September 23, 2024 • 34 mins
happy monday! Morgan first brings on Therapist Dr. Amy Tran to talk about childhood trauma and how it impacts us in adulthood. Also, they discuss things we should unlearn in our lives and how to deal with feelings vs. facts. Then, Morgan shares a personal journal entry of things she's had to unlearn from a young version of herself and how she figured out her center aka core value.
If you liked this episode, please rate, review & subscribe!
Follow Dr. Amy Tran: @doodledwellness
Follow Morgan: @webgirlmorgan
Follow Take This Personally: @takethispersonally
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Take personally piece with loring tools. Man. What's up everyone
today is another one of those episodes where I'm going
to do a little self reflection in here and share
some advice through the lens of my life experience. First up,
I have therapist Amy Trannon to talk about childhood trauma
and how it impacts us in adulthood. Plus she's going
(00:34):
to share the things we should unlearn in our lives
and how to recognize the difference between feelings and facts.
Then I'm going to share with you all a piece
of my experience in raw form, basically me writing a
journal intrigue but audio edition, sharing the identity crisis I
went through pretty much my teen years, college years, and
into adulthood, and then what I personally had to unlearn
(00:55):
in the tool I used to find my center through
the muddled chaos of wealth life. I'm excited to welcome
(01:17):
Amy Tran who is a therapist and currently completing her
training to be a psychologist in Canada. How are you
doing today?
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Thank you, I'm doing great. Thanks for having me on
the show.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Yeah, I'm so excited to hear what you have to say.
I have lots of questions, so you know, with your Instagram.
I find it really cool that you are trying to
help make mental health resources really less intimidating for people
by posting them in kind of an art form. So
where did that come from?
Speaker 2 (01:42):
You know what I mean? With everything that happened with
a pandemic, I just found that I had a lot
of free time, I was bored, and then I put
together some post and that's how it all started. But
to take it way back, before I decided to pursue psychology,
I actually wanted to pursue art. So I attended art
college for about a year, learned some cool tips and
(02:04):
tricks there, and just had an opportunity to express myself creatively.
And I found that that was lacking. So really the
pandemic was just a great opportunity for me to put
everything together, and that's how it came to fruition.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
You've also done some intense training work with children and adolescents,
and that has kind of taught you things about parent
child situations. Now as adults, you and I would both
be in the young adult category, and it's often that
we don't find until this point in our lives. There's
something that happened to us as a kid that now
impacts us today. How often do you see that unfold
(02:36):
in therapy or does it always unfold? Is there always
something that happened in childhood that relates to what's happening now?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Such a good question. I don't want to say all
the time, because one hundred percent is pretty absolute, but
maybe I'll say ninety nine point eight percent. At the time,
what I'm seeing, we can trace it back to those
early years, and maybe the client is not ready to
really explore that, but from my perspective, I have kind
of a general idea of that link between what's going
(03:06):
on now and the past. So I would say it's
a big, big majority of the people I see where
we can link it back. And I mean, those are
really primitive years, and those are our first kind of relationships,
the ones we have with our parents, So it makes
sense that it would have such a huge impact on
how we see the world, ourselves and other people.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
And do you find it difficult for people to kind
of address that because they are still as an adult,
I'm super close with my parents. I'm not looking back
and finding anything, but I'm sure there is something there.
Do you find it's harder to do that when there
is a close relationship because you almost don't want to
jeopardize it or you don't want to lose it. Do
you find that people find it hard to kind of
attack that place because it's such a personal moment of
(03:46):
their life.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh yeah, one hundred percent. People say all the time, oh,
but I love my parents, or but I know they
did a good job. So it's really holding that space
for the person to be like, Okay, I love my parents,
and I know they did the best that they could,
but there's some things in which maybe it was outside
of their awareness and they reacted to situations a certain
way that had long lasting impacts on us. So, I mean,
(04:10):
my perspective of it, and what I invite everyone to
really see is that most humans are just trying the
best that they can with what they know at the time,
the resources they have, and I believe parents are doing
that too. That is the kind of perspective that I
want people to take when we're talking about our parents,
is that no, they're not maliciously trying to traumatize you
or create anxiety and depression in your life. They were
(04:32):
just doing their best that they could and then this
is how it turned out. So it is tough though
for some people to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
How can you give them tips to be like, You're
not going to be perfect, but this is what you
can do. Is there things that parents can do to
ensure their kids at least grow up in a sense
that have an idea of what's happening around them and
how to address those situations as they get older.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
I think that first of all, is to be compassionate
towards yourself. Right to parent is not only just ensuring
survival and that there's food on the table and that
the kid is living in an enrich life, but it's
a lot to help a child label their emotions, work
through their emotions. There is so much work involved in
(05:12):
that because if you, as a parent are not comfortable
with emotions, if you as a parent don't know how
to handle your own emotions or soothe yourself, it's going
to be really hard for you to do that for
your child and model that for your child. So that's
why it comes back to parents are just doing the
best that they can. Be compassionate with yourself. Remember that
it's a learning process. And if I can invite the
(05:32):
parents out there who are listening to think about two things. Safety.
How can you make your child feel safe? If you
think about your child as not just a human being,
but a nervous system as well, that will react to
a loud voice, that will react to an angry face,
and will react to conflict around the home, how can
we make them feel a little bit safe? And also
is that all children want to feel validated? Seen in
(05:56):
her If they're crying and you think what they're crying
about is the silliest thing before jumping to well is
it really worth crying about? Acknowledge that you understand where
that sadness is coming from. Validate, validate, validate, validate is
what I have to say. So, how can we create
safety for children? And how can we make sure that
they feel validated even if you disagree? A first, just
(06:17):
let your child know that you understand where they're coming from.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
And I think as humans everybody can feel that sense
of validation that we all want. That's something that we
just keep having throughout our lives and never goes away.
What are some things that maybe we should try to
unlearn that maybe have been ingrained into our lives.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
There's just so many things I can think of backtrack
it a little bit and kind of give people a
framework to think about this question. Is that if we
think about being a child, we all want to feel safe,
we all want to feel seen, we all want to
feel heard, and we all want to feel validated. But
if we don't get those things in our environment, we
(06:58):
now develop hoping strategies to essentially survive without it. So
what do those coping strategies look like. Well, it could
show up as, oh my god, there's so much conflict
in the home, and when I voice my opinion or
say something, no one understands. So I'm just going to
be quiet now and keep the peace. And that's your
way to survive in that family dynamic and now maybe
(07:21):
into adulthood. That's a coping strategy that you developed. You've
learned to just keep quiet. Your opinions don't matter, your
feelings don't matter, and of course that's going to hurt
you because you're essentially betraying your own self. We want
to make our need known. Or let's say it really
felt like mom and dad or whoever in the home
really didn't pay any attention to you. But when you
(07:41):
stepped up and helped around the home, that's when you
got attention. That's when they said, oh, you're such a
great child, You're so helpful. So now you learned if
I people please, I'm going to receive the love and
validation I really meet. And into adulthood, that coping response
becomes kind of a part of your, let's say, personality,
is that you always people please. You can't say I know.
It's hard for you to set boundaries. So that's another example.
(08:04):
Or maybe love was really not modeled in the home.
It was something that seemed disastrous to you. There's a
lot of conflict, so you learned, I'm going to shut
everyone out. I'm going to fend for myself. I don't
need anyone. That's a coping response for you to survive.
So when you get older, that's kind of what you do.
You don't ask for help. You take on a lot
on your own. It's hard for you to open up
(08:24):
to other people. So the question is how did you
feel when you were growing up? Was there something lacking
there that made you feel really safe and loved and
seen and validated, And what kind of coping strategy did
you develop and are you still carrying it into adulthood,
and if so, on learning that's a huge thing. Obviously
therapy helps, but really just doing that work to self
(08:47):
reflect and observe those urges to use those old coping
mechanisms and finding ways to replace them or not use
them as much. And obviously that's easier said than done.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
No, And I feel like that framework is something everybody
can use and do on their own, whether it's journaling
or however they need to lay out the pieces of
the puzzle. So I think that's important, and even breaking
it down further talking about some unresolved trauma. We discuss
that from childhood and stuff a little bit, but when
unresolved trauma comes out in a person and they're in
our relationship or in their friendships, what do you often
(09:19):
see that look like in the person?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Yeah, it really depends on the person, obviously, and I
think that goes for most of the topics we're going
to talk about today. But what I would say is,
before we get to that point, I want to say
that when we experience trauma first, there can be what
I call big T trauma, which is like a really
significant event a death or a major accident, injury, natural disaster, abuse.
(09:45):
Those things I would say are kind of like big
T trauma. But there's also something that some people call
little T trauma and it's more subtle, but it doesn't
mean that it doesn't affect you as much as big
T trauma. So this will be some emotional neglect, for example,
or not feeling validated from your parents. Like these little
things that can happen that really make a big impact
(10:07):
on us emotionally over time. So when people experience trauma,
they don't feel safe, and they typically respond. I would
say their brain responds in three ways, and that they
either fight, or they flee, or they freeze up, and
that's when they really shut down. How that's going to
show up and the relationship really depends on who that
person is, who the other person is, and kind of
(10:29):
which one of those three responses flares up. So if
it's a lack of safety and that's your primary concern,
that could look like a lack of trust in other people,
difficulties being vulnerable, because if you're vulnerable, you might get hurt.
You don't feel safe, it could be completely withdrawing from
someone having a hard time talking about emotions and feelings
(10:49):
could be possible. Also, because the nervous system is just regulated.
I talked about fighting or running away. That can show
up as irritability or difficulties concentrating, or maybe even just
really hyper vigilant. You might be making a face and
I'd be like, why are you making that face? Are
you mad at me? Because I'm on high alert from
the trauma. Or it could be always worrying that something's
(11:12):
going on. Another way that it can show up. Sometimes
people may reenact past trauma. So one example would be,
let's say, if you have experienced a lot of emotional
vpaliation in your life and that was very traumatizing for you. Subconsciously,
you may want to gain mastery over that situation, so
(11:32):
you may seek out friendships and partners in people who
are quite invalidating subconsciously, and you reenact that traumatic experience out.
So that might be another way it shows up the
stories that we tell ourselves from the trauma. So depending
on what you go through, I'm undeserving of love. People
(11:52):
can't be trusted. That can show up in relationships. Again,
if you sabotage your relationship, if you withdraw, if you
have difficulty trusting, if you're jealous. Well there's a lot,
but I can give you an idea of where those
behaviors might kind of stamp from sometimes.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Yeah, And I think it's important to be able to
recognize them too. In different situations. It's not easy to
recognize them, but hearing them from you allows people to
see that. It also totally calls me out because that
was at some point in my life when I was
that person that followed a pattern of behavior and it
took me three years to break it. I can speak
to that side that breaking patterns is so much harder
than you think it is.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Totally yeah, and there's got to be sometimes two step forwards,
one step back.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
What do you see happens, Like, say somebody uses affirmations
in a week, do you see them become more of
a positive person? Do you see them growing more? What
is the benefit of.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
That to kind of bring in a psych perspective. The
brain is plastic. What that means is that it can
always change. So I want people to think about the
brain like a patch of grass with pathways. Yet, say
you tend to be quite self critical, you blame yourself
a lot. Those are your automatic thoughts and the pathways
(13:06):
in your brain that have been walked down a lot.
They're all stamped down when there's a bicycle lane through
patch of grass, and the grass is really short there.
It's kind of muddy because people have walked it over
and over again. So the brain likes the path of
least resistance. It's going to take those pathways all the time,
which means you're always negative, you're always self critical. And
then even though you know there's a new pathway there
(13:26):
and maybe this is the positive pathway or the self
love pathway, you're not going to walk that pathway because
there's tons of grass in the way. You don't want
to get your shoes dirty. You're like, there's a perfect
path over here, I'm just going to walk this way. Well,
what happens when we do kind of invite ourselves to
think about a different way and listen to affirmations, you're
feeding your brain a new perspective. So it is going
(13:47):
to be hard at first to walk that new path.
And yes, your shoes are going to get dirty, you're
gonna have to walk through the grass. But the beautiful
thing about the brain is because it's plastic, that means eventually,
when we continue to walk down the way paths, we're
going to push down the grass more and more. And
now that's going to be your new pathway that you walk,
and even more beautiful is the old pathways. The grass
(14:09):
is going to grow back in those pathways, and you
can quite literally rewire your brain so that you have
different automatic thoughts. So affirmations is a way and a
tool for you to really expedite that process, because it
can be hard to do it from yourself. I bet
you some people are like, I don't even I can't
even think of a sentence to create. And that's what
(14:30):
the Internet is for, and YouTube and radio shows and whatever.
There's so much information at the tip of our fingers.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
I love a good metaphor that allows me to like
picture the scene perfectly. I was picturing it as you
were doing it. This is amazing because I also love
mowing my yard. So this is seriously the perfect metaphor
for that whole situation, and I do think it is.
It's very hard to be a positive person. It's very
hard every day to wake up, get out of bed
and choose to be positive and choose to be happy
when there's a lot to be not happy about. Affirmations
(14:58):
are a great way. Is there anything else else that
you feel like is a great way? To assert a
positive light over your life if things feel really heavy.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
I'm a big, big, big fan of meditation. It has
seriously saved me. I know that it's a big buzzword
and that maybe people get turned off by it. We're
not our thoughts. If you think about the way we
can change our thoughts and how that changes how we feel,
it's like WHOA, Well, then I'm not actually my thinking.
(15:27):
Can I'm the person that chooses the thinking. I'm the
observer of the thinking. I'm not actually the thinking, and
that can bring a lot of peace for people. So
I think a way to practice being the observer of
our thoughts is to meditate and to practice that or
at least be mindful in what we're doing, not doing
(15:48):
things automatically, but being present. How does this feel, what
does it taste like? What am I hearing? Those are
always for us to be in the present moment and
can be helpful. I think a lot of people spend
time revisiting the past or creating stories about the future,
and some of the spiritual teachings I've read is that
(16:08):
the present moment is all we ever have. So if
we're in the past, we're in the present. We're not
actually living and yeah, sometimes things are hard and sometimes
things come up, but when we resist that, it gives
more life to it, even if it is really crappy
and distressing. The first step is kind of accepting that,
like it's okay to not be okay.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Yes, and I love that phrase. There's a difference between
feelings and facts, which is where a lot of anxiety
comes from for certain people. How can you recognize that
you are misinterpretating the two.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
I will say that one of the first things to
do is again take a step back.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
We talked about how when we get emotional that can
hijack the thinking part of the brain. So it's going
to be really hard for you to tease what is
a feeling what is a fact if your emotional brain
is running the show. I think that it's important to
take a moment and relax the body first, and then
secondly is also being careful about confirmation bias. Is that
(17:07):
we know, based on the research, that you are going
to try to confirm what you believe, So being aware
of that and that the brain tends to play tricks
on you was important. And then after that is when
we think about feelings and facts What we want to
do is basically play detective with our thoughts. So take
(17:27):
the thought that you're having, even though it's a feeling,
it's going to fuel the thoughts. So, for example, if
you looked at me a funny way, I feel like
you're annoyed at me. So now I'm like, she's annoyed
at me. So then I take that thought, she's annoyed
at me, and then I think, Okay, well, what evidence
do I actually have for this? What evidence am I missing?
What would I tell a friend in this situation if
(17:50):
that were to happen, What can I do? There's all
these questions that we can ask ourselves to essentially determine
whether or not it's true or if it's just coming
from a feeling, it's coming from like a fear, like
an old belief, for example. So I want to invite
people to play detective with your own thoughts.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Thank you so much for joining me, and I so
appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Thank you, thank you for inviting me.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Amy is trying to make mental health a little more
understandable and accessible with the help of social media and
her doodles. If you want to follow her on Instagram,
her page is at doodled wellness. They're super fun to
look at, even if you don't need any help at all.
Unlike me talking with therapist Amy, there were several things
(18:48):
that stood out to me about our conversation, and I
thought it was a good moment for me to do
some self reflection work here with all of you guys
a part of it. So consider this my journal entry
for today, but in audio form. One thing that I
am having to unlearn that's been ingrained into me for
years is perfectionism. I for so long did not think
(19:15):
that making a mistake or being flawed was a good thing.
I sought for perfectionism and everything that I did in work,
in school and friendships and love, and I had this
really gosh bizarre idea that being perfect was the way
to live, that that's how you were to be successful.
I was that person that if something went out of
(19:37):
my control or something didn't go as perfectly as I
had planned it, because I'm a planner. If I do
things with my friends, or I set up a really
cool day, or I have this great experience that I'm
sharing with someone, I want it to go perfect for them,
not for me. That's also another added level to all this,
I wanted it to be perfect for them, So if
it didn't go according to plan, if it didn't go
(19:58):
perfect for a long time, that would cause me an
anxiety and I would freak out and I would crumble,
and I would be so upset because it didn't go
as planned. It wasn't maybe until the last few years
of my life, that I learned it's actually a good
thing to be flawed, and we are allowed to make
mistakes and we're allowed to be human, that perfectionism isn't
(20:19):
actually real. I had been always chasing this idea that
to be perfect was the goal instead of realizing making
mistakes are actually what allows us to grow and change
and be better and more successful. And I didn't even
realize that this was a problem for me until I
kept being in situations where things were out of my
(20:40):
control and it sent me in a tailspin. And don't
get me wrong, there's still moments where I feel out
of control and I feel out of body. I get
sent into a spiral of depression and anxiety that are
stemming from that because I'm triggered. But it's something that
I'm continually working on, and it's something and talking with
Amy that I am continuing to have to unlearn that's
(21:03):
been ingrained to me for so many years. I do
think it's very easy with our society, the way that
it is to believe perfection is an ideo goal. We
see social media and we see what people look like,
and we see what we could be, what could happen
for us, how much money we can make, how successful
we could be. We could go travel this country and
to see all that that looks perfect in a way,
(21:25):
in this very filtered reality, even though that's not actual reality.
Which is why I love the movement that's been happening
on social media of sharing these sides of us that
are quirky and fun, indifferent, because that's showing us that
it's good to be flawed, it's good to be human.
Being perfect isn't actually all that it's cracked up to be.
(21:46):
Even when I was in school, I believe that in
order for people to like me and want to be
friends with me and be around me, being perfect was
the way that I could do that. I had this
crazy notion that if I would flawed, people didn't like me,
and making mistakes actually made it even worse. Now, granted,
some of those fears were answered due to bullying and
(22:09):
abusive relationships. But I know, at least now, that that
wasn't true. Being perfect, genuinely is not a way to
live or be around people. And if somebody wants you
to be perfect, they are not your person, They are
not your friend, they are not even your loved one.
And I do believe that's an important message that still
has to be conveyed today. There's another thing that took
(22:31):
me several years to learn slash unlearn. I was a
social butterfly. You could call me the popular girl in
high school, but that was only because I knew a
lot of people and I got along with almost everyone. Genuinely.
I can talk to a brick wall. You put me
in front of someone who doesn't like to talk, I
will pull out the craziest parts of their soul. That's
(22:53):
just the personality that I get to have. WILL love
that about me. But being that social and being the
girl that was able to fit in with all of
these different groups seemed so awesome. But for everyone else,
they believed I was fitting in and I was popular.
For me, I felt like I never actually fit in
being that I was a social butterfly and bumping around
(23:16):
from group to group. I never really felt like I
had an identity. I felt like there were so many
different versions of me inside me that I wanted to
learn and explore. So I never really associated with one
group of people, and that was hard, especially in high school,
and it caused me to have an identity crisis later
(23:36):
on in life and still kind of fights me to
this day. I look at that time in high school.
I was part of the French Club. I was the
president of K's Club, which was a volunteer organization at
my school. I loved singing in choir, I was on
the cheer team. I played softball and volleyball, so I
was sporty. I did the morning announcements with the journalism class.
And I say each of these different groups because you
(23:57):
can tell that they're all unique and different in their
own way, which is why I loved all of them.
I was learning so much about myself and learning and
growing in different ways than if I had just stayed
around the same crew all of the time. But I
never really felt like one of them was just an
identity to me, which made me an outsider in my
own life. And yes, obviously I know now that's a
(24:18):
very good thing. I was learning and growing and understanding
so many different types of people. But in high school
that felt like the end of the world because I
never felt settled. That situation in life benefited me because
it's what pushed me to pursue my dreams and continue
to push myself out of my comfort zone by moving
(24:39):
to a new city, Nashville, where I knew absolutely no one.
But being unsettled is a very unsettling feeling. If you
don't feel at home, if you don't feel like your
feet are ever touching the ground one hundred percent, maybe
like fifty percent or sixty forty, it's a very scary
place to be in to not feel like you are
settled or you were in a safe space. Because I
(25:01):
was constantly floating like a butterfly, I wasn't always safe.
I was very vulnerable. What I really want to talk
about because that whole situation taught me many things. That
also taught me a lot of things that I had
to unlearn that I thought were really bad parts about
who I was, which were actually benefiting me in the
long run and the short term. I just wasn't seeing
it in adulthood, and only in the last few years,
(25:24):
I learned about the Indiagram test, and I took the
full on professional Indiagram test that I had to pay
like fifty bucks for because that was the one my
therapist wanted me to take. It was the legit one,
and I found out I'm fifty percent of A two
and fifty percent of an eight, which was the first
time my entire self actually made sense to me. I
(25:46):
was a helper who is empathetic, sincere and loves to
help others, And on the other hand, I was a
challenger who was decisive and confident and confrontational and assertive.
Those are obviously just the qualities of those inneagrams, because
every inneagram comes with bad sides too. Trust me, I've
figured those out in life. I don't need to keep
(26:07):
reiterating those. But by taking this test and walking through
those different steps with my therapist, I finally realized my
entire being almost lives in two realities. One is this
helper and one is the challenger. And when I'm super lucky,
they collide so beautifully, and I love that about myself,
(26:29):
but each one challenges each other inside of me as well.
When I want to be the helper and I want
to be there for people, but I'm also wanting to
challenge the status quo, and I believe there shouldn't be
these injustices in the world. It's a constant internal conflict
that I'm dealing with. And so had I known that
in high school, I had these two personalities that were
both beautiful and so unique in their own way, that
(26:52):
I could have collided them together to create this perfect scenario.
There I am again with the word perfect. But had
I known that, it would have made the world of
difference because I wouldn't have thought I was an outsider.
I wouldn't have believed growing and learning from all these
different groups was a bad thing. I would have realized
that what I was doing was actually honing in on
those different parts of myself, but more importantly, learning that
(27:13):
I had these two different aspects of my life that
were so cool, but they were different. I needed to
always have a sinner, something that I could always work
off from. I don't know if you guys remember the
kind of diagrams we created in school that you'd draw
a circle and you'd write a word, and then you'd
do all these branches off of that one word. Well,
I went back to that idea for my life because
(27:35):
when I had this identity crisis and I was like,
who am I? What am I doing?
Speaker 2 (27:41):
What is my base?
Speaker 1 (27:42):
What do I want to see in my life happen?
What is going to be the thing that actually propels
me forward and keeps me moving in this crazy life?
And so I drew one of those charts, and I
was trying to figure out what was going to be
in the middle. What was the thing that my life
in all acts always had to come back to. What
was my ciner, What was my word? What was my truth?
(28:04):
What was the one thing that I needed everything to
make sense around. Yes, it's very hard as a human
being to come up with one word, and I wasn't
able to. I was able to come up with three
words I always wanted to make sure got conveyed in
the different parts of my life. Those three words were authentic, genuine,
and optimistic. I wanted to be sure that in whatever
(28:25):
I did, career, love, friendships, I was going to be
authentic and who I am, which means I was going
to show up as the only version of myself that
actually mattered to me. I was going to stay that
way despite external factors. Despite anyone coming in and telling
me something different, I was going to stay authentic to
who I wanted to be, and then I wanted to
(28:46):
be genuine with my actions, with my words. I wanted
to make sure that everything that I was doing stayed
true to this helpful and loving person that I was,
because it's really easy when you get successful or you
meet different people to lose track of that side of
you you really want to be. But you're getting pulled
(29:07):
in different directions and you see a little bit of
success and you're like, oh my gosh, I can do that.
This is where I'm going to go, and it gets
really easy to lose track of who you are being.
This genuine human being is what I want to always
make sure as part of my life, and I want
people to feel like across every age I turn, across
(29:28):
every decade that I live, I want people to say
the same consistent things about me. And of course that
other word was optimistic. I am sometimes a little too
much optimistic in that I believe so many things are possible,
and it's really hard some days to be optimistic all
the time. But I always wanted to be a light
in the world for others, even when things weren't going
(29:50):
well for me, even when things didn't seem great in
the world. I wanted to be the person that people
could count on to always be hopeful and be positive
and be optimistic that things will get better, that things
are good. These three words and making this chart that
I learned how to do in middle school allowed me
to figure out my entire center and finally stop having
(30:15):
this identity crisis that I felt like I was never
gonna get off of from high school to now. I
finally had an idea of what I wanted my life
to look like and what I wanted it to be
centered around. And I know this may seem silly to
create a chart and to do this, but I also
had another friend do it, and he told me that
it helped him realize as he was going through life,
(30:35):
as he was on this journey through getting all these
different goals and things to come up for him, he
could always find that center and make sure that everything
he was doing was true to him. And that was
so important for me it was important for him, which
is why I shared the idea with him. I don't
ever stray from what I want my life to look like.
(30:55):
In public and in private. I believe. And this is
all speaking for my experiences. This is not advice. This
is just connecting with people who have maybe been here before.
I needed a way to stay on track. I have
loved ones who keep me very humble, and I have
great people in my life who are always honest with me.
But I personally needed something to keep me on track
(31:18):
and go in the same direction that I should always
be going in despite external factors, even in my darkest moments,
even in my times that are so tough and I
just don't believe in anything. I go back to this
and I say, I want to be authentic, I want
to be genuine, I want to be optimistic. And if
I need to do that, what is that going to
(31:38):
look like right now in this moment? And I try
really hard to always have that and keep that as
my sinner. It's kind of like my own podium that
I put myself on and hold myself accountable for. I
don't think it's easy to realize we have to keep
ourselves accountable for things. I don't think it's easy to
understand that we're allowed to be human, and I don't
think it's easy to understand that making mistakes is a
(32:00):
good thing. And those are three things that, if anything,
I want you to take away from this journal entry
from me. If you guys have ever written in a
journal or even wrote out your thoughts on paper, this
may be a little chaotic, but that's kind of the purpose,
because this was the journey that it took for me
to get to right now sitting here talking about this
and how I am keeping a positive light over my life,
(32:23):
how I am unlearning things that have been ingrained into me,
and how I am constantly doing what I need to
do to get better, to keep growing and be the
best version of myself. And this is one of my
biggest things that I do and one of the things
that I will always say is the best tool in
my toolbox, because this diagram has allowed me, despite everything
(32:46):
that's happened to me and for me, I have been
able to stay true to those three words, and I
will continue to do that and hope that regardless of
what happens in my life, I will do that until
the day that I am often too the wind no
longer on this earth.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
So, whether you're a.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Parent and you heard Amy and I talking about these
different aspects of childhood and being a parent to your kids,
or if you're around my age and you're dealing with
an identity crisis like I was. I hope one of
these two things called to you and helped you understand
some different things, or maybe gave you a tool that
you were needing in this moment, or at the very least,
(33:23):
I hope it allowed you to see other people in
your life in a different light. This episode really made
me feel like I went to therapy today. I don't
know about y'all. It was a deep one, but a
necessary one. We got to go deep and into the
thick of it, as the TikTok song goes, just so
(33:45):
we can learn some things about ourselves and grow a
little bit more. Make sure to check out the podcast
Instagram page. Take this personally, and if you enjoyed this episode,
subscribe to the podcast for new episodes every Monday. I'll
see you guys next week for some more deep learning,
and till then, I love you. Bye.
Take personally piece with loring tools. Man. What's up everyone
today is another one of those episodes where I'm going
to do a little self reflection in here and share
some advice through the lens of my life experience. First up,
I have therapist Amy Trannon to talk about childhood trauma
and how it impacts us in adulthood. Plus she's going
(00:34):
to share the things we should unlearn in our lives
and how to recognize the difference between feelings and facts.
Then I'm going to share with you all a piece
of my experience in raw form, basically me writing a
journal intrigue but audio edition, sharing the identity crisis I
went through pretty much my teen years, college years, and
into adulthood, and then what I personally had to unlearn
(00:55):
in the tool I used to find my center through
the muddled chaos of wealth life. I'm excited to welcome
(01:17):
Amy Tran who is a therapist and currently completing her
training to be a psychologist in Canada. How are you
doing today?
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Thank you, I'm doing great. Thanks for having me on
the show.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Yeah, I'm so excited to hear what you have to say.
I have lots of questions, so you know, with your Instagram.
I find it really cool that you are trying to
help make mental health resources really less intimidating for people
by posting them in kind of an art form. So
where did that come from?
Speaker 2 (01:42):
You know what I mean? With everything that happened with
a pandemic, I just found that I had a lot
of free time, I was bored, and then I put
together some post and that's how it all started. But
to take it way back, before I decided to pursue psychology,
I actually wanted to pursue art. So I attended art
college for about a year, learned some cool tips and
(02:04):
tricks there, and just had an opportunity to express myself creatively.
And I found that that was lacking. So really the
pandemic was just a great opportunity for me to put
everything together, and that's how it came to fruition.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
You've also done some intense training work with children and adolescents,
and that has kind of taught you things about parent
child situations. Now as adults, you and I would both
be in the young adult category, and it's often that
we don't find until this point in our lives. There's
something that happened to us as a kid that now
impacts us today. How often do you see that unfold
(02:36):
in therapy or does it always unfold? Is there always
something that happened in childhood that relates to what's happening now?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Such a good question. I don't want to say all
the time, because one hundred percent is pretty absolute, but
maybe I'll say ninety nine point eight percent. At the time,
what I'm seeing, we can trace it back to those
early years, and maybe the client is not ready to
really explore that, but from my perspective, I have kind
of a general idea of that link between what's going
(03:06):
on now and the past. So I would say it's
a big, big majority of the people I see where
we can link it back. And I mean, those are
really primitive years, and those are our first kind of relationships,
the ones we have with our parents, So it makes
sense that it would have such a huge impact on
how we see the world, ourselves and other people.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
And do you find it difficult for people to kind
of address that because they are still as an adult,
I'm super close with my parents. I'm not looking back
and finding anything, but I'm sure there is something there.
Do you find it's harder to do that when there
is a close relationship because you almost don't want to
jeopardize it or you don't want to lose it. Do
you find that people find it hard to kind of
attack that place because it's such a personal moment of
(03:46):
their life.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh yeah, one hundred percent. People say all the time, oh,
but I love my parents, or but I know they
did a good job. So it's really holding that space
for the person to be like, Okay, I love my parents,
and I know they did the best that they could,
but there's some things in which maybe it was outside
of their awareness and they reacted to situations a certain
way that had long lasting impacts on us. So, I mean,
(04:10):
my perspective of it, and what I invite everyone to
really see is that most humans are just trying the
best that they can with what they know at the time,
the resources they have, and I believe parents are doing
that too. That is the kind of perspective that I
want people to take when we're talking about our parents,
is that no, they're not maliciously trying to traumatize you
or create anxiety and depression in your life. They were
(04:32):
just doing their best that they could and then this
is how it turned out. So it is tough though
for some people to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
How can you give them tips to be like, You're
not going to be perfect, but this is what you
can do. Is there things that parents can do to
ensure their kids at least grow up in a sense
that have an idea of what's happening around them and
how to address those situations as they get older.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
I think that first of all, is to be compassionate
towards yourself. Right to parent is not only just ensuring
survival and that there's food on the table and that
the kid is living in an enrich life, but it's
a lot to help a child label their emotions, work
through their emotions. There is so much work involved in
(05:12):
that because if you, as a parent are not comfortable
with emotions, if you as a parent don't know how
to handle your own emotions or soothe yourself, it's going
to be really hard for you to do that for
your child and model that for your child. So that's
why it comes back to parents are just doing the
best that they can. Be compassionate with yourself. Remember that
it's a learning process. And if I can invite the
(05:32):
parents out there who are listening to think about two things. Safety.
How can you make your child feel safe? If you
think about your child as not just a human being,
but a nervous system as well, that will react to
a loud voice, that will react to an angry face,
and will react to conflict around the home, how can
we make them feel a little bit safe? And also
is that all children want to feel validated? Seen in
(05:56):
her If they're crying and you think what they're crying
about is the silliest thing before jumping to well is
it really worth crying about? Acknowledge that you understand where
that sadness is coming from. Validate, validate, validate, validate is
what I have to say. So, how can we create
safety for children? And how can we make sure that
they feel validated even if you disagree? A first, just
(06:17):
let your child know that you understand where they're coming from.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
And I think as humans everybody can feel that sense
of validation that we all want. That's something that we
just keep having throughout our lives and never goes away.
What are some things that maybe we should try to
unlearn that maybe have been ingrained into our lives.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
There's just so many things I can think of backtrack
it a little bit and kind of give people a
framework to think about this question. Is that if we
think about being a child, we all want to feel safe,
we all want to feel seen, we all want to
feel heard, and we all want to feel validated. But
if we don't get those things in our environment, we
(06:58):
now develop hoping strategies to essentially survive without it. So
what do those coping strategies look like. Well, it could
show up as, oh my god, there's so much conflict
in the home, and when I voice my opinion or
say something, no one understands. So I'm just going to
be quiet now and keep the peace. And that's your
way to survive in that family dynamic and now maybe
(07:21):
into adulthood. That's a coping strategy that you developed. You've
learned to just keep quiet. Your opinions don't matter, your
feelings don't matter, and of course that's going to hurt
you because you're essentially betraying your own self. We want
to make our need known. Or let's say it really
felt like mom and dad or whoever in the home
really didn't pay any attention to you. But when you
(07:41):
stepped up and helped around the home, that's when you
got attention. That's when they said, oh, you're such a
great child, You're so helpful. So now you learned if
I people please, I'm going to receive the love and
validation I really meet. And into adulthood, that coping response
becomes kind of a part of your, let's say, personality,
is that you always people please. You can't say I know.
It's hard for you to set boundaries. So that's another example.
(08:04):
Or maybe love was really not modeled in the home.
It was something that seemed disastrous to you. There's a
lot of conflict, so you learned, I'm going to shut
everyone out. I'm going to fend for myself. I don't
need anyone. That's a coping response for you to survive.
So when you get older, that's kind of what you do.
You don't ask for help. You take on a lot
on your own. It's hard for you to open up
(08:24):
to other people. So the question is how did you
feel when you were growing up? Was there something lacking
there that made you feel really safe and loved and
seen and validated, And what kind of coping strategy did
you develop and are you still carrying it into adulthood,
and if so, on learning that's a huge thing. Obviously
therapy helps, but really just doing that work to self
(08:47):
reflect and observe those urges to use those old coping
mechanisms and finding ways to replace them or not use
them as much. And obviously that's easier said than done.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
No, And I feel like that framework is something everybody
can use and do on their own, whether it's journaling
or however they need to lay out the pieces of
the puzzle. So I think that's important, and even breaking
it down further talking about some unresolved trauma. We discuss
that from childhood and stuff a little bit, but when
unresolved trauma comes out in a person and they're in
our relationship or in their friendships, what do you often
(09:19):
see that look like in the person?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Yeah, it really depends on the person, obviously, and I
think that goes for most of the topics we're going
to talk about today. But what I would say is,
before we get to that point, I want to say
that when we experience trauma first, there can be what
I call big T trauma, which is like a really
significant event a death or a major accident, injury, natural disaster, abuse.
(09:45):
Those things I would say are kind of like big
T trauma. But there's also something that some people call
little T trauma and it's more subtle, but it doesn't
mean that it doesn't affect you as much as big
T trauma. So this will be some emotional neglect, for example,
or not feeling validated from your parents. Like these little
things that can happen that really make a big impact
(10:07):
on us emotionally over time. So when people experience trauma,
they don't feel safe, and they typically respond. I would
say their brain responds in three ways, and that they
either fight, or they flee, or they freeze up, and
that's when they really shut down. How that's going to
show up and the relationship really depends on who that
person is, who the other person is, and kind of
(10:29):
which one of those three responses flares up. So if
it's a lack of safety and that's your primary concern,
that could look like a lack of trust in other people,
difficulties being vulnerable, because if you're vulnerable, you might get hurt.
You don't feel safe, it could be completely withdrawing from
someone having a hard time talking about emotions and feelings
(10:49):
could be possible. Also, because the nervous system is just regulated.
I talked about fighting or running away. That can show
up as irritability or difficulties concentrating, or maybe even just
really hyper vigilant. You might be making a face and
I'd be like, why are you making that face? Are
you mad at me? Because I'm on high alert from
the trauma. Or it could be always worrying that something's
(11:12):
going on. Another way that it can show up. Sometimes
people may reenact past trauma. So one example would be,
let's say, if you have experienced a lot of emotional
vpaliation in your life and that was very traumatizing for you. Subconsciously,
you may want to gain mastery over that situation, so
(11:32):
you may seek out friendships and partners in people who
are quite invalidating subconsciously, and you reenact that traumatic experience out.
So that might be another way it shows up the
stories that we tell ourselves from the trauma. So depending
on what you go through, I'm undeserving of love. People
(11:52):
can't be trusted. That can show up in relationships. Again,
if you sabotage your relationship, if you withdraw, if you
have difficulty trusting, if you're jealous. Well there's a lot,
but I can give you an idea of where those
behaviors might kind of stamp from sometimes.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
Yeah, And I think it's important to be able to
recognize them too. In different situations. It's not easy to
recognize them, but hearing them from you allows people to
see that. It also totally calls me out because that
was at some point in my life when I was
that person that followed a pattern of behavior and it
took me three years to break it. I can speak
to that side that breaking patterns is so much harder
than you think it is.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Totally yeah, and there's got to be sometimes two step forwards,
one step back.
Speaker 1 (12:34):
What do you see happens, Like, say somebody uses affirmations
in a week, do you see them become more of
a positive person? Do you see them growing more? What
is the benefit of.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
That to kind of bring in a psych perspective. The
brain is plastic. What that means is that it can
always change. So I want people to think about the
brain like a patch of grass with pathways. Yet, say
you tend to be quite self critical, you blame yourself
a lot. Those are your automatic thoughts and the pathways
(13:06):
in your brain that have been walked down a lot.
They're all stamped down when there's a bicycle lane through
patch of grass, and the grass is really short there.
It's kind of muddy because people have walked it over
and over again. So the brain likes the path of
least resistance. It's going to take those pathways all the time,
which means you're always negative, you're always self critical. And
then even though you know there's a new pathway there
(13:26):
and maybe this is the positive pathway or the self
love pathway, you're not going to walk that pathway because
there's tons of grass in the way. You don't want
to get your shoes dirty. You're like, there's a perfect
path over here, I'm just going to walk this way. Well,
what happens when we do kind of invite ourselves to
think about a different way and listen to affirmations, you're
feeding your brain a new perspective. So it is going
(13:47):
to be hard at first to walk that new path.
And yes, your shoes are going to get dirty, you're
gonna have to walk through the grass. But the beautiful
thing about the brain is because it's plastic, that means eventually,
when we continue to walk down the way paths, we're
going to push down the grass more and more. And
now that's going to be your new pathway that you walk,
and even more beautiful is the old pathways. The grass
(14:09):
is going to grow back in those pathways, and you
can quite literally rewire your brain so that you have
different automatic thoughts. So affirmations is a way and a
tool for you to really expedite that process, because it
can be hard to do it from yourself. I bet
you some people are like, I don't even I can't
even think of a sentence to create. And that's what
(14:30):
the Internet is for, and YouTube and radio shows and whatever.
There's so much information at the tip of our fingers.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
I love a good metaphor that allows me to like
picture the scene perfectly. I was picturing it as you
were doing it. This is amazing because I also love
mowing my yard. So this is seriously the perfect metaphor
for that whole situation, and I do think it is.
It's very hard to be a positive person. It's very
hard every day to wake up, get out of bed
and choose to be positive and choose to be happy
when there's a lot to be not happy about. Affirmations
(14:58):
are a great way. Is there anything else else that
you feel like is a great way? To assert a
positive light over your life if things feel really heavy.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
I'm a big, big, big fan of meditation. It has
seriously saved me. I know that it's a big buzzword
and that maybe people get turned off by it. We're
not our thoughts. If you think about the way we
can change our thoughts and how that changes how we feel,
it's like WHOA, Well, then I'm not actually my thinking.
(15:27):
Can I'm the person that chooses the thinking. I'm the
observer of the thinking. I'm not actually the thinking, and
that can bring a lot of peace for people. So
I think a way to practice being the observer of
our thoughts is to meditate and to practice that or
at least be mindful in what we're doing, not doing
(15:48):
things automatically, but being present. How does this feel, what
does it taste like? What am I hearing? Those are
always for us to be in the present moment and
can be helpful. I think a lot of people spend
time revisiting the past or creating stories about the future,
and some of the spiritual teachings I've read is that
(16:08):
the present moment is all we ever have. So if
we're in the past, we're in the present. We're not
actually living and yeah, sometimes things are hard and sometimes
things come up, but when we resist that, it gives
more life to it, even if it is really crappy
and distressing. The first step is kind of accepting that,
like it's okay to not be okay.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Yes, and I love that phrase. There's a difference between
feelings and facts, which is where a lot of anxiety
comes from for certain people. How can you recognize that
you are misinterpretating the two.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
I will say that one of the first things to
do is again take a step back.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
We talked about how when we get emotional that can
hijack the thinking part of the brain. So it's going
to be really hard for you to tease what is
a feeling what is a fact if your emotional brain
is running the show. I think that it's important to
take a moment and relax the body first, and then
secondly is also being careful about confirmation bias. Is that
(17:07):
we know, based on the research, that you are going
to try to confirm what you believe, So being aware
of that and that the brain tends to play tricks
on you was important. And then after that is when
we think about feelings and facts What we want to
do is basically play detective with our thoughts. So take
(17:27):
the thought that you're having, even though it's a feeling,
it's going to fuel the thoughts. So, for example, if
you looked at me a funny way, I feel like
you're annoyed at me. So now I'm like, she's annoyed
at me. So then I take that thought, she's annoyed
at me, and then I think, Okay, well, what evidence
do I actually have for this? What evidence am I missing?
What would I tell a friend in this situation if
(17:50):
that were to happen, What can I do? There's all
these questions that we can ask ourselves to essentially determine
whether or not it's true or if it's just coming
from a feeling, it's coming from like a fear, like
an old belief, for example. So I want to invite
people to play detective with your own thoughts.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
Thank you so much for joining me, and I so
appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Thank you, thank you for inviting me.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Amy is trying to make mental health a little more
understandable and accessible with the help of social media and
her doodles. If you want to follow her on Instagram,
her page is at doodled wellness. They're super fun to
look at, even if you don't need any help at all.
Unlike me talking with therapist Amy, there were several things
(18:48):
that stood out to me about our conversation, and I
thought it was a good moment for me to do
some self reflection work here with all of you guys
a part of it. So consider this my journal entry
for today, but in audio form. One thing that I
am having to unlearn that's been ingrained into me for
years is perfectionism. I for so long did not think
(19:15):
that making a mistake or being flawed was a good thing.
I sought for perfectionism and everything that I did in work,
in school and friendships and love, and I had this
really gosh bizarre idea that being perfect was the way
to live, that that's how you were to be successful.
I was that person that if something went out of
(19:37):
my control or something didn't go as perfectly as I
had planned it, because I'm a planner. If I do
things with my friends, or I set up a really
cool day, or I have this great experience that I'm
sharing with someone, I want it to go perfect for them,
not for me. That's also another added level to all this,
I wanted it to be perfect for them, So if
it didn't go according to plan, if it didn't go
(19:58):
perfect for a long time, that would cause me an
anxiety and I would freak out and I would crumble,
and I would be so upset because it didn't go
as planned. It wasn't maybe until the last few years
of my life, that I learned it's actually a good
thing to be flawed, and we are allowed to make
mistakes and we're allowed to be human, that perfectionism isn't
(20:19):
actually real. I had been always chasing this idea that
to be perfect was the goal instead of realizing making
mistakes are actually what allows us to grow and change
and be better and more successful. And I didn't even
realize that this was a problem for me until I
kept being in situations where things were out of my
(20:40):
control and it sent me in a tailspin. And don't
get me wrong, there's still moments where I feel out
of control and I feel out of body. I get
sent into a spiral of depression and anxiety that are
stemming from that because I'm triggered. But it's something that
I'm continually working on, and it's something and talking with
Amy that I am continuing to have to unlearn that's
(21:03):
been ingrained to me for so many years. I do
think it's very easy with our society, the way that
it is to believe perfection is an ideo goal. We
see social media and we see what people look like,
and we see what we could be, what could happen
for us, how much money we can make, how successful
we could be. We could go travel this country and
to see all that that looks perfect in a way,
(21:25):
in this very filtered reality, even though that's not actual reality.
Which is why I love the movement that's been happening
on social media of sharing these sides of us that
are quirky and fun, indifferent, because that's showing us that
it's good to be flawed, it's good to be human.
Being perfect isn't actually all that it's cracked up to be.
(21:46):
Even when I was in school, I believe that in
order for people to like me and want to be
friends with me and be around me, being perfect was
the way that I could do that. I had this
crazy notion that if I would flawed, people didn't like me,
and making mistakes actually made it even worse. Now, granted,
some of those fears were answered due to bullying and
(22:09):
abusive relationships. But I know, at least now, that that
wasn't true. Being perfect, genuinely is not a way to
live or be around people. And if somebody wants you
to be perfect, they are not your person, They are
not your friend, they are not even your loved one.
And I do believe that's an important message that still
has to be conveyed today. There's another thing that took
(22:31):
me several years to learn slash unlearn. I was a
social butterfly. You could call me the popular girl in
high school, but that was only because I knew a
lot of people and I got along with almost everyone. Genuinely.
I can talk to a brick wall. You put me
in front of someone who doesn't like to talk, I
will pull out the craziest parts of their soul. That's
(22:53):
just the personality that I get to have. WILL love
that about me. But being that social and being the
girl that was able to fit in with all of
these different groups seemed so awesome. But for everyone else,
they believed I was fitting in and I was popular.
For me, I felt like I never actually fit in
being that I was a social butterfly and bumping around
(23:16):
from group to group. I never really felt like I
had an identity. I felt like there were so many
different versions of me inside me that I wanted to
learn and explore. So I never really associated with one
group of people, and that was hard, especially in high school,
and it caused me to have an identity crisis later
(23:36):
on in life and still kind of fights me to
this day. I look at that time in high school.
I was part of the French Club. I was the
president of K's Club, which was a volunteer organization at
my school. I loved singing in choir, I was on
the cheer team. I played softball and volleyball, so I
was sporty. I did the morning announcements with the journalism class.
And I say each of these different groups because you
(23:57):
can tell that they're all unique and different in their
own way, which is why I loved all of them.
I was learning so much about myself and learning and
growing in different ways than if I had just stayed
around the same crew all of the time. But I
never really felt like one of them was just an
identity to me, which made me an outsider in my
own life. And yes, obviously I know now that's a
(24:18):
very good thing. I was learning and growing and understanding
so many different types of people. But in high school
that felt like the end of the world because I
never felt settled. That situation in life benefited me because
it's what pushed me to pursue my dreams and continue
to push myself out of my comfort zone by moving
(24:39):
to a new city, Nashville, where I knew absolutely no one.
But being unsettled is a very unsettling feeling. If you
don't feel at home, if you don't feel like your
feet are ever touching the ground one hundred percent, maybe
like fifty percent or sixty forty, it's a very scary
place to be in to not feel like you are
settled or you were in a safe space. Because I
(25:01):
was constantly floating like a butterfly, I wasn't always safe.
I was very vulnerable. What I really want to talk
about because that whole situation taught me many things. That
also taught me a lot of things that I had
to unlearn that I thought were really bad parts about
who I was, which were actually benefiting me in the
long run and the short term. I just wasn't seeing
it in adulthood, and only in the last few years,
(25:24):
I learned about the Indiagram test, and I took the
full on professional Indiagram test that I had to pay
like fifty bucks for because that was the one my
therapist wanted me to take. It was the legit one,
and I found out I'm fifty percent of A two
and fifty percent of an eight, which was the first
time my entire self actually made sense to me. I
(25:46):
was a helper who is empathetic, sincere and loves to
help others, And on the other hand, I was a
challenger who was decisive and confident and confrontational and assertive.
Those are obviously just the qualities of those inneagrams, because
every inneagram comes with bad sides too. Trust me, I've
figured those out in life. I don't need to keep
(26:07):
reiterating those. But by taking this test and walking through
those different steps with my therapist, I finally realized my
entire being almost lives in two realities. One is this
helper and one is the challenger. And when I'm super lucky,
they collide so beautifully, and I love that about myself,
(26:29):
but each one challenges each other inside of me as well.
When I want to be the helper and I want
to be there for people, but I'm also wanting to
challenge the status quo, and I believe there shouldn't be
these injustices in the world. It's a constant internal conflict
that I'm dealing with. And so had I known that
in high school, I had these two personalities that were
both beautiful and so unique in their own way, that
(26:52):
I could have collided them together to create this perfect scenario.
There I am again with the word perfect. But had
I known that, it would have made the world of
difference because I wouldn't have thought I was an outsider.
I wouldn't have believed growing and learning from all these
different groups was a bad thing. I would have realized
that what I was doing was actually honing in on
those different parts of myself, but more importantly, learning that
(27:13):
I had these two different aspects of my life that
were so cool, but they were different. I needed to
always have a sinner, something that I could always work
off from. I don't know if you guys remember the
kind of diagrams we created in school that you'd draw
a circle and you'd write a word, and then you'd
do all these branches off of that one word. Well,
I went back to that idea for my life because
(27:35):
when I had this identity crisis and I was like,
who am I? What am I doing?
Speaker 2 (27:41):
What is my base?
Speaker 1 (27:42):
What do I want to see in my life happen?
What is going to be the thing that actually propels
me forward and keeps me moving in this crazy life?
And so I drew one of those charts, and I
was trying to figure out what was going to be
in the middle. What was the thing that my life
in all acts always had to come back to. What
was my ciner, What was my word? What was my truth?
(28:04):
What was the one thing that I needed everything to
make sense around. Yes, it's very hard as a human
being to come up with one word, and I wasn't
able to. I was able to come up with three
words I always wanted to make sure got conveyed in
the different parts of my life. Those three words were authentic, genuine,
and optimistic. I wanted to be sure that in whatever
(28:25):
I did, career, love, friendships, I was going to be
authentic and who I am, which means I was going
to show up as the only version of myself that
actually mattered to me. I was going to stay that
way despite external factors. Despite anyone coming in and telling
me something different, I was going to stay authentic to
who I wanted to be, and then I wanted to
(28:46):
be genuine with my actions, with my words. I wanted
to make sure that everything that I was doing stayed
true to this helpful and loving person that I was,
because it's really easy when you get successful or you
meet different people to lose track of that side of
you you really want to be. But you're getting pulled
(29:07):
in different directions and you see a little bit of
success and you're like, oh my gosh, I can do that.
This is where I'm going to go, and it gets
really easy to lose track of who you are being.
This genuine human being is what I want to always
make sure as part of my life, and I want
people to feel like across every age I turn, across
(29:28):
every decade that I live, I want people to say
the same consistent things about me. And of course that
other word was optimistic. I am sometimes a little too
much optimistic in that I believe so many things are possible,
and it's really hard some days to be optimistic all
the time. But I always wanted to be a light
in the world for others, even when things weren't going
(29:50):
well for me, even when things didn't seem great in
the world. I wanted to be the person that people
could count on to always be hopeful and be positive
and be optimistic that things will get better, that things
are good. These three words and making this chart that
I learned how to do in middle school allowed me
to figure out my entire center and finally stop having
(30:15):
this identity crisis that I felt like I was never
gonna get off of from high school to now. I
finally had an idea of what I wanted my life
to look like and what I wanted it to be
centered around. And I know this may seem silly to
create a chart and to do this, but I also
had another friend do it, and he told me that
it helped him realize as he was going through life,
(30:35):
as he was on this journey through getting all these
different goals and things to come up for him, he
could always find that center and make sure that everything
he was doing was true to him. And that was
so important for me it was important for him, which
is why I shared the idea with him. I don't
ever stray from what I want my life to look like.
(30:55):
In public and in private. I believe. And this is
all speaking for my experiences. This is not advice. This
is just connecting with people who have maybe been here before.
I needed a way to stay on track. I have
loved ones who keep me very humble, and I have
great people in my life who are always honest with me.
But I personally needed something to keep me on track
(31:18):
and go in the same direction that I should always
be going in despite external factors, even in my darkest moments,
even in my times that are so tough and I
just don't believe in anything. I go back to this
and I say, I want to be authentic, I want
to be genuine, I want to be optimistic. And if
I need to do that, what is that going to
(31:38):
look like right now in this moment? And I try
really hard to always have that and keep that as
my sinner. It's kind of like my own podium that
I put myself on and hold myself accountable for. I
don't think it's easy to realize we have to keep
ourselves accountable for things. I don't think it's easy to
understand that we're allowed to be human, and I don't
think it's easy to understand that making mistakes is a
(32:00):
good thing. And those are three things that, if anything,
I want you to take away from this journal entry
from me. If you guys have ever written in a
journal or even wrote out your thoughts on paper, this
may be a little chaotic, but that's kind of the purpose,
because this was the journey that it took for me
to get to right now sitting here talking about this
and how I am keeping a positive light over my life,
(32:23):
how I am unlearning things that have been ingrained into me,
and how I am constantly doing what I need to
do to get better, to keep growing and be the
best version of myself. And this is one of my
biggest things that I do and one of the things
that I will always say is the best tool in
my toolbox, because this diagram has allowed me, despite everything
(32:46):
that's happened to me and for me, I have been
able to stay true to those three words, and I
will continue to do that and hope that regardless of
what happens in my life, I will do that until
the day that I am often too the wind no
longer on this earth.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
So, whether you're a.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Parent and you heard Amy and I talking about these
different aspects of childhood and being a parent to your kids,
or if you're around my age and you're dealing with
an identity crisis like I was. I hope one of
these two things called to you and helped you understand
some different things, or maybe gave you a tool that
you were needing in this moment, or at the very least,
(33:23):
I hope it allowed you to see other people in
your life in a different light. This episode really made
me feel like I went to therapy today. I don't
know about y'all. It was a deep one, but a
necessary one. We got to go deep and into the
thick of it, as the TikTok song goes, just so
(33:45):
we can learn some things about ourselves and grow a
little bit more. Make sure to check out the podcast
Instagram page. Take this personally, and if you enjoyed this episode,
subscribe to the podcast for new episodes every Monday. I'll
see you guys next week for some more deep learning,
and till then, I love you. Bye.
Host
Morgan Huelsman
Popular Podcasts
40s and Free Agents: NFL Draft Season
Daniel Jeremiah of Move the Sticks and Gregg Rosenthal of NFL Daily join forces to break down every team's needs this offseason.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.