Ep. 25; The Real Love Alchemist & Kate Talks Two Broken Off Engagements

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:14):
Personally with.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
Felsman. Happy Monday, everybody, It's a big fun episode. This week.
I have on expert Lindsay Tran, who is known as
the Real Love Alchemist on social media. She helps people
go from bad relationships to real love with some subconscious work.
Then I'm bringing on my friend Kate, who we have
a little difference in age and life experiences. Of course,

(00:38):
she will share her experiences in breaking off to engagements
and her desire to have a kid of her own.
But the pressure of the biological clock is of course looming,
So here we go. Friends. Lindsay Tran is with us today.
She's a certified energy healer and coach, also known as

(01:02):
the Real Love Alchemist on social media. Lindsay, how are
you doing.

Speaker 3 (01:07):
I'm really good, super excited to be here. Thank you
for having me.

Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, of course I would love to know where the
Real Love Alchemist's name came from, because the only other
other time I think I've heard that word us is
in a Taylor Swift song.

Speaker 3 (01:20):
Yeah. Well, actually I didn't get it from Taylor Swift,
but I so. I'm an energy healer and my clients
used to say to me, wow, like this stuff. It
just feels like magic. I was like, oh, I should
do something with that, and so yeah, I came up
with the Real Love Alchemist because I'm just I'm helping
my clients find real love, healthy love, and they like
to call it that too, So I said, all right,

(01:41):
let me let me make this work with putting those
two things together. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:45):
Yeah, well I love the name. I think it's awesome.
And that's obviously why you're here to talk about real love.
And I want to kind of kick this off by
talking about dating today, because dating today is a very
interesting culture and I want to get into it. So
trying to find dating with commitment, how does one ensure

(02:06):
they are dating to do that or being that.

Speaker 3 (02:11):
Oh that's such a good question, and yeah, I mean
dating today it's tough. I would say a lot changed
over the last couple of years, especially since the pandemic.
Like when I started doing this work, it was around
twenty twenty, it was before that stuff went down, So
I have seen a lot changed since then. But there
are just some basic things that you can do, no

(02:33):
matter no matter what's going on in the world to
find commitment. And I think the most important thing is
to just know what you want, and if you really
want commitment, then you don't have to settle for people
who aren't looking for that, because sometimes we say to
ourselves like, yeah, you know, it'd be nice to have
a committed relationship, but we don't lead with that, and

(02:53):
we get ourselves involved in situationships and just things that
aren't going anywhere. So I would say the first thing
is just no knowing what you want and then owning it,
claiming it and say yes, I want a committed relationship,
and then when you go out there, you talk about it.
So it doesn't mean like as soon as you meet someone,
you're like, all right, what are you looking for? But

(03:13):
as you start to get to know them, you do
put it out there. And you can even start by
just asking the other person that you're dating, like, hey,
what are you looking for out of this? And they
can share what they're looking for, and then you share too,
and you say, yeah, you know, I'm looking for something serious,
something committed. And here's the hardest part. If there's a mismatch,
even if you really like them, even if they're checking

(03:36):
all of your boxes, you've got to walk away, which
is so much easier said than done. But that's one
of the biggest things to do as far as if
you're looking for commitment.

Speaker 2 (03:47):
Yeah, and you know, I have found in my dating
I call them adventures now because at this point that's
kind of what they are. But I have found that.
I think everybody would love to have it connection and
everybody is hoping to find someone. But I think there's
a difference in wanting a connection and being ready for it.

(04:11):
How can you like help people determine this. Person may
say they want this, but I don't think that's actually
what's happening here.

Speaker 3 (04:19):
Oh I love that, because that was gonna be the
next thing that I would say. Yeah. So because somebody
can say yes, I want a relationship, some people will
be very upfront with you and they will say yeah, no,
like I'm not looking for something serious. I just want
to have something fun. Or they could even say I'm
open to something serious. I would say, no, they're not
looking for something serious if they're saying that. But if

(04:40):
they're saying they're looking for something serious, then the next
step is you've got to keep your eyes open and
make sure that their actions are matching that. So what
does that look like? So, I mean emotional availability is
something that we talk about a lot, but really that
means like, are they showing up like a person who
would want a serious relationship would show up. So if

(05:02):
they're saying I want something serious, but then they don't
talk to you very much, like they don't ask you well,
they don't set dates, or maybe you only hear from
them like once a week or maybe even once every
couple weeks, and I would say, no, that person probably
is not actually ready for a serious relationship. So really
it's like watching behavior and making sure their actions match

(05:24):
their words. And also emotional availability. That's a huge thing,
like can they show up in a way where they
are present to you, They're not still hung up on
their ex, They've worked through a lot of the major
things in their life where they can actually show up
as a person who's ready for something serious.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
It's funny you mentioned emotional availability because that was my
next thing to get into because I've had my fair share. Listen,
I am someone who is stable, consistent, I'm healthy, I
know what I'm looking for, But somehow I keep running
into people who really really think they're emotionally ready, and

(06:03):
then they meet me and they're like, never mind, im
not I am not ready for what you're bringing to
the table. And that's fine, at least I'm learning that
early on. But how do we know if somebody genuinely
is emotionally available? Are there signs that you can pick
up on in the beginning, maybe without even asking them,
because as we have learned, words don't always match actions.

Speaker 3 (06:26):
Oh yeah, no, and there totally are. And like here's
here's kind of like my key for this, Like, if
you're asking this question yourself, like, am am I emotionally available? Well,
I would say, take a look back at your recent
relationship history, and if all of your partners were emotionally unavailable,
then that probably means that there's some degree of unavailability
that you've got going on, which, like I hate to

(06:48):
say that, and I say that as someone who was
there too, like, yeah, I was emotionally unavailable in the past,
and it can sometimes be hard to see, but it's
also super powerful because if we're in this place where
we're like I don't understand why I keep attracting these
emotionally unavailable partners, then we can't shift it. But if
we can own that, Okay, yes I probably have some

(07:09):
of that going on. If that's my only experience with dating,
but yeah, emotional unavailability. It's so there's so many things
that make up our ability to be available. But it
really does start with being able to understand first what
we're actually feeling. So some of us that's very easy
to do, and for some of us that's actually quite hard.

(07:32):
Like sometimes I think we're wired more emotionally. I know,
like I've been on both sides of this. I have
struggled in the past with really being able to figure
out what the heck am I feeling in this moment,
And then I've gotten really good at it, and now
I can tell you in one second, like here's what
I think. But you know, it does sometimes take some
practice and maybe even some therapy and doing some personal

(07:52):
work energy healing to just clear some of the stuff
that's going on so that you know what you're feeling
in every any given moment. So I would say it
starts with that. It starts with being able to know
what you're feeling, and then being able to express it
when need be, and expressing it in a healthy way,
not shouting, not yelling at people, not blaming, not criticizing,

(08:15):
but saying like, hey, I'm feeling kind of anxious right now,
like can we talk about this? So that's a big
part of it. And then also being comfortable with having
emotional conversations. So, like to answer your question about early dating,
like if you're getting hints that when you start to
bring up something that's maybe like a little bit more serious.
It doesn't have to be like super intense, but if

(08:38):
you're bringing up stuff it's maybe a little bit more heavy,
we could say, and they are shutting that down, they
are like trying to talk about anything but that I
would say that might be a sign that this person
is not super ready for the availability that you're looking for.
And also the ability to set boundaries is huge too.

(08:59):
So like so the other degree, if you're with somebody
and they're just like cool with every single thing that
you do and they never bring up their preferences, they
never bring up when something might be bothering them, they
might not be emotionally available either. There's a lot that
goes into it. I mean we could talk like hours.

Speaker 2 (09:16):
Yeah, no, And again this is baseline because and there's
a few different directions here. I want to go and
I'm gonnat remind me. I would like to talk about
how to tell a healthy partner from an unhealthy one.
That is something I want to address totally. But you
reminded me of something. And it's funny because I am now.

(09:36):
I have had unhealthy relationships. I've had healthier ones as
I've gotten older and I've learned a lot about things.
But even in dating, as you're in these very early
early stages of you know, date one to date seven,
let's give that the date range, when you're learning all
about a person, I just in the last few months
have dated the guy who would drop everything and do

(09:57):
everything for me, and I was like, Okay, I need
you to have some different boundaries because this is too much.
And I've dated the guy who loved to show he
was like really wanted it, and then pulled back, Oh
I really want to. Oh I'm gonna pull back again,
and even to the point of saying why can't why
can't we just have fun? And I was like, whoa,

(10:18):
let me pump the brakes here, because this is not
what you said when we first started talking to each other.
So I have seen the spectrum of people, and this
gets me to the point of knowing an unhealthy situation.
So once you have been in an unhealthy situation is
sometimes hard to recognize healthy. So can you kind of

(10:42):
paint a picture of a healthy partner maybe beyond those
first kind of steps of dating as you really start
to progress someone, because I think we're learning and we're
all growing, but it's sometimes hard to identify a healthy
love and a healthy partner.

Speaker 3 (10:59):
And this is my journey too. Yeah, like I became
the real of alchemists because I had bad relationships and
I was like, I got to I got to figure
this out, Like I don't want this to keep happening.
And you know, so you have.

Speaker 2 (11:09):
Because you did just get married, so very exciting like that.

Speaker 3 (11:12):
Yeah, hopefully I hope that I figured it out. Yeah, No,
I'm very happy now. It's it's like a completely different
relationship from the ones I've had in the past. But no,
you're right, it can be so hard to figure out
what actually healthy love is when you've never had it,
when you haven't had that experience of it. And that
was a big struggle for me too, and that's why
I like, I dove in and I figured it out.

(11:35):
But I feel like I'm still in that process. And
I would say, you know, speaking of emotional availability is
something that I thought to share that sometimes doesn't come
up in like if you just google like how to
tell if you're emotionally available. But something that I've realized
on my own journey is that when we're going from
bad relationships to a more healthier relationship, sometimes we can

(11:55):
swing to the opposite extreme and we find faults in
every single person and we're trying to find this like
perfect healed person and the reality is that that doesn't exist,
Like we're not going to find that. We can find
somebody who's relatively healthy, but everyone's going to have something
going on. So I think the degree to which you
can be a little bit forgiving of certain things, and

(12:18):
I'll tell you when that when that's good to do,
actually speaks to how emotionally available you are. Because people
who are emotionally available and who have had good, healthy
relationships their whole life, they know that someone's not going
to be perfect, they know that there's going to be challenges,
they know that there's going to be things to work on,
so they give you a little grace they can work
with you. And I think sometimes that can be the
hardest thing when we're going from unhealthy relationships, because we

(12:41):
don't want to have that happen again. And so we've
got like egalized out right.

Speaker 2 (12:46):
For anything, the pendulum is totally on the other side
and it's not coming back for.

Speaker 3 (12:50):
A while completely, and like give yourself some grace if
you're there too, Like that is part of the process.
But I would say part of the process is coming
back into balance eventually and realize saying that, Yeah, like
somebody doesn't have to be perfect. But one of the
things that I think does consider does make you a
healthy partner is if you are open to personal growth.
So if you're open to healing, this is what I

(13:11):
was looking for. I knew. I knew at some point
I was like, I'm not I'm not gonna find this
perfect person. Like I've got my stuff, so I can't.
I can't expect somebody else to have this blank slate
and have nothing going on. So I was just looking
for does this person have some self awareness, Like can
they own the stuff that they've got going on? Can

(13:31):
they take feedback from me when I say like, hey,
this thing freaked me out or like this thing hurt me,
can they hear me? And can they then work to
accommodate me within reason? Like, I'm assuming that I'm being
reasonable here in my request. So honestly, I think that's
some of the most important things to look for, the
potential that a person has to actually grow and change

(13:53):
with you in a relationship. So that was, honestly, that
was my number one thing that I was like that,
I've got it, Like my partner. My partner is a therapist,
so he's like, yeah, he gets it. And somebody who's
also willing to apologize, because again, we're going to mess up.
We are not perfect people here. We're going to say
things that we don't mean. We're going to hurt our

(14:15):
partner even if we're not meaning to. And so somebody
that can own that and say, yeah, like I apologize,
I'm going to try to do better next time. And
someone who you really just feel safe with, will you
feel like your nervous system can just kind of go ah,
like maybe it doesn't they don't have the the super
exciting fireworks that maybe past relationships had they were more unhealthy.

(14:39):
Of course, attraction is important, you have to be attracted,
but someone who you feel like you can exhale with,
who it just feels like this person is home to you,
and I say that with like a little astro. It's
like not home in the sense of like if you
had an unhealthy upbringing where it feels like, oh this
is super familiar, but no, where you feel like you
have this the sense of a team with this person,

(15:02):
like they're showing up for you, they're emotionally available, they're consistent,
and they want to be with you. So that's just
like a little bit of what you can look for
as far as transitioning into a healthy relationship.

Speaker 2 (15:15):
Yeah, and you mentioned consistent there, and I this is
my phrase, consistency is sexy. That is like my go
to phrase.

Speaker 3 (15:24):
I love it. I love it because you never.

Speaker 2 (15:26):
Until I got probably late twenties and now to where
I'm at my life, I never realized how important consistency
was for me. I like, I think, especially having unhealthy
or toxic relationships or however they look, you feel that chaos,
and that chaos drives you to the opposite of what
you're saying of like calmness, No, chaos don't bring me anything.

(15:50):
But that middle ground is consistency, Like who you are
is consistent. And I have often said that's my number
one thing I'm looking for. The communication is so important,
And of course there's I have a laundry list of
things I'm looking for, but the first thing I'm paying
attention is how you're interacting with the world and how
consistent you're being within those regions of different things. Would

(16:12):
you agree that that's like a really important factor as well.

Speaker 3 (16:15):
Oh, one hundred percent. Yeah, And I would say that
like that kind of goes with integrity too, Like I
had that eye on my list as well, like somebody
who could be consistent and who had integrity, which kind
of speaks to like, yes, they would do what they
said they would do. It feels like this person is
not hiding things from me, they're just being real with me.
And yes, they are consistent. They show up, they're not

(16:37):
running away when the conversations get tough or when there's
a conflict. So yeah, completely, I would recommend looking for
that too.

Speaker 2 (16:44):
Oh yeah, okay, good listen.

Speaker 1 (16:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (16:48):
I like the confirmation that we're headed in the right direction.
So I also want to talk to I think there's
also we're mentioning some toxic and not as calm relationship,
and you mention that firework feeling and often that people
refer to as butterflies and I saw when you're posts
on social media talking about this, and I thought it

(17:09):
was so interesting because I've experienced many different kinds of
butterflies in my dating, good, bad, everywhere in between. What
your thoughts on this, like, what are butterflies and what's
the situation with them? Should we be avoiding them, happy
that they're around? What's going on? Oh?

Speaker 3 (17:26):
Yeah, yeah? Butterflies? Man, they could be super confusing because,
like you said, you can feel all kinds of different
sensations down there and they can mean a lot of
different things. So you know, my stance on it is
that I would not go by butterflies to tell you anything,
because typically their thought of is just like sensations in
the stomach, and you can have those kinds of sensations

(17:49):
when you're excited, when you're turned on well, but also
when you're feeling unsafe, when you're feeling anxious. So like,
if that's that's the deal with butterflies, then I I
just tell my clients like, don't don't go by them,
Like it's nice to notice when they're there, and you
can you can say, oh, I feel butterflies. Maybe I
want to investigate that a little bit more like what
is that actually telling me what am I feeling here?

(18:12):
Sometimes they can even be present when we feel love,
So it's it's super confusing. And I just say, like,
throw the butterfly thing away, like it really is not
a reliable indicator for whether someone's right for you or
wrong for you, because it could be present in so
many different situations. Such a good question, thank you.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
Oh yeah, but and it's so hard, right because I
have grown up on Disney movies and I've been taught
that butterflies are what you're looking for, like you should
be swept off your feet. Heck, even Princess Diaries taught
me that I should be foot popping when I'm kissing
you know what I mean. Like, there's so many levels
of this, So I love that you said it has
multiple levels and maybe just like use it as your

(18:52):
body's reacting to something and nothing more than that.

Speaker 3 (18:55):
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Like don't if you're asking for just
straight up advice, don't go by butterflies. Yeah, like can
mean so many different things.

Speaker 2 (19:02):
Yeah, Oh that's good. Okay, but I'm glad we made
sure to squash that little bug, if you will. I
also want to talk about I think there's this kind
of this perception around people who jump from relationship to relationship,
good and bad. Right, There's some people who are like, oh,
good for them. There's other people like, holy crap, what
are they doing? What is this situation with people who

(19:26):
jump to relationship to relationship that you've seen? Is this
more normal or is it something that we shouldn't be doing?
How do we know we're healing? Like this kind of
baseline of just jumping from a relationship to relationship.

Speaker 3 (19:40):
Yeah, I like to talk about that because I was
that person in my past, Like I pretty much jumped
from a ten year marriage into another relationship, and yeah,
it really was just a matter of a couple of months,
So I could totally relate to being in that place.
And you know, I would say if I put myself

(20:00):
in my head at that time, there were a number
of different reasons why I was doing that, and a
lot of them are unconscious. That's why I'm a big
on subconscious work. But some of the reasons were I
didn't want to be alone because I had been in
this relationship for so long and the thought of starting
over again completely and being single for a while just

(20:21):
completely filled me with dread. I just felt like, oh,
it's so daunting, I don't want to do it now.
This was not completely conscious, but that was going on
in the back of my mind. And the other reason
was I had told myself which was not actually true,
but I had told myself that I had done a
lot of the grieving while in the relationship because it

(20:41):
was a long time coming. Like I didn't just pop
out of there. I had done a lot of work
to get to that point, and I thought I was
over it at that point, which was not completely not true,
but that's what I was thinking at the time. And
also I was trying to avoid the deep pain, the
deep grieving that I really actually needed to do before

(21:03):
getting into a relationship. So I thought, well, I'll just
pop in here and like I'll just feel better and
that'll be it. I'll just be good. So I think
a lot of those reasons are why people jump from
relationship to relationship. Now I can't speak for everyone here,
but that's usually what I see, like some variation of
those or even all of them going on at once.
And I would say, like, no judgment, if you want

(21:25):
to do that, cool, but I would say if you're
if you're looking to break the cycle of these painful relationships,
you probably do want to pause because it's very different
actually being single after a relationship and taking that time
to figure out who am I now, how did I
get to this point and what do I actually want

(21:47):
moving forward? Because I from my experience, you can't get
that kind of perspective while you're in the relationship with somebody,
Even if you think you've done all the processing, like
you've done all the work, it's different when you're single.
It's different when you're out of that relationship. So I mean,
unfortunately I do see it a lot. But again, if
you're trying to break the cycle of painful relationships, I

(22:08):
would not recommend relationship hopping.

Speaker 2 (22:11):
And do you feel like as long as you've really
gone through that grieving process, there's not really this timeline
for that, because I also know that people have kind
of different experiences with how quickly they bounce back, some longer,
some shorter. So do you feel like as long as
you've in that single time frame, like while you've truly
been alone, like grieved that relationship, that can kind of

(22:34):
timeline look different.

Speaker 3 (22:36):
Well, yeah, yeah, it can could be completely different. Now
if you've done a lot of that grieving while in
the previous relationship, then yeah, maybe it wouldn't take that
long for you, but for some people it can take
quite a long time. And that's okay. There's no judgment
on this. There's no like you have to be done
by this amount of time. No, you take as much
time as you need. And I would also say, while

(22:57):
you're taking that time, it's super important to make sure
that you're doing like a almost like an autopsy on
your past relationship and just really understanding what went wrong,
which you want to be different, and what you want
moving forward, because it's pretty easy if you're trying to
jump quickly into the next relationship to go, well, I
know what I don't want, But then you might just

(23:18):
pop back into the same thing if you don't realize
what you're actually looking for. That's different. So yeah, there's
no timeline on this, not at all.

Speaker 2 (23:27):
No, that's super important. And you did also mention in
talking about the subconscious work that you do. I would
love to hear some more about this. Is there particular
subconscious work. So take me as your example, throw me
to the fire, because that's what I'm here for. I
feel like a really healthy person. I've done a lot

(23:48):
of work, I continue to grow. That's always going to
be something that's part of my life, and I'm available
and I'm consistent. I feel like I am the example
of someone who I feel like I'm ready when that
time comes. But is there something I can still be doing?
Because I'm a big believer in that you're always evolving,
So is there something I can be doing? Or even

(24:10):
somebody who's on the polar opposite spectrum of me becau's
not at already or wants to be ready? What subconscious
work do we need to be doing to find our
kind of perfect relationship perfect in star quotes, because nothing
is perfect. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 (24:25):
I do know what you mean. Yes, yes, And I
love talking about this. So yeah, Like in your case,
I would say you might be good. But if you
start to notice that you're talking to someone and you're
getting a little triggered, and maybe some thoughts are running
through your head like oh am I good enough? Or
maybe I'm feeling some shame about this, or I'm feeling
like some anxiety around this situation, that might be your

(24:48):
clue that there's something deeper going on, and you can
do some subconscious work. And also, like if you're just
feeling any kind of suffering, if you are walking around
feeling not enough in some way, or like even very
pessimistic about dating. If you feel like, oh, there's just
no good men out there or I'm never going to
find somebody, then that's a pretty big clue. But there's

(25:08):
something subconscious going on. So as far as the kind
of work you can do, I mean, anything that addresses
the subconscious is helpful. My favorite way is energy healing.
That's what I do. But it's really just a matter
of getting in there and moving through what's being held
in your system. So that could be emotions from the past,
there could even be negative beliefs that are being held
in there. And doing whatever modality that you feel drawn

(25:32):
to to clear the energies, clear the emotions, process them.
It's another way of saying that and rewire some of
those negative beliefs that might be in there. It's a
game changer when it comes to relationships.

Speaker 2 (25:43):
Can you break down the energy healing part from me?
Because I have worked with somebody here locally who she
doesn't go by that. She's also a massage therapist, but
she has energy healing techniques and they've benefited me greatly.
And I told people about it and everybody thought I
was absolutely wild, and I was like, no, no, no,
you got to wait until your body feels this. It's

(26:05):
so crazy. So can you break down kind of what
that looks like for you, the energy healing side of things.

Speaker 3 (26:10):
Oh yeah, yeah, And everybody does it a little bit differently.
But how I do it is I'm using intuition and
then also muscle testing to get information from your subconscious.
So let's say you're coming to me and you're saying, hey, Lindsay,
I'm doing pretty well, but I'm noticing that I'm getting
a little bit triggered lately and I'm starting to feel
like I'm not good enough in certain ways. So what
I would do is I would just tune in again

(26:31):
through intuition to your subconscious and ask you're subconscious very directly,
what's going on here? What do we need to clear
for you? And so sometimes there's like what I call
trapped emotion, suppressed emotional energies, and sometimes there's negative beliefs.
Sometimes there's a whole bunch of other stuff that comes up.
But really what I do is I clear it through intention,
So that means I put my hand on my heart

(26:52):
and I hold the intention for that energy to be released.
And the crazy thing is that's what releases it. It
blows my mind every time. But intention is so powerful.
So whether you're like sitting next to me in this
room here or you're across the world, I can still
connect to your energy and do work on that level.
It's it's pretty incredible.

Speaker 2 (27:13):
Yeah wow, Okay, so this is so similar to what
I did. I love what you do and I think
the work is really important, even for all the people
who are like I don't believe it, Just give it
a try. You never know. Like everything I say, one
thing I strongly believe is we're always evolving in one
is that you never know something works until you try
it for yourself. So that's the only way you can tell.

(27:34):
And it's so funny you say this because one of
the things she did this whole kind of process on
me as well, but similar in that she also is like,
you have some strings here that are tied to certain
people and things, and I'm just gonna we're gonna clear
it all out. It's like kind of like cobwebs, Like
girlfriend they're just all gonna be gone. And I'm like, okay,
clear it just, you know what, give me a base

(27:56):
starting point of something new. And it did feel like
this just strained sensation, and I wish I could explain
it so much better, but I just felt like there
was just a weight lifted in a way where there
just wasn't this connection anymore that I was waiting or
hoping or praying for, however you want to go about it.
And I say all this to say so ironically like

(28:20):
I have an animal. I've pets. I have a dog
and a cat, but my dog and I are seriously
bonded and I do so much for her, more than
I probably do for myself. And what's so crazy is
I've never considered this for myself. But when I was
training my dog to become a therapy animal, one of
the things the trainers, like dog trainers, told me was

(28:42):
if you are having a bad day and you hold
that leash, your dog will have a bad day. And
they're like, it's all about the energy transference from you
through that lead to your dog. And until the energy
massage happened, and that piece of information that happened four
or five years apart, right, all came together and I
was just sitting there on my couch like what has

(29:04):
happened to me? I didn't know any of this existed
in what's going on, So all of that and all
those stories to say, like, cannot believe more in what
you're doing. And also just for someone who is like
a little I guess unsure that it would help or
do something like this does help. This benefits people so widely.

Speaker 3 (29:25):
Oh, I'm so glad you shared that. Thank you, because yeah,
you're a testament to it. And I, like, I was
a super skeptical person before entering this world, so like
I get it. It really is kind of out there,
but it is the kind of thing where you just
have to try it and see for yourself. And like,
I'll be real, it's not for everyone. Not every modality
is not for everyone, but for a lot of people,

(29:46):
including myself, it's been life changing. And yeah, we can
actually do work on animals too. That's the crazy part
in all this that yeah they can hold stuff too,
and they're very much affected by our energy. So I
love that trainers are telling me that it's so true.

Speaker 2 (30:02):
It is well, And like I said, it was like
all the pieces started to just kind of collide together,
and I'm like, Okay, of course I did this for
her five years ago, but I never once seemed to
think that this could be the same with me and
other people existing in my world or objects or whatever
it may be. And it was just that kind of
light bulb finally went off, like it was there and

(30:23):
it needed to be like turned on in a way.
So I just I think it's really awesome. And I'm
probably sure that you do have a lot of people
that can be set skeptical. So I want to be
someone that tells you I love the work you're doing,
and I think it's important. I do want to also.
And this is totally different, different sub level here, but
we were talking about relationships and something I would love

(30:46):
to ask because this is a hot topic on social
media and I have my own personal opinion about it,
but is it ever okay to go back to an
X or somebody you once dated?

Speaker 1 (31:00):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (31:00):
I know, hot topic, So yeah, somebody once stated for
a little bit a full blown X that you were
in a relationship, any of the spectrum speaking generally here,
is it ever okay?

Speaker 3 (31:13):
Yeah? Great question, and I would say yes, in some
cases it is. I mean, I'm never going to tell
you like black and whites except for saying that like,
but no, I think there are some situations. For sure,
you can go back to an ex, but I would
say some specific qualifications have to be met, so I
would not go back to an ex if nothing has changed,

(31:36):
Like there's a reason why that relationship didn't work out,
So you would have to make sure that you were
a different person, they were a different person. You guys
have talked about what happened, what went wrong, what you're
now doing differently in order to make that relationship work.
And I've seen this. I've seen this with a client sometimes,
you know, we work on relationships. People do get back

(31:58):
together and they're happy and it works. So sometimes it
doesn't though, And it really it all comes down to
have both of you done the work from that previous
relationship and are you now different people where it can
work out. So yeah, it's a controversial topic, but no,
I have seen it work out, so I can say, yes,

(32:18):
there are situations where it can, but things have to
be different because it's not the same relationship as it
was before. If it is probably not going to work out.

Speaker 2 (32:28):
Yeah, and that is my very controversial opinion on it.
If it it, I think it's different when you just
maybe dated a little bit, there was a few dates
and the timing didn't work out, you know, whatever it
may be, and you're just not grown enough to do
what you needed to do for that relationship. But when
I see specifically x'es, I'm like they I firmly stand

(32:49):
by that they are an ex for a reason. Mostly
most of the time. Unfortunately, there's a reason why that happened.
So I do have that controversial opinion, But I love
what you said, which is, you know, if you are
gonna do this and you're gonna wait in those waters,
make sure things have changed for both of you.

Speaker 3 (33:12):
That person has tried to go back into the ex
and like, what am I doing if like I'm banging
my head against the wall, it's just the same thing.
But yes, I do, like I said, I've seen it
where people have really committed to doing the work and
they are different and they show up different and then
you have a different relationship and it can work out.
But I completely agree with you, like, there's a lot
of reasons why ex'es are exes, and often people don't

(33:36):
change and that's okay, but that just means there's something
different for us out there.

Speaker 2 (33:40):
M hmm. Well, please end us with a piece of
advice because I do I've also had those experiences and
I can I can proudly say that now because I
have done that, I have gone back what I should have.
So you know, you live and you learn. But I
do want you to give us a little piece of
hope to end this on, because I, as much as

(34:00):
I wish to be a skeptic and pessimistic, despite everything
I have been through, I still firmly believe in love
and I think it's a beautiful thing that all of
us do deeply want, no matter how hard it is
to find and accomplish. So please give us a little
bit of hope if you will, like a hopeful piece
of advice.

Speaker 3 (34:21):
Yeah, no, I'd be happy too. And I will preface
this by saying, like I have been a person who
has completely lost hope in in finding healthy love. And
what I would say to my past self and I'll
say to anyone else out there, is if you believe
it's possible, even like the slightest, tiniest like what do
they say, like a mustard seed of faith. If you

(34:42):
have a little bit of faith that love is possible
for you, then it can happen. And so I would say,
do whatever work you can do to get to the
place where you have that little bit of faith, because
that will lead you to the love that you're looking for.
It is absolutely possible for you. I've seen it in
all ages, all circumstances. If you do believe it's possible,

(35:06):
then it can happen for you. And yeah, it's happened
for me too, and it's happened for a lot of
people I've worked with. So, yeah, there is so much
love out there. We just have to open up to it.
I can leave you with that too. A lot of
times we have so many blocks to it that we
actually can't see it. But if we can do the
work to open up to it, yeah it's there, and
it might not look like what you thought it would

(35:28):
look like, but it's one hundred percent there for you.

Speaker 2 (35:31):
Oh I love that. Well, lindsay, thank you so much.
You are the alchemists, the real love alchemist. I hope
people have learned some things and taken some things from this,
but thank you for joining me.

Speaker 3 (35:41):
Oh it's my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2 (35:49):
Friends. I am joined by another one of my friends.
Welcome Kate to the podcast. Hello, how does it feel
to be in here?

Speaker 1 (35:57):
It's exciting. I'm really excited.

Speaker 2 (35:58):
I'm so glad you said that. Everybody comes in here
and they're like, I'm a little nervous. I'm like, why
we're literally friends.

Speaker 1 (36:04):
Yeah, it's not going to be anything we haven't talked
about before, so I know.

Speaker 2 (36:07):
I I text you, I was like, can we have
that like same conversation that we basically had at a bar,
but on the podcast. Sure, So that's what we're doing.

Speaker 1 (36:15):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
I brought you on here because you can give some
more insights. So we are different in age. I'm thirty one.

Speaker 1 (36:22):
I'm about to be thirty nine.

Speaker 2 (36:24):
Yes, so we have like some you have more life
experience than I do in some situations.

Speaker 1 (36:30):
Yet a little bit.

Speaker 2 (36:31):
And you've been previously engaged.

Speaker 1 (36:34):
Twice, yes, twice.

Speaker 2 (36:36):
So you've had just a lot of experiences in the
realm of relationships dating someone now just so many things.
So I wanted to bring you on to provide even
further insight as someone who's a little bit older and
who's been going through so much of the same things.
As me, just on a different scale. So give us
a little like dating history backdrop.

Speaker 1 (36:58):
Uh So, like you had said, I've been engaged twice.
So the whole reason I live in the South now
is because of a boy. I was dating a guy.
We were in San Diego. He was getting out of
the Marine Corps. He's from Alabama, and he's like, oh,
let's go. Just graduated university, and I thought, why not?

(37:20):
This is a life experience, and uh so I moved
to Alabama. And ironically, the day he proposed, I had
called my girlfriend that morning and I was like, I
think I'm gonna break up with him, Like I'm miserable,
I hate this relationship. I'm ready to move on. And
she was like no, no, no, no, like it's fine, everything's fine.

(37:42):
And yeah. Then he proposed that night, and it was horrible.
He grabbed the wrong hand. I didn't even say yes.
I think I might have said no, but there was
like so much commotion that like nobody knew what was happening.
Uh So, Yeah, So we were engaged for a little while,
didn't work out. Then I ended up meeting another guy.

(38:03):
We broke up, obviously, met another guy. Moved from Mobile
to Tuscaloosa with this guy, and we dated for like
seven or eight years before we finally got engaged. That
engagement was also I actually said yes that time, let's prefacize.
I said, yes that time engaged, Yes, yeah, you know,

(38:26):
but it kind of went downhill, like there were just
issues within our relationship that he couldn't get over, I
couldn't get over. We did couple's therapy, we did all
this stuff, and we couldn't make it work. So I
actually got a phone call from somebody here in Nashville
and they were like, Hey, could you interview somebody for

(38:48):
us for this job? And I was like sure, or
you could just give it to me, I'll do it,
and they were like really, and I said yes, and
I moved to Nashville. So the first time I moved
to a city was not for a boy. Was very
your own career, yes, and then uh, yeah that it
was just dating during COVID and like dating in a
new city where I didn't know anybody. And it's been, uh,

(39:12):
it's been a journey.

Speaker 2 (39:14):
It's been a very large journey, which is what we've
talked about a whole lot, just some of the similar experiences.
I want to go to these engagements a little bit
because you have such like who you are is so joyful,
but still like you're still optimistic, but there's also pain
and there's also hard emotions that have come with all

(39:35):
of that. So you're not you're not void of any
of that, but you've for someone who has gone through
two broken off engagements, like you're still optimistic and you're
still hopeful. Yeah, so when you broke off those engagements,
like what was that like for you?

Speaker 1 (39:49):
Were you just.

Speaker 2 (39:50):
Like like kind of walk me through your feelings and
your experiences that you were having, and they're probably different
for each one, so walk me through each one.

Speaker 1 (40:00):
The first one was just like literally I was sitting
I think I was in a Walmart parking lot and
it was raining outside, and I was on the phone
with my mom crying and she's like, are these happy tears?
And I'm like, no, these are not happy tears, Like
I don't want to marry this guy. I don't like
him anymore. All we do is fight, like I'm miserable,

(40:23):
and she's like, then don't marry him, Like what is
the point. So it was just this sense of relief
almost like I was I because like I said I
was going to break up with him that morning, and
then we got engaged that evening. So it was this
sense of relief because I felt trapped when he proposed.

(40:43):
I was like, oh my god, I'm trapped.

Speaker 2 (40:44):
Now. Did you also feel like he was just on
a completely different page, Like how did he think?

Speaker 1 (40:51):
He told my dad? Because both guys actually asked my
dad called and asked my dad like, Hey, I want
to marry Kate, like is it okay? Do I have
your blessing? And my Dad's response to both of them
is basically, you can ask her, but if she says no,
I can't help you. Like she's gonna say what she

(41:13):
wants to say. She's gonna do what she wants to do.
Nobody can tell her otherwise, so you can ask. I
don't care. But he had The first guy had told
my Dad I feel like this is just the next thing.
This is just what you do. And when I found
that out later, like that really solidified for me that like, Okay,
you made the right choice, because I don't want to

(41:34):
marry somebody that's like, oh, that's just what you do.

Speaker 2 (41:37):
Like this is the next phase because it has to
be yeah versus like, I really want to do this.

Speaker 1 (41:41):
I'm in love with your daughter exactly exactly, So I was.
I was very relieved after that one. The second one
was a lot harder to get over because we were
together for so long and we had you know, we
had a home together, we were making all these plans together.

(42:02):
We had like a wall in our living room that
literally said like our last name or what are my
last name would have been? And it was pictures of
us and our families and this It was like a
big family tree thing. And so that one was a
little bit harder. There was a lot of sadness, and
part of it goes back to and you can relate,

(42:24):
like when you're in high school, you're like, oh my god.
By the time I'm twenty five, I'm gonna be married
and I'm gonna have two kids. And I'm sitting there
in my early thirties and I'm like, oh god, another
one is failing. What am I doing wrong? What did
I do wrong?

Speaker 2 (42:39):
Like?

Speaker 1 (42:40):
And it kind of got to a place where I thought,
am I the problem is? It? Is it me?

Speaker 2 (42:45):
Like?

Speaker 1 (42:46):
Am I not lovable? You know? What is it here?
And it took a long time for me to realize that,
like when they say, you know, one door closes and
another one opens. It was one of those like that
was not meant for me. I would be so miserable

(43:06):
right now. I would probably be divorced by now. Like
everything that was kind of promised to me by this
person was being broken even before we like got to
certain stages. So it was like it was the first
was looking out for you.

Speaker 2 (43:24):
It just was hard to feel and hard to experience,
especially when it was the second time.

Speaker 1 (43:28):
Yeah, because it's hard, you know. And then at the
same time, like everybody goes through breakups, but like I
don't know a lot of other people that have gone
through two failed engagements one maybe, but two, Like who
do you talk to? Like how do you relate that
to somebody? How are they going to understand that? So

(43:51):
it was it was interesting, very sad, lots of tears,
and I thought I was over it. I thought like
after I moved away to a completely new city, I
thought everything was great. And then that's when I called
you a couple weeks back and I was like, Okay,

(44:11):
we got go, we gotta go have a drink. Things
are happening because my ex ended up coming to Nashville
getting drunk and texting me like I come here all
the time and think of you, and I'm like, what
the hell You're.

Speaker 2 (44:26):
Like, don't put me back on this freaking roll acape,
please please don't.

Speaker 1 (44:31):
And they're just it flooded all these emotions back that,
like what if you just would have stayed, What if
you just would have stayed, What if you just would
have tried, You'd be married by now, you'd probably have
a kid by now, you'd have all these things in
your life that you don't have now. And now you're
one step closer to forty and you don't have any
of those things. And it really just like I mean,

(44:54):
you saw me, like it broke me because I was
like what am I doing? And it was hard. It
was hard, but I think going through that made me
realize like, Okay, there's so many other things that I
was meant to do, Like there's still time for me

(45:16):
to get married. Okay, Like I get married at forty
so wet. People are having babies at forty five, so wet.
So it's it's hard to get out of that mindset
of like, well, by this time, I want to do this,
but I'm starting to realize that I don't have to
have a timeline necessarily. I want to get married. I
don't need to put a timeline on it. Maybe I

(45:37):
get married when I'm seventy. Who knows, Like I want
to do it, I don't have to do it tomorrow.

Speaker 2 (45:46):
Do you feel like and there's just so many different,
like you know, directions I want to go with this,
but particularly right now, do you feel like though having
broken off both of those engagements, do you feel like
it at least helped you? See, I want to get married,
but I don't want to be in the wrong marriage.

Speaker 1 (46:05):
Yes, yeah, I want to get married, but I don't
want it to be to the wrong person. Because with
the with the second engagement, I actually had already gotten
my dress, and that dress was not cheap, so we
had spent I think it was close to almost six

(46:27):
grand on this wedding dress. And you want to talk
about a sign from above. It came in, it didn't fit,
it was cut incorrectly. I couldn't like zip it up.
There was parts of the lace on the bottom of
it that were missing, just straight up missing, and it

(46:52):
was just it was horrific. So I had to fly
my mom from San Diego to Tuscaloosa. Then we had
a drive from Tuscaloosa to it Lasta to go to
the dress shop, and the bridal people were like, we'll
just refund you if you want, and I was so
I was devastated, but we had already started having these

(47:13):
problems that I was like, all right, it signed from above.
I'm I'm gonna get six grand back now. Thank you
so much.

Speaker 2 (47:18):
So didn't get it refunded.

Speaker 1 (47:20):
I got it refunded. I got you know, I didn't
have to look at that dress anymore. Although I was
scrolling through photos on my phone the other day and
I was like, ooh, God, delete those. But yeah, So
it was like, like you said, it was a sign
from the universe. Everything was telling me like, hey, don't
do this, like something else is going to come for you.

(47:41):
Don't do this.

Speaker 2 (47:41):
But are you do you allow yourself like especially in
those moments like when you did call me and you
and he had kind of reached back out and was
kind of inserting him back into your life, did you
remind yourself of that? Like was that helpful for you
to be like? No, there there was this reason, like
I don't want a bad marriage, like yes, I like,
there's something that you feel in your heart you so

(48:02):
desperately want. You desperately want to be married.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
Just like me.

Speaker 2 (48:06):
Yeah, you desperately hope to have a kid of your
own like also same, but there's also this like boundary
now that you won't cross to get it. Like before,
I felt, especially in my early twenties, like so desperate
to have it, you know what I mean, Like I
would do anything. I'd put up with anything. There wasn't
a try a way, I wouldn't try something just in

(48:28):
the hopes.

Speaker 1 (48:28):
That it would work out.

Speaker 2 (48:29):
Yeah, But then once I had enough bad experiences, it
was like, Okay, I'm not that desperate like I want it, Yeah,
but the desperation of wanting that is gone. Did you
feel like that happened for you?

Speaker 1 (48:41):
Yeah, it's it's that you feel like you can change
them kind of thing. You're like, I'm stick around because
I can change them. That as I've gotten older, has
gotten shorter, I'm like, I'm really learning like quickly into
things that hey, if you're not doing this, okay the
same for me, you know, and putting you know, a

(49:04):
limit on it, like hey, like with my not my
last fiance, but the last guy was dating. We had
dated for a couple of years, and before we broke up,
about three months before, I had said, hey, I am
unhappy we you know, we don't go out and do anything.
We barely spend any time together. We live together, and
we barely spend time together. So like, this has to

(49:25):
change or we're going to be done. And he did
not take me seriously. And about three months later, because
I said, I'm giving you until the end of the year,
three months later we broke up and I was like,
I told you I was unhappy. I told you this
was going to happen if we didn't change. We didn't change,
and we're done because I just you can't. As you

(49:46):
get older, you realize you don't have the time, you know,
like aside from like your biological clock, all these other
things like I just mentally don't have the time, like
fining energy, yeah, stuff like that, And I don't want
to put the energy I do have into those people,
Like I'd rather put that energy into something that I

(50:06):
want to do, something that's fun, something that makes me
feel good.

Speaker 2 (50:10):
And I do want to also have you talk about
because you talked about how like there wasn't a lot
of people for you to talk to about hopefully like
these two broken off engagements. And that's another reason why
I wanted to have you one, because hopefully one for you,
there are other people out there that maybe can relate
to you, and those conversations can start to happen for people,

(50:30):
because it's the whole purpose of this right is to
feel less alone in what you're going through.

Speaker 1 (50:35):
Yeah, it's it's a really weird. There are clubs, like
I will call them clubs that you're a member of
and you feel like you're the only member of that
club until you say it out loud and people start going,
oh my gosh, I'm in that club. So like I'm
a lot more comfortable with it now, so like and

(50:58):
I'll just forget, like it's not an normal thing. So sometimes,
like when I'm in a group of people and we're
talking and it's people that don't really know me, I'm like, oh, yeah,
and that failed engagement, well two of them and they're
like wait what, And they'll be like, wait, I had
a failed engagement. And so I think if you can
talk about it, you'll find that there's more people that
have done the same thing. They've gone through the same thing,

(51:20):
but everybody looks at it like, oh, you failed at
getting married, so like something's wrong with you. No, nothing's
wrong with me, nothing's wrong. Like everything's okay. We're just
gonna talk about it some more and figured.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
Out how the wrong people to have in your circle too, right,
that's how part learned. Yeah, okay, you're not meant to
be a part of my life. Yeah, if you feel
that way, because I never once, any time you have
ever talked to me about any of that, been like, oh,
well you know this is her fault.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
Yeah she has issues.

Speaker 2 (51:47):
Every time I was like okay, well there was a reason. Yeah,
you know, and like I felt very strongly about that,
like there's something better out there for you, and that's
how it should be. So if anybody does out there
also have something in their circle, was like making them
feel the shame of that, Yeah, please like leave whatever
that is or don't talk to them about it if
it's blood related and you don't have a choice and

(52:09):
they're part of your family. But I you know, that's
one thing I also hope too, is people just stop
feeling shame for having life experiences.

Speaker 1 (52:17):
Yeah, like there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with it, like
I I would rather have that experience than not. And
I actually was talking to somebody that I'm now dating,
and when we first started dating, we were talking and
I was like, oh, yeah, well, just like to put

(52:38):
it all out there, like I've had to failed engagements
and they were like, well, that's all right, I'm divorced.
I have a failed marriage. He's like, at least you
didn't get to where I got, like, and we were
making a joke about it, but it's like, you know,
that's just an experience, Like that's something that has shaped
me to be who I am. It's maybe made me
a little softer places where I wouldn't have been soft before.

(53:00):
And it allows me to see people in a light
that maybe I didn't see him before because we're all
going through stuff. We're all dealing with something, so we
have to have that little bit of grace with everybody
as we're dealing through throughout the day.

Speaker 2 (53:15):
Yeah, and you know, it's it's become a thing, especially
in just the dating culture of talking about dating, where
everybody's like, well, once you hit thirty, if you're single,
like I want nothing to do with that. There's a
reason you are, and it goes both ways. Girls say
about women, or girls say about men and men say
about women. It goes both ways. And I've just never
been a huge cheerleader of that because I don't think

(53:39):
because your age has anything to do with what you
bring to the table, like just because you're at a
certain point. And I think things are so much different now,
Like when our parents were growing up, it was so
popular to get married right away. Yeah, you were heck
barely out of your teens and you were married. My

(54:00):
mom was married at twenty one. Yeah, and you had
all these experiences like that so young. And now it's
so much more popular to wait. And I'm so so
glad that we're in that era because genuinely, I was
talking to somebody about this the other day where it
was like, I love you know, I just got back

(54:20):
from an amazing Europe trip where I had the time
of my life and I was so free and I
met so many boys and I had fun experiences. Yeah,
And had I been married at this point in my life,
I would never have those stories. I would never have
those experiences to remember. I would have taken that trip
with a partner and it would be vastly different. Amazing

(54:43):
and a different experience. But I'm so thankful, Like I'm
the person who is literally living up every version of
the single thing. So when I do get married, it's
not me talking to the single people being like, hey,
I wish I was single again, please live it up
for me. I'd be like, no, no, no, I did all that.
I'm good. Like I lived my days.

Speaker 1 (55:03):
Yeah, I did my experiences. I've done I've done my
time as a single part. Yeah, it's it's fun to
do those things. I know that I had. Also, I
saw on your page like during the holidays talking about
like it's Christmas and you want to be coupled up.
This was my first Christmas alone in like ten years.

Speaker 2 (55:23):
How did that feel for you?

Speaker 1 (55:25):
It I was. I was actually fine with it up
until I was talking to my best friend and I
was like, I was like, yeah, no, I'm gonna wake
up alone on Christmas and like I said it like
that because it's just what it is. And she started crying.

Speaker 2 (55:41):
No, you aren't even the one cry I wasn't even
the one crying. I'm like, why are you crying?

Speaker 1 (55:45):
And she's like, you're gonna be alone on Christmas? And
I'm like Okay, Well, now I'm crying because I'm gonna
be alone on Christmas. And I was like, why am
I crying? I'm gonna get up. I'm gonna make a
cup of coffee. I'm gonna sit in front of my
pretty Christmas tree with my dogs. I'm gonna make myself
whatever breakfast I want to eat, like I'm gonna have
a great day, you know, like I don't have to

(56:07):
wait for somebody else to get up so we can
open presents and what do you want to eat? What
do you want to want? Like, no, I got to
do whatever I wanted to do. So leading up to it,
I would say about two or three days before, I
started to get a little sad because I was just like, oh, okay,
like no one opened presents with or whatever. But my
best friend and I had gotten each other presence, so

(56:29):
we facetimed each other. On Christmas morning, we open presents
with each other and like chatted and it was it
was great.

Speaker 2 (56:36):
See, And I think it's all about a perspective shift
right where there's moments in it and it's always that same,
like the two things can be true thing where like
it's gonna be true that I'm gonna be sad, yeah,
and it's gonna be true that I would like to
share this with somebody. It's also true that I just
had like the best time ever, and you just had
a Christmas that you're gonna remember that you got yourself

(56:58):
through without all of anybody else, And those things and
those experiences can never be replaced. Nobody can ever take
those away from us. Whereas like you have other experiences,
and if you had shared it with your ex boyfriend
again another Christmas with him, it would have been then
again tainted, instead of you having this new experience. Even

(57:22):
though it was hard, even though it looked differently than
what you want it to look like, it was still
this like very empowering at the same time moment. And
I think it's really cool that we're getting to experience
that because I just that that did not used to
be a thing. Yeah, you know, it's very uncommon, and
that's why you have so much of the older generations

(57:42):
are like when are you getting married? When are you
having kids? Because that's what people did to them, Whereas
now we're like, no, no, no, okay, I've learned a
lot of things and I'm good. I'm gonna wait for
the right situation. If it never comes, then I'm gonna
be okay. But it's just a lot of learning, it's
a lot of mixed emotions constant.

Speaker 1 (58:01):
The mixed emotions part is what gets me. And actually,
this is one of my favorite things that I've kind
of learned along the way, and I learned it from
my dad when I was going through the first breakup.
I ended up. We got engaged, and then we broke up,

(58:23):
and I moved from Alabama back to California, and then
we eventually we ended up reconciling, and then we broke
up for good. But when I was driving back from
Alabama to San Diego, my dad had flown out to
drive with me. We were driving back and we were
in New Mexico. We had stopped for the night, and

(58:45):
we were in the hotel room and I just out
of nowhere, started like hysterically crying, and he's like, what's wrong,
And I'm like, I failed, Like I failed? How did
I get here? I failed? And he was like, look,
you can be sad about it. You can be upset

(59:06):
about it, he said, cry about it. But tomorrow morning,
when we get up and we start driving back to
San Diego. There's no more crying for tomorrow at least,
Like you can cry and you can be sad, but
it can't ruin your entire day. You can't let it
take over everything. And I think that that's important because
a lot of people try to, you know, hide or

(59:29):
mask these feelings that they have because they're ashamed or whatever.
But it's okay to feel that way. So like at
Christmas time when I got sat I cried a little
bit about it, you know, and then I was like, well,
it's not going to ruin my entire day, Like I'm
still going to have a good Christmas, Like I'm still
going to do the things I want to do, you know.
So I think that that's an important reminder, and I

(59:51):
love that my dad was the person that pointed that out,
Like you can cry about it, you can have a
bad day about it, but it does not get to
ruin your entire day. It does not get to take
up your entire day because you got other's stuff you
gotta do.

Speaker 2 (01:00:07):
So yeah, it reminds me also of this saying I
love I love your dad, and I also just love
that he was like, yes, cry, but also like let's
move on it was it was both. He was trying
to have you have both. Yeah, And it reminds me
of this, and I always try and do it, and
I do it often, like in my daily life, especially
when I have just frustrations or things are happening and

(01:00:28):
it's like this.

Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
And I'm totally going to butcher it.

Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
But it's if if you if it's not going to
matter in five days, don't spend more than five minutes
thinking about it. If it's not gonna matter in five months,
don't spend more than five days thinking about it. Like
it's just it's this five like quantity, and it's like
every time I think about that, nothing, nothing is ever

(01:00:51):
going to matter in five months, unless it's like something
incredibly traumatic, like most of the time what I'm crying about, Yeah,
it don't matter, yeah five days, let alone five months. Yeah,
especially like this stupid boy who you know, takes me
off somewhere along the line. So I also try and
operate that. I think it's a similar theory to that.

Speaker 1 (01:01:13):
Yeah, it's okay to let it bother you, it's okay
to get emotional about it, but yeah, it doesn't get
to take up the entire space and it doesn't get
to ruin what you're going to do down the road.

Speaker 2 (01:01:27):
You also are a great person to talk about our
biological clock, which is so lovely as women that we
get to have that. Yes, I love this, but this
is one of your hardest parts of this whole journey.
I feel like for you because something that you really want,
probably more than anything else, is to have a kid
of your own. That's something that you really want.

Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
I do. I do really want a kid, and I
know that, like, as you get older, it gets harder.
I know with some of the women in my family
who have had babies at forty, you know, thirty eight,
thirty nine, that it is very difficult. I also have
some things that will make it more difficult for me

(01:02:09):
to get pregnant naturally, Like my uterus tilts backwards, so
it's gonna have a hard time doing that. I have
a fibroid that's massive that kind of sits right on
top of everything. So like there's all these things, and
then it plays into like, Okay, am I getting older
and not having a kid. Am I not meant to
have kids? Am I?

Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
This? Like?

Speaker 1 (01:02:32):
And let me tell you, as you get older and
you start dating older guys that either have kids or whatever.
It's hard to find somebody that's like, oh, hey, yeah,
I want to. I'm forty two and I want to
I want another kid, you know, my current one's fourteen. Whatever.
So it's a lot, and I keep having to remind
myself that if it's meant for me, it's gonna happen. Like,

(01:02:57):
do I want a kid, Yes, I would love to
have my own kid. I'd love to have my own
kid with a partner that I'm gonna stay with, though,
because obviously there were opportunities for me to have a
kid with somebody, but I wouldn't be with them, and
my ideal would be to be with that person. But yeah,

(01:03:17):
if it's meant for me, it's gonna happen.

Speaker 2 (01:03:19):
Do you feel like when we were talking at the
bar that day, what I said helped you at all?
Where I was like, if this is something that you
feel so strongly about, like it's the Universe's way of
saying like you already have it. A future version of
you already has this because you feel it so deeply.
It just may not look in the way that you

(01:03:40):
plan for it to look. Did that help or was
it that more like, Okay, I know that, but I'm
just not sure.

Speaker 1 (01:03:46):
It did because you actually were the second person to
tell me that. And you know, when you're going through it,
like you don't really see it from a wider perspective.
So it's like, Okay, maybe motherhood for me isn't going
to look like I'm gonna get pregnant and carry the

(01:04:08):
kid for nine months and then burthen them up. Maybe
that's not what motherhood looks like for me, Like, maybe
it looks like something else. Maybe I meet somebody that
already has a kid, and that could kind of adopts
into like I could be that you know, stepmom version.
So it is helpful, but it's like, again, it goes
back to that high school version. You know, when you're

(01:04:30):
thinking you're in high school and you're like, oh, yeah, no,
I'm going to have my kid and it's going to
be this way and this is how my life is
supposed to be. That you get stuck in that and
it's hard to get out of it.

Speaker 2 (01:04:44):
Yeah, and it's hard to remind yourself that, like there's
a there's a reason it all happened. And when you
sit down and you reflect, you're like, oh, this is why,
and this is why I am where I am And
I didn't have kids with X, Y and Z because
it wouldn't have looked as great as I I wanted
it to look. Even though I would have had the
kid that I wanted, it just wouldn't have been the

(01:05:04):
situation you wanted. So it's easy in those situations to
look back and see it. But that's a hard reminder
because it's also this young version of you that still
wants something to happen in the way that you dreamt
it would happen.

Speaker 1 (01:05:19):
Yeah, it's hard. And I've never been one of those
girls that like wants that like fairy tale thing, but
there are certain things that I'm just like, yeah, I
wanted the you know, I wanted to be married and
have a husband and have a kid and like have
it just be like the three of us. And you know,
I've always been very like set on, I just want

(01:05:41):
one kid, and I want it to be the three
of us, like running around on these little family adventures
and this and this, and then to be at a
place where it's not happened yet. I am not a
patient person. That is not my strong suit, and so
I've really like especially in just like these last six

(01:06:02):
months have really had to learn that, like, girl, calm down,
be patient because and I have been being so patient
with just different things, and I know that people are
probably gonna be like, Okay, whatever, the universe is hearing
me being patient, and it's faan off. Like it's paying

(01:06:22):
off for me in so many different ways that when
I look back, if I was just the old me
where maybe I just was like oh whatever, and like
it wouldn't be paying off. Like I'm in such a
great place now that I've learned to be patient and
I've learned to just kind of all right, we're gonna

(01:06:44):
go with this. Where's the universe taking me? What is
it wanting me to have? Like it's it's a great
time when you start to open up to that. It's
also really difficult to find your way there. It is
because just like you're saying, like, patience is really hard
for you, I think patience is hard for anybody when
they really want something because you want it, especially when

(01:07:05):
you're seeing other people get it and have it in people.

Speaker 2 (01:07:07):
Your age or and where they're at. And then it
starts to go back to the timelines and then all
the things you're focusing on and you're like, okay, well,
what's the different about what's the problem with me?

Speaker 1 (01:07:16):
But you have to not you have to think though
all those people you're seeing that are getting what you want.
I guarantee you it's not all sunshine rainbows, and we
love to make it look we love to make it
look like that, but I guarantee you that it's not.
And so like it might look like that because yay

(01:07:37):
social media, it's gonna look like, oh my god, look
at this fancy ring, like eh, picture perfect. There's something
happening behind the scenes that's probably not super great. And
you could be in that situation, And do you want
to be in that situation where you're like, outwardly to
the world everything looks sunshine's and rainbows, but inside your

(01:07:59):
lie like god, I hate it here because that was
me twice.

Speaker 2 (01:08:03):
Yeah, and to probably everybody else was like, oh, she's
so happy she's engaged.

Speaker 1 (01:08:07):
And yeah, because there were a story thank you Facebook
for reminding me of my engagement a couple of weeks back,
because it happened in December, so of course it was
like course, loop back at your memories. I'm like, I
don't want to, but like, you know, I looked at
them and I laughed because I was like, God, I
was faking it so hard online that I was happy

(01:08:32):
and this and that, and then I was going home
to a house that was full of tension and turmoil
and yelling and this, and it was just not a
happy home. But everybody thought we were happy, because like
when me and my second fiance broke up, it was
a literal shock to his entire family. They were like,

(01:08:52):
you guys were literally just at the house two weeks
ago and everything was fine, like you were kissy, lovey
dev I'm like, yeah, we put on a great show
for everybody, but when.

Speaker 2 (01:09:01):
We're there, but closed doors is a different story.

Speaker 1 (01:09:03):
We're not even sleeping in the same bed at home.
So yeah, it it's fun to romanticize it, but you
have to remember, like, might not all be sunshiness and rainbows,
So where you're ats not that bad.

Speaker 2 (01:09:18):
This is so true. It's a great reminder. I also
wanted to ask you to did you ever look into
because I know this is just a really big topic,
especially going into my thirties, and it's become much more
of a frequent talk, even at dinner with the girls,
did you ever think about freezing your eggs? Were you
ever like questioning that process becoming a single mom on

(01:09:40):
your own?

Speaker 1 (01:09:40):
Was that ever conversation for you? If my mother had
it her way, I would be a single mom right now.
She she always likes to bring that up, and I'm
not opposed to it. I don't know if I'm there yet,
because again, for me, the hang up is like, in

(01:10:01):
my picture perfect world, it's me, the guy and the kid,
and the kid is a mix of the two of us.
And so like I struggle with, you know, if I
go and become a single mom and it's me and
some guy over there, and then I meet my person,
what happens? Because remember I only want one kid, so

(01:10:23):
is my person going? Like so I struggle with that.
I have thought about freezing my eggs and going in
and looking at it. It's actually one of the things
that I have put down as a goal for this
year to do is to go and see what that
looks like for me. I had talked about doing it
last year, and I kept chickening out because it's another

(01:10:46):
one of those harsh realities that, like, what happens if
I go and they say, like yep, not for you,
not in the cards. Like I didn't want to face
that last year, and it's like, Okay, if I don't
face it, though, I'm going to just continue on thinking
everything's great and then be disappointed later. So why not

(01:11:08):
figure it out now and then figure out where to
go from there.

Speaker 2 (01:11:13):
Yeah, that's a really hard decision to make too, because
you're right, it is this internal conflict of like, yes,
I want the answer, but do I want the answer? Yeah,
because you are going to be faced with whatever reality
comes with those results. But I do think there's power
and knowledge. I think there's more power and knowledge than unknowing,
and I think you can do more with that knowledge

(01:11:35):
versus having nothing to go off of. But that being said,
I do This is why it's such a hot topic
at so many girl dinners is it's such an individual
experience and everybody has a different idea of what that's
going to look like. So I just wanted people to
hear yours in case it can be related for them.

(01:11:56):
I'm not there yet. I'm sure that could be a
topic of conversation for me in a couple of years.
And it's also a thing for me that I think
I've kind of turned myself off of ever having kids
because there is a very high likelihood that I have intometriosis.
And I haven't even walked down that road because I

(01:12:19):
haven't even had a partner to even start thinking in
that direction. Because there isn't much different than you. I
don't have such a strong desire that if I am
by myself, I don't care to have them by myself,
I'll just adopt like five thousand animals and also be
might find that works for me. But like, I do
want them if I am to find the right partner

(01:12:40):
or the right situation. So, but there is a part
of me for a long time where I've always been like,
I don't think I want kids, And I think this
is this like subconscious Morgan deep down being like, I
don't know that I can have kids. So if I
just start convincing myself I don't want them, then maybe
it won't be so bad when I find out that news.

Speaker 1 (01:13:00):
Yeah, it it's scary. It's definitely a hard thing to tackle,
and then convincing yourself that you don't want something is
a lot easier than telling yourself you want it and
then figuring out how to get it because Okay, how
to get a candy bar is a lot easier than
finger out how do I get a kid? Like especially

(01:13:22):
because it's like, okay, kid by yourself, kid with somebody else,
kid with it, you know. But yeah, I didn't know
that actually Prounca Toapra froze her eggs. That's how her
and her Jonas brother got their babies or baby. I
think it's just one too, yeah, maybe two now I

(01:13:44):
thought it was too. I don't know. I'm not up
on the gossip, but yeah, I didn't realize that she
did that at thirty. She did at thirty. She's in
her mid to late thirties now, so she did that
early on and didn't tell anybody. And I I've got
a friend of mine that I went to high school
with who's doing fertility right now, and she started an

(01:14:07):
entire Instagram page that's just dedicated to her fertility journey,
which is insane watching her go through this. So there's
a lot on social media. So maybe you know you're
like me where you're a little bit older than your
friends and so what you're going through is not what
they're going through. There are ways to find on social media.
Those people going through what you're going through, so you

(01:14:30):
don't feel so alone, so you have somebody to look
at and talk to in this and that. But I
think you know, if you go and freeze your eggs, right,
what's it hurting If you decide you don't want kids anymore? Okay,
you don't want kids, but if you decide that you
do and you frozen when you were thirty, you might

(01:14:51):
have a more successful chance at having that kid at forty.

Speaker 2 (01:14:54):
Yeah. So see, and this is why, like it's it's
cool to talk to your friends because like, and I know,
I just know guys don't have these conversations.

Speaker 1 (01:15:03):
Oh my god, they're not having these conversations where you're like,
do you praise your eggs? What are you going to do?

Speaker 2 (01:15:08):
And they're like, uh, did you catch that team last night?

Speaker 3 (01:15:11):
Right?

Speaker 2 (01:15:11):
Did you see that football?

Speaker 1 (01:15:12):
Cat?

Speaker 2 (01:15:13):
Very drastically different conversations. But it is interesting that there
it's just as you mature and you get older that
these are now the topic of conversation. So thank you
for sharing and like being vulnerable about all of it,
not just the egg freezing in the conversation with that,

(01:15:34):
but talking about the potential of having kids in the
broken engagements and stuff, because those are hard conversations, but
I thought they were really important. So I'm really glad
you came on.

Speaker 1 (01:15:43):
Thanks for having me. It feels good to it feels
good to talk about it. And like if anybody's listening
and they've been through that, like you're not alone. It happens,
and it's not you're you didn't do anything wrong, it's
not your fault, and it just means that there is
something better that's going to come along for you. Because
I know there's something better coming along for me. I'm

(01:16:04):
ready for it.

Speaker 2 (01:16:05):
There absolutely is. I know that there's a beautiful life,
even more beautiful than the one that you dreamt up
in high school, and it's waiting for you somewhere, and
it's only a matter of time. I know that. I
know that in my heart, gut, soul, whichever one you
want to hear from, I.

Speaker 1 (01:16:21):
Know that perfect.

Speaker 2 (01:16:23):
Thanks again, Kate.

Speaker 1 (01:16:24):
Thanks.

Speaker 2 (01:16:24):
We went through a series of highs and lows in
this episode, all in the space of relationships and finding
that forever person. So whether you're single or with someone,
I hope this episode found you in the space that
you needed it. Thanks for being here and more to come.
Next week. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and
follow on Instagram at Take This Personally. Let me know
if there's anyone you want me to bring on as

(01:16:45):
a guest, whether it's an expert or a real person,
just hit me up in the DMS.

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Morgan Huelsman

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