I Really Thought I Had Healed From This w/ Johnny Sibilly

LGBTQIA+ rights advocate, actor and producer Johnny Sibilly shares some deep fantasies during his Messy Story and a game of F*ck, Marry or Block. Plus, Messy Mail highlights the emphasis on growth and communication, which prompts Johnny and Brandon to break down what it means to love yourself.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Where sometimes I think we're in a space where we're
chasing the relationship to fill our cut.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
People can feel when you are putting on them this
sort of expectation or this yearning, this wanting for something
rather than you know, two people just being around each
other and be like you know I was, I told
my therapist, I was like, I don't know that I'll
ever have someone here that I don't want to leave,
like my house, Like I want people to leave my house.

Speaker 1 (00:26):
You know. You know what we do here destroy shame
around sex by talking about sex.

Speaker 3 (00:38):
Now let me tell you something messy.

Speaker 1 (00:40):
Hello, wait, okay, before we really get into the show show,
I wanted to say one, I'm just so grateful that
you're here and every week new people show up and
it just means the world to me that you are
vibing what we're doing here. And so I just need
your help because we want to continue to grow our community.
So if you can do me a favorite and rate

(01:02):
review and subscribe to the podcast, it really helps us
beat the motherfucking algorithm ogay and get the show to
more people.

Speaker 3 (01:11):
Get into their ears and your reviews.

Speaker 1 (01:13):
They don't have to be like a long essay you
could just write like, oh, I love the show, Brandon
is the best sexist fun whatever it is.

Speaker 3 (01:22):
But it really really does help.

Speaker 1 (01:23):
And I also, you know, y'all, y'all have been sending
me messages telling me that you've been sharing the pod
with your friends. Somebody said they shared the Caramo episode
one of their straight guy friends.

Speaker 3 (01:33):
And that's motherfucking right period.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
Okay, because they will try and make you think this
show is just for the queers and the ladies, but honey,
it's for everybody. And we know, we know some of
these straight men can use these conversations. Okay, then they
can stand to learn a little bit about the mess.
All right, so that really helps rate, review, subscribe, and
share this podcast with anyone you think good vibe. All right,

(01:57):
thank you so much for being here. All right, now,
let's really get into the show.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
Show.

Speaker 1 (02:01):
I have a gym crush, well, I have a new
gym crush. I mean I always have a Jim crush.
My roster y I have. I have a roster of
Jim crushes.

Speaker 3 (02:08):
It is ninety five.

Speaker 1 (02:10):
For some of the reason I go to the gym
is to see my crushes, to check up on them,
make sure they do it.

Speaker 3 (02:13):
Okay, make sure that our relationship is intact. You know
what I'm saying. But the last time I talked to
you all about a Jim crush was a while. I
don't know if I talked.

Speaker 1 (02:19):
About it on here, but definitely on Instagram, because it
was like this past summer where my Jim crush, who
we had been you know, together for a.

Speaker 3 (02:27):
Year, in my in my head, we've been together for
a year.

Speaker 1 (02:32):
And finally, because I famously don't talk to my Jim crushes,
I'm a punk guy.

Speaker 3 (02:36):
I'm I don't. I don't talk to them at all. Okay,
I just I just be. I just be creeping.

Speaker 1 (02:40):
I just be looking and seeing them, spotting them or
watching them. So he asked me to spot him in
and a bench press, and then afterwards he confidently said
thanks TJ. And I said, oh, my name is Brandon.
He was like brand He started to short circuit, his
face started to like like spiral, and he was just

(03:02):
He's like, yeah.

Speaker 3 (03:02):
No, my name is Brandy.

Speaker 1 (03:03):
He had swore that we met and that my name
was TJ. And so really ruined the fantasy.

Speaker 3 (03:08):
You know, up up to that.

Speaker 1 (03:10):
Point, we were madly in love, you know, our families
loved each other, our friends got along. We were planning
a trip to Paris to bench breast under the Eiffel Tower.
But when you call me another man's name, that is
just the fantasy was over. So I was in need
of some new gym crushes. But that's that's that's you know,
life hack. You always have a roster of drim crushes,
so when one of them disappoints you, you have a

(03:33):
whole other list to go back to. You know what
I'm saying, Because men will disappoint you.

Speaker 3 (03:36):
Honey, that's tea. Sorry.

Speaker 1 (03:45):
Anyways, So I have a new gym crush, and I'm
We've been together for maybe six or seven months now.
I saw him when he was taking a tour of
the gym, and he caught my eye because well, yes,
he's six shut up, shut up, shut up.

Speaker 3 (04:02):
You know how I feel. Listen, it's my toxic trade.

Speaker 1 (04:04):
And as I always say, when they're that tall, I
look up the blood rushes to my head and not
at goofy And this is no exception.

Speaker 3 (04:10):
He's six four.

Speaker 1 (04:11):
He gives very like East Village vibe, which is also
what I like because you know, I'm from New York.

Speaker 3 (04:15):
But I live in Los Angeles, and Los Angeles has.

Speaker 1 (04:18):
A particular breed of man here and it's fine. But
like I love a New Yorker because a New Yorker
really comes with the style, with the swag, especially if
they're in the village. So he has like an East
village alphabet city vibe, a dance survibe, but like modern dance.

Speaker 3 (04:35):
And you know what I mean, but that right, like
you know.

Speaker 1 (04:37):
The ballerinas of them all, they're a little more conservative, respectfully,
but y'all are whereas the modern dancers, you know, the
experimental downtown dance. You know what, like a vegan he
gets very vegan. And I also mean that fabulously respectfully. Right,
Like it's like he hit the funky pants and he
wears the beads around the wrists and you know, it

(04:58):
seems like he wears.

Speaker 3 (04:59):
Like natural deodorant.

Speaker 1 (05:01):
You know what I'm saying, you know, but you know
what I said it, and you know what I mean
when I say it, Okay, and you know I say
it with all the love in the world.

Speaker 3 (05:09):
He's fine as fuck.

Speaker 1 (05:11):
So we've been together for like I said, like seven
months or so, and I've never talked to him. Uh,
you know, I'll be on the squat machine, he'll be
bench pressing. I'll be on the treadmills, He'll be doing abs.
And you know what I will say about him, Well,
let's call him. What should you call him? We'll call
him mister Vegan. We're doing mister Vegan. He never looks
at me, to the point where I was like, are

(05:33):
you gay? But he's he's gay, but he never looks
at me, and it's part of the appeal.

Speaker 3 (05:38):
He don't pay me no mind.

Speaker 1 (05:39):
He treats me terribly, and I kind that's kind of
my kink because in my real life, you listen, in
my real life, I don't play that shit. Okay, you
gonna have to acknowledge all this good good or you're
not in my life. But in my fantasy, if you
ignore me, that's kind of hot. It's a little subdom situation,
a little disrespectful.

Speaker 3 (05:58):
I got to earn you. You know what I'm saying.
There's it's sick.

Speaker 1 (06:01):
It's sick, but that's why it's a fantasy, so it's safe.
So yeah, he never pays attention to me, never looks
at me. You know, you know, I'll look over because
that's what you do with your Jim crush. When you
see a Jim crush, you look at them, You're trying
to catch their eyes, and a lot of times you might.
But this particular gym crush, mister Vegan, he really play
a hard get.

Speaker 3 (06:20):
Mister Vegan.

Speaker 1 (06:21):
He ain't paying me no mine anyways. The other day,
was it yesterday or no? It was last week. Last
week we were in the locker room together. So I'm
in the as as you may or may not know, famously,
I have a whole skincare routine. And the people that
go in my locker room, the man you know, are
you lucky if they wash their ass? You know what
I'm saying. So I'm in the mirror doing my skincare

(06:43):
of chine. And the funny thing is like when I'm
I'm doing my like whole thing, I just see just
the droves of men who have taken a shower and
they've left, to have come in, who've worked out shower
and left, and I am still applying I cream. So
mister Vegan comes out of the comes back from the shower, uh,
and he's in his towel uh. And he walks by me.

(07:07):
And how do I say this? Mister Vegan smelled like
like which was like b oh like he like it
was it was be o the house down in a
way that was frightening because he wasn't even that close
to me, like there was like there was a couple
of feet between us when he walked by, but it
was just it was literally just me and him, and

(07:30):
so it was a me girl like, Listen, I smell
like amber and lavender, so and coconut oil and shade butter.

Speaker 3 (07:38):
I listen, I know how I smell.

Speaker 1 (07:41):
And he walked by me, which was introducing a new smell, okay,
and I caught it. I caught it, and my face
twitched up in a way I said, oh, Lord and mercy,
not not my man, not my man. And it was
strange to me because he also had just come back
from the shower. Now listen, there are you know, you

(08:04):
might have like medical conditions or things where it might
affect your boh. But the reason I know that that's
not the case for mister Vegan is because you know,
after he dropped his towel and proceeded to put on
his clothes, he put back on the clothes he had
worked out in. Yeah, yeah, I'm confused too. I don't

(08:24):
know you confused, So I'm confused too. There are some
of y'all who will work out and get sweaty. You'll
do your squats, you'll do your lifts, you'll do your pilates,
your yoga, You'll get sweaty and your cardio in them clothes,
and then you'll shower and then you'll put the same
sweaty ass clothes back on, which tells me that this

(08:45):
is a choice that mister Vegan. Mister Vegan, the bo
is is some kind of rebellion.

Speaker 3 (08:52):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (08:53):
It's some kind of statement of resistance, resistance, resisting aluminum.
I don't know, girl. I was hoping for at least
even like a natural deodoran. But my man didn't even
put on My man didn't even put nothing on. Like
like I said, I'm in the I'm in the mirror
doing my skincare so I could see what other people

(09:14):
are or not. And he literally took that towel off.
I think he went to the lotion pump that they provide,
and they provide the worst lotion.

Speaker 3 (09:21):
Can I have a sidebar here?

Speaker 1 (09:23):
You know, a gym don't have no black people working
on their beauty team if they provide lotion, like whether
it's you know, the big gyms or your little class gyms,
when they provide lotion and the lotion is trash, when
the lotion don't be rubbing in. Do you know what
I'm talking about? There are a couple of brands. I
won't name them, but they're the lotion is. It's just
wet it don't do nothing, and nobody says nothing. But

(09:46):
the black folk are like, what the fuck is this?
But the white folk are like, yeah, I don't know,
it's great. That's how you know they don't give a
about us. Anyways, they put he put on that wet,
slippery ass lotion.

Speaker 3 (09:56):
I bring my own lotion.

Speaker 1 (09:57):
I bring my veno, I bring my shade butter, I
bring my almond oil because I cannot play games when
it comes to the moisturizer. So he puts on the
wet lotion that they provide, and then he puts on
his sweaty clothes and then he walks by me again.

Speaker 3 (10:09):
My face.

Speaker 1 (10:11):
Literally the nosehairs, which I don't really have because I
shaved them periodically, but if.

Speaker 3 (10:17):
I did, they would have fallen out. They would have
fallen out. And he left, and it really won.

Speaker 1 (10:23):
We've broken up, we're no longer we're no longer together.
But it just made me feel like I need to
say to y'all, please walk please one please, How do
I want to say this? Please use soap when you wash. Okay,
let's say this. Please use soap and warm water when
you wash. Please wash under your armpits, wash in your

(10:48):
crotch area, wash between.

Speaker 3 (10:51):
Your toes, and wash your ass.

Speaker 1 (10:53):
I don't And also, like, because we talked about straight
man earlier, straight man, you have to wash your ass.
Straight ladies, please not eat no straight man's ass who
has not washed the ass.

Speaker 3 (11:03):
You have to watch them wash they ass. You know
what I'm saying. I had a straight girlfriend.

Speaker 1 (11:06):
It was like, my man wants me to eat his ass,
but it smells. Girl, You got to tell him to
wash his ass. I don't understand why he's asking you
to eat that ass if he's not washing it, But anyways,
you gotta tell him to wash it.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
You're soap and water.

Speaker 1 (11:19):
And then please don't be afraid of a little deodorant
and you could use that. There are good natural deodorants
out there if that's your vibe. If you but also
if you know that that don't work for you, then
you might have to bite the bullet and get a
little old spice. Okay, once a day in the morning,
real fast. Just hit it, just hit it. But I I,

(11:42):
you are ruining our relationships.

Speaker 3 (11:47):
You are ruining our relationships.

Speaker 1 (11:50):
We we could, we could, we could be married in
our fantasy right now. But but you fucking playing in
my face with these smells.

Speaker 3 (11:57):
That's fucking up the fantasy.

Speaker 1 (11:59):
And so all this to say, because this really is
about me, I feel like he owes me an apology
for smell us so bad. Okay, this is it, by
the way, welcome to the show. This is telling me
something messy. My name is Brandon cok goodness. Some people
call me messy mom, but you can call me a
scratch and sniff.

Speaker 3 (12:17):
Okay, okay, because I scratch that itch.

Speaker 1 (12:21):
No no, no, no, no, make that doorbell.

Speaker 3 (12:25):
Haven't made that doorbell? Heaven?

Speaker 1 (12:27):
Now, baby, you know what that means. It is time
for a guess. And while they get situated, I have
some fabulous news to tell you. Our podcast told me
something MESSI has been nominated for a Queerity Award.

Speaker 3 (12:41):
If you don't know what that is, it is exactly
what you think it is.

Speaker 1 (12:44):
It is an award that celebrates all things queer, and
we are alongside some incredible and incredible, incredible queer podcasts.
So you can vote every day from now until February
twenty fifth, and I hope you.

Speaker 3 (12:56):
Do so that we can win our little award period.
We'll put the link in the show notes.

Speaker 1 (13:02):
Okay, so again, you can go every day from now
until February twenty fifth to help tell me something messy
when its first award.

Speaker 3 (13:09):
Oh my god, I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 (13:10):
Okay, now let us do our hoe manifest stow repeat
after me aloud or in your head. Grant me the
serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the
wisdom to that sex is not just about penetration, The
audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries.

Speaker 3 (13:28):
The strength to not call my.

Speaker 1 (13:29):
Ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck bay, for
it is better to masturbate by myself in peace than
to let someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the
community say, oh helujah, Ugh, I'm very excited. Johnny simply
is here. Actor and producer Johnny Sibley is known for

(13:51):
his charisma, versatility, and championing of the LGBTQ plus community
both on and off the screen. He was most recently
seen as series regular on Peacock's Queer as Folk and
as Wilson the water Cup in the Emmy Award winning
comedy series Hacks on HBO Max. Johnny has also graced
the small screen as costas Perez in the groundbreaking drama Pose,

(14:14):
as well as an appearance in season two of Eliza
on Demand. In addition to his work in television, Johnny
is a fervent advocate for LGBTQ plus and LATINX rites,
growing a considerable social following as a result of his
progressive and comedic voice that includes his popular online character Julisa. Y'all,

(14:34):
please make some noise for Johnny Sibley, hibb, you look stunting.

Speaker 3 (14:45):
What's the skincare retine?

Speaker 2 (14:47):
Oh god, uh stress, no ime kidding. Actually, I've been
taking these Ashwaganda gummies that I heard are really good.
Stressanda's teacher. I couldn't. Honestly, I think it's did you.

Speaker 3 (14:59):
Say, I don't know? We're starting great love it?

Speaker 2 (15:02):
That is so that's so la for somebody like you
should be taking oshragonda gum. He's no questions asked, just like,
all right, I got it, I got it.

Speaker 1 (15:09):
You know. Somebody was like, you need some sea moths
and I was like, bet Amazon, I don't know where
y'all get that.

Speaker 3 (15:15):
Moss from, but I will take it.

Speaker 2 (15:18):
But that modo baby.

Speaker 1 (15:21):
All right, So let me give you before we get
into our messy key key, let me give you our
messy mandates, which is, things get to be unprocessed. Any
thoughts or opinions shared have the right to evolve, shift,
or change today, tomorrow or ten years from now. And
if during the kiki something feels too personal or unintentionally offends,
we use to say word foosball, which gives us a

(15:41):
chance to.

Speaker 3 (15:43):
Pivot and address or accordingly. Does that make that fun?

Speaker 1 (15:47):
You got?

Speaker 2 (15:47):
Yeah, that's fun.

Speaker 3 (15:48):
Have you played football foosball?

Speaker 2 (15:51):
Yes? Oh my god? Are you kidding? I grew up
going to the Boys and Girls Club. That is where
we stayed, That's where the foozall was at. Oh yeah,
I learned what was on this show. Yeah, I made
the safe word. And then somebody was like, do you
know what it is?

Speaker 3 (16:03):
I said, I do not. Just like that. We don't
know everything but we like the words. We like the words.

Speaker 1 (16:12):
Okay, let's start with the lube breaker, which is, you know,
like an icebreaker.

Speaker 3 (16:15):
But are you down for a fun round of fuck
Mary Block. Oh yeah, yeah, we don't kill people here.
We just block them. We just we just a block.
We don't follow.

Speaker 1 (16:28):
Okay, so fuck Mary Block. Ass eating So sitting on
your face all fours or on their back, and this
could be you eating them or them eating you, but
sitting on your somebody sitting on your face all fours.

Speaker 2 (16:43):
That can be a whole different uh, you know, lineup,
because I'll just go with if I'm the the one
sitting for dinner, I would say I would fuck the
face ride. Yes, I would marry the all fours and
I lock the on your back legs up. Oh but

(17:06):
that's so oh gosh. They're also wonderful. But I just
think if I had to get rid of one, because
there's just nothing like that little arch back with those two.
You can see it, like you know what I'm saying,
Yes I do, I do. Yeah, and the and the
and the and the ride is is really very it

(17:26):
gives very much coming attractions, Like I don't know, it's
just yeah, it's like, are you gonna kill me? You
could kill me?

Speaker 3 (17:33):
You could right now.

Speaker 2 (17:34):
You can kill me right now.

Speaker 3 (17:35):
That's kind of hot, that's crazy.

Speaker 1 (17:37):
But I'm with you, you know, or like, yeah, your
life is in my hands right now, like your life
is in my hole right now.

Speaker 3 (17:43):
Yes, I definitely on all fours.

Speaker 1 (17:51):
There's not like it's assume the position like that to me,
I have to marry that because that because like you said,
like I get like it's such a perfect the arch.

Speaker 2 (17:59):
That she Depending on what the lighting is, it could be
really just like you're.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
Yeah, and and the mirrors. Besides, both of us can
look in the mirror and see delicious. Absolutely, I'm going
to say I will fuck the face ride because I
like it.

Speaker 3 (18:19):
I like a good coming attraction. I like roller, you know.
And then I'll block.

Speaker 1 (18:23):
The The only reason I'll block the on the back
is because I feel like you need to add like
a pillow to.

Speaker 3 (18:28):
It, you know what I'm saying, so like we can you.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
Know, sometimes I got to hold the langes back if
they're not you know, helpful in the situation.

Speaker 1 (18:35):
Yeah, if they're not as FLEXI too, it's just like
it requires did you stretch before? So blocked that this
is the last what you saying? Baby, let me tell
you this right now. He needs to hear this stretch
the way my hips and knees used to crack.

Speaker 3 (18:51):
And I said, no, this is unacceptable.

Speaker 1 (18:55):
Somebody like blow your back out and then you hear
popular It's fine, that's just my undergrad.

Speaker 2 (19:01):
I'm just I'm just dandy.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
Okay, last one, fu Mary block kinks, blindfold, hand restraints,
paddle or whips.

Speaker 2 (19:13):
Block the hand restraintsn't like that. I have not. I've
seen too many movies.

Speaker 3 (19:19):
What's the movie you've seen in the movie?

Speaker 2 (19:23):
Okay, yeah, that's not You're right, Yeah.

Speaker 3 (19:32):
To say fifty shades of gray. And then you said,
all right, never mind.

Speaker 2 (19:36):
What I'm saying. Like like the same way I don't
like to have my back to the door at the restaurant.
I'm not letting you tie up these hands. Blindfold is
fine because my other senses will be much stronger when
I'm blindfolded. So I'm out. Fuck with that one. And
then the marry, I'll do the little paddles and the
and the things like the little whips and chains excite me, you.

Speaker 3 (19:56):
Know, Yeah, Oh you are so right. So if I
trust you.

Speaker 1 (20:02):
I do want them hand restraints because I don't mind,
but like, you're right, I have to trust you, have
to know you like going to like a first hook
up and then being like, let me girl, let me.

Speaker 2 (20:10):
Tell you girl.

Speaker 3 (20:13):
Oh no, no, thank you so much. Let me period.
That's hard fast for me.

Speaker 1 (20:21):
But I so let me say, I'll fuck the hand restraints,
I will marry. I'm gonna marry the spanking, and I'll
block the blindfold. The blindfold isn't like I no, it
does do something because it heightens those senses. But I
like to see what's going on. I mean that is
I like, I like to like, I want to see
what you what's.

Speaker 3 (20:41):
Going on a little bit, So I'll block the blindfold.

Speaker 1 (20:45):
Yeah, baby, guess what.

Speaker 3 (20:48):
What you want? You want? You won the game. Congratulations,
you win my unconditional love. So lucky you.

Speaker 1 (20:57):
Season two, there might be money, but right now, right
now we're just giving our.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
Love is worth a million.

Speaker 3 (21:05):
That's right. That's right, y'all For everyone listening.

Speaker 1 (21:09):
If you have prompts, you can feel free to email
me at tell Me Something Messy at gmail dot com.
Speaking of which, Johnny, will you tell me something messy
something messy.

Speaker 2 (21:21):
Ooh. Oh you know what, I had a really big
fantasy of like uber drivers, lyft drivers, and yeah, finally
my fantasy came to reality.

Speaker 3 (21:33):
Wait wait, wait tell me the story.

Speaker 2 (21:35):
Yeah. So I was, you know, because you know, sometimes
you always get a look at that picture and you're
like oh, or you're like oh, one day, one day
I was running errand's. I was so frustrated. I was
just like I was in another world. I get in
the lift. I didn't even look at the picture at
that point, and then I'm just like in there on
my phone and I like look up and I see

(21:56):
the eyes looking at me in the rear view. I
was like oh. And then I like look at the
profile and I was like oh, like like the side profile.
I'm like, oh what, I'm over here in my own world.
I totally missed this beautiful And then we were just
exchange exchanging glands of exchanging glances, and then you know,
the touching started to happen of oneself. There was no
like reaching over. Oh you know, there was like there's

(22:17):
like levels to it.

Speaker 1 (22:18):
So cause are you like, are you direct? Are you
behind the passenger seat?

Speaker 2 (22:23):
Correct? So it's like you get that diagonical. You can
see what they're doing with their hands and whatnot, and
they can see what you're doing with yours. And so
we like pulled up to my place and he was like,
so should I come in? I was like no. I
was like, but you can pull up over here. And

(22:44):
he pulled up behind Hamburger Mary's and he got up
into the back seat and he's like, oh, I want
to fuck you. I was like, no, I don't think
that's what we should do now, but we could do
the other stuff. So we we did, and then we
you know, we both finished and he dropped me back
off and people was like and I was like, I
was like, I forgot. I really forgot.

Speaker 3 (23:05):
You forgot to leave the tip.

Speaker 2 (23:06):
I got to leave the tip, but he got a
different tip. You know what I'm saying, Like, you know,
that's right exactly, you know, like that's obviously the easy
you know, but it really was true. And I was
just shook. I like texted all my friends. I was like,
oh my god, I just with my lip driver.

Speaker 3 (23:21):
That is my dream still either one.

Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, So I accomplished that, like I you know, that
bucket list item and I was like, also, why don't
I see enough porn about this. I mean, it's probably
like it's frown upon, but sure, you know, everyone's got
a job situate like a fantasy.

Speaker 1 (23:40):
Yeah, I love an uber fantasy because I love the
I mean because you know, as somebody who likes to
be taking care of it's like you're already driving me,
which is such a such a loving gesture.

Speaker 3 (23:50):
And then if it, you know.

Speaker 1 (23:51):
And late at night, when you're probably already corny leaving
the party, you're like.

Speaker 3 (23:54):
I'm going home.

Speaker 1 (23:55):
I have my pizza and cookies. But then like your
uber drivers.

Speaker 3 (23:58):
Hot, you're like, okay, like I don't have to do
it work, it's right.

Speaker 1 (24:01):
Here, it is, it's right there. Yeah, that's the universe
being good to you.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
Yes, the universe loves almost I needed it. Ready for
messy mail mm hmm, okay, it is time for messy Mail,
where we read out messy patron stories and submissions.

Speaker 1 (24:22):
As always, your submissions remain anonymous. One of your submissions
will be my messy pick for a messy key key,
which is a more in depth.

Speaker 3 (24:29):
Convote with Johnny. So.

Speaker 1 (24:32):
The first one says, Bay lives with his parents. We
watched a movie while they were home and came seven times.
I was gonna ask you, how many times have you
come in a session?

Speaker 2 (24:46):
In one session?

Speaker 3 (24:47):
In one session, well, I think.

Speaker 2 (24:51):
The session lasted. I would say twenty four hours because
we leave the hotel room, and I think it was nine. Yeah,
it's giving chafed.

Speaker 3 (25:01):
What was your aftercare for your dick and your.

Speaker 2 (25:06):
More? I don't know, I honestly more well, I think
also when you're doing it that much, there is a
level of care that's being taken that's being taken throughout. Yes, so,
but there was definitely like two days where it was
it was giving uh you know, church.

Speaker 3 (25:25):
Chriss to speed.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
It was like and not even like I don't know,
it just felt raw, like it felt like tender. It
wasn't like there was any stabbing or anything like that.
I just felt like, oh, I don't want to.

Speaker 1 (25:37):
I don't want to, Like I've used this, I used
and a little rest. Let the dick rest Sunday and
on Sunday we rest. I think the most I've come
in one session, which would have been a couple hours,

(25:58):
was like three times.

Speaker 2 (26:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (26:00):
The thing is when I'm.

Speaker 1 (26:01):
Bottoming, you got one come out of me like that's
kind of it. Like you go one time and then
you get the fuck out of me here you ain't like,
what's that co Please get out of me, like you
got like five pumps. But I'll get out of me.
And then when I'm topping though, I can, you know,

(26:22):
I can, I can.

Speaker 3 (26:24):
I can get you A couple I get I can
feel you up. Baby called me daddy.

Speaker 1 (26:32):
This one says, deep throated, the biggest penis ever this weekend.
My throat hurts, but MESSI mom didn't worse a punk
shout out, what's the what's the biggest dick? You've thrown it?

Speaker 2 (26:46):
Well? I don't know if I throwd it. Well, I guess, gosh,
it's been there's been a couple. I mean, okay, you
know what's funny, I think because there's been a couple.
I can't remember the biggest one. But I do remember
at one point being like, I'm bad at this because
I couldn't you know what I'm saying. And I realized

(27:07):
I was victim blaming myself, like I was you shot right.
It's like they were just too there is too big
in my opinions. You know, I slapped it around. I slept,
you know, Oh my.

Speaker 1 (27:21):
God, Sorry, I just pictured your like a cat like pause,
just like that.

Speaker 2 (27:26):
You know, one of those things that you like punch
and it comes back. I do those little like things
that with the have the sand in the bottom that
are like the swinger.

Speaker 3 (27:36):
Yeah, yeah, you punch it down and then it comes
back up.

Speaker 4 (27:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
I love that. See I love that. But I like
to put it inside of any part of me, you know.

Speaker 1 (27:46):
Yeah, you like to play with that, right right, like
this is crazy. You like to hold it a little
bit talking like this, so big tap tap?

Speaker 3 (27:54):
Do you want to oh little podcast on that deck?

Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (28:00):
I get that.

Speaker 1 (28:04):
In another lie season two, our mics will be shaped
like dicks and no one will stop me.

Speaker 3 (28:09):
I think the biggest dick that I.

Speaker 1 (28:10):
Have sucked, which again was like maybe like a twelve
inchro but I will say it doesn't you know, the
throat has its limitations when you get to a certain
like after a certain size, it's like I'm not getting
to the ball. I meanan some of y'all can, but
like I'm like, I'm not getting to the balls. Yeah
on this dick. So I'm gonna have to use my
hands and and and also like I will say this

(28:31):
if it's length that has a better chance of getting further.

Speaker 3 (28:34):
But once you add that girth.

Speaker 2 (28:36):
To right, Yeah, my job is just.

Speaker 3 (28:42):
It's just not no, it hurts.

Speaker 1 (28:44):
But do you even need tips for second me? Yeah,
tips for a sucking big dick?

Speaker 2 (28:49):
Well I did. I did learn when you're taking it back,
you you you breathe in because when I breathe in,
you allow more space in your throat. Yawn, yes you yes,
like oh you just But I also I'm like never
trying to prove that I'm you know that girl, like listen,
I you know I can try that in other ways.

(29:12):
I don't need to be you know, the gawkak three
thousand that you tell all your friends about.

Speaker 3 (29:17):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (29:17):
I just need you to say it's good, like it
was fine, like I had a good time, you know.
But there's some liberating like they're fucking going to the Olympics, bitch, like.

Speaker 1 (29:26):
Decinate, I'm trying to get that gold medal. I really
am trying to get gold and I'm gonna take.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
You out of the news if I need to come on.
I just like I so like I do agree.

Speaker 1 (29:39):
It's the yawn. I always talk about the yawn, like
like if you yawn. It lists your soft palette. You
get the dig further back, so when you're on that dick, yawn,
and then you can get it further back. But also
I'm with you at a certain point, you're like, listen,
there are other things that I don't have to be
great at everything. You know what I'm saying, Like, maybe
maybe you get a blow job here, maybe over there,
I'm gonna ask eat, you know, like I don't feel

(30:00):
like I gotta you know, know your skills. You don't
have to be a master, be a master of something
instead of a master of not you know.

Speaker 3 (30:10):
Whatever.

Speaker 2 (30:11):
Yeah, I mean like there's also there was these I
went to a sex shop once and they had these
like little mints that were like watering mints.

Speaker 3 (30:20):
Yes, they make your mouth. Yes, god, those are great.

Speaker 2 (30:23):
If you've been out and you haven't had a sip
of water in a moment, it's good to just pop
one of those in if you're you know, at the
at the hookups house or your friend's house. I don't
know what you do, but yeah, it really makes your life.

Speaker 1 (30:36):
But but the mints they do, I've heard they're really
good for this. You know, if you smoke a little
weed your mouth is dry. Having the mints because you
need that, you need that water.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
Is part of part of it.

Speaker 1 (30:48):
Yeah, part of the success is that needs to be
a slip and slide.

Speaker 3 (30:54):
Exactly, exactly, exactly. Okay, we don't want no dry ass mouth.
You don't want that, all right.

Speaker 1 (31:01):
This one says, Oh, just started a new job and
a guy I was talking to one grinder and then
ghosted is my new coworker. I have no no thoughts here.
Rather than be kind to everyone, because you never know
who's gonna be your coworker.

Speaker 2 (31:16):
What I mean? Yeah, well that's also the thing. It's
like I would see I would play coy like I
you know, like.

Speaker 3 (31:24):
I don't remember you.

Speaker 2 (31:25):
I don't remember you, Hi, Robert, how are you nice
to meet you?

Speaker 3 (31:29):
Thankful name? Hi Robert.

Speaker 2 (31:30):
I don't remember you, right, And you know he'll he'll remember,
you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 (31:35):
Of course, because you got that. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (31:38):
That sounds like, see of course, my my fucking toxic
guys is like, oh, an opportunity to try again.

Speaker 3 (31:46):
She said, I'm I'm gonna give it a second whirl
in real life.

Speaker 2 (31:50):
What do you think?

Speaker 3 (31:51):
Who this? You can't go to no more.

Speaker 1 (31:54):
No baby now report is I PM girl just sing back.

Speaker 3 (32:02):
I just want to loop you with.

Speaker 1 (32:05):
Wait have you ever have you ever run into somebody
that you've ghosted?

Speaker 3 (32:09):
Wait? Hold on, have you ever ghosted anyone?

Speaker 2 (32:11):
Probably?

Speaker 3 (32:13):
I feel like we all have a problem.

Speaker 2 (32:14):
You know what, I don't. I don't ghost people unless
they don't get a hint, like if they continue, if
they're like messaging messaging, messaging messaging, and I like one,
I can't get back to all of the messages, and
I'm like, that's just I can't. I really don't even
think I want to know this person because it's getting
cuckoo mago. But no, I don't. I don't think I

(32:35):
have watched someone be like, uh remember me.

Speaker 3 (32:38):
Put it in the comments? Anybody?

Speaker 2 (32:40):
I don't. I don't think so. I think I've definitely
run into people that I no longer fus with. But
you know, it's very how you do you know? A
lightless yeah, or like the let me get it, oh,
let me get out of your way, hold on.

Speaker 3 (33:03):
Obsessed? Yeah, I ran into somebody. So I had the the.

Speaker 1 (33:08):
Most prominent ghost of situation is that where like there
were so many messages. Yeah, And I've already responded, and
I was kind of like, this isn't a thing. But
then they like kept messaging and then I ran into
them at a party and I wasn't expecting it, and
it was luckily I was my best friend because I
like it was like I was walking to the bathroom,
they were coming out of the bathroom.

Speaker 3 (33:25):
We ran into each other.

Speaker 4 (33:26):
Was like, h.

Speaker 2 (33:28):
Wow, that's that's hard when you're like in close proximity,
like when you see them from across the room, it's easier.

Speaker 3 (33:35):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (33:36):
Actually, In fact, the I got ghosted once and that
guy I saw at Agbar and he was across the way,
and that was a fine way to see the ghost.
And you know, I looked better, So I felt good
about it, Like, Okay, well.

Speaker 2 (33:54):
Great if I see someone that's ghosted me, rarely have
I ever felt bad. I'm always like hi, how are you?

Speaker 3 (34:02):
And I'm thriving? How are you?

Speaker 2 (34:04):
You see me? You see me there up here? You
see that little rope, that little velvet rope. Yeah, yeah,
you fucked up.

Speaker 3 (34:12):
You fumbled this, didn't you. Okay?

Speaker 2 (34:16):
Yeah you could have been sharing his bottle.

Speaker 3 (34:19):
You could be sharing his bottles.

Speaker 2 (34:23):
Cool sparklers.

Speaker 3 (34:28):
Suddenly I'm having the best time.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
Yes, this one says, A chef slid into my d
MS and I let him make me dinner, then eat
my ass and pussy for hours, which congratulations.

Speaker 3 (34:44):
I love that.

Speaker 1 (34:45):
Do you have any fantasies because the chef is I mean,
everyone has the chef fantasy right now with the bear
and all that, But fantasies.

Speaker 2 (34:53):
Of like who like, yeah, minds are minor, like toxic.
Of course I love it. Let's go a football player.

Speaker 3 (35:02):
Yeah, you know, like.

Speaker 2 (35:04):
I hate that. I hate that about myself. You're safe, listen,
you know, I yeah, I there's there was one time
I was at my friend's wedding and there was like
a straight football player there, and that man gave me
so much attention. I don't think he was gay. He
was just attentive, and I was like, God.

Speaker 3 (35:25):
The night might be that night a football player.

Speaker 2 (35:29):
And I was like, wow, I really thought I had
had healed from this.

Speaker 4 (35:31):
But yeah, I like an athlete, a wrestler, you know,
like the single it's always I do think like as
queer folks or gay malebody men.

Speaker 1 (35:47):
There's something about being bullied, like your bullies, like being
bullied by the jocks and then having that. Like, also,
a lot of porn is like the two wrestlers or
the football player and the basketball player, and so I feel.

Speaker 2 (35:58):
Like, well, it's just it's it's clearly just born out
of like they wear the tightest ship, so they're showing
off the male physique. It just so happens that they
are sometimes the bully. So if I'm really giving myself
an out here, I would say it's it's only toxic
because that's how society has made it. For me. I'm
just really enjoying the physique of I love those those

(36:22):
shoulder pads and the tight shorts and the hitting the
butts and things like that. So yeah, I mean if
it was a gay football player would be the same thing.
I guess.

Speaker 3 (36:30):
Sure.

Speaker 1 (36:31):
That's funny to me that you're like the slapping of
the butts was really about the football playing, not the
football itself.

Speaker 2 (36:38):
Just like I'm not. I don't want to play football.
I just want to get my ass smacked, like.

Speaker 1 (36:42):
Yeah, snacked, you know, whatever it is, whatever it.

Speaker 2 (36:46):
Is, it's absolutely yeah.

Speaker 1 (36:49):
Yeah, I think wrestlers jocks. Somebody had mentioned Barbers as
a fantasy, which there is something about like the tenderness
of a barber your head and also you know the
top of your head and your head on you when
they do your beer, it's very intimate.

Speaker 2 (37:10):
And when they're looking at you and you're like what
do I look? What do I look?

Speaker 3 (37:15):
You know, like hey, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (37:18):
And also I feel like, just like from the neighborhood
I grew up in, I have like a fantasy about
those boys, like like like give me a New Yorker
down like Queen's Harlem, like you know New Yorker.

Speaker 3 (37:33):
Just like that's a toxic thing, all right.

Speaker 1 (37:43):
This one is my messy pick, which says I want
a relationship, I think, but I haven't had the best
luck with them. I'm feeling like it's me and I'm
picking the wrong guys. How do I know if I'm
really ready for a relationship or how do I become ready?

Speaker 2 (37:59):
From you said you're not ready?

Speaker 3 (38:01):
Tell me what we'll tell me what you mean?

Speaker 2 (38:02):
Tell me that, because there's a lot of self doubt
in that, and I think you know it's it's it's less.
I sometimes I feel like you have to pick you
first and foremost. You have to know what you want
out of your life before you start letting it in.
Do you know what I mean, Because if you don't
know what you want, if you don't know, if you're

(38:23):
not there ready to be like, I'm ready for love
because I know that I have enough love that I'm
ready to give some more. My cup runs over, you
know what I mean. So I feel like those are
oftentimes the best times to find a partner. But when
you're like, I don't know if I'm doing this right,
I don't know. You know, at the at the end
of the day, I don't feel like we're any of
us really know if we're doing everything right. But when

(38:46):
you don't have enough self confidence in your choices, that
I don't think breeds a lot of great results when
it comes to seeking out partnership with others.

Speaker 3 (38:55):
Yeah, how do you get ready?

Speaker 2 (38:57):
I like, you know, it's so it It is so
cliche to be like, work on yourself, but it is.
It is of the utmost importance in order to have friendship,
have connection with literally anyone. It doesn't even have to
be a romantic connection. But I think the only way
you get ready is if you know that you're preparing yourself.
You know, I mean that asking that question is a

(39:20):
step in the right direction, right you know what I
mean being saying I think I might be the issue.
I think I might be, but like know that that
that there's healing that can come from that that will
prepare you and will allow you. You might not be
fully healed. None of us are really ever there, but
I mean I hope we are. But you know there's Yeah,

(39:43):
it's not about waiting till the right time. It's more
about like having enough trust in yourself that like you
got this.

Speaker 1 (39:51):
Yeah, that you've like poured enough into your cup right right,
because if we're not looking for perfection, like you'll never
be perfectly ready. But it's like you've poured enough into yourself, no,
enough about yourself that you can make a decision about
a partner, a partnership, which I also think is that
you know, when we think about boyfriend's girlfriends, husbands, wives,
I'm like, there's so much focus on the title and

(40:13):
no focus on the quality of the relationship, no focus
on That's why I love the term partner because it's like, well,
if I'm going to do this thing, like it's not
just to be like this is my boyfriend, Like it's
where we're building something together which requires both of us
to be doing work on ourselves, work on this thing,
just the way that you would have a business partner
that you're building a business with. I think it's the

(40:34):
same thing that you have this romantic partner. And yeah,
it's not about being perfectly ready, yea, but it is
about getting clarity around I think your intention too, you know,
like what is my intention of being in this relationship?

Speaker 3 (40:49):
And what do I want? I don't know, like what
I want.

Speaker 1 (40:52):
Out of the relationship because I think, like sometimes you
get and tell me what you think. Because how long
have you been with your partner?

Speaker 3 (40:58):
Now?

Speaker 2 (40:59):
Uh, since December? So little over six nine months?

Speaker 1 (41:03):
Oh my goodness, you're almost almost I mean by the time,
you probably a year by the time this, yeah is
out right right October. Now, how did you get yourself
ready for that?

Speaker 2 (41:14):
Oh? Because I think, you know, it's funny the opposite.

Speaker 3 (41:16):
I was.

Speaker 2 (41:17):
I was ready to never have a partner ever again.
I was ready, I told my therapist, I said, I
don't know that i'll ever I mean I wanted it.
I wanted it, and I thought I was ready. I
just thought, I don't think I'll ever have that again.
And I'm okay, like I kind of laid it to rest.
In a way, I said, if I if I'm eighty
years old, God willing one day and I can look

(41:40):
back at my life and say, ooh, that was the
summer of Jonathan, that was the summer of you know,
this was the I had many lovers in my life
that peppered my life with joy and love and passion.
I'll have lived a good life.

Speaker 3 (41:54):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (41:54):
So I'm okay if I don't find someone that person
to spend my life with or whatever you want to
whatever society has taught us we have to have. I'm
okay with not having that so long as I have
given myself a lot of love throughout with people. You know.
I think that really like letting go of that, like

(42:17):
letting go of that idea of what I needed and
what I've always wanted, allowed me space to really get
to because my boyfriend, like I was like, no, he's
so much younger than me, like that, there were so
many like this probably won't work, and he just kept
showing me like, bitch, shut up, you don't know what
you're talking about, you know, And that I feel like
I was only able to really receive that because I

(42:40):
was able to let go of expectation and and what
I thought I needed and wanted out of my life.

Speaker 1 (42:46):
You know, I think that that's so I've been talking
about this, and so my husband and I have been together,
We've been married for five years but together for nine,
and we sometimes talk about like, well, how did this happen?
And I remember and here for both of us, we
were not looking for relationships, like I had actually sworn
off relationships. I was going on dates for material because

(43:08):
at the time I was doing I was trying to
do stand up. I was like I was just going
on dates with everybody, and so my energy was showing
up like I have nothing to prove to you.

Speaker 3 (43:17):
I mean, you know, like I'm just here.

Speaker 1 (43:18):
To be And that is when somehow I met Matthew
and like it worked out. And I've been talking to
a couple other folks who've been in longer term relationships,
and there is this theme that, like when I asked
about the beginning of the relationship and where they were individually,
there's this theme that they're like, oh, I wasn't looking
for anything. I was like I had, I was happy

(43:39):
with me. Like they were satisfied with themselves and they
loved who they were and they were enjoying their lives
and investing in the dalliances, the lovers, the friends, but
like they were filling out their plate, and so when
that person arrived, there weren't stakes.

Speaker 3 (43:58):
And there was also like.

Speaker 1 (44:01):
About what you're bringing to this table, right, because I
love what's going on. So you're not going to come
and interrupt the love that I have for the life
I'm living. You have to be additive to it. Where
sometimes I think we're in a space where we're chasing
the relationship to fill our cup, to fill our plate.

Speaker 2 (44:18):
Yeah, there's like a desperation almost, but people can feel that.
People can feel when yeah, putting on them this sort
of expectation or this this yearning, this wanting for something
rather than you know, two people just being around each
other and be like you know I was. I told
my therapist. I was like, I don't know that I'll
ever have someone here that I don't want to leave,

(44:40):
Like my house, Like I want people to leave my house.
Say maybe I like them being there, but I want
them to go. I like my space. But with Philip,
my boyfriend, now, like I was just like, oh, this
is a this is a sign when I don't want
him to leave my space. Yeah, I really enjoy him, Like,
I'll be sad if he decides that he doesn't want
to be here anymore. And I was like, oh, that's

(45:02):
a turning point because I have not felt that, you know,
for a long time. That's no shade to anyone else,
it's just you know, sometimes people bring out stuff in you,
and you know, there was not There was not a
lot of we were kind of just like doing it,
you know. Yeah, And a lot of my successful relationships
have been born out of like long term, like long
distance situations, and everyone's like, oh, I don't know how
you do that. I'm like, it's kind of not that

(45:23):
hard if you have the means to visit each other.
But it kind of takes out the pressure of les, oh,
well what are we now? Like are you going to
meet my friends? Like it's kind of like when we're together,
we are with each other, and when we're apart, we're
communicating in ways that we might not if we were
sitting right in front of each other.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
Oh. I kind of think that this is controversial hot take,
but I wish that every relationship started long distance. Matthew
and I our first year was long distance. And the
way the reason I said that is to say that
is because it forced us to learn how to communicate.
So by the time we were in the same city,
we knew how to communicate through those hard moments, Whereas
sometimes I think when you are with the person, you

(46:01):
haven't worked that muscle sometimes and you let certain things slide,
whereas if you're long distance, we learn very quickly you
cannot let anything slide. Like also if you're long distance,
like don't go more than like three or four weeks
without seeing each other, because you start fighting with each other.
Like there are these things that you start learning that
you wouldn't learn if the person was you know, the
kind of the love bomb of it all right, Like
sometimes when you meet somebody, it's really super intense, and

(46:24):
then when you hit the We were just talking to
doctor Vanessa Marin and she was saying that physiologically, falling
in love is it looks like doing cocaine. But if
it can only last for that first like twelve to
fourteen months, and so after that, what is there?

Speaker 3 (46:41):
So like when you're.

Speaker 1 (46:42):
Past that twelve to fourteen months, now you're like, get
out of my house. But you also haven't like built
the muscles for communication, not to say you can't do
that without long distance, but I think that it forced
us to figure that piece out, which made it very
clear if we were to be each other's partner shor not.

(47:02):
You know, look at us now, which you know I think.
I also, I don't know how you feel about this.
I think in my before Matthew, like when I got
really clear that I was very happy with being with myself,
which was also born out of before Matthew, I was
in an emotionally abusive relationship for a couple of years,
and so there was years in between that and Matthew

(47:23):
of like healing and dating and like trying to find
a new partner and wanting to be in a relationship
and kind of and then I don't know what I'm
trying to figure out, like what exactly happened where I
was like, I'm done, Like I don't want to chase

(47:45):
I'm pretty sure I read Rene Brown's Gifts of Imperfection,
and I understood that I'm a perfectionist and I was
tired of hating myself. I was tired of like criticizing
and critiquing, and I was tired of trying to shape
shift myself for a partner or for somebody else to
like me. It was just getting so heavy and burdensome

(48:10):
to wake up and be like, oh, I don't like
this about me, and if I do the change, syste
this will.

Speaker 3 (48:14):
Make me get attend.

Speaker 1 (48:16):
It's a full time job to self criticize like that.
And so I think when you get tired enough, you stop,
or you find a way to interrupt it, or you
find the resources. You get into therapy, you read more books,
you watch more videos, you talk to more people. But
it's like, oh, if something needs to shift. And in
that shift came a happiness with self. Not complete, but

(48:37):
it was like, oh, I found ways to fall in
love with me, which then now means that when I
am dating or seeking dates, I'm not seeking it as
a way for validation. You are affirming what I already
know about myself, which is that I am lovable and
that I'm a catch. And if I'm not a catch
for you, it's not because I'm not a catch, it's.

Speaker 2 (49:00):
Just money for you, you know.

Speaker 1 (49:05):
And like that's such a that's such a different mind space.
And I think so many of us, especially queer folks,
especially women are trained to shape shift correct. But if
I might encourage you listeners to check out Lauren Hill's
unplugged MTV Unplugged album from however, like from how many
decades ago, which it was it was a period when

(49:27):
people were calling her crazy, but if you listen to
it now, all the things we're talking about self care,
mental health, Like she was talking about it on this
special and people called her crazy.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
But one of the things she said is she.

Speaker 1 (49:38):
Talks about the story about meeting a partner, one of
her partners, and how he had commented that she was
eating like a man, quote unquote, and she and she
was just like, yeah, I'm eating, Like I'm not going
to hide how I eat to impress you, Like I'm
not going to like take small bites to try and
woo the main because that's what we do in the dating.

Speaker 3 (49:57):
We we do.

Speaker 1 (49:59):
These things and then we wake up next to each
other ten years later and we're like, who the fuck
are you right? Because we've been hiding ourselves. And I
think there's a value in in just being and figuring.

Speaker 2 (50:11):
Out how to just be yourself, right. I think there's there.
I mean, there's like I talk to friends all the
time that you know, because we're both very similar. I
think we're the friend that a lot of our friends
come to that are like, so, here's what's happening, and
you know, yes, and I mean listen, I get so
much I get so much energy from that. But there's

(50:31):
a lot of times a similar vibe when it comes
to a lot of friends that is like I just
don't I'm scared they're gonna see this. I'm scared that
this is gonna come out. But it's like it will
come out no matter what, whether you try, whether you
put your best foot forward on the first day and
you don't wear the clothes that you usually wear at home, Like,

(50:53):
eventually they're gonna see the sweater with the stain on it, baby, Like,
it's just gonna happen.

Speaker 3 (50:57):
Because you are good.

Speaker 2 (50:58):
There's only so much of a veneer that you can
put up before it starts to chip away, and they're
going to see the real you. Yeah, that's why I say, like,
you know, obviously, don't show up like whatever, this is
me bitch like. But but I would say, like, the
person that is going to love you is going to
love you, and they're going to see you and they're

(51:20):
going to appreciate you. Now. Not everything is going to
be you know, perfect, but there's you know, there's certain
things about me that like, I like, I eat like
a man. Like I eat, I don't My food doesn't
get very far, you know what I mean. My boyfriend's
always like he what did he say? Oh, we went
to the movie theater. First time we went to the
movie theater together. I got popcorn and I was like, oh,

(51:42):
you're about to You're about to see me eat like
a crazy person on this popcorn. And he's like, so,
you mean like everything else? And I was like, I
was like, oh. I was like, oh my god, he
sees me, he sees he clawed me, and like I
could have been like, oh my god, this is like
a slobby things I eat too much, but I was
kind of like, you better you ate that, like because

(52:05):
ultimately I felt more connected to him in that moment
because we were you know, I knew it wasn't born
out of like you're a slob. It was more like
I see it say.

Speaker 3 (52:12):
Like you like food, you like it food.

Speaker 2 (52:17):
It wasn't like, oh I saw the way he ate
and I didn't call him back like you know, which
is fine. If you didn't call me back then we
probably wouldn't be together, you know. And I think people again,
like you said, knowing that you are a catch and
you're lovable, that is that is the work right there?
You know what I mean that, I think you have
to know at bottom line that you are worthy of love,

(52:40):
especially loving yourself. Yeah, and we're we're taught like if
you just fix this, if you just change this. We
live in a world of change and perfection. And if
you just have a little more money or if you just
have a little more status, you're a little more body
uh you know, less body fat, like whatever it is,
you'll be more lovable. But at baseline, we are all lovable,

(53:01):
like truly, And if you know that, without a shadow
of a fucking doubt, sure you might want to change
the little things here and there, that's normal. But if
you have to just have to know baseline that you
are fucking lovable, Yeah, that makes it so much less
scary to be yourself in front of other people. You know.

Speaker 1 (53:22):
You saying that makes me go, like thinking about the
words that we use, like change, growth, Like growth makes
sense to me, change might even make sense, but it's
the fix it right, Yeah, it's what we go, I
gotta fix this about me. It's like, no, like that
that is when we start to get into that self
critical it's like, oh, I got to fix that or
changed that about me to get whatever.

Speaker 3 (53:42):
It's like you can grow.

Speaker 1 (53:44):
You might decide to do something differently, and that's growth
because you've got new information. But that still is you
pouring into yourself, whereas the fixing thing is like trying
to take shit out right, It's like I'm taking like
I'm pouring this all this good water, all this good
stuff out and I think never ends well because at
some point that it's like, you're gonna have to pay this.

Speaker 2 (54:06):
Bill at some point totally.

Speaker 1 (54:07):
So we can pay this bill at the beginning on
date one, two and three, or we can pay this
bill once we're now married.

Speaker 3 (54:13):
There's got there's no prenup.

Speaker 1 (54:16):
At some point, the bill is gonna get paid because
if we haven't shown who we are, it's gonna it's
gonna run out at some point. If we're not talking
to each other, if we're not communicating, that's gonna it's
gonna reach it's gonna reach.

Speaker 3 (54:28):
Its limit at some point.

Speaker 1 (54:30):
And then I think you know, I find it not
devastating because I think also we're all on our own journey,
so it's nothing to say, oh, I did this wrong.

Speaker 3 (54:36):
But I do get sad.

Speaker 1 (54:39):
When I hear about people who are in long term
relationships and had just never questioned anything and then suddenly
felt blindsided because the relationship ended or kind of woke
up and was like, oh, I'm not myself here, right
because I wasn't. I've been drowning out who I am
to kind of fit the mold of this relationship or

(55:01):
what people think about our relationship or to be married
or to have a wife or a husband. Like there's
society really gets us with that.

Speaker 2 (55:09):
Yeah, And also but we also get ourselves by not
asking questions and seeking answers, Like you know, when we
say like, oh I need to fix this, well why why?
Why do you? And why do you think you need
to fix it? Because usually the through line of that
is either it's it's baked in with some sort of
like trauma or society or like someone's told you at

(55:30):
some point that you needed to fix this part of it. Ye,
your parent might have told you, well fix you you
stand like that, Oh sorry, I'm such a sloudge because
I really got to fix that. It's like if we're
so worried about the fixing instead of really getting down
to the nitty gritty in the bottom of things, you know,
Like even in relationships, it's like why why haven't we
communicated about this? Like I was telling Philip recently, I

(55:53):
was like, I just have to communicate. We have to
We don't have to communicate in the moment, but we
have to talk about things because I've been in relationships
where things went unsaid and those things build up, build up,
build up, and then it gets so overwhelming. They're like,
now there's just there's just too much to talk about. Yeah, there,
you don't know where to start. So yeah, I feel

(56:13):
like people just have to ask themselves much more questions
like why do I feel like I should show up
on the state like this instead of the way I am?
Like why why am I, you know, doing this? Why
do I feel like I need to lose five pounds
before I go on vacation?

Speaker 1 (56:28):
Like you know, I ask why is a really it's
a beautiful three letter word that really will free you up.
I always say, over communicate state the obvious. There are
no dumb questions like that is tea about community, Like
just over communicate, state the fucking obvious. There are no
dumb questions like that. To me is how you keep

(56:49):
the relationship safe. It is like I'm not gonna assume anything.
I'm not gonna assume your intentions. I'm gonna just ask
the question, are you okay? Are we okay? This thing happened?
I want to be like, don't let it fester? Is
so important. My other question, my question for you though,
is how did you Because you know there's a lot
of self care language around You gotta love yourself, you

(57:09):
gotta feel worthy.

Speaker 3 (57:11):
How did you?

Speaker 1 (57:12):
And I know it's not a linear process, but what
are some things that you did to to learn how
to love yourself? Like, what are some tangible things that
you did?

Speaker 2 (57:22):
I think there's sometimes having evidence like evidence, and I mean,
you know, even like when I was a kid, there's
certain ways I felt about myself until people started telling
me the opposite. And one of those things was my creativity.
I was so creative and I knew I was so creative.

(57:43):
And I loved art and I loved what I you know, acting,
and I loved like making up stories and doing things
like it was true. Nobody gave me those permission to
do that. It was something that was born out of
my my curiosity, my why. So when I became older
and I and those things started to happen for me,
I started to like get a job or like not

(58:05):
even the job, but like I started to do to
do plays that really meant something to me that when
I finished, I felt, Wow, I really like that really
felt so good in my body. And like you know,
and then you have friends come and see you in
the show or whatnot, and you're like, yeah, I was,
you know, there's It's not like I was seeking validation.
It was just like, oh, these people see what I've seen.

(58:26):
So sometimes when you see a mirror of who you
were then and now there's like sometimes you know, some
people are good at certain things or you know, and
it's not only born out of like what you can provide,
but just knowing that you're like your your your inner
child has something that they know about that your adult

(58:46):
also is in touch with, you know. And so I
feel like sometimes in my in my in my joy,
I look for where where in my life I felt
the most joy, and a lot of those those places
are with self. A lot of those where oh, when
I was a kid and I was running around the
trees were really really big, Like going back to those
parts of what I love about the world and about myself,

(59:09):
I think really gave me a sort of a permission
to be like, I really like this about me, you know,
And sometimes it is you know, there are things that
are tangible, like you know, your creativity, or you know
the way that you show up for people, or you're
good at sports. Like just being just being in your joy,

(59:32):
I feel like gives you the permission to really understand
yourself a little better, and so then gives you the
opportunity to be able to deal with the negative a
little better because you know the good parts that you have,
you know, or the parts that make you happy. So
when things make you sad or make you upset, you're like, Okay,

(59:53):
how do I like conquer that the way I conquer
my joy? The way I know how to get back there?
And I I think like, yeah, I had a job
fall through, and I really sat back and I thought,
why am I so obsessed with this?

Speaker 3 (01:00:08):
Who Ah?

Speaker 2 (01:00:09):
Who am I if I don't have this? And you know,
that's when I started to think all the way back,
and I was like, oh, the reason I love this
is because I love me doing this. It's not yes,
you know, it's just not this by itself. It's the
joy I get out of creating and doing that. That's me.

Speaker 1 (01:00:25):
You know, that's life changing, honestly. I mean like, and
I don't say that like with any hyperbole, like finding
your joy and like trying to remember where you've had joy,
and because if you think about it, and I'm this
inner child piece too, I always say like, I didn't
know there was anything wrong with me. People told me
there was something wrong with me. Correct, Right, So if

(01:00:47):
you really think about like your two four vibe, like
you're just doing you and then people.

Speaker 3 (01:00:51):
Say, don't walk like that, don't talk like that? Is
it up?

Speaker 1 (01:00:54):
Or like your nose is this? I think about my
nose all the time. I used to hate my nose,
and then when I asked the why question, it was like, oh,
somebody told me that my nose was too exactly, but
it doesn't mean that my nose is too big. You know,
like people are projecting their bullshit on you or their
fears on you. Right, you see a boy being feminine
and then there's fears get triggered about that masculinity, and

(01:01:16):
then you tell that boy don't do that, don't walk
like that, and then that boy grows up feeling oh,
I can't, I shouldn't do this, And I think we
have to. One of our mentors said, after I got that
emotionally abusive relationship, she said to me, if you were
your own parent, what advice would you give yourself? Because
I'm out of this emotionally abusive relationship and I had
become a strange from my mother, so there was a

(01:01:38):
real like I'm on my own, And she said, well,
now you have to parent yourself. If you were your
own parent, what advice would you give yourself? And I
think that that's how we have to start. I think
that that is a path forward to loving yourself. Is
how do you protect your inner child? How do you
let your inner child who was the one who told

(01:02:00):
they're do this, they're do that they shouldn't do how
do you go back and rewrite that and say, hey, no, baby,
Like the way you walk is beautiful, right, I laugh, perfect,
that creativity is gorgeous, Like how do you find that
joy again and be a parent to yourself who encourages
it as opposed to what you might have experienced at

(01:02:20):
home or at school, which was to bash it or
suppress it. We I mean is It's what's so insiduous
about all of this is that like the world or
somebody projects something on us, and then we continue to
do the work of it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
Right, But it's also what we choose to pick up,
you know, because the same way somebody told us that
we were too talkative or we walk like a girl,
there were also people in our lives that were like,
that was a great science project, Johnny, Oh, they should
be very proud of yourself. Why is it that we
give so much to the bullies but we don't give

(01:02:56):
enough to the people that have championed us. Yes, you know,
it's sometimes it's when we get an award, it's like
I just want to thank the people that were riding
with me. But but ultimately, like I will even I
will look on a post on Instagram and there will
be hundreds of sweet comments, and then there's that one
one that's like, you have your teeth are weird, and.

Speaker 3 (01:03:16):
I'm like, yeah, my god, I knew.

Speaker 2 (01:03:17):
I always knew my teeth were weird, but everyone else
is like beautiful, stunning, da da da, and it's it's
what I've chosen. And people will say, how come you
responded to this comment and not to ours that are
showing you love. Yeah, it's because that is what I'm
I'm used to picking that up because sometimes self harm is,
you know, it's just the easier thing. It's like, it's like, oh,

(01:03:39):
if you if you think you're bad, you're going to
see the bad part in that person. But if you
think you're good, you're gonna be like, yes, I love that.
I love that, you know, and I know that. I
thank you for affirming what, like you said earlier, thank
you for affirming what I already know.

Speaker 3 (01:03:56):
You know, Yeah, we really do.

Speaker 1 (01:03:57):
It's like you can get one hundred comments that say
you're fabulous and that one says bitch, you suck, and
you're like, and I feel like there's I forget what
the quote is, but there's somebody basically saying if you can't,
like essentially like you can't accept the good comments without
accept like, if you're putting weight on the good comments,
you also have to put weight on the bad comments.

Speaker 3 (01:04:16):
And so I think that's.

Speaker 1 (01:04:17):
Why it really actually is to start with you to
begin with, right that like you, you get to observe
what people are saying and when it supports, absorb it,
but if it doesn't, you also have to have that
cognizance like this is just another person who also might
be hurt.

Speaker 2 (01:04:32):
Who might be doing most.

Speaker 3 (01:04:34):
Likely it's hurt.

Speaker 1 (01:04:35):
Because also to fix your fingers to come on my
good sister's page and say some.

Speaker 3 (01:04:40):
Dumb shit you hurt, maybe you mad? You know what
I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (01:04:43):
So it's like, oh, if I can remember that, oh
maybe that person is mad or hurt, I don't need
to take that on. That's also I think freeing. It's
it's how you again protecting your inner child, because because honestly,
I think it's it's the thirteen year old who wants
to write back, right, It's like it's the younger verse
of yourself who got bullied for X, Y and Z,
who gets that commedy go.

Speaker 2 (01:05:04):
And you did and might have not had your voice
back then. But basically I've got the voice.

Speaker 3 (01:05:08):
Got the voice now, So I'm ready to go, but
you kind of have to go. Maybe I don't have to.

Speaker 1 (01:05:13):
Yeah, maybe it's more loving for myself to not actually
engage with that and to remind myself that that is false,
which is why it's so important to know what you
know about yourself and to do that work, to fill
your cup, to love yourself, to do take whatever steps
so that when you are ready for that partnership or
whatever it's it's affirming even a partner, friends, like whoever

(01:05:34):
you're bringing into your life, that it's affirming what you
know about yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:05:38):
Right, and to know also, like I always say this
about friends, because there were times where I'm like, I'm
just hanging out with too many people. I'm like and
I'm not and I get home sometimes and I feel drained,
and I'm like, Okay, I need to remember, yes, who
I'm with and how I feel after I'm with them. Yes,
you know if I feel like I could, I could
have really spent two more hours with those people, I

(01:06:01):
really could. I just love who I am when I
leave that environment. If you if that is how you feel,
it's kind of like what I was saying. Remember how
you felt when you were a kid and you the
happiest moments that you experience. You can still do that
in your day to day like how did this person?
Do I feel better from this exchange or do I
feel worse? And I think that's really I think that's

(01:06:21):
also just you know, growing into yourself of kind of
understanding what you will and will not put up with
or want to be around. Yeah, not to say everybody
you know isn't great in their own way, but it's
like I'm not feeling energized by instraction.

Speaker 1 (01:06:36):
Yeah, it doesn't mean the person is bad, you're not
judging it. But I've done that. I've really literally in
the last year, have cut out social engagements where I
don't where I know that I'm not going to be
poured into correct because I'm also somebody and you're this person.
Like when we show up, we excited energy, and so
to give all that energy and not feel like it's reciprocated.
It doesn't mean the people are bad or the place

(01:06:58):
is bad. Somebody said it, like, it's just like it's
my space but not my people. Sometimes right, like we're like, oh,
like I like I like this party or I like
this viber, I like I like dinner, but like that
not with that person, and that's okay.

Speaker 2 (01:07:10):
And that's also like and the same thing with dating,
Like people are like, oh, I just hope that he
thinks this or they you know, I hope that they
What about? What about? What if you don't like them?
What if you is? What if the way they eat
is not what you're into? Like? Why is it that
we're always placating?

Speaker 3 (01:07:27):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:07:27):
I hope this person thinks this? What about? What do
you think?

Speaker 3 (01:07:31):
Always the chase? Can you flip that?

Speaker 1 (01:07:33):
That's like as actors too, right, Like I hope they
cast me. It's like, well, let me ask a question
to you, like how do y'all work? How do y'all operate?
Is this where I want to be take back that ownership?

Speaker 3 (01:07:43):
And can I say that?

Speaker 1 (01:07:43):
That is actually love? Like love is I want you
to be happy. I want you to get the win,
even if it's not with me, because because I'm also
I'm also gonna win and I'm also wins.

Speaker 2 (01:07:54):
My win is my win, like you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (01:07:57):
But like if this, if it's you and I are
not the wind together, I still want to see you
happy and I'm not gonna waste your time.

Speaker 3 (01:08:03):
I'm not gonna hold you. Maybe I'm not gonna hold you.
Don't mind your thing? You know what I'm saying? I
love that?

Speaker 1 (01:08:10):
Thank you so much for being here, the loveliest conversation,
and please come back to La soon.

Speaker 3 (01:08:16):
I need to to hold you.

Speaker 1 (01:08:18):
We need a key, key and off mike, key key.
Thank you for being here, baby, love you baby. You
know we're hose here, but hose with heart. So before

(01:08:41):
I get out of here, I would like to speak
to yours. You know, Johnny said so many things that
had me. I'm sure you heard me, just like I
wanted to do a praise step. But you know some
of my big takeaways because you know, self love it's
talked about all the time, and it's to the point

(01:09:01):
where it can feel diluted and saturated, and you're like,
what does that actually mean?

Speaker 3 (01:09:05):
If I tell you to love yourself? What does that
actually mean to do that?

Speaker 1 (01:09:09):
And so I really appreciate just having some tangible moves.
What is your why? You know, the asking why a lot?
You know, why does it.

Speaker 3 (01:09:17):
Have to be that way?

Speaker 1 (01:09:18):
Why can't it be that way? There is a quote
by Walt Whitman that I am going to take a
beautiful second to look up so that I can read
it to you, and it goes re examine all you
have been told in school or church and in any
book and dismiss whatever insults your own soul. I think
it's so important that we question everything and it's not

(01:09:41):
you know, it's not. It shouldn't be in a in
a way of shame or or to fix right right.
It's about growth, it's about evolution, It's about healing and
so being able to ask the why why do I
think that I need to lose weight or gain weight?
Why do I think my nose is too big? Why
do I think I need to do X, Y and
Z in order to be lovable?

Speaker 3 (01:10:02):
Why? Why? Why? And again?

Speaker 1 (01:10:05):
Gently you know, and see what answers come up as
you start to shift. I also really love finding your joy,
remembering what made you happy as a kid. What were
the things that you loved before somebody told you it
was stupid, before somebody told you that you know, it
was that's gay, or that's this, or girls don't do that?

Speaker 3 (01:10:24):
Boy?

Speaker 1 (01:10:25):
Like, what did you love? What did you gravitate to?
Was it arts and crafts? Was it doing stand up
or doing stage work? Was it you know, climbing trees?
Was it hiking? Like? What are the things that used
to bring you joy? How can you come back to self?
How can you come back to that inner child. And
as I said, reparent, you know, we whether whatever your

(01:10:46):
relationship to your parent is beautiful, but like now in
your adulthood, you're inner child still needs that parent and
it's you they right, like, give up whatever fantasies you
have if you don't have a great really with your parents,
give up whatever fantasies you have about them, fixing that
they don't need to like, let them be who they are.
You are now responsible for you. So if you are

(01:11:10):
the one that is self criticizing and tearing yourself down
and telling yourself that you're not lovable, you're not worthy,
that's your responsibility to change that, to nurture yourself back
to health. And finally, I really, really, you know, I've
been working. I'm a perfectionist. I'm a recovering perfectionist, is

(01:11:30):
what I say. And so sometimes I slide back like
I am. I consider perfectionism my addiction. That is something
that I am with no with no jokes, with no smoke,
like that is my addiction. I'm very much addicted to it.
And I have been working on how do I allow
myself to be messy, which is why this podcast and
Messy Mondays has been, so I always say it to you.

(01:11:53):
It means so much to me because as much as
I also love talking to you, it reminds me and
encourag is me to remember that it is okay to
be messy. And so Johnny framing it like, enjoy the
mess enjoy it, don't You don't have to. You don't
have to just like sit in there and be like, ah,
this is the content of what I'm sitting in it.
But can you enjoy it? Can you find some joy

(01:12:16):
inside of being messy? Can you, you know, remind yourself,
this is your first time on the planet. You know,
you might have some other beliefs, this might be your
second or third time, but in this consciousness, it is
your first time here. You are not going to get
it right. There is no such thing as right. You

(01:12:36):
won't fuck some shit up. You're not gonna be perfect.
Can you be okay with that? And can you let
the journey be the goal? Can you let the journey
and the messiness be what keeps you alive your humanity?
It's actually beautiful how imperfect it is. Yeah, that's that's
I'm interested in what resonated with you, So feel free

(01:12:58):
to email me it tell Me Something Messy at gmail
dot com, or there's that phone line which you know.
I'm a three six nine, six sixty nine messy girl.
I was about to give you my real phone number. No,
don't call my real phone, bitch, call the phone line. Okay,
I got enough emails and phone calls coming in already.
Okay these texts, honey, But six nine, six sixty nine messy.

Speaker 3 (01:13:22):
I pay my taxes. Don't don't, don't don't come for
me please?

Speaker 2 (01:13:26):
All right?

Speaker 3 (01:13:27):
I love you so much.

Speaker 1 (01:13:29):
And before we get out of here, just another reminder
that you can rate, review, and subscribe to our podcast.
It really helps us get it all the way out there,
share it with somebody you love, and hit those show
notes and vote for our Queerity Award.

Speaker 3 (01:13:45):
Baby. Okay, yes, now what else we gotta tell you about.

Speaker 1 (01:13:51):
You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon
Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me
Something Messy.

Speaker 3 (01:13:58):
And you can join our community on.

Speaker 1 (01:13:59):
The Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts,
recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also,
I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas,
your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell
Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also
call us at six six nine sixty nine Messy That

(01:14:22):
is sixty six nine six ninety six three seven seven nine,
Rate review and share this podcast with all your HOE
and aspiring HOE friends.

Speaker 3 (01:14:32):
Really really helps the show out, all right.

Speaker 1 (01:14:35):
Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty,
buffore they beat the kitty before fuckation or suctation communication.
And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
are so deeply loved. I love you, hie. Thank you
so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy. If

(01:14:56):
you all enjoyed the show, send me episode to someone
else who might like. Tell Me Something Messy was executive
produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and Yours Truly. Our
producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts from
iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or
anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.