March 21, 2025 • 26 mins
Do you ever feel "behind" in dating?
Do you value compatibility over chemistry?
Dating in your 30s is a completely new experience—one that comes with unique challenges, fresh perspectives, and a deeper sense of self-awareness. Today, Jay unpacks the most common misconceptions about dating at this stage in life and shares empowering insights on how to navigate relationships with confidence and clarity. He begins by tackling the biggest myth that holds so many people back—the belief that they’re “too late” or “falling behind” in their search for love.
Jay also explores the key differences between dating in your 20s versus your 30s. While your 20s are a period of self-discovery—figuring out deal-breakers, learning from mistakes, and often getting caught up in dating games—your 30s bring a new level of clarity and intention. No more ignoring red flags, no more prioritizing chemistry over compatibility, and no more settling for less than you deserve. Emotional maturity becomes the foundation of lasting relationships, and by your 30s, you’ve developed the wisdom and confidence to approach love in a way that truly aligns with your values.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Overcome the Fear of Being "Too Late" in Dating
How to Stop Settling and Start Prioritizing What You Deserve
How to Stop Playing Dating Games and Be Direct About What You Want
How to Choose Peace Over Drama in Relationships
How to Approach Dating in Your 30s with Confidence and Clarity
No matter where you are on your dating journey, remember that you are not behind—you are exactly where you need to be. Your 30s are not a deadline; they are an opportunity to date with clarity, confidence, and purpose.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:00 The Biggest Dating Myth
02:55 Why Your 30s Are Powerful
03:27 Society’s False Timelines
05:00 Emotional Maturity in Relationships
06:11 Lessons from Dating in Your 20s
08:41 No More Dating Games
10:27 Trusting Your Gut & Red Flags
14:47 Compatibility vs. Chemistry
15:20 Choosing Peace Over Drama
16:58 The Pain of Settling vs. Being Single
19:38 Healing After Breakups
22:22 Dating with Confidence in Your 30s
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, It's Jay Shaddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jaysheddy, dop Me Forward Slash Tour and get
yours today. Dating is hard, Divorce is harder. Being with
(00:51):
someone is hard, breaking up is harder. Being single is
better than being with the wrong person. Being single is
better than settling for the wrong person, and being single
is better than settling for less than you deserve. The
number one health and wellness podcast set Jay Chatty. Hey everyone,
(01:19):
welcome back to you On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty,
and I am so grateful that you're back here for
another episode. Thank you so much for tuning in, and
this is going to be an episode that you send
to all your friends, because I know so many people
right now who are dating in their thirties who are
(01:41):
struggling because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late,
that it should have happened earlier, is the biggest block
for them. The biggest thing blocking you back from dating
and finding love in your thirties is that you think
think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier.
(02:04):
You think it should have happened in your twenties. You
believe that for some reason, you're the last one, you're
late to the party, that somehow you miss something special
that was meant to happen in your twenties. And I
know a lot of people feel this way. That's why
if you've ever felt this way, or your friends have,
(02:24):
this episode is for you. If you've got a friend
out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send
this episode to them. If you've got a friend out
there who's tired of online dating, send this episode to them.
If you've got a friend out there, or if it's
even you who's saying to themselves, or even if they're
not saying it. That's the interesting thing, right, It's not
(02:44):
that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old,
I miss something, it should have happened earlier. This episode
is for you. The truth is you're not behind. The
truth is it's not too late. In fact, your thirties
can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in
(03:08):
your life when it comes to relationships. And today I'm
going to walk you through some of the mistakes we
made in our twenties that we don't do anymore, so
that we recognize why our thirties can be powerful, and
by the way, some of the mistakes that we may
be carrying through into our thirties that we can avoid.
Before we begin, let's acknowledge something society feeds us, this narrative,
(03:32):
this timeline that you should be dating by a certain age,
you should be married by a certain age, you should
have had kids by a certain age. But we all
know that that timeline isn't even necessary. We all work
at different paces, we all find what's meaningful to us
(03:53):
at different times, and the research actually backs it up.
According to a twenty twenty two study by the Pew
Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been
steadily increasing. For men, it's now thirty years old, and
for women it's around twenty eight. The study also found
that nearly half of adults aged eighteen to forty four
(04:15):
in the US are single, and the number of people
getting married in their thirties and even forties has risen
significantly in the last few decades. So if you're in
your thirties and still not married, it's not a red flag.
It's actually becoming more and more common. And research published
by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in twenty
(04:37):
twenty one also highlights that people in their thirties are
better equipped for successful long term relationships. This is because
by the time we reach this age, we're more self aware,
have a better understanding of what we want, and have
more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships.
(04:59):
And that's really point there. There is no substitute for
emotional maturity. Long term relationships require one thing, and one
thing only maturity, and you can't substitute that. You can't
manufacture that in your twenties. There was also something else
that I read that was fascinating. A study published by
(05:21):
the National Bureau of economic research found that people who
marry later in life are happier in their marriages. Specifically,
couples who marry in their thirties report higher levels of satisfaction,
less stress, and a stronger emotional connection. What's the reason
They've had more time to figure out their needs and
(05:44):
find a partner who's truly compatible. I'm sharing that with
you because I think we underestimate. We truly underestimate the
power of what our thirties has. And another study by
the University of caliph On your Berkeley revealed that people
who marry later tend to be healthier. They report lower
(06:06):
levels of depression and anxiety, and have better overall well being.
So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind. Let's
really reframe that thing that's stopping us from actually finding
love at this moment in our life. In our twenties,
we're figuring out who we are. In our thirties, we're
(06:28):
being clear about who we want. You're still trying to
figure out who you are in your twenties, your deal breakers,
your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long
term or casual relationships. In your thirties, you know what
you want whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just
being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in.
(06:50):
You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've
been through plenty of bad experiences. I think it's really
interesting how if you remember one of the first people
you are long term relationship with, they just felt like
the right person, not because you actually knew, but because
you've just been with them for a long amount of time.
And it's really interesting to me how the time bias
(07:13):
creeps in. If you've been with someone for a year
and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must
be the one. Whereas in your thirties, when you've been
with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive,
there's a part of you that wants to build on that.
There's a part of you that wants to be clear
about what you want. In your twenties, even if you're not,
(07:34):
you're going to find people who are playing games. The
difference is in your thirties you're playing it straight right.
In your twenties, if someone was playing games with you, you
had to kind of figure out how to play games
with them. Maybe you stayed up all night trying to
decode every text, or maybe you wanted to make sure
you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant.
(07:56):
If someone played games with you, you had to find a
way to play games better. Maybe you were even the
one who started the games. But in your thirties, you're
slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean. You're
getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest
with them. You also get the confidence to say this
(08:17):
isn't for me. It's simpler. Right in your twenties, you
either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time,
it's game over, And I think that's a superpower. You've
outgrown the dating games. You don't have time to waste
on mixed signals or mind games, and that's a really
(08:37):
thing to be really important to take into consideration. In
your twenties, people played games with you, so you had
to learn to play the game. In your thirties, you
play it straight, so it's game over. There's no more
room for games. Now in your thirties, you're still figuring
out who you are. But I promise you you're more clearer
(09:00):
on who you want. You're clearer because you know the
mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to
shift from self discovery to self assurance, but I encourage
you to do it. Reflect on the mistakes you make,
Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties.
Take a moment to make a list of all the
(09:23):
men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you.
Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated
that weren't the one for you. Why did you make
that mistake? What did you get misled by? Was it
their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent?
What was it about that person that distracted you away
(09:44):
from your values? And that's the other thing. In your thirties,
you have a stronger take on what your values are.
You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your
values are because you know what it feels like when
you trade your value. You compromised your values in your twenties.
You allowed yourself to be controlled. In your twenties, You
(10:08):
allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your twenties.
In your thirties, you're committed to your new set of values.
In your thirties, you're committed to not being controlled, to
not being played with there's a superpower in that, and
I don't want you to lose sight of it. In
your twenties, you ignored red flags. In your thirties, you're
(10:32):
starting to trust your gut. In your twenties, you might
ignore the little red flags, or you tell yourself you
can change them. Later, in your thirties, you realize red
flags are deal breakers, and if something feels off, you
trust your gut and move faster. One of the biggest
realizations in your thirties is you've learned the hard way
(10:55):
that ignoring warning signs only waste time. Trust in your
instincts saves you drama. The big lesson here is in
your thirties you've realized one thing. People don't change for people.
People don't change for you. They change for themselves if
(11:17):
they want to, when they want to. You can't change
anyone else. You can't change someone. You can't change their priorities.
You can't change their likes and dislikes. You can't change
their focus. You can't change their ambition, you can't change
their drive. In your twenties, you convinced yourself that you
(11:42):
could change what that person aspired to be, that you
could edit, you could mold you could in some way
inspire them to become different. In your thirties, you realize
that that's a person. They're not a project. They're a
person and not a project. They're a human, not someone
(12:05):
that has to become a high performer because you want
them to and they're a person, not potential. I couldn't
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the code on purpose. In your thirties, you realize that's
a person, not a project. That's a person, not potential.
(13:51):
That's a person, not someone that I have to make
perform in the way I want them to. In your twenties,
you convince to yourself that you might be able to
shift mold inspire, and it might even have been well intentioned,
but you now recognize that it isn't going to work
(14:12):
that way. It doesn't work that way, So you learn
the hard way. You're not going to ignore those little
red flags anymore. You're going to raise them early. It's
not that you run away or distance yourself. You're conscious
enough to make them a part of the conversation, to
make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking
(14:35):
about difficult things. You value raising something, not worrying about
whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that
you have in your thirties. In your twenties, you are
chasing sparks. In your thirties, you're seeking stability. In your twenties.
(14:56):
You were infatuated with chemistry. In your thirties, you inspired
by compatibility. In your twenties, you chase that intense, emotive
firework feeling. In your thirties, you realized that solid, stable
communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a
(15:18):
real connection. It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right.
You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling
of living on the edge. Oh my god, when are
they going to message back? Oh my gosh, when are
they going to reply? Oh my god, what shall I
tell them? Oh my god, when are they going to
turn up? Oh my gosh, what are they going to do? Like?
You lived in that conscious state of anxiety, of drama,
(15:41):
of uncertainty, and where did it get? You left you heartbroken,
left you lonely. In your thirties, you realize someone who
messages on time, that's the kind of person I want
to be with. In your thirties, you realize someone who
turns up on time, who shows up for me. Yeah,
that's the kind of person I want to be with.
(16:01):
In your thirties, you recognize, oh, yeah, that person who
checks in with me. Oh, I really like that. I
don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want
someone who doesn't call it to check in. I don't
want someone who makes up excuses every time we were
meant to do something. Sure, it felt exciting to pursue
(16:22):
someone to have the chase, to feel like they may
or may not want you and figure that out. But
in your thirties you recognize, I want clarity. I want
clarity over fake chemistry. I want spontaneity over a false spark.
It's not that it has to get boring, but you
realize the value in peace over drama. In your twenties,
(16:45):
you might even have pursued drama. In your thirties, you
pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like.
You don't want to invite that back into your life.
In your twenties, you might have settled for comfort. Maybe
you even stayed in a relationship for too long. In
(17:07):
your thirties, you're consciously holding out for the right fit.
In your twenties, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for
longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve,
because you were worried about being lonely. In your thirties,
you recognize that being alone is a part of life,
(17:27):
and actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort,
that's when you can truly find and attract someone into
your life. In your twenties, you might settle with someone
because they're good enough or because you don't want to
be alone. In your thirties, you don't settle. You're clear
that you'd rather be single than be in a relationship
(17:48):
that doesn't feel right. You've figured out that being alone
is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet
your need right. For people who feel pain of being single,
it's important to remember this. There's the pain of being
single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship,
and every time the pain of being in the wrong
(18:10):
relationship is worse than the pain of being single. I
know so many people who are married but want to
be divorced. I know so many people that are engaged
but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so
many people that have been married for years and don't
know a way out. That is so much harder than
(18:34):
trying to find the right person. It's so much harder
than trying to ask the right questions. It's so much
harder than being curious. Dating is hard, but divorce is harder. Right,
Think about that for a second. It's a lot harder.
It's how the mind is always the grass is greener
(18:56):
on the other side. And there's the famous quote that
says the grosses and't greener on the other side. The
grass is greener where you water it. And that's the
shift I want you to take into your thirties. The
grass is greener where you water it. Water it here,
water it in your thirties. Stop thinking that your twenties
were the best time to date. Not only are they
(19:17):
not coming back, you don't live there anymore. So we
don't want to keep our minds somewhere that we can't
go back to, in somewhere that we don't live right,
We can't even visit it again. It's not even like
a vacation that you want to go back to because
you had such a good time. Knowing that time is
moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards. Dating is hard,
(19:40):
Divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard, Breaking up
is harder. Being single is better than being with the
wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the
wrong person, And being single is better and settling for
(20:01):
less than you deserve. In your twenties, every breakup feels
like the worst thing ever. In your thirties, you've recognized
that you can bounce back stronger. In your twenties, a
breakup can feel like the end of the world. In
your thirties, you waste less time wallowing. You focus on
(20:23):
healing yourself. You recognize that it's more something you want
to do for yourself than to get over someone else.
In your twenties, you think healing is getting closure. In
your thirties, you realize healing is building confidence. In your twenties,
(20:43):
you feel healing requires an apology from them. In your twenties,
you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself. In your twenties,
healing means trying to get over someone else. In your thirties,
healing means doing it for yourself. It's a really powerful
(21:05):
place to be because now every time you're healing, even
if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated,
even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting
your energy and emphasis into yourself. You're using it as
an investment in your self rather than an investment in
(21:29):
someone else using brain power or brain energy elsewhere. In
your twenties, you overthink every detail. In your thirties, you
experience and enjoy the moment. In your twenties, you might
overanalyze every text, every date, every comment, wondering if they're
(21:51):
the one, And in your thirties you slow down a little.
I want you to slow down a little. Even if
you are feeling pressure, I want you to take that
pressure off. I want you to experience it for what
it is. And maybe, as you've been listening to me,
you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my thirties,
I'm still feeling the pressure. Well. I want you to
rise to this. In your thirties, you understand that relationships
(22:14):
take time to unfold. You're cool with letting things develop
naturally instead of rushing the process. This is how I
want you to approach your thirties. Anything I might say,
you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that.
I'm probably making the same mistakes. Well, this is what
I want you to aspire for. This is what I
want you to rise to, because that's how you do
the work. That's how you make a shift in your life.
(22:37):
In your twenties, you are riding the highs. In your thirties,
you keep things grounded. In your twenties, you might get
swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and
let the little things slide. In your thirties, you know,
the honeymoon phase fades, so you look for someone who
can handle the lows as much as the highs. The
(23:00):
best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst
times in the best ways. Let me say that again,
the best relationships are the ones that deal with the
worst times in the best ways. The best relationships are
not the ones with always having the best times, having
(23:21):
the best moments, having the best experiences. And in your thirties,
you prepare for that. You prepare for that with your partner,
You anticipate your first fight. You recognize how you handle disagreements,
you think about it with that person, and if they
don't want to think about that, then they're not your person.
In your thirties, if someone doesn't treat you well, you
(23:44):
don't work harder. You move on. In your twenties, you
would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked,
to be treated better. You would have worked harder to
be treated better in your thirties. If you're not treated better,
you don't work harder. You move on in your thirties.
(24:08):
If people take advantage of you, you realize it's their loss.
In your twenties, if people took advantage of you, you
let them continue to do it because you believed it
was your loss. If they left. In your thirties, if
they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself
(24:28):
in your twenties, you would have shape shifted in order
to make things work. The three things you need to
be really attentive about in your thirties is be better
at noticing love bombing if someone comes on fast, slow
it down if someone comes on too strong. Focus on
building real strength. Don't let yourself be gas lip more
(24:53):
than once. We all make mistakes, we all get fulled once,
don't get fulled twice, and rems. You are going to
be a part of someone's healing and they're going to
be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage
in that thirties, and so are you. You just want
someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you
(25:14):
unpack theirs. That's what you need. I really hope that
this has reinspired you for dating in your thirties, made
you recognize that all the experiences you've had, all the
challenges you've had, all the pains you've had, have actually
given you the insight the lessons to not make the
same mistakes. But it's your job to slow down and
really reflect and take it in. Remember I'm always in
(25:38):
your corner and forever rooting for you. Thanks for listening
to on Purpose. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going
to love my conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens
up on how to stay with your partner when they're
changing and the four check ins you should be doing
in your relationship. We also talk about how to deal
(25:59):
with the relationships when they're undistressed. If you're going through
something right now with your partner, or someone you're seeing,
This is the episode for you.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new
technology and we've just taken it in hookline and sinker,
and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll
just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's
never sleeping.
Hey everyone, It's Jay Shaddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jaysheddy, dop Me Forward Slash Tour and get
yours today. Dating is hard, Divorce is harder. Being with
(00:51):
someone is hard, breaking up is harder. Being single is
better than being with the wrong person. Being single is
better than settling for the wrong person, and being single
is better than settling for less than you deserve. The
number one health and wellness podcast set Jay Chatty. Hey everyone,
(01:19):
welcome back to you On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty,
and I am so grateful that you're back here for
another episode. Thank you so much for tuning in, and
this is going to be an episode that you send
to all your friends, because I know so many people
right now who are dating in their thirties who are
(01:41):
struggling because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late,
that it should have happened earlier, is the biggest block
for them. The biggest thing blocking you back from dating
and finding love in your thirties is that you think
think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier.
(02:04):
You think it should have happened in your twenties. You
believe that for some reason, you're the last one, you're
late to the party, that somehow you miss something special
that was meant to happen in your twenties. And I
know a lot of people feel this way. That's why
if you've ever felt this way, or your friends have,
(02:24):
this episode is for you. If you've got a friend
out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send
this episode to them. If you've got a friend out
there who's tired of online dating, send this episode to them.
If you've got a friend out there, or if it's
even you who's saying to themselves, or even if they're
not saying it. That's the interesting thing, right, It's not
(02:44):
that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old,
I miss something, it should have happened earlier. This episode
is for you. The truth is you're not behind. The
truth is it's not too late. In fact, your thirties
can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in
(03:08):
your life when it comes to relationships. And today I'm
going to walk you through some of the mistakes we
made in our twenties that we don't do anymore, so
that we recognize why our thirties can be powerful, and
by the way, some of the mistakes that we may
be carrying through into our thirties that we can avoid.
Before we begin, let's acknowledge something society feeds us, this narrative,
(03:32):
this timeline that you should be dating by a certain age,
you should be married by a certain age, you should
have had kids by a certain age. But we all
know that that timeline isn't even necessary. We all work
at different paces, we all find what's meaningful to us
(03:53):
at different times, and the research actually backs it up.
According to a twenty twenty two study by the Pew
Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been
steadily increasing. For men, it's now thirty years old, and
for women it's around twenty eight. The study also found
that nearly half of adults aged eighteen to forty four
(04:15):
in the US are single, and the number of people
getting married in their thirties and even forties has risen
significantly in the last few decades. So if you're in
your thirties and still not married, it's not a red flag.
It's actually becoming more and more common. And research published
by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in twenty
(04:37):
twenty one also highlights that people in their thirties are
better equipped for successful long term relationships. This is because
by the time we reach this age, we're more self aware,
have a better understanding of what we want, and have
more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships.
(04:59):
And that's really point there. There is no substitute for
emotional maturity. Long term relationships require one thing, and one
thing only maturity, and you can't substitute that. You can't
manufacture that in your twenties. There was also something else
that I read that was fascinating. A study published by
(05:21):
the National Bureau of economic research found that people who
marry later in life are happier in their marriages. Specifically,
couples who marry in their thirties report higher levels of satisfaction,
less stress, and a stronger emotional connection. What's the reason
They've had more time to figure out their needs and
(05:44):
find a partner who's truly compatible. I'm sharing that with
you because I think we underestimate. We truly underestimate the
power of what our thirties has. And another study by
the University of caliph On your Berkeley revealed that people
who marry later tend to be healthier. They report lower
(06:06):
levels of depression and anxiety, and have better overall well being.
So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind. Let's
really reframe that thing that's stopping us from actually finding
love at this moment in our life. In our twenties,
we're figuring out who we are. In our thirties, we're
(06:28):
being clear about who we want. You're still trying to
figure out who you are in your twenties, your deal breakers,
your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long
term or casual relationships. In your thirties, you know what
you want whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just
being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in.
(06:50):
You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've
been through plenty of bad experiences. I think it's really
interesting how if you remember one of the first people
you are long term relationship with, they just felt like
the right person, not because you actually knew, but because
you've just been with them for a long amount of time.
And it's really interesting to me how the time bias
(07:13):
creeps in. If you've been with someone for a year
and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must
be the one. Whereas in your thirties, when you've been
with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive,
there's a part of you that wants to build on that.
There's a part of you that wants to be clear
about what you want. In your twenties, even if you're not,
(07:34):
you're going to find people who are playing games. The
difference is in your thirties you're playing it straight right.
In your twenties, if someone was playing games with you, you
had to kind of figure out how to play games
with them. Maybe you stayed up all night trying to
decode every text, or maybe you wanted to make sure
you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant.
(07:56):
If someone played games with you, you had to find a
way to play games better. Maybe you were even the
one who started the games. But in your thirties, you're
slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean. You're
getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest
with them. You also get the confidence to say this
(08:17):
isn't for me. It's simpler. Right in your twenties, you
either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time,
it's game over, And I think that's a superpower. You've
outgrown the dating games. You don't have time to waste
on mixed signals or mind games, and that's a really
(08:37):
thing to be really important to take into consideration. In
your twenties, people played games with you, so you had
to learn to play the game. In your thirties, you
play it straight, so it's game over. There's no more
room for games. Now in your thirties, you're still figuring
out who you are. But I promise you you're more clearer
(09:00):
on who you want. You're clearer because you know the
mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to
shift from self discovery to self assurance, but I encourage
you to do it. Reflect on the mistakes you make,
Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties.
Take a moment to make a list of all the
(09:23):
men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you.
Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated
that weren't the one for you. Why did you make
that mistake? What did you get misled by? Was it
their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent?
What was it about that person that distracted you away
(09:44):
from your values? And that's the other thing. In your thirties,
you have a stronger take on what your values are.
You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your
values are because you know what it feels like when
you trade your value. You compromised your values in your twenties.
You allowed yourself to be controlled. In your twenties, You
(10:08):
allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your twenties.
In your thirties, you're committed to your new set of values.
In your thirties, you're committed to not being controlled, to
not being played with there's a superpower in that, and
I don't want you to lose sight of it. In
your twenties, you ignored red flags. In your thirties, you're
(10:32):
starting to trust your gut. In your twenties, you might
ignore the little red flags, or you tell yourself you
can change them. Later, in your thirties, you realize red
flags are deal breakers, and if something feels off, you
trust your gut and move faster. One of the biggest
realizations in your thirties is you've learned the hard way
(10:55):
that ignoring warning signs only waste time. Trust in your
instincts saves you drama. The big lesson here is in
your thirties you've realized one thing. People don't change for people.
People don't change for you. They change for themselves if
(11:17):
they want to, when they want to. You can't change
anyone else. You can't change someone. You can't change their priorities.
You can't change their likes and dislikes. You can't change
their focus. You can't change their ambition, you can't change
their drive. In your twenties, you convinced yourself that you
(11:42):
could change what that person aspired to be, that you
could edit, you could mold you could in some way
inspire them to become different. In your thirties, you realize
that that's a person. They're not a project. They're a
person and not a project. They're a human, not someone
(12:05):
that has to become a high performer because you want
them to and they're a person, not potential. I couldn't
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the code on purpose. In your thirties, you realize that's
a person, not a project. That's a person, not potential.
(13:51):
That's a person, not someone that I have to make
perform in the way I want them to. In your twenties,
you convince to yourself that you might be able to
shift mold inspire, and it might even have been well intentioned,
but you now recognize that it isn't going to work
(14:12):
that way. It doesn't work that way, So you learn
the hard way. You're not going to ignore those little
red flags anymore. You're going to raise them early. It's
not that you run away or distance yourself. You're conscious
enough to make them a part of the conversation, to
make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking
(14:35):
about difficult things. You value raising something, not worrying about
whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that
you have in your thirties. In your twenties, you are
chasing sparks. In your thirties, you're seeking stability. In your twenties.
(14:56):
You were infatuated with chemistry. In your thirties, you inspired
by compatibility. In your twenties, you chase that intense, emotive
firework feeling. In your thirties, you realized that solid, stable
communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a
(15:18):
real connection. It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right.
You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling
of living on the edge. Oh my god, when are
they going to message back? Oh my gosh, when are
they going to reply? Oh my god, what shall I
tell them? Oh my god, when are they going to
turn up? Oh my gosh, what are they going to do? Like?
You lived in that conscious state of anxiety, of drama,
(15:41):
of uncertainty, and where did it get? You left you heartbroken,
left you lonely. In your thirties, you realize someone who
messages on time, that's the kind of person I want
to be with. In your thirties, you realize someone who
turns up on time, who shows up for me. Yeah,
that's the kind of person I want to be with.
(16:01):
In your thirties, you recognize, oh, yeah, that person who
checks in with me. Oh, I really like that. I
don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want
someone who doesn't call it to check in. I don't
want someone who makes up excuses every time we were
meant to do something. Sure, it felt exciting to pursue
(16:22):
someone to have the chase, to feel like they may
or may not want you and figure that out. But
in your thirties you recognize, I want clarity. I want
clarity over fake chemistry. I want spontaneity over a false spark.
It's not that it has to get boring, but you
realize the value in peace over drama. In your twenties,
(16:45):
you might even have pursued drama. In your thirties, you
pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like.
You don't want to invite that back into your life.
In your twenties, you might have settled for comfort. Maybe
you even stayed in a relationship for too long. In
(17:07):
your thirties, you're consciously holding out for the right fit.
In your twenties, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for
longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve,
because you were worried about being lonely. In your thirties,
you recognize that being alone is a part of life,
(17:27):
and actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort,
that's when you can truly find and attract someone into
your life. In your twenties, you might settle with someone
because they're good enough or because you don't want to
be alone. In your thirties, you don't settle. You're clear
that you'd rather be single than be in a relationship
(17:48):
that doesn't feel right. You've figured out that being alone
is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet
your need right. For people who feel pain of being single,
it's important to remember this. There's the pain of being
single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship,
and every time the pain of being in the wrong
(18:10):
relationship is worse than the pain of being single. I
know so many people who are married but want to
be divorced. I know so many people that are engaged
but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so
many people that have been married for years and don't
know a way out. That is so much harder than
(18:34):
trying to find the right person. It's so much harder
than trying to ask the right questions. It's so much
harder than being curious. Dating is hard, but divorce is harder. Right,
Think about that for a second. It's a lot harder.
It's how the mind is always the grass is greener
(18:56):
on the other side. And there's the famous quote that
says the grosses and't greener on the other side. The
grass is greener where you water it. And that's the
shift I want you to take into your thirties. The
grass is greener where you water it. Water it here,
water it in your thirties. Stop thinking that your twenties
were the best time to date. Not only are they
(19:17):
not coming back, you don't live there anymore. So we
don't want to keep our minds somewhere that we can't
go back to, in somewhere that we don't live right,
We can't even visit it again. It's not even like
a vacation that you want to go back to because
you had such a good time. Knowing that time is
moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards. Dating is hard,
(19:40):
Divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard, Breaking up
is harder. Being single is better than being with the
wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the
wrong person, And being single is better and settling for
(20:01):
less than you deserve. In your twenties, every breakup feels
like the worst thing ever. In your thirties, you've recognized
that you can bounce back stronger. In your twenties, a
breakup can feel like the end of the world. In
your thirties, you waste less time wallowing. You focus on
(20:23):
healing yourself. You recognize that it's more something you want
to do for yourself than to get over someone else.
In your twenties, you think healing is getting closure. In
your thirties, you realize healing is building confidence. In your twenties,
(20:43):
you feel healing requires an apology from them. In your twenties,
you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself. In your twenties,
healing means trying to get over someone else. In your thirties,
healing means doing it for yourself. It's a really powerful
(21:05):
place to be because now every time you're healing, even
if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated,
even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting
your energy and emphasis into yourself. You're using it as
an investment in your self rather than an investment in
(21:29):
someone else using brain power or brain energy elsewhere. In
your twenties, you overthink every detail. In your thirties, you
experience and enjoy the moment. In your twenties, you might
overanalyze every text, every date, every comment, wondering if they're
(21:51):
the one, And in your thirties you slow down a little.
I want you to slow down a little. Even if
you are feeling pressure, I want you to take that
pressure off. I want you to experience it for what
it is. And maybe, as you've been listening to me,
you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my thirties,
I'm still feeling the pressure. Well. I want you to
rise to this. In your thirties, you understand that relationships
(22:14):
take time to unfold. You're cool with letting things develop
naturally instead of rushing the process. This is how I
want you to approach your thirties. Anything I might say,
you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that.
I'm probably making the same mistakes. Well, this is what
I want you to aspire for. This is what I
want you to rise to, because that's how you do
the work. That's how you make a shift in your life.
(22:37):
In your twenties, you are riding the highs. In your thirties,
you keep things grounded. In your twenties, you might get
swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and
let the little things slide. In your thirties, you know,
the honeymoon phase fades, so you look for someone who
can handle the lows as much as the highs. The
(23:00):
best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst
times in the best ways. Let me say that again,
the best relationships are the ones that deal with the
worst times in the best ways. The best relationships are
not the ones with always having the best times, having
(23:21):
the best moments, having the best experiences. And in your thirties,
you prepare for that. You prepare for that with your partner,
You anticipate your first fight. You recognize how you handle disagreements,
you think about it with that person, and if they
don't want to think about that, then they're not your person.
In your thirties, if someone doesn't treat you well, you
(23:44):
don't work harder. You move on. In your twenties, you
would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked,
to be treated better. You would have worked harder to
be treated better in your thirties. If you're not treated better,
you don't work harder. You move on in your thirties.
(24:08):
If people take advantage of you, you realize it's their loss.
In your twenties, if people took advantage of you, you
let them continue to do it because you believed it
was your loss. If they left. In your thirties, if
they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself
(24:28):
in your twenties, you would have shape shifted in order
to make things work. The three things you need to
be really attentive about in your thirties is be better
at noticing love bombing if someone comes on fast, slow
it down if someone comes on too strong. Focus on
building real strength. Don't let yourself be gas lip more
(24:53):
than once. We all make mistakes, we all get fulled once,
don't get fulled twice, and rems. You are going to
be a part of someone's healing and they're going to
be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage
in that thirties, and so are you. You just want
someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you
(25:14):
unpack theirs. That's what you need. I really hope that
this has reinspired you for dating in your thirties, made
you recognize that all the experiences you've had, all the
challenges you've had, all the pains you've had, have actually
given you the insight the lessons to not make the
same mistakes. But it's your job to slow down and
really reflect and take it in. Remember I'm always in
(25:38):
your corner and forever rooting for you. Thanks for listening
to on Purpose. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going
to love my conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens
up on how to stay with your partner when they're
changing and the four check ins you should be doing
in your relationship. We also talk about how to deal
(25:59):
with the relationships when they're undistressed. If you're going through
something right now with your partner, or someone you're seeing,
This is the episode for you.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new
technology and we've just taken it in hookline and sinker,
and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll
just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's
never sleeping.
Host
Jay Shetty
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