August 5, 2024 • 51 mins
Today I welcome Morgan Hardman, a good friend who has changed my life in so many ways. Morgan is a mother of three, survivor of abuse, entrepreneur and an advocate for women whose story is an example of faith when you feel faith is lost. She talks about stepping into her feminine era and truly learning how to live and be a voice for women.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:14):
Welcome back to the Overcover podcast. You guys, thank you
so much for choosing to be here. I am your host,
Jennica Lopez. I'm just very excited for this specific guest
because she has brought so many good things to my
life and her story has impacted me.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And I know.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
She is not the only one in the world that
is probably going through this. Maybe hers is just her
situation a little bit different. But anyways, Morgan Hardman, gorgeous, gorgeous,
gorgeous girl.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I don't know how do we meet.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I don't even remember how we met, but I just
remember loving you since the moment I met you.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
You were literally one of my favorite people in the
whole world. I mean that from the bottom of my heart,
and that's saying a lot coming from me. We actually
met in my living room. We did now brought you
and it was all business.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
It was yes, we were talking about business, and then
we just started having a personal relationship from them. What
a lot of people don't know is that.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
You are the reason why I found my biological father.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Yeah, I'll give a little short story about that. Morgan.
Morgan was in the same situation as me, and she
pushed me and she also offered, and she was also
just available and was that listening ear when I felt
like no one understood me and Morgan, when I had
met her, she kind of just explained everything to me
(01:44):
and we just connected, and I think that's why we
love each other so much. So she is one of them.
She is the reason why I found my biological father
and helped me through that process. She is also why
I know my realtor and why I'm also in this
house because without her, without Shanty Like, I wouldn't have
(02:05):
known or been in this position.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
So thank you, I love you.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
One of the main reasons why I wanted you to
come on the podcast is because I obviously know a
lot of your story and there's probably still things that
I don't know about because you kind of disappeared. But
I kind of want to give you know insight, and
you know, thank you because I know it's not going
to be very easy, but it's healed me and your
(02:31):
strength and your commitment to your family, to God and
who you are as a person is very inspiring and
I want to be able to share that and obviously
with your own time and your own space, but I
do want to give the floor about who is Morgan Hardman,
Who was she? What does she do?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
And who? Yeah, how did you come to where you
are today?
Speaker 3 (02:56):
So if I take it back, if I go back
a little bit, I grew up in foster care.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
A lot of people don't know.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
But like a big part of my story that I'm
not afraid to walk in my truth anymore about is.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
What a lot of people don't know.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
And a big part of my story that I've actually
never shared yet, it's actually going to be in my book,
but I'm going to share with you because you are
family to me, is a lot of people don't know
that I don't know how to read and I don't
know how to spell, and so for that reason alone,
like I've always had a challenge in life.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Just being able to get by. And so.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
For most of my life, I was a personal assistant
to Ray J A lot of you guys know that,
and I worked with a lot of other celebrities. I
was an assistant director on set. I've been a PA
on set, I've dabbed into the medical field. I've did
a little bit of everything, and then obviously recently I've
been blessed to be a part of a phenomenal industry,
(03:57):
which is network marketing, which is where I landed. Like
most of my success, I didn't need to know how
to read or spell to be successful in this actual industry,
and so I dominated that, but.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
Was secretly dying on the inside. You know.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
I did a season eleven hip hop that wasn't really
my thing. You know, the television and the comments, I'm
one who reads them.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Unfortunately, I tried so hard not to.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Like, I feel like that's the surface level of like,
how do okay? So let's go into I think what
we connect most on is obviously our fathers and all that.
That situation for you, what was that like for you?
What did you go through with that?
Speaker 3 (04:40):
So for me, you know, I said that I was.
I grew up in foster homes and group homes. So
my mom was a drug addict and she was also
a prostitute. And I didn't know my father, And obviously
my mom had a lot of men in and out
of the house. And one day she'll say this was
your dad. The next day she'll say, oh, that's your dad.
And then and when she gets upset with me, oh,
(05:02):
you know, your dadd didn't want you. He left when
he found out I was pregnant with you, just like
just so much just evilness, you know. And I always
felt like I needed to know and I always wanted
to know who was my father. And when I was
eighteen years old, I ended up finding him and he
was there with open arms, like it was so opposite
(05:26):
of what my mother told me he was, and he
wanted to just embrace and love me, but.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
I was in full reject mode.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
It was like I thought that's what I wanted, and
I thought that I needed to fill that void at
the time, but I was still skeptical. And the reason
I was so skeptical was because I was told every
man that walked through the door with my dad. So
I was very serious about wanting a paternity test, and
he didn't want to give me one. And so for
years I would be like, why, why don't you want
(05:59):
to get like a child support you, you know what
I mean. And to this day, I don't know why
he wouldn't give me one, but I actually I cut
him off for a while and I just it didn't
exist to me still for years. And finally years later,
like right around the time I got married, he was
like listen, baby girl, if you wanted a paternity test,
(06:21):
I'll give you one. I'll give you a paternity test,
but you're my daughter, no matter what, no matter what
any paperwork says. And that's what he's always said to me,
you know. But I had to make him understand that's fine,
but if my search isn't over, I need to know.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Yeah, you.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Get that, get any of them right. And so it
wasn't anything personal to him. It's just my mom was
a prostitute.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
You didn't know where to look or where to go.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
And so he his name was the name that was
on my birthativiate. So thank god she didn't know that
information right, so she had it right. And I've still
to this day never got a paternity test. But what
I did do was I went on ancestry, kind of
like what we did with you, and I found people
(07:11):
on there that were related to him. Because I still
wasn't okay with not having that paternity test, but I
did find people on there that had the same DNA
as him, so then I was at ease. And since then,
I've been okay with calling him dad. I've been okay
with building a relationship with him, understanding that I had
(07:33):
to undo all the lies my mom told me about
him who he was, because that's so not who he is.
He is such a great man of God, and he's
always and always.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Will pray for me.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
He's been praying for me even he said he always
felt like he had a daughter out.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
There, he just never knew where.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Okay, so he didn't know.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
No, he had no clue. I existed, no clue.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
But from the moment we found him, which I found
him through a lady named doctor Lois.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
She could track anybody down.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
And from the moment I met him, he said he
always knew he had a daughter out there somewhere.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Did that? I packed your relationship with your mom and like,
because for me it was different because my mom wasn't
here anymore, you know, so I didn't know how to
manage that.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
But how was it, you know obviously, Like.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
It wasn't different. My mom was going. My mom died
when I was fifteen. You're right, I'm sorry, so I
didn't get a chance to.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Ask the questions, be mad at her. My mom died
when I was fifteen two. I totally forgot about them.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
I didn't get a chance to like, yeah, there was
just so many lies told that, you know, you never
get the answer to it. You know, you you can search,
you can talk to people that knew them, you can
try and understand why.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
But you're just never going to get that fulfillment.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
You're not and the only thing that could fulfill you
in take that pain away as the presence of God
is what I found.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
You know, Yeah, definitely sow.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
But Okay, so now that you have a relationship, and
I'm asking like generally because like we've never really gotten
this far. For me, it's still difficult to have that
relationship because I think just the way I grew up
and obviously you've seen and you know, like the walls
you're precious are built high.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
You're precious to people, and you're you're so good, like
you're good, you are goodness, like if there is a
your goodness and you have to be protected, Jenica, because.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
And that's where I feel like it's hard for me
to let that wall down. And especially because even when
I went to your house the first time, like we
were both like bumping heads or like just walls, you know,
and like you could feel it, you know, when like
there's walls built between people, Like Okay, how did you
(10:01):
let that wall come down for your dad.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Honestly, I feel like I started to see more people
with their fathers and see so many people without them,
and I felt like, I still have a living parent,
and I want to be there. I want to be
in his life. I want to be in photos. I
(10:27):
want I want my kids to know who he is.
I don't have family like that. I made my own family.
I always have, you know. It's always just been me
and my brothers. And so anyone you hear me say, oh,
that's my cousin, that's my They're not not by blood, you.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Know what I mean, they're your family.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Yeah, you know, you're my family. And I made my
own family my entire life. I've always done that, and
so this was actually someone who was a part of
my DNA, and it meant something to me just to
make it right, Like I hear these songs by all
these people about their father and dance with my father
and all these and I never had that, you know.
(11:06):
And I remember as a little girl, I always just
wanted a dad. So you have one, now, why why
not embrace him? And he's good? He's goodness, Like, he's
a good person too. So what am I rejecting, still
holding on to all those memories and all those thoughts
that my mom put in my head of my father
that are so untrue. And so I just want love
(11:28):
in my life right now, and I want someone who
has authority to pray over me in my life.
Speaker 4 (11:33):
And he has authority. Yeah, it's my father, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I think that's the beautiful part though.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
All right, you guys, we're gonna go on a quick
break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Are you guys?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Welcome back? And I think that's where my personal relationship
with my father kind of just like goes like it's.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
Do you guys talk at all?
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Sometimes it's more hey, how are you?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
And that's it.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
There's no but see you have to understand to you
come from a way different.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
World and that's totally fine, and which is what I
this year. It was like he was very vulnerable and
asked me like are you gonna work on having a
relationship with me or like what is it? And I
was like, yeah, I don't have like I can. I'm
gonna try. And I made that commitment to God, like
I said, you know what, God, like, I'm gonna do
my best. I'm gonna do what I can, but I'm
(12:23):
not gonna push myself. I'm gonna respect my my boundaries
and be there as much as I can for you know,
and whatever relationship this is going to be, it's gonna
come from God.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
My best advice to you on that is, go at
your pacete, go at your pace. Don't don't rush what
you're not comfortable being in because this is very new
for you. You know what I'm saying. And you are your
entire life. You thought one person was your father. You
have memories with this person, you were raised, you until
because he passed away, right, and so for almost a day, okay,
(13:00):
you thought both your parents were deceased. And so it's
hard to just turn around and love a stranger.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
It's so hard.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I know that because I could honestly say I just
started telling my dad.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
I loved him about it a couple of months ago.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
I never even said that's so scary. I never even
said the word dad. I would just be like, hey, hey,
like his name in my phone was Luther because that's
his name, and I just changed it to my dad that.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
I know.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
It's weird.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
I know, I know, and people think like it's not
It's such a big deal. It's such a big deal
because it's like you've gone your entire life without this person,
and then you're told this is your dad and then
now you're supposed to just hit it off from the gate. No,
you got to learn this person, know that.
Speaker 4 (13:50):
Check the motive. Is there a motive?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
I remember at one point, and he's probably gonna see this,
but I remember at one point he made a comment
that that didn't sit well with me, and I got
scared of him for a while.
Speaker 4 (14:05):
And then there was a time when.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
I was on Love and Hip Hop and he was like,
you need to change your last name to Craven, And
I'm like, I just met you.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
I changed my last name to Craven. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
And those things pushed me further away because I felt
there was a motive. But then when I because my
heart has always been hardened because how hurt I've been
my entire life, and so when I started to get
more filled with God and I started to seek God more,
it started to soften.
Speaker 4 (14:33):
It started to soften more.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Do you think at least for me, when I think
about it, I'm like, I feel like I would have
done better.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I think, what fucked me up?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Was that I found out as an adult.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
I did too, I was eighteen exactly.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
But yeah, if maybe if I found out if I
was when I was sixteen or fifteen, I feel like
it would be a lot different.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Do you think or what do you like?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Do you do you?
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Honestly, this is an honest question. I know this isn't
my show.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Go no, go for it.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
But do you feel a part of you.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Is not wanting a relationship with him because you don't
want to hurt your father that's in heaven.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
No. I feel like that last year I did, and
that goes along with my siblings as well, because my
siblings don't have their dad, well, my older ones, their
father is in prison. But it's We've always lived our
lives with.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Like we don't have a dad. My mom always raised us.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
You know. I always had that in my mentality up
until like end of last year this year, where I
was like, Okay, I need it.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I do need to make the change.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Like I do have someone that's alive and that knows me,
and literally I wouldn't be here without that person. So
you know, at times I'm like, damn, like I wish
I knew when I was younger, so that way I
can just grow into it and grow up with it
and learn to live with it, versus now that I'm
(16:01):
mature and I have all these thoughts in my heads
and like I'm scared and so many fears, like it
pushes me away more and have you guys, No, I don't.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Think about that. That might help.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
That might help because you'll be able to get the
things will be able to come out that you don't
even know that are there on both ends.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
You know.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
It's your pace, though, jah don't let them when it
rush you into it. This is but because I was
there through the whole thing, so I even know how
nervous you were on not wanting to know. I know
how you didn't even No, no, no, I don't want to
do that.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
No, I don't know. I don't know, and I'm like no,
like what if? Like you know?
Speaker 3 (16:42):
So I know that you have to go at your
pace and what's comfortable for Jenica.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Did it impact your relationships like growing up like or okay, well,
will your relationship with your parents? Did it impact how
your view on love with other people?
Speaker 3 (17:03):
Honestly, I never wanted to be married, never cared for it.
It was never a dream of mine or you know
how most kids, you know, they want to be princesses
and all this. Never wanted to be a princess, never
wanted to be married, never wanted a wedding, never pictured
myself in a wedding gown, none of it.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Because of that, I maybe it could be.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
I mean, my mom had so many different boyfriends and
just different men in and out of the house, allowed
them to do whatever they wanted to me, and I
for a long time had like I rejected men, and
I honestly like I did an event with Tory Hart,
(17:48):
Kyla Prepp, April Jones, and there was another girl there,
and it was an event at a high school where
it was letters to our father and it was basically
a bunch of girls that have been sexually abused. And
some of them didn't have their fathers there, and some
of them did, and some of them were sexually abused
by their fathers.
Speaker 4 (18:07):
And I'll never forget.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
I wrote a letter to my father and in that letter,
this was before I had already met him, But in
that letter, I blamed him for all of my mom's
drug partners molesting me and for all the trauma that
I went through as a child because I felt like
if I had a father that I would have been protected.
And if I had a father, all of these years
(18:30):
of my adulthood, I would not have had to walk
in my masculinity to always protect myself.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
And I'm just now learning to be feminine.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
And that sucks, yeah, because you You've always had to
put that front.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
Always and it sucks, but it feels good now to
recognize it. I'm one person, like I'll recognize where I'm wrong,
or I'll recognize what changes I need to make.
Speaker 4 (18:56):
And I just got sick.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Of playing both roles always, you know, And now I'm
I don't want to be masculine anymore.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
I want I don't want. I don't want to be
a princess. Yeah, I want to be a princess. There
you go.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
And I think you deserve it absolutely because there's just
so much and I maybe we'll get into it or whatnot.
But like, yeah, Morgan, you you are very tough.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
You are very like your bossy.
Speaker 4 (19:31):
You lead.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
It's your way or no way, but that's because of
the way you grew up. You had no one to
depend on but yourself.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
I raised myself since I was seven and I'm not
exaggerating that. Like I got myself ready for school at seven,
I took myself to school at seven, I did my
own hair, I was in grocery stores, still in groceries
to feed me and my brothers. I raised myself since
I was seven years old, and I was very scared
(19:58):
of my mom, which I never I never asked for
anything I would. I never had a birthday, never was celebrated,
never was told I was beautiful, never was told anything.
Speaker 4 (20:10):
And so.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Yeah, I then, I've been in many abusive relationships, so
you at some point you gotta be tough. You have
to protect yourself. And it sucks because I'm just tired.
I'm tired of always being taken advantage of still having
(20:33):
a good heart, and.
Speaker 4 (20:35):
I'm tired of walking in my masculinity.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
And God blessed me with an amazing person recently who
I've learned so much from and has led literally.
Speaker 4 (20:48):
Helped me to be feminine. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
And I don't think if I didn't go through what
I've gone through that I wouldn't have got to where
I am today. I agree, you know, but life is
scary and it's hard, especially when you're alone. Yeah, you know,
I haven't had the support of my brothers. It's always
been what they can get from me, and so I've
(21:14):
just always been alone. Yeah, and just me and my
son until I had my beautiful girls.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
You know, was it hard for you to have kids though,
because I remember it was like after the third one,
you were it was just girl. You couldn't believe it.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
So for one, I wasn't supposed to be able to
have no more kids. So that was a miracle and
excel itself, a Ria. Me having my oldest daughter was
definitely a miracle, and she just brought so much peace
to my life. And it was like a reset came
over me when she was born. And I'll be honest,
a lot of people don't know either. The whole time
I was pregnant with her, I was in a deep depression,
(21:52):
like I was going to commit suicide, Like I was
literally in therapy twice a week because I was scared
that I was gonna fell as a mother to a daughter.
I was scared that I was going to become my mom.
And my mom was so good to my brothers, but
just so horrible to me, And it was traumatizing when
I found out I was having a daughter, and so
(22:18):
it was nerve wrecking and I was in therapy and
I slipped into a deep depression. And then I had
her and life was just changed everything. She changed everything
in me to where nothing around me painful existed. I
didn't care, and that's why for so long I didn't
know what was going on around me, because I was
(22:39):
just in love, you know, like true love all over again.
She literally just became my blanket.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Like security.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
That's why she's so spoiled now. It's like she's just
so used to me, like just all up on her.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
You know. She became my security blanket for so long,
and she was just peace. And then a dale came along.
I was not prepared for that.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Didn't want any more kids, was not planned. But I
couldn't see life without her either. And now I have
to live my life, my life knowing that I have
two little girls that are watching me as a woman
and how I act as a woman, not as a
masculine tomboy who I've always been my entire life since
(23:27):
a little girl.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Because I only have brothers. I'm the only girl.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
But I have to be more affectionate too. I'm not
affectionate yeah, you're not. I'm not even like I've had
people come hugging on I give the side church hugs
like hey, what's up? And I've had to learn how
to be affectionate, let them lay on me, hugs, cuddles,
be girly like it's so weird.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
But was that because sorry to cut you off, but
you don't receive affection?
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Was that because like of abuse.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
I've been told that through some psychiatrists and therapist that
it's it's from the sexual abuse and the physical abuse.
Speaker 4 (24:06):
Never had my mom. My Mom's never hugged me, you know.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
So it's just kind of like a ball of everything.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
If my kids were not here, I wouldn't be here
long time ago.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
How was it because you had Corey, which is her
first son, the oldest, the eldest.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Was it hard raising a boy?
Speaker 4 (24:32):
No? I have all brothers. Ye right, yeah, so it wasn't.
It wasn't hard raising a.
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Boy, but at times I was tougher on him, so
that way, I didn't like, I'm I wasn't that mom
that was like, hey, what do you think of these
shoes I got on?
Speaker 4 (24:49):
You know, like I didn't I didn't do any of that.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
I was I was more like a dude with him
because I wanted him to be able to be masculine,
you know what I mean. And I wanted him to
to have a shot at being a boy. You know,
I don't know how to say that without like offending anybody,
but that's just me. Like I wanted to make sure
that my son had a chance. And I didn't put
(25:11):
all these things in his head, like hey, you know
how you know, do does mommy look pretty in this dress?
Speaker 4 (25:16):
I didn't want to do that to him.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
All right, you guys, we're gonna want a quick break
and we'll be right back, are you guys?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Bargain is a freshly single mom of three. So, but
you were talking about raising your boys to be boys Corey,
and I think at me being around, I love how
Corey protects you now, like he's I feel like he's
become your safe space.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
Nothing.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
He's like been.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Very He's quiet, and he knows when.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Too Yeah one to say his part.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
He does. He does. He's a great kid.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
And so what has how's that relationship?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Because you had him?
Speaker 4 (25:57):
I was eighteen when I had him. I begged to
keep him. I begged, did you know he was a boy.
I did.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
I did know he was a boy. Like when I
was two months pregnant, and the family, his dad's side,
his grandmother, she's like my mother now. They were all
trying to force me to get an abortion. And I
pulled her to the side and I said, listen, if
you let me have him, I will never child support him,
I will never ask for help, I will never anything.
(26:28):
I need somebody to love me. I need him. And
she let me keep him.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
You felt like that was a sign from God.
Speaker 4 (26:35):
Yeah, I mean I needed him. I did. I was
so just lost and alone in the world. I was
literally on my own. My mom had died when I
was fifteen. I was living with my aunt for a
little while.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
It was not my real aunt, but I was living
with someone for a little while, and some things happened there.
I ran away, something very traumatic happened to me. And
when I was when I ran away, and then I
ended up meeting my son's father a little bit after
and we were in love, like we were.
Speaker 4 (27:09):
We were in love. You know. He was a really
good guy in the beginning.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
And then start off with the push, start off with
the pull, start off with the names, and then just
full on five.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
Year abusive relationship.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
And you know, I had someone come up to come
up to me and tell me, if you don't get
out of this, you know, either your son's going to
become a woman beater because his dad's dad was, or
you're gonna end up dead. And so I left that
week and never went back.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
H how do you do?
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Like, I just don't know where you find that strength.
And I think even till this day, to what you've
been up to, what till what till what you've been
through till this day.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Yeah, like I feel like, when is enough enough?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
Now? Now? Now that's it for me. I'm not.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
I'm not attracting it anymore. I think I was. I
was attracting trauma and I was attracting damaged people and
toxic people, you know, because I feel like I had
a lot of stuff about me that was toxic and
didn't realize it. And yeah, and like I said, I'm
(28:31):
one person when there's something wrong with me or I
need to die to self, I'm the first one to
be like, I will reevaluate myself immediately and correct myself.
Maybe not in public, maybe maybe maybe not right here.
Like if you're cussing me out.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
I won't. I'll shut down and or I'll pop back
off with you.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
But when I go home, I'm literally I'm sitting with
it and I'm over analyzing it, and it's consuming me,
you know.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
And I felt like.
Speaker 3 (29:01):
It's a spiritual warfare out there as well. And I
feel like I've always been the devil's target because my
true calling and my purpose and I had no idea
how big my calling was in my purpose, and so
it makes sense. Yeah, but he should have took me
out when he had the chance, because now I can
(29:25):
identify what's evil, and now I can identify what's toxic
and what's not for me, and what's not safe and
what's not good, you know, and not healthy. Before I
just wanted love so bad that I didn't care how
it looked or how it felt, or if it came
with a punch, or if it came with a slap,
or if it came with narcissism.
Speaker 4 (29:44):
I just wanted to be loved.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
And you've got it.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
You want people fall back into cycles or fall back
into what they grew up with, because that's.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Exactly what it is. You grew up with it. You're
comfortable with the abuse, you were comfortable with the as
long as you sensed.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
A little bit of love exactly, and what did that
shift for you?
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Honestly, when I met somebody, I met somebody. You know
I've been I was separated now would be a year
and two months, and so two months into the separation,
I met somebody and it was for me. I felt
(30:35):
like it was an angel sent from God. And I
know many people may think, oh, but you were actually
still in marriage, so it could know it was an angel.
It was an angel sent from God because I didn't
know how to love myself and I didn't I didn't know.
(31:00):
I never I feel like I never had anyone care
enough to see me. And I felt like I feel
like my entire life I was just existing.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
You're surviving, m M.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
I've always just been surviving.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
And this person came into my life and brought me
to life. And I tell this person all the time
like they literally brought me back to life because for
the first time in I'm almost forty, nobody ever loved
me like that. Nobody ever saw me, nobody ever prayed
(31:37):
over me, nobody ever encouraged me the way that this
person did. No one ever protected me the way that
this person did. And you know, I'm forever grateful, I
really am, because they taught me how to pray. I
was comfortable enough to tell this person I didn't know
how to read. They taught me how to read the Bible,
(31:59):
you know, Like that is so big to me, you know,
I to be able to announce that I could read
the Bible. And God set me an angel just to
guide me through this process, you know, and to help
me through it. And I'm just I'm thankful that that
person was there because I went through seven years a hell,
(32:24):
literally seven years a hell.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
You did, and I'm so proud that you got out
of it.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah, I'm so happy, I'm so so so like and
I don't again, I'm just amazed because I know that
there's people watching or listening and people that have been
through what you've been through, or maybe even worse or
maybe even a little less. But there's always a message
(32:55):
in this pain and this pain that you went through.
What are your life like three things like say again,
the people watching or listening, or maybe even your friends
that didn't even know friends that or whatever maybe they did.
What are things that you could say that you've learned
in this lifetime like that you carry on to this day.
Speaker 4 (33:18):
Money could never fulfill you. Only the presence of God
can do that.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
Because I have so many people who were like, you're
walking away with nothing, like are you kidding me? Or
I gave back my Bentley, not how much I did
not care. I wanted out. I gave back my Bam.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
No, that's superficial. Shit doesn't matter.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
I walked away from a five point five million dollar
house that's still sitting in Miami, didn't care to become
a renter. I still own the house. I'm still part
owner of the house. But my sanity. I was mentally
going crazy. I was about to kill myself numerous times.
(34:01):
And I'm just like, like, for me, depression is serious
because it runs in my family. My grandmother killed herself
from her husband committing adultery. You know, my grandmother committed
suicide from it. And so I know that you know
that it's it, you know that there's an effect there.
(34:22):
But I also know that God is more powerful, and
I seek him in those.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
Times, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
But it was like I was mentally losing my mind.
I had went through so many deaths back to back
and you know, my son and his girlfriend broke up,
and I was like, my daughter, that girl that devastated
me more than half the deaths that I went through
because I love her. I love her, and I to
(34:50):
this day, I'm always gonna love her. You know that
that was my daughter's girlfriend. And when I met her,
you know, God spoke to me about her. She had
been through what I had been through with her mom dying,
and so I wanted to just take care of her,
you know, And that's who I am.
Speaker 4 (35:06):
And so.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
I think the depths woke me up too, to not
just exist and to actually live.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
There's one say, where's one thing of people saying it
like this is gonna you know, this should teach you
something or whatever, and then it actually hitting you.
Speaker 4 (35:26):
And it hit me.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
I looked around and I was in a depression for
a year when my best friend died. And then you know,
there was a guy that I had been in love
with my entire life and he was murdered. Before any
of the deaths, he was the first one, and that
hit me hard because out of respect for my marriage,
(35:49):
I didn't show up to the funeral. And I can
never get that moment back. And only to find out
what was still going on was still going on. Yeah,
and I was over here trying to be so loyal
and no one was being loyal to me, and so
I didn't go to the funeral. And then he actually
(36:10):
was cremated, so there was no like obviously the spirit
went up to heaven anyways, but there was just no
place to go get the closure, you know, even after
the split, you know, but you know, I ended up,
you know, someone close to me that was like a
brother passed away, and then I had to be the
one to orchestrate the entire funeral, plan the entire funeral,
(36:32):
and it just was so draining. It like it was
just dark and just there was just it just it
just felt like something was going on around me that
I couldn't see with my eyes, and I needed to
be set free from it.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Like I feel like your emotions were taken advantage in
a very vulnerable position, Like your emotions were already fucked
up with all these deaths. Here's this person. Let me
make it a little bit worse while she's not looking.
Speaker 4 (37:06):
And then we all know.
Speaker 3 (37:07):
I moved to Miami to be closer to the church
and to fix my situation.
Speaker 4 (37:13):
And that wasn't what I thought it was. And so
I was angry at God for an entire year.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
That's what I was gonna ask you, Like, in the
midst of all this, all of this, how was it? Like?
How did you manage to still I don't know, live
or focus or still believe like that God was like there.
Speaker 3 (37:35):
I didn't for a year until he sent me the Angel.
I couldn't pray. I was angry at God when I
lost my best friend Ronnie Hillman that I literally watched
him take his last breath.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
I was there with him when he was on hospice,
was there when he got diagnosed. You know, that was
one of the only people who always had my back
no matter what, just never saw no wrong in me ever,
And I I was angry at God. That was an understatement.
(38:12):
I couldn't pray. I felt like I was obedient. There
was a time in my life where I was too religious.
I wasn't listening to worldly music. I stopped hanging out
my worldly friends. I was in drink, having no wine.
Speaker 4 (38:27):
No drink like I was. I was overwhelming with this Christianity.
Speaker 3 (38:33):
It was it was it was like girl piped down,
girl like it's okay to live. I was not living either,
and so I was too religious, and it was it
was like, you're so religious, but there was so much
stuff going on behind closed doors, you know, And it
was just like, Where's when is God showing up? Where
where is he in in in this relationship right now?
(38:55):
Because I'm not seeing it, you know. And when I
moved to Miami, there were so many people who told
me that God told them that I should move out there,
and I listened, and I moved my entire life, sold
(39:16):
my home that I built from the ground up, my
only sanctuary to me, like that was my security blanket.
Speaker 4 (39:22):
I built that house to move into a house that was.
Speaker 3 (39:27):
Just so demonic, I don't care how, and it just
put it just it was a twelve thousand square foot
piece of shit, if I can be honest and say
that on ear, you know, it was it was nothing.
Nothing was never It felt like a long extended airbnbsta.
You came to the house, you came there. There was
(39:48):
no love in there, There was no no matter how
many nights I cooked and posted on social.
Speaker 4 (39:53):
Media, it never felt like a home ever.
Speaker 3 (39:57):
And so I was angry at God because I was obedient,
and it was like the only thing that was driving
that situation was money. And I was sick of it.
I was sick of it. I would have rather moved
(40:19):
into a Section eight low income apartment than continue to
live like that, to continue to live in hell and
to mentally be going crazy. Because narcissism is real, because
you were abused. Yeah, And I didn't know. I had
no clue what narcissism even was until last year.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
I had no clue.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
And I went on a twenty one day fast to
make sure that I was making the right decisions, the
right decision on leaving. I had been separated for over
a year.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
And.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
A person could persuade you to think, you're you're ruining
your family, You're destroying your girls, You're doing this, you're
doing that. Oh you're gonna fail, You're gonna fall flat
on your face. And I started to question that, and
so I went on a twenty one day fast, and
I really asked God if I was making the right
decision moving back here, and if I was making the
right decision leaving, and if I was making the right
(41:16):
decision putting myself first. And I tell you, as soon
as that twenty one day fast is over. God revealed
everything to me everything, And I've never in my life
and I'm thirty nine now have I ever been this
happy in this moment right now, I'm at peace. I
(41:41):
just you ever just feel like you can't breathe or
like you're just stuck and you might as well be dead. Yeah,
that's literally how I felt. And I can't go all
the way into detail on like every trauma that I
(42:04):
just came out of, you know, but I will, you know.
And I never put my book out because I wasn't
telling the truth.
Speaker 4 (42:13):
In the end.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
It wasn't over. The story wasn't over.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
Yeah, reason why all those publishings.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Everything just kept like I just and it is.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
It was crazy because everybody's like, oh, the book's not
out yet.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
When's the book coming out? When? And I'm just like,
I don't feel that it's time.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
All right, you guys, We're going to on a quick
break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Are you guys? Welcome back?
Speaker 1 (42:37):
Because I remember when all that book publishing, you couldn't
find this person, that person Morgan. Your story wasn't over
and it's still not over, that little thin book that
you gave me to read that thin as book is
probably gonna be like like this. I remember getting a
sample for the book and she's like, read it. Let
me know what you think.
Speaker 4 (42:55):
Did I give you the Spanish version of the English?
Speaker 2 (42:56):
The English?
Speaker 1 (42:59):
But I remember, and I'm like, it's so small, there's
so much of Morgan. And then then this, it's just
it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't meant to be.
And as a friend and as someone that I know
a good amount of the story, and I know i'm
a little I would say the surface of what happened
(43:20):
and before and after, like, I'm so grateful to God.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
You are back in La. Your girls are safe.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
Corey is a grown man doing his thing. Responsible. But
you are doing a good job, and you are doing
the best that you could have done. Then little Morgan,
with Corey and with these two girls. Now you're doing
the best you could as a mother and even still
(43:51):
as a friend to other people, because I think now
it's your time. There comes a point in your life
where you got to stop showing up for other people
and be there for yourself.
Speaker 4 (44:03):
That's what I've realized, and that's it.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Yea, God, Morgan, you have to it's done. You're done,
Like that's it, and this goes for everybody else as well,
Like you got it. Stop worrying about what people are
gonna say, what people are gonna do, and just live
your life.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
How you want to do it. Yeah, find that piece.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Nothing is more important than the peace that you have
in your heart. And that's what I've learned in this
year too. Like I'm done satisfying other people or sacrificing
my happiness or my time because time is too precious.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
I'm done.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
I'm done wasting my time on people that do not
respect me, that do not care or do not think
that I have the capability.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
No, maybe I'm done. Time is too precious.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
You are too precious to be letting your time and
your mental space go to waste.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
Yeah, no, I'm I'm checked out of it, Like I'm
what I feel now. I know now what I've been
chasing my entire life, which was happiness, and that's.
Speaker 1 (45:06):
Within and it took you what forty years to get it?
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Almost, girl, Give me my little money, No, I got,
I got always till February.
Speaker 4 (45:14):
Give me my month in my.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
Thirty ninety nine years.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Yes, give me my month, you know, because i learned
so much in these last like I want to say,
like six months, then I've learned in a lifetime even
with like.
Speaker 4 (45:32):
For me, I feel like people take the cheating lightly.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
And why I say that is because during my fast,
a lot of people like I was, I was really chunky.
Speaker 4 (45:46):
These last seven years, six years, and I'm not.
Speaker 3 (45:50):
I don't, I don't, I'm not. I've never been chunky
in my life. Like I'll have kids and then two
years later I'll lose the weight. But I've never been
a chunky person ever. And after my fast, I went
on this very crazy spiritual fast. I lost twenty pounds
on my fast. And when I tell you this may
sound wird, I was throwing up foam. I was throwing
(46:12):
up all kinds of demonic nesting. Because what people don't
understand is when you're out here and you're just sleeping
with whoever you want to sleep with, you don't know
what God they're worshiping.
Speaker 4 (46:24):
You don't know if they're doing voodoo to the max,
like you.
Speaker 3 (46:29):
Don't know what voodoo they're doing, what witchcraft they're doing,
and all of that is jumping not only on you,
but your partner as well.
Speaker 4 (46:35):
And then whoever they've been with. All of that is
tied to you.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
Second, I got off my fast. Girl, There's no way
I lost twenty pounds in two weeks. Explain anybody want
to explain that? Because it wasn't Ozmpic. So my glue tie.
Because I was on that at first. That didn't do
nothing for me. Probably lost like five pounds on that thing.
Speaker 4 (46:59):
Really nothing, It did nothing. It did nothing.
Speaker 3 (47:02):
And that was in October of last year. Right, I
went on a twenty one day fast. The first week
I didn't lose no weight. That picture I posted it
before that picture. I posted it before and after the
photo when I was a little chunkier. That was week
That was week one that I had knocked down. The
last two weeks I lost twenty pounds. And that was
because of all the demons that had been on me.
(47:25):
And when I tell you, I shucked them things like
a girl.
Speaker 1 (47:28):
I got out of there, like you can keep this
five years only twenty pounds a little more, No, but
for real, you detoxed everything out, You let it out.
Speaker 4 (47:41):
From childhood and all of it.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
It wasn't just the five years, no, it was it
was I felt peace and fulfilled for the first time
in my life.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
So what are you looking forward to now?
Speaker 3 (47:52):
I am looking forward to my purpose and my calling.
I'm looking forward to being a light for women. I
know you say I'm done, but I'm done being that
extra yes hand, but I'm nowhere near done when it
comes to my calling, and my calling is women, and
I need to show women that they're strong enough, you
(48:14):
know what I'm saying. I need to be a voice
for them to stand up for themselves and to not
just just stay stuck and to not just exist. And
so I'm gonna focus on the book, and I'm going
to focus on my calling, my ministry and just really
get to work.
Speaker 4 (48:34):
Get to work.
Speaker 3 (48:34):
Because my daughters are still watching me, and I've been
told I'm gonna fail, and so I got to give
everybody a show them.
Speaker 4 (48:42):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (48:43):
That's the only way to do it, and I cannot
wait to see it.
Speaker 4 (48:46):
I love you and.
Speaker 1 (48:47):
I love being away from me whatever ever, ever, ever?
Speaker 4 (48:52):
Can I get some spaghetti please? You guys have no idea.
She's the best spaghetti.
Speaker 2 (48:58):
But are you done with fast so I can make
it for you? Or no?
Speaker 4 (49:02):
No, I'm actually on another twenty one day fast. I'm
on week two right.
Speaker 3 (49:05):
Now, So after next week I'm coming over for some spaghetti.
Speaker 4 (49:09):
I'm actually on another twenty one right now because whatever
he moved.
Speaker 3 (49:14):
Mountains for me, and so now I need him to
show me what it is he wants me to do. Yeah,
and what my purpose is. I know what my purpose is.
Speaker 4 (49:22):
But what direction?
Speaker 3 (49:23):
Do you still want me to do my business that
I've been doing for seven years? Or is it time
for me to walk away from that? Is it time
for me to just focus solely on women empowerment? I
need to know And the only way to do that
is to silence everything around me.
Speaker 4 (49:38):
Sorry, no, keep punching the mic.
Speaker 2 (49:40):
No, but it's it's really that.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
It's like you got to come back to you, come
back to God and figure out exactly what the.
Speaker 4 (49:47):
Path is exactly.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
And I'm excited for you.
Speaker 1 (49:49):
Thank you, and I thank you. I know that this
wasn't easy to do. I know that we had a
little hiccups.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
With the baby, but I'm grateful.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
I'm grateful for you in so many ways.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
Morgan, you have no idea.
Speaker 4 (50:02):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (50:03):
I have nothing but good things to say about you,
other than that you're crazy. You know, crazy bitch A
little bit sometimes I don't.
Speaker 4 (50:12):
Business is business, and that's always gonna be.
Speaker 1 (50:15):
I'm grateful for everything that you've done for me and
you've taught me and being that voice in my life.
And I can't thank God enough because you are alike.
I love you so so so much, and I want
people to have the opportunity to follow you, to follow
your story.
Speaker 3 (50:34):
What is your social Morgan Hardman on Instagram on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (50:39):
If you guys needed a light or a voice, or
if you're in a dark situation, please know that you
are not alone. There's other women, Morgan being an example.
You are not alone. God is with you, and I
think I thank you so much and I love you,
and please make sure you guys like common subscribe. If
(50:59):
you guys need any help, I'm gonna leave a domestic
violence hotline, suicide hotline, everything in the descriptions.
Speaker 2 (51:06):
That way, you guys can take.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
A look at that therapy as well.
Speaker 2 (51:10):
It's so important.
Speaker 1 (51:12):
But other than that, thank you guys so much and
I will see you guys next Tuesday. By Overcome for
podcast is a production of IHEARTMCA podcast Network.
Welcome back to the Overcover podcast. You guys, thank you
so much for choosing to be here. I am your host,
Jennica Lopez. I'm just very excited for this specific guest
because she has brought so many good things to my
life and her story has impacted me.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And I know.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
She is not the only one in the world that
is probably going through this. Maybe hers is just her
situation a little bit different. But anyways, Morgan Hardman, gorgeous, gorgeous,
gorgeous girl.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I don't know how do we meet.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
I don't even remember how we met, but I just
remember loving you since the moment I met you.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
You were literally one of my favorite people in the
whole world. I mean that from the bottom of my heart,
and that's saying a lot coming from me. We actually
met in my living room. We did now brought you
and it was all business.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
It was yes, we were talking about business, and then
we just started having a personal relationship from them. What
a lot of people don't know is that.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
You are the reason why I found my biological father.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Yeah, I'll give a little short story about that. Morgan.
Morgan was in the same situation as me, and she
pushed me and she also offered, and she was also
just available and was that listening ear when I felt
like no one understood me and Morgan, when I had
met her, she kind of just explained everything to me
(01:44):
and we just connected, and I think that's why we
love each other so much. So she is one of them.
She is the reason why I found my biological father
and helped me through that process. She is also why
I know my realtor and why I'm also in this
house because without her, without Shanty Like, I wouldn't have
(02:05):
known or been in this position.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
So thank you, I love you.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
One of the main reasons why I wanted you to
come on the podcast is because I obviously know a
lot of your story and there's probably still things that
I don't know about because you kind of disappeared. But
I kind of want to give you know insight, and
you know, thank you because I know it's not going
to be very easy, but it's healed me and your
(02:31):
strength and your commitment to your family, to God and
who you are as a person is very inspiring and
I want to be able to share that and obviously
with your own time and your own space, but I
do want to give the floor about who is Morgan Hardman,
Who was she? What does she do?
Speaker 2 (02:52):
And who? Yeah, how did you come to where you
are today?
Speaker 3 (02:56):
So if I take it back, if I go back
a little bit, I grew up in foster care.
Speaker 4 (03:04):
A lot of people don't know.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
But like a big part of my story that I'm
not afraid to walk in my truth anymore about is.
Speaker 4 (03:12):
What a lot of people don't know.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
And a big part of my story that I've actually
never shared yet, it's actually going to be in my book,
but I'm going to share with you because you are
family to me, is a lot of people don't know
that I don't know how to read and I don't
know how to spell, and so for that reason alone,
like I've always had a challenge in life.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Just being able to get by. And so.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
For most of my life, I was a personal assistant
to Ray J A lot of you guys know that,
and I worked with a lot of other celebrities. I
was an assistant director on set. I've been a PA
on set, I've dabbed into the medical field. I've did
a little bit of everything, and then obviously recently I've
been blessed to be a part of a phenomenal industry,
(03:57):
which is network marketing, which is where I landed. Like
most of my success, I didn't need to know how
to read or spell to be successful in this actual industry,
and so I dominated that, but.
Speaker 4 (04:13):
Was secretly dying on the inside. You know.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
I did a season eleven hip hop that wasn't really
my thing. You know, the television and the comments, I'm
one who reads them.
Speaker 4 (04:24):
Unfortunately, I tried so hard not to.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Like, I feel like that's the surface level of like,
how do okay? So let's go into I think what
we connect most on is obviously our fathers and all that.
That situation for you, what was that like for you?
What did you go through with that?
Speaker 3 (04:40):
So for me, you know, I said that I was.
I grew up in foster homes and group homes. So
my mom was a drug addict and she was also
a prostitute. And I didn't know my father, And obviously
my mom had a lot of men in and out
of the house. And one day she'll say this was
your dad. The next day she'll say, oh, that's your dad.
And then and when she gets upset with me, oh,
(05:02):
you know, your dadd didn't want you. He left when
he found out I was pregnant with you, just like
just so much just evilness, you know. And I always
felt like I needed to know and I always wanted
to know who was my father. And when I was
eighteen years old, I ended up finding him and he
was there with open arms, like it was so opposite
(05:26):
of what my mother told me he was, and he
wanted to just embrace and love me, but.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
I was in full reject mode.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
It was like I thought that's what I wanted, and
I thought that I needed to fill that void at
the time, but I was still skeptical. And the reason
I was so skeptical was because I was told every
man that walked through the door with my dad. So
I was very serious about wanting a paternity test, and
he didn't want to give me one. And so for
years I would be like, why, why don't you want
(05:59):
to get like a child support you, you know what
I mean. And to this day, I don't know why
he wouldn't give me one, but I actually I cut
him off for a while and I just it didn't
exist to me still for years. And finally years later,
like right around the time I got married, he was
like listen, baby girl, if you wanted a paternity test,
(06:21):
I'll give you one. I'll give you a paternity test,
but you're my daughter, no matter what, no matter what
any paperwork says. And that's what he's always said to me,
you know. But I had to make him understand that's fine,
but if my search isn't over, I need to know.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Yeah, you.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Get that, get any of them right. And so it
wasn't anything personal to him. It's just my mom was
a prostitute.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
You didn't know where to look or where to go.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
And so he his name was the name that was
on my birthativiate. So thank god she didn't know that
information right, so she had it right. And I've still
to this day never got a paternity test. But what
I did do was I went on ancestry, kind of
like what we did with you, and I found people
(07:11):
on there that were related to him. Because I still
wasn't okay with not having that paternity test, but I
did find people on there that had the same DNA
as him, so then I was at ease. And since then,
I've been okay with calling him dad. I've been okay
with building a relationship with him, understanding that I had
(07:33):
to undo all the lies my mom told me about
him who he was, because that's so not who he is.
He is such a great man of God, and he's
always and always.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
Will pray for me.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
He's been praying for me even he said he always
felt like he had a daughter out.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
There, he just never knew where.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Okay, so he didn't know.
Speaker 4 (07:51):
No, he had no clue. I existed, no clue.
Speaker 3 (07:55):
But from the moment we found him, which I found
him through a lady named doctor Lois.
Speaker 4 (08:00):
She could track anybody down.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
And from the moment I met him, he said he
always knew he had a daughter out there somewhere.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Did that? I packed your relationship with your mom and like,
because for me it was different because my mom wasn't
here anymore, you know, so I didn't know how to
manage that.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
But how was it, you know obviously, Like.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
It wasn't different. My mom was going. My mom died
when I was fifteen. You're right, I'm sorry, so I
didn't get a chance to.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Ask the questions, be mad at her. My mom died
when I was fifteen two. I totally forgot about them.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
I didn't get a chance to like, yeah, there was
just so many lies told that, you know, you never
get the answer to it. You know, you you can search,
you can talk to people that knew them, you can
try and understand why.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
But you're just never going to get that fulfillment.
Speaker 3 (08:57):
You're not and the only thing that could fulfill you
in take that pain away as the presence of God
is what I found.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
You know, Yeah, definitely sow.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
But Okay, so now that you have a relationship, and
I'm asking like generally because like we've never really gotten
this far. For me, it's still difficult to have that
relationship because I think just the way I grew up
and obviously you've seen and you know, like the walls
you're precious are built high.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
You're precious to people, and you're you're so good, like
you're good, you are goodness, like if there is a
your goodness and you have to be protected, Jenica, because.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
And that's where I feel like it's hard for me
to let that wall down. And especially because even when
I went to your house the first time, like we
were both like bumping heads or like just walls, you know,
and like you could feel it, you know, when like
there's walls built between people, Like Okay, how did you
(10:01):
let that wall come down for your dad.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Honestly, I feel like I started to see more people
with their fathers and see so many people without them,
and I felt like, I still have a living parent,
and I want to be there. I want to be
in his life. I want to be in photos. I
(10:27):
want I want my kids to know who he is.
I don't have family like that. I made my own family.
I always have, you know. It's always just been me
and my brothers. And so anyone you hear me say, oh,
that's my cousin, that's my They're not not by blood, you.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Know what I mean, they're your family.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
Yeah, you know, you're my family. And I made my
own family my entire life. I've always done that, and
so this was actually someone who was a part of
my DNA, and it meant something to me just to
make it right, Like I hear these songs by all
these people about their father and dance with my father
and all these and I never had that, you know.
(11:06):
And I remember as a little girl, I always just
wanted a dad. So you have one, now, why why
not embrace him? And he's good? He's goodness, Like, he's
a good person too. So what am I rejecting, still
holding on to all those memories and all those thoughts
that my mom put in my head of my father
that are so untrue. And so I just want love
(11:28):
in my life right now, and I want someone who
has authority to pray over me in my life.
Speaker 4 (11:33):
And he has authority. Yeah, it's my father, you know.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I think that's the beautiful part though.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
All right, you guys, we're gonna go on a quick
break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
Are you guys?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Welcome back? And I think that's where my personal relationship
with my father kind of just like goes like it's.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
Do you guys talk at all?
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Sometimes it's more hey, how are you?
Speaker 2 (11:56):
And that's it.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
There's no but see you have to understand to you
come from a way different.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
World and that's totally fine, and which is what I
this year. It was like he was very vulnerable and
asked me like are you gonna work on having a
relationship with me or like what is it? And I
was like, yeah, I don't have like I can. I'm
gonna try. And I made that commitment to God, like
I said, you know what, God, like, I'm gonna do
my best. I'm gonna do what I can, but I'm
(12:23):
not gonna push myself. I'm gonna respect my my boundaries
and be there as much as I can for you know,
and whatever relationship this is going to be, it's gonna
come from God.
Speaker 3 (12:35):
My best advice to you on that is, go at
your pacete, go at your pace. Don't don't rush what
you're not comfortable being in because this is very new
for you. You know what I'm saying. And you are your
entire life. You thought one person was your father. You
have memories with this person, you were raised, you until
because he passed away, right, and so for almost a day, okay,
(13:00):
you thought both your parents were deceased. And so it's
hard to just turn around and love a stranger.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
It's so hard.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I know that because I could honestly say I just
started telling my dad.
Speaker 4 (13:12):
I loved him about it a couple of months ago.
Speaker 3 (13:15):
I never even said that's so scary. I never even
said the word dad. I would just be like, hey, hey,
like his name in my phone was Luther because that's
his name, and I just changed it to my dad that.
Speaker 4 (13:27):
I know.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
It's weird.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
I know, I know, and people think like it's not
It's such a big deal. It's such a big deal
because it's like you've gone your entire life without this person,
and then you're told this is your dad and then
now you're supposed to just hit it off from the gate. No,
you got to learn this person, know that.
Speaker 4 (13:50):
Check the motive. Is there a motive?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
I remember at one point, and he's probably gonna see this,
but I remember at one point he made a comment
that that didn't sit well with me, and I got
scared of him for a while.
Speaker 4 (14:05):
And then there was a time when.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
I was on Love and Hip Hop and he was like,
you need to change your last name to Craven, And
I'm like, I just met you.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
I changed my last name to Craven. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
And those things pushed me further away because I felt
there was a motive. But then when I because my
heart has always been hardened because how hurt I've been
my entire life, and so when I started to get
more filled with God and I started to seek God more,
it started to soften.
Speaker 4 (14:33):
It started to soften more.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Do you think at least for me, when I think
about it, I'm like, I feel like I would have
done better.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I think, what fucked me up?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Was that I found out as an adult.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
I did too, I was eighteen exactly.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
But yeah, if maybe if I found out if I
was when I was sixteen or fifteen, I feel like
it would be a lot different.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Do you think or what do you like?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
Do you do you?
Speaker 4 (15:00):
Honestly, this is an honest question. I know this isn't
my show.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Go no, go for it.
Speaker 4 (15:05):
But do you feel a part of you.
Speaker 3 (15:09):
Is not wanting a relationship with him because you don't
want to hurt your father that's in heaven.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
No. I feel like that last year I did, and
that goes along with my siblings as well, because my
siblings don't have their dad, well, my older ones, their
father is in prison. But it's We've always lived our
lives with.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Like we don't have a dad. My mom always raised us.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
You know. I always had that in my mentality up
until like end of last year this year, where I
was like, Okay, I need it.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I do need to make the change.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Like I do have someone that's alive and that knows me,
and literally I wouldn't be here without that person. So
you know, at times I'm like, damn, like I wish
I knew when I was younger, so that way I
can just grow into it and grow up with it
and learn to live with it, versus now that I'm
(16:01):
mature and I have all these thoughts in my heads
and like I'm scared and so many fears, like it
pushes me away more and have you guys, No, I don't.
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Think about that. That might help.
Speaker 3 (16:16):
That might help because you'll be able to get the
things will be able to come out that you don't
even know that are there on both ends.
Speaker 4 (16:23):
You know.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
It's your pace, though, jah don't let them when it
rush you into it. This is but because I was
there through the whole thing, so I even know how
nervous you were on not wanting to know. I know
how you didn't even No, no, no, I don't want to
do that.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
No, I don't know. I don't know, and I'm like no,
like what if? Like you know?
Speaker 3 (16:42):
So I know that you have to go at your
pace and what's comfortable for Jenica.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Did it impact your relationships like growing up like or okay, well,
will your relationship with your parents? Did it impact how
your view on love with other people?
Speaker 3 (17:03):
Honestly, I never wanted to be married, never cared for it.
It was never a dream of mine or you know
how most kids, you know, they want to be princesses
and all this. Never wanted to be a princess, never
wanted to be married, never wanted a wedding, never pictured
myself in a wedding gown, none of it.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Because of that, I maybe it could be.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
I mean, my mom had so many different boyfriends and
just different men in and out of the house, allowed
them to do whatever they wanted to me, and I
for a long time had like I rejected men, and
I honestly like I did an event with Tory Hart,
(17:48):
Kyla Prepp, April Jones, and there was another girl there,
and it was an event at a high school where
it was letters to our father and it was basically
a bunch of girls that have been sexually abused. And
some of them didn't have their fathers there, and some
of them did, and some of them were sexually abused
by their fathers.
Speaker 4 (18:07):
And I'll never forget.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
I wrote a letter to my father and in that letter,
this was before I had already met him, But in
that letter, I blamed him for all of my mom's
drug partners molesting me and for all the trauma that
I went through as a child because I felt like
if I had a father that I would have been protected.
And if I had a father, all of these years
(18:30):
of my adulthood, I would not have had to walk
in my masculinity to always protect myself.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
And I'm just now learning to be feminine.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
And that sucks, yeah, because you You've always had to
put that front.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
Always and it sucks, but it feels good now to
recognize it. I'm one person, like I'll recognize where I'm wrong,
or I'll recognize what changes I need to make.
Speaker 4 (18:56):
And I just got sick.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
Of playing both roles always, you know, And now I'm
I don't want to be masculine anymore.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
I want I don't want. I don't want to be
a princess. Yeah, I want to be a princess. There
you go.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
And I think you deserve it absolutely because there's just
so much and I maybe we'll get into it or whatnot.
But like, yeah, Morgan, you you are very tough.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
You are very like your bossy.
Speaker 4 (19:31):
You lead.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
It's your way or no way, but that's because of
the way you grew up. You had no one to
depend on but yourself.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
I raised myself since I was seven and I'm not
exaggerating that. Like I got myself ready for school at seven,
I took myself to school at seven, I did my
own hair, I was in grocery stores, still in groceries
to feed me and my brothers. I raised myself since
I was seven years old, and I was very scared
(19:58):
of my mom, which I never I never asked for
anything I would. I never had a birthday, never was celebrated,
never was told I was beautiful, never was told anything.
Speaker 4 (20:10):
And so.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Yeah, I then, I've been in many abusive relationships, so
you at some point you gotta be tough. You have
to protect yourself. And it sucks because I'm just tired.
I'm tired of always being taken advantage of still having
(20:33):
a good heart, and.
Speaker 4 (20:35):
I'm tired of walking in my masculinity.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
And God blessed me with an amazing person recently who
I've learned so much from and has led literally.
Speaker 4 (20:48):
Helped me to be feminine. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
And I don't think if I didn't go through what
I've gone through that I wouldn't have got to where
I am today. I agree, you know, but life is
scary and it's hard, especially when you're alone. Yeah, you know,
I haven't had the support of my brothers. It's always
been what they can get from me, and so I've
(21:14):
just always been alone. Yeah, and just me and my
son until I had my beautiful girls.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
You know, was it hard for you to have kids though,
because I remember it was like after the third one,
you were it was just girl. You couldn't believe it.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
So for one, I wasn't supposed to be able to
have no more kids. So that was a miracle and
excel itself, a Ria. Me having my oldest daughter was
definitely a miracle, and she just brought so much peace
to my life. And it was like a reset came
over me when she was born. And I'll be honest,
a lot of people don't know either. The whole time
I was pregnant with her, I was in a deep depression,
(21:52):
like I was going to commit suicide, Like I was
literally in therapy twice a week because I was scared
that I was gonna fell as a mother to a daughter.
I was scared that I was going to become my mom.
And my mom was so good to my brothers, but
just so horrible to me, And it was traumatizing when
I found out I was having a daughter, and so
(22:18):
it was nerve wrecking and I was in therapy and
I slipped into a deep depression. And then I had
her and life was just changed everything. She changed everything
in me to where nothing around me painful existed. I
didn't care, and that's why for so long I didn't
know what was going on around me, because I was
(22:39):
just in love, you know, like true love all over again.
She literally just became my blanket.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Like security.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
That's why she's so spoiled now. It's like she's just
so used to me, like just all up on her.
Speaker 4 (22:54):
You know. She became my security blanket for so long,
and she was just peace. And then a dale came along.
I was not prepared for that.
Speaker 3 (23:06):
Didn't want any more kids, was not planned. But I
couldn't see life without her either. And now I have
to live my life, my life knowing that I have
two little girls that are watching me as a woman
and how I act as a woman, not as a
masculine tomboy who I've always been my entire life since
(23:27):
a little girl.
Speaker 4 (23:28):
Because I only have brothers. I'm the only girl.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
But I have to be more affectionate too. I'm not
affectionate yeah, you're not. I'm not even like I've had
people come hugging on I give the side church hugs
like hey, what's up? And I've had to learn how
to be affectionate, let them lay on me, hugs, cuddles,
be girly like it's so weird.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
But was that because sorry to cut you off, but
you don't receive affection?
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Was that because like of abuse.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
I've been told that through some psychiatrists and therapist that
it's it's from the sexual abuse and the physical abuse.
Speaker 4 (24:06):
Never had my mom. My Mom's never hugged me, you know.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
So it's just kind of like a ball of everything.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
If my kids were not here, I wouldn't be here
long time ago.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
How was it because you had Corey, which is her
first son, the oldest, the eldest.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
Was it hard raising a boy?
Speaker 4 (24:32):
No? I have all brothers. Ye right, yeah, so it wasn't.
It wasn't hard raising a.
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Boy, but at times I was tougher on him, so
that way, I didn't like, I'm I wasn't that mom
that was like, hey, what do you think of these
shoes I got on?
Speaker 4 (24:49):
You know, like I didn't I didn't do any of that.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
I was I was more like a dude with him
because I wanted him to be able to be masculine,
you know what I mean. And I wanted him to
to have a shot at being a boy. You know,
I don't know how to say that without like offending anybody,
but that's just me. Like I wanted to make sure
that my son had a chance. And I didn't put
(25:11):
all these things in his head, like hey, you know
how you know, do does mommy look pretty in this dress?
Speaker 4 (25:16):
I didn't want to do that to him.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
All right, you guys, we're gonna want a quick break
and we'll be right back, are you guys?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Welcome back.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Bargain is a freshly single mom of three. So, but
you were talking about raising your boys to be boys Corey,
and I think at me being around, I love how
Corey protects you now, like he's I feel like he's
become your safe space.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
Nothing.
Speaker 2 (25:40):
He's like been.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
Very He's quiet, and he knows when.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Too Yeah one to say his part.
Speaker 4 (25:48):
He does. He does. He's a great kid.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
And so what has how's that relationship?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Because you had him?
Speaker 4 (25:57):
I was eighteen when I had him. I begged to
keep him. I begged, did you know he was a boy.
I did.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
I did know he was a boy. Like when I
was two months pregnant, and the family, his dad's side,
his grandmother, she's like my mother now. They were all
trying to force me to get an abortion. And I
pulled her to the side and I said, listen, if
you let me have him, I will never child support him,
I will never ask for help, I will never anything.
(26:28):
I need somebody to love me. I need him. And
she let me keep him.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
You felt like that was a sign from God.
Speaker 4 (26:35):
Yeah, I mean I needed him. I did. I was
so just lost and alone in the world. I was
literally on my own. My mom had died when I
was fifteen. I was living with my aunt for a
little while.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
It was not my real aunt, but I was living
with someone for a little while, and some things happened there.
I ran away, something very traumatic happened to me. And
when I was when I ran away, and then I
ended up meeting my son's father a little bit after
and we were in love, like we were.
Speaker 4 (27:09):
We were in love. You know. He was a really
good guy in the beginning.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
And then start off with the push, start off with
the pull, start off with the names, and then just
full on five.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
Year abusive relationship.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
And you know, I had someone come up to come
up to me and tell me, if you don't get
out of this, you know, either your son's going to
become a woman beater because his dad's dad was, or
you're gonna end up dead. And so I left that
week and never went back.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
H how do you do?
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Like, I just don't know where you find that strength.
And I think even till this day, to what you've
been up to, what till what till what you've been
through till this day.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
Yeah, like I feel like, when is enough enough?
Speaker 4 (28:00):
Now? Now? Now that's it for me. I'm not.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
I'm not attracting it anymore. I think I was. I
was attracting trauma and I was attracting damaged people and
toxic people, you know, because I feel like I had
a lot of stuff about me that was toxic and
didn't realize it. And yeah, and like I said, I'm
(28:31):
one person when there's something wrong with me or I
need to die to self, I'm the first one to
be like, I will reevaluate myself immediately and correct myself.
Maybe not in public, maybe maybe maybe not right here.
Like if you're cussing me out.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
I won't. I'll shut down and or I'll pop back
off with you.
Speaker 3 (28:49):
But when I go home, I'm literally I'm sitting with
it and I'm over analyzing it, and it's consuming me,
you know.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
And I felt like.
Speaker 3 (29:01):
It's a spiritual warfare out there as well. And I
feel like I've always been the devil's target because my
true calling and my purpose and I had no idea
how big my calling was in my purpose, and so
it makes sense. Yeah, but he should have took me
out when he had the chance, because now I can
(29:25):
identify what's evil, and now I can identify what's toxic
and what's not for me, and what's not safe and
what's not good, you know, and not healthy. Before I
just wanted love so bad that I didn't care how
it looked or how it felt, or if it came
with a punch, or if it came with a slap,
or if it came with narcissism.
Speaker 4 (29:44):
I just wanted to be loved.
Speaker 2 (29:48):
And you've got it.
Speaker 1 (29:49):
You want people fall back into cycles or fall back
into what they grew up with, because that's.
Speaker 2 (29:55):
Exactly what it is. You grew up with it. You're
comfortable with the abuse, you were comfortable with the as
long as you sensed.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
A little bit of love exactly, and what did that
shift for you?
Speaker 3 (30:15):
Honestly, when I met somebody, I met somebody. You know
I've been I was separated now would be a year
and two months, and so two months into the separation,
I met somebody and it was for me. I felt
(30:35):
like it was an angel sent from God. And I
know many people may think, oh, but you were actually
still in marriage, so it could know it was an angel.
It was an angel sent from God because I didn't
know how to love myself and I didn't I didn't know.
(31:00):
I never I feel like I never had anyone care
enough to see me. And I felt like I feel
like my entire life I was just existing.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
You're surviving, m M.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
I've always just been surviving.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
And this person came into my life and brought me
to life. And I tell this person all the time
like they literally brought me back to life because for
the first time in I'm almost forty, nobody ever loved
me like that. Nobody ever saw me, nobody ever prayed
(31:37):
over me, nobody ever encouraged me the way that this
person did. No one ever protected me the way that
this person did. And you know, I'm forever grateful, I
really am, because they taught me how to pray. I
was comfortable enough to tell this person I didn't know
how to read. They taught me how to read the Bible,
(31:59):
you know, Like that is so big to me, you know,
I to be able to announce that I could read
the Bible. And God set me an angel just to
guide me through this process, you know, and to help
me through it. And I'm just I'm thankful that that
person was there because I went through seven years a hell,
(32:24):
literally seven years a hell.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
You did, and I'm so proud that you got out
of it.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah, I'm so happy, I'm so so so like and
I don't again, I'm just amazed because I know that
there's people watching or listening and people that have been
through what you've been through, or maybe even worse or
maybe even a little less. But there's always a message
(32:55):
in this pain and this pain that you went through.
What are your life like three things like say again,
the people watching or listening, or maybe even your friends
that didn't even know friends that or whatever maybe they did.
What are things that you could say that you've learned
in this lifetime like that you carry on to this day.
Speaker 4 (33:18):
Money could never fulfill you. Only the presence of God
can do that.
Speaker 3 (33:23):
Because I have so many people who were like, you're
walking away with nothing, like are you kidding me? Or
I gave back my Bentley, not how much I did
not care. I wanted out. I gave back my Bam.
Speaker 2 (33:39):
No, that's superficial. Shit doesn't matter.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
I walked away from a five point five million dollar
house that's still sitting in Miami, didn't care to become
a renter. I still own the house. I'm still part
owner of the house. But my sanity. I was mentally
going crazy. I was about to kill myself numerous times.
(34:01):
And I'm just like, like, for me, depression is serious
because it runs in my family. My grandmother killed herself
from her husband committing adultery. You know, my grandmother committed
suicide from it. And so I know that you know
that it's it, you know that there's an effect there.
(34:22):
But I also know that God is more powerful, and
I seek him in those.
Speaker 4 (34:28):
Times, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
But it was like I was mentally losing my mind.
I had went through so many deaths back to back
and you know, my son and his girlfriend broke up,
and I was like, my daughter, that girl that devastated
me more than half the deaths that I went through
because I love her. I love her, and I to
(34:50):
this day, I'm always gonna love her. You know that
that was my daughter's girlfriend. And when I met her,
you know, God spoke to me about her. She had
been through what I had been through with her mom dying,
and so I wanted to just take care of her,
you know, And that's who I am.
Speaker 4 (35:06):
And so.
Speaker 3 (35:09):
I think the depths woke me up too, to not
just exist and to actually live.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
There's one say, where's one thing of people saying it
like this is gonna you know, this should teach you
something or whatever, and then it actually hitting you.
Speaker 4 (35:26):
And it hit me.
Speaker 3 (35:27):
I looked around and I was in a depression for
a year when my best friend died. And then you know,
there was a guy that I had been in love
with my entire life and he was murdered. Before any
of the deaths, he was the first one, and that
hit me hard because out of respect for my marriage,
(35:49):
I didn't show up to the funeral. And I can
never get that moment back. And only to find out
what was still going on was still going on. Yeah,
and I was over here trying to be so loyal
and no one was being loyal to me, and so
I didn't go to the funeral. And then he actually
(36:10):
was cremated, so there was no like obviously the spirit
went up to heaven anyways, but there was just no
place to go get the closure, you know, even after
the split, you know, but you know, I ended up,
you know, someone close to me that was like a
brother passed away, and then I had to be the
one to orchestrate the entire funeral, plan the entire funeral,
(36:32):
and it just was so draining. It like it was
just dark and just there was just it just it
just felt like something was going on around me that
I couldn't see with my eyes, and I needed to
be set free from it.
Speaker 1 (36:48):
Like I feel like your emotions were taken advantage in
a very vulnerable position, Like your emotions were already fucked
up with all these deaths. Here's this person. Let me
make it a little bit worse while she's not looking.
Speaker 4 (37:06):
And then we all know.
Speaker 3 (37:07):
I moved to Miami to be closer to the church
and to fix my situation.
Speaker 4 (37:13):
And that wasn't what I thought it was. And so
I was angry at God for an entire year.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
That's what I was gonna ask you, Like, in the
midst of all this, all of this, how was it? Like?
How did you manage to still I don't know, live
or focus or still believe like that God was like there.
Speaker 3 (37:35):
I didn't for a year until he sent me the Angel.
I couldn't pray. I was angry at God when I
lost my best friend Ronnie Hillman that I literally watched
him take his last breath.
Speaker 1 (37:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
I was there with him when he was on hospice,
was there when he got diagnosed. You know, that was
one of the only people who always had my back
no matter what, just never saw no wrong in me ever,
And I I was angry at God. That was an understatement.
(38:12):
I couldn't pray. I felt like I was obedient. There
was a time in my life where I was too religious.
I wasn't listening to worldly music. I stopped hanging out
my worldly friends. I was in drink, having no wine.
Speaker 4 (38:27):
No drink like I was. I was overwhelming with this Christianity.
Speaker 3 (38:33):
It was it was it was like girl piped down,
girl like it's okay to live. I was not living either,
and so I was too religious, and it was it
was like, you're so religious, but there was so much
stuff going on behind closed doors, you know, And it
was just like, Where's when is God showing up? Where
where is he in in in this relationship right now?
(38:55):
Because I'm not seeing it, you know. And when I
moved to Miami, there were so many people who told
me that God told them that I should move out there,
and I listened, and I moved my entire life, sold
(39:16):
my home that I built from the ground up, my
only sanctuary to me, like that was my security blanket.
Speaker 4 (39:22):
I built that house to move into a house that was.
Speaker 3 (39:27):
Just so demonic, I don't care how, and it just
put it just it was a twelve thousand square foot
piece of shit, if I can be honest and say
that on ear, you know, it was it was nothing.
Nothing was never It felt like a long extended airbnbsta.
You came to the house, you came there. There was
(39:48):
no love in there, There was no no matter how
many nights I cooked and posted on social.
Speaker 4 (39:53):
Media, it never felt like a home ever.
Speaker 3 (39:57):
And so I was angry at God because I was obedient,
and it was like the only thing that was driving
that situation was money. And I was sick of it.
I was sick of it. I would have rather moved
(40:19):
into a Section eight low income apartment than continue to
live like that, to continue to live in hell and
to mentally be going crazy. Because narcissism is real, because
you were abused. Yeah, And I didn't know. I had
no clue what narcissism even was until last year.
Speaker 4 (40:40):
I had no clue.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
And I went on a twenty one day fast to
make sure that I was making the right decisions, the
right decision on leaving. I had been separated for over
a year.
Speaker 4 (40:52):
And.
Speaker 3 (40:54):
A person could persuade you to think, you're you're ruining
your family, You're destroying your girls, You're doing this, you're
doing that. Oh you're gonna fail, You're gonna fall flat
on your face. And I started to question that, and
so I went on a twenty one day fast, and
I really asked God if I was making the right
decision moving back here, and if I was making the
right decision leaving, and if I was making the right
(41:16):
decision putting myself first. And I tell you, as soon
as that twenty one day fast is over. God revealed
everything to me everything, And I've never in my life
and I'm thirty nine now have I ever been this
happy in this moment right now, I'm at peace. I
(41:41):
just you ever just feel like you can't breathe or
like you're just stuck and you might as well be dead. Yeah,
that's literally how I felt. And I can't go all
the way into detail on like every trauma that I
(42:04):
just came out of, you know, but I will, you know.
And I never put my book out because I wasn't
telling the truth.
Speaker 4 (42:13):
In the end.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
It wasn't over. The story wasn't over.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
Yeah, reason why all those publishings.
Speaker 4 (42:21):
Everything just kept like I just and it is.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
It was crazy because everybody's like, oh, the book's not
out yet.
Speaker 4 (42:29):
When's the book coming out? When? And I'm just like,
I don't feel that it's time.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
All right, you guys, We're going to on a quick
break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
Are you guys? Welcome back?
Speaker 1 (42:37):
Because I remember when all that book publishing, you couldn't
find this person, that person Morgan. Your story wasn't over
and it's still not over, that little thin book that
you gave me to read that thin as book is
probably gonna be like like this. I remember getting a
sample for the book and she's like, read it. Let
me know what you think.
Speaker 4 (42:55):
Did I give you the Spanish version of the English?
Speaker 2 (42:56):
The English?
Speaker 1 (42:59):
But I remember, and I'm like, it's so small, there's
so much of Morgan. And then then this, it's just
it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't meant to be.
And as a friend and as someone that I know
a good amount of the story, and I know i'm
a little I would say the surface of what happened
(43:20):
and before and after, like, I'm so grateful to God.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
You are back in La. Your girls are safe.
Speaker 1 (43:29):
Corey is a grown man doing his thing. Responsible. But
you are doing a good job, and you are doing
the best that you could have done. Then little Morgan,
with Corey and with these two girls. Now you're doing
the best you could as a mother and even still
(43:51):
as a friend to other people, because I think now
it's your time. There comes a point in your life
where you got to stop showing up for other people
and be there for yourself.
Speaker 4 (44:03):
That's what I've realized, and that's it.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Yea, God, Morgan, you have to it's done. You're done,
Like that's it, and this goes for everybody else as well,
Like you got it. Stop worrying about what people are
gonna say, what people are gonna do, and just live
your life.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
How you want to do it. Yeah, find that piece.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
Nothing is more important than the peace that you have
in your heart. And that's what I've learned in this
year too. Like I'm done satisfying other people or sacrificing
my happiness or my time because time is too precious.
Speaker 2 (44:38):
I'm done.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
I'm done wasting my time on people that do not
respect me, that do not care or do not think
that I have the capability.
Speaker 2 (44:46):
No, maybe I'm done. Time is too precious.
Speaker 1 (44:50):
You are too precious to be letting your time and
your mental space go to waste.
Speaker 3 (44:56):
Yeah, no, I'm I'm checked out of it, Like I'm
what I feel now. I know now what I've been
chasing my entire life, which was happiness, and that's.
Speaker 1 (45:06):
Within and it took you what forty years to get it?
Speaker 3 (45:09):
Almost, girl, Give me my little money, No, I got,
I got always till February.
Speaker 4 (45:14):
Give me my month in my.
Speaker 1 (45:15):
Thirty ninety nine years.
Speaker 3 (45:17):
Yes, give me my month, you know, because i learned
so much in these last like I want to say,
like six months, then I've learned in a lifetime even
with like.
Speaker 4 (45:32):
For me, I feel like people take the cheating lightly.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
And why I say that is because during my fast,
a lot of people like I was, I was really chunky.
Speaker 4 (45:46):
These last seven years, six years, and I'm not.
Speaker 3 (45:50):
I don't, I don't, I'm not. I've never been chunky
in my life. Like I'll have kids and then two
years later I'll lose the weight. But I've never been
a chunky person ever. And after my fast, I went
on this very crazy spiritual fast. I lost twenty pounds
on my fast. And when I tell you this may
sound wird, I was throwing up foam. I was throwing
(46:12):
up all kinds of demonic nesting. Because what people don't
understand is when you're out here and you're just sleeping
with whoever you want to sleep with, you don't know
what God they're worshiping.
Speaker 4 (46:24):
You don't know if they're doing voodoo to the max,
like you.
Speaker 3 (46:29):
Don't know what voodoo they're doing, what witchcraft they're doing,
and all of that is jumping not only on you,
but your partner as well.
Speaker 4 (46:35):
And then whoever they've been with. All of that is
tied to you.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
Second, I got off my fast. Girl, There's no way
I lost twenty pounds in two weeks. Explain anybody want
to explain that? Because it wasn't Ozmpic. So my glue tie.
Because I was on that at first. That didn't do
nothing for me. Probably lost like five pounds on that thing.
Speaker 4 (46:59):
Really nothing, It did nothing. It did nothing.
Speaker 3 (47:02):
And that was in October of last year. Right, I
went on a twenty one day fast. The first week
I didn't lose no weight. That picture I posted it
before that picture. I posted it before and after the
photo when I was a little chunkier. That was week
That was week one that I had knocked down. The
last two weeks I lost twenty pounds. And that was
because of all the demons that had been on me.
(47:25):
And when I tell you, I shucked them things like
a girl.
Speaker 1 (47:28):
I got out of there, like you can keep this
five years only twenty pounds a little more, No, but
for real, you detoxed everything out, You let it out.
Speaker 4 (47:41):
From childhood and all of it.
Speaker 3 (47:42):
It wasn't just the five years, no, it was it
was I felt peace and fulfilled for the first time
in my life.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
So what are you looking forward to now?
Speaker 3 (47:52):
I am looking forward to my purpose and my calling.
I'm looking forward to being a light for women. I
know you say I'm done, but I'm done being that
extra yes hand, but I'm nowhere near done when it
comes to my calling, and my calling is women, and
I need to show women that they're strong enough, you
(48:14):
know what I'm saying. I need to be a voice
for them to stand up for themselves and to not
just just stay stuck and to not just exist. And
so I'm gonna focus on the book, and I'm going
to focus on my calling, my ministry and just really
get to work.
Speaker 4 (48:34):
Get to work.
Speaker 3 (48:34):
Because my daughters are still watching me, and I've been
told I'm gonna fail, and so I got to give
everybody a show them.
Speaker 4 (48:42):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (48:43):
That's the only way to do it, and I cannot
wait to see it.
Speaker 4 (48:46):
I love you and.
Speaker 1 (48:47):
I love being away from me whatever ever, ever, ever?
Speaker 4 (48:52):
Can I get some spaghetti please? You guys have no idea.
She's the best spaghetti.
Speaker 2 (48:58):
But are you done with fast so I can make
it for you? Or no?
Speaker 4 (49:02):
No, I'm actually on another twenty one day fast. I'm
on week two right.
Speaker 3 (49:05):
Now, So after next week I'm coming over for some spaghetti.
Speaker 4 (49:09):
I'm actually on another twenty one right now because whatever
he moved.
Speaker 3 (49:14):
Mountains for me, and so now I need him to
show me what it is he wants me to do. Yeah,
and what my purpose is. I know what my purpose is.
Speaker 4 (49:22):
But what direction?
Speaker 3 (49:23):
Do you still want me to do my business that
I've been doing for seven years? Or is it time
for me to walk away from that? Is it time
for me to just focus solely on women empowerment? I
need to know And the only way to do that
is to silence everything around me.
Speaker 4 (49:38):
Sorry, no, keep punching the mic.
Speaker 2 (49:40):
No, but it's it's really that.
Speaker 1 (49:41):
It's like you got to come back to you, come
back to God and figure out exactly what the.
Speaker 4 (49:47):
Path is exactly.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
And I'm excited for you.
Speaker 1 (49:49):
Thank you, and I thank you. I know that this
wasn't easy to do. I know that we had a
little hiccups.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
With the baby, but I'm grateful.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
I'm grateful for you in so many ways.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
Morgan, you have no idea.
Speaker 4 (50:02):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (50:03):
I have nothing but good things to say about you,
other than that you're crazy. You know, crazy bitch A
little bit sometimes I don't.
Speaker 4 (50:12):
Business is business, and that's always gonna be.
Speaker 1 (50:15):
I'm grateful for everything that you've done for me and
you've taught me and being that voice in my life.
And I can't thank God enough because you are alike.
I love you so so so much, and I want
people to have the opportunity to follow you, to follow
your story.
Speaker 3 (50:34):
What is your social Morgan Hardman on Instagram on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (50:39):
If you guys needed a light or a voice, or
if you're in a dark situation, please know that you
are not alone. There's other women, Morgan being an example.
You are not alone. God is with you, and I
think I thank you so much and I love you,
and please make sure you guys like common subscribe. If
(50:59):
you guys need any help, I'm gonna leave a domestic
violence hotline, suicide hotline, everything in the descriptions.
Speaker 2 (51:06):
That way, you guys can take.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
A look at that therapy as well.
Speaker 2 (51:10):
It's so important.
Speaker 1 (51:12):
But other than that, thank you guys so much and
I will see you guys next Tuesday. By Overcome for
podcast is a production of IHEARTMCA podcast Network.
Host
Jenicka Lopez
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