August 28, 2024 • 39 mins
As an Emmy-winning reporter on the hugely popular ABC7 in New York City, Darla Miles is no stranger to talking to individuals about some of their lowest lows, and their highest highs. But while she acts as a voice for so many across New York, her own story - one of deep personal loss after losing her husband and multiple pregnancies - is rarely in the spotlight. That’s why this episode is so incredibly special. On this Candid Convo, of She Pivots, Darla shares why she felt compelled to bring Black voices to the television; her unconventional path to becoming a reporter; the loss of her husband when she was only 41; her complicated and challenging fertility journey; and why she still has hope to this day.
She Pivots was created by host Emily Tisch Sussman to highlight women, their stories, and how their pivot became their success. To learn more about Darla, follow us on Instagram @ShePivotsThePodcast or visit shepivotsthepodcast.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to she Pivots. I'm Darla Miles. Welcome back
to she Pivots. I'm your host, Emily Tish Sussman. Let's
jump right in. Welcome back to she Pivots. For today's
(00:21):
candidate convo. I'm delighted to have on Darla Miles, an
Emmy winning reporter at ABC seven, the number one local
news station in the country. Darla's story caught my eye
last year after Essence wrote an article about her. It
was titled After three miscarriages and losing her husband, Journalist
(00:43):
Darla Miles isn't giving up on being a mother. And
as someone who has people close to me who have
struggled with fertility and loss, I know how important hearing
stories like Darla's is. Despite her unimaginable challenges, including three miscarriage,
is bad medical advice around fertility, and the sudden passing
(01:04):
of her husband shortly after her third miscarriage, Darla has
remained determined in her dream of becoming a mother. She
candidly shares her journey through grief the complexities of fertility
and her unwavering hope to one day have a family.
I love how she is challenging how we think about
the traditional timeline of life and chasing her dreams. I'm
(01:27):
so grateful for how she opens up about these experiences
and how they've shaped her both professionally and personally. This
episode contains references to topics that may be sensitive to some.
Listen with care.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I'm Darla Miles. I'm a news reporter WABCTV in New
York City, the number one station in the country.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Okay, so we're going to back up. Tell us a
little bit about your family when you were growing up.
You've now mentioned a couple times that you're Southern, Like,
has that really shaped the way?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
That really shaped you? Absolutely? Absolutely so. I grew up
in Fort Worth, Texas. I'm the youngest of four divorced parents.
My mother is an interior designer. My father Coach Miles, biochemist,
science teacher Army Veteran well known in this You know,
I couldn't get a date because I was Coach Miles's daughter,
(02:18):
because he was so strict.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Like that was my dad.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I can to Morgan Freeman on LINO me but maybe
not that harsh, but very close to it. So the
grounding mantra in my life is something that I learned
from my father and my whole family is treat people
the way you'd like to be treated. And that's just
really the baseline of everything I do in life. The
way I talk with you, the way I speak with
someone who's providing a service at the grocery store, at
(02:43):
the bodega, someone who was experiencing like the worst day
of their life, which is usually when I meet people.
So I just try to treat people the way I'd
like to be treated. And I don't meet a stranger.
I get that from my father, like I could talk
to a rock, I mean on my headstone as Darla
never met a stranger. So that does help me a
lot in my career. And I just have an infinite curiosity.
(03:04):
I'm a lifelong learner and I just am fascinated that
I get to learn something absolutely new and become an
expert in it every single day.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
What did you think you were going to be when
you grew up? I knew I was going to be
a reporter.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
I did.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I did well, Okay, So there's a whole thought process,
the methodology, right, So I knew I wanted to do
something something related to the social justice and black Americans,
like I knew I wanted to impact. Underserved was not
a word, obviously, it was not a term growing up
in the eighties and nineties, but I knew I wanted
to have some type of social impact on my culture.
(03:40):
So I remember in high school, I wanted to become
a lawyer. I just I love the legal system, la law,
all of that. I used to watch Law and Order
with my father every single episode, like that was our thing,
you know, law and Order. So I just I've always
been intrigued by government, by the legal system. At one point,
I wanted to be apologician, and I really had like
(04:01):
a forensic analysis in my head, so I said, And
as I was just in the process of self discovery
tenth in eleventh grade, I was in youth and government
in high school and whatever.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
I can't remember all, you know, but I did.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
A lot of the you know, the school courts, and
it could be to him the same thing.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
I have no idea what it's called.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
But I did a lot of the extracurricular activities involving
government and the law. So I thought, I was like,
can I want to be I want to be a
public defender, or maybe I'll be a prosecutor, and then
I just thought I just kind of like really examined
the career and I said, it's going to be like
emptying out the ocean with the teaspoone, Like how much
impact will I have if I am going to deal
(04:41):
with every case on such a small scale. So then
I thought about becoming a politician, and that just didn't
appeal to me. I'm don't really have a big filter.
It just I didn't think it was going to get
I thought there was going to be too many obstacles
to get to the impactful change that I wanted. And
I really realized the impact of media has on shape
being thought. And fast forward to now with my career.
(05:03):
My father always wanted me to be an educator, following
the family footsteps, and he's like, whenever you finished with
this TV thing, go get a real job and go
get your credentials and become a teacher. And at this
stage in my life, I am an educator. My classroom
was just eight point nine million people, and so I
really love bringing context to everything. So just bringing context
(05:25):
to what's happening around us, to teaching people to operate
with facts and make their own decision. That has always
been I've been passionate about and that's part of who
I am, and that's what my father brought to me.
But then also you know, images of minorities in the media.
It's different now because we still have so many different mediums,
But in the eighties and the nineties is the big
three networks. I remember when there was no cable. I
(05:46):
don't know if you remember where the cable guy would
just knock on your door and he would selling, Hey,
we're selling insurance, we're selling it. Okay, you want to
buy this gay And the cable guy would come pick
up your check every week.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
It was a whole thing.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
And so there were there weren't so many outlets back then.
And I just always remembered hearing in my community how
African Americans, black Americans were portrayed.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Why did they speak to.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
The lady with the rollers in her hair and who
was in ourtic like they do that on purpose, you
know why? They just wanted there was this overarching conspiracy
to make black Americans, African Americans look back when they
spoke to them about the new This conversation two days
ago actually with a friend of mine. So I just
really wanted to, like demystify what was happening, and there
(06:25):
was this overarching conspiracy or lack of reference to to
bring black voices, black stories to TV. Well, then I
on the seat at the table. Isn't that we're all
supposed to do with our you know, own various areas
of expertise as a woman, as a man, any underrepresented group.
That's what we do. We just bring context and understanding.
And so I didn't really approach it acrimoniously. I wasn't
(06:49):
like angry and upset. I just wanted to understand how
it works, because my scientific brain wants to understand the mechanics.
And if that's how it works, let me be part
of the solution. Because you can either complain, complain, complain,
or you can be part of the solution. So I
wanted to be part of the solution.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Yeah, so you said that you went into this because
you wanted to have impact. You wanted to be impactful,
Like what were was the problems that you were trying
to solve for by storytelling?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
So now we call it storytelling and everyone wants to
be a content creator. Just think about all the stream
of the content content storytelling, It wasn't a thing but
it was you know, now it has a title and
a name and a concerted effort now to represent unrepresented people.
It has always been a problem, but it had not
(07:39):
been identified as as it is now. And so in
my community, the news, local news, any news was and
still is considered biased against African Americans. It doesn't tell
the entire story. It's devised to make Black Americans look
bad in the world slight. Why don't they ever tell
(08:01):
positive stories? And there's there's so so much mistrust, very
much like you know, the institutionalized distrust of law enforcement.
So again, what can you do? Can you allow it
to perpetuate or can you go in and be an
agent of change? And it's no different than being an
agent of change in the realm of politics, to represent
(08:22):
those voices that have not had representation. It's no different
than being an agent of change in the medical field,
where you have you know, maternal hyper maternal mortality rates
for African Americans. So there's always an opportunity to be
an agent for change in any organization, institution, or agency
that doesn't have the diversity of voices, And sometimes they
(08:42):
just don't even know that they don't have it.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
They don't even know we have.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
There's an documentary about the history of eyewitness news, Al
Primo and the legacy of eyewitness news. And one thing
that's that people don't understand about news is that it
used to just be a white male at a table
delivering copy and whatever someone wrote for them. But eyewitness news,
the reason why we're legendaries, were like, no, we're going
to go out into the field and we're going to
talk to people about what they're experiencing it as they
(09:07):
experienced it. John Johnson the first black man reporter, black
men reporter on the streets of New York City, bringing
you the news as it happened. Heraldo Rivera, the first
Hispanic reporter on the So there's always an opportunity to
be an agent for change, and that's what I am.
I'm in the field. I'm talking to people experiencing life
as they experience it, and it's my duty and it's
(09:28):
an honor. And so I am the voice. I am
the vehicle for their voice. And so that was the
change that I sought to be in this industry.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Do you remember the first story that you put together.
Was it when you were still in college or did
you have to wait to graduate.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I'm going to tell you I took the completely unconventional
route to become a reporter. First of all, I was
an English major. I took one communications class at Clark
Atlanta University because we are part of this consortium in
Atlanta so I can take classes, and I studied abroad
in Madrid. That was my first internship. Actually, I had
an internship in radio at Clarke Atlanta University WCLK Radio
ninety one point nine, jazz radio, and I think I
(10:06):
read psays, so I learned radio. So my start was
really in radio. I went to study broad in Spain
and then I worked for Ona Madrid Radio and my
job was to go out and interview people mos man
on the street interviews in Spanish. So then I would
go out and interview people in Spanish and then translate
it and put these mos interviews. So my first my
whole first seven years in TV was in Spanish radio
(10:28):
and TV. It was all in Spanish radio and TV
because I didn't have a background, I didn't study communications,
and I did look like the traditional journalism students, so
nobody would give me a job. But because I spoke
fluent Spanish, I got an internship at CN in Spanish
News in Atlanta, and I worked for SEEING in Spanish
Radio scene in Spanish News nineteen ninety seven we became
a twenty four hour network which is still around. Seeing
(10:50):
in in Espanol so now and I went behind the scenes.
I worked behind the scenes because I didn't really know
how TV worked. I was like, I can write, but
I don't really know how TO works. So my first
jobs were I rolled teleprompter in Spanish for two years.
I did audio. I did chirons, which are the words.
I did playback, this is all tape audio, TD switch
the show master control. I did all of those things
(11:13):
for like seven or eight years. And again, no one
would still give me an on air job in TV
because I was a technical person and you speak Spanish,
I'm never going to put you on an English speaking
TV station. And I sent out demo tapes which were horrible,
so bad, because I had not I've never I've never
written a story. I sent out tapes for three years.
I was like, I speak another language. I work at CNN.
(11:34):
I could not get an on air job. I couldn't
get a job as a reporter. I couldn't get a
job as an anchor WJBF and Augusta, Georgia two thousand
and one. Again, this is the people left messages on
your answer machine. I've been sending out tapes so long
I totally forgot. I remember I got a voicemail. I
was like, what is this man talking about? And he
was speaking very quickly. I didn't understand the message. I
(11:56):
went to Africa for two weeks with my church choir.
We went on a missionary tramission trip and I came back.
I said, let me listen to this voicemail. What was
this voicemail about. I was like, Oh, my gosh, they're
giving me a job and they want to entery.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
I forgot. I didn't answer the voicemail for like three ways.
What is happening?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So I eventually I got hired at WJBF, an ABC
affiliate in Augusta, Georgia, media General station. At the time,
they sent me out for a story and I was like, oh,
I think I have to actually do what they told
me to do.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I've never written a story in my life.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
I've never written a back and script in my life,
but I'm gonna look, this is what we do.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
We figure it.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Out and it was some kind of school story, and
I remember, I just remembered. I just needed to give
myself a lot of time. I was like, I think
this is how I've seen it done. SoundBite audio sound bite,
I guys, and back then, you know, we had the
good thing about it is it timed it out in
the computer so you could kind of see how long
it would be. And I was just I just kind
(12:57):
of like I was winging it, and I was like
this right. They're like, oh, this is a great script,
thank you very much. And so then I went and
I did my very first live shot. I have to
find that live shot because I remember the last few
words were and they need upgrades for infrastructure and improvement.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
And they were like, oh my gosh, you did such
a great job. You're such a great job.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
So some infrastructure and improvement story in Augusta, Georgia. Three
days later. Then I kind of got ahead of myself.
I was like, oh, I'm doing great. I got ahead
of myself. Three days later, I crashed. I was awful.
I was so bad on TV. It was like it
was raining. I had to hold umbrella. I didn't know
what I was I was. I just floundered. It was awful,
but thank god. The Internet was a really a new thing,
(13:38):
was in its infancy. No social media.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
We barely had.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
We didn't even have cell phones back then. We had
pagers and they gave us quarters in the news truck
and we had big maps. So you're like, okay, we
paid you, you go put the quarter. You call it
feels archaic now I don't feel like I'm that old,
but that was my first story in Augusta, Georgia, some
infrastructure and improvement story in Augusta, Georgia, a house Cools.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Do you remember going up, like I think that moment
of being down and then having to go back into
the arena, like in your case it was going back
on air, which I think I think as many people's
worst nightmare, like to bomb in public and then to
have to go right back into it. Do you remember
what you had to, like what your narrative was in
your head to get yourself back on air.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Absolutely absolutely goes back to coach Miles, the coach Tom Brady.
If you throw an interception, you got to get back
in the game. It doesn't matter if you're Tiger Woods
and you bogey, you still got to get back in
the game. So you just you don't even think about it.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Just get back.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
You just get back on the playing field. And that's
just what I did, and you just got to go harder.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
When we come back, we dive into Darla's personal life
and how she experienced some of her lowest lows and
her highest highs as she dealt with fertility complications and
death of her late husband, Brent All while at the
height of her career. More after the break, so let's
(15:05):
bring your personal life in. So your trajectory as a
reporter is going up, like you are on the increase.
What was your personal life like as your career was
building steam.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
The most momentum came when I was hired as a
reporter here in New York City. So I'd worked at
CNN for seven years, at an ABC station in Augusta,
Georgia for two years, in Raleigh, North Carolina for three years,
and then an ABC station in Dallas for three years.
I never thought I would even work in New York
and everyone wanted to work in New York City. It's
going to be hard, it's daunting, It's like the most
(15:37):
it's the funnest job I've ever had. It's my favorite
station in life at the thought I was so intimidating,
So DNT It's New York City. So when I was hired,
I came with my fiance. It was a nice, wonderful,
hallmark kind of situation. Blind date in two thousand and nine.
We met on a blind date in March. Ever since
the first day, best friends him engaged that later on
(16:01):
that year, that December, we moved here together. I always
just say, we're like George and weezy, like moving on,
no like were we moved to start a whole new
life in New York City. It was just you know,
and it was good because we were still like in
our late thirties. So I think we needed that to
kind of separate ourselves from what we had established as
our life, to build a new life together. So I
was here building my new life with my husband. We
(16:22):
just built a home. So November twenty twenty three, I
just built a home with my husband. We were pregnant.
It was my third pregnancy. We had already lost two,
and you know, that's always been my biggest I just
wanted to be if I have a family, growing up
in a big family. Just those days with my mom
at home, all the kids at the house, like I
(16:42):
just couldn't wait to be that house for all the kids.
That was November twenty twenty three. He asked me what
I wanted for my birthday. I said, I don't want anything, like,
don't get me anything, Like I'm happy, Like we're having
a child, we have a home with a white picket fans,
like we're in. Three weeks later, I lose the child
and overnight that night he has a catastrophic stroke. So
(17:03):
within twenty four hours, everything in my life changed. He
survived the stroke for a few weeks and he ultimately
passed away. And I remember my follow up from losing
the pregnancy. I remember speaking with my physician in my
thirty day follow up and I was like, yeah, by
the way, my husband died. He's like what, So you
(17:26):
know it changed my life. I was forty one, my
husband had passed away, no kids. First of all, I
covered crime and tragedy and death in New York City.
I had to take some time off because coming to
work every day I could not I couldn't do it.
I mean I was in a very deep depression, very
deep depression. My village amazing, my Spelman college, village, my
(17:52):
news village, my family, like there was literally a rotation
of someone at my house every week for the remainder
of the year. My neighbors came over, they cut my grass,
the snow, they would shovel the snow. Was I was
in a semi catatonic state. It was very hard for
me to reconcile how I could have the emotional fortitude
(18:13):
to do what I did that I'm very passionate about.
But every day is a trigger. And I went back
because my husband and I, Brent and I that we
sacrifice so much for my career. I was like, I
can't let this go because this is what this is
what we came here for, you know, this is what
my father, this is what I was built for. So
(18:34):
I went back and for years and even now like
and that was my niche before before I took that leave,
before he passed away, was you know, I would get
sentto those very difficult stories, children who were killed tragically,
parents who'd lost their children. Having that delicate treat people
the way I'd like to be treated, empathetic ear That
(18:56):
enabled me to get more yardage and have people sit
down me to tell me their story and the worst
time of their lives. But it's really impactful. And the
sad thing about it is news is new. So if
I come back to talk to you, like three days
from now, I'm sorry, it's not old. It's what's new,
and so we were trying to keep up with what's happening.
(19:18):
One of the most impactful interviews I did after I
returned after my husband passed away, and it was the
only interview this mother had given at the time, and
her children died like she was trying to hold onto
them in Staten Island during the flooding and they floated
away and drowned, and I remember just having a conversation
with her before she spoke to me, and I just,
(19:38):
you know, I just tell people my story, like I
try not to. One reason I came back is I
was like, it's very hypocritical for me to ask people
to tell me their journey and not to share mine.
That's why I've talked about my fertility journey. That's why
I've spoken about, you know, my husband. This is probably
the most I've ever talked about Brent. It's really taken
me ten years to be able to talk about it.
(20:00):
So how dare I retreat and withdraw and be have
this double standard where I would want everyone to tell
me everything that's going on in their lives and for
me not to do the same.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Yeah, you were winning Emmys at that time for your work,
like your career was at a huge high. How did
you manage that high and low between your professional and
personal life at the same time.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Well, the first thing was my constitution as a reporter
is that it's about who I'm the person I'm featuring,
not myself. So I refuse to talk about myself, and
I didn't talk about my journey and I wouldn't post
about it because I don't. I wanted to highlight other
people and that gave me a sense of accomplishment and
duty to make sure that I know elevated their stories.
(20:51):
And this is actually very funny how I manage it,
and people laugh at me. The Golden Girls, The Golden Girls.
Let me tell you, The Golden Girls has solved every
problem in life. Back in the eight and my dad
would never let me watch The Golden Girls because it
was too risky, you know, But yeah, I just I
(21:13):
mean eleven o'clock, like that's appointment TV. The Golden Girls,
like they're widows. And I remember at one point I
was like, I'm going to act like plant or I'm
going to be like you know, I just you know,
the Golden Girls like really tackled dating after becoming a widow,
just missing your missing your husband and you know, and
that's and so now I have like a whole arsenal
of like nostalgic shows that that bring me joy. So
(21:36):
through that literally and I'm not I'm not joking with you,
the Golden Girls every single night. Like I may not
be able to win a Golden Girls trivia competition, but
if you turned an episode of The Golden Girls on,
I could tell you every single line and every single response,
like I just love the Golden and my bestie and
I like it's the Golden Girls. I just you just
you just compartmentalize, you put it in a box, you
(21:57):
check out. And I traveled a lot the love of
my friends. A big part of that. Also my baby Dallas.
My baby Dallas, Dallas. So my husband wanted a dog,
English bulldog and you know, if there was ever any
reason I would have gotten a divorce would have been
Dallas because I did not want a dog.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I mean, it was the whole thing.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
When I first got here, moved to New York and
my colleagues, because I'm from the South, we don't have
indoor dogs. We have dogs on the furniture and dogs
in the We're not doing that.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
No dogs in the house.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
But then you know, after like I lost the second pregnancy,
I was like, I kind of gotta give my husband
a dog because it's weird. That's how you think, Like, Okay,
I can't give him a child, so I'm gonna give
him this dog.
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
So I've been Dallas, and that's a whole nother story
because Dallas needed to be rehomed and I'm from Dallas,
and he.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
Was like, Babe, babe, look at this dog. His name
is Dallas.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
I'm like that, I've got to give him a dog.
But it's the married people, know, you like negotiate. Well,
I'll think about it. I knew I was going to
give him the dog, but just like a parent, I'm
gonna make him think it was a big deal. Right,
So we get Dallas, and I remember Dallas and I
competed for Brent's attention like we did not like it.
We were ops, like we did not like each other.
I remember when Brent had been ill. Well here's the
(23:11):
other thing. So three months after we got married, he
had an intestinal cancer and almost died. Then so three
months into our marriage, she almost died, and I think
that prepared me for his stroke completely unrelated. It was
just like he had nine lives, like he had gone
through a lot of stuff and they were like a
rare things. So like the intestinal cancer was like this
rare carcinoid tumor that presents in one out of how
(23:33):
many people? And then he had light in factor five
blood clotting disorder that we didn't know until the catastrophic
event presented itself.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
So there was all this stuff. So like I got
to take out the dog. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
When Brent first passed away, I was like, oh, I'm
not gonna know this dog, like when you see someone
take your last breath, and that was a very traumatic experience.
There are levels of trauma which I bring to my reporting.
First of all, you have just the loss, Then you
have a public loss. Then you have the manner in
which a person and loses the loved one. So there
are different levels of trauma. So there were different levels
of trauma for me, and I remember my life fast
(24:07):
forwarding through my head. I was like, like, you know,
we don't have you know, the week before when I
lost the baby and when we knew that the pregnancy
was not going to be viable, he told me. He
was like, Babe, we're not going to be an obsessive
couple about having a child. You're just going to have
to be okay if it's just the two of us.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
Then he has a stroke. What is happening in universe?
Speaker 2 (24:31):
What?
Speaker 3 (24:32):
So it's like going to have you or a child?
And now I got this dog in the house. What
you know.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Dallas went through his own greeting process, and I remember
one day like he was just he just one time
when Brent was sick, Dallas only wanted Brent to take
him out because my husband spoiled this dog so much
it was just disgusting. I'm like, Dallas, I took him
outside four times. He wouldn't go outside. He goes to
the bedroom door. He pee's in front of the bedroom
door because he wanted. I was like, see, this is why.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
I don't like you. I don't like you.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
And then after Brent passed away, we're both kind of
figuring it out and I remember, but Dallas was really
a human and I speak to him in the past
tense because my baby crossed the Rainbow in August and
he was fifteen years old.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
English Bulldog's my dog child.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
I mean, I went from hating this dog to being
Mama bear like if you talk about my dog, I'm
a wolverine, like, don't come for my dog.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
That's my baby, Dallas.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
And then throughout that, throughout the pandemic, that was my
that was my coping, this mechanism, I just oh, I
could wait for his kisses.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
In his eyes.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Dallas and I watched The Golden Girls. That was what
we did.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
It's my baby.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
It's interesting you bring up the idea that you connected
to Golden Girls because they are widows. Obviously they were
such a different generation than you. I have a friend
who tragically also lost her husband, but in an accident
when she was in her early thirties, and so this
was the only window that I had into this. But
she's written pretty extensively about what it's like to be
a young widow, that there's just so little community for it.
(25:59):
Were you able to find that or did you have
to find community and people that understood what you were
going through in older women both.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
I think I found more community and younger women because
I became like the young widow whisperer. So when Brent
passed away, it was really traumatic for all of us,
our families and our friend groups because no one knew
what is this.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
A young widow?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
And I mean I remember, I think I was at
the Yankee Candle store in Garden State Plaza Hall and
someone said something kind to me, and I think I
burst into tears because she was a young widow and
I was a young widow. And I did find this
small young widow. Black females were young widows, or about
five of us. Yeah, so we did find there was
community in that they about five of us, There's one Brooklyn, Jersey, Harlem.
(26:45):
But then it got to a point where it was
overwhelming because then my friends were like, oh my gosh,
this person now her husband just died. You got to
talk to her and this guy he just lost his well,
I was like, oh it, it became overwhelming. I did
find a community with young widows. I went to. My
therapist was an Orthodox Jewish woman who had experience holding
young widow groups like group therapy. And I found it
(27:08):
so interesting that the person who really helped me most
through this journey was completely culturally opposite of my life,
and it was she really got me through that period
because she could really she had a fresh This was
all my life was in culture was due to her.
And so I did find community in that. And then
I had to stop being the young widow whisperer and
I started a memoir. But it's I applaud your friend
(27:31):
because it's hard. It's painful. I had to put it.
It's painful. It's painful to experience those emotions again. Two
days ago would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. So
I had this conversation a few days ago, and really,
I've just learned to compartmentalize. So I lost my father
during the pandemic, like literally the week that everything March twenty.
It's twenty twenty, the week everything was shutting down, and
(27:52):
I never I really can exp I put all of
that grief in the same box. So there's bread, then
there's Daddy, and then there's Dallas. And it's probably not healthy,
but it's all in a box because I just can't
experience that level of rawness and tenderness and the nucleus
of the earth molten rock. I just can't experience that again.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
I do.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
I would love to get to a point where I
can pick up the memoir again. I think I'll have
to interview a lot of my friends. There's stories about
my communication, things that they remember about that time, fascinating
to me because I don't remember. It's a journey, It's
a marathon, not a sprint. But you know, I want
to talk about the fertility piece of this. You know,
you had kind of come to so you and Brent
(28:32):
had come to the idea that might just be the
two of you, there might not be and now he
is no longer, and so how are you thinking about
what family looks like for you?
Speaker 3 (28:42):
And what steps have you taken.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I love this question because Brent is the one who
came to this conclusion. I didn't come to this conclusion.
I just, you know, just at our husbands. Yes, baby,
he had come to that conclusion, and I still struggle
with it. I don't know what that looks like. I'm
fifty one. I know what it doesn't look like. And
that's what gets me to where it is the problem
(29:05):
with being a reporter and thinking that you know and
having access to so much information. It's some shoot when
you realize that there's a whole cadre of information that
you have no idea what's going on. So the fertility
specialist that Brent and High had been seeing, so, first
of all, have rheumatoid arthritis. It's autoimmune, and my body
(29:26):
kept attacking the fetus, and so that was the problem.
So we were trying to figure out why am I
so don't kill the fetus? And with autoimmune your body
detects the soft tissue as porn, and so we were
just kind of We'd gone to all these specialists, and
I'm a reporter, so I thought I researched everybody. When
Brent passed away at forty one, I was the first
(29:48):
thing I was. I wish we had saved a specimen,
and I even thought about it in the hospital, but
I also knew that that would not honor what he wanted.
When he passed away, I was like, who, what do
we do? We didn't save any of his specimen, and
I was just like, I'm a problem solver, I'm a reporter.
How do we figure this out? A quick deviation to
(30:10):
this is I've covered the death of two NYPD officers
whose wives were able to harvest their specimen and have
posthumous children with their husbands. And that's been very difficult
for me to cover because it's a trigger that I
never did that. First of all, when I went to
my therapist, she talks about how I cried for like
the first three months. I would only and that was
really the only safe space for me as a public person.
(30:32):
Even a person in my family who was always the
strong person I couldn't even cry in front of people,
was not. I couldn't even access that vulnerability. I didn't
save any specimen and my own eggs. I didn't freeze
my eggs I was told I could not. I thought
I was too old to freeze my eggs. And in
twenty twenty twenty, during the pandemic, so I had another
(30:54):
life altering event. I was diagnosed with degenerative spinal disorder
callspondal lo the stecies. This happened like the week of
the pandemic. I was in pain, my father passed away.
I was basically crippled the entire time. If I could
walk to the bathroom, and so it took forever to
get the diagnosis. You know, I really didn't go through
the typical diagnostics that you would do, Like we were
(31:15):
just trying to figure out what happened. So when I
finally got to the doctor, they were like, you need
to have a fusion in your lower back, so we're
going to go in put a titanium cage. Because like
I could literally feel my butt back clicking, and I
was bone on bone. It was like click, click click.
I had all of that. I was an extreme, excruciating pain,
and chronic pain is the whole different place, and it's
another part of my journey having to deal with chronic
(31:37):
pain the entire time being diagnosed with RA. When I
was in North Carolina, not being able to walk, my
hands like in my feet were just like Fred Flintstone,
like just outwardly facing, I'm this, you know, mouniec a
little Darla Doll on TV, and I'm like crippled and
hobbling in the background. I'm in pain and I have
to Okay, I'm going to rest and I'm going to
(31:58):
over Okay, then I've got to write, like it's just,
you know, so much of that. So when I had
my surgery and I was hospitalized for five days and
it was an amazing procedure. And I've actually now have
two I've had two within ten months, two spinal reconstructions
because of this degenerative spinal disorder. And I think that's
probably the biggest challenge I have right now. So they
(32:19):
were discharging me from the hot we had. They were
discharging me from the hospital, and they're like, oh, by
the way, you have this bone growth agent in you
and you can't have a child for a year. Er
shouldn't that have been part of the first conversation. I
was like, why did we not have this conversation before
I had surgery? Like I could have saved my eggs
(32:40):
then I could have thought about it. So people, always women,
I've heard, they always talk about a decade of their
life that they've lost for one reason. I lost this
decade with my husband or my bad ex husband or
this relationship. So now here I am in my I'm like,
over forty five. Now you're telling me I can't have
a child along like forty seven, forty eight, Like it
just it was always in my mind that it was
(33:01):
a possibility.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
So I really that was a big.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Downward spiral for me, and pain always affects you emotionally.
We're still in the pandemic now. I don't have an
option to have a child, Like what's happening. I don't
have a Plan B, and I'm never a Plan B
person and a Plan A two point zero. So that's
what my therapist was saying, we got to think about
what is your next season? What's your next life? I
don't want to Plan B. I'm a Plan A person
(33:25):
or Plan A two point Oh. That's why I only
applied to one college because only the Plan A mattered.
Plan B is gonna be fine because it's Plan B.
Who cares about Plan B? You know, you only want
to win the super Bowl. You don't want to be
the person you just don't want to get to the playoffs.
You always want to win the super Bowl, right, Yeah.
And in my village, my village of young widows really
helped me through this and they were like absolutely. I
(33:47):
mean it took me back to a place of despondence,
of like that moment when Brett died, because I was like,
what is my life? What is my purpose? Why am
I here? I can't even think about I've always wanted
to bear children, always wanted to bear children.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
After the break, Darla talks about what's next for her
on this journey of fertility and family and how in
truth she's still trying to figure it all out.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
So, you know, one of my arcs, Arkel Matriarch, call
her Matriarch, we had a similar journey. We were introduced
through another widow. She was like, uh uh, don't believe
this doctor. She got on the phone and with these
other women they're like, nope, my girlfriend had a doctor
did it. And like, I'm instantly on the phone with
these women who have were told they cannot have babies,
(34:49):
that they were too old, that their eggs were too old.
And then my best friend. It's always helping when you're
best friends. As a psychologist, right, Like I don't have
I didn't pay for therapy for years. And she's like,
now I'm going to get on the phone with you,
with this doctor and we're gonna talk. They're gonna there,
this is your doctor. If you're not too old, we're
going to see what we can do about harvesting your eggs.
He was offended. I was like, well, I have my friend.
(35:10):
Well you don't really need to have anybody on the phone.
And that's when you really you know, I've done so
many stories about how women are not really taken seriously,
and it does, and it's really not an economic thing.
I wasn't taken seriously. I was you're too old. If
you want to have a baby, has to be a
donor egg. I'm like, I'm still having a minstrual cycle.
I'm still fine. It was it was just you know,
(35:34):
my village, really, my spellman village, my widow village. They
kicked in so we I finally got to have another friend.
She said, Judge. Now she just had a child over
fifty and she had a lot of fertility challenges, and
I was like, I want to do what she did.
I was like, look, I'm forty eight. I don't have
a man, I don't have a husband, but I just
want to preserve a chance to have children. So we
(35:54):
were able to harvest some eggs. It is a process,
if anybody's been through fertility. I had to take a
break and then I I've also I had this other surgery.
So what does it look like? Now I'm kind of
rambling because I still don't know. I know I have eggs.
I've always wanted to adopt. I wanted to die, and
I still plan to adopt foster children, siblings who don't
(36:14):
have a mommy, because I could be their mommy and
I can be a blessing to their lives. But I'm
really not a good candidate because of my work schedule
and I'm a single mom, so that has been an
obstacle for me. I don't know what it looks like.
Do I CoPant with a friend who also wants a child.
Do I wait for someone a love interest to come
into my life to say we're.
Speaker 3 (36:35):
Going to have a child.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
But dating at over fifty, everybody's kids are out of college.
I don't want to kids anymore. I don't know what
it looks like. I need help with that.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
I don't know. I haven't given a pope though.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
What is one thing or many things that at the
time you thought felt like such a low that you
didn't know how to get out of it, and now
in retrospect do you see it as having really propelled
you to the place you are now.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
I've had career lows, I've had personal lows. They're not
the same, and you know, things aren't packaged as neatly.
What has propelled me, I think is what you're asking
me my faith, the strength of my family. The fun
thing about birth order and being on TV in New
York City is your southern family really doesn't care, Like
(37:24):
I'm still that turkey baby, and I would I better
not go home act and fancy and sapphire as my
father would say, like what's wrong with you? So the
grounding of my siblings, my cousins, my friends. I have
a great village, But the journey. I'm still in the
midst of this journey, like I'm not on the other
(37:46):
side of it yet.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
So what has propelled me?
Speaker 2 (37:49):
You know, I guess this is a good way as
a sports analogist, as the Lombardi ist, I've been asked
at certain events, what is your what's your theme song?
Because so if we had a theme song, what would
you enter on. I'm like, I have a theme song already,
and and this is what propels me.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
All I do is when when when? No matter, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
But you.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
Kdown ocdaun oct down, Because all I do is where
when when?
Speaker 2 (38:23):
And if you go in there and throw your hands
in the air and let him stay there, that's what
propels me. Because all I do is man, That's what
I do. It's a beautiful. Thank you so much, thank you,
thank you for this platform, and thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (38:38):
This was a good experience. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Darlas still lives and works in New York and continues
to report for ABC seven News. Like so many of us,
she's still figuring it all out, and I have the
feeling that somehow, some way she's going to find just
what she needs. You can stay up to date with
Darla on Instagram at Darla Miles seven. Special thanks to
(39:19):
the she Pivots team, Executive producer Emily eda Flosk, Associate
producer and social media connoisseur Hannah Cousins, Research director Christine Dickinson,
Events and logistics coordinator Madeline Sonovik, and audio editor and
mixer Nina Pollock. I endorse she Pivots
Welcome back to she Pivots. I'm Darla Miles. Welcome back
to she Pivots. I'm your host, Emily Tish Sussman. Let's
jump right in. Welcome back to she Pivots. For today's
(00:21):
candidate convo. I'm delighted to have on Darla Miles, an
Emmy winning reporter at ABC seven, the number one local
news station in the country. Darla's story caught my eye
last year after Essence wrote an article about her. It
was titled After three miscarriages and losing her husband, Journalist
(00:43):
Darla Miles isn't giving up on being a mother. And
as someone who has people close to me who have
struggled with fertility and loss, I know how important hearing
stories like Darla's is. Despite her unimaginable challenges, including three miscarriage,
is bad medical advice around fertility, and the sudden passing
(01:04):
of her husband shortly after her third miscarriage, Darla has
remained determined in her dream of becoming a mother. She
candidly shares her journey through grief the complexities of fertility
and her unwavering hope to one day have a family.
I love how she is challenging how we think about
the traditional timeline of life and chasing her dreams. I'm
(01:27):
so grateful for how she opens up about these experiences
and how they've shaped her both professionally and personally. This
episode contains references to topics that may be sensitive to some.
Listen with care.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
I'm Darla Miles. I'm a news reporter WABCTV in New
York City, the number one station in the country.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Okay, so we're going to back up. Tell us a
little bit about your family when you were growing up.
You've now mentioned a couple times that you're Southern, Like,
has that really shaped the way?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
That really shaped you? Absolutely? Absolutely so. I grew up
in Fort Worth, Texas. I'm the youngest of four divorced parents.
My mother is an interior designer. My father Coach Miles, biochemist,
science teacher Army Veteran well known in this You know,
I couldn't get a date because I was Coach Miles's daughter,
(02:18):
because he was so strict.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Like that was my dad.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I can to Morgan Freeman on LINO me but maybe
not that harsh, but very close to it. So the
grounding mantra in my life is something that I learned
from my father and my whole family is treat people
the way you'd like to be treated. And that's just
really the baseline of everything I do in life. The
way I talk with you, the way I speak with
someone who's providing a service at the grocery store, at
(02:43):
the bodega, someone who was experiencing like the worst day
of their life, which is usually when I meet people.
So I just try to treat people the way I'd
like to be treated. And I don't meet a stranger.
I get that from my father, like I could talk
to a rock, I mean on my headstone as Darla
never met a stranger. So that does help me a
lot in my career. And I just have an infinite curiosity.
(03:04):
I'm a lifelong learner and I just am fascinated that
I get to learn something absolutely new and become an
expert in it every single day.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
What did you think you were going to be when
you grew up? I knew I was going to be
a reporter.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
I did.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I did well, Okay, So there's a whole thought process,
the methodology, right, So I knew I wanted to do
something something related to the social justice and black Americans,
like I knew I wanted to impact. Underserved was not
a word, obviously, it was not a term growing up
in the eighties and nineties, but I knew I wanted
to have some type of social impact on my culture.
(03:40):
So I remember in high school, I wanted to become
a lawyer. I just I love the legal system, la law,
all of that. I used to watch Law and Order
with my father every single episode, like that was our thing,
you know, law and Order. So I just I've always
been intrigued by government, by the legal system. At one point,
I wanted to be apologician, and I really had like
(04:01):
a forensic analysis in my head, so I said, And
as I was just in the process of self discovery
tenth in eleventh grade, I was in youth and government
in high school and whatever.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
I can't remember all, you know, but I did.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
A lot of the you know, the school courts, and
it could be to him the same thing.
Speaker 3 (04:17):
I have no idea what it's called.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
But I did a lot of the extracurricular activities involving
government and the law. So I thought, I was like,
can I want to be I want to be a
public defender, or maybe I'll be a prosecutor, and then
I just thought I just kind of like really examined
the career and I said, it's going to be like
emptying out the ocean with the teaspoone, Like how much
impact will I have if I am going to deal
(04:41):
with every case on such a small scale. So then
I thought about becoming a politician, and that just didn't
appeal to me. I'm don't really have a big filter.
It just I didn't think it was going to get
I thought there was going to be too many obstacles
to get to the impactful change that I wanted. And
I really realized the impact of media has on shape
being thought. And fast forward to now with my career.
(05:03):
My father always wanted me to be an educator, following
the family footsteps, and he's like, whenever you finished with
this TV thing, go get a real job and go
get your credentials and become a teacher. And at this
stage in my life, I am an educator. My classroom
was just eight point nine million people, and so I
really love bringing context to everything. So just bringing context
(05:25):
to what's happening around us, to teaching people to operate
with facts and make their own decision. That has always
been I've been passionate about and that's part of who
I am, and that's what my father brought to me.
But then also you know, images of minorities in the media.
It's different now because we still have so many different mediums,
But in the eighties and the nineties is the big
three networks. I remember when there was no cable. I
(05:46):
don't know if you remember where the cable guy would
just knock on your door and he would selling, Hey,
we're selling insurance, we're selling it. Okay, you want to
buy this gay And the cable guy would come pick
up your check every week.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
It was a whole thing.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
And so there were there weren't so many outlets back then.
And I just always remembered hearing in my community how
African Americans, black Americans were portrayed.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Why did they speak to.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
The lady with the rollers in her hair and who
was in ourtic like they do that on purpose, you
know why? They just wanted there was this overarching conspiracy
to make black Americans, African Americans look back when they
spoke to them about the new This conversation two days
ago actually with a friend of mine. So I just
really wanted to, like demystify what was happening, and there
(06:25):
was this overarching conspiracy or lack of reference to to
bring black voices, black stories to TV. Well, then I
on the seat at the table. Isn't that we're all
supposed to do with our you know, own various areas
of expertise as a woman, as a man, any underrepresented group.
That's what we do. We just bring context and understanding.
And so I didn't really approach it acrimoniously. I wasn't
(06:49):
like angry and upset. I just wanted to understand how
it works, because my scientific brain wants to understand the mechanics.
And if that's how it works, let me be part
of the solution. Because you can either complain, complain, complain,
or you can be part of the solution. So I
wanted to be part of the solution.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Yeah, so you said that you went into this because
you wanted to have impact. You wanted to be impactful,
Like what were was the problems that you were trying
to solve for by storytelling?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
So now we call it storytelling and everyone wants to
be a content creator. Just think about all the stream
of the content content storytelling, It wasn't a thing but
it was you know, now it has a title and
a name and a concerted effort now to represent unrepresented people.
It has always been a problem, but it had not
(07:39):
been identified as as it is now. And so in
my community, the news, local news, any news was and
still is considered biased against African Americans. It doesn't tell
the entire story. It's devised to make Black Americans look
bad in the world slight. Why don't they ever tell
(08:01):
positive stories? And there's there's so so much mistrust, very
much like you know, the institutionalized distrust of law enforcement.
So again, what can you do? Can you allow it
to perpetuate or can you go in and be an
agent of change? And it's no different than being an
agent of change in the realm of politics, to represent
(08:22):
those voices that have not had representation. It's no different
than being an agent of change in the medical field,
where you have you know, maternal hyper maternal mortality rates
for African Americans. So there's always an opportunity to be
an agent for change in any organization, institution, or agency
that doesn't have the diversity of voices, And sometimes they
(08:42):
just don't even know that they don't have it.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
They don't even know we have.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
There's an documentary about the history of eyewitness news, Al
Primo and the legacy of eyewitness news. And one thing
that's that people don't understand about news is that it
used to just be a white male at a table
delivering copy and whatever someone wrote for them. But eyewitness news,
the reason why we're legendaries, were like, no, we're going
to go out into the field and we're going to
talk to people about what they're experiencing it as they
(09:07):
experienced it. John Johnson the first black man reporter, black
men reporter on the streets of New York City, bringing
you the news as it happened. Heraldo Rivera, the first
Hispanic reporter on the So there's always an opportunity to
be an agent for change, and that's what I am.
I'm in the field. I'm talking to people experiencing life
as they experience it, and it's my duty and it's
(09:28):
an honor. And so I am the voice. I am
the vehicle for their voice. And so that was the
change that I sought to be in this industry.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
Do you remember the first story that you put together.
Was it when you were still in college or did
you have to wait to graduate.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I'm going to tell you I took the completely unconventional
route to become a reporter. First of all, I was
an English major. I took one communications class at Clark
Atlanta University because we are part of this consortium in
Atlanta so I can take classes, and I studied abroad
in Madrid. That was my first internship. Actually, I had
an internship in radio at Clarke Atlanta University WCLK Radio
ninety one point nine, jazz radio, and I think I
(10:06):
read psays, so I learned radio. So my start was
really in radio. I went to study broad in Spain
and then I worked for Ona Madrid Radio and my
job was to go out and interview people mos man
on the street interviews in Spanish. So then I would
go out and interview people in Spanish and then translate
it and put these mos interviews. So my first my
whole first seven years in TV was in Spanish radio
(10:28):
and TV. It was all in Spanish radio and TV
because I didn't have a background, I didn't study communications,
and I did look like the traditional journalism students, so
nobody would give me a job. But because I spoke
fluent Spanish, I got an internship at CN in Spanish
News in Atlanta, and I worked for SEEING in Spanish
Radio scene in Spanish News nineteen ninety seven we became
a twenty four hour network which is still around. Seeing
(10:50):
in in Espanol so now and I went behind the scenes.
I worked behind the scenes because I didn't really know
how TV worked. I was like, I can write, but
I don't really know how TO works. So my first
jobs were I rolled teleprompter in Spanish for two years.
I did audio. I did chirons, which are the words.
I did playback, this is all tape audio, TD switch
the show master control. I did all of those things
(11:13):
for like seven or eight years. And again, no one
would still give me an on air job in TV
because I was a technical person and you speak Spanish,
I'm never going to put you on an English speaking
TV station. And I sent out demo tapes which were horrible,
so bad, because I had not I've never I've never
written a story. I sent out tapes for three years.
I was like, I speak another language. I work at CNN.
(11:34):
I could not get an on air job. I couldn't
get a job as a reporter. I couldn't get a
job as an anchor WJBF and Augusta, Georgia two thousand
and one. Again, this is the people left messages on
your answer machine. I've been sending out tapes so long
I totally forgot. I remember I got a voicemail. I
was like, what is this man talking about? And he
was speaking very quickly. I didn't understand the message. I
(11:56):
went to Africa for two weeks with my church choir.
We went on a missionary tramission trip and I came back.
I said, let me listen to this voicemail. What was
this voicemail about. I was like, Oh, my gosh, they're
giving me a job and they want to entery.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
I forgot. I didn't answer the voicemail for like three ways.
What is happening?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So I eventually I got hired at WJBF, an ABC
affiliate in Augusta, Georgia, media General station. At the time,
they sent me out for a story and I was like, oh,
I think I have to actually do what they told
me to do.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
I've never written a story in my life.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
I've never written a back and script in my life,
but I'm gonna look, this is what we do.
Speaker 3 (12:36):
We figure it.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Out and it was some kind of school story, and
I remember, I just remembered. I just needed to give
myself a lot of time. I was like, I think
this is how I've seen it done. SoundBite audio sound bite,
I guys, and back then, you know, we had the
good thing about it is it timed it out in
the computer so you could kind of see how long
it would be. And I was just I just kind
(12:57):
of like I was winging it, and I was like
this right. They're like, oh, this is a great script,
thank you very much. And so then I went and
I did my very first live shot. I have to
find that live shot because I remember the last few
words were and they need upgrades for infrastructure and improvement.
Speaker 3 (13:14):
And they were like, oh my gosh, you did such
a great job. You're such a great job.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
So some infrastructure and improvement story in Augusta, Georgia. Three
days later. Then I kind of got ahead of myself.
I was like, oh, I'm doing great. I got ahead
of myself. Three days later, I crashed. I was awful.
I was so bad on TV. It was like it
was raining. I had to hold umbrella. I didn't know
what I was I was. I just floundered. It was awful,
but thank god. The Internet was a really a new thing,
(13:38):
was in its infancy. No social media.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
We barely had.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
We didn't even have cell phones back then. We had
pagers and they gave us quarters in the news truck
and we had big maps. So you're like, okay, we
paid you, you go put the quarter. You call it
feels archaic now I don't feel like I'm that old,
but that was my first story in Augusta, Georgia, some
infrastructure and improvement story in Augusta, Georgia, a house Cools.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Do you remember going up, like I think that moment
of being down and then having to go back into
the arena, like in your case it was going back
on air, which I think I think as many people's
worst nightmare, like to bomb in public and then to
have to go right back into it. Do you remember
what you had to, like what your narrative was in
your head to get yourself back on air.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Absolutely absolutely goes back to coach Miles, the coach Tom Brady.
If you throw an interception, you got to get back
in the game. It doesn't matter if you're Tiger Woods
and you bogey, you still got to get back in
the game. So you just you don't even think about it.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Just get back.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
You just get back on the playing field. And that's
just what I did, and you just got to go harder.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
When we come back, we dive into Darla's personal life
and how she experienced some of her lowest lows and
her highest highs as she dealt with fertility complications and
death of her late husband, Brent All while at the
height of her career. More after the break, so let's
(15:05):
bring your personal life in. So your trajectory as a
reporter is going up, like you are on the increase.
What was your personal life like as your career was
building steam.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
The most momentum came when I was hired as a
reporter here in New York City. So I'd worked at
CNN for seven years, at an ABC station in Augusta,
Georgia for two years, in Raleigh, North Carolina for three years,
and then an ABC station in Dallas for three years.
I never thought I would even work in New York
and everyone wanted to work in New York City. It's
going to be hard, it's daunting, It's like the most
(15:37):
it's the funnest job I've ever had. It's my favorite
station in life at the thought I was so intimidating,
So DNT It's New York City. So when I was hired,
I came with my fiance. It was a nice, wonderful,
hallmark kind of situation. Blind date in two thousand and nine.
We met on a blind date in March. Ever since
the first day, best friends him engaged that later on
(16:01):
that year, that December, we moved here together. I always
just say, we're like George and weezy, like moving on,
no like were we moved to start a whole new
life in New York City. It was just you know,
and it was good because we were still like in
our late thirties. So I think we needed that to
kind of separate ourselves from what we had established as
our life, to build a new life together. So I
was here building my new life with my husband. We
(16:22):
just built a home. So November twenty twenty three, I
just built a home with my husband. We were pregnant.
It was my third pregnancy. We had already lost two,
and you know, that's always been my biggest I just
wanted to be if I have a family, growing up
in a big family. Just those days with my mom
at home, all the kids at the house, like I
(16:42):
just couldn't wait to be that house for all the kids.
That was November twenty twenty three. He asked me what
I wanted for my birthday. I said, I don't want anything, like,
don't get me anything, Like I'm happy, Like we're having
a child, we have a home with a white picket fans,
like we're in. Three weeks later, I lose the child
and overnight that night he has a catastrophic stroke. So
(17:03):
within twenty four hours, everything in my life changed. He
survived the stroke for a few weeks and he ultimately
passed away. And I remember my follow up from losing
the pregnancy. I remember speaking with my physician in my
thirty day follow up and I was like, yeah, by
the way, my husband died. He's like what, So you
(17:26):
know it changed my life. I was forty one, my
husband had passed away, no kids. First of all, I
covered crime and tragedy and death in New York City.
I had to take some time off because coming to
work every day I could not I couldn't do it.
I mean I was in a very deep depression, very
deep depression. My village amazing, my Spelman college, village, my
(17:52):
news village, my family, like there was literally a rotation
of someone at my house every week for the remainder
of the year. My neighbors came over, they cut my grass,
the snow, they would shovel the snow. Was I was
in a semi catatonic state. It was very hard for
me to reconcile how I could have the emotional fortitude
(18:13):
to do what I did that I'm very passionate about.
But every day is a trigger. And I went back
because my husband and I, Brent and I that we
sacrifice so much for my career. I was like, I
can't let this go because this is what this is
what we came here for, you know, this is what
my father, this is what I was built for. So
(18:34):
I went back and for years and even now like
and that was my niche before before I took that leave,
before he passed away, was you know, I would get
sentto those very difficult stories, children who were killed tragically,
parents who'd lost their children. Having that delicate treat people
the way I'd like to be treated, empathetic ear That
(18:56):
enabled me to get more yardage and have people sit
down me to tell me their story and the worst
time of their lives. But it's really impactful. And the
sad thing about it is news is new. So if
I come back to talk to you, like three days
from now, I'm sorry, it's not old. It's what's new,
and so we were trying to keep up with what's happening.
(19:18):
One of the most impactful interviews I did after I
returned after my husband passed away, and it was the
only interview this mother had given at the time, and
her children died like she was trying to hold onto
them in Staten Island during the flooding and they floated
away and drowned, and I remember just having a conversation
with her before she spoke to me, and I just,
(19:38):
you know, I just tell people my story, like I
try not to. One reason I came back is I
was like, it's very hypocritical for me to ask people
to tell me their journey and not to share mine.
That's why I've talked about my fertility journey. That's why
I've spoken about, you know, my husband. This is probably
the most I've ever talked about Brent. It's really taken
me ten years to be able to talk about it.
(20:00):
So how dare I retreat and withdraw and be have
this double standard where I would want everyone to tell
me everything that's going on in their lives and for
me not to do the same.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Yeah, you were winning Emmys at that time for your work,
like your career was at a huge high. How did
you manage that high and low between your professional and
personal life at the same time.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Well, the first thing was my constitution as a reporter
is that it's about who I'm the person I'm featuring,
not myself. So I refuse to talk about myself, and
I didn't talk about my journey and I wouldn't post
about it because I don't. I wanted to highlight other
people and that gave me a sense of accomplishment and
duty to make sure that I know elevated their stories.
(20:51):
And this is actually very funny how I manage it,
and people laugh at me. The Golden Girls, The Golden Girls.
Let me tell you, The Golden Girls has solved every
problem in life. Back in the eight and my dad
would never let me watch The Golden Girls because it
was too risky, you know, But yeah, I just I
(21:13):
mean eleven o'clock, like that's appointment TV. The Golden Girls,
like they're widows. And I remember at one point I
was like, I'm going to act like plant or I'm
going to be like you know, I just you know,
the Golden Girls like really tackled dating after becoming a widow,
just missing your missing your husband and you know, and
that's and so now I have like a whole arsenal
of like nostalgic shows that that bring me joy. So
(21:36):
through that literally and I'm not I'm not joking with you,
the Golden Girls every single night. Like I may not
be able to win a Golden Girls trivia competition, but
if you turned an episode of The Golden Girls on,
I could tell you every single line and every single response,
like I just love the Golden and my bestie and
I like it's the Golden Girls. I just you just
you just compartmentalize, you put it in a box, you
(21:57):
check out. And I traveled a lot the love of
my friends. A big part of that. Also my baby Dallas.
My baby Dallas, Dallas. So my husband wanted a dog,
English bulldog and you know, if there was ever any
reason I would have gotten a divorce would have been
Dallas because I did not want a dog.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
I mean, it was the whole thing.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
When I first got here, moved to New York and
my colleagues, because I'm from the South, we don't have
indoor dogs. We have dogs on the furniture and dogs
in the We're not doing that.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
No dogs in the house.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
But then you know, after like I lost the second pregnancy,
I was like, I kind of gotta give my husband
a dog because it's weird. That's how you think, Like, Okay,
I can't give him a child, so I'm gonna give
him this dog.
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
So I've been Dallas, and that's a whole nother story
because Dallas needed to be rehomed and I'm from Dallas,
and he.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
Was like, Babe, babe, look at this dog. His name
is Dallas.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
I'm like that, I've got to give him a dog.
But it's the married people, know, you like negotiate. Well,
I'll think about it. I knew I was going to
give him the dog, but just like a parent, I'm
gonna make him think it was a big deal. Right,
So we get Dallas, and I remember Dallas and I
competed for Brent's attention like we did not like it.
We were ops, like we did not like each other.
I remember when Brent had been ill. Well here's the
(23:11):
other thing. So three months after we got married, he
had an intestinal cancer and almost died. Then so three
months into our marriage, she almost died, and I think
that prepared me for his stroke completely unrelated. It was
just like he had nine lives, like he had gone
through a lot of stuff and they were like a
rare things. So like the intestinal cancer was like this
rare carcinoid tumor that presents in one out of how
(23:33):
many people? And then he had light in factor five
blood clotting disorder that we didn't know until the catastrophic
event presented itself.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
So there was all this stuff. So like I got
to take out the dog. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
When Brent first passed away, I was like, oh, I'm
not gonna know this dog, like when you see someone
take your last breath, and that was a very traumatic experience.
There are levels of trauma which I bring to my reporting.
First of all, you have just the loss, Then you
have a public loss. Then you have the manner in
which a person and loses the loved one. So there
are different levels of trauma. So there were different levels
of trauma for me, and I remember my life fast
(24:07):
forwarding through my head. I was like, like, you know,
we don't have you know, the week before when I
lost the baby and when we knew that the pregnancy
was not going to be viable, he told me. He
was like, Babe, we're not going to be an obsessive
couple about having a child. You're just going to have
to be okay if it's just the two of us.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
Then he has a stroke. What is happening in universe?
Speaker 2 (24:31):
What?
Speaker 3 (24:32):
So it's like going to have you or a child?
And now I got this dog in the house. What
you know.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Dallas went through his own greeting process, and I remember
one day like he was just he just one time
when Brent was sick, Dallas only wanted Brent to take
him out because my husband spoiled this dog so much
it was just disgusting. I'm like, Dallas, I took him
outside four times. He wouldn't go outside. He goes to
the bedroom door. He pee's in front of the bedroom
door because he wanted. I was like, see, this is why.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
I don't like you. I don't like you.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
And then after Brent passed away, we're both kind of
figuring it out and I remember, but Dallas was really
a human and I speak to him in the past
tense because my baby crossed the Rainbow in August and
he was fifteen years old.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
English Bulldog's my dog child.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
I mean, I went from hating this dog to being
Mama bear like if you talk about my dog, I'm
a wolverine, like, don't come for my dog.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
That's my baby, Dallas.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
And then throughout that, throughout the pandemic, that was my
that was my coping, this mechanism, I just oh, I
could wait for his kisses.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
In his eyes.
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Dallas and I watched The Golden Girls. That was what
we did.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
It's my baby.
Speaker 1 (25:36):
It's interesting you bring up the idea that you connected
to Golden Girls because they are widows. Obviously they were
such a different generation than you. I have a friend
who tragically also lost her husband, but in an accident
when she was in her early thirties, and so this
was the only window that I had into this. But
she's written pretty extensively about what it's like to be
a young widow, that there's just so little community for it.
(25:59):
Were you able to find that or did you have
to find community and people that understood what you were
going through in older women both.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
I think I found more community and younger women because
I became like the young widow whisperer. So when Brent
passed away, it was really traumatic for all of us,
our families and our friend groups because no one knew
what is this.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
A young widow?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
And I mean I remember, I think I was at
the Yankee Candle store in Garden State Plaza Hall and
someone said something kind to me, and I think I
burst into tears because she was a young widow and
I was a young widow. And I did find this
small young widow. Black females were young widows, or about
five of us. Yeah, so we did find there was
community in that they about five of us, There's one Brooklyn, Jersey, Harlem.
(26:45):
But then it got to a point where it was
overwhelming because then my friends were like, oh my gosh,
this person now her husband just died. You got to
talk to her and this guy he just lost his well,
I was like, oh it, it became overwhelming. I did
find a community with young widows. I went to. My
therapist was an Orthodox Jewish woman who had experience holding
young widow groups like group therapy. And I found it
(27:08):
so interesting that the person who really helped me most
through this journey was completely culturally opposite of my life,
and it was she really got me through that period
because she could really she had a fresh This was
all my life was in culture was due to her.
And so I did find community in that. And then
I had to stop being the young widow whisperer and
I started a memoir. But it's I applaud your friend
(27:31):
because it's hard. It's painful. I had to put it.
It's painful. It's painful to experience those emotions again. Two
days ago would have been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. So
I had this conversation a few days ago, and really,
I've just learned to compartmentalize. So I lost my father
during the pandemic, like literally the week that everything March twenty.
It's twenty twenty, the week everything was shutting down, and
(27:52):
I never I really can exp I put all of
that grief in the same box. So there's bread, then
there's Daddy, and then there's Dallas. And it's probably not healthy,
but it's all in a box because I just can't
experience that level of rawness and tenderness and the nucleus
of the earth molten rock. I just can't experience that again.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
I do.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
I would love to get to a point where I
can pick up the memoir again. I think I'll have
to interview a lot of my friends. There's stories about
my communication, things that they remember about that time, fascinating
to me because I don't remember. It's a journey, It's
a marathon, not a sprint. But you know, I want
to talk about the fertility piece of this. You know,
you had kind of come to so you and Brent
(28:32):
had come to the idea that might just be the
two of you, there might not be and now he
is no longer, and so how are you thinking about
what family looks like for you?
Speaker 3 (28:42):
And what steps have you taken.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I love this question because Brent is the one who
came to this conclusion. I didn't come to this conclusion.
I just, you know, just at our husbands. Yes, baby,
he had come to that conclusion, and I still struggle
with it. I don't know what that looks like. I'm
fifty one. I know what it doesn't look like. And
that's what gets me to where it is the problem
(29:05):
with being a reporter and thinking that you know and
having access to so much information. It's some shoot when
you realize that there's a whole cadre of information that
you have no idea what's going on. So the fertility
specialist that Brent and High had been seeing, so, first
of all, have rheumatoid arthritis. It's autoimmune, and my body
(29:26):
kept attacking the fetus, and so that was the problem.
So we were trying to figure out why am I
so don't kill the fetus? And with autoimmune your body
detects the soft tissue as porn, and so we were
just kind of We'd gone to all these specialists, and
I'm a reporter, so I thought I researched everybody. When
Brent passed away at forty one, I was the first
(29:48):
thing I was. I wish we had saved a specimen,
and I even thought about it in the hospital, but
I also knew that that would not honor what he wanted.
When he passed away, I was like, who, what do
we do? We didn't save any of his specimen, and
I was just like, I'm a problem solver, I'm a reporter.
How do we figure this out? A quick deviation to
(30:10):
this is I've covered the death of two NYPD officers
whose wives were able to harvest their specimen and have
posthumous children with their husbands. And that's been very difficult
for me to cover because it's a trigger that I
never did that. First of all, when I went to
my therapist, she talks about how I cried for like
the first three months. I would only and that was
really the only safe space for me as a public person.
(30:32):
Even a person in my family who was always the
strong person I couldn't even cry in front of people,
was not. I couldn't even access that vulnerability. I didn't
save any specimen and my own eggs. I didn't freeze
my eggs I was told I could not. I thought
I was too old to freeze my eggs. And in
twenty twenty twenty, during the pandemic, so I had another
(30:54):
life altering event. I was diagnosed with degenerative spinal disorder
callspondal lo the stecies. This happened like the week of
the pandemic. I was in pain, my father passed away.
I was basically crippled the entire time. If I could
walk to the bathroom, and so it took forever to
get the diagnosis. You know, I really didn't go through
the typical diagnostics that you would do, Like we were
(31:15):
just trying to figure out what happened. So when I
finally got to the doctor, they were like, you need
to have a fusion in your lower back, so we're
going to go in put a titanium cage. Because like
I could literally feel my butt back clicking, and I
was bone on bone. It was like click, click click.
I had all of that. I was an extreme, excruciating pain,
and chronic pain is the whole different place, and it's
another part of my journey having to deal with chronic
(31:37):
pain the entire time being diagnosed with RA. When I
was in North Carolina, not being able to walk, my
hands like in my feet were just like Fred Flintstone,
like just outwardly facing, I'm this, you know, mouniec a
little Darla Doll on TV, and I'm like crippled and
hobbling in the background. I'm in pain and I have
to Okay, I'm going to rest and I'm going to
(31:58):
over Okay, then I've got to write, like it's just,
you know, so much of that. So when I had
my surgery and I was hospitalized for five days and
it was an amazing procedure. And I've actually now have
two I've had two within ten months, two spinal reconstructions
because of this degenerative spinal disorder. And I think that's
probably the biggest challenge I have right now. So they
(32:19):
were discharging me from the hot we had. They were
discharging me from the hospital, and they're like, oh, by
the way, you have this bone growth agent in you
and you can't have a child for a year. Er
shouldn't that have been part of the first conversation. I
was like, why did we not have this conversation before
I had surgery? Like I could have saved my eggs
(32:40):
then I could have thought about it. So people, always women,
I've heard, they always talk about a decade of their
life that they've lost for one reason. I lost this
decade with my husband or my bad ex husband or
this relationship. So now here I am in my I'm like,
over forty five. Now you're telling me I can't have
a child along like forty seven, forty eight, Like it
just it was always in my mind that it was
(33:01):
a possibility.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
So I really that was a big.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Downward spiral for me, and pain always affects you emotionally.
We're still in the pandemic now. I don't have an
option to have a child, Like what's happening. I don't
have a Plan B, and I'm never a Plan B
person and a Plan A two point zero. So that's
what my therapist was saying, we got to think about
what is your next season? What's your next life? I
don't want to Plan B. I'm a Plan A person
(33:25):
or Plan A two point Oh. That's why I only
applied to one college because only the Plan A mattered.
Plan B is gonna be fine because it's Plan B.
Who cares about Plan B? You know, you only want
to win the super Bowl. You don't want to be
the person you just don't want to get to the playoffs.
You always want to win the super Bowl, right, Yeah.
And in my village, my village of young widows really
helped me through this and they were like absolutely. I
(33:47):
mean it took me back to a place of despondence,
of like that moment when Brett died, because I was like,
what is my life? What is my purpose? Why am
I here? I can't even think about I've always wanted
to bear children, always wanted to bear children.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
After the break, Darla talks about what's next for her
on this journey of fertility and family and how in
truth she's still trying to figure it all out.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
So, you know, one of my arcs, Arkel Matriarch, call
her Matriarch, we had a similar journey. We were introduced
through another widow. She was like, uh uh, don't believe
this doctor. She got on the phone and with these
other women they're like, nope, my girlfriend had a doctor
did it. And like, I'm instantly on the phone with
these women who have were told they cannot have babies,
(34:49):
that they were too old, that their eggs were too old.
And then my best friend. It's always helping when you're
best friends. As a psychologist, right, Like I don't have
I didn't pay for therapy for years. And she's like,
now I'm going to get on the phone with you,
with this doctor and we're gonna talk. They're gonna there,
this is your doctor. If you're not too old, we're
going to see what we can do about harvesting your eggs.
He was offended. I was like, well, I have my friend.
(35:10):
Well you don't really need to have anybody on the phone.
And that's when you really you know, I've done so
many stories about how women are not really taken seriously,
and it does, and it's really not an economic thing.
I wasn't taken seriously. I was you're too old. If
you want to have a baby, has to be a
donor egg. I'm like, I'm still having a minstrual cycle.
I'm still fine. It was it was just you know,
(35:34):
my village, really, my spellman village, my widow village. They
kicked in so we I finally got to have another friend.
She said, Judge. Now she just had a child over
fifty and she had a lot of fertility challenges, and
I was like, I want to do what she did.
I was like, look, I'm forty eight. I don't have
a man, I don't have a husband, but I just
want to preserve a chance to have children. So we
(35:54):
were able to harvest some eggs. It is a process,
if anybody's been through fertility. I had to take a
break and then I I've also I had this other surgery.
So what does it look like? Now I'm kind of
rambling because I still don't know. I know I have eggs.
I've always wanted to adopt. I wanted to die, and
I still plan to adopt foster children, siblings who don't
(36:14):
have a mommy, because I could be their mommy and
I can be a blessing to their lives. But I'm
really not a good candidate because of my work schedule
and I'm a single mom, so that has been an
obstacle for me. I don't know what it looks like.
Do I CoPant with a friend who also wants a child.
Do I wait for someone a love interest to come
into my life to say we're.
Speaker 3 (36:35):
Going to have a child.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
But dating at over fifty, everybody's kids are out of college.
I don't want to kids anymore. I don't know what
it looks like. I need help with that.
Speaker 3 (36:47):
I don't know. I haven't given a pope though.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
What is one thing or many things that at the
time you thought felt like such a low that you
didn't know how to get out of it, and now
in retrospect do you see it as having really propelled
you to the place you are now.
Speaker 2 (37:02):
I've had career lows, I've had personal lows. They're not
the same, and you know, things aren't packaged as neatly.
What has propelled me, I think is what you're asking
me my faith, the strength of my family. The fun
thing about birth order and being on TV in New
York City is your southern family really doesn't care, Like
(37:24):
I'm still that turkey baby, and I would I better
not go home act and fancy and sapphire as my
father would say, like what's wrong with you? So the
grounding of my siblings, my cousins, my friends. I have
a great village, But the journey. I'm still in the
midst of this journey, like I'm not on the other
(37:46):
side of it yet.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
So what has propelled me?
Speaker 2 (37:49):
You know, I guess this is a good way as
a sports analogist, as the Lombardi ist, I've been asked
at certain events, what is your what's your theme song?
Because so if we had a theme song, what would
you enter on. I'm like, I have a theme song already,
and and this is what propels me.
Speaker 3 (38:11):
All I do is when when when? No matter, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
But you.
Speaker 3 (38:18):
Kdown ocdaun oct down, Because all I do is where
when when?
Speaker 2 (38:23):
And if you go in there and throw your hands
in the air and let him stay there, that's what
propels me. Because all I do is man, That's what
I do. It's a beautiful. Thank you so much, thank you,
thank you for this platform, and thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3 (38:38):
This was a good experience. Thank you.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Darlas still lives and works in New York and continues
to report for ABC seven News. Like so many of us,
she's still figuring it all out, and I have the
feeling that somehow, some way she's going to find just
what she needs. You can stay up to date with
Darla on Instagram at Darla Miles seven. Special thanks to
(39:19):
the she Pivots team, Executive producer Emily eda Flosk, Associate
producer and social media connoisseur Hannah Cousins, Research director Christine Dickinson,
Events and logistics coordinator Madeline Sonovik, and audio editor and
mixer Nina Pollock. I endorse she Pivots
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