January 9, 2025 • 55 mins
Emmy nominated host and Culture Expert on Queer Eye, Karamo shares his experiences with a partner who taught him to caress and love himself, which helped open up his sexual and intimate situations. But not before Brandon and Karamo play Smash Or Pass and read some sticky Messy Mail.
Find Karamo @karamo
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The girls that I said, you know what, I bought
them for you for. I'm paying attention. Girl that better
not be more than a certain size girl.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
That means.
Speaker 3 (00:09):
It's a height limit. Let me you know what we
do here, destroy shame around sex by talking about sex. Now,
let me tell you something messy. I don't know if
(00:29):
it's messy. It is, though, basically every time I go
through the t s A it seems as though I
get stopped. You know, when you go in through the
big thing where you gotta put your hands up and
spread your legs and you gotta spread your legs and
put them on the stickers on the ground, and then
that big machine goes whoosh right, and then you step
out and they look at their little monitor to see
(00:50):
if there's anything they gotta pat down. For whatever reason,
I keep buzzing that thing off, and the area that
they have to look at is my like to the
point where like they I now know when the TSA
agent looks at me, because they have to give me
the hey, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna touch you,
(01:11):
I'm gonna touch your dick. They don't say that because
that's unprofessional, but they're like, you spread your legs and
use the back of my hand, and they show me
the monitor to show and it's blinking red like around
my dick, and I'm like, there's nothing in there, like
I'm wearing you know, I don't travel crazy. I wear
sweats to travel, you know, and I do wear underwear,
and it's very loose underwear. So I'm like, what's going on?
(01:33):
So I think it means my dick is too big?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
I don't want to say that, right, Like, what, like,
what else is going on? The TSA keeps stopping me
for this weapon. I hate this. This is so toxic,
but I have no other Like I thought it was
a zipper at one point, but like it's because I
(02:00):
have like one of my sweats has like zippers on
the side, but it's not that because there's no zipper
in the front of my groin because I'm not wearing jeans.
They're like, I'm not. I don't, you know, I don't.
All that's in there is dick balls and pubes and
sometimes it's not even pubes because I shaved those at times,
So I don't. I don't really know what's going on.
But if you know what's going on and you can
support me because I'm not, like, I'm not trying to
(02:23):
be intimate with TSA like this over and over. You
know what I'm saying, I'm not. That's not that's not uh,
that's not what I want for me. That's not what
I see for myself. And so I just need to
know if if there's something I can do about my penis.
Do I need to wrap it? Do I need to
bind it? Do I need to You know, I was
gonna say chop it off, but that seems too extreme.
(02:44):
Not that I'm not gonna do that, but like what,
like do I need to say ahead of time, Hey,
big dick, it's gonna buzz off. Could you imagine just
like putting my stuff on the convey like, hey, big dick, hare,
it's gonna the machine's gonna go off tender tender. I
don't know, but if you have any thoughts on why
this happens, please let me know. If you are a
(03:05):
TSA agent, or you work with those machines, if you
invented those machines, I don't know. I don't know who listens.
Maybe you can give us a little more insight as
to why my dick keeps setting off the alarms. Well,
by the way, welcome to the show. This is called
telling me something messy. I'm your host, Brandon Cayle Goodman.
Some people call me messy mother, but you could call
me okay. Well, I mean there are options here. You
(03:28):
can call me tsass, you can call me pet down pro,
you call me you call me pet down, pussy pro,
My god, start the show. Start the show. You know
what that sound means. That sound means that there is
a foosball. If you're new here, foosball is our safe word.
(03:49):
So if like, something happens on the show and you're like,
oh that unintentionally offended or what is that? Or what foosball?
So let's talk about it. A couple weeks ago over
the holiday, I doe what episode was that? It was
the Christmas episode? Yes, because the episode my Messy Story
or my messy rant was about uh winter penis. If
(04:12):
you recall, and somebody messaged online, they didn't call it
a foosball moment. My assumption is they were a first
time listener and they just took issue with what they
felt I was making fun of performance anxiety and a
rectal dysfunction and bragging about having a big dick what
they said, So it made me want to just step
(04:33):
this out for a moment. One When it comes to
the winter penis messy story, I was not making fun
of performance anxiety or a rectile dysfunction. There are things
I've experienced and I've written about. I was making fun
of something called winter penis and the concept of a
penis receding into your your body by fifty percent because
it's wintertime. Turn a thermostat, baby, we call me good. Okay.
(04:56):
I was comparing it to blue balls, but which you know,
blue walls. My husband says it's real, but I think
it's a myth. Anyways, So that was my take on
winter penis, that said in general, and I maybe I'm
just over explaining, but we are, you know, I know
there are new listeners coming in and you might be
new to me completely, and so I just want to
(05:17):
make sure that I am setting up the guardrails of
this space that we're building together, our community, which is
when I do the messy stories and the messy rants.
A lot of times they are of course based off
of true events, but this is a comedy podcast and
I'm gonna make some jokes. I'm gonna be laughing, never
at the expense of anyone, never at making fun of
anyone unless it's myself. So when I talk about specifically
(05:40):
having a big dick, girl, what's a big dick? Define
a big dick? Define the length of a big dick,
which is a different episode for the podcast, Like I'm
fucking around with y'all. Okay, So I hope y'all all
be thinking that I'm here bragging about having a big dick.
I'm not. I don't my dick. This happened with me
(06:04):
on a grinder. People will ask what how big are you?
And people are very obsessed with the size, and I
will tell y'all what I tell them, I don't know.
I have not measured my penis since I was a teenager.
When my dick gets hard, my first instinct is not, huh,
I should measure this, And if that's yours, you know,
(06:26):
go off. I love you, you know, know your body
like that. But that is just not my instinct. And
I think that there's there are conversations to have which
we won't have in this episode about bde as we
would call it big dick energy or what is a
big dick, and what are we qualifying as a big dick,
and why is that important? All that stuff. We're not
doing that today though, But I just want to say,
(06:48):
because I know the messy story I just told was
me talking about big dick. We're made the jokes here.
It's a joking joke. Okay, I'm not saying my dick
is small, but I don't know if my dick is big.
My dick is dick. And I love her down. Whatever
she is, however she is qualified, I love her down. Okay,
(07:08):
Now let's get the show started. Okay, baby, you know
what that means. It is time for a guest. Now,
while they get situated, we'll get our MESSI Kiki started
with a ho manifesto. Repeat after me aloud or in
your head. Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame,
the courage to heal, the wisdom to that sex is
not just about penetration, The audacity to advocate for my
(07:29):
pleasure and boundaries. The strength to not call my ex
that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck bay, for it
is better to masturbate by myself in peace than to
let someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the community
say Oh helujah. I am so excited to have Karamo
on the show. The Emmy nominated hosts and culture expert
(07:51):
on Netflix's international hit series Queer Eye, Karamo is a
sympathetic talk therapist wrapped inside a life coach and zipped
into a fast fashion bomber jacket. According to The New Yorker,
Karamo draws from his work in social services to show
how he both discovered and learned to explore his many
different identities, whether as a black man, openly gay man,
(08:13):
a son of immigrant parents, a Christian, or a single father.
Karama strategically utilizes the strength of his numerous identities to
achieve success and teaches others to do the same. Y'all
please help me. Welcome Karama, Hi, Garama, how are you.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I'm really great.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I'm so happy you're here. This happen. Thank you, gorgeous?
Thank you. Okay, before we get into the messy ki ki,
we have some messy mandates, all right, Okay, here we go.
Things get to be on process. Any thoughts or opinion
shared have the right to shift, evolve or change today, tomorrow,
ten years from now. And if during the kiki something
feels too personal or unintentionally offense. We use the safe
(08:53):
word foosball, which gives us a moment to pivot or
address accordingly. Okay, sound good. Let's start with the loue breaker.
Okay again, it's perfect, all right, smash or pass? You
know how this goes.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yes, let's say something.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
You tell me if you smash your pass it? Okay,
smash or past? Camping pass great wine?
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Because I hate the outdoors.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Yeah, what are the outdoors? I also do not like
the outdoors because I'm black. There's ancestors that are whispering
in my ears. Yes, no, no, we're not doing this ship. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
People love to camp for days at a time. My
husband can do it for three days max. But then afterwards,
the showering of it all, he really can't.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
And your husband is Caucasian, and that is why, that
is why, that is.
Speaker 3 (09:39):
That is absolutely correact and I never go camping. I'm
not doing smash your past being verbal and during sex
in the bedroom, like, do you like quiet?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Do you smash?
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (09:50):
I'm not verbal, but I love someone verbal.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
You love someone verbal? So you like when they talk?
You like when they moan?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
All of them scream, moan.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Tell me what you like what I do was I
love to I like to whisper in ears and say like,
this is fucking mine, Like, tell me this moment, this
belongs to me.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Whisper.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
I do a lot of that that's verbal as yeah,
but like I'm a whisper. Whisper and sex yeah, but
I like I like them to be like as loud
as possible.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
I love that. I was at a sexpert the other
day and there was a moment where I forgot myself
and I was like, wow, I'm a squeaking murder. It's
a lower my voice. I'm a smash on spit play yes, yes,
smash sorry yea. Also you can also smash if it's
like a smash mast.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah, it's a smash. It's a smash.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Yeah, it's because I'd love to like do a slight
little in someone else's mouth. Yes, but if you spit
on me again again their ancestors. Yes, okay, I got
whisper in my ears, like you just said what happened.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Yes, okay, I'm with you. I like spit a but
if you spit on me, I have to like remind
myself that we're not about to fight, because initially I'm
like and oh wait, no, no, no, we're having a
little Yes. So it's a smass smash or pass fingering
smash smash. Do you like to finger or be fingered
(11:20):
or both?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I like to only finger. Yes, Yes, I'm very rare
when things are near my booty hoole.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
That's love. It's love. When it's love, it's only love.
I can't say the same uh often. But fingering is
I have like a I have a smass relationship. I
feel like if somebody can do it and knows how
to do it, it's great. But I think that some people,
(11:47):
like the finger and the dick do not feel the same,
and people try to work it the same way and
it's like no, no, no, Like the finger needs to
be gentler. And I also don't always want to inside
like play with the whole. Yes, yeah, you're a little sneaking,
but you can't. I'm not.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yes, it's it's actually one of the ways that I
learned to be a better top was learning how to
finger first, Oh, tell me about it, eating ass and
learning how to top and being patient and also understanding
what your partner needs.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Also allows you to be more in tuned with their feelings.
They're what they're what they're going to enjoy them out of.
And someone who's not a good top is going to
treat an asshole with a finger the same way they
would treat it with their penis.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
So it's like like you just said, like sometimes it's
not about jamming it in, it's sometimes about like how
am I massaging it?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:34):
I'm playing with the hole in the process at the
same time with my thumb, Like are we going a
little bit?
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Do we need to make it a little bit wetter?
Do we need to eat it a little bit? Do
we need to do these things?
Speaker 4 (12:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (12:42):
How did you learn to become a better top? Like
who taught you? Or did you go searching? Or did
somebody to the bottom was like.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
A really good bottom, a really good, really good bottom. Yeah,
I'm gonna call him Jay. Yeah please and Jay still
he's married with a beautiful kid now. And Jay really
was like, I'm ten years older than you and I'm
to sell your little fucking twenty three year ass Ye
pay attention, girl, Yes.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Now I need you to ask me what is this?
Do you need to And thenes he.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Said no, girls ask her, yes, she wants that to
And I'm like Okay, Oh I love Jay.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Yeah, everyone needs a Jay. I feel like everyone needs,
especially queer folks because you know, I feel like straight
sexes is no straight men also need I think the
ladies listening here like, yes, please get them. I'll be
the Jay. But like, yeah, I think we all need
because it's wild, like we're kind of tossed into sex
(13:39):
and expected to know how to do it based off
of what we saw on a TV show or we
saw on porn, but that there's no there's such a
fear of asking. There's such a fear of admitting that
you don't know what to do. We're asking how to be,
how to do it well. So to have a Jay
who doesn't dismiss you but goes let me actually work
you through this is so loving and liberty.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
One of my favorite things that I try to remind
people now is like especially when like, if you really
want to make sure that your sex life is good,
I'm I love a pause in the middle where we start,
get up, get up from the space you're fucking stand, kiss, embrace,
and then within that say.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Did you like that?
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
What do you want more of? What do you not?
You know? And like it's it can be very sexy.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
It's not because people think like to ask is to
take away the mood, right, but actually a pause with
an embrace and kissing in the middle and being like
did you like?
Speaker 3 (14:33):
What do you like?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Is like you're you're making sure that we're all aligned,
the intimacy is there, and then you're now paying attention
to their needs. I love, And that's my favorite fucking
thing to do.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
That is such a great recommendation, and I appreciate like
stepping that out like a check in, check in during
the sex, but then like a really big step out of.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
The step out, step out, and we're not laying not
like it's.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Like we're taking a moment. We're taking a moment.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
We're going to breathe, We're gonna embrace, like what did
you like?
Speaker 3 (15:00):
You know what I think is people are white people
don't do that as because I also I often feel
like people are going once we penetrator and this is it,
and I'm like, sex is like it's a journey, journey, journey.
I just went on a roller coaster yesterday, so I'm
going to describe it as a roller coaster, which is
that like they are ups and downs, there are loops.
There's moments that it's super fast moments, but like having those,
(15:23):
like understanding that sex should be a journey and not
just like one linear linear path. I agree.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
I'm so glad that we have you, and then you
have this podcast me too, and that you are like
on a national platform talking about these things. Yeah, and
I just got to give you some flowers. I mean, seriously,
I got. I mean, I've always loved your career and
I always supported you, But when I saw you the
other day, I watch What Happens Live and you talking
so freely and openly and confidently about you your relationships,
(15:50):
I literally got emotional because as black men, as black
queer men, yeah, we don't have those examples. We do
not have enough of those examples. And this is not
to discredate anyboy online, it's not. But I feel like
more straight black women have those Black women have those,
but I don't feel like queer black men have what
you are providing us.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
Yeah, there's the queers and the black queers. There's not
a space necessarily for us all to go to to
go to watering holes like.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
You are it.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
And I'm getting full and I'm enjoying every moment of it.
And I've just said to give your flowers?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Can I give your flowers back? Though? Because you have
supported me from the very beginning and seeing you is
also given me courage. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like seeing somebody that looks like me out there, who
is openly queer living their fabulous life like that is
he Let mean, that's not something I grew up with,
even like you know the Coromo show right now, Like
that wasn't to see a black queer with their own
(16:44):
daytime show. That wasn't a thing. That wasn't even like
it was so radical to conceive of that. And so
giving you your flowers as.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Well, I can't wait, and well I can't wait, but
I can't wait for two hundred years from now when
there's two of us here, They're gonna be calling on
the ancest and we're gonna be standing over.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
To get it, baby, get it. We are so proud, Okay,
get it.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, we're proud of y'all. Keep achieving, keep sucking.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Absolutely we will be there, will be absolutely. Absolutely. You
won the game by the way you did the smash
your paths. You want to you win. My unconditional love
if y'all have any prompts or ideas for loop breakers,
email tell me something messy at gmail dot com. Speaking
(17:33):
of which, Chroma, can you tell me something messy?
Speaker 1 (17:36):
What I am is an open book, and what I
am now is I want to be more of an
open book about all parts of me. Is because there's
been a very as a as a queer man, as
a gay black man, there has been a place where
like I had to be sort of squeaky a sort
of way because of the show I was on, and
(17:56):
we were looked at as like these five gays who
can never do anything in the representative Yeah, and I
do not want to be like I want to be
me and live my career and so and you and
I didn't know each other very personally.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
She's a hoe.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
I'm we're both.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
I claim it and I love it.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I love my body and I love I love consensual
sex and respect and like nastiness at all. And sometimes
there's not a space for I'm a professional, but also
I'm a sexual being.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
And then we'll do it. So pretty friends, these are
your submissions, and remember everything gets to remain anonymous. Okay,
this one says recently discovered I like getting my pussy
juice spit in my mouth?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
What do you think of?
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Well, so like we don't have necessarily pussy juice or
I guess do you like complays?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
So I had a girlfriend is speaking of oh back
in the way, who like this? She loved it. She
loved for me to eat her out and then go
back in her mouth. She's probably the catalyst for me
never going back to girls ever.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
By the way, because you're like, there, listen, and this
is no vagina shaming.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
I'm not one of those girls.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
The vagina is gorgeous's beautiful, love it powerful. She's just
not for me, absolutely, and when she is leaking at
her best, she's definitely not.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
You're like, I can't do that.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
She's definitely like for me. I've never been a friend
of a great food. I've never I've never like, give
me something that like squirts.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
In my mouth and yeah I want to ice cream?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Want But she liked when I would like. It started
off where that was eighteen.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
You would eat her out and then she would say
kiss me, and then it got to more like playing
with her clitorists.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
She came and then she'd be like, put.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
In my mouth, Oh what for some for some, hey,
for some, for I feel like I mean, I do
love swallowing. I'm a you know, I'm an overachiever in
that way, but I've never like put come in my
mouth and then like spirit or let them or come
in somebody's mouth and let them put in my mouth.
I'll try it, and then I'll let you know, because
(20:08):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Maybe dependent on how much the person orgasms.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Sure like if they're a big coming, yeah, I famously
understand it. I have smaller loads. Famously. There are times
where it's a big load, but usually i'd be getting
sucked for a long time. Yes, but if it's just
like a masturbation, it's because I'm a dribbler, like down there,
look at me, knowing sports. But I'm gonna try this.
(20:40):
My boyfriend does couple lot, so I don't know I
can do it with him, but yes, I'm gonna try this.
Hour report back. Okay, this one says, my boyfriend's office
door locks you in. We fucked while the kids were
in the room on their phones. The five year old
tried to save us and picked the lock. Now I'm
always thinking about because the holidays were coming, like having
like parents having sex with the kids. You have two kids, Yes,
(21:01):
you're navigated sex with kids in the house.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Yes, How do you do it about especially once they
start getting to like twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, Yeah,
and they could fully be aware its kids ruined sex.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Do you have to have a conversation about it?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Do you? Like, how do you win kids?
Speaker 3 (21:19):
Well, like yeah, like if you're like, okay, you're a
ven age having sex me and no, no.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I mean like maybe you should be able to have
a conversation, but like I still and I know how
to talk about relationships. I know, have a conversation with
kids about them being safe with their sex. It's been
about exploring, but like there's always this boundary of like
I'm your dad, I can't tell you what I'm doing,
Thus you can't hear what I'm.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Doing, and you can't you can't know.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
You can't I don't do anything any single thing. And
so it's so like like when I was in when
we were I was in this ten year relationship, and
when the kids were in the house, it was like no,
no sex, or we.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Have to go in the bathroom. The bathroom door that
was in the bedroom already, So.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
There was like a double double.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Usually the shower would be on or we'd have to
wait till they were sleep, and it was always silent,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
We just talked about like yeah, yeah, And so I
feel for them. They are always gonna want to be
They want to know what's.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Hayah, I have the clothes I have? Is the dog?
The dog really wants to be?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Oh my god, I'm like, you have to.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
I'm okay with people like to have sex with the
animals in the room. God bless you. That is not me.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
I don't mean either when you turn right, Oh my gosh,
we wanted to.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Not doing talk in the living room, will be in
the bedroom. Yea, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I wish I wish parents the best of luck. Though
that I wish them the best.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
I wish you have. You have to negotiate it.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
It's like real conversation about how we're gonna do that. Yeah,
but you know that's probably also like what I like
straight couples, they end up having sexless marriages because they
get into a pattern where it's like it's about the kids. Yes,
we can't have intimacy unto their sleep. And then now
we've just lost learning how to have connection.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
Yes, we talked about that. I interview Danielle Schneider and
we were talking just about like motherhood and how that
shifts when you have a kid and now your attention
becomes about the kid. How that can kind of play
with your sex drive and like having to learn a
new way of connecting. Yes, actually yeah, because you're like
there's a new child or several children, and that's gonna
it's not gonna be as easy as it was.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
But I also think with gay men and I can
speak from that. For me, I think like seeing as
how and not allah, there is the way our parties,
you know, like a circuit party or like even like
a festival or a pride can like sometime you know,
allow you know, more open sexual environments, like navigating that
when you have kids as well, like you know what
(23:49):
I mean, because like we know that a friend can
also be a.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
Could be a friend. Kids, kids pick up on certain
yeah energy.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
And so having those those conversations were also like how
did you do that?
Speaker 3 (24:02):
Did were you able to do that? Are you still
forget that? No?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
At somebody? What's the email address?
Speaker 4 (24:09):
At?
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Message?
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Tell me something amail dot com? Can y'all tell us
gay parents out of the trenches now?
Speaker 3 (24:15):
But the ones that are in there, how y'all doing that,
How y'all doing how y'all navigating the circuit parties and
the full.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
And they're coming home with the kids.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Because have you ever seen that little bor on social
media where he like mimics his two gay his parents
are bears, and oh yes, I like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I love them. Like he's going to pick up on
something soon.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
They're not intentionally trying to put that phone down, so
that's see. Okay. This one says, I went to my
first Sniffy's orgy on Saturday, a success, which sniffy is,
by the way, for you who don't know, it's an app,
it's it's an app as far as I understand, that's
just on a desktop. And I would say, as my understanding,
(24:57):
Sniffy's they nasty and grinder. They in the parks.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
So you know why it can't be because like, you
can't confirm my identity. So that's why they can't. They
don't reach those guidelines because.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Anonymous, and that's part of the I like to know
who I like.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I don't want to be on it.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
I don't want to.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
I'm not showing up to see who is the person.
I like the surprise, you know. I used to love
like when the door opens. That's not how I like
to do my No, no, that's my TV shows. Do
you remember your first orgy?
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Mine?
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Yeah, what was it?
Speaker 3 (25:35):
What was your experience in your first orgy?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
It was overwhelming because everyone I talked about it like
there was a strong period of my life where like
I was heavy on like drugs and whatever. But at
this point for my first urgy, I was sober, and
so it was overwhelming because there was nothing but a
lot of high bottoms that all were like you know,
(25:57):
everyone else who could have been a top was unable
to perform because we were too high.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
So it was like a lot of pressure of life.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
It was you and your day.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
It was like I'm like, girl, I go, let's go.
But then it was like, okay, I don't. It's like
I'm not connecting anymore. Yeah, and for me, I need connection.
I need a bit of connection.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
I'm with you just a little bit, even though you're
just like do you like that song? I like that
song too, Yeah, let's follow it.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
You need a little bit of connection.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
So a little bit. Yes, you know, let me define
orgy because I was thinking about, like, what is the
difference between an orgy and a sex party, which they
have crossover, but they're I think slightly different. Do you
know the difference I would think would you describe it?
I would think that.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Sex party is more a lot more strangers and also
usually is coming after a club or there could be
more drugs involved, where orgy is more we're aware of
the people that are coming and that you know, like
this is specifically for us to have a certain type
of enjoyment and there's.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Less drugs involved. Yes, is what I would assume that
would So this.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Is this is I googled it and it said an
orgy is This one says a sex party where guests
freely engage and open and unrestrained sexual activity of group sex.
This other one says a wild party, especially one involving
excessive drinking and unrestrained sexual activity. I'm kind of more
with you. Where I think an orgy, I would describe
it as group sex, which you know, like is like
(27:21):
five or more, uh, And I would say that like
we're all in the same room. Ye.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Sex party is like the girls.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
And there's like maybe perhaps I don't know if it's
I would say, like a sex party. Sometimes he has
a little more structure because you're like, I feel like
I get invited to a sex party and somebody's like,
on Friday night, we're doing this. Yeah, there will be lub.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Well, I feel like orgy is more structured. Okay, is
girls after people are coming, yes, in my opinion, but
the sex party is also.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
But I guess the clear different delineation is that a
sex party would be y'all were just in this space
wherever you are.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Orgy we're all coming all together together. Were more it's
more concise.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Yeah, that's what I mean. That's what I think.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
But expert, whatever you do.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
It is what was my first orgy? So my very
first orgy, by this description, would have been in college,
eight of us that were freshmen, several of us, several
men and women, and I don't remember, I like didn't
know what was happened. It was like my first six
(28:31):
you know you've seen it important. I can't remember if
we got naked, like all in the bed, touching and
stroke and kissing. But then what was my first real
I guess that was a real orgy, but like as
an adult, am I have been a dark room more so,
which I guess that's an orgy more than a sex
party because we're all in one space.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
It's surprising that you like dark rooms when you don't
like a Sniffy's so okay.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
So I've learned this about myself. Okay, So I like
a dark room if I feel emotionally connected outside of
the dark room. So if my relationships and my like
roster is doing well outside, then I can do whatever
in the dark But if my roster or my sex
is not doing well outside, then there becomes too much
(29:17):
pressure in the dark room. Got it? Does that make sense?
I'm if my cup is full and then I can
move in there, because I think in the dark room
you gotta have like your confidence, You got to have
like a You got to just be able to go
with the flow of what's happening. And if my ship
is not correct outside, I'm two in my head.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
See, I've never enjoyed it dark You've never enjoyed a
dark room.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
There's a connection.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
There's a small piece of me that's demisexual.
Speaker 3 (29:39):
Oh and let me can I let me just define demisexual? Uh,
which is a sexual orientation, where a person only experiences
sexual attraction after forming a close emotional connection with someone.
I need you want to know who they are.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
I need to know who you are. I mean, sex
is beautiful. I love it. I love it when it's
free and everyone is enjoying it.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Yes, but like I also like, so I'm I'm one
of these girls that if we have sex, like and
it's random, like I still want to like.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Follow you on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Yeah, Like most people could go to my followers list
and be like, oh okay, because girl, Like if a
random person had picked up, it's because I'm not as
gonna be like, oh girl, I'm like.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
That's gonna I hate why people don't like to say
hello at the gym after her. It's like, babe, I
was inside you, like hello, Hello, how are you? How
are you? People really get like in their head like yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
But no, And so I think that for me is
why the experience of like dark rooms those places aren't
as exciting. Yes, because it's like, well, like what you
just said, if you're a build up on the outside,
it's sexy now it can follow through for me. Unfortunately,
Like even if the build up is sexy outside I
don't want to go on there because again I can't see.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
I can't see, and it's true, I do love. I
do love to dance with somebody. I'm so my friends
make fun of me because I feel like I get
a boyfriend at a party, like a dance for a boyfriend,
so like where my friends will bounce around from guy
to guy. I've seen it, You've seen me like with one.
I love it. I'm like I'm in my loan and
(31:12):
my one night relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
You are giving what I else I love about you
is you dance and you give us a sexy, beautiful show.
You're like you're like it's like very like the way
I can describe you in a club if you don't
mind you please is Janet jackson if video.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
Wow, this is pray you like but like just but
like also sexy, but it's like I'm gonna hit that
but all eyes on you.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
I love.
Speaker 3 (31:46):
I love a dance for I love owning my power
and I love I love you. That's my like ursula moment.
I feel like I lure the boys you do.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
That's that's why the only only thought I could have
was Janet Jackson If. Because it's like I'm here looking
at me and like everyone is watching.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
I'm okay with that. I know it took a little bit,
but I love it. My dance for boyfriend Ye. And
then I go in out the dark room with them, Yes,
and I find that to be the sexiest. Okay. This
one says there's a girl who's really into me and
I like her, but I think I'm afraid of intimacy. Help.
So I thought we could talk about intimacy because we
were talking about emotional connection this time. Yeah, I'll define
(32:25):
intimacy first, and then we can get into how one
does it. I guess Okay. This says intimacy close familiarity
or friendship, closeness or a private, cozy atmosphere can be
an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse, an intimate remark, closeness
of observation or knowledge of a subject. I think it's
interesting that intimacy often gets called sexual act, but I
(32:48):
don't think that every sexual act is intimate.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
It's not not. Yeah, intimacy is.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
It's literally what I just said about earlier, about the
taking a moment outside of the space yes and standing Yeah,
I'm embracing you and figuring out what you need yes,
that's intimacy.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
That's to me is when real intimacy happens.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
I agree, what is your desires? What do you want?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Who are you?
Speaker 3 (33:10):
Who are you? It's a desire to know someone, which
I find and I've learned this over time. But it
can be difficult for people to want to have that
intimacy with a stranger or with someone they're new with.
And I think that that's exactly when you should be
trying to agree, Tomcy. But I think that because people
are so afraid and think that they have to go deep. Yeah,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
It's like we have to get married now, we have
to get an intimate Yes, Like intimacy is just like
I'm just curious to have a little bit more of
a connection.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
I think that we're losing a bit of that curiosity,
you know what I mean of like who are you?
Speaker 3 (33:41):
Yeah? What are you about? And what do you like?
Speaker 1 (33:43):
And like I don't have to then all of a
sudden say I want more sure because I want to
be a little bit more intimate with you. And I
think people need to reframe that in their minds that
intimacy doesn't mean long term connection. Intimacy can mean, I
just want to know a bit about you for this moment, Yes,
so that we can have a better connection.
Speaker 3 (34:03):
I love that. I think that you're saying that, and
that makes me think that the fear around intimacy is
that you're losing something. Yeah, right, Like my fear to
give this intimacy is that I feel like I'm going
to lose something or that I'm going to be seen
and rejected, which sorry, I'm processing real time. Which then
I would be curious if you are intimate with yourself.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Oh yeah, Well, the journey always tells with ourselves. I mean,
and when this goes into emotional sexual how well do
you know yourself?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Like, Yeah, I know my body. I know the parts
that I like.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
I know the parts that make me feel uncomfortable, and
I'm falling in love with the parts that make me
feel uncom I know what's going to make me orgasm.
I know what is going to make me feel giddy,
and it's you know, childlike in this instance of like
when we're playful and yeah, for sure, And it's because
I'm intimate with myself. I have the hard conversation with myself.
I get close with myself and a lot of people
(34:55):
don't do that.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (34:57):
You know how I learned to be intimate with myself.
Nothing about it was learning how to douche because there's
something about that's like you have to learn your body,
like you have to know when you can do it.
How how long is.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
But like for me, I've never done in my life.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
Oh my goodness, I want you to do it, just
to do it, I cannot. I can't. Okay, you might listen,
life is long. You might at one point be like,
I'm gonna learn how to do Why not said.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
The girls that I said that that in my life,
I've said, you know what, I bought them for you
for I'm paying attention. Girl, that better not be more
than a certain size.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Girl. That means you, I'm very specific girl, Like was it's.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
The height limit?
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Let me mention very small.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
I feel like douching really because the process of learning
how to do it and like learning my like learning
my gut health was required me to be really in
touch with my body. And so that I think started
or helped to contribute to a journey of like being
into with myself. And I do think that the fear
because this person let me read you exactly what they said.
(36:13):
They said, I'm afraid of intimacy, and I think that
that's another way of saying I'm afraid of myself. Because
if you don't know, if you don't know what's going
on here, then of course it feels like you're going
to lose something when you're Whereas for me, because I
feel like I know what this, what my body is
and my emotions are, I don't feel like I'm losing
anything intimate with somebody, even if it's for a moment,
(36:35):
I feel like I'm expanding into something.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
I agree that's what you are with it. Yeah, right,
if I can tell you, if I can. Hearing you
say that, it reminded me that I think the first
time that I realized that I was intimate with myself
is through Jagon, who told me to match the right
in front of them ah and directed me. And this
is young twenty two year old me twenty three. Yeah,
that said he was like, touch yourself, m because I
(37:00):
most men when they're having when they're watching porn, it
is about me playing only with my penis.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
Yes, that's it.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
I'm going to here, I'm playing with this and then
maybe nipples. That's it, yes, but how many of us
have ever caressed ourselves while we're doing it, enjoying ourselves,
maybe choked yourself a little, did anything to yourself to
make yourself feel more connected with your own body in
this act. And then secondly, when he told me to
do that, it was like it was changing for me
because I had never caressed my own self. And then
(37:29):
afterwards the porn that I was watching, he said, so,
why do you think you enjoyed that? And it was
the first time someone ever asked me versus just being like,
oh because it was hot, ask me, what was the intensionality?
What was my connection to that? What does that else
wo say about where I'm at mentally, physically, emotionally. And
it sounds so wild, but I would encourage everyone to
(37:52):
do it once for once in your life, when you're
about to have an intimate moment with yourself, touch yourself,
embrace yourself, feel yourself up as you're also masturbating, and
then when you're done, take a second before you like
get up and start your day. And while you had that,
post that clarity and say, what was it about that
that I enjoyed and why?
Speaker 3 (38:11):
And where am I? Like?
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Why was this group sex or this this fist thing
play or whatever it is. Why was that?
Speaker 3 (38:21):
Yeah? And it's not with judgment, right, It's a curiosity.
Speaker 1 (38:23):
With yourself about yourself. It's not a group thing because
that is now intimacy. And the more you can get
comfortable in that this person here, you will then find yourself.
When someone says I want to know more about your body,
You're like explore, yes, And when they say what are
you into, You're like, I know what I'm I know,
And these intimacy questions are going to be so intimidating. Again,
going to your point, it's about expanding because now I
(38:45):
can let you in because I'm fully aware of who
I am.
Speaker 3 (38:48):
Yes, And also like if you don't know, I think
that's also intimacy. It's like, oh, I actually don't know
in this and I want to explore. I want to
expe you are.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
But even that being most people are not afraid to
say that. Yeah, but that starts with again, like that
that just taking a moment with yourself. Everything starts at home. Yeah,
everything starts with you.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
I would also suggest, and this is what I've been
working on, especially suggested for men or male body and
anyone's like kind of raising that indoctrinated with that is
I'm working on being more intimate with my male friends,
which is not sexual.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Yeah, but like you know, I was with my best.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Friend the other day. I was just holding his hand,
not sexual. It's like I'm here, like, just what are
those things that we're taught don't do because that's not
manly or that's whatever. How can I like let me
run my hand through my best friends? Like it's not sexual,
but it's intimate.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
So my publicist is here yea.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
And literally when I pulled up the first thing, I
rolled down the window and said, you are stunning and
there is there is no sexual between us. We have
never had anything like that, And but I make it
a priority. Yes, say intimate beautiful things. Yes, to make
sure he's aware. Yes, like you're one of the most
beautiful people.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
You deserve the like and he is.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Do we not have that like shared like respect of
like I agree with you, like in finding ways to hug, embrace,
hold a hand.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
Yes, with a male friend that doesn't turn into sex
is also gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
I love that. Yeah, It's like you can work on
your intimacy with yourself and with your platonic relationships, and
I think that will bleed into the romantic or the
sexual relationships because we're like, what is the fact.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
That so thank you?
Speaker 3 (40:25):
Oh my gosh, al conversations.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
All generation this girl. You have no idea.
Speaker 3 (40:34):
We didn't have this girl. We didn't have it. We
did not have it. We did not have conversation we
need to be having.
Speaker 2 (40:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
Yeah, So for this person, I would say, uh.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
One.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
I would also say you can say to that girl,
I'm afraid of intimacy. I think that's another thing that's
an intimate that's an intimate act. It's an intimate it's
to say to the person I'm afraid of intimacy. I
like you, I really enjoy this, but I'm afraid to.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
And people don't realize that, Yes, even saying the thing
that's hard is an intimate act.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
And when you say the hard thing to me, it
gives you all the information you need by the way
the person responds or reacts, and it's like, oh is
this If the person who responds in a way that
holds it, you're like, oh, this is somebody I can
continue pursuing.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
What listen?
Speaker 3 (41:19):
If they don't, then you're like, save you some time
save you to ye.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
Let me tell you what I learned very early on
is that an action can be closure for me. I
don't need to have forty conversations with you to get
my closure.
Speaker 3 (41:31):
Come on, that takes time for you.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
To understand that. Like your response in this moment gives
me the closure I need to know. This is never
gonna work.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
You can just leave people where they are. Where they are,
You can say I feel like there's these memes are
like just say lol, like the girls.
Speaker 2 (41:48):
Feel like I need to call you, I need conversation.
Your action just gave me the closure I had.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
Absolutely thank you. And even if you had that conversation,
the frustration you might come up against is that person
is what I always say, reacting versus responding. So when
somebody's reacting an attack, it has nothing to do with you.
It's the baggage that they've brought and it's being projected
onto you. So you're never gonna get the clear answer
that you want because it has nothing to do with
(42:14):
it nothing.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
So take that as your closure.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
Take the Actually, my angel, when somebody shows you they
are believe that your side, you did that fuck shit,
that's all that's.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
All I needed.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
I'm so quick on telling people thank you, thank you.
People are so confused when they do something that is negative. Yes,
say thank you people for the past decade. Yeah, because
they're like what, and I'm like, no, thank you, gratitude.
And then I'm like and then the scorpio pops in.
I'm like, bye, have a good day.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
When I go on a date and somebody's rude to
a waiter, it is a thank you moment for me.
Speaker 2 (42:48):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (42:48):
It's like, oh, you're our first date and you be
mean to people who are helping us.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I don't need to thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
You go there.
Speaker 3 (42:54):
You mean to me. Eventually, thank thank you, goodbye, goodbye.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 3 (42:58):
That's team. Let me ask you the last two questions
that we asked here, which is, have you ever had
sex and a porta potty? No?
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Girl, No, she is not doing it.
Speaker 3 (43:11):
I'm neither.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
But some people have Okay, hold on, talk to me
or have you Oh my gosh, oh realized this.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
Think about it.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
So I have house parties and I have portaties. Yes,
and they're fancy.
Speaker 3 (43:25):
They're fancy.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
They're fancy, they're not they're not the usual pour out
the construction, construction, they're facing music playing everything.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
Yeah, it's like a little bit of room. Very nice,
and so I have Okay, okay, I just oral or
in one of my to be honest, I might have
had something to do. Actually, see I did the first
time I getting over. I did have a little moment.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
About the lie.
Speaker 3 (43:57):
Yeah, I've been lying on this podcast. I had sex
and I did all right, here we go.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Girl.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
It's not festival and it doesn't stay. That's what's crazy.
It stays. Yeah, okay. The last question is what could
you learn to love more about yourself?
Speaker 2 (44:24):
What can I learn? That's a hard question because I'm
the self work I do daily.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
I bet, I mean, I really am constantly talking to myself,
having conversation with.
Speaker 3 (44:35):
Myself, Like what's the thing that you worked on the
most that you were like, oh this is this was
the thorn. Maybe you love your love you you love
it now, but it was originally a thorn.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
I wasn't patient with myself and and now I'm more
patient with myself and I love that I'm in that
journey right now, makes sense, makes perfect sense. Yeah, I
am also relationships wise, I am also in a space
where if we are not planning our partnership, then I
(45:07):
don't want it. It has to be both of us
planning our partnership. And when I say planning our partnership,
I mean are we both actively engage in how we're
going to be emotionally, partnership, healthy, financially everything. Because the
girls don't like to always talk about and you have
one person who's doing more than the other, and that
why don't they?
Speaker 3 (45:26):
That is so such tea because I have data people
where I'm like trying to have the emotional conversation and.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
They don't want to. They don't want to have that
such conversation. They're not They might want to talk one
part of how we're moving forward, but they don't want
to talk about the other day. Absolutely, And so if
you're not planning your partnership with me intentionally, then girl,
I don't need to be around you.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
I also think that you're saying partnership is so important,
and I try to specify that like I'm never looking
for a spouse or a boyfriend or this, I'm looking
for a partner. It's different, yes, like we're building something well,
the way you have a business partner, the way you
have a co host what it's like. That is the
partnership that I'm looking for building. You said, not just
trying to be like your passive husband, wife or boyfriend girlfriend,
(46:09):
but like, let's build, let's build. And that is a
different level of relationship or just like different approach to
relationship that requires you to be emotional, to be intimate,
to be vulnerable, to say what you want what you
don't want, to like, to have some tension that you
work through because I think if you're because you know,
a lot of us grew up, you know, all of
(46:30):
us grew up watching husband wife and in that dynamic,
the man is the this and the woman submits, and
we hate that version of things, but well, I think
we should all be striving for no matter what the
gender is. The partnership is the person that says, I
want to build with you. What you have to say
is a value here? What I have to say is
a value here? How do we and we're going to
find that?
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Yeah, emostly, mentally, physically, come on, sexually, come on, And I.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
Am all about that because I am tired of doing
the work in a partnership and another nigga is not.
Speaker 3 (47:03):
And you know what that is? That is uh, there's
a version of yourself that could hate that standard and
like fight against that and learning too, because I feel
like that's been me with just emotional connection, learning to
love that I enjoy emotional connection that I needed it,
you know. So it's like, oh, I need partnership. I
need this type of relationship and I don't. That's not
(47:23):
a bad thing because it's gays. You were like, I'm
supposed to just be able to put my dick out
and fuck and like it's like no, no, girl, Yeah,
I love that. Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
I will come anytime you want.
Speaker 3 (47:35):
Literally, don't make my pussy clap before I leave, clip plat.
I love you so much, thank you for having me.
Of course you've already know we're hoes here, but hose
(48:01):
with heart. So before we get out of here, let
me speak to yours. I love that everyone should find
a jay that is t you need your fairy home mother.
And perhaps I am a fairy home mother for some
of you or for a lot of you, and I'm honored,
but yeah, I think that everyone needs to find a jay.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
You know.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
The I am team saying I don't know. I have learned,
and this is about sex is about anything. I have
learned that there is such power in saying I don't know,
you know, asking questions, being curious, but saying I do
not know, because baby, it's your first time doing life.
You don't need to know everything. You don't have to
(48:44):
know everything. It does not make you a better person
because you know everything. It does not make you a
smarter person or or dumb person because you don't everything.
Say I don't know, because that actually creates space for
some learning and growth and expansion is inside of your learning.
But also specifically with sex, finding somebody you can learn
with is everything. Finding a partner you can learn with,
(49:07):
or you know teachers. You know porn is poor, so
you know that's not my teacher. But like finding sex
educators or sexual influencers or people who sexual columnists, or
you know, even your own life, your friends, your partners,
and being able to talk to them openly more and more.
I hope that this show inspires you to just talk
more and more about your sex and to help you
(49:29):
find your Jay or maybe you are the Jay. And
if you are the Jay, baby, don't be like. If
you got the knowledge, don't be afraid to share, don't
be afraid to guide. You know, I think I think
we all want to learn how to have better, hotter,
more connected sex. Also, intimacy is not something to be
scared of, and it's not something to reserve just for
(49:49):
your sexual relationships. I think that intimacy is something that
can happen across any of your relationships, and I would
encourage you to practice intimacy with your friends, intimacy with yourself.
If you are afraid of intimacy, I would I would
re translate that into you might be afraid of yourself.
(50:10):
There's nothing to judge about that there's something wrong. Listen,
There's a lot we There's a lot that goes into
making up who we are, and it can be overwhelming,
especially when you are navigating stories of rejection, stories of
not feeling good enough, not being worthy, things that people
have put on you. But I always say, you know,
instead of coming out, I've been thinking about this journey,
(50:33):
whether it's you know, saying that I'm gay and non binary,
I'm a hoe as coming home to myself. You know,
there was a version of you that didn't give a
fuck what anybody thought. You were just a cute, little
bouncy baby doing your shit, and then people started to
tell you, Oh, you're to this, You're to that, You're
not enough of this, you should do this. You can't
do that, you know. I always say this question, who
would I be? A society never got its hands on me.
(50:55):
That is a great way to begin becoming intimate with yourself,
coming back home to who you really are, shedding all
of the weight that other people put on you. Don't
be afraid of intimacy. It will save your life. It
will also expand and evolve and transform your life. Also,
I wanted to give you an updated definition for orgy
(51:19):
versus sex party, and to do that, I reached out
to my friend and friend to our show, Zachary Zay
and you might have heard him on our show on
the episode Find Your Covens of Doms on November twenty
first see look at Me. I'm giving you all the details. Anyways,
Zach says, and orgy is when five or more people
all have sex together. While everyone doesn't need to fuck
(51:40):
everyone in the orgy, there should be some form of
interaction between orgy yours. I love that word. It can
be as simple as just acknowledging and looking at the
other people fucking in the room. There's some debate about
how many people there needs to be to be considered
an orgy. I said five, because three sims and foursomes
are real words, and fivesome is not. I love that,
(52:02):
and I actually agree. I think an orgy, you know,
because if it's three of y'all, it's a three, it's
a four y'all, it's a foursome. That makes sense to me.
That's like, you know, two couples, but five some that's
not real. That's an orgy. I agree, Zach, I agree? Okay.
Zach says a sex party is a designated event people
attend to presumably have sex, but you may partner off
(52:22):
alone in a room with a single person and not
have multi person sex at a sex party. Not to mention,
some people don't have sex at a sex party, so
an orgy is more of the act of multiperson fucking,
whereas a sex party is a space where sex can
happen and is celebrated. Thank you, Zach. Zach is also
now officially the Grinder sex and relationship expert. Yay, Zachy,
(52:48):
you know, I also really love the definition because the
one that I read during the episode talks about like
drugs and alcohol being part of it, and joins and
alcohol absolutely do not need to be part of a
sex party or an orgy. To me, saying that just
reveals how much anything around sex is so villainized in
(53:12):
our puritanical culture that an orgy or a sex party,
which can actually be beautiful, healing, transformative experiences, gets you know,
the definition that is floating around that most people are
probably gonna find online will include drugs and alcohol, which
is something wrong with drugs and alcohol, But there is,
of course a puritanical judgment. You can hear it, you know,
(53:33):
you know, you know what I'm talking about. There's a tone,
there is a tone to the definition that says people
gotta be fucked up.
Speaker 2 (53:41):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (53:42):
There's a tone to that, and so I want to
So I really like Zach's definition, and that's what we
will be using here on the show. Okay, Well that's it.
I love you so much. Let's do some homekeeping. You
can find Karama on Instagram at Karamo k r Amo.
You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon
(54:02):
Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me
Something Messy, and you can join our community on the
Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,
recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also,
I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,
your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell
(54:25):
Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also
call us at six six nine sixty nine messy That
is six six nine six nine six three seven seven nine.
Rate review and share this podcast with all your hoe
and aspiring hoe friends. Really really helps the show out,
all right. Until next time, ask about the politics of
(54:46):
that dick before you make it spit, make sure they
eat the kitty before they beat the kitty, before fucation
or succation. Communication. And in case you haven't heard it yet,
today you are so deeply loved. I love you, ye,
thank you so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy.
If you all enjoyed the show, send me episode to
(55:07):
someone else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy
was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and Yours Truly.
Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network. Visit the iHeartRadio app,
or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.
The girls that I said, you know what, I bought
them for you for. I'm paying attention. Girl that better
not be more than a certain size girl.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
That means.
Speaker 3 (00:09):
It's a height limit. Let me you know what we
do here, destroy shame around sex by talking about sex. Now,
let me tell you something messy. I don't know if
(00:29):
it's messy. It is, though, basically every time I go
through the t s A it seems as though I
get stopped. You know, when you go in through the
big thing where you gotta put your hands up and
spread your legs and you gotta spread your legs and
put them on the stickers on the ground, and then
that big machine goes whoosh right, and then you step
out and they look at their little monitor to see
(00:50):
if there's anything they gotta pat down. For whatever reason,
I keep buzzing that thing off, and the area that
they have to look at is my like to the
point where like they I now know when the TSA
agent looks at me, because they have to give me
the hey, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna touch you,
(01:11):
I'm gonna touch your dick. They don't say that because
that's unprofessional, but they're like, you spread your legs and
use the back of my hand, and they show me
the monitor to show and it's blinking red like around
my dick, and I'm like, there's nothing in there, like
I'm wearing you know, I don't travel crazy. I wear
sweats to travel, you know, and I do wear underwear,
and it's very loose underwear. So I'm like, what's going on?
(01:33):
So I think it means my dick is too big?
Speaker 2 (01:37):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (01:38):
I don't want to say that, right, Like, what, like,
what else is going on? The TSA keeps stopping me
for this weapon. I hate this. This is so toxic,
but I have no other Like I thought it was
a zipper at one point, but like it's because I
(02:00):
have like one of my sweats has like zippers on
the side, but it's not that because there's no zipper
in the front of my groin because I'm not wearing jeans.
They're like, I'm not. I don't, you know, I don't.
All that's in there is dick balls and pubes and
sometimes it's not even pubes because I shaved those at times,
So I don't. I don't really know what's going on.
But if you know what's going on and you can
support me because I'm not, like, I'm not trying to
(02:23):
be intimate with TSA like this over and over. You
know what I'm saying, I'm not. That's not that's not uh,
that's not what I want for me. That's not what
I see for myself. And so I just need to
know if if there's something I can do about my penis.
Do I need to wrap it? Do I need to
bind it? Do I need to You know, I was
gonna say chop it off, but that seems too extreme.
(02:44):
Not that I'm not gonna do that, but like what,
like do I need to say ahead of time, Hey,
big dick, it's gonna buzz off. Could you imagine just
like putting my stuff on the convey like, hey, big dick, hare,
it's gonna the machine's gonna go off tender tender. I
don't know, but if you have any thoughts on why
this happens, please let me know. If you are a
(03:05):
TSA agent, or you work with those machines, if you
invented those machines, I don't know. I don't know who listens.
Maybe you can give us a little more insight as
to why my dick keeps setting off the alarms. Well,
by the way, welcome to the show. This is called
telling me something messy. I'm your host, Brandon Cayle Goodman.
Some people call me messy mother, but you could call
me okay. Well, I mean there are options here. You
(03:28):
can call me tsass, you can call me pet down pro,
you call me you call me pet down, pussy pro,
My god, start the show. Start the show. You know
what that sound means. That sound means that there is
a foosball. If you're new here, foosball is our safe word.
(03:49):
So if like, something happens on the show and you're like,
oh that unintentionally offended or what is that? Or what foosball?
So let's talk about it. A couple weeks ago over
the holiday, I doe what episode was that? It was
the Christmas episode? Yes, because the episode my Messy Story
or my messy rant was about uh winter penis. If
(04:12):
you recall, and somebody messaged online, they didn't call it
a foosball moment. My assumption is they were a first
time listener and they just took issue with what they
felt I was making fun of performance anxiety and a
rectal dysfunction and bragging about having a big dick what
they said, So it made me want to just step
(04:33):
this out for a moment. One When it comes to
the winter penis messy story, I was not making fun
of performance anxiety or a rectile dysfunction. There are things
I've experienced and I've written about. I was making fun
of something called winter penis and the concept of a
penis receding into your your body by fifty percent because
it's wintertime. Turn a thermostat, baby, we call me good. Okay.
(04:56):
I was comparing it to blue balls, but which you know,
blue walls. My husband says it's real, but I think
it's a myth. Anyways, So that was my take on
winter penis, that said in general, and I maybe I'm
just over explaining, but we are, you know, I know
there are new listeners coming in and you might be
new to me completely, and so I just want to
(05:17):
make sure that I am setting up the guardrails of
this space that we're building together, our community, which is
when I do the messy stories and the messy rants.
A lot of times they are of course based off
of true events, but this is a comedy podcast and
I'm gonna make some jokes. I'm gonna be laughing, never
at the expense of anyone, never at making fun of
anyone unless it's myself. So when I talk about specifically
(05:40):
having a big dick, girl, what's a big dick? Define
a big dick? Define the length of a big dick,
which is a different episode for the podcast, Like I'm
fucking around with y'all. Okay, So I hope y'all all
be thinking that I'm here bragging about having a big dick.
I'm not. I don't my dick. This happened with me
(06:04):
on a grinder. People will ask what how big are you?
And people are very obsessed with the size, and I
will tell y'all what I tell them, I don't know.
I have not measured my penis since I was a teenager.
When my dick gets hard, my first instinct is not, huh,
I should measure this, And if that's yours, you know,
(06:26):
go off. I love you, you know, know your body
like that. But that is just not my instinct. And
I think that there's there are conversations to have which
we won't have in this episode about bde as we
would call it big dick energy or what is a
big dick, and what are we qualifying as a big dick,
and why is that important? All that stuff. We're not
doing that today though, But I just want to say,
(06:48):
because I know the messy story I just told was
me talking about big dick. We're made the jokes here.
It's a joking joke. Okay, I'm not saying my dick
is small, but I don't know if my dick is big.
My dick is dick. And I love her down. Whatever
she is, however she is qualified, I love her down. Okay,
(07:08):
Now let's get the show started. Okay, baby, you know
what that means. It is time for a guest. Now,
while they get situated, we'll get our MESSI Kiki started
with a ho manifesto. Repeat after me aloud or in
your head. Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame,
the courage to heal, the wisdom to that sex is
not just about penetration, The audacity to advocate for my
(07:29):
pleasure and boundaries. The strength to not call my ex
that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck bay, for it
is better to masturbate by myself in peace than to
let someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the community
say Oh helujah. I am so excited to have Karamo
on the show. The Emmy nominated hosts and culture expert
(07:51):
on Netflix's international hit series Queer Eye, Karamo is a
sympathetic talk therapist wrapped inside a life coach and zipped
into a fast fashion bomber jacket. According to The New Yorker,
Karamo draws from his work in social services to show
how he both discovered and learned to explore his many
different identities, whether as a black man, openly gay man,
(08:13):
a son of immigrant parents, a Christian, or a single father.
Karama strategically utilizes the strength of his numerous identities to
achieve success and teaches others to do the same. Y'all
please help me. Welcome Karama, Hi, Garama, how are you.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
I'm really great.
Speaker 3 (08:32):
I'm so happy you're here. This happen. Thank you, gorgeous?
Thank you. Okay, before we get into the messy ki ki,
we have some messy mandates, all right, Okay, here we go.
Things get to be on process. Any thoughts or opinion
shared have the right to shift, evolve or change today, tomorrow,
ten years from now. And if during the kiki something
feels too personal or unintentionally offense. We use the safe
(08:53):
word foosball, which gives us a moment to pivot or
address accordingly. Okay, sound good. Let's start with the loue breaker.
Okay again, it's perfect, all right, smash or pass? You
know how this goes.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yes, let's say something.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
You tell me if you smash your pass it? Okay,
smash or past? Camping pass great wine?
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Because I hate the outdoors.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Yeah, what are the outdoors? I also do not like
the outdoors because I'm black. There's ancestors that are whispering
in my ears. Yes, no, no, we're not doing this ship. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
People love to camp for days at a time. My
husband can do it for three days max. But then afterwards,
the showering of it all, he really can't.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
And your husband is Caucasian, and that is why, that
is why, that is.
Speaker 3 (09:39):
That is absolutely correact and I never go camping. I'm
not doing smash your past being verbal and during sex
in the bedroom, like, do you like quiet?
Speaker 2 (09:49):
Do you smash?
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (09:50):
I'm not verbal, but I love someone verbal.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
You love someone verbal? So you like when they talk?
You like when they moan?
Speaker 2 (09:55):
All of them scream, moan.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Tell me what you like what I do was I
love to I like to whisper in ears and say like,
this is fucking mine, Like, tell me this moment, this
belongs to me.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Whisper.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
I do a lot of that that's verbal as yeah,
but like I'm a whisper. Whisper and sex yeah, but
I like I like them to be like as loud
as possible.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
I love that. I was at a sexpert the other
day and there was a moment where I forgot myself
and I was like, wow, I'm a squeaking murder. It's
a lower my voice. I'm a smash on spit play yes, yes,
smash sorry yea. Also you can also smash if it's
like a smash mast.
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah, it's a smash. It's a smash.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Yeah, it's because I'd love to like do a slight
little in someone else's mouth. Yes, but if you spit
on me again again their ancestors. Yes, okay, I got
whisper in my ears, like you just said what happened.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Yes, okay, I'm with you. I like spit a but
if you spit on me, I have to like remind
myself that we're not about to fight, because initially I'm
like and oh wait, no, no, no, we're having a
little Yes. So it's a smass smash or pass fingering
smash smash. Do you like to finger or be fingered
(11:20):
or both?
Speaker 1 (11:21):
I like to only finger. Yes, Yes, I'm very rare
when things are near my booty hoole.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
That's love. It's love. When it's love, it's only love.
I can't say the same uh often. But fingering is
I have like a I have a smass relationship. I
feel like if somebody can do it and knows how
to do it, it's great. But I think that some people,
(11:47):
like the finger and the dick do not feel the same,
and people try to work it the same way and
it's like no, no, no, Like the finger needs to
be gentler. And I also don't always want to inside
like play with the whole. Yes, yeah, you're a little sneaking,
but you can't. I'm not.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Yes, it's it's actually one of the ways that I
learned to be a better top was learning how to
finger first, Oh, tell me about it, eating ass and
learning how to top and being patient and also understanding
what your partner needs.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
Also allows you to be more in tuned with their feelings.
They're what they're what they're going to enjoy them out of.
And someone who's not a good top is going to
treat an asshole with a finger the same way they
would treat it with their penis.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
So it's like like you just said, like sometimes it's
not about jamming it in, it's sometimes about like how
am I massaging it?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (12:34):
I'm playing with the hole in the process at the
same time with my thumb, Like are we going a
little bit?
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Do we need to make it a little bit wetter?
Do we need to eat it a little bit? Do
we need to do these things?
Speaker 4 (12:42):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (12:42):
How did you learn to become a better top? Like
who taught you? Or did you go searching? Or did
somebody to the bottom was like.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
A really good bottom, a really good, really good bottom. Yeah,
I'm gonna call him Jay. Yeah please and Jay still
he's married with a beautiful kid now. And Jay really
was like, I'm ten years older than you and I'm
to sell your little fucking twenty three year ass Ye
pay attention, girl, Yes.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Now I need you to ask me what is this?
Do you need to And thenes he.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Said no, girls ask her, yes, she wants that to
And I'm like Okay, Oh I love Jay.
Speaker 3 (13:16):
Yeah, everyone needs a Jay. I feel like everyone needs,
especially queer folks because you know, I feel like straight
sexes is no straight men also need I think the
ladies listening here like, yes, please get them. I'll be
the Jay. But like, yeah, I think we all need
because it's wild, like we're kind of tossed into sex
(13:39):
and expected to know how to do it based off
of what we saw on a TV show or we
saw on porn, but that there's no there's such a
fear of asking. There's such a fear of admitting that
you don't know what to do. We're asking how to be,
how to do it well. So to have a Jay
who doesn't dismiss you but goes let me actually work
you through this is so loving and liberty.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
One of my favorite things that I try to remind
people now is like especially when like, if you really
want to make sure that your sex life is good,
I'm I love a pause in the middle where we start,
get up, get up from the space you're fucking stand, kiss, embrace,
and then within that say.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Did you like that?
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
What do you want more of? What do you not?
You know? And like it's it can be very sexy.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
It's not because people think like to ask is to
take away the mood, right, but actually a pause with
an embrace and kissing in the middle and being like
did you like?
Speaker 3 (14:33):
What do you like?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
Is like you're you're making sure that we're all aligned,
the intimacy is there, and then you're now paying attention
to their needs. I love, And that's my favorite fucking
thing to do.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
That is such a great recommendation, and I appreciate like
stepping that out like a check in, check in during
the sex, but then like a really big step out of.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
The step out, step out, and we're not laying not
like it's.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Like we're taking a moment. We're taking a moment.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
We're going to breathe, We're gonna embrace, like what did
you like?
Speaker 3 (15:00):
You know what I think is people are white people
don't do that as because I also I often feel
like people are going once we penetrator and this is it,
and I'm like, sex is like it's a journey, journey, journey.
I just went on a roller coaster yesterday, so I'm
going to describe it as a roller coaster, which is
that like they are ups and downs, there are loops.
There's moments that it's super fast moments, but like having those,
(15:23):
like understanding that sex should be a journey and not
just like one linear linear path. I agree.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
I'm so glad that we have you, and then you
have this podcast me too, and that you are like
on a national platform talking about these things. Yeah, and
I just got to give you some flowers. I mean, seriously,
I got. I mean, I've always loved your career and
I always supported you, But when I saw you the
other day, I watch What Happens Live and you talking
so freely and openly and confidently about you your relationships,
(15:50):
I literally got emotional because as black men, as black
queer men, yeah, we don't have those examples. We do
not have enough of those examples. And this is not
to discredate anyboy online, it's not. But I feel like
more straight black women have those Black women have those,
but I don't feel like queer black men have what
you are providing us.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
Yeah, there's the queers and the black queers. There's not
a space necessarily for us all to go to to
go to watering holes like.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
You are it.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
And I'm getting full and I'm enjoying every moment of it.
And I've just said to give your flowers?
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Can I give your flowers back? Though? Because you have
supported me from the very beginning and seeing you is
also given me courage. Do you know what I'm saying?
Like seeing somebody that looks like me out there, who
is openly queer living their fabulous life like that is
he Let mean, that's not something I grew up with,
even like you know the Coromo show right now, Like
that wasn't to see a black queer with their own
(16:44):
daytime show. That wasn't a thing. That wasn't even like
it was so radical to conceive of that. And so
giving you your flowers as.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Well, I can't wait, and well I can't wait, but
I can't wait for two hundred years from now when
there's two of us here, They're gonna be calling on
the ancest and we're gonna be standing over.
Speaker 3 (17:01):
To get it, baby, get it. We are so proud, Okay,
get it.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, we're proud of y'all. Keep achieving, keep sucking.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Absolutely we will be there, will be absolutely. Absolutely. You
won the game by the way you did the smash
your paths. You want to you win. My unconditional love
if y'all have any prompts or ideas for loop breakers,
email tell me something messy at gmail dot com. Speaking
(17:33):
of which, Chroma, can you tell me something messy?
Speaker 1 (17:36):
What I am is an open book, and what I
am now is I want to be more of an
open book about all parts of me. Is because there's
been a very as a as a queer man, as
a gay black man, there has been a place where
like I had to be sort of squeaky a sort
of way because of the show I was on, and
(17:56):
we were looked at as like these five gays who
can never do anything in the representative Yeah, and I
do not want to be like I want to be
me and live my career and so and you and
I didn't know each other very personally.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
She's a hoe.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
I'm we're both.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
I claim it and I love it.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I love my body and I love I love consensual
sex and respect and like nastiness at all. And sometimes
there's not a space for I'm a professional, but also
I'm a sexual being.
Speaker 3 (18:31):
And then we'll do it. So pretty friends, these are
your submissions, and remember everything gets to remain anonymous. Okay,
this one says recently discovered I like getting my pussy
juice spit in my mouth?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
What do you think of?
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Well, so like we don't have necessarily pussy juice or
I guess do you like complays?
Speaker 2 (18:47):
So I had a girlfriend is speaking of oh back
in the way, who like this? She loved it. She
loved for me to eat her out and then go
back in her mouth. She's probably the catalyst for me
never going back to girls ever.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
By the way, because you're like, there, listen, and this
is no vagina shaming.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
I'm not one of those girls.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
The vagina is gorgeous's beautiful, love it powerful. She's just
not for me, absolutely, and when she is leaking at
her best, she's definitely not.
Speaker 3 (19:17):
You're like, I can't do that.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
She's definitely like for me. I've never been a friend
of a great food. I've never I've never like, give
me something that like squirts.
Speaker 3 (19:25):
In my mouth and yeah I want to ice cream?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Want But she liked when I would like. It started
off where that was eighteen.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
You would eat her out and then she would say
kiss me, and then it got to more like playing
with her clitorists.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
She came and then she'd be like, put.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
In my mouth, Oh what for some for some, hey,
for some, for I feel like I mean, I do
love swallowing. I'm a you know, I'm an overachiever in
that way, but I've never like put come in my
mouth and then like spirit or let them or come
in somebody's mouth and let them put in my mouth.
I'll try it, and then I'll let you know, because
(20:08):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Maybe dependent on how much the person orgasms.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Sure like if they're a big coming, yeah, I famously
understand it. I have smaller loads. Famously. There are times
where it's a big load, but usually i'd be getting
sucked for a long time. Yes, but if it's just
like a masturbation, it's because I'm a dribbler, like down there,
look at me, knowing sports. But I'm gonna try this.
(20:40):
My boyfriend does couple lot, so I don't know I
can do it with him, but yes, I'm gonna try this.
Hour report back. Okay, this one says, my boyfriend's office
door locks you in. We fucked while the kids were
in the room on their phones. The five year old
tried to save us and picked the lock. Now I'm
always thinking about because the holidays were coming, like having
like parents having sex with the kids. You have two kids, Yes,
(21:01):
you're navigated sex with kids in the house.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Yes, How do you do it about especially once they
start getting to like twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, Yeah,
and they could fully be aware its kids ruined sex.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Do you have to have a conversation about it?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Do you? Like, how do you win kids?
Speaker 3 (21:19):
Well, like yeah, like if you're like, okay, you're a
ven age having sex me and no, no.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I mean like maybe you should be able to have
a conversation, but like I still and I know how
to talk about relationships. I know, have a conversation with
kids about them being safe with their sex. It's been
about exploring, but like there's always this boundary of like
I'm your dad, I can't tell you what I'm doing,
Thus you can't hear what I'm.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Doing, and you can't you can't know.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
You can't I don't do anything any single thing. And
so it's so like like when I was in when
we were I was in this ten year relationship, and
when the kids were in the house, it was like no,
no sex, or we.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Have to go in the bathroom. The bathroom door that
was in the bedroom already, So.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
There was like a double double.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Usually the shower would be on or we'd have to
wait till they were sleep, and it was always silent,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
We just talked about like yeah, yeah, And so I
feel for them. They are always gonna want to be
They want to know what's.
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Hayah, I have the clothes I have? Is the dog?
The dog really wants to be?
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Oh my god, I'm like, you have to.
Speaker 3 (22:29):
I'm okay with people like to have sex with the
animals in the room. God bless you. That is not me.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
I don't mean either when you turn right, Oh my gosh,
we wanted to.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Not doing talk in the living room, will be in
the bedroom. Yea, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
I wish I wish parents the best of luck. Though
that I wish them the best.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
I wish you have. You have to negotiate it.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
It's like real conversation about how we're gonna do that. Yeah,
but you know that's probably also like what I like
straight couples, they end up having sexless marriages because they
get into a pattern where it's like it's about the kids. Yes,
we can't have intimacy unto their sleep. And then now
we've just lost learning how to have connection.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
Yes, we talked about that. I interview Danielle Schneider and
we were talking just about like motherhood and how that
shifts when you have a kid and now your attention
becomes about the kid. How that can kind of play
with your sex drive and like having to learn a
new way of connecting. Yes, actually yeah, because you're like
there's a new child or several children, and that's gonna
it's not gonna be as easy as it was.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
But I also think with gay men and I can
speak from that. For me, I think like seeing as
how and not allah, there is the way our parties,
you know, like a circuit party or like even like
a festival or a pride can like sometime you know,
allow you know, more open sexual environments, like navigating that
when you have kids as well, like you know what
(23:49):
I mean, because like we know that a friend can
also be a.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
Could be a friend. Kids, kids pick up on certain
yeah energy.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
And so having those those conversations were also like how
did you do that?
Speaker 3 (24:02):
Did were you able to do that? Are you still
forget that? No?
Speaker 2 (24:08):
At somebody? What's the email address?
Speaker 4 (24:09):
At?
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Message?
Speaker 1 (24:09):
Tell me something amail dot com? Can y'all tell us
gay parents out of the trenches now?
Speaker 3 (24:15):
But the ones that are in there, how y'all doing that,
How y'all doing how y'all navigating the circuit parties and
the full.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
And they're coming home with the kids.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Because have you ever seen that little bor on social
media where he like mimics his two gay his parents
are bears, and oh yes, I like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I love them. Like he's going to pick up on
something soon.
Speaker 3 (24:36):
They're not intentionally trying to put that phone down, so
that's see. Okay. This one says, I went to my
first Sniffy's orgy on Saturday, a success, which sniffy is,
by the way, for you who don't know, it's an app,
it's it's an app as far as I understand, that's
just on a desktop. And I would say, as my understanding,
(24:57):
Sniffy's they nasty and grinder. They in the parks.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
So you know why it can't be because like, you
can't confirm my identity. So that's why they can't. They
don't reach those guidelines because.
Speaker 3 (25:10):
Anonymous, and that's part of the I like to know
who I like.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I don't want to be on it.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
I don't want to.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
I'm not showing up to see who is the person.
I like the surprise, you know. I used to love
like when the door opens. That's not how I like
to do my No, no, that's my TV shows. Do
you remember your first orgy?
Speaker 2 (25:32):
Mine?
Speaker 3 (25:33):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Yeah, what was it?
Speaker 3 (25:35):
What was your experience in your first orgy?
Speaker 1 (25:37):
It was overwhelming because everyone I talked about it like
there was a strong period of my life where like
I was heavy on like drugs and whatever. But at
this point for my first urgy, I was sober, and
so it was overwhelming because there was nothing but a
lot of high bottoms that all were like you know,
(25:57):
everyone else who could have been a top was unable
to perform because we were too high.
Speaker 4 (26:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
So it was like a lot of pressure of life.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
It was you and your day.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
It was like I'm like, girl, I go, let's go.
But then it was like, okay, I don't. It's like
I'm not connecting anymore. Yeah, and for me, I need connection.
I need a bit of connection.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
I'm with you just a little bit, even though you're
just like do you like that song? I like that
song too, Yeah, let's follow it.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
You need a little bit of connection.
Speaker 3 (26:23):
So a little bit. Yes, you know, let me define
orgy because I was thinking about, like, what is the
difference between an orgy and a sex party, which they
have crossover, but they're I think slightly different. Do you
know the difference I would think would you describe it?
I would think that.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
Sex party is more a lot more strangers and also
usually is coming after a club or there could be
more drugs involved, where orgy is more we're aware of
the people that are coming and that you know, like
this is specifically for us to have a certain type
of enjoyment and there's.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Less drugs involved. Yes, is what I would assume that
would So this.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Is this is I googled it and it said an
orgy is This one says a sex party where guests
freely engage and open and unrestrained sexual activity of group sex.
This other one says a wild party, especially one involving
excessive drinking and unrestrained sexual activity. I'm kind of more
with you. Where I think an orgy, I would describe
it as group sex, which you know, like is like
(27:21):
five or more, uh, And I would say that like
we're all in the same room. Ye.
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Sex party is like the girls.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
And there's like maybe perhaps I don't know if it's
I would say, like a sex party. Sometimes he has
a little more structure because you're like, I feel like
I get invited to a sex party and somebody's like,
on Friday night, we're doing this. Yeah, there will be lub.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Well, I feel like orgy is more structured. Okay, is
girls after people are coming, yes, in my opinion, but
the sex party is also.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
But I guess the clear different delineation is that a
sex party would be y'all were just in this space
wherever you are.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Orgy we're all coming all together together. Were more it's
more concise.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
Yeah, that's what I mean. That's what I think.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
But expert, whatever you do.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
It is what was my first orgy? So my very
first orgy, by this description, would have been in college,
eight of us that were freshmen, several of us, several
men and women, and I don't remember, I like didn't
know what was happened. It was like my first six
(28:31):
you know you've seen it important. I can't remember if
we got naked, like all in the bed, touching and
stroke and kissing. But then what was my first real
I guess that was a real orgy, but like as
an adult, am I have been a dark room more so,
which I guess that's an orgy more than a sex
party because we're all in one space.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
It's surprising that you like dark rooms when you don't
like a Sniffy's so okay.
Speaker 3 (28:55):
So I've learned this about myself. Okay, So I like
a dark room if I feel emotionally connected outside of
the dark room. So if my relationships and my like
roster is doing well outside, then I can do whatever
in the dark But if my roster or my sex
is not doing well outside, then there becomes too much
(29:17):
pressure in the dark room. Got it? Does that make sense?
I'm if my cup is full and then I can
move in there, because I think in the dark room
you gotta have like your confidence, You got to have
like a You got to just be able to go
with the flow of what's happening. And if my ship
is not correct outside, I'm two in my head.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
See, I've never enjoyed it dark You've never enjoyed a
dark room.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
There's a connection.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
There's a small piece of me that's demisexual.
Speaker 3 (29:39):
Oh and let me can I let me just define demisexual? Uh,
which is a sexual orientation, where a person only experiences
sexual attraction after forming a close emotional connection with someone.
I need you want to know who they are.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
I need to know who you are. I mean, sex
is beautiful. I love it. I love it when it's
free and everyone is enjoying it.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Yes, but like I also like, so I'm I'm one
of these girls that if we have sex, like and
it's random, like I still want to like.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Follow you on Instagram.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Yeah, Like most people could go to my followers list
and be like, oh okay, because girl, Like if a
random person had picked up, it's because I'm not as
gonna be like, oh girl, I'm like.
Speaker 3 (30:16):
That's gonna I hate why people don't like to say
hello at the gym after her. It's like, babe, I
was inside you, like hello, Hello, how are you? How
are you? People really get like in their head like yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
But no, And so I think that for me is
why the experience of like dark rooms those places aren't
as exciting. Yes, because it's like, well, like what you
just said, if you're a build up on the outside,
it's sexy now it can follow through for me. Unfortunately,
Like even if the build up is sexy outside I
don't want to go on there because again I can't see.
Speaker 3 (30:51):
I can't see, and it's true, I do love. I
do love to dance with somebody. I'm so my friends
make fun of me because I feel like I get
a boyfriend at a party, like a dance for a boyfriend,
so like where my friends will bounce around from guy
to guy. I've seen it, You've seen me like with one.
I love it. I'm like I'm in my loan and
(31:12):
my one night relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
You are giving what I else I love about you
is you dance and you give us a sexy, beautiful show.
You're like you're like it's like very like the way
I can describe you in a club if you don't
mind you please is Janet jackson if video.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
Wow, this is pray you like but like just but
like also sexy, but it's like I'm gonna hit that
but all eyes on you.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
I love.
Speaker 3 (31:46):
I love a dance for I love owning my power
and I love I love you. That's my like ursula moment.
I feel like I lure the boys you do.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
That's that's why the only only thought I could have
was Janet Jackson If. Because it's like I'm here looking
at me and like everyone is watching.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
I'm okay with that. I know it took a little bit,
but I love it. My dance for boyfriend Ye. And
then I go in out the dark room with them, Yes,
and I find that to be the sexiest. Okay. This
one says there's a girl who's really into me and
I like her, but I think I'm afraid of intimacy. Help.
So I thought we could talk about intimacy because we
were talking about emotional connection this time. Yeah, I'll define
(32:25):
intimacy first, and then we can get into how one
does it. I guess Okay. This says intimacy close familiarity
or friendship, closeness or a private, cozy atmosphere can be
an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse, an intimate remark, closeness
of observation or knowledge of a subject. I think it's
interesting that intimacy often gets called sexual act, but I
(32:48):
don't think that every sexual act is intimate.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
It's not not. Yeah, intimacy is.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
It's literally what I just said about earlier, about the
taking a moment outside of the space yes and standing Yeah,
I'm embracing you and figuring out what you need yes,
that's intimacy.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
That's to me is when real intimacy happens.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
I agree, what is your desires? What do you want?
Speaker 2 (33:09):
Who are you?
Speaker 3 (33:10):
Who are you? It's a desire to know someone, which
I find and I've learned this over time. But it
can be difficult for people to want to have that
intimacy with a stranger or with someone they're new with.
And I think that that's exactly when you should be
trying to agree, Tomcy. But I think that because people
are so afraid and think that they have to go deep. Yeah,
you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
It's like we have to get married now, we have
to get an intimate Yes, Like intimacy is just like
I'm just curious to have a little bit more of
a connection.
Speaker 3 (33:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
I think that we're losing a bit of that curiosity,
you know what I mean of like who are you?
Speaker 3 (33:41):
Yeah? What are you about? And what do you like?
Speaker 1 (33:43):
And like I don't have to then all of a
sudden say I want more sure because I want to
be a little bit more intimate with you. And I
think people need to reframe that in their minds that
intimacy doesn't mean long term connection. Intimacy can mean, I
just want to know a bit about you for this moment, Yes,
so that we can have a better connection.
Speaker 3 (34:03):
I love that. I think that you're saying that, and
that makes me think that the fear around intimacy is
that you're losing something. Yeah, right, Like my fear to
give this intimacy is that I feel like I'm going
to lose something or that I'm going to be seen
and rejected, which sorry, I'm processing real time. Which then
I would be curious if you are intimate with yourself.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Oh yeah, Well, the journey always tells with ourselves. I mean,
and when this goes into emotional sexual how well do
you know yourself?
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Like, Yeah, I know my body. I know the parts
that I like.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
I know the parts that make me feel uncomfortable, and
I'm falling in love with the parts that make me
feel uncom I know what's going to make me orgasm.
I know what is going to make me feel giddy,
and it's you know, childlike in this instance of like
when we're playful and yeah, for sure, And it's because
I'm intimate with myself. I have the hard conversation with myself.
I get close with myself and a lot of people
(34:55):
don't do that.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (34:57):
You know how I learned to be intimate with myself.
Nothing about it was learning how to douche because there's
something about that's like you have to learn your body,
like you have to know when you can do it.
How how long is.
Speaker 2 (35:12):
But like for me, I've never done in my life.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
Oh my goodness, I want you to do it, just
to do it, I cannot. I can't. Okay, you might listen,
life is long. You might at one point be like,
I'm gonna learn how to do Why not said.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
The girls that I said that that in my life,
I've said, you know what, I bought them for you
for I'm paying attention. Girl, that better not be more
than a certain size.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Girl. That means you, I'm very specific girl, Like was it's.
Speaker 3 (35:39):
The height limit?
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Let me mention very small.
Speaker 3 (35:52):
I feel like douching really because the process of learning
how to do it and like learning my like learning
my gut health was required me to be really in
touch with my body. And so that I think started
or helped to contribute to a journey of like being
into with myself. And I do think that the fear
because this person let me read you exactly what they said.
(36:13):
They said, I'm afraid of intimacy, and I think that
that's another way of saying I'm afraid of myself. Because
if you don't know, if you don't know what's going
on here, then of course it feels like you're going
to lose something when you're Whereas for me, because I
feel like I know what this, what my body is
and my emotions are, I don't feel like I'm losing
anything intimate with somebody, even if it's for a moment,
(36:35):
I feel like I'm expanding into something.
Speaker 1 (36:37):
I agree that's what you are with it. Yeah, right,
if I can tell you, if I can. Hearing you
say that, it reminded me that I think the first
time that I realized that I was intimate with myself
is through Jagon, who told me to match the right
in front of them ah and directed me. And this
is young twenty two year old me twenty three. Yeah,
that said he was like, touch yourself, m because I
(37:00):
most men when they're having when they're watching porn, it
is about me playing only with my penis.
Speaker 3 (37:06):
Yes, that's it.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
I'm going to here, I'm playing with this and then
maybe nipples. That's it, yes, but how many of us
have ever caressed ourselves while we're doing it, enjoying ourselves,
maybe choked yourself a little, did anything to yourself to
make yourself feel more connected with your own body in
this act. And then secondly, when he told me to
do that, it was like it was changing for me
because I had never caressed my own self. And then
(37:29):
afterwards the porn that I was watching, he said, so,
why do you think you enjoyed that? And it was
the first time someone ever asked me versus just being like,
oh because it was hot, ask me, what was the intensionality?
What was my connection to that? What does that else
wo say about where I'm at mentally, physically, emotionally. And
it sounds so wild, but I would encourage everyone to
(37:52):
do it once for once in your life, when you're
about to have an intimate moment with yourself, touch yourself,
embrace yourself, feel yourself up as you're also masturbating, and
then when you're done, take a second before you like
get up and start your day. And while you had that,
post that clarity and say, what was it about that
that I enjoyed and why?
Speaker 3 (38:11):
And where am I? Like?
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Why was this group sex or this this fist thing
play or whatever it is. Why was that?
Speaker 3 (38:21):
Yeah? And it's not with judgment, right, It's a curiosity.
Speaker 1 (38:23):
With yourself about yourself. It's not a group thing because
that is now intimacy. And the more you can get
comfortable in that this person here, you will then find yourself.
When someone says I want to know more about your body,
You're like explore, yes, And when they say what are
you into, You're like, I know what I'm I know,
And these intimacy questions are going to be so intimidating. Again,
going to your point, it's about expanding because now I
(38:45):
can let you in because I'm fully aware of who
I am.
Speaker 3 (38:48):
Yes, And also like if you don't know, I think
that's also intimacy. It's like, oh, I actually don't know
in this and I want to explore. I want to
expe you are.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
But even that being most people are not afraid to
say that. Yeah, but that starts with again, like that
that just taking a moment with yourself. Everything starts at home. Yeah,
everything starts with you.
Speaker 3 (39:06):
I would also suggest, and this is what I've been
working on, especially suggested for men or male body and
anyone's like kind of raising that indoctrinated with that is
I'm working on being more intimate with my male friends,
which is not sexual.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
Yeah, but like you know, I was with my best.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
Friend the other day. I was just holding his hand,
not sexual. It's like I'm here, like, just what are
those things that we're taught don't do because that's not
manly or that's whatever. How can I like let me
run my hand through my best friends? Like it's not sexual,
but it's intimate.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
So my publicist is here yea.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
And literally when I pulled up the first thing, I
rolled down the window and said, you are stunning and
there is there is no sexual between us. We have
never had anything like that, And but I make it
a priority. Yes, say intimate beautiful things. Yes, to make
sure he's aware. Yes, like you're one of the most
beautiful people.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
You deserve the like and he is.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Do we not have that like shared like respect of
like I agree with you, like in finding ways to hug, embrace,
hold a hand.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
Yes, with a male friend that doesn't turn into sex
is also gorgeous.
Speaker 3 (40:12):
I love that. Yeah, It's like you can work on
your intimacy with yourself and with your platonic relationships, and
I think that will bleed into the romantic or the
sexual relationships because we're like, what is the fact.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
That so thank you?
Speaker 3 (40:25):
Oh my gosh, al conversations.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
All generation this girl. You have no idea.
Speaker 3 (40:34):
We didn't have this girl. We didn't have it. We
did not have it. We did not have conversation we
need to be having.
Speaker 2 (40:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:42):
Yeah, So for this person, I would say, uh.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
One.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
I would also say you can say to that girl,
I'm afraid of intimacy. I think that's another thing that's
an intimate that's an intimate act. It's an intimate it's
to say to the person I'm afraid of intimacy. I
like you, I really enjoy this, but I'm afraid to.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
And people don't realize that, Yes, even saying the thing
that's hard is an intimate act.
Speaker 3 (41:05):
And when you say the hard thing to me, it
gives you all the information you need by the way
the person responds or reacts, and it's like, oh is
this If the person who responds in a way that
holds it, you're like, oh, this is somebody I can
continue pursuing.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
What listen?
Speaker 3 (41:19):
If they don't, then you're like, save you some time
save you to ye.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
Let me tell you what I learned very early on
is that an action can be closure for me. I
don't need to have forty conversations with you to get
my closure.
Speaker 3 (41:31):
Come on, that takes time for you.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
To understand that. Like your response in this moment gives
me the closure I need to know. This is never
gonna work.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
You can just leave people where they are. Where they are,
You can say I feel like there's these memes are
like just say lol, like the girls.
Speaker 2 (41:48):
Feel like I need to call you, I need conversation.
Your action just gave me the closure I had.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
Absolutely thank you. And even if you had that conversation,
the frustration you might come up against is that person
is what I always say, reacting versus responding. So when
somebody's reacting an attack, it has nothing to do with you.
It's the baggage that they've brought and it's being projected
onto you. So you're never gonna get the clear answer
that you want because it has nothing to do with
(42:14):
it nothing.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
So take that as your closure.
Speaker 3 (42:16):
Take the Actually, my angel, when somebody shows you they
are believe that your side, you did that fuck shit,
that's all that's.
Speaker 2 (42:23):
All I needed.
Speaker 1 (42:25):
I'm so quick on telling people thank you, thank you.
People are so confused when they do something that is negative. Yes,
say thank you people for the past decade. Yeah, because
they're like what, and I'm like, no, thank you, gratitude.
And then I'm like and then the scorpio pops in.
I'm like, bye, have a good day.
Speaker 3 (42:44):
When I go on a date and somebody's rude to
a waiter, it is a thank you moment for me.
Speaker 2 (42:48):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (42:48):
It's like, oh, you're our first date and you be
mean to people who are helping us.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I don't need to thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
You go there.
Speaker 3 (42:54):
You mean to me. Eventually, thank thank you, goodbye, goodbye.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 3 (42:58):
That's team. Let me ask you the last two questions
that we asked here, which is, have you ever had
sex and a porta potty? No?
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Girl, No, she is not doing it.
Speaker 3 (43:11):
I'm neither.
Speaker 2 (43:12):
But some people have Okay, hold on, talk to me
or have you Oh my gosh, oh realized this.
Speaker 3 (43:18):
Think about it.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
So I have house parties and I have portaties. Yes,
and they're fancy.
Speaker 3 (43:25):
They're fancy.
Speaker 1 (43:26):
They're fancy, they're not they're not the usual pour out
the construction, construction, they're facing music playing everything.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
Yeah, it's like a little bit of room. Very nice,
and so I have Okay, okay, I just oral or
in one of my to be honest, I might have
had something to do. Actually, see I did the first
time I getting over. I did have a little moment.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
About the lie.
Speaker 3 (43:57):
Yeah, I've been lying on this podcast. I had sex
and I did all right, here we go.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Girl.
Speaker 3 (44:09):
It's not festival and it doesn't stay. That's what's crazy.
It stays. Yeah, okay. The last question is what could
you learn to love more about yourself?
Speaker 2 (44:24):
What can I learn? That's a hard question because I'm
the self work I do daily.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
I bet, I mean, I really am constantly talking to myself,
having conversation with.
Speaker 3 (44:35):
Myself, Like what's the thing that you worked on the
most that you were like, oh this is this was
the thorn. Maybe you love your love you you love
it now, but it was originally a thorn.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
I wasn't patient with myself and and now I'm more
patient with myself and I love that I'm in that
journey right now, makes sense, makes perfect sense. Yeah, I
am also relationships wise, I am also in a space
where if we are not planning our partnership, then I
(45:07):
don't want it. It has to be both of us
planning our partnership. And when I say planning our partnership,
I mean are we both actively engage in how we're
going to be emotionally, partnership, healthy, financially everything. Because the
girls don't like to always talk about and you have
one person who's doing more than the other, and that
why don't they?
Speaker 3 (45:26):
That is so such tea because I have data people
where I'm like trying to have the emotional conversation and.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
They don't want to. They don't want to have that
such conversation. They're not They might want to talk one
part of how we're moving forward, but they don't want
to talk about the other day. Absolutely, And so if
you're not planning your partnership with me intentionally, then girl,
I don't need to be around you.
Speaker 3 (45:45):
I also think that you're saying partnership is so important,
and I try to specify that like I'm never looking
for a spouse or a boyfriend or this, I'm looking
for a partner. It's different, yes, like we're building something well,
the way you have a business partner, the way you
have a co host what it's like. That is the
partnership that I'm looking for building. You said, not just
trying to be like your passive husband, wife or boyfriend girlfriend,
(46:09):
but like, let's build, let's build. And that is a
different level of relationship or just like different approach to
relationship that requires you to be emotional, to be intimate,
to be vulnerable, to say what you want what you
don't want, to like, to have some tension that you
work through because I think if you're because you know,
a lot of us grew up, you know, all of
(46:30):
us grew up watching husband wife and in that dynamic,
the man is the this and the woman submits, and
we hate that version of things, but well, I think
we should all be striving for no matter what the
gender is. The partnership is the person that says, I
want to build with you. What you have to say
is a value here? What I have to say is
a value here? How do we and we're going to
find that?
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Yeah, emostly, mentally, physically, come on, sexually, come on, And I.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
Am all about that because I am tired of doing
the work in a partnership and another nigga is not.
Speaker 3 (47:03):
And you know what that is? That is uh, there's
a version of yourself that could hate that standard and
like fight against that and learning too, because I feel
like that's been me with just emotional connection, learning to
love that I enjoy emotional connection that I needed it,
you know. So it's like, oh, I need partnership. I
need this type of relationship and I don't. That's not
(47:23):
a bad thing because it's gays. You were like, I'm
supposed to just be able to put my dick out
and fuck and like it's like no, no, girl, Yeah,
I love that. Thank you for being here.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
I will come anytime you want.
Speaker 3 (47:35):
Literally, don't make my pussy clap before I leave, clip plat.
I love you so much, thank you for having me.
Of course you've already know we're hoes here, but hose
(48:01):
with heart. So before we get out of here, let
me speak to yours. I love that everyone should find
a jay that is t you need your fairy home mother.
And perhaps I am a fairy home mother for some
of you or for a lot of you, and I'm honored,
but yeah, I think that everyone needs to find a jay.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
You know.
Speaker 3 (48:23):
The I am team saying I don't know. I have learned,
and this is about sex is about anything. I have
learned that there is such power in saying I don't know,
you know, asking questions, being curious, but saying I do
not know, because baby, it's your first time doing life.
You don't need to know everything. You don't have to
(48:44):
know everything. It does not make you a better person
because you know everything. It does not make you a
smarter person or or dumb person because you don't everything.
Say I don't know, because that actually creates space for
some learning and growth and expansion is inside of your learning.
But also specifically with sex, finding somebody you can learn
with is everything. Finding a partner you can learn with,
(49:07):
or you know teachers. You know porn is poor, so
you know that's not my teacher. But like finding sex
educators or sexual influencers or people who sexual columnists, or
you know, even your own life, your friends, your partners,
and being able to talk to them openly more and more.
I hope that this show inspires you to just talk
more and more about your sex and to help you
(49:29):
find your Jay or maybe you are the Jay. And
if you are the Jay, baby, don't be like. If
you got the knowledge, don't be afraid to share, don't
be afraid to guide. You know, I think I think
we all want to learn how to have better, hotter,
more connected sex. Also, intimacy is not something to be
scared of, and it's not something to reserve just for
(49:49):
your sexual relationships. I think that intimacy is something that
can happen across any of your relationships, and I would
encourage you to practice intimacy with your friends, intimacy with yourself.
If you are afraid of intimacy, I would I would
re translate that into you might be afraid of yourself.
(50:10):
There's nothing to judge about that there's something wrong. Listen,
There's a lot we There's a lot that goes into
making up who we are, and it can be overwhelming,
especially when you are navigating stories of rejection, stories of
not feeling good enough, not being worthy, things that people
have put on you. But I always say, you know,
instead of coming out, I've been thinking about this journey,
(50:33):
whether it's you know, saying that I'm gay and non binary,
I'm a hoe as coming home to myself. You know,
there was a version of you that didn't give a
fuck what anybody thought. You were just a cute, little
bouncy baby doing your shit, and then people started to
tell you, Oh, you're to this, You're to that, You're
not enough of this, you should do this. You can't
do that, you know. I always say this question, who
would I be? A society never got its hands on me.
(50:55):
That is a great way to begin becoming intimate with yourself,
coming back home to who you really are, shedding all
of the weight that other people put on you. Don't
be afraid of intimacy. It will save your life. It
will also expand and evolve and transform your life. Also,
I wanted to give you an updated definition for orgy
(51:19):
versus sex party, and to do that, I reached out
to my friend and friend to our show, Zachary Zay
and you might have heard him on our show on
the episode Find Your Covens of Doms on November twenty
first see look at Me. I'm giving you all the details. Anyways,
Zach says, and orgy is when five or more people
all have sex together. While everyone doesn't need to fuck
(51:40):
everyone in the orgy, there should be some form of
interaction between orgy yours. I love that word. It can
be as simple as just acknowledging and looking at the
other people fucking in the room. There's some debate about
how many people there needs to be to be considered
an orgy. I said five, because three sims and foursomes
are real words, and fivesome is not. I love that,
(52:02):
and I actually agree. I think an orgy, you know,
because if it's three of y'all, it's a three, it's
a four y'all, it's a foursome. That makes sense to me.
That's like, you know, two couples, but five some that's
not real. That's an orgy. I agree, Zach, I agree? Okay.
Zach says a sex party is a designated event people
attend to presumably have sex, but you may partner off
(52:22):
alone in a room with a single person and not
have multi person sex at a sex party. Not to mention,
some people don't have sex at a sex party, so
an orgy is more of the act of multiperson fucking,
whereas a sex party is a space where sex can
happen and is celebrated. Thank you, Zach. Zach is also
now officially the Grinder sex and relationship expert. Yay, Zachy,
(52:48):
you know, I also really love the definition because the
one that I read during the episode talks about like
drugs and alcohol being part of it, and joins and
alcohol absolutely do not need to be part of a
sex party or an orgy. To me, saying that just
reveals how much anything around sex is so villainized in
(53:12):
our puritanical culture that an orgy or a sex party,
which can actually be beautiful, healing, transformative experiences, gets you know,
the definition that is floating around that most people are
probably gonna find online will include drugs and alcohol, which
is something wrong with drugs and alcohol, But there is,
of course a puritanical judgment. You can hear it, you know,
(53:33):
you know, you know what I'm talking about. There's a tone,
there is a tone to the definition that says people
gotta be fucked up.
Speaker 2 (53:41):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (53:42):
There's a tone to that, and so I want to
So I really like Zach's definition, and that's what we
will be using here on the show. Okay, Well that's it.
I love you so much. Let's do some homekeeping. You
can find Karama on Instagram at Karamo k r Amo.
You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon
(54:02):
Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me
Something Messy, and you can join our community on the
Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,
recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also,
I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,
your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell
(54:25):
Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also
call us at six six nine sixty nine messy That
is six six nine six nine six three seven seven nine.
Rate review and share this podcast with all your hoe
and aspiring hoe friends. Really really helps the show out,
all right. Until next time, ask about the politics of
(54:46):
that dick before you make it spit, make sure they
eat the kitty before they beat the kitty, before fucation
or succation. Communication. And in case you haven't heard it yet,
today you are so deeply loved. I love you, ye,
thank you so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy.
If you all enjoyed the show, send me episode to
(55:07):
someone else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy
was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and Yours Truly.
Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network. Visit the iHeartRadio app,
or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.
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