January 31, 2025 • 29 mins
What’s one habit you think is draining your energy daily?
Do you ever feel exhausted after certain conversations?
Today, Jay will break down the hidden habits that are silently draining your energy and preventing you from living your best life in 2025. If you feel like you're constantly exhausted, unmotivated, or stuck in negative cycles, this episode is a wake-up call.
Jay reveals three powerful habits that will help you reclaim your time, mental clarity, and emotional well-being. He challenges the everyday energy leaks we often overlook—like engaging in gossip, absorbing unsolicited opinions, and surrounding ourselves with people who only talk about themselves. By cutting these out, you’ll unlock 52 minutes of your day to reinvest in your dreams, passions, and meaningful connections.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Avoid Unsolicited Advice and Protect Your Peace
How to Break Free from Toxic Conversations
How to Stay Focused on Your Own Growth
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
How to Make 2025 the Year You Protect Your Energy
Your energy is one of the most valuable things you have, don’t waste it on negativity, distractions, or people who drain your power.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:06 Why Do We Miss Out on Our Goals?
04:55 #1: Stop Talking About Other People
10:31 People with Superiority Complex Often Comes as Arrogant
12:28 You Can’t Empathize If You Haven’t Experienced It
16:47 Hidden Deep-Seated Feelings of Inadequacy
21:38 #2: Stop Giving Unsolicited Views, Opinions, and Feedback
26:16 #3: Stop Talking Just About Yourself
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Nothing has changed. We haven't got better, we haven't improved.
We're not smarter, we're not wiser. We just think we are.
I know that this is a harsh reality, but it's
going to help us. This is going to help us
because we're going to get fifty two minutes back a
day to invest into our dreams, invest into our goals,
(00:23):
invest into our lives. The number one health and wellness podcast,
Jay Sety Jay Setty Say set Hey, everyone, welcome back
to On Purpose. It has been such a brilliant start
to the year. I am loving seeing how engaged you are,
(00:45):
how connected you are, how many episodes you're listening to,
how many you're sharing with your community. It's incredible to
see your dedication to personal growth and self improvement in
twenty twenty five. Thank you for show up for yourself.
Thank you for showing up here for your future and
your success this year. Now, we've talked a lot about
(01:08):
setting up your goals, setting up your blueprint, understanding how
to visualize, but I have to share with you something
that can make all the difference. This week's episode could
actually be the difference maker between achieving your goals and
just missing out on them. One of the biggest reasons
(01:31):
a lot of us miss out on our goals is
because we're draining energy. We're losing energy, we're wasting energy.
This episode is all about how you can stop draining
your energy in twenty twenty five and how these three
(01:52):
habits will save you so much time. If you want
twenty twenty five to be a year you attract greatness,
this episode is for you. If you want twenty twenty
five to be a year you have good energy in
your life, this episode is for you. If you want
twenty twenty five to be a year your friendships deepen,
(02:15):
this episode is for you. Think about it for a moment.
You can drink as much water as you want, but
if it's not clean, it won't have the desired impact.
And sometimes in our life, we can be doing all
the habits, we can be doing all the tracking, we
can try and develop all the mindsets, but if our
(02:38):
energy isn't clean, if our energy isn't detoxed, it all
loses value. I'm sure you've experienced that before, where when
your energy's fuzzy, it seems like you don't have any clarity,
you don't know where you're going, you don't know how
you're going to get there. And sometimes even if you
have lots of uncertainty, if your energy's clear and clean,
(03:03):
you actually have everything right in front of you. You
know what the next move is, You know what the
next step is. That's what I want for you this year. Now,
imagine if I told you you could get fifty two
minutes of your day back right now. Think about that
for a second. Imagine if I told you you could
(03:26):
get fifty two minutes of your day back right now,
what would you do with it? Would you read a book,
start a passion project, maybe work on your side, hustle,
spend more quality time with friends, sleep early. One thing
I know for sure is that what you would use
(03:47):
it to do something meaningful to you. But the majority
of us don't even believe we have enough time. If
I told you to take fifty two minutes out for something,
you'd say, Jay, I don't have it. I don't even
know where to find it. I want to, but I
don't know where it is. Well, guess what study show
(04:08):
we spend fifty two minutes a day talking about gossiping
about speaking about other people fifty two minutes. Whether it's
harmless or hurtful. It is stealing time away from our lives.
It's also draining our energy and wasting our time. Stop
(04:32):
spending time with people who only talk about other people
and stop being one of those people who only talks
about other people. Whether it's on the phone, whether it's messaging,
whether it's in person. We waste fifty two minutes a
day doing this one thing. The first way to stop
(04:57):
draining your energy in twenty twenty five is stop spending
time with people who only talk about other people and
stop being one of those people who only talks about
other people. Now here's the thing. Talking about other people
feels good in the short term, but ultimately drains our
(05:18):
energy because it often involves focusing on negative information about others.
This continues to strengthen our negativity bias, which means we
become better at seeing what's wrong with something then what's right.
We become better at seeing what's bad rather than what's good,
(05:39):
and we become better at seeing what's not working rather
than what is and guess what. That seeps into our
own positive relationships, career, opportunities, and lives. So many of
us are wiring ourselves to only focus on the negative
have you noticed how it it's actually not that difficult
(06:02):
to spot something wrong with something. I'm sure you've seen
an Instagram caption and spotted a spelling mistake or a
grammar mistake. Maybe you saw someone post something on the
stories and they'd made a mistake with the year that
they'd posted. Our minds are hardwired to spot what's wrong
with something. Now, while that can be a really useful skill,
(06:24):
it can be really important to protect us in life,
and it is valuable. It becomes really hard for you
to create something beautiful, create something brilliant with that mindset,
because whenever you have a good idea, you'll always find
what's wrong with it. Whenever you have a good plan,
you'll always find its failure and weakness. And by the way,
(06:45):
whenever your friends share their ideas or their inspiration, you'll
be the first to shoot them down. So many of
us don't realize how negativity creeps and seeps into our
lives through goss, through talking badly about other people. And
here's the reality. Talking about others can also lead to
(07:07):
feelings of guilt and anxiety. We think, what if that
person finds out, what if they hear what I said
about them. I didn't really mean it, Maybe I just
said it in the moment. I know that they're not
all bad. How will they feel? How will that affect
my relationship? And then we wonder what will the person
(07:28):
I've been gossiping with think about me? Wait a minute,
will they gossip about me with other people? Wait a minute?
What will they say about me to that person? There
is so much guilt and anxiety, worry and frustration that
comes from this same experience, And I want us to
(07:49):
become wiser to how much time we waste in this regard. Now,
we do it and other people do it because it
makes us feel better. We talk about other people because
it makes us feel better. But how can you truly
feel better about yourself by talking badly about someone else?
(08:12):
That's a fairly low bar. We believe we're doing well
because someone else is doing poorly. Our marriage must be
going great because someone's getting divorced. Our career must be
going well because someone else is getting fired. Our health
must be good because someone else is getting sick. It
(08:35):
creates a very low standard of success for ourselves and
creates a negative feeling towards others. Not to mention, it
gives us a false sense of security. Our relationship isn't
actually getting stronger, we just feel it is. Our career
isn't actually going in the right direction, we just think
(08:57):
it is. Our health isn't actually improving. We don't actually
know much about it. This superiority complex creates fractures in
our self image and connection with others. It misleads us
towards a better view of ourselves and an unhealthy view
of others, which isn't actually based on reality. This is
(09:21):
what's most worrying. When you're in a deep relationship with
someone who talks negatively about others, you walk away feeling
falsely better about yourself. You haven't actually changed anything, you
haven't actually improved anything, you haven't actually built a healthy,
positive mindset in any way. Yet you're walking away having
negative lower feelings towards someone else, and guess what, that
(09:46):
person doesn't even know it. It drains our energy because
it fools us into believing that we're on the right path,
that we're on the right track, that we're moving in
the right direction, when the reality is nothing has changed,
nothing has changed. We haven't got better, we haven't improved,
(10:09):
we're not smarter, we're not wiser. We just think we are.
I know that this is a harsh reality, but it's
going to help us. This is going to help us
because we're going to get fifty two minutes back a
day to invest into our dreams, invest into our goals,
invest into our lives. Now, what are some of the
(10:34):
ways that talking about other people drains us even beyond
just that fifty two minutes. The first is people with
a superiority complex often come across as condescending or dismissive,
and this can make others feel inferior, leading them to
pull away, disengage, or avoid interaction. Over time, this erodes
(10:57):
trust and intimacy in relationship, even if we don't know it.
We start to develop this perceived arrogance right. People feel
it from us, They feel it from our energy, and
if you're not feeling it, you're feeling it from someone else.
You will have a friend that they talk negatively about
each other, and then you start to recognize that they
(11:18):
come across arrogant and it disconnects us from them. So
it drains our energy because we're now spending our time
evaluating someone else's arrogance. It also leads to a lack
of connection. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, understanding, and vulnerability.
(11:39):
When one person feels above the other, it becomes difficult
to form true connections. The person with the superiority complex
may fail to see others as equals, limiting the depth
of their interactions. So when you're talking to someone who
has this, who talks negatively about others, you actually can't
(12:01):
even connect with them that well. Now every moment you
spend with them, you feel disconnected from them, You feel
disconnected from what they're talking about, and now you're trying
to manage it. I know what it feels like, right
when someone talks badly about someone to you. You now
don't know where to jump in. You don't know whether
to join in. You're now wondering what they think of
you when you don't do that. All of this is
(12:21):
a waste of time and energy. I couldn't be more
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(13:29):
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(13:49):
the code on purpose. Another reason that this drains our
energy is that it inhibits effective communication. Weapens is we
start to become dismissive of other people's opinions. People who
start to feel this superiority tend to believe they know
best or that their perspective is the only valid one.
(14:13):
This creates a communication barrier because others feel unheard, dismissed,
or invalidated. Now you may not be the person making
other people feel this way, but you might start to
feel this way with a person who talks in this way.
It's now affecting your relationship with them, which is affecting
your relationship with the people you're talking about. It also
(14:36):
can create a sense of defensiveness. Right, I'm sure you've
got a friend where you're like, hey, let's not talk
about that person. Hey, let's not do that, And then
they get defensive. They may even say like, oh, stop
trying to act like a good person, Stop trying to
act like a holy person. You've got challenges too, And
now it starts to create tension and friction there as well.
One of my biggest concerns about how talking to people
(14:59):
who talk about a lo of other people decreases our
energy and drains our energy is that it creates a
lack of empathy. This is a huge one that I
want you to take in. So many of us don't
realize that whatever experience you can't empathize with, you might
(15:22):
have to experience it. I've noticed this time and time again,
where when I've not been able to empathize with someone's
experience that I've not experienced, life brings that experience into
my life for me to experience it. All of a sudden,
I can fully empathize with them. I was talking about
(15:45):
this with a friend the other day because we were
speaking about someone in our life who had been diagnosed
with a particular condition, and so many of our friends
just couldn't understand. Of our friends just couldn't understand why
they were so stressed about it. The results came okay,
the surgery went well, and I said, you have no
(16:08):
idea of that trauma that that person's carrying now, that worry,
that anxiety that comes with it. It's not just about
the diagnosis, It's about the interpretation that comes with it.
And what I've realized is everyone has a challenge in
their life that no one tries to understand apart from themselves,
(16:31):
and therefore when someone we know is going through something
we don't understand, don't judge it, empathize with it. But
when we talk about other people like can you believe it?
They're overreacting to this? Can you believe it? Their life
is so easy? Can you believe it? They have so
much money? Why are they worried about this? Can you
believe it? That they already have children? Why should they
(16:51):
be upset if they've had a miscarriage? Like these are
really the things people say. It's really sad that we
lose our ability to empathize with others when we talk
about them without them being in the room. Don't say
something about someone that you wouldn't say when they're not
(17:12):
in the room. If you wouldn't say something with someone
being able to listen to your conversation, don't say it
about them when they're not in that conversation. And the
truth is, sometimes we think, oh, I would say this
to someone. Maybe you would, but you wouldn't in that tone.
(17:33):
You wouldn't in that way, You wouldn't with that energy.
You wouldn't say it to them with that kind of take.
It would be said with more sensitivity, It would be
said with more empathy. It would be said in a
much more conscious, loving, thoughtful way. Think about that before
you talk about anyone else, because that drains our energy,
(17:55):
and it drains the purity that you have within you.
When we lose our compassion, we judge ourselves harsher. When
we lose our empathy, we experience things that force us
to be empathetic. Think about that extremely deeply. Another reason
(18:16):
why talking about others with other people creates a superiority
complex and drains our energy is that it actually hides
our deep seated feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. So rather
than ours saying, yeah, you know what, I'm really struggling
with that, I want to be better than that, I
(18:37):
want to do better than that, we actually hide how
we really feel beneath all of that. So when we're
saying that, oh, can you believe it that so and
So's husband didn't take them on a vacation? Can you
believe it that so and So's partner didn't turn up
to their birthday party? Whatever it is, we're actually triggered
(18:57):
by that because there's some truth in it for our
own life. We're feeling inadequate in our relationship, We're feeling
insecure in our career. But instead of addressing that, instead
of really getting to the root of that, instead of
being cognizant of that, we hide away beneath feelings about
other people. We hide away just thinking, oh, well, everything's
(19:18):
okay for us. But the truth is there's a part
of us that's really yearning for seeking that validation. Instead
of letting this insecurity be hidden away, it can become
so powerful when we acknowledge it and say, you know what,
I'm actually going to work on this part of my life.
(19:41):
You know what, I'm going to take accountability and responsibility
for this in my life. So how do we do that?
The first thing we need to do is become aware,
aware of when we talk negatively about other people, aware
of who we do it with. I'm sure you'll find
(20:03):
a pattern. We generally talk about other people with the
same people and we talk about them negatively in the
same areas. So the first thing is to become aware
who do we talk about, who do we talk about
them with? Right, that's the first step. Who do we
talk about and who do we talk about them with?
(20:25):
And start connecting with how it's draining your energy. Start
becoming conscious of how it's draining your energy. We have
to become really aware of how we feel drained after
those conversations. During those conversations, maybe you get off a
call and you realize you've been on that call for
fifty two minutes, and you go, wow, I could have
(20:46):
done something with that. Maybe you get off that call
and you feel dirty and a bit filthy talking about
that person. Maybe you get off that call and you
feel guilty. Maybe you get off that call and you
actually just feel bad about yourself, and then that leads
to low self esteem, which loses motivation and moving on. First,
become aware of who you talk about and who you
(21:08):
talk about them with. The second thing I want you
to become aware of is what does this show about you?
What area of your life are you not addressing and
becoming aware of Because you're talking about other people's problems. Often,
when we're talking about other people's marriage problems, it's because
(21:30):
we want to address something in our own marriage. When
we spend our time talking negatively about other people's career challenges,
it's because we want to address something in our workplace.
This is the second step. Once you become aware, address
what it is that you're feeling insecure about that, you're
(21:54):
feeling anxious about. Where is it in your life that
talking about someone else is making you feel better because
you're not taking responsibility to actually do better, to be better,
because I promise you as soon as you do, you
will see your life change. Become so fixated on focusing
(22:15):
on yourself that you don't have time to talk about
anyone else. If you're building your home, if you're designing
your home, if you're improving your career, you won't have
time to talk about others. If you have time to
talk about others, it is simply stealing time away from
talking about what's most important to you. Think about that.
(22:40):
And the third step is take action. Take action on
transforming your life, Take action on developing that habit, Take
action on improving your relationship, take action on focusing on
your career, because that is the antidote. The antidote to
stop talking to other people about the people is to
(23:01):
start taking action in your own life. The second habit
that will help you to stop draining energy in twenty
twenty five is stop spending time with people who give
unsolicited views, opinions, and feedback and stop giving it. Imagine
this for a second. You're updating a friend, a family member,
(23:25):
or a colleague about a challenge or experience you're going through. Now,
without you even requesting it, they suddenly launch into a
full thesis and masterclass on what you need to change,
what you need to improve, why you're going through it,
what you need to start eating, stop eating, start working out,
don't do anymore. You didn't ask for it. You didn't
(23:46):
encourage it either. You were just opening your heart. It
can be so discouraging. I'm sure you've felt that before,
where someone gives you unsolicited thoughts and views about your
new hairstyle, about your new career, about the vacation you're taking.
It can be so so disheartening. Now think about how
(24:10):
often you do that as well. Be honest with yourself.
It might be so subtle, right, it might be so
subtle that you do it too, But think about that
for a second. How often do we give unsolicited opinions,
views and feedback and how often are we around people
(24:30):
who give it to us? And do we drain energy
thinking about it? There's something known as the social exchange theory.
According to social exchange theory, relationships are based on a
balance of give and take where both parties feel respected
in value. Offering unsolicited feedback can create an imbalance, with
(24:51):
the person receiving the feedback feels criticized, undervalued, or even dominated.
This can weaken the relationship over time. You're either on
the receiving end of that or you're giving it to
other people. And it drains our energy because so often
we give this feedback to others. Then we talk about
why they haven't changed, Then we wonder why we wasted
(25:13):
time giving them the advice, and all of that was
a waste of time. Now, the truth is it can
be well intentioned. You may truly have solved your gut
issues by drinking celery juice. It may have worked for you.
You may have truly solved your focus issues by working
out every day. Your intentions may be beautiful and wonderful.
(25:33):
But before giving someone unsolicited feedback, ask them, would you
like to know what I did to help me? Would
you be open to hearing about what was helpful? These
two simple questions let that person give you permission, and
that permission has an incredible psychological impact on them. A
(25:56):
study by van Viernon and d Drew in two and
one found that unsolicited feedback can lead to feelings of
resentment and distrust. People are more likely to feel that
the feedback giver is overstepping boundaries or being judgmental, which
can damage interpersonal rapport and mutual respect. You may not
(26:18):
even want to do that, but you may actually be
draining a relationship of the good will that you've created.
And studies have shown that when individuals are given feedback
they didn't ask for, it can lead to a decrease
in intrinsic motivation. When people feel like their actions are
being externally regulated rather than self motivated, their intrinsic desire
(26:42):
to perform the task diminishes. So not only are you
limiting their ability to change, you're also limiting your own
ability to change if you're not qualifying someone else's advice.
And in a very extreme sense, there's a cumulative effect
of criticism. Repeated exposure to unsolicited feedback, particularly if it
(27:05):
is critical, can lead to feelings of helplessness or learned helplessness.
This can also lead to exhaustion. Some of us are
so exhausted hearing from people who are giving us unsolicited
fus and feedback that we are drained of energy. Please
create a distance, a boundary and a barrier from this energy.
(27:28):
You don't deserve it, and it also becomes extremely, extremely
difficult for you to continue to tolerate it. If you're
someone who's struggling around a group of people, please feel
free to set boundaries, set barriers, and distance yourself. And
the third and final habit is stop spending time with
people who only talk about themselves and stop talking just
(27:51):
about yourself. It's so important that we spend time with
people who are curious about us and we are curious
about others. We feel drained when we're constantly just hearing
about someone else's stresses, pains and problems, and we kind
of do it because we want to people please. We
want to be good, we want to be nice, we
want to be seen as nice, but actually encouraging them
(28:13):
to get help, encouraging them to spread their support, introducing
them to great insights podcast places to turn to can
make a huge difference. I really believe these three habits
will help you reclaim your energy in twenty twenty five.
Stop draining your energy and start protecting it. Wish you
all the best. I'm so excited for this year and
(28:36):
our continued journey of growth together and I can't wait
for you to listen to the next episode. Remember there
are new episodes every Monday and every Friday. Every Monday
we have a new guest session, and every Friday we
have a new workshop. Make sure to tune in and
remember we have six years of episodes available for you
to go back and listen to. Thanks for being a
(28:58):
part of On Purpose. I appreciate at you. Remember I'm
forever in your corner and always rooting for you. If
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor
Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace
difficult feelings. You've just got to be motivated every day
and if you're not, then what are you doing? And
(29:18):
actually humans don't work that way motivation. You have to
treat it like any other emotion. Some days it will
be there, some days it won't
Nothing has changed. We haven't got better, we haven't improved.
We're not smarter, we're not wiser. We just think we are.
I know that this is a harsh reality, but it's
going to help us. This is going to help us
because we're going to get fifty two minutes back a
day to invest into our dreams, invest into our goals,
(00:23):
invest into our lives. The number one health and wellness podcast,
Jay Sety Jay Setty Say set Hey, everyone, welcome back
to On Purpose. It has been such a brilliant start
to the year. I am loving seeing how engaged you are,
(00:45):
how connected you are, how many episodes you're listening to,
how many you're sharing with your community. It's incredible to
see your dedication to personal growth and self improvement in
twenty twenty five. Thank you for show up for yourself.
Thank you for showing up here for your future and
your success this year. Now, we've talked a lot about
(01:08):
setting up your goals, setting up your blueprint, understanding how
to visualize, but I have to share with you something
that can make all the difference. This week's episode could
actually be the difference maker between achieving your goals and
just missing out on them. One of the biggest reasons
(01:31):
a lot of us miss out on our goals is
because we're draining energy. We're losing energy, we're wasting energy.
This episode is all about how you can stop draining
your energy in twenty twenty five and how these three
(01:52):
habits will save you so much time. If you want
twenty twenty five to be a year you attract greatness,
this episode is for you. If you want twenty twenty
five to be a year you have good energy in
your life, this episode is for you. If you want
twenty twenty five to be a year your friendships deepen,
(02:15):
this episode is for you. Think about it for a moment.
You can drink as much water as you want, but
if it's not clean, it won't have the desired impact.
And sometimes in our life, we can be doing all
the habits, we can be doing all the tracking, we
can try and develop all the mindsets, but if our
(02:38):
energy isn't clean, if our energy isn't detoxed, it all
loses value. I'm sure you've experienced that before, where when
your energy's fuzzy, it seems like you don't have any clarity,
you don't know where you're going, you don't know how
you're going to get there. And sometimes even if you
have lots of uncertainty, if your energy's clear and clean,
(03:03):
you actually have everything right in front of you. You
know what the next move is, You know what the
next step is. That's what I want for you this year. Now,
imagine if I told you you could get fifty two
minutes of your day back right now. Think about that
for a second. Imagine if I told you you could
(03:26):
get fifty two minutes of your day back right now,
what would you do with it? Would you read a book,
start a passion project, maybe work on your side, hustle,
spend more quality time with friends, sleep early. One thing
I know for sure is that what you would use
(03:47):
it to do something meaningful to you. But the majority
of us don't even believe we have enough time. If
I told you to take fifty two minutes out for something,
you'd say, Jay, I don't have it. I don't even
know where to find it. I want to, but I
don't know where it is. Well, guess what study show
(04:08):
we spend fifty two minutes a day talking about gossiping
about speaking about other people fifty two minutes. Whether it's
harmless or hurtful. It is stealing time away from our lives.
It's also draining our energy and wasting our time. Stop
(04:32):
spending time with people who only talk about other people
and stop being one of those people who only talks
about other people. Whether it's on the phone, whether it's messaging,
whether it's in person. We waste fifty two minutes a
day doing this one thing. The first way to stop
(04:57):
draining your energy in twenty twenty five is stop spending
time with people who only talk about other people and
stop being one of those people who only talks about
other people. Now here's the thing. Talking about other people
feels good in the short term, but ultimately drains our
(05:18):
energy because it often involves focusing on negative information about others.
This continues to strengthen our negativity bias, which means we
become better at seeing what's wrong with something then what's right.
We become better at seeing what's bad rather than what's good,
(05:39):
and we become better at seeing what's not working rather
than what is and guess what. That seeps into our
own positive relationships, career, opportunities, and lives. So many of
us are wiring ourselves to only focus on the negative
have you noticed how it it's actually not that difficult
(06:02):
to spot something wrong with something. I'm sure you've seen
an Instagram caption and spotted a spelling mistake or a
grammar mistake. Maybe you saw someone post something on the
stories and they'd made a mistake with the year that
they'd posted. Our minds are hardwired to spot what's wrong
with something. Now, while that can be a really useful skill,
(06:24):
it can be really important to protect us in life,
and it is valuable. It becomes really hard for you
to create something beautiful, create something brilliant with that mindset,
because whenever you have a good idea, you'll always find
what's wrong with it. Whenever you have a good plan,
you'll always find its failure and weakness. And by the way,
(06:45):
whenever your friends share their ideas or their inspiration, you'll
be the first to shoot them down. So many of
us don't realize how negativity creeps and seeps into our
lives through goss, through talking badly about other people. And
here's the reality. Talking about others can also lead to
(07:07):
feelings of guilt and anxiety. We think, what if that
person finds out, what if they hear what I said
about them. I didn't really mean it, Maybe I just
said it in the moment. I know that they're not
all bad. How will they feel? How will that affect
my relationship? And then we wonder what will the person
(07:28):
I've been gossiping with think about me? Wait a minute,
will they gossip about me with other people? Wait a minute?
What will they say about me to that person? There
is so much guilt and anxiety, worry and frustration that
comes from this same experience, And I want us to
(07:49):
become wiser to how much time we waste in this regard. Now,
we do it and other people do it because it
makes us feel better. We talk about other people because
it makes us feel better. But how can you truly
feel better about yourself by talking badly about someone else?
(08:12):
That's a fairly low bar. We believe we're doing well
because someone else is doing poorly. Our marriage must be
going great because someone's getting divorced. Our career must be
going well because someone else is getting fired. Our health
must be good because someone else is getting sick. It
(08:35):
creates a very low standard of success for ourselves and
creates a negative feeling towards others. Not to mention, it
gives us a false sense of security. Our relationship isn't
actually getting stronger, we just feel it is. Our career
isn't actually going in the right direction, we just think
(08:57):
it is. Our health isn't actually improving. We don't actually
know much about it. This superiority complex creates fractures in
our self image and connection with others. It misleads us
towards a better view of ourselves and an unhealthy view
of others, which isn't actually based on reality. This is
(09:21):
what's most worrying. When you're in a deep relationship with
someone who talks negatively about others, you walk away feeling
falsely better about yourself. You haven't actually changed anything, you
haven't actually improved anything, you haven't actually built a healthy,
positive mindset in any way. Yet you're walking away having
negative lower feelings towards someone else, and guess what, that
(09:46):
person doesn't even know it. It drains our energy because
it fools us into believing that we're on the right path,
that we're on the right track, that we're moving in
the right direction, when the reality is nothing has changed,
nothing has changed. We haven't got better, we haven't improved,
(10:09):
we're not smarter, we're not wiser. We just think we are.
I know that this is a harsh reality, but it's
going to help us. This is going to help us
because we're going to get fifty two minutes back a
day to invest into our dreams, invest into our goals,
invest into our lives. Now, what are some of the
(10:34):
ways that talking about other people drains us even beyond
just that fifty two minutes. The first is people with
a superiority complex often come across as condescending or dismissive,
and this can make others feel inferior, leading them to
pull away, disengage, or avoid interaction. Over time, this erodes
(10:57):
trust and intimacy in relationship, even if we don't know it.
We start to develop this perceived arrogance right. People feel
it from us, They feel it from our energy, and
if you're not feeling it, you're feeling it from someone else.
You will have a friend that they talk negatively about
each other, and then you start to recognize that they
(11:18):
come across arrogant and it disconnects us from them. So
it drains our energy because we're now spending our time
evaluating someone else's arrogance. It also leads to a lack
of connection. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, understanding, and vulnerability.
(11:39):
When one person feels above the other, it becomes difficult
to form true connections. The person with the superiority complex
may fail to see others as equals, limiting the depth
of their interactions. So when you're talking to someone who
has this, who talks negatively about others, you actually can't
(12:01):
even connect with them that well. Now every moment you
spend with them, you feel disconnected from them, You feel
disconnected from what they're talking about, and now you're trying
to manage it. I know what it feels like, right
when someone talks badly about someone to you. You now
don't know where to jump in. You don't know whether
to join in. You're now wondering what they think of
you when you don't do that. All of this is
(12:21):
a waste of time and energy. I couldn't be more
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the code on purpose. Another reason that this drains our
energy is that it inhibits effective communication. Weapens is we
start to become dismissive of other people's opinions. People who
start to feel this superiority tend to believe they know
best or that their perspective is the only valid one.
(14:13):
This creates a communication barrier because others feel unheard, dismissed,
or invalidated. Now you may not be the person making
other people feel this way, but you might start to
feel this way with a person who talks in this way.
It's now affecting your relationship with them, which is affecting
your relationship with the people you're talking about. It also
(14:36):
can create a sense of defensiveness. Right, I'm sure you've
got a friend where you're like, hey, let's not talk
about that person. Hey, let's not do that, And then
they get defensive. They may even say like, oh, stop
trying to act like a good person, Stop trying to
act like a holy person. You've got challenges too, And
now it starts to create tension and friction there as well.
One of my biggest concerns about how talking to people
(14:59):
who talk about a lo of other people decreases our
energy and drains our energy is that it creates a
lack of empathy. This is a huge one that I
want you to take in. So many of us don't
realize that whatever experience you can't empathize with, you might
(15:22):
have to experience it. I've noticed this time and time again,
where when I've not been able to empathize with someone's
experience that I've not experienced, life brings that experience into
my life for me to experience it. All of a sudden,
I can fully empathize with them. I was talking about
(15:45):
this with a friend the other day because we were
speaking about someone in our life who had been diagnosed
with a particular condition, and so many of our friends
just couldn't understand. Of our friends just couldn't understand why
they were so stressed about it. The results came okay,
the surgery went well, and I said, you have no
(16:08):
idea of that trauma that that person's carrying now, that worry,
that anxiety that comes with it. It's not just about
the diagnosis, It's about the interpretation that comes with it.
And what I've realized is everyone has a challenge in
their life that no one tries to understand apart from themselves,
(16:31):
and therefore when someone we know is going through something
we don't understand, don't judge it, empathize with it. But
when we talk about other people like can you believe it?
They're overreacting to this? Can you believe it? Their life
is so easy? Can you believe it? They have so
much money? Why are they worried about this? Can you
believe it? That they already have children? Why should they
(16:51):
be upset if they've had a miscarriage? Like these are
really the things people say. It's really sad that we
lose our ability to empathize with others when we talk
about them without them being in the room. Don't say
something about someone that you wouldn't say when they're not
(17:12):
in the room. If you wouldn't say something with someone
being able to listen to your conversation, don't say it
about them when they're not in that conversation. And the
truth is, sometimes we think, oh, I would say this
to someone. Maybe you would, but you wouldn't in that tone.
(17:33):
You wouldn't in that way, You wouldn't with that energy.
You wouldn't say it to them with that kind of take.
It would be said with more sensitivity, It would be
said with more empathy. It would be said in a
much more conscious, loving, thoughtful way. Think about that before
you talk about anyone else, because that drains our energy,
(17:55):
and it drains the purity that you have within you.
When we lose our compassion, we judge ourselves harsher. When
we lose our empathy, we experience things that force us
to be empathetic. Think about that extremely deeply. Another reason
(18:16):
why talking about others with other people creates a superiority
complex and drains our energy is that it actually hides
our deep seated feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. So rather
than ours saying, yeah, you know what, I'm really struggling
with that, I want to be better than that, I
(18:37):
want to do better than that, we actually hide how
we really feel beneath all of that. So when we're
saying that, oh, can you believe it that so and
So's husband didn't take them on a vacation? Can you
believe it that so and So's partner didn't turn up
to their birthday party? Whatever it is, we're actually triggered
(18:57):
by that because there's some truth in it for our
own life. We're feeling inadequate in our relationship, We're feeling
insecure in our career. But instead of addressing that, instead
of really getting to the root of that, instead of
being cognizant of that, we hide away beneath feelings about
other people. We hide away just thinking, oh, well, everything's
(19:18):
okay for us. But the truth is there's a part
of us that's really yearning for seeking that validation. Instead
of letting this insecurity be hidden away, it can become
so powerful when we acknowledge it and say, you know what,
I'm actually going to work on this part of my life.
(19:41):
You know what, I'm going to take accountability and responsibility
for this in my life. So how do we do that?
The first thing we need to do is become aware,
aware of when we talk negatively about other people, aware
of who we do it with. I'm sure you'll find
(20:03):
a pattern. We generally talk about other people with the
same people and we talk about them negatively in the
same areas. So the first thing is to become aware
who do we talk about, who do we talk about
them with? Right, that's the first step. Who do we
talk about and who do we talk about them with?
(20:25):
And start connecting with how it's draining your energy. Start
becoming conscious of how it's draining your energy. We have
to become really aware of how we feel drained after
those conversations. During those conversations, maybe you get off a
call and you realize you've been on that call for
fifty two minutes, and you go, wow, I could have
(20:46):
done something with that. Maybe you get off that call
and you feel dirty and a bit filthy talking about
that person. Maybe you get off that call and you
feel guilty. Maybe you get off that call and you
actually just feel bad about yourself, and then that leads
to low self esteem, which loses motivation and moving on. First,
become aware of who you talk about and who you
(21:08):
talk about them with. The second thing I want you
to become aware of is what does this show about you?
What area of your life are you not addressing and
becoming aware of Because you're talking about other people's problems. Often,
when we're talking about other people's marriage problems, it's because
(21:30):
we want to address something in our own marriage. When
we spend our time talking negatively about other people's career challenges,
it's because we want to address something in our workplace.
This is the second step. Once you become aware, address
what it is that you're feeling insecure about that, you're
(21:54):
feeling anxious about. Where is it in your life that
talking about someone else is making you feel better because
you're not taking responsibility to actually do better, to be better,
because I promise you as soon as you do, you
will see your life change. Become so fixated on focusing
(22:15):
on yourself that you don't have time to talk about
anyone else. If you're building your home, if you're designing
your home, if you're improving your career, you won't have
time to talk about others. If you have time to
talk about others, it is simply stealing time away from
talking about what's most important to you. Think about that.
(22:40):
And the third step is take action. Take action on
transforming your life, Take action on developing that habit, Take
action on improving your relationship, take action on focusing on
your career, because that is the antidote. The antidote to
stop talking to other people about the people is to
(23:01):
start taking action in your own life. The second habit
that will help you to stop draining energy in twenty
twenty five is stop spending time with people who give
unsolicited views, opinions, and feedback and stop giving it. Imagine
this for a second. You're updating a friend, a family member,
(23:25):
or a colleague about a challenge or experience you're going through. Now,
without you even requesting it, they suddenly launch into a
full thesis and masterclass on what you need to change,
what you need to improve, why you're going through it,
what you need to start eating, stop eating, start working out,
don't do anymore. You didn't ask for it. You didn't
(23:46):
encourage it either. You were just opening your heart. It
can be so discouraging. I'm sure you've felt that before,
where someone gives you unsolicited thoughts and views about your
new hairstyle, about your new career, about the vacation you're taking.
It can be so so disheartening. Now think about how
(24:10):
often you do that as well. Be honest with yourself.
It might be so subtle, right, it might be so
subtle that you do it too, But think about that
for a second. How often do we give unsolicited opinions,
views and feedback and how often are we around people
(24:30):
who give it to us? And do we drain energy
thinking about it? There's something known as the social exchange theory.
According to social exchange theory, relationships are based on a
balance of give and take where both parties feel respected
in value. Offering unsolicited feedback can create an imbalance, with
(24:51):
the person receiving the feedback feels criticized, undervalued, or even dominated.
This can weaken the relationship over time. You're either on
the receiving end of that or you're giving it to
other people. And it drains our energy because so often
we give this feedback to others. Then we talk about
why they haven't changed, Then we wonder why we wasted
(25:13):
time giving them the advice, and all of that was
a waste of time. Now, the truth is it can
be well intentioned. You may truly have solved your gut
issues by drinking celery juice. It may have worked for you.
You may have truly solved your focus issues by working
out every day. Your intentions may be beautiful and wonderful.
(25:33):
But before giving someone unsolicited feedback, ask them, would you
like to know what I did to help me? Would
you be open to hearing about what was helpful? These
two simple questions let that person give you permission, and
that permission has an incredible psychological impact on them. A
(25:56):
study by van Viernon and d Drew in two and
one found that unsolicited feedback can lead to feelings of
resentment and distrust. People are more likely to feel that
the feedback giver is overstepping boundaries or being judgmental, which
can damage interpersonal rapport and mutual respect. You may not
(26:18):
even want to do that, but you may actually be
draining a relationship of the good will that you've created.
And studies have shown that when individuals are given feedback
they didn't ask for, it can lead to a decrease
in intrinsic motivation. When people feel like their actions are
being externally regulated rather than self motivated, their intrinsic desire
(26:42):
to perform the task diminishes. So not only are you
limiting their ability to change, you're also limiting your own
ability to change if you're not qualifying someone else's advice.
And in a very extreme sense, there's a cumulative effect
of criticism. Repeated exposure to unsolicited feedback, particularly if it
(27:05):
is critical, can lead to feelings of helplessness or learned helplessness.
This can also lead to exhaustion. Some of us are
so exhausted hearing from people who are giving us unsolicited
fus and feedback that we are drained of energy. Please
create a distance, a boundary and a barrier from this energy.
(27:28):
You don't deserve it, and it also becomes extremely, extremely
difficult for you to continue to tolerate it. If you're
someone who's struggling around a group of people, please feel
free to set boundaries, set barriers, and distance yourself. And
the third and final habit is stop spending time with
people who only talk about themselves and stop talking just
(27:51):
about yourself. It's so important that we spend time with
people who are curious about us and we are curious
about others. We feel drained when we're constantly just hearing
about someone else's stresses, pains and problems, and we kind
of do it because we want to people please. We
want to be good, we want to be nice, we
want to be seen as nice, but actually encouraging them
(28:13):
to get help, encouraging them to spread their support, introducing
them to great insights podcast places to turn to can
make a huge difference. I really believe these three habits
will help you reclaim your energy in twenty twenty five.
Stop draining your energy and start protecting it. Wish you
all the best. I'm so excited for this year and
(28:36):
our continued journey of growth together and I can't wait
for you to listen to the next episode. Remember there
are new episodes every Monday and every Friday. Every Monday
we have a new guest session, and every Friday we
have a new workshop. Make sure to tune in and
remember we have six years of episodes available for you
to go back and listen to. Thanks for being a
(28:58):
part of On Purpose. I appreciate at you. Remember I'm
forever in your corner and always rooting for you. If
you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with doctor
Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace
difficult feelings. You've just got to be motivated every day
and if you're not, then what are you doing? And
(29:18):
actually humans don't work that way motivation. You have to
treat it like any other emotion. Some days it will
be there, some days it won't
Host
Jay Shetty
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