March 22, 2024 • 27 mins
Do you feel tired of small talk and no real connection?
Do you want to start building genuine friendships?
Today, Jay talks about the eight simple tips to help you decide which friends to keep close and which ones you might need to step back from. You'll learn how to spot friends who make you happy and help you grow, and notice the ones who might be bringing you down.
Let's understand the impact of the company you keep, the power of focusing on yourself, and the wisdom in discerning relationships meant for a season, reason, or lifetime. Jay unpacks the value of tough conversations and learns to distinguish between fleeting friendships and those destined for depth. There is strength in setting boundaries and the transformative experience of shared challenges.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
How to choose your long-term friends
How to deepen new friendships
How to be the right friends to others
This episode is your guide to nurturing genuine connections and fostering personal growth in a world craving authenticity.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:00 Who Do You Spend Time With?
04:05 Focus on Yourself
05:06 Season, Reason, or a Lifetime
10:29 Is Repairing a Broken Relationship Worth It?
13:24 Why Do We Need These Hard Conversations?
15:58 Not Every Friendship Has a Future
18:32 Shallow Conversations Don’t Lead to Genuine Connection
21:26 Barriers Keep Others Out, Boundaries Keep Us Safe
23:08 If You Don’t Fit In, That’s Okay
25:04 Doing Difficult Things Together
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Sometimes the reason we've disconnected from people, or we've distanced
ourselves from people, is that we're protecting ourselves from unwanted drama.
Maybe we haven't had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion, and
we realize, if I just stay far away from this,
I never have to have it. Now, the challenge here
is you're missing out on a potentially amazing relationship. But
(00:21):
what we've done is, instead of setting a boundary, we've
set a barrier. The Number one Health and Wellness Podcast,
Jay Setty Jay Shetty set Hey, everyone, welcome back to
On Purpose. I am so grateful that you are back
with me here right now, whether you're walking your dog,
(00:43):
whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether you're just hanging out,
or whether you're at work. Thank you so much for
lending me your time, investing your energy and your presence
and your focus here on Purpose Now. Something I've been
thinking about a lot late, Lee, is just as we
grow older, as another year goes by, we start to
(01:06):
reflect more deeply about the friendships that matter, the people
around us, the people at work, the people we spend
the most time with. How many of you have found
yourself in that situation where you're starting to be much
more observant about who you give your energy to, who
you spend time with, how you connect with people, and
(01:31):
to what level. And how many of you are at
this point where you're just tired of small talk. You're
tired of all the quick chats, the superficial, surface level conversation,
and you're craving a much deeper, a much more meaningful interaction. Now,
that doesn't mean that you don't want to have fun.
It doesn't mean that you don't want to laugh, It
doesn't mean that you don't just want to have a
(01:52):
great time. Of course you want all of that, but
you want it to mean more. You want it to
matter more, You want it to to lead to more
in that relationship rather than less. And I think a
lot of us are feeling distant, feeling further away, feeling
disconnected from people that we were once close with. How
(02:16):
many of you have a friend in your life that
you know used to talk to every day but now
you rarely talk. How many of you have someone in
your life that used to feel it was so easy
to connect with, but recently you've just started to find
it more and more difficult to open up and how
(02:37):
many of you are struggling to find someone to be
vulnerable with. I think we're hearing a lot about the
loneliness epidemic. We're hearing a lot about the disconnectedness of humanity,
especially since the pandemic. I think we've all found it
harder and harder to kind of go back to what
we had before, and we haven't really found where we're
(02:59):
heading now. And I think a lot of people are
feeling this where you're in a different emotional maturity and
state than the people in your life, right, how many
of you have felt that where you're like, well, I'm
on this emotional track and I thought this person was
with me, but actually they're on a completely different track.
(03:21):
And it may have even taken you a while to
even let that settle and to understand it. At the
core of it, what a lot of us feel is
that we don't have people around us who really understand us,
who really see us, and who really hear us. Right,
(03:42):
have you felt that recently where you're like, I think
I'm talking to a wall, I think I'm talking right
through people. Or maybe you're feeling, oh, I don't want
to trouble someone with this I know that they've got
enough on, but we all have that feeling, that need
of yearning for connection, of yearning for understanding. The first
(04:05):
thing I'm going to ask you to focus on, as
I always do, is yourself. Do you understand where you're
at and can you articulate it effectively? I think for
so many of us, we're wanting other people to understand us,
other people to read our minds. We assume that they
(04:25):
should know, We assume that they should be able to adapt,
that they should recognize, that acknowledge, value, whatever it is
that we need. But I really want you to sit
with this. Do you understand where you're at and can
you articulate it? I think this is such an important
point in order for you to consider, because the better
(04:49):
you are at communicating, sharing how you feel, why you
feel that way, what you're going through, you're actually increasing
the list ability to also comprehend your thoughts. Now, the
second point I wanted to make today is from a
writer named Brian A. Chalker, and this writer wrote this
(05:14):
beautiful poem called Season Reason or a Lifetime. This has
been such a big reflection point in my life, and
as the author says, everyone comes into our life for
a season, a reason, or a lifetime. And I want
to ask you to think about a list of people
(05:36):
that came to your mind when I started this episode,
and ask yourself, is that a seasonal person? Is that
someone who came in for one season and that was it?
Or are they someone who shows up seasonally but then
they aren't as relevant, important, consistent at other times? You
think about certain things, Right, you don't need ice cream
all ly around, But it's really fun when you can
(05:57):
eat ice cream when it's hot outside and it's warm
and you're feeling like it, but you don't have to
eat it every day to appreciate it. I think we
often feel like, oh, if someone's seasonal, they're not good.
If someone's seasonal or just for a season, then they're
not a great person. The truth is they can play
their role. They can play their part, and you play
your part and your role in their life and things
(06:19):
go on. It's when we expect to be able to
eat ice cream all ly around that we have the issue. Right,
we don't have an issue with the fact that we
like enjoying ice cream at a certain time of year,
but to think I need it all lyae around that's
where the challenge arises. So who in your life is
like that. Maybe they're back every summer, Maybe they turn
(06:42):
up at the beginning of the year or the end
of the year, or they're amazing during the holidays. Maybe
they're a family member, but they're not someone that you
can hang out with all the time. They're not someone
who resonates all the time. It's okay, And what we're
doing is we're almost compartmentalizing for ourselves that that is
a season or a seasonal person, and that's their role.
(07:04):
We're not expecting more of them, and we're not expecting
less of them. We recognize what they want to do
in our life. And what I've realized is when you
can accept what someone shows you is who they want
to be and how they show up for you, you
can now share moments and memories with them without what
(07:26):
they should have been, what they could have been, what
they should have been for you by now, right, So
wee need to recognize that. Chalker also talks about people
who come into your life for a reason. These are
often the most difficult people that we meet. Right. This
could be someone who actually caused a challenge or an
issue they came in our life to teach us something
(07:49):
that was painful. And if you went through this a
while ago, you can now see the reason. But if
you went through it recently, the reason is the last
thing you want. So if you're going through pain right
now now, if you're going through stress right now, if
you're going through pressure right now because someone just came in,
created a whirlwind and then left and you can't see
(08:09):
the reason right now because you're just dealing with the
debris that's cascaded all over your life, then that's okay.
But at one point, with some distance, you'll be able
to recognize the reason. And when we recognize the reason,
it changes us. When we recognize the reason that someone
(08:31):
came into our life with, we now protect ourself from
that experience in the future, and we prepare ourself to
know these two points are really important. We prepare ourself
for future relationships, and we protect ourself for future relationships.
(08:52):
And this is something that I really want you to
hone in on and value and deeply deeply recognize of
where in your life have you not understood the reason
someone came in with. Maybe there was someone long long
ago that you've even hidden a way that you feel
triggered by an uncomfortable bringing up in a safe space,
(09:13):
maybe with a therapist, with a friend, maybe when you've
created some distance, reflect on it and ask yourself, when
they did that, what did I learn from it? What
was the reason? And the third part that your talks
about is people who are there for a lifetime. There
are some people who may not have the biggest impact
on you, they may not do the most for you,
(09:35):
but they're always around, They're always there, They're loyalty even
when it's tested, proves to be true, it proves to
be real, it proves to be powerful. And that person
you realize who's with you for a lifetime is someone
that you continue to invest in. So I want you
to think about who in your life is a season,
who in your life is a reason, and who in
(09:55):
your life came in and has stayed for a lifetime,
and start understanding that it's okay that people play different
roles in your life and you play different roles in
their life. And I think when we expect everyone to
play the same role, or we expect everyone to behave
the same or we expect everyone to respect us the
(10:18):
same or respond with us the same or connect with
us the same. That's when our challenges occur. That's when
our issues occur. Now, maybe you're thinking that there are
certain friends you want to rebuild with, and I want
to do a reflection exercise with you. You can even
journal about this. I want to ask you what has broken?
(10:41):
So when I asked you earlier like, oh, maybe there's
someone in your life that you used to talk to
you don't talk with anymore, or someone you used to
be open with, but now you can't imagine anything but
being closed with. If you want to fix it, if
you want to repair it, the first question is why,
Why is it worth repairing? Do we really believe that
that person has something to offer us? Do we really
(11:03):
believe that we need some closure? We have to get
really intentional and clear about why we would revisit an
old relationship, And then we have to ask ourselves what broke?
Was it trust? Was it connection? And on a scale
of one to ten, how bad was it? How truly
(11:24):
bad was that disconnect? And ask yourself what in your
current state of that relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or
devalued that you've let it go. Is it too big?
Is it too much? To bear, to have to reconnect,
putting aside how devalued you feel, or is the relationship
(11:46):
worth more to you? And I think that's the question
we have to ask ourselves if we're trying to repair
a relationship. Is repairing this relationship worth more to me
than the pain caused when trying to repair it. Repairing
anything will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, it will
be challenging, but sometimes the belief that I want to
(12:09):
do the right thing, I want to have this conversation.
And this applies to current relationships. I know that there's
someone I'm building a friendship with right now, and we're
growing in our trust, we're growing in our loyalty. And
I had to call them last week and have a
really uncomfortable conversation with them about something that I thought
could negatively affect our relationship, and actually it positively improved it.
(12:35):
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visits sprouts dot com to find the closest location near you. Now,
I didn't call with the expectation that me being honest
and vulnerable and transparent would improve the relationship. I didn't
call with the intention or the belief that they would
turn around and say, Jay, I really respect you. Because
(13:39):
when we act in a way in order to gain
a certain reaction, we often leave feeling quite reduced and disappointed.
What I mean by that is, if we behave in
a certain way or act in a certain way because
we are predicting, expecting, or wanting a particular type of response,
(14:03):
we're setting ourselves up for failure. We've got to have
the conversation because we believe it's the right thing to do.
We have to have the conversation because we believe that
it's the honest thing to do. We have to be
the one to have a conversation because we think to ourselves,
this is how I'd like people to treat me, this
is how i'd like to be led, this is how
(14:24):
I'd like to connect. And when we do it with
that reason, whatever the response is, whether it's positive or
whether it's not what we were looking for, we can
hold our head high and still move forward. If you're
trying to reconnect with someone too, I would ask yourself
when was the last time you deeply checked in with them?
I find that our society has become a lot more
(14:46):
self centered. We're always like, why is not one checking
in with me? Why do people treat me like that?
Why did they say that to me? And sometimes I
find and by the way, I'm prone to this as well,
where I don't have the self awareness, like I don't
see myself behaving in the same way as I don't
like someone else behaving. Right, Does that make sense? Does
(15:06):
that resonate? Like I remember someone I knew was telling
someone else that, Like I can't believe you go to
your boring job every day, And in mind, I'm thinking, wow, Like,
if you're making a person feel boring and that's the
job they have to go to every day, imagine how
bad they're gonna feel. But the same person was saying
they can't believe people say to them, Oh, I can't
believe you're deciding to do that. That sounds scary, that
(15:29):
sounds like the wrong thing. So often we don't even
have the self awareness to deduce that what we're saying
to others is what we don't like people saying to us.
The way we behave with others is a behavior that
we don't appreciate in the way people behave with us.
That to me is a really subtle and nuanced point,
(15:53):
but it can truly save or break relationships. Now I
have to acknowledge that not every friendship has to have
a future. Just because you had a past, just because
you have memories, just because you have nostalgia, doesn't mean
you have to force a future with a friend. It
(16:18):
is okay to let it go. It's okay to let
them go or let them let you go. It's okay.
Trying to force a friendship into the future will actually
cost you more than you realize, because if someone doesn't
(16:39):
want to be in your life, or if you've realized
that you no longer want to be in theirs, you're
simply wasting time and energy. Let's celebrate something for what
it was. Let's revel in what it was at the
time when it served us, it nourished us, and it's okay,
(17:00):
hey if it doesn't anymore. You had a lunch box
that you took to school every day. You don't use
the same lunch box anymore. You wore clothes that you
loved and felt really cool in. You don't wear the
same clothes anymore. You lived in an apartment that you've outgrown.
It's okay, And we don't have to do it with bitterness.
We don't have to do it pain. We can do
(17:22):
it with love, celebration, and a positive outlook. One of
the reasons why we feel distant from our friends is
because our best memory with them is an old one.
The last time our relationship achieved something or we did
something was an old one. And one of the biggest
(17:42):
things I found with friendships and why they felt shallow
and not deep, was I found myself, Especially because I've
left London now, I found myself. Whenever I went back home,
I would often spend time with big groups of people,
and I found a lot of my friends do that too. Right,
we run out of time, we have less and less time.
We can't see everyone, couples, friends individually, and so we go, Okay,
(18:05):
let's just invite everyone over once a month and we'll
see everyone. And what ends up happening is you have
this really small, short, short conversation, this small talk exchange
with each and every person. Right, you know what it
feels like, you've hosted before. You just about get to Oh,
how was your last week? How's the weekend? Oh yeah,
you went to that place? Oh great, Okay, let me
(18:25):
move on. Oh yeah, how's your week been? Oh yeah,
your new job? Congrats? Okay, let's move on. When we're
connecting with lots of people in a fast, shallow and
simple way, when naturally making our relationship less and less
deep and less and less meaningful. If we're always spending
(18:47):
time with people in large groups, well we have to
move on from conversations quickly. We have to figure out
if you're hosting, obviously you've got to do all the
hosting stuff, and you're not getting that time and space.
Your relationship will always depend on how you close you
were back in the day. I have a friend that
(19:07):
we invested in deeply with probably over ten years ago,
and now if I see him, it's easy for me
to reconnect with him and kick it off from where
we left off. But that's what we're doing. We're kicking
off from over ten years ago because we don't have
a dynamic, live relationship right now, and so I have
(19:29):
to ask myself, is this a relationship I want? Is
this a relationship I care about? Is this a relationship
that I value? Then let me make sure I'm having
these one to one conversations with I've noticed this because
I've got friends back in London that I do talk
to on the phone one on one. I've noticed that
those are the relationships that satisfy me the most. Those
are the relationships that mean the most to me. And
(19:51):
so really figure out how much of your time are
you spending in groups and how much are your time
are you spending one to one? And I would argue,
to really make sense of it, I would say seventy
five percent of our time should be spent one on
one with the people we care about and twenty five
percent should be spending groups. Group time is amazing, it's exciting,
it's fun, it's it's helpful in different ways, it's healing
(20:14):
in different ways. But it's so important to have that
one to one time. Sometimes the reason we've disconnected from
people or we've distanced ourselves from people is that we're
protecting ourselves from unwanted drama or unwanted anxiety. So we
stay distanced, right like, maybe we didn't have a closer conversation,
(20:36):
maybe we didn't figure out a relationship conversation, maybe we
haven't had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion, and we realize,
if I just stay far away from this and never
have to have it. How many of you have felt
that way? Well, you actually want to be close to someone,
but you stay away from them because you know it
requires a really painful conversation. Now, the challenge here is
(20:57):
you're missing out on a potentially a amazing relationship. That
person might be sitting there wondering what's going wrong as well,
and what's happened to that relationship as well, And we
almost miss out on the depth of connection. But I
understand it. I understand it. But what we've done is
instead of setting a boundary, we've set a barrier. This
(21:21):
is a really important point I want you to listen to.
So often when we're trying to set boundaries, we end
up setting barriers. Barriers keep others out, Boundaries keep us
safe from ourselves. Barriers make us believe the problem is
(21:41):
the way someone treats us. Boundaries are us understanding and
accepting that we need to treat ourselves better. Don't get
so busy building a barrier that you lose out on
a relationship or a friendship because you were actually meant
to set a boundary. What I mean by this is
(22:03):
if I reached out to someone and said, hey, you
know what, I know, we haven't talked in a while,
and I always felt and by the way I did
this last year, I remember talking to a friend and
just saying, hey, man, like I think we got distant
a while ago, and this was the reason I got distant,
and this is why I felt we got distant. And
I'd love to hear your thoughts now. I've lifted the
barrier that I've placed, and I'm allowing to hear this now.
(22:28):
Once that person has shared how they feel with me,
which they did we can now set a healthier boundary
of how we'd like to deal with that moving forward together.
And so a boundary is often something you can both build.
And maybe it's not even a boundary. Maybe it's a bridge.
Maybe it's a bridge you're building and say this is
when we cross it, and this is when we don't.
(22:50):
And I think that building a bridge back to someone
with a conversation is a really healthy way to restart, rekindle,
or re spark something that was meaningful to us before. Now,
the biggest point I want to make today is this
one a sign that you feel like you don't fit in.
(23:11):
The sign that you don't feel disconnected is also a
sign that you're growing. It's a sign that you're evolving.
It's a sign that you're moving forward and you're finding
your way. The difference to know this, to know whether
you're growing up or whether you're growing apart, is whether
you're bitter or not. If you're growing up, you won't
(23:32):
be bitter. You'll realize that person was a season, that
person was a reason, right, and then you'll grow up.
But if you're growing apart or growing bitter, that's when
you're thinking, oh yeah, gosh, they're not the same. You're complaining,
you're finding faults. You're like, oh, yeah, like they did
this to me, they did that to me, They should
have done this to me, they should have done that
(23:53):
to me. And now we're not growing, we're is growing
apart from them. So it'd ask you and encourage you
to think about the fact that if you don't fit
in anymore, that's okay. We all go through growth spurts,
we go through growth phrases. I know the plants in
my house are out growing their pots all the time,
right They've got to say bye bye to that soil.
I know nothing about plants, but I know that much
(24:15):
that they definitely outgrow some of the pots that they
were planted in. And that's okay, and you might be
going through that right now. But what we've got to
be careful of is don't let growing up become growing bitter,
because growing bitter creates an environment of gossip, of fault finding,
of complaining, and when we start complaining and fault finding,
(24:40):
we find ourselves stuck in that space for much longer
than we ever ever imagined. I hope that these themes
help you today to repair friendships that are important to you.
I hope they help you deepen your relationships with the
people around you, and I often find that our best
(25:03):
relationships with people are when we do difficult things together.
What I mean by that is the reason why some
of our older relationships are our strongest ones, is because
those people stuck with us through our greatest growth periods,
our first breakup, our first job, our first redundancy, our
first child, our first divorce. Those relationships because they helped
(25:28):
you survive a pain point for you, or you help
them survive a pain point for them, is the reason
why they're so strong. Strong relationships are not built because
you went to the movies together. Strong relationships are not
built because you message each other on social media. Strong
relationships are not built because you went to a concert together.
(25:49):
They're built because you helped each other do hard things.
So don't shy away when your friends need help. Don't
shy away when you need help to ask for help,
because that's when our best bonds are created. And stop
looking at what people can do for you, and start
focusing on how much you do for them when they
need it, and how available you are to others as well.
(26:13):
Thank you so much for listening. To On Purpose. I
hope you're listening every day. I hope you're listening multiple
times a day. Remember, we have over five hundred episodes
of interviews and solos for you to go back to.
This was on Purpose. Thank you for choosing us to listen,
learn and grow, and I'll see you soon. If you
love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor
(26:35):
Matte on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional
wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in
nature goes only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't
grow o where it's hard and thick, does it. It
goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable. Mental health
has now talked about more than ever, which is awesome.
I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's
(26:57):
a primary focus of on Purpose, but on a day
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(27:19):
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Sometimes the reason we've disconnected from people, or we've distanced
ourselves from people, is that we're protecting ourselves from unwanted drama.
Maybe we haven't had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion, and
we realize, if I just stay far away from this,
I never have to have it. Now, the challenge here
is you're missing out on a potentially amazing relationship. But
(00:21):
what we've done is, instead of setting a boundary, we've
set a barrier. The Number one Health and Wellness Podcast,
Jay Setty Jay Shetty set Hey, everyone, welcome back to
On Purpose. I am so grateful that you are back
with me here right now, whether you're walking your dog,
(00:43):
whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether you're just hanging out,
or whether you're at work. Thank you so much for
lending me your time, investing your energy and your presence
and your focus here on Purpose Now. Something I've been
thinking about a lot late, Lee, is just as we
grow older, as another year goes by, we start to
(01:06):
reflect more deeply about the friendships that matter, the people
around us, the people at work, the people we spend
the most time with. How many of you have found
yourself in that situation where you're starting to be much
more observant about who you give your energy to, who
you spend time with, how you connect with people, and
(01:31):
to what level. And how many of you are at
this point where you're just tired of small talk. You're
tired of all the quick chats, the superficial, surface level conversation,
and you're craving a much deeper, a much more meaningful interaction. Now,
that doesn't mean that you don't want to have fun.
It doesn't mean that you don't want to laugh, It
doesn't mean that you don't just want to have a
(01:52):
great time. Of course you want all of that, but
you want it to mean more. You want it to
matter more, You want it to to lead to more
in that relationship rather than less. And I think a
lot of us are feeling distant, feeling further away, feeling
disconnected from people that we were once close with. How
(02:16):
many of you have a friend in your life that
you know used to talk to every day but now
you rarely talk. How many of you have someone in
your life that used to feel it was so easy
to connect with, but recently you've just started to find
it more and more difficult to open up and how
(02:37):
many of you are struggling to find someone to be
vulnerable with. I think we're hearing a lot about the
loneliness epidemic. We're hearing a lot about the disconnectedness of humanity,
especially since the pandemic. I think we've all found it
harder and harder to kind of go back to what
we had before, and we haven't really found where we're
(02:59):
heading now. And I think a lot of people are
feeling this where you're in a different emotional maturity and
state than the people in your life, right, how many
of you have felt that where you're like, well, I'm
on this emotional track and I thought this person was
with me, but actually they're on a completely different track.
(03:21):
And it may have even taken you a while to
even let that settle and to understand it. At the
core of it, what a lot of us feel is
that we don't have people around us who really understand us,
who really see us, and who really hear us. Right,
(03:42):
have you felt that recently where you're like, I think
I'm talking to a wall, I think I'm talking right
through people. Or maybe you're feeling, oh, I don't want
to trouble someone with this I know that they've got
enough on, but we all have that feeling, that need
of yearning for connection, of yearning for understanding. The first
(04:05):
thing I'm going to ask you to focus on, as
I always do, is yourself. Do you understand where you're
at and can you articulate it effectively? I think for
so many of us, we're wanting other people to understand us,
other people to read our minds. We assume that they
(04:25):
should know, We assume that they should be able to adapt,
that they should recognize, that acknowledge, value, whatever it is
that we need. But I really want you to sit
with this. Do you understand where you're at and can
you articulate it? I think this is such an important
point in order for you to consider, because the better
(04:49):
you are at communicating, sharing how you feel, why you
feel that way, what you're going through, you're actually increasing
the list ability to also comprehend your thoughts. Now, the
second point I wanted to make today is from a
writer named Brian A. Chalker, and this writer wrote this
(05:14):
beautiful poem called Season Reason or a Lifetime. This has
been such a big reflection point in my life, and
as the author says, everyone comes into our life for
a season, a reason, or a lifetime. And I want
to ask you to think about a list of people
(05:36):
that came to your mind when I started this episode,
and ask yourself, is that a seasonal person? Is that
someone who came in for one season and that was it?
Or are they someone who shows up seasonally but then
they aren't as relevant, important, consistent at other times? You
think about certain things, Right, you don't need ice cream
all ly around, But it's really fun when you can
(05:57):
eat ice cream when it's hot outside and it's warm
and you're feeling like it, but you don't have to
eat it every day to appreciate it. I think we
often feel like, oh, if someone's seasonal, they're not good.
If someone's seasonal or just for a season, then they're
not a great person. The truth is they can play
their role. They can play their part, and you play
your part and your role in their life and things
(06:19):
go on. It's when we expect to be able to
eat ice cream all ly around that we have the issue. Right,
we don't have an issue with the fact that we
like enjoying ice cream at a certain time of year,
but to think I need it all lyae around that's
where the challenge arises. So who in your life is
like that. Maybe they're back every summer, Maybe they turn
(06:42):
up at the beginning of the year or the end
of the year, or they're amazing during the holidays. Maybe
they're a family member, but they're not someone that you
can hang out with all the time. They're not someone
who resonates all the time. It's okay, And what we're
doing is we're almost compartmentalizing for ourselves that that is
a season or a seasonal person, and that's their role.
(07:04):
We're not expecting more of them, and we're not expecting
less of them. We recognize what they want to do
in our life. And what I've realized is when you
can accept what someone shows you is who they want
to be and how they show up for you, you
can now share moments and memories with them without what
(07:26):
they should have been, what they could have been, what
they should have been for you by now, right, So
wee need to recognize that. Chalker also talks about people
who come into your life for a reason. These are
often the most difficult people that we meet. Right. This
could be someone who actually caused a challenge or an
issue they came in our life to teach us something
(07:49):
that was painful. And if you went through this a
while ago, you can now see the reason. But if
you went through it recently, the reason is the last
thing you want. So if you're going through pain right
now now, if you're going through stress right now, if
you're going through pressure right now because someone just came in,
created a whirlwind and then left and you can't see
(08:09):
the reason right now because you're just dealing with the
debris that's cascaded all over your life, then that's okay.
But at one point, with some distance, you'll be able
to recognize the reason. And when we recognize the reason,
it changes us. When we recognize the reason that someone
(08:31):
came into our life with, we now protect ourself from
that experience in the future, and we prepare ourself to
know these two points are really important. We prepare ourself
for future relationships, and we protect ourself for future relationships.
(08:52):
And this is something that I really want you to
hone in on and value and deeply deeply recognize of
where in your life have you not understood the reason
someone came in with. Maybe there was someone long long
ago that you've even hidden a way that you feel
triggered by an uncomfortable bringing up in a safe space,
(09:13):
maybe with a therapist, with a friend, maybe when you've
created some distance, reflect on it and ask yourself, when
they did that, what did I learn from it? What
was the reason? And the third part that your talks
about is people who are there for a lifetime. There
are some people who may not have the biggest impact
on you, they may not do the most for you,
(09:35):
but they're always around, They're always there, They're loyalty even
when it's tested, proves to be true, it proves to
be real, it proves to be powerful. And that person
you realize who's with you for a lifetime is someone
that you continue to invest in. So I want you
to think about who in your life is a season,
who in your life is a reason, and who in
(09:55):
your life came in and has stayed for a lifetime,
and start understanding that it's okay that people play different
roles in your life and you play different roles in
their life. And I think when we expect everyone to
play the same role, or we expect everyone to behave
the same or we expect everyone to respect us the
(10:18):
same or respond with us the same or connect with
us the same. That's when our challenges occur. That's when
our issues occur. Now, maybe you're thinking that there are
certain friends you want to rebuild with, and I want
to do a reflection exercise with you. You can even
journal about this. I want to ask you what has broken?
(10:41):
So when I asked you earlier like, oh, maybe there's
someone in your life that you used to talk to
you don't talk with anymore, or someone you used to
be open with, but now you can't imagine anything but
being closed with. If you want to fix it, if
you want to repair it, the first question is why,
Why is it worth repairing? Do we really believe that
that person has something to offer us? Do we really
(11:03):
believe that we need some closure? We have to get
really intentional and clear about why we would revisit an
old relationship, And then we have to ask ourselves what broke?
Was it trust? Was it connection? And on a scale
of one to ten, how bad was it? How truly
(11:24):
bad was that disconnect? And ask yourself what in your
current state of that relationship makes you feel uncomfortable or
devalued that you've let it go. Is it too big?
Is it too much? To bear, to have to reconnect,
putting aside how devalued you feel, or is the relationship
(11:46):
worth more to you? And I think that's the question
we have to ask ourselves if we're trying to repair
a relationship. Is repairing this relationship worth more to me
than the pain caused when trying to repair it. Repairing
anything will be uncomfortable, it will be hard, it will
be challenging, but sometimes the belief that I want to
(12:09):
do the right thing, I want to have this conversation.
And this applies to current relationships. I know that there's
someone I'm building a friendship with right now, and we're
growing in our trust, we're growing in our loyalty. And
I had to call them last week and have a
really uncomfortable conversation with them about something that I thought
could negatively affect our relationship, and actually it positively improved it.
(12:35):
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visits sprouts dot com to find the closest location near you. Now,
I didn't call with the expectation that me being honest
and vulnerable and transparent would improve the relationship. I didn't
call with the intention or the belief that they would
turn around and say, Jay, I really respect you. Because
(13:39):
when we act in a way in order to gain
a certain reaction, we often leave feeling quite reduced and disappointed.
What I mean by that is, if we behave in
a certain way or act in a certain way because
we are predicting, expecting, or wanting a particular type of response,
(14:03):
we're setting ourselves up for failure. We've got to have
the conversation because we believe it's the right thing to do.
We have to have the conversation because we believe that
it's the honest thing to do. We have to be
the one to have a conversation because we think to ourselves,
this is how I'd like people to treat me, this
is how i'd like to be led, this is how
(14:24):
I'd like to connect. And when we do it with
that reason, whatever the response is, whether it's positive or
whether it's not what we were looking for, we can
hold our head high and still move forward. If you're
trying to reconnect with someone too, I would ask yourself
when was the last time you deeply checked in with them?
I find that our society has become a lot more
(14:46):
self centered. We're always like, why is not one checking
in with me? Why do people treat me like that?
Why did they say that to me? And sometimes I
find and by the way, I'm prone to this as well,
where I don't have the self awareness, like I don't
see myself behaving in the same way as I don't
like someone else behaving. Right, Does that make sense? Does
(15:06):
that resonate? Like I remember someone I knew was telling
someone else that, Like I can't believe you go to
your boring job every day, And in mind, I'm thinking, wow, Like,
if you're making a person feel boring and that's the
job they have to go to every day, imagine how
bad they're gonna feel. But the same person was saying
they can't believe people say to them, Oh, I can't
believe you're deciding to do that. That sounds scary, that
(15:29):
sounds like the wrong thing. So often we don't even
have the self awareness to deduce that what we're saying
to others is what we don't like people saying to us.
The way we behave with others is a behavior that
we don't appreciate in the way people behave with us.
That to me is a really subtle and nuanced point,
(15:53):
but it can truly save or break relationships. Now I
have to acknowledge that not every friendship has to have
a future. Just because you had a past, just because
you have memories, just because you have nostalgia, doesn't mean
you have to force a future with a friend. It
(16:18):
is okay to let it go. It's okay to let
them go or let them let you go. It's okay.
Trying to force a friendship into the future will actually
cost you more than you realize, because if someone doesn't
(16:39):
want to be in your life, or if you've realized
that you no longer want to be in theirs, you're
simply wasting time and energy. Let's celebrate something for what
it was. Let's revel in what it was at the
time when it served us, it nourished us, and it's okay,
(17:00):
hey if it doesn't anymore. You had a lunch box
that you took to school every day. You don't use
the same lunch box anymore. You wore clothes that you
loved and felt really cool in. You don't wear the
same clothes anymore. You lived in an apartment that you've outgrown.
It's okay, And we don't have to do it with bitterness.
We don't have to do it pain. We can do
(17:22):
it with love, celebration, and a positive outlook. One of
the reasons why we feel distant from our friends is
because our best memory with them is an old one.
The last time our relationship achieved something or we did
something was an old one. And one of the biggest
(17:42):
things I found with friendships and why they felt shallow
and not deep, was I found myself, Especially because I've
left London now, I found myself. Whenever I went back home,
I would often spend time with big groups of people,
and I found a lot of my friends do that too. Right,
we run out of time, we have less and less time.
We can't see everyone, couples, friends individually, and so we go, Okay,
(18:05):
let's just invite everyone over once a month and we'll
see everyone. And what ends up happening is you have
this really small, short, short conversation, this small talk exchange
with each and every person. Right, you know what it
feels like, you've hosted before. You just about get to Oh,
how was your last week? How's the weekend? Oh yeah,
you went to that place? Oh great, Okay, let me
(18:25):
move on. Oh yeah, how's your week been? Oh yeah,
your new job? Congrats? Okay, let's move on. When we're
connecting with lots of people in a fast, shallow and
simple way, when naturally making our relationship less and less
deep and less and less meaningful. If we're always spending
(18:47):
time with people in large groups, well we have to
move on from conversations quickly. We have to figure out
if you're hosting, obviously you've got to do all the
hosting stuff, and you're not getting that time and space.
Your relationship will always depend on how you close you
were back in the day. I have a friend that
(19:07):
we invested in deeply with probably over ten years ago,
and now if I see him, it's easy for me
to reconnect with him and kick it off from where
we left off. But that's what we're doing. We're kicking
off from over ten years ago because we don't have
a dynamic, live relationship right now, and so I have
(19:29):
to ask myself, is this a relationship I want? Is
this a relationship I care about? Is this a relationship
that I value? Then let me make sure I'm having
these one to one conversations with I've noticed this because
I've got friends back in London that I do talk
to on the phone one on one. I've noticed that
those are the relationships that satisfy me the most. Those
are the relationships that mean the most to me. And
(19:51):
so really figure out how much of your time are
you spending in groups and how much are your time
are you spending one to one? And I would argue,
to really make sense of it, I would say seventy
five percent of our time should be spent one on
one with the people we care about and twenty five
percent should be spending groups. Group time is amazing, it's exciting,
it's fun, it's it's helpful in different ways, it's healing
(20:14):
in different ways. But it's so important to have that
one to one time. Sometimes the reason we've disconnected from
people or we've distanced ourselves from people is that we're
protecting ourselves from unwanted drama or unwanted anxiety. So we
stay distanced, right like, maybe we didn't have a closer conversation,
(20:36):
maybe we didn't figure out a relationship conversation, maybe we
haven't had the uncomfortable or awkward discussion, and we realize,
if I just stay far away from this and never
have to have it. How many of you have felt
that way? Well, you actually want to be close to someone,
but you stay away from them because you know it
requires a really painful conversation. Now, the challenge here is
(20:57):
you're missing out on a potentially a amazing relationship. That
person might be sitting there wondering what's going wrong as well,
and what's happened to that relationship as well, And we
almost miss out on the depth of connection. But I
understand it. I understand it. But what we've done is
instead of setting a boundary, we've set a barrier. This
(21:21):
is a really important point I want you to listen to.
So often when we're trying to set boundaries, we end
up setting barriers. Barriers keep others out, Boundaries keep us
safe from ourselves. Barriers make us believe the problem is
(21:41):
the way someone treats us. Boundaries are us understanding and
accepting that we need to treat ourselves better. Don't get
so busy building a barrier that you lose out on
a relationship or a friendship because you were actually meant
to set a boundary. What I mean by this is
(22:03):
if I reached out to someone and said, hey, you
know what, I know, we haven't talked in a while,
and I always felt and by the way I did
this last year, I remember talking to a friend and
just saying, hey, man, like I think we got distant
a while ago, and this was the reason I got distant,
and this is why I felt we got distant. And
I'd love to hear your thoughts now. I've lifted the
barrier that I've placed, and I'm allowing to hear this now.
(22:28):
Once that person has shared how they feel with me,
which they did we can now set a healthier boundary
of how we'd like to deal with that moving forward together.
And so a boundary is often something you can both build.
And maybe it's not even a boundary. Maybe it's a bridge.
Maybe it's a bridge you're building and say this is
when we cross it, and this is when we don't.
(22:50):
And I think that building a bridge back to someone
with a conversation is a really healthy way to restart, rekindle,
or re spark something that was meaningful to us before. Now,
the biggest point I want to make today is this
one a sign that you feel like you don't fit in.
(23:11):
The sign that you don't feel disconnected is also a
sign that you're growing. It's a sign that you're evolving.
It's a sign that you're moving forward and you're finding
your way. The difference to know this, to know whether
you're growing up or whether you're growing apart, is whether
you're bitter or not. If you're growing up, you won't
(23:32):
be bitter. You'll realize that person was a season, that
person was a reason, right, and then you'll grow up.
But if you're growing apart or growing bitter, that's when
you're thinking, oh yeah, gosh, they're not the same. You're complaining,
you're finding faults. You're like, oh, yeah, like they did
this to me, they did that to me, They should
have done this to me, they should have done that
(23:53):
to me. And now we're not growing, we're is growing
apart from them. So it'd ask you and encourage you
to think about the fact that if you don't fit
in anymore, that's okay. We all go through growth spurts,
we go through growth phrases. I know the plants in
my house are out growing their pots all the time,
right They've got to say bye bye to that soil.
I know nothing about plants, but I know that much
(24:15):
that they definitely outgrow some of the pots that they
were planted in. And that's okay, and you might be
going through that right now. But what we've got to
be careful of is don't let growing up become growing bitter,
because growing bitter creates an environment of gossip, of fault finding,
of complaining, and when we start complaining and fault finding,
(24:40):
we find ourselves stuck in that space for much longer
than we ever ever imagined. I hope that these themes
help you today to repair friendships that are important to you.
I hope they help you deepen your relationships with the
people around you, and I often find that our best
(25:03):
relationships with people are when we do difficult things together.
What I mean by that is the reason why some
of our older relationships are our strongest ones, is because
those people stuck with us through our greatest growth periods,
our first breakup, our first job, our first redundancy, our
first child, our first divorce. Those relationships because they helped
(25:28):
you survive a pain point for you, or you help
them survive a pain point for them, is the reason
why they're so strong. Strong relationships are not built because
you went to the movies together. Strong relationships are not
built because you message each other on social media. Strong
relationships are not built because you went to a concert together.
(25:49):
They're built because you helped each other do hard things.
So don't shy away when your friends need help. Don't
shy away when you need help to ask for help,
because that's when our best bonds are created. And stop
looking at what people can do for you, and start
focusing on how much you do for them when they
need it, and how available you are to others as well.
(26:13):
Thank you so much for listening. To On Purpose. I
hope you're listening every day. I hope you're listening multiple
times a day. Remember, we have over five hundred episodes
of interviews and solos for you to go back to.
This was on Purpose. Thank you for choosing us to listen,
learn and grow, and I'll see you soon. If you
love this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor
(26:35):
Matte on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional
wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in
nature goes only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't
grow o where it's hard and thick, does it. It
goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable. Mental health
has now talked about more than ever, which is awesome.
I mean, I don't have to tell you that it's
(26:57):
a primary focus of on Purpose, but on a day
to day baby, many people don't know where to turn
or which tools can help. Over the past couple of years,
I've been working with Calm to make mental wellness accessible
and enjoyable, or as I like to say, fun and easy.
Calm has all sorts of content to help you reduce
anxiety and stress, build mindful habits, improve sleep, and generally
(27:19):
feel better in your daily life. So many bite size
options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world, along
with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out my
seven minute daily series to help you live more mindfully
each and every day. Right now, listeners of On Purpose
get forty percent off a subscription to Calmpremium at calm
(27:39):
dot com. Forward slash j that's calm dot com. Forward
slash jay for forty percent off. Calm your Mind, Change
your Life,
Host
Jay Shetty
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