May 12, 2022 • 26 mins
The heartbroken mom and stepdad of Miss USA Cheslie Kryst join the Red Table for their first interview after their daughter tragically died by suicide earlier this year. Cheslie’s mother April shares the devastating final message her daughter sent moments before her death, opens up about Cheslie’s past struggles with mental health, and sets the record straight about Cheslie’s cause of death. Don’t miss this emotional and eye-opening Red Table Talk.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the
Facebook Watch show in Audio produced by Westbrook Audio and
I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review
on Apple Podcasts. When the devastating news broke about the
beautiful and brilliant Miss Usa, millions were stunned. Miss USA
(00:26):
is North Carolina in Chesley christ was crowned Miss USA.
From the outside, her life looked like a fairy tale.
Chesley was gorgeous, gifted, and good at everything. She was
this joyful, beautiful woman who just had this energy about
(00:51):
her that drew people in. She made me want to
be a better woman. She excelled in school, earning three
college diplomas, including an NBA in a law degree. At
the same time, she was at Division one Track and
Field Star. A loving daughter, devoted to her faith and
passionately stood up for what she believed in. We got
to work together on Miss Universe. Chesty at the world
(01:13):
at her feet would have bright, vivacious, wonderful person Alright, guys,
I am headed in to interview Allen Richson, who is
stepping into some pretty legendary hues. Those of time proves
over this is a transformational tour. She had a dream
job as an Emmy nominated correspondent for Extra. Well, you're
looking incredible, you were savage. Thank you's all cute and
(01:36):
and okay, that's not all right, harb. But Na, what
many didn't know is underneath it all, Chesley was reeling
from debilitating depression. Wow. On January thirty, for this year,
jestly jumped to her death from her twenty ninth floor
(01:57):
balcony for the first time. And we're hearing from Chestle's mom,
April Simpkins, Welcome. You don't think I'm really happy to
have you here. It's good to be here. It's healing
for me to talk about Chesley. Yeah, so thank you,
deepest sympathies and loss. Yeah. As a mother, I just
(02:22):
I can't imagine. I never thought I would be here.
She truly was my best friend. She was the first
person I talked to and I woke up. We would
literally just go about our morning, face timing each other.
She'd be putting on her makeup, I'll be getting myself
ready at my desk. How's your day, what's going on?
So did not have that makes mornings awful for me.
(02:47):
But I don't know that I'm going to get over
the grief. I'm trying to accept that grief and I
are going to do life together. Can you tell us
about her personality? I have six children and Chesli second
in line. There was always something incredible about Chesley. Her
intelligence was there from birth, honestly, and a lot of
her achievements didn't really surprise our family. She always sought
(03:13):
to do better, to learn more. She was always speaking
on behalf of her siblings and the way she would
call me up and negotiate their punishment. She started that
speaking for others at a young age. I think was
shocked so many people. Is when you see her on television,
when you see her on Instagram, TikTok, I don't know
(03:36):
about you. She's smiling, she's bubbly, And that was Chesley.
But Chesli was also battling depression, which she hid. Did
you see any preliminary signs or I did I need?
Chesli was suffering from depression. I didn't know the severity
of it. This was not her first suicide attempt. She
(03:59):
had attempted to aside before, and it was after that
first attempt that she and I grew very close, and
I wanted her to feel comfortable calling me. If ever
you're in crisis, call me. And she began taking all
the right steps. She began seeing a counselor, she was
getting good sleep at night. She knew all the things
(04:22):
to do. Hey, y'all, I do a lot to make
sure that I maintain my mental health. And the most
important thing that I did is talk to a counselor.
I take time at the end of every single day
to just decompress. I unplug, I shut my phone off.
I don't answer messages. I just sit and watch my
favorite movie. Chesley had the ability to deflect. So if
(04:47):
you said to Chesley, Chesley, how are you doing, She's
saying I'm fine, how are you, Yes, And we would
just talk about you and what you've got going on.
And I think for so many that's why they feel
like they we're best friends with Chesley, because she was
so intent on talking about them, not her. At what
age did you start noticing symptoms. She was in the
(05:11):
early twenties, just before that first attempt. That was the
first time I noticed smiles were a little forced, and
I thought, honestly, maybe it's just stressed me she was
in getting two degrees, and then the attempt happened, and
we had conversations that we really hadn't had before, and
(05:32):
I just really felt like she was doing all the
right things. And the morning of her passing, Chesley left
a note in her apartment, but very simple, just said
she wanted to leave everything to me. UM. Sunday mornings,
Chesley knows I go to work out at my exercise class.
(05:54):
I was leaving my class. I was going to call
her on my way home, and I looked at my phone.
I noticed there was a text message from her. UM,
and I'll just read a little bit of festibure UM.
The first thing she said is, first, I'm sorry. By
(06:14):
the time you get this, I won't be alive anymore.
And it makes me even more sad to write this
because I know it will hurt you the most, I
think at that point, and you're blacked out because by
the time I read the text an hour had passed.
I don't even remember step by step what happened. I
(06:35):
do remember at some point I was calling my husband screaming,
and he's saying, what what I got home? And we're
just trying to figure out what to do. I had
not read the rest of her message, and I just couldn't.
But when I scrolled it, I could tell that it
was long, and I thought, this is not good. Her
message went on to say, I love you, mom, and
(06:59):
you are best friend and the person I've lived for
for years. I wish I could stay with you, but
I cannot bear the crushing weight of persistent sadness, hopelessness,
and loneliness any longer. I've never told you these feelings
because I've never wanted you to worry, and because I
hoped they would eventually change, but I know they never will.
(07:23):
They follow me through every accomplishment, success, family gathering, friendly dinner.
I cry almost every day now, like I'm in mourning.
I've wished for death for years, and I know you
would want to know and want to help, but I
haven't wanted to share this weight with anyone. Regardless of that,
(07:48):
Thank you sincerely for being there for me and some
of my loneliest moments without me even telling you I
needed you. You have kept me alive and ready to
face another day because as you answer every phone call
and you're there for me at the drop of a hat,
you listen to me and care when I tell you
what goes on in my life. And you've always made
(08:10):
me feel like you love me. I love you more
than any person I've ever known. You've done nothing wrong,
You've done everything right. I no longer feel like I
have any purpose in life. I don't know if I
ever really did. And some things I'm just I'm gonna
skip just because they're just a little more. And she
(08:35):
also left in here her final wishes um which we
are carrying out. She left us access to some of
her personal things. She says, I've pushed away most of
my friends, and I can't fix any of that, no
matter how hard I've tried. So I will leave and
rejoin God in heaven and hope to find peace there.
(08:59):
I don't want to leave, but genuinely feel like I
have to if I want to escape my loneliness that
feels like it has no end. I fought against depression
for a long time, but it's one this time around.
There aren't enough words in the world to describe my
love and appreciation for you. You are the perfect mom,
(09:19):
and I will love you forever, even in death. Feel
free to share this message. People should know that you're
the best mom in the world, and that you were
the best mom to me that I ever could have
hoped for. It took me a while to read that.
All the way through. I would read some sentences and
(09:41):
then I just would collapse. But after I really absorbed it,
I became thankful, thankful that I had her for thirty
incredible years that I got to watch her. I think
she knew that I would need those words moving forward
to just bring comfort a movie. When was the last
(10:02):
time you saw Chesley? Every other year we take all
the kids down to Universal Studios and we were there
in January. We rode ride together, we laughed together. That
was the last time I hugged her. How did January
thirty unfold for you? Oh? And honestly, it felt like
(10:26):
any other day. And what I struggle with is I
hear some people sometimes say I had this feeling. Something
was kept surging through my brain after the fact, like,
was there a moment when I had this feeling I
should call Chesley? I need to um. I remember when
I finally made it home and got to my husband,
who was trying to understand what I was saying. So
(10:49):
that was when we reached out to the police. Like,
we got this message, get paramedic there. So immediately I'm thinking, Okay,
this must be like the first attempt. Let's get on
a plane, get up there, meet her at the hospital.
Let's see what we can do. We're texting the family, UM,
we don't live in New York. We made it to
the airport. We got on the plane, which is now taxing,
(11:13):
when the police confirmed that she was no longer with us,
and I don't remember the plane ride. I remember hearing
my husband sobbing. We got to New York. We got
into the hotel room and we were just both on
the floor. I called my closest girlfriend, UM, who knew
Chesley very well. I couldn't even say the words daven
(11:34):
and I didn't like. We literally didn't know what to do,
and we went outside to get some fresh air. I
remember just sobbing on the sidewalk. I just couldn't move
my body anymore. I don't remember anything. All I know
is we had to bring my baby home and and
then plan her funeral. When I got home, our family
(11:54):
was already huddled together at my daughter's place. I walked
through the door and just collapsed in my son's arms.
I couldn't remember how to breathe. It was so hard, Honestly, Willow,
Jada and Gammy feeling the way I felt, and watching
my children here, it's almost like I'm bleeding, but I
(12:17):
need to do triage with my children. They still need
their mommy, but mommy is hurting. And the struggle between
trying to take care of me but take care of
my people, that was what we're seeing. My son's just
everyone just weeping. Our family grew tighter, yeah, absolutely, and
(12:40):
now we've had to start working hard to protect her legacy.
People aren't kind sometimes to those mental challenges, and Chesley
knew that she would feel pain when people she trusted
would betray her trust. That would hurt her, and she
would carry that ul she and quite let it go.
(13:01):
And so I do hope that opening up these discussions
and just talking about where Chesley was or state of
mind at that time hopefully encourage people to be kinder.
You just never know what burns people are carrying exactly.
You know, depression is not always marked by someone laying
in bad or unable to do things. And you know
(13:22):
there are people who are high functioning who can get
through the day because they wear the face, and we
all are taught to wear that face, and Chesley wore
the face. Chesley's family says she struggled with high functioning depression.
High functioning depression is a descriptor we use to help
us better understand people who may be dealing with depression,
(13:45):
but who don't present is if they're dealing with depression.
These folks go to work or school, they can have
engaging conversations with family, friends and loved ones. They do
all the things that everyone else can do, but behind
closed doors, they're really dealing with what it means is
to have a depressive illness. She had the smile. She
(14:05):
laughed a laugh that was infectious. Honestly, when something made
her really smile from the gut, her laugh came out.
And she took a trip with Mike Johnson last year
and he posted on his Instagram a video of her
laughing it feels great. And I told him I was
(14:31):
going to go back and visit that many times. And
she had that, but it did not remove the depression. Honestly,
I firmly believe the voice you hear the most is
your own right. And she would talk sometimes about what
her voices were telling her, and so all of the
accolades and her accomplishments, of all these things she did,
(14:53):
I think builds a false narrative that those things should
make her happy. But in the end, what is she
saying in her own mind? The letter that she wrote
for a Laura magazine was powerful. Days after turning thirty,
Chesley wrote an essay for Lower magazine. Two years earlier,
she was crowned the oldest Miss USA in history. What
(15:15):
many saw is a proud accomplishment, others used as an
opportunity to bully and mocker age. The article was a
stark example of the relentless pressure Chesley was feeling and
the monumental weight of this milestone birthday. She wrote, Tourney
thirty feels like a cold reminder that I'm running out
of time to matter in society's eyes, and it's infuriating.
(15:42):
I do think that there are some messages in there.
Her issue was for women when you turned thirty, somehow
you get discounted. For some reason, women over thirty who
are single and you are accomplished, you are somehow told
that you won't have relationships, that the chances of you
(16:03):
marrying or being relevant or slim, and I think she
was speaking a lot more to those things about turning thirty.
But I think it did show some of the things
that absolutely that she was thinking through in her mind,
which are so true, you know, like how the world
(16:24):
idolizes youth. You know. Chesley never really struggled that much
with body image, but I think when she came under
attack after she wont to miss USA, I think it
blindsided her a little bit. She was a hiptathlete and
when she was running track she was very strong. Her
(16:47):
body looked completely different because she was both with muscle
than when she was no longer on the track team
or body slim back down, but the muscle was still there.
She was proud of that. So to receive the message
she received after she wont, I think that took her
by surprise. I think that's when she began to learn
how to deal with internaturals because they don't know me right.
(17:09):
Jesse Lee's bonus dad, David, has been in her life
since she was twelve and he's joining us. Hi, David, welcome,
Thank you. What was it important for you to be
here today? We didn't want to have an interview that
was like a sound bite. There's been speculation about what happened,
and we've had to see things posted that are just
(17:31):
not true. You know, she was an attorney for a while.
There was some speculation that we were trying to push
her back into law, even up until a few weeks
before she passed. Like I was texting her saying, here's
how many hours I've built this this month, and how
happy I was for her that she would never have
to do that ag right. I was always saying, you're
having probably more impact in your current role than you
(17:53):
would going back to law. And when I saw that,
I just thought, people don't really, they don't know. Last
Father's Day justly made a video about you. This one's
for the dads. Today is a special day to show
appreciation to all the fathers and father figures who have
made our lives special. My stepdad inspired me to do
(18:16):
prog work. He held a Bible for me when I
was storn in as an attorney in North Carolina, and
he's a fellow South Carolina game Pock joined me and
wishing a happy Father's Day to all the loving carrying
the supported dads out there. Yeah. I had just gone
up to your last June to hang out with her
in New York, and she was a great tour guide.
(18:38):
I mean we were Central Park, Conservatory Garden, the met
Medicine Square, apart Brooklyn Bridge, Statue of Liberty. I mean
we did the whole thing right. I mean, I knew
then that that was going to be like one of
the best days of my life. I was up there
recently when we were getting her apartment pack. I think
(18:59):
A kind of feels her presence when she's around Chesly's things,
but I feel her presence when I'm into that city
she passed. I had kind of latched onto a couple
of Adele songs, and I had a moment when I
was up there by myself. I went down and ate
at a pizza place in Little Italy that we had
eaten at, and then I went and visit her favorite
(19:21):
cupcake shop and soho, and there was a street singer
singing one of these Adele songs. I was really emotional
and I sat there, Oh, man, he was such a
good singer. He said, you know, I'm going to take
a break for a minute, and I thought to myself, man,
I'm sure I wish he would sing that other song.
And God walks up to him, says something to him,
(19:41):
and he says, I've got another request or another Adele song,
and he sing that song. That was like a moment
for me where I knew, like she's with us, and
like I could feel it, and I don't really care
what anybody else believes. I just was so thankful to
have that. Yeah, can you tell us some of the
(20:02):
methods of just healing as a family. One of the
first things we did as a family was talked to psychiatrists.
We have talked to a brief counselor as a family,
which I think is so important. How old are your
other children. My oldest daughter is thirty three, My oldest
(20:23):
son will be twenty nine in May, My second oldest
will be twenty five in May, and then we have
a thirteen and fourteen year old. Chesley and our older
siblings were very close. Last year. They were all together
and each of them had a gold bracelet that was
kind of sealed on their wrists to represent their bond,
(20:44):
and they agreed differently for Chesley than our younger too.
By the time they were born, Chesley was out of
the house and so she was a favorite because she
would come visit. But the bond wasn't the same, and
so after she had passed, the older ones were grieving differently.
Then the younger too. Just a couple of days after
(21:05):
she had a few days after. I'm in New York
right and we're trying to get chesly home and going
through that process is difficult. That my youngest son called me.
He never calls me, right, I mean, he texts me.
He called him like dad, because they hadn't been going
to school, and the rule is if you don't go
to school, you can't play in the school basketball game.
(21:27):
And so he was like, Dad, can I play in
the game? And at first I was I was offended, like,
you know, how dare you? Like your sister just passed away?
And I just I was so thankful. Rather than responding
in that way, I just thought, we're all going through
this differently. And it's like, if that's what he needed,
was a taste of normalcy at that moment where everything
(21:48):
is chaotic, yeah, then we're going to let him have
him have it. You know, people usually have a really
difficult time and knowing what to do, what to say,
What have you found to be helpful or comforting. I
told my assistant to please reach out to my coworkers
(22:08):
and when I show up, I need a little bit
of an oasis for my grief and to please just
tell them to say we're glad you're here, and it's
beautiful so much to me. It's hard sometimes to have
almost a line of people who are you know, paying
condolences and telling me about Chesley. But seeing smiling faces
(22:31):
helps helps so much to hear. Yeah, thank you for that.
That's really good to hear. Yeah. There are some people
who would just text or and just say there are
no words, I'm here. Yeah, that was all. I want
to make sure that you talk about everything that's important
(22:51):
to you. So is there anything else that you want
to share. I think one thing that I would like
to see laid to rest is this theory that chas
Lee was murdered in this call for people to get
the police involved. I know that my daughter died by suicide,
and it's painful to hear people constantly contradicting what we
(23:13):
absolutely know. I hope that those who want to continue
to muddy her passing was something that just is false
will stop and let our family heal. I don't want
to lose sight of the fact to you that that
her dad is involved in her life. I think one
of the things I admire most about him is he's
always been a big encourager of them with their dreams,
(23:35):
and so I want to make sure to acknowledge him
and recognize him today. His name Rodney, Christney, Rodney. Yeah,
thank you for that day. Yeah, that's important. Yeah, Chesley
loved her dad. Yeah, she loved her Dawn. Yeah, so
thank you. Yeah. I think every parent you have these thoughts.
Sometimes it was fear of, like I love losing your child.
(23:58):
Things just part of the deal. I would always kind
of focus on what would happen immediate aftermath. But for me,
I think the toughest part, and sometimes maybe I think
you two, is this thought that you know, we might
live another forty more years without her, you know, fifty
years or I don't know, you know, however long it's
going to be, because we take good care of herself
(24:22):
here and now is tough, But it's just this thought,
am I not going to remember her ten years from
now like I remember her now, you know? Or my
memory is going to fade? And that is one of
the toughest things to think about. Yeah, I'm so glad
that she loved the camera. We got plenty of videos. Yeah,
(24:49):
it's hard balancing the grief and gratitude. Yeah, I think
I'm more on the grief side of the seesaw right now.
But I'm so grateful that I got to be part
of her life, you know, when she had to be
part of mine. You know. I'll just tell you when
I was a young woman in my early twenties, I
lost a very close girlfriend, similarly the way that you
(25:10):
lost your daughter. I will say that the memories may
not stay burned in your mind, but the thing that
never leaves is the love you never ever, ever, ever
ever leaves. And I had to learn through a lot
(25:32):
of my own grief counseling that I didn't have to
hold on the grief to remember the people that I loved. Yeah,
I've learned and releasing grief that I've actually been able
to be much closer yeah, to those that I've lost. Interesting,
because I felt like a lot of times like if
the sadder I am the closer, I am, like I'm
(25:55):
holding on to that memory and if I don't stay there,
then you lose her. And I promise you that's not true.
I wish somebody had told me that and this has
been gifts to me. To hear about the beauty of
your child, to meet you both, to have you share
(26:16):
your story. Thank thank you, thank you. I appreciate this
opportunity so much. Thank you. I think a lot of
people will benefits. Yeah. Thanks to join the red Table
Talk family and become a part of the conversation. Follow
us at facebook dot com slash red table talk. Thanks
(26:38):
for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast
produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.
Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the
Facebook Watch show in Audio produced by Westbrook Audio and
I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review
on Apple Podcasts. When the devastating news broke about the
beautiful and brilliant Miss Usa, millions were stunned. Miss USA
(00:26):
is North Carolina in Chesley christ was crowned Miss USA.
From the outside, her life looked like a fairy tale.
Chesley was gorgeous, gifted, and good at everything. She was
this joyful, beautiful woman who just had this energy about
(00:51):
her that drew people in. She made me want to
be a better woman. She excelled in school, earning three
college diplomas, including an NBA in a law degree. At
the same time, she was at Division one Track and
Field Star. A loving daughter, devoted to her faith and
passionately stood up for what she believed in. We got
to work together on Miss Universe. Chesty at the world
(01:13):
at her feet would have bright, vivacious, wonderful person Alright, guys,
I am headed in to interview Allen Richson, who is
stepping into some pretty legendary hues. Those of time proves
over this is a transformational tour. She had a dream
job as an Emmy nominated correspondent for Extra. Well, you're
looking incredible, you were savage. Thank you's all cute and
(01:36):
and okay, that's not all right, harb. But Na, what
many didn't know is underneath it all, Chesley was reeling
from debilitating depression. Wow. On January thirty, for this year,
jestly jumped to her death from her twenty ninth floor
(01:57):
balcony for the first time. And we're hearing from Chestle's mom,
April Simpkins, Welcome. You don't think I'm really happy to
have you here. It's good to be here. It's healing
for me to talk about Chesley. Yeah, so thank you,
deepest sympathies and loss. Yeah. As a mother, I just
(02:22):
I can't imagine. I never thought I would be here.
She truly was my best friend. She was the first
person I talked to and I woke up. We would
literally just go about our morning, face timing each other.
She'd be putting on her makeup, I'll be getting myself
ready at my desk. How's your day, what's going on?
So did not have that makes mornings awful for me.
(02:47):
But I don't know that I'm going to get over
the grief. I'm trying to accept that grief and I
are going to do life together. Can you tell us
about her personality? I have six children and Chesli second
in line. There was always something incredible about Chesley. Her
intelligence was there from birth, honestly, and a lot of
her achievements didn't really surprise our family. She always sought
(03:13):
to do better, to learn more. She was always speaking
on behalf of her siblings and the way she would
call me up and negotiate their punishment. She started that
speaking for others at a young age. I think was
shocked so many people. Is when you see her on television,
when you see her on Instagram, TikTok, I don't know
(03:36):
about you. She's smiling, she's bubbly, And that was Chesley.
But Chesli was also battling depression, which she hid. Did
you see any preliminary signs or I did I need?
Chesli was suffering from depression. I didn't know the severity
of it. This was not her first suicide attempt. She
(03:59):
had attempted to aside before, and it was after that
first attempt that she and I grew very close, and
I wanted her to feel comfortable calling me. If ever
you're in crisis, call me. And she began taking all
the right steps. She began seeing a counselor, she was
getting good sleep at night. She knew all the things
(04:22):
to do. Hey, y'all, I do a lot to make
sure that I maintain my mental health. And the most
important thing that I did is talk to a counselor.
I take time at the end of every single day
to just decompress. I unplug, I shut my phone off.
I don't answer messages. I just sit and watch my
favorite movie. Chesley had the ability to deflect. So if
(04:47):
you said to Chesley, Chesley, how are you doing, She's
saying I'm fine, how are you, Yes, And we would
just talk about you and what you've got going on.
And I think for so many that's why they feel
like they we're best friends with Chesley, because she was
so intent on talking about them, not her. At what
age did you start noticing symptoms. She was in the
(05:11):
early twenties, just before that first attempt. That was the
first time I noticed smiles were a little forced, and
I thought, honestly, maybe it's just stressed me she was
in getting two degrees, and then the attempt happened, and
we had conversations that we really hadn't had before, and
(05:32):
I just really felt like she was doing all the
right things. And the morning of her passing, Chesley left
a note in her apartment, but very simple, just said
she wanted to leave everything to me. UM. Sunday mornings,
Chesley knows I go to work out at my exercise class.
(05:54):
I was leaving my class. I was going to call
her on my way home, and I looked at my phone.
I noticed there was a text message from her. UM,
and I'll just read a little bit of festibure UM.
The first thing she said is, first, I'm sorry. By
(06:14):
the time you get this, I won't be alive anymore.
And it makes me even more sad to write this
because I know it will hurt you the most, I
think at that point, and you're blacked out because by
the time I read the text an hour had passed.
I don't even remember step by step what happened. I
(06:35):
do remember at some point I was calling my husband screaming,
and he's saying, what what I got home? And we're
just trying to figure out what to do. I had
not read the rest of her message, and I just couldn't.
But when I scrolled it, I could tell that it
was long, and I thought, this is not good. Her
message went on to say, I love you, mom, and
(06:59):
you are best friend and the person I've lived for
for years. I wish I could stay with you, but
I cannot bear the crushing weight of persistent sadness, hopelessness,
and loneliness any longer. I've never told you these feelings
because I've never wanted you to worry, and because I
hoped they would eventually change, but I know they never will.
(07:23):
They follow me through every accomplishment, success, family gathering, friendly dinner.
I cry almost every day now, like I'm in mourning.
I've wished for death for years, and I know you
would want to know and want to help, but I
haven't wanted to share this weight with anyone. Regardless of that,
(07:48):
Thank you sincerely for being there for me and some
of my loneliest moments without me even telling you I
needed you. You have kept me alive and ready to
face another day because as you answer every phone call
and you're there for me at the drop of a hat,
you listen to me and care when I tell you
what goes on in my life. And you've always made
(08:10):
me feel like you love me. I love you more
than any person I've ever known. You've done nothing wrong,
You've done everything right. I no longer feel like I
have any purpose in life. I don't know if I
ever really did. And some things I'm just I'm gonna
skip just because they're just a little more. And she
(08:35):
also left in here her final wishes um which we
are carrying out. She left us access to some of
her personal things. She says, I've pushed away most of
my friends, and I can't fix any of that, no
matter how hard I've tried. So I will leave and
rejoin God in heaven and hope to find peace there.
(08:59):
I don't want to leave, but genuinely feel like I
have to if I want to escape my loneliness that
feels like it has no end. I fought against depression
for a long time, but it's one this time around.
There aren't enough words in the world to describe my
love and appreciation for you. You are the perfect mom,
(09:19):
and I will love you forever, even in death. Feel
free to share this message. People should know that you're
the best mom in the world, and that you were
the best mom to me that I ever could have
hoped for. It took me a while to read that.
All the way through. I would read some sentences and
(09:41):
then I just would collapse. But after I really absorbed it,
I became thankful, thankful that I had her for thirty
incredible years that I got to watch her. I think
she knew that I would need those words moving forward
to just bring comfort a movie. When was the last
(10:02):
time you saw Chesley? Every other year we take all
the kids down to Universal Studios and we were there
in January. We rode ride together, we laughed together. That
was the last time I hugged her. How did January
thirty unfold for you? Oh? And honestly, it felt like
(10:26):
any other day. And what I struggle with is I
hear some people sometimes say I had this feeling. Something
was kept surging through my brain after the fact, like,
was there a moment when I had this feeling I
should call Chesley? I need to um. I remember when
I finally made it home and got to my husband,
who was trying to understand what I was saying. So
(10:49):
that was when we reached out to the police. Like,
we got this message, get paramedic there. So immediately I'm thinking, Okay,
this must be like the first attempt. Let's get on
a plane, get up there, meet her at the hospital.
Let's see what we can do. We're texting the family, UM,
we don't live in New York. We made it to
the airport. We got on the plane, which is now taxing,
(11:13):
when the police confirmed that she was no longer with us,
and I don't remember the plane ride. I remember hearing
my husband sobbing. We got to New York. We got
into the hotel room and we were just both on
the floor. I called my closest girlfriend, UM, who knew
Chesley very well. I couldn't even say the words daven
(11:34):
and I didn't like. We literally didn't know what to do,
and we went outside to get some fresh air. I
remember just sobbing on the sidewalk. I just couldn't move
my body anymore. I don't remember anything. All I know
is we had to bring my baby home and and
then plan her funeral. When I got home, our family
(11:54):
was already huddled together at my daughter's place. I walked
through the door and just collapsed in my son's arms.
I couldn't remember how to breathe. It was so hard, Honestly, Willow,
Jada and Gammy feeling the way I felt, and watching
my children here, it's almost like I'm bleeding, but I
(12:17):
need to do triage with my children. They still need
their mommy, but mommy is hurting. And the struggle between
trying to take care of me but take care of
my people, that was what we're seeing. My son's just
everyone just weeping. Our family grew tighter, yeah, absolutely, and
(12:40):
now we've had to start working hard to protect her legacy.
People aren't kind sometimes to those mental challenges, and Chesley
knew that she would feel pain when people she trusted
would betray her trust. That would hurt her, and she
would carry that ul she and quite let it go.
(13:01):
And so I do hope that opening up these discussions
and just talking about where Chesley was or state of
mind at that time hopefully encourage people to be kinder.
You just never know what burns people are carrying exactly.
You know, depression is not always marked by someone laying
in bad or unable to do things. And you know
(13:22):
there are people who are high functioning who can get
through the day because they wear the face, and we
all are taught to wear that face, and Chesley wore
the face. Chesley's family says she struggled with high functioning depression.
High functioning depression is a descriptor we use to help
us better understand people who may be dealing with depression,
(13:45):
but who don't present is if they're dealing with depression.
These folks go to work or school, they can have
engaging conversations with family, friends and loved ones. They do
all the things that everyone else can do, but behind
closed doors, they're really dealing with what it means is
to have a depressive illness. She had the smile. She
(14:05):
laughed a laugh that was infectious. Honestly, when something made
her really smile from the gut, her laugh came out.
And she took a trip with Mike Johnson last year
and he posted on his Instagram a video of her
laughing it feels great. And I told him I was
(14:31):
going to go back and visit that many times. And
she had that, but it did not remove the depression. Honestly,
I firmly believe the voice you hear the most is
your own right. And she would talk sometimes about what
her voices were telling her, and so all of the
accolades and her accomplishments, of all these things she did,
(14:53):
I think builds a false narrative that those things should
make her happy. But in the end, what is she
saying in her own mind? The letter that she wrote
for a Laura magazine was powerful. Days after turning thirty,
Chesley wrote an essay for Lower magazine. Two years earlier,
she was crowned the oldest Miss USA in history. What
(15:15):
many saw is a proud accomplishment, others used as an
opportunity to bully and mocker age. The article was a
stark example of the relentless pressure Chesley was feeling and
the monumental weight of this milestone birthday. She wrote, Tourney
thirty feels like a cold reminder that I'm running out
of time to matter in society's eyes, and it's infuriating.
(15:42):
I do think that there are some messages in there.
Her issue was for women when you turned thirty, somehow
you get discounted. For some reason, women over thirty who
are single and you are accomplished, you are somehow told
that you won't have relationships, that the chances of you
(16:03):
marrying or being relevant or slim, and I think she
was speaking a lot more to those things about turning thirty.
But I think it did show some of the things
that absolutely that she was thinking through in her mind,
which are so true, you know, like how the world
(16:24):
idolizes youth. You know. Chesley never really struggled that much
with body image, but I think when she came under
attack after she wont to miss USA, I think it
blindsided her a little bit. She was a hiptathlete and
when she was running track she was very strong. Her
(16:47):
body looked completely different because she was both with muscle
than when she was no longer on the track team
or body slim back down, but the muscle was still there.
She was proud of that. So to receive the message
she received after she wont, I think that took her
by surprise. I think that's when she began to learn
how to deal with internaturals because they don't know me right.
(17:09):
Jesse Lee's bonus dad, David, has been in her life
since she was twelve and he's joining us. Hi, David, welcome,
Thank you. What was it important for you to be
here today? We didn't want to have an interview that
was like a sound bite. There's been speculation about what happened,
and we've had to see things posted that are just
(17:31):
not true. You know, she was an attorney for a while.
There was some speculation that we were trying to push
her back into law, even up until a few weeks
before she passed. Like I was texting her saying, here's
how many hours I've built this this month, and how
happy I was for her that she would never have
to do that ag right. I was always saying, you're
having probably more impact in your current role than you
(17:53):
would going back to law. And when I saw that,
I just thought, people don't really, they don't know. Last
Father's Day justly made a video about you. This one's
for the dads. Today is a special day to show
appreciation to all the fathers and father figures who have
made our lives special. My stepdad inspired me to do
(18:16):
prog work. He held a Bible for me when I
was storn in as an attorney in North Carolina, and
he's a fellow South Carolina game Pock joined me and
wishing a happy Father's Day to all the loving carrying
the supported dads out there. Yeah. I had just gone
up to your last June to hang out with her
in New York, and she was a great tour guide.
(18:38):
I mean we were Central Park, Conservatory Garden, the met
Medicine Square, apart Brooklyn Bridge, Statue of Liberty. I mean
we did the whole thing right. I mean, I knew
then that that was going to be like one of
the best days of my life. I was up there
recently when we were getting her apartment pack. I think
(18:59):
A kind of feels her presence when she's around Chesly's things,
but I feel her presence when I'm into that city
she passed. I had kind of latched onto a couple
of Adele songs, and I had a moment when I
was up there by myself. I went down and ate
at a pizza place in Little Italy that we had
eaten at, and then I went and visit her favorite
(19:21):
cupcake shop and soho, and there was a street singer
singing one of these Adele songs. I was really emotional
and I sat there, Oh, man, he was such a
good singer. He said, you know, I'm going to take
a break for a minute, and I thought to myself, man,
I'm sure I wish he would sing that other song.
And God walks up to him, says something to him,
(19:41):
and he says, I've got another request or another Adele song,
and he sing that song. That was like a moment
for me where I knew, like she's with us, and
like I could feel it, and I don't really care
what anybody else believes. I just was so thankful to
have that. Yeah, can you tell us some of the
(20:02):
methods of just healing as a family. One of the
first things we did as a family was talked to psychiatrists.
We have talked to a brief counselor as a family,
which I think is so important. How old are your
other children. My oldest daughter is thirty three, My oldest
(20:23):
son will be twenty nine in May, My second oldest
will be twenty five in May, and then we have
a thirteen and fourteen year old. Chesley and our older
siblings were very close. Last year. They were all together
and each of them had a gold bracelet that was
kind of sealed on their wrists to represent their bond,
(20:44):
and they agreed differently for Chesley than our younger too.
By the time they were born, Chesley was out of
the house and so she was a favorite because she
would come visit. But the bond wasn't the same, and
so after she had passed, the older ones were grieving differently.
Then the younger too. Just a couple of days after
(21:05):
she had a few days after. I'm in New York
right and we're trying to get chesly home and going
through that process is difficult. That my youngest son called me.
He never calls me, right, I mean, he texts me.
He called him like dad, because they hadn't been going
to school, and the rule is if you don't go
to school, you can't play in the school basketball game.
(21:27):
And so he was like, Dad, can I play in
the game? And at first I was I was offended, like,
you know, how dare you? Like your sister just passed away?
And I just I was so thankful. Rather than responding
in that way, I just thought, we're all going through
this differently. And it's like, if that's what he needed,
was a taste of normalcy at that moment where everything
(21:48):
is chaotic, yeah, then we're going to let him have
him have it. You know, people usually have a really
difficult time and knowing what to do, what to say,
What have you found to be helpful or comforting. I
told my assistant to please reach out to my coworkers
(22:08):
and when I show up, I need a little bit
of an oasis for my grief and to please just
tell them to say we're glad you're here, and it's
beautiful so much to me. It's hard sometimes to have
almost a line of people who are you know, paying
condolences and telling me about Chesley. But seeing smiling faces
(22:31):
helps helps so much to hear. Yeah, thank you for that.
That's really good to hear. Yeah. There are some people
who would just text or and just say there are
no words, I'm here. Yeah, that was all. I want
to make sure that you talk about everything that's important
(22:51):
to you. So is there anything else that you want
to share. I think one thing that I would like
to see laid to rest is this theory that chas
Lee was murdered in this call for people to get
the police involved. I know that my daughter died by suicide,
and it's painful to hear people constantly contradicting what we
(23:13):
absolutely know. I hope that those who want to continue
to muddy her passing was something that just is false
will stop and let our family heal. I don't want
to lose sight of the fact to you that that
her dad is involved in her life. I think one
of the things I admire most about him is he's
always been a big encourager of them with their dreams,
(23:35):
and so I want to make sure to acknowledge him
and recognize him today. His name Rodney, Christney, Rodney. Yeah,
thank you for that day. Yeah, that's important. Yeah, Chesley
loved her dad. Yeah, she loved her Dawn. Yeah, so
thank you. Yeah. I think every parent you have these thoughts.
Sometimes it was fear of, like I love losing your child.
(23:58):
Things just part of the deal. I would always kind
of focus on what would happen immediate aftermath. But for me,
I think the toughest part, and sometimes maybe I think
you two, is this thought that you know, we might
live another forty more years without her, you know, fifty
years or I don't know, you know, however long it's
going to be, because we take good care of herself
(24:22):
here and now is tough, But it's just this thought,
am I not going to remember her ten years from
now like I remember her now, you know? Or my
memory is going to fade? And that is one of
the toughest things to think about. Yeah, I'm so glad
that she loved the camera. We got plenty of videos. Yeah,
(24:49):
it's hard balancing the grief and gratitude. Yeah, I think
I'm more on the grief side of the seesaw right now.
But I'm so grateful that I got to be part
of her life, you know, when she had to be
part of mine. You know. I'll just tell you when
I was a young woman in my early twenties, I
lost a very close girlfriend, similarly the way that you
(25:10):
lost your daughter. I will say that the memories may
not stay burned in your mind, but the thing that
never leaves is the love you never ever, ever, ever
ever leaves. And I had to learn through a lot
(25:32):
of my own grief counseling that I didn't have to
hold on the grief to remember the people that I loved. Yeah,
I've learned and releasing grief that I've actually been able
to be much closer yeah, to those that I've lost. Interesting,
because I felt like a lot of times like if
the sadder I am the closer, I am, like I'm
(25:55):
holding on to that memory and if I don't stay there,
then you lose her. And I promise you that's not true.
I wish somebody had told me that and this has
been gifts to me. To hear about the beauty of
your child, to meet you both, to have you share
(26:16):
your story. Thank thank you, thank you. I appreciate this
opportunity so much. Thank you. I think a lot of
people will benefits. Yeah. Thanks to join the red Table
Talk family and become a part of the conversation. Follow
us at facebook dot com slash red table talk. Thanks
(26:38):
for listening to this episode of Red Table Talk podcast
produced by Facebook, Watch, Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.
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