Nicky Jam: How to Forgive Yourself From the Past & Free Yourself From Shame and Trauma

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which
is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more
present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss
all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to
actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's
where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for
a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness

(00:22):
fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to
help you build positive habits, shift yourself talk, reframe your
negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life.
So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in
the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also
check out my seven minute daily series to help you

(00:43):
live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners
of On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to
Calmpremium at Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm
dot com Forward slash Jay for forty percent off. Calm
your Mind, Change your Life.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
I've never opened up in any of these shows about this.
I don't want to be boxed as this role model
just because people want to see me as a role model.
I'm a human being well more than three decades of
Hit Records awards to prove it. Please welcome Snicky, Nicki,
Nikki Jam everybody else.

Speaker 1 (01:17):
What age did you get to where you were like, Oh, that's.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
Not normal, You're going really deep. My mom not being
there made me not care about living. Now, I'm gonna
tell you this though I forgive, but I never forget.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Weird Throw to announce that we've reached three million subscribers.
We're incredibly grateful for each and every one of you.
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to hit that
subscribe button so you never miss out on any of
our new releases. We're dedicated to bringing you the content
you love. Our team carefully analyzes what resonates most with

(01:51):
you to bring on board the best experts and storytellers
to help you improve your life. Some of your favorite
topics are sleep, science, wait loss, physical fitness, navigating breakups,
habit building, and understanding toxic relationships. Upcoming episodes include one
of the biggest names in health and science world, renowned

(02:11):
relationship therapist, and your favorite manifestation expert is back to
drop new findings. Hit subscribe to not miss any of
these episodes. If you think of someone who would love
this episode, send it to them to make their day.

Speaker 2 (02:25):
The number one health and wellness podcast.

Speaker 1 (02:28):
Jay Sheety jay Sheety Sheet. What would you say is
your earliest childhood memory that has defined who you are today?

Speaker 2 (02:40):
Packing groceries at the supermarket and freestyle And while I
was doing and that's the way I would discovered. I
would always go there because I would make twenty dollars
by quarters because they would give me always quarters every
time I pack groceries, and I'll make twenty dollars with that.
I will buy ham, cheese, milk, sigrea for my dad

(03:00):
and stuff like that. And I will go every day.
I will walk probably like thirty minutes to go there.
And that's me, you know, always try trying to like
take care of my family, but at the same time
having fun while I do it, you know, rapping and
doing music and making people laugh and making people having fun.
That's Nikki, you know, That's that's that's the Nikki I

(03:21):
always have in my mind, even when I was in
those dark moments. That's what went through my head in
those moments.

Speaker 1 (03:27):
That's amazing. So you're packing groceries, that's your job and
you're freestyling to the customers groceries that you're packing.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
It wasn't really my job. I was. I was twelve
years old. It was illegal for me to work there.
But the guy, the manager from the supermarket, he will
let me do it because he knew I was trying
to make some money. So every now and then he'd
be like, Okay, NIGGI, you gotta go because you know
the supervisors are here or whatever. But I would, like,
you know, I would I would pack groceries. I would
freestyle like you know, the letters and tomatoes and like

(03:53):
I would wrap rhyme the food that I was packing.
I became like a little celebrity there, and people peop like, yo,
this is this kid that he'd be rapping while he's
packing groceries. And everybody wanted to see me over there
in Puerto Rico at this supermarket and buy my own.
This lady came to me once and I was I
wasn't in a rapping mood. I was just, you know,
packing groceries. It was a bad day or whatever. And
she looks at me and she's like, so you're not

(04:15):
gonna wrap for me? And I'm like yeah, So I
was rapping and I started freestyling, and she was like
she was shocked because I was so I was a kid.
I was like eleven years old, and she was like,
can you come with me? I'm like, no, I don't
know you. And she was like, I'm like, why should I,
you know, go with you? And she's like, my husband,

(04:35):
he's a producer for this record label, and I want
him to hear you. And I'm like, okay, in that case, yes,
let's go. So I got in the car with her.
She took me to her husband and I started rapping
for him. And next day he was in my house
with a big ass contract like this. I told my
Dad's like, I don't even know what it says. I'm like,
I don't care what it said. Just sign it. You

(04:56):
know what I'm saying. I want to I want to
get my first deal. And that's how I got my first,
you know, working at that supermarket. The album was whack.
It was horrible. I mean, how creative can you be
when you're twelve years old. I had to write all
the lyrics myself, and I was I wasn't really good
writing in that moment. I was more a freestyler you know,
but I did an album. It didn't sell anything. Can

(05:20):
I curse here? Yeah, of course, okay, I didn't sell shit.
So but the good thing about it, DJ's recognized me
all over Puerto Rico. The famous mixtape era was coming.
I started, you know, recording in these mixtapes, and I
became one of the like, one of the biggest artists
in the mixtape industry, you know, included Daddy Yankee. That obviously,

(05:42):
Daddy Yankee was like the boss in that moment, and
in the mixtape he was already in the boss in
those days. I'm talking about nineteen ninety two, ninety three,
ninety four, those those years, and uh yeah, I mean
from the album. Nothing happened with the album, but I
got to be a little I got to be a
bigger singer and more famous in Puerto Rico because of

(06:04):
these mixtapes.

Speaker 1 (06:05):
How did you not let like, at such a young age,
I can imagine that feeling like you're getting a record deal,
you have no idea what you're signing. But then, as
you said, the album was whack. How do you deal
with the fact that was there any negativity at that time?
No one cared.

Speaker 2 (06:21):
I was just happy I had a deal. See the
thing is, in those days, the urban music, the reggaeton music,
was not even something that was happening. So just for
me to have an album and show people that I
had an album for me was big. I didn't care about,
you know, having hits, because I didn't know about that.
You know, I didn't even to be honest with you,

(06:41):
I didn't even think my album was going to be
a hit, you know, because I knew about the people
that was doing big in those days. We had vco C,
Blu Limc, all these rappers that were killing the game
in the urban industry in Puerto Rico. So I know
I was nothing like them. And to be honest with you,
when I got to Puerto Rico, my Spanish wasn't really
too good because I was born in the States, so

(07:04):
when I got to Puerto Rico, I had to learn
the language. So if you listen to that album, you
know closely, you would realize my Spanish wasn't really that good.
So imagine a guy, a kid, singing writing when he's
twelve years old. Music his Spanish is not the best. Obviously,

(07:25):
I didn't expect for it to be the best. I
was just happy I had an album and I was signed.

Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I'm just trying
to put myself back into that age and thinking how
it I felt if I was you. But one of
the things that I saw, I mean, the docu series
that you had on Netflix was incredible, Like it weciated,
super powerful, and I remember when I think it was
like twenty eighteen when it came out, but there was
something that was really powerful in that. There's this scene

(07:49):
where you're you have this experience of when you run
into watching your mom I's at a restaurant having sex
in a car. Yeah, like that moment feels like a
defining moment as well early life. Walk us through your
headspace in that moment.

Speaker 2 (08:05):
Wow. Well, the reality of everything is that I lived
in a street where girls would you know, would work
as prostitutes in the corners, and I would see my mom,
you know, and in those corners, and when she got
into a car, I knew what was going on. So

(08:28):
when you're a kid and you see stuff like that,
obviously it affects you. But at the same time, you
think it's normal because you don't know better. You know,
you haven't seen a different world. You only see what's
going on. The only thing that would probably made me
think is not normal is watching TV and seeing families
on TV and stuff like that. But I just thought

(08:51):
it was my life. And to be honest with you,
the whole street where I was living, kids were living
like that, so it was kind of like normal, you know,
like it was it was kind of like normal. The
reality is, is not normal today. I suffer because of
situations like that. You know, even if I have success

(09:11):
in my life, even if I'm doing really good and
stuff like that, sometimes I go back to those traumas.
You know what I'm saying. I go back to those
moments that affects my life. A lot of people think,
cause I told my story, it's done, and that's a lie.
That's not the way it works. You know, you still
have it there, you still have it in your head.

(09:31):
And even the situation with my mom and everything I
went through living in the hood and all the stuff
that I saw. You know, when people come from the wall,
they have PTSD, right, they need to get medication because
of that and stuff like that. The reality is when
you live in the hood and you see all these
stuff like stuff that I saw with my mom and
situations that I saw in my house and stuff that
I saw in the hood about friends of mine getting

(09:53):
shot and other people that are not my friends getting
shot and stuff like that. You get PTSD too, but
people don't underst and that. So when you get a situation,
when you go through, you know, back to the darkness.
Even if you're successful, people judge you and they're like, oh,
he's back again. You saw my story, you saw what

(10:14):
I went through. Why would you Why would you judge
me when I came out with my story? You said,
you deserve everything you have. It's funny because I always
did deserve anything I had because I worked for what
I had. All those moments, especially like the moment that
you just talked about. You know my mom, because my mom,
your mom as a man, is everything for you for

(10:35):
you know, she's the base of the house. She's the
one that take care of you. You know, she makes
you think that everything's gonna be okay. Not having that
causes an effect in me in every situation, even with
my kids. I don't know how to give the love
that I have to give because I never had it.
You know, a lot of people be saying sometimes yeah,
I'm going to give my kids everything I didn't have.

(10:57):
That's not the way it works. If you don't know
how to do it, how can you do it? It
affects me in every way. But the good thing I
have a good sense of humor, and even in bad situations,
I laugh and I make people laugh. I try to
enjoy myself the best. But I hope that answer you, Yeah,

(11:20):
it does. No.

Speaker 1 (11:20):
Thank you for being so open as well and vulnerable.

Speaker 2 (11:22):
Man.

Speaker 1 (11:23):
I think it's amazing to see that because you're so
right that when you're living your life it looks normal.
What age did you get to where you were like, oh,
that's not normal, Like when didn't kind of register where
you were like, oh wait a minute, that's not what
life looks like for everyone.

Speaker 2 (11:38):
Wow, you're going really deep. Okay, I can say this.
My mom used to whip me because I used to
pee in my bed, right, I don't know. She probably
didn't understand it. It was not something that I wanted to do.
It just it happens.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
I wish it's a normal thing kids do.

Speaker 2 (11:58):
I think when kids pee on their bed was like
probably seven years old something like that. It's just a
problem that they have. And automatically it happens. It's not
like you wake up and it's not like you're like,
I don't want to go to the bathroom. It's more
like it's something that happens, wake up, and you just
pete on your bed. So this this kid, this white kid,
his name is Billy. I wish I could find him

(12:20):
wherever he is. Billy Jeannetti his name. I've been trying
to look for him on Google because he was my
best friend when I was a kid, and I can't
find him everywhere. Probably had his name was different and
I knew him, asked Billy Jeannetti. He studied with me
in school and everything. I stay at his house. I
stay at his house. You know, he was his kid,
you know, typical white kid that had everything, you know,

(12:43):
atari Nintendo and all that stuff. And his mom had
his room decorated with you know, a boy's room with
you know, posters on the wall and stuff like that.
And I see at his house and I peed on
the couch where I slept. I woke up fighting because
I thought I was getting I thought I was getting
my ass whooped. And she comes to me and she

(13:06):
sees me that I'm up because I turned on the light.
Billy's Billy's mom and she's like, what happened, You're okay.
I'm like, I'm sorry. I I peed on my bed.
I peed on the bed, I peed on the couch.
And she's like, oh, it's okay, don't don't worry about that.
I'll take care of that. And you know, she she
gave me clothes so I could take a shower, and

(13:26):
she gave me food, and she took care of the situation.
I was shocked, and I was like, oh, so this
is how it should be. This is how it should be.
It's not it's not uh, it's not getting whooped, you know,
And this is how she probably treats Billy. And that's

(13:48):
when I realized that what was going on in my
house wasn't. That situation of me, uh peeing on the
bed affected me so much that because I'm my mom
doing drugs and not taking care of what was going
on in the house, I would go to school with
my clothes smelling like pee, and the teacher in front

(14:11):
of the kids would spray me and spray because I'll
smell bad to learn with the spray with the yeah, Deirdre, yeah,
and she was spraying in front of everybody. Obviously the
kids will laugh, and that affected me as well, obviously
because it's embarrassing, you know, like in front of everybody.
That's how important it is for the parents to do

(14:34):
their job and take care of the kids, you know,
because it's just you know, it's not it's not something
that a kid should go through.

Speaker 1 (14:42):
You know, why do you want to reconnect with Billy?
What would you what? What makes you want to reach out?

Speaker 2 (14:48):
Well, he was my best friend when I was a kid.
I just want to know how he looks like. I
want to know is he okay. I want to know
if he's alive. I want to know if he remembers me.
I want to know if he knows that I'm famous.
He was my best friend when I was a kid,
and we went through so much and I wish I
could see him again. I mean, I don't know would
you want to see you know what?

Speaker 1 (15:10):
It's so funny because I have a similar Probably how
old were you when you were and Billy were friends?

Speaker 2 (15:15):
Probably like eight seven years.

Speaker 1 (15:17):
Yeah, So when I was at primary school elementary school
in England, it was I had a friend that I
recently connected with again. Because I was talking about him
on the show and then he reached out. His name
is Ian, and so me and Ian like, he was
my best friend in primary school since we were like
four or five years old, two too exactly. He lost
touch after eleven, after eleven years old and we went

(15:37):
to different secondary school. For you now I'm thirty six.
Now thirty six, yeah, and so it's like, but I
haven't seen him again. But we did message a bit,
and it was I.

Speaker 2 (15:45):
Googled his name fifty other ways and I just can't
find him his name. I know. I wish you could
see this show. I mean, his name is Billy Jeannetti.
I know him. Ask Billy Jeannetti. And if you see
this show, please, you know, hit me up on Instagram
and d m me and let me see if I
could at least meet you again and talk to you again.

(16:08):
I would love to. That's beautiful, man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:10):
No, there's kind of friendships that are different. And yeah,
that nostalgia being able to look back and see.

Speaker 2 (16:15):
Oh my god. And I'm very nostalgic, like I really
I have. I'm fascinated with the past, and not only
with my past, with the past, like I see movies
from the past, and I go crazy. I don't know
why I like them so much. Like I like to
see how simple life was in the past. I think
it's so complicated now with all thens and you know,

(16:38):
yes we need it and stuff like that, but I
used to like the way it was.

Speaker 1 (16:41):
You know, would you say your life's become more simple
or more complicated?

Speaker 2 (16:48):
It depends in what terms. If you're going to say
in terms of temptation, it's simpler. If you're gonna say
in terms of a better lifestyle, no, even come back
to what you grew up with. Yeah, I mean, I've
my girls here right now, and she knows that. I

(17:10):
don't even touch my phone anymore. I don't care about
it anymore. I just feel that it's just toxic, you know,
And even though we need it, I use it because
we need it, but it doesn't make me happy anymore.
I'm one of the first influencers of the Spanish reggaetone,
not reggaetone, the first influencers there was back in twenty fourteen,

(17:30):
you know, when Instagram started. I used to do videos everywhere,
sit down here, sit down everywhere, show my lifestyle, show
the way I would talk to people from the streets
and make people laugh and make jokes and stuff like that.
And it came to a moment where record labels wanted
to obligate me to do it, and it just didn't
feel organic. And when something's not organic, it just doesn't

(17:51):
feel good. What you're doing right now, you're doing it
because you like it, you enjoy it. But when they
tell you you have to do it, it's different, you
know different. You doing this because you like it. I
can see you enjoying your job. That's nice as badass.
But when they're like, we need you to do content
because they like Nikki Jam being an influence, I'm like, nah,
I'm not an influence. I'm a singer. I do music

(18:12):
and I started influencing people by Instagram. But do not
obligate me to do something because automatically, it's not anything
that's obligated. It's not organic. And what's not organic doesn't
look cool.

Speaker 1 (18:24):
You know, it doesn't work.

Speaker 2 (18:26):
It doesn't work.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
And I think we're living at a special time right
now where you can own your own media and you can,
like you said with this show, like we can make
it as longer as sure as we like. We can
sit down with whoever we want to find it interesting
record labels.

Speaker 2 (18:41):
When I turn on a live or I do something,
they see how my everything goes up numbers and then
they're like, ooh, we need you to do this. I
don't want to do nothing you need. I want to
do something I need. I want to do something I like.
I want to do something I enjoy. If you tell

(19:05):
me you have to sing, I don't want to sing.
If you tell me, can you please sing? I'll probably
think about it. But there's nothing better than singing when
you want to sing. You know, when you want to
do something, you enjoy it more. And that's just the
way I am. Even in a relationship. If my girl
tells me, go get me a cup of water, I

(19:26):
might have no If she tells me, baby, can I
get a couple of water? I get one hundred and
fifty cups of water and I rob her if you
watch he drinking it. Because that's just the way I am.
You know what I'm saying. That's just the way I am.
I don't run by command. I've never been that type
of guy, and that's why I have the success that
I have because I always live life the way I

(19:46):
want to live it.

Speaker 1 (19:46):
It's a beautiful way to live. But the world's kind
of set up with all these rules and contracts and
things you have to sign and everything. So how have
you managed to hold onto that? How have you kept
that when there are so many demands and Nikki, do
this sneaky do God?

Speaker 2 (20:00):
Like, I don't do shit nobody tells me to do.
I've never been that guy, and that probably could be
a situation. Sometimes they call me and they say, we
need you to do a video for this show. I'm like,
I'm not doing it. I just I don't do stuff
people tell me I have to do. I don't work
like that. I don't like people telling me there's a
structure of life, there's a blueprint of living. Hell No,

(20:25):
I live the like the way I want to live it.
I'm a good guy and I always work with everybody,
and I listen to people because I'm open, you know,
for ideas, and I'm open for everything. I'm not open
for commands. It's just that that's just the way I am.
If you tell me, Nikki, what do you think if
we do this? You know? Yeah, yeah, why I want

(20:47):
to know why? Well, because I think if you do
this and we do it this way, we could do
that and this could happen. I'm like, okay, okay, let's
do it. Let's work. You know. I'd rather work that
way than a command and telling me I have to.
And just that's just the way I am. And that's
that's the way I've been living for years.

Speaker 1 (21:05):
You know, That's what I was gonna say. It makes
sense for you because you've had to be your own
boss and make decisions and tough times and you've had
to you.

Speaker 2 (21:12):
Know, and I've paid and I've paid my dudes because
of that too. At the same time, I've been I've
been situations where I almost got killed a lot of times,
not once, probably like fifty sixty times. I've been in jail.
I've been through so many things because I do whatever
I want to do, you know what I'm saying. But

(21:34):
at the same time, I've done so many good things
because I do whatever I want to do. You know,
I have so much success. And it's not even about success.
It's about helping people too, because the mean of everything
is my whole way of thinking about things is I
want people. I want to inspiraate people. If I open

(21:55):
a restaurant, if I do a song, if I give
away aol, a scholarship, anything I do, even if I up,
I want people to get inspiraated by it, because the
reality is we all go where human beings are, not
angels who we don't have wings and ship. We all up.

(22:18):
So I want people to, you know, see things that's
inspiration I and I like, you know, to be honest
with you. I know people think, you know, they saw
my story and they see it like, well, you know,
he's already had his success, he had his bad moments.
He woke up like the phoenix because they call me
the phoenix and the in the urban music game, because

(22:40):
I came from the ashes and I came back and
I did a comeback and then I conquered the world
and soever soever. But the reality of everything is I
still go through shit. I still have my bad not
bad days, bad months, well I could say a whole
bad year, even if I have success, you know, because

(23:02):
we have these skeletons in the closets that are trying
to pull me back. You know, the past is killing
me and a lot of people be like the past go,
And that's not the way it works, you know, We
have a lot of people, especially men, going to mental health,
you know, mental problems, and they just don't talk about it.

(23:25):
They scared of talking about it. It's not easy for
a man to do it because a man always have
to have shit together, you know. Like I'm a man,
I never have a problem. I take care of everything.
But that's not the way it works. You know. I
go to anxiety sometimes, I get panic attacks, I get nervous,
I get the shakes, I get a lot of shit.
I start thinking about because I'm a human being, you know,

(23:47):
when I went through a lot of shit, and I'm
paying a lot of things that I went through and
a lot of things that I did in the past.
You know, even if I have success, even if I
help somebody, even if tomorrow I'll give one hundred dollars
to a homeless guy, or give away a scholarship through
the Grammys, or or I don't know, give away a

(24:07):
whole concert for free or whatever I do, I still
I have a smile. But I go through, you know,
my bad moments. So it's just you know, it's just life.

Speaker 1 (24:18):
Yeah, it's just like, yeah, what creates the It sounds
like it almost feels like you have that to share today,
like you've come here with this feeling of like, I
want people to know that despite the success, despite the
arc of my journey from like a lot of pain
to finding my genius and flow and the greatness that
you've achieved, that you want people to know that I

(24:39):
still have human emotions. I still have issues. What would
you say, are those things that come up now? What
are the roots of those? What are those?

Speaker 2 (24:46):
No, I'm gonna be honest with you and I have
I've never opened up in any of these shows about this.
I've been going through alcohol problems. It's the last uh,
this whole last year. It's because for some reason the
past came back to me and people have seen this,
you know, and it affects me in a way that
even I I even said I was gonna retire, and

(25:14):
that's a lie. I'm not retiring. I will never retire.
I even posted a video. I edited a video and
I posted it that I was retiring. It was an
alcohol you know. I've been battling with this for a
couple of years now. I could say one or two years.
You know, I can't say I'm an alcoholic as if
I say I'm an alcoholic. I'm lying. Alcoholic is a
person that sees alcoholics are shivering and drinks every single day.

(25:36):
But I go through my days where I go crazy
five or six days and people seen this. And to
be honest with you, I smoke weed today because I'm
dealing with the anxiety of not drinking and I've been stopping,
you know, drinking and all that because of the weed.
The we'ed been helping me in a way. And people

(25:57):
seeing me smoke and they're like, oh, he went back. Well,
we was never a problem for me. It was perks
and cocaine and other stuff. We was never a problem
for me. So when people start seeing me smoking weed,
they were like, oh, he went back again, and oh
they saw me drinking alcohol, he went back again. Reality is,

(26:19):
I've always been battling with my situation. You know, I've
just had good years, seven, eight, nine years, and then
I you know, I have my struggles again with other stuff.
You know, you can say the alcohol the weed, I
don't see as a drug. That's just the way I
see it. I smoke. It makes me chill, I get hungry,

(26:40):
sometimes I eat, I laugh, and it gets my mind
off all the negativity and drinking and stuff like that,
and I just felt judged by people, like, you know,
like just because I stopped doing the other stuff and
I've been clean for so many years, and then they
see me smoking weed, you know, they see me drinking alcohol.

(27:02):
They judge me, but they saw my past, and it's
contradicting because it's like, Okay, so you see my past,
you say you feel bad about my situation, you understand
my situation, but then you see me fall in any situation,
or you see me do anything to deal with my
anxiety or my present moment, and you judge me, And yeah,

(27:24):
I do feel the type of way. It pisses me off.
I ain't gonna be lying, but I can't get mad
at the same time because people don't understand. And you
can't get mad if people don't understand your situation, you know.
But at the same time, can you judge somebody if
you don't know the situation? Who we do? You know?
I judge my mom for so many years until I

(27:46):
heard what happened to her in the past. And that's
why today I respect my mom and I understand my mom.
She had a crazy past, So you know, I wish
I could share it, but I respect for her. I
want to do it. I don't. I don't know if
I have the green light. Like stuff that I did
talk about my mom is because I had the green

(28:07):
light from her to talk about But probably one day
I come out and do another series, you know, and
she gives me the green light to talk about whatever.
But I don't think I'll do another series about my life.
I think what I did was enough, and I don't
want to in a way. I don't want to. I
don't want to be in a box. A few people

(28:28):
box me like this, like the how do you say
this in English? Because I think in Spanish like a
role model. I don't want to be a role model.
I appreciate that people see me as a role model,
but I'm a human being, and if I have to

(28:49):
be a perfect human being to be a role model,
I don't want to be a role model. I want
to be a human I want to keep being a
human being. I want to be able to fall and
get back up again, and fall and give back up again,
and fall and get back up again. I don't want
to be boxed. That's this role model just because people
want to see me as a role model, and after
I did this series, people see me as this guy

(29:11):
that can't up why I'm not an angel? When you
go to church. A lot of people say, I don't
like going to church because I see shit in church
that I don't like, and I see people from church
doing things they don't have to do. They're not angels.
They're fighting their battles. You cannot expect them to be perfect.

(29:35):
Even the pastor, he's gonna up. He's a human being. Now,
we in the sky and we were God, and there's
angels up. I understand, but none of these motherfuckers got wings.
They human beings. People don't understand that. And it's easy
to judge people. You know, it's easy to judge people.

(29:55):
But if you had my money, and you had my power,
and you had my past, and you had my career,
how would you manage it? You know, you can't say
you know how you're gonna do it because you never
had it before.

Speaker 1 (30:13):
You know, Hey, you're just catching me as I have
my midday pick me up. I'm sure you've heard about Juni.
Radi and I put all of our love into creating
this amazing drink. It's full of new tropics and adaptogens.
Great for that little boast of energy and hance, focus
and a happy mind. And guess what, it's only five

(30:33):
calories and absolutely no sugar. I hope you're going to
try it out. It's available right now at Target if
you're a Target shop, I head there right now and
at Sprouts as well this summer. Go grab your JUNI.
It's powerful to hear that having context of your mum's
past was so helpful in you making sense of who

(30:54):
she was and why she was that way. I want
to know for you, what was it that took you
to drugs the first time, and what was it that
took you back to alcohol this time? Like, what were
the two motivations that took you there the first time?
And now as well?

Speaker 2 (31:10):
Drugs was part of my family since I was a kid.
My uncle died of age because he shot heroin using
somebody else's needles. He died in my face. My dad
did drugs, my mom did drugs in the house, my
uncle did drugs, my other uncle did drugs. Everybody in

(31:32):
the house will come to my house to do drugs,
and I would see that a whole bunch of zombies
in my house. So this started since that, and then
when I'm eleven years old, I moved to Puerto Rico,
and kids in Puerto Rico were doing drugs like nothing
in the hood. I'm not saying everybody in Puerto Rico
does drugs. Where I was raised, it was normal just

(31:53):
to see kids doing drugs. And at eleven, I started
smoking weed, and from weed a couple of years after,
I went to coke. What made me do coke was
a what's the first girl that I had? She left
me for another man when I was fourteen or fifteen

(32:14):
years old. She left me because I was a kid
and I didn't have a job or nothing like that,
and she left me for a man that had a
job and had inspiration and had all that, you know,
blah blah blah, and my mom abandoned me. So to
have another girl abandoned me, it affected me in a

(32:34):
way so big that I did. I started doing cocaine
and from there I it went from cocaine to heroine, heroin,
to ecstasy, ecstasy to any type of drug until I
got hooked with the with the perks and you know, codeine,

(32:56):
and I was doing perks, thirty perks a day for years.
I cleaned myself for years, because you know, I got
my shit together, and I said, I know it was
destroying me, and it was destroying my body and destroying
my mind, destroying my health. But when I had success
and I did it all and I was all this money,

(33:18):
and you know, it's lonely in the top. For some reason,
that lifestyle took me back to the past, and I
started going out. I didn't do anything, and I was bored,
and somebody had a thing of champagne and I just
took one and I started drinking one. And from there

(33:38):
it went to give me another one, and there gave
me for another one. And then I started traveling and
I went to Europe, and then the base where I
was staying was Amsterdam during the week, and I had
a little bar in the front, and I started drinking
and drinking and drinking, and I thought it was something
that I could do, you know. And while I was
touring during the week and then weekends I would perform.

(34:02):
Went back to Miami. It wasn't the same. I was
still in Answerdam even if I was in Miami. And
that's how I got back to it.

Speaker 1 (34:10):
Where do you go for help? Like when you clean
the first time, and now you're being so open about
this challenge that you have right now, Like how have
you been able to find the right help to support
you through that?

Speaker 2 (34:20):
Myself? Myself and my people, my girl, you know, my
girl would tell me Nikki, you drink and you sleep
for a whole day and I be alone. That affected me.
I'm like, oh shit, like really, like I leave you
alone for like eight hours and shit and all the
shit that I I would do that I wouldn't remember,

(34:42):
you know, And I'm like, I don't want to be
that guy. I don't want to be a guy that
do things and don't remember. So that helped me a lot.
People around me see people around me, you know, not
liking me being this guy that's drinking. And you know,
I've had fun. I ain't gonna lie this whole time.
I don't want to make it a sad story. I
don't want people to think that I've been like sad

(35:03):
and crying and I've had a lot of fun, a
lot of fun. But too much fun is not good,
you know, Yeah, too much fun is not good. And
if you forget shit and you don't remember, shit is bad.
And that's why I started smoking, because I would get
a lot. I'm very anxious. If you see me here,
I can't stop moving. That's just the way I am.

(35:26):
I've been like that since I was a kid. I've
never told this story before, but when I was a kid,
I lead paint with lead. They paint the house where
I was living with lead, and I used to eat
that when I was a kid, So that lad got
into my blood, and that lad affected me in a
way that it makes me very anxious. My sister had

(35:50):
it too, and so you know, all the drugs that
I did in the past and all that affected my
nervous system. So I'm a very anxious person and I
ain't gonna lie. The weed helps me a lot. It's
been helping me a lot. Probably somebody hears who's like,
you're stupid, You're leaving something for another thing or whatever.

(36:11):
I mean. I do whatever I gotta do to like,
for sure, to feel better. And I've rather smoked and
drink and I'm not doing the perks I used to
do in the past, or the cocaine, et cetera. And
I don't even know why I'm telling you some of shit.

Speaker 1 (36:24):
I appreciate it, no, man, I think it's I mean,
it's real. It's real, and oh I'm real. Yeah, and
if anything, I'm It's impressive how aware you are of
yourself having had so much trauma, stress, pain, Like you're
so aware. Like that's what I'm noticing in you.

Speaker 2 (36:44):
I'm listening to you.

Speaker 1 (36:44):
I'm like, well, this person so aware. You're so open
to people in your inner circle being able to share
their feedback with you. Yeah, you said it's lonely at
the top, but it seems like you've surrounded yourself with
people that can be honest with you and are arnest
with you.

Speaker 2 (37:01):
Yeah you could. You could have good people next to
you and still feel lonely. It's weird. I don't know
how to explain that. For some reason, you can have
good people next to you. I have a good circle
of people, have good friends. I have a good girl.
I have beautiful kids. My kids are big now, you know,
all in college and high school. And I'm not the

(37:25):
typical guy that calls the family every day and checks
on them. I'm the guy that when you call them
there you know. My dad calls me and I'll be
there in a second. Anything. He needs my mom as well,
my kids as well. Even my friends sometimes I just
don't want to be next to people. But it's not
because I'm a jerk, because I love my friends and

(37:46):
my friends been my family for a long time. Because
you know, I've been on the road so long. I've
been more on the road than in my house, you know,
traveling the world. I've traveled the world. I've done so
much around the world that to be in my house
it's just something that doesn't happen. But uh, but yeah,
sometimes you still feel lonely. It's just a the traumas. Man.

(38:10):
The traumas take you, take you there. But I deal
with it. I mean, I'm just opening it up to you.
I'm not sure. It's not that I'm like I was.
I've been laughing my whole way here. I have a
good time. I make fun of myself. I joke around
everywhere I go. I have a lot of fun. But
you know, I'm a human being, and that's what I

(38:31):
want people to understand. I have my days just like you.
I have my depressions, just like you. I have my
insecurities just like you. I have my all that shit
that people think we don't have because we have money,
we have cars, we have all that bullshit that the
reality is just nothing, you know, the end of the day,

(38:52):
it's just when you're alone in that bed. You know,
you're dying in that bed. You don't have a Farrari
next to you. You don't have a whole bunch of
girls next to you, you don't have a whole bunch
of friends. Next to you? Is your family? Who's there
with you?

Speaker 1 (39:06):
You know?

Speaker 2 (39:06):
So I'm real.

Speaker 1 (39:09):
Yeah, no, walk me through. There's there's some things you
said to me that I think, you know, people won't
experience once. Let learn fifty sixty times you were saying,
like nearly being killed, Like what is that? That must
be a life altering experience. But when you've had it
fifty sixty times, I mean, do you become immune to that?
Does that just become normal?

Speaker 2 (39:27):
Not now, No, not now, because I lived that life
a long time ago. But yeah, by that time and
that time, yes, of course, yeah, I was. I don't care.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
Walk me through one of the events if that was
the worst, like that was the closest.

Speaker 2 (39:38):
Oh my god. I mean, there's so many things I
can't even talk about because the thin well I could,
I could, I could almost talk about I was at
this club and I just bought a gun. I bought
a gun. And for some reason, this gun, if you,
if you, if you, if you lower the safety, it
shoots because because the gun was they put it fully

(40:02):
automatic in the street, in the street way. So I
bought this gun. I went into a club. The way
I got into the club with the gun. It's funny
that I put it in my chain and I sucked
it in. Security guy touched it. I said, it was,
you know, it was. It was if you had like
a like a how do you call that, like a

(40:23):
rosemary or something like that or something or anything in gold.
They you can't, they can't touch it because it's prepared.
It's it's a Puerto Rican thing. And so I got
in my gun and I shot the gun inside there
and then the no, someone just no, no, I didn't
want to shoot it. I lowered the safety and it shot.

(40:44):
So I'm in the club and the big guy from
Puerto Rico, the one that it was, I'm not gonna
say names, but the big guy, he was there and
his right man was there too, and they tell him, yo,
Nikki's shooting in the club. And the big guy, you know,
the top guy, he knew me and he was like, oh,
you know, Nikki, I'll deal with in a word, but

(41:05):
that's my boy. But then I was hiding myself behind
this guy because I knew I just shot some shot
the roof of the club and I didn't want nobody
to know it was me. And I had an argument
with the guy and the guy said he was with
the top guy, and I said, I don't carry you
with the top guy. But he told the top guys,
like Nikki said, he don't care about you. So his
right hand man came to shoot me, and then I

(41:25):
shoot my way out. I shot him too, and and
they gave me that phone call saying, bro, wherever we
get you, it's done. That's a scary moment because I
know who this guy was, and he was one of
the biggest guys, biggest guys in Puerto Rico. Long story short,

(41:49):
the whole music industry helped me not get killed. And
I had to pay my way to help the guy
because the guy had and how do you call this,
he was, uh, he had diabetes. So when you get
if you get shot, having diabetes for some reason, it

(42:09):
affects you way more. And I had to like pay
a lot of money in that moment. We didn't make
that much money in the industry and the music industry,
and I got out of that. But that's just one
of the stories of a whole bunch of stories. I
could tell you.

Speaker 1 (42:22):
Wow, man, And like you said, it's there's real fear.

Speaker 2 (42:25):
There's no when the guy like that calls you and
tells you was done is you know, it's one of
the worst things you could hear in your life. You know,
It's just I went through a lot of stuff, man,
I went through a lot of stuff, and I was
just a rebel. My mom not being there made me
not care about living, you know, and just it's just
the way it was.

Speaker 1 (42:43):
How long were you ever in prison for for the
longest time, like three years? Three years in one stretch. Yeah,
walk us through what three years in prison looks like,
because I feel like, again most people are on the
see in the movies, and you know it's glorified in
the TV show.

Speaker 2 (42:58):
At the beginning, you get all classophobic and you feel like, uh,
you feel like you're gonna die. I mean, come on,
you used to living in the house, and from living
in a house, you living in four walls like this,
like this morning, this is huge, bro. No, I mean
from your from York, from where you are to where

(43:20):
I am, and probably a little bit over here. That's it.
That's all you got in a toilet for the reality
of everything. I've always been the soul of the party.
So I made these people have fun. I sang for them.
I made jokes all day because I'm a joker. I'll
be doing jokes, and uh, people love me. You know,

(43:40):
people love me, and uh, they were gonna give me
six years. And from six years, I came out in three.
So I try not to talk too much about that
because it was crazy days. But but I could tell
you that I thought, for one moment everything was going
to be done when I got into that place, and
as soon as I came out coming inside it it's
not a problem when you come out and you fund

(44:04):
everything that you left before you went inside of jail.
Just like drugs, you know, you stop doing drugs and
then you got to confront yourself with all the things
that made you get into drugs. So I don't know,
I I'm just happy, I'm not I'm outside.

Speaker 1 (44:25):
No, I'm fascinated because it's such a unique life experience
that you know, I don't get to speak to someone
who's had that experience and then have the other experience
that you've had. So to me, I'm just curious because
I feel like we have such a limited understanding of
that life experience from the outside. Ind Like you have
no clue what it looks like to have that experience.
And I love what you said that it's actually harder

(44:46):
when you come out and you've got to see where
everything's kind of you got to catch up with life.

Speaker 2 (44:50):
Catch up with life, and you know, you know, and
come back and it will come back. And it was worse.
I came out and it was worse and worse and worse,
and I didn't more drugs and more drugs, and it
was it came to a moment I looked all messed
up because Perks was a drugs that would not will
make you eat. So I was a drug addict. I

(45:11):
was a big drug addict. You know what I'm saying.
I was an overweight drug addict. I would rather be
a skinny drug addict, it makes more sense. But I wasn't.
I was eating all this shit and you know, and
overweight and just you know, embarrassment, embarrassments, embarrassments, so it
was like it was just horrible. But you know, moving

(45:36):
to Columbia changed my life.

Speaker 1 (45:39):
Why why did that change your life?

Speaker 2 (45:41):
Well, the reality is sometimes you have to move, you know,
you can't stay in one place. And they called me
for a show in Columbia when I was in my
worst moment, and I went over there and I performed reality.
I acted like I was my own manager, and they
changed my voice. They're like, yo, can we get Nikki

(46:05):
jam for the A Teeth one moment? They put my manager, Yes,
what do you need right now? Change my voice? And
I had feel like I was my own manager. And
I went to Columbia and I'm thinking over here, I'm
the worst guy on the list of singers that are
going to be in this concert. You know, all these
kids were popping. They were like killing the game. I

(46:28):
haven't been in Colombia for a long time. So I
go over there and I'm over here thinking, damn, I
was singing these old songs. You know, I've been out
of the game for so long and not doing well,
and you know, I don't know if I want to
go on stage. You know, like I got even nervous
and everything, and I'm seeing that all these kids are
performing and they saving me for last. And I tell

(46:51):
the promoter, like, bro, why are you leaving me for last?
I mean, you got all these kids. They killing the
game right now, they're doing everything perfect, Like why are you?
He's like, we're saving you for last, Bro, because you're
the one people want to see. You never did a
show here when you was really popping, so people want
to see you. So when I got on stage, it
was standing ovation. I mean, people were like crazy. And

(47:14):
it went from that to that same two weeks, I
was doing like fifteen shows. I did cheap, but hey,
I made some money and I paid the rent, went
back to Puerto Rico, paid arin, bought myself a car,
and I'm thinking, oh am I doing here in Puerto Rico.

(47:35):
I have this country that loves me so much. I'm
working and I feel good over there. So I started.
It started for me like staying two weeks, three weeks
to me saying, you know what, I'm moving here. I'm
moving to this country. And I was going through a
bad moment there. You know, I was going through a
really bad moment in Puerto Rico, and I went through

(47:57):
a lot of embarrassments and stuff like that. So people
in Colombia was seeing me as an idol. Nikon like Nikki,
You're an iconom, like Kon, what do you mean? I'm broke,
nikonum overweight, broke. How you gonna call me an iconom?
But people see when people give you that love and

(48:21):
they say you the best, you believe it. So thanks
for the people giving me that love and saying I'm
the best. I did believe I was the best until
I became the best and I conquered the world. I
realized the country had more than sixty five million people,
and it was the YouTube era, and I said, you

(48:41):
know what, if I have one number one hit national
hit in this country, I could probably have so many
views that I can make other countries want to know
why I have so many views. And it went from
having one national hit to five nights hits and having

(49:02):
fifteen million in one song, twenty million in another, one,
thirty million in another one. People was like Yo, Nikky's popping.
And from there it went to Chi left from there
went to Ecuador. From there went to hear Europe by
and then from there I did five number one global hits,
did the World Cup, did movies in Hollywood, et cetera,

(49:26):
et cetera. I did everything, and thanks to Columbia, you know,
thanks for the love they gave me, Thanks for the
support they gave me, Thanks for making me think that
I was somebody bigger than I thought I was, you know.
And that's just something that I appreciate so much. And
that's why I love the country. Everywhere I go and

(49:47):
every country I go, I talk about Colombia. I could
be in Mexico and I talk about Columbia. I could
be in Puerto Rico and I talk about Colombia and
I say, Hey, if you guys see two Colombias walking
around the streets, give them love. Why because they took
one of yours and they gave them love. That's just
the way I see it. That's the way I believe it.
You know, if I see somebody from Columbia struggling in

(50:11):
my country, if I mean I'm living in Puerto Rico,
I'll get them in my house. I'll take care of them,
because Columbia did it with me. They gave me love
when I needed it. I own so much. That's why
I always try to, you know, show love and do
whatever I could do to help the country.

Speaker 1 (50:27):
You know, yeah, I really believe in this idea of
having a power place or a purpose place in the world.
There are certain places that you move to that it
feels like the whole universe is conspiring for you to
grow and become.

Speaker 2 (50:44):
Colombia is exactly, and Columbia is that you and I
appreciate that so much. You know, even if I wish,
I wish I would have went before.

Speaker 1 (50:54):
Yeah, yeah, there's I mean, there's a reason why like
places become iconic for something like you look at Silicon
Valley in tech where you look at LA and entertainment,
you look at New York and finance, you look at
you know, even though I was with my friend and
you know, we're in this we're in Oxford in England,
and like literally every book that we grew up on,

(51:14):
whether it was Alice in Wonderland or Lord of the Rings,
was written in that area of Oxford. And so it's
like you've got all these hubs in the world where writers, creatives, artists,
entrepreneurs gravitate because there's an energetic pull in that place.
And for you, you know, Columbia sounds like it was
that power place that there was.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
It was and I'm really grateful. Yeah, I can see
that for the country, and I would always give love
and show love to the country. And so the day
I die, and I don't mind dying in Columbia, you know,
because I feel like I'm dying home.

Speaker 1 (51:49):
You know, what was it like having that conversation with
your mom after you had context of whatever she went through?
What did it feel like to like appro to that?
Because the reason I ask it is, I feel like
a lot of us judge our parents for not giving
us enough, for not being there for maybe you know,
creating our trauma, et cetera. How do you then have

(52:13):
that conversation to be like, I don't judge you like?
This is how I like, how do you even navigate
a conversation?

Speaker 2 (52:20):
My mom is not an easy individual. My mom is
very complicated. She's not she's not well. You gotta understand,
my mom was a lady that when she was a
drug addict most of her life. You know, it's not
getting to talk to a typical mom that's gonna like

(52:40):
talk to you and say, yes, son, how you doing.
And it's you know, a person that literally was raised
in the streets, you know, So having a conversation with
my mom is not the easiest thing in the world,
but I give her a message in a strong way
because I have my mom character. I don't know if

(53:03):
that's the right way of saying it. My sister has
my dad's and my mom is a strong woman and
she don't take shit from nobody, and I'm a strong mother.
I don't take shit from nobody. That's just the way
I am. I've always been like that since I was
a kid. I was raised like that, and you know,
my mom raised me like that. In the small time
she was with me, she would tell me in school,

(53:24):
she was like, if you go and you fight in
school and the kid he was fighting with he beat
up more than you, I'm gonna whoop you ass when
you get home. Automatically, my mom gave me that I
gotta whoop people's asses if I go back home, my
mom's gonna whoop me. And I'm scared. I'm a most
scared of my mom than the kid in school. So

(53:46):
she made me a tough guy. You know, she made
me a tough guy. The conversation was just me being
strong to her and telling her, hey, you know what
you did this, you went through that I understand you.
I went through a lot of shit myself. I needed you.

(54:07):
Well you here now and we're here and that's all
that matters, you know. And I take care of her.
I bought her a house, you know. I give her
money monthly, anything she needs. You know, I'll take care
of her. You know, it's hard because you know, to
have a relationship. She lives in them can republish, she
can't travel. You know, I've been fighting for her to
have her you know, a pardon from the United States

(54:29):
so she could come back. She can't have it right now.
But uh, I'll leave everything in God's hands.

Speaker 1 (54:39):
You prayer.

Speaker 2 (54:40):
If I say, I pray a lot, I'm a lie. Man.
I have so much. It's so funny, man, I have
so much add that even if I pray, I can
lose myself praying, sir, girls, friend, I don't know if
I'm the only one that has that situation.

Speaker 1 (55:00):
I think we all have.

Speaker 2 (55:02):
But I talk to God. I don't pray because praying
has a process. You know. Praying is just not like, uh, yeah, God,
I need you to hook me up with this, and no,
praying is more like, you know, like you have to
first say, you know, thank thank thank you for everything
I have asked for other people's uh, you know, blessings

(55:27):
and health and all that, and then you talk about yourself.
That's the right way of doing it. That's the way
the Bible says you should do it. I don't go
through all that process every time. I do it sometimes,
but I talk to God here and there. You know,
I talk to God and uh, I have conversations with God.
I feel like God is my best friend. I know

(55:48):
it's not the right way. I know I should pray more. Oh,
I mean that sounds beautiful. Yeah, that sounds like the
essence of prayer. Yeah, I mean I I me, being
a guy that knows about the Bible and knows about
the Word of God. I know there's a better way
of having a connection with God and a better way
of praying. They say that you wake up every morning

(56:11):
and you get on your knees and you pray. It's
the right way. I wake up noxious in the morning now,
like I feel like I'm sick in the morning. I
got to eat something first. So if I sit, if
I get on my knees and I start praying, and
I don't feel good, I don't feel like I'm giving
the best. I don't know if I'm think all of us, Yeah,

(56:33):
I don't know. I mean I feel like, I mean,
can I at least eat a piece of bread or
something so I can like really focus on praying the
right way. I mean, look at my pastor look with
everything I've been through when I'm still here. You know,
I feel God has a purpose for me. He has
a huge purpose for me. And I feel God loves

(56:56):
me the way I am. I mean, I feel if
I go to have in and I'll probably like joke
around with God and you know, playing around with his
beard and and you know, just just the way I
see myself. He made me. He knows the way I am.
He knows my essence. He made me. I have respect
for God. I love God, and I know the time

(57:17):
will come where I would have to like really dedicate
myself to God because he has given me so much
and I haven't given him what I have to, you know.
So I know I old God a lot.

Speaker 1 (57:29):
You know, that's beautiful.

Speaker 2 (57:32):
I'll pay him back. I'll pay him back.

Speaker 1 (57:35):
You've had a lot of figures in your life that
have been important at different times, and of course, as
you mentioned, earlier, like Daddy Yankee was in that mixtape
time and you know, growing you and then of course
I believe the relationship didn't go is you know, relationships
fizzle out and don't always work the same. Have you
found a way to reconcile those relationships as well or
are you kind of sometimes like if it didn't work out,

(57:56):
part ways move on.

Speaker 2 (57:58):
Well. The only persons who I have had situations like
that old person was that a Yankee, and me and
him were better than ever. He texted me. I think
it was yesterday or today. He's in church now, he's
with God now one hundred percent, and I'm really happy
for him and he knows what I've been going through
and all that, and we've talked before, we had conversations,

(58:20):
and you know, me and him are like better than
ever now. So I can't say forgiveness because he didn't
do anything to me. If we could say it was
the other way around. He always tried to be the
big brother, and I always try to be the wreck
getting that a Yankee out of the situation. Any any
person that I've had problem with that's done something to me,

(58:43):
I forgive and I feel better because the forgiveness is
not for them, It is for yourself, you know. And
I feel better. You know, I've had problems even here today.
I have a friend. He's right here with me, and
we didn't talk to each other for I don't know,
four years or something like that. Was mad. We had
a bad situation, and now we're joking in the car

(59:03):
like nothing happened. I think that's the way it should be.
Life is too short, you know, and to hold crushes
and be mad and shit and be mad with people.
Just go back to people. And they gave me so
much in a moment that it's it's crazy like not
to be with them. They could help too, you know.

(59:26):
You know, people up and sometimes do things that other
people will never forgive. Now I'm gonna tell you this though,
I forgive, but I'll never forget. And with that, I'll
say everything.

Speaker 1 (59:39):
Last year when I went on my World tour, something
that I was doing throughout the show was I was
creating moments of growth, but that would discomfort for people
from the audience. I would bring people up and I
would guide them and coach them through an uncomfortable situation
in their life. So at the end of the show, oh,

(01:00:01):
there was this one moment that we did across the world.
So we did have forty shows across the world, and
I would ask people in the audience if there was
someone in their life that they loved but that they
haven't talked to in five, ten, fifteen years, and people
had crazy stories. There were people who hadn't talked to
their kids for ten years, brothers and sisters who hadn't

(01:00:21):
talked for five years. You know, people who hadn't talked
to their ex for seven years.

Speaker 2 (01:00:26):
Whatever.

Speaker 1 (01:00:26):
All these stories, and I'd invite someone on stage who
felt comfortable, I'd cut them through it and they'd have
to I'd ask them to call that person on stage
in front of everyone, but not tell them that they
were at an event, and share how they really felt.
And it was amazing man to see, Like, out of
the forty phone calls, twenty went to voicemail, but twenty
went through to the person. And it wasn't about a

(01:00:48):
happy ending, or it wasn't about like a perfect reconnection.
It was about what you said. Life was too short
to carry that weight of I loved this person and
I haven't said it, or I used to really appreci
shared this friend and I we lost touch. We fell
out over nothing, or maybe we fell out over something.
When you're reconnecting with people in your life, what's been

(01:01:09):
the thing that's allowed you to have the courage to
do that? Like you've done it with your mom, You've
done it with daddy, Yankee, Like, where's that coming from?

Speaker 2 (01:01:16):
That's just Nikki. I only have one friend that I
didn't talk to that I had problems with, is the
one I just told you. I'm the stupid one that
always forgive people. When I say stupid, it's because that's
what people tell me, you know, not because I think
I'm stupid. Because I forgive people and I reconnect with

(01:01:37):
them again. I just I don't care. I just don't care.
It don't affect me anymore. Because something affect me in
the moment that I forget, it makes me forget. I
don't know why. It's just the way I am. I
don't stay with that shit here. Probably it makes me
a better person, I feel No, Probably it makes me
a person, a happier person. I feel that I'm a

(01:01:59):
happier person because of that. I'm not saying I'm perfect.
I'm not saying I don't go through ship. Yes, I
have a whole bunch of situations of life, but I
have better quality of life because I forgive. I have
no problem with forgiveness. I have no problem with sitting
in the car with somebody that me in the past.

(01:02:24):
I have no problem with that. I don't feel like
some people with the ego the month like, oh yeah,
I'm gonna get you. I don't have that situation. If
I love you back again, I love you back again.
You know. It's just the way I am, you know.
And I don't want people to be like me. I
just want people to do whatever you do to make

(01:02:46):
you happy. You know, whatever whatever makes you happy, just
do it. That's that's what I do. I ain't trying
to live like the way people tell me to. I'm
trying to live the way life, the way I'm happy.
You know. That's just the way I am.

Speaker 1 (01:03:00):
Does not apply to you as well. Do you think
you can forgive yourself easily as well?

Speaker 2 (01:03:07):
You know, I've never seen me in a situation where
I do not forgive, where I need forgiveness for myself
because I've done people things to people. I've been a
good human being to people, you know, stuff I've done
in the streets and stuff like that are to people
that it's really bad people, you know. So I don't

(01:03:27):
know if I need their forgiveness, you know, But I
feel good about me as a human being. You know.
I'm happy, and I'm proud of myself. I've helped my family,
I've helped people in the streets. I've helped my friends.
If I buy a motorcycle, we all have motorcycles. If

(01:03:50):
I eat, we all eat. That's just the way I am.
The guy in the corner. If he's there, he ain't eating,
Come eat with me. You know what I'm saying. I
like helping people. I enjoy the smiles on people's face
when I help them. I'm proud of myself because I'm
that human being. If I wasn't that human being, I
would be I'm not a selfish mother. I will never

(01:04:13):
be that guy. I see movies where people help other
people that I cry tears like that. My girl's been
with me in the same room and she see me
crying like a girl in movies. Why Because I'm a
good human being. When you're a good human being and
you see people doing good, you cry. But if you
see shit like that and you don't give up. I

(01:04:35):
just think you're a piece of shit too. That's just
the way I am, because you don't care. Why would
you not care? Why would you Why wouldn't you see
somebody helping somebody else? Don't see that? And why wouldn't
that That not affect you? It affects me in a
good way, and it's like shit, So I'm proud of

(01:04:57):
myself as a human being. I'm proudly who I am.
I'm proud that I like helping people. I'm proud that
I'm a real person. I'm proud that I'm a person
that if I go I'll say it. Oh you know,
that's just the way I am. And I'm not perfect.
I'll never be perfect, and I'll up tomorrow and I'll fall,
but I'll wake up and I'll clean my shit, keep going.

Speaker 1 (01:05:20):
You know, why did you say you were going to retire?
When you said today, You're like, I would never have
done that. And then what has inspired insomnia? What part
of your heart and mind is that drinking?

Speaker 2 (01:05:34):
Drinking makes you say stupid things, makes you get depressed,
makes you see everything it's not really And that's what
was going on in that situation, and it made me
post a thing that I was retired and I'm not retiring,
never have No, I will never retire. Music is my life.

(01:05:56):
Music is everything for me. But that's what an alcohol
do up your judgment, you know what I'm saying. And
I've been through that a lot. For some reason, it
made me not care in that moment. Once I stopped drinking,
I'm like, hell no, I erased that video and everything,
but naw, I'm not retiring. You was asking about.

Speaker 1 (01:06:16):
Them or the album? Yeah, what's that been inspired by?
With this whole new journey you're on right now?

Speaker 2 (01:06:21):
Like you said, if you listen to the whole album
and Tonia, all the songs has something to do with
the nighttime and me drinking and me partying and me
going crazy and me smoking and me my love life
and stuff like that. So the album has that situation

(01:06:45):
that I've been going through these last years. Music is
my art of expression and I took my time to
do this album and I think it's one of the
best albums I ever done. Everything is just everything has
the same color. The album cover is amazing. It's really

(01:07:08):
what I've been through. It Like, if you see the picture,
you would automatically say okay this I could understand him
just seeing his face. The songs from the number one
song to the fifteenth song, and not only that. Apart
from that, this song Insomnia, that's the single that's coming

(01:07:31):
out for me, is going to be a global hey,
because I went hard on this song. It talks about
the situation of my drinking and all that, but at
the same time, it's a sad song, but it's a
happy song. It's crazy, like if you listen to it,
you will never imagine the way it started because it

(01:07:53):
started as a slow R and B sad song. And
I told my boy, the guy that wrote the song
with me, Sneaker is a badass. By the thanks, I
was telling him, Yo, the song is badass, but we
need an upbeat. We need to make this ship up
beeat man, we need a ship. This song is too
good to be just one of the one of the

(01:08:14):
songs in the album, you know, just one of the songs.
And I was like, hell no, we need to make
this ship a mother hit. And I said, let's do
matt Inga. And I was in the bathroom of my girl.
I started around, you know what I'm saying, like singing
this song. I did it with my mouth, and I said,

(01:08:36):
I call her. I called her producers, like, yo, let's
try to do this, and we took it that route,
and bro, I think we cooked the mega hit. So
I think the album is just me expressing myself of
what I've been through these last years. And uh, at
the same time, it made good ass music. So I

(01:08:58):
want people to enjoy it. I want people to have
fun with this album. And uh, you know, sit down
and analyze the lyrics because everything, every song has a
little something that tells you about what I've been through
and what I've been going through these last years.

Speaker 1 (01:09:14):
I know it's something amazing. When you start talking with
the album, you went completely still.

Speaker 2 (01:09:18):
When I when you start.

Speaker 1 (01:09:19):
Talking about the music, your whole buddy and lay everything
went completely still, completely still. If everyone rewinds, it just
goes back to that change just you when you were
locked in talking about the music and the album.

Speaker 2 (01:09:30):
I mean, it's my heart, man, it's my art, it's
what makes it's my psychology, psycho it was psychology. It's
my psychology, you know. I feel like it.

Speaker 1 (01:09:42):
Uh.

Speaker 2 (01:09:42):
It tells my story, it tells my situation. It makes
me happy in a way where I could like express
myself and we're always misunderstood as artists, and there's no
better way to uh clear the misunderstandings out of your art,
you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (01:10:01):
Yeah, what's something that people don't know about you that
you wish they did?

Speaker 2 (01:10:06):
I don't know. I'm so open.

Speaker 1 (01:10:08):
Yeah, that's that's why I asked. I was like, I'm
so so much of it.

Speaker 2 (01:10:12):
I tell people the way I am. I don't care.
I speak what I think. It's really hard.

Speaker 1 (01:10:17):
What's something people misunderstand about you that you'd like to clarify.

Speaker 2 (01:10:22):
It could be my situations in my relationships. A lot
of people see me jumping around from relationship relationship, Well,
not jumping around, but let's say I've had a lot
of relationships that haven't worked, and for some reason, people
think that I just I'm just unstable and not necessarily unstable.
I just think that sometimes it doesn't work, and it's

(01:10:44):
not easy being an artist and doing what I do
and having stable relationships. And if you've seen my past
and you see what I've been through, you can't expect
me to have the typical picket white fence relationship. You know,
It's just that's not the way it works. You know,
I didn't have that in my house, so why should
I have that now? And I'm always on the road,

(01:11:06):
and it's just really hard. It's not like I'm a
picky guy. I don't care and I just throw away
girls like nothing, you know, But I don't care about that.
I don't get At the end of the day, people
will never understand you one hundred percent. And you can't
try to make people understand you. You don't need to.
You know, I mby old people and they're sixty years

(01:11:29):
old and seventy years old. I don't give off. They
don't care, wake up in the morning and take a pill, eat,
want to sleep, and they don't stress about anything. But
in your age and my age, we are like life.
I gotta make money, you know what I'm saying. Like

(01:11:50):
I want to be them. I want to not give
a you know, I want to not care. I want
to just enjoy life, Enjoy my friends, enjoy my family,
enjoy my girl, enjoy my fans. Whoever are my fans,
Because there's fans and there's people that are not your
fans are just talking shit. Fans don't talk shit. Real
fans are there with you. No matter what you go through,

(01:12:14):
have you up, you're down, you're fat, you're skinny, dead
or live. They're fans, So shout out to my real fans.
I love you mother to death for sure for sure.

Speaker 1 (01:12:27):
How hard was the gastric bypass surgery you went through? Ah?
Was it very physically challenging? Was it?

Speaker 2 (01:12:37):
It was stressful when I was in bed before the surgery,
But after that, man, it was awesome. I enjoyed I
do that, I'll do it again. I enjoyed it a lot,
you know, and it helped me a lot. A lot
of stuff was messing up my stomach, like food that
I was eating. Now I don't have that situation. You know.

(01:12:57):
I feel better, better health, play basketball like I'm twenty
years old. I'm good. You know, I feel good. I
enjoyed a lot to help me, a lot, a lot
of food that I couldn't eat before I could eat now,
you know, healthy food. Yeah. So yeah, I mean it
was a hard process after because you know, you're just

(01:13:18):
drinking liquids and shit. But once you can start eating
the you know.

Speaker 1 (01:13:22):
How long do you have to be on liquids for?

Speaker 2 (01:13:24):
I think it's like two weeks?

Speaker 1 (01:13:25):
Oh wow, just liquids.

Speaker 2 (01:13:27):
Liquids in two weeks is not easy.

Speaker 1 (01:13:29):
That's not easy.

Speaker 2 (01:13:30):
I've eating popsicles. I was eating popsicles a whole time, like.

Speaker 1 (01:13:36):
Nikki. It's been such a joy getting to know you, man,
and I appreciate the honesty, the vulnerability, and it's impressive
to just see how aware you are of everything going
on when you've been through so much. You've had some
incredible life experience, and to be standing where you are,
with being having the ability to look in the mirror
and be able to see yourself and your challenges, it's

(01:13:59):
it's really special, and.

Speaker 2 (01:14:00):
So I appreciate you. And at the end of the day,
there's this therapy for me too, you know, So I
appreciate you. Sometimes we need it, of course, I think
probably most of the times we need it.

Speaker 1 (01:14:11):
So of course for.

Speaker 2 (01:14:12):
Me having you, you know, you know, make me talk.
All of this makes me live a lot better and
have a better day today. So I appreciate you so much.
I hope that all the people enjoy the show and
enjoy what we talk today and you know, learn from
what they hear and see it as a constructive way

(01:14:32):
and not a negative way, you know, because sometimes people
they try to see things in a negative way. But like
I said, I've learned this more. Stupid is the stupid
that argues with the stupid. I don't argue with stupid
people anymore. I just I ain't trying to be stupid anymore.

(01:14:56):
Say like that, So I just sit back and enjoy
life and keep gone. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 (01:15:01):
We end every interview with the fast five, which means
you have to answer every question in one word to
one sentence maximum. So you can have one word to
one sentence for each question. So I'll ask you a
fast five. It's a light lightning round. So I say,
I can answer it one word or one sentence. You
can give me one full sentence, but no more than that.

Speaker 2 (01:15:20):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (01:15:20):
The first question is what is the best advice you've
ever heard or received?

Speaker 2 (01:15:24):
Live life?

Speaker 1 (01:15:26):
Second question, what is the worst advice you've ever heard
or received?

Speaker 2 (01:15:30):
Don't live in Colombia.

Speaker 1 (01:15:32):
Did someone say that to you? That's funny? How many
times did you hear that?

Speaker 2 (01:15:36):
A lot? Okay? And they said I was stupid? I was.
I was like, literally like I was going to mess
up my career and look what it gave me.

Speaker 1 (01:15:44):
Question number three, your funniest memory or the silliest memory
of you can give more than one sentence.

Speaker 2 (01:15:51):
Oh, I have a funny story the way I threw you.
So I'm at this club. I'm at this club right,
this this happening, and it's a kind of long story though.

Speaker 1 (01:16:09):
Tell us.

Speaker 2 (01:16:11):
So I'm at this club right, I'm at a VIP party.
There's some girls there and stuff like that. And this big,
strong guy was ripped like this. He had so many muscles.
He looked like a body bolt or something like that.
He's like, yo, I want to go into the vi P.
And I didn't really want him to come in because

(01:16:31):
I know he was problems, you know what I'm saying.
So I'm like, yo, you I don't know. I don't
work here. You talk to the to the to the bouncers,
and he looks at me. He's like, I'm going to
destroy you. Like what you said said, I'm going to
destroy you like ship. I'm like what And I punched

(01:16:51):
him boom and he goes, this is the best you have.
I'm like yeah, I'm like it didn't hurt. So he
punched me really hard. Boom And he punches me really
hard and then he takes me against the wall. My
neck like that, and he's and he's hitting me, and

(01:17:15):
I'm calling my boys, and my boys are not looking
at me. And I had a watch in that moment,
and a big, big, heavy watch, and I take the
watch and I hit him in the head with the
watch and he doesn't let me. He still doesn't let
go of me. He has blood coming out. And then
the bouncers pick him up. The bouncers take him, and
then when the bounce's taking I go like it's like,
see you do mess for me. And then they let
him go, like yo, take get him again, ghet him again.

(01:17:37):
They pick him up, and then we get into this limo. Right,
we get to the limo, and we imagine how oldest
story is. I'm in a limbo. I'm telling my boys, like, yo, bro,
you guys said help me. This got me up. He's
and then out of nowhere, they throw a bottle at
the limo and then the little Mexican dudes like this
guy wants some problem, I say, and I'm like, yo, yo, yo, yo,

(01:17:59):
you don't understand. This guy is not a human being.
Do not stop. I hit him with everything, watches everything.
It's not a human being. And he wanted to stop.
He wanted to fight with the guy, but I knew
the guy was The guy was a hulk, you know
what I'm saying. So they take me to the hotel.
You know what I'm saying. I'm all heard. I'm in
the bed and then out of nowhere, I hear the

(01:18:21):
dog going boom boom boom boom boom, and I hear
that what this three like, I'm going to destroy you
and I'm screaming and all that. Then it was my boys.
They were making fun of me. They were making fun
of man. But the story doesn't end there. Years go by,

(01:18:43):
years go by, I'm talking about I don't know, probably
like ten years, I don't know, twelve years. I'm at
I'm at that Caadias where where I had this situation,
and guess who I found next to me. This guy
comes to me strong, not that not that strong at
that time, and he's like, you know who I am?

(01:19:03):
And I'm like, no, man, it's like, I'm that guy
from that club you had a problem, Like oh yeah,
you're the destroying guy. And he's like oh yeah. It's
like I'm sorry. I just want to say I'm sorry.
You know, the stereoards was messed up with me, and
I got messed up, and I just want to say
that if you never need security, you have me, and

(01:19:25):
blah blah blah. And then he became a.

Speaker 1 (01:19:27):
Friend and now he's outside. It's your security now.

Speaker 2 (01:19:30):
Wish. I wish the story was that cool. But that
was just one of the stories stories I could tell you.
But that's a good story. So many stories. Man, that's
a good pick.

Speaker 1 (01:19:40):
I like that. That's a great story.

Speaker 2 (01:19:42):
I loved it.

Speaker 1 (01:19:43):
Question numberfore, what chapter title would you give this phase
of your life? If it was a chapter in your book,
what would this chapter title be called?

Speaker 2 (01:19:52):
And nice?

Speaker 1 (01:19:54):
And question number five it's the question we asked to
every guest who's ever been on the show. Final question.
If you could create one rule or one law that
everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be.

Speaker 2 (01:20:06):
Everybody give yourselves a hug. That will be my rule.
I like that, everybody give yourselves a hug. That would
just be my rule because I think the world needs
a hug. This world's going crazy and every day is
going more crazy, and this ship is making it more crazy.
I'm sorry, Steve Jobs, we need a hug. I love it.

Speaker 1 (01:20:30):
Nikki jam everyone in some years out now September sixth, Uh, Nikki,
this is such a such a joy. I've laughed, I've
been reflecting with you. I feel like I've been in
your pain with you. I'm so grateful that you just
open up. One of the realist people I've ever met, so.

Speaker 2 (01:20:46):
Raw, so I appreciate you, so vulnerable. I'm grateful. Man.

Speaker 1 (01:20:49):
I hope I get to spend more time with yourself.
You will looking forward to.

Speaker 2 (01:20:52):
If you ever go to Miami, hit me up.

Speaker 1 (01:20:54):
I won't let you know.

Speaker 2 (01:20:54):
No. Yeah, I promise on one drink you can drink.

Speaker 1 (01:20:58):
Man, you can do what every job. Thank you so much,
I thank you, thank you. If this is the year
that you're trying to get creative, you're trying to build more,
I need you to listen to this episode with Rick
Rubin on how to break into your most creative self,
how to use unconventional methods that lead to success, and
the secret to genuinely loving what you do. If you're

(01:21:21):
trying to find your passion and your lane, Rick Rubin's
episode is the one for you.

Speaker 2 (01:21:26):
Just because I like it, that doesn't give it any value,
like as an artist. If you like it, that's all
of the value that's the success comes when you say
I like this enough for other people to see it.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Host

Jay Shetty

Popular Podcasts

40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season

Dateline NBC

Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Nicky Jam: How to Forgive Yourself From the Past & Free Yourself From Shame and Trauma