April 25, 2025 • 32 mins
When was the last time you actually put yourself first, no matter what anyone else thought?
Have you ever felt a wave of guilt just for trying to set boundaries and protect your peace?
Today, Jay dives into a powerful idea: letting go of the responsibilities that were never really yours to begin with. So many of us carry the weight of other people’s expectations, emotions, and opinions — and it leaves us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and disconnected from ourselves. Jay unpacks how we often take on things like managing how others feel or trying to live up to impossible standards, and how doing that can block us from real freedom, creativity, and growth.
Throughout the episode, Jay reinforces the message that boundaries are not selfish but necessary for healthy relationships and self-respect. He reminds us that our worth isn’t something we have to earn by meeting expectations or chasing approval. When we stop trying to control things that aren’t really ours to manage, life feels lighter, more real, and full of possibility.
In this episode, you'll learn:
How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
How to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
How to Support Others Without Fixing Their Problems
How to Maintain Your Own Emotional Balance
How to Prioritize Your Well-Being Over Pleasing Others
Remember, life becomes lighter when you let go of what was never yours to carry. No matter what challenges you face, trust that you are enough just as you are, and you have the strength to live authentically.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.
Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there!
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
00:47 Stop Carrying What’s Not Yours to Fix
02:34 #1: You’re Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings
07:33 #2: You’re Not Responsible for How Other People See You
15:05 #3: You’re Not Responsible for Fixing Other People’s Problems
19:38 #4: You’re Not Responsible for Meeting Others’ Expectations
24:35 #5: You’re Not Responsible for How Other People Treat You
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
yours today. You're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't
(00:51):
fix what's broken inside them. That's their work to do.
You're not responsible for their unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits,
not their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger.
The reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt
(01:14):
that isn't yours. The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Jay Shetty Jay Sheddy, Hey everyone, welcome back to On
Purpose the place you come to listen, learn and grow.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
I'm your host, Jay Sheddy, and today we're talking about
the things you're not responsible for. I don't know about you,
but I feel like we all carry and feel responsible
for more than we can hold. Sometimes the weight feels
so heavy, and we're trying to carry our parents' expectations,
(01:52):
We're trying to carry the responsibilities that we have on
a day to day basis. We're trying to carry people's
emotions and feelings and pain, and it can often feel
like it's just weighing so heavy, and at the end
of trying to carry all of this, you just feel
like falling and breaking down. I'm sure you felt the
same way, where you feel like the weight you're carrying
(02:15):
is getting heavier every single year. And the weight of
people's expectations, opinions, obligations, whatever it may be, never ever stops.
In fact, it just continues to grow and accelerate as
time goes on. As you listen to this episode today,
(02:37):
I want it to be freeing. I want you to
feel lighter, I want you to feel liberated. As you
listen to this episode, I want you to feel like
you can actually move and think and have space to create,
because what we don't realize is when we feel responsible
(02:58):
for things that we don't need to be responsible for,
we are blocked. Our creativity is blocked, our passions are blocked,
our time is blocked. So much of our intuition is
blocked because we're making space and room for everything else.
(03:20):
So the first thing that I want to talk about,
the first thing you're not responsible for is other people's feelings.
You can respect them, but their emotional reactions aren't yours
to carry or fix. You can be kind to people,
(03:41):
but people will still feel hurt. You can be present
with people, but they can still feel distant. You can
be thoughtful, but people will still feel unheard. You are
not responsible for other people's feelings. I remember being that
(04:03):
person where I would overanalyze every text, every email, every message,
every interaction to say things perfectly, to say things in
a way that there would be no opportunity for misinterpretation
or fall out. And guess what, people were still upset.
(04:25):
People were still hurt. Not because I wanted them to
be hurt, if anything, I was trying to avoid that.
But I found that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.
If someone wants to be hurt, they'll be hurt no
matter what you say. If someone wants to be mad
at you, they'll be mad at you no matter what
(04:47):
you say. If someone wants to feel upset with you,
they'll feel upset with you no matter what you say
or do. If someone has made their mind up about
how they feel about you, there is nothing you can
do to fix it. You can be kind, you can
(05:08):
be respectful, you can try, but you can't be responsible
for their feelings. Because why if you're responsible for their feelings,
your time, your energy starts to follow theirs. If they're
in a good mood, you're in a good mood. If
they're in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood.
If they're high energy, your high energy. If they're low energy,
(05:29):
you're low energy. Constantly we feel our highs and lows
are mirroring the highs and lows of the person we're
tied to. Often, the hardest people to do this with
is our parents. We feel responsible for our parents' feelings.
So when your parents going through something really, really difficult,
maybe they're going through a transition, maybe they're going through
(05:51):
a shift or a change, and all of a sudden.
Not only are you constantly thinking about their feelings, you
feel responsible for them. You feel it's your job to
make today a great day for them. You try and
change everything, You change your whole routine, You call them
first thing in the morning, you put aside other tasks.
(06:14):
And by the way, this is all well intentioned and
it's a beautiful act of love. But what we don't
realize is we haven't helped them develop the emotional skills
and tools they need. You're trying to be a mood shifter,
a mood changer for that person, rather than putting the
(06:35):
control in their hand. It's almost like saying, hey, I'll
decide what to watch watch tonight. Hey I'll decide what
to order tonight. And sure, it can be great to
create that space in the short term, but long term,
the goal is to equip that person with the ability
to make choices about their own feelings. Trust me when
(06:57):
I say this, This is not about being hard hearted.
It's not about not caring. It's not about not loving
someone you really, really love. It's about recognizing that real
love is helping someone learn how to choose their feelings
and emotions. You're not helping someone if you're deabilitating them,
(07:21):
you're not helping someone if they're dependent on you to
feel good. If someone's dependent on you to feel good,
you have not helped them. You've stalled them. Think about
that for a second. If someone is dependent on you
to feel happy, you have not helped them, You've actually
(07:42):
hurt them, because that means when you're not available, when
you're not accessible, when you're not capable, when you don't
have time or space, that person can't find that joy.
I'm sure that's not what you want for them. So
we don't want to feel respect responsible for other people's feelings.
(08:03):
We want to feel connected in helping them, supporting them,
being there for them, but not responsible, because when you're
responsible for it, you then take it into your own
life and start to carry it. The second thing you're
not responsible for is how people perceive you. You can
(08:26):
say everything right and people will still think you're wrong.
You can speak the truth and people will still think
you're lying. You can try to explain yourself and people
will still misunderstand you. You are not responsible for how
(08:49):
people perceive you. They might base it off a first
impression something someone else said, something they heard. If someone
chooses to perceive you based on another person's opinion of you,
that means they don't want to get to know you.
(09:10):
Let me say that again. If someone bases their perception
of you based on how another person perceives you, they
don't actually want to get to know you. If someone
told you that someone else was lazy, disorganized, and you
take their word for it, it means you don't want
(09:31):
to make the time or the energy to actually get
to know that person, because chances are if you did
get to know them, you might realize that, just like
all of us, they're lazy in some ways, but they're
organized in other ways. So if we're using people as
our shortcuts to learn about people, then guess what, we
(09:53):
don't want to deeply get to know that person. So
you're not responsible for how people perceive you because people
will p see you through all sorts of ways. Think
about this for a second. What's the one word someone
would use to describe you if they saw you but
didn't speak to you. Second question, how would someone describe
(10:19):
you in one word if they spoke to you for
a few minutes. Now, imagine if someone spoke to you
for a few hours. I'm guessing. There's a big difference
in how someone perceives you when they see you and
don't speak to you, when they speak to you for
a few minutes, and when they speak to you for
a few hours. That's definitely true for me, right. I
(10:43):
feel like if someone saw me, they may have a
certain perception. If someone spoke to me for a few minutes,
they'll have another perception. And if someone spend hours or
months or years with me, they'll have a different perception.
How can you possibly be responsible for how people perceive
you when the way people see you is the way
(11:04):
they see the world. The way people see you is
how they often look at themselves. The way people see
you is how they've felt seen or unseen in the past.
The way people see you is based on someone else
they met that was kind of like you. There are
(11:26):
so many touch points as to how someone deciphers and
decides how they perceive you. You could try and be
really nice and someone will say they're trying too hard.
You could be a little stand offish and people will say, oh,
they're really distant and absent. You could try and be
(11:47):
really interested and curious and people will say they ask
too many questions you could be a little more introverted,
and people say, oh, they suck the energy out of
the room. How people will perceive your silence is different.
Some people perceive it as a strength, as a power.
(12:08):
Some people perceive it as a weakness. I really understood
this when I lived in the monastery and we were
exposed to this idea of humility, and humility was seen
as the number one quality that humans could aspire for.
But today when people demonstrate humility, people often think of
(12:31):
it as low self esteem, or they think of it
as low self worth. They don't value it. They value
someone who's got a bit of swag, who's got a
bit of confidence. But for the monks, humility is the
greatest sign of confidence. The ability to accept what you
know and what you don't know, to be honest about
your strength and your weaknesses, to be clear about what
(12:54):
you're good at and what you're bad at. That's reality.
But today we reward people feel confident all the time,
people who look like they have it all together. Perception
is also different all across the world, and how we
receive people's praise and perception is fascinating. I remember looking
at a case study of the performance company Des Silas.
(13:18):
You might have even heard of them, or you might
have even been to see a show. In some parts
of the world, when the acrobats would jump through a hoop,
triple flip backwards, land on their feet, fall through a
hoop of fire, the audience would go crazy. The audience
would be applauding, praising, shouting, screaming, losing it, and the
(13:44):
acrobats would feel acknowledged and seen. And in some other
cultures around the world, the acrobats would finish a show
and feel like they flopped. They'd feel like they failed.
Why because the audience didn't clap is loud, the audience
didn't shout as loud, the audience didn't scream is loud.
(14:08):
But here's the fascinating thing about that. When De Slay,
when it did some studies on this, they realized certain
cultures don't show their emotions and their praise as expressively.
Someone could be clapping like this and feel the same
level of excitement as someone who's on their seat, jumping
(14:32):
and shouting. They actually had to train the acrobats to
realize that different cultures express appreciation differently. Some cultures had
the ability to be so expressive, to be so emphatic,
to be so verbally congratulatory that they'd feel it, but
(14:53):
they had to give the same performance when the audience
didn't respond that way. This is one of the challenges
about how people perceive us. If you feel responsible for
how people perceive you, you will always be performing, You
will always be on a stage. You will never feel
(15:15):
you can take the mask off. You will feel like
every word you say, and every act, and every thought
and every behavior is under scrutiny. This is known as
the spotlight effect, where you feel that your whole life
is constantly being analyzed. So before someone else can analyze you,
(15:37):
you analyze yourself. You feel to yourself, you edit yourself,
you overthink yourself, and now guess what, you get more
and more distant from the person you are. You're not
responsible for how other people perceive you. I couldn't be
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(17:07):
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you're not responsible for is fixing people's problems. You can
offer support, but you can't solve it. You can be patient,
(17:32):
but you can't take away their pain. You can be helpful,
but you can't fix the Number one reason most of
us want to fix other people's problems is to make
ourselves feel better. It's the harsh truth, but we all
know it's real. I feel that way as well. I
(17:52):
spent years trying to solve and fix people's problems. I
cared for them, I love them. I didn't want them
to feel pain. What did I actually do? I stole
their ability to solve their own problems. I took away
their independence and strength to deal with what they were
(18:16):
going through. I thought it was either aw either I'm
on the sidelines or I'm fully deep in there trying
to save them, not realizing that it required a bit
from them, It required them to find themselves. Now, this
doesn't mean I need to hide from them. It didn't
mean I need to distance myself for them. It means
(18:38):
I need to understand the difference between support and solution.
We need to understand the difference between focusing your energy
and trying to fix. When you get lost trying to
fix someone else's problems, you're rattling off all these solutions,
all these multiple steps they can take, and maybe they'll
(18:59):
be lucky if they can take it. What we don't
get too often is the root of why they can't
solve it. You could give someone all the best solutions
in the world and they could still make no shift,
because what's blocking them is their own belief in themselves.
(19:19):
What's blocking them is them worrying about what people think.
What's blocking them is them worrying about how they're going
to be seen, how they're going to be looked at.
I was talking to a friend the other day and
it dawned on me how many people are scared to
put up a post or a video or a piece
(19:40):
of content because they're worried about what their friends will think.
You can fix their problem by solving it, sending them
all the videos, giving them advice, whatever it may be,
but that's the root of their issue. You may have
a family member who wants to be healthier, and you're
sending them everything. Here's the article, here's the podcast, here's
the block, here's the everything, and that person just feels
(20:03):
overwhelmed by the information because what they need to do
is take one step not catch up with you. I
was saying this to a friend this morning on a walk.
We were talking about why it often feels like it
takes people around us so long to understand us, and
I was sharing this analogy with him. I said to him,
(20:24):
it's like when you've just finished watching season four of
an amazing show and you're telling all your friends, Hey,
you need to watch this show. It's amazing, I love it,
it's incredible, and now they've got to spend all that
time catching up. So you're at season four, you've finished it,
and they're at season one, and not everyone is going
(20:46):
to go on that journey with you. So you're not
responsible to fix everyone's problems. You can only tell them
what could work. But you can't fix it. That person
has to watch the show right, that person has to
make the time, the person has to commit to all
the episodes of the show. And that's entertainment, let alone growth.
So I can't fix it. I can't solve it for you.
(21:08):
You have to put in work. And often we'll sit
there and we'll just be sitting there, going, how do
I fix this? What do I do? What can I say?
What can I do? What is the perfect thing I
can say. I used to have a client who used
to say that to me all the time and say, Jay,
you always say the perfect thing. Can you teach me
how to always say the perfect thing? And I remember
saying to me, I said, first of all, I don't
(21:30):
always say the perfect thing, and if I do, it's
because I'm present. It's not because I'm trying to say
the perfect thing. You don't say the right thing because
you're trying to say the right thing. You say the
right thing because you're so conscious, aligned, and present in
that moment that you can truly resonate with that person.
(21:51):
Number four, You are not responsible for living up to others' expectations.
Guess what, you never will. Even if you try to
live up to other people's expectations, you never will. You
will let people down, even if you try your hardest
(22:15):
not to. They'll be disappointed, they'll be disheartened, even if
you try your best. Because the truth is, we can't
read anyone's mind, and no one can read ours. It's
not possible for me to check off every box of
the expectation you have. How many of you have ever
(22:37):
tried to plan something for a family member or friend,
Maybe it's a surprise birthday. Maybe it's getting a gift.
Maybe it's a vacation or a getaway, and maybe you
tried to plan it meticulously, but there was something along
the way that person said, Oh, that flight was too long. Ah,
the hotel bed wasn't comfortable. Oh you know, like I
(22:58):
like that music, but it's not my favorite type. Oh
you know, I don't really love chocolate cake. You know,
whatever it is like, you couldn't possibly know everyone's preference,
and we feel very responsible to live up to other
people's expectations. Some people expect you to get a certain job,
(23:19):
so you chase it your whole life, only to realize
it's not the job you want. Some people want you
to find a certain partner, so you chase a particular
type of partner, only to realize you have nothing in
common with them. Some people in your life will expect
you to have children, and you may have children because
of that expectation, only to realize you weren't ready to
(23:40):
be a parent. When you pursue and chase things that
other people expect of you, even if you get them,
they won't be happy, and neither will you. How can
you be happy chasing someone else's priority. How could you
ever be joyful? Chasing someone else is life? So don't
(24:03):
feel responsible for other people's expectations, because those are the
expectations they often had of themselves. Sometimes it's not even
that they want you to have a good career. They
want to be friends with someone who has a good career.
They want to be able to tell their friends that
you're having a child, that you're getting married, whatever it
(24:23):
may be. I remember not going to my graduation ceremony.
I graduated, but I didn't go to the event where
you get the scroll and you wear the hat and
all the rest of it. And my mom never got
that picture. And I remember my mom would say to me,
she said, all my friends have pictures of their kids graduating.
I don't have a picture of you graduating. And it's
(24:46):
a really really interesting thought because it was this expectation
she had to me. Now, it's not the biggest deal,
and my mom's wonderful, but there's that feeling that I
would have had to either be at my graduation or
at that point I was living as a monk in India.
And now when I look back at that, I think, wow,
(25:07):
it's so obvious. I made the right decision. But if
I tried to live up to our expectation, I would
have made the wrong choice. I remember growing up, my
parents really wanted me to study sciences. They would have
loved for me to study biology and chemistry and physics,
and instead that I studied art in design and economics
and sociology and philosophy, and those were the subjects I
(25:31):
was attracted to. And now when I look back, I think,
wait a minute, if I would have lived up to
their expectation, I would have been further away from myself.
The closer you get to living up to other people's expectations,
the further away you are from yourself. The closer you
(25:51):
get to checking off everyone else's list, the further away
you are from knowing what's on yours. The closer you
get to winning in the eyes of others, the further
away you are from winning in your own eyes. We're
actually losing. You lose a part of yourself when you
(26:15):
try to meet someone else's expectation of you that you
don't value. Stop feeling like you're responsible for other people's expectations.
Those expectations come from their expectations of their own, their
expectations of their life, the expectations they adopted from their parents,
(26:37):
the expectations that they've adopted from their community. And make
sure that the expectations you're setting are the ones you
want to commit your life to. Number five, You're not
responsible for how others decide to treat you. Their mood
(26:57):
isn't your job. Their actions aren't your fault. You don't
have to manage someone else's bad day. Their behavior is
about them. It doesn't say anything about who you are.
You're not responsible for making someone else grow up. Maturity
(27:18):
is their journey. You don't have to carry that burden.
I think often we feel very very responsible for how
people treat us. We feel that the way they behave
with us is a sign of who we are. I
was speaking to someone last week who said the person
(27:38):
that broke up with them has made them feel like
they're not lovable. I was speaking to someone else a
couple of months ago, and they were saying that their
manager is making them feel like they don't have any value.
And the reality is, if you have a relationship with someone,
(28:00):
it's worth checking. I want to understand where this is
coming from. I want to recognize and know if the
way you're treating me, where's it coming from? What's beneath this?
Because usually you'll find some people don't have a good
reason at all. They were angry, they were tired, they
(28:23):
were exhausted, and you were receiving their anger, their exhaustion,
and their fatigue. You weren't receiving what you deserved. You
were receiving what they were dealing with because they didn't
give themselves the rest they deserved. Think about that for
a second. You were receiving not what you deserved, but
(28:48):
you were receiving what they were experiencing. People don't treat
you how you deserve to be treated. They treat you
how they treat themselves. The way people treat you is
not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of how
they see themselves and what they're feeling. The way people
(29:12):
treat you shows you how that person is living right now,
not how you're performing. You can't be responsible for how
others decide to treat you, because then you'd be responsible
for their entire life. You'd have to manage their morning,
their evening, their day, their relationships. You'd have to manage
(29:37):
everything in order to hope that they treat you right,
and sometimes maybe even if we do that, we try
and overmanage, We try and over monitor, we try and
over control someone to hope that they'll treat us better,
only to realize nothing changes, and then we wonder, why
is nothing changing. I'm doing everything right well because there's
(29:58):
something internally that person's going through that we don't have
control over. So I want this episode to be a reminder.
You're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't fix what's
broken inside them. That's their work to do. You're not
(30:18):
responsible for their unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits, not
their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger.
The reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt
that isn't yours. You're not responsible for someone else's happiness.
(30:41):
Their joy isn't your job. You've got your own heart
to take care of, and you're not responsible for other
people misunderstanding you. You don't have to prove yourself. Your
truth is enough, and you're not responsible for making them
respect your balls hungrys. Set them clearly and firmly. Enforcing
(31:04):
them isn't selfish, it's necessary, and you're not responsible for
anyone else's approval. Their validation doesn't define you, because you're
already enough exactly as you are. I hope you'll pass
this episode on because sometimes we just need these reminders,
(31:24):
because we're all carrying that weight, and I hope this
frees up yours. Thank you for listening on purpose, Leave
a review, Share this episode with a friend, and remember
I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode
with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how
(31:47):
to speak to yourself with more compassion.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
My fears are only going to continue to show me
what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears,
the more that I feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom,
and I just want to keep doing that
Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can
experience On Purpose in person. Join me in a city
near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It
could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO
or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,
(00:25):
spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to
meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences
for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a
meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.
Head to Jsheddy, dop me Forward, Slash Tour and get
yours today. You're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't
(00:51):
fix what's broken inside them. That's their work to do.
You're not responsible for their unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits,
not their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger.
The reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt
(01:14):
that isn't yours. The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:18):
Jay Shetty Jay Sheddy, Hey everyone, welcome back to On
Purpose the place you come to listen, learn and grow.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
I'm your host, Jay Sheddy, and today we're talking about
the things you're not responsible for. I don't know about you,
but I feel like we all carry and feel responsible
for more than we can hold. Sometimes the weight feels
so heavy, and we're trying to carry our parents' expectations,
(01:52):
We're trying to carry the responsibilities that we have on
a day to day basis. We're trying to carry people's
emotions and feelings and pain, and it can often feel
like it's just weighing so heavy, and at the end
of trying to carry all of this, you just feel
like falling and breaking down. I'm sure you felt the
same way, where you feel like the weight you're carrying
(02:15):
is getting heavier every single year. And the weight of
people's expectations, opinions, obligations, whatever it may be, never ever stops.
In fact, it just continues to grow and accelerate as
time goes on. As you listen to this episode today,
(02:37):
I want it to be freeing. I want you to
feel lighter, I want you to feel liberated. As you
listen to this episode, I want you to feel like
you can actually move and think and have space to create,
because what we don't realize is when we feel responsible
(02:58):
for things that we don't need to be responsible for,
we are blocked. Our creativity is blocked, our passions are blocked,
our time is blocked. So much of our intuition is
blocked because we're making space and room for everything else.
(03:20):
So the first thing that I want to talk about,
the first thing you're not responsible for is other people's feelings.
You can respect them, but their emotional reactions aren't yours
to carry or fix. You can be kind to people,
(03:41):
but people will still feel hurt. You can be present
with people, but they can still feel distant. You can
be thoughtful, but people will still feel unheard. You are
not responsible for other people's feelings. I remember being that
(04:03):
person where I would overanalyze every text, every email, every message,
every interaction to say things perfectly, to say things in
a way that there would be no opportunity for misinterpretation
or fall out. And guess what, people were still upset.
(04:25):
People were still hurt. Not because I wanted them to
be hurt, if anything, I was trying to avoid that.
But I found that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.
If someone wants to be hurt, they'll be hurt no
matter what you say. If someone wants to be mad
at you, they'll be mad at you no matter what
(04:47):
you say. If someone wants to feel upset with you,
they'll feel upset with you no matter what you say
or do. If someone has made their mind up about
how they feel about you, there is nothing you can
do to fix it. You can be kind, you can
(05:08):
be respectful, you can try, but you can't be responsible
for their feelings. Because why if you're responsible for their feelings,
your time, your energy starts to follow theirs. If they're
in a good mood, you're in a good mood. If
they're in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood.
If they're high energy, your high energy. If they're low energy,
(05:29):
you're low energy. Constantly we feel our highs and lows
are mirroring the highs and lows of the person we're
tied to. Often, the hardest people to do this with
is our parents. We feel responsible for our parents' feelings.
So when your parents going through something really, really difficult,
maybe they're going through a transition, maybe they're going through
(05:51):
a shift or a change, and all of a sudden.
Not only are you constantly thinking about their feelings, you
feel responsible for them. You feel it's your job to
make today a great day for them. You try and
change everything, You change your whole routine, You call them
first thing in the morning, you put aside other tasks.
(06:14):
And by the way, this is all well intentioned and
it's a beautiful act of love. But what we don't
realize is we haven't helped them develop the emotional skills
and tools they need. You're trying to be a mood shifter,
a mood changer for that person, rather than putting the
(06:35):
control in their hand. It's almost like saying, hey, I'll
decide what to watch watch tonight. Hey I'll decide what
to order tonight. And sure, it can be great to
create that space in the short term, but long term,
the goal is to equip that person with the ability
to make choices about their own feelings. Trust me when
(06:57):
I say this, This is not about being hard hearted.
It's not about not caring. It's not about not loving
someone you really, really love. It's about recognizing that real
love is helping someone learn how to choose their feelings
and emotions. You're not helping someone if you're deabilitating them,
(07:21):
you're not helping someone if they're dependent on you to
feel good. If someone's dependent on you to feel good,
you have not helped them. You've stalled them. Think about
that for a second. If someone is dependent on you
to feel happy, you have not helped them, You've actually
(07:42):
hurt them, because that means when you're not available, when
you're not accessible, when you're not capable, when you don't
have time or space, that person can't find that joy.
I'm sure that's not what you want for them. So
we don't want to feel respect responsible for other people's feelings.
(08:03):
We want to feel connected in helping them, supporting them,
being there for them, but not responsible, because when you're
responsible for it, you then take it into your own
life and start to carry it. The second thing you're
not responsible for is how people perceive you. You can
(08:26):
say everything right and people will still think you're wrong.
You can speak the truth and people will still think
you're lying. You can try to explain yourself and people
will still misunderstand you. You are not responsible for how
(08:49):
people perceive you. They might base it off a first
impression something someone else said, something they heard. If someone
chooses to perceive you based on another person's opinion of you,
that means they don't want to get to know you.
(09:10):
Let me say that again. If someone bases their perception
of you based on how another person perceives you, they
don't actually want to get to know you. If someone
told you that someone else was lazy, disorganized, and you
take their word for it, it means you don't want
(09:31):
to make the time or the energy to actually get
to know that person, because chances are if you did
get to know them, you might realize that, just like
all of us, they're lazy in some ways, but they're
organized in other ways. So if we're using people as
our shortcuts to learn about people, then guess what, we
(09:53):
don't want to deeply get to know that person. So
you're not responsible for how people perceive you because people
will p see you through all sorts of ways. Think
about this for a second. What's the one word someone
would use to describe you if they saw you but
didn't speak to you. Second question, how would someone describe
(10:19):
you in one word if they spoke to you for
a few minutes. Now, imagine if someone spoke to you
for a few hours. I'm guessing. There's a big difference
in how someone perceives you when they see you and
don't speak to you, when they speak to you for
a few minutes, and when they speak to you for
a few hours. That's definitely true for me, right. I
(10:43):
feel like if someone saw me, they may have a
certain perception. If someone spoke to me for a few minutes,
they'll have another perception. And if someone spend hours or
months or years with me, they'll have a different perception.
How can you possibly be responsible for how people perceive
you when the way people see you is the way
(11:04):
they see the world. The way people see you is
how they often look at themselves. The way people see
you is how they've felt seen or unseen in the past.
The way people see you is based on someone else
they met that was kind of like you. There are
(11:26):
so many touch points as to how someone deciphers and
decides how they perceive you. You could try and be
really nice and someone will say they're trying too hard.
You could be a little stand offish and people will say, oh,
they're really distant and absent. You could try and be
(11:47):
really interested and curious and people will say they ask
too many questions you could be a little more introverted,
and people say, oh, they suck the energy out of
the room. How people will perceive your silence is different.
Some people perceive it as a strength, as a power.
(12:08):
Some people perceive it as a weakness. I really understood
this when I lived in the monastery and we were
exposed to this idea of humility, and humility was seen
as the number one quality that humans could aspire for.
But today when people demonstrate humility, people often think of
(12:31):
it as low self esteem, or they think of it
as low self worth. They don't value it. They value
someone who's got a bit of swag, who's got a
bit of confidence. But for the monks, humility is the
greatest sign of confidence. The ability to accept what you
know and what you don't know, to be honest about
your strength and your weaknesses, to be clear about what
(12:54):
you're good at and what you're bad at. That's reality.
But today we reward people feel confident all the time,
people who look like they have it all together. Perception
is also different all across the world, and how we
receive people's praise and perception is fascinating. I remember looking
at a case study of the performance company Des Silas.
(13:18):
You might have even heard of them, or you might
have even been to see a show. In some parts
of the world, when the acrobats would jump through a hoop,
triple flip backwards, land on their feet, fall through a
hoop of fire, the audience would go crazy. The audience
would be applauding, praising, shouting, screaming, losing it, and the
(13:44):
acrobats would feel acknowledged and seen. And in some other
cultures around the world, the acrobats would finish a show
and feel like they flopped. They'd feel like they failed.
Why because the audience didn't clap is loud, the audience
didn't shout as loud, the audience didn't scream is loud.
(14:08):
But here's the fascinating thing about that. When De Slay,
when it did some studies on this, they realized certain
cultures don't show their emotions and their praise as expressively.
Someone could be clapping like this and feel the same
level of excitement as someone who's on their seat, jumping
(14:32):
and shouting. They actually had to train the acrobats to
realize that different cultures express appreciation differently. Some cultures had
the ability to be so expressive, to be so emphatic,
to be so verbally congratulatory that they'd feel it, but
(14:53):
they had to give the same performance when the audience
didn't respond that way. This is one of the challenges
about how people perceive us. If you feel responsible for
how people perceive you, you will always be performing, You
will always be on a stage. You will never feel
(15:15):
you can take the mask off. You will feel like
every word you say, and every act, and every thought
and every behavior is under scrutiny. This is known as
the spotlight effect, where you feel that your whole life
is constantly being analyzed. So before someone else can analyze you,
(15:37):
you analyze yourself. You feel to yourself, you edit yourself,
you overthink yourself, and now guess what, you get more
and more distant from the person you are. You're not
responsible for how other people perceive you. I couldn't be
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you're not responsible for is fixing people's problems. You can
offer support, but you can't solve it. You can be patient,
(17:32):
but you can't take away their pain. You can be helpful,
but you can't fix the Number one reason most of
us want to fix other people's problems is to make
ourselves feel better. It's the harsh truth, but we all
know it's real. I feel that way as well. I
(17:52):
spent years trying to solve and fix people's problems. I
cared for them, I love them. I didn't want them
to feel pain. What did I actually do? I stole
their ability to solve their own problems. I took away
their independence and strength to deal with what they were
(18:16):
going through. I thought it was either aw either I'm
on the sidelines or I'm fully deep in there trying
to save them, not realizing that it required a bit
from them, It required them to find themselves. Now, this
doesn't mean I need to hide from them. It didn't
mean I need to distance myself for them. It means
(18:38):
I need to understand the difference between support and solution.
We need to understand the difference between focusing your energy
and trying to fix. When you get lost trying to
fix someone else's problems, you're rattling off all these solutions,
all these multiple steps they can take, and maybe they'll
(18:59):
be lucky if they can take it. What we don't
get too often is the root of why they can't
solve it. You could give someone all the best solutions
in the world and they could still make no shift,
because what's blocking them is their own belief in themselves.
(19:19):
What's blocking them is them worrying about what people think.
What's blocking them is them worrying about how they're going
to be seen, how they're going to be looked at.
I was talking to a friend the other day and
it dawned on me how many people are scared to
put up a post or a video or a piece
(19:40):
of content because they're worried about what their friends will think.
You can fix their problem by solving it, sending them
all the videos, giving them advice, whatever it may be,
but that's the root of their issue. You may have
a family member who wants to be healthier, and you're
sending them everything. Here's the article, here's the podcast, here's
the block, here's the everything, and that person just feels
(20:03):
overwhelmed by the information because what they need to do
is take one step not catch up with you. I
was saying this to a friend this morning on a walk.
We were talking about why it often feels like it
takes people around us so long to understand us, and
I was sharing this analogy with him. I said to him,
(20:24):
it's like when you've just finished watching season four of
an amazing show and you're telling all your friends, Hey,
you need to watch this show. It's amazing, I love it,
it's incredible, and now they've got to spend all that
time catching up. So you're at season four, you've finished it,
and they're at season one, and not everyone is going
(20:46):
to go on that journey with you. So you're not
responsible to fix everyone's problems. You can only tell them
what could work. But you can't fix it. That person
has to watch the show right, that person has to
make the time, the person has to commit to all
the episodes of the show. And that's entertainment, let alone growth.
So I can't fix it. I can't solve it for you.
(21:08):
You have to put in work. And often we'll sit
there and we'll just be sitting there, going, how do
I fix this? What do I do? What can I say?
What can I do? What is the perfect thing I
can say. I used to have a client who used
to say that to me all the time and say, Jay,
you always say the perfect thing. Can you teach me
how to always say the perfect thing? And I remember
saying to me, I said, first of all, I don't
(21:30):
always say the perfect thing, and if I do, it's
because I'm present. It's not because I'm trying to say
the perfect thing. You don't say the right thing because
you're trying to say the right thing. You say the
right thing because you're so conscious, aligned, and present in
that moment that you can truly resonate with that person.
(21:51):
Number four, You are not responsible for living up to others' expectations.
Guess what, you never will. Even if you try to
live up to other people's expectations, you never will. You
will let people down, even if you try your hardest
(22:15):
not to. They'll be disappointed, they'll be disheartened, even if
you try your best. Because the truth is, we can't
read anyone's mind, and no one can read ours. It's
not possible for me to check off every box of
the expectation you have. How many of you have ever
(22:37):
tried to plan something for a family member or friend,
Maybe it's a surprise birthday. Maybe it's getting a gift.
Maybe it's a vacation or a getaway, and maybe you
tried to plan it meticulously, but there was something along
the way that person said, Oh, that flight was too long. Ah,
the hotel bed wasn't comfortable. Oh you know, like I
(22:58):
like that music, but it's not my favorite type. Oh
you know, I don't really love chocolate cake. You know,
whatever it is like, you couldn't possibly know everyone's preference,
and we feel very responsible to live up to other
people's expectations. Some people expect you to get a certain job,
(23:19):
so you chase it your whole life, only to realize
it's not the job you want. Some people want you
to find a certain partner, so you chase a particular
type of partner, only to realize you have nothing in
common with them. Some people in your life will expect
you to have children, and you may have children because
of that expectation, only to realize you weren't ready to
(23:40):
be a parent. When you pursue and chase things that
other people expect of you, even if you get them,
they won't be happy, and neither will you. How can
you be happy chasing someone else's priority. How could you
ever be joyful? Chasing someone else is life? So don't
(24:03):
feel responsible for other people's expectations, because those are the
expectations they often had of themselves. Sometimes it's not even
that they want you to have a good career. They
want to be friends with someone who has a good career.
They want to be able to tell their friends that
you're having a child, that you're getting married, whatever it
(24:23):
may be. I remember not going to my graduation ceremony.
I graduated, but I didn't go to the event where
you get the scroll and you wear the hat and
all the rest of it. And my mom never got
that picture. And I remember my mom would say to me,
she said, all my friends have pictures of their kids graduating.
I don't have a picture of you graduating. And it's
(24:46):
a really really interesting thought because it was this expectation
she had to me. Now, it's not the biggest deal,
and my mom's wonderful, but there's that feeling that I
would have had to either be at my graduation or
at that point I was living as a monk in India.
And now when I look back at that, I think, wow,
(25:07):
it's so obvious. I made the right decision. But if
I tried to live up to our expectation, I would
have made the wrong choice. I remember growing up, my
parents really wanted me to study sciences. They would have
loved for me to study biology and chemistry and physics,
and instead that I studied art in design and economics
and sociology and philosophy, and those were the subjects I
(25:31):
was attracted to. And now when I look back, I think,
wait a minute, if I would have lived up to
their expectation, I would have been further away from myself.
The closer you get to living up to other people's expectations,
the further away you are from yourself. The closer you
(25:51):
get to checking off everyone else's list, the further away
you are from knowing what's on yours. The closer you
get to winning in the eyes of others, the further
away you are from winning in your own eyes. We're
actually losing. You lose a part of yourself when you
(26:15):
try to meet someone else's expectation of you that you
don't value. Stop feeling like you're responsible for other people's expectations.
Those expectations come from their expectations of their own, their
expectations of their life, the expectations they adopted from their parents,
(26:37):
the expectations that they've adopted from their community. And make
sure that the expectations you're setting are the ones you
want to commit your life to. Number five, You're not
responsible for how others decide to treat you. Their mood
(26:57):
isn't your job. Their actions aren't your fault. You don't
have to manage someone else's bad day. Their behavior is
about them. It doesn't say anything about who you are.
You're not responsible for making someone else grow up. Maturity
(27:18):
is their journey. You don't have to carry that burden.
I think often we feel very very responsible for how
people treat us. We feel that the way they behave
with us is a sign of who we are. I
was speaking to someone last week who said the person
(27:38):
that broke up with them has made them feel like
they're not lovable. I was speaking to someone else a
couple of months ago, and they were saying that their
manager is making them feel like they don't have any value.
And the reality is, if you have a relationship with someone,
(28:00):
it's worth checking. I want to understand where this is
coming from. I want to recognize and know if the
way you're treating me, where's it coming from? What's beneath this?
Because usually you'll find some people don't have a good
reason at all. They were angry, they were tired, they
(28:23):
were exhausted, and you were receiving their anger, their exhaustion,
and their fatigue. You weren't receiving what you deserved. You
were receiving what they were dealing with because they didn't
give themselves the rest they deserved. Think about that for
a second. You were receiving not what you deserved, but
(28:48):
you were receiving what they were experiencing. People don't treat
you how you deserve to be treated. They treat you
how they treat themselves. The way people treat you is
not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of how
they see themselves and what they're feeling. The way people
(29:12):
treat you shows you how that person is living right now,
not how you're performing. You can't be responsible for how
others decide to treat you, because then you'd be responsible
for their entire life. You'd have to manage their morning,
their evening, their day, their relationships. You'd have to manage
(29:37):
everything in order to hope that they treat you right,
and sometimes maybe even if we do that, we try
and overmanage, We try and over monitor, we try and
over control someone to hope that they'll treat us better,
only to realize nothing changes, and then we wonder, why
is nothing changing. I'm doing everything right well because there's
(29:58):
something internally that person's going through that we don't have
control over. So I want this episode to be a reminder.
You're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't fix what's
broken inside them. That's their work to do. You're not
(30:18):
responsible for their unrealistic expectations. You decide your limits, not
their impossible standards. You're not responsible for their misplaced anger.
The reaction isn't your fault. Don't hold on to guilt
that isn't yours. You're not responsible for someone else's happiness.
(30:41):
Their joy isn't your job. You've got your own heart
to take care of, and you're not responsible for other
people misunderstanding you. You don't have to prove yourself. Your
truth is enough, and you're not responsible for making them
respect your balls hungrys. Set them clearly and firmly. Enforcing
(31:04):
them isn't selfish, it's necessary, and you're not responsible for
anyone else's approval. Their validation doesn't define you, because you're
already enough exactly as you are. I hope you'll pass
this episode on because sometimes we just need these reminders,
(31:24):
because we're all carrying that weight, and I hope this
frees up yours. Thank you for listening on purpose, Leave
a review, Share this episode with a friend, and remember
I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode
with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how
(31:47):
to speak to yourself with more compassion.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
My fears are only going to continue to show me
what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears,
the more that I feel I'm gaining strength, I'm gaining wisdom,
and I just want to keep doing that
Host
Jay Shetty
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