What do you think is the biggest dating mistake people make?
Have you ever chased someone who wasn’t right for you?
Today, in this special compilation episode, we explore all things love - how people navigate it, where they go wrong, and how they can cultivate deeper, more meaningful connections. Through a collection of thought-provoking conversations, Jay Shetty and his guests offer insight and practical advice to help listeners build healthier relationships.
Each guest shares their unique approach to manifesting genuine love, highlighting the importance of being present in relationships, breaking free from unhealthy patterns, and shifting focus from seeking external validation to building self-worth. Heartbreak is reframed as a powerful opportunity for growth, with the reminder that love is not something to chase, but something to nurture within, allowing the right connections to come naturally.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Know if Someone Is Wasting Your Time
How to Do the Work to Prepare for a Relationship
How to Get Out of the Cycle of Seeking External Validation
How to Reframe Settling as a Positive Choice in Love
How to Turn Pain into a Source of Growth and Learning
The path to finding love is not easy, but every step matters. By learning from your past, committing to personal growth, and approaching love with an open heart, you create the space for deeper, more fulfilling connections.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty.
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:45 How to Know if Someone is Wasting Your Time
03:29 Is It Real Connection or Just Chemistry?
06:26 Am I Behind in Love?
08:59 Why Is Developing Self Awareness Difficult?
13:19 How to Attract the Right Relationship
15:55 How to Manifest Love
17:56 Have You Found the Right Person?
24:43 Letting Go Might Be an Answer
28:58 How to Love Fully Without Losing Yourself
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
These are the nine things you need to know about love.
The Number one health and Wellness podcast Jay Sety Jay
Sety s Hey everyone, thanks so much for tuning back
into on Purpose. I appreciate it so much. Today we're
diving into one of the most important topics in all
(00:21):
of our lives love and love isn't just about romantic relationships.
It's about understanding ourselves, building meaningful connections, and growing into
the best versions of who we are. So in this
special compilation episode, I've gathered wisdom from some of the
best minds out there to help you navigate love with
(00:42):
more clarity, confidence, and purpose. Number One, how do we
know if someone is wasting our time, whether it's a
relationship that feels stagnant or a connection that just doesn't
seem to be going anywhere. We need to recognize the
signs to break it down. For us, we have Stefan Speaks,
(01:03):
relationship coach, speaker, and best selling author. He's helped millions
navigate love with honesty and self awareness. Let's hear what
he has to say.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So to me again, I think it always starts withself,
and you have to be honest with yourself about why
are you still here, why are you holding on what's
really driving you? Because, just using an example, let's say
you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding
onto his guys because he's a nice guy. You don't
feel like starting the process over with somebody else. So
(01:34):
even though you're not feeling it with him, you figure,
let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time.
This is where you're setting yourself up a disaster every
single time. So if it's not born out of a
true connection love, a genuine desire, you really like this individual.
Of course, there's always things we have to work through,
but is the foundation strong enough for us to say, okay,
(01:57):
we can make something special here? And I think once
we are honest with ourselves, that kind of helps answer
the question. Because sometimes we get so caught up trying
to analyze the other individual that it's like we get
in our heads and now we're missing the mark on
what's really important here, and we can't always say for
sure what's going on with them. I will say that
(02:19):
in general, if this person isn't willing to talk about things,
they're wasting your time. If they're not willing to address
or correct things that have been talked about they're wasting
your time if you guys aren't on the same page
about what you want and where you want to go
in life, wasting time. So there are some things I
think we can just look at and say, listen, this
is pointless here. But a lot of times, and I
(02:40):
have to say this, especially for women, women's intuition is
extremely powerful.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
I'm a huge believer in it, and.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
I feel like women know very early this isn't it,
but they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this
man a chance. And this again, is a waste of
time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people will
turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of
dating into years of being married to someone they were
(03:07):
not happy with, all because they did not listen to
themselves from the beginning. They knew what it was, but
they just could not accept it for what it was.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I mean, I love that it's such an important reminder
trust your intuition and be honest with yourself. Sometimes we
overanalyze the other person instead of checking in with our
own feelings. Now, let's go even deeper. Number two, How
do we know if what we're feeling is true? Connection?
(03:36):
Or just chemistry. Stefan explains the difference.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Are you even being yourself or can you be yourself
with this individual? If you're presenting your representative, then this
is not a real connection. This is them falling for
that person that you're presenting. But that's not real. So
to me, you should be already being yourself. But with
that person you have a connection with, it's a more
natural flow. We don't have to force it. We just
(04:03):
feel so much more comfortable around them.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I think.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
In addition to that is when you when you find
yourself all caught up in the moment and caught up
in that chemistry again, you have to ask yourself, what
am I really attaching myself to? What do I really
like about this individual? What I find is that when
it's really about chemistry, we're still on the surface. You
don't really know about them yet. You just know you
(04:28):
guys had a good time. Maybe you had fun at
this event. You guys were able to talk about a
lot of different things, which is great, which is gonna
also be important if there is a connection. However, do
you even know what kind relationship they want? Do you
know kind of life they want to live? You know,
are you guys really on the same page. I think
connection is our paths align, our purposes aligned. So for
(04:52):
us to align, we have to have a deeper understanding
of where we're headed and can we head there together.
So that's why I think though you may feel it,
or you may feel like you're feeling it, you have
to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find
out Okay, it's just just I got caught up on
the surface, or there is something real here. And I
think once we ask enough questions, because I think that's
(05:14):
the other big problem.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
We have this.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Experience where we feel this chemistry, we're so excited, and
now we're afraid to ask questions because we don't want
to blow up the fantasy. Yes, you know what I'm saying.
It's like, no, no, I want to keep believing this is great.
So let me not ask anything, let me not run
this personal way, let me not rock the boat. But
that's gonna be what tells us if this is real
or not.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
I think for so many people, you set unrealistic expectations
and who you are yes, and that's hard to come
back from.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Absolutely, And that's why it's so important for us to
know who we are so that we can present the
real from the jump, you know, because again, a lot
of times people you know this idea that we're always changing. Yes,
I do think we're always evolving, but some of the
big shifts that you see is not because that's just
the way life is. Is because you did take the
(06:02):
time to figure yourself out first, and then you got
with this person and now you want them to adjust. Now,
thank god for you, she was able to adjust. But
there's a lot of people that they can't handle that,
and now everything falls apart from there. And so that's why, Yeah,
we have to be very careful with what we're presenting
from the beginning.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
That's pure gold. Chemistry can feel intense, but it doesn't
always mean long term compatibility. Now, let's shift gears number three.
Maybe you're single and wondering am I behind? If you've
ever felt that way, this next guest is for you.
Lorie Gottlieb is a psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should
(06:41):
Talk to Someone, and the relationship expert who's here to
remind us why being single at twenty eight or any
age is not a bad thing.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
You are exactly where you need to be if you
are doing the work. If you're not doing the work,
you're going to be behind. And what I mean by
doing the work work is if you are not in
a place where you want to be with a relationship,
you have to understand why. So are you examining what
has not worked yet? Why if I am single and
(07:11):
I don't want to be single, what can I be
doing differently? And so I think that's the important work.
So you're not behind it all. In fact, you're probably
ahead of people who are in relationships who have not
done the work and maybe aren't in the right relationship
or are in a relationship that's not going to last
or isn't going well.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Why is it that we struggle to actually do the work?
What does that look like?
Speaker 4 (07:32):
I think it's so much easier when we talk to
our friends, and you know, I've talked about the difference
between idiot compassion and why is compassion before idiot compassion
is you say to your friend, look what happened on
this date, or look what happened with this person, and
they say.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Yeah, you're right, they're wrong, and.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
We never learn or grow from that right because yes,
there might be something that the other person did, but
also what was your role in that interaction? A relationship
is all about relating, So what was your role in
the dance that you're doing with this person? And what
you get in therapy is you get wise compassion where
we hold up a mirror to you and we help
(08:08):
you to see something about you, know what your role is,
maybe something you haven't been willing or able to see.
But that's so important, So you don't repeat these situations
where you're in this pattern. And then you wonder, why
do I keep ending up with a person who doesn't
listen to me, or a person where I don't feel seen,
or where I can't be myself, or where we have
(08:29):
a lot of volatility, or where this person's really avoidant?
Why am I always with people who avoid or what
makes me avoid? And I don't talk to the person
about what I want or what I need. So that's
the work that's really important. So you're not behind if
you're single at twenty eight, it's part of the process.
If you're doing the work, you're much closer than you've
ever been to finding the person that you want to
(08:50):
be with.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
I love that perspective. It's not about timelines, it's about
doing the work, But why do we resist the work?
Number four? Why is self awareness so hard? Laurie's got
some powerful insights on how understanding all patterns can help
us build better relationships.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
We have this saying we marry our unfinished business. We
date our unfinished business too. So if you, let's say,
earlier in your life, you are around someone who was neglectful,
somebody who drank too much, somebody who lost their temper,
somebody who wasn't honest, somebody who wasn't reliable. We think
when we're dating as adults, like I want the opposite
(09:31):
of that. I want someone where I feel safe, secure,
there's trust. But what happens is unconsciously. Again, if we
haven't done the work our unfinished business, we actually are unconsciousness.
Oh you look familiar. Come closer. So on the surface,
they don't look like that person. But then when you
get to know them, you're a month in, you're three
months in, you're six months in, you think, wow, that
(09:53):
person reminds me of someone. This person feels so familiar,
and that's why I was drawn to this person. It
turns out this person is very much like what I
grew up with, is very much like the person who
hurt me growing up? So if you do the work,
you're able to see, oh that person, I see why
I'm drawn to them, but I'm not drawn to them
(10:14):
a healthy way. And then if you do even more work,
you're not even drawn to those people anymore. Now you're
drawn to healthy people, stable people, flexible people, emotionally generous people,
people whose values align with yours. That's who you're drawn to.
So you have to do the work.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person?
Is there a collective collaborative future tripping?
Speaker 5 (10:37):
Like?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
What does that look like?
Speaker 4 (10:38):
I think the future tripping is being in the present,
And what I mean is what's happening now is what
is going to look like in the future. So instead
of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way,
or we're going to have this kind of life, but
you don't know if the other person wants that kind
of life. If you're not talking about it now in
the present, you don't know how does this person treat me?
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Now?
Speaker 4 (10:59):
What is it like when we together? The biggest indicator
would be we had a disagreement. How did we get
through it? That's what your future is going to look like.
We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other.
We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair
that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair.
Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your
(11:21):
family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents,
with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we
have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture
with them because we're so in love and we see
each other and we see eye to eye. But of
course you're going to have ruptures. It's not so much
whether you're going to have a rupture, it's what do
you do with it and what does it look like.
(11:41):
So if you have been dating for let's say six months,
and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not
going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough.
You're still on your best behavior. You have to be
able to be yourselves. That's going to tell you what
the future looks like. So stop the pretending. Be yourself,
Be what you want your future to look like, Act
like you want your future to look like. See how
(12:03):
the other person acts, and see what happens between the
two of you and a repair would look like something like, oh,
I didn't you know we're having a disagreement right now,
Why don't we take fifteen minutes and let's come back
when we're not so heated and let's talk about that.
Or you know, you made a mistake. You know what
I've been thinking about this. You know, say you have
(12:25):
an argument, you say, we're not going to talk for
a few minutes, let's go cool off.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Whatever.
Speaker 4 (12:31):
You call them back and you say, you know what
I thought about it. I was wrong and I'm so sorry.
Here's what I did, and I wish I had done
it this way. And that's great if your partner can
do that, or if you can do that right, and
then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you,
if your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and
I wish that I had reacted differently in this way,
(12:53):
and how can I be more supportive in those moments.
That's beautiful, that's your future, but you have to see
it in the present. You can't imagine what the future
is going to be. You have to actually live it
in the present and say, oh, now I know it's
going to be just like it is right now.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Now that's a wake up call. Sometimes doing the work
means facing things we'd rather avoid, but that's the only
way to grow. Number five, What if we keep attracting
the same type of relationships over and over? Doctor Joe Despenser, neuroscientist, researcher,
and expert on rewiring the brain, explains how we can
(13:32):
break free from those cycles and attract relationships that truly
align with us.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Typically, it usually takes a crisis or a disease, or
a diagnosis, or a trauma, or a loss or a
betrayal for a person to really decide is this really
who I want to continue to be? So my message
is why wait for that right? So, there's nothing wrong
with saying I want to be in a relationship. I
(14:01):
want the following things in a relationship from this person
or what might be my ideal relationship. I think people
have an image in their mind of what they like,
or what their type is, or whatever they I don't
think there's anything wrong with that. But I think what
people are really looking for is connection and joy. Like
(14:25):
people should be in a relationship. The reason they should
be in a relationship is to be overjoyed, to be
with a person that you're with, right, you want joy
in your life. For me, it would make sense then
if the person got very clear on what they wanted,
then they should start on the journey to become that
very person. They should really work on being that very
(14:46):
person that they want. So there would have to be
some change that they would have to make in order
to be worthy enough to create a person that they
would attract in their life. And we cannot attract to
anything in our life that we feel separate from Trusting
in a future that you can't see your experience, you
(15:07):
have to lay down the very thing you use your
whole life to get what you want to trust that
something greater could happen. And that's not something that's very easy.
So I like the idea that it wouldn't happen on
a date that was from an app. It could happen
in a bank, It could happen at a seminar, it
(15:28):
could happen in the grocery store, you know, in a
way that you least expect, right, And I think that
when we get to a point where we're so happy
with ourselves, we're no longer looking because we feel like
we already have it. I think that's the state where
people attract an.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Equal become the person you want to attract. When we
focus on our own growth, the right relationships naturally follow
number six. What about manifesting lot? How do we stop
chasing and start aligning? Josha is why joy and presence
are the key to attracting the right partner.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
We're conditioned in a way to like, Okay, I need
something out there. I need the experience to proof, I
need the event to occur, and the end product of
that event or experience is called an emotion. The emotion
takes away the lack or separation from not having it,
so or waiting for the event to occur to take
away the feeling of separation or lack. And actually that's
(16:31):
not the healthiest way to create. And actually we should
feel the emotion of the experience before it happens, so
that if you're feeling the emotion of that future before
it happens, truly feeling it, you wouldn't be looking for it.
You would only be looking for it when you felt
separate from it. Right, So can you maintain that state?
(16:52):
Because the only way you're going to believe in that
future is you have to feel the emotion associated with it.
The moment you feel the lack and the separation, you're
going to believe in the past. And there's a story
that goes along with the past that has everything to
do with the dating is hard, or finding a person
or whatever. That is the story that we tell ourselves
(17:13):
that we actually accept, believe, and surrender to is if
it's the truth. Right. So that's exactly what programs the
subconscious mind into a belief. Right, So the default is
so seamless to lose that vision or that belief in
(17:33):
the future. The moment we start feeling the emotions of
lack or survival in the past, right, that's the moment
we can't see that future any longer because we would
be looking at that future through the lens of the past,
and we would doubt that that future could actually exist.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
That really resonated with me, the idea that we're not searching,
we're aligning. It's a whole new way to look at
love number seven. Once we find someone often and overthink
it is this the one? Is there someone better out there?
That's where Matthew Us, the Relationship Coach, a New York
Times best selling author, comes in He's been coaching people
(18:11):
for years on how to make love work without the
mind games.
Speaker 6 (18:15):
Sometimes we're wanting something else because there's you know, the
person that's in front of us isn't compelling enough. There
really is something lacking in that relationship. But I do
think we have to ask ourselves, what what are the
things that I really must have for an amazing relationship.
I'm not a you know, there's the one out there
(18:39):
kind of a person. I've never been that way if
you look anyone looks back through my videos, and you
know this because we've spoken about it back when I
was single. You know, I've never been a person who
believes in the idea of the one. So I think
that it's finding someone that we've you know, we look
at what's really important to us, not what's important on
(19:02):
an egoic level, because I think a lot of the
things that make us question whether this person is right
for us are ego based. I don't think they're based
on how we feel around this person. We worry is
this the kind of person my friends think that I
should be with. Do they look the part, are they
my normal type?
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Do they make the right amount of money?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (19:24):
Like, has this person come in the package that I
had always told myself they would come in. And those
things can be really, really limiting, and they can have
us like constantly trying to optimize for some version of
something that we think we're supposed to be with, which
is a very dangerous way to go about finding love.
(19:46):
You can't optimize for human beings. You can optimize for
a lot in life, but you're dealing with people. And
by the way, even if you let go of this person,
you're going to find someone else who's also imperfect. And
they might, Okay, this person is you know, scores a
seven in this area and they score a nine, But
(20:06):
guess what, they score a three in this other area
that you didn't even know was great in this relationship
because you took for granted how amazing that person was.
In that way, Like, it's very dangerous to optimize in
that way in our love life. And I've come to
really believe in life that if you find a connection
(20:28):
that has all the right raw materials and you both
have the same level of commitment, then you can build
something extraordinary together. And actually the extraordinary is the thing
you sculpt together. It's no different from a career when
we think of what's like, what are we worried about
in our love life? For so many of us, it's
(20:49):
that we're going to settle. Yes, I'm going to settle
for the wrong person. Well, I think we can actually
start to reclaim the language of settling and make it
into a very positive thing. What if it wasn't settling
for What if you decided to settle on Because when
you settle on someone, there's a power to that. It's
(21:12):
like you resolve to say, I'm going to settle on this.
I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten
from the pain that I didn't choose has been no
less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain
I did choose. In fact, actually I think the most
valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose.
And when you realize that, you can kind of almost
(21:35):
I think, look at some of the worst moments of
your life as like a menu of pain, and beside them,
I am on the menu is the very specific, unique
benefits that can only come from this kind of pain,
And you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like retroactively
(21:56):
choosing that pain, which is a very valuable thing to do,
because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment
on rats where one rat was on a wheel and
was just given, you know, like the free reign to
just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat,
(22:17):
this was Rat A. Rap B was connected to that wheel.
He was on another wheel that was connected to Rat
A's wheel, and any time Rat A chose to run,
rap B had to run, right, So both doing the
same amount of exercising. But at the end of the experiment,
(22:38):
rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and
rap B shows all the negative.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
Markers of stress.
Speaker 6 (22:44):
Oh wow, same amount of exercise was the difference. Well,
rat A chose to run, rap B didn't. Anyone who
doesn't choose you cannot be for you. They if they
don't see you, Like, what is a relationship. It's someone
sees you, they accept you, and they want that. That's
(23:07):
that's the most beautiful part of a relationship. So if
someone doesn't see you and accept you and want what
they see, then this relationship is missing the most beautiful
part of any relationship.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
It shouldn't even.
Speaker 6 (23:20):
Be you know, it shouldn't be desirable at that stage
because it's not it has failed the fundamental test of
what makes a relationship worth having. We're not talking about
a person who you know, in at least the case
I feel, we're talking about the person who was taken
from us by life. We're talking about a person who's
(23:40):
just walking around somewhere, still existing on the planet, but
choosing not to be with us. That should lose its
romance to us, you know, And to say, well, if
that's the other game we play is if it was
a different time in life, if they were a bit older,
they would have been ready to commit, If they had
(24:01):
been in a different phase where they weren't so busy
with their work, they might have had the space to
really give to this relationship. But they said their work
isn't allowing them to. If it's like, we go through
all these scenarios where it forces us into this sad
love song of right person, wrong time, and that's a
really pernicious story. That's a very dangerous story because it
(24:30):
takes what belongs in the realm of science fiction and
brings it into our reality.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
That's such a fresh take. Stop looking for perfect, start
building something real. Number eight. Sometimes love isn't about holding on,
It's about letting go, and no one explains that better
than James Cordin, comedian, talk show host, and actor. He
shares a powerful analogy about love and letting go that
(24:58):
I know will stick with you as it has with me.
Most of us are conditioned to believe when you find
something good, hold on to it forever, make sure it
lasts forever, because you never know.
Speaker 7 (25:08):
Well, then you're a kid with a balloon. Yeah right,
and you go and hold that. I'm never I'm never
ever going to let this balloon go, right, and ignoring
for this for a second, the environmental impact of letting
a balloon go. Let's talk about it just metaphorically.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
You know that.
Speaker 7 (25:25):
You go, I'm this is my balloon, and hold this bround,
never ever, ever, ever, ever going to let go of
this balloon. In fact, I'm going to go, I'm going
to tie it to my wrist so it can't disappear,
because that happened to me once before, and it you
know what i mean, I'm going to just you know,
that's it, and then slowly that balloon will just wilt
and it will run out of the thing that made
(25:46):
it great and it will just then be Then it's
tied to your wrist and you're dragging it behind you, right,
and actually there's something quite beautiful. And again, environmentally, I'm
not encouraging this. We didn't know about this when we
were kids. When you let go of a balloon, it's magical, magical.
(26:09):
And then you see it and you're like, oh my god,
I used to have that, I used to hold onto that.
Look at it now. Look it's just that's amazing. And
then you go and now I haven't got a balloon.
And then you go, h maybe I'll get another one. Yeah,
maybe there'll be another balloon, and maybe it'll be a
(26:29):
different shape, or it'll be shinier or whatever.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
It is.
Speaker 7 (26:32):
Like, you've got to be able to let go of
stuff to make new things come in. You've got to
have the space and the time to encounter something new.
A friend of mine a year ago, maybe Less, had
(26:52):
his heart broken in the most brutal circumstances. It was
his first love, first girlfriend, and they broke up and
he was just not in a good way. And this
(27:13):
was his first real proper serious girlfriend, certainly the first
time he'd been in love before. I just found myself
saying to him, I was like, this is great. This
is great because you really only understand what love is
once your heart's been broken. You understand how tender it is.
(27:38):
And I was like, and you understand it now, and
what you're looking at this all wrong? You get to
do it again. You get to do this again. You're
going to meet someone else and feel all these feelings
and perhaps you'll go into that relationship learning what you've
(27:59):
learned from this relationship and that will then feed that
relationship in a different way. And he's just met someone, right, Yeah,
and he's like, oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
And I'm like, yeah, got that balloon again.
Speaker 7 (28:14):
Yeah, Like that's it, that's it. And so again, I
think it's expectation is the thing that makes us hold
on to stuff. Yeah, if you can just ebb and
flow with stuff, you're going to find it so much
easier to take the good, the bad, and the everything
in between. It's just all being good for you.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
This next conversation is really close to my heart because
it's with someone who knows me better than anyone. My wife, Roddy.
She's not just my life partner. She's an incredible nutritionist, chef,
and advocate for conscious living. Over the years We've learned
so much about love together, what it means to grow
as individuals, whils staying deeply connected as a couple. Number nine,
(28:58):
How to love fully without losing yourself in the process.
Radi shares a wisdom on maintaining a strong sense of
self while being in a loving, supportive relationship.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
People think that time is the investment, like the amount
of time you spend with someone is what the investment is.
This person is willing to spend two hours with me,
but this person's willing to spend fifteen minutes with me.
That must mean the two hour person values me more,
loves me more, cares for me more. But what is
the quality of those two hours? What is the quality
of those fifteen minutes? Makes such a difference. And I think,
(29:30):
you know, I've just been so used to that concept
that that's what I always you know, related to this
friend or this relationship. This person wants to spend the
most amount of time with me, that must mean you know,
that person loves me more. And so I think that's
something I've really changed, because you can feel so much
more fueled from a fifteen minute interaction with someone and
(29:53):
loved with presents than you can with, you know, two
hours of someone's distracted time, and I'm that's something I'm
still working on as a person of being someone who's present.
I think it's something i've really you know, I've been
up and down with it. There are different times where
my mind can just you know, go everywhere and do
everything and not even be in the same room as
(30:13):
everybody else that I'm in the room with. But I
think it's something that I know, it's it's it's I
want to be working on and something I want to
be improving on.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
I think a lot of people love people being dependent
on that definitely because it gives them a sense of significance.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
Exactly, especially if you don't know what you're doing in
your life or if you feel like you're a bit
lost helping other people. And although that's a great thing
when you help other people, but the intention behind it
and what you're receiving from it can make a huge
difference in how you actually feel about it. So like,
if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them,
genuinely helping them, or are you helping them because it
(30:51):
fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore, like for me.
I remember, it used to be just a way that
I would throw myself into so I didn't have to
think about what I was doing in my life for
how to figure out my own things. It was just, Oh,
this is great. I need to be doing this. This
person needs my help. I need to create this space
for myself in their life because then I don't have
(31:13):
to think about all the important stuff I actually need
to deal with. So was the easier option and more
of a selfish option. But I think that's a value
that I have changed.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
I really hope that you got lots of value from that.
That's why we're doing these compilations. I want to make
things simple, seamless, and practical for you. Love isn't just
about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person.
And through all these incredible conversations, one thing is clear.
Self awareness, growth, and intention are at the heart of
(31:41):
real love. I really hope this episode gave you clarity, perspective,
and inspiration to approach love with more purpose. If something
resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs
to hear it, and pass this on to someone else.
I'll see you next time on on purpose. Hey, everyone,
if you love that conversation, go and check out my
episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she
(32:05):
answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
want to miss this conversation.
Speaker 4 (32:18):
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard
to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold
hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
These are the nine things you need to know about love.
The Number one health and Wellness podcast Jay Sety Jay
Sety s Hey everyone, thanks so much for tuning back
into on Purpose. I appreciate it so much. Today we're
diving into one of the most important topics in all
(00:21):
of our lives love and love isn't just about romantic relationships.
It's about understanding ourselves, building meaningful connections, and growing into
the best versions of who we are. So in this
special compilation episode, I've gathered wisdom from some of the
best minds out there to help you navigate love with
(00:42):
more clarity, confidence, and purpose. Number One, how do we
know if someone is wasting our time, whether it's a
relationship that feels stagnant or a connection that just doesn't
seem to be going anywhere. We need to recognize the
signs to break it down. For us, we have Stefan Speaks,
(01:03):
relationship coach, speaker, and best selling author. He's helped millions
navigate love with honesty and self awareness. Let's hear what
he has to say.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So to me again, I think it always starts withself,
and you have to be honest with yourself about why
are you still here, why are you holding on what's
really driving you? Because, just using an example, let's say
you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding
onto his guys because he's a nice guy. You don't
feel like starting the process over with somebody else. So
(01:34):
even though you're not feeling it with him, you figure,
let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time.
This is where you're setting yourself up a disaster every
single time. So if it's not born out of a
true connection love, a genuine desire, you really like this individual.
Of course, there's always things we have to work through,
but is the foundation strong enough for us to say, okay,
(01:57):
we can make something special here? And I think once
we are honest with ourselves, that kind of helps answer
the question. Because sometimes we get so caught up trying
to analyze the other individual that it's like we get
in our heads and now we're missing the mark on
what's really important here, and we can't always say for
sure what's going on with them. I will say that
(02:19):
in general, if this person isn't willing to talk about things,
they're wasting your time. If they're not willing to address
or correct things that have been talked about they're wasting
your time if you guys aren't on the same page
about what you want and where you want to go
in life, wasting time. So there are some things I
think we can just look at and say, listen, this
is pointless here. But a lot of times, and I
(02:40):
have to say this, especially for women, women's intuition is
extremely powerful.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
I'm a huge believer in it, and.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
I feel like women know very early this isn't it,
but they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this
man a chance. And this again, is a waste of
time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people will
turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of
dating into years of being married to someone they were
(03:07):
not happy with, all because they did not listen to
themselves from the beginning. They knew what it was, but
they just could not accept it for what it was.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I mean, I love that it's such an important reminder
trust your intuition and be honest with yourself. Sometimes we
overanalyze the other person instead of checking in with our
own feelings. Now, let's go even deeper. Number two, How
do we know if what we're feeling is true? Connection?
(03:36):
Or just chemistry. Stefan explains the difference.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Are you even being yourself or can you be yourself
with this individual? If you're presenting your representative, then this
is not a real connection. This is them falling for
that person that you're presenting. But that's not real. So
to me, you should be already being yourself. But with
that person you have a connection with, it's a more
natural flow. We don't have to force it. We just
(04:03):
feel so much more comfortable around them.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I think.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
In addition to that is when you when you find
yourself all caught up in the moment and caught up
in that chemistry again, you have to ask yourself, what
am I really attaching myself to? What do I really
like about this individual? What I find is that when
it's really about chemistry, we're still on the surface. You
don't really know about them yet. You just know you
(04:28):
guys had a good time. Maybe you had fun at
this event. You guys were able to talk about a
lot of different things, which is great, which is gonna
also be important if there is a connection. However, do
you even know what kind relationship they want? Do you
know kind of life they want to live? You know,
are you guys really on the same page. I think
connection is our paths align, our purposes aligned. So for
(04:52):
us to align, we have to have a deeper understanding
of where we're headed and can we head there together.
So that's why I think though you may feel it,
or you may feel like you're feeling it, you have
to do your due diligence to dig deeper to find
out Okay, it's just just I got caught up on
the surface, or there is something real here. And I
think once we ask enough questions, because I think that's
(05:14):
the other big problem.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
We have this.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Experience where we feel this chemistry, we're so excited, and
now we're afraid to ask questions because we don't want
to blow up the fantasy. Yes, you know what I'm saying.
It's like, no, no, I want to keep believing this is great.
So let me not ask anything, let me not run
this personal way, let me not rock the boat. But
that's gonna be what tells us if this is real
or not.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
I think for so many people, you set unrealistic expectations
and who you are yes, and that's hard to come
back from.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Absolutely, And that's why it's so important for us to
know who we are so that we can present the
real from the jump, you know, because again, a lot
of times people you know this idea that we're always changing. Yes,
I do think we're always evolving, but some of the
big shifts that you see is not because that's just
the way life is. Is because you did take the
(06:02):
time to figure yourself out first, and then you got
with this person and now you want them to adjust. Now,
thank god for you, she was able to adjust. But
there's a lot of people that they can't handle that,
and now everything falls apart from there. And so that's why, Yeah,
we have to be very careful with what we're presenting
from the beginning.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
That's pure gold. Chemistry can feel intense, but it doesn't
always mean long term compatibility. Now, let's shift gears number three.
Maybe you're single and wondering am I behind? If you've
ever felt that way, this next guest is for you.
Lorie Gottlieb is a psychotherapist, author of Maybe You Should
(06:41):
Talk to Someone, and the relationship expert who's here to
remind us why being single at twenty eight or any
age is not a bad thing.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
You are exactly where you need to be if you
are doing the work. If you're not doing the work,
you're going to be behind. And what I mean by
doing the work work is if you are not in
a place where you want to be with a relationship,
you have to understand why. So are you examining what
has not worked yet? Why if I am single and
(07:11):
I don't want to be single, what can I be
doing differently? And so I think that's the important work.
So you're not behind it all. In fact, you're probably
ahead of people who are in relationships who have not
done the work and maybe aren't in the right relationship
or are in a relationship that's not going to last
or isn't going well.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Why is it that we struggle to actually do the work?
What does that look like?
Speaker 4 (07:32):
I think it's so much easier when we talk to
our friends, and you know, I've talked about the difference
between idiot compassion and why is compassion before idiot compassion
is you say to your friend, look what happened on
this date, or look what happened with this person, and
they say.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Yeah, you're right, they're wrong, and.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
We never learn or grow from that right because yes,
there might be something that the other person did, but
also what was your role in that interaction? A relationship
is all about relating, So what was your role in
the dance that you're doing with this person? And what
you get in therapy is you get wise compassion where
we hold up a mirror to you and we help
(08:08):
you to see something about you, know what your role is,
maybe something you haven't been willing or able to see.
But that's so important, So you don't repeat these situations
where you're in this pattern. And then you wonder, why
do I keep ending up with a person who doesn't
listen to me, or a person where I don't feel seen,
or where I can't be myself, or where we have
(08:29):
a lot of volatility, or where this person's really avoidant?
Why am I always with people who avoid or what
makes me avoid? And I don't talk to the person
about what I want or what I need. So that's
the work that's really important. So you're not behind if
you're single at twenty eight, it's part of the process.
If you're doing the work, you're much closer than you've
ever been to finding the person that you want to
(08:50):
be with.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
I love that perspective. It's not about timelines, it's about
doing the work, But why do we resist the work?
Number four? Why is self awareness so hard? Laurie's got
some powerful insights on how understanding all patterns can help
us build better relationships.
Speaker 4 (09:09):
We have this saying we marry our unfinished business. We
date our unfinished business too. So if you, let's say,
earlier in your life, you are around someone who was neglectful,
somebody who drank too much, somebody who lost their temper,
somebody who wasn't honest, somebody who wasn't reliable. We think
when we're dating as adults, like I want the opposite
(09:31):
of that. I want someone where I feel safe, secure,
there's trust. But what happens is unconsciously. Again, if we
haven't done the work our unfinished business, we actually are unconsciousness.
Oh you look familiar. Come closer. So on the surface,
they don't look like that person. But then when you
get to know them, you're a month in, you're three
months in, you're six months in, you think, wow, that
(09:53):
person reminds me of someone. This person feels so familiar,
and that's why I was drawn to this person. It
turns out this person is very much like what I
grew up with, is very much like the person who
hurt me growing up? So if you do the work,
you're able to see, oh that person, I see why
I'm drawn to them, but I'm not drawn to them
(10:14):
a healthy way. And then if you do even more work,
you're not even drawn to those people anymore. Now you're
drawn to healthy people, stable people, flexible people, emotionally generous people,
people whose values align with yours. That's who you're drawn to.
So you have to do the work.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person?
Is there a collective collaborative future tripping?
Speaker 5 (10:37):
Like?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
What does that look like?
Speaker 4 (10:38):
I think the future tripping is being in the present,
And what I mean is what's happening now is what
is going to look like in the future. So instead
of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way,
or we're going to have this kind of life, but
you don't know if the other person wants that kind
of life. If you're not talking about it now in
the present, you don't know how does this person treat me?
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Now?
Speaker 4 (10:59):
What is it like when we together? The biggest indicator
would be we had a disagreement. How did we get
through it? That's what your future is going to look like.
We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other.
We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair
that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair.
Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your
(11:21):
family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents,
with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we
have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture
with them because we're so in love and we see
each other and we see eye to eye. But of
course you're going to have ruptures. It's not so much
whether you're going to have a rupture, it's what do
you do with it and what does it look like.
(11:41):
So if you have been dating for let's say six months,
and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not
going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough.
You're still on your best behavior. You have to be
able to be yourselves. That's going to tell you what
the future looks like. So stop the pretending. Be yourself,
Be what you want your future to look like, Act
like you want your future to look like. See how
(12:03):
the other person acts, and see what happens between the
two of you and a repair would look like something like, oh,
I didn't you know we're having a disagreement right now,
Why don't we take fifteen minutes and let's come back
when we're not so heated and let's talk about that.
Or you know, you made a mistake. You know what
I've been thinking about this. You know, say you have
(12:25):
an argument, you say, we're not going to talk for
a few minutes, let's go cool off.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Whatever.
Speaker 4 (12:31):
You call them back and you say, you know what
I thought about it. I was wrong and I'm so sorry.
Here's what I did, and I wish I had done
it this way. And that's great if your partner can
do that, or if you can do that right, and
then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you,
if your partner can say, I really appreciate that, and
I wish that I had reacted differently in this way,
(12:53):
and how can I be more supportive in those moments.
That's beautiful, that's your future, but you have to see
it in the present. You can't imagine what the future
is going to be. You have to actually live it
in the present and say, oh, now I know it's
going to be just like it is right now.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Now that's a wake up call. Sometimes doing the work
means facing things we'd rather avoid, but that's the only
way to grow. Number five, What if we keep attracting
the same type of relationships over and over? Doctor Joe Despenser, neuroscientist, researcher,
and expert on rewiring the brain, explains how we can
(13:32):
break free from those cycles and attract relationships that truly
align with us.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
Typically, it usually takes a crisis or a disease, or
a diagnosis, or a trauma, or a loss or a
betrayal for a person to really decide is this really
who I want to continue to be? So my message
is why wait for that right? So, there's nothing wrong
with saying I want to be in a relationship. I
(14:01):
want the following things in a relationship from this person
or what might be my ideal relationship. I think people
have an image in their mind of what they like,
or what their type is, or whatever they I don't
think there's anything wrong with that. But I think what
people are really looking for is connection and joy. Like
(14:25):
people should be in a relationship. The reason they should
be in a relationship is to be overjoyed, to be
with a person that you're with, right, you want joy
in your life. For me, it would make sense then
if the person got very clear on what they wanted,
then they should start on the journey to become that
very person. They should really work on being that very
(14:46):
person that they want. So there would have to be
some change that they would have to make in order
to be worthy enough to create a person that they
would attract in their life. And we cannot attract to
anything in our life that we feel separate from Trusting
in a future that you can't see your experience, you
(15:07):
have to lay down the very thing you use your
whole life to get what you want to trust that
something greater could happen. And that's not something that's very easy.
So I like the idea that it wouldn't happen on
a date that was from an app. It could happen
in a bank, It could happen at a seminar, it
(15:28):
could happen in the grocery store, you know, in a
way that you least expect, right, And I think that
when we get to a point where we're so happy
with ourselves, we're no longer looking because we feel like
we already have it. I think that's the state where
people attract an.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Equal become the person you want to attract. When we
focus on our own growth, the right relationships naturally follow
number six. What about manifesting lot? How do we stop
chasing and start aligning? Josha is why joy and presence
are the key to attracting the right partner.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
We're conditioned in a way to like, Okay, I need
something out there. I need the experience to proof, I
need the event to occur, and the end product of
that event or experience is called an emotion. The emotion
takes away the lack or separation from not having it,
so or waiting for the event to occur to take
away the feeling of separation or lack. And actually that's
(16:31):
not the healthiest way to create. And actually we should
feel the emotion of the experience before it happens, so
that if you're feeling the emotion of that future before
it happens, truly feeling it, you wouldn't be looking for it.
You would only be looking for it when you felt
separate from it. Right, So can you maintain that state?
(16:52):
Because the only way you're going to believe in that
future is you have to feel the emotion associated with it.
The moment you feel the lack and the separation, you're
going to believe in the past. And there's a story
that goes along with the past that has everything to
do with the dating is hard, or finding a person
or whatever. That is the story that we tell ourselves
(17:13):
that we actually accept, believe, and surrender to is if
it's the truth. Right. So that's exactly what programs the
subconscious mind into a belief. Right, So the default is
so seamless to lose that vision or that belief in
(17:33):
the future. The moment we start feeling the emotions of
lack or survival in the past, right, that's the moment
we can't see that future any longer because we would
be looking at that future through the lens of the past,
and we would doubt that that future could actually exist.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
That really resonated with me, the idea that we're not searching,
we're aligning. It's a whole new way to look at
love number seven. Once we find someone often and overthink
it is this the one? Is there someone better out there?
That's where Matthew Us, the Relationship Coach, a New York
Times best selling author, comes in He's been coaching people
(18:11):
for years on how to make love work without the
mind games.
Speaker 6 (18:15):
Sometimes we're wanting something else because there's you know, the
person that's in front of us isn't compelling enough. There
really is something lacking in that relationship. But I do
think we have to ask ourselves, what what are the
things that I really must have for an amazing relationship.
I'm not a you know, there's the one out there
(18:39):
kind of a person. I've never been that way if
you look anyone looks back through my videos, and you
know this because we've spoken about it back when I
was single. You know, I've never been a person who
believes in the idea of the one. So I think
that it's finding someone that we've you know, we look
at what's really important to us, not what's important on
(19:02):
an egoic level, because I think a lot of the
things that make us question whether this person is right
for us are ego based. I don't think they're based
on how we feel around this person. We worry is
this the kind of person my friends think that I
should be with. Do they look the part, are they
my normal type?
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Do they make the right amount of money?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (19:24):
Like, has this person come in the package that I
had always told myself they would come in. And those
things can be really, really limiting, and they can have
us like constantly trying to optimize for some version of
something that we think we're supposed to be with, which
is a very dangerous way to go about finding love.
(19:46):
You can't optimize for human beings. You can optimize for
a lot in life, but you're dealing with people. And
by the way, even if you let go of this person,
you're going to find someone else who's also imperfect. And
they might, Okay, this person is you know, scores a
seven in this area and they score a nine, But
(20:06):
guess what, they score a three in this other area
that you didn't even know was great in this relationship
because you took for granted how amazing that person was.
In that way, Like, it's very dangerous to optimize in
that way in our love life. And I've come to
really believe in life that if you find a connection
(20:28):
that has all the right raw materials and you both
have the same level of commitment, then you can build
something extraordinary together. And actually the extraordinary is the thing
you sculpt together. It's no different from a career when
we think of what's like, what are we worried about
in our love life? For so many of us, it's
(20:49):
that we're going to settle. Yes, I'm going to settle
for the wrong person. Well, I think we can actually
start to reclaim the language of settling and make it
into a very positive thing. What if it wasn't settling
for What if you decided to settle on Because when
you settle on someone, there's a power to that. It's
(21:12):
like you resolve to say, I'm going to settle on this.
I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten
from the pain that I didn't choose has been no
less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain
I did choose. In fact, actually I think the most
valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose.
And when you realize that, you can kind of almost
(21:35):
I think, look at some of the worst moments of
your life as like a menu of pain, and beside them,
I am on the menu is the very specific, unique
benefits that can only come from this kind of pain,
And you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like retroactively
(21:56):
choosing that pain, which is a very valuable thing to do,
because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment
on rats where one rat was on a wheel and
was just given, you know, like the free reign to
just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat,
(22:17):
this was Rat A. Rap B was connected to that wheel.
He was on another wheel that was connected to Rat
A's wheel, and any time Rat A chose to run,
rap B had to run, right, So both doing the
same amount of exercising. But at the end of the experiment,
(22:38):
rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and
rap B shows all the negative.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
Markers of stress.
Speaker 6 (22:44):
Oh wow, same amount of exercise was the difference. Well,
rat A chose to run, rap B didn't. Anyone who
doesn't choose you cannot be for you. They if they
don't see you, Like, what is a relationship. It's someone
sees you, they accept you, and they want that. That's
(23:07):
that's the most beautiful part of a relationship. So if
someone doesn't see you and accept you and want what
they see, then this relationship is missing the most beautiful
part of any relationship.
Speaker 3 (23:19):
It shouldn't even.
Speaker 6 (23:20):
Be you know, it shouldn't be desirable at that stage
because it's not it has failed the fundamental test of
what makes a relationship worth having. We're not talking about
a person who you know, in at least the case
I feel, we're talking about the person who was taken
from us by life. We're talking about a person who's
(23:40):
just walking around somewhere, still existing on the planet, but
choosing not to be with us. That should lose its
romance to us, you know, And to say, well, if
that's the other game we play is if it was
a different time in life, if they were a bit older,
they would have been ready to commit, If they had
(24:01):
been in a different phase where they weren't so busy
with their work, they might have had the space to
really give to this relationship. But they said their work
isn't allowing them to. If it's like, we go through
all these scenarios where it forces us into this sad
love song of right person, wrong time, and that's a
really pernicious story. That's a very dangerous story because it
(24:30):
takes what belongs in the realm of science fiction and
brings it into our reality.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
That's such a fresh take. Stop looking for perfect, start
building something real. Number eight. Sometimes love isn't about holding on,
It's about letting go, and no one explains that better
than James Cordin, comedian, talk show host, and actor. He
shares a powerful analogy about love and letting go that
(24:58):
I know will stick with you as it has with me.
Most of us are conditioned to believe when you find
something good, hold on to it forever, make sure it
lasts forever, because you never know.
Speaker 7 (25:08):
Well, then you're a kid with a balloon. Yeah right,
and you go and hold that. I'm never I'm never
ever going to let this balloon go, right, and ignoring
for this for a second, the environmental impact of letting
a balloon go. Let's talk about it just metaphorically.
Speaker 3 (25:24):
You know that.
Speaker 7 (25:25):
You go, I'm this is my balloon, and hold this bround,
never ever, ever, ever, ever going to let go of
this balloon. In fact, I'm going to go, I'm going
to tie it to my wrist so it can't disappear,
because that happened to me once before, and it you
know what i mean, I'm going to just you know,
that's it, and then slowly that balloon will just wilt
and it will run out of the thing that made
(25:46):
it great and it will just then be Then it's
tied to your wrist and you're dragging it behind you, right,
and actually there's something quite beautiful. And again, environmentally, I'm
not encouraging this. We didn't know about this when we
were kids. When you let go of a balloon, it's magical, magical.
(26:09):
And then you see it and you're like, oh my god,
I used to have that, I used to hold onto that.
Look at it now. Look it's just that's amazing. And
then you go and now I haven't got a balloon.
And then you go, h maybe I'll get another one. Yeah,
maybe there'll be another balloon, and maybe it'll be a
(26:29):
different shape, or it'll be shinier or whatever.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
It is.
Speaker 7 (26:32):
Like, you've got to be able to let go of
stuff to make new things come in. You've got to
have the space and the time to encounter something new.
A friend of mine a year ago, maybe Less, had
(26:52):
his heart broken in the most brutal circumstances. It was
his first love, first girlfriend, and they broke up and
he was just not in a good way. And this
(27:13):
was his first real proper serious girlfriend, certainly the first
time he'd been in love before. I just found myself
saying to him, I was like, this is great. This
is great because you really only understand what love is
once your heart's been broken. You understand how tender it is.
(27:38):
And I was like, and you understand it now, and
what you're looking at this all wrong? You get to
do it again. You get to do this again. You're
going to meet someone else and feel all these feelings
and perhaps you'll go into that relationship learning what you've
(27:59):
learned from this relationship and that will then feed that
relationship in a different way. And he's just met someone, right, Yeah,
and he's like, oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
And I'm like, yeah, got that balloon again.
Speaker 7 (28:14):
Yeah, Like that's it, that's it. And so again, I
think it's expectation is the thing that makes us hold
on to stuff. Yeah, if you can just ebb and
flow with stuff, you're going to find it so much
easier to take the good, the bad, and the everything
in between. It's just all being good for you.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
This next conversation is really close to my heart because
it's with someone who knows me better than anyone. My wife, Roddy.
She's not just my life partner. She's an incredible nutritionist, chef,
and advocate for conscious living. Over the years We've learned
so much about love together, what it means to grow
as individuals, whils staying deeply connected as a couple. Number nine,
(28:58):
How to love fully without losing yourself in the process.
Radi shares a wisdom on maintaining a strong sense of
self while being in a loving, supportive relationship.
Speaker 5 (29:09):
People think that time is the investment, like the amount
of time you spend with someone is what the investment is.
This person is willing to spend two hours with me,
but this person's willing to spend fifteen minutes with me.
That must mean the two hour person values me more,
loves me more, cares for me more. But what is
the quality of those two hours? What is the quality
of those fifteen minutes? Makes such a difference. And I think,
(29:30):
you know, I've just been so used to that concept
that that's what I always you know, related to this
friend or this relationship. This person wants to spend the
most amount of time with me, that must mean you know,
that person loves me more. And so I think that's
something I've really changed, because you can feel so much
more fueled from a fifteen minute interaction with someone and
(29:53):
loved with presents than you can with, you know, two
hours of someone's distracted time, and I'm that's something I'm
still working on as a person of being someone who's present.
I think it's something i've really you know, I've been
up and down with it. There are different times where
my mind can just you know, go everywhere and do
everything and not even be in the same room as
(30:13):
everybody else that I'm in the room with. But I
think it's something that I know, it's it's it's I
want to be working on and something I want to
be improving on.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
I think a lot of people love people being dependent
on that definitely because it gives them a sense of significance.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
Exactly, especially if you don't know what you're doing in
your life or if you feel like you're a bit
lost helping other people. And although that's a great thing
when you help other people, but the intention behind it
and what you're receiving from it can make a huge
difference in how you actually feel about it. So like,
if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them,
genuinely helping them, or are you helping them because it
(30:51):
fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore, like for me.
I remember, it used to be just a way that
I would throw myself into so I didn't have to
think about what I was doing in my life for
how to figure out my own things. It was just, Oh,
this is great. I need to be doing this. This
person needs my help. I need to create this space
for myself in their life because then I don't have
(31:13):
to think about all the important stuff I actually need
to deal with. So was the easier option and more
of a selfish option. But I think that's a value
that I have changed.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
I really hope that you got lots of value from that.
That's why we're doing these compilations. I want to make
things simple, seamless, and practical for you. Love isn't just
about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person.
And through all these incredible conversations, one thing is clear.
Self awareness, growth, and intention are at the heart of
(31:41):
real love. I really hope this episode gave you clarity, perspective,
and inspiration to approach love with more purpose. If something
resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs
to hear it, and pass this on to someone else.
I'll see you next time on on purpose. Hey, everyone,
if you love that conversation, go and check out my
episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she
(32:05):
answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when
it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're
trying to figure out that space right now, you won't
want to miss this conversation.
Speaker 4 (32:18):
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard
to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold
hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Host
Jay Shetty
Popular Podcasts
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season
Daniel Jeremiah of Move the Sticks and Gregg Rosenthal of NFL Daily join forces to break down every team's needs this offseason.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.