
to call that person and just tell them, Tell them
you are listening to this episode and it reminded you
of them and that you're so grateful to them. Now,
I want to point out that toxicity is a spectrum
and it's not binary. Toxicity is something that we all experience,
we all demonstrate, we all have toxic traits that are
(13:42):
there from what has been referred to as small T
trauma or big T trauma. We all have them, and
so we're not looking at this as oh, it's a
toxic person or a negative person. We're all on that spectrum.
And I want to walk you through these eight steps
and strategies that are practical ways of dealing with this
in your life. This segment about sleep rituals is brought
(14:05):
to you by dream Cloud Sleep, the world's most affordable
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your entire existence on this earth is spent sleeping or
trying to sleep so let me tell you a little
bit about how you can improve your sleep. It's all
about having a sleep ritual. By having a sleep routine
(14:27):
or ritual, you can actually teach your brain to differentiate
between day and night, allowing it to unwind, relax, and
let go of all that day's stress. A consistent sleep
routine also helps regulate your body's internal clock, resulting in
better sleep quality and more RESTful nights. My personal favorite
ritual that I do before going to sleep is writing
(14:48):
in my journal. I write the things that I'm grateful
for that day. I also write down any lessons that
I've learned, or positive affirmations or uplifting quotes that resonate
with me. And if journaling is something that you're used to,
you can try to write at least three things that
you're thankful for, reflect on anything positive that has happened
that day, no matter how small, and express your gratitude
(15:10):
towards them. You don't need to worry if the writing
is messy or if it doesn't sound like it's making sense.
Just write and it will make you feel better after.
Another factor that can affect your sleep quality is the
mattress that you're using. Having a good mattress can give
you the right comfort and support, which means you could
sleep deeply and wake up feeling refreshed, which is essential
(15:31):
for your overall health, reducing pain and feeling your best.
With dream Cloud, it's much more than just buying a bed.
It's an investment in yourself. Their mattresses are a dreamy
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any mattress purchase dream Cloud rest Reimagined. The first thing
I'm gonna share with you is we hear the word
(16:15):
boundaries a fair bit, and I think boundaries are really healthy.
But something that's been helping me, specifically with people with
negative or toxic traits in my life, is setting parameters
and constraints. Let me explain what I mean by that.
I may have someone who wants to talk to me
(16:37):
urgently and their toxic trait. Maybe they always call me
when they want something urgently, They always call me when
they need me for something to solve for them, but
they don't really do it for me. But on top
of that, they will make the most of that time,
but then disappear and I won't hear from them at
all until they need help again. And what I used
to realize is that I'm all happy to help, but
(17:01):
I often found myself going against my own self, my
own time, my own priorities, in order to do that
to feel like a good person. And I realized that
that made me more angry at myself. It made me
more upset with myself for not respecting myself and my
own boundaries. And so one thing I've started to do
is set parameters and constraints. And what I mean by
(17:23):
that is if someone says to me, hey, I really
need to talk to you right now, when they fall
into this category of an individual, then I'll say, well,
by the way, right now, I only have five minutes,
and I don't think that will help me address it.
Can we connect on Sunday at this time to really
talk about it. What I often find is not only
does that person. Really they may take the five minutes.
(17:45):
What I find is a lot of the time people
say Okay, I'll think about it, and then when I
message them, they will have solved it or found another way.
And what you've done is you've protected yourself. You've set
a parameter and a constraint to help them understand where
you're at. We have a lot of friends that get
made to feel bad when they're not available all the
time for someone, and communicating your constraints and parameters helps
(18:10):
people understand where you're at and what your priorities are
and recognizing that you still value them and care about them,
but that you can't always deliver. The next step I
want to share with you is something I call the
seventy five twenty five rule. And this one is probably
my favorite piece of advice. So a lot of you
(18:30):
will say, Jay, I can't limit my time completely with
some of these people because I see them all the time. Right,
It's hard if you have to see someone on your
team at work every day. It's hard if there's someone
in your family you have to see every holiday or
on a vacation, it's not possible to just limit time
with them, which sounds like a good piece of advice,
(18:51):
and it really is, but it sometimes doesn't suffice because
of the nature of that relationship and in those situations.
What I've understood is creating this seventy five twenty five rule.
What that means is seventy five percent of my time,
my energy, my focus has to be with people that
(19:12):
I lift up and lift me up and do not
operate in that way, and then twenty five percent of
my time, energy and focus has to maybe be with
these people out of necessity. So how do I create
a seventy five principle in my life of how do
I go and search out and seek for those people again,
not just people that lift me up, but people that
(19:34):
I'm peers with, that I'm partners with, that I'm working
on things with, that I'm collaborating with, creating with. So
that even though twenty five percent of my time, energy
and focus is with people who add toxicity and negativity
to my life, how can I be surrounded by so
much goodness? How can I be surrounded by so much
(19:54):
positive energy that I'm able to deal and navigate gate
the twenty five percent that is inevitable and avoidable? I
think what we often want to do is we want
to cut it out of our life completely, but it
isn't practically possible. We wish it would just go away,
but that's not reality, And the reality is that we've
(20:16):
got to put more energy into creating that chosen community.
How can we find that chosen community, How can we create,
curate build put effort into that chosen community. The third
method I want to share with you is you don't
have to fix them. A lot of the time, the
stress we feel about negative and toxic people is we
(20:37):
feel we have to solve them, we have to fix
the situation at work, and that we need to work
tirelessly to figure it out. And often we can spend
so much of our energy trying to figure out something
negative that we don't use that same energy that could
create something positive and brilliant. We have to take off
that burden and that over warming responsibility that we often
(21:02):
carry that I need to fix them. I need to
be the one who will make them change. I need
to teach them something. They need to learn something. And
what we don't realize is that how they learn and
who they'll learn from may not be us. It may
(21:23):
not be our position in their life, it may not
be the relationship we have with them. And so instead
of taking on that stress and burden, which means we're
spending every hour that we're not with them trying to
figure out them and think about them, we're only depleting
and exhausting our own energy. So I want you to
really consider that, how much of your time do you
(21:45):
spend thinking about how to solve something that you're not
in charge of, And if you are going to solve it,
one of the best ways to do it is to
build a system. I find that systems are incredible ways
of avoiding emotional baggage in an organization, in a team,
(22:08):
and even in a relationship. If you have a system.
I'll give you an example one thing that was happening
to one of my clients. My client has their assistant,
and their assistant always gets messages saying, oh, your boss
told me to schedule some time, and the assistant used
to take that to be true and would schedule the time.
(22:28):
The boss would then say, why did you schedule that
time with me? I never said that the lack of
a system was creating a pattern and a problem for them,
and often with people they didn't want to spend time with.
So they created a system that that person would write
to their assistant, the assistant would talk to them and
then communicate their exact priorities and challenges for the day.
(22:50):
And I think it's so important to recognize that a
system can solve what emotions often can't. Often we've struggle
to have and emotionally mature conversation with someone we think
is toxic or negative or as toxic traits, and a
system can solve that far better. So that's really the
fourth step is what's your system? And checking your schedule
(23:14):
is a great system by saying, let me just check
that with my team, let me just check that back
at home, and that protects you in the moment from
saying yes or agreeing to something that you don't want
to agree for, and then being able to communicate more
effectively in the future. The problem with negative and toxic
people is everything always feels urgent, everything always feels like
(23:35):
it has to be done right now, and giving ourselves
that time and space actually gives us the ability to
respond in a way that we truly want to, rather
than feeling the pressure now. The fifth step is creating
a policy. I think this kind of goes align with
(23:55):
the systems that I was saying earlier, But this is
more of a personal policy. So we know that governments
make policy, companies have policies, but I want you to
create policies and agreements with yourself. I'll give an example.
One of my clients was dealing with someone who would
always try and bring down their achievement. That person would
(24:16):
always have something negative to say. If they posted on
Instagram and they bumped into this person, this person would
always say, oh yeah, but you know what if this
goes wrong, this person would always rarely want to celebrate
them and this would really play on their mind. So
I asked them, in the same way as I'm sharing
with you, to create a policy, to create an agreement.
The agreement they made is I'm not going to see
that person when I've had good news. I'm not going
(24:38):
to hang out with that group of friends when I've
had good news. Now I'm not saying that's the right answer,
but it worked for them. They created a policy. It's
creating an if this then that scenario. Where is it
and when is it that this person really gets under
your skin? Is it on that holiday party? Is it
when you're presenting something at work? Is it when you're
(25:02):
trying to get your point across. How can you prepare
for that moment before it happens? For another person, another
friend I worked with, they found that every time they
shared an idea at work, this person at the table
would shut it down. So instead of presenting their idea
at the first time at the table where they'd feel insecure,
and often they wouldn't even share their idea, they would
(25:23):
go around and meet with other people in the company
and share that idea beforehand to get their feedback so
that they could share an improved idea at the table.
Now when this person tried to shut them down, everyone
else would say, oh no, but we workshoped this already
and we figured that out. Now everyone else was able
to support them. If we're aware of how we're triggered,
(25:44):
when we're triggered, and what happens when we're triggered, we
can actually prepare. So create that policy, create that agreement
with yourself. What is it? Because if you keep just
setting yourself up for failure by saying, oh, this time,
I'm just going to present a better idea or no,
what is the practice? What is the strategy that you
can take to protect yourself. And I think that's the
(26:06):
key word here. You're trying to protect yourself not by avoidance,
not by dimming your light, not by being less proactive
and powerful, but by being more thoughtful and mindful about
actually solving the root of the issue. The root of
the issue is you maybe haven't gone out and got
enough support. Let's focus on that rather than focusing on
(26:29):
this one person derailing everything. The sixth step is slightly challenging,
but I want you to consider it, notice where this
trait comes from for them, and try to understand it better.
For example, it always helps me recognizing that some of
the leaders who limited my potential are people who had
their potential limited. It's likely that they've gone through something
(26:52):
that's made them that way. Let me reflect on that,
let me be aware of that, let me be conscious
of that. Let me not disregard the fact that they
didn't have those opportunities either. Now why is this useful?
It's useful because you start to realize it isn't personal,
it's not about you. The biggest mistake we make with
(27:12):
toxic and negative people we think it's something we do,
and we take on that guilt and we take on
that shame and we think we need to change something,
and we don't realize that by recognizing the pain that
they've been through, we get to recognize that that pain
is out pouring onto us, not because of who we
are as a person. The pain someone caused them is
(27:34):
pouring out onto you, but not because of the person
that you are. That creates a distance between you and
that pain, and you need that to protect yourself. Again. Now,
the seventh tip is counterintuitive to that, and as the
opposite of that, this was something I learned during my
time as a monk that really helped me and I've
(27:55):
often shared it with friends and it's a challenging one,
but it's noticed where you have the trait that you
don't like in someone, often the trait you don't like
in someone is a trait that you possess somewhere deep
down inside. And if you can just scan your life
and think where do I do that. There's a friend
in my life who always felt that no one put
(28:18):
effort with them, no one cared about them. But actually
when I help them reflect, they found that they were
that friend in their relationships. And it's really interesting. We
think that someone who has a toxic or negative trait
is really aware of it. Chances are we're not. I
realize that in myself there are so many people that
I want more attention from or affection from, and I
(28:40):
don't realize there are so many people in my life
who want attention and affection from me. And noticing that
we have that trait helps build compassion and understanding for
the human condition, which is so complex and challenging. That
compassion allows us to give ourselves grace, and it allows
us to give them grace as well. And the eighth
(29:01):
and final step I want to share with you is
don't amplify their presence. We pay too much attention to
the people that cause us pain, and we pay too
little attention to the people that help us. Find out potential.
Seek our mentors, seek out guides. Connect with those people,
find places, find communities to create those connections because they'll
(29:25):
last a lot longer. The toxicity will be temporary, but
the energy could be endless. Thank you so much for
listening to on Purpose. Please make sure you leave your reviews.
I read them regularly to connect with you to understand
how we can improve. I want you to know that
I'm always trying to improve the podcast. I'm always trying
(29:46):
to improve our partners here. I'm always trying to make
sure that we're communicating with you effectively because I value
so much and I really value you so Thank you
so much for being here, and make sure to look
out for Monday's episode. The next guest episode to hear
me interview the President of the United States, Joe Biden.
Mister President opens up about grief, connection, childhood battles that
(30:09):
have shaped him personal mental health, and mental health at large.
You don't want to miss it. It's fairly easy to
notice the good as you go through your day, like
finishing work early or having a great workout. It's tougher
(30:33):
to notice the positive when you hit a snag or
a setback when something doesn't go your way. But learning
to find the beauty in imperfect moments can be life changing.
So today we're going to shift our mindset to do
just that. The next seven minutes are about your perspective
(30:56):
and how to see those sneaky silver linings. I'm jay
Is Sheddy. Welcome to the Davy j First, let's start
with a few mindful breaths to get a little more
centered breathing in and breathing out, stomach and chest expanding, body,
(31:22):
relaxing and softening, letting go of distractions, and tuning into
the present. Beautiful Today, I'd like to share an old story.
It's about a wise woman in a small mountain village.
(31:45):
Every day, this woman carried two buckets of water, which
hung from a bamboo pole slung over her shoulders. One
bucket was solid and unbroken, the other worn and cracked.
Day after day, she filled her buckets from the well
and walked them along the same dirt path through town,
(32:07):
water trickling from the cracked bucket until it was only
half full. One day, a villager asked why the woman
continued using the leaky bucket. She paused, then pointed to
one side of the path. To side under the full bucket,
(32:27):
It was barren, not a blade of grass was growing.
Then she pointed to the other side of the path.
It was a lush blooming with colorful wildflowers. And here's
what she said, look at the beauty that imperfection has made.
(32:50):
How many of us would get frustrated by the leaky bucket.
How many of us would rush to fix the leak
or get fixated on it without to notice the wildflowers
it produced. But look what you can find when you
look beyond the floor. Within imperfection lies the opportunity to
(33:13):
find something positive, to find beauty. And when you open
up to that possibility, it can transform the way you
experience life. Because life is full of stumbles and setbacks,
obstacles and inconveniences, leaky buckets. But imagine if when you
(33:36):
hit a bump in the road, instead of focusing on
the obstacle, you look for the opportunity. Stuck in traffic
on its face, that's frustrating. No one wants to sit
staring at someone's tail lights. But what if you pause
and shift your perspective. Maybe you now have time to
(33:58):
finish that podcast, catch up with a friend, or simply
look out the window for the first time all day.
Didn't get that job, no doubt, it's disappointing. Rejection is hard,
and I don't expect you to celebrate here. But perhaps
now you're that much more prepared for the next interview,
(34:21):
or you made important new connections. At first, it may
be challenging. This is not the positive that's right in
front of your face. This is the open window next
to the closed door, the rainstorm that washes your dusty
(34:41):
car clean, the flowers under the leaky bucket. Of course,
some leaky buckets are just well leaky. Sometimes wildflowers don't grow.
But more often than not, if we look for a
lesson or a silver lining, if we look for the beauty,
(35:05):
we'll find it. And once you train your brain to
look beyond your first reaction, you'll be more likely to
see the upside in even the most unlikely situations. Now
we're going to try this out as we turn to
our meditation. We're going to practice searching for the good. First,
(35:29):
get comfortable wherever you are, allowing your body to relax,
breathing in a full, deep breath, breathing out, letting it
all go. Try finding an anchor in this moment, something
(35:52):
to focus your attention on. It could be the feeling
of the breath entering and leaving your body, maybe the
rise and fall of your stomach. Anytime your mind drifts,
(36:15):
noticing where it went and seeing if you can gently
bring it back to that anchor. And let's open this
up a bit. See if you can bring to mind
a time when something didn't go your way. Now, this
(36:38):
doesn't have to be a big thing. You can start small.
Did you fixate on the problem or rush to try
to fix it? Now? Try looking beyond the initial frustration.
(36:58):
What good may have come from it? Can you discover
a silver lining? If unpleasant feelings come up, that's okay too.
We're not dismissing what's difficult here. We're just seeing if
we can find the positive beyond the negative, allowing ourselves
(37:22):
to make space for it all. Life can be challenging.
There's really nothing we can do about that, but we
do have the power to change our perspective. So when
your buckets leaking, look for the flowers. Thank you for
trying something new with me. I'm grateful for you, and
(37:44):
I can't wait to connect once again tomorrow.
Host
Jay Shetty
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