October 11, 2023 • 34 mins
The MUCH anticipated Savageship breakup update is here!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ooh, sevn. I like to keep it real simple, all right,
you guys.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The much anticipated and much asked for response from Josh
when it comes to his thoughts, his feelings, all of
those things on dating someone who's extremely independent and someone
that is extremely extremely busy. So I'm gonna Josh just
(00:32):
go straight in on it. And because we kind of
stopped that one, yeah, we'll just let you go straight
in and let you talk about all of those things.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yeah. So yes, I think where we left.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
Off last time is my thoughts on you know, being
dating you obviously extremely independent, but.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
We're working on you.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Wait, working on me being dependent on you, or just
working on me.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
Working on being you know, less as in dependent, because
I think.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
You don't need to be maybe, and I think whether
you whether we get that far or.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You know, well, you know what they say.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I was reading something the other day and it really
hit home, and it basically was saying that people who
are extremely independent have been let down by so many
people in their past that they just know they just
pick up the slack and can depend upon themselves and
know that they're going to get it done.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
So there's that, so at least, you know, that's where
it comes from.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
I guess, yeah, that's where it comes from. But like
I said, we're working on that. But yeah, I would
say that the independentness that you are and the busyness
that you are is just the drive, right, I mean,
it's your drive to succeed at your drive to be
a great mom.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
That is just that drive in you. And I think
a lot of people can.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Resonate with that because we all have a drive to
a certain point.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Your drive is just your drive.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
And maybe it's from you know, people letting you down
to you're like, hey, I have to pick up the slack,
and at some point you get tired of picking up
the slack in it being you know, an excuse or
kind of letting people do that, and you just in
turn take it for what it is, which is which
is where where you are, which we all love and
adore that about you. I, since we're talking about my feelings,
(02:27):
don't always like it, but I do love it. Let's
just put it that way. So I think that you
know what everybody.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
Wants to know.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
What you want to know is how because I'm not
as independent as.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
You are, and you know, the.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
The there's a word that gets thrown away on and
I'm not going to use that word because I think
it has a very can have a very negative.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Is that the word that starts with an end and
ends with the why?
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Yes, it does. It starts to end and ends with
the why.
Speaker 4 (02:58):
I'm not going to say that because I think that,
you know, not necessarily for myself, but talking through and
reading things that can you know, trigger people or not
trigger people or be you know, make them feel and
I think it's a can be come across as a
negative words. I'm not gonna say that. We'll just say
less independent, how about that? So I would say that
(03:20):
being my feelings on diving right into the vulnerability is
some feelings that come across dating you are.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Don't hold that I'm fine with you good?
Speaker 4 (03:39):
So then all right, there's there's a and this is
coming from someone that's not independent. So we've obviously talked
through these things. So I'm not telling you think that
maybe you don't know, but maybe people.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Can resonate with.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
So there's dating an independent person, even married to an
independent person, there's a there's a loneliness obviously that you feel,
there's a you know, a huge adapting to.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
That independent world.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
I mean, there's been many times where I have felt
very lonely, whether it be in Virginia or whether in Cincinnati,
and it's that's a me issue obviously, and that's a
non independent person issue. But there's the loneliness there of
the drive being what it is or the busyness being
(04:32):
what it is, and you almost get not lost in
the shuffle, but you you're like, Okay, where do I fit?
Where do I? How can I help? Am I going
to get the time? Am I going to get this?
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Where do I? You know? What should I jump in
and do? And what should I not do?
Speaker 4 (04:49):
Because you review, since we're talking about us, you don't
like to ask for help, and that's I think that's
a that's a independent thing.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
That's also a strong.
Speaker 4 (05:04):
Female successful It can be male too, but in this
instance it's you. That's a characteristic where, hey, you know what,
I don't need this.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
I don't need help.
Speaker 4 (05:13):
I don't want to do this, and I'd rather, as
you said before, people have let you down in some aspect,
So I'd rather just do it myself and ask for
your help, because guess what, you're going to mess it
up anyway.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
So there's a lot of those things, you know, for
me a feeling lost lonely? Am I helping enough? Am
I here?
Speaker 4 (05:36):
You know? And how can I assist all of those things?
Speaker 3 (05:40):
And wow, we're gonna It's kind of there's a.
Speaker 4 (05:51):
The worthy word comes to mind, you know, and I've
talked to my therapist about that.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
It's like, hey, am I.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
Am I worthy enough enough to be quote unquote in
the relationship? Am I worthy enough to be here in
helping out? Is it because I?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:08):
Is it because that you're You're so independent that you
just just want to do it in the drive And
it's like, hey, I'm willing and able to do all
those things, regardless of what it is. Stuff from the house,
stuff with work, you know, pick you know, grocery, you know, whatever.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Those things are.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
I think independent people just are so used to being
let down. It's it's kind of like letting somebody into,
you know, your world, or letting somebody in it and going, hey,
something as simple, you know for you of you know, out.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Taking out the trash, not that you don't let.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Me do, right, But I did look at you crazy,
like wait what the first time you did? I was
like you just said out the trash like right, oh,
I didn't even ask you, like, uh, well, thank you,
but yeah, But.
Speaker 4 (06:54):
It's those small things I think for independent be in
for you. It's like, I'm not even gonna ask you
to do that, because even if it's the trash, you're
gonna take it out the wrong door, you're gonna put
it the wrong can, you're gonna get something like whatever
the thought process for people to do that, And I
think the loneliness is there, the work.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Am I worthy enough to be there?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
And I think interjection.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
I think that that stuff gets in your head because
I don't feel like I have ever been like you're
taking the trashot wrong, or you're doing this wrong, or
you're doing that wrong. So I think that when you're
with a super independent person and then you're feeling this
way that I mean, it's almost like it just creeps
into your head and there's these thoughts and feelings that
(07:38):
I've never expressed, and I don't even feel.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Like I've ever alluded to any of that stuff.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
So it's almost like your your mind is going wild
because you're not you're not as independent, which is okay,
I mean that makes us each unique in us, but
you're not as independent, so you're kind of like, wait,
hold on a second, and then you start to go
into an overthinking type mode, if that makes sense, because yeah, no,
(08:05):
I'm grateful for the things that you do.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
So yeah, I'm using I was.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Using that as an example. But yeah, you never said like, hey,
you're doing this thing. You know that even just asking
for help, I think for whatever, you know, for whatever.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Yeah, that's just not that's yeah, I mean, that's just not.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Joshuall watch me run around until I literally go to
bed at night and I'm exhausted, and he's like, what
the heck, just you know, throughout the day, what can
I help you with?
Speaker 1 (08:32):
I'm like, I got it, I got it, I got it,
I got it. Nothing I got it I did.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
And I think that's where, you know, for me and
in my nature, in.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
My heart is I'm a helper. I'm a giver.
Speaker 4 (08:43):
Like that's in relationships. Obviously you have seen that in
you know, the over six months happy six months by
the way, before I forget that that was a few
days ago, so.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
We almost didn't make it to those six months that
we'll talk about.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
That makes about that what we did. So but I
think that the.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
It's in your if you feel like that's your heart
and that's what you do, and I will admit it,
whether you want to call it overthinking or whatever, that
is if you're constantly asking or asking an independent person,
can I help you?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Can I do this? What can I do? What can
I do?
Speaker 4 (09:27):
And they're on the outside coming to you going hey,
I got it, Hey I got it, Hey I got it,
And you're still, you know, like you said, go go
go all day long, and I obviously have my work
to do and doing stuff and helping you and we
do stuff together and all of those things.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
But you get to the end of the day and
whereas you're very independent.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Hey you've got the stuff checked off and you've done
your listen, it's like exhausted for the day and it's like, hey,
let's go, like it's time to go to bed, whatever.
And for an over thinker or somebody that has the
giving heart, it's like, hey, we we spend time together today,
but it.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Was doing this, this and this, and then it's.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
Like, hey, I'm you didn't allow me to do this,
or you didn't want me to help you this. You
said you got it, and then the brain just starts
going because it's like, okay, well, what does she quote
unquote need me here for?
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Or what she does she want me here? Is it?
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Is she ever gonna let go of these things to
allow me to help her? And for you, I think
that it's you know, getting just getting things done. And
for us people that are not as you know, I think,
not as independent, it's like, all right, well I'm offering
(10:46):
to help. I'm you know, I'm here to help. I'm
here to do all those things. Does she even trust
me to do that? Does he even trust me to
do that? To do it right? To not do it right?
And I think that plays into you know, one, you know,
you and I have learned or I've learned you know,
communication and love, languages and all those things that we've
(11:08):
kind of talked through. And sometimes it's and look, I said,
the lonely thing.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
It's it can be a lonely place.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Not that you, particularly as an independent person, have put
me there. But I think it's a combination of the
independence plus the quote unquote overthinking or man, what about
or how can or it's trying to think through that.
So maybe you call that overthinking too.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
And I think that's where your quote unquote worthy part
comes in right, because you and I have had this conversation.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Let's take a step back.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
So so everyone kind of knows where we were, yep,
along with this, and they can piece it together at
the same time, and I think more of this might
make sense. So it got to a point where I
was extremely extremely busy. Already know I'm independent, We already know.
I get up, I do my stuff, I handle my business.
(12:04):
You know, just I keep trucking regardless of help, no help,
any of that stuff. I look at it as I'm
not going to have help, and so I just keep rolling.
So extremely independent, then extremely busy on top of it,
So waking up the minute I wake up, it's answering
emails and answering DMS and doing this and doing.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
That, and then I gotta get a post and I
have to do this, and.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Then recording or working out. All of those things are
just things that I do on a daily basis. And
it literally is the minute I wake up until I
lay down in bed, I'm just going, going, going. So
last month I had these goals that were given to
me by TikTok, and I needed to try and meet
(12:46):
those goals. So add on to the independence piece and
being busy anyway with everything else that I do, podcast,
live feeds, content, other platform sponsorship stuff, talking about a
tour you know, magazine covered like you name it. There's
a bunch of other things that people don't see behind
the scenes. So Josh gets to see this, experience this,
(13:09):
and see, holy crap, where do I fit in?
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Where is my time?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
So we were I would say a good solid three
weeks where Josh kept coming to me saying I need
your time. I need your time, I need your time.
And for someone who is extremely independent doesn't ask for anything,
I just keep going till everyone around me gets what
they need.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I just keep going. I just keep going, to just
keep going.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Well, I got to a point where I was like, Josh,
I can't give you that right now.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I don't have it.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
I have to be a mom first, I have to
do well at my job. I have other things that
I have to make sure that are done. I just
don't have that extra one on one time that you're
asking for late at night or whatever.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
I don't have it.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
And it was so hard for me to say that
to him, because I want to be everything for everyone.
But it was also so frustrating because you would see
how as exhausted I was, and he wasn't taking no
for an answer.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
So we found.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Ourselves in a very tough spot for about three weeks
because it was just budding heads. It was I need
more from you, and I'm like, I'm giving you everything
I have now. Mind you, these are things that we've
worked through, and this is why we're actually having the
conversation because this is this is hard, This was hard
to get through.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
This is a hard conversation to have.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
But I would give him any spare time that I had, meaning, Okay,
I need to go run errands. You want to go
run errands with me? We can catch up talking wise,
we can do this, We can do that. And it
was I'm trying to multitask and give him something of myself,
but I can't give him anything else because I just
don't have it.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
And I know.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
People out here can attest to the fact of being
so freaking being tired. You can barely stand up being
so tired, you can be really to keep your eyes open,
literally running yourself so raggeds you're like, I don't even
know what day it is, and you wake up in
the middle of the night because like, I have so
much stuff to do and you can't get back to sleep.
So that's what was going on the majority of September
for me is I just don't have it.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
I just don't have it. I just don't have it.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
And he's over there fighting for his life saying but
I need it, but I need it, but I need it,
and if it weren't for us, the constant communication and
also another party stepping in what we're talking about later.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
But I did not realize.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Until he finally pulled some things back and said, I
just don't feel worthy, and I'm like, that's silly, what
are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
You don't feel worthy? Well, I just don't feel like
do you need me?
Speaker 4 (15:46):
Do this?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Do you that?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
And of course you know, for me, I'm like I
don't need anyone, no, And I'm sure that didn't help,
but it was like I want you. You know, independent
people are not gonna tell anyone they need them because
we can we can handle our stuff, right, But it
was like, I.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Want you here.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
So me not being able to give him that was
hard for me because that's not who I am. I
give everything that I can of myself, and it was
hard for me to admit to him, I can't give
you what you need right this second, so I'll let
Josh speak about it. But it was like I kept saying,
this is all I have, is all I have, and
he kept saying I need more. I need more, And
(16:24):
a couple of weeks back, or about a week and
a half ago, two weeks ago, I was like, I
can't do this anymore. I can't do it. Yeah, I
was like we I literally I broke up with him.
I'm like, I can't.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
I just can't.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
I'm like, I have so many pressures coming from everywhere
and everyone's needing me. I don't even have time for myself,
let alone giving you anything more. I just don't have it.
And I was very frustrated because I said, you, of
all people, should see that I don't have it. I'm
not out talking to other people. I'm not out going
(16:59):
out you mean anything. I'm literally just saying, there's only
twenty four hours in a day and I was getting
what five hours of sleep, and it was just like
I just had nothing left.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
That I physically could give anybody.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
And I just felt like he wasn't hearing me, and
he felt like I wasn't hearing him.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
So yeah, well I think that, you know, that's the
big that's the big thing you just said. His hearing
and listening and obviously talking through talking through our therapist
and talking to people that we have in our in
our circle that we trust and love and that are
going to give us, you know, the real deal and
(17:38):
not sugarcoated because who you are, who I am, who
we are. And I think that was the issue is
we both were listening to each other, we just weren't
hearing each other.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
And the same thing that you're saying, oh.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Wait I heard you. I literally was just like I
got notnheing lost.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
We were listening and not hearing.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
I was really that. But I think there were times
when we were hearing and legit, hey I can't do this,
or hey I'm not going to do this, or you
know whatever that is or.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Was but.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Hearing hearing that you.
Speaker 4 (18:18):
Don't have something to give to someone that feels like
they aren't worthy anyway, or they weren't being hey can
you can you and you know you figured obviously we
spend you know, with your schedule, my schedule, there's a
lot of flexibility as far as when we hang out
and when we can do things together, run errands and
you know.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Lunch or whatever.
Speaker 4 (18:41):
But it was a quality quantity thing and we were
just on two We were just on different different wavelengths
for that, because my quality time is different than your
your thinking quality time, and it's it's just a flip
flop mind mind shift of hey, to you, this is
quality time, and you're able to work and do all
(19:02):
those things and we still.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Have our time and all that.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
And I was, you know, on my end, I'll say it,
I was miss I was missing the boat because it
wasn't a you know, we talked love languages, you talked
quality quantity. It wasn't my It wasn't where my thought
process was. Yes, I understand you were busy, Yes I
understood all of those things. But it was almost like, okay,
we're we were almost you know.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
We just weren't. We just weren't flicking.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
And in that in that avenue or that that that area.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
So I think you said it a minute ago when
you said you didn't feel worthy. So you were doing
all these things helping, like taking out trash, doing dishes,
doing these these little things that end up piling up
to bigger things right, so I wouldn't have to do that,
and then you're like, okay, well I'm doing all these
things for her and she can't do this for me.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Am I not worthy? And it's one of those things where.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
We had to take a step back of I literally
physically have no time.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
It wasn't I'm choosing not to.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
It wasn't hey, look I don't care about you enough,
I'm not gonna do this. Hey I don't want to
do this. None of those things were ever said. It
was I am so busy right now. And that's what's
hard when you have one person who is lights out
busy and the other person is not. But that that's
gonna switch someday, right there's gonna be a day where
(20:27):
you're gonna be so busy and I'm not gonna have
as much, and I'm gonna be like, oh, so I
needed to take a step back, I think.
Speaker 4 (20:33):
So. I think that's the that's the cool part, And
that's the other, you know part of you know, the
flexibility and the schedule, because there's been times when I've
been at the house and I'm working or whatever and
you kind of have this break and I'm sitting at
the table, or you know, me and your mom are there.
She's working, I'm working, you're working, everybody's there or whatever,
and I'm in the middle of something and you've got
(20:55):
to break and all of a sudden you come over
and you're like, you give me this look like, hey,
I got nothing to do right now, and why are
you working? Type of look, and you know you'll come
over and just sit on my lap or while I'm
on the laptop or whatever and working, and you just
kind of sit there, and that's you know, that's I
want to be there obviously for those moments and in
(21:18):
that moment because just as the things that I quote
unquote do as you were saying around the house or
for you or to help you or to help us,
and all that, I was doing all those things and
wanting that quote unquote time was our time. It wasn't
And we've talked through that. It wasn't Josh's time. It
(21:40):
was more like of us time.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
And I but and.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
You had to and you had to understand that I
just didn't have that.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
It was wake up. I had to do this. Wake up.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Get my son too, you know, get breakfast, get my
son to school, get answer DMS answer this, answer that
on zoom meetings, get on calls, do this, do that.
It was literally back to back to back to back
to back to back to back, and.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
You're like, but what about me? What about me?
Speaker 2 (22:07):
And I'm like, oh, And at one time I was like,
I feel like you're pulling on my shirt like a
little kid begging and asking and you're an adult, like
you should see. And I had to take that setback
because I'm like, our brains do not work the same.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
And literally it was I was so swamped.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
And I'm not saying that dads don't feel this way,
but I can speak for myself as a mom.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
When you have it, you know, it's a running joke.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
You got like seventy two web browsers up at one time,
and you're doing seventy two and eleven different things. I
have all these things going on, and then I have
Josh pulling me. I need your time, I need your time,
and I'm like, I don't. I've never said this to
my life.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't have it. I don't know where I'm pulling
it from. I don't have it.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I don't have it, and he just kept saying, but
I need it, but I need it, but I need it,
and it was this incessant. It felt like nagging to me,
and I was like, I felt my back was up
against a wall, and I was just like, this is
the only thing that can go. My kid can't go.
I have to provide for my child. I have to
you know, I can't dip out on being a daughter.
(23:11):
I can't dip out on whatever. I'm like, you should
understand this by now, We're almost six months in, Like,
I can't do this.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I cannot do this. If you're not gonna hear me
and believe me when I'm saying I don't.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Have this, then we can't be partners because there's gonna
be days where someone can give ninety nine percent and
someone can give one percent, and then it's gonna flip flop.
And I'm like, I'm right now at my five percent
or ten percent or whatever it is. And I would
find myself staying up late.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
You know.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
There'd be times where I would get done with a
live later than I wanted to, and then Josh and
I would have conversation an hour later and I wouldn't
you get into bed, and then I'd have to get
back up early.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
And it was like, I can't keep doing this.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
I can't keep doing this. Something has to give. And
it took me saying I can't, I'm done. And a
friend happened to call and talk to me a little bit.
And I'm very private about our like deep down stuff.
I just I don't do it. I don't talk to
people about it because we're in a very, very very
(24:14):
public relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
The last thing I want to do is.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Have the public skew how we deep down genuinely feel.
Because if the public is like, we love you guys together,
and I'm like, he's just not my person. But they
keep saying that, it might make me think, oh wait,
what am I missing?
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Or you know, what am I doing? So let me
say this. When that friend.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Called to talk to me about something different and they
were like, hey, we're noticing or I'm noticing, which was
I thought was insane that they even noticed anything. Not
that I'm trying to hide anything, but just I was
like wow. So he made a few comments, we talked
a little bit more. He's like, well, I'm calling Josh
tomorrow and I said, look, that's fine, and I told
him I was like, well, honestly, this this is I
(25:00):
pretty much ended it because I can't.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I just can't.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
I don't have the mental capacity or physical I just
can't do it anymore.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
And he was like, oh wow, I did not know
that that's what happened.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
And I said, I still love him, but I have
to feel heard. And I get it he told me
a million times, but I feel like I heard him
and I was being honest and open, was saying I
can't do it. So we had the conversation and then
Josh had the conversation the next day.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
And that's up to you. If you want to speak.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
About that, you can speak about that.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
That's totally your call.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
I mean I think that you know, the the people
obviously we have in our our circle that you know,
have known kind of the good, the bad, the ugly,
have helped, have seen, have kind of tried to, you know,
give advice and be truthful and open and honest with us.
(26:00):
This person didn't say anything earth shattering that instead it
in a different way, dove down a little bit farther
maybe in.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
The thought process, and obviously sees.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
Both of us from a different perspective than you know,
the people that you talk to, the people that I
talked to or the you know.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
The two or whoever you know, are extremely small circle.
Speaker 4 (26:27):
But seeing it from quote unquote, you know, not the
outside in which obviously be in public, a lot of
people see that relationship from the outside, and they don't
see from the inside out or even.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
On the cusp of that.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
So seeing it from there going hey, this, this and
this for you is kind of what i've seen, and this,
this and this for her is kind of what I've seen.
And this is where you guys are missing it. You're
not missing it by far. We weren't missing it by far.
We just weren't clicking. And then there's this little there's
this shift and then all of a sudden, just like
(27:04):
you said, those little things pile up to bigger things.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
This was one of those things.
Speaker 4 (27:09):
It's like, Okay, he's not hearing me or she's not
hearing me or whatever. This is a small thing that
we can fix. And it didn't get fixed because it
just kept you know, you continue to be busy and independent.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
This is where that's where we're at, and.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
I continue to be overthinking and you know, wanting and
all of these things. And it wasn't it became a
bigger thing. But in all a shouty. You probably could
have been fixed a while ago, but I are, you know,
a couple of weeks ago, whenever, you know whatever, we
had the you know.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
This this the bigger conversation right well, I mean, and
I think what it came down to was independent and
not independent and learning to understand each other in that
capacity because being independent. I'm like, Okay, I just got
I got a ton of stuff I have to get
off my list today.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
I still have to be a mom. I still got
to make dinner.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
I still gotta do this. I still got to do that,
which I hate making dinner. But I'm like, I have
all these things going on. For the record, I can
make dinner. I hate doing it.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
You can. You can't make dinner? You just hate it.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
I hate it.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
So it's like, here are all these things that I have,
and I'm like, the most important person that is needing
me right now is my child who cannot finn for himself,
cannot emotionally physically, you know, can't fin for himself. But
I'm like, here's this grown man that I'm coming to,
which I've never done in my life, say I can't
(28:36):
do this.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I'm coming to him I'm like, he is not hearing me,
He's not listening.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And so eventually, when we both had spoken to our friend,
Josh had called me, you know, we hadn't really talked
a ton, And I say that meaning we hadn't talk
to town like we always do. We normally don't go
like an hour without speaking to each other. So that
weekend was like I don't know, six, eight, nine, ten
(29:04):
out whatever, It was like several hours in between.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
So after he had spoken with a friend as.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Well, it was okay, let's sit down, let's talk about
because I was pissed. I'm like, how in the world
are you not just understanding I give you spend more
time with me than anybody. So it was like I
was trying everything to explain to him, I'm not out
with anyone else. I'm not that he would not that
he said anything about that, but I'm like, I'm not out.
(29:32):
I'm not on the phone with anyone, right, So, like,
I don't have extra time to like not not go out, right,
I'm not going out, So I don't have extra time
to take that away and give to you. I'm not
on the phone all day long with like friends or whatever.
So I don't have that to cut out and give
to you. So it was like, I'm giving you everything
I have. I have nothing more, and to not feel
(29:54):
like I was being heard was super frustrating.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
And all I kept hearing from him was but I
need it, but I need it, but I need it.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
So after he spoke with our friend, He's like, listen,
I don't feel like you need me.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I don't feel like you want me. I don't feel worthy,
I don't feel whatever.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
So it was like a whole switch once he said,
once you said those things of I want to feel wanted,
I want to feel needed, all of those things, it
was like I didn't feel worthy, and I was like,
but I've never said that to you.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Like you're here, I'm like, you literally are the one
that I.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
Go to bed with that night, wake up with in
the morning, and I'm like, you literally lick every crevice
of my body.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
I'm like, no one else does that. No, I'm like,
no one else does.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
That.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I'm like, what more do you need from me?
Speaker 5 (30:38):
So it was literally just and I'll say it, I
was so thankful that you stopped in your track because
it was a constant.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
It was like the same thing I need this, I
need this, and I'm like a thousand different ways I'm
trying to explain, like, but I don't have it because
of this, or I can't do that because of it.
Like I felt like I was trying to explain so
many different ways to get to understand, and it was
just the same thing he kept coming back with. So
to be able to stop and say, okay, let's dissect it.
I didn't feel worthy, I didn't feel this. I didn't
(31:10):
feel that, and I told him for a minute, one
and he'll tell you right now. What is always key for.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
Me, consistency.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
So when he.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
When he kept asking for my time and I didn't
have it, and I don't mean like I walked around
the house and ignored him and I never tried. That's
not what we're talking about. He wanted extra quality, one
on one time.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
That's want to be fair.
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Some days and this is gonna this is not I'm
gonna say, it's not gonna be some days something at
all because of how busy you.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Are and time together for me, And what.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
I was quote unquote needing or longing for or wanted
or whatever was not what you were able to give.
So doing what you said help, you know, do his
stuff around the house. I practically live there, like practically
living there practically you know, you know, you're the neighbor
boys like this is Josh's house, but you know, doing
(32:09):
all of those things and being like, hey, I'm here,
I know you. And then the overthinking is of like, hey,
you want me here?
Speaker 3 (32:18):
This is not how you've ever made me feel.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
But I'm trying to I'm trying to get the thought
process for people to understand, and maybe they feel that way.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
I'm I'm I'm here.
Speaker 4 (32:29):
I'm doing all of these things to help us, not
just to help you, but to help us. And then
I felt like I'm like I'm asking for just this whatever.
And when I wasn't you know, getting the answer I wanted,
or it was like, hey, I continue to just I'm
continuing to do what I need to do and what
(32:49):
my heart's telling me to do and what I think
you need me to do each and every day. But
I'm not getting this from you. The frustration part on
your end too, of going geez, like he freaking keeps
asking me.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Yeah, you know, what did I say?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
I was like, you're I think I called you spoil it,
like I was like, You're I feel like a spoil brat.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
You've asked me the same thing twenty five eleven times
in a row. I've told you I don't have it.
What do you want me to?
Speaker 3 (33:13):
Like?
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Who do you want me to do? What do you
want me to do?
Speaker 4 (33:15):
So?
Speaker 3 (33:16):
Yeah, and on my end it's the same thing.
Speaker 4 (33:18):
It was the same like frustration of like, well, what
the heck am I doing here? Like why am I here?
I'm not able to get this time. I'm you know,
I have stuff. You know, I have stuff to do
that I'm able, Like, it's just this whole it's tough,
and I know this is what.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I well and you expect your expectation was is a
little bit different. I think too, as someone who is
will say not as independent as I am, so mondas or.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
Was, And I think that's another part of me having
to re reevaluate, all right, am I.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
Expecting too much of her right now?
Speaker 4 (33:57):
Because, to be fair, as frustrating And You're like, I
was pissed.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Shoot, I was pissed. Yeah, day y'all, I was freaking pissed.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
I'm like, I can't even get a kiss, I can't
even get this and legit like and you.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
Got them, but you wanted more. And I was like
this was I swear what? Like I was so mad
at him.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
I'm like, you are literally up my ass asking me
for every.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Like can you can you stop? Like I remember, Oh
my gosh, I'm.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
In love with this woman.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
I mean, we were me saying like more you want
me to I don't want less, like you don't want
me to want less either
Speaker 1 (34:31):
And on that note,
Ooh, sevn. I like to keep it real simple, all right,
you guys.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The much anticipated and much asked for response from Josh
when it comes to his thoughts, his feelings, all of
those things on dating someone who's extremely independent and someone
that is extremely extremely busy. So I'm gonna Josh just
(00:32):
go straight in on it. And because we kind of
stopped that one, yeah, we'll just let you go straight
in and let you talk about all of those things.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Yeah. So yes, I think where we left.
Speaker 4 (00:44):
Off last time is my thoughts on you know, being
dating you obviously extremely independent, but.
Speaker 3 (00:50):
We're working on you.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Wait, working on me being dependent on you, or just
working on me.
Speaker 4 (00:57):
Working on being you know, less as in dependent, because
I think.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
You don't need to be maybe, and I think whether
you whether we get that far or.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
You know, well, you know what they say.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
I was reading something the other day and it really
hit home, and it basically was saying that people who
are extremely independent have been let down by so many
people in their past that they just know they just
pick up the slack and can depend upon themselves and
know that they're going to get it done.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
So there's that, so at least, you know, that's where
it comes from.
Speaker 4 (01:33):
I guess, yeah, that's where it comes from. But like
I said, we're working on that. But yeah, I would
say that the independentness that you are and the busyness
that you are is just the drive, right, I mean,
it's your drive to succeed at your drive to be
a great mom.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
That is just that drive in you. And I think
a lot of people can.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
Resonate with that because we all have a drive to
a certain point.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Your drive is just your drive.
Speaker 4 (02:04):
And maybe it's from you know, people letting you down
to you're like, hey, I have to pick up the slack,
and at some point you get tired of picking up
the slack in it being you know, an excuse or
kind of letting people do that, and you just in
turn take it for what it is, which is which
is where where you are, which we all love and
adore that about you. I, since we're talking about my feelings,
(02:27):
don't always like it, but I do love it. Let's
just put it that way. So I think that you
know what everybody.
Speaker 3 (02:34):
Wants to know.
Speaker 4 (02:35):
What you want to know is how because I'm not
as independent as.
Speaker 3 (02:39):
You are, and you know, the.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
The there's a word that gets thrown away on and
I'm not going to use that word because I think
it has a very can have a very negative.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Is that the word that starts with an end and
ends with the why?
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Yes, it does. It starts to end and ends with
the why.
Speaker 4 (02:58):
I'm not going to say that because I think that,
you know, not necessarily for myself, but talking through and
reading things that can you know, trigger people or not
trigger people or be you know, make them feel and
I think it's a can be come across as a
negative words. I'm not gonna say that. We'll just say
less independent, how about that? So I would say that
(03:20):
being my feelings on diving right into the vulnerability is
some feelings that come across dating you are.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Don't hold that I'm fine with you good?
Speaker 4 (03:39):
So then all right, there's there's a and this is
coming from someone that's not independent. So we've obviously talked
through these things. So I'm not telling you think that
maybe you don't know, but maybe people.
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Can resonate with.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
So there's dating an independent person, even married to an
independent person, there's a there's a loneliness obviously that you feel,
there's a you know, a huge adapting to.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
That independent world.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
I mean, there's been many times where I have felt
very lonely, whether it be in Virginia or whether in Cincinnati,
and it's that's a me issue obviously, and that's a
non independent person issue. But there's the loneliness there of
the drive being what it is or the busyness being
(04:32):
what it is, and you almost get not lost in
the shuffle, but you you're like, Okay, where do I fit?
Where do I? How can I help? Am I going
to get the time? Am I going to get this?
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Where do I? You know? What should I jump in
and do? And what should I not do?
Speaker 4 (04:49):
Because you review, since we're talking about us, you don't
like to ask for help, and that's I think that's
a that's a independent thing.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
That's also a strong.
Speaker 4 (05:04):
Female successful It can be male too, but in this
instance it's you. That's a characteristic where, hey, you know what,
I don't need this.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
I don't need help.
Speaker 4 (05:13):
I don't want to do this, and I'd rather, as
you said before, people have let you down in some aspect,
So I'd rather just do it myself and ask for
your help, because guess what, you're going to mess it
up anyway.
Speaker 3 (05:25):
So there's a lot of those things, you know, for
me a feeling lost lonely? Am I helping enough? Am
I here?
Speaker 4 (05:36):
You know? And how can I assist all of those things?
Speaker 3 (05:40):
And wow, we're gonna It's kind of there's a.
Speaker 4 (05:51):
The worthy word comes to mind, you know, and I've
talked to my therapist about that.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
It's like, hey, am I.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
Am I worthy enough enough to be quote unquote in
the relationship? Am I worthy enough to be here in
helping out? Is it because I?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:08):
Is it because that you're You're so independent that you
just just want to do it in the drive And
it's like, hey, I'm willing and able to do all
those things, regardless of what it is. Stuff from the house,
stuff with work, you know, pick you know, grocery, you know, whatever.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
Those things are.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
I think independent people just are so used to being
let down. It's it's kind of like letting somebody into,
you know, your world, or letting somebody in it and going, hey,
something as simple, you know for you of you know, out.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Taking out the trash, not that you don't let.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Me do, right, But I did look at you crazy,
like wait what the first time you did? I was
like you just said out the trash like right, oh,
I didn't even ask you, like, uh, well, thank you,
but yeah, But.
Speaker 4 (06:54):
It's those small things I think for independent be in
for you. It's like, I'm not even gonna ask you
to do that, because even if it's the trash, you're
gonna take it out the wrong door, you're gonna put
it the wrong can, you're gonna get something like whatever
the thought process for people to do that, And I
think the loneliness is there, the work.
Speaker 3 (07:12):
Am I worthy enough to be there?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
And I think interjection.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
I think that that stuff gets in your head because
I don't feel like I have ever been like you're
taking the trashot wrong, or you're doing this wrong, or
you're doing that wrong. So I think that when you're
with a super independent person and then you're feeling this
way that I mean, it's almost like it just creeps
into your head and there's these thoughts and feelings that
(07:38):
I've never expressed, and I don't even feel.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Like I've ever alluded to any of that stuff.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
So it's almost like your your mind is going wild
because you're not you're not as independent, which is okay,
I mean that makes us each unique in us, but
you're not as independent, so you're kind of like, wait,
hold on a second, and then you start to go
into an overthinking type mode, if that makes sense, because yeah, no,
(08:05):
I'm grateful for the things that you do.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
So yeah, I'm using I was.
Speaker 4 (08:09):
Using that as an example. But yeah, you never said like, hey,
you're doing this thing. You know that even just asking
for help, I think for whatever, you know, for whatever.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Yeah, that's just not that's yeah, I mean, that's just not.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Joshuall watch me run around until I literally go to
bed at night and I'm exhausted, and he's like, what
the heck, just you know, throughout the day, what can
I help you with?
Speaker 1 (08:32):
I'm like, I got it, I got it, I got it,
I got it. Nothing I got it I did.
Speaker 4 (08:35):
And I think that's where, you know, for me and
in my nature, in.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
My heart is I'm a helper. I'm a giver.
Speaker 4 (08:43):
Like that's in relationships. Obviously you have seen that in
you know, the over six months happy six months by
the way, before I forget that that was a few
days ago, so.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
We almost didn't make it to those six months that
we'll talk about.
Speaker 3 (08:58):
That makes about that what we did. So but I
think that the.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
It's in your if you feel like that's your heart
and that's what you do, and I will admit it,
whether you want to call it overthinking or whatever, that
is if you're constantly asking or asking an independent person,
can I help you?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Can I do this? What can I do? What can
I do?
Speaker 4 (09:27):
And they're on the outside coming to you going hey,
I got it, Hey I got it, Hey I got it,
And you're still, you know, like you said, go go
go all day long, and I obviously have my work
to do and doing stuff and helping you and we
do stuff together and all of those things.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
But you get to the end of the day and
whereas you're very independent.
Speaker 4 (09:49):
Hey you've got the stuff checked off and you've done
your listen, it's like exhausted for the day and it's like, hey,
let's go, like it's time to go to bed, whatever.
And for an over thinker or somebody that has the
giving heart, it's like, hey, we we spend time together today,
but it.
Speaker 3 (10:07):
Was doing this, this and this, and then it's.
Speaker 4 (10:09):
Like, hey, I'm you didn't allow me to do this,
or you didn't want me to help you this. You
said you got it, and then the brain just starts
going because it's like, okay, well, what does she quote
unquote need me here for?
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Or what she does she want me here? Is it?
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Is she ever gonna let go of these things to
allow me to help her? And for you, I think
that it's you know, getting just getting things done. And
for us people that are not as you know, I think,
not as independent, it's like, all right, well I'm offering
(10:46):
to help. I'm you know, I'm here to help. I'm
here to do all those things. Does she even trust
me to do that? Does he even trust me to
do that? To do it right? To not do it right?
And I think that plays into you know, one, you know,
you and I have learned or I've learned you know,
communication and love, languages and all those things that we've
(11:08):
kind of talked through. And sometimes it's and look, I said,
the lonely thing.
Speaker 3 (11:16):
It's it can be a lonely place.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Not that you, particularly as an independent person, have put
me there. But I think it's a combination of the
independence plus the quote unquote overthinking or man, what about
or how can or it's trying to think through that.
So maybe you call that overthinking too.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
And I think that's where your quote unquote worthy part
comes in right, because you and I have had this conversation.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Let's take a step back.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
So so everyone kind of knows where we were, yep,
along with this, and they can piece it together at
the same time, and I think more of this might
make sense. So it got to a point where I
was extremely extremely busy. Already know I'm independent, We already know.
I get up, I do my stuff, I handle my business.
(12:04):
You know, just I keep trucking regardless of help, no help,
any of that stuff. I look at it as I'm
not going to have help, and so I just keep rolling.
So extremely independent, then extremely busy on top of it,
So waking up the minute I wake up, it's answering
emails and answering DMS and doing this and doing.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
That, and then I gotta get a post and I
have to do this, and.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Then recording or working out. All of those things are
just things that I do on a daily basis. And
it literally is the minute I wake up until I
lay down in bed, I'm just going, going, going. So
last month I had these goals that were given to
me by TikTok, and I needed to try and meet
(12:46):
those goals. So add on to the independence piece and
being busy anyway with everything else that I do, podcast,
live feeds, content, other platform sponsorship stuff, talking about a
tour you know, magazine covered like you name it. There's
a bunch of other things that people don't see behind
the scenes. So Josh gets to see this, experience this,
(13:09):
and see, holy crap, where do I fit in?
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Where is my time?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
So we were I would say a good solid three
weeks where Josh kept coming to me saying I need
your time. I need your time, I need your time.
And for someone who is extremely independent doesn't ask for anything,
I just keep going till everyone around me gets what
they need.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
I just keep going. I just keep going, to just
keep going.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Well, I got to a point where I was like, Josh,
I can't give you that right now.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I don't have it.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
I have to be a mom first, I have to
do well at my job. I have other things that
I have to make sure that are done. I just
don't have that extra one on one time that you're
asking for late at night or whatever.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
I don't have it.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
And it was so hard for me to say that
to him, because I want to be everything for everyone.
But it was also so frustrating because you would see
how as exhausted I was, and he wasn't taking no
for an answer.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
So we found.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Ourselves in a very tough spot for about three weeks
because it was just budding heads. It was I need
more from you, and I'm like, I'm giving you everything
I have now. Mind you, these are things that we've
worked through, and this is why we're actually having the
conversation because this is this is hard, This was hard
to get through.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
This is a hard conversation to have.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
But I would give him any spare time that I had, meaning, Okay,
I need to go run errands. You want to go
run errands with me? We can catch up talking wise,
we can do this, We can do that. And it
was I'm trying to multitask and give him something of myself,
but I can't give him anything else because I just
don't have it.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
And I know.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
People out here can attest to the fact of being
so freaking being tired. You can barely stand up being
so tired, you can be really to keep your eyes open,
literally running yourself so raggeds you're like, I don't even
know what day it is, and you wake up in
the middle of the night because like, I have so
much stuff to do and you can't get back to sleep.
So that's what was going on the majority of September
for me is I just don't have it.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
I just don't have it. I just don't have it.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
And he's over there fighting for his life saying but
I need it, but I need it, but I need it,
and if it weren't for us, the constant communication and
also another party stepping in what we're talking about later.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
But I did not realize.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Until he finally pulled some things back and said, I
just don't feel worthy, and I'm like, that's silly, what
are you talking about?
Speaker 1 (15:42):
You don't feel worthy? Well, I just don't feel like
do you need me?
Speaker 4 (15:46):
Do this?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Do you that?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
And of course you know, for me, I'm like I
don't need anyone, no, And I'm sure that didn't help,
but it was like I want you. You know, independent
people are not gonna tell anyone they need them because
we can we can handle our stuff, right, But it
was like, I.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Want you here.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
So me not being able to give him that was
hard for me because that's not who I am. I
give everything that I can of myself, and it was
hard for me to admit to him, I can't give
you what you need right this second, so I'll let
Josh speak about it. But it was like I kept saying,
this is all I have, is all I have, and
he kept saying I need more. I need more, And
(16:24):
a couple of weeks back, or about a week and
a half ago, two weeks ago, I was like, I
can't do this anymore. I can't do it. Yeah, I
was like we I literally I broke up with him.
I'm like, I can't.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
I just can't.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
I'm like, I have so many pressures coming from everywhere
and everyone's needing me. I don't even have time for myself,
let alone giving you anything more. I just don't have it.
And I was very frustrated because I said, you, of
all people, should see that I don't have it. I'm
not out talking to other people. I'm not out going
(16:59):
out you mean anything. I'm literally just saying, there's only
twenty four hours in a day and I was getting
what five hours of sleep, and it was just like
I just had nothing left.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
That I physically could give anybody.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
And I just felt like he wasn't hearing me, and
he felt like I wasn't hearing him.
Speaker 4 (17:17):
So yeah, well I think that, you know, that's the
big that's the big thing you just said. His hearing
and listening and obviously talking through talking through our therapist
and talking to people that we have in our in
our circle that we trust and love and that are
going to give us, you know, the real deal and
(17:38):
not sugarcoated because who you are, who I am, who
we are. And I think that was the issue is
we both were listening to each other, we just weren't
hearing each other.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
And the same thing that you're saying, oh.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Wait I heard you. I literally was just like I
got notnheing lost.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
We were listening and not hearing.
Speaker 4 (17:58):
I was really that. But I think there were times
when we were hearing and legit, hey I can't do this,
or hey I'm not going to do this, or you
know whatever that is or.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Was but.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
Hearing hearing that you.
Speaker 4 (18:18):
Don't have something to give to someone that feels like
they aren't worthy anyway, or they weren't being hey can
you can you and you know you figured obviously we
spend you know, with your schedule, my schedule, there's a
lot of flexibility as far as when we hang out
and when we can do things together, run errands and
you know.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Lunch or whatever.
Speaker 4 (18:41):
But it was a quality quantity thing and we were
just on two We were just on different different wavelengths
for that, because my quality time is different than your
your thinking quality time, and it's it's just a flip
flop mind mind shift of hey, to you, this is
quality time, and you're able to work and do all
(19:02):
those things and we still.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Have our time and all that.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
And I was, you know, on my end, I'll say it,
I was miss I was missing the boat because it
wasn't a you know, we talked love languages, you talked
quality quantity. It wasn't my It wasn't where my thought
process was. Yes, I understand you were busy, Yes I
understood all of those things. But it was almost like, okay,
we're we were almost you know.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
We just weren't. We just weren't flicking.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
And in that in that avenue or that that that area.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
So I think you said it a minute ago when
you said you didn't feel worthy. So you were doing
all these things helping, like taking out trash, doing dishes,
doing these these little things that end up piling up
to bigger things right, so I wouldn't have to do that,
and then you're like, okay, well I'm doing all these
things for her and she can't do this for me.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Am I not worthy? And it's one of those things where.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
We had to take a step back of I literally
physically have no time.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
It wasn't I'm choosing not to.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
It wasn't hey, look I don't care about you enough,
I'm not gonna do this. Hey I don't want to
do this. None of those things were ever said. It
was I am so busy right now. And that's what's
hard when you have one person who is lights out
busy and the other person is not. But that that's
gonna switch someday, right there's gonna be a day where
(20:27):
you're gonna be so busy and I'm not gonna have
as much, and I'm gonna be like, oh, so I
needed to take a step back, I think.
Speaker 4 (20:33):
So. I think that's the that's the cool part, And
that's the other, you know part of you know, the
flexibility and the schedule, because there's been times when I've
been at the house and I'm working or whatever and
you kind of have this break and I'm sitting at
the table, or you know, me and your mom are there.
She's working, I'm working, you're working, everybody's there or whatever,
and I'm in the middle of something and you've got
(20:55):
to break and all of a sudden you come over
and you're like, you give me this look like, hey,
I got nothing to do right now, and why are
you working? Type of look, and you know you'll come
over and just sit on my lap or while I'm
on the laptop or whatever and working, and you just
kind of sit there, and that's you know, that's I
want to be there obviously for those moments and in
(21:18):
that moment because just as the things that I quote
unquote do as you were saying around the house or
for you or to help you or to help us,
and all that, I was doing all those things and
wanting that quote unquote time was our time. It wasn't
And we've talked through that. It wasn't Josh's time. It
(21:40):
was more like of us time.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
And I but and.
Speaker 2 (21:44):
You had to and you had to understand that I
just didn't have that.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
It was wake up. I had to do this. Wake up.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Get my son too, you know, get breakfast, get my
son to school, get answer DMS answer this, answer that
on zoom meetings, get on calls, do this, do that.
It was literally back to back to back to back
to back to back to back, and.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
You're like, but what about me? What about me?
Speaker 2 (22:07):
And I'm like, oh, And at one time I was like,
I feel like you're pulling on my shirt like a
little kid begging and asking and you're an adult, like
you should see. And I had to take that setback
because I'm like, our brains do not work the same.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
And literally it was I was so swamped.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
And I'm not saying that dads don't feel this way,
but I can speak for myself as a mom.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
When you have it, you know, it's a running joke.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
You got like seventy two web browsers up at one time,
and you're doing seventy two and eleven different things. I
have all these things going on, and then I have
Josh pulling me. I need your time, I need your time,
and I'm like, I don't. I've never said this to
my life.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't have it. I don't know where I'm pulling
it from. I don't have it.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I don't have it, and he just kept saying, but
I need it, but I need it, but I need it,
and it was this incessant. It felt like nagging to me,
and I was like, I felt my back was up
against a wall, and I was just like, this is
the only thing that can go. My kid can't go.
I have to provide for my child. I have to
you know, I can't dip out on being a daughter.
(23:11):
I can't dip out on whatever. I'm like, you should
understand this by now, We're almost six months in, Like,
I can't do this.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I cannot do this. If you're not gonna hear me
and believe me when I'm saying I don't.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Have this, then we can't be partners because there's gonna
be days where someone can give ninety nine percent and
someone can give one percent, and then it's gonna flip flop.
And I'm like, I'm right now at my five percent
or ten percent or whatever it is. And I would
find myself staying up late.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
You know.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
There'd be times where I would get done with a
live later than I wanted to, and then Josh and
I would have conversation an hour later and I wouldn't
you get into bed, and then I'd have to get
back up early.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
And it was like, I can't keep doing this.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
I can't keep doing this. Something has to give. And
it took me saying I can't, I'm done. And a
friend happened to call and talk to me a little bit.
And I'm very private about our like deep down stuff.
I just I don't do it. I don't talk to
people about it because we're in a very, very very
(24:14):
public relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
The last thing I want to do is.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Have the public skew how we deep down genuinely feel.
Because if the public is like, we love you guys together,
and I'm like, he's just not my person. But they
keep saying that, it might make me think, oh wait,
what am I missing?
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Or you know, what am I doing? So let me
say this. When that friend.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Called to talk to me about something different and they
were like, hey, we're noticing or I'm noticing, which was
I thought was insane that they even noticed anything. Not
that I'm trying to hide anything, but just I was
like wow. So he made a few comments, we talked
a little bit more. He's like, well, I'm calling Josh
tomorrow and I said, look, that's fine, and I told
him I was like, well, honestly, this this is I
(25:00):
pretty much ended it because I can't.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
I just can't.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
I don't have the mental capacity or physical I just
can't do it anymore.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
And he was like, oh wow, I did not know
that that's what happened.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
And I said, I still love him, but I have
to feel heard. And I get it he told me
a million times, but I feel like I heard him
and I was being honest and open, was saying I
can't do it. So we had the conversation and then
Josh had the conversation the next day.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
And that's up to you. If you want to speak.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
About that, you can speak about that.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
That's totally your call.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
I mean I think that you know, the the people
obviously we have in our our circle that you know,
have known kind of the good, the bad, the ugly,
have helped, have seen, have kind of tried to, you know,
give advice and be truthful and open and honest with us.
(26:00):
This person didn't say anything earth shattering that instead it
in a different way, dove down a little bit farther
maybe in.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
The thought process, and obviously sees.
Speaker 4 (26:15):
Both of us from a different perspective than you know,
the people that you talk to, the people that I
talked to or the you know.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
The two or whoever you know, are extremely small circle.
Speaker 4 (26:27):
But seeing it from quote unquote, you know, not the
outside in which obviously be in public, a lot of
people see that relationship from the outside, and they don't
see from the inside out or even.
Speaker 3 (26:40):
On the cusp of that.
Speaker 4 (26:43):
So seeing it from there going hey, this, this and
this for you is kind of what i've seen, and this,
this and this for her is kind of what I've seen.
And this is where you guys are missing it. You're
not missing it by far. We weren't missing it by far.
We just weren't clicking. And then there's this little there's
this shift and then all of a sudden, just like
(27:04):
you said, those little things pile up to bigger things.
Speaker 3 (27:08):
This was one of those things.
Speaker 4 (27:09):
It's like, Okay, he's not hearing me or she's not
hearing me or whatever. This is a small thing that
we can fix. And it didn't get fixed because it
just kept you know, you continue to be busy and independent.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
This is where that's where we're at, and.
Speaker 4 (27:23):
I continue to be overthinking and you know, wanting and
all of these things. And it wasn't it became a
bigger thing. But in all a shouty. You probably could
have been fixed a while ago, but I are, you know,
a couple of weeks ago, whenever, you know whatever, we
had the you know.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
This this the bigger conversation right well, I mean, and
I think what it came down to was independent and
not independent and learning to understand each other in that
capacity because being independent. I'm like, Okay, I just got
I got a ton of stuff I have to get
off my list today.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
I still have to be a mom. I still got
to make dinner.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
I still gotta do this. I still got to do that,
which I hate making dinner. But I'm like, I have
all these things going on. For the record, I can
make dinner. I hate doing it.
Speaker 3 (28:10):
You can. You can't make dinner? You just hate it.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
I hate it.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
So it's like, here are all these things that I have,
and I'm like, the most important person that is needing
me right now is my child who cannot finn for himself,
cannot emotionally physically, you know, can't fin for himself. But
I'm like, here's this grown man that I'm coming to,
which I've never done in my life, say I can't
(28:36):
do this.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
I'm coming to him I'm like, he is not hearing me,
He's not listening.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And so eventually, when we both had spoken to our friend,
Josh had called me, you know, we hadn't really talked
a ton, And I say that meaning we hadn't talk
to town like we always do. We normally don't go
like an hour without speaking to each other. So that
weekend was like I don't know, six, eight, nine, ten
(29:04):
out whatever, It was like several hours in between.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
So after he had spoken with a friend as.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Well, it was okay, let's sit down, let's talk about
because I was pissed. I'm like, how in the world
are you not just understanding I give you spend more
time with me than anybody. So it was like I
was trying everything to explain to him, I'm not out
with anyone else. I'm not that he would not that
he said anything about that, but I'm like, I'm not out.
(29:32):
I'm not on the phone with anyone, right, So, like,
I don't have extra time to like not not go out, right,
I'm not going out, So I don't have extra time
to take that away and give to you. I'm not
on the phone all day long with like friends or whatever.
So I don't have that to cut out and give
to you. So it was like, I'm giving you everything
I have. I have nothing more, and to not feel
(29:54):
like I was being heard was super frustrating.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
And all I kept hearing from him was but I
need it, but I need it, but I need it.
Speaker 2 (29:59):
So after he spoke with our friend, He's like, listen,
I don't feel like you need me.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
I don't feel like you want me. I don't feel worthy,
I don't feel whatever.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
So it was like a whole switch once he said,
once you said those things of I want to feel wanted,
I want to feel needed, all of those things, it
was like I didn't feel worthy, and I was like,
but I've never said that to you.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Like you're here, I'm like, you literally are the one
that I.
Speaker 2 (30:23):
Go to bed with that night, wake up with in
the morning, and I'm like, you literally lick every crevice
of my body.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
I'm like, no one else does that. No, I'm like,
no one else does.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
That.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I'm like, what more do you need from me?
Speaker 5 (30:38):
So it was literally just and I'll say it, I
was so thankful that you stopped in your track because
it was a constant.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
It was like the same thing I need this, I
need this, and I'm like a thousand different ways I'm
trying to explain, like, but I don't have it because
of this, or I can't do that because of it.
Like I felt like I was trying to explain so
many different ways to get to understand, and it was
just the same thing he kept coming back with. So
to be able to stop and say, okay, let's dissect it.
I didn't feel worthy, I didn't feel this. I didn't
(31:10):
feel that, and I told him for a minute, one
and he'll tell you right now. What is always key for.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
Me, consistency.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
So when he.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
When he kept asking for my time and I didn't
have it, and I don't mean like I walked around
the house and ignored him and I never tried. That's
not what we're talking about. He wanted extra quality, one
on one time.
Speaker 3 (31:35):
That's want to be fair.
Speaker 4 (31:36):
Some days and this is gonna this is not I'm
gonna say, it's not gonna be some days something at
all because of how busy you.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
Are and time together for me, And what.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
I was quote unquote needing or longing for or wanted
or whatever was not what you were able to give.
So doing what you said help, you know, do his
stuff around the house. I practically live there, like practically
living there practically you know, you know, you're the neighbor
boys like this is Josh's house, but you know, doing
(32:09):
all of those things and being like, hey, I'm here,
I know you. And then the overthinking is of like, hey,
you want me here?
Speaker 3 (32:18):
This is not how you've ever made me feel.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
But I'm trying to I'm trying to get the thought
process for people to understand, and maybe they feel that way.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
I'm I'm I'm here.
Speaker 4 (32:29):
I'm doing all of these things to help us, not
just to help you, but to help us. And then
I felt like I'm like I'm asking for just this whatever.
And when I wasn't you know, getting the answer I wanted,
or it was like, hey, I continue to just I'm
continuing to do what I need to do and what
(32:49):
my heart's telling me to do and what I think
you need me to do each and every day. But
I'm not getting this from you. The frustration part on
your end too, of going geez, like he freaking keeps
asking me.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
Yeah, you know, what did I say?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
I was like, you're I think I called you spoil it,
like I was like, You're I feel like a spoil brat.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
You've asked me the same thing twenty five eleven times
in a row. I've told you I don't have it.
What do you want me to?
Speaker 3 (33:13):
Like?
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Who do you want me to do? What do you
want me to do?
Speaker 4 (33:15):
So?
Speaker 3 (33:16):
Yeah, and on my end it's the same thing.
Speaker 4 (33:18):
It was the same like frustration of like, well, what
the heck am I doing here? Like why am I here?
I'm not able to get this time. I'm you know,
I have stuff. You know, I have stuff to do
that I'm able, Like, it's just this whole it's tough,
and I know this is what.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I well and you expect your expectation was is a
little bit different. I think too, as someone who is
will say not as independent as I am, so mondas or.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
Was, And I think that's another part of me having
to re reevaluate, all right, am I.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
Expecting too much of her right now?
Speaker 4 (33:57):
Because, to be fair, as frustrating And You're like, I
was pissed.
Speaker 3 (34:01):
Shoot, I was pissed. Yeah, day y'all, I was freaking pissed.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
I'm like, I can't even get a kiss, I can't
even get this and legit like and you.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
Got them, but you wanted more. And I was like
this was I swear what? Like I was so mad
at him.
Speaker 2 (34:16):
I'm like, you are literally up my ass asking me
for every.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Like can you can you stop? Like I remember, Oh
my gosh, I'm.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
In love with this woman.
Speaker 4 (34:25):
I mean, we were me saying like more you want
me to I don't want less, like you don't want
me to want less either
Speaker 1 (34:31):
And on that note,
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