Stephan Labossiere ON: Signs You are Wasting Your Time in Relationships & How to Be Vulnerable to Attract Real Love

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You have to be honest with yourself about why are
you still here, Why are you holding on what's really
driving you? You don't feel like starting the process over
with somebody else, So even though you're not feeling it
with him, you're wasting your time. The best selling author
and host the number one healthy wellness podcast. Hey everyone,
welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast

(00:22):
in the world. Thanks to each and every one of
you that come back every week to become happier, healthier,
and more healed. And today's guest is here to help
us do that. In love, in relationships, in the area
of our life that we value so deeply but often
make so many mistakes around. I'm speaking to Stefan Labossier,

(00:43):
a certified relationship coach, a speaker, and author. Stepan seizes
every opportunity to help both men and women overcome the
challenges that hinder their relationships. Stefan is highly sought after
because he's able to dispel the myths of relationship, your
breakdowns and obstacles platonic, romantic, and otherwise with finesse. Stefan's

(01:06):
new book is out now called Best of Me, and
I can't wait to dive into this conversation Stefan, It's
been a long time coming. I can't believe this the
first time we're actually sitting together. I've watched your videos,
I've read quotes like it's it's been amazing watching you man,
and congrats on everything, saying yet appreciate that. Yeah, it's good,
it's good to be with you. And I think let's

(01:27):
just dive right in because I think me and you
can can really get into this. What are the signs
that someone deeply loves you? Because I feel like we
live in this world where we're always wondering do they
love me? Do they like me? Do they really like me?
Are they really into me? How do you know when
you deeply love someone? And when someone deeply loves you?

(01:49):
How do you even know? So I'm gonna start with
an answer that people probably won't expect. To me, The
first key is do you truly love them? Because look
at it like this. To me, a lot of people
get caught up in infatuation. They have unhealthy attachments, They
have different motivations to why they decided this is the
person that I want, and that can make them feel

(02:12):
like they're in love. But to me, true love flows
both ways. It's not a one sided thing. So when
you can say I'm not into them like that, if
we look deep into that situation, I can almost guarantee
what we'll find is infatuation, attachment, something else. But when
you can say no, I feel it too, I'm deeply

(02:32):
in love with them, I think that's your first key,
because without that, nothing else matters. Because a lot of
people are choosing partners based off of what they love
me so much so I assume it's safe here, and
this is a good choice to make. But the safe
choice is usually the wrong choice, and a lot of
these people select this individual thinking everything's gonna be okay.

(02:54):
But because you're not really into them, you can never
be what they need, and they were never truly what
you needed, which is why you never even got to
that level with them. So to choose them without first
evaluating do you truly love them? Would not be wise. Yeah,
that's a that's a great question, and I think people
struggle with that question too, because I think we think

(03:14):
of love as so many different things wrapped into one.
For example, I could think I love someone because of
how they treat me. I could think I love someone
because they have one quality that I really wish I had,
or I could love someone because I think that they're

(03:34):
out of my league and they give me a bit
of attention. And so what we think is love is
so complex and so wide that we never stop to
ask ourselves like what does love mean? Like what's the
definition of love? Like how do I define love? So
how do you define love? And how do you encourage
other people to create their definitions of love? Well, for me,

(03:57):
first off is always God is love. And then when
we take it from their love is about kindness, compassion, patience, understanding,
a willingness to be selfless important into that individual. But
I think what's also important for people to understand is
when we're trying to apply it to romantic relationships, we

(04:18):
have to understand that there's other ingredients that are necessary
before we can move forward. So you could love someone dearly,
but if they are not emotionally ready, because maybe they
haven't healed from their past, maybe there's still some things
they need to work out in their life, then it
wouldn't be time to move forward in a relationship with them.
And we have this bad habit of the minute we

(04:38):
feel like there's love there, we want to move forward exactly.
And as you mentioned, we can get caught up sometimes
in what we love them because of what they do
for us, But what are you prepared to do for them?
Love is about giving, all right, So we have to
ask ourselves, Okay, do we know what their needs are?
Are we willing to fulfill those needs? Because if not,
maybe this wasn't love. Maybe it just felt good in

(05:00):
the moment. Maybe you got caught up in the hype.
And that's okay. It happens to almost all of us,
if not all of us, at some point in life.
But we have to just be very clear of ourselves
about what's really driving the intention right now. But I
think all those things I mentioned is what encompasses love,
and that's like the foundation of it. And then from

(05:21):
there we have to look at some other things to
see how we can move forward. So many times you
convince yourself something's love. And what I find really interesting
is that so many people fall in love too fast,
and no one wants to go for the slow, patient
understanding love, which is what love requests. You just said,

(05:41):
love is kind, love is patient, love is understanding. Those
things take time. I think those things take time to
nurture and to make sure that we're doing it correctly
for each other. So it's about learning each other's love
languages and how we make it work within that dynamic.
I think also because so many people are not used
to dealing with emotions on that level, being that vulnerable

(06:05):
people mishandle it all right, So it takes time for
us to get to a place so we understand how
to manage this and work through this. However, I think
that I'm a huge believer in connection, and I believe
connection is like your spirit recognizing its match, and it's
very instant. When you speak to couples who said they
experience a connection, they'll tell you first conversation, first time, meeting,

(06:28):
first day, first week, it was pretty fast. So to me,
the recognizing of something deeper being here can happen very quickly.
But how we now cultivate that and how we move
forward is where we need to take our time and
make sure we're not rushing and overlooking certain important issues
that need to be discussed and addressed. First, to me,

(06:50):
it's the understanding of canistry events, his compatibility, and the
idea that there needs to be a spot, there needs
to be a connection that I feel with someone, like
you say, on a deeper level, But I find that
I find that most people are not adept and knowing
whether the connection they feel with someone is deeper or physical. Ye, Like,

(07:11):
I would say that it's easy to You can often
feel a spark with if you meet a lot of people.
You can feel a spark with a lot of people,
But that doesn't mean that they're the right person to
build a relationship with. Right, So connection to me is
a very rare occurrence, right, Yes, So I feel that
people who've actually experienced it, they can tell you maybe

(07:31):
once in their life, if you're lucky, two times maybe
all right, But it's not this thing that happens with everybody.
Whereas chemistry, feeling a spark, these things can happen with
a lot of different people. So I do think there's
this education that's needed to understand how we differentiate these
things so that we don't confuse them, because I see

(07:52):
a lot of people take that chemistry and think, oh,
this is it, this is the one. It's like, but
you had chemistry with the last five people. Why is
this one the one and not them? So I do
think we have to be careful with that. Yeah, I
think so we're on the same pas. There's three things.
There's connection on the deeper level, there's chemistry, which is
like the spark on a more superficial level, and then

(08:13):
there's compatibility, which is like what makes it last. And
I can relate to that with my wife, I definitely
felt so I'm one of those people who I kind
of knew from the first few moments when I met
my wife before she was my wife was like I
was like, yeah, this is my person, Like I felt
that way. Yeah, for sure, I felt that connection and

(08:33):
there was chemistry there too, but it had to be
turned into compatibility in order to create a long lasting relationship.
We've been together for ten years, we're still learning, building,
going through everything. But that was a big part of it.
So that I can get behind is do you see
it that way too, or is there something different in
so how it believe it or not. I used to
make compatibility the least important, but that was because I

(08:56):
was looking at it the wrong way. Once I kind
of looked at the definitely again, and compatibility is about
two people co existing in harmony, then I was like, okay, no,
you have to have that. I just I got caught
up more so in like, let's say a dating site says, okay,
we're going to decide who's compatible. So I view compatible
as like and on the paper it looks good, it's

(09:17):
supposed to match. But you can have a lot of
people who are supposed to be compatible and it doesn't
work absolutely. So I think that it's compatibility is that
add on. Once we have the connection and the chemistry,
now we have to create that harmony, which is the compatibility. Yes,
I agree with you, And it is interesting how that
word compatibility is thrown around and you're so right that

(09:40):
compatibility on paper doesn't mean compatibility in real life exactly.
And to me, compatibility really as another word inside of it,
which is like adaptability and that deeper understanding of an
individual where you know how much you're willing to adapt

(10:02):
around certain parts of the relationship. But we'll get to that.
I think a lot of people like you know, and
that's where we got into this conversation around what is slow.
A lot of people are waiting to feel like is
this person wasting my time or day the one and
so they don't have a deeper connection. Maybe they had
that spark of chemistry, and now that's kind of subsided.

(10:25):
How do you know if someone's wasting your time? How
do you know if you're letting yourself be used or
wasted in that way? So to me, again, I think
it always starts with self and you have to be
honest with yourself about why are you still here, why
are you holding on what's really driving you? Because just
use an example, let's say you're a woman and the

(10:46):
only reason why you're holding onto his guys because he's
a nice guy. You don't feel like starting the process
over with somebody else. So even though you're not feeling
it with him, you figure, let me try to make
it work. You're wasting your time. This is where you're
setting us off a disaster every single time. So if
it's not born out of a true connection love, a

(11:07):
genuine desire you really like this individual. Of course, there's
always things we have to work through, but is the
foundation strong enough for us to say, okay, we can
make something special here? And I think once we are
honest with ourselves, that kind of helps answer the question.
Because sometimes we get so caught up trying to analyze
the other individual that it's like we get in our heads,

(11:29):
and now we're missing the mark on what's really important here,
And we can't always say for sure what's going on
with them. I will say that in general, if this
person isn't willing to talk about things, they're wasting your time.
If they're not willing to address or correct things that
have been talked about, they're wasting your time. If you
guys aren't on the same page about what you want

(11:50):
and where you want to go in life, wasting time.
So there are some things I think we can just
look at and say, listen, this is pointless here. But
a lot of times, and I have to say this,
especially for women, women's intuition is extremely powerful. I'm a
huge believer in it, and I feel like women know
very early this isn't it, but they rationalize reasons to

(12:11):
convince themselves to give this man a chance. And this,
again is a waste of time because it just doesn't work.
I've seen people turn what should have been maybe a
couple weeks of dating into years of being married to
someone they were not happy with, all because they did
not listen to themselves from the beginning. They knew what
it was, but they just could not accept it for

(12:32):
what it was yeah, And I love that point in
an intuition. It's almost like when a relationship finally ends,
a lot of us think to ourselves, I knew they
weren't right, Like I knew it. I knew that they
weren't the one, but you just didn't listen to that
part of yourself. Yes, So let's break it down for people,
let's help people out. We started doing about three very

(12:54):
important words. Connection, which you defined, chemistry, which we've defined,
in compatibility, which we've find How do people know the
difference between connection and chemistry when they meet someone? Because
I find that the science shows that you're experiencing dopamine
and cortisol at the same time, So you're experiencing the

(13:17):
reward chemical and stress chemical at the same time, which
gives you that chemistry feeling, which is the feeling of
butterflies in your stomach, or like do they like me?
Or they into me? What should I wear? That kind
of feeling. But then you're talking about a deeper connection.
How do you hear the difference? Because I think a
lot of us just get swept up in the feeling

(13:37):
of so into that person, they're so into me. How
do you know so I think one is are you
even being yourself or can you be yourself with this individual?
If you're presenting your representative, then this is not a
real connection. This is them falling for that person that
you're presenting. But that's not real. So to me, you

(13:59):
should be already being yourself. But with that person you
have a connection with, it's a more natural flow. We
don't have to force it. We just feel so much
more comfortable around them. I think in addition to that
is when you find yourself all caught up in the
moment and caught up in that chemistry again, you have
to ask yourself, what am I really attaching myself to?

(14:20):
What do I really like about this individual? What I
find is that when it's really about chemistry, we're still
on the surface. You don't really know about them yet.
You just know you guys had a good time. Maybe
you had fun at this event. You guys were able
to talk about a lot of different things, which is great,
which is gonna also be important if there is a connection. However,

(14:43):
do you even know what kind of relationship they want?
Do you know kind of life they want to live?
You know, are you guys really on the same page?
I think connection is our paths align, our purposes align.
So for us to align, we have to have a
deeper understanding of where we're headed and can we head
there together. So that's why I think though you may

(15:03):
feel it, or you may feel like you're feeling it,
you have to do your due diligence to dig deeper
to find out Okay, it's just just I got caught
up on the surface, or there is something real here. Yeah,
I think once we ask enough questions, because I think
that's the other big problem. We have this experience where
we feel this chemistry, we're so excited, and now we're

(15:24):
afraid to ask questions because we don't want to blow
up the fantasy. Yes, you know what I'm saying. We're
just like, no, no, I want to keep believing this
is great. So let me not ask anything, let me
not run this person away, let me not rock the boat.
But that's gonna be what tells us if this is
real or not. Yes, I think you're I think you've
hit on something there, Like we're so scared of losing

(15:45):
someone that we're okay with not asking important questions and
discovering important truths that actually define whether this relationship is
gonna last, and that is ultimately, going back to your
point earlier, that is ultimately you not being yourself right,
You're losing yourself, scared that you're going to lose the

(16:05):
other person, So you're okay with not being yourself? Do
you think it's ever okay? This is a funny question,
I think, but I have to ask you because I
think it's a healthy discussion. Do you think it's ever
okay to present different sides of yourself in order to
attract someone or do you think that you're ultimately setting
yourself up for failure in a relationship? Almost like I

(16:29):
think a lot of people they may not become someone
completely different, but I think a lot of people are like, oh,
I'm going to show my smart side because it will
attract this person, or I'm going to show my this
side because they'll like that. Are you saying any of
that kind of molding is unhealthy or do you think
there's room for that. I think anything that is not
sustainable is unhealthy. So look at it as if I'm

(16:52):
a man and I'm meeting this woman and I want
to impress her. So I'm like, Okay, I'm going to
try to spend all my money, take a nice five
star restaurant, these things, but deep inside, I prefer a
more simple lifestyle. You know, I don't like all that
extra stuff. Okay, that's horrible. That's a self for disaster.
That's unhealthy because you can't sustain what you're presenting to

(17:13):
that individual that's gonna draw them in, So whatever it is.
Another like common example is you'll have women who love
to communicate. They want to be able to talk to
you every single day, but because they're afraid of coming
off a certain kind of way, they'll hold back on
their communication. So now they'll make it seem like they're, Okay,
we're talking every now and then we don't always have

(17:34):
to text. And then this guy falls for that. He
falls for this low standard. I don't want to call
a low standard, but not having such a high expectation
of him when it comes to communication. Then he finally
gets with the woman. Her true self is gonna come
out at some point. No one can suppress their true
self forever it comes out. And now it's like, what

(17:54):
is this. I did not sign up for this. Now
we're fighting. Now we're stressed because you want him to
call you more he was used to you not being
worried about it so much. That's why it's going to
always not work out. So it's extremely unhealthy unless we're
presenting a side of us that is truly us and
we can sustain it. You've hit on something again that

(18:16):
at the beginning of relationships, we often display unrealistic standards,
and we set those and then when things shift and
now you're back in reality again, the other person's like,
but wait a minute, I thought you were really into me.
And I even went through that with my wife. When
we first met, I was able to spend pretty much

(18:38):
every day with her because I didn't have a job,
and so I was looking for work, I was applying.
I would go see her at her college every day
and I would spend the day with her, and I'd
be in the library applying for jobs while she was studying,
and I could see her every day, and I think
I saw her every day potentially for like six months,
maybe every single day, five days a week at least.

(18:59):
And then when I got a job, that wasn't the
case anymore because I was at work now and I'd
set this unrealistic expectation that we could see each other
all the time. And even in the beginning, I would
see her all the time because I'd spend time with
her family, but we wouldn't spend time with my family
because I hadn't told my family yet. And so now

(19:20):
that my family knew, we were trying to split the time,
and all of a sudden, it was like, wait a minute,
we spend time at my house. And so even in
little things like that, it took a bit of adapting
because I'd set a false standard in our relationship. And
then thankfully my wife was adapting and she understood and
she got it, and it was fine. But I think
for so many people, you set unrealistic expectations in who

(19:42):
you are, yes, and that's hard to come back from, absolutely,
And that's why it's so important for us to know
who we are so that we can present the real
from the jump, you know, because again, a lot of
times people you know this idea that we're always changing. Yes,
I do think we're always evolving, but some the big
shift that you see, it's not because that's just the

(20:03):
way life is. It's because you didn't take the time
to figure yourself out first, and then you got with
this person, and now you want them to adjust. Now,
thank god for you, she was able to adjust. But
there's a lot of people that they can't handle that,
and now everything falls apart from there. So that's why, Yeah,
we have to be very careful with what we're presenting
from the beginning. Yeah, it's I agree with you and

(20:24):
that that we think people change, but actually they just
start to understand themselves exactly. They went from being completely
unconscious about who they were. You met an unconscious version
of a person, and now you think they're changing, but
they just became conscious of who they are. Think about

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(22:12):
Head over to Coda dot io forward slash on Purpose
that coo da dot io and get started for free
Coda dot io forward slash on Purpose. But the thing
is stefan. As you know, like society doesn't encourage that
time of getting to know yourself right when you're young.

(22:34):
You're not trained in how to think about who you
want to be. You're trained in thinking about what you
want to do. It's about your job, it's about your career.
You're not thinking about who you are as a human
being or as a person. So how do we in
this society where understanding who you are is not clear,
it's not encouraged. Where does one start or where have

(22:55):
you kind of found great insights in trying to discover
who we are. Would love to see more parents encouraging
their children to explore how they're feeling about who they are. Like,
what I have found is a lot of people who,
let's say I had one client where she wanted to
be an actress when she was a little kid, but

(23:17):
parents kind of push in a different direction. Now she's
like a social worker, for her desire is still to
be an actress. Like the things that they wanted to
do they want to do as an adult now you
can find back in their childhood in a lot of cases,
So I feel like too many people have stifled their
children's growth in certain areas with limited ideas of well,
this can't make money, or this wouldn't be a good

(23:39):
look for the family, or whatever the case may be.
It's like, no, let them walk in it and see
for themselves if that's really where they belong. Outside of that,
for me, I think the big thing is getting into
and spiritually, I'm just a huge believer in that. I
feel like me finding myself was when I went into
what I'll call my wilderness period. I kind of just
shut everything off. That was zom because I used to

(24:01):
be all over having fun, partying all these different things,
and then God kind of slapped me upside my head
and I had to really pull away from everything and
go deeper from within. And it felt like a process
of breaking me down to build me right back up.
And that's when I start to see things clearer, because
what I realized is the world is filled with distractions,

(24:22):
and it's the distractions why we can't see ourselves for
who we really are. If we simply shut off the
distractions long enough, you will learn a lot. So even
if someone just took a year off, don't worry, you know,
limit the TV you're watching, limit the music you're listening to,
limit all the Internet stuff. Just really go deeper within yourself,

(24:43):
spend more time alone, spend more time you know, thinking
and processing. You will learn a lot because again, a
lot of it is It isn't a problem of we
don't know ourselves. We are not aware and we're not
willing to accept. And once we allow ourselves to do
those two things, become aware and then accept it, we
become free. Yeah, I mean I agree with you. I

(25:04):
think that I've always been a big proponent of solitude
to understand who you are, because as soon as you
have another person, you now have another person's opinions you
have to filter. As soon as you have another person
in front of you have another person's judgments to filter,
and so now you can't even say what you truly
think about something because you're constantly thinking, what does that
person think about me and my beliefs? And so understanding

(25:29):
your beliefs in solitude allows you to be really clear
about what your values and beliefs are. And that's what
it's there for. I think when people get into if
we switch to compatibility again, the idea we talked about
the difference between connection and chemistry, but compatibility is really
interesting because a lot of people believe that relationship should

(25:52):
be hard and they require hard work, and a lot
of people believe relationships should be easy and everything should
just flow, where if you kind of discovered your lens
on that spectrum. So okay, there's a couple of ways
to look at it. I think that most relationships, and
I'll even be more specific, most relationships that involve connection

(26:14):
and true love are typically hard. Not because relationships have
to be hard, but because most people have been hurt
by something in their life are holding onto past traumas,
haven't resolved it. Once they meet this individual that they
feel so strongly about, it is scary. This is where

(26:35):
things get difficult. It's the difficultness and how do I
handle this? How do I manage this? You'll have people
feel like they're losing themselves, but they're not losing themselves.
The true self is coming out and it's the self
that's been hiding behind that wall they've been using for
quote unquote protection. But I always say, the same walls
people to protect you're the same walls blocking your blessings.

(26:55):
So now they're being pulled from behind it. It's makes
them feel some kind of way, and again people start
to mishandle things. You also have situations where people are
getting bad advice, Like I'm gonna give one example. There's
this a book called The Game by Neil strauss Off.
If you ever read that book, Neil, you know he

(27:17):
went to that world to pick up artistry, learned it,
and he was great with the women. But then once
he found that woman that he fell in love with,
all that stuff doesn't work anymore. So you have a
lot of men being taught how to handle women in general,
but they don't understand that's not how you handle the
women you truly love. And so now again you have
individuals who, though they are truly in love with this person,

(27:39):
they constantly mishandle it with bad guidance, with fear and
all these things. This is what makes it hard. And
I even think that a lot of times the people
who are supposed to be together sometimes will have the
hardest time getting together. But I believe that once we're
able to conquer that part of it and actually come

(27:59):
together other it's not hard. Yes, it takes work. I
believe we have to be conscious and mindful of how
we treat our partners, how we show up, being willing
to listen. But I think it's so much easier to
do those things with someone you have a connection with
and you're truly in love with. It's gonna always feel
ten times harder when you're in the wrong relationship. And

(28:20):
I would argue the vast majority of people are in
the wrong relationship. That's why they're seeing it be so difficult.
And when you see this whole it's easy. Typically it's
easy because you have two people who are not digging deeper.
They're trying to write out that chemistry we talked about
earlier for as long as possible, all right, So yeah,

(28:41):
it seems like it's great, it's easy, no issues, but
it doesn't really work like that because they're just not
facing the reality of the situation. So I think we
have to understand that there is going to be some
bumps in the road because of all the things that
people have been through. But once we're able to come
together and we know this is our partner, this is

(29:02):
who we want to share our life with, it can
get so much better. Yeah, And do you do you
think that people have just been given generally the wrong
education on how to deal with another person in that life?
One hundred percent, because unfortunately a lot of individuals are
giving advice from a bitter, hurt place there and they're

(29:24):
trying to disguise it as I'm just looking out for
you no you you having healed, and you cannot properly
guide them in a positive and loving manner. And I
think that a lot of people, you know, I always
say it's funny how we'll spend a lot of time
getting educated for the sake of our careers and business,
but we don't do the same for relationships. And yet

(29:46):
relationships arguably are even more important than that career business,
and even if it's not a romantic relationship, just relationships
in general. Your ability to coexist with others, connect with
others is extremely important. If you that businesses succeed, you
have to learn how to establish business relationships. There's no
way around it. So we have to learn how to

(30:06):
talk to people, listen to people, you know what I'm saying,
and just make things work when we come together with
other individuals. So I definitely think that we're just lacking
in a lot of education and again too many because
there's so many voices on the internet now, there's just
so much bad advice being given and the individuals giving it,

(30:30):
they may be giving like let's say eighty percent of
the advice is accurate, but it's that twenty percent that's
completely off that can derail everything, and that's the stuff
that people are gravitating too, and it's just causing a
lot of problems. Can you give us an example of
some of the like, not specific people or anything like that.
I just mean, like, could you give an example of

(30:51):
bad advice? And what about it is bad or unhealthy
for people to try and put into practice. Okay, So
one thing I heard recently was an individual told said,
some of the best advice he can give to men
is to not fall in love, you know, basically, just
find a woman you want to be with and kind
of keep it there. The reason why I view that
as horrible advice is because you sit down with any

(31:14):
man who's lived enough life, they will all be able
to say this has been at least one time they
fail deeply for a woman. All Right. The problem isn't
falling deeply for a woman. The problem is we don't
know how to handle it once we get there. The
problem is because we're not accustomed to handling and processing
our emotions a certain kind of way, and being this vulnerable,

(31:37):
we don't understand what's going to be required of us
in that moment. We also kind of lose sight of
because I'm a big believer in masculine and feminine energy.
And I believe that if she was attracted to you
because of that masculin energy that you give off, and
now you become this emotional wreck because you don't know
how to handle all these feelings you have for her,
well you start to become less attractive to her. And

(32:00):
it's not that it's not fixable. It's fixable, but again,
a lack of understanding and awareness derails of situation. So
rather than telling men don't fall in love because it's inevitable,
let's teach them how we walk in love, how we
may what I call loving in your masculine how you
maintain that energy and still be able to sup pour
into that woman in a way that allows relationship to flourish. Yeah,

(32:22):
and how does that work? When I think obviously a
lot of people in that example that you're giving. If
the person's attracted to someone because if their masculine energy,
but at the same time they want them to be
empathetic and compassionate and kind, which you're generally seen as
more feminine energy, how does that person balance the two

(32:44):
or is that is that not how you're explaining? Is
that no it's about balance. So we have to understand
we all have masculine feminist within us. I'm a believer
in one must be your dominant energy. The other is
the one you tap into when necessary. So as a man,
you can walk in your masculine and in those moments
tap into those things. But you can't just stay there

(33:06):
all the time, all right. You can't just become this needy,
emotional guy. That's not gonna work in the vast majority
of cases. And so what happens is there's this messaging
that's being thrown out there that women don't like good guys.
I don't believe that's what it is. I believe that
women become less attracted when you don't know how to
exude and walk in your masculine energy. It's and we're

(33:27):
hiding behind the label of good guy. You can be
a good guy and still exude masculine energy. And that's
the thing. And we also think that, oh, they like
bad boys. No, if you look deeper, it's really the
masculine energy that that quote unquote bad boy exudes. But
what they desire is a mixture of both, the same
way that we would want a mixture of both. We

(33:48):
would want a loving, sweet woman, feminine women, whatever. And
if you're a guy who wants a masculin woman, cool,
but you don't want her to be just that, you know,
you want her to have the ability to tap into
the other side and necessary. I think we all desire
that balance in our partner and I think it's healthy
and if we just learn how to maintain it and
how to nurture it, we would see greater success in relationships. Yeah,

(34:12):
what are some of the skills with mastering that energy
that you think we're missing out on and balancing that
energy and knowing when to be which And because the
reason why it's hard is I think we live in
a binary world, right Like, you feel like you have
to choose, Like you're either a bad boy or you're
good doer, or you're a thinker, you're a winner, or

(34:35):
you're a loser. Right Like, we think like that. And
so people go, Okay, I can either be masculine or
I can be feminine. And I definitely relate to what
you were saying, Like, I believe that there is a
lot about me that is massively masculine and energy using
that language in terminology, my drive, my ambition, how I
work my strategic mind, and at the same time, I

(34:57):
consider myself to have a lot of great feminine energy
and qualities where it comes to like empowering others and
nurturing and the ability to hold deep, compassionate space and
be empathetic, which are all powerful qualities for everyone, right
beyond gender. They're powerful qualities and I appreciate And it's
taken a long time to know when to be rich

(35:20):
and it's still and I still make mistakes, right, There's
still sometimes I'm like, I should have been more assertive
or I should have been more affectionate. So we live
in a world that finds it hard to hold two
opposing ideas at the same time. Yeah, we don't know
how to do that in any sphere of life, let
alone within ourselves. So what are some of the skills
that we can learn in order to nurture both those

(35:42):
energies in a healthy way inside of ourselves. So I
think one, it's going to require a lot of if
you're already in a relationship, it's going to boil down
to a lot of transparency and communication. You know her,
if you're that man trying to understand that woman, and
when you can walk in those two energies, her being
willing to be honest and open about you know what,
this was too much over here or I needed some

(36:04):
of this over here. And in time you're going to
become more aware and understanding. It's going to be like
second nature to you. You won't have to overthink it.
And I think part of it is not overthinking it.
It's kind of like being ourselves, but understand that we
have to learn when this is doing too much, and
vice versa. I also think that in reality, for a

(36:24):
lot of men, especially when we're talking about relationships and
kind of losing that mask and energy, the underlying issue
is fear. All right, when we become so afraid of
losing this woman, we lose ourselves. And so a lot
of men now fall into this very feminine, needy space

(36:45):
because they're just afraid. We have to learn that. Listen
to me. I feel if your partner thinks you're never
gonna walk away from them no matter what they do,
you've lost that's a horrible place to be in. We
have to get to a place where we both understand
that as long as we show up the way that
we need to show up for each other, we have
each other's back. We will be here, but neither of

(37:07):
us will tolerate an unhealthy relationship and someone who blatantly
does not want to work on making this better. I
would want the woman I'm with to feel that way,
and I need to feel that way. Once we understand that,
and you have the confidence of I can walk away
if I have to. That shifts your energy right there
in itself, and now you don't find yourself falling into

(37:27):
that place where again you start to look a lot
more unattractive. Or for some men, they become yes men
in their relationships, thinking that makes her happy, that's turning
her off. She doesn't want you to be her yes man.
She wants you to stand up for yourself sometimes, give
your opinion, give your perspective. She wants to be able
to you know, if anything, be able to have discussions
with you about these things, not just you say whatever

(37:49):
you want, whatever you want, whatever you want. Over time,
it becomes a problem. So I think that once we
conquer that fear, once we create a space where we
can talk about these moments and not feel some kind
of way. I think sometimes men are not They struggle
with taking the criticism from their partner men and women.

(38:09):
We all do when we feel we have actual feelings
for someone. You know, we don't care about you, it's
not as big of a deal, but we're emotionally invested.
We're more sensitive to it. But we have to understand
that these criticisms or for the sake of making things
better and strengthening this relationship. So once we can get
to that place, it's going to be so much easier
to grow in it. And then I think it's just

(38:30):
a matter of understanding that it's this balance isn't just
for your relationship. So look at it like from a
sports perspective. If I'm on a basketball team, there may
be moments where I need to take the lead and recognize,
all right, everyone else is down, somebody needs to step up.
This is my moment. And then there's other moments where
I realize, Okay, let's say we already have a team captain.

(38:53):
Let me show them that I can follow, serve, do
what needs to be done so that the team can win.
It's just becoming aware of what the moment requires, you know.
And again, I think the more in tune we get,
the more in tune we get with ourselves and the
more in tune we get with our partner, the easier
it becomes to find that balance. That's the challenge, right,

(39:13):
The challenge is just how much patience we have with
ourselves and others to realize that you walked into an imbalanced,
unbalanced situation, and now it's like how much patience how
much time are we going to give it to get
to that? Because the challenges I think we walk into
a situation thinking it's perfect, whereas we should be walking
into a relationship knowing it's imperfectly and we're going to

(39:36):
learn and figure it out together. And I think that's
what sets us up for failure, is because we walk
into it going it's perfect, and deep down we know
it isn't, but somehow we gloss over it. Whereas I
find when I know we're going to fight, when I
know we're going to argue, and I know there's going
to be disagreements, that sets me up to develop the

(39:57):
skills I need in order to navigate those things. But
if I assume, like, oh, we're never gonna fight, and
I always get that right. We always meet someone who
goes to I mean a friend who goes to me Jay,
We never fight I'm like, how long have you been together?
Because I don't I don't know anyone who never fights.
I get that, no one has to get to like, yeah,
the heights to fight, So I get that. I get

(40:18):
that it doesn't have to be a heated fight. But
I don't know anyone who doesn't disagree. There you go,
right right. I think that's important for people to understand. Yes,
you have some individuals out there that I'll say arguing
is normal, it's healthy. And to me, it's like, listen,
if we're talking about arguing, where we're now crossing disrespectful lines,
negative lines. You know, the way that we the tone

(40:39):
we take with each other, all these things, that's not healthy. Yes,
it may happen. You should be prepared for that, but
it does. Let's not normalize it, and it's gonna keep
doing this and it's it is what it is. But
you're right to be with each other long enough and
never have a disagreement. That's extremely rare, okay, extremely rare,

(41:00):
And I do think that again, as you mentioned, we
have to be ready for those moments. We have to
understand and going back to how we find that balance,
especially as men and even for women, it's recognizing. So,
for example, if my partner is in a very heated moment,
let's say she's in her masculine right now, all right,

(41:21):
she's getting rough. Well, meeting her with more masculine it's
probably going to only make things worse. This is the
time for me to be compassionate. Go to her, hold her,
calm her down, bring her peace in that moment, you see,
because we need to balance each other out. Same thing
on the flip side. If I'm all heated and I'm
extra passionate and then my woman now comes with that

(41:44):
same energy, that's it. Now we're butt in hands. This
is her moment to say no. Let me now be
the one to soften the moment up. Bring that sweetness
in there, and everybody calms down. So it's learning how
to feed off of each other and recognize it. Okay,
they're over here, let me bring it back over here,
and now we can work from that point and we're

(42:04):
both good. The problem is that we all see compassion
and sweetness and kindness in those moments as a weakness.
We don't want to be that person because we see
that as losing, We see that as giving in, we
see that as us losing our power and strength in
a relationship. If we become the comforter or if we

(42:25):
become the cara right like that, that's a perception. That
is the perception, and we have to change that. That
is the power position. So who is more powerful the
person that lets the energy dictate them how they're going
to react, or the person that brings the energy and
dictates how they're going to make this situation play out.
So if I'm coming in to calm it down and

(42:46):
being all sweet because I'm trying to bring peace here,
I'm in the power position. I'm not losing anything. I'm
going to gain more peace and happiness and harmony if
I succeed in what I'm trying to do. So we
have to get out of that mindset of this makes
us weaker, and that is the big key of it.
That's a big problem that for a lot of women
who struggle with their feminine energy, that's a big issue

(43:07):
where they feel that being feminine is weakness. It's what
got them taken advantage of and got them hurt. But
I always say, it's not the feminine energy that's the problem,
it's who you give it to. Do they respect it?
They do honor it. You know, it's the same thing
as a man. Does she respect your masculine If she doesn't,
then that might just be assign your with the wrong person.
But don't stop being that guy, because the woman who's

(43:30):
best for you is gonna need that in those moments.
But that's exactly what it is, is is that when people
have been their best selves for the wrong person, that
person brings out the worst in them. Yes, right, Like
when someone's been their best, loving, kinder self but someone
took advantage of it, that person now thinks next time,

(43:51):
I've got to be aggressive, I've got to be you know, powerful,
I've got to be strong in this way. And I
feel like that's kind of what most people are dealing with.
We know that is that you're just dealing with a
wounded version of someone, not a healed version of someone.
But I think people struggle to trust again and again,

(44:13):
especially when they see the same patterns in the person
they're weird. And I guess the question is why do
we keep making the same mistakes? Because I feel like
a lot of us keep gaining the same people, and
there's a part of us that also just keeps closing
off or being more wounded. It's almost like if you
cut yourself, you now walk around with your hand over

(44:34):
that cut because you don't want to get cut again.
And then if you lead it off and it gets
cut even deeper, now you're even more conscious of that.
And so I find that people are doing that where
they're closing their heart more and more because it's been
so misused and abused. And I understand that. I understand
people don't want to be abused and misused, But I
guess the question is how do people find people that

(44:55):
they know respect them so that they can be their
best version, be a better vision than themselves. So you know,
you can't drive out darkness with more darkness. You can't
expose someone who's gonna hurt you by being someone who's
closed off and holding back yourself. It's kind of what
we were just talking about. We have to look at

(45:15):
being vulnerable, loving and open as not just while I'm
setting myself to be hurt. No, it's how you expose
people faster. If I come with that energy and you
cannot respect it match it, then I know you don't
belong here. But if I hold back, I give you
a free pass to hold back. So now we have
two individuals who are hiding behind their walls because it's

(45:38):
comfortable there, but you can't really see what do we
really have in front of us. Those walls are blinding
you and you can't properly evaluate the situation. So one,
we gotta get to a place of healing from our
past so that we're not just walking around with the
hand over the cut. No, you gotta let the cut breathe.
You gotta let it heal. All right, holding put your

(45:59):
hand on there is delaying the process. And like you said,
all it's gonna happen is when you finally take your
hand off. But you're taking it off with the wrong
person and you haven't learned. See, what I want people
to realize is your actions weren't the problem, meaning you
being loving, sweet, kind, compassionate wasn't the problem. It was

(46:20):
the person. Separate those two things that you don't stop
doing the good things. Now, granted, are there levels to
this to where we have to learn Again, if I'm
thinking about a man, if you got so deeply emotional
to where you kind of lost your mask and energy
and you became very needy, Okay, you can say, all right,
I need to continue to be loving. But I know

(46:42):
I have to know how to draw a line not
to cross that moment. And again, you only crossed it
because you were unhealthy to begin with. You only cross
it because you were afraid to begin with. Once you
get to that place where you're healthy and confident, you
won't find yourself crossing that line anymore. You won't tolerate
and things anymore. So we have to heal, We have

(47:03):
to be confident, and we have to let our light
sign so we can expose what's in front of us easier.
That's a brilliant answer. I love the differentiation between how
sharing your light is not the problem, the person's the problem,
because yeah, we start to doubt where there being a
good person, a loving person is actually what wins in

(47:24):
the world. And the truth is that it does win,
but it has to win with someone who can receive
it and hold that space with you and share that
space with you. And I find that a lot of
people keep giving that energy to the wrong person because
we feel we can make them better. Right Like, there's

(47:47):
this feeling of like I can change this person, I
can make them better, I can heal them. There's some
of us want to fix people, and that means we
assume the person we're with is broken. And I think
this is such a subconscious thing. Like if you're always critiquing,
if you're always picking it stuff with your partner, chances
are you don't think they're great like you think there's

(48:10):
some issues with them. When you think that you can
fix them and they're broken, tell us about that angle
where now we're almost We've talked about being the loving
and kind person, but sometimes we're being the person that
thinks we're loving and kind because we want to improve someone,
but that person doesn't want to improve. One big problem
is that what's really driving people to pick that individual

(48:32):
is that by being the one that can upgrade you
improve you, I have more value here. By having more value,
I have a false sense of security. You have to
appreciate me. You're less likely to walk away, you're less
likely to cheat because you're lucky to have me. I
feel like I'm the prize here. But those situations never

(48:53):
really work because again, you're choosing someone that is not
capable of pouring into you the way that you need.
You're basing this off of what you could do for them,
and that's not sustainable, and you're choosing them because again,
you have more emotional control. Here. What happens to so
many people, especially women, It's something that I call the

(49:15):
unhealthy love cycle of women. Where women, in their first
love experience, outside of any childhood trauma man have experience,
they're they're most loving, they're just out there, they go
all the way in. But that typically happens at a
younger age, at an age where men are not mature
enough to handle those kind of emotions, that level of commitment,

(49:36):
so on and so forth. So she gets hurt. After
she gets hurt, her moment is saying to herself, I
will never let this happen to me again. So now
the woman starts to consciously or subconsciously choose men who
are I don't want to say lower than hurt, but
essentially a man who does not take her there. He's
good enough to be with, but I'm not that vulnerable

(49:58):
with him. He can't hurt me like that first love
hurt me. And so that dynamic usually leads to picking
that person I can fix, I can make better, who
will appreciate and respect me. But again it doesn't work out,
and many times you'll see the same situations, the guy
will move on to cheat on her, not because and
I have to say this because some women think, yeah,

(50:20):
he's just being a man. No, not because he's a man,
but because you chose a man that you could never
be the woman that he needed, and he can never
be the man that you needed. Once he kind of
either gets what he needs from you to build himself up,
or the smoke clears from him being infatuated with you,
he starts to realize I'm not getting everything that I desire,

(50:41):
and now you building him up has brought him more
attention from other women. So now the difference between what
you're not giving him and what someone else is willing
to give him becomes way clearer. Now the temptation gets
way stronger and he ends up doing something or she
ends up cheating as well because he's safe. But he
doesn't fulfill her, He doesn't satisfy her, he doesn't excite

(51:04):
her in any kind of way. And that's why I
always said earlier, like the same choice is almost always
the wrong choice. But that is a function of people
trying to choose these fixed or uppers because they think
it's going to give them some leverage. There it's leverage,
that's it. Yeah, it's leverage. Yeah, how do you know
when it's time to go? Like, how do you know
when it's? Like? I feel like this is a common

(51:25):
question where it's like, how do you know when it's
just I've tried everything, we've tried together, tried our best,
maybe we went to therapy, maybe we got a coach,
or maybe you know, maybe we didn't do those things.
How do I just know that I feel like I
need to go, but I'm scared of being alone. Yeah,
I'm scared of dealing with the reality that I put

(51:46):
in a lot of energy. And I feel like you
said this earlier, but a lot of people stay in
something for a lot longer than they should because they'd
rather not be alone. They'd rather not face reality, they'd
rather not lose two years of their life, They'd rather
lose two more thinking that this, this should stay, Like,
how do you know when it's time to go? Let

(52:08):
me first say yes, I think I think society needs
to change their thinking as far as letting go doesn't
always mean it can't work out later, it's just that
it cannot work out under these circumstances, all right, Because
some people say, well, I feel like they're the one. Okay,
maybe they are, but maybe the time is not right,

(52:28):
and it's letting go that will allow you both to
do what needs to be done in your own personal lives,
that would allow you to to come back together and
have something way more amazing. So that's number one thing
to consider. But outside of that, it's when one if
that person is unwilling to put in the work necessary,
it's time to go. There's like so many times I'll

(52:50):
have a video go up about communication and someone will
comment saying I've tried talking to him and he doesn't
want to talk to me, And in my head, I'm like,
why are you still with them? If he refuses to
talk to you, You've already tried. There's nothing else to do.
But people will let it linger on and continue. Why
they consistently complain or unhappy about this specific issue. It's

(53:13):
not going to magically get better. They're not gonna just
change it just because all of a sudden they see,
oh it needs to change. No, if they're fighting it now,
they have no reason to change it. And what people
have to understand, you know, especially with this whole trying
to fix people up, healing and facing your traumas is
one of the hardest things for people to do. So
if they already have you in their life, they're essentially

(53:36):
getting the incentive or the benefit of relationship without having
to do the deeper work. It's almost like if I'm
at a job and the job says you need to
have a master's degree to work here, but we're gonna
hire you anyway and give you time to get that
master's degree. If getting that degree is super hard to you,
you're gonna drag that out as long as possible. You
may never get the degree until they fire you. When

(53:59):
they fire you and you realize, oh my gosh, if
I don't do this, I'll never get this person back.
I'll never get this opportunity back. Now, they might go
and get it, because it's very tough to walk down
the path of the healing process. So if they're not
willing to work on it. You guys have already discussed it,
and I think that's a big thing because there's a

(54:19):
lot of relationships that end and the couples don't even
know what the real issue was. So the communication, they'll say,
what we talked about. No, you guys argued you guys
lashed out. There wasn't a clear communication as to what
the problem was, what is expected? How do we go
about this if you've done that, and I believe one
of the most effective ways to do that is through

(54:39):
a letter, because I feel like verbal communication of deep
issues and concerns, they typically don't go well. You know,
people get distracted, they forget what they want to say.
The other person gets defensive. They're not they're listening to
a rebuttal not to understand. But when there's a letter involved,
it gives you time to get everything out, can evaluate

(55:00):
your tone, leave no stone unturned, and now they have
an opportunity to process it on their time, to really
take it in. And then you guys can come together
and discuss the letter, and now it's so much easier
to stay on point and get everything covered. If we've
done that and they're still unwilling or there's still no progress,

(55:22):
it's time to go. Yeah, that's great. That's grea advice,
And for me, that's the biggest one. It's like, you
can't make something lost if any one person's working on it.
You can't keep hoping and waiting and wishing and and
like you said, that ending doesn't mean forever. And often

(55:43):
I've found that two people need to grow individually to
be able to grow collectively. And we're forcing growing together
so hard, but we need space to grow. And if
you can't grow together, chances are you need to grow
apart in order to see whether you grow together again
or grow for someone else. And all of those options

(56:06):
are okay, But we put so much pressure on people
to grow together that they grow apart. Yeah. And actually
if they chose to grow apart and grow separately, they
could come back together if they learn the lessons. And
I think that's a mistake too that sometimes people think
I'm gonna go learn this lesson for this person. I
meet a lot of people that are like, Okay, they

(56:27):
broke up with me because I wasn't XYZ. Now I'm
gonna go become XYZ to win them back. Yeah, And
I always find I'm just like, well, no, you should
go become XYZ if you think you're missing XYZ, but
not to win them back because you don't know what
they're gonna do. What's your take on people trying to
win people back? So I wanted to agree with you, Like,

(56:49):
if we're trying to learn or grow. It needs to
be for the benefit of who we are and just
whoever we deal with. So it's almost like, if I
was a bad communicator in this relationship, I shouldn't learn
to better communicate for that person. I need to better
communicate for whoever I'm going to be with. If you
can't see it in that light, then maybe you're looking
at the wrong thing. My thing is this. I think

(57:12):
it all depends on what the details of the situation was,
what led to the breakup, What were you overlooking, what
was missing all these fixable issues, because a lot of
people are trying to win back someone where the issues
are not resolved. So it's like, what's the point of
going back, We're just going to go in the same
cycle all over again. They're letting this idea up I
missed them. I don't want to be without them, blind

(57:34):
them from the fact that you two did not get
along well, or you two don't want the same things,
or you two just whatever it is. Maybe there's a
lack of sexual satisfaction. I don't know why if the
need to mention that, but it happens a lot of times.
You have to stay focused on what led to the
end and can this be corrected if it can cool

(57:56):
But as you mentioned, correcting it does not gam and
tee you they're coming back, And even if they will
come back, you don't know when they may need. So
you may have figured yourself out in six months, they
might need a year, And I would argue, if you
guys are truly meant for each other and they needed

(58:16):
a year, you need a year. Two. You're just overlooking
some things and you're rushing the process because you want
to get back to them. Yeah, it's I've never found
a situation where it was truly only one person who
had problems and the other person was squeaky clean. No no, no,
you thought you were, but you have some stuff too
you needed to correct. So I think we have to

(58:37):
be honest with ourselves and just keep striving to be better,
and rather than focus on winning them back, just become
the best you because if you do, and there's a
true connection there, the opportunity will present itself again and
you two will be able to make something of it.
And the struggle is that when people finally make that
decision to break up or let go. The studies show

(59:02):
that the parts of your brain that are activated in
a breakup are the same as detoxing from cocaine, right, Like,
you're literally trying to detox, so you can have a
craving for someone that's bad for you. Or Also, it
says that the areas of the brain that are activated
in a breakup are the areas that are the same

(59:23):
with physical pain. So if someone like punching the stomach.
The reason why we say, like, my heart feels broken
is because it literally feels like something's broken. Yeah, so
when you're going through a breakup, when you're feeling the
craving to be with that person again, study show that
eight over eighty percent of people are looking at what
their exes are doing on social media right, probably through

(59:44):
a Finster account or whatever. But you have to you
have to know what are some of the healthiest tips
that you've given to people and the people that you've
worked with that have genuinely helped people move through a breakup.
The first thing is to ask yourself again, why was
I even there? Why am I holding onto this individual again?
I think sometimes we get so blinded by just the

(01:00:07):
experience or our desire to have this person forever reason
that we overlook what was really missing or why this
could not work anyway. What you'll also find is, and
I'm sure there's probably a study on it, where if
you if they broke up with you, You ever see
a situation it happens on TV a lot where the
person could be like, Okay, I'm gonna break up with
my partner. They're planning on it, they've been practicing in

(01:00:29):
their head, right. It took them a couple of weeks
to muster up the strength they're about to do it,
and then the partner breaks up with them. Now it's
oh my gosh, I gotta get them back. Yeah, so
it's like you just forgot this whole time. That was
your plan. It just gave you the past to do it.
But now because we don't like to be the one
being let go of now we're fighting hard to get
it back. So we have to really not fall into

(01:00:52):
these little traps that happened to us as human beings,
our brains just playing tricks on us, or something where
we can refuse these emotions for oh my gosh, I
must really love them, or even like you said, you
go into that detox and because you miss always tell
people no matter how bad relationship was there's always good moments.

(01:01:12):
So if you're trying to break free, you can't just
let your brain focus on the good moments. You have
to remind yourself why this doesn't work. But if you
keep focusing on the good you start to make yourself think, oh,
because I miss this good moment, I must miss them.
And as this quote that says, sometimes you're not missing
the person, you're missing the feeling. So you've got to

(01:01:33):
be able to differentiate those two things. So getting back
to how we get over these breakups is recognizing why
were we really there to begin with? You know, could
this actually work? The next thing is, you know, I'm
a huge believer that a lot of times a breakup
is a blessing in disguise. Even if there is a
chance that YouTube can work together or this is the

(01:01:55):
one for you, you may have needed this time to
reevaluate and get things in order. Something is obviously wrong,
even if it may be something as deep as because
I've seen situations where everything was going amazingly well on
the surface and the person broke up with them. Let's
say the woman, let's go of the man. So to
the man, that's really confusing. But what it was is

(01:02:17):
that that woman she had not healed from her past relationships,
and this relationship being so good was scaring her. And
what happens is the better you are, the scarier it
becomes for her. She's looking for something to be wrong.
She has to validate her fear somehow. When she can't
find it, she'll either sabotage the relationship or she'll run

(01:02:37):
from it. So to that man, it may seem like
this is so unfair, which, yeah, it sucks. But if
this woman didn't break up with you now you were,
it never be going to face this same ending but
at a worse time. All Right, this is still best
that it's happening now, at least if she can go
do what she needs to do. There's a chance for

(01:02:58):
this to come back around later. But it's hard for
us to see it in the moment. So I think,
just really, we also have to focus on our healing
whenever a breakup happens. The mistake we make is that
we think it's about healing from the breakup. No, it's
healing from everything you've been through. You've probably been sweeping
under the rug your childhood trauma for years, maybe the

(01:03:19):
last two three relationships whatever it is, So and not
healing from those things is contributing to your struggle to
get past this breakup and contributing to why you even
chose this person to begin with. I'm a huge believer
that if you haven't healed, you are ninety percent likely
to choose the wrong person. Yeah, it's just too difficult

(01:03:41):
to pick that person that you truly love and can
truly love you and accept that level of vulnerability when
you have still not resolved your past traumas and past hurts. Yeah.
So to me, that's the next big thing is just
focused on your healing process, because in that process you
will also be able to see more clearly if this

(01:04:01):
is really for you or not. Like walking around unhealed
is like walking around with broken glasses. You can't see
straight no matter how hard you try. But healing will
clear up your vision really really fast. And now it'd
be like, oh, wait a minute, I didn't belong there. Yeah,
you know, thank god the breakup happened. You know, now
I'm in a better place. I move forward. So to me,

(01:04:23):
I think, and I would say, in addition to those things,
is just having an accountability partner, whether that's friend, coach, therapist,
someone that can help keep you in check, help remind
you what you need to do, someone that you know
you have to talk to an update what's going on,
so that you feel like, Okay, I don't want to
come back to them saying I'm doing the same thing

(01:04:43):
over and over again. It doesn't guarantee success, but it helps,
It helps move the needle some. So I would highly
encourage that that one mindset you spoke about that that
changes everything. And it hit me today. I was just
thinking if we would just able or in a moment
to recognize that something painful now was going to be

(01:05:07):
good for us in five years time, that would change
so many things in our life. But we're so poor
at dealing with current pain, even if it means future joy,
that we just can't accept that I have to go
through this in everything right, Like knowing that someone breaking

(01:05:29):
up with you just saved you ten years of a
wasted life is so much more than knowing you're gonna
have to go through a few months of pain, and
ten months of pain. Maybe it's a bit longer, maybe
it's two three years, but we just have to get
our head around that that sometimes the best things that
happened to. You are protecting more of your life than

(01:05:49):
the pain that they're causing. You need the peace of
knowing I did what I needed to do. That's it, ye,
Because anytime you feel like, well maybe I could have
done this, but I could have done that leaves the
door open for doubt exactly. So it's like, and that's
why I'm such a big believer in you know, there's
people who say, well, once they're done, they're done, they'll
just move on, and I'm like, no, no, no, express yourself,

(01:06:10):
get everything off your chest because you don't need aithing
to linger and you questioning, well what if I did
this different? No, make speak your full peace, and now
you can say, all right, I did what I had
to do. It is what it is. I move forward,
and I mean it makes it easier. It may not
make it one hundred percent, you know, not an issue whatsoever,
but it's gonna be easier. And I'll say also for me,

(01:06:33):
that's why, like my relationship with God is so important
because that's where I find my peace. In dealing with
a situation that doesn't work out the way I want to.
I always tell myself, Okay, if this isn't working out.
God has something better for me. You know, if this
is happening right now, there's a purpose because I know
if I followed his guidance throughout this process, there's no
need for me to question why is this the current outcome.

(01:06:56):
There's a reason for this, and I've been through these
things enough times to see. As you mentioned, the reward
is going to come. It may come next week, it
may come years from now. It will come and I'll
be able to see how it all connected. Yeah, Stefan,
it's been incredible talking to you, man, this has been
such a great back to back flowing conversation. We end
every on Purpose episode with a final five, which is

(01:07:18):
like a rapid fire, which means every question has to
be answered with one word to one sentence maximum. Okay,
so here are your final five. The first question is
what's the best relationship advice you've ever received or heard
or given? It is too love fully, love fully and
be yourself because as I said earlier, that's how you
will expose quicker who is for you and who isn't

(01:07:40):
for you. Second question, what is the worst relationship advice
you've ever heard or received? Get under someone to get
over someone, doesn't work, it's going to cause more problems.
Question number three, how would you define your current purpose
in life is to serve the people and help heal

(01:08:01):
hearts and help individuals experience happier, healthier relationships. Question number four,
what's something that you used to think was important in
relationships romantic relationships but you no longer think is important.
I don't know if I would say it's what I
thought it was that important, but I do think I
can talk about it now. Is the woman's financial position

(01:08:23):
where I think once upon a time I may have
put more weight on that when I was a lot younger,
and really because that's what society and family told me
was important. But now to me and I can say
it because I'm successful, that financial position is not what's
important to me. It's the love, it's the environment in
the household, all these things. I mean, of course, I
want her to pursue her purpose and her passion, but

(01:08:46):
what she has financially doesn't move the needle at all.
It all right? And then fifth, and thank you for
opening up and sharing that fifth and final question. If
you could create one law that everyone in the world
had to follow, what would it be? The one that's
coming to mine is you must be honest. If we
eliminated lying in the seat, Oh my god, like this
world where he's so much better. Yeah, so you have

(01:09:10):
to tell the truth. Yeah, that would be an amazing one. Yeah, Stefan,
it's been amazing speaking today. I hope you come back
on the show many times. The book is out now.
It's called Love After Heartbreak. I'm sure each and every
one of you can relate to having gone through heartbreak.
This is the book to have to find that love
within yourself again to make sure you can love others.

(01:09:31):
Make sure you go and grab a copy of the book.
We're gonna put the link in the show notes so
you could go and order the book. I highly recommend it.
Please make sure you follow Stefan on YouTube, on Instagram,
on TikTok, on all the social media platforms. Please do
tag me and him on the platforms you use. With
the insights that stood out to you, the words of
wisdom that he said that are going to stay with you,

(01:09:52):
and the ones that you're bringing into your heart and life,
and the ones you're sharing with your friends. I hope
you'll pass this episode on to someone who needs it.
If you know someone who's going through a tough time
through a breakup, if you know someone who's single right
now and needs to do some more healing, or if
you have a friend in your life who's in a
relationship but struggling, this is the episode to send to them. Stefan,

(01:10:12):
thank you so much for your time and energy. So
grateful to you. Pleasures all mine. Thank you man. If
you love this episode, you'll love my interview with doctor
Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to heal
emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

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