April 18, 2025 • 27 mins
Do you ever feel stuck in the same dating patterns?
Do you think your past relationship is still affecting you?
Today, Jay unpacks the powerful and often hidden influence our past relationships have on our current dating pattern. Drawing from psychological research and personal reflection, Jay explores the concept of repetition compulsion—the unconscious tendency to recreate emotional patterns from our past, especially in romantic relationships. He reveals how our early attachments, particularly those with our parents and first loves, shape the way we love, what we fear, and even who we are drawn to.
With compassion and clarity, Jay outlines the five key signs that your ex—or more accurately, your past relationship wounds—might still be holding the steering wheel in your current dating life. He then re-introduces the attachment theory, helping them identify their own attachment styles—whether anxious, avoidant, or secure—and how these styles play out in their romantic behaviors. His message is clear: you are not broken, you are patterned—and patterns can be changed.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Recognize When Your Past Is Sabotaging Your Love Life
How to Break the Cycle of Repeating Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
How to Tell the Difference Between Familiarity and Safety
How to Avoid Self-Sabotaging Healthy Relationships
How to Reparent Yourself and Meet Your Own Emotional Needs
This episode is both a compassionate wake-up call and a hopeful guide for anyone seeking to build healthier, more fulfilling love. Whether you're recovering from a breakup or simply ready to stop repeating the past, this is the episode that could shift everything.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there!
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:16 How Past Relationships Shape Your Dating Future
02:39 We Recreate Familiar Emotional Patterns In New Relationships
09:18 Five Signs Your Past Relationship Is Affecting You
12:09 What Are The Different Types Of Attachment Styles?
22:35 The Path To Earned Security
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward Slash Tour and get
yours today. You're not being held back from finding real
(00:48):
love because of who you're going out with. You're being
held back by people you already went out with. And
how crazy is it to think that your ex is
still in control of your life, Your ex is still
impacting your life. I know none of us want to
be in that situation.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
The number one health and well inness podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Jay Setti, Jay Shetty, Everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose.
My name's Jay Shetty and I'm so grateful to welcome
you back. This is the place you come to listen,
learn and grow. Thank you for your commitment, Thank you
for your time, Thank you for your energy. I appreciate
(01:28):
it so so deeply. Now, today's episode is all about
how past relationships shape your dating future. How many of
you have ever found yourself saying why do I keep
attracting the same kind of people? Why do I keep
attracting the same kind of person? Or why am I
(01:52):
so guarded when things start to go well? Or why
am I always the one who's chasing someone? If you've
ever are any of those questions, this episode is for you.
We're diving deep into the psychology of how your past relationships,
loves and losses are still influencing who you choose, how
(02:14):
you love, and what you fear. And most importantly, we're
talking about how to break the cycle. I think so
many of us feel like we're always repeating patterns. We
keep making the same mistakes, we keep bumping into the
same types of people, and we don't realize what's going on.
(02:34):
And sometimes we may pause and think, well, maybe something's
wrong with me, But that doesn't solve the problem either, Right,
we keep repeating patterns. We keep finding the same people,
we keep being attracted to the same types of people,
We keep having our heart broken in the exact same way.
What is going on. Let's get into it. The first
(02:58):
thing I want to do is talk to you about
the truth about your relationship history. Here's a really interesting
thing to think about. According to the Journal of Social
and Personal Relationships, people tend to recreate familiar emotional patterns
in new relationships, even if those patterns were painful. Why
(03:19):
Because familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. Think about
that moment. Familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. If
the mind feels something feels familiar, something feels like home,
something feels consistent, we see it as safe even though
it's not healthy. And the fascinating thing about this is
(03:43):
sometimes it's repeating the patterns of our parents. If your
home was always a place of anxiety, you now feel
at home in places of anxiety. If at home you
had to constantly try to get your parents' attention, you
now feel it's familiar. In dating when you're trying to
get someone's attention. If you were always over loved at home,
(04:07):
you now feel familiar when you're over loved, even if
that person's love bombing you. It's really fascinating how our
first loves, our parents are the first people to truly
love us, the first person we ever dated, the first
person we had a crush on. All of this becomes
our relationship history, and whatever that relationship history looks like
(04:30):
becomes what we yearn for. I describe this in my
book Eight Rules of Love as the gifts and gaps.
We try to repeat the gifts that our parents gave us,
and we try to fill the gaps that our parents
left By the people we choose. Everything is wired from
(04:51):
the past, and therefore, if you really want to move forward,
if you really want to make progress, we have to
start by looking back. Now. This idea is called repetition compulsion,
a term coined by Freud. It means we unconsciously repeat
relationship dynamics from our past, hoping to fix them this
(05:14):
time round. This is the part that I find so interesting.
Not only do we pick things that feel familiar, we
feel this time's the exception. This time we're going to
solve it. This time we're going to figure it out.
I'm going to date someone who's emotionally unavailable, but this
time I'm going to be able to change them. I'm
(05:35):
going to date someone who's emotionally immature, but this time
they're going to become more immature. I'm going to date
someone who disrespects me, but they're going to learn to
respect me. This is how we unconsciously repeat relationship dynamics
from our past, hoping to fix them this time round. Oh,
(06:00):
if your X was emotionally unavailable and you now find
yourself drawn to someone who gives mixed signals, that's not
a coincidence. That's your brain saying this feels like home.
This feels like home. So I want to clarify something here.
It's not because we enjoy the pain. It's because our
(06:22):
brain feels safe and is still trying to solve it.
Maybe if I live it again this time, I can
get it right and real life. And here are some
more real life examples. You had an emotionally unavailable parent,
and now you keep falling for partners who are hot
(06:43):
and cold, distant, or avoidant. You were constantly criticized growing up,
and now you seek validation from people who hold back
their approval. Your first love cheated or betrayed you, and
now you feel hyper vigilant or drawn to people who
triggered that insecurity. It's not just bad luck, it's your
(07:05):
nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to
survive this. This literally is blowing my mind as I'm
saying it. Think about that for a second. We often say, oh,
it's just bad luck. I just have bad luck in dating.
It just keeps going wrong for me. And what ends
up happening is not only are we stuck in a cycle,
(07:25):
we now start saying harsh, critical things to ourselves. But
the reality is, it's not just bad luck. It's your
nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to
survive this. We keep moving in the direction of things
we think we can survive, rather than the discomfort of
(07:47):
something we're not used to, even if it's better for us.
It's almost like saying, when you're trying to change what
you're eating or you're trying to go to the gym,
we all know going to the gym is better for us,
but it's uncomfortable to choose it. We'd rather stay in
bed because it feels safe, even though it's not healthy.
Your brain does this because it's wired to seek what's familiar.
(08:10):
Unresolved trauma doesn't just sit quietly in your memory. It
repeats itself in your choices, relationships, and emotional reactions. Repetition
compulsion is your subconscious trying to rewrite the story to
finally win the love, approval, or safety you didn't get
(08:31):
the first time. But here's the twist. You can't heal
by reliving the wound. You heal by choosing differently. The
moment you recognize your patterns, you interrupt the cycle. It
might look like, Wow, I'm actually not in love. I'm
just trying to earn the love I never got. You
(08:54):
might hear it as this isn't chemistry. This is a
wound dressed up as a t This person reminds me
of someone who hurt me, not someone who can love me.
That awareness is where the healing begins, right That's where
it really begins. I hope this is hitting you as
hard as it hitting for me. Right now, and get this.
(09:17):
A University of Demo study found that emotional baggage from
previous relationships is one of the top predictors of dissatisfaction
in new ones. So yeah, your past is in the room,
even when your ex isn't. So what do we do
about this? So the five signs your past relationship might
(09:40):
still be in the driving seat. Number one, you're hyper
independent or emotionally walled off. Now, independence is great. It's
when we're emotionally walled off that our independence is no
longer independence. It's actually isolation. Right. It's not that you
feel comfortable on your own, it's that you only feel
(10:03):
good on your own. Right. There's a difference between liking
your company and enjoying your company and only wanting to
be alone because you're scared of connection. The second sign
that your past relationship might still be holding the wheel
is you panic when someone gets too close or too distant.
(10:26):
Have you noticed tell When someone gets close, we start
to go, oh, yeah, I'm not sure this is working out.
I'm not really sure about this. Oh maybe they weren't right.
You now start to see all the red flags. All
of a sudden, you're convinced that this person's not great
for you. We also get panicky when someone gets too distant.
If someone says, hey, I'm going away for the week,
(10:46):
all of a sudden, we're wondering why they haven't messaged us.
Immediately right. If someone says, hey, I'm going away for
three days, we're like, oh, do you have to go? Right?
And that's just triggering something from the past. You may
not even like this person and that much. You may
not even have that depth of connection with them, and
they may be thinking, wait a minute, why are you
going to miss me so much? We've only been dating
(11:07):
for a month, and all of a sudden you start
to recognize and I'm sure you can see how it
all comes from previous abandonment, previous isolation, previous disconnection. Number three,
We've talked about this. You're drawn to the same kind
of emotionally unavailable partners. Number four, you sabotage healthy connections
(11:28):
because they feel too easy. This is what self sabotage
really is. Self sabotage is you ending something before someone
else ends it. You'd rather be the one to claim
the failure than live with someone else rejecting you. You'd
rather be the one to say, hey, this is too simple,
(11:52):
it's too easy. There must be something wrong with it.
This is too good to be true. And number five,
you confuse intensity with intimacy. So many of us things
if things are intense up and down drama. You know
all of the chaos, that that's intimacy, that that means
that we're in love, that means that we have connection.
(12:14):
But the truth is just that's just the connection you
saw being mirrored for such a long time. This is
why it's so important for us to understand the attachment styles.
First of all, I want to introduce you to the
idea or reintroduce you to the idea of attachment styles.
Something you may or may not have come across. An
(12:34):
attachment style is basically your relationship blueprint. It's how you connect,
how you handle closeness, and how you react to emotional
stress in love. I always say to people you will
know the strength of a relationship not by how you
deal with the good times, but how you deal with
the stressful times. How your partner or potential partner deals
(12:59):
with a fight, disagreement, or argument is more telling than
how they deal with a date or an anniversary. How
they deal with things going wrong is more important than
how they deal with everything going right. It's one of
the reasons why we all go through the honeymoon phase.
And so how you react to emotional stress in love
(13:24):
is so important and it's usually shaped by childhood based
on how safe or secure your early relationships work. So
there are three main types of attachment style. But this
is so important because it basically shows how you latch
onto people, how you connect with people, how you feel
(13:44):
when they're not giving you attention, not giving you presents,
when you're not feeling any affection, and you can clearly
spot how you make those mistakes and how you don't
want to make them again. That's my goal with this episode.
My genuine goal with this episode is I don't want
you to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want
(14:04):
you to keep dating the same person just with a
different name and a different face and a different hairstyle.
I want you to outgrow your trauma. I want you
to outgrow your weaker attachment styles. I want you to
outgrow the effects of your previous relationships that are holding
(14:25):
you back from finding real love. You're not being held
back from finding real love because of who you're going
out with. You're being held back by people you already
went out with. And how crazy is it to think
that your ex is still in control of your life,
your ex is still impacting your life. I know none
of us want to be in that situation, I couldn't
(14:47):
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sure you use the code on purpose. So the first
(16:14):
attachment style is secure attachment. You're comfortable with closeness and independence.
You communicate well, trust easily, and bounce back from conflict.
Love feels safe, not scary. You might be secure if
you don't play games, don't fear being abandoned, and you're
(16:34):
okay being alone or in love now. This, of course
is rare, challenging, but we all want to be there.
Second is anxious attachment, something a lot of us experience.
You crave closeness, but often fear it's going to be
taken away. So you want to be close, you actually
want to be connected, but there's always this insecurity, this
(16:58):
hidden fear, this feeling that's niggling away at you, making
you feel like it's going to be taken away. At
any moment. It could all be taken away. You might
overthink texts, read between the lines, or need lots of reassurance.
How many times have you met someone who keeps checking
in with you to say, Hey, does everything feel good? Hey?
(17:20):
Does this make sense? Hey? Is this okay? Hey? Are
we on the right path? And you might be wondering
what is going on here? I just told them I
love them. I just told them that I was okay.
Or maybe you've seen in yourself, maybe you were that
person who keeps wanting to be reassured that you're doing
the right thing, you're doing a good job, that they're happy,
(17:40):
and you keep checking out You're happy, is everything okay?
And they're like, wait a minute, I just literally took
a breath, like what changed? Right? And this is something
we can all relate to. We overthink texts. We make
things mean what they don't mean right. Don't give meaning
to something that doesn't have a meaning. Don't make up
(18:03):
a story about something that is just information. We're really
good at taking information and turning it into a story.
Don't take a fact and turn it into a feeling.
The fact is they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. Now,
(18:24):
your feeling is saying they didn't message me back because
they didn't like my message. I must have said something wrong.
I must have come on too strong. I might be
pushing them away. Oh my gosh, I did this before.
You're now attaching a feeling to a fact. The fact
is just they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. There's
(18:45):
no reason, there's no information, there's no data, there's no insight.
But you're now creating a story around that event. Don't
make every event into a story. Don't make every retext
into a story. Don't make every fact become a feeling
(19:06):
without knowing what it is. You might have an anxious
attachment if you feel like you're always too much or
always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Those are
two good signs that you know you have an anxious
attachment style. And by the way, none of these make
you weak. None of these make you wrong, none of
these make you bad. We all have one of these,
(19:29):
but we can all try to work towards having more
secure attachment. That's the goal, that's what we want to do.
We want to work towards having more secure attachment and
move away from anxious attachment. Now, the third one is
the avoidant attachment. You value independence a lot, sometimes too much.
(19:53):
You might push people away, get overwhelmed by emotional needs
or shut down when things get real. Now, you might
be avoidant if you've said things like I'm just not
good at relationships or I don't want to rely on anyone.
I actually got like this when I left the monastery.
There was a big part of me that felt I
don't need a relationship to be happy. I'm happy by myself.
(20:14):
And I'd say things like that, and I realize it
was really just me having developed an avoidant attachment, and
that wasn't healthy either, because you can lose out on
something that's beautiful for you, you can push someone away
who wants to be close. And what's really interesting here
is what ends up happening is that anxious attachment people
(20:35):
end up meeting avoidant attachment people. Now, if you've got
an anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment, that can be
a recipe for disaster, because the anxious person's constantly checking
in saying, hey, it's everything, okay, are you happy? Are
we going in the right direction? And the avoidant person's like,
you're getting too close, you're too much, you're being too clingy. Right,
(20:55):
You can notice and you can probably relate to how
that's happened in your life, which is why there's an
even greater need for us all to move into secure now.
If a secure person is with someone with an anxious attachment,
they can remind them, they can be reassuring, They can
help them feel safe if the anxious person is aware
(21:16):
and wants to upgrade and move forward. If a secure
attachment is with an avoidant, they can potentially get that
person to be more open, to be more communicative if
the avoidant person is aware of their attachment style. We
have to pay attention to our patterns, not just our
past partner's patterns. Your attachment style isn't about them, It's
(21:41):
about your emotional reflexes. Yes, you can change your attachment style.
It's called earned security, and it happens when you rewire
old patterns through small, consistent shifts in how you relate
to yourself and others. The best thing you can do
is moved towards secure attachment. Because you can't control whether
(22:05):
someone is anxious or avoidant, but you can be secure,
and when you're secure, you will be able to see.
You'll actually be able to be better able to tell
whether someone else is secure because you know what that
looks like. You know what it sounds like, you know
what it feels like. So when you meet someone who's
loving all up on you and wanting your attention in
(22:25):
the beginning, you realize this person might have an anxious attachment.
You now know what that means. At the same time,
if you meet someone who isn't available for you, you know
that that's avoidant because you're secure, and you realize, Okay,
I'm not going to chase this person. I want someone
who tells me where we stand. I want someone who
is who they say they are. Right. So let's talk
(22:47):
about the path to earned security. Number one. Notice the pattern,
name the feeling. Why does it matter? You can't change
what you don't see, So what do you do? Start
observing your reflexes in love without judgment. I don't want
you to get critical or harsh with yourself. I just
want you to be aware of where you stand. For example,
(23:11):
when someone doesn't text back, do I change fact into feeling?
When things get emotionally close, what do you usually do?
Naming your pattern puts space between you and the automatic reaction.
That's where change begins. You start becoming. You don't say
I'm avoidant, you say I have an avoidant pattern. You
(23:34):
don't say I am anxious, you say I have an
anxious pattern. Step number two is regulate before you react.
Anxious and avoidant behaviors are often nervous system responses, not
conscious choices. The next time you're triggered, I want you
to remind yourself this is because I have been triggered
(23:59):
by a past mad This is not about the current moment.
It's about the past. Let me be really conscious about
that before I react. Number three is start feeling safe
with safe people. You don't heal in isolation, You heal
in better relationships. This applies to your friends, your parents,
(24:20):
your colleagues, your family members trying to heal through having
healthier relationships. Your romantic life will heal when your relationships heal.
So what do you do? Seek out emotionally available, consistent people.
It might feel boring at first because it's safe, but
text or hang out with someone who always shows up.
(24:44):
Spend less energy chasing and more energy receiving. Let calm
connection become your new normal. This is step four. Practice
secure behaviors even if you don't feel them yet. Right
you might be thinking, JET don't feel SA, why am
I practicing it well, because if you practice it, you'll
actually get used to it. We're trying to get you
(25:05):
to rewire your brain. Behavior rewires belief. Say that again,
behavior rewires belief. Start acting like a securely attached person would.
For example, communicate directly, Hey, I felt a little off
after our convo. Can we talk? Set boundaries without apology?
(25:27):
Give people a chance to show you there safe before
deciding they're not. You don't have to feel one hundred
percent secure to act one percent more secure. Right, let
me say that again. You don't have to feel one
hundred percent secure to act one percent more secure. And
the fifth and final step is reparent yourself. A lot
(25:51):
of insecure attachment comes from unmet needs in childhood. Meet
those needs for yourself. When you feel un loved or anxious,
say it's okay, I've got me. If you wanted validation
from someone else, give it to yourself. If you wanted
care from someone else, give it to yourself. If you
(26:13):
wanted gifts from someone else, give it to yourself. If
you wanted a big birthday from someone else, give it
to yourself. That becomes your anchor. That's how you build
internal safety. I want you to remember this. You're not broken,
You're just patterned, and patterns can change one pause, one choice,
(26:36):
one safe connection at a time. Thank you so much
for listening to today. I hope you'll share this episode
with someone else who's struggling, maybe someone who's single right now,
someone who's recently broken up. This episode could save you
months of your life, maybe even years. Thanks for listening.
Remember I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.
(27:00):
If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my
conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens up on how
to stay with your partner when they're changing, and the
four check ins you should be doing in your relationship.
We also talk about how to deal with relationships when
they're undistressed. If you're going through something right now with
(27:20):
your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode
for you.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new
technology and we've just taken it in hookline and Sinker,
and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll
just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's
never sleeping
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward Slash Tour and get
yours today. You're not being held back from finding real
(00:48):
love because of who you're going out with. You're being
held back by people you already went out with. And
how crazy is it to think that your ex is
still in control of your life, Your ex is still
impacting your life. I know none of us want to
be in that situation.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
The number one health and well inness podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Jay Setti, Jay Shetty, Everyone, Welcome back to On Purpose.
My name's Jay Shetty and I'm so grateful to welcome
you back. This is the place you come to listen,
learn and grow. Thank you for your commitment, Thank you
for your time, Thank you for your energy. I appreciate
(01:28):
it so so deeply. Now, today's episode is all about
how past relationships shape your dating future. How many of
you have ever found yourself saying why do I keep
attracting the same kind of people? Why do I keep
attracting the same kind of person? Or why am I
(01:52):
so guarded when things start to go well? Or why
am I always the one who's chasing someone? If you've
ever are any of those questions, this episode is for you.
We're diving deep into the psychology of how your past relationships,
loves and losses are still influencing who you choose, how
(02:14):
you love, and what you fear. And most importantly, we're
talking about how to break the cycle. I think so
many of us feel like we're always repeating patterns. We
keep making the same mistakes, we keep bumping into the
same types of people, and we don't realize what's going on.
(02:34):
And sometimes we may pause and think, well, maybe something's
wrong with me, But that doesn't solve the problem either, Right,
we keep repeating patterns. We keep finding the same people,
we keep being attracted to the same types of people,
We keep having our heart broken in the exact same way.
What is going on. Let's get into it. The first
(02:58):
thing I want to do is talk to you about
the truth about your relationship history. Here's a really interesting
thing to think about. According to the Journal of Social
and Personal Relationships, people tend to recreate familiar emotional patterns
in new relationships, even if those patterns were painful. Why
(03:19):
Because familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. Think about
that moment. Familiar equals safe, even if it's unhealthy. If
the mind feels something feels familiar, something feels like home,
something feels consistent, we see it as safe even though
it's not healthy. And the fascinating thing about this is
(03:43):
sometimes it's repeating the patterns of our parents. If your
home was always a place of anxiety, you now feel
at home in places of anxiety. If at home you
had to constantly try to get your parents' attention, you
now feel it's familiar. In dating when you're trying to
get someone's attention. If you were always over loved at home,
(04:07):
you now feel familiar when you're over loved, even if
that person's love bombing you. It's really fascinating how our
first loves, our parents are the first people to truly
love us, the first person we ever dated, the first
person we had a crush on. All of this becomes
our relationship history, and whatever that relationship history looks like
(04:30):
becomes what we yearn for. I describe this in my
book Eight Rules of Love as the gifts and gaps.
We try to repeat the gifts that our parents gave us,
and we try to fill the gaps that our parents
left By the people we choose. Everything is wired from
(04:51):
the past, and therefore, if you really want to move forward,
if you really want to make progress, we have to
start by looking back. Now. This idea is called repetition compulsion,
a term coined by Freud. It means we unconsciously repeat
relationship dynamics from our past, hoping to fix them this
(05:14):
time round. This is the part that I find so interesting.
Not only do we pick things that feel familiar, we
feel this time's the exception. This time we're going to
solve it. This time we're going to figure it out.
I'm going to date someone who's emotionally unavailable, but this
time I'm going to be able to change them. I'm
(05:35):
going to date someone who's emotionally immature, but this time
they're going to become more immature. I'm going to date
someone who disrespects me, but they're going to learn to
respect me. This is how we unconsciously repeat relationship dynamics
from our past, hoping to fix them this time round. Oh,
(06:00):
if your X was emotionally unavailable and you now find
yourself drawn to someone who gives mixed signals, that's not
a coincidence. That's your brain saying this feels like home.
This feels like home. So I want to clarify something here.
It's not because we enjoy the pain. It's because our
(06:22):
brain feels safe and is still trying to solve it.
Maybe if I live it again this time, I can
get it right and real life. And here are some
more real life examples. You had an emotionally unavailable parent,
and now you keep falling for partners who are hot
(06:43):
and cold, distant, or avoidant. You were constantly criticized growing up,
and now you seek validation from people who hold back
their approval. Your first love cheated or betrayed you, and
now you feel hyper vigilant or drawn to people who
triggered that insecurity. It's not just bad luck, it's your
(07:05):
nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to
survive this. This literally is blowing my mind as I'm
saying it. Think about that for a second. We often say, oh,
it's just bad luck. I just have bad luck in dating.
It just keeps going wrong for me. And what ends
up happening is not only are we stuck in a cycle,
(07:25):
we now start saying harsh, critical things to ourselves. But
the reality is, it's not just bad luck. It's your
nervous system saying this feels familiar. I know how to
survive this. We keep moving in the direction of things
we think we can survive, rather than the discomfort of
(07:47):
something we're not used to, even if it's better for us.
It's almost like saying, when you're trying to change what
you're eating or you're trying to go to the gym,
we all know going to the gym is better for us,
but it's uncomfortable to choose it. We'd rather stay in
bed because it feels safe, even though it's not healthy.
Your brain does this because it's wired to seek what's familiar.
(08:10):
Unresolved trauma doesn't just sit quietly in your memory. It
repeats itself in your choices, relationships, and emotional reactions. Repetition
compulsion is your subconscious trying to rewrite the story to
finally win the love, approval, or safety you didn't get
(08:31):
the first time. But here's the twist. You can't heal
by reliving the wound. You heal by choosing differently. The
moment you recognize your patterns, you interrupt the cycle. It
might look like, Wow, I'm actually not in love. I'm
just trying to earn the love I never got. You
(08:54):
might hear it as this isn't chemistry. This is a
wound dressed up as a t This person reminds me
of someone who hurt me, not someone who can love me.
That awareness is where the healing begins, right That's where
it really begins. I hope this is hitting you as
hard as it hitting for me. Right now, and get this.
(09:17):
A University of Demo study found that emotional baggage from
previous relationships is one of the top predictors of dissatisfaction
in new ones. So yeah, your past is in the room,
even when your ex isn't. So what do we do
about this? So the five signs your past relationship might
(09:40):
still be in the driving seat. Number one, you're hyper
independent or emotionally walled off. Now, independence is great. It's
when we're emotionally walled off that our independence is no
longer independence. It's actually isolation. Right. It's not that you
feel comfortable on your own, it's that you only feel
(10:03):
good on your own. Right. There's a difference between liking
your company and enjoying your company and only wanting to
be alone because you're scared of connection. The second sign
that your past relationship might still be holding the wheel
is you panic when someone gets too close or too distant.
(10:26):
Have you noticed tell When someone gets close, we start
to go, oh, yeah, I'm not sure this is working out.
I'm not really sure about this. Oh maybe they weren't right.
You now start to see all the red flags. All
of a sudden, you're convinced that this person's not great
for you. We also get panicky when someone gets too distant.
If someone says, hey, I'm going away for the week,
(10:46):
all of a sudden, we're wondering why they haven't messaged us.
Immediately right. If someone says, hey, I'm going away for
three days, we're like, oh, do you have to go? Right?
And that's just triggering something from the past. You may
not even like this person and that much. You may
not even have that depth of connection with them, and
they may be thinking, wait a minute, why are you
going to miss me so much? We've only been dating
(11:07):
for a month, and all of a sudden you start
to recognize and I'm sure you can see how it
all comes from previous abandonment, previous isolation, previous disconnection. Number three,
We've talked about this. You're drawn to the same kind
of emotionally unavailable partners. Number four, you sabotage healthy connections
(11:28):
because they feel too easy. This is what self sabotage
really is. Self sabotage is you ending something before someone
else ends it. You'd rather be the one to claim
the failure than live with someone else rejecting you. You'd
rather be the one to say, hey, this is too simple,
(11:52):
it's too easy. There must be something wrong with it.
This is too good to be true. And number five,
you confuse intensity with intimacy. So many of us things
if things are intense up and down drama. You know
all of the chaos, that that's intimacy, that that means
that we're in love, that means that we have connection.
(12:14):
But the truth is just that's just the connection you
saw being mirrored for such a long time. This is
why it's so important for us to understand the attachment styles.
First of all, I want to introduce you to the
idea or reintroduce you to the idea of attachment styles.
Something you may or may not have come across. An
(12:34):
attachment style is basically your relationship blueprint. It's how you connect,
how you handle closeness, and how you react to emotional
stress in love. I always say to people you will
know the strength of a relationship not by how you
deal with the good times, but how you deal with
the stressful times. How your partner or potential partner deals
(12:59):
with a fight, disagreement, or argument is more telling than
how they deal with a date or an anniversary. How
they deal with things going wrong is more important than
how they deal with everything going right. It's one of
the reasons why we all go through the honeymoon phase.
And so how you react to emotional stress in love
(13:24):
is so important and it's usually shaped by childhood based
on how safe or secure your early relationships work. So
there are three main types of attachment style. But this
is so important because it basically shows how you latch
onto people, how you connect with people, how you feel
(13:44):
when they're not giving you attention, not giving you presents,
when you're not feeling any affection, and you can clearly
spot how you make those mistakes and how you don't
want to make them again. That's my goal with this episode.
My genuine goal with this episode is I don't want
you to keep making the same mistakes. I don't want
(14:04):
you to keep dating the same person just with a
different name and a different face and a different hairstyle.
I want you to outgrow your trauma. I want you
to outgrow your weaker attachment styles. I want you to
outgrow the effects of your previous relationships that are holding
(14:25):
you back from finding real love. You're not being held
back from finding real love because of who you're going
out with. You're being held back by people you already
went out with. And how crazy is it to think
that your ex is still in control of your life,
your ex is still impacting your life. I know none
of us want to be in that situation, I couldn't
(14:47):
be more excited to share something truly special with all
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sure you use the code on purpose. So the first
(16:14):
attachment style is secure attachment. You're comfortable with closeness and independence.
You communicate well, trust easily, and bounce back from conflict.
Love feels safe, not scary. You might be secure if
you don't play games, don't fear being abandoned, and you're
(16:34):
okay being alone or in love now. This, of course
is rare, challenging, but we all want to be there.
Second is anxious attachment, something a lot of us experience.
You crave closeness, but often fear it's going to be
taken away. So you want to be close, you actually
want to be connected, but there's always this insecurity, this
(16:58):
hidden fear, this feeling that's niggling away at you, making
you feel like it's going to be taken away. At
any moment. It could all be taken away. You might
overthink texts, read between the lines, or need lots of reassurance.
How many times have you met someone who keeps checking
in with you to say, Hey, does everything feel good? Hey?
(17:20):
Does this make sense? Hey? Is this okay? Hey? Are
we on the right path? And you might be wondering
what is going on here? I just told them I
love them. I just told them that I was okay.
Or maybe you've seen in yourself, maybe you were that
person who keeps wanting to be reassured that you're doing
the right thing, you're doing a good job, that they're happy,
(17:40):
and you keep checking out You're happy, is everything okay?
And they're like, wait a minute, I just literally took
a breath, like what changed? Right? And this is something
we can all relate to. We overthink texts. We make
things mean what they don't mean right. Don't give meaning
to something that doesn't have a meaning. Don't make up
(18:03):
a story about something that is just information. We're really
good at taking information and turning it into a story.
Don't take a fact and turn it into a feeling.
The fact is they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. Now,
(18:24):
your feeling is saying they didn't message me back because
they didn't like my message. I must have said something wrong.
I must have come on too strong. I might be
pushing them away. Oh my gosh, I did this before.
You're now attaching a feeling to a fact. The fact
is just they haven't messaged back for thirty minutes. There's
(18:45):
no reason, there's no information, there's no data, there's no insight.
But you're now creating a story around that event. Don't
make every event into a story. Don't make every retext
into a story. Don't make every fact become a feeling
(19:06):
without knowing what it is. You might have an anxious
attachment if you feel like you're always too much or
always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Those are
two good signs that you know you have an anxious
attachment style. And by the way, none of these make
you weak. None of these make you wrong, none of
these make you bad. We all have one of these,
(19:29):
but we can all try to work towards having more
secure attachment. That's the goal, that's what we want to do.
We want to work towards having more secure attachment and
move away from anxious attachment. Now, the third one is
the avoidant attachment. You value independence a lot, sometimes too much.
(19:53):
You might push people away, get overwhelmed by emotional needs
or shut down when things get real. Now, you might
be avoidant if you've said things like I'm just not
good at relationships or I don't want to rely on anyone.
I actually got like this when I left the monastery.
There was a big part of me that felt I
don't need a relationship to be happy. I'm happy by myself.
(20:14):
And I'd say things like that, and I realize it
was really just me having developed an avoidant attachment, and
that wasn't healthy either, because you can lose out on
something that's beautiful for you, you can push someone away
who wants to be close. And what's really interesting here
is what ends up happening is that anxious attachment people
(20:35):
end up meeting avoidant attachment people. Now, if you've got
an anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment, that can be
a recipe for disaster, because the anxious person's constantly checking
in saying, hey, it's everything, okay, are you happy? Are
we going in the right direction? And the avoidant person's like,
you're getting too close, you're too much, you're being too clingy. Right,
(20:55):
You can notice and you can probably relate to how
that's happened in your life, which is why there's an
even greater need for us all to move into secure now.
If a secure person is with someone with an anxious attachment,
they can remind them, they can be reassuring, They can
help them feel safe if the anxious person is aware
(21:16):
and wants to upgrade and move forward. If a secure
attachment is with an avoidant, they can potentially get that
person to be more open, to be more communicative if
the avoidant person is aware of their attachment style. We
have to pay attention to our patterns, not just our
past partner's patterns. Your attachment style isn't about them, It's
(21:41):
about your emotional reflexes. Yes, you can change your attachment style.
It's called earned security, and it happens when you rewire
old patterns through small, consistent shifts in how you relate
to yourself and others. The best thing you can do
is moved towards secure attachment. Because you can't control whether
(22:05):
someone is anxious or avoidant, but you can be secure,
and when you're secure, you will be able to see.
You'll actually be able to be better able to tell
whether someone else is secure because you know what that
looks like. You know what it sounds like, you know
what it feels like. So when you meet someone who's
loving all up on you and wanting your attention in
(22:25):
the beginning, you realize this person might have an anxious attachment.
You now know what that means. At the same time,
if you meet someone who isn't available for you, you know
that that's avoidant because you're secure, and you realize, Okay,
I'm not going to chase this person. I want someone
who tells me where we stand. I want someone who
is who they say they are. Right. So let's talk
(22:47):
about the path to earned security. Number one. Notice the pattern,
name the feeling. Why does it matter? You can't change
what you don't see, So what do you do? Start
observing your reflexes in love without judgment. I don't want
you to get critical or harsh with yourself. I just
want you to be aware of where you stand. For example,
(23:11):
when someone doesn't text back, do I change fact into feeling?
When things get emotionally close, what do you usually do?
Naming your pattern puts space between you and the automatic reaction.
That's where change begins. You start becoming. You don't say
I'm avoidant, you say I have an avoidant pattern. You
(23:34):
don't say I am anxious, you say I have an
anxious pattern. Step number two is regulate before you react.
Anxious and avoidant behaviors are often nervous system responses, not
conscious choices. The next time you're triggered, I want you
to remind yourself this is because I have been triggered
(23:59):
by a past mad This is not about the current moment.
It's about the past. Let me be really conscious about
that before I react. Number three is start feeling safe
with safe people. You don't heal in isolation, You heal
in better relationships. This applies to your friends, your parents,
(24:20):
your colleagues, your family members trying to heal through having
healthier relationships. Your romantic life will heal when your relationships heal.
So what do you do? Seek out emotionally available, consistent people.
It might feel boring at first because it's safe, but
text or hang out with someone who always shows up.
(24:44):
Spend less energy chasing and more energy receiving. Let calm
connection become your new normal. This is step four. Practice
secure behaviors even if you don't feel them yet. Right
you might be thinking, JET don't feel SA, why am
I practicing it well, because if you practice it, you'll
actually get used to it. We're trying to get you
(25:05):
to rewire your brain. Behavior rewires belief. Say that again,
behavior rewires belief. Start acting like a securely attached person would.
For example, communicate directly, Hey, I felt a little off
after our convo. Can we talk? Set boundaries without apology?
(25:27):
Give people a chance to show you there safe before
deciding they're not. You don't have to feel one hundred
percent secure to act one percent more secure. Right, let
me say that again. You don't have to feel one
hundred percent secure to act one percent more secure. And
the fifth and final step is reparent yourself. A lot
(25:51):
of insecure attachment comes from unmet needs in childhood. Meet
those needs for yourself. When you feel un loved or anxious,
say it's okay, I've got me. If you wanted validation
from someone else, give it to yourself. If you wanted
care from someone else, give it to yourself. If you
(26:13):
wanted gifts from someone else, give it to yourself. If
you wanted a big birthday from someone else, give it
to yourself. That becomes your anchor. That's how you build
internal safety. I want you to remember this. You're not broken,
You're just patterned, and patterns can change one pause, one choice,
(26:36):
one safe connection at a time. Thank you so much
for listening to today. I hope you'll share this episode
with someone else who's struggling, maybe someone who's single right now,
someone who's recently broken up. This episode could save you
months of your life, maybe even years. Thanks for listening.
Remember I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.
(27:00):
If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my
conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens up on how
to stay with your partner when they're changing, and the
four check ins you should be doing in your relationship.
We also talk about how to deal with relationships when
they're undistressed. If you're going through something right now with
(27:20):
your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode
for you.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new
technology and we've just taken it in hookline and Sinker,
and we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll
just be thumbing through this stuff. You know, their mind's
never sleeping
Host
Jay Shetty
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