February 14, 2025 • 29 mins
What qualities do you truly want in a partner?
Do you believe in manifestation when it comes to love?
Today, Jay explores how you can break free from insecurity and build lasting confidence using science-backed techniques and practical mindset shifts. Jay opens the episode by addressing the invisible forces that keep us stuck in self-doubt, such as fear of failure, scarcity mindset, and negative self-talk. He explains that our brains are wired for survival, not confidence, which means that many of our insecurities stem from a natural instinct to protect ourselves from perceived threats.
Jay introduces seven powerful strategies for retraining the brain for confidence. First, he explains the importance of stopping the brain’s “threat detection system”, which makes us perceive challenges as dangers rather than opportunities. He then highlights unconscious competence, where we often fail to recognize the skills we’ve already mastered. By tapping into this, we can use our existing strengths as a foundation for greater self-assurance.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Overcome the Fear of Being Judged
How to Let Go of What No Longer Serves You
How to Take Control of Your Confidence
How to Shift from Self-Doubt to Self-Belief
How to Train Your Brain to Build Lasting Confidence
Confidence is not about being perfect; it’s about showing up, learning, and giving yourself the grace to evolve. You have everything within you to shift from doubt to self-trust.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:48 How to Manifest Love this Year
05:35 The State of Desperation and Detachment
07:18 Desperation Leads to a Lot of Challenges
09:45 Desperation Leads to Overthinking
13:06 Desperation Leads to Toxic Situations
15:18 Things You Do When You Detach Yourself from Others
21:22 #1: Take Small Steps Toward Love
23:48 #2: Be Patient for Love
24:55 #3: Align What You Think, Say and Do
26:26 #4: Live as if You Already Have Love
28:09 #5: Find Healing Before Your Next Relationship
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, it's Jayshetty and I'm thrilled to announce my
podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can see
my On Purpose podcast live and in person. Join me
in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with
surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert,
or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences
(00:23):
designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections.
I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on
cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today.
Every text, every moment of silence, every look feels like
a test of your worth and their love your messaging. Hey, wait, wait, wait,
(00:44):
what did you mean by that? Hey? Are we on
the same page? Do you really want to see me?
I'm not sure If you don't want to see me,
it's okay, right that desperation is not a state through
which we manifest and attract love. The number one health
and wellness five Jay Setty, Jay Chetty Jetty, Hey everyone,
(01:07):
welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jayschetty, and
I am so grateful that you're here. I have to
start with I am so excited that I'm taking on
Purpose on tour this year, and I want you to
come and see me. Head over to Jayshetty dot Me
Forward Slash Tour. That's Jayshetty dot Me Forward Slash Tour
(01:31):
so that you can come and see me live. I
can't wait for you to see our special guests. We're
going to have experts, celebrities, thought leaders. It's going to
be really deep, profound work, and it's going to be
a lot of fun. Bring your friends, bring your family.
I can't wait to see you now. Today's episode is
all about how twenty twenty five becomes the year we
(01:55):
manifest love. Whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single,
whether you're dating, this episode is for you. If you're
someone who for so long feels like they've tried everything
and anything to find love, This episode is for you.
(02:15):
If you're someone who's in a long term relationship but
you want to infuse it with more love, this episode
is for you. And if you're someone who's dating right now,
exhausted with the apps, got so much going on, this
episode is for you. The first question I want to
(02:37):
share with you is who would you be today if
you knew you were going to meet the person you
will love for the rest of your life. Who would
you be if you knew you were going to meet
the person you would love for the rest of your
life today. Let's say you were going to meet them
(02:59):
in three hours, in five hours, in six hours. What
would you do differently? What would be the focus of
your life? How would it change the way you feel?
Not just what you would do. How would it change
the way you feel, the way you feel about love,
(03:20):
the way you feel about happiness, the way you feel
about life? Would you have an extra skip in your step?
Would you be that much more alert? Would you be
that much more positive? Would you be that much more kind?
What would it feel like if you knew the person
of your dreams, the person you would spend the rest
(03:40):
of your life with, was three hours away from you.
How would you feel and how would that change the
way you Behave just feel that in your body for
a moment. Maybe it makes you smile, Maybe it makes
you slightly nervous, Maybe you can feel the butterflies. Maybe
(04:02):
you shed a tear because it's been such a painful journey.
Think about that for a second. How would it feel
embody that how would it feel. I want you to
remember this feeling because I want you to bring yourself
back to this whenever you feel you're drifting away. It's
(04:26):
this energy that attracts and manifests the partner that you want,
because it's this excitement, this enthusiasm that is the magnet
to attract that. Right when we talk about manifesting, what
we're trying to do is become a magnet so we
can attract things in our direction. The energy, the vibrancy,
(04:49):
the frequency of attraction. Is this the genuine belief, the
natural feeling, the organic manifestation that it's just around the corner.
And guess what, whether you do meet the love of
your life in three hours or not, it's just a
(05:10):
beautiful place to live. It's a happier mind, it's a
healthier body, it's a more healed heart. Isn't that where
we all want to live? Isn't that what would truly
be a magnet for the right person. This is the
year you manifest love. If you follow the simple guidelines
(05:31):
that I'm about to share today, it will change your life. Now.
I want to start off with what we usually do.
We don't live in the state that I just talked about.
We live in one of two states as humans because
we love extremes. We either live in a state of
(05:51):
desperation on one end, or we live in a state
of detachment. So desperation is, oh my gosh, I need
to find love. I need to go on a date.
Oh my god, I'm never going to find someone. Oh
my gosh, everyone's getting married. Oh my god, I'm so behind.
Oh my gosh, am I ever going to find someone?
That's desperation? And you don't have to tell me. We've
(06:13):
all experienced that. We've all been there, we know what
it feels like. But then sometimes we do the opposite,
the detachment. I'm too busy, I'm focused on my career.
I don't need love. It's not that important. It will
work itself out. I'm not paying it any attention. And
whether we mean that, whether we truly believe that, we've
(06:33):
all been on that side too, And guess what, here
we still are, whether you're in a relationship or not,
here we still are without love. If you're in a relationship,
desperation looks like I wish my partner would give me
more attention. Why don't they care about my birthday. Oh
my god, we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, We
didn't do anything for Christmas. You know, they just don't
care about me, right, we know what that feels like.
(06:56):
And then if you're in a relationship, detachment feels like,
oh no, we're independent. Now. You know he's got his
thing going on, I've got my thing going on. We
do not really need each other. Those are both not
states of love. They're both not peak human states. But
you can live in peak human state, and I want
you to. So let's talk about that. Desperation doesn't work
(07:20):
because it leads to a lot of challenges. The first
is desperation can make you ignore red flags. Right when
you're desperate, you convince yourself that bad behavior is just
a phase, or that they can fix it. Sometimes you
don't even notice the bad behavior. You just go, oh, no,
(07:42):
but they're so wonderful, oh wow, Like, no, but they
did this thing. You find all the excuses that justify
how you feel, also known as confirmation bias. You notice
the things that confirm the feeling you want to have.
How many times have you done that with someone? You
confirm the feelings, and you notice the things that confirm
(08:05):
the feelings that you want to have. It's amazing how
that works, isn't it. And then when that relationship breaks down,
all of a sudden, you notice all these other things
and you go, I knew that was there. I don't
know how I missed it. I saw it, I don't
know how I missed it. It almost seems like it's
hiding in plain sight. So desperation means sometimes we ignore
(08:26):
red flags. Desperation sometimes means we overgive. We pour all
our energy into someone, hoping our efforts will be enough
to make them stay. We overgive, and then when they undergive,
we make them feel bad that we overgave, when actually
it was our choice. It was our desperation, it was
(08:48):
our insecure attachment that was doing it, And that way
it doesn't work out. Sometimes when we're desperate, I'm sure
you have friends who've done this. We settle for less,
We lower our standards to avoid being alone. How many
(09:09):
friends or family members do you have right now who
you know have not manifested love because they were desperate,
because they really believe that being alone was so terrible
that they ended up settling for less. And I've seen
people really settle for less, sadly, so much less than
(09:31):
they deserve because they're desperate. Desperation is not a state
through which you can attract and manifest the love of
your life. It isn't a state for that. Another thing
desperation leads to is overthinking everything. Every text, every moment
(09:53):
of silence, every look feels like a test of your
worth and their love. Your messaging go hey, wait, wait, wait,
what did you mean by that? Hey? Are we on
the same page? Do you really want to see me?
I'm not sure If you don't want to see me,
it's okay, right That desperation means we're overthinking everything. That
(10:13):
overthinking energy is not a state through which we manifest
and attract love. We manifest and attract more overthinking, more anxiety,
more stress, more drama. And we've all been there as well.
When we're desperate, we often lose ourselves. We change our hobbies,
change our opinions, We change our personality to match whatever
(10:38):
that person wants. And we've seen where that leads. That
person eventually decides to choose their own way, and we
feel hard done by because we changed who we were
to keep them in our life. Don't change who you
are to keep someone in your life. Don't become who
(11:00):
they are to hope they will stay. Be who you are,
and see who stays to grow with you. It's so
fascinating to me how so many of us trade and
lose our identity in the desperate desire to have love
in our lives, only to realize that that energetic state
(11:23):
doesn't create love. It creates loss, loss of ourselves, and
loss of that person because that person won't stick around
because they'll also get a sense that you're not yourself.
Or when you get a sense that you're not yourself
anymore and you finally share who you are with them,
(11:45):
they'll be hewt broken about that. A lot of us,
when we're desperate, we rush things, We skip steps. We
imagine a future before there's a solid foundation. Think about
that for a second. How many times have you ever
imagined future before there was a solid foundation. A lot
(12:05):
of us, when we're desperate, we seek validation constantly. We
crave assurance. We read too much into small gestures. We're
desperately searching for proof that we're loved right. We want
to see that, We want to feel that at every
moment we need it. That desperate act doesn't create love.
It creates neediness, it creates dependency, it creates stress for
(12:28):
the other person. And if we're desperate, we avoid boundaries.
We're too scared to say no, to stand up for ourselves.
We're scared we're going to push someone away, so we
pull them closer by pushing ourselves away. Right, think about
that for a second. You're so scared you're going to
push someone away that you pull them closer. But the
(12:50):
way you do that is you push yourself away from yourself.
You get so far away from yourself, so you can
be so close to someone else, only to push them
further away because they never really got to know you.
And finally, when we're desperate, we stay in toxic situations. Sadly,
(13:12):
I know too many friends, too many people who will
accept physical, verbal, emotional abuse, staying in a toxic situation
without love because we're too scared of being alone. So
that's what desperation does. And as you can see, what
I'm trying to paint is a picture of the state
that is created as opposed to the state that we
(13:35):
live in when love is just around the corner. Notice
how like light and hopefully happy and filled or fulfilled
you felt when I started talking at the beginning of
the episode, and now I'm kind of feeling a bit
heavy right It's heavy. I couldn't be more excited to
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(13:56):
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(15:02):
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That's drink ja Uni dot com and make sure you
use the code on purpose now. Detachment often looks like
you're too cool for school. Detachment means we push people away,
(15:25):
We act overly independent, We reject genuine connection out of
fear of vulnerability. Maybe you've been hurt before and now
you're acting too cool for school, but you're pushing other
people away. When we're acting detached or we are detached,
we sometimes miss opportunities. We brush off someone who truly cares.
(15:48):
We convince ourselves that it's not a big deal. And
I've seen that happen too often. People just say, oh, yeah,
you know, I'm I'm doing my own thing right now,
and you miss out on a really beautiful possible connection.
The third is you overcompensate. You act like you're too busy,
(16:08):
you're too focused on other things than love. And while
that's not a bad thing, I think it's amazing when
people get focused on their careers, when they go deep,
I think it's beautiful. But if in the back of
your mind, you're like, I just really want to be
in a relationship, I wish I could find that person.
You're kind of detached and desperate at the same time,
(16:29):
which is the worst situation to be in. The reason
I'm painting these states is because I want us to
realize the difference. When we get into the optimal state,
then I'm going to share with you in a moment.
I want to share with you that optimal state of
attraction and manifestation, and I want you to realize that
the states of desperation and detachment don't create that dynamic
(16:54):
energy that we need in order to be a magnet.
The fourth thing we do is we build walls, not boundaries.
Instead of healthy limits, we shut up entirely. We think
it's safer that way. It's almost like, instead of getting
blinds for the sun pouring into your house, which is
a healthy way to manage it, you end up putting
(17:16):
up walls around your house. That's what we all do.
We put up walls, not boundaries, right, and we think
it's safer that way, but it's not safer. We need
that light, We need that connection. We need to expose
ourselves to a tiny bit of pain, a tiny bit
of stress, a tiny bit of discomfort and struggle. Another
(17:37):
thing we do when we're detached is we seek distractions.
We pretend we don't need anyone we party to fill
the void. We take up loads of new hobbies. By
the way, these are all great things, but not if
they're coming from a place of trying to avoid that
which we're looking for. We project this sort of indifference.
(18:00):
We claim we don't care, but our actions often reveal
that we're scared to admit we do. Right, You pretend
you don't care, but really you're scared to admit that
you actually do. And that means we end up sabotaging
potential relationships. Right, We find reasons to end things early.
(18:20):
We convince people that it wasn't meant to be. We
convince ourselves that it wasn't meant to be. So when
you're desperate, you're pulling something close when it doesn't make sense,
and when you're in detachment, you're pushing something away when
it doesn't make sense. Listen to that again. When you're desperate,
you're trying to pull things closer than they're meant to be,
(18:42):
and when you're detached, you're trying to push things further
away than they're meant to be. You're not allowing what
is meant to be to be in your life, and
what does that do? It means we often feel lonely
in private, behind closed doors, behind the bravado. When it fades,
(19:03):
loneliness starts to creep in, and we're there on our
own on a Friday night, saying we're okay, saying we're strong,
saying we're not in need, but we are feeling desperate.
And a lot of us oscillate between this desperation and detachment.
We think, Oh, everyone says you find someone when you're
not looking for them. Right, let me pretend to be detached.
Oh wait, that didn't work. Or I need to be
(19:24):
desperate again, or I really need to tell all my
friends I'm desperate again, I'm really seeking. Oh wait, that
didn't work. All right, let me just be detached again.
Maybe that will work. I am sure you've met people.
I'm sure your friends and family are just constantly oscillating
between these two states, and finally we convince ourselves that
love is a weakness. We're scared of connection, we're scared
(19:47):
of being hurt. And what I find is that as
humans were good at oscillating between light and dark, we're
not good at viewing them at the same time. And
it's rare. If you think about a solar accla, a
solar eclipse is when you see the layer of the
moon and the sun. It's a very rare sight. But
(20:08):
that's what we need to do, right. We know what
to do in the darkness, we know what to do
in the light. We rarely see both together, and so
that's what we need to do. We need to find
out that middle path of detachment and desperation. That's that state,
that dynamic state that we want to be in. There's detachment,
but there's also desperation, but it's not desperation. In the
(20:33):
dynamic state, it's now desire and instead of detachment, it's deserving. Right,
it's desire and deserving instead of desperation and detachment. Desperation
and detachment will push the right people away and pull
(20:54):
the wrong people close. Desire and deserving will push the
wrong people away and pull the right people close. When
we know what we desire and we believe we deserve it,
that is that peak human state, as opposed to oscillating
and operating in the extremes of desperation and detachment. So
(21:20):
how do we do that? The first thing is looking
at these blends, these juxtapositions of seemingly opposite ideas. Love
has to be a big priority, but we have to
take small steps. This is how we learn to manifest
that optimal state. We have to accept love is a
(21:44):
big priority. In twenty twenty five, love is really important
to me. Love is my number one focus in what
I want. I'm clear about my desire. I'm clear about
that desire, and I'm willing to juxtapose it with small steps.
I'm willing to accept that love is my number one
(22:06):
priority and I know I need to take small steps
toward it. The challenge is what we do. Is we go, oh,
I don't admit loves my number one desire. That's so uncomfortable,
that's so cringe, that's so awkward, that makes me so lame.
I'm not going to do that. What have we done?
We've just we've completely suppressed our desire. So now we're
faking detachment because we're scared of looking silly. So it's
(22:28):
not a big priority. We're pretending it's a small priority,
and we're trying to take big steps. So I'm just
going to focus on my career. Or we're desperate, so
we're saying, oh my god, it's not just a desire,
it's desperation. And so we're saying, Okay, it is a
big priority, but then we're trying to take these massive,
big leaps towards it. It's the opposite ideas we need
a big priority accepting love. I desire love. I desire
(22:53):
real love. I deserve real love. Repeat that, I desire
real love and I deserve real love. But I'm going
to take I'm ready to take the small steps towards it,
the weekly date routine. I'm willing to take the small
steps by asking my friends and committing and connecting with people.
(23:15):
I'm willing to take the small steps of not rushing
it and seeing where things go with someone. I'm willing
to take the small steps that even if it didn't
work out on the first date, I'm okay with taking
a second. I'm okay with trying it out, even when
things feel like it's not quite working out. I'm open
to the small steps. I'm not waiting for that first big,
(23:36):
miraculous moment of chemistry that makes me feel like this
person is perfect and everything's perfect. But really I'm just
lying to myself. Small steps, big priority. The next way
to become a magnet is to be patient for love
but impatient for dating. Usually what we are is that
(23:58):
we're impatient for it all, or we're saying we're patient,
but we're feeling impatient. How can we be patient for
the big things and impatient about the small things, patient
for love to develop, but impatient to connect, build connections,
meet people, be out there, connect. Often we do the opposite.
(24:20):
We go, oh yeah, I'll see when a date comes up.
So we're patient for the dates, but we're impatient about love.
I really want to be in love. I really want
to be in love, but I don't want to go
out on any dates. I don't want to put in
the work. Impatient about dates, patient about love. Say it
out loud, I'm patient for real love. I am patient
for real love. I'm impatient to try and meet more people.
(24:45):
That's the balance, that's that dynamic state that blends desire
and deserving instead of desperation and detachment. The next step
is aligne what you think, say, and do. Too many
people are thinking I'm desperate for love. They're saying I
don't need it, and doing they're not going out on
(25:07):
any dates. Too many people are saying in their head,
I am detached from love. They're saying they really really
want it, and then they're doing nothing. Again. Align accept
in your mind this year, love is a big priority.
Say it when you speak to people. Love is my
(25:28):
number one priority, and then let it lead to your actions.
A beautiful old saying says that we experience misalignment or
we can't be in harmony of what we think, say,
and do are not aligned. Too many of us are
saying something to our friends, thinking something on our own,
(25:48):
and doing something completely different. Align Align Align. I am
aligned in manifesting love. I'm aligned in attracting love. Whatever
you think, be clear about it. Repeat that when you're
with people, no matter how hard or cringe it is.
If you can't express your desire in your mind and
(26:10):
out loud to your close friends and take action aligned
with it, you can't manifest. Manifestation is all about aligning.
We're aligning with ourselves, we're aligning with the universe. Most
of us are misaligned because we're saying something completely different
to what we're doing and thinking. The next step is
living as if you already have love, Creating love in
(26:34):
all relationships, infusing love into your work relationships, infusing love
with your friends and family, Feeling and experiencing love, noticing love,
notice love, acknowledge love, feel it, see it around you
wherever you are, when someone compliments you, when someone says something,
(26:54):
rather than in the back of your head thinking I
wish I had a partner who said that, I wish
I had someone who felt that I wish I knew
someone who felt that way about me. There are people
who feel that way about you, and yes it's not romantic,
but that doesn't mean it's not helpful. It's helpful in
helping you create a state of love and becoming a magnet.
(27:15):
Remember you're trying to become a magnet where you attract
love into your life, which means you have to notice it.
That's the skill of a magnet and notices that this
is an energy, a feel that I want to bring
into my life and in order to do that. We
have to focus on what is important about you, what's
(27:37):
valuable about you? Can you notice those things? Can you
highlight those things? Can you value those things in yourself?
People find it so hard to write down three things
they value about themselves. But I promise you, if you
can't do that, you can't manifest love into your life,
because you'll always feel unworthy of love. Even when someone
will stand in front of you, stare you in the
(27:57):
eyes and say I love you, you won't belie leave
it because you don't feel you're lovable. You haven't accepted
that there's parts of you that are completely lovable. And finally,
I'd suggest, what if you not healed from a previous
relationship that will affect the future. That's the energy to clear.
(28:19):
That's what you want to work on. You don't want
to carry that into the next stage. I hope, I
wish that twenty twenty five becomes your year of manifesting love.
I know it can. And all you have to do
is follow these steps. Listen to this episode every week,
save it, and it will be an incredible year. This
(28:42):
will be the year you will become a magnet and
manifest and attract love into your life if you follow
these simple steps. Thank you so much for listening. Remember
I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, you're going to love my
conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
(29:03):
ex and find true love in your relationships. People should
be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your
future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future
self is doing something that gives him or her a
shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
Hey everyone, it's Jayshetty and I'm thrilled to announce my
podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can see
my On Purpose podcast live and in person. Join me
in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with
surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert,
or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences
(00:23):
designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections.
I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on
cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today.
Every text, every moment of silence, every look feels like
a test of your worth and their love your messaging. Hey, wait, wait, wait,
(00:44):
what did you mean by that? Hey? Are we on
the same page? Do you really want to see me?
I'm not sure If you don't want to see me,
it's okay, right that desperation is not a state through
which we manifest and attract love. The number one health
and wellness five Jay Setty, Jay Chetty Jetty, Hey everyone,
(01:07):
welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jayschetty, and
I am so grateful that you're here. I have to
start with I am so excited that I'm taking on
Purpose on tour this year, and I want you to
come and see me. Head over to Jayshetty dot Me
Forward Slash Tour. That's Jayshetty dot Me Forward Slash Tour
(01:31):
so that you can come and see me live. I
can't wait for you to see our special guests. We're
going to have experts, celebrities, thought leaders. It's going to
be really deep, profound work, and it's going to be
a lot of fun. Bring your friends, bring your family.
I can't wait to see you now. Today's episode is
all about how twenty twenty five becomes the year we
(01:55):
manifest love. Whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single,
whether you're dating, this episode is for you. If you're
someone who for so long feels like they've tried everything
and anything to find love, This episode is for you.
(02:15):
If you're someone who's in a long term relationship but
you want to infuse it with more love, this episode
is for you. And if you're someone who's dating right now,
exhausted with the apps, got so much going on, this
episode is for you. The first question I want to
(02:37):
share with you is who would you be today if
you knew you were going to meet the person you
will love for the rest of your life. Who would
you be if you knew you were going to meet
the person you would love for the rest of your
life today. Let's say you were going to meet them
(02:59):
in three hours, in five hours, in six hours. What
would you do differently? What would be the focus of
your life? How would it change the way you feel?
Not just what you would do. How would it change
the way you feel, the way you feel about love,
(03:20):
the way you feel about happiness, the way you feel
about life? Would you have an extra skip in your step?
Would you be that much more alert? Would you be
that much more positive? Would you be that much more kind?
What would it feel like if you knew the person
of your dreams, the person you would spend the rest
(03:40):
of your life with, was three hours away from you.
How would you feel and how would that change the
way you Behave just feel that in your body for
a moment. Maybe it makes you smile, Maybe it makes
you slightly nervous, Maybe you can feel the butterflies. Maybe
(04:02):
you shed a tear because it's been such a painful journey.
Think about that for a second. How would it feel
embody that how would it feel. I want you to
remember this feeling because I want you to bring yourself
back to this whenever you feel you're drifting away. It's
(04:26):
this energy that attracts and manifests the partner that you want,
because it's this excitement, this enthusiasm that is the magnet
to attract that. Right when we talk about manifesting, what
we're trying to do is become a magnet so we
can attract things in our direction. The energy, the vibrancy,
(04:49):
the frequency of attraction. Is this the genuine belief, the
natural feeling, the organic manifestation that it's just around the corner.
And guess what, whether you do meet the love of
your life in three hours or not, it's just a
(05:10):
beautiful place to live. It's a happier mind, it's a
healthier body, it's a more healed heart. Isn't that where
we all want to live? Isn't that what would truly
be a magnet for the right person. This is the
year you manifest love. If you follow the simple guidelines
(05:31):
that I'm about to share today, it will change your life. Now.
I want to start off with what we usually do.
We don't live in the state that I just talked about.
We live in one of two states as humans because
we love extremes. We either live in a state of
(05:51):
desperation on one end, or we live in a state
of detachment. So desperation is, oh my gosh, I need
to find love. I need to go on a date.
Oh my god, I'm never going to find someone. Oh
my gosh, everyone's getting married. Oh my god, I'm so behind.
Oh my gosh, am I ever going to find someone?
That's desperation? And you don't have to tell me. We've
(06:13):
all experienced that. We've all been there, we know what
it feels like. But then sometimes we do the opposite,
the detachment. I'm too busy, I'm focused on my career.
I don't need love. It's not that important. It will
work itself out. I'm not paying it any attention. And
whether we mean that, whether we truly believe that, we've
(06:33):
all been on that side too, And guess what, here
we still are, whether you're in a relationship or not,
here we still are without love. If you're in a relationship,
desperation looks like I wish my partner would give me
more attention. Why don't they care about my birthday. Oh
my god, we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day, We
didn't do anything for Christmas. You know, they just don't
care about me, right, we know what that feels like.
(06:56):
And then if you're in a relationship, detachment feels like,
oh no, we're independent. Now. You know he's got his
thing going on, I've got my thing going on. We
do not really need each other. Those are both not
states of love. They're both not peak human states. But
you can live in peak human state, and I want
you to. So let's talk about that. Desperation doesn't work
(07:20):
because it leads to a lot of challenges. The first
is desperation can make you ignore red flags. Right when
you're desperate, you convince yourself that bad behavior is just
a phase, or that they can fix it. Sometimes you
don't even notice the bad behavior. You just go, oh, no,
(07:42):
but they're so wonderful, oh wow, Like, no, but they
did this thing. You find all the excuses that justify
how you feel, also known as confirmation bias. You notice
the things that confirm the feeling you want to have.
How many times have you done that with someone? You
confirm the feelings, and you notice the things that confirm
(08:05):
the feelings that you want to have. It's amazing how
that works, isn't it. And then when that relationship breaks down,
all of a sudden, you notice all these other things
and you go, I knew that was there. I don't
know how I missed it. I saw it, I don't
know how I missed it. It almost seems like it's
hiding in plain sight. So desperation means sometimes we ignore
(08:26):
red flags. Desperation sometimes means we overgive. We pour all
our energy into someone, hoping our efforts will be enough
to make them stay. We overgive, and then when they undergive,
we make them feel bad that we overgave, when actually
it was our choice. It was our desperation, it was
(08:48):
our insecure attachment that was doing it, And that way
it doesn't work out. Sometimes when we're desperate, I'm sure
you have friends who've done this. We settle for less,
We lower our standards to avoid being alone. How many
(09:09):
friends or family members do you have right now who
you know have not manifested love because they were desperate,
because they really believe that being alone was so terrible
that they ended up settling for less. And I've seen
people really settle for less, sadly, so much less than
(09:31):
they deserve because they're desperate. Desperation is not a state
through which you can attract and manifest the love of
your life. It isn't a state for that. Another thing
desperation leads to is overthinking everything. Every text, every moment
(09:53):
of silence, every look feels like a test of your
worth and their love. Your messaging go hey, wait, wait, wait,
what did you mean by that? Hey? Are we on
the same page? Do you really want to see me?
I'm not sure If you don't want to see me,
it's okay, right That desperation means we're overthinking everything. That
(10:13):
overthinking energy is not a state through which we manifest
and attract love. We manifest and attract more overthinking, more anxiety,
more stress, more drama. And we've all been there as well.
When we're desperate, we often lose ourselves. We change our hobbies,
change our opinions, We change our personality to match whatever
(10:38):
that person wants. And we've seen where that leads. That
person eventually decides to choose their own way, and we
feel hard done by because we changed who we were
to keep them in our life. Don't change who you
are to keep someone in your life. Don't become who
(11:00):
they are to hope they will stay. Be who you are,
and see who stays to grow with you. It's so
fascinating to me how so many of us trade and
lose our identity in the desperate desire to have love
in our lives, only to realize that that energetic state
(11:23):
doesn't create love. It creates loss, loss of ourselves, and
loss of that person because that person won't stick around
because they'll also get a sense that you're not yourself.
Or when you get a sense that you're not yourself
anymore and you finally share who you are with them,
(11:45):
they'll be hewt broken about that. A lot of us,
when we're desperate, we rush things, We skip steps. We
imagine a future before there's a solid foundation. Think about
that for a second. How many times have you ever
imagined future before there was a solid foundation. A lot
(12:05):
of us, when we're desperate, we seek validation constantly. We
crave assurance. We read too much into small gestures. We're
desperately searching for proof that we're loved right. We want
to see that, We want to feel that at every
moment we need it. That desperate act doesn't create love.
It creates neediness, it creates dependency, it creates stress for
(12:28):
the other person. And if we're desperate, we avoid boundaries.
We're too scared to say no, to stand up for ourselves.
We're scared we're going to push someone away, so we
pull them closer by pushing ourselves away. Right, think about
that for a second. You're so scared you're going to
push someone away that you pull them closer. But the
(12:50):
way you do that is you push yourself away from yourself.
You get so far away from yourself, so you can
be so close to someone else, only to push them
further away because they never really got to know you.
And finally, when we're desperate, we stay in toxic situations. Sadly,
(13:12):
I know too many friends, too many people who will
accept physical, verbal, emotional abuse, staying in a toxic situation
without love because we're too scared of being alone. So
that's what desperation does. And as you can see, what
I'm trying to paint is a picture of the state
that is created as opposed to the state that we
(13:35):
live in when love is just around the corner. Notice
how like light and hopefully happy and filled or fulfilled
you felt when I started talking at the beginning of
the episode, and now I'm kind of feeling a bit
heavy right It's heavy. I couldn't be more excited to
share something truly special with all you TA lovers out there.
(13:56):
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(14:18):
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(14:42):
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(15:02):
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code on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off your first order.
That's drink ja Uni dot com and make sure you
use the code on purpose now. Detachment often looks like
you're too cool for school. Detachment means we push people away,
(15:25):
We act overly independent, We reject genuine connection out of
fear of vulnerability. Maybe you've been hurt before and now
you're acting too cool for school, but you're pushing other
people away. When we're acting detached or we are detached,
we sometimes miss opportunities. We brush off someone who truly cares.
(15:48):
We convince ourselves that it's not a big deal. And
I've seen that happen too often. People just say, oh, yeah,
you know, I'm I'm doing my own thing right now,
and you miss out on a really beautiful possible connection.
The third is you overcompensate. You act like you're too busy,
(16:08):
you're too focused on other things than love. And while
that's not a bad thing, I think it's amazing when
people get focused on their careers, when they go deep,
I think it's beautiful. But if in the back of
your mind, you're like, I just really want to be
in a relationship, I wish I could find that person.
You're kind of detached and desperate at the same time,
(16:29):
which is the worst situation to be in. The reason
I'm painting these states is because I want us to
realize the difference. When we get into the optimal state,
then I'm going to share with you in a moment.
I want to share with you that optimal state of
attraction and manifestation, and I want you to realize that
the states of desperation and detachment don't create that dynamic
(16:54):
energy that we need in order to be a magnet.
The fourth thing we do is we build walls, not boundaries.
Instead of healthy limits, we shut up entirely. We think
it's safer that way. It's almost like, instead of getting
blinds for the sun pouring into your house, which is
a healthy way to manage it, you end up putting
(17:16):
up walls around your house. That's what we all do.
We put up walls, not boundaries, right, and we think
it's safer that way, but it's not safer. We need
that light, We need that connection. We need to expose
ourselves to a tiny bit of pain, a tiny bit
of stress, a tiny bit of discomfort and struggle. Another
(17:37):
thing we do when we're detached is we seek distractions.
We pretend we don't need anyone we party to fill
the void. We take up loads of new hobbies. By
the way, these are all great things, but not if
they're coming from a place of trying to avoid that
which we're looking for. We project this sort of indifference.
(18:00):
We claim we don't care, but our actions often reveal
that we're scared to admit we do. Right, You pretend
you don't care, but really you're scared to admit that
you actually do. And that means we end up sabotaging
potential relationships. Right, We find reasons to end things early.
(18:20):
We convince people that it wasn't meant to be. We
convince ourselves that it wasn't meant to be. So when
you're desperate, you're pulling something close when it doesn't make sense,
and when you're in detachment, you're pushing something away when
it doesn't make sense. Listen to that again. When you're desperate,
you're trying to pull things closer than they're meant to be,
(18:42):
and when you're detached, you're trying to push things further
away than they're meant to be. You're not allowing what
is meant to be to be in your life, and
what does that do? It means we often feel lonely
in private, behind closed doors, behind the bravado. When it fades,
(19:03):
loneliness starts to creep in, and we're there on our
own on a Friday night, saying we're okay, saying we're strong,
saying we're not in need, but we are feeling desperate.
And a lot of us oscillate between this desperation and detachment.
We think, Oh, everyone says you find someone when you're
not looking for them. Right, let me pretend to be detached.
Oh wait, that didn't work. Or I need to be
(19:24):
desperate again, or I really need to tell all my
friends I'm desperate again, I'm really seeking. Oh wait, that
didn't work. All right, let me just be detached again.
Maybe that will work. I am sure you've met people.
I'm sure your friends and family are just constantly oscillating
between these two states, and finally we convince ourselves that
love is a weakness. We're scared of connection, we're scared
(19:47):
of being hurt. And what I find is that as
humans were good at oscillating between light and dark, we're
not good at viewing them at the same time. And
it's rare. If you think about a solar accla, a
solar eclipse is when you see the layer of the
moon and the sun. It's a very rare sight. But
(20:08):
that's what we need to do, right. We know what
to do in the darkness, we know what to do
in the light. We rarely see both together, and so
that's what we need to do. We need to find
out that middle path of detachment and desperation. That's that state,
that dynamic state that we want to be in. There's detachment,
but there's also desperation, but it's not desperation. In the
(20:33):
dynamic state, it's now desire and instead of detachment, it's deserving. Right,
it's desire and deserving instead of desperation and detachment. Desperation
and detachment will push the right people away and pull
(20:54):
the wrong people close. Desire and deserving will push the
wrong people away and pull the right people close. When
we know what we desire and we believe we deserve it,
that is that peak human state, as opposed to oscillating
and operating in the extremes of desperation and detachment. So
(21:20):
how do we do that? The first thing is looking
at these blends, these juxtapositions of seemingly opposite ideas. Love
has to be a big priority, but we have to
take small steps. This is how we learn to manifest
that optimal state. We have to accept love is a
(21:44):
big priority. In twenty twenty five, love is really important
to me. Love is my number one focus in what
I want. I'm clear about my desire. I'm clear about
that desire, and I'm willing to juxtapose it with small steps.
I'm willing to accept that love is my number one
(22:06):
priority and I know I need to take small steps
toward it. The challenge is what we do. Is we go, oh,
I don't admit loves my number one desire. That's so uncomfortable,
that's so cringe, that's so awkward, that makes me so lame.
I'm not going to do that. What have we done?
We've just we've completely suppressed our desire. So now we're
faking detachment because we're scared of looking silly. So it's
(22:28):
not a big priority. We're pretending it's a small priority,
and we're trying to take big steps. So I'm just
going to focus on my career. Or we're desperate, so
we're saying, oh my god, it's not just a desire,
it's desperation. And so we're saying, Okay, it is a
big priority, but then we're trying to take these massive,
big leaps towards it. It's the opposite ideas we need
a big priority accepting love. I desire love. I desire
(22:53):
real love. I deserve real love. Repeat that, I desire
real love and I deserve real love. But I'm going
to take I'm ready to take the small steps towards it,
the weekly date routine. I'm willing to take the small
steps by asking my friends and committing and connecting with people.
(23:15):
I'm willing to take the small steps of not rushing
it and seeing where things go with someone. I'm willing
to take the small steps that even if it didn't
work out on the first date, I'm okay with taking
a second. I'm okay with trying it out, even when
things feel like it's not quite working out. I'm open
to the small steps. I'm not waiting for that first big,
(23:36):
miraculous moment of chemistry that makes me feel like this
person is perfect and everything's perfect. But really I'm just
lying to myself. Small steps, big priority. The next way
to become a magnet is to be patient for love
but impatient for dating. Usually what we are is that
(23:58):
we're impatient for it all, or we're saying we're patient,
but we're feeling impatient. How can we be patient for
the big things and impatient about the small things, patient
for love to develop, but impatient to connect, build connections,
meet people, be out there, connect. Often we do the opposite.
(24:20):
We go, oh yeah, I'll see when a date comes up.
So we're patient for the dates, but we're impatient about love.
I really want to be in love. I really want
to be in love, but I don't want to go
out on any dates. I don't want to put in
the work. Impatient about dates, patient about love. Say it
out loud, I'm patient for real love. I am patient
for real love. I'm impatient to try and meet more people.
(24:45):
That's the balance, that's that dynamic state that blends desire
and deserving instead of desperation and detachment. The next step
is aligne what you think, say, and do. Too many
people are thinking I'm desperate for love. They're saying I
don't need it, and doing they're not going out on
(25:07):
any dates. Too many people are saying in their head,
I am detached from love. They're saying they really really
want it, and then they're doing nothing. Again. Align accept
in your mind this year, love is a big priority.
Say it when you speak to people. Love is my
(25:28):
number one priority, and then let it lead to your actions.
A beautiful old saying says that we experience misalignment or
we can't be in harmony of what we think, say,
and do are not aligned. Too many of us are
saying something to our friends, thinking something on our own,
(25:48):
and doing something completely different. Align Align Align. I am
aligned in manifesting love. I'm aligned in attracting love. Whatever
you think, be clear about it. Repeat that when you're
with people, no matter how hard or cringe it is.
If you can't express your desire in your mind and
(26:10):
out loud to your close friends and take action aligned
with it, you can't manifest. Manifestation is all about aligning.
We're aligning with ourselves, we're aligning with the universe. Most
of us are misaligned because we're saying something completely different
to what we're doing and thinking. The next step is
living as if you already have love, Creating love in
(26:34):
all relationships, infusing love into your work relationships, infusing love
with your friends and family, Feeling and experiencing love, noticing love,
notice love, acknowledge love, feel it, see it around you
wherever you are, when someone compliments you, when someone says something,
(26:54):
rather than in the back of your head thinking I
wish I had a partner who said that, I wish
I had someone who felt that I wish I knew
someone who felt that way about me. There are people
who feel that way about you, and yes it's not romantic,
but that doesn't mean it's not helpful. It's helpful in
helping you create a state of love and becoming a magnet.
(27:15):
Remember you're trying to become a magnet where you attract
love into your life, which means you have to notice it.
That's the skill of a magnet and notices that this
is an energy, a feel that I want to bring
into my life and in order to do that. We
have to focus on what is important about you, what's
(27:37):
valuable about you? Can you notice those things? Can you
highlight those things? Can you value those things in yourself?
People find it so hard to write down three things
they value about themselves. But I promise you, if you
can't do that, you can't manifest love into your life,
because you'll always feel unworthy of love. Even when someone
will stand in front of you, stare you in the
(27:57):
eyes and say I love you, you won't belie leave
it because you don't feel you're lovable. You haven't accepted
that there's parts of you that are completely lovable. And finally,
I'd suggest, what if you not healed from a previous
relationship that will affect the future. That's the energy to clear.
(28:19):
That's what you want to work on. You don't want
to carry that into the next stage. I hope, I
wish that twenty twenty five becomes your year of manifesting love.
I know it can. And all you have to do
is follow these steps. Listen to this episode every week,
save it, and it will be an incredible year. This
(28:42):
will be the year you will become a magnet and
manifest and attract love into your life if you follow
these simple steps. Thank you so much for listening. Remember
I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, you're going to love my
conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your
(29:03):
ex and find true love in your relationships. People should
be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion to your
future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future
self is doing something that gives him or her a
shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
Host
Jay Shetty
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