April 11, 2025 • 25 mins
Do you find it hard to make new friends lately?
Have your friendships changed as you've gotten older?
Why does making new friends as an adult feel like running a marathon with no finish line? Today, Jay takes us on a thoughtful journey into the world of adult friendships — where connections aren’t forged on playgrounds or dorm rooms anymore, but instead in between meetings, family commitments, and the weight of life’s expectations.
Jay peels back the layers of why forming new bonds can feel so exhausting as we grow older. He reveals how our changing priorities, unhealed wounds, and limited energy all shape how — and with whom — we connect. With warmth and wisdom, he invites us to explore what true friendship really looks like in adulthood, and why it’s less about quantity and more about alignment, presence, and purpose.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Let Go of Friendships That No Longer Serve You
How to Stop Forcing Deep Bonds Too Quickly
How to Approach Friendship with Curiosity Instead of Expectation
How to Stay Open to New Relationships at Any Age
How to Cultivate Meaningful Conversations that Matter
Friendships don’t have to be instant to be real. Trust that the right connections will meet you when you show up as your authentic self.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there!
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
01:39 This Is The Core Traits Of Real Friends
05:55 Why Making Friends Gets Exhausting As We Age?
09:53 Age Makes You More Doubtful
13:01 With Age, You Become More Selective
17:28 Why Do We Do Things More When There’s Less Friction?
20:38 Be Honest And Tell The People You Want To Build Friendship With
23:58 Find Your Person at Work And Invest In Genuine Friendship
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience on Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jysheddy, dop me Forward Slash Tour and get
yours today. When you become an adult, you maybe see
(00:48):
your friends once a week if you're lucky, for an
hour or two, so it's much harder to build that
depth and because of this, we often find it more
comfortable to be around old friends, even if we don't
connect and don't resonate, compared to new friends who we
may have to make more effort with the number one
(01:10):
health and well Inness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Chetty, Hey, everyone,
Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn,
and grow. My name's Jay Chetty, and I am grateful
as ever that you decided to tune in, whether you're
driving to work, driving back, walking, walking your dog, working out, cooking,
(01:35):
whatever you're up to. Thank you for being here right
now now. A couple of weeks ago, I posted a
TikTok Instagram reel and I was talking about the difference
between real friends and fake friends. And it was something
I was thinking about for a while now because I
(01:55):
started to find that as we get older, we start
to think different about friendships. I remember seeing this quote
years ago and it was on a meme and it
said my circle has gone smaller but grown in value,
and it showed a large coin that was thinner moving
into a smaller coin that was thicker and worth more.
(02:19):
And it's just interesting how I think so many of
us think about our relationships that way. So in this
TikTok and in this real I said, real friends clap
the loudest when you win, even if they're still waiting
for their turn. Think about that for a minute. Real
friends don't get jealous, they don't get envious. That's one
(02:40):
of the core traits of a real friend. When they
see you win, they see what's possible. When they see
you win, they want to know how they can join
in and celebrate, how they can make you feel happy,
how they can honor what you've achieved. I then went
on to say, real friend lift you up even when
(03:02):
they're carrying their own weight. I think so many of
us have been this friend. So many of us have
these friends that show up for us even when we
know it isn't easy for them. I then said, real
friends know your success is a reflection of hard work,
not luck. When you start to become successful, when you
(03:24):
start to make moves, when you start to see some progress,
people around you will start to say you're lucky, You're fortunate.
You should be grateful. Now here's the thing. You should
feel that way. It's great to feel grateful, fortunate, and
lucky when it's for yourself. But your real friends see
and remind you that it was your hard work that
(03:46):
paid off. It was your hustle, it was your commitment,
it was your dedication, it was the hours that you
put in. They saw that, They know that, and they
remind you of that. I then went on to say,
real friends are happy to see you shine because your
light doesn't dim theirs, and real friends do the same back.
(04:09):
But something I've heard from so many of you recently
is that making new friends as an adult is exhausting,
and we want it to be easier. Right. We all
want to have meaningful relationships. We keep hearing about it
in every podcast, in every episode, that the quality of
your relationships defines the quality of your life. It's the
(04:33):
thing that we hold as the highest metric in what
makes us feel like we had a good life at
the end of our life. Yet as we grow older,
we change jobs, we move countries, we move cities, and
it feels as though we don't have the same friends
around us, or some of us may have the same
friends around us and we haven't moved, but we've grown. Right,
(04:54):
You may not have moved city or moved country, but
you've moved on and so that group of friends that
you up around doesn't feel like your people anymore. For me,
I've moved so much right in my years of being
an adult. I've lived in India, I've lived in New York,
I've lived in la I have moved around a lot.
(05:16):
And one thing that I knew I had to do
as I was moving, was prioritize building community, building friendships
as much as I focused on building my career. Wherever
I went, I made it a priority to build community.
And the reason was because I didn't want to be lonely.
I didn't want to end up feeling like I'd achieved
(05:36):
all my goals but that I didn't have anyone to
share it with. I didn't want to feel like I'd
achieved what I wanted to do, but I didn't have
people that I had memories with. And so today's episode
is for anyone who's thinking about making friends as an
adult but finds it exhausting and wants it to be easier.
So I want to start with this. First of all,
(05:58):
if you feel like it's exhausting to make friends as
you get older, you're not imagining it. It's true. It's
actually harder. Researchers have actually studied this. A massive twenty
twenty meta analysis found that friendship networks start shrinking after
your mid twenties, not because you're doing anything wrong, but
(06:20):
because life just changes. Work ramps up, people move, Family
becomes more central. You have kids to think about, right,
you have family members to worry about. Social psychologist Robin
Dunbar says we can only maintain about one hundred and
fifty meaningful relationships, and to be honest, that sounds exhausting
(06:41):
in and of itself. But they go on to say,
we can only have five close friends, and in our thirties,
sometimes those five people just become our partner, her kids,
and one of our parents or maybe two of our parents,
And so that number five is so limited. By the way,
this is natural. Your social energy gets stretched dinner, you
(07:04):
got to think about work, you got to think about responsibilities.
So first of all, it's really natural. It's not because
there's something wrong with you. It's not because you made
a mistake. It's not because you're weak. Right, So here's
a mini experiment that I want to share with you.
For this one, ask yourself this question who do I miss?
(07:25):
I call this the who do I Miss? Test? Ask yourself?
Who have I thought about lately and wished I saw
more of? Who's that person in our life that we
actually have a lot of good memories with And maybe
they've moved, maybe we've moved, maybe we don't see each
other as much, Maybe they got a new job, maybe
(07:46):
you had a kid. Who's that person you genuinely miss.
Who's that person that you have so many good memories
with but it's just been a while. Here's what I
want you to do. I want you to text them,
text that person and say, hey, I miss seeing you.
Should we grab a quick coffee? Should we go for
(08:08):
a walk? Or if you live far away, do we
need to arrange something? You know, it doesn't need to
be a huge plan. You can start small, even with
a zoom or a FaceTime. But reconnect with the one
person who already gets you. I think so often we
think we have to have new friends, We think we
have to move on. But there's someone in your life
who deeply gets you, who already knows your heart, who
(08:31):
can already read in between the lines. I reconnected with
some of my high school friends, and it's really interesting
because when you went to high school with someone, you
just have a shorthand. And I think there's a mistake
we make with this mindset as well. We think that
our old friends were our real friends and our new
friends are not real friends. The difference is time when
(08:55):
you were young, you spend every hour at school with
the friend. You then probably came home and spoke to
them on the phone or texted the message that maybe
even went out with them. We were spending around nine
hours a day minimum with someone, and that's how we
became friends over three, five, seven, eight years of our life.
(09:19):
When you become an adult, you maybe see your friends
once a week, if you're lucky, for an hour or two.
So it's much harder to build that depth. And because
of this, we often find it more comfortable to be
around old friends, even if we don't connect and don't resonate,
compared to new friends who we may have to make
(09:40):
more effort with. I think that's part of where the
exhausting thing comes from. Right. It's like with new friends,
you got to show up, you got to make plans.
You feel like you can't just be on your phone,
you can't just lay back. It actually requires something of you.
And I think this is principle number two. I want
you to recognize that your brain has become more guarded. Now. See,
(10:01):
when you're younger, your brain's more plastic, more open to novelty.
But by your thirties, your brain actually becomes more risk averse.
According to neuroscience research, you're a migdaler, the part of
your brain that handles. Fear lights up more when meeting
new people. As you age, we become more cynical, more skeptical,
(10:22):
more doubtful. Why because you now have more experiences of rejection,
of awkwardness, maybe people stabbing you in the back, mistreating you,
people not being loyal. So your brain tries to protect
you by making you avoid potential discomfort. So it's not
just you being antisocial. Right. You might be thinking, Hey,
(10:43):
I just feel like I'm becoming more an introvert. I
feel like I'm being more antisocial. No, it's your brain
plain defense, right, that's what's happening. You're being more defensive
and this is natural. Again, but what does that do?
It means we spend less time and more skeptical time
with new people, and we assume that we can't make
good friends anymore. I want you to try something out.
(11:06):
Here's a mini experiment. I call it the two minute rule.
Next time you're in a new space, like an event,
a workout, class, a friend's dinner, friend's birthday, just make
a two minute connection. Compliment someone, ask a question, say
one friendly sentence. No pressure to make a new bestie. Write,
You're just training your brain to stop seeing socializing as
(11:29):
a threat, smile it someone in the line, start a
conversation with someone while you're waiting in line, whatever it
may be. And by the way, it may feel weird
at first, but you start to realize how everyone's craving it.
Everyone is craving connection. Everyone around you wants to connect
with someone, wants to break out their mold. Is looking
for friends. That's what I've realized as adults, more of
(11:52):
us are looking for friends than we believe. It's just
that everyone's acting too cool. Everyone's acting like they don't
need it. Everyone's acting like, you know, it's just not
what they're looking for. And because of that, we start
to think, oh, well, you know, why am I the
one putting in effort. So it's just something to think about.
I want you to pause for a second and ask yourself,
(12:14):
when have you actually had someone in your life that
you drifted away from, someone that you may not even
have a reason, and maybe there was a hidden reason.
Sometimes we've disconnected from someone because of a hidden reason.
You didn't really have a falling out, you didn't really
(12:37):
stop talking, but you stop talking, if you know what
I mean. And it's so important to figure out what
The root of that was because sometimes it's harder to
make new friends and it's exhausting, and it can be
easier to reconnect with an old friend. So this may
not be someone you miss, it may not be something
you think about, but it's someone you drifted away from,
(12:59):
but you I really don't know why. Now. Something that
happens with new friends as we get older is you're
more selective now. And that's not a bad thing. In
your thirties, you care more about alignment than abundance of friends.
Right in your thirties, as you get older, in your forties,
as an adult, you focus on alignment more than abundance.
(13:23):
You've been burned. You're tired of fake friends, flaky plans,
and emotional one way streets, and psychologists call this motivated selectivity.
You start prioritizing depth over breadth. Now that's not a weakness,
but it's a surprise because when you were younger, you
maybe didn't do that, and maybe that was the reason
(13:45):
you got burned. Right, how many of you had friends
when you were younger and you almost just were best
friends overnight, and then you realize that that person you
know was trying to get with your boyfriend was needy,
was exploiting you in some way, whatever it may have been.
So we become more selective as we get older, which
there's nothing wrong with, but it can feel lonelier at
(14:07):
first because you're waiting for deeper connections while only shallow
ones seem easy to find. See, the interesting thing is
we want a deep connection, but every deep connection started
off shallow. Think about that for a second. Every deep
connection started off shallow. Now, sometimes you have this instant chemistry,
(14:31):
instant spark with someone. Now that's beautiful when you have that.
I someone has had that with someone on the podcast.
That doesn't mean it needs to turn into a full
blown best friend situation. But it's important to realize that
you can't build a deep connection without walking through the shallow.
So you have to ask yourself, who have you met recently?
(14:54):
Who have you connected with recently that you haven't put
enough effort in with? You know, you need to put
an effort. Yes, it's going to be exhausting, maybe the
first time, maybe the second time, I promise you, by
the third time, it's not that exhausting. Right By the
third time, it's you feel natural. The first time it
might be exhausting. Second time, it might be exhausting. We
(15:14):
have to push through that because imagine if one of
your greatest friends is three hangouts away, right, We're so
scared of the exhausting three hangouts that we don't realize
that by the fourth time, I'm going to be able
to connect with this person and actually that person becomes
someone easy for life, That person becomes someone natural for
(15:38):
life that I can go to. It's good enough. It's
worth it to sit through the three awkward, exhausting, tiring
times to break through that barrier and give it a go.
So give it a go. That person that you've connected
with recently, reach out to them, set up on one
on one hang out, check in, work out, what, whatever
(16:00):
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(17:28):
we make it much easier? There's something I love. I
call it the friction rule. Research and behavioral science shows
we do things more when there's less friction aka less effort.
So don't try to start brand new routines. Instead ask
where am I already going that I could add a
(17:50):
connection to. If I go to a workout, let me
have someone that I go to that workout with. Right.
If I go for a walk after work, let me
find someone I have that walk with. If I love
going out for a bunch on the weekend, let me
add someone to that. So it's the tag along invite.
Next time we go into the gym, farmers market, or
even errands, text someone, Hey, I'm going here, do you
(18:11):
want to come with me? It's low pressure. It adds
connection to something you're already doing, so now it's less exhausting.
The exhausting part is when you have to create plans,
add plans, make plans, make time. This is something you're
doing already. It doesn't create friction in your life. That's
why it's the no friction rule. Number one. Use the
(18:33):
no friction rule to me. This has become one of
my secret weapons. I feel like I'm able to spend
so much quality time with people without having to make
it crazy and without feeling like I'm having to take
more time out of my life. Another thing I love
is creating micro routines. There's a lot of people that
I can't see every week, people that I like, people
(18:56):
that I actually would like to spend more time with,
but I couldn't see them every week because I want
to prioritize my time with my wife, I want to
prioritize my time on my own, and I want to
prioritize my time with my team. So big plans often
get canceled, but tiny rituals create consistency, which is what
friendships actually need to grow as adults. Right, So when
(19:16):
you were young, you saw someone at school every day. Now,
as adults, you're not going to be able to do that.
So research shows it takes about ninety hours to form
a casual friend and two hundred hours to get close.
But that time isn't going to happen very quickly as
an adult. It happened like in one year at school,
(19:36):
less than right. That's the point. You did that in
one semester at school. You're not doing that with your
adult friends. So try this. Try the mini experiment of
a ten minute touch point. Pick one person you like
and set a calendar reminder to text them once a week.
You can say Hey, randomly thought of you, just checking in,
(19:56):
how's your week? Do you want to catch up this month?
It allowed you to keep someone on your radar, they're
on yours, and you keep watering the seed. I do this.
Every time I think of someone, I messages them, and
nine nine percent of the time I get a message
that says I was just thinking of you too. And
I love it when this happens because it makes you
realize the people you naturally connect with. Someone may even say, hey,
(20:17):
I just thought of you. You're not going to walk tomorrow. Hey,
I'm going to this event. You want to join me? Hey,
I'm going on a hike. Do you want to join me?
Like it becomes this really easy way to connect with people,
and it takes away the stress and the pressure that
we add on to friendships. Right. We often think it
has to be a big plan, it has to be
really interesting. It's the micro routines that win. This is
(20:39):
probably my favorite one and one that I've used a
lot since moving LA. I call it say the thing.
Sometimes the best way to spark connection is to admit
you want it. One study found that people consistently underestimate
how much others like them after meeting. This is known
as the liking gap. We assume we're awkward or annoying,
(21:03):
but we're usually way more appreciated than we think. Think
about this for a second. When was the last time
you connected with someone and you walked away thinking, Oh,
they probably think I'm not that interesting. Guess what? That
person walked away feeling the exact same thing, unless you're
both narcissists, and in that case, you walked away thinking
(21:23):
that you're the best thing they ever happened to them.
But most of us we doubt ourselves right. We doubt
whether we were interesting enough, whether we were friendly enough,
whether we were nice enough, and we overthink that and
then we don't know how we feel about it. So
here's what I want you to try out. I want
you to try out the honest message. Send this to
(21:46):
someone you kind of know but want to know better. Hey,
I loved our conversation lately. Let's grab some lunch. Right.
It feels awkward for ten seconds, but it opens a door,
and I promise you people are looking for this. I
originally had an I was at an event. Someone came
up to me. They were saying to me how much
they liked my work. I realized I knew of their work.
(22:07):
They're behind the scenes and they do amazing stuff too.
Then we connected on a zoom call, and for me,
it was just so easy, like I just vibed with
this person, and I realized it's so important to wear
your heart on your sleeve. Right. I wear my heart
on my sleeve because I'd rather someone know where I
stand with them than keep them guessing and keep myself
(22:29):
distant from a great relationship. So a lot of this
is hard, it does feel weird, but I want you
to focus on the one you miss, the one you
drifted from, the one you haven't invested in yet, and overall,
it's about recognizing that the reason why it's harder to
make friends as an adult is because it almost takes
(22:54):
longer for that person to get caught up. It's almost
like they're meeting you at chapter third and you're like, wow,
now they need to understand chapter one to thirty to
understand me. And it's a really tough pressure to put
on to someone you just met. Right, even if you
told that person your whole life story, they'll never get
(23:15):
caught up in one swoop. But guess what when your
parents in town get everyone together when your friends are
in town. Get everyone together. When you can start to
do that, the person gets an opportunity to piece your
story together over time. Now you're not trying to play
catch up, and you're also not putting the pressure of
(23:35):
saying hey, only if you understand the first nineteen chapters
of my life? Do you understand the twentieth Some people
walked into our life in the twentieth chapter, and guess
what they're going to be here till our fortieth chapter.
They're gonna understand us. Give them some grace. Stop putting
so much pressure on the new people in your life.
(23:58):
The last thing I want to talk about is the
need to connect with colleagues. We spend so much time
at work. We spend so much time with the people
around us at work, but often they're the last people
we want to be friends with. Yes it could be hard,
Yes it could be difficult. Yes you may not trust them,
(24:20):
but if you can, it's worth investing in one good
friend at work. We're going to spend a third of
our lifetimes at work. It's important that we feel like
we can be comfortable and genuinely ourselves with at least
one person and I promise you people at work are
looking for the same thing. They may want to rush
(24:41):
and get home. They may have someone at home that
understands them better. Of course, they have their own friends.
You're not trying to compete, You're not trying to get
in the way of another relationship in their life. But
if we're going to spend so much time at work,
it's important to try and find someone there and that
makes it less exhausting. You're seeing this person anyway, you
connect to do with this person anyway, make an extra
(25:02):
bit of effort and it will go a long way.
Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope
this helps you reconnect with some people in your life
and I can't wait for you to listen to the
next episode. I am always in your corner and I'm
rooting for you. Thanks for listening. Hey everyone, if you
love that conversation, go and check out my episode with
(25:25):
the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the
biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes
to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to
figure out that space right now, you won't want to
miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
(25:49):
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience on Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jysheddy, dop me Forward Slash Tour and get
yours today. When you become an adult, you maybe see
(00:48):
your friends once a week if you're lucky, for an
hour or two, so it's much harder to build that
depth and because of this, we often find it more
comfortable to be around old friends, even if we don't
connect and don't resonate, compared to new friends who we
may have to make more effort with the number one
(01:10):
health and well Inness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Chetty, Hey, everyone,
Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn,
and grow. My name's Jay Chetty, and I am grateful
as ever that you decided to tune in, whether you're
driving to work, driving back, walking, walking your dog, working out, cooking,
(01:35):
whatever you're up to. Thank you for being here right
now now. A couple of weeks ago, I posted a
TikTok Instagram reel and I was talking about the difference
between real friends and fake friends. And it was something
I was thinking about for a while now because I
(01:55):
started to find that as we get older, we start
to think different about friendships. I remember seeing this quote
years ago and it was on a meme and it
said my circle has gone smaller but grown in value,
and it showed a large coin that was thinner moving
into a smaller coin that was thicker and worth more.
(02:19):
And it's just interesting how I think so many of
us think about our relationships that way. So in this
TikTok and in this real I said, real friends clap
the loudest when you win, even if they're still waiting
for their turn. Think about that for a minute. Real
friends don't get jealous, they don't get envious. That's one
(02:40):
of the core traits of a real friend. When they
see you win, they see what's possible. When they see
you win, they want to know how they can join
in and celebrate, how they can make you feel happy,
how they can honor what you've achieved. I then went
on to say, real friend lift you up even when
(03:02):
they're carrying their own weight. I think so many of
us have been this friend. So many of us have
these friends that show up for us even when we
know it isn't easy for them. I then said, real
friends know your success is a reflection of hard work,
not luck. When you start to become successful, when you
(03:24):
start to make moves, when you start to see some progress,
people around you will start to say you're lucky, You're fortunate.
You should be grateful. Now here's the thing. You should
feel that way. It's great to feel grateful, fortunate, and
lucky when it's for yourself. But your real friends see
and remind you that it was your hard work that
(03:46):
paid off. It was your hustle, it was your commitment,
it was your dedication, it was the hours that you
put in. They saw that, They know that, and they
remind you of that. I then went on to say,
real friends are happy to see you shine because your
light doesn't dim theirs, and real friends do the same back.
(04:09):
But something I've heard from so many of you recently
is that making new friends as an adult is exhausting,
and we want it to be easier. Right. We all
want to have meaningful relationships. We keep hearing about it
in every podcast, in every episode, that the quality of
your relationships defines the quality of your life. It's the
(04:33):
thing that we hold as the highest metric in what
makes us feel like we had a good life at
the end of our life. Yet as we grow older,
we change jobs, we move countries, we move cities, and
it feels as though we don't have the same friends
around us, or some of us may have the same
friends around us and we haven't moved, but we've grown. Right,
(04:54):
You may not have moved city or moved country, but
you've moved on and so that group of friends that
you up around doesn't feel like your people anymore. For me,
I've moved so much right in my years of being
an adult. I've lived in India, I've lived in New York,
I've lived in la I have moved around a lot.
(05:16):
And one thing that I knew I had to do
as I was moving, was prioritize building community, building friendships
as much as I focused on building my career. Wherever
I went, I made it a priority to build community.
And the reason was because I didn't want to be lonely.
I didn't want to end up feeling like I'd achieved
(05:36):
all my goals but that I didn't have anyone to
share it with. I didn't want to feel like I'd
achieved what I wanted to do, but I didn't have
people that I had memories with. And so today's episode
is for anyone who's thinking about making friends as an
adult but finds it exhausting and wants it to be easier.
So I want to start with this. First of all,
(05:58):
if you feel like it's exhausting to make friends as
you get older, you're not imagining it. It's true. It's
actually harder. Researchers have actually studied this. A massive twenty
twenty meta analysis found that friendship networks start shrinking after
your mid twenties, not because you're doing anything wrong, but
(06:20):
because life just changes. Work ramps up, people move, Family
becomes more central. You have kids to think about, right,
you have family members to worry about. Social psychologist Robin
Dunbar says we can only maintain about one hundred and
fifty meaningful relationships, and to be honest, that sounds exhausting
(06:41):
in and of itself. But they go on to say,
we can only have five close friends, and in our thirties,
sometimes those five people just become our partner, her kids,
and one of our parents or maybe two of our parents,
And so that number five is so limited. By the way,
this is natural. Your social energy gets stretched dinner, you
(07:04):
got to think about work, you got to think about responsibilities.
So first of all, it's really natural. It's not because
there's something wrong with you. It's not because you made
a mistake. It's not because you're weak. Right, So here's
a mini experiment that I want to share with you.
For this one, ask yourself this question who do I miss?
(07:25):
I call this the who do I Miss? Test? Ask yourself?
Who have I thought about lately and wished I saw
more of? Who's that person in our life that we
actually have a lot of good memories with And maybe
they've moved, maybe we've moved, maybe we don't see each
other as much, Maybe they got a new job, maybe
(07:46):
you had a kid. Who's that person you genuinely miss.
Who's that person that you have so many good memories
with but it's just been a while. Here's what I
want you to do. I want you to text them,
text that person and say, hey, I miss seeing you.
Should we grab a quick coffee? Should we go for
(08:08):
a walk? Or if you live far away, do we
need to arrange something? You know, it doesn't need to
be a huge plan. You can start small, even with
a zoom or a FaceTime. But reconnect with the one
person who already gets you. I think so often we
think we have to have new friends, We think we
have to move on. But there's someone in your life
who deeply gets you, who already knows your heart, who
(08:31):
can already read in between the lines. I reconnected with
some of my high school friends, and it's really interesting
because when you went to high school with someone, you
just have a shorthand. And I think there's a mistake
we make with this mindset as well. We think that
our old friends were our real friends and our new
friends are not real friends. The difference is time when
(08:55):
you were young, you spend every hour at school with
the friend. You then probably came home and spoke to
them on the phone or texted the message that maybe
even went out with them. We were spending around nine
hours a day minimum with someone, and that's how we
became friends over three, five, seven, eight years of our life.
(09:19):
When you become an adult, you maybe see your friends
once a week, if you're lucky, for an hour or two.
So it's much harder to build that depth. And because
of this, we often find it more comfortable to be
around old friends, even if we don't connect and don't resonate,
compared to new friends who we may have to make
(09:40):
more effort with. I think that's part of where the
exhausting thing comes from. Right. It's like with new friends,
you got to show up, you got to make plans.
You feel like you can't just be on your phone,
you can't just lay back. It actually requires something of you.
And I think this is principle number two. I want
you to recognize that your brain has become more guarded. Now. See,
(10:01):
when you're younger, your brain's more plastic, more open to novelty.
But by your thirties, your brain actually becomes more risk averse.
According to neuroscience research, you're a migdaler, the part of
your brain that handles. Fear lights up more when meeting
new people. As you age, we become more cynical, more skeptical,
(10:22):
more doubtful. Why because you now have more experiences of rejection,
of awkwardness, maybe people stabbing you in the back, mistreating you,
people not being loyal. So your brain tries to protect
you by making you avoid potential discomfort. So it's not
just you being antisocial. Right. You might be thinking, Hey,
(10:43):
I just feel like I'm becoming more an introvert. I
feel like I'm being more antisocial. No, it's your brain
plain defense, right, that's what's happening. You're being more defensive
and this is natural. Again, but what does that do?
It means we spend less time and more skeptical time
with new people, and we assume that we can't make
good friends anymore. I want you to try something out.
(11:06):
Here's a mini experiment. I call it the two minute rule.
Next time you're in a new space, like an event,
a workout, class, a friend's dinner, friend's birthday, just make
a two minute connection. Compliment someone, ask a question, say
one friendly sentence. No pressure to make a new bestie. Write,
You're just training your brain to stop seeing socializing as
(11:29):
a threat, smile it someone in the line, start a
conversation with someone while you're waiting in line, whatever it
may be. And by the way, it may feel weird
at first, but you start to realize how everyone's craving it.
Everyone is craving connection. Everyone around you wants to connect
with someone, wants to break out their mold. Is looking
for friends. That's what I've realized as adults, more of
(11:52):
us are looking for friends than we believe. It's just
that everyone's acting too cool. Everyone's acting like they don't
need it. Everyone's acting like, you know, it's just not
what they're looking for. And because of that, we start
to think, oh, well, you know, why am I the
one putting in effort. So it's just something to think about.
I want you to pause for a second and ask yourself,
(12:14):
when have you actually had someone in your life that
you drifted away from, someone that you may not even
have a reason, and maybe there was a hidden reason.
Sometimes we've disconnected from someone because of a hidden reason.
You didn't really have a falling out, you didn't really
(12:37):
stop talking, but you stop talking, if you know what
I mean. And it's so important to figure out what
The root of that was because sometimes it's harder to
make new friends and it's exhausting, and it can be
easier to reconnect with an old friend. So this may
not be someone you miss, it may not be something
you think about, but it's someone you drifted away from,
(12:59):
but you I really don't know why. Now. Something that
happens with new friends as we get older is you're
more selective now. And that's not a bad thing. In
your thirties, you care more about alignment than abundance of friends.
Right in your thirties, as you get older, in your forties,
as an adult, you focus on alignment more than abundance.
(13:23):
You've been burned. You're tired of fake friends, flaky plans,
and emotional one way streets, and psychologists call this motivated selectivity.
You start prioritizing depth over breadth. Now that's not a weakness,
but it's a surprise because when you were younger, you
maybe didn't do that, and maybe that was the reason
(13:45):
you got burned. Right, how many of you had friends
when you were younger and you almost just were best
friends overnight, and then you realize that that person you
know was trying to get with your boyfriend was needy,
was exploiting you in some way, whatever it may have been.
So we become more selective as we get older, which
there's nothing wrong with, but it can feel lonelier at
(14:07):
first because you're waiting for deeper connections while only shallow
ones seem easy to find. See, the interesting thing is
we want a deep connection, but every deep connection started
off shallow. Think about that for a second. Every deep
connection started off shallow. Now, sometimes you have this instant chemistry,
(14:31):
instant spark with someone. Now that's beautiful when you have that.
I someone has had that with someone on the podcast.
That doesn't mean it needs to turn into a full
blown best friend situation. But it's important to realize that
you can't build a deep connection without walking through the shallow.
So you have to ask yourself, who have you met recently?
(14:54):
Who have you connected with recently that you haven't put
enough effort in with? You know, you need to put
an effort. Yes, it's going to be exhausting, maybe the
first time, maybe the second time, I promise you, by
the third time, it's not that exhausting. Right By the
third time, it's you feel natural. The first time it
might be exhausting. Second time, it might be exhausting. We
(15:14):
have to push through that because imagine if one of
your greatest friends is three hangouts away, right, We're so
scared of the exhausting three hangouts that we don't realize
that by the fourth time, I'm going to be able
to connect with this person and actually that person becomes
someone easy for life, That person becomes someone natural for
(15:38):
life that I can go to. It's good enough. It's
worth it to sit through the three awkward, exhausting, tiring
times to break through that barrier and give it a go.
So give it a go. That person that you've connected
with recently, reach out to them, set up on one
on one hang out, check in, work out, what, whatever
(16:00):
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(17:07):
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(17:28):
we make it much easier? There's something I love. I
call it the friction rule. Research and behavioral science shows
we do things more when there's less friction aka less effort.
So don't try to start brand new routines. Instead ask
where am I already going that I could add a
(17:50):
connection to. If I go to a workout, let me
have someone that I go to that workout with. Right.
If I go for a walk after work, let me
find someone I have that walk with. If I love
going out for a bunch on the weekend, let me
add someone to that. So it's the tag along invite.
Next time we go into the gym, farmers market, or
even errands, text someone, Hey, I'm going here, do you
(18:11):
want to come with me? It's low pressure. It adds
connection to something you're already doing, so now it's less exhausting.
The exhausting part is when you have to create plans,
add plans, make plans, make time. This is something you're
doing already. It doesn't create friction in your life. That's
why it's the no friction rule. Number one. Use the
(18:33):
no friction rule to me. This has become one of
my secret weapons. I feel like I'm able to spend
so much quality time with people without having to make
it crazy and without feeling like I'm having to take
more time out of my life. Another thing I love
is creating micro routines. There's a lot of people that
I can't see every week, people that I like, people
(18:56):
that I actually would like to spend more time with,
but I couldn't see them every week because I want
to prioritize my time with my wife, I want to
prioritize my time on my own, and I want to
prioritize my time with my team. So big plans often
get canceled, but tiny rituals create consistency, which is what
friendships actually need to grow as adults. Right, So when
(19:16):
you were young, you saw someone at school every day. Now,
as adults, you're not going to be able to do that.
So research shows it takes about ninety hours to form
a casual friend and two hundred hours to get close.
But that time isn't going to happen very quickly as
an adult. It happened like in one year at school,
(19:36):
less than right. That's the point. You did that in
one semester at school. You're not doing that with your
adult friends. So try this. Try the mini experiment of
a ten minute touch point. Pick one person you like
and set a calendar reminder to text them once a week.
You can say Hey, randomly thought of you, just checking in,
(19:56):
how's your week? Do you want to catch up this month?
It allowed you to keep someone on your radar, they're
on yours, and you keep watering the seed. I do this.
Every time I think of someone, I messages them, and
nine nine percent of the time I get a message
that says I was just thinking of you too. And
I love it when this happens because it makes you
realize the people you naturally connect with. Someone may even say, hey,
(20:17):
I just thought of you. You're not going to walk tomorrow. Hey,
I'm going to this event. You want to join me? Hey,
I'm going on a hike. Do you want to join me?
Like it becomes this really easy way to connect with people,
and it takes away the stress and the pressure that
we add on to friendships. Right. We often think it
has to be a big plan, it has to be
really interesting. It's the micro routines that win. This is
(20:39):
probably my favorite one and one that I've used a
lot since moving LA. I call it say the thing.
Sometimes the best way to spark connection is to admit
you want it. One study found that people consistently underestimate
how much others like them after meeting. This is known
as the liking gap. We assume we're awkward or annoying,
(21:03):
but we're usually way more appreciated than we think. Think
about this for a second. When was the last time
you connected with someone and you walked away thinking, Oh,
they probably think I'm not that interesting. Guess what? That
person walked away feeling the exact same thing, unless you're
both narcissists, and in that case, you walked away thinking
(21:23):
that you're the best thing they ever happened to them.
But most of us we doubt ourselves right. We doubt
whether we were interesting enough, whether we were friendly enough,
whether we were nice enough, and we overthink that and
then we don't know how we feel about it. So
here's what I want you to try out. I want
you to try out the honest message. Send this to
(21:46):
someone you kind of know but want to know better. Hey,
I loved our conversation lately. Let's grab some lunch. Right.
It feels awkward for ten seconds, but it opens a door,
and I promise you people are looking for this. I
originally had an I was at an event. Someone came
up to me. They were saying to me how much
they liked my work. I realized I knew of their work.
(22:07):
They're behind the scenes and they do amazing stuff too.
Then we connected on a zoom call, and for me,
it was just so easy, like I just vibed with
this person, and I realized it's so important to wear
your heart on your sleeve. Right. I wear my heart
on my sleeve because I'd rather someone know where I
stand with them than keep them guessing and keep myself
(22:29):
distant from a great relationship. So a lot of this
is hard, it does feel weird, but I want you
to focus on the one you miss, the one you
drifted from, the one you haven't invested in yet, and overall,
it's about recognizing that the reason why it's harder to
make friends as an adult is because it almost takes
(22:54):
longer for that person to get caught up. It's almost
like they're meeting you at chapter third and you're like, wow,
now they need to understand chapter one to thirty to
understand me. And it's a really tough pressure to put
on to someone you just met. Right, even if you
told that person your whole life story, they'll never get
(23:15):
caught up in one swoop. But guess what when your
parents in town get everyone together when your friends are
in town. Get everyone together. When you can start to
do that, the person gets an opportunity to piece your
story together over time. Now you're not trying to play
catch up, and you're also not putting the pressure of
(23:35):
saying hey, only if you understand the first nineteen chapters
of my life? Do you understand the twentieth Some people
walked into our life in the twentieth chapter, and guess
what they're going to be here till our fortieth chapter.
They're gonna understand us. Give them some grace. Stop putting
so much pressure on the new people in your life.
(23:58):
The last thing I want to talk about is the
need to connect with colleagues. We spend so much time
at work. We spend so much time with the people
around us at work, but often they're the last people
we want to be friends with. Yes it could be hard,
Yes it could be difficult. Yes you may not trust them,
(24:20):
but if you can, it's worth investing in one good
friend at work. We're going to spend a third of
our lifetimes at work. It's important that we feel like
we can be comfortable and genuinely ourselves with at least
one person and I promise you people at work are
looking for the same thing. They may want to rush
(24:41):
and get home. They may have someone at home that
understands them better. Of course, they have their own friends.
You're not trying to compete, You're not trying to get
in the way of another relationship in their life. But
if we're going to spend so much time at work,
it's important to try and find someone there and that
makes it less exhausting. You're seeing this person anyway, you
connect to do with this person anyway, make an extra
(25:02):
bit of effort and it will go a long way.
Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope
this helps you reconnect with some people in your life
and I can't wait for you to listen to the
next episode. I am always in your corner and I'm
rooting for you. Thanks for listening. Hey everyone, if you
love that conversation, go and check out my episode with
(25:25):
the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the
biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes
to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to
figure out that space right now, you won't want to
miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.
(25:49):
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.
Host
Jay Shetty
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