March 17, 2025 • 59 mins
This week Kyla Steele opens up about the abusive relationship that led her to help others in post-abuse recovery. She shares the trauma bond that keeps people in bad relationships, why it's important to heal the trust with yourself, and how some "love actions" are rooted in control.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Personally with Fuelsman. This episode is very important because we're
discussing a topic that is not openly discussed enough abuse,
domestic violence, and everything in between. I know this topic
is hard to hear about, but it's even harder for
those who've experienced it. I have some personal experience with
this topic, and it was time that I shared some
(00:35):
more about it in hopes I can bring some more
awareness and help others understand some behaviors better. First, I
have on Kyla Steele sharing her story and why she's
now a post abuse recovery expert, and then I'll share
an audio journal entry of my first hand account on
this topic and why it's so important an episode like
(00:55):
this exists. This is a very important episode for me personally,
but also because I found somebody on social media who
shares a lot of similarities in an experience I've had
in my life. Her name's Kyla Steele, and she's a
post abuse recovery expert. But more importantly, she's also somebody
(01:17):
who has been through an abusive relationship as have I.
So I'm I don't want to say excited to have
you on, but I'm really looking forward for us to
talk Hi Kyla, how are you.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I'm so good. Thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
And it feels weird when I say that. It's not
that I'm not excited to talk with you, but it's
a difficult topic that excited doesn't feel like the right
word to use.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Yeah, I agree, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
But I am really happy that you were willing to
share your story. And as I've mentioned in moments of
my time working on the radio show that I do
and doing this podcast, people have heard kind of bits
and pieces, but I felt it was time. It's been
about eight years for me now, and I think it's
really time for me to share a lot more in
(02:03):
depth of my story and the experiences I had. And
finding your content on social media also showed that that's
something that you do. So I would love to hear
how you got into this line of work and your
story and why it brought you to where you are now.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah. Well, it definitely is not like a linear journey
at all.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
It never is. That's okay, never is.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
But it's crazy because it is like this full circle moment. Ultimately,
when I had left my abusive relationship, it was a
seven year long relationship I was I met him when
I was eighteen, and I left when I was twenty five,
and so when I had left, there was not a
lot awareness around abuse or emotional abuse or cycle pose
(02:50):
like a lot of women do. I went to a
walk in doctor because I'm like, I'm so incredibly depressed.
I need someone to validate me and like, just give
me some direction and where to go. And it's funny
because this one doctor and I actually didn't even take
it seriously at the time, but he asked me, and no,
(03:10):
no doctor has ever done this, but he asked me
these three questions and he was like, I told him
everything about my relationship and then he was like, okay,
so let me ask you this, like how do you
want to feel in the future. And I was like,
I want to be happy. That's why I'm here. That's
why i'm here. I'm miserable. He's like okay, He's like, well,
what is something that you're really passionate about. Well, I
(03:32):
really want to help people, and I want to see
more of the world. I want to travel the world.
He was like, okay, and what's a big life goal
of yours? And I was like, oh, I want to
have a hobby farm. And I want to raise a
family like out in the country and build my dream house.
That's what you need to do right now, Kyla. You
need to find your passion that involves helping people where
(03:53):
you can travel around the world and bring in enough
income to build that dream house with your family and
have a farm. And I was like, okay, Like I
don't understand how this is going to help me. I'm
like heartbroken right now. And so a couple of years
go by, I'm still grieving the relationship. I'm still very
(04:15):
much like heavily in this victim mentality, dating the same
types of men. And I was in school and criminology.
I was pursuing to become a police officer and it
didn't feel aligned to me. I was not excited about it.
And just one day I was like, oh, like, this
cannot be it for me. I'm not excited about it.
(04:35):
What can I do? And I always had this like
entrepreneurial mindset, but it was never something that was like
the norm, and so I thought I had to work
this nine to five. And so it's funny because a
couple of years later, I like circled back to what
that doctor had said to me, and so I was
just writing in my notebook, Okay, how can I make
(04:55):
a career out of this? And during that time, I
was listening to a podcast. I don't know if you've
heard of him, but it's Rob Dial the Mindset mentor Yes,
and he started talking about whatever painful situation you've been through,
like you can help so many people, and just talking
about life coaching, and I'm like, okay, this is something
(05:18):
that I can do. And then from there on, I
like just made the decision I'm going to do this.
I had no idea what I was doing, and so
I just started speaking about my story and yeah, here
we are a couple of years later.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Okay, so I want to get into a few parts
of this. When you say, doctor, did you just go
to a regular doctor? Are you talking to a therapist?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
No? I didn't even have any money for a therapist.
This was strictly a walk in doctor.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Wow, okay, really cool doctor, because not often is that
what happens?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
I know. And a couple prior to that wanted to
put me on antidepressants and I was like, I really
want to try to heal this the natural way, and
so I never went that route. And yeah, he honestly,
he's amazing.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
And then also you had mentioned your relationship was several
years long. If I had to guess that was not
a consistent several years.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Long, No, no, it was not.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Okay, walk me through your relationship a little bit, and
I don't want to say abuse you endured, but your
experience is with abuse in this particular relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
I met him when I was eighteen, and at that
age I was going through a lot. I was partying
a lot, hanging out with a bad crowd. My parents
were in this spot where they were maybe going to separate,
maybe divorce, and that was really hard on me. I
got kicked out of the house for using drugs, and
(06:53):
so I was living with not very good people. And
so I was a very baroken girl when I met him,
very low self esteem. I had other little high school
relationships where I was the first boyfriend I ever had.
He cheated on me. So I had met my ex
during that time after that relationship where I got cheated
(07:14):
on in high school. At the beginning, he was like
my knight in Charming or Shining Armor. He would drop
flowers off at my house and he'd walk me home
and like in the pouring rain, send me these notes.
He was just everything that I wanted. But it was
always like a little bit rocky, like we were abusing
(07:36):
alcohol and partying a lot, and so there would be
a lot of fights, and there was always almost like
every other month. I was always like, I can't do this,
I can't do this. No, this isn't going to work.
And he always knew how to charm me back into
the relationship, and so as soon as I graduated high school,
(07:58):
we ended up living together. And so once we started
living together, that's when the emotional and verbal abuse started
to get a little bit worse. And it would just
be him like leaving the house for days like abandonment,
but then coming back in and acting as if nothing happened.
(08:22):
And by that time, you're already so deep into the
trauma bond, which is this like emotional dependency, and so
leaving became so much harder. And at that time, the
good times outweighed the bad. But then as the years
went on and he had way more control over me,
(08:42):
it then turned into like way more bad times, and
then the bad times would get a lot worse. So
a lot of manipulation, a lot of lying, infidelity, like
destroying the house, property damage, things like that. So yeah,
it got over time, it just kept getting worse and worse.
(09:02):
And I had left at one point, I had left
for eight months. And I don't think a lot of
women know this, but just because you leave the relationship
doesn't mean you're not trauma bonded to them anymore. I
still had so many codependency wounds that I wasn't dealing with,
and so eight months later I was still just as
(09:23):
heartbroken and so dependent on him that I went back
for another two years.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Everything that you're saying I unfortunately relate to, and I
also unfortunately know a lot of people can relate to.
It's more common than we know because oftentimes with abusive relationships,
what happens behind closed doors is never what's happening out
in the world. It only happens within the home. And
(09:49):
so it's really easy, especially much like it sounded yours was,
when they're super charming and there seem like this great
person and they're out in the world and everybody loves them. Heck,
my family loved him at one point when I was
dating him, And yeah, you know that experience, But you're
the one who's experiencing different things behind closed doors. But
(10:11):
it gives you a very interesting dynamic where you are
questioning everything all the time because nothing seems real because
one moment you have this person, the next you have
a different person. So everything you're saying, I can totally relate.
And we're gonna break a few of these down in
different directions. Okay, Yeah, something you had mentioned was how
(10:34):
it was good moments and there was bad and he'd
pull you back in. I think a lot of times
when I talk about my abusive relationship, people will be like, well,
why didn't you just leave? Why didn't you just get
out of it? Why didn't you just stop? And you're
talking about the trauma bond. The trauma bond is so important,
(10:55):
and it's so important when it comes to relationships like this.
This is the only time that this phrase actually is
and should be used. There are not trauma bonds and
other scenarios. This is what it is meant to be
used for is abusive relationships. And it's so unique and
you feel so connected to this person. So talk me
(11:16):
through for you from the experience of why didn't you
just leave? Why why didn't you just one day say stop?
Tell me that experience for you, because I also can
attest that it was never as easy as why don't
you just leave?
Speaker 2 (11:31):
No? And never so for me, I felt this like
great responsibility to help him, Like I because when you
see them being so loving and being so funny in
all these amazing qualities, you're like, yes, you can be
(11:53):
like this, you can be so much better. Like you're
only acting this way because you're hurt and broken person,
and that is true, but it makes it so it
almost makes it like it's your responsibility, Like you just
you feel like you love this person so much that
you just you don't want to abandon them, and you
(12:15):
and I think, like for me, it's like women that
get into these types of relationships are extremely empathetic, good hearted,
beautiful women, and they really just have these wounds of
just being wanted and loved, and so it's like if
(12:35):
they put their purpose into changing this person, then they're
feeling fulfilled inside, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Yep, very much. So it was where I started to
really hate that I had a big heart. He was
the beginning of that experience for me. M And I'm
sure you can attest to that you start to hate
that you're empathetic. You hate that you want have this
desire to help people. You hate that somebody has used
that against you because now you don't want to use
(13:04):
it anymore. They take that power away from you.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, yeah, they do. Yeah, And it's hard because when
you're in those relationships, you really give it your all,
and then when you leave, you're like, I can never
do this again, and I don't think I'll ever want
to do this again, and so it's really unfortunate and
soul crushing because you know, it's like they took your
(13:31):
innocence away, right, and you have so much love to give,
and when they just when you almost tell yourself that
you can never do that again, it's really unfortunate because
the right man really does deserve that from you.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Something I experienced often was a constant push and pull.
I felt like we would be connected and then something
would happen and then we'd be back to this very
toxic going at each other all the time. Because there
was a part of me that was always fighting. There
was a part of me that always wanted to stick
up for myself and always understand that I shouldn't take this.
(14:10):
But when you mentioned that trauma bond. I don't think
people understand what happens in a trauma bond. You feel
so connected to this person that even when they are
hurting you, you feel like they still love you. And
can you imagine a more complicated experience than having that.
(14:31):
So did you have that same experience with that trauma bond?
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Oh, one hundred percent. And I think that's why women
have such a hard time with believing that they're abusive,
and they make uses for that because it's like, no,
I know, he would never intentionally do this to hurt me.
And I think that is the hardest part out of
(14:56):
it all, is accepting that they never loved you, And
that makes one feel very crazy because you're in this
completely twisted, distorted reality that's I have in reality. That's
the hardest part about it. For me, at least, there.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Was a moment for me. I want to say it
took three years after this relationship ended for me to
finally come to terms with the fact that I was
in an abusive relationship. I don't think I could accept
for a really long time that had happened to me.
Did you ever experience that? Do you experience that a
lot with your clients? Where there's just this moment of
(15:38):
it finally clicks, but most of the time it takes
a really long time for that to happen.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Yes, it's interesting because I actually just had a coaching
call with one of my clients and she was offered
a domestic violence worker for this mediation, and she had
expressed that she wasn't sure if she needed one or
wanted one, And it's so hard for me to accept
that I need one, and I think for a lot
(16:06):
of women, it's because when you're in that relationship, your
brain is rewired to believe that you're overreacting, that you're crazy,
that you're the toxic one. And so imagine all those years,
however long you've been in that relationship and someone telling
you that that is going to affect your brain. And
(16:28):
so it's almost like this little voice in your head
sometimes when I put out even content on my social
media and I tell a story, like sometimes I'm like, oh,
I like, I hear him in my head being like
that's not true, that didn't happen, Like you're overexaggerating. And
so I think it just all comes with that little
(16:49):
voice in your head with what they have been conditioning
you to believe.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Well, and you mentioned that kind of control they have
over your mind. When I was in this, there was
moments where it would be really bad and I will
have ended it. I say I'm done, leave me alone,
and he would show up to my work with flowers,
he would follow me when I was out in public,
he would just show up on my doorstep. He would
threaten suicide. He did so many things that made me
(17:17):
feel like I did not have control, even though I
did in a way, but there was like this survival
in me that existed where I felt I had to
accept it because it was more important for me to
survive those scenarios than to tell him no. And that's
(17:41):
a really hard thing to come to terms with when
you look back. There's a lot of shame associated with
that that you feel like you couldn't put your foot
down when really you didn't have control in the first place.
Because imagine somebody's really threatening your life and who you
are and your safety as a human being, and you're
(18:01):
just supposed to say no, I'm going to walk away,
please leave me alone. But this is someone who notoriously
does not listen, So that experience is also part of this,
and I know you had mentioned something like this in
your content and social media, like where they find this
way to pull you back in. Can you give some
examples of what you've seen you heard some of mine,
(18:24):
but maybe for other people, because I think it's really
easy to mistake some of those things as love and
as somebody really wanting you when it isn't.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
I think a big one is like the jealousy or
the control. So them saying, oh I reacted that way
at the bar because I really care about you and
I want you to be safe kind of thing. I
think honestly, all the ones that you just said, my
ex did as well, and those are all big ones.
(19:00):
They call that hoovering, the stalking, and yeah, I think
that's a way for them to maintain control and to
always see where you're at. And again, like you said,
threatening suicide, my ex as well did that. I love
you so much that if you don't stay with me,
I'm gonna die again. That's just all control. So I
(19:22):
think the ones that you sat are all from what
I've heard, are all the big ones.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Yeah, it's really tough, and it's I feel like in
a lot of scenarios we've really been taught to sometimes
accept the bare minimum because I don't know if you
ever had this experience for your relationship, But for me,
I really wanted to make things work. I was told
that once you're in it with somebody, you figure it
(19:49):
out and you work through things together. But what I
was failing to realize in this relationship, because I had
zero experience with abuse, was that I was the only
one that actually wanted to make something work. I was
the only one who was fighting for something that didn't
really exist. Do you have some experience with that too, yes?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And I think it's so interesting because you see movies
and it's almost like that type of like intense fighting
and then leaving and not coming back for months, and
then then all of a sudden showing up on your
doorstep with flowers and a huge apology and all these
(20:30):
grand gestures. Like I know, for me, that was normalized, right,
Fights are normal, we say things we don't mean. It
was just so normalized for me. I don't think I
ever growing up had a positive role model of what
a relationship should be like. So I don't know if
(20:50):
that's the same for you. If you ever had you know,
someone you looked up to with like a healthy love.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
I did, my parents did. But I think from my experience,
this is so hard because I just thought because I
hadn't had a lot of good experiences before in relationships,
I had much to your point, I had been cheated
on in every relationship I have up until my most
recent one, like this has gone through my entire life.
(21:22):
And because I had never had good experiences in relationships before,
I almost thought, well, this is someone who really loves
me so much that they're really willing to go through it.
It's twisted my mind in a way. He twisted my mind.
But then I added to it because I couldn't understand
(21:42):
that's not what a relationship looked like. Because I had
been cheated on. I was like, well, this is somebody
who's who really loves me that they're gonna they're gonna
fight for me, and they might fight me, but they're
gonna fight for me. And that just felt weird. That
was such an unusual experience for me, and to have
that experience for the first time, I was so ill
(22:04):
equipped to handle it. My body didn't know what to do.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Yeah, yeah, it is. It's almost like some deep down
subconsciously for me. I think because I was always surrounded
by chaos, toxic friendships, even toxic relationships up until being
(22:29):
fifteen and having my first boyfriend, and so I think
deep down I thrived in chaos and I was always
in survival mode. And so because I had never experienced
calm or peace, that was weird to me, and so
I associated chaos and fights with passion and love. And
(22:56):
looking back, I can see why I wanted to go
into play because I said, well, I really want to
help people, but I also need something that's going to
keep me on my toes. And I think once I
finally found that piece regulated my nervous system and healed
all these wounds, I was like, oh no, Like I
(23:17):
do not thrive in this situation anymore.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
So I think a big part of it, too, is
like subconsciously we associate chaos with passion and love.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
And to your point, I think so many movies and
TV shows have also taught us that, so we are
what we see out into the world. For you, did
you experience after this relationship, and maybe you haven't gotten
to this point yet, but dating and finding healthy relationships, now,
what's that experience been like for you?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yes? Oh, gosh. So I was actually in a year
and a half very healthy relationship for the first time. Unfortunately,
we parted ways last October, but it was my first
healthy relationship and it was hard, but I was self
aware enough to be like, Okay, Kayla, you can work
(24:09):
through these things now, and it Honestly, I guess I
can fully say now that I'm a cycle breaker, and
I broke the cycle because yeah, I have experienced a
healthy relationship and it is a breath of fresh air.
I never thought I would be a be into a
healthy relationship. I always thought it would be boring, and
(24:30):
that's just simply not true. It's not true.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
It's a mind trick that we definitely play on ourselves,
for sure. When you were having that first healthy relationship
in the beginning, was there a lot of moments of
PTSD where you wanted to create chaos because you didn't
know how to handle non chaos.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Oh yeah, yeah, I wanted to self sabotage the shit
out of that relationship. Oh there's a tiny little problem here.
Let's blow this out of proportion so I can leave
because I'm extremely uncomfortable right now.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
And it is, and to your credit, it at least
sounds like you found someone who is willing to be
a safe space and work through those things for you.
And I think that's really an important part of post
abusive relationship dating, where you have to truly be able
to find someone who is a safe space and who
isn't gonna take advantage of that side of you because
(25:29):
it is would you ever when you were dating and
probably dating again now and this is a part of
your story, It's a part of who you are. So
when you talk about this stuff dating and you're like, Okay, crap,
we're getting to the part where I'm gonna have to
be vulnerable and I'm gonna have to share that this
is a part of who I am. What is that
(25:50):
like for you when that starts to happen.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
Oh yeah. And because I'm so like public on social
media too, if anyone else me for like my Instagram,
I'm like, no, let's wait on it a little bit.
I'd rather tell you things in person. But I think
before I would always lead with my past going into relationships,
and I think I still was very much in that
(26:16):
like victim mentality and also subconsciously still looking for the
same types of men because I was still so like
my holy identity revolved around this man, and so I
think that's why I kept repeating those relationships. But now
I'm trying to really not lead with that because that's
just a part of my chapter. It's not who I am,
(26:39):
and so it's not something that I would open up
about right away, but definitely in the future. Like if
I'm comfortable with the person, then I'd be comfortable opening
up about it, And if they were more curious about it,
like I'm an open book and if that scares them,
then cool. If not, then that's my person. Oh great.
(27:01):
But yeah, I think I see a lot of women
because I did this too, and I know a lot
of other women do this, is they'll lead with their past.
I have trust issues because of this, and I have
a hard time opening up because of this. And you
can't go into it like that, you really can't. You
have to heal those parts of you. And I always say,
(27:23):
it's not that you don't trust other people, it's that
you lack trust within yourself, because you ultimately, last time
you got into a relationship, you made the wrong decision.
And so if you really want to gain control and
power back over your life, you have to take responsibility
for those things and heal those things. Although abuse is
(27:45):
never your fault, you have to understand what brought you
into that relationship mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
And to your point, healing that trust with yourself is
one of the hardest things to do. I still struggle
with that and still make my little dark humor jokes
from like I have trusted Sheeley don't do that, and
I just don't because I panic and I'm like, I
know what this means, but I don't want to talk
about it right now, you know what I mean? Yeah,
And I think that's very real. That's a really real
(28:14):
part of the post side of this that gets lost
in the mix because so much of it is recovering
and a lot of PTSD and a lot of trauma
that you're getting rid of. That that trust with yourself
rebuilding is not easy to trust that you're going to
make the right decisions. Again, I don't know how many
times I sat in a therapist's office and I said
(28:37):
I don't think this is the right call and they're like, well, why,
I'm like, I don't know. I just don't believe it.
I don't believe anything anymore. I don't trust that any
of this is going to work out. I don't trust
that anybody's going to have my back. I don't trust
that I'm going to make the right call. There was
so much in trust, and when you said that, it
was like it triggered another thing in me. I was like, Oh, yeah,
that's still deep down in there somewhere it's lingers.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Yeah, per yeah. And I think ultimately building trust within
yourself is just becoming so crystal clear on who you are.
Because if you know what your morals are and you
know what your values are and you're living life in
alignment to those, then making decisions for yourself is going
(29:21):
to become a thousand times easier.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Will you also elaborate on the victim mentality because that
was an experience I had to where I really had
to get out of this victim mentality.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Yeah. Same here. It's something so obviously traumatic that happens
to you, and it's so easy to put your whole
identity in that. And I think that just comes with
you not wanting to let go of something and it's
(29:55):
so powerful, Like the words that you say are so powerful,
and there has to be I think where the shift
happens is you have to realize, okay, this, yes, this
happened to me. But once you shift it to like, okay,
(30:15):
how was this happening for me? And what can I
do to become better from this? That's when you can
shift out of it. But it's so much easier. I
guess it's not easier, but sometimes it can feel easier
to just sit in that pain because changing is hard, right.
Acknowledging your mistakes as a human being is hard. It
(30:38):
hurts your ego a little bit, and so sometimes it
just is more comfortable to just sit in that.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Do you ever get clients that come to you and
they're like, I think I'm in this, but I don't know. Oh, yes,
What do you tell them when they come to you
and they're in this position? Because I do think a
lot of people will often hear my story. I'm sure
they see yours and they're like, gosh, that sounds really familiar.
But that couldn't be me. That's not me. There's no
(31:08):
way that's what my relationship is. So when they come
to you and they say, I think this is happening
to me, what are you doing with them to help
them see what's actually happening or how are you helping
them work through that potential experience.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
I think just first of all, validating their experience, and
I know a lot of women just want to be
validated and heard and understood, and ultimately, if you're questioning it,
it's a pretty good indicator that something is going on.
(31:45):
It's so tricky because abuse is not like one size
fits all. We get into this like comparing like spiraling loop,
and we then will go and analyze like the nurse
and look up all these like traits of a narcissist
and all these things, and at the end of the day,
(32:07):
if they are making you anxious and you're not feeling safe,
I think a lot of women know that something's not right,
but accepting it more so is like the hard part,
right because then they know that they have to leave,
and so they're like justifying the behavior so they don't
they don't want to leave.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Well, leaving a normal relationship is hard. You don't want
to end something you're comfortable with. Your point change is hard.
So then you add on the layers of well, this
is tumultuous, or it's toxic, or it's abusive, and you
just threw fifteen extra layers onto what that leaving procedure
is probably going to look like. And to your point,
(32:49):
it isn't a one size fits all, But I love
what you said that if you feel like something is wrong,
that's your sign. If you're already questioning it, that's all
really you need to know, because truly, and I, for
my personal experience, like I, it took me recognizing it
(33:12):
and leaving at vastly different timelines. Me realizing when it
was happening to me versus when I finally was able
to leave and feel safe, to get out and make
my very land and executed exit was a very long
time in between. And I think that happens for most people.
And unfortunately there is a even much harder side of
(33:34):
this where it doesn't have a good ending. And that's
also my hope in bringing you on and talking about this,
even though it is so hard, is I don't want
that ending for everyone. And you said it like, you
should feel safe, you should feel happy in a relationship,
you should feel good, and if you weren't feeling those things,
(33:55):
this is beyond having an argument and a disagreement about life.
This is not being able to exist with another person
without feeling anxiety all the time, Like I would sleep
next to my ex and I would be terrified. There
were nights I would not sleep because I did not
know what was coming. And I know that that's a
similar experience for a lot of people abuse, because you
(34:17):
just you don't know what you're going to sleep next to.
You don't know what you're waking up next to, you
don't know what that next day is going to bring.
And I think your advice was so great for that though,
because it as much as it's not a one size
fits all, that very intuition, gut feeling is so important.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
Yeah, and you said it right there. Awareness is not
enough to leave. Like I was a criminology student, this
is where I learned about all these narcissistic personality disorders
because we actually have to diagnose criminals. And I'm like,
oh my god, my boyfriend is like that. My boyfriend
does that, And I started calling him out on all
(34:57):
the you're being manipulative, your gaslighting. These terms weren't a thing,
and that's how I learned them. But again, I knew
he was doing this to me, and it wasn't enough
to leave. And ultimately, you need to have, like I
treat it like an addiction. And so every person who
(35:17):
has a drinking problem, they all have that pivotal moment,
that breaking point. They all remember that story, like the
defining moment where they're like, I've had enough, I'm done.
I remember mine, and you're at some point you have
to reach that like pivotal defining moment for yourself. And
(35:40):
it all depends on your pain tolerance. It all depends
on what is going on inside of you and your body, right,
and we all have different levels of pain and what
our threshold is. And so obviously I never wanted to
get to that point. But that's why it's so hard
for me, Like I won't coach with and if they're
(36:00):
still in the abuse of relationship just because I know
no one can tell you when to leave. You have
to have that defining moment for yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
That's so true. It is because you could have everybody
screaming at you from the rooftops that this is the
worst thing, but until you feel it, much like addiction,
that's also a great way of comparing it. You have
to decide that for yourself. You have to have the
strength to walk away, because if you don't, you will
go back. You will find yourself in this situation again,
(36:31):
and strength is so important at the end, I wanted
to ask you. I saw on your social media pages
that you had said you won't label yourself as a
survivor of abuse. We share why and that kind of
reasoning for you.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
I don't want it to become my whole identity. This
is something that I had lived through operience, and it
was a big chapter in my life, but I ultimately
have my control and my power back, and I don't
(37:10):
want to see myself as a survivor anymore. I'm now thriving,
So I don't like it because I know, I just
know what it can do to your mind and how
it can affect life decisions. I feel like if I
still refer to myself as a victim and a survivor,
(37:33):
then I feel like I would have less control over
my future and the relationships that I choose, because at
the end of the day, we actually do get to
decide what relationships we get to be in.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Yeah. I love that I had seen that, and I
wanted to hear it from your words because I feel
the same way. And it's like the stages of grief,
but the stages of abuse a little bit where when
I came out of it, I was in denial that
it ever happened to me. Then I came to terms
with and I was like, okay, I am a survivor.
And then you come out of that and you're like, Okay,
that's now just part of my story. It's very much
(38:07):
stages that you experience. But gosh, I wish everybody could
get to that the place that you're in now quicker.
And that's so hard because you're coming from someone who
spent three years working on herself after my experience where
I was like, don't touch me, don't talk to me.
I don't I have things to figure out.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
Yeah, one hundred percent. That's my goals. Just help as
many women as possible. You don't have to struggle this long,
like I've made all the mistakes for you, guys, I
promise you, like I will guide you the right way,
like you don't have to. You don't have to struggle
in silence.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah. I love what you're doing and I'm really glad
you came on and shared parts of your story. And
is there anything you would like to leave us on,
anything we didn't touch on or talk about, or maybe
some words of wisdom. However you want to leave us,
I'm leaving this floor to you.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
Oh yeah, almost what here?
Speaker 1 (39:01):
I just have to make sure if there's anything else
that I didn't touch on that you feel so important,
I want this to be the space for that.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
Yeah, I guess. I just want to let women know
if you think that you will never find love or
you'll never love someone like that again, Like that, I
from someone who was crying to her mom saying I
will never love someone like that again. I promise you
you will, and it will be the best kind of love,
(39:29):
and that love will be with yourself first before anything.
And so anyone who is in their fields right now
about that this is coming from someone who felt that,
and just know that is just simply not true at all.
You'll get through it.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
The perfect way to end us on I echo that statement.
That's beautiful and thank you for sharing again, thanks for talking.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
With me, Thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
This week felt appropriate for me to do another audio
journal entry where I shared a piece of my story
with you guys. This episode was really important to me
to do because I have personal experience with an abusive
relationship and I'm not coming on here to share this
story for sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me.
I share it because I think using our voices in
(40:23):
platforms to share stories like this is what matters. And
just like everybody else, I'm human and I want to
feel connected to I want other people to hear this
story and say, hey, I had this too, and this
is my experience because I don't want to feel alone
in it, and I know if I feel that way,
then other people feel that way. So I share these
(40:45):
journal entries in hopes that it allows us to feel
connected when maybe you hear something that I've went through
and it makes you feel seen. In my early twenties,
I was in a couple year long abusive relationship and
you heard me talk to Kayla about this a little
bit where it took me about three years after that
(41:07):
relationship to come to terms with the fact that I
was in an abusive relationship. I had never had any
experience with anything like that. My parents are still together.
I had never been technically in an abusive physically relationship before.
But my past relationships didn't look that great either when
(41:29):
I looked back on them after this relationship was said
and done. My history before my abusive relationship. I had
three serious relationships, and every single one they cheated on me.
One of them was a little bit more on the
controlling side, and they all had things that would resemble
a chaotic, not safe relationship for somebody, but none of
(41:53):
them were abusive. So I didn't quite understand what was
happening to me when I found myself in an abuse relationship.
Now I'm not going to detail from start to finish
this entire thing. I'm just going to share some pieces
and moments that happened that allowed me to understand and
eventually leave and do better for myself. So at the
(42:14):
beginning of this relationship, when it first started, he was charming.
He was handsome. Everybody loved him, my family, my friends.
He did everything right. He wooed me, swept me off
my feet, he was romantic, He did everything that a
girl would want a partner to do, and so I
fell for him quickly. He made me feel safe in
(42:38):
the beginning, he made me feel seen, and what I
realized was it was him shaping me, understanding me in
every way that he could, so one day he could
use all of that against me. And that was just
the beginning. As our relationship continued is when the emotional
abuse started. The control and he had a problem with alcohol,
(42:59):
so that played it to this in a much larger picture.
But it was often fights, and he was often very
emotionally verbally abusive and would say a lot of aggressive
things to me or common on things that I'm wearing
or want to approve of the things that I would
post on social media. He would not like half the
things we'd talk about. On my main job on the
(43:21):
Bobby Bone Show. I'd come home almost two three times
a week to a fight. He heard something, saw something,
and he didn't like it. There was no trust. It
was like he wanted everything to always be wrong, which
was a drastic change from the person that I had
first started dating, and so it really threw me. I
didn't understand what was happening. This was a completely different
(43:44):
human being, and as I do an EmPATH often does,
I wanted to fix things. I wanted to make this
relationship work, also because I often felt like with all
of my failed relationships that I played such significant role.
Why was I the one always being cheated on? What
were all of these things having to do with me?
(44:05):
Why was that happening? It had to be a meat problem,
and so when he had first started doing this, I
recall feeling just very vulnerable and like it was my fault,
even though looking back now I absolutely know that it
was not. I couldn't come to terms with that. That
was another thing that took me a while to understand
(44:25):
that this wasn't my fault. That while I was in
the relationship and I had things to work on because
of that, me being a victim of abuse was not
my fault. I can recall the moment when it first
started getting physically abusive. He shoved me into the shower
and I kind of thought to myself, Oh, well that's
(44:48):
that's not horrible. We just, you know, got an altercation.
And then a few days later he was acting very
aggressive towards my dog, Remy. And anybody who knows me
no is that my dog Remy is my lifeline. She
is my everything. So do see him act that way
towards her brought out a different side of me. I
(45:08):
started becoming very angry back with him. I wasn't docile,
I wasn't blaming myself. I was mad, and him doing
that in that moment was the start of the downturn
for us, because then I also remember moments in our relationship.
One time we were headed to a dinner and I
(45:29):
really wanted to pull over to save this dog that
I saw running and dodging traffic, and he was like, no,
we have places to be. You can't do this. It's
not allowed. And I was like not allowed, Like this
is who I am? What do you mean not allowed?
And he was like, you have to keep driving? And
I something that I wish I didn't do was continue driving.
I wish I would have pulled over and tried to
(45:49):
save that dog and did what identified for me, but
I couldn't. I was at this moment in survival mode.
I was just doing whatever I could to keep the peace,
and him doing that was another ticker that allowed me
to see things and start opening my eyes and understand
what was happening. There's another time we were driving on
one of the bridges here in Nashville and there was
(46:13):
a water bottle in the car and he got upset.
To me, I have no idea what that reason was,
but he got upset and he opened the water bottle
and splashed it all over me, and of course I
was incredibly upset because to my knowledge, I can't remember
what I did wrong that had upset him in this moment.
And then he all let me get out of the car. Mind,
(46:35):
you were on a bridge walking. It's midnight at this point,
and I got out of the car because I remember
I didn't want to be anywhere near him in that moment,
and so I was kind of happy that he was
kicking me out of the car. But I didn't have
any keys with me. I didn't have my own car.
How was I going to get home? I had my phone,
I could call an uber, but it was midnight and
(46:56):
I'm alone in a dark area of town and I'm
walking on this bridge and he's just driving next to me,
brading me, angry at me, and that moment sticks out
in my brain as well. In our relationship, it was
another tick. It was another thing that was going wrong.
And at this point you could listen and say, well,
both of those things happened at that point. Why didn't
you leave the relationship? That's always a question people who
(47:19):
are in abusive relationships get why didn't you leave sooner?
And he was so good, so manipulative, and so good
at controlling and gaslighting every scenario that he always made
me feel like it was my fault. Every time would
get in a fight, it was my fault. Those things
would happen, and he would twist the story in my
head and think that I did something wrong, and I
(47:40):
would take it and my brain couldn't compute what was happening.
I couldn't understand what was true, what was reality. He
was warping it. And so every time we'd get in
these fights, he'd come back, he'd bring flowers, he'd gosh,
there's so many times he did these grand, romantic gestures
(48:01):
after one of these things happened, and I'm like, Okay,
this is normal. I didn't know that it wasn't normal. Again,
I'd never experienced this before. I have no idea what's happening.
It didn't feel right and I didn't feel safe, but
I couldn't understand, and there was so much shame in
it that I didn't talk to anybody about it. I
didn't want to tell anybody that this was happening to me.
(48:23):
I was a shamed that I was in this. Anybody
who knows me know that I'm also incredibly driven, and
so to me, it was a problem. To fix. It
was something that I had to push forward and make
better because I was playing a role in this. After
that moment happened and a lot of apologies, it kept
(48:43):
progressing past that, and I'll save all the gosh details
of a lot of those incidentss These are the ones
that I can remember. There's a lot of things that
I blocked out. There's a lot of things that I
still can't quite recall, and I'm not sure the true
story on they were bad. One of the moments and
the end that I really recall was when he took
(49:06):
away my keys in my phone after an argument and
was trapping me inside my apartment. He was trying not
to let me leave. At the end, I was really
most afraid for Remy, my dog. And I know that
sounds crazy to think, well, she's not safe, why wouldn't
she care about her life? But I was in survival
(49:27):
mode for her, and honestly I didn't have Remy. I
don't know if I would have survived in a lot
of ways, because Remy was my motivation for getting out.
Seeing her and now she was being treated allowed me
to see it from a bigger picture and get out
for her. And so when we were arguing and he
took away my phone and my keys, and he was
(49:48):
trying to trap me in my apartment. I had Remy
in my arms, which Remmy's a twenty pounds dog, so
it's kind of heavy, but I'm holding her, and I'm
waiting for a moment, any moment that I have to
just get out of the apartment. I didn't have shoes on,
I did't have keys, I didn't have a phone. I
didn't care. I just wanted to get out. And when
I got out, I didn't even yell for help. And
(50:09):
I wish I could tell you why. I wish I
could look back on that and be like, why didn't
you just go to a door and ask somebody for help?
But in my brain, I was already planning my exit
and calling for help and calling the police just felt
like a lot of things I wasn't ready to handle.
So when I saw my out of the apartment in
this moment, I ran outside of the apartment complex and
(50:31):
Roomy and I hid in the bushes for two hours,
just hoping that he would calm down and stop looking
for us. I remember him yelling in the parking lot
trying to find us, and I didn't really know what
was going to happen, and eventually he did calm down,
and I remember that night I tried to ask him
to leave. I told him I didn't want him around.
(50:52):
This happened a lot. There's a lot of times I
tried to ask him to leave or give me space,
and he never would. So there was a lot of
sleepless nights. There was a lot of nights that I
slept next to somebody, afraid of what was to come.
And I don't know if you've ever had to do that,
but gosh, I'll take any sleepless night now over that.
(51:12):
A feeling of not knowing what's to come, that was
close to the end that moment that night. He braided
me really badly when I finally came back, because I
didn't have anywhere to go, and I had support systems.
I had wonderful family and friends, but none of them
knew any of this was going on. And that's what
they do to you. They keep you trapped, They keep
(51:35):
you isolated from everybody that you love. They don't want
you to spend time with them because you and them
should only be spending time together and together with other people.
So not only had I not told anybody, but again.
I also felt so much shame that I had found
myself in this situation. But the night that it finally ended,
(51:56):
then had I finally left. I'll never forget it because
my boss Bobby was competing and dancing with the Stars
and it was the championship night and we had gotten
into a My ex and I had gotten into a
huge fight over something that was talked about on the show.
I think it was comparing the guys who's the hottest
(52:18):
on our show, and he was so mad that I
participated in that, and I just remember finally being like,
I'm done. I don't care what you say. I don't care.
None of this is reality. I had finally gotten the
glasses to come off, the trauma bond to break. I
had finally broken, and Remy was worth every ounce of
(52:42):
fighting for for me. And so that night when we
got into that fight, I got really lucky because he
had a game to go play with some friends. And
when he was away at his game, I packed up
everything in my apartment that I could in a big suitcase,
and thankfully we were right around Thanksgiving break. So I
call the girlfriend, and this girlfriend saved my life. I
(53:04):
called her without hesitation, she welcomed to me and Remy
in to stay the night until I could get on
a flight the next morning and head home. And I
will never be able to repay that French for what
she did for me. That was a really hard night,
because he called and he would contemplate suicide and he'd
send pictures. I got a picture of him putting a
(53:25):
belt on my ceiling fan, saying he was going to
commit suicide if I didn't come home or I didn't
call him back. And that friend helped me hold strong
and say you can't do this, made me turn off
my phone, and she kept me safe. She made sure
I ate, And then that next morning, I mean, I
flew home. I told my parents everything, and I asked
(53:45):
them to keep Remy from me so I could get out,
because I knew that if Remy was safe, then I
could start to focus on me and find my exit,
and I did. After that week break, I came back,
and there was lots of arguming and lots of scary moments,
and a lot of things that I had to do
to get him out what I did, And there's some
(54:10):
regret on my side that I never filed for protection
against him or charged him, because I never would want
him to do that to anybody else. But I also
know what our system looks like when it comes to
domestic violence, and I also know that I was still
(54:30):
in a lot of shame and really still dealing with
everything that I had just experienced. And the following weeks,
as I ended that relationship and forced no contact and
changed locks and did everything that I possibly could. I mean,
he was still following me. I'd be out with friends,
trying to get my mind off things, and he would
follow me home from a bar and he'd be racing
(54:52):
his car next to mine. Very erratic, very terrifying. He
keeped my car. He was peeking into the windows of
my house to see if I was home or if
somebody was there with me. And finally, you know, I
call his parents and was like, you have to get
him to stop or I will file against him. So
that's what you guys would like me to do. I can't.
(55:12):
And that was the only way I knew how to
get him to stop, because somewhere or another, he still
had a relationship with his family and they did get
him to stop. Eventually. I haven't spoken to this man
since I left. Part of why I bought my house.
What I did was for safety. It was a new
place to live where he hopefully couldn't find me. It
had this is why I have Fort Knox here, and
(55:36):
I made friends with my neighbors. People knew what he
looked like, so I had community again and I had
my whole support a system back after being isolated. And
then after that relationship, it took me a really long
time to heal and it's not a relationship that I
wished for anybody to ever be a man or a woman.
(55:57):
And there's even still a lot of pain sharing this
story today, because there's still shame, there's still sadness. But
I have healed and learned so much about who I am,
and if anything, I want this journal entry to be
a hopeful reminder for people who may find themselves in
(56:18):
these situations that there is a way out, that you
should get out, you will be okay again, that you
can be safe, that going to bed every night afraid
and in survival mode is not normal and not okay.
That's my only hope for sharing all of this is
that maybe somebody leaves. And I don't think in my
(56:42):
entire life this will ever be a story I can
share without getting emotional. It's just going to be part
of that and it will be part of my story,
but one that I feel like needs to be heard.
My voice needs to be heard because I don't want
anybody to stay in a relationship that is like this.
I want people to be safely and securely loved and
(57:06):
cared for because we all deserve that. And I know
that there's going to be some people who have a
lot to say that I share the story, and that's okay.
I also know there's a lot of people that are
not going to understand why I share the story, and
that's okay too. But for the people that need to
hear it, I hope it finds you. I also want
(57:27):
to make something very clear, there is nothing verbal, emotional,
or physical abuse that is ever okay in any relationship, friendship, family, relationship.
You should always deserve the right to be respected and
listen to and understood and dealt with compassion. So if
(57:49):
you ever find yourself in these situations and you don't
feel like you have support, I hope you reach out
to me. I'd rather you feel like you have someone
than no one, because I miss you. You two and
there is always a way to get through this, and
there's a way to get out, and I want that
for anybody who is dealing with this, has dealt with this.
(58:09):
I'm also the person who can proudly say here that
I am healed. It's also why looking for love is
so hard for me, because I truly am looking for
the right, safe, secure partner and that is honestly hard
to find. It's going to take a special person to
trust my heart with, and I've had good experiences recently
(58:32):
because of the work that I've done on myself, because
of the time, attention, and care I put into healing
after this relationship. But there will always be a scar
and it will always exist. The best part about scars, though,
is they tell a story, and that's my story. Thanks
for listening to it. Thanks for listening to this episode.
(58:55):
If nothing else, I hope it brought awareness and I
hope you are able to be kind to yourself and
make sure you always surround yourself with people who are
kind to you. Thanks for being here.
Personally with Fuelsman. This episode is very important because we're
discussing a topic that is not openly discussed enough abuse,
domestic violence, and everything in between. I know this topic
is hard to hear about, but it's even harder for
those who've experienced it. I have some personal experience with
this topic, and it was time that I shared some
(00:35):
more about it in hopes I can bring some more
awareness and help others understand some behaviors better. First, I
have on Kyla Steele sharing her story and why she's
now a post abuse recovery expert, and then I'll share
an audio journal entry of my first hand account on
this topic and why it's so important an episode like
(00:55):
this exists. This is a very important episode for me personally,
but also because I found somebody on social media who
shares a lot of similarities in an experience I've had
in my life. Her name's Kyla Steele, and she's a
post abuse recovery expert. But more importantly, she's also somebody
(01:17):
who has been through an abusive relationship as have I.
So I'm I don't want to say excited to have
you on, but I'm really looking forward for us to
talk Hi Kyla, how are you.
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I'm so good. Thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
And it feels weird when I say that. It's not
that I'm not excited to talk with you, but it's
a difficult topic that excited doesn't feel like the right
word to use.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Yeah, I agree, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
But I am really happy that you were willing to
share your story. And as I've mentioned in moments of
my time working on the radio show that I do
and doing this podcast, people have heard kind of bits
and pieces, but I felt it was time. It's been
about eight years for me now, and I think it's
really time for me to share a lot more in
(02:03):
depth of my story and the experiences I had. And
finding your content on social media also showed that that's
something that you do. So I would love to hear
how you got into this line of work and your
story and why it brought you to where you are now.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah. Well, it definitely is not like a linear journey
at all.
Speaker 1 (02:24):
It never is. That's okay, never is.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
But it's crazy because it is like this full circle moment. Ultimately,
when I had left my abusive relationship, it was a
seven year long relationship I was I met him when
I was eighteen, and I left when I was twenty five,
and so when I had left, there was not a
lot awareness around abuse or emotional abuse or cycle pose
(02:50):
like a lot of women do. I went to a
walk in doctor because I'm like, I'm so incredibly depressed.
I need someone to validate me and like, just give
me some direction and where to go. And it's funny
because this one doctor and I actually didn't even take
it seriously at the time, but he asked me, and no,
(03:10):
no doctor has ever done this, but he asked me
these three questions and he was like, I told him
everything about my relationship and then he was like, okay,
so let me ask you this, like how do you
want to feel in the future. And I was like,
I want to be happy. That's why I'm here. That's
why i'm here. I'm miserable. He's like okay, He's like, well,
what is something that you're really passionate about. Well, I
(03:32):
really want to help people, and I want to see
more of the world. I want to travel the world.
He was like, okay, and what's a big life goal
of yours? And I was like, oh, I want to
have a hobby farm. And I want to raise a
family like out in the country and build my dream house.
That's what you need to do right now, Kyla. You
need to find your passion that involves helping people where
(03:53):
you can travel around the world and bring in enough
income to build that dream house with your family and
have a farm. And I was like, okay, Like I
don't understand how this is going to help me. I'm
like heartbroken right now. And so a couple of years
go by, I'm still grieving the relationship. I'm still very
(04:15):
much like heavily in this victim mentality, dating the same
types of men. And I was in school and criminology.
I was pursuing to become a police officer and it
didn't feel aligned to me. I was not excited about it.
And just one day I was like, oh, like, this
cannot be it for me. I'm not excited about it.
(04:35):
What can I do? And I always had this like
entrepreneurial mindset, but it was never something that was like
the norm, and so I thought I had to work
this nine to five. And so it's funny because a
couple of years later, I like circled back to what
that doctor had said to me, and so I was
just writing in my notebook, Okay, how can I make
(04:55):
a career out of this? And during that time, I
was listening to a podcast. I don't know if you've
heard of him, but it's Rob Dial the Mindset mentor Yes,
and he started talking about whatever painful situation you've been through,
like you can help so many people, and just talking
about life coaching, and I'm like, okay, this is something
(05:18):
that I can do. And then from there on, I
like just made the decision I'm going to do this.
I had no idea what I was doing, and so
I just started speaking about my story and yeah, here
we are a couple of years later.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Okay, so I want to get into a few parts
of this. When you say, doctor, did you just go
to a regular doctor? Are you talking to a therapist?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
No? I didn't even have any money for a therapist.
This was strictly a walk in doctor.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Wow, okay, really cool doctor, because not often is that
what happens?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
I know. And a couple prior to that wanted to
put me on antidepressants and I was like, I really
want to try to heal this the natural way, and
so I never went that route. And yeah, he honestly,
he's amazing.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
And then also you had mentioned your relationship was several
years long. If I had to guess that was not
a consistent several years.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Long, No, no, it was not.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Okay, walk me through your relationship a little bit, and
I don't want to say abuse you endured, but your
experience is with abuse in this particular relationship.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
I met him when I was eighteen, and at that
age I was going through a lot. I was partying
a lot, hanging out with a bad crowd. My parents
were in this spot where they were maybe going to separate,
maybe divorce, and that was really hard on me. I
got kicked out of the house for using drugs, and
(06:53):
so I was living with not very good people. And
so I was a very baroken girl when I met him,
very low self esteem. I had other little high school
relationships where I was the first boyfriend I ever had.
He cheated on me. So I had met my ex
during that time after that relationship where I got cheated
(07:14):
on in high school. At the beginning, he was like
my knight in Charming or Shining Armor. He would drop
flowers off at my house and he'd walk me home
and like in the pouring rain, send me these notes.
He was just everything that I wanted. But it was
always like a little bit rocky, like we were abusing
(07:36):
alcohol and partying a lot, and so there would be
a lot of fights, and there was always almost like
every other month. I was always like, I can't do this,
I can't do this. No, this isn't going to work.
And he always knew how to charm me back into
the relationship, and so as soon as I graduated high school,
(07:58):
we ended up living together. And so once we started
living together, that's when the emotional and verbal abuse started
to get a little bit worse. And it would just
be him like leaving the house for days like abandonment,
but then coming back in and acting as if nothing happened.
(08:22):
And by that time, you're already so deep into the
trauma bond, which is this like emotional dependency, and so
leaving became so much harder. And at that time, the
good times outweighed the bad. But then as the years
went on and he had way more control over me,
(08:42):
it then turned into like way more bad times, and
then the bad times would get a lot worse. So
a lot of manipulation, a lot of lying, infidelity, like
destroying the house, property damage, things like that. So yeah,
it got over time, it just kept getting worse and worse.
(09:02):
And I had left at one point, I had left
for eight months. And I don't think a lot of
women know this, but just because you leave the relationship
doesn't mean you're not trauma bonded to them anymore. I
still had so many codependency wounds that I wasn't dealing with,
and so eight months later I was still just as
(09:23):
heartbroken and so dependent on him that I went back
for another two years.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Everything that you're saying I unfortunately relate to, and I
also unfortunately know a lot of people can relate to.
It's more common than we know because oftentimes with abusive relationships,
what happens behind closed doors is never what's happening out
in the world. It only happens within the home. And
(09:49):
so it's really easy, especially much like it sounded yours was,
when they're super charming and there seem like this great
person and they're out in the world and everybody loves them. Heck,
my family loved him at one point when I was
dating him, And yeah, you know that experience, But you're
the one who's experiencing different things behind closed doors. But
(10:11):
it gives you a very interesting dynamic where you are
questioning everything all the time because nothing seems real because
one moment you have this person, the next you have
a different person. So everything you're saying, I can totally relate.
And we're gonna break a few of these down in
different directions. Okay, Yeah, something you had mentioned was how
(10:34):
it was good moments and there was bad and he'd
pull you back in. I think a lot of times
when I talk about my abusive relationship, people will be like, well,
why didn't you just leave? Why didn't you just get
out of it? Why didn't you just stop? And you're
talking about the trauma bond. The trauma bond is so important,
(10:55):
and it's so important when it comes to relationships like this.
This is the only time that this phrase actually is
and should be used. There are not trauma bonds and
other scenarios. This is what it is meant to be
used for is abusive relationships. And it's so unique and
you feel so connected to this person. So talk me
(11:16):
through for you from the experience of why didn't you
just leave? Why why didn't you just one day say stop?
Tell me that experience for you, because I also can
attest that it was never as easy as why don't
you just leave?
Speaker 2 (11:31):
No? And never so for me, I felt this like
great responsibility to help him, Like I because when you
see them being so loving and being so funny in
all these amazing qualities, you're like, yes, you can be
(11:53):
like this, you can be so much better. Like you're
only acting this way because you're hurt and broken person,
and that is true, but it makes it so it
almost makes it like it's your responsibility, Like you just
you feel like you love this person so much that
you just you don't want to abandon them, and you
(12:15):
and I think, like for me, it's like women that
get into these types of relationships are extremely empathetic, good hearted,
beautiful women, and they really just have these wounds of
just being wanted and loved, and so it's like if
(12:35):
they put their purpose into changing this person, then they're
feeling fulfilled inside, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Yep, very much. So it was where I started to
really hate that I had a big heart. He was
the beginning of that experience for me. M And I'm
sure you can attest to that you start to hate
that you're empathetic. You hate that you want have this
desire to help people. You hate that somebody has used
that against you because now you don't want to use
(13:04):
it anymore. They take that power away from you.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, yeah, they do. Yeah, And it's hard because when
you're in those relationships, you really give it your all,
and then when you leave, you're like, I can never
do this again, and I don't think I'll ever want
to do this again, and so it's really unfortunate and
soul crushing because you know, it's like they took your
(13:31):
innocence away, right, and you have so much love to give,
and when they just when you almost tell yourself that
you can never do that again, it's really unfortunate because
the right man really does deserve that from you.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Something I experienced often was a constant push and pull.
I felt like we would be connected and then something
would happen and then we'd be back to this very
toxic going at each other all the time. Because there
was a part of me that was always fighting. There
was a part of me that always wanted to stick
up for myself and always understand that I shouldn't take this.
(14:10):
But when you mentioned that trauma bond. I don't think
people understand what happens in a trauma bond. You feel
so connected to this person that even when they are
hurting you, you feel like they still love you. And
can you imagine a more complicated experience than having that.
(14:31):
So did you have that same experience with that trauma bond?
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Oh, one hundred percent. And I think that's why women
have such a hard time with believing that they're abusive,
and they make uses for that because it's like, no,
I know, he would never intentionally do this to hurt me.
And I think that is the hardest part out of
(14:56):
it all, is accepting that they never loved you, And
that makes one feel very crazy because you're in this
completely twisted, distorted reality that's I have in reality. That's
the hardest part about it. For me, at least, there.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Was a moment for me. I want to say it
took three years after this relationship ended for me to
finally come to terms with the fact that I was
in an abusive relationship. I don't think I could accept
for a really long time that had happened to me.
Did you ever experience that? Do you experience that a
lot with your clients? Where there's just this moment of
(15:38):
it finally clicks, but most of the time it takes
a really long time for that to happen.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Yes, it's interesting because I actually just had a coaching
call with one of my clients and she was offered
a domestic violence worker for this mediation, and she had
expressed that she wasn't sure if she needed one or
wanted one, And it's so hard for me to accept
that I need one, and I think for a lot
(16:06):
of women, it's because when you're in that relationship, your
brain is rewired to believe that you're overreacting, that you're crazy,
that you're the toxic one. And so imagine all those years,
however long you've been in that relationship and someone telling
you that that is going to affect your brain. And
(16:28):
so it's almost like this little voice in your head
sometimes when I put out even content on my social
media and I tell a story, like sometimes I'm like, oh,
I like, I hear him in my head being like
that's not true, that didn't happen, Like you're overexaggerating. And
so I think it just all comes with that little
(16:49):
voice in your head with what they have been conditioning
you to believe.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Well, and you mentioned that kind of control they have
over your mind. When I was in this, there was
moments where it would be really bad and I will
have ended it. I say I'm done, leave me alone,
and he would show up to my work with flowers,
he would follow me when I was out in public,
he would just show up on my doorstep. He would
threaten suicide. He did so many things that made me
(17:17):
feel like I did not have control, even though I
did in a way, but there was like this survival
in me that existed where I felt I had to
accept it because it was more important for me to
survive those scenarios than to tell him no. And that's
(17:41):
a really hard thing to come to terms with when
you look back. There's a lot of shame associated with
that that you feel like you couldn't put your foot
down when really you didn't have control in the first place.
Because imagine somebody's really threatening your life and who you
are and your safety as a human being, and you're
(18:01):
just supposed to say no, I'm going to walk away,
please leave me alone. But this is someone who notoriously
does not listen, So that experience is also part of this,
and I know you had mentioned something like this in
your content and social media, like where they find this
way to pull you back in. Can you give some
examples of what you've seen you heard some of mine,
(18:24):
but maybe for other people, because I think it's really
easy to mistake some of those things as love and
as somebody really wanting you when it isn't.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
I think a big one is like the jealousy or
the control. So them saying, oh I reacted that way
at the bar because I really care about you and
I want you to be safe kind of thing. I
think honestly, all the ones that you just said, my
ex did as well, and those are all big ones.
(19:00):
They call that hoovering, the stalking, and yeah, I think
that's a way for them to maintain control and to
always see where you're at. And again, like you said,
threatening suicide, my ex as well did that. I love
you so much that if you don't stay with me,
I'm gonna die again. That's just all control. So I
(19:22):
think the ones that you sat are all from what
I've heard, are all the big ones.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Yeah, it's really tough, and it's I feel like in
a lot of scenarios we've really been taught to sometimes
accept the bare minimum because I don't know if you
ever had this experience for your relationship, But for me,
I really wanted to make things work. I was told
that once you're in it with somebody, you figure it
(19:49):
out and you work through things together. But what I
was failing to realize in this relationship, because I had
zero experience with abuse, was that I was the only
one that actually wanted to make something work. I was
the only one who was fighting for something that didn't
really exist. Do you have some experience with that too, yes?
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And I think it's so interesting because you see movies
and it's almost like that type of like intense fighting
and then leaving and not coming back for months, and
then then all of a sudden showing up on your
doorstep with flowers and a huge apology and all these
(20:30):
grand gestures. Like I know, for me, that was normalized, right,
Fights are normal, we say things we don't mean. It
was just so normalized for me. I don't think I
ever growing up had a positive role model of what
a relationship should be like. So I don't know if
(20:50):
that's the same for you. If you ever had you know,
someone you looked up to with like a healthy love.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
I did, my parents did. But I think from my experience,
this is so hard because I just thought because I
hadn't had a lot of good experiences before in relationships,
I had much to your point, I had been cheated
on in every relationship I have up until my most
recent one, like this has gone through my entire life.
(21:22):
And because I had never had good experiences in relationships before,
I almost thought, well, this is someone who really loves
me so much that they're really willing to go through it.
It's twisted my mind in a way. He twisted my mind.
But then I added to it because I couldn't understand
(21:42):
that's not what a relationship looked like. Because I had
been cheated on. I was like, well, this is somebody
who's who really loves me that they're gonna they're gonna
fight for me, and they might fight me, but they're
gonna fight for me. And that just felt weird. That
was such an unusual experience for me, and to have
that experience for the first time, I was so ill
(22:04):
equipped to handle it. My body didn't know what to do.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Yeah, yeah, it is. It's almost like some deep down
subconsciously for me. I think because I was always surrounded
by chaos, toxic friendships, even toxic relationships up until being
(22:29):
fifteen and having my first boyfriend, and so I think
deep down I thrived in chaos and I was always
in survival mode. And so because I had never experienced
calm or peace, that was weird to me, and so
I associated chaos and fights with passion and love. And
(22:56):
looking back, I can see why I wanted to go
into play because I said, well, I really want to
help people, but I also need something that's going to
keep me on my toes. And I think once I
finally found that piece regulated my nervous system and healed
all these wounds, I was like, oh no, Like I
(23:17):
do not thrive in this situation anymore.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
So I think a big part of it, too, is
like subconsciously we associate chaos with passion and love.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
And to your point, I think so many movies and
TV shows have also taught us that, so we are
what we see out into the world. For you, did
you experience after this relationship, and maybe you haven't gotten
to this point yet, but dating and finding healthy relationships, now,
what's that experience been like for you?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Yes? Oh, gosh. So I was actually in a year
and a half very healthy relationship for the first time. Unfortunately,
we parted ways last October, but it was my first
healthy relationship and it was hard, but I was self
aware enough to be like, Okay, Kayla, you can work
(24:09):
through these things now, and it Honestly, I guess I
can fully say now that I'm a cycle breaker, and
I broke the cycle because yeah, I have experienced a
healthy relationship and it is a breath of fresh air.
I never thought I would be a be into a
healthy relationship. I always thought it would be boring, and
(24:30):
that's just simply not true. It's not true.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
It's a mind trick that we definitely play on ourselves,
for sure. When you were having that first healthy relationship
in the beginning, was there a lot of moments of
PTSD where you wanted to create chaos because you didn't
know how to handle non chaos.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
Oh yeah, yeah, I wanted to self sabotage the shit
out of that relationship. Oh there's a tiny little problem here.
Let's blow this out of proportion so I can leave
because I'm extremely uncomfortable right now.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
And it is, and to your credit, it at least
sounds like you found someone who is willing to be
a safe space and work through those things for you.
And I think that's really an important part of post
abusive relationship dating, where you have to truly be able
to find someone who is a safe space and who
isn't gonna take advantage of that side of you because
(25:29):
it is would you ever when you were dating and
probably dating again now and this is a part of
your story, It's a part of who you are. So
when you talk about this stuff dating and you're like, Okay, crap,
we're getting to the part where I'm gonna have to
be vulnerable and I'm gonna have to share that this
is a part of who I am. What is that
(25:50):
like for you when that starts to happen.
Speaker 2 (25:54):
Oh yeah. And because I'm so like public on social
media too, if anyone else me for like my Instagram,
I'm like, no, let's wait on it a little bit.
I'd rather tell you things in person. But I think
before I would always lead with my past going into relationships,
and I think I still was very much in that
(26:16):
like victim mentality and also subconsciously still looking for the
same types of men because I was still so like
my holy identity revolved around this man, and so I
think that's why I kept repeating those relationships. But now
I'm trying to really not lead with that because that's
just a part of my chapter. It's not who I am,
(26:39):
and so it's not something that I would open up
about right away, but definitely in the future. Like if
I'm comfortable with the person, then I'd be comfortable opening
up about it, And if they were more curious about it,
like I'm an open book and if that scares them,
then cool. If not, then that's my person. Oh great.
(27:01):
But yeah, I think I see a lot of women
because I did this too, and I know a lot
of other women do this, is they'll lead with their past.
I have trust issues because of this, and I have
a hard time opening up because of this. And you
can't go into it like that, you really can't. You
have to heal those parts of you. And I always say,
(27:23):
it's not that you don't trust other people, it's that
you lack trust within yourself, because you ultimately, last time
you got into a relationship, you made the wrong decision.
And so if you really want to gain control and
power back over your life, you have to take responsibility
for those things and heal those things. Although abuse is
(27:45):
never your fault, you have to understand what brought you
into that relationship mm hmm.
Speaker 1 (27:52):
And to your point, healing that trust with yourself is
one of the hardest things to do. I still struggle
with that and still make my little dark humor jokes
from like I have trusted Sheeley don't do that, and
I just don't because I panic and I'm like, I
know what this means, but I don't want to talk
about it right now, you know what I mean? Yeah,
And I think that's very real. That's a really real
(28:14):
part of the post side of this that gets lost
in the mix because so much of it is recovering
and a lot of PTSD and a lot of trauma
that you're getting rid of. That that trust with yourself
rebuilding is not easy to trust that you're going to
make the right decisions. Again, I don't know how many
times I sat in a therapist's office and I said
(28:37):
I don't think this is the right call and they're like, well, why,
I'm like, I don't know. I just don't believe it.
I don't believe anything anymore. I don't trust that any
of this is going to work out. I don't trust
that anybody's going to have my back. I don't trust
that I'm going to make the right call. There was
so much in trust, and when you said that, it
was like it triggered another thing in me. I was like, Oh, yeah,
that's still deep down in there somewhere it's lingers.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Yeah, per yeah. And I think ultimately building trust within
yourself is just becoming so crystal clear on who you are.
Because if you know what your morals are and you
know what your values are and you're living life in
alignment to those, then making decisions for yourself is going
(29:21):
to become a thousand times easier.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Will you also elaborate on the victim mentality because that
was an experience I had to where I really had
to get out of this victim mentality.
Speaker 2 (29:34):
Yeah. Same here. It's something so obviously traumatic that happens
to you, and it's so easy to put your whole
identity in that. And I think that just comes with
you not wanting to let go of something and it's
(29:55):
so powerful, Like the words that you say are so powerful,
and there has to be I think where the shift
happens is you have to realize, okay, this, yes, this
happened to me. But once you shift it to like, okay,
(30:15):
how was this happening for me? And what can I
do to become better from this? That's when you can
shift out of it. But it's so much easier. I
guess it's not easier, but sometimes it can feel easier
to just sit in that pain because changing is hard, right.
Acknowledging your mistakes as a human being is hard. It
(30:38):
hurts your ego a little bit, and so sometimes it
just is more comfortable to just sit in that.
Speaker 1 (30:47):
Do you ever get clients that come to you and
they're like, I think I'm in this, but I don't know. Oh, yes,
What do you tell them when they come to you
and they're in this position? Because I do think a
lot of people will often hear my story. I'm sure
they see yours and they're like, gosh, that sounds really familiar.
But that couldn't be me. That's not me. There's no
(31:08):
way that's what my relationship is. So when they come
to you and they say, I think this is happening
to me, what are you doing with them to help
them see what's actually happening or how are you helping
them work through that potential experience.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
I think just first of all, validating their experience, and
I know a lot of women just want to be
validated and heard and understood, and ultimately, if you're questioning it,
it's a pretty good indicator that something is going on.
(31:45):
It's so tricky because abuse is not like one size
fits all. We get into this like comparing like spiraling loop,
and we then will go and analyze like the nurse
and look up all these like traits of a narcissist
and all these things, and at the end of the day,
(32:07):
if they are making you anxious and you're not feeling safe,
I think a lot of women know that something's not right,
but accepting it more so is like the hard part,
right because then they know that they have to leave,
and so they're like justifying the behavior so they don't
they don't want to leave.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
Well, leaving a normal relationship is hard. You don't want
to end something you're comfortable with. Your point change is hard.
So then you add on the layers of well, this
is tumultuous, or it's toxic, or it's abusive, and you
just threw fifteen extra layers onto what that leaving procedure
is probably going to look like. And to your point,
(32:49):
it isn't a one size fits all, But I love
what you said that if you feel like something is wrong,
that's your sign. If you're already questioning it, that's all
really you need to know, because truly, and I, for
my personal experience, like I, it took me recognizing it
(33:12):
and leaving at vastly different timelines. Me realizing when it
was happening to me versus when I finally was able
to leave and feel safe, to get out and make
my very land and executed exit was a very long
time in between. And I think that happens for most people.
And unfortunately there is a even much harder side of
(33:34):
this where it doesn't have a good ending. And that's
also my hope in bringing you on and talking about this,
even though it is so hard, is I don't want
that ending for everyone. And you said it like, you
should feel safe, you should feel happy in a relationship,
you should feel good, and if you weren't feeling those things,
(33:55):
this is beyond having an argument and a disagreement about life.
This is not being able to exist with another person
without feeling anxiety all the time, Like I would sleep
next to my ex and I would be terrified. There
were nights I would not sleep because I did not
know what was coming. And I know that that's a
similar experience for a lot of people abuse, because you
(34:17):
just you don't know what you're going to sleep next to.
You don't know what you're waking up next to, you
don't know what that next day is going to bring.
And I think your advice was so great for that though,
because it as much as it's not a one size
fits all, that very intuition, gut feeling is so important.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
Yeah, and you said it right there. Awareness is not
enough to leave. Like I was a criminology student, this
is where I learned about all these narcissistic personality disorders
because we actually have to diagnose criminals. And I'm like,
oh my god, my boyfriend is like that. My boyfriend
does that, And I started calling him out on all
(34:57):
the you're being manipulative, your gaslighting. These terms weren't a thing,
and that's how I learned them. But again, I knew
he was doing this to me, and it wasn't enough
to leave. And ultimately, you need to have, like I
treat it like an addiction. And so every person who
(35:17):
has a drinking problem, they all have that pivotal moment,
that breaking point. They all remember that story, like the
defining moment where they're like, I've had enough, I'm done.
I remember mine, and you're at some point you have
to reach that like pivotal defining moment for yourself. And
(35:40):
it all depends on your pain tolerance. It all depends
on what is going on inside of you and your body, right,
and we all have different levels of pain and what
our threshold is. And so obviously I never wanted to
get to that point. But that's why it's so hard
for me, Like I won't coach with and if they're
(36:00):
still in the abuse of relationship just because I know
no one can tell you when to leave. You have
to have that defining moment for yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
That's so true. It is because you could have everybody
screaming at you from the rooftops that this is the
worst thing, but until you feel it, much like addiction,
that's also a great way of comparing it. You have
to decide that for yourself. You have to have the
strength to walk away, because if you don't, you will
go back. You will find yourself in this situation again,
(36:31):
and strength is so important at the end, I wanted
to ask you. I saw on your social media pages
that you had said you won't label yourself as a
survivor of abuse. We share why and that kind of
reasoning for you.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
I don't want it to become my whole identity. This
is something that I had lived through operience, and it
was a big chapter in my life, but I ultimately
have my control and my power back, and I don't
(37:10):
want to see myself as a survivor anymore. I'm now thriving,
So I don't like it because I know, I just
know what it can do to your mind and how
it can affect life decisions. I feel like if I
still refer to myself as a victim and a survivor,
(37:33):
then I feel like I would have less control over
my future and the relationships that I choose, because at
the end of the day, we actually do get to
decide what relationships we get to be in.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Yeah. I love that I had seen that, and I
wanted to hear it from your words because I feel
the same way. And it's like the stages of grief,
but the stages of abuse a little bit where when
I came out of it, I was in denial that
it ever happened to me. Then I came to terms
with and I was like, okay, I am a survivor.
And then you come out of that and you're like, Okay,
that's now just part of my story. It's very much
(38:07):
stages that you experience. But gosh, I wish everybody could
get to that the place that you're in now quicker.
And that's so hard because you're coming from someone who
spent three years working on herself after my experience where
I was like, don't touch me, don't talk to me.
I don't I have things to figure out.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
Yeah, one hundred percent. That's my goals. Just help as
many women as possible. You don't have to struggle this long,
like I've made all the mistakes for you, guys, I
promise you, like I will guide you the right way,
like you don't have to. You don't have to struggle
in silence.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah. I love what you're doing and I'm really glad
you came on and shared parts of your story. And
is there anything you would like to leave us on,
anything we didn't touch on or talk about, or maybe
some words of wisdom. However you want to leave us,
I'm leaving this floor to you.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
Oh yeah, almost what here?
Speaker 1 (39:01):
I just have to make sure if there's anything else
that I didn't touch on that you feel so important,
I want this to be the space for that.
Speaker 2 (39:08):
Yeah, I guess. I just want to let women know
if you think that you will never find love or
you'll never love someone like that again, Like that, I
from someone who was crying to her mom saying I
will never love someone like that again. I promise you
you will, and it will be the best kind of love,
(39:29):
and that love will be with yourself first before anything.
And so anyone who is in their fields right now
about that this is coming from someone who felt that,
and just know that is just simply not true at all.
You'll get through it.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
The perfect way to end us on I echo that statement.
That's beautiful and thank you for sharing again, thanks for talking.
Speaker 2 (39:52):
With me, Thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
This week felt appropriate for me to do another audio
journal entry where I shared a piece of my story
with you guys. This episode was really important to me
to do because I have personal experience with an abusive
relationship and I'm not coming on here to share this
story for sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me.
I share it because I think using our voices in
(40:23):
platforms to share stories like this is what matters. And
just like everybody else, I'm human and I want to
feel connected to I want other people to hear this
story and say, hey, I had this too, and this
is my experience because I don't want to feel alone
in it, and I know if I feel that way,
then other people feel that way. So I share these
(40:45):
journal entries in hopes that it allows us to feel
connected when maybe you hear something that I've went through
and it makes you feel seen. In my early twenties,
I was in a couple year long abusive relationship and
you heard me talk to Kayla about this a little
bit where it took me about three years after that
(41:07):
relationship to come to terms with the fact that I
was in an abusive relationship. I had never had any
experience with anything like that. My parents are still together.
I had never been technically in an abusive physically relationship before.
But my past relationships didn't look that great either when
(41:29):
I looked back on them after this relationship was said
and done. My history before my abusive relationship. I had
three serious relationships, and every single one they cheated on me.
One of them was a little bit more on the
controlling side, and they all had things that would resemble
a chaotic, not safe relationship for somebody, but none of
(41:53):
them were abusive. So I didn't quite understand what was
happening to me when I found myself in an abuse relationship.
Now I'm not going to detail from start to finish
this entire thing. I'm just going to share some pieces
and moments that happened that allowed me to understand and
eventually leave and do better for myself. So at the
(42:14):
beginning of this relationship, when it first started, he was charming.
He was handsome. Everybody loved him, my family, my friends.
He did everything right. He wooed me, swept me off
my feet, he was romantic, He did everything that a
girl would want a partner to do, and so I
fell for him quickly. He made me feel safe in
(42:38):
the beginning, he made me feel seen, and what I
realized was it was him shaping me, understanding me in
every way that he could, so one day he could
use all of that against me. And that was just
the beginning. As our relationship continued is when the emotional
abuse started. The control and he had a problem with alcohol,
(42:59):
so that played it to this in a much larger picture.
But it was often fights, and he was often very
emotionally verbally abusive and would say a lot of aggressive
things to me or common on things that I'm wearing
or want to approve of the things that I would
post on social media. He would not like half the
things we'd talk about. On my main job on the
(43:21):
Bobby Bone Show. I'd come home almost two three times
a week to a fight. He heard something, saw something,
and he didn't like it. There was no trust. It
was like he wanted everything to always be wrong, which
was a drastic change from the person that I had
first started dating, and so it really threw me. I
didn't understand what was happening. This was a completely different
(43:44):
human being, and as I do an EmPATH often does,
I wanted to fix things. I wanted to make this
relationship work, also because I often felt like with all
of my failed relationships that I played such significant role.
Why was I the one always being cheated on? What
were all of these things having to do with me?
(44:05):
Why was that happening? It had to be a meat problem,
and so when he had first started doing this, I
recall feeling just very vulnerable and like it was my fault,
even though looking back now I absolutely know that it
was not. I couldn't come to terms with that. That
was another thing that took me a while to understand
(44:25):
that this wasn't my fault. That while I was in
the relationship and I had things to work on because
of that, me being a victim of abuse was not
my fault. I can recall the moment when it first
started getting physically abusive. He shoved me into the shower
and I kind of thought to myself, Oh, well that's
(44:48):
that's not horrible. We just, you know, got an altercation.
And then a few days later he was acting very
aggressive towards my dog, Remy. And anybody who knows me
no is that my dog Remy is my lifeline. She
is my everything. So do see him act that way
towards her brought out a different side of me. I
(45:08):
started becoming very angry back with him. I wasn't docile,
I wasn't blaming myself. I was mad, and him doing
that in that moment was the start of the downturn
for us, because then I also remember moments in our relationship.
One time we were headed to a dinner and I
(45:29):
really wanted to pull over to save this dog that
I saw running and dodging traffic, and he was like, no,
we have places to be. You can't do this. It's
not allowed. And I was like not allowed, Like this
is who I am? What do you mean not allowed?
And he was like, you have to keep driving? And
I something that I wish I didn't do was continue driving.
I wish I would have pulled over and tried to
(45:49):
save that dog and did what identified for me, but
I couldn't. I was at this moment in survival mode.
I was just doing whatever I could to keep the peace,
and him doing that was another ticker that allowed me
to see things and start opening my eyes and understand
what was happening. There's another time we were driving on
one of the bridges here in Nashville and there was
(46:13):
a water bottle in the car and he got upset.
To me, I have no idea what that reason was,
but he got upset and he opened the water bottle
and splashed it all over me, and of course I
was incredibly upset because to my knowledge, I can't remember
what I did wrong that had upset him in this moment.
And then he all let me get out of the car. Mind,
(46:35):
you were on a bridge walking. It's midnight at this point,
and I got out of the car because I remember
I didn't want to be anywhere near him in that moment,
and so I was kind of happy that he was
kicking me out of the car. But I didn't have
any keys with me. I didn't have my own car.
How was I going to get home? I had my phone,
I could call an uber, but it was midnight and
(46:56):
I'm alone in a dark area of town and I'm
walking on this bridge and he's just driving next to me,
brading me, angry at me, and that moment sticks out
in my brain as well. In our relationship, it was
another tick. It was another thing that was going wrong.
And at this point you could listen and say, well,
both of those things happened at that point. Why didn't
you leave the relationship? That's always a question people who
(47:19):
are in abusive relationships get why didn't you leave sooner?
And he was so good, so manipulative, and so good
at controlling and gaslighting every scenario that he always made
me feel like it was my fault. Every time would
get in a fight, it was my fault. Those things
would happen, and he would twist the story in my
head and think that I did something wrong, and I
(47:40):
would take it and my brain couldn't compute what was happening.
I couldn't understand what was true, what was reality. He
was warping it. And so every time we'd get in
these fights, he'd come back, he'd bring flowers, he'd gosh,
there's so many times he did these grand, romantic gestures
(48:01):
after one of these things happened, and I'm like, Okay,
this is normal. I didn't know that it wasn't normal. Again,
I'd never experienced this before. I have no idea what's happening.
It didn't feel right and I didn't feel safe, but
I couldn't understand, and there was so much shame in
it that I didn't talk to anybody about it. I
didn't want to tell anybody that this was happening to me.
(48:23):
I was a shamed that I was in this. Anybody
who knows me know that I'm also incredibly driven, and
so to me, it was a problem. To fix. It
was something that I had to push forward and make
better because I was playing a role in this. After
that moment happened and a lot of apologies, it kept
(48:43):
progressing past that, and I'll save all the gosh details
of a lot of those incidentss These are the ones
that I can remember. There's a lot of things that
I blocked out. There's a lot of things that I
still can't quite recall, and I'm not sure the true
story on they were bad. One of the moments and
the end that I really recall was when he took
(49:06):
away my keys in my phone after an argument and
was trapping me inside my apartment. He was trying not
to let me leave. At the end, I was really
most afraid for Remy, my dog. And I know that
sounds crazy to think, well, she's not safe, why wouldn't
she care about her life? But I was in survival
(49:27):
mode for her, and honestly I didn't have Remy. I
don't know if I would have survived in a lot
of ways, because Remy was my motivation for getting out.
Seeing her and now she was being treated allowed me
to see it from a bigger picture and get out
for her. And so when we were arguing and he
took away my phone and my keys, and he was
(49:48):
trying to trap me in my apartment. I had Remy
in my arms, which Remmy's a twenty pounds dog, so
it's kind of heavy, but I'm holding her, and I'm
waiting for a moment, any moment that I have to
just get out of the apartment. I didn't have shoes on,
I did't have keys, I didn't have a phone. I
didn't care. I just wanted to get out. And when
I got out, I didn't even yell for help. And
(50:09):
I wish I could tell you why. I wish I
could look back on that and be like, why didn't
you just go to a door and ask somebody for help?
But in my brain, I was already planning my exit
and calling for help and calling the police just felt
like a lot of things I wasn't ready to handle.
So when I saw my out of the apartment in
this moment, I ran outside of the apartment complex and
(50:31):
Roomy and I hid in the bushes for two hours,
just hoping that he would calm down and stop looking
for us. I remember him yelling in the parking lot
trying to find us, and I didn't really know what
was going to happen, and eventually he did calm down,
and I remember that night I tried to ask him
to leave. I told him I didn't want him around.
(50:52):
This happened a lot. There's a lot of times I
tried to ask him to leave or give me space,
and he never would. So there was a lot of
sleepless nights. There was a lot of nights that I
slept next to somebody, afraid of what was to come.
And I don't know if you've ever had to do that,
but gosh, I'll take any sleepless night now over that.
(51:12):
A feeling of not knowing what's to come, that was
close to the end that moment that night. He braided
me really badly when I finally came back, because I
didn't have anywhere to go, and I had support systems.
I had wonderful family and friends, but none of them
knew any of this was going on. And that's what
they do to you. They keep you trapped, They keep
(51:35):
you isolated from everybody that you love. They don't want
you to spend time with them because you and them
should only be spending time together and together with other people.
So not only had I not told anybody, but again.
I also felt so much shame that I had found
myself in this situation. But the night that it finally ended,
(51:56):
then had I finally left. I'll never forget it because
my boss Bobby was competing and dancing with the Stars
and it was the championship night and we had gotten
into a My ex and I had gotten into a
huge fight over something that was talked about on the show.
I think it was comparing the guys who's the hottest
(52:18):
on our show, and he was so mad that I
participated in that, and I just remember finally being like,
I'm done. I don't care what you say. I don't care.
None of this is reality. I had finally gotten the
glasses to come off, the trauma bond to break. I
had finally broken, and Remy was worth every ounce of
(52:42):
fighting for for me. And so that night when we
got into that fight, I got really lucky because he
had a game to go play with some friends. And
when he was away at his game, I packed up
everything in my apartment that I could in a big suitcase,
and thankfully we were right around Thanksgiving break. So I
call the girlfriend, and this girlfriend saved my life. I
(53:04):
called her without hesitation, she welcomed to me and Remy
in to stay the night until I could get on
a flight the next morning and head home. And I
will never be able to repay that French for what
she did for me. That was a really hard night,
because he called and he would contemplate suicide and he'd
send pictures. I got a picture of him putting a
(53:25):
belt on my ceiling fan, saying he was going to
commit suicide if I didn't come home or I didn't
call him back. And that friend helped me hold strong
and say you can't do this, made me turn off
my phone, and she kept me safe. She made sure
I ate, And then that next morning, I mean, I
flew home. I told my parents everything, and I asked
(53:45):
them to keep Remy from me so I could get out,
because I knew that if Remy was safe, then I
could start to focus on me and find my exit,
and I did. After that week break, I came back,
and there was lots of arguming and lots of scary moments,
and a lot of things that I had to do
to get him out what I did, And there's some
(54:10):
regret on my side that I never filed for protection
against him or charged him, because I never would want
him to do that to anybody else. But I also
know what our system looks like when it comes to
domestic violence, and I also know that I was still
(54:30):
in a lot of shame and really still dealing with
everything that I had just experienced. And the following weeks,
as I ended that relationship and forced no contact and
changed locks and did everything that I possibly could. I mean,
he was still following me. I'd be out with friends,
trying to get my mind off things, and he would
follow me home from a bar and he'd be racing
(54:52):
his car next to mine. Very erratic, very terrifying. He
keeped my car. He was peeking into the windows of
my house to see if I was home or if
somebody was there with me. And finally, you know, I
call his parents and was like, you have to get
him to stop or I will file against him. So
that's what you guys would like me to do. I can't.
(55:12):
And that was the only way I knew how to
get him to stop, because somewhere or another, he still
had a relationship with his family and they did get
him to stop. Eventually. I haven't spoken to this man
since I left. Part of why I bought my house.
What I did was for safety. It was a new
place to live where he hopefully couldn't find me. It
had this is why I have Fort Knox here, and
(55:36):
I made friends with my neighbors. People knew what he
looked like, so I had community again and I had
my whole support a system back after being isolated. And
then after that relationship, it took me a really long
time to heal and it's not a relationship that I
wished for anybody to ever be a man or a woman.
(55:57):
And there's even still a lot of pain sharing this
story today, because there's still shame, there's still sadness. But
I have healed and learned so much about who I am,
and if anything, I want this journal entry to be
a hopeful reminder for people who may find themselves in
(56:18):
these situations that there is a way out, that you
should get out, you will be okay again, that you
can be safe, that going to bed every night afraid
and in survival mode is not normal and not okay.
That's my only hope for sharing all of this is
that maybe somebody leaves. And I don't think in my
(56:42):
entire life this will ever be a story I can
share without getting emotional. It's just going to be part
of that and it will be part of my story,
but one that I feel like needs to be heard.
My voice needs to be heard because I don't want
anybody to stay in a relationship that is like this.
I want people to be safely and securely loved and
(57:06):
cared for because we all deserve that. And I know
that there's going to be some people who have a
lot to say that I share the story, and that's okay.
I also know there's a lot of people that are
not going to understand why I share the story, and
that's okay too. But for the people that need to
hear it, I hope it finds you. I also want
(57:27):
to make something very clear, there is nothing verbal, emotional,
or physical abuse that is ever okay in any relationship, friendship, family, relationship.
You should always deserve the right to be respected and
listen to and understood and dealt with compassion. So if
(57:49):
you ever find yourself in these situations and you don't
feel like you have support, I hope you reach out
to me. I'd rather you feel like you have someone
than no one, because I miss you. You two and
there is always a way to get through this, and
there's a way to get out, and I want that
for anybody who is dealing with this, has dealt with this.
(58:09):
I'm also the person who can proudly say here that
I am healed. It's also why looking for love is
so hard for me, because I truly am looking for
the right, safe, secure partner and that is honestly hard
to find. It's going to take a special person to
trust my heart with, and I've had good experiences recently
(58:32):
because of the work that I've done on myself, because
of the time, attention, and care I put into healing
after this relationship. But there will always be a scar
and it will always exist. The best part about scars, though,
is they tell a story, and that's my story. Thanks
for listening to it. Thanks for listening to this episode.
(58:55):
If nothing else, I hope it brought awareness and I
hope you are able to be kind to yourself and
make sure you always surround yourself with people who are
kind to you. Thanks for being here.
Host
Morgan Huelsman
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